Hormones. Ick. They get blamed for so much–they’re like our own little personal punching bag. And it’s easy to think that all the jokes about hormones and libido are just exaggerations.
But today I thought we’d start a fun 3-day series to look at how hormones really do affect libido, arousal, and everything in between, because I think if we understood that better, we’d have better sex lives.
I know sometimes we’ll be making love and it just won’t be working for me. My mind will wander more than usual; I can’t get aroused; and no matter how hard I try nothing seems to happen. Then other nights it’s super easy! And on those difficult nights I often go through some self-loathing and dangerous introspection: am I too stressed? Too busy? Is something wrong with me? Am I getting too old?
When if I just looked at a calendar it would all make sense!
So here we go: 10 ways that hormones play havoc with your libido:
1. Hormones can make your libido peak and plummet throughout the month
Here’s how your cycle works: Day 1 will be the first day of your period. Usually around Day 14 you ovulate (release an egg). Then two weeks later, on Day 28, your period starts. Now, most people aren’t regular 28 days, like clockwork, but that’s it in a nutshell.
Progesterone makes your libido lower. And when does your body produce progesterone? During the luteal phase of your cycle, which starts on ovulation day and goes until seven days before your period starts. On the other hand, the seven days before your period your hormones all churn up which cause some of us to feel in the mood again. Then right before ovulation you also get a burst that makes arousal easier.
So, in general, we’re raring to go on days 24-27, and then again from Days 6-14, with major peaks around Days 11-14.
But on Day 20 you’re likely wondering what all the fuss is about.
2. It’s Testosterone that boosts our libido
Just like men, we also produce testosterone, and it’s testosterone that makes us want to jump him!
Testosterone starts rising a few days before your period, and peaks at ovulation day.
3. Right before your period hormones may make you moody–but still “in the mood”!
It’s a misnomer that right before our periods we’re not in the mood at all. Some women (especially those with bad PMS) are like that, but many of us are actually easily aroused–we’re just also sad.
And that’s the kicker.
Estrogen, pregosterone, and testosterone tend to be lower and we get “the blues”. This is the time of your month to pamper yourself with chocolate or a bubble bath to boost those serotonin levels and make us “happier”. But many of us start to be raring to go, even if we’re stomping around the house at the same time.
Here’s how all three of these points work together (with thanks here for the idea–he has lots of tips for husbands on dealing with this):
4. Lubrication is often hardest right before your period
Even if you’re one of those women who might be “in the mood” before your period, lubrication is often hardest during these few days. So if you don’t get “wet”, don’t assume that you’re not aroused or not into it. It could just be hormones! Pull out some lubricant and have fun!
5. Orgasm is often hardest right after ovulation
When you make love during the luteal phase (right after ovulation; the red part up above), you may find it hard to achieve orgasm.
So if you and your husband are really working on helping you to reach orgasm during intercourse, and it’s been a struggle, use these days just to have fun and explore with no pressure, or it could just be an added stress!
And if you usually do achieve orgasm, but don’t during these days, don’t think there’s something wrong with you–or your relationship! It’s likely just your cycle.
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6. Feeling powerful can overcome some of the hormone blues
During the luteal phase (the red part), it’s harder to get aroused, harder to achieve orgasm, and harder to feel in the mood in general.
Plus you’ve often got anger issues kicking around!
So what do you do? Don’t forego sex altogether–that’s a long time for a guy to wait. Just maybe take those days as the days where you feel powerful! Initiate sex but then play “let me see how fast I can bring him to climax!”, or “let’s hear it for the quickie!”
If you feel powerful and see how much you can turn him on, this can counteract some of those blues and get you ready for the next phase that’s coming!
Of course, with a little more time to relax first and a little more attention paid to how she feels, sex can still be fun during this phase. But if it’s not, trying to make her turned on can just make her angry. Figure out how you usually react in this week, and then decide, “will we tend to keep it slow and pay more attention”, or “will this be the time for me to just be powerful”?
