I write about sex a lot on this marriage blog, trying to say things that are helpful and uplifting to encourage you to have a great sex life with your husband!
But every now and then there are things that I just want to get off my chest. And when J from Hot, Holy and Humorous wrote the post “8 Things I’d Say About Sex If I Had No Filter“, and issued the challenge for others of us to write a similar one, I knew I had to accept!
So here we go for Top 10 Tuesday:
1. Why in the world weren’t we created with a “sexual memory”?
I know what it’s like to eat double chocolate Oreo cheesecake. And it really doesn’t matter what time of day it is, or how full I am, if you offered me some double chocolate Oreo cheesecake, I would take it in an instant. That stuff’s awesome!
But you know what’s better? Great sex. And yet somehow I seem to forget that–and it doesn’t always seem worth the effort.Why can’t I have a cheesecake memory about sex? It would make life so much easier!
2. Sometimes we just want to give you a gift. Take the gift.
But I don’t have that cheesecake memory, and sometimes I just know that I’m not going to be able to concentrate enough to really enjoy myself tonight. After all, if a woman can’t concentrate solely on sex, then her body won’t kick in, because our sex drives are primarily in our heads. Some nights there is just too much rattling around in my brain for me to have a really good time.
And that’s okay with me, because sometimes I just want to give my husband a gift. And men, here’s what you’ve got to understand: on the nights when your wife is just making love “for you”, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with the marriage (in fact, there’s something right, because she’s trying to do something nice for you!) It likely just meas she has a lot on her mind.
If it happens all the time, by all means talk to her about it and work on how you can make sex great for her.
But on those nights when it just ain’t happening for her, take the gift she’s trying to give you. Just take it. Don’t try to analyze her or make her feel great–it will just frustrate her. Take the gift. It’s not that hard.
3. I really wish I weren’t such a multitasker
Multitasking works great during the day–when I’m talking on the phone while unloading the dishwasher, for instance. But I can’t seem to switch it OFF, and it drives me nuts. When I’m having sex, I want to HAVE SEX–not plan a grocery list. But I’ll be lying there having a good time when I’ll suddenly think–“is there milk in the fridge?” And then I panic and think, “Oh, man, what else do I need to pick up? And when am I going to get there?” I didn’t mean to think about milk. But it came in there and then my mind wandered and now my body has shut off.
I hate multitasking. Grrr. I really wish sex didn’t always require so much concentration!
4. You’re never going to like sex if you tell yourself all that negative stuff about it.
Sometimes the earth is not going to move for us. Some nights we really are going to want him to get it over with, and that’s okay if it’s just sometimes. But if it’s all the time, it’s likely at least partly because of the messages you’re giving yourself about sex.
Stop telling yourself all these negative things about sex! If you’re hopeless and talk about how awful it is and always think about how awful it is and always think about how you have no libido and you just want to be left alone and you’re just so, so tired, then it never WILL feel great.
The only way your libido will kick in is if you start telling yourself positive things about sex. And that’s not your husband’s fault if you aren’t. I know we all have roadblocks: maybe sex hurts or you’ve grown up with sexual abuse or you’re dealing with sexual baggage, and that’s okay. Work on those issues. But you’re never, ever going to get to the other side unless you start making yourself think differently.
God made sex. He made you to feel great! He wants you to feel great. He made it to be really intimate and to bind you two together. He wants you to relax. He wants you to sleep better. He wants you in ecstasy. Don’t you want that for yourself? So start talking UP sex instead of talking sex DOWN.
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5. Women, what are you thinking if you never have sex with your husbands?
So many men comment on this blog who can count on two hands the number of times they’ve had sex with their wives in the last few years. That’s YEARS.
What makes you think that sex is something that is optional in a marriage? That if you’re tired or run down with kids, that you can just say “no sex tonight–or ever?” Sex is a key part of marriage, and if you’re constantly denying your husband, you’ve got issues.
