A reader recently wrote me:
I just had a baby 8 weeks ago, and we’ve been married for two years. My husband was a new Christian at the time and a former drug addict. He is now in ministry, playing drums on the worship team, leading a Bible study at a local nursing home, street preaching, traveling around the Midwest rapping in concerts at churches, giving people rides (“Saint shuffling,” I had a friend call it), and helping with anything else our pastor needs help like building projects. On top of that, he has a job. We only have one night a week that he doesn’t have to rush off an hour after he gets home.
I feel like he’s married more to “his ministry,” than he is to me. The majority of the responsibility of taking care of the baby falls on me, so time is very precious to me. I’m often exhausted and don’t want to go to all of these activities. That makes my husband very mad, especially when the baby and I have had a bad night, and I won’t go to church in the morning… or evening. We have two services on Sunday, and one on Wednesday.
Yesterday our church did a concert on the lawn of a youth center in a bad neighborhood. I decided to go ahead and go. We were doing okay during the outreach part where we go door to door in the neighborhoods and invite people to the concert. I had an issue where I couldn’t set up the stroller by myself while holding the baby, and she was starting to fuss with all the noise of the concert. I had to hold her, while standing (all the seats were gone) for the whole concert and my back was hurting. I called and texted my husband–it went straight to voicemail. A friend let him know I needed help, but he said he had to stay at the front to pray with those who became Christians.
On the way home I was upset, but he said, “Well, I do love you, but souls were saved. That’s all that matters.” His words sliced right through my heart. I still haven’t gotten much sleep and when I wouldn’t go to church this morning he told me I’m making “poor choices that will affect our daughter some day.” I want to go home (four hours away in another state) to my parents, but our pastor told me I need to stop doing that and lean on my husband or it’ll destroy our marriage. I want to lean on my husband but how can I? He’s rarely home and the few hours he is, he either refuses to help, or will only take her for a half an hour as long as it doesn’t interfere with either his Bible studying, song writing or whatever else he “needs” to do. I feel trapped. What do you do when ministry comes above you and your family?
I feel so sad for this woman. She sounds just exhausted–with an 8-week old baby to boot! I remember that feeling. Katie, my youngest, didn’t sleep. Seriously. Only 9 1/2 hours over an entire 24 hour period (including naps). And yet when she was awake she was happy! She just didn’t need sleep. She sleeps more now than she did then. I felt like I was going crazy; for about 6 months I was just beside myself. And Keith was working hard and studying for his pediatric exams, so he just wasn’t there for me (he couldn’t have been). It’s a hard time.
But it does pass, please know that!
But my heart also aches for this woman, too, because I’ve seen this scenario play out in so many relationships–especially ones with new Christians. They were often addictive personalities to begin with, so they replaced a chemical addiction with a “God” addiction–they need to keep super busy and obsessed to feel healthy.
And here’s where things get fuzzy.
I do believe that some people are called to a specific ministry that means that their wives (or husbands or kids) will have to shoulder a burden alone.
I think of Billy Graham, whose wife Ruth talked and wrote about how she felt like she parented alone. Yet look at the ministry that God gave Billy Graham. I think of Ben Carson, the pediatric neurosurgeon who writes poignantly in his autobiography about how he missed his kids’ events and how his marriage suffered because his work was so busy. But look at the lives saved.
Sometimes God does call individuals to a life where their family will be a sacrifice. After all, someone needs to be president. Someone needs to make research breakthroughs. Someone needs to be a traveling evangelist. And these things can’t be done on a normal 40-hour work week. If your husband may fall into one of these categories, then pray hard, knowing that if God has called your husband, He will also equip you, just like He did Ruth Graham. He’ll give you energy when you feel depleted. He’ll lift you up if you feed on Scripture and make your life a living prayer.
But I think these kinds of callings are very few and far between.
When God calls you to a ministry where your family will suffer, I think there are two main tests:
1. Does he also call your spouse?
2. Is it to a specific work?
I think if God is calling you to something that will require so much time away from the family, he also gives a peace to the spouse that they feel called, too.
And that calling is for something specific–international evangelism, pediatric neurosurgery breakthroughs–not to just “ministry” in general, like in this letter. It’s not about being busy; it’s about being called to a specific work.
A Note to Wives Who Feel Like Ministry Has Stolen Their Husbands…
Usually I’d recommend talking to a pastor, but in this case it may not work, first because your husband may very well be the pastor, and second, because in many cases, like this one, the pastor is benefiting from the husband being sold out to ministry.
So get on your face and seriously pray for your husband and for your family. Ask for help from friends when you’re overwhelmed with being a mom.
And read The Emotionally Healthy Woman, one of our selections for our Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge in March. Written by Geri Scazzero, whose husband was a super-busy pastor, she knows what it’s like to feel like a ministry widow. And she learned that she had to start quitting some things if she, and her family, were going to be healthy.
She thought that as a pastor’s wife she had to sacrifice herself and all her time and energy, too. But eventually she realized that wasn’t actually godly, and she made some changes in her own life that ended up changing her family for the better.
Together, she and her husband Peter also wrote The Emotionally Healthy Church, looking at how churches can stop over-burdening people and start building them up.
A Note to Wives Who are Too Into Ministry
But let’s not pretend that this is only a male problem. I have seen women get too busy with homeschooling, and running ministries at church, and volunteering. We can let “good works” stand in the way of our marriages. And when we do that, it’s easy to feel superior, like our husbands somehow aren’t as spiritual. One of my friends was so over involved at church and with homeschooling groups that she grew apart from her husband, and later divorced him because he wasn’t a strong enough Christian.
If you don’t have time just to hang out with your hubby and do nothing, you have serious issues. Jesus took time to Himself. We all need balance.
A Note to Pastors
Your church will not thrive if the marriages in it are hanging by a thread. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to tell some of your volunteers, “You’ve done enough. Go home.”
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I do feel for this woman. She feels like she is losing her husband to ministry. But she could also had been losing him to work or to drugs or to anything else that takes him away from her. I really do feel for her but she does sound a bit selfish but so does he. I do apologize if I step over the line here. I serve as a 3rd year deacon at church, plus I run the video computer at church each Sunday. But there is always someone that can take my place on Sundays if I want time off.