7. Hormones may make you”in the mood” during your period
A lot of women wonder, “is there something wrong with me if I’m hot and bothered during my period”? Nope. It’s just hormones!
About 20% of women still continue sexual activity during their period, while 80% do not. Much depends on the level of flow, cramping, arousal, etc.
Personally, I don’t think any woman should feel as if she has to do anything sexual during those days, because sex should be mutual. But if you’re someone who wants to, and your husband agrees, it’s really between the two of you!
8. The Pill can cause your libido to crater by messing with your hormones
I’m going to write a longer post on this in the not-too-distant future, but many women find that The Pill kills your libido because it gets rid of those “peaks” in arousal and replaces them all with “troughs”. Here’s part of an email a reader recently sent to me:
I’ve been married for 21 years now. From the time we got married I could never experience orgasm and for probably 10 years I often was left feeling frustrated and upset. It made sex really difficult and for many years it became infrequent because it was just upsetting for both of us. It was not for lack of trying to fix the issue or because my husband was particularly inattentive it just didn’t happen. It was really the most awful thing.
When we had children after 8 years of marriage I changed contraceptive from the pill to Implanon which was a new thing on the market and super easy to use… After child #1 I really had absolutely no desire at all for sex. I put it down to having a new baby and being tired etc. I honestly felt that if I never had sex again in my life I really couldn’t have cared less. After about a year we decided to try for child #2 and I had the Implanon removed. It sounds crazy but within a week, I kid you not!!!, I suddenly felt like a depression had lifted off me and I seriously wanted to have sex all the time. I experienced my first orgasm not long after and 10 years down the track have not looked back. I honestly believe that the effect of contraception made all the difference.
I experienced something very similar to this reader. I also was really, really moody on the Pill. I’ll write more about it later, but I wanted you all to be aware that if your libido is low, it may be your contraception method.
9. For some, menopause kills libido
When you hit menopause, for many women libido plummets and almost disappears. I’ve heard some women tell me, “it’s almost as if I lost all feeling from the waist down.”
If you’re going through this, please talk to your doctor. There are hormone replacements available, some very natural, that can help. And if the first thing you try doesn’t work, keep trying something else! We’re all made differently, and this is too important a part of your life to lose.
10. For others, menopause boosts libido
Here’s the good news, though: other women have told me that menopause was the best thing that ever happened to them! We don’t all react the same way, so if you’re in your forties, don’t panic!
One thing that does happen regardless of your arousal, though, is that lubrication because more difficult. That’s okay! Buy some lubricant and have fun!
So there you go–how hormones affect our libido and our arousal levels throughout the month. Tomorrow I’ll be talking more about lubrication, and on Thursday we’ll look at how to keep track of our hormones, so we’re not thrown through a loop when grumpiness (or lack of lubrication) suddenly descends!
More posts in this series:
What about hormones when you’re breastfeeding/pregnant/menopause?
How to Track your Hormones (and your Libido)
I’d love to know: have you noticed your arousal levels changing over the course of the month? Have you ever experienced any of these hormonal issues? Let us know in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thanks for this, Sheila! I’ve definitely noticed that my sex drive fluctuates with my cycle. Pregnancy and postpartum also brings its own set of changes; wondering how the hormones fluctuate then too. Looking forward to the rest of this series!
That’s a great point! I should write about that, too. I’ve just got to figure out when to fit it in…but it’s totally important!
Please do, Sheila! I know you’ve touched on it in the past but I would love to hear more. The go-to postpartum advice is “Just use lots of lube!” But what if that’s just not helping anything? Is exclusively breastfeeding in the red zone on this chart–hormonally speaking? I assume so, because I have had probably less than 10 orgasms since my daughter was born (11 months ago) despite having no troubles reaching climax at all beforr this.
But this makes so much sense! The other day I finally ovulated again (only my 3rd postpartum cycle) and it was just like old times! No problems finishing at all. This makes me feel so relieved to know this info about postpartum hormones, because it’s been a pretty depressing year when it comes to our sex life. Hubby says he understands that it’s not him, but he also confesses that it just isn’t as fun when I can’t finish too. No pressure or anything! Ha.
