I get a lot of reader’s questions like this one:
I found out about my husband of 5 years had been addicted to porn and caught him by innocently searching through his photos on his phone while nursing my son in bed one morning. I regularly asked to use his phone, so my looking through it was nothing unusual at all. The difference this time is he forgot to hide his stuff apparently this time. We have had MANY hard conversations since then. He’s been getting help, hasn’t looked at it since July (when I caught him) and has been genuinely turning his life around and back to the Lord. Here’s my issue. I still don’t trust him yet. I’ve forgiven him but trusting him again is something that takes a lot of work and time. We aren’t at that point yet. Is it possible to respect him without trust? I do try but he doesn’t feel it anymore. I know it’s incredibly important to show respect and even biblical. I guess maybe I don’t know what respect truly is? I’m being the best I know how to be while feeling so broken but it doesn’t seem enough. Please help, I’m so confused.
And here is one woman’s answer to rebuilding trust after a porn addiction…welcome Jen Ferguson from Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood.
I was in my bed sobbing uncontrollably. The revelation hit me in the gut and never have I felt so alone as I did in that moment. The reality of my life hit me: I cannot trust anyone not to let me down.
Thankfully, with the new morning came new light into my darkness: No one is infallible. Everyone makes mistakes, including me. People will fail me, but this does not make all relationships destined for failure.
That wisdom right there seemed to right my sinking ship. Suddenly, I had gone from shipwrecked to being fortified with a grace I hadn’t known I was withholding from people in my life, primarily from my husband. For years we had battled together against his porn addiction. Never did I consider divorce, but looking back at it, never did I consider living into the fullness of marriage again, either. For years I could not bear to think about trusting Craig again.
Could I ever stop my suspicions he would one day return to porn? Would I ever be able to talk to him about his addiction without accusation and fear? The truth was, I could give him my body in the bedroom, but could I ever truly again give him my heart?
Realizing my own fallibilities was the first step in helping me to rebuild trust in my husband. How many times had I hurt him over and over in the same manner? I was not a white lamb in this relationship. My blemishes, though different than his, were still sins for which I needed forgiveness and grace. It was me that was placing his sin on a grander scale than my own. This was certainly not how God saw it. Sin is sin.
Rebuilding trust was a dual effort for us. Yes, he had betrayed me by using pornography and needed to show me that he was actively pursing a life without it. But, truthfully, I had lost some of his trust, too. When I first discovered his porn addiction, I went into “control” mode. I watched over his every move. I accused him before listening to him. I became a parent instead of a spouse. I let my anger rule my words. We both had to come to a place of acknowledging our own needs for forgiveness and recognize our marriage wouldn’t thrive without a foundation of trust.
Four Steps to Go from Ruin to Reunion
1. He communicates with me and I listen.
One of Craig’s major triggers that would propel him into his porn addiction cycle was stress. When things felt too hard or too much, when he felt as though he was at risk for failing or rejection, he would shut me out and get lost in the world of porn for release and escape. Before he really became invested in freedom, I would ask him questions, knowing something was wrong, and he would simply give me a pat answer like “things are busy at work.” Now, he knows I know when something is bothering him and he is willing to sit down with me and be real and honest with what is happening and how he is responding to those situations.
2. I respond with wisdom and he listens.
One day, Craig’s friend invited him over to watch the TV show, Game of Thrones. I happened to see part of one episode the previous season and I knew there was nudity in it. When I saw the invitation on Craig’s computer, my first reaction (that thankfully, I kept in my head) was “No! You can’t do that! It’s not good for you!” If I had said that, I would have regressed back into my fear-based, parenting-like behavior, where he felt disrespected. Instead, I simply told him how I thought the show might trigger him back into porn and asked him to pray about whether or not he should view the show. He ended up not going, not because I demanded him to stay home, but because God led him to the conclusion that watching nudity on TV would not be conducive to his walk toward freedom. He felt respected by the fact that I asked him to fully consider the ramifications and seek God instead of shouting at him about what he should or shouldn’t do.