Sex can be so great, and if it’s not for you, it could very well be because of the messages you’re giving yourself about sex, your husband, and your marriage. Try focusing on the positive aspects of sex and just jump back in! And stop being ridiculous.
6. I wouldn’t sleep with you, either.
At the same time, guys, seriously, do you ever listen to yourself? Yesterday on my Facebook Page Kevin Thompson shared his post “I wouldn’t sleep with you, either“, and I loved it! So spot on.
Many husbands in sexless marriages did very little to deserve their sexless state, as far as I can tell, and so I am not speaking to them. But I’ve had literally dozens of men comment in the last few days on various posts (I’ve had a launch from some manosphere site, I guess), and reading their comments, I can totally see why their wives don’t sleep with them.
Look, guys, if you spend your whole life yelling about how women need to submit, how they can never deny their husbands even if their husbands use porn, how women are supposed to keep silent and not confront their husbands on sin, and how women are to respect their husbands absolutely, do you have any idea how totally creepy you sound? Oh, and when you say that God gave the men the sex drives they have, and so every man is going to check out other women, it’s natural–just ICK. Seriously ICK. Be a man. Treat your wife with dignity.
Stop with the porn. Stop watching Game of Thrones. Cherish your wife. Listen to her opinion. Stop checking out other women. Stop being a boor.
7. Take care of your body
We’re not allowed to say that because it may shame people. And you can have great sex no matter what size you are (in fact, there’s really good research to show that people who are about 20 pounds overweight have the best sex–and people who are underweight have the worst).
And sex is more than physical–it’s also emotional and spiritual, and so we should never let our world’s idea of beauty make us into nervous wrecks who feel so badly about bodies we’re embarrassed to have sex.
I agree with all of that.
But I also think that we’re so scared of shaming women that we’ve stopped talking about how important it is to take care of ourselves and to look nice. The pride that we take in ourselves reflects how we feel about ourselves, and that plays a large role in our sexuality. So just put in some effort, ladies!
Men are visual creatures, and you’re the only woman he’s supposed to look at. So be nice to look at! Stop wearing baggy T-shirts. Stop eating food that isn’t good for you. Treat your body well. Yes, your true beauty is your inner beauty, absolutely. But it doesn’t take that much effort to make your outer self match your inner self. Just pick up a brush. Get a great haircut. Learn to apply some mascara and lipgloss. Fight the frump!
8. My wedding night was awful. Most people’s wedding nights are.
We talk UP the wedding night way too much. You know what’s wrong with the wedding night? It follows The Wedding Day–the longest day of your life. I think we’d all do so much better if we stopped telling young people “just wait for the wedding night”, and started telling them, “just wait until you can take a year or two discovering each other after you’re married.” When I did my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that about 80% of people had awful wedding nights, if you judge just by the physical aspect. And for most people it does take a few years for things to work like clockwork.
I think we’re so scared of people having premarital sex that we oversell the honeymoon. Let’s talk about sex as a decades long fun research project, not a “one night entry into bliss”. Seriously.
9. Sex is like Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong will eventually go wrong.
And here’s why we need to see it as a decades-long thing: anything that can go wrong will. Once you finally get it working like clockwork you’ll get pregnant and start puking. Or you’ll hit perimenopause and your hormones will go out of whack. Or he’ll get stressed and lose his libido. Or he’ll start getting erectile dysfunction.
Sex may be the most intimate thing we can do, but we do it with our bodies. And when things affect our bodies, they’re going to affect sex too. That’s one reason God made marriage: so that when things do go wrong, we’ll stick together long enough for them to go right again!
So don’t worry when things take a turn for the worse. It’s natural. It’s part of growing older together. Just keep talking, and keep those lines of communication open, and be prepared to try to learn new things. We’ve had such health issues the last year that it’s been really discouraging. But it’s brought us closer, too.
