What happens when couples start sleeping in separate rooms? Is it that big a deal?
It’s Monday, the day that I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it.
One reader recently wrote:
Personally at the moment I am not sleeping with my husband as I feel estranged from him due to porn abuse, his alarm waking me up in the morning because he ‘snoozes’ it for an hour and he snores which drives me crazy so I don’t sleep, get tired and irritable and this exacerbates an already fragile situation, so I’ve removed myself to the spare room and far from missing sleeping next to my husband I now don’t want to go back to sharing a bed (if things improve between us) as I love having my own space and a good night’s sleep. Is this wrong?
I used to love sleeping together as I found it a special thing that you only do when you’re married and share that really special space and time together so I feel very conflicted now.
I was shocked a while ago to learn that my in-laws have separate rooms and I was really sad for them but maybe this is normal?
And finally, I was talking to a married friend with 2 young children, her husband sleeps in their spare room as her children often end up sharing the bed with her so she can feed them so they don’t cry and wake her husband up in the night. I also felt really sad about this but I don’t really know why.
Can you offer some wisdom on whether sharing a bed is important or not?!
Okay, let’s try to flesh this out a little bit.
Why is the couple sleeping in separate rooms?
Sometimes you really don’t have a choice. If one spouse snores a ton and keeps the other awake (or causes them not to sleep well), then for health reasons they may need to sleep in separate beds. (Here’s a website with some info on snoring solutions, to see if that may solve the problem). When my husband was on call and would repeatedly be paged at night and have to make phone calls, we sometimes would sleep in separate rooms on those nights so that he didn’t disturb me.
I’ve written before on couples sleeping in separate beds when the issue is something like that–along with some thoughts on how to maintain intimacy even if you have to part at night. I think it’s an important one to read!
When you have to sleep in a separate room from your husband
But when it’s not an issue about quality of sleep that can’t be helped, and there’s something else at play, then we really need to look at the underlying reason.
Sleeping in Separate Rooms to run away from intimacy is dangerous
It’s really quite simple: If you’re sleeping in separate rooms because you feel distant, you will only increase the distance.
This woman is having some marriage problems–her husband has been using porn–and so she feels distant. Add to that the difficulties with alarms and snoring, and she likes being in a separate room better.
Now, the snoring and alarms may legitimately drive you away, but be very careful that if you do sleep in a separate room you do it well–turning in together, snuggling together, reading a bit together before you separate into separate rooms (as I said in my post on separate bedrooms).
But let’s say that the issue isn’t snoring or alarms. It’s really only the porn use. Then is it okay to separate?
I’d say yes if he is unrepentant and unwilling to get help or accountability (but I’d also say that you should take further steps to mend the situation, by talking to a counselor, having an intervention, or drawing very clear boundaries. Just running away won’t help it). You can see more about that in this post on not being an enabler of sin in your marriage.
What if he’s trying to stop the porn, he does have accountability–and you’re still hurt. Then what?
I can understand wanting to sleep in a separate room the night you found out. But be careful of continuing that separation.
This month we’re talking about good marriage habits as part of our Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge, and I’ve asked you all to read The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. And one of the habits that Shaunti found in her research was this:
When [happy couples] are in a season of being at odds with each other–when they are experiencing friction or hurt feelings–they solve it by spending more time together instead of less… When we have hurt feelings, anger, or discord, the last thing we may want is to be with our spouses. But ultimately, it appears that that is what we need most.
Think about that for a moment. When you’re hurt, your instinct is to retreat–to head to that separate bedroom where you can be alone with your thoughts and pour out your brokenheartedness to God and nurse your hurts. But that’s exactly what your marriage doesn’t need. What helps is if you still act like a team–act like two people who believe, “we will get through this–together.”
Be careful of letting children kick one of you to a different bedroom
I see this pattern so often in marriage. Both of you are sleep deprived, and you think, “at least he should be able to get some sleep. If he goes to a different room, at least he’ll sleep.”
You think you’re being nice.
And for the first few weeks of a baby’s life that may have its merits.
But to continue it long term is really dangerous. We’ve already talked last week about how hormones when you’re nursing often cause many of us to lose our libidos. Add sleep deprivation, and many of us enter survival mode, just trying to get through. And so we push our husbands away, devote ourselves entirely to the babies, because we figure, “he’ll still be here later. It’s the baby who really needs me.”
What the baby needs is for his or her parents to be rock solid.
Do not neglect your marriage. We think that it’s natural to stay together, so we shouldn’t have to work at it. But that’s wrong! It’s natural to drift apart; staying together takes work. If you don’t put in the work, you and your husband will drift.
You need time alone to be intimate–and that usually means the same bedroom
And I don’t mean just sex when I say intimate. I mean talking quietly while lying in bed. I mean cuddling while you fall asleep. I mean putting your hand on his arm and praying for him before you drift off. I mean having him kiss you goodbye if he leaves in the morning while you’re still asleep (or if you leave).
If you start sleeping in separate beds because of convenience, it’s easy to stay there. And we don’t always realize what we’re missing until months or years have gone by and we’re just not as close anymore.
So as I said, sometimes a separate bedroom is necessary because of physical difficulties sleeping together. But if you do go that route, do it deliberately well. Still cuddle together at night. Still spend time together before you separate. Don’t just drift. That’s dangerous; and our reader instinctively senses this. Stay together. Truly.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
My husband and I sleep in the same room, but he is a snorer. I have earplugs and sometimes use a white noise app on my phone but I still can’t sleep sometimes. He has talked to his doctor but is unwilling to to try anything more than he has already. I start in bed but end up on the couch many nights. When my child leaves for college, I plan on making her room my alternate bedroom. I’ll still start in our bed but I will be quicker to move when he keeps me up. It isn’t ideal, but the interrupted sleep is making me crazy.
Yeah, I do the same thing–now that my oldest has left, I sometimes use her room if I just can’t sleep. If the room is all set up and you don’t have to get sheets out in the middle of the night, it’s not that big a deal, and you don’t get as aggravated. And then you can still start the evening together! Half the time I kick Keith out, too, so we take turns. But he doesn’t snore every night; it’s really only an occasional thing.
