Marriage red flags–all of us have marriage issues, but how do you know if an issue crosses the line into dangerously weird territory?
I receive many emails from women in crisis, and today, on Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d share 10 marriage and sex red flags that really shouldn’t be ignored.
Often we don’t realize when something is off, because we’re new at this whole marriage thing, and most of us don’t share personal and intimate details with our friends. So how can you know if something that worries you is actually a red flag for something quite serious?
What is a Sex or Marriage Red Flag?
If you ignore it, your marriage will only get worse, and your husband will only fall deeper and deeper into sin or more and more away from God and his family (depending on what the issue is).
In this post, I’m not talking about abuse–though this, too, will not get better on their own and will need a third party. Here’s a post specifically for information on emotionally destructive relationships. I want to talk more about sexual red flags in marriage.
These problems represent an issue that your husband has–not something that you have caused, and so you cannot make it better. You can, however, make it more likely that he will get the help he needs by taking it seriously. And that is the most loving thing you can do.
For information on how to involve a third party, read my post on being a spouse instead of an enabler, or check out my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.
Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING?
There’s a better way!
Here are 10 Sex and Marriage Red Flags that shouldn’t be ignored:
1. If your husband says he enjoys sex, but he never wants to make love–Red Flag!
Men, in general, have a higher sex drive than women do. That doesn’t mean that if you have a higher sex drive than your husband that there is necessarily something wrong with him.
But if your husband never wants to make love, even though he says he enjoys it, then that is a red flag. Even if his sex drive is lower than yours, he should want to make love at least sometimes. Here’s a more in-depth series on what to do if your husband doesn’t want sex–and when this really is a red flag.
2. If your husband considers lack of sex to be a spiritual virtue–Red Flag!
One wife of a busy, hardworking pastor sent this in:
We do need to rely on God, but we also were created for intimacy with our spouses. When someone consistently rejects sex, while also rejecting an emotional relationship with their spouse, they are likely running from intimacy in general. In this man’s case, he may be lacking intimacy with God, too, thinking that activity for God is the equivalent of intimacy with God. It’s not.
He likely needs a counselor or mentor to sit down with him and talk through his priorities–and also a counselor who can walk him through why he’s running from intimacy and believes that self-sufficiency is the highest good. This attitude will make him an ineffective father and husband, but it will also ultimately make him an ineffective pastor.
3. If your husband has never been able to “complete the deed”, especially if he’s young–Red Flag!
I remember one woman who wrote me who married when she and her husband were quite naive and ignorant about how sex worked. She told me that she didn’t think she had ever had sex, and didn’t understand how it even happened.
After more questions, it turned out that her husband had never had an erection.
Young men should have no problem maintaining an erection. If he is unable to with you, then he has either major sexual issues or major psychological issues. Or, alternatively, he may have trained himself through masturbation to only respond to direct stimulation, as in this case:
He asked and asked about seeing a urologist. Basically, my daughter came away thinking because there doesn’t seem to be a problem. He can ejaculate, therefore the urologists says everything is working fine. Could he have masturbated so long that he doesn’t get the same feeling inside her?
That brings us to this one:
4. If your husband chooses masturbation over intercourse–Red Flag!
I’ve had several women saying that they have been going for months without sex–but then one woman walked in on her husband masturbating in the shower. He says he does it every day, and suggests she does it, too, she they don’t have to be bothered with sex.
Solo masturbation is selfish and steals intimacy. If someone chooses masturbation over sex consistently, they likely have withdrawn in other ways and have stunted their emotional development, because they’re becoming self focused rather than relationship focused.
I speak more about masturbation in marriage here.
5. If your husband withdraws after making love–Red Flag!
Making love should bring you closer together. When you’re making love, you produce the “bonding” hormone oxytocin which helps you feel more affectionate. If, after making love, he becomes angry, distant, or disconnected, that’s likely a signal that he is fighting some sexual or psychological issues that need to be dealt with.
The next three sex red flags are quite common today, and often result from an addiction to pornography:
6. If your husband refuses to share passwords, let you see his phone, or let you on his computer–Red Flag!
A marriage should have complete trust and openness. If he is adamant that his phone and computer are private, that is practically a guarantee that he is doing something he should not do. If you ask him, he may end up attacking you: “don’t you trust me? Are you that insecure?”
I have never known a marriage where a husband or wife refuses access to their phones who isn’t also either texting inappropriately or watching porn. Never.
If he refuses to let you see things, that’s a definite sign there’s something wrong. One more tip: If you do find something on his phone or computer, take a screen shot or a picture with your phone, so that it can’t be denied later. Then insist on talking with a counselor about it.
7. If your husband is not interested in pleasing you, and seems almost disconnected during sex–Red Flag!
If your husband becomes almost a robot in bed, closing his eyes and refusing to talk to you, then he’s disconnecting, perhaps because he can’t become aroused without picturing something else–or someone else–in his head. If he were to talk to you, it would break the fantasy. If sex is impersonal, there’s something wrong.
Note: this may not be a huge sin issue. If a guy grew up masturbating to porn, but doesn’t watch porn anymore, he could simply be having a hard time getting aroused now because he’s trained his sexual response wrong (that’s one of the side effects of porn!). It doesn’t mean he’s watching porn now (though he could be). Talk to him about it and try to work through it together, though an accountability group or counselor may be necessary.
8. If your husband is not interested in intercourse, but only wants other sexual acts–Red Flag!
Porn depicts sexual acts that are more degrading, and thus often more “photograph worthy”, then simply making love. Add that to a porn habit which is self-focused with masturbation, and many men are not interested in actual sex because it requires mutuality. If your husband prefers other sexual acts (or consistently “degrading” things) to intercourse, he likely has a problem with porn.
Note: if your husband simply wants some variation in bed, there’s nothing wrong with that! But if a man only wants oral sex–red flag!
Finally, the last two red flags represent a man with a seriously disturbed sexuality, which really does need a counselor (and unfortunately I’ve had several of these types, too):
9. If your husband has to role play himself or get you to role play to become aroused–Red Flag!
If sex has to be rough, or if he has to pretend to be very young, or that you are very young–or any variation on this sort of thing–that’s a danger sign. Many couples like to role play; but if the role play is necessary to his arousal, then there is something at work that really does need to be dealt with, as Shannon Ethridge talks about in The Fantasy Fallacy.