10. Sex is like pizza: When it’s good it’s great. When it’s not so good, it’s still pretty good.
I’ve written a lot about spicing things up, and I totally agree with those posts. But do you know what I like best? Sometimes the Old Faithful works without much addition. Sometimes I’m tired, and I say, “come put me to sleep, baby”, and there are no gymnastics. There are no candles. There aren’t multiple positions or anything. And honestly, that’s often what I love most–just being comfortable with each other, and being able to relax during sex instead of it always having to be this BIG THING. I hope that doesn’t make me weird.
There you are–the top 10 things I’d say if I have no filter. Some of those aren’t what I normally say here, but there you go. What would you add? I’d love to know in the comments!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila,
I felt so encouraged by this post. Especially the part about pizza!
Such a fun article!! However, I am wondering if you and my hubby were in cahoots before our date night tonight?! LOL He was telling me all these things. I’m just struggling right now with this and some other “trust” issues. So sex has taken a nosedive for now. He is not a happy camper but is being very patient.
I love it!
Reason #2 is still kind of difficult for me, BUT… I’m getting over it. I’m really beginning to understand that whole “gift from my wife” thing. And I love her ALL THE MORE for it!
Thanks Sheila!
Here is the thing though, even when I am too tired or distracted for it to hit on all cylinders and I do a quickie for my amazing husband, I still really like it too. It still makes me feel good and close to have him with me in that way. I love feeling him with me in that way. So, don’t feel bad, it is still something she wants and desires and like to be close to the man she loves.
Yes! TBG is right. It feels good to be cherished, held close, and feel beautiful in your husband’s eyes.
I am dying to comment on this.
1. I think people needs to stop dwelling on the past. Your sex life will never be the same all the time. You have to put things into it to receive from it.
2. I don’t quite follow “giving a gift” meaning but I can imagine.
3. Don’t you just hate it when you have sex or make love and what you did at work keep popping into your mind or you get stressed because the kids may wake up.
4. Sex is in many ways psychological. The human brain is the biggest sex organ. So don’t hold a grudge against each other or you will resent one another and then your sex life will suffer.
5. I think it goes both ways, wife rejecting their husband, husband rejecting the wife. Its all a vicious circle and it will eventually ruin your sex life and your marriage.
6. Men, as a man I urge you. Treat your wife with dignity and grace. But she is not a decoration so she don’t need to be placed on a pedestal. Nor is she a goddess that need to be worshipped. She is flesh and blood. She is your equal, she don’t walk in front of you or behind you. But next to you holding your hand.
7. I think round is still a shape so I guess I am in shape after all LOL. Anyway, even though sex is possible in all shapes and forms. Please for your own health keep yourself up, im not talking about size 0 skeleton, size 16 can still be sexy. Also please do take a bath or a shower. That goes for men. If you are pleasantly plump, you do tend to get a bit of a BO. JS.
8. I would not know. My wife was on her period on your wedding night. But I did get a good night sleep.
9. Amen sister. Everything will go wrong that can go wrong.
10. As George Michael sang “Sex is natural, sex is good Not everybody does it, but everybody should Sex is natural, sex is fun Sex is best when it’s one on one”. Both husbands and wives stop being old sourpusses and bless each other with the God’s gift to marriage.
Matt,
I laughed when I read your comment to #10! Gotta love George Michael! 🙂
I loved reading your reply. Very funny and we’ll said thank you for sharing
Sometimes I’m tired, and I say, “come put me to sleep, baby”
Love this!
My husband loves the idea of me giving myself to him, even if I’m not in the mood. That doesn’t happen too often (mostly because I’m rarely opposed to sex), but he gets really excited at me being that sacrificial for him. He says it’s great when I’m wanting it and we’re doing it together, but every once in awhile knowing that I’m doing it just for him is extra special.
Also, I think there’s something to be said for the wedding night being special, but that doesn’t have to mean extraordinary sex. Our wedding night wasn’t very good sex, if you’re talking orgasms and long periods of ecstasy. Not even close. We were both virgins and had no idea what we were doing. I wasn’t nearly as flexible as I am now. (It’s not like I had any reason to spread my legs before that, you know.) Figuring out the mechanics takes some time and practice. But the wedding night was good in that we spent time exploring each other and giving to each other and finally being able to be alone and sleep together and start life together. We both enjoyed it, at least partly because of the sex, even though it wasn’t great sex. It was about being intimate with each other, even if the mechanics weren’t great.