I have been sleeping in seperate rooms on and off for about twenty years. You see my wife snores and I cannot always stop it. In the end sleep became important to me. We still have a great sex life although I have to instigate verbally which I have learned to do now. We do sleep together on holiday or where we are visiting family but I have to wear ear plugs and she is making an effort not to wake me.
As for porn I don’t blame the wife for not sleeping with her hysband. That is mental adultery in my book.
I get it! I’ve worn ear plugs my whole marriage, and it helps usually, but not always! Snoring is a big problem, and ultimately everybody does better if they get some sleep. But I think starting in the same room can help a lot! But I know sometimes people sleep separately and there really is nothing wrong with the marriage.
Hello, my husband and I have been sleeping in different rooms for about a week. It’s killer to me because he knows it hurts me. Also, he is going through so much negative thought since his dad died. I didn’t make the service because my daughter had an concert that day, besides she is a senior this year, and they don’t see eye to eye all the time. It’s mainly because she hears our argument sometimes. I feel like he should reach out to her, but he is rapped on loosing both his parents. He is also very protective. We argue a lot about that also. I could use ur prayer and advice. HELP. DO I LEAVE OR STAY. I don’t want to give up on our marriage, but I feel lost and low.
Hi Jewel, I’m sorry you’re feeling so lonely, but honestly, in reading your comment I have some concerns. You didn’t go to your husband’s father’s funeral? Our parents’ deaths are some of the most significant events in our lives. To choose your daughter’s concert over your husband’s father’s funeral is extremely harsh. I can understand why your husband is feeling so distant from you.
It sounds as if you are putting your daughter ahead of your husband, and when you do that, yes, your marriage will feel distant and fail.
I think the proper thing to do here is to go to your husband and apologize for not going to the funeral, and start trying to show him love, rather than becoming upset at him for being justifiably hurt by you, in my opinion.
I agree.Forget about your own feelings, love is selfless. Your husband need you now.
That is so bad. My wife is like you.
I suffered a close death and was in a bad place. She took this opportunity to take it personal and didn’t talk to me for 2 weeks.
I cannot believe you did not go to the funeral of your father in law.
This is so very sad for so many reasons. I grieve for all of you. To have your wife and your daughter prioritize a concert over the loss of your father.
I will pray for you and your family. I pray that you will see the truth of the situation. I pray that you realize the life lesson you have taught your daughter. The magnitude of selfishness. I pray comfort for your husbands grieving spirit, that God will protect him from Satin planting a seed of anger and bitterness. I pray for protection for your marriage, that God would protect it from Satin sending someone into your husbands life that is willing to be there for him when you choose not to.
I pray that your husband would understand Jesus’s example of forgiving them for they know not what they do.
I pray that the healing from all these things would be witnessed by your daughter so that the lesson of selfishness would be replaced by one of love, grace, mercy and forgiveness.
God’s blessings on you and your family.
My wife and I started sleeping in seperate rooms cuz of my snoring and her medical issues. I can’t help the feeling of ( it just don’t feel the same feels weird to me). So far I am not a big fan of it but I am trying to go with it for her well being. Hopefully it don’t ruin everything. Seems to easy to let things go south.
My husband and I have the snore/can’t sleep issue. I’ve been sleeping in another room, just so I have the energy to deal with life. But I have to admit, I need to be more intentional about staying connected. Thanks for the encouragement to do so!
We sleep in separate rooms for several reasons: we both snore and even with ear plugs and sound machines we still wake each other; 5 (sometimes 6 or 7) days a week, we work opposite shifts, so one of us is getting up or coming to bed while the other is sleeping; my husband struggles with occasional insomnia; our toddler is usually in the bed with me (mom). While this doesn’t do much for our sex life, at least we get a few hours of sleep. (And we do *plan* some intimacy, but we’re both usually too tired to get together and both just agree to go to sleep, LOL)
My husband and I have a similar problem as anonymous with our opposite schedules, one person “should be” going to bed when the other comes in. If I don’t stay up extra late We could go 5 days without seeing each other, and we havent even been married a year. Ive been suffering through but we discovered a new issue unless I take a sleeping pill, my husbands kicking and talking in sleep will keep me up for hours. Until he goes to the doctor (and until I can get a different job) we decided today to try the separate room sleep situation. It makes me really sad because I feel in our first year we should be laying a foundation of intimacy, but we barely see each other outside of weekends. Im glad to see we arent literally the only ones dealing with this, and praying for everyones situations along with ours to change for the better – we’re better able to serve and love others being rested and feeling loved!
My husband and I also usually work separate shifts which in my opinion makes for perfect sleep. (Kids are grown and gone). I work nights and sleep wonderfully with the bed to myself during the day and vice versa for him. Even on my data off I stay up late and go to bed not long before he gets up. But occasionally we have same shift periods and that’s when we have problems. I do take sleeping pills and they keep me asleep if all is quiet but if we’re sleeping at the same time his snoring wakes me up and I can’t go back to sleep. So, I too have set up a separate room. I start out in our bed but move to the other when or if I need to. Works for us.
My husband has been sleeping on the couch since our 8 year old was born. We cose co-sleeping in order for me to get sleep and my 4 year old still gets in my bed often (trying to get her back in her bed all night. I miss the intimacy of talking and cuddling. And things just naturally happening vs planning it. However, we can’t seem to get back on track sharing a bed consistently.
You need to kick your four your old out of your bed and make your marriage a priority. Unless they have special needs (and depending on the situation, I would still argue kick them out) 4 years old is BEYOND old enough to sleep in their own bed. They need to see mommy and daddy modeling a godly marriage for them, and that means putting your husband as a priority. You do a disservice to your husband, your children, and yourself to let your house be divided on such an intimate level for so long. Make the kids sleep in their own bed. Lock your bedroom door if you need to (baby monitors are amazing things, aren’t they?) and invite your husband to bed, every night, for two weeks.