But I suppose it’s been good for us because we have had to really learn how sex is more than physical, aiming more for pleasure and intimacy than orgasm, because otherwise we are both left frustrated when I can hardly get aroused, let alone finish. I just need the reassurance right now that this is temporary and will most likely go back to normal as my daughter nurses less and my cycles regulate again…
I’d love to hear more about this too, especially if there were difficulties to begin with. I’ve been having zero success at overcoming vaginismus for the duration of my marriage, and since I got pregnant, sex has been even harder. He’s been really great about not pressuring me since I’ve also been fighting nausea the entire time (and I’m in the third trimester now), and I’ve been making a point to give it a shot every time he asks, but I am absolutely terrified that labor pain and breastfeeding and fatigue is going to turn this into a permanent problem.
One of our biggest regrets is that I spent the first 5 years of our marriage on the Pill. I had absolutely no interest in sex. For 5 years! The years when you’re supposed to be insatiable, my husband was begging me for sex every couple weeks. Once I went off, I suddenly desired him. I would recommend every newly married couple use a barrier method of contraception rather than a hormone if they don’t want to get pregnant right away. Combined with Natural Family Planning, couples can have a wonderful way to know each other more deeply.
Thanks for sharing, J! That’s so important for couples to know. I wish I had known that, too. And I’ve heard similar comments to yours from so many women!
100% AGREE!!!! How ironic that the very thing used to improve your sex life completely kills your desire for it in the first place, right?
I’m a midwife, you’d think I would remember all this, but not when it applies to myself. Encounters will go terrible with some pretty hurt feelings on both side, and then the next morning I’ll look on my phone (I have a period tracker app) and it’s “duh! you ovulated yesterday! What were you thinking???”. But when I do pay attention to my cycle it makes planning a special night guaranteed to go well 😉 Also, having a written log has really helped my husband too. He can just scan it and not ask the question that will get his head bit off; “are you about to start your period?”. Poor guy, lol.
Oh, that made me laugh! And I so relate to the hurt feelings on both sides. Why don’t we just GET IT? 🙂 Love those apps, too.
I had the *exact* same experience with Implanon! It was a big game changer once I got off it after a year or so. Of course, I then got pregnant a couple more times in quick succession, which added a whole new slew of hormones to the equation… but at least I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel!
I have realized my drive & lubrication is very affected by hormones. I keep track of it mentally but I don’t really need to because my body “shows” where I am in the cycle so obviously. It really is a dramatic swing for me & is kind of annoying, especially the swing down where I mentally want to have sex and be close to hubby but nothing is happening with my body.
I have absolutely had this experience. I have been pregnant twice in the last two years (breastfeeding changes your cycle!! Just because you know when you ovulated before doesn’t mean it will happen the same this time, better to use the barrier method than not hah!) and pregnancy does numbers on my libido. Now I have a 4 week old and I’m dying to get back into it again! I remember from the first pregnancy that very shortly after my baby was born I realized I had been missing out on so much (even though I was able to climax it wasn’t the same and I never felt aroused ahead of time). The first time after it was like 9 months worth all in one haha!! I am excited about not being pregnant for a little while and enjoying time with hubby again (but this is why we got pregnant second time so fast again lol so we have decided we are just ALWAYS using a barrier until we are okay with having another little one 😉 ).
I completely agree with this. Any time I’ve ever been on contraception, my libido is so low, there’s hardly any point being on it. It made our start to marriage really tough, and sent me into quite a depressive state. Once I came off contraception, I definitely noticed the ups and downs with the hormones – but it was wonderful, because I was finally having ‘ups’! I’m pregnant with #3, and we are fortunate to be able to conceive easily, but with difficult pregnancies it makes things a little scary. We’ve trusted God with it, and so far #3 has been relatively easy in comparison to 1 & 2, so I’m just praying that I make it though without too many complications.