This is fabulous! Love ’em, Sheila.
Of course, I have a favorite: #9. That one just zinged me with all kinds of “Amens!” floating through my head. Sometimes even for us Christian sex bloggers, I think people assume we got it all figured out way back when and now it works as smooth as a well-oiled machine. Um, not always. Because stuff happens…life happens…things go wrong. Things throw us off-kilter too, but we don’t let them fester. We take the long view, understand the significance of sexual intimacy as God’s gift to marriage, and get back on track as soon as we can.
Oh my goodness, I totally relate to number one. I can’t tell you how many times in my early marriage I would not want to have sex because of being tired or just not feeling like it. When I did have sex, I would think, “this is really great. Why didn’t I want to do this? Next time I’ll jump at the chance”. Of course, next time comes, and I am like, “I don’t feel like it”. So so true. I wish I had a cheesecake memory too. 🙂
I too wrote a post like this because of J’s challenge. 🙂 I thought it was a pretty awesome challenge.
It’s been fun reading various bloggers taking this challenge of just saying what they want without a filter! I think it allows your readers to get a little better glimpse into who you are, just real life women (men) in real life marriages with real life sexual struggles.
If were to speak without a filter re: some of your thoughts this is what I would say:
1) I personally DO remember exactly how great sex is and want it quite often! Unfortunately, as a high drive wife, it feels more like starvation mode to me — maybe that’s why I remember it so vividly and crave another piece quite often.
2) This one is hard for me to admit, but I don’t want to give my hubby a gift just for him very often. I know it sounds selfish, but once a week lovemaking that turns into only about him — well, kind of leaves me feeling frustrated and sad because I will have to wait another week for us to connect again. I can see if you’re in a marriage where sex is a daily occurrence and he never turns you down when you ask, then it wouldn’t be such a big deal.
3) I can relate to this somewhat and when it does happen, yep I hate it! How in the world did I just go from being hot and bothered to wondering if I started the dishwasher?!? LOL
5) I would say — husbands, why turn down your wife when she’s really wanting sex with you?? I little FYI: men, if you say yes when your wife is all hot and bothered it will be probably the best mind-blowing sex you will have and probably won’t take as long either for her to get there — not that you may mind how long it takes, but sometimes she does. The more you use it, the better it works! 😉
6) I completely agree with this one! No woman truly wants to sleep with a man who is so entrenched in porn that he does not know what it means to actually make love with his wife. And no matter what some will say, many sex acts which men view in porn and want to bring into the marriage bed are not beneficial. The focus becomes more about certain acts they want to do or have done to them that there is no true intimacy and it is all about the end result — their satisfaction. Ask me how I know — my first marriage to an abusive porn-watching man — we never ever were intimate in 20 years, we only had sex for him.
and,
10) Love this! I think all the ways to spice up a marriage bed can definitely be fun, but I personally find the best sex happens through plain ol’ love making with my husband without all the bells and whistles, games, props and a million different positions.
So there’s my unfiltered thoughts about your thoughts! LOL
Amen to your #2. I am also a high drive wife & I don’t want to spend my once a week (or once in 2 weeks) on him only.
I SO agree with everything except the put on mascara and lipgloss part. Part of the “visual” obsession in our culture has to do with men seeing women with long lashes and red lips and NOT KNOWING IT’S MAKEUP. They see women wear makeup all the time and it is desensitizing—women must always look like that! Then all women have to start doing it to look “feminine” and “pretty.” If we were all just our God-given selves, no one would have to step it up. Kind of like plastic surgery in Hollywood. Almost all actresses get plastic surgery, so when a 50 year-old has a sagging neck and doesn’t look anything like she did when she was 30, we think “man, you really let yourself go and didn’t take care of your skin!” In reality, chicken wattle necks are totally normal for older women. We should be considered pretty without makeup. Men don’t wear makeup. Beyond showing our figures and wearing deodorant and being clean, I don’t see a need to be made-up to hold on to our partners. Or maybe that IS the reality, that they need their partner to be made-up in order to be attracted, but that’s not the way it should be. My husband never wears makeup. He’s attractive. Why the double-standard for women? Makeup is just a cultural construct, the way that it’s beautiful for a man to have gray hair but not for a woman. We shouldn’t have to be china dolls.