3. He accepts accountability.
I know the password to all of Craig’s electronic devices and have permission at any time to view anything on them. There is a password on our cable account that restricts adult entertainment access and MA-rated television shows and movies that only I have (which he asked me to put on). He has a regular group of friends he can count on to pray for him and from whom he seeks counsel. All of these things give me tangible ways to see that he is trying to keep himself safe from things that could easily ensnare him.
4. We forgive each other continually.
We must make it a practice to forgive and extend grace. We will both mess up in a variety of ways, but instead of using these mistakes as ammunition against each other to try to prove that we are not trustworthy, we choose to use them so to practice the character of Jesus, who always extends forgiveness.
Rebuilding trust does not happen overnight and it can feel like an impossible goal, but with God, anything is possible. Trust is a crucial piece to your marriage and it will not thrive without it. God knows this and He will actively help you rebuild it. You’re not in it alone.
Jen Ferguson is passionate about Jesus, her husband, and her two girls. She is the facilitator of The Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood and loves to encourage women to bring their true selves out into the light. She is the co-author of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography.
Now it’s your turn! Have some marriage advice? Leave a comment, or link up a URL of your own Wifey Wednesday marriage post in the linky below!
This Wifey Wednesday we talk about how to rebuild when he’s the one who has sinned sexually. Next Wednesday we’ll look at how to rebuild trust when it’s been you–especially if you’ve been withholding sex, and now you want to change but your husband doesn’t trust you yet.
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Great article–as always!
I’m not seeing the linky, though–am I missing it somewhere? Thanks!
So sorry, Brittany! It’s up now!
Thank you, Brittany!
Thanks you for this article. Unfortunately it’s where my life is AGAIN at this time. I caught my hubbys porn habit on his tablet. This is the second time in our seven year marriage that it has happened. This time is different though because a week or so before I found it he threw a bombshell in my life stating that he no longer believes in God. Life is relative and creation is now closer to the big bang theory for him. I am still devastated a month later. He wants to stay married and so do I but true intimacy is lacking. My faith filters everything I do and I can’t share that with him. He’s so defensive about everything. So if there’s any great ideas about regaining trust after porn with an unbelieving hubby…I’m all ears
I think the unbelief is really hard. Here’s my thought – I wonder if he wants to reject his faith in God because he’s ashamed and afraid that because he has this problem, he can’t be acceptable to God. It’s really more about his desire to hide than it is about truly believing God. There are prayers in Beth Moore’s book, Praying God’s Word that I have found very helpful to pray so to break the stronghold of unbelief. These prayers are based on scripture and worded so that you can easily pray them over yourself. It’s quite easy to pray them over other people as well. Prayer is so powerful.
Lindsay,
I am in a very similar situation. My husband of 11 years has struggled with a porn addiction for out entire relationship (and when I say “struggled,” i mean mostly just been fine with) aside from 2 very brief periods of freedom. Within the past 6 months he, too, has abandoned his faith and basically said “porn is a part of my life and that’s just the way its going to be.” I am devastated to my core.
I have no advice for words of wisdom for you, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone, because this whole situation has made me feel the loneliest I have ever been in my life.
Rose thank you so much for your words. It’s great to know we are not alone. I will pray for you too. It’s so hard when your hubby rejects the only cure to his problem.
I’m grateful for your honesty and commitment to your marriage, Jen. This is a tough and very pervasive problem in marriages today. I’m grateful there are women like you who speak into the confusion and offer “handles” to those who are struggling to navigate it. Thanks also to Sheila for highlighting these very important messages!
Great article. Thanks!
I wish to point out that addiction of any sort how much more porn addiction is influenced by unclean spirit. This unclean spirit is dealt with through deliverance ministration. One can get deliverance from porn addiction by presenting oneself before a deliverance minister of GOD for deliverance. Until then, one may struggle through life trying to get rid of porn addiction but one sole effort most at times are frustrating.