10. If your husband wears strange clothing in private–Red Flag!
One reader wrote in with this story:
If a man starts wearing odd clothing, especially in bed, this is a sign of a serious psychological issue that needs to be dealt with.
I’m sorry to be so graphic or to talk about such distasteful things today.
I know that this is not what the vast majority of you deal with. But what scares me when I see some of these emails is that the wives don’t seem to realize how serious many of these things are, because it’s their “normal”. So I want to say, loudly and clearly, these things are NOT normal. They ARE red flags. And you really, really do need to get help, for the sake of his own spiritual growth, and that of your relationship.
If you want to see what normal sex is, and what God created sex to be, my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex explains it all, and it may help you put words to what you instinctively feel is wrong.
What’s the Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex about?
And in The Good Girl’s Guide–I teach you how to do exactly that. I show how God intended sex to be intimate in three ways: spiritually, emotionally, AND physically. And I show you how to get there, too!
If you’ve struggled with figuring out what all the fuss is about, or you feel held back in marriage because you just can’t embrace your sexual side, then check out The Good Girl’s Guide!
You were meant for more.
My sympathy for any of you who are walking through this.
Please know that God is big enough to get you through–and your husband is never so messed up that God cannot redeem him and redeem your marriage. He may not choose to do so–we all have free will to reject God’s help. But God can do amazing things when we let Him, and I pray that this will be evident in your marriages!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
First of all, thanks for providing such a wonderful resource for women, marriage and families (and the more than a few men who read this for encouragement and hope).
Did I miss the top 10 sex and marriage red flags for men? Can any of these be reversed (when I say reversed, I mean substitute the word husband for wife)?
Under which similar situations should a man seek the help of a third party?
Thanks,
That’s a good question! I’d say many of them could definitely be reversed. I’ll think about writing one for men, too.
Yes can you please because I searched for “my wife hates me naked” and I got your blog which yet again talked about women issues. Just like when I search for controlling spouses or abusive relationships. I have studied women studies for 3 years as part of my business degree and yet I was one of 300, on average, in all 8 classes I can tell you this..there are fundamental reasons behind lower sperms counts in western culture, higher suicide rates amoung men married for 25+ years, and a substantial increase of unknown injuries at emergency wards by men…I’m not sure if it’s because of too much testosterone in the water or too much estrogen but the pendulum has gone too far in the wrong direction where a women can stab and kill her husband and get community service because he won’t do laundry but when she kicks a dog she goes to jail!!
I get the same problem when I look up certain problems that don’t fit in with the expectations of my sex/gender. I’m a woman and have tried to use Google to get advice on something pertaining to my life, only to see links discussing males’ perspective of said problem.
As for the criminal justice system, one can not easily argue that it works haha. Many people do bad things and are not held accountable. Likewise, many people who are innocent end up being erroneously held accountable for someone else’s actions. This happens to both men and women, of all walks of life. The verdict and sentencing one receives is dependent on many factors, including quality of representation, quality of investigative work, who serves on the jury, the circumstances surrounding the defendants life, who investigates such conditions, and who presides over the hearings. The TV often sensationalizes stories in order to gain viewer ratings and illicit advertising revenue. This story you speak of, about a woman getting off the hook and who’s husband merely refused to do laundry sounds like one such story – a story which has been watered down and oversimplified and sensationalized in order to illicit an emotional knee-jerk response from the public. If not merely a statistical outlier, it does not sound true. No tragedy of that nature is quite so simple as the papers and TV want to make them out to be. I urge you not to be mislead by these divisive forces.
The highest cause of death to pregnant women, after car accidents, is homicide. Most women are not killed by other women, but by men. Most men who died by homicide, also, were killed by fellow men. The pendulum has not even begun to swing “in the other direction”. Only when women are murdering men and other women at an identical rate can you say there is a pendulum swinging. There is no pendulum. There are only people, and people are evolving. I don’t mean that in the literal sense, but figuratively. Violent crime is lowest now in the U.S. than it has been in 25 years.
It is okay to be frustrated with your situation, but it isn’t healthy to misrepresent facts, and put forth falsified cultural trends, as a manner of coping with your frustration.
Female on male violence is reported much less often than male-on-female. My husband has seen cases in his practice where the wife staged the house to look like a struggle had taken place, attacked the husband violently as he entered the home, then called the cops or screamed out the window that he was trying to kill her. The poor man would be arrested, even though the only injuries were his. And yes, these men go into the system as “domestic abusers”, get stripped of their firearms rights and barred from their homes, when the only thing they did wrong was marry a psycho.
Don’t get me started on the false police reports of child molestation that NEVER HAPPENED, because the wife was angry that the husband sought custody or a reduction in child support. Or because she was unhappy with the holiday visitation schedule and thought having him in jail would solve her problem!
Then there are men like my brother, who suffer emotional abuse and physical abuse for years, but don’t dare call the cops because they’re afraid she’ll cry, lie, and get him arrested- which then leaves the violent psycho alone with the children all night. After 12 years of being hit, stabbed, having his phone and kitchen appliances broken over his arms and face and his skin scratched off, he caught her cheating (not for the first time, he later discovered) and decided he FINALLY had grounds for a Biblical divorce. God be praised, he got custody of the kids, and all of them are now safe!
So no, I don’t put much faith in the domestic violence statistics, since I know of so many cases where no report was made, or the real victim was arrested instead of the perp, because the perp was female and benefitted from widespread and long-standing gender stereotyping on this issue. I’m sure (I hope) you didn’t mean to attack D, but yes, I think he probably has the right of it. There are a lot of men out there in abusive situations, and it doesn’t help them to tell them their assaults are “outliers”, “oversimplified” or “don’t sound true” simply because they don’t reflect YOUR experience!
My exhusband wanted a**l sex towards the end and use toys to excite me and tjen wanted me to use toys to excite him….he ended up having an affair and blammed me for not being sexually attracted to me. He discovered he had low T and needed viagra yet i am damaged mentally and cannot think of being with a man because of this.
Woow this all me and my husband marriage ..20 yrs..tells me ..I’m going crazy ..or it’s me….but I seen the signs for yrs ..help me..
Kristy, this is me also and my marriage, If i would of known things would of gone differently and i would of got a divorce.