I’m with you on that Heather. My Beloved stopped wearing makeup many years ago, and rarely have I ever missed it. She truly is the most beautiful woman in my world. Sure, there have been a few occasions over the years where I’ve requested a little dash of something here & there just to “doll up” a bit for a special thing. But we’ve been married over 27 years, and you could count those occasions on one hand.
There are still men like me who love their lady just the way God made her! 😉
Jason, I love this! Good for you! My husband once told me I looked beautiful when I was sanding a house on mission trip: no makeup, no revealing clothing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
Heather, in case you’re interested… my very first blog post – a few years old now. (I hope that’s ok, Sheila!)
http://songsix3.org/the-most-beautiful-woman-in-the-world/
Heather-
I totally agree. My husband thankfully doesn’t like makeup, etc. He says I am beautiful without all of that (even at 50!) He would always prefer that I not wear any. I think the point is to try and do what your husband finds attractive. My mother-in-law colored her hair because she said her husband liked it like that. I don’t color mine (even though I am getting a few more grey strays), because my husband says he would prefer that I don’t. He likes the natural look, and he would rather we give the money to various charities. Although I know that if I ever got to the point where it was something important to me- he would be fine with it.
Great post Sheila- thanks so much!
Great post, Sheila.
I’m sorry you had to deal with those manosphere comments, I was appalled the first time I stumbled across that corner of the internet.
I really like your point about the wedding night. In fact, taking time to learn about each other is the reason why monogamous sex in marriage is so much better than casual sex. You get to learn what makes sex awesome for you and your spouse.
I also wrote a post in this challenge. Take a look at it here:
http://www.godshelpformarriage.com/5-things-say-sex-no-filter/
Speaking just to the one where you called out the men commenting. You are assuming a lot, and doing so incorrectly. Of the men I know who commented all have good, if not great, marriages- including lots of sex. We simply have a different interpretation of both scripture and marriage- as do our wives who agree with us. That does not make us creepy anymore than it makes you creepy. What makes the situation creepy is we have christians- all of us- that we call each other names and insult one another. I understand your point of view even though I think it is flat wrong according to scripture and even dangerous- as you do ours. Now that, I’m not real sure what to do about it for we’ve tried praying, we at one point tried conversing- although you do no longer-, we’ve reexamined the scriptures, reexamine our hearts and we are stuck thinking you are leading thousands of women into sin & destroying marriage and you thinking we are doing the opposite. For as entrenched in sin as you believe we are- we think you just as much are also. What do we do? Do we continue disunity? Tearing each other apart? Both calling the other evil? For we truly believe your teaching is evil as you do ours. Yet we read the same bible, pray to the same Lord and each have good marriages. I’m at a loss and grieved. You aren’t willing to discuss things- for they are distractions and evil in your book- although just as many christians around the world call what you are doing evil. Where do we go? Lord have mercy on us all.
I think we all keep praying about it (on both sides), and keeping the discussion respectful, as far as it depends on us.
The truth has a way of coming to light. 🙂
Also, no one is perfect. Sheila will have things she gets wrong, as will people on the other side of things. I think it would be helpful to keep that in mind.
The other day I was messaging with a young college friend who is doing a semester overseas. She said one of her professors said in class something like he wishes “religious people” would quit being afraid of sex and the human body. Because she and I have spoken frankly about sex and God’s plan for it she told me she wanted to say, “Really? Because one of my pastor’s wives has said that sex is her favorite form of worship.” I so wish she would have taken that opportunity. This sparked in me the desire to write a treatise entitled “What Real Christian Women Know About Sex”. When I finish it, I might share it here.