In not trying to Judge, you are. Not everyone thinks it’s the godly thing to do to turn away your little ones from bedtime and quit parenting just because the sun goes down, in order to lay next to your grown husband. Where in the Bible does it say “don’t sleep with your children”? Or “sleep in bed next to your husband”?! It doesn’t! That is society, not God. We are one of the few cultures who actually “kick our kids” out of bed… they are only little once and 4 years old is very young actually… night time is scary for kids! I love sleeping with my kids and could never imagine locking my bedroom door, listening to their cries and feelings of nighttime abandonment simply because mommy had the idea that locking herself in the bedroom with daddy was somehow the “Christian thing to do.” Seriously? No thanks. And all the co-sleepers I know have great sex lives, so that isn’t an issue either. I don’t think Jesus would ever lock little ones out of the bedroom.
That’s right momma!!! 100% agree with you!!!!! How is it godly to ignore and abandon your child at night??? how ridiculous!
I have the same problem here. But my bigger problem is that my husband is not bothered by the fact that we sleep apart. Only me is bothered. He doesn’t even try to change that by even trying or helping me to make a bedtime routine for our children. I’m really depressed. I feel lonely and neglected.
His disinterest is a signal. I couldn’t believe it either, but my first husband walked out on me after years of his not caring about that. Get counseling NOW. Don’t be afraid like I was because you are a Christian. You can’t ignore….love.
My husband and I have been very intentional about always sleeping in the same bed and going to bed at the same time, and it has been great for our marriage. We cuddle every night before we go to bed, and sometimes that leads to other things. Sometimes it sets the mood for the morning. Sometimes it’s just about relaxing and spending time together. But the physical touch and time together doing intimate things (not merely sexual things, but being intimate by sharing things together we don’t share with anyone else) is good for our marriage and keeps us close. We’re best friends and love spending time together.
We also keep the kids in their own beds. Our 3 year old has been sleeping in her own bed all night since she turned 2, and we just enforce it and she’s used to it. There are certainly times to get the kids and play and cuddle in bed all together. But as a general rule, our bed is just for us and the kids have to stay in their beds at night. We’re not going to let them decide where they sleep or whether they can just roam around or invade our space. And the boundaries have been good for the kids (they know we love them, but they also know they have limits and that our lives do not revolve around what they want) and good for our marriage.
I used to “bail out” often in the middle of the night due to my husband’s snoring. It was really getting worse, so he mentioned it to his doctor during his physical, and recently had a sleep study test done. He has severe sleep apnea, and now uses a cpap machine. It has changed my life!!! 🙂
Totally off subject, I know, but with so many of us dealing with snoring, I thought I’d mention it.
My husband just had a study done as well and we are waiting for the results. He is very against a machine, but I am begging him to at least try it. His snoring keeps me up for hours every night. If I leave to go to the guest room, he gets upset. I have gone so far as to record his snoring on my iPhone and put it up to his ear while he is sleeping because he thought I was being ridiculous. Now at least he understands why I don’t want to spoon while trying to fall asleep. 🙂
You should strongly urge him to get the machine. Sleep apnea can be very dangerous. The little machine is better than early death due to a massive stroke, heart failure or liver failure. If he absolutely won’t get the machine he should at least pursue other treatment options.
Talking about situations like this together before taking action is key in my marriage. Once in the earlier years of marriage I quietly slipped out to sleep on the couch so that my horrid snoring wouldn’t depry my husband of any more sleep. Babies had already worn us down. I didn’t see any need for both of us to be exhausted so thought to be a blessing to my beloved by removing my snoring self. The next morning my husband wanted to know why he wasn’t good enough for me to sleep with. Oh my, what I had intended to be a blessing had been seen as rejection. Thankfully, while talking about it my husband was able to let me know that he would rather lose sleep and have me with him than get a full night’s sleep without me. Had we not talked about it I would have continued to hurt my husband even as I tried to bless him.
I dont want to sleep with hubby any more.as his prior affairs and weird carrying ons. Dont help.he wakes at 530 and it wakes me.but also the. Last 12 months he has not been showering.for 2 to 3 days. He showers when going to work but home with me at weekends he goes from fri night last shower to next shower mon morning.im.told.its.classic behaviour for . mid life crisis and affair. Take ur pick. Im past careing.
Hi Lilly, I can relate. I lost count of how long my husband goes without a shower, hair cut or brushing teeth. He occasionally washes up in the sink. I am at my wits end dealong with it. I have 2 children to make sure their hygiene is taken Care of. I shouldn’t have to worry about a grown man
In February hubby had to go away to work so only get to sleep together on weekends. He is staying 4 hrs away from home so we commute on weekends … sometimes he comes back other times the kids and I go down there. It sucks!
My husband not only snores frequently, he has developed the habit of vocalizing with EACH exhale. He sounds like he’s moaning/groaning in pain. I tried to sleep with him until he woke me, then I’d have to go to the couch, get pillow, blankets, etc. It would cost me over an hour of sleep. Then he’d get paged or get up, clomp into the kitchen or slam the bathroom door and wake me up. He can sleep through ANYTHING and has NO concept how much noise he makes. Each time he got up, he’d cost me another hour. We reached a point where I was at a dangerous level of sleep deprivation, and because of his job (doctor) I am the solo parent for everything. I had a lot of resentment, made worse because my exhaustion level was so great and he was the cause of most of it (however inadvertently). We talked and finally reached agreement on a plan: we get time together after the kids are in bed, but I now sleep on the futon in my office (on another floor) with a fan on high so I can’t hear him (very much). I know he would prefer that I sleep with him all night, but that is not possible right now. Communication and deliberately making time together are key.
Just a note on excessive snoring! This is sometimes caused by sleep apnea. My husband told me I snored loudly for years. I got tested and my loud snoring was caused by that (you could hear me from rooms away.). Now that I sleep with a CPAP I don’t snore at all! I wish couples would test for this before deciding separate rooms are the only solution.
So glad the cpap has helped your marriage. It didn’t help mine it caused my husband ( the one with the cpap) to push me into another room because he says that I might wake him when I move and that I’m selfish if I ask for night time cuddles because it interfears with his cpap use. All the best to you and I hope you continue to have a happy marriage.