I’m in the same boat. Married 25 years. Im dying of loneliness.
My wife , last had sex 4 years ago on our honey moon , and 5 days out of the month ,goes to her other ranch and stays with her ex. It is not always the man. they have moor history together then I and Iris ,and I am 10 years younger then her . I of course protest . she tells me she is true . and I want to believe in Iris . There is no room for me , I cant ever catch up wile her ex is still in the picture . this is killing a part of me . but I want to believe . NO BODY WILL TOUCH THIS OR ADDRESS IT . Not our pastier not our counselor not our friends I am telling you nobody !
Bryan, that’s an extremely toxic situation. I don’t understand it. I think you need to draw some definite boundaries and decide what you will and will not tolerate. I’d suggest reading the book Boundaries, or the book Love Must Be Tough. This isn’t right.
Please explain why #10 is an issue? My husband has bought sexy briefs to wear to bed. I have told him previously that I like them, and I thought he was just trying to be more attractive to me. I’m confused as to why this is a red flag, because you didn’t explain why like you did the others.
Hi Stephanie, “sexy briefs” aren’t odd clothing. Odd clothing would be wearing women’s clothing; wearing fetish or stripper clothing; wearing BDSM clothing. Does that make sense? Trying to be sexy is not a red flag; engaging in strange sexual practices is.
Thank you! I have been married to the same woman since 19 yrs of age for 30+ yrs now and when thongs started really trending I was curious how it would feel to wear them? Especially since I tend to sweat a lot with bulky hot briefs or boxers on. So anyway, I purchased some thongs for MEN. She doesn’t prefer them as I guess she is just too old fashioned but she doesn’t mind me wearing them if that’s what I prefer. The writer here acts like since I like thong underwear it means I am going to hell! I have been born again and try to avoid as much sin as possible, but now I just learned from the writer that doesn’t matter because I am going to hell for wearing a man thong under my completely clothed body and for my wife’s eyes only! WTH???
Keith, no, I’m sorry about that insinuation. The thongs is not the issue at all. The problem is that thongs are more often worn in certain communities and among people with certain sexual preferences. And many men like to wear women’s thongs. That’s the issue. If you’re doing it merely out of preference and that’s it, that’s fine. But for many men, there’s far more going on than just the thong, and the thong often signals it.
Thank you for putting such an important topic on a public platform. I get many anonymously asked questions about similar issues to my Facebook page for other members facing divorce to answer and give their own personal experiences too. While none are actual therapist or mental health professionals so many share the same sentiments that the victims of this type of Betrayal Trauma need to be careful in choosing a Counsler familiar with Betrayal Trauma because in this new modern world porn is often looked at as harmless when indeed being continuously rejected in favor of the addictive dompamine response instant and connectionless gratification and pleasure porn brings is absolutely soul crushing to a healthy loving woman who wants nothing more than to share a healthy intimate bond with a caring responsive spouse.
This is such a great list of Red flags. I’ve dealt with some of these and thankfully I had a husband who loved me enough that he wanted to change. We got someone else involved and he did change. The last 3 years of our 15 year marriage have by far been the best and getting better. I can’t imagine it being any better but I’m sure it will be. I am so intensely in love with my husband now -four years ago, I didn’t even want to be near him.
How did you get help?
I think I know what you are meaning by #10. But there is a flip side to that. My husband asked me to pick up some “eye candy” for him to wear to please me because he likes to see me in lingerie. This was for an anniversary trip. Now, he only wears the thong as a signal that he is interested in sex or as a flirtation with me. He never wears them out of the house (unless we are on a romantic get away, then in the hotel room), but always for my viewing. So he is wearing strange underwear in private, but for me. When the kids are out of the house or we are alone on a trip, we will sometimes have “lingerie dinner” where we are both in lingerie while cooking and eating.
I think the difference between my situation and #10 is that I like that he wants to flirt and start me anticipating an encounter and the lady in that story didn’t like it but he ordered more. But I did want to comment that just because your husband puts on a thong and asks “what do you think”, it may not be a red flag.
I agree. I think my husband would be cute in a MAN’S thong. I can see where things could get creepy, though, and the red flag seems to be that he is doing when his wife hates it.
If your husband wants to wear lingerie or feminine clothes, he’s probably transgender. It makes me so sad when GLBTQI people feel forced into heterosexual marriages. It just ends in heartbreak for everyone involved.
Thanks so much, this is awesome. Even if I had recognised any of these situations as ‘not right’ I wouldn’t have spoken to anyone and kept it in the marriage. If you are in any of these situations, seek good professional help, ideally for both of you, but if he won’t go then you must get help for yourself.
We have been down the road of porn addiction and honestly he went for help for aboutique 8 weeks and since then he has struggled with relapse over the last 3 years. I just wish he would allow a 3rd party in to help and I can understand the shame he feels because believe it or not it is shameful for me to have to tell someone we have had this struggle in our marriage. Thank you for writing on this topic because it really helps to know what is appropriate and what is not. I am still not sure if our marriage is salvagable, only time will tell. Thank you for all that you do.
I found this blog on pinterest and just finished reading through the 29 Days of Great Sex series, and then made my way here. Well, just when I was thinking my marriage was going great, here I find myself with 2 of the 10 red flags. For one, my husband never seems to want to have sex. I am almost always the initiator. If I had to put a number on it, I’d say he initiates sex once or twice a year. We are open communicators, and I’ve brought this us numerous times, and he always says that he is interested, just not as often as I am, and that I initiate so often that I don’t really give him a chance to. So maybe my high libido is the problem. We have sex 1-2x/week, though I’d love if it was more like 3 or 4x/week. I have talked to a few trusted friends about this and my personal therapist, and all mentioned that part of our issue could be our 9 year age difference. I am in my early 30s (is it true that this is a woman’s sexual peak?) and he is in his early 40s.
My other red flag was internet and phone passwords. He doesn’t want to share them. I am definitely a snoop though, because I am always worried that he is hiding something from me. I go through his bags (he carries a backpack and gym bag), and when he leaves his computer out I look at his internet history. He hates when I do these things, and gets quite defensive, blaming it on my insecurities. But I don’t understand what he has to hide. I’ve never found any porn in 15 years together. There were a few times when I discovered financial situations (debts) that I didn’t know about, because he is the bill payer. Once I found some texts between him and a woman he works with that I felt were a little too friendly, and got very upset, but there was nothing to suggest he was cheating really, I just thought it was too close a friendship for my comfort. I just don’t understand what he is so secretive about. For a while after the coworker text incident he let me look at his phone whenever I wanted, but now he has it locked down again. And he’s been secretive for our entire marriage (12 years) and this incident was only a few months ago. What do I do?