Thanks for your thoughts on this most wonderful and mysterious topic.
I think that goes for a majority of people. Sex is a great form of worship since you become one with your spouse.
#5 is my story and my song to all women! Thank you for sharing it here. Yes, yes, and yes! Loved the rest of the list too. 🙂
Great list! Number two makes me think about when a friend told me the advice her mother gave her before marriage. “Sometimes you just have to a good hostess”. This cracks me up every time I think about it!
For those who are in sexless marriages let me say that it is often made a bigger thing than it should be. My wife and I married at 48 years old and had a wonderful sex life. It is my second marriage and her first. But 2 years later she started menopause and no longer had interest. I took her to doctors and she tried bioidentical hormones and a variety of things, but in the end, she no longer was interested. After a couple years trying to resolve the issue I said to her one day that she was never interested and seemed perturbed that I was asking for sex periodically (I say periodically because over time the frequency of my pursuit dropped off and by the time I got to the point I am talking about I was asking less than once per month.). She admitted she wasn’t interested and asked me to not ask anymore. I decided to comply because of a couple of reasons. First, I got to the point where I realized that I really didn’t want someone to just put up with me. Why would I want sex with someone who doesn’t want it? Frankly, it’s repulsive to think that someone would want sex with someone else who is just putting up with it. It’s a big turnoff. Second, everyone focuses on the idea that your spouse’s body is yours and not their own. But as I thought and prayed about that I concluded that if I turn that around and think about the fact that my body is hers and not just think about hers being mine, then I have to realize that my body is there for whatever she wants it to be. And if she wants it to leave her alone, then I should honor that. Our bodies not being our own is reciprocal, not just a one way street. (And for those of you who are wondering because it seems to be a recurrent theme I read here, yes I am almost fanatical about my hygiene. Two to three showers a day is my usual. I do take care of myself and always have so her decision is not based on that. Menopause simply took away any desire on her part.)
All this said to say that it’s now been 8 years since there’s been any intimacy between us. Other than a quick kiss and hug goodbye when I leave for work or a hug when she’s upset, there is no receptivity to anything else. She even changes clothes behind closed doors so that I haven’t seen her less than fully clothed in the past 8 years.
This used to bother me, but what I decided to focus on was that I’m supposed to love her as Christ loves the church, which is unconditional. He accepts us with our faults and failures and still gave His life for us. That’s the love I work hard to have for her. And I will say that we have a good relationship in all other areas. She is my soulmate, but the one area we don’t have is intimacy. She seems content with it. I’ve learned to live with it. Do I miss it? Of course. On the other hand, I have learned that it’s just one part of a many-faceted relationship. No relationship is complete in all areas and in this case, the area that is incomplete is intimacy. That doesn’t change my commitment to her or my love for her. It’s just a fact of life I have learned to live with. And since I found out this past year that I have cancer it has made me really realize that this is such a small issue compared to other issues in life. Focusing on my desires is far more selfish than I have wanted to realize in the past but as I see my life shortened and uncertain I realize that there are so many more important things that I almost laugh at myself sometimes for how upset I was years ago about this issue. Selfishness serves no positive purpose in a relationship and the years I focused on being upset about no intimacy now seem very wasted compared to what’s important in life and how I spent my time serving Him.
I applaud you, I got all choked up reading this. You are a wonderful, wonderful man and your wife is a very fortunate lady 🙂
John,
First, I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. It clearly has put things into a different perspective for you. Second, I want to sincerely thank you for sharing your story. I have been married for 17 years and have not been intimate with my husband for at least 5. I have suffered with depression and other medical conditions, and the medication I must take affects libido and makes sex painful. I have carried so much shame and guilt about this. Not that my husband has made me feel this way deliberately, but I know he has felt hurt and rejected many times when I first began having difficulty with intimacy. We have never really talked about it, my husband always had difficulty discussing anything having to do with sex. Over time he just stopped asking for it and I was relieved. I like your story because it gives me hope that perhaps it’s OK that I can’t be intimate in that way, perhaps my marriage does not have to be unhealthy because of it, and maybe I can finally let go of the shame and guilt I have been carrying because of it. Hearing your story has given me the courage to bring up this issue with my husband once again to get it out in the open.
