It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today, while I’m touring Arizona with my Girl Talk, speaking to several MOPS groups and in several churches, I thought I’d run this awesome post by Elizabeth Laing Thompson about what her two-year-old taught her about marriage–and priorities.
My kids blew past me toward the door, an early-morning tornado of jackets, back packs, and lunch boxes.
“Come on,” called Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome, jiggling his keys. “We’re going to be late!”
“Wait! I want kisses!” I said. “That means you! And you! And you!” My three older kids clattered back into the kitchen, planted kisses on my cheeks, and then rushed to follow my husband out to the van.
When the door slammed shut behind them, my two-year-old looked at me in horror. “Mama kiss Dada!” she said.
I blinked at her for a moment, not understanding. I heard the sound of the van pulling out of the driveway.
“Mama kiss Dada!” she insisted, her voice becoming frantic. She tried to pull me toward the door.
Then I realized: She was right. I hadn’t kissed my husband.
I chuckled, trying to justify myself. “You’re right, but Daddy is coming right back, so that’s why I didn’t kiss him.” Even to my own ears, the words fell limp, a lame excuse.
Little Miss stared me down, authoritative even in her bare feet and plaid nightie. I was not off the hook. “Mama kiss Dada.”
I felt a blush creeping across my cheeks. “You’re right,” I said. “I should have kissed Daddy. I’m sorry.”
Little Miss seemed to accept this. We went back to our oatmeal.
Ten minutes later, the door banged open again. My husband was home.
Before he’d even rounded the corner, Little Miss rounded on me. “Mama kiss Dada! Mama kiss Dada!”
Laughing, I stood up. “Okay, okay, you’re right! I’ll kiss him!” I walked over to my husband and planted one, two, three firm kisses on his lips. He kissed me back with a baffled half-smile.
I turned back to my daughter, who stood watching us. Weighing me. “There. Are you happy now? Mama loves Dada, see?” When she still seemed unconvinced, I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled into his chest.
She smiled her approval and toddled off to find her toys.
That day, she reminded me of several truths I had forgotten, lessons I’ll carry with me always.
The secret most kids won’t tell you
Our children have a secret, and it’s this: Kids love it when their parents are in love. Older kids and teens may pretend to be embarrassed by our kisses, but secretly, they love it. It makes them feel safe. Happy. Like they are a part of something special.
When my brother was young, he invited a neighborhood friend over. My parents walked in the room and gave each other a little kiss, and the neighbor boy said, “Ew! Your parents kissed! My parents never kiss!” My brother grinned and bragged, “Well, my parents kiss all the time!” My parents’ affection was a source of confidence and security for him—and for all the kids in our family. I want to give my own children that same gift, that same confidence, through my marriage.
Keeping the home fires burning
But let’s be honest: It’s all too easy, once kids come along, to neglect our spouse. To forget about even the simple things that keep us connected and close. We don’t do it on purpose, of course, but once a baby enters our world, our first and best cuddles and snuggles and kisses start going to the baby. When we walk into a room, our eyes slide right past our husband, hungry for another drooly “Mommy-Is-My-Whole-World” smile from our chubby-cheeked cherub.
And at first, our husband doesn’t mind. For a season, he’ll gladly serve as our Baby Gear Sherpa, the carrier of car seats and diaper bags and Pack-n-Plays. For a time, he’s happy to take a back seat while we figure out the whole new-baby thing . . . but before long—sooner than we think—he needs the front seat again. He needs and deserves our deliberate attention, our devoted affection—not just the leftovers. Not just the afterthoughts. Song of Songs 8:6 describes a passionate romance so beautifully: “Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame.” Every fire needs fuel to keep burning. If it runs out of fuel, even the strongest of blazes will die down to ember and ash. We have to keep stoking the fire of our marriage—nurturing it, coaxing it back to life when it ebbs, feeding it fresh fuel.
I get it: This is easy to write about, and not so easy to do. (Believe me, I know! As a survivor of four new-baby-adjustment periods, I totally get it!) So please don’t read this and feel guilty . . . just stay open to trying some new strategies.
Four simple ways to stoke the marital flame, even with little ones in the house
Here are four simple tricks to help you connect with your spouse, even on busy days with babies and young children underfoot:
Remember simple acts of daily physical affection.
Don’t underestimate the power of hugs and kisses keep you connected and close.
Use timers to set aside “Mommy-and-Daddy” time.
Tell the kids you need a few minutes to talk uninterrupted, and set a timer. The kids can’t come back into the room with you until the timer goes off.
Build sacred Mommy-Daddy time into your schedule at a set time each day, so your children get used to it.
They know, “This fifteen minutes always belongs to Mommy and Daddy, not to me.” You could try early-morning coffee together, before work and school. If mornings are too hectic, try setting aside a time slot right after work, or after dinner. (When your kids get older, let them clean the dinner dishes while Mom and Dad catch up on the day!)