We’ve attempted couples counseling a few times in our marriage, but it has never “worked.” The counselors always seem to see us as a couple who have some differences, but overall we’re dong so well. We have fantastic sex when I initiate it, and while he hides his passwords and some things about our finances, I’ve never found anything more concerning than that. Most of the time in marriage counseling the counselor’s attention turns to me and my insecurities, since I am the one with diagnosed depression and anxiety. And then I feel like he comes off looking like a saint, a perfect husband who is only trying to help his mentally ill wife.
I’m sorry I wrote such a long comment. Thanks for taking the time to read it.
I went through something similar feeling like the mentally ill wife with the saint husband with our therapist. Then we changed counsellors because my husband even agreed the old one was taking his side and shouldn’t! Our new therapist of 3 years now calls us both out on our crap. GET A NEW THERAPIST! Spouses should have all social media and interactions with others open and available to their spouse. It’s only right to be honest. Both of you. Hope this helps!
I totally second this! Sometimes you need a new counsellor who will challenge you towards growth and honesty. If that isn’t happening–change counsellors!
A friend referred me to this web site due to my marriage problems. I’ve spent the better part of the day reading articles and comments and frankly I’m more despondent than when I came here. Here is my story. My wife and I have been married for 21 years this month. We have a sexless marriage. I wish she could have known about these red flags before we married as then she would not have married me. I grew up in an alcoholic home with a raging father who probably had untreated PTSD from WWII. Everything wrong in our home was my fault. My mother emotionally incested me as my father was unavailable to her. She constantly told me how sex was very unpleasant for women and a duty only for the wife. She also revealed that the reason for many years between my older brother and sister and I was that they only wanted two children, but that my father raped her the night I was conceived (they used the rhythm method). They didn’t want me but abortion was not legal back then. Many a day I wish that it had been. I was a shy, introverted child and teen, constantly bullied at school due to being forced to wear black rimmed glasses, short hair, gold sweaters and corduroy pants in the era of long hair, jeans and tie dyed t-shirts. I began self-gratifying at puberty. Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, videotapes, then Internet porn. I lost my virginity to a prostitute, although obtaining and/or maintaining an erection has never been possible for me with any woman. My first relationship was at 32 years of age. We had relations but it ended quickly as I was (and still am) unable to initiate relations. I met my wife 4 years later. She asked me out and otherwise took the lead, including in bed before and after our marriage. We had twin sons less than a year after we married. We both came to faith about 2 years into our marriage. At that point my wife confided in me that she had never enjoyed relations with me, and that we would not have relations again until I initiated as that was my role as the husband/head of the home. She is still waiting. We have spent most of our marriage in/under one form of counseling or another. The only Christian counseling in our area is our pastor, but he is not an expert in sexual matters. We had worked through dozens of “guides to better sex” books and programs to no avail. I have had an aversion to touch since childhood. Not only do I not find holding hands, hugs, kissing etc. pleasurable, they are quite unpleasant for me. I have forced myself at our pastor’s urging to try and meet my wife’s need for physical affection, but she does not find it pleasurable because she can tell I’m doing it out of duty in a mechanical way. I stopped self gratifying/porn use years ago. Rather than increase my desire for my wife, the result has been a complete cessation of any sexual desire on my part. My body does “release” about once a week in my sleep. We’ve basically been “roommates” for most of our marriage. I sinfully regret ever marrying, even though that would mean our sons would never have been born. I’m ashamed to admit that but the pain I’ve caused my wife, and she me has taken a terrible toll. I realize that fundamentally I’m completely shut down emotionally. I’ve heard and read a lot about “intimacy” but don’t really understand it except to say that for me, intimacy=vulnerability=pain. Every single time I’ve ever been emotionally vulnerable with anyone (parents, friends, wife) I’ve been deeply wounded. I know that’s no justification to stop trying, but I have. I’ve been praying and exercising the other means of grace for years now with no improvement at all. We managed to focus on our sons for our marriage, but last year they moved out. Things have been getting worse and worse between my wife and I as without our sons in the home (she home educated them right through high school), she is all alone and so her sole focus is on my shortcomings and how terrible our marriage is. We won’t divorce as we know it’s a sin. My wife has grounds (I committed adultery with several prostitutes in the early years of our marriage). I really don’t know where to go from here. If I thought there was help available somewhere I’d be willing to move there, but most counseling is worldly secular based (the few we tried recommended we divorce and pretty much made it clear they thought I was a hopeless case). All I can say is that I’m waiting on the Lord. I know I can’t change myself as I’ve tried for 2 decades, and so either I’ve been asking Him the wrong way or it’s just not in his providential will for whatever reason. My single greatest hope at this point is that the sins of my father and I will not be visited upon my sons. They both believe in the Christian courtship model and are waiting until they are established before they begin to look for a wife. I praise the Lord for that.
I am so, so sorry that you are walking through this–but please, don’t give up! God loves redemption and reconciliation. It’s His trademark! And I do believe that His will is that you do understand intimacy.
A few thoughts–find a good counselor you can “see” via Skype if your pastor isn’t helping.
Don’t focus on sex; that’s only the symptom. Get to the root, which is healing of intimacy. A great book is Leanne Payne’s The Broken Image which looks at how fundamental hurts can impact our sexuality. You need to deal with those hurts first.
Start a system of conversation starters with your wife where you learn to actually communicate and talk. A great app for this is Dare2Share , which helps you start with basic conversation of facts and then slowly takes you through to greater levels of intimacy.
I’d start there, and then work on the sex. And get involved in a great men’s Bible study where you’re really looking at who Jesus is and how He loves you.
The last few decades of your marriage can be better than the first few ones–really! But you have to start having hope that God can work. The more you live in shame and despondency, the less He’s able to do anything.