While I completely agree that hormonal contraceptives can effect you libido, I find it odd that natural family planning is touted as the solution. The times when I am most interested in intercourse is when I know I am fertile! Barrier methods are excellent for some people, but constant irritation from spermicide is no joke either. It is important for all women to reevaluate their family planning every so often as your body, relationship and priorities do change. No matter what method you choose though, learning about your menstrual cycle and what changes you see in your body will help you take better charge of your health.
While I have noticed some dip in my libido with the pill, it is worth it for me to control the pain of endometriosis (and the horrible hassle of 21 day cycles). I had to switch from on brand which caused excessive dryness, but am now using one which (while it can take some effort) allows me to enjoy frequent sex with my husband. If a hormonal option is best for you, remember that there are many many formulations and a good Gyn should work with you on that.
I agree with you that the pill isn’t all bad. Not that I don’t have sexual issues, but I don’t think they are related to the pill. I was off of it twice when trying to get pregnant and then during pregnancy and did not notice any changes in mood or libido. I also agree with you that for me the advantages outweighed any negatives. Though for me it wasn’t pain, I just feel more comfortable being in control. While hubby and I understand that any sex, even protected, can lead to a baby and we would welcome any surprises God sent us, I just prefer feeling somewhat in control. You know as opposed to a panicky feeling of not protecting properly. But it really is everybody’s choice and like you say good communication with your doctor is key.
Yes please to postpartum and pregnancy tips! This month will be 5 years since we conceived our first And during these 5 years, I’ve only had maybe 4 or 5 cycles and only 2 or 3 of those included ovulation, which blessed us with more children! So when you’re always pregnant or nursing, there is no calendar reference. Aside from maybe a boost during the 2nd trimester, there’s no road map for those nursing for years! 🙂 Still, I know love and learning can take place during this time of life! Things have improved with time and knowledge (especially tips I’ve gleaned from your blog )
I’m not complaining, but the reality is that I doubt I’ll have regular cycles during my childbearing years!
Any info on hormones during pregnancy when I don’t have a cycle? In the first trimester, I have zero interest. I am hoping libido will pick up again in the second trimester…?!
It usually does, R.! Once you’re not so nauseous and tired, and before you get too big, many women find that libido is a lot higher! I hope you experience that.
Absolutely! Second trimester was the best sex ever!
Sheila, how do you have the conversation with your husband about possibly need lubricant, especially during the “no go” zone? He thinks it means that he’s not enough and I just don’t “want” him? It’s frustrating to understand it as a woman that hormones affect all this…but how do you get a man to understand it and he not take as an assault on his ego?
Give him a textbook to read? It’s not like this stuff is a secret. Or that your the only woman on earth that experiences it. That’s just the way God made us. Maybe it will help him when he sees it written down in like, every biology book that deals with human reproduction.
I absolutely LOVE this post! I’ve done some research on how to determine when I am ovulating, about to start my period etc (since u did mention that there is no set in stone number of days that is for every woman). I wish I had known some of the info when trying to get pregnant with our first daughter. It was hit and miss (mostly miss lol) bc i had no clue how to read MY body and went by the typical 28 days bc i didnt know otherwise. And anytime i went over 28 and didnt get my period (i would start on day 29 or 30 sometimes) i thought i was pregnant and was sooo disappointed to get a negative test and to get my period a day or two later. After having our first daughter, i had a friend recommend a book (Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH 10th Edition) to help me the next we wanted to get pregnant. I’ve never liked the idea of hormonal birth control so it immediately peaked my interest. I was just passed the first chapter and already learned so much that i wish i knew as a teenager! It explained so much about different things going on that i was either confused about or hadnt even thought to consider. So i read this book and the author thoroughly explained how every women can read HER individual body EACH month!! It’s soo cool! I will definitely be having each of my daughters reading this (with my constant supervision of course bc there is some material not exactly suited for unmarried women in there) once they get their first period/are old enough to have gotten their first period. I have no affiliation with it other than a satisfied customer! I highly recommend it to any woman! I think your post plus this book would be any woman’s dream come true, to really understand how her body works and why she feels how she does! Oh! And I am now 25 weeks with our second. And we werent even trying! The best part (since we werent trying) is that it wasnt a surprise. Literally as soon as things happened I told my husband “I’m pretty sure we are pregnant” then i had to wait 3 weeks to get a positive test! Lol. Anyway here is the link!