This is a struggle in our home. i just live sleep deprived. My husband snores something terrible. I use ear plugs, sound machines. We do no have an extra room and I couldn’t sleep on the couch due to back issues. He is resistant to the sleep study. Which I understand. I don’t think there is an easy solution. I agree with going to bed at the sane time, etc. That has helped our marriage greatly.
We sleep in separate rooms because our marriage is sexless. It’s easier on me so I don’t have feel that horrible rejection night after night. I don’t have to worry about if we will or won’t or any accidental touches that I know aren’t going anywhere. Please don’t reply with hateful or judgemental comments. It won’t fix my problem and believe me I already have enough pain to last me forever. My point is it may be a less painful option for some of us.
Sad Wife I hear ya! No judgment here just blessings on you and your husband. Meanwhile you can still show him love by being kind and caring towards yourself with Peace and it’ll flow off towards him. I’ll pray for you both hang in there don’t lose hope.
I am in the same boat after 30 years or marriage. No sex for the last 7. I got to bed about 10 PM and he sometimes stays up until 12 or 1. I often later find out that he has been “enjoying himself” in the basement while I tried to sleep. He is in counseling for his sex addiction and says he really doesn’t want to have sex with anyone, although he likes to look a pictures of men and has admitted to same-sex attraction. I often can’t sleep until he comes to bed because he wakes me and if I start to sleep, then get woken up, I can’t get back to sleep for several hours (its as if I’ve taken a nap.) Then he starts with the snoring. He also gets up about two hours before me (generally about an hour after I’ve finally fallen back to sleep!) and his gentle roaming around the room wakes me yet again. I think separate rooms will help with the constant wakings and the anticipation of being woken up which often keeps me from falling asleep. There’s never any cuddling or sex anyway. Why sleep together? Although I worry that separate rooms will increase the distance I already feel from not being desired sexually. Porn is ruining women’s sex lives! I believe it is the “abomination that leads to desolation” because fewer children will be created.
Our marriage is sexless. He just isn’t interested. He often comes to bed at night really late ……I’m talking 3.00am and I wonder if he’s been trying to avoid me, hoping I’ll be asleep when he comes up. He just turns his back to me in bed. My side of the bed is a lonely place. I lie there, the feeling of rejection reinforced night after night. I moved out of our joint bedroom nearly a month ago. I wanted him to protest, to beg me to come back….just to tell me that he loved me. But he didn’t.
We’ve slept separately for years. Ge wants intimacy and so do I but he does not practice good hygiene at all. He’ll go days without showering and brushing his teeth. I don’t know what to do because I have talked about it with him countless times and there is only a temporary change before he returns back to his old ways. His poor hygiene has caused distance to form in our relationship.
It seems pastoral people always think it is the women in these situations that are the ones that do not want sex after menopause…there are lots of issues here and they are not all women’s. I don’t agree with women pastors, but I do believe if we had more women/deacons/assistants/church counselors that were compassionate in these areas, we would have more healthy churches and marriages. Men still seem to stick together, and I believe mostly because they truly do not understand.
I have exactly the reverse situation as a man. My wife is comfortable it seems not being intimate. Every spare moment she has after returning from works, she spends on her tablet or watching/hogging the TV.
Snoring (by both of us )doesn’t make it better either.
So I am the home executive doing the cooking and the traditional household chores. 30 years in a marriage that is going nowhere slowly.
Men, I believe are generally more exploited sexually, than women. Of course there are exceptions, but that a completely different argument.
There doesn’t seem any point in being married. Yet, I don’t think it bothers her.
Should we rather call it a day?
I’m just like you. She snores, sleeps in her room, and I’m lone every night. She seems happy. I’m not. We talk about it but nothing changes. Sex? Nope. Every couple of months a quickee ensues. Then it’s hostage time. I think it’s time to get out. 5 years like this and 20 years married. She had a hysterectomy at 26 and sex hasn’t ever been the same. 26 and over 40 are different so who knows. All I know is she snores doesn’t want intimacy and she’s got no sex drive. I feel hurt and ready for a big change. Children are starting university. Signed, hurt but still trying.
That’s so sad! I know how frustrated you must be. Have you told her how serious this is for you, though? Sometimes we try to just bear things, and then one day we snap and we end it all. But if she honestly knew you were going to end it, perhaps she may look into how to make the marriage better? Just wondering.
I have the same issue and we have slept apart for 3 years. Just bought a new house a year ago we have been together 23 years. He dose not even try to wake me when we fall asleep on the couch.
I am a man and know exactly how you feel. My wife does the same thing to me. I am pretty much begging for some and I always get constant rejection.
That is the only reason that I go to the spare room to sleep every night. To avoid the feeling of constant rejection.
I slept in a separate bedroom for several years. It began when we had to have no intercourse for 6 weeks following my hysterectomy. I LOVED having my own space. I had done a poor job of setting boundaries with others (family members) and had been doing too much for too many for too long. Having my own room was awesome!
After realizing that my husband was in deep emotional pain due to our sexless marriage, I returned to our bedroom. It took several months, perhaps more than a year, to learn to sleep with him comfortably. I suffered through many sleep deprived days. It helped to place high priority on keeping our bedroom tidy and clutter-free, as clutter depletes my energy and disturbs my spirit.
Now I don’t sleep well if he is away overnight, which is thankfully, rare. What I miss most are the gentle caresses throughout the night that may or may not lead to sex. And as others have mentioned, the most intimate conversations happen in the bedroom. Sometimes we listen to music and work crossword puzzles together.
In the course of all this change and growth, I learned that I need solitude in my life, but not in the form of physical separation from my husband. I also need sleep in order to function well, be kind to my loved ones, desire sex, etc. I would say we sleep better because the tension that accompanies a sexless marriage is gone, and our sex life is better because we are sleeping together.
I thought I was having a rear problem with my wife and my snore issue. I snore like twice per month, and this has a reason, when I’m very tired, but we are on the same bed. When this happens I’m very sad because my wife tells me to sleep far away from her. I think that’s the reason I just do it like twice per month, because I don’t want to sleep away from her.
Like IntimacySeeker I find it very hard to sleep when my husband isn’t there. I think that’s a good thing – I miss him all the more when he’s gone (only once or twice a year).