I think you have to balance ministry with time for your spouse. Maybe excuse yourself from some of the ministry activities that the church has to spend more time. We had deacons in our church that had to step down because it was taking up so much of their time that their wives was getting upset.
We are called to love our wives as Christ loves the church, but we are also called to make disciples of all nations. So its a fine line to be drawn. I think if you want to dedicate your life to ministry that’s fine, after all the apostles did leave everything behind. JS. But if you want to balance ministry and marriage then you should give your family the same amount of time as ministry. But do remember this, if you do ministry for selfish reasons then you might as well not do it at all.
Excuse me!? She’s being selfish? It’s such a typical Christian thing to do when someone expresses a need to shame them with guilt. She’s not selfish. She’s married, but no husband in her every day life. The Bible states a man is to cleave to his wife. That implies a relationship. Her husband has abandoned her, the baby and the marriage. He does have a mistress in his ‘ministry’, the spiritual natural of what he’s doing makes it appear holy and important. It isn’t, not if his wife is abandoned. He has an addictive personality and is high on his faith and service. He should be serving his wife and child! He made those commitments first!! I know how this young woman feels, hubby and I were missionaries for 9 years. Our marriage never really bonded, he was too busy. I was the last thing on his list. There is no excuse for this. Don’t forget pride is a problem in ministry, the good feelings of doing something for God is powerful, combine that with praise from others and elevated position as a minister a a person becomes blinded by the ‘glory’. He needs to minister to his wife and child. The wife is NOT being selfish.
CathyC, your pain and feelings of rejection are obvious in your words, but really, a “typical Christian thing to do is to shame them with guilt”? You are being awfully judgemental. Not only does your response alienate you from those that might support you, it actually does not support those that have been side-lined by their spouse’s ministry.
I stand with CathyC. She is absolutely right.
If you don’t mind me jumping in, I think we’re bickering over semantics and choices of words without actually disagreeing with one another. I think we’d all agree that the husband in this case is being irresponsible and ignoring his wife, and the wife has every reason to want her husband back with her–and that the pastor should be encouraging the husband to ease up on ministry and fulfill his obligations to his family.
The problem comes when with the word “typical”. I think Cathy was stating something that she has felt an experienced from Christian circles–the demand that ministry concerns take precedence over everything else, and that if people consider their own needs and legitimate feelings that this is somehow “selfish”.
Sylvia obviously agrees.
Where Mrs. Mac comes in is with the choice of the word “typical”. It says that this is the USUAL Christian response.
Here’s my take: I think you’re both right. I think that there are circles–and I’ve been part of them–where wanting to have your feelings recognized would be considered selfish. This is typical.
But it’s not typical of the Christian church as a whole. It’s common, but not typical.
So let’s say this: Certain subcultures that identify as Christian actually are very UNChristian with the way they approach grace and family and ministry. They stress work over relationship, and it’s harmful.
But that is not what Jesus preaches, and Christian communities that follow Jesus do not act that way.
Nevertheless, far too many of us have been wounded by communities like that, and it has tainted our view of the church. And for that, I am truly sorry.
I agree totally! Beautifully said I’m so sorry these women are hurting God would want them these men to put their families first only after God career and then serving. If your job is to serve it still comes after your family
CathyC
Beautifully spoken! Thank you!
I understand how she feels. My whole marriage is based on the church. The church comes first. He spends no time with me. He neglects his home responsibilities. In if I try to say anything about church he goes into a rage.
How do you cope and keep sane?
As the wife of a pastor and the daughter of one also, I’ve seen a lot of this. One thing that wasn’t mentioned is how this example plays out on the children. I’ve heard clergy kids comment that Dad (or Mom) never had time for them as they were always busy with “God stuff”. I don’t believe that God wants children to feel that they have to compete with Him for the attention of their parents! There is also a pretty high rate of children of clergy who reject the church, or the church of their parents because of this. Surely saving the souls of your own family should be on the list! Kids don’t become Christian by osmosis.
I do agree that someone often does have to shoulder a lot of the burden, but the marriage covenant should always be remembered and the contract honoured. There should be discussions of boundaries and time set aside to nurture the family. The man described here is very selfish. Imagine how the converts would react to this selfish behaviour – would do anything for them, but can’t help his wife in distress. A natural display of concern would be so much more appropriate.
I am married to a pastor congregation calls 24/7 anytime anyone has a problem it can be a serious strain. For me a young girl 24 recently stood up in church and said God told me pastor is my husband. This is my husband of 23 years I was horrified. I could not even reply. I stopped going to church but husband still goes whether there together or not I don’t know but ministry has sure been very pain full experience for me
Sheila,
I agree with you about these “callings” (that sacrifice the family for the ministry) are (or should be?) few and far between. I would have a lot of questions of the husband, the wife, and the pastor in this situation, if I was there. I think you’re right that the husband has replaced one addiction with another. Granted, “ministry” is a lot better than drugs (!) but what he’s doing is still not healthy for his family. Why is it all HER decisions that he thinks are going to negatively affect their daughter? He came out of a troubled past (and she married him as a new Christian, knowing that, so she may have also???) and I kind of wonder if he’s trying to “make up” for his early life by doing lots of ministry/good works now, but that’s just speculation. Still, a former pastor used to say, “Converts in ministry create activity; disciples in ministry bear fruit.” Could it be that he’s jumped right into ministry before he’s had some time to mature himself, as a Christian? Certainly we should ALL be helping in some way. “Shuffling the saints”, for instance, doesn’t require years of theology 😀 But when I see her mention things like street preaching, and leading a Bible study, I kind of wonder if he’s rushing (or being rushed) into ministry he may not be ready for.
It doesn’t sound like the pastor in this situation is going to be very helpful, since he doesn’t want to lose the man’s help. (I wonder how HIS wife is managing?) But it’s not a good, sustainable situation if the pastor is allowing people to “serve” in such a way that it’s burning out their families. To look at it another way, my parents are doing well financially, and are very generous. They go to a country church that has a lot of needs. It’s tempting for them to kind of be the church’s “sugar daddy”. (And they ARE very generous!) But it wouldn’t be healthy for the church as a whole to always be depending on them to solve problems. It’s the same way with volunteers in ministry – it’s not healthy for the body for the same people to do All The Things.