…Thank you so much. The the first time in a long time I have new hope.
Love the candid honesty! These are things that need to be shared–but no one ever does.
Great article! I’m reading this and for me, it’s the opposite…my husband NEVER (not exaggerating) initiates sex. It’s always me who has to say something. And forget about a weeknight, he’s too tired. He just turned 40 and we have a four year old son. We’ve been together 19 years and married 13 years. He’s always been this way and he says there’s something wrong with me because I always want sex. Nobody has any idea how this makes me feel.
Glad to see it isn’t just me who tends to think of things during sex.
It does occur to me that #1 and #8 are kind of related? Tweak a detail here and there, but I’m guessing your reaction to the first time you ate double chocolate oreo cheesecake, your eyes closed, your breath caught in your throat, you tipped your head back, let out a moan of deep satisfaction from right down in your belly, and then said something like, “oh my gosh, this cheesecake is amazing!!” And that reaction got fixed in your head, so that the cheesecake never seems like a bad idea. But your first experience of sex was the opposite of that. Which might be why it doesn’t seem worth dropping everything for at the mere suggestion of it? That it has to be more of a conscious thing? I don’t know particularly, what you’d do about it if that is the case, especially without undermining point 8 for the rest of your audience, but it might be something to think/pray about?
Always enjoy your blog…. It’s very helpful information and easy to read. Love your style.
Really had a good chuckle with Number 10
10. Sex is like pizza: When it’s good it’s great. When it’s not so good, it’s still pretty good.
On a sad note, I just got word this week that a couple that we knew from church years ago that had been married over 20 years are getting a divorce. That breaks my heart. I feel that we as the church should help our brother and sisters in the Lord work through the misunderstandings that cause division and hopelessness that often leads to divorce.
I know that your blog helps countless couples have a better understanding of how to enjoy an intimate life together as I believe God intended. It seems to me that when a couple can work on having a fulfilling and enjoyable sex life, the other normal marital issues are easier to handle and don’t tend to get blown out of proportion causing the relationship to drift apart. Maybe Good Sex is like glue, it holds us together. Take away the glue and we can tend to drift and fall apart.
Keep up the good work Sheila. I’ll keep reading.
Alan and Darleen
Thanks, Alan!
When my husband and I got married he was the one with more experience. (He got saved later in life) and that was something we had talked about. I was the one with no experience . our honeymoon I would say was pretty great not because we had this “Earth Shattering sex” (though we did havehave some great times too.” But because my very patient husband tried his best to make sure to take it slow and we went at our own pace. And despite me being on my period and being super sore and spending the week going to both universal studios and Disney World We had a great honeymoon Not because it was this or that and the other thing. But, that we were together, alone, we took time for each other and that it was the beginning. Just because your honeymoon doesn’t go smoothly or that its hard because one or both are virgins does not mean it can’t be great either. Its about perspective and that’s important.
So true, Jess! Really great. Thank you.
I do want to sy we were really honest with each other about our nervousness about what was gonna happen and how we felt and that really helped we didn’t go in with blinders on we went into our marriage with the idea that sex wasn’t this BIG thing but was a Big thing. It wasent The ALL IMPORTANT, but it was important.
These are all so true, I just wish my wife would read these.
I wish that I had not read this. I did not realize how much I knew on this issue until I saw our own situation. Now I am simply more depressed. Intimacy is over for us. She is just too busy with her job and obsession with housekeeping. I know that I am the problem as I have ED and it is frustrating. I am interested and want to keep trying but she has lost all desire. Ok, enough whining. I have vented. I am off to bed by myself ( I keep her awake at night when I move around with foot pain, so I sleep in some other room).