My husband will sometimes snore … and I will too when I have a cold. But we always start off in the same bed and only move to another room if it gets to be a problem later. We never have our child sleep with us – she’s only allowed to come cuddle with us on weekend mornings. The only times I can remember us starting off in separate beds is when someone is horribly sick or on hunting weekends when hubby has to get up very early.
We sleep in separate rooms at the moment because my husband does lousy with interrupted sleep and I co-sleep to help prevent SIDS. (Lost our first child to SIDS) However, I often join him in his bed to cuddle or more… and we start the night in my bed just cuddling, talking, relaxing and bonding. It also is very temporary as I am getting ready to switch my little one to his own bed now that he is past the dangerous months. I try to make sure I prioritize sexy/bonding time even more than if we were in the same bed.
I sleep in my own room and bed. More comfortable and better sleep. My husband doesn’t spoon or cuddle and hates to be touched. So I went and made the Spare room my oasis. Place to just be calm and rest well. He snores loudly as well and is easily awoken. Just always a conflict between us. However we are both happier with the bed arrangements.
I have moved to a separate bedroom tonite. My husband has totally refused any intimacy, even as mild as a touch. It has been 9 years now since he was diagnosed with 1st stage prostate Cancer, for which he was treated. I have loved and respected him all through. I have been hoping he will recover and respond to my sexual requests/advances. To my utter dismay, last evening, as we discussed about it on my prompting, he told me to live aware that intimacy is over between us. And imagine our children are grown and out the home, such that we are just the two of us together? Rather than build our relationship, we are drifting further apart.
Anyhow, I moved out to test the waters; whether being away from him would cool off my expectations of intimacy…… It is the saddest day for me. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME.
Please write me for support and prayer if you wish. Then we can share e-mails. M
my wife no longer sleeping in same bedroom for four years now. n when I talk to her about it. she replied by saying she cannot leave he
r children to sleep alone. and even when am in d mood to have sex. I called her she will refused coming. am tired. what should I do.
My husband and I have had a very hard year. I lost my grandmother the same day she passed away I came home crying. I was laying on my bed trying to control my tears as my husband walks in and tells me he wants a divorce. My heart was ripped out of my chest. I left town for a week to spend some time with my mom and lay my grandma to rest. I later found out the same day I was saying goodbye to my grandma, my husband was at a strip club with his friends instead of being there when I needed him most. I then left my husband for two months while I tried to gather my strength for my two daughters and tried to prepare myself for the heartache of divorce in that two months I was gone I had found out I was 3 months pregnant with my 3rd child. I came home to pack my stuff and as I was tossing stuff out of my closet my husband tells me how sorry he was and that he wanted to make it work. I gave him the benefit of doubt and decided to work hard for my marriage because I still loved him so much. He was so wonderful my entire pregnancy. My baby is now two weeks old and today my husband said he wanted to turn the downstairs bedroom into his permanent bedroom. I’m not sure if it’s just my hormones or not but I felt my heart rip out of my chest yet again. I don’t know what to do or how I’m supposed to handle this.
My wife has refused intimacy for several years. There are no words to express the emptiness this causes with me. We have been married for 36 years. I have even thought about suicide. I am sad beyond belief. I have read that couples our age normally do not have sex anymore. This is even more depressing. I guess getting older really sucks. Maybe I will go through with the suicide. Life sucks.
Don’t kill yourself that is never the answer. I don’t know what to tell you except keep praying and give it to God I have 2 step sons who are preteens and o just had a baby. My husband works 3rd shift but the nights he is off or comes home early he almost always sleeps with the boys if I ask him to sleep with me he tells me to stop being jealous. He will come to me for a fewinutes when he wants sex then back to bed with them. Leaves me feeling like a cheap whore. But if I want sex he doesn’t have time or to tall. If I talk to him I’m nagging. I have thought of killing myself at times too but I know that is not right and will hurt all 3 of my son’s I just keep praying don’t know what to do he won’t listen and doesn’t seem to care howuch he hurts me he always puts the boys first then wonders why we don’t seem to have a connection any more I’m tired of being 3rd wheel in my marriage
My husband moved to the spare room when our daughter was 4 months old because he used do early shift Monday and the weekends, it was suppose to be only on these days. But now he is too comfortable in that room, our daughter is now a year and two weeks old and he doesn’t do early morning only afternoon. So when ever he feels like having sex he will call me or text me and sadly I will go because I really do miss him. When he is done thn he will get rid of me and I will walk back to my room feeling worthless and when I need him and make my way to his room which I will be rejected most of the times but if I’m luck enough he will do it but I won’t enjoy it at all. I seriously feels worthless in this marriage and I’m so lonely and wishing for everything to go back to normally like how it used to be. He is in his late 20s and I’m on my mids 20s there is no reason for me to go through this 3 weeks without sex, the distance between us is increasing and I’m losing it. I’m sick and tired of crying in my room and talking to him. Maybe he is try to get rid me, should I just walk away?
Hi Lizzy,
That’s so hard! I can imagine how lonely you are? Can you talk to him about it? Have you told him that you’re lonely and you’d like to discuss how you both can connect more? Or how you can have an evening routine which at least involves you spending time together at night? Sometimes men really don’t know how much we’re hurting because we assume that they “get it”, and they don’t. Can you find a good time to bring it up?
Dan, I am so sorry you are in such a terrible place emotionally.
Please don’t harm yourself, it will solve nothing and break the many hearts of those that know and I am sure love you.
Dan…I am in the exact same place. Such abandonment.
So sorry, my husband does everything separate…..just Love yourself and God….we have been married 17 years. A nightmare I would never do again. I have medical problems for the last four years, since I moved in his house, we lived in separate homes for
13;years. He would come over for sex…….his kids were nightmares. Now that I live with him I see why. OCD can’t let go of schedule body obsession.
I am 59 and will probably die soon. The medical problems keep getting worse. I believe a loveless marriage KILLS……..
My husband hasn’t been sleeping with me I feel very rejected and argue alot and took me of his bank account he won’t pay for me any more like going out to eat .