Now, the other side of this is that the first three months of parenting are flat out EXHAUSTING. They’ve been married for two years – has he been this way the whole time? Has it built up slowly? Was she fine with it before? Ideally, he would’ve anticipated a change in the family dynamics and scaled back after the birth – especially for the first three months or so! Does she have friends in her church that could help her out? Does she have anyone that’s kind of a “mentor mom” – an older, more mature woman she could talk this over with? While the pastor is right that if she has a pattern of running home to her parents, that won’t ultimately help their marriage, BUT… maybe she could go home for a visit for a couple weeks, get some help with the baby, and come home rested and refreshed.
It’s hard to get the big picture without really being there and knowing the people. Hope she gets some help 😀
Julie
This man’s FIRST ministry is his wife. Once we marry, our spouse IS the first ministry. The only thing that is supposed to be more important is our own personal relationship with God. I believe you’ll find some study-worthy material on this in 1 Corinthians 7:32-34.
I don’t believe this wife is being selfish by stating the facts. She’s a brand new mom who needs help! I have 6 kids, and I remember well the days when my poor wife could barely move because she was so exhausted.
I too, am in ministry… Was our church’s sound tech from 1998 to 2000, then became the electric guitarist in 2000, and finally took over total management of the team, music and worship leading in 2005. I certainly don’t always do it perfectly, but my wife KNOWS beyond any doubts that if she needs my help, I will do what it takes to give it to her – even setting aside those duties, and calling upon someone else to take them over for a week or two. I have monthly leadership team meetings to attend (one Monday per month), and our church is involved in many external events… some of which I’ll participate in, and others I choose not to. Not because they aren’t worthy events, but because my family means enough to me that I will put them first. Matt B alluded to “balance” between family and ministry. Yes I agree, but my family should always get more of me than the ministry.
I am thankful that I have a senior pastor who understands the value of ministry AND family. If I don’t voluntarily take a week off from worship leading now and then to worship with my family at my side, he will volunteer it FOR ME.
I will pray for both sides of this particular marriage… for her, that she will find strength when her husband fails her, and that he would figure out that his wife needs him. There was a good reason for Deuteronomy 24:5 to be written into the Bible…
“When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken.”
The reason for this policy was to allow the newly marrieds to establish HABITS between them that would last a lifetime. This was their bonding time before “life” kicked in, and the other aspects of ministry were added into the mix. I think it was a darn good one, and I wish we could do it in our modern day. Many marriages might last a whole lot longer!
Well said Jason!
As a Pastor’s wife and a pastor’s child, as well as being in ministries of my own – this is a slippery slope. God is not honoured in a home where the relationships are strained to the point of resentment. Priorities need to be set, and then other taught to respect them. At the same time, commitments must be met, and the family must respect those. But it only works when everything stays in balance with everything else.
Yes, when leading a given event – it is important to be able to fully focus on those who need you at the moment, but when that event is over, time is needed with the family again. My dad, a solo pastor for his entire 40+year ministry, modeled this beautifully. If we had a family event scheduled, and a funeral or other emergency came up – we knew that someone needed him at that moment more than we did. BUT, at the first opportunity, I would be pulled out of school, and we would do something even better. We, including my mom, new that we were the priority in his life, not the church at large.
I might commend the book Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs, both for the wife and husband in this case. He’s a new edition for the family that might also be helpful for some resetting of priorities.
We can all name children of well-known, hardworking fathers who grew up to proclaim their homosexuality. The media never put it together, of course: The neglectful (perhaps resentful) father’s children aren’t taught how to relate to males.
What good is a father’s ministry or career when it costs his children their emotional health?
Michael, men has throughout the ages done more physical work, working the fields, sowing, plowing, whatever, and often the children was made to help it. You didn’t see many cases of homosexuality back then if you want to go that route, because children was raised to respect their parents, they were raised with going to church, learning reading, writing and arithmetic and not all the garbage that they will never have use for that they have to learn now. They were brought up in a time where you worked hard for what you have and nothing was for free except salvation to those who believe. People did appreciate the simple things and people did help each other and didn’t expect a government hand out.
Naturally someone will probably take my words the wrong way but so be it. IMHO if you are raised with a single parent who is a mom the child will grow up to be more feminine, the same thing if the parent is a man the child will be more masculine. That’s why the core family is so important that boys learn to identify with the father and the daughter with the mother.
Like I said in my previous post, there should be a balance between family and ministry. But as Jason said and I tend to agree with him. If your family suffers then you need to step back and spend more time with your family. The Lord’s work IS important but so is your family.
The homosexuality is off topic, but as long as the theory has been broached…
From my personal observation, males who become gay have been let down by their fathers or other important men in some way. Not only by abandonment, divorce, or neglect, but also in the way they represent the proper way to treat women. I think they are striving after the approval and emotional security of another man.
One person I knew before and after their manifestation of gay behavior commented to me that he didn’t like the way his father treated his mother. You know what? I’m not sure that I ever met his mother, but his father was always there doing things with him. I also remember years ago hearing a guy being interviewed on TV about his becoming gay. He said he remembered other boys talking in a vulgar manner about girls and he felt humiliated, like they were talking about him.
From they way they talked, I could see that they both felt a connection to the women who were not being treated nicely and that that gave them an aversion to men – and also the need for their approval. They have an aversion to being “manly” because they don’t like what that represents to them, and they also identify with the women, and are now looking for a man who will treat them well and make them feel accepted.
I know it sounds nonsensical, but I really think this is the subconscious processing that goes on in these boys’ heads.
Now, for family vs ministry, my pastor has always said, “If your faith doesn’t work (isn’t being lived out) in your home/family, don’t export it until it does!” Your spouse and children are always your first ministry. If that is not where your heart is, don’t get married! (Unless it’s to someone who has the exact same vision.) And you must be honest with someone before you get married, because it is not right to pull the ol’ “bait and switch” by setting false expectations.
Pride is what I see.
If it’s the Lord’s will for things to happen, then…
Souls will be saved if you aren’t there to pray.
That project will get done if you don’t help with it.
Someone else can always provide that ride.