Any wisdom for someone whose husband is not interested in dealing with the porn addiction? After 10 years of this, I am done faking it. I WANT our marriage to work, and to last, but I just don’t trust him at all. Can a marriage work with no trust?
It’s really hard when they don’t want to deal with it. It is such a huge security blanket for them and it is very hard to give up. Have you had an honest conversation about it? One where you can approach him without anger? Does he have a relationship with Jesus?
Sorry – I just saw you had left the previous comment that he is walking away from his faith. Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling?
I am actually not angry. I was the first time it all came to light, but I have forgiven him and understand that this is his darkness too (though I truly cannot understand why he still chooses it). I am still very hurt, but not angry.
However, he has made it clear that it is off limits as a topic of conversation. If I even just ask I we CAN talk about it, he gets angry and defensive and tells me I am not his “parole officer.”
Marriage counseling is not financially feasible at this time.
I struggled a lot with trying to police my husband, too. He had pretty much the same reaction. I’m praying for an awakening in his spiritual life and for peace and discernment for you.
Jen Ferguson thanks for the tip
Here’s another article on this topic my wife wrote for Covenant Eyes.
http://www.covenanteyes.com/2014/10/13/building-trust-despite-relapses-hope-wives-porn-addicts/
My husband and I have been married three years now and i thought maybe things would be moving on. The past 6 months he’s been adamant thats he’s fine and hasn’t looked at porn in that long and is finding each step easier … and i know somewhere there was some truth to it. But recently I’ve found evidence that he’s been using pro frequently (not as often as in the past but many times in a fortnight) and when i confronted him and asked if he’s been into it, he lied point blank. twice. I know he loves me and i know he’s struggling but with every set back he takes it so hard that he figures it’l never change. Now we’re at a point where he says I’m still unattractive … (which is hard because lately I’ve been finally feeling more attractive.)
I take responsibility for my own actions, but there’s truth in the fact that my weight gain in our marriage, has come out of the pain he caused. Whenever he’d roll over and refuse sex, i’d stay up late and eat comfort food. I’ve always been a little person, but now i’m 25kg heavier since the first year of our marriage. I wish he could see that he’s half responsible for my own addiction to food. … I feel ugly, i don’t fit into my clothes properly anymore, I can’t buy the pretty lingerie i like (not that theres a point anyway)
WORSE STILL .. I’ve found myself longing and looking at other men. some older (in 25, so by ‘older i mean .. 30) … I find myself feeling like a teenager again on the lookout for the next guy to crush on.
Our relationship as friends, is still great. But the intimacy is falling again. The other week we had the most intimate and romantic sex that i thought it was evidence of him stopping porn, and something to hold onto when i couldn’t trust him. Now i find out that he’s still been at it. I even found a date mark that while he was at home alone, on my birthday he was going at it.
Your article is great but i feel that until my husband gets his own kick from himself and God… he’s not going to change .
All this time, three long years, i’ve been the supportive wife, praying for him, with him, reminding him i’ll stay. Now i’m wondering if tougher lover was needed. I’m getting over playing it cool.
Why is my responsibility to keep it cool? If i have a good flip out and cry all day … He’s just going to turn inward … or worse, blame me for my own pain.
Please if one of you reading this feels the tug, pray for us. The only thing keeping me from leaving him i knowing how bloody hard it would be.. embarrassing. everyone would know. I’d be judged by my friends as someone who isn’t mature enough for marriage. … and i have 5 weeks left of my bachelor .. i can’t handle any more stress.
I know God can keep us together … but this is too hard,
If he can lie about porn again and again … how do i know he’s not cheating on me? He’s done it before. Sexting.