Thank you for replying Sheila, I wasn’t really expecting an answer/suggestions, nor do I have any hope anything short of a miracle will change things (a life of misery will do that, even to believers). Remote counseling isn’t an option as we live in the country and our satellite Internet doesn’t support VoIP (i.e. Skype). I did get the kindle version of the book you recommended and read it last night. Frankly I’m shocked as it is focused on homosexuals, and the author’s “solution” was some sort of mystical charasmatic catholic prayers performed by those so “gifted by God’. Way too “new age” for this reformed Presbyterian to believe. As for the “get to know you” game, I don’t have an Apple device. That said, there is no way my wife and I could do such a game. We are at the point that any conversation beyond basic logistical issues results in hurtful remarks from both of us. The gist is that neither of us like the other’s “true self”, so the more honestly we talk, the less we like each other. We’ve never had anything in common (other than our sons) and have no shared interests whatsoever. We basically lied to each other prior to marriage about who we are, and both fell in love with ‘the idea” that someone might love us, but we lied to each other about that too. That’s part of the problem we have with all of the marriage books/programs we’ve been through as they tend to focus on “regaining” lost love and/or original things one liked about one another, which doesn’t apply to us. Anyway, as I said in my first post, my only hope is that my sons will have a better walk with the Lord, and that He won’t “visit my sin” upon them.
Hi again,
I’m sorry I didn’t warn you about the homosexual aspect of that book! I really think, though, that it is one of the best descriptions and explanations I’ve ever read about how our sexuality can veer off course (whether it’s with homosexuality or asexuality or whatever; the root is often the same). And we really do need healing.
If I can be so bold, I understand that the book is outside your comfort zone–but you’ve said yourself that your comfort zone isn’t working. I think perhaps what you need is to be very, very uncomfortable. To stretch yourself so that you start feeling the things you’ve been suppressing.
As for not being able to have conversations with your wife–well, again, you have a choice. You can say, “this is all hopeless and there’s nothing we can do”, or you can decide that things need to change. But there’s nothing magical about change; it doesn’t come from outside. It comes from people saying, “we’re not going to be like this anymore, and no matter what it takes, or how uncomfortable it gets, we’re going to change.”
As for punishing your sons, God doesn’t work that way. He doesn’t punish or visit sins upon kids. We live under grace. That being said, when kids grow up in a house that is devoid of intimacy, they often have difficulty establishing intimacy themselves, not because they’re being punished by God, but because they never saw it and so psychologically they’re missing a key ingredient.
You can worry that God may visit something upon them, but, again, if I may be so bold, that’s deflecting. It’s not God who is doing it; it’s you and your wife if you don’t decide, “we are going to address the root issues and actually do something about it.”
It’s going to be uncomfortable. People will tell you to do things you don’t want to do. Change and growth are hard. But they are necessary. And if you want to do the right things by your sons, I’d really look at how you can progress, rather than finding all the reasons why things can never get better. I’m sorry for being harsh, but that’s the way life is. You can stay helpless, or you can say, “I will move forward.” The right thing to do and the hard thing to do are usually the same thing.
Wow. I’m really disappointed by this comment on homosexuality. I think most reputable sources recognize that our sexual orientation is innate, but that we can choose how to respond to our urges. As for asexuality– I feel like a good argument can be made for that being a big part of the Church’s history and continues to be in denominations where celibacy is recognized as a call.
No hope, hello there is always hope! I’m a true Christian I feel so are you and your wife and I am willing to help you. Your wife too . You have a bond you can build on. She loves you and her heart aches for you to show her love and you put up a wall years before you met her. So brick by brick take it down by the way so has she in response. She never said it had to be perfect just” you have to initiate it “ you know how to go to a prostitution place which in a sense is initiated sex ! I have some ideas to help you and your wife. If they fail then back to the drawing board.
Why don’t you just have sex with your wife for goodness sake’s? Maybe you need testosterone, maybe you and/or she are not fit and attractive. Do you and she brush your teeth and tongue and floss? A gross mouth is not nice to kiss. Something else has got to be going on.
And if your wife has grounds for divorce, it is NOT a sin.
Dear Sir,
You don’t need marriage counseling, you need intensive trauma counseling. You are suffering from unresolved PTSD caused by childhood abuse.
I’ve been in a similar boat. I was molested by my father and found real vulnerability too painful. I’ve been in therapy for about two years now, and while parts of it have been extremely painful, my life is improving greatly.
I am also a Christian and had some concerns about seeking secular counseling. But though my first therapist was Jewish, he greatly supported and encouraged my faith. It is possible to find secular counselors who are conservative and Christian, or who will support you wherever you are. Though I understand that your location in the country limits your options.
Even if said help can’t save your marriage, you should do it for your own health. It’s hard, but the benefits are worth it.
If you want to learn a bit about the process, try a book called The Courage to Heal. It’s a secular book and may have some ideas that seem foreign, but it should give you some insight into what healing from early sexual trauma looks like.
I pray that you will find peace and healing.
I pray nohope sees this or is on his way to healing. April, you hit it exactly on the head. Unresolved childhood trauma often results in complex ptsd. One of the signs of this is not knowing how to be intimate, sexually and otherwise.
Nohope, you’re in a good place because you recognize what’s causing the problem and some of the effects. As Sheila said, you can change but you have to believe that it’s possible. myptsd.com is a secular site but it has a complex ptsd forum that may be helpful for you to see that other people have this issue and can heal from it.
For another source of information about trouble with intimacy, check out Hiding from Love by Dr. John Townsend.
My wife refuses any kind of help.
But the longer I am OK without it, the more she thinks marriage really is just being a good roommate.
If I don’t act like there’s a problem with a sexless marriage, then maybe she’ll turn around?
After how many years? Ten? I can’t wait that long.
ColorofGrey, I really don’t think you SHOULD ignore it. Your wife is running away from intimacy, which means that she is running away from growth–and from God. And we aren’t supposed to do that. I’d point you to this post which talks about how as spouses we aren’t to enable sin. I think it’s really important, and I so hope that this helps!
Thanks, Sheila.
I read the article and I liked it. I read a lot. I have been to therapy, marriage counseling, and now I’m working with a life coach.
I’m not ignoring the problems with our marriage. But it’s inherently a one-way street. If I try to talk to her about any issues with our marriage, she shuts down and resents me for it, tells me I’m trying to change her, or that I don’t love her for who she is (but she couldn’t stand me if I mirrored her behaviors).