But you, husband, are the ONLY person who can be a husband to that woman and a father to that child. The only one. When you decide to get married, you enter into those priorities. Souls getting saved is NOT the only thing that matters. I’ve heard too many stories of “pastor’s kids” growing up bitter and unfaithful because of the choice of their fathers. Abandoning the family for the church is a huge problem that cannot be overlooked.
Yes, there are people that are called into consuming ministry, but if husband and wife don’t have peace and unity, perhaps it’s not a calling from God.
Thank you for addressing this subject! A few years ago, I was the one always doing something at church and somewhat “neglectful” of my family. I pulled out of some things and started making time for my family. Now that I am making time for my family, my husband is the one pulling away. Go figure!
My heart is just breaking for her. This goes way beyond shouldering a ministry and goes into abusive neglect territory. Neglect IS a form of abuse. I don’t care if he is curing cancer—he is treating those closest you him who DO demand and deserve more of his care with disregard. I don’t think God is utilitarian: “Well, son, you depressed your wife, made her feel unloved, hardly saw your children, but you were a good missionary and saving 300 people outweighs loving your family well.” No way. People who are truly called to very demanding places MUST be in concert with their spouses or be single. My husband and I were both called into ministry together but we knew that there are greater ramifications in the long run if you don’t care for the home territory first.
I’m the daughter of neglectful parents who were also neglected. But my parents have done amazing things with their careers. It doesn’t matter. The havoc that they (and my grandparents) wreaked on their children is damage that will last for generations to come. I think this wide should seek professional counseling with her spouse. That is if he can spare an hour a week.
That was my thought: that a man who wants to conduct his life in this manner should NOT be married. This is the life and ministry of a single man:
“One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided.”
I agree with you and God’s word says it all.
Thank you for writing this. As a professional pastor, I feel that one of my main jobs is watching the balance of ministry, family, work, and life, and I work hard to help my church members live that balance. So much could be said to this and you handled it beautifully. Thank you.
MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) was a tremendous source of support for me as a new mother. I strongly suggest this person in this scenario contact her local chapter of MOPS. http://www.mops.org/groupsearch/
I hope the mother who wrote this letter visits and reads the books written by Wayne Jacobson. It’s my opinion that the husband is ignorant/blind to the fact that he’s addicted to ministry and is neglecting his wife/family. I believe she’ll find a lot of freedom here: http://thegodjourney.com/ and this book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0964729229/
you said it best when you said, balance… balance is correct. Knowing when to lay it down and knowing when it’s the season to go. As a wife of a traveling evangelist and pastor at a local church, balance has seemed to be the key for us. I’ve discovered too that the Lord also works in seasons. There are seasons where my husband has to go and travel every weekend for months at a time. As I stay in tune with the Lord I am able to recognize these seasons and God bestows so much grace on our marriage and home life. And through trial and error I’ve learned, I must be made to feel more important than it all, besides God of course, and it’s easier for me to stay behind. We just had our fifth baby. Our oldest is not even seven yet. It is hard! HARD! But there are also days of ease. It’s a journey for sure. The journey is finding that balance. Our marriage has had many ups and downs as we search to find that balance. It’s keys to know when. When do I put it down, and when is it okay to go? I know my husband is called. Walking with that knowledge helps SO much! But he is human and can quickly get imbalanced. And clear communication and not getting mad helps us.
When there is an assignment from the Lord on him Gods presence sustains me and gets me through that season. There is such a grace on the whole home and the children. Really!!! But if he is just doing ministry to do it, things can crumble quickly!!
Being a pastor versus a traveling minister. Seems night and day sometimes… We have a 501c3 and within the last few years my husband has come on staff as a pastor at a local church in addition to our non profit. It’s interesting to see how the local body will quickly take advantage of your husbands time just because he carries the title of a pastor. As if they are entitled to him. I have found that harder than anything else in ministry. Having to constantly share him and even take a back seat a lot. It helps when the senior leader puts a priority on family. Ours doesn’t, but he doesn’t deny us family time either. He just doesn’t push it. But when you have an anointed husband who is very lovable, everyone wants a piece of him. EVERYONE! And I don’t blame my husband, because it’s hard… It’s so hard to find that balance. I see the struggle… “How do I do my job well and love my family well.” As a man he wants to exceed everywhere. It’s been a journey. A journey to find the balance, for BOTH of us. We’ve both made mistakes and we’ve both had major triumphs. It’s part of the journey. Balance. It’s part of the sacrifice as Shelia said. But if we stay in tune with one another and win Jesus, He gets us through it. He teaches us. He allows us to make mistakes and find the correct, Godly way to operate. I just encourage, Grace and CommunicAtion. Always keep the communication open… It keeps the enemy out…
blessings from a wife of a minister!
I really empathize with the letter writer. First of all, she should remember that she is dealing with having a baby and all the stress, hormones and exhaustion that go with it. It may not be the best time to tackle a serious problem with her husband (and I do think it is serious). She may do well to find a well-respected lady at church to be her mentor or advisor. That way she can say, “_____ suggested that I limit my outside ministry activities while I am getting adjusted to our new little one.” His ministry commitments do not need to be hers. Maybe she can make a point of getting to church Sunday morning and then give the other services a pass–unless the time away from home refreshes her. He is making his decision to go, go, go for various ministries. She can likewise decide to stay home and care for her baby and adjust to her new responsibilities as a mom.
The husband sees his “busyness” as spirituality and he gets lots of positive feedback from his pastor and others at church. Rather than complain about his various ministries, she might get further by suggesting that he figure out where his gifts and passion lie and then focus there. A wise person once told me that sometimes when Christians doggedly perform jobs at church that are not where God has gifted us, we deny someone else the opportunity to use their gifts. Also, if I am propping up a ministry single-handedly, perhaps God is not behind the endeavor.
Finally, she and the baby need him at home more, but running home to her parents will only separate the family further. It sounds like the pastor may have been referring to her going back to her parents on a previous occasion. If so, this may be coloring the pastor’s advice to her. I would ask the pastor what “leaning on” looks like, because she would love to be able to lean on him when she is exhausted from the baby and struggling without him being available. I would suggest a good marriage therapist (not a pastor from their church) because her husband might hear it better from someone else.
Oh, it sounds like this young mum really feels alone! Maybe she can reach out to some other young mums, that feel the weight of responsibility for their households, and share the load, or can ask an older “mentor” in her church for help.