It’s helpful for me to see I’m not alone in having marital difficulties. My wife and I have been married 23 years. Over the past year or two, she has steadily grown apart from me after forming a new circle of friends who all like to work out hard at the gym and party harder. I’m not much into working out and I don’t drink, so I do not fit in with this group. She’s also formed a very close emotional connection with her male personal trainer, who is single, and it is not an exaggeration to think they are having at least an emotional affair. She has also developed a drinking problem and gets drunk every weekend at the parties and also a few nights during the week at home. I spend most evenings by myself, eat most meals by myself, and spend most weekends by myself. In January of this year she moved into a spare bedroom in our house. She is not interested in giving me affection and does not want to receive any from me. She told me she is not interested in being married anymore and considers me to be just a roommate sharing the same house. She is not interested in going to marriage counseling. And she has told me I would be happier if I divorced her. Because of my faith, I don’t believe in divorce and I also do not want to abandon our two college-aged sons. But I’m starting to really question why God brought the two of us together.
When I came home last night she told me “Hey, I read that like 25% of all couples sleep in separate bedrooms”. She had nearly a smile on her face when she said it. It was like she was trying to justify the fact we don’t make love more than once a month. I get the sense we are drifting apart and it pains me deeply.
I pray daily that she will find it in her to desire me as a man again, and we can stop living the charade of a couple when we actually live like roommates.
If it goes on much longer I’m afraid the distance between us will grow to where I no longer feel any passion or love for her and it will kill our relationship. That would be the worst thing to ever visit upon me in my life. I would lose the woman I love and would surely be alone the rest of my life as I know I would never again find love like we had at 55.
I wish God would hear my prayers and show me what to do. I am lost without her touch and separate rooms would take away what little intimacy we share now.
It’s terrible what our loved ones do to us, The pain is unbearable. My husband and I went to marriage counselling and when the therapist asked my husband to tell me what he needs from me, he said, “a divorce.” And then he gave a stupid grin. He was full of glee. The counsellor had no compassion. I just sat there and waited for the evening to end. Speechless. We drove home in a silent car. He lives in the basement now, just biding his time. This is the man who got down on one knee and begged me to marry him. When I was reticent because I felt he was too immature he got angry and kept pursuing. I should have walked away at the time. That was 30 years ago. The lesson here is be wary of men who beg you to marry them. They are no more committed than the reluctant boyfriend.
I am 29 and my daughter is now 3. I have ended up sleeping in my daughters single bed as she sleeps in my bed with my girlfriend ( her mum )
It was ok at first as I needed to get up early for work or just a nice sleep without any disruptions.
However it’s been a long time now and we are starting to drift and as far as closeness lucky if I now get it once a week. Don’t get me wrong I am missing just cuddling and just being next to her saying goodnight.
We have tried putting her in her own room but she just comes back every night even when she fallen asleep and we put her In her own bedroom wakes up in floods of tears and scared.
Probably best to mention that my misses works quite late on two days of the week so I get sleep in my own bed woohoo but unfortunately that’s not woohoo as my little girl is sleeping. Next to me 🙁 I love her to pieces and don’t want her to feel unloved but it’s kind of pushing my relationship apart and I am feeling depressed an isolated.
What can I do.
Hi. I have been married for 2 years. The only time my husbamd touches me is when he wants to have sex and that is like once a month, and he wld just look at me and expect me to initiate. Other times in the month when I initiate its usually met with rejection which hurts alot. I dnt remember the last time he told me he loved me. I stopped saying ot because it felt like he hated the sound of that. He jas never had us do anything for our anniversary. Even though I spoil him on his birthdays that is not reciprocated..
I’m tired and want to sleep in separate room now. I guess he could visit any time he’s horny. I still love him though but I can’t take the pain anymore.. and by the way he knows how I feel about it and he never hesitates to apologise when ever I bring up the issue fr discussion. . But the change lasts only for a couple of minuyes and everything goes back to normal. .
My wife of only one month won’t share a bed with me. She doesn’t understand why it’s so important to me. She says it’s because she can’t fall asleep easily in the same bed, but her unwillingness to try makes me feel like she’s afraid of emotional intimacy. She does occasionally come to the same bed, but does so usually only a few hours before I wake up and is frustrated if I wake up when she enters the bed. She stays as close to the edge of the bed as possible until I leave for the morning and gets frustrated with me if I try to initiate cuddling or talk at all. She often gets up and goes to the other bed after a half hour or so even on the nights she comes to sleep in our bed.
I have no idea how to explain that this is stressful to me and hurts me in a way she’ll understand. She acts like I’m weird for wanting to sleep in the same bed and scoffs at the notion of going to bed at the same time.
I understand that she’s a lighter sleeper than I am, but I don’t understand why she doesn’t value sleeping together enough to try anyway. I work hard to accommodate her by adjusting the lighting and temperature of the room and making sure to stay on my side of the bed and avoid any physical contact or talking more than a minute.
She even got up to sleep on the floor while we were on vacation together last weekend, because she was annoyed with me in bed.
Any suggestions on how this situation might be improved? On how to explain to my wife why this is important to me? The other aspects of our marriage are pretty good. We go on nice dates and have some affection outside the bedroom, but often I feel more like we’re roommates than married, and have trouble sleeping because I’m sad she won’t join me in bed, or wonder if tonight she may. I wake up sad when I look beside me and she’s not there, which is almost every morning. It affects my mood and motivation going to work. It affects my enthusiasm for coming home after. My wife thinks I’m just too sentimental and sappy for this.
My husband just refuses to sleep with me, he hates me to touch him. So he sleeps in our extra bedroom plus were in a sexless marriage. It’s been this way for 30 years and will never change. He won’t let me in to his world.
My wife has been sleeping in a separate room for almost 21 years. what can I do
Hi there. I’m so sorry! You must be so lonely. I think talking to a counsellor is probably really necessary if it’s been going on that long. I’d read the book Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson, too. Sometimes you have to let people feel the consequences of their actions!