Buy yourself an extra half-hour in the evenings.
How? Put kids to bed early with a book and a flashlight. They’ll think it’s a treat to read in bed—it’s kind of like they’re getting away with something—and you can start some early couch-cuddling before you turn into a pumpkin.
Strategies like this are especially helpful for the time of life when you have small kids in the house. But this isn’t just a new-baby issue. The older my children get, the more I realize that this is an ongoing struggle. Older kids mean a busy life and crazy schedule packed with homework, sports, friends, and activities. We all have to re-learn how to put our marriage first in the preschool years, the elementary years, the preteen years, the teenage years, the empty-nester years. At every stage, it takes a conscious effort to give our marriage the attention it deserves—to give our husbands the attention they deserve.
Last week, my wise two-year-old saw what I didn’t see. My husband comes first, not last. No matter how late we are or how busy life is, everybody deserves a good-morning kiss . . . and every kiss counts.
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Elizabeth Laing Thompson writes wholesome novels for teens, and books for women about building family God’s way. She is the author of several books, including a Bible-based parenting book for young mothers, The Tender Years: Parenting Preschoolers. Elizabeth blogs about the perils and joys of laundry slaying, tantrum taming, and giggle collecting on her author site, http://lizzylife.com. Wife to Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, and mother to four crazy kids, Elizabeth is always tired, but it’s mostly the good kind.
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What a great, encouraging and biblically accurate message. Thank you this blessed me today.
This is so true!! My husband and I make a real effort to at least kiss, if not kiss and hug, before we depart and when we return. Even if he’s running down the street to get an item I forgot at the store. It makes a difference. When we decided to start making it a priority we just wanted to find a small way to reconnect in our hectic schedules. We were both in college and working full time so we basically only had sleep time together. Those little kisses, sweet texts throughout the day, little notes here and there are what got us through that stressful time. In fact, when my husband deployed for a year it was all those tiny things that we do with/for each other that I missed most.
That’s so sweet, Ashlie! All those little things throughout the day really do add up! I’ve found that ever since my two-year-old pointed this out to me, my husband and I have been more thoughtful with each other, even in the rushed moments, and I’m amazed by how much closer it has brought us! And YES to the sweet text messages…those are the best!
Loved this! It is really easy to put our husbands on the back burner and expect them to just know we love them too. Thanks for the great reminder!
I love the way you put that–“putting them on the back burner.” And THAT’S when the marital pot stops simmering… 😉
My parents did not display a lot of affection toward us as children or toward each other as we were growing up. I do remember the few times I saw my father embrace my mother, it was very comforting. At 51 years old, those images are still very vivid in my mind. 🙂
So sweet and meaningful that you still remember those moments so clearly—it tells us so much about what kids see and what they WANT to see between their parents.
Lovely! Just lovely, Elizabeth! I think our kids feel so much more secure when they know that their mom and dad love each other. I think your points for achieving this important foundation and expression are spot on! I’ll be sharing in the Twittersphere! And thanks to Sheila, for highlighting Elizabeth! Praying your Girl Talk impacts many lives and strengthens many marriages!
Thanks so much, Beth! So glad you enjoyed the post.
“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~ C. S. Lewis
Here is hoping your week has been wonderful! Thanks for hosting another great party.
Have a great day,
Denise W. & Aubrie B.
So true! Kids love to see that mom and dad are in love. Our older kids roll their eyes and give us grief for showing affection, but they also notice when we don’t. And kids whose parents don’t show affection are often willing to point that out when they do see it. Great article!
Thanks, Andrea! I totally used to roll my eyes at my parents…but secretly, I loved that they were in love. I wanted what they had!
What an awesome post. My husband and I get lots of time to communicate because we need it for our sanity and to deal with the never-ending pressures of our life and the to-do list. But sometimes the kids feel left out, so I love the idea of setting a timer. Kids seem to be able to handle anything when they know that when the buzzer rings, it’ll be their turn. (We use this sometimes for reading or practicing instruments).
Ha, so true, Jennie! Kids really can survive anything—even a Mom-and-Dad-need-time-alone-period—if they know a buzzer will soon ring to rescue them.
My kids think it is funny to watch my husband and me kiss each other. I do like the timer idea, sometimes the dang kids just won’t leave us alone long enough to even say hi!
I know the feeling! All four of my kids are convinced that their question for me is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, and that if they can just shout the loudest, I’ll pay attention to them before the other kids AND Daddy! 😀 That’s one of many moments when the timer comes in handy…
This is a blessing to me. I’m not married, but never once growing up did I see my father kiss or hug my mother. In fact, he avoided contact, and still does. I love when I see other married couples kiss, it helps me see what marriage is supposed to be.
Yes, it does help to see couples who are at ease and affectionate with each other, and to realize that it’s a sign of a happy, healthy relationship!