Her demands and sulking (not going to church because that is her controlling, passive-aggressive response to his preference of church over her) are immature and ineffective. The young mum doesn’t speak about her spiritual life, vision for ministry, or personal growth. Her husband’s focus is eternal, but she needs to lovingly let him know a relationship with him is important to her and the baby and that, together, they can advance the Gospel.
The exhaustion of sleep deprivation, additional responsibility, and isolation can be paralysing! She needs practical help and tools for communication so that her family can glorify God together!
Priorities should go in the following order: God, Family, Church. (Yes, God and Church are separate)…. Sometimes you just need to say to yourself ‘God’s work will continue even if I don’t go to X tonight or ever again’. Before you can bless the lives of people around you, you must first work on your own salvation AND the salvation of your family.
I think so often we get caught up in thinking “if I don’t do it then everything will fall apart”. That is prideful thinking!! I personally have found myself thinking that exact thing: ‘Man, this is going to fall apart when we move’ and yet it doesn’t. You know why? Because it is God’s work! And there are plenty of capable people out there. And someone might even do a better job than you…*Gasp*
However in a family, it is a little different. If you shirk your responsibilities (whether you are a father, mother, or child) it harms the rest of the family.
This really is one of those good, better, best situations. If you are doing the good things at the expense of the better and the best, are those really good things to be doing in the first place? To me, the answer is clear.
I think, God, family, work, church. Unless you factor in family and work as one unit.
Wow, I really hurt for this woman–and relate. My husband is working 80 hours a week in ministry (he’s a commissioned schoolteacher for our local congregation), and for a couple months it was really taking a toll on our marriage. He was receiving pressure from the school board and the parents to be working like that, and we’re newlyweds with a baby on the way, so we were really struggling. Finally he realized that no matter how important ministry is, especially to young adolescents (he’s a middle school teacher), if he can’t maintain his personal and family life, he’s ineffective at ministry, and he’s neglecting his primary vocation–that of father and husband. He’s put his foot down and is really working to make sure he doesn’t neglect our family, and life has drastically improved since he did that. Thankfully, our pastor and his principal are both really supportive.
Understanding vocation is so important, especially for ministry workers. I’d really recommend that anyone dealing with this issue look up what Martin Luther has to say on vocation–some quotes by him were what really got me through the worst part of this year.
As a new mom myself, the first priority this husband should have is to his wife!!! New babies are exhausting and she may be having post partom depression that he wouldn’t recognize since he is never home! God did not make marriage for it or the spouse to be abandoned or brushed aside for ANYTHING!
I so much understand what this young mom is feeling. I was there several years ago. I got the same answers from well meaning church leadership… And it nearly destroyed my family. Both as volunteer ministry and vocational ministry. The season turned into the lifestyle. I was a counselor, a pastors wife, and felt like I was drowning. Through personal counseling, marriage counseling and a lot of trial and error, this hardship did pass and we learned so much from it. I am so thankful for all that we went through because we are now truly bonded in a way that very few couples are. Our relationship has become sacred instead of exhausting. But it was work and hard work. I found people who didn’t make me feel threatened to share feelings and work through my pain. I found out a lot about myself as well. i became a better wife. We chose to step out of vocational ministry for this season in our life yet the Lord still puts plenty of opportunity to show Gods love every day. Find safe friends, go to counseling outside of your church, and know that God can turn ashes into BEAUTY!!!
I was shocked at first when I saw my desperate e-mail from several months ago on Sheila’s blog, and relieved, and interested. I haven’t read all the replies, but I’ve read enough to decide I’d like to update what’s happened.
I did go home for a week at a time to rest and recuperate and that helped some, but a few days into being back, things would fall apart again. I finally admitted to myself on one really bad day that I have post partum depression. I went to the doctor and got the medicine for it. However, I still feel guilty over it because I’ve heard stories of how it’s at least partly spiritual and women have gotten prayed over and it would just be gone. I’m not quite sure how that works. Is it a demon? Is it healing? I don’t know and I’ll admit I’m afraid to try it. I know the PPD was a factor then and is still a factor now, but I can’t take any medicine for it now. More on that later.
As you can imagine fights escalated and my husband finally admitted he has a problem too. Several of them, but I’ll only address the ministry aspect. He did start easing up on me. If I need a night off, he let’s me stay home now. Just last night (Wednesday, church night) I was super drained and he let me stay home with the baby even though it meant running service by himself as our pastor and other “supporting staff” if you will, are at a conference this week. He was a little ticked but not like the cold, heartless and angry, iron will he had before.
We did have a couple of more sessions with our pastor and some things were switched around for our benefit. His wife, the pastor’s I mean, now watches the baby on the night my husband leads Bible study at the nursing home, and I go with him. The Bible study was moved from 7pm to 5pm and we get to eat dinner with them which helps promote fellowship and encourages a closeness and openess. It’s been good for me because it gets me out of myself for awhile and focused on someone else’s problems instead of being hyper absorbed in my own.
I went back to work. I work at a daycare and am able to take our baby with me. That’s been really good in ways, but doesn’t really help with the exhaustion. Especially, and here’s the kicker, and why I can’t take antidepressants, since I’m pregnant again. I know. It’s nuts. We didn’t mean to get pregnant again right away. Oops.
At least one really positive, and most definitely God ordained thing has come of me going back to work. One comment mentioned MOPS. “Funny” she mentioned that. I had to go for a sleep safety training class at another local church. When I was in the bathroom I noticed a flyer for MOPS and decided to get involved as my doctor had been encouraging me to get involved in some kind of mom’s group. I cried when I saw it actually. There were little tabs at the bottom telling us to take what we need. It said things like, coffee, sleep, friends, Jesus, etc. I wanted to take them all! And they only meet once a month so it’s not too much for our still too busy schedule. I did not take them all, btw. I took the “friends,” tab. I don’t have many here. I just moved to this city three months before my husband and I got married, so two and a half years ago.
Another new couple goes to our church now, and the wife LOVES our daughter. They watched her for a whole weekend while my husband and I went to a nearby city for a little getaway. She’s always offering to watch the baby. I need to take her up on her offer again soon.