So I struggle to keep getting better; more patient, more understanding, less asking her to do anything or consider any kind of outside assistance. I always saw counseling as a way to build a marriage, to make it stronger, like a vitamin—-you won’t die without a vitamin, but it can help everyone.
Instead, now we’re in crisis, only if I show that we’re in crisis my wife pulls further away.
I tried making counseling an ultimatum. Big mistake. I learned the hard way never to use any resemblance of that word with her. I’m certain that even if I could convince her to meet with a 3rd party she would resent me and the counselors for it rather than open up to the idea of being part of the solution—-she’s not simply afraid to do the “hard work,” but is convinced no spouse should have to. It demoralizes me for all the work (and money) I have put in.
The article mentions debt, I paid for the wedding and I’m still paying for it, the honeymoon, every trip since. I KNOW she needs to change. But I can’t tell her that. I have before and it was a disaster, and so now I try to focus on me alone and ignore our marriage issues.
As a result, she loves me, and our marriage. I’m a great husband who doesn’t tell her about my pain and that she’s rejecting me (she does a lot of the things in the video such as horrible hygeine, gross behaviors, complaining, always being tired with me but never when she’s out with friends past 2 AM, etc.).
I need her to get help? No. WE need her to accept responsibility. And I’m the only one in the marriage who recognizes it. So I can’t tell how to change and I’m afraid on a long enough timeline the only answer is to leave——-I can’t continue to be a good husband forever and hide any issues just to keep her from resenting me more and growing farther away from being able to choose outside help on her own. I know I need to make her understand we need help and she needs to be part of it. But I can’t. It doesn’t work that way with her.
She’s adopted, her mother was awful to her and she has serious vulnerability issues——I mentioned not everyone needs counseling but everyone can benefit from it, but my wife is one of those people I think sincerely needs counseling. She doesn’t just treat me this way, but also life-long friends she’s completely abandoned, one because she wouldn’t pay for all the flowers at the wedding (even after she paid for an amazing wedding shower, including flowers), another because she can’t forgive her friend for moving 2 hours away (forgiveness is nearly impossible for her).
Should I go back to insisting on 3rd party help of some kind? I sincerely believe she would be happier with everything for it, but I’m afraid any more attempts to convince her of the benefits of counseling will only scar her idea of outside help of any kind, not to mention our marriage. She does love me, but it feels like she’s willing to do so little to save our marriage, and that makes me feel like I married the wrong person.
My wife refuses to get any third party support. The article is exactly right. The more I try or the nicer I am or the longer I act like there’s nothing wrong, the more I can’t stand our marriage. It makes me very sad but I’m seeing a life coach and starting to learn if my wife doesn’t love me enough to get help in spite of even one red flag (let alone the 5 in the article) then divorce is the only option. It’s hard. I don’t know how long I can go before I am strong enough to make that choice, particularly since I don’t have my wife’s support.
While I appreciate many of Sheila’s posts, I find this one to be quite one sided. Each point begins with “if your husband….” Never once does she address any red flags that might be seen in a wife’s behavior. Though unintended it seems to suggest that all sexual problems in marriage are the husband’s fault. Let’s keep things balanced. Men indeed can bring many issues to the marriage bed. So can women.
Andrew, I just want to stress that this blog is for women. I welcome men coming here, but all my posts are really written for women. If you’re looking for posts for men, I’d suggest that you check out some of the Christian men’s blogs. I certainly don’t mind men coming here, but I am writing for women, since I am a woman, after all!
Shiela- all the more reason to address issues with women. Instead of post where you are encouraging wives to put every action or motive of their husbands under the microscope, how about encouraging wives to look to themselves first. That seems to be the biblical model. While your blog may be intended for women, a sizable percentage of your traffic comes from men. You have to know that you are speaking to both audiences.
Well, here’s the thing, Andrew…most of the time when the subject of a sexless marriage comes up, people always tend to focus on women who withhold sex from their husbands, not the other way around.
Personally I am thankful that Sheila is one of the few who talks about what it is like for women whose husbands withhold sex.
Society often makes it seem like lack of intimacy is a one-sided problem, mostly a wife’s fault, but there are actually many women (like myself) who are hurt by rejection from our husbands.
We often hear the male perspective…now it’s time to hear what women in this situation deal with and how it makes us feel.
Have you ever seen that TV show from the 70’s called “Three’s Company?” One of the characters, Mr. Roper, never wanted to be intimate with his wife.
She would be very affectionate with him but he would act very annoyed and uncomfortable and make excuses.
This was one of the few shows to illustrate that women have needs, too. We aren’t the only ones making excuses about a “headache” or whatever to avoid sex!
I am surprised at the attitude towards Andrew. There have been plenty of other men who have posted on here whom you have responded to. As a woman, I think it’s valuable to get a man’s two cents on this subject since this is an issue we are trying to solve! He should be welcomed, not “re-directed” to mens’ blogs.
Andrew, would you not agree that most men masturbate and that that can bring problems to the sexual relationship?
If they are it is likely because they have been left with little other choice probably. My lovely SO of 31 years now has made it abundantly clear to me when she is not on the mood (read that as NEVER) that I can, and should, take care of it myself.
I don’t think any man goes through the pain, expense, and aggravation of marriage to “take care of it himself”!
Could save ourselves a WHOLE LOAD of pain.
Sorry to hear that. In my situation, I believe that my husband “takes care” of himself all the time and this causes him to have almost no desire at all when it comes to me.
Some men depend way too much on pleasuring themselves, out of habit or necessity, and then they have problems with intimacy.
What if we are down to about twice a month and that only happens because I ask for it? I know you are right whdn you say talking about it doesn’t bring about change, it has bedn this way for at least two years (married for 7). We are in our 40’s. The biggest problem is finding the source of this issue. Our sex life used to be great, and he denies using porn. My only thought is to demand an accountability program to have it proven to me, which will naturally upset him greatly. Or should I seek counseling since he seems to take the “I am fine” approach? I also want to note physical problems have been ruled out.
So no suggestions on how to get to the truth if DH doesn’t confess to any “issues?” 🙁
I am not the author of this blog, but my opinion…He may say “he’s fine” but that doesn’t mean you are. He’s probably masturbating, with or without porn. Or he’s low in testosterone, in which case he wouldn’t even think he needs it. I’ve heard of chastity devices that they have for men, which prevents them from masturbating and makes them more affectionate and attentive to their wife. Personally I would watch his phone, they can access internet from that too, and text.