This is the most serious thing in my life right now, and I do not know what to do I’ve been married
to my wife for 29 years. We live in separate bedrooms for the last year and it’s been devastating to me. We do not touch or kiss it’s been almost 2 years since we had a intimate relation. I’m 57 she is 62 and she never really liked sex at all. What should I do? I am a Christian and love my wife but I feel so lonely with no relationship at all. Can I do without sex yes but not touch no kiss no nothing is been hard.
I have suddenly start looking for others for companionship and it bothers me and I pray for guidance.
Should we divorce? We have no children, we have talked about this and seem to be my problem not hers. I am closer to my chocolate lab then to my wife and it bothers me severely. I feel like I’m at a cliff
whether to jump or not.
Advice
My wife and my self have been sleeping in separate beds for 20 years my here is no contact between us.I look some where else for that is it wrong .
I got married less than four months ago but my husband has never made love to me (I married a virgin at 29), when I brought it up he told me that at this point in his life he just isn’t interested in sex, (he’s in his early 30s). To me it goes beyond just the act itself, but what it means and what a “normal newlywed” life or any normal marriage should be like. He refuses to seek help, talkin about it usually just leads to fights between us two. I’m so hurt and broken inside, I feel completely rejected and hopeless. I cry every night when I go to sleep, making sure he wouldn’t know I’m crying. A few days ago he woke up and noticed I was crying but I couldn’t get myself to stop and it all led into a horrible fight (yelling and screaming and him breaking things). Ever since then I’ve been sleeping in a separate room. Besides this, our lives would be almost “perfect” everyone thinks we are the most happy couple ever, little do they know how unhappy i am. Outside of this issue he is good to me and I do think he loves me. He does a lot around the house, he’s hardworking, he seems to care about me but refuses to see a professional or seek help, he says he’ll “fix it”. When I ask why wouldn’t he tell me this before getting married he says he didn’t know this problem would follow him with me. I always wanted a family and he knew it, I’m starting to consider divorce/Annulment due to a marriage not consummated. This is all very hard and depressing, I feel totally lost in this.
Hi Lena,
That is so, so awful! My first thoughts would be that he may have homosexual tendencies. It is absolutely NOT normal for a man to not want to have sex at all. He likely has some deep issues he needs to deal with, and you want a family and a real marriage. If he refuses to go to counseling and refuses to talk about it, then you may have little choice.
I know a woman in a similar situation who ended up getting her marriage annulled. She had a rocky few years after that but it was for the best because he had some deep seated psychological issues that only came out later (when he began abusing children). This is just such a huge red flag, and you likely should act on it. I’m sorry.
What makes it even harder for me to give up on my marriage is that outside of that he is very loving and sweet and he’s always hugging me or kissing me, etc but just no sex at all. He makes me breakfast, buys me things, etc as if he’s maybe trying to make up for something else? I just don’t know how to go about this
Lena, I’m so so sorry. I can hear your pain. I have a daughter who has been married for three years in the exact situation. Your husband and hers could be twins they have same exact personality and yet also same problem. Has things gotten any better for you? Did he seek counseling? Have you had anything pop up that would explain the issue?? I’m so upset and devastated for my daughter. She is working hard to save marriage but I have to wonder in the sight of God if this is even a real marriage when it has not been consummated. Her husband is very affectionate otherwise to the point that she doesn’t like him touching her at all. Between his missing desire for real intimacy and he doesn’t shower or brush teeth for days on end.
I just wondered if you had any breakthrough or advice from your experience.
Hi. Just a thought on a husband that doesn’t like intimacy or sex. I have just dicovered aspergers syndrome. I’m convinced my husband has it. He is not at all comfortable with intimacy. Our 18 years of marriage have been all but sexless. He cannot explain why but it is just not important to him. He is definitely not homosexual and not interested in porn.
He is a caring and loving father to our son and had always worked hard to provide for us.
Just thought I’d give a perspective that may help those wondering why a spouse had no interest in intimacy. Look into Aspergers Syndrome.
That’s actually a great suggestion! For many Asperger’s really does reduce the desire to connect sexually.
my situation is that in the last two months our 13 year old heard us while we were being intimate in the middle of the night. the last few weeks he has been coming to me complaining that he cannot sleep his insomnia my husband finally sat him down and had a talk with him and he confessed to hearing us in the middle of the night he so bothered by it that he told my husband he does not want him sleeping in the same room with me so my husband being the father he is said he would sleep on the couch if it made him comfortable until he got over this phase but now im worried about the outcome of our marriage. How can you make a 13 year old boy understand that its ok for parents to have sex and sleep in the same bed? im really considering taking him to a counselor for this. any advise?
I have been married To my husband for three years now and we have always slept in same room together we have not had an easy marriage to say the least he has had problems with being faithful and with porn as well as masturbation while he has never had a problem with complementing a girl/woman on Facebook about they way they look I have never gotten that from him he has always expected me to forgive whatever he has done as soon as he done it if he cheated yesterday its considered the past and if I speak about it I’m throwing the past at him then he became addicted to some hard drugs I went threw another spell of cheating with the addition to verbal abuse because I wanted to know where he was at after he was missing for days at a time he finally got clean until two weeks ago he fell of the wagon so to speak when I brought it to his attention that I knew he was high he told me I was trying to control him that if I loved him I would accept him and the drugs which also means the being gone when ever he feels like it and not asking where he is going or who he is around d I said no so he left he was gone for a week on a binge I begged him to come home I seen him in town and he ran from me he says that I’m controlling however all I asked for was not to hang out with people who use or men who cheat on their wives and no drugs I finally had him ivc to a rehab facility to save his life and he was more worried about everyone and everything else than he was me its always as if I’m the last person he thinks of he has told people that we are not married at his job and now that he is finally home from hospital he stated he needs space so with all this hurt and feelings of worthlessness and loss I have now been pushed out of our bed I currently sleep in a separate bed and he seems perfectly happy with it he has also went to keeping a passcode on his cell phone I don’t know what to do at this point
Amy, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and this is NOT okay. It sounds like you really need some support. Can I suggest trying to find a vibrant church where you can go, maybe one that has some counsellors on staff? Or consider joining a Narcotics Anonymous support group for families of drug addicts? But in no way is his behaviour okay, and it will only keep continuing for as long as you keep tolerating it.