Over all, I’d say the biggest break through has been how my husband sees that he shattered me at that time. Those words still echo in my head some days. “Souls were saved. That’s all that matters.” I don’t matter? Our family doesn’t matter? Only other people matter? I only matter if my soul is in jeopardy of hell? I know that’s not true. No, I was not a drug addict. I was raised in the church. I wish I could tell you the exact moment I got saved, but I’m not sure. I do know for absolutely certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am saved, though.
I know Christ cares for His Bride and sent the Holy Spirit to us for just that reason, one of the reasons, anyway – that we would not be abandoned, or feel abandoned while He is gone preparing a place for us. Husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loves the church, and my husband is working on it.
Yes, I am selfish too. Especially right now while I’m still in an emotional hole. One of those deep, dark ones. While my husband is working on his issues, I’m trying to let myself heal. It’s hard to know where to begin when your heart feels like a bloody mass of tissue and you just want to go hide under the covers and never come out. (There have been other issues in our marriage besides the ministry one, btw. If it was just ministry, time and deliberate steps to unburden and get re involved when possible would be enough). I can at least see that my husband is trying. If there wasn’t any hope, I would have packed up and stayed home permanently, but there IS hope, because there is God.
One last thing, we really should get counseling, like with an actual therapist, but we can’t afford it. We do listen to Focus on the Family alot, and are reading some books. One of the books suggested above sounds intriguing. I’ll look into it. We also have some counselor friends on Facebook that we go too when it’s been really tough and they’re able to sift through some of our craziness and offer Godly suggestions and advice. Not to mention the marriage blogs I read. I know these things don’t take the place of a real counselor, but they are something for now. I know we’ll end up getting a counselor though. I would actually like to.
Post partum depression is a real disease. The main factors that cause this are an unsupportive spouse and exhaustion. There are certain meds you can take if pregnant or nursing. Please seek counseling as well! There are counsellors out there who will base their price on income or do Payment plans. I too suffer from post partum depression ( my baby girl is 4 months old now) meds help but support from family and friends is key! Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty or bad for this happening to you! Too many babies and moms have been lost due to ignorance.
My husband is in full time ministry and I know the feeling! I had to check myself sometimes and make sure I was allowing for the Spirit leading in my husband, especially when it ment a kid was missing his nap time every Sunday. I also had to watch my actions, just because my husband was busy with the church, I couldn’t come to resent the church, wanting to escape to my parents house. I needed the church and to find people in the church to help with little kids (holding them while I set up a stroller), adults that could later watch my toddlers because they were familiar people. Please honey ask yourself who can help on Sunday morning, a older lady who’s grandkids are far away and just want to love on a baby as you sit next to her alone. And make sure your not checking out of church because that is what is taking your husband away.
This is a hard times for moms the first few months with a baby, that baby wants only you, and you want a break. And my husband didn’t know how to help, so he delved into church stuff every time I had a kid (my fourth is six months old) I had to intentionally bring him into our world; letting him make supper every once and a while, letting him hold the baby while I showered (win for both), encouraging him as a dad. The baby only wants mom, and he has to be invited into that baby’s world by you or he’ll keep finding ways to escape.
I am reminded of Robertson McQuilken’s story when I read this post. (You can find it here: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2004/februaryweb-only/2-9-11.0.html) He gave up his career to care full-time for his wife when she was stricken with Alzheimer’s. Because he recognized what this young man hasn’t yet. While he can be replaced at his place of work, he can never be replaced in his family. There is always someone who can fill his roles within the church. No one can fill his roles as husband and father. In the case of Mr. McQuilkin, his wife would be discontent when left in the care of another and walk several miles searching for him when he went to work. Having someone to act as a caregiver wasn’t enough, no matter how caring the person was. She wanted him. I saw this when my father died too. My father was simply unable to handle being in the hospital unless mom was there with him. It didn’t matter that he got good care. And the rest of us kids were only useful for a couple of hours so that mom could have a chance to shower and rest. Mom had to be there. And this man has to be there for his family. Or he may find one day that his family will be gone. I hope he realizes this before it is too late.
My husband is a pastor, and though I am currently staying home with our children, I am trained, and have worked, as a pastor as well. I have to reiterate what Jill said above. Our priority should be first God, second family, and third church. With special emphasis that God and church are NOT the same thing. This is an important lesson that was painfully learned in our marriage.
My husband and I have learned through experience that God joined us as one in marriage, and God very rarely calls only one of us to a ministry. God calls both of us, together. We are a unit, and participate in ministry as a team – even when he is the one “doing” the ministering and I am the one staying home patenting without him. As many pastor’s wives have said above, ministry can be a lonely road to travel – for pastors, wives, and their children. If anyone will walk this lonely road with you, it will be your family. Not strangers listening to street preachers, not sick people in the hospital. These people are important, but they are NOT your family. Don’t neglect the promise you made to your spouse before God during your wedding vows. God called you to marriage alongside calling you to ministry.
I really like that God-Family-Church. That’s a great way to look at it!
I had another thought after praying through this.
Perhaps the problem isn’t the excessive ministry, but the full time job?
Perhaps this man IS called into full time ministry. He may be gone every evening doing ministry, but that wouldn’t be so bad if he could spend the morning helping with the baby and having lunch with his family.
Something has to give. Maybe this family should pray about him taking a paid position at a church?
Having a pilot for a husband and 3 little kids, I can relate! Reading this, my instinct is that she needs support. I would suggest communicating this to her husband. (Who seems to be totally unaware of the very special challenges that face a new mom!) If he is stubborn and refuses to make any adjustments, then I would suggest going to stay with her parents for a couple of weeks. You’re just too hormonal and exhausted to have this discussion with him now. I did this when my twins were babies, as my husband, although really supportive, had a really busy few months at work and was away a lot. It was the salvation of my sanity and got me through an incredibly difficult patch. Later my husband and I were able to talk things through and come to some decisions that prevented the same situation from happening again.