He may say “he’s fine” but that doesn’t mean he really is. A man needs intimacy with his wife, even if he deprives himself of it for some reason. He is indeed most probably masturbating, but he is most probably not being egoistic, but rather having a problem he has hard time talking about. I think discussions, potentially facilitated by a priest or marriage adviser or couple therapist, are the only way to start his recovery. Chastity devices can be a way to show commitment, or to get through a stressful day or week, but they cannot be a way to start the quitting process, or a long-term solution.
My h refused sex with me for most our 16 year marriage. I looked for answers from all the “experts”. Why? I lookedbinto low testosterone, childhood trauma, i considered his use of porn. In the end, he divorced me. He refused to have sex the last two years we were together. After he left i found out he was having an affair. When i asked why he divorced me, he said, “because i thought you were going to divorce me”. Ibstill dont know why he denied me for all those years, we had sex about 6 to 10 times a year. Its been painful thinking that i was unworthy or undeserving of his affection. Now im trying to heal emotionally from the rejection. Ans i pray continually for his healing.
Hello. I found this article from a link from a link from a link…
I like the flags but have to throw out one exception for computers, phones, and passwords.
I’m working on a project for my wife for Christmas. While I keep the evidence of its existence to a minimum, in order to continue working on it away from the shop, I have a single picture and a single video of the latest progress kept on my phone as well as a directory of notes, progress, bill of materials, etc. on the computer.
She hasn’t asked to see my phone or computer and I think they are hidden enough that they would not easily be found but I would definitely be acting awkward if she were to peruse them.
Cheers
I habe experienced @ least 3 red flags due to my wife’s frigid attitude toward sex. I always suspected something was wrong, but she always blamed it on me. Once she even ruined our anniversary just to make a point of things. For me, ive put a moratorium on sex and tried to remain celebate but it’s a Herculean task. Please Advise me of less laborious options.
Oh, Rodrigo, I’m so sorry. It sounds like your wife has some real intimacy issues. This really isn’t okay. It hurts not just you, but her, too. Can you show her this post? Or insist on going to a counsellor together?
I have been married for nearly 10 years now and all these red flags have been there throughout and a year after our marriage I did find out that my husband was cheating on me and since that time I have caught him a number of times cheating on me. We have gone years without any kind of intimacy and I did find out that all those years he was distant he was frequenting porn stars and prostitutes. All these years he has also been making videos of those acts that has been doing with those women. To me one thing came as a shock and that he had a seperate cell phone to contact all these people and once he forgot the cell phone with the screen opened and he had a profile at a swingers website. For the past two years these red flags were clearly obvious as all he would do was go out after dropping kids to school and would come back home at 2am and kept saying that he is out for a meeting. I clearly knew what kind of meetings those would be as he lost his job two years back and didn’t look for another.
Gina, you are an angel for putting up with that. I know that some people here frown upon divorce because to them it is not “Christian” but you deserve much better.
Your husband has a problem and needs to seek help. And if he doesn’t, you need to walk away. He doesn’t respect you as his wife and mother of his children. I have to wonder why some men choose to marry if they can’t remain faithful or have a healthy sexual relationship with their wives.
There are men out there who are capable of honesty, respect, and the ability to fulfill your needs as a woman.
Omg this has been the most amazing comments section I’ve ever read..
Thank you so much.
Red flags only apply to men? The title of this article was pretty general. Frustrated feminist here.
Hi Mike! No, I don’t think red flags apply only to men, and I’ve written before for men especially about what to do if their wives don’t want sex. But this is primarily a women’s blog, and so I do write primarily to women. I have more and more men reading, and so I am trying to write more for men as well, but this is mostly a female blog, and that’s why the posts are addressed that way!
Wow….some judgmental red flags here. Some of them I could see as “needs further investigation”, but wow some of the others are basically, “If you don’t agree with me on what I perceive as normal sex or seduction, then it’s a red flag”.
No wonder so many couples have trouble discussing sex.
Red flags and sex don’t go together unless you want to refer to them as personal preference, and in that case it shouldn’t be a guideline for others to follow…because well….it’s your preference. What is weird to one, is normal and fine to another.
I’ve been married for 43 years.I never felt safe and I always knew My husband would rather have had a sweet,petite, quiet wife.Early in marriage I felt him masturbating next to me in bed. I caught him with stolen playboy and he always lied to me about where he got them.He told me at 5 years of marriage at a marriage encounter that I embarrass him. Then he told me he would never fight for me. I always knew he’d get crushes on woman and sometimes treat me like why couldn’t I be like them. We owned our own business . I stayed at home to raise the kids.He only ran his business and had nothing to do with our 4 kids. Yet he looked like the perfect Christian man . However he plan didn’t care about me or the kids. At 22 years our oldest Son committed suicide. I was never consoled by my husband or told I was a good Mom. And I was a very good Mom with very good kids. The year before my Sons death I felt my husband completely just tolerate me. I also noticed how much he enjoyed the young Mother and her kids who sat in front of us in church. Sunday after Sunday I begged him to stop but he didn’t. Several years went by and I noticed he couldn’t perform during intercourse but I thought it was because he was getting older. About then he urged me to open a store which I worked 6 days a week for 5 years. Then there were 4 years with no sex, he was distant and mean. I closed my store and went to work 5 days a week somewhere else. Finally while he was gone I found porno on the computer. It turned out that he was coming back into our house after I and our hired people left and enjoyed himself. He would also get home before me, which in all those years he was never home that early. When ever I wasn’t home he was on the net. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that he was this kind of man. I was so DISGUSTED and horrified. I thought only DIRTY OLD MEN did this . . but that was exactly who he was. It took him another 9 months to come for to tell me his secrect life of masturbating, lust and fantasy life that started after we were married. I was so blindsided and naive. He also admited that he thought it was his fault our Son committed suicide because of his sin , but it made no difference in his heart to stop. He admitted to having woman at church or on jobs that he regularly lusted. He told me when he wanted to stop with any particular person, he would say to himself that he didn’t know her, that he didn’t know if she was a nice person so he should stop thinking of her. Wow so why did he need them to be nice, too? Then our two living Sons chose to support him and kick me out of their and my dear Grandchildrens lives. The boys didn’t like my response to all of that and falsely accused me of having mental issues from losing my Son and my twin brother when we were 7. My husband stood by while 3 of my siblings whom were sent by my Sons to “jump” me and take me off to a soul adventure in Arizona so I wouldn’t be at my Grandsons first communion. I try to forgive him, meanwhile I have only my daughter left because the boys kicked me out of their lives and my siblings refuse to apologize. There is nothing wrong with me. I have a lot of faith and the rest are weak. My husband quit and has become a real man and husband, yet he is difficult for me to like. I am in extreme heartache pain. With support from good Christian friends and friends and relatives who know how my siblings are As hard as I work on this, I would be nice to walk away and start a new life with just my daughter. This is all unnecessary . Sometimes I hate him for bringing satan into my family, that I gave everything for.