My wife and I sleep in different rooms. She sleeps in bed, and I sleep in my favorite chair. We use to sleep next to each other, but she started using the bed as a table. Specifically my side of the bed. She gets angry if I try to move it, so I just sleep in the chair. We’ve gotten in a lot of fights in the past, and we’ve both made a lot of mistakes during these fights. Me expecially. The hardest part for me, and the reason I feel so hurt by all of this, is that she nearly never apologizes. We haven’t had sex for quite a while, and the last time we did, she made me feel horrible because she was tired when I initiated it. Recently, we had a fight because I was watching Game of Thrones. She said I was “getting off” watching it because “we never have sex”, but I’ve stopped watching it. I feel cut off. I have tried talking to her several times about it, and she always starts yelling at me for annoying her, yet still won’t answer any of the questions I ask. I love her, and I do everything I can to show her, but sometimes she makes comments that sting, then gets mad when I tell her they do. I get that I’m still new to marriage but it’s hard when she won’t talk to me. When she’s mad and won’t tell me why, the only thing she’ll say is, “it’s none of your business.” She says that she sleeps better when I’m there… what do I do? What do I say?
Hi there! I’m so sorry that you feel so disconnected.
But the bed thing is really, really weird. Really weird. If you move the stuff, why not just simply say, “Do you think it’s appropriate to put your stuff here so that I can’t sleep in bed?” And “I would like to find some place else to put this stuff so that I can sleep in my own bed next to the wife that I love.” It’s okay to say these things. And if it upsets her, it’s okay to stick to your guns, because what she is doing is inappropriate!
Hi all thanks for very good advice and pray may every1 have happy marriage life.
I am 15 years older than my wife in adultery we have 1 son together I am 40 she is 25. After our son born I took her and her mother in trample and got married now because we not from same religion she dnt believe in marriage. I am working earning good have Owen house. Everything to stay happy.last year she been out of marriage and had bf I found out call her family and they spoke to her she left him. We was happy for 4 months and she dicide to start in difrent room it’s hard me very bad I dnt want to quit my marriage I forgave and forget the past. She want to do things she said wat 25 year girls does study and work I agree with her and I sport her but it’s hurts me she argue she have no respect she dnt even wakeup for ask me if I need a break fast I dnt know wat to do please help.i love her from my heart I believe God have some connection that’s why we meet and that happened if I think back we try best to get abortion but nothing work God wanted the boy baby come in are life’s a hands-on child God blessed us .I am so scared if I walk away from him he will be suffer in his life with 1 parent how he will grow in angr I always try my best to explain her but she dnt listen please advice what must do to put my family together.
My wife of 36 years recently visited her physician because she was having trouble sleeping, and it surfaced during their discussion that part of the issue for her sleeplessness is my snoring. So, her physician suggested that she ask me to sleep in a separate room.
I have been sleeping in a separate room now for two weeks and my wife says she is now getting sleep and feels much better. However, I feel very sad to the point where I sometimes feel like crying. I am sad because after 36 years, we are no longer sleeping together and we have sex maybe once per week.
I am very physically fit. I am a body builder and I do jiu-jitsu and karate, so I am abnormally fit for a man my age (almost 60). I have sleep apnea, but my wife had refused to sleep with me if I used the machine, and when I did use it I wound up in the hospital with pneumonia, no matter how clean I kept the machine. To clarify, several years back when first diagnosed with sleep apnea, my wife “allowed” me to use the CPAP machine, and she put up with it for a while. Well, after a couple of bouts of pneumonia and after being annoyed for a period of time due to the noise it made, my wife said either stop using it or sleep elsewhere. So I stopped using it because of the pneumonia and because I wanted to sleep in the same bed as my wife.
So I am caught between a rock and a hard place now. My wife no longer can tolerate my snoring, I can’t use the CPAP, and thus I am seemingly relegted to another bedroom forever.
We get along just fine, and I do still love her and she says she loves me, but being in separate rooms, having sex once per week, and knowing there is no good solution to the snoring really has me sad and depressed.
Any suggestions?
Hi Alessio! I’m sorry you’re feeling so lonely. One thing really hits me as important, though: you NEED to be using a CPAP machine. It’s just too important for your health. If you’re getting pneumonia, maybe you don’t have a good one? Honestly, I have to use earplugs at the slightest noise. I’m a VERY light sleeper. But my mom has a CPAP machine and my assistant who travels with me while I speak has one, and I can sleep easily in the same room with one. No noise at all. So if she’s bothered by it, and if you’re getting pneumonia, maybe you should look into a different one? They shouldn’t cause pneumonia at all, so maybe it’s not fitting properly?
Then as for what to do, I’d just spend some time cuddling every night and talking in bed, and then you can go to another room. Then sex can still happen. But I’d work on the CPAP machine first. And then talk to her about missing her and how you can still connect.
I need help. So, my husband and I have been married for six years. We had a baby early and since she has been born, she has slept in our full size bed. I got pregnant again and we had gotten a cal king bed and put it next to our full. I slept on the full so our little wouldn’t kick my belly. When the second child came, she sleeps with me on the full bed and the first kid sleeps with my husband on the cal king. I wanted to put the girls in their own beds but we couldn’t afford them. We end up moving states for a job opportunity for my husband and we finally have money to get beds for the girls. He says he isn’t emotionally ready for them to leave our beds for us to finally sleep together after five years of not.
He has recently been really watching porn and masterbating. I feel so lonely and not important anymore. He will only have sex when he wants it and ready but it just ends with him masterbating to porn.
I still ask to get the girls beds so we can sleep next to each other and he still says no.
He refuses to go to counseling and doesn’t want to go to church since we moved.
He says porn addiction is not a reason to divorce, but he won’t stop. I tell him to let me put a restriction on his phone, he says he can get it removed.
I asked him what marriage means to him and he tells me that he doesn’t know. Never knew. Doesn’t know if it was right to get married or be married.
All I wanted was for the kids to be in their own beds and own room and for his addiction to stop. Nothing. I have no family near me and I wasn’t close to the church we had formerly went to. I just don’t know what to do anymore.