My husband is a PK — that is preacher’s kid. He has a full time job and is also working — many hours a week at the church. We have had conflict over this. I think the problem is how we define ‘work for God’. I come from a not great family of origin — where there was basically no family — and it has impacted my life and my sisters quite astonishingly completely — in the sense I think that had I not had that experience, I wouldn’t have believed it would effect children as much as it does. Absent parents are really destructive ot children on so many levels. What if it is God’s work to be a present, emotinally available father? Or mother? If she’s being both, she’s often not either. What if, when we get where we’re going — God will have wanted us to see the family as our ministry? God knows the family is in serious, serious trouble these days. Being a present parent is a thankless job — but is perhaps just as much (or more) God’s work as all the programs and pageants the church puts on. One of the things I’ve noticed about the church is how many strokes people who serve in it give each other because this is ‘God’s work” Because it is, it trumps everything else, especially home — but we live in a society that already preaches that home is a lot less important than ‘work’ — is not the idea that God’s work — which takes you away from mothers and children – not simply echoing the secular worlds preoccupation with career and ego? Perhaps ministry is defined too narrowly as church work. My husband’s parents travelled all over — relocating every three years because his father was ‘called’ to a new parish. My husband had no childhood home — no friends he kept, and he and his brother both went through divorces when the father was called to a mission in Brazil. The felt rootless — second best — no, not second — way way down the list. I guess I think Jesus was not so concerned with the church — and more with just people — children.
Whatever — a really hard subject and here I disagree with Sheila’s priorities quite a bit but maybe she’s right. I don’t know — I do know that God is not necessarily the same as the church. I became a Christian outside the church as teh result of a revelation and thus don’t have the same unquestioning committment to the institution per se. I think the Roman Catholics have a better understanding that the family — especially when its young and more than two or three kidss — can’t be left for ministry in a major way and have that no be destructive. Priests are celibate for a reason — the world is their family to which they can give their attention 100%.
Just my thoughts.
As a pastor’s wife (and my husband is also a PK), I disagree that God calls people into ministries where their families will have to sacrifice for an extended period of time (or, really, in many cases, a lifetime). I think God DOES call some people to extraordinary ministries that take up lots of time – and I would challenge that those people are also called to have families. Perhaps those are the people who are called to celibacy. (I Cor 7:32-34: An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided.) If one is already married when he feels called to a ministry that will take up too much of his time, then the family needs to come to an agreement together. Maybe it can be a family ministry so they can all work together? Or maybe God isn’t really calling him into that for a lifetime, just a short season? And the wife needs to be on board with it as well. I hesitate to say that God would not call a married person into a ministry that would sacrifice his family for a lifetime because I don’t want to limit God; however, God created the family to be TOGETHER, and satan has been all too successful at attacking families that I think we need to be VERY cautious and prayerful about any ministry that would put a strain on our families. satan masquerades as an angel of light (2 cor 11:14), so we have to evaluate and pray about whether “good things” are really “God things”, and to remember that we can have too many “good things” that we are neglecting the BEST things.
There are times when ministry requires more time of the pastor (traveling for a conference, running a building campaign, or a special or traumatic event within the church, to name a few), but this should be nothing more than a season, and as brief a season is possible. I know that during these times I will be shouldering a lot of the parenting burdens, but I also know that it will be just for a season and my husband will do his best to provide for our emotional needs as well during this time. I will do my best, prayerfully, to support him during this time that will be draining on all of us. Also, in ministry, many events and situations take place on weekends and evenings, which is not ideal for a lot of families (and is one of the reasons we homeschool, so that family time can be made up during the day). Often vacations are interrupted for a death or emergency in the church. The old school idea is that the pastor is married to the church first and foremost and must be at every church event (even leaving vacations early for things that the elders could take care of), and that has been very hurtful to many families.
Many PK’s have left the faith because they never knew their dad; he was too busy doing “God’s work” that he neglected the most important work – taking care of the disciples God had given him as children, and ministering to his wife.
” I Tim 5:8 – But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” I believe that taking care of one’s family is not just providing an income, but also spending lots of quality time together, training your children, and being there for your wife.
When I was younger, I remember my pastor reminding the church that he was not married to the church – the church could find a new pastor, but he is the only husband for his wife and the only father for his kids. Therefore, he would limit the amount of time he would spend each week “doing ministry” so he could effectively minister to his wife and kids. My husband has taken a similar approach, and I am SO grateful. This also allows other people within the church body to step up and use their gifts and talents to do what God has called them to do. If the pastor is doing everything, then it is short-changing others out of their ministries as well. And it definitely short-changes his family and denies his primary calling of being a husband and father.
My husband & I absolutely loved reading your words of encouragement & insights!
During the early years of our marriage we could definitely relate to being overly ministry minded. So thankful for the wisdom of our pastor who actually told us to go home after dragging ourselves into a Wednesday night service.
Your wisdom about “addictive personalities” was especially insightful, especially as we look back in retrospect.
Over the course of time, however, we became less legalistic (& critical) & more balanced.
Much of our balance has come from the need to do ministry in a sustainable way. The 2 questions about calling and specificity in “the work” were also well worded. We used to place priority on ministry over everything else, and then held priorities to be 1. God, 2. Family/friends and 3. Work/ministry, but now hold to our priorities as being 1. God and 2. Everything in which He has called us. The push and pull of the demands of life are difficult to maneuver, but holding to this idea of priorities has helped us “stay the course” in our relationships and service to the Lord.
Again, this post was very well put!
Thank you! I appreciate that. I do think specificity is the key. God doesn’t call us to “work more”, He tends to call us to something specific. He doesn’t just want us busy. And I see a LOT of people who are just busy!
Great point! I’m a ministry head in our local church and I can say that we really need to know what would be our main priorities. Below is the sequence of my priority in every decision that I’m going to make.
1. God
2. Family
3. Work
4. Ministry
5. Friends/Others
I love how you’ve separated God and Ministry. They really aren’t always the same thing, are they?
I often advise people to be vigilant, 1 Peter 5:8 says “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” Satan can also tell you to serve God as much as you can but his strategy is to destroy you and your family. There is a book entitled “The Strategy of Satan” which is worth reading. Already in the beginning Satan did it to Eve, and he is still doing it now. However, Christ Jesus has given us the authority to trample on the snakes and scorpions as written in Luke 10:19, therefore use this authority to rebuke him all the time.
I am in a similar situation in my home. My husband and I used to be so close when we were first married (before the children). We went to our previous church and still found time to do things as a couple. When we joined our present church several years ago, we were immediately “volunteered” for work in AWANA. I didn’t want to do it because I worked all week with young children and needed a break. However, my husband was saved as a young boy in this ministry, and wanted to give back to it. So, I gave in and helped him.