Hi Shelia
I am going through similar situations with my spouse. When we were dating he was dealing with alcoholism….I stayed and walked with him through it. We are married now and he is a minister. The part that really hurt me was on our wedding night he said I’m not having sex with you.a mmnd has not touched me in 5 years. I am so frustrated because he will not continue you sell g or seek professional j
help when I ask him to. I don’t know what to do and not sure if I want to stay in a marriage like this…even though I love him deeply….please help me
Oh, Jennifer, that is TERRIBLE. Truly awful.
He deceived you. He married you knowing that he wasn’t going to do this, and then he only told you on his wedding night.
That is evil. That is wrong. And he is a minister? He should not be leading others when he does not have his own life under control.
Look at the Old Testament and see the effects that bad leaders have on a country. Him staying in Christian leadership is hurting his congregation, not helping it, and you don’t want to enable that.
You are not required to keep his secrets or to help him save face. You have grounds for annulment, and I think that if you go down that route, and started talking about what your marriage is really like, then he is put in a place where he has to decide whether he is willing to change or not.
I am so sorry for you, because I can imagine your pain. But this isn’t okay. And I don’t know how old you are, either, but if you were planning on having children, then he is taking that away from you, too. You are worth more than that. And what he is doing to you is not real love. I hope that you can get in a Christian environment where you can get some support and some love, and can get the strength to draw some real boundaries. I’m so sorry!
The AMA and web ME says young men can and does experience ED. So just because a young mman cannot stay erect is NOT a red flag. All things are possible. Pray for a healing and an answer from God about your marriages INDIVIDUAL problem.
Although young men CAN get ED, when it happens it’s usually due to psychological issues such as relationship problems, extreme stress, etc. So it’s still a red flag because it means something is wrong in the relationship or he’s going through something psychologically.
“I have never known a marriage where a husband or wife refuses access to their phones who isn’t also either texting inappropriately or watching porn. Never.”
Well, now you have. While I don’t have my phone password protected, I am kind of guarded with it, and she has commented about my reactions when she does have my phone. But that is because I have a lot of bookmarks and downloads for sites like yours and about health and treating t2 diabetes. I don’t consider that inappropriate, but she gets extremely defensive when I bring up either subject.
I have a deal with my husband to have sex every other day and the other day I caught him in a lie about masterbating to porn while I was at work. I’m very angry and hurt by this and he thinks it’s no big deal. You would think having sex with your wife every other day would be fulfilling enough but apparently not. Please I need advice how to handle this.
Hello,
Last few years we on and off with intimacy. He just recently stated out of the blue he likes rough sex and into weird stuff… He hasn’t been happy with work and stuff lately. Which I get. But I feel unworthy and not very “loved,” He says he does and has never cheated on me. He has said his multiple times. Its been like this for a few years now. We have been together for 20 years and last few I feel like he wants to leave. I have never cheated on him. We have a son with disabilities and health issues and his baseline is 4 years old. We never have time for “date night”. I have decided to loose weight and not sink into the whole its me routine. Feeling better about myself and hygine and so on. Would help. I walk 3 times a day. I take care of myself, I learned to cook. I am not sure what more I can do?! And as for the masturbation one. I don’t think that is selfish. Strange that you say that. Unless it is all the time.
First I want to say I enjoy your blog its very interesting and eye opening. Like this one!!!!!
I have a different story about no sex or intimacy! Its not attractive its horrible and dark for some people.
We are in our mid 70’s and I’ve had a hysterectomy about 10 years ago and since have had no interest in sex, in fact I’m glad that’s over.
But it’s not me that has had problems its my husband. Ever since that faith full day we said I do sex and intimacy never happened. He’s not gay does porn or have interest with some one on the side, I checked all that out. He could never get an erection no matter what I did, nor did he ever wake up with one. Now back in the 60’s there was nothing like viagra or anything like that, doctors just told him it was nerves. He was also drafted into the military and was on his way to Viet Nam , the letters he wrote were so depressing and unreal for a country of poor people. Then when he came home he had changed and there was no appreciation for what he or all those other people did nor did they care. To this day he goes to the VA for consoling and medical help. He isn’t harmful to anyone just very closed in, prefers quiet and peaceful surroundings, he won’t sleep with me, he still has dreams he can’t control and it wakes him up sometimes crying. So never having sex or any real intimacy never happened, had no kid’s which I wanted. I don’t know if he ever trusted me but I did show compassion. His shrink said that was all he needed, plus he kind of helped me understand him better. Also he didn’t have to but he helped me out dealing with no intimacy.
The whole point to all this is some issues between a man and a wife can’t be really fixed to a point of normalcy. For me it hasn’t been a fun life and I had many thoughts of leaving, and he probably would never had known or cared. War did strange things to people who were there and left us here in the USA. Its called PTSD and hurts many families in the worst way. My dad even had it he was in WWII with Gen. Patton and Mom had problems with him sometimes, horrible dreams. Maybe I don’t belong in this blog but sometimes it’s what our husbands did before marriage that messes them up. It took me 50 years to kind of figure this out, and I’m not positive I understand it all yet.
“refuses access to their phones who isn’t also either texting inappropriately or watching porn. Never.”
I’m the first then, I’m a married man and I’m not texting inappropriately, watching porn or anything else as a reason I don’t want my phone to be looked at. Ever. It’s my phone, it’s private and I have nothing to hide, yet it’s mine (like a diary is private). I also don’t want somebody to watch me pooping, it’s very similar “privacy” to me.