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Fertility-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0060881909
I love Taking Charge of Your Fertility! Such a helpful book. Thank you for recommending it!
I have PCOS and it affects my hormones. Any advice for that?
This question has nothing to do with the topic, well sort of. During the red zone times, typically about 2-3 days before my cycle, I am dead-to-the-world tired. I am 49. Is this just me?
Sorry, not red zone, orange zone.
Nope! It’s pretty normal. And as we get into perimenopause it becomes even more so. Also, if your periods are really heavy that could also be causing it. If so, you may want to make sure you don’t have any fibroids that are causing you to bleed more than you should. I had them taken care of myself–and now I have a new lease on life!
I don’t have a sex life and I’ve never charted my cycles and I’ve noticed this stuff. My mood swings seem to be getting worse as I get older. Or it could just be the unreasonable amount off stress I’ve been under.
How do I track my period when it is irregular (sometimes I go two months without getting one and then the third month I have both a heavy and a light period) and all over the place? Sometimes it comes at the start of the month, sometimes in the middle of the month, sometimes at the end of the month. How do you track something that crazy?
My libido has never been at “peak”. I was premicuous before marriage and never “had to have it” then. Then I got married to the most amazing guy and now its even harder. My ob said it wasn’t hormones and gave me cream which didn’t help either. I’m pregnant now with our first child and sex is uncomfortably painful. I can’t imagine after having the baby it getting any better with the stress a new baby brings. I’m worried this will come in between me and my husband. It doesn’t help that my OB is a male doctor either. Can someone help???
Can someone comment on differing flows or other symptoms depending on which side the egg is coming down? Just recently I noticed that my flow is heavier approximately every second time and my whole right side is very cramped (stomach, back, even down my leg to my calf). This is around day 21-28. I get a strong shooting pain inside when having vaginal sex in any position! This time around it’s so bad I have to stop in the middle of it.
Hi, I am one of those 40 somethings that’s heading into the stage of life where reproduction wants to shut down. I am married to a wonderfully kind man who never blames me for problems I might have. But help, there are days when we can have a wildly fantastic time making love and then bam the next time I am dead from the neck down. Any touching is like, please not there! Getting in the game means gritting my teeth while he touches me and trying desperately to focus on the fact that at least it doesn’t hurt this time. Or on trying to make it more fun for him by squeezing those muscles. Sometimes it starts out feeling fantastic, mind blowingly wonderful and then the feeling disappears, I’ve no idea why. I beg him to start trying to turn me on earlier in the day but he says he doesn’t remember to. I can’t figure that one out because I am constantly trying to come up with ways to be turned on and I am a woman. We have thee older sons at home so we can’t get into too heavy of necking anyways, at least not when they’re around.
Finally I said that we could schedule sex in. that way he’d be sure to get it even when I have no initiative. By the way I have initiated sex lots and still couldn’t get anything to happen down below. That is very disheartening. Anyways, scheduling it in works for him, but still leaves me cold, no matter how much I plan. How do I get my libido back? I asked my doctor and she just laughed and asked me how old I was. Don’t suggest I get another one. In Canada we are lucky to have a doctor at all. Usually marriage columnist just say do it anyways and I do. But I want the fun back.
Your website has been so eye opening to me after 7 yrs of marriage… I didn’t have a sex life pre marriage so the past 7 years have been all iv known and I feel like I’m leArning all these new things. I’m currently 3 months prego… How do pregnancy hormones affect libido? Thanks!
OMG…yes! My hormones get all of whack during my cycle…sometimes super horny, other times, not at all. Totally depends on the time of the month.
Hi there… I have a question! I’m 33 years old, and suddenly my sexdrive had become WAY bigger than it had been. Like ever. I was wandering of this is also because of hormonal changes or is it something mental?