I was miserable because I knew this was not my calling, but I was not allowed to complain by my husband. I got “volunteered” for other ministries, too (because I felt guilty saying no to the church). During that time, I had my two children, so that added more stress. Finally, I cut back on the AWANA ministry last year, and will gradually get off the rotation for another ministry this year. I still serve on another ministry that I do like, and will stay on it as long as I am needed. I am learning to say “No” and still find my place of service and the appropriate balance with my family.
However, my husband still does AWANA, and now agreed to volunteer in the Media (aka projector) Ministry. Now, every Wednesday-Sunday, the minute he gets home from work, he is on the computer non-stop working on the Sunday morning presentation, except for a brief supper with me and the children. Sunday afternoons he spends working on AWANA. Monday and Tuesday, he usually says he has to catch up on bills and other things, and doesn’t want to be with the kids much after work, so he camps out in front of the computer in our bedroom watching his own shows. That leaves me as the sole parent to our two young children (ages 3 and 5).
I have asked him why it takes him so long to do a power point presentation, and he says it is the music aspect and checking to see when the sermon notes will arrive (aka waiting for all the emails to come to him). When I ask him to spend time with me and the children on Saturday, he says sure, but he still needs to stop by the Church to make sure everything is ready for Sunday. So I feel like I have to schedule our family time with him (I’ll fit you in between this time and that time). I told him this is too much work for him, but he says other men in the church do more and that he needs to act like them and take on this work. Because, “If I don’t do it, nobody else can help out.”
I feel all alone and frustrated. I am at the end of my rope, and ready to let my husband stay with the Church, and I will take the children and go elsewhere. I feel like the children and I get the crumbs of his affection, only after I beg, plead, threaten, etc. My husband says I am not a good Christian, and that God comes before everything else in his life, and I should help and understand this. He is also grew up in home where his dad was a Pastor of a small church, and that his parents expected him to get involved.
I have prayed and prayed for strength, understanding, acceptance, but haven’t found the answer yet. I can’t go to the pastor about this, because his sermons the past several months have been on service to the church. HELP!!!
Hi there!
That is a really tough situation, but it seems like there are two issues: first, your husband is taking far longer to do things than he should; and second, your husband isn’t spending time with the family.
It’s great that he’s committed to church, but church shouldn’t come before family. Can you talk to him about big picture things–like what kind of relationship he wants with his children in five years, and how he plans to accomplish that? Or how much time does he think a dad should spend with his kids a week? I have some “vision” printables that you can download and go through with your husband that may work.
But I also think going to your pastor may be a good idea. If you say to your husband, “I am just so frustrated that church is coming before family, and I really need to talk to our pastor about this and I would like you to come with me, but if you don’t, I’m going to go anyway”–and then tell your pastor your husband’s schedule. And ask him if this is what he meant by serving the church, and if not, could someone come alongside your husband and mentor him–show him how to be involved in the church but still be a good dad and father. I can’t think that any pastor would want someone sacrificing their family, but also, if it really is just that your husband is taking too long for things, then maybe he needs training so that he can do it in less time–or not do it at all if he can’t reduce the time.
Those are just my thoughts! But talking big picture things with your husband, and then going to the pastor, is likely a good idea.
I agree 100% with CathyC. She is not being selfish, she needs his support as a husband in the home. There must be a balance with ministry and family. ! Corinthians 7:32 & 33 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: 33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.
I’m not in the situation this woman was in, but more like yours. My husband is currently in seminary and working full-time. Every night consists of a quick dinner and homework until 1am. I usually fall asleep for an hour or two on the couch and then we go up to our room together where we will often times have some time of physical intimacy (but no real conversations) and then go to sleep. We have a 2yr old, 9mo. old and a baby due later this year. I thought I would get used to our new life, and some ways I have, I suppose, but lately it just seems to be getting harder. Especially with being pregnant again so soon. I am exhausted! I don’t complain or talk to my husband about it because I know we made this decision together and neither one of us have peace about him quitting school, but sometimes I feel so spent and alone. Our oldest child is wonderful and sweet, but she is also very strong-willed. There are days when the consistency of discipline takes every ounce of energy I have and usually leaves me in the bathroom at the end of the day hiding me tears because I feel like I’m raising her alone. To be clear, I am not blaming my husband at all. Like I said, we made this decision together, but I am now realizing that I really didn’t have a clue of what it would mean for me (it’s hard for him too!). We committed to being intentional with our free time, but this semester, I don’t even know what free time is. I used to look forward to Sunday afternoons and evenings for an in-home date or family time, but aside from two Sundays since January, we haven’t even had those. We both deeply love the Lord and want His will above all else. I’m not blind to the fact that this is a season and it will pass, but what do I do until then? I want to be the support my husband needs during this time, but my heart and emotions are having a really hard time being in it right now. I crave quality time with my best friend. The Lord has definitely been sustaining our love and marriage, but oftentimes I have to cry out to the Lord for strength to keep that heart because so many times I feel like we’re living separate lives under the same roof. God is so faithful, but if you have any practical advice I would truly appreciate it. Thank you!
We really don’t even need to discuss or debate this. What does the Bible say about our faith leaders? It says that if a man can not support his own home how then can he support the church or God? Faith leaders are to respect and honor their wives and families before being able to serve their church because that is the order of things. Read 1 Timothy 3
this happened to me the ministry stoled my fiance from me we had our wedding planned looking for a new home and it all came to stop he moved completely out of the country he did offer to let me go but I was also thinking about my retirement etc family you went to work for the ministry for 4 months out of the year for free at no charge then he would work at a another job here and there for 8 months out of the year cuz no employer wants to hire anyone just for 8 months at a time and where he went the living costs doubled almost tripled and as income was cut in half. But he said God would provide everything that he would need oh, now he is living just from page check to paycheck I cannot see myself ever marrying him if he would come back because it would be in the back of my heart when will he just get up and leave to go work for God. And this ministry when his work was done they was not there to help him pay his rent and utilities and have food I would like to hear other people’s comments on this I’m a true believer in God but I believe you also have to think of yourself and help yourself