Oh, I am so, so sorry. First, I want to say that it is incredibly hurtful to have your spouse look at you and tell you that you are not attractive. My heart hurts for you so much in this because God sees you so differently. And I am so glad you said you were starting to feel better about yourself – your husband’s reaction is not the truth. I don’t know what his motivation was in saying that, but know this – porn use definitely skews a man’s expectations as to what “real” women look like. So this might not just be about your weight gain.
I totally hear you about food addiction and using food to comfort yourself in the face of pain. I was a food addict myself, so I can resonate with your struggle. It is a hard battle to fight, but it is possible to overcome. I had to realize why I formed such an unhealthy relationship with food and then allow Him to change not only my relationship with food, but also with Him.
You are right – God can heal. But God also waits for us to choose to surrender our sin and our addictions. Your husband must decide if he truly wants to be free. It can be hard – my husband took the “falling back” so hard, too. He lied to cover it up. It wasn’t until he finally was honest with me once and realized that I wasn’t going to condemn him that he felt enough trust in me to be fully honest.
Have you tried marriage counseling? I think it might help to have a 3rd party tell you when it’s not beneficial to tell your wife she’s not attractive. In addition, it sounds like porn was an issue before you came along and really hurt his ability to have emotional and physical intimacy. He could really use some counseling from someone trained in sex addictions, especially since he is engaging with real people via sexting.
As far as your friends – you need people who will support you. Not only am I praying for you and your marriage, but I am also praying that (regardless of marriage or divorce) you have people who will love and support you.
WOW. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this but I really hope you will open up to a pastor or close friend.
My husband is a sex addict. Let’s call porn/sexting/etc what it really is … sex addiction. I’ll share a little of my story: we are on 16 years of marriage and 16 years off & on of porn/chat line/ sex addiction. It has been the longest, hardest, most lonely and isolating “thing” I’ve ever – or probably ever will – gone through.
This time I’d had it. I called our pastor, who did know some of it, and told him I was done! He referred to me a Godly woman who did speak truth into my life, which opened my heart to searching for more answers. Hubby did find a sex addiction counselor as well as is attending SAA meetings regularly. For me, I found a S-anon group … a bunch (way too many!!) of women who know EXACTLY what I’m going through. They don’t come at me with some stupid “if you would have more sex with him…” conversations. And they don’t judge me for staying or wanting to leave. They don’t judge my husband as some sort of freak show. They know. They understand. There are groups all over the world as well as call in groups as well. These are not, “lets complain about our husbands” but rather, “lets learn, understand and let God take over” groups. You need to know, you are not alone! There are women everywhere around you that are affected by this addiction.
Here’s another part that I’ve come to learn & understand; sex addiction is like alcohol or drugs. It affects the same part of the brain and they have withdraws just the same. It’s “easier” to pray for him and have more compassion when I understood that piece. He obviously wanted to quit many times, but kept falling back in, unaware of just how much it affected his brain. This time actually feels different. I have hope, but still, while I don’t trust him, I trust God to protect me and give me wisdom.
I pray that God will lead you to the right people to tell, and that God will wisdom as to know the right thing to say and do now.
That’s the Reader’s Digest version of my story and I hope it helps in some way for you!
That’s so helpful and hopeful, Corinne! Thanks for sharing.
Have things gotten any better? How are you guys doing now???
Its just easier for you women in this area while for men this is natural weakness. I just wish women had some similar area of weakness so you women could stop being so smug and your holier than men attitude. Men have to put so many barriers daily (mentally, physically) just to stay pure. It never gets easier when I realise that all women are potential threats/ enemies today and in future. Looking forward to life knowing I, m not going to safe /free from this and will always struggle.
J –
Grace and peace to you. You are right – porn addiction is such a huge battle and it can feel overwhelming and hopeless at times. I’ve watched my husband battle (and have victory) over this addiction, but he could not have done it without the strength and help of Jesus. One of the things he found is that women weren’t the enemy – our battles (and women have plenty of other issues and some of them DO struggle with porn) is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities of darkness (see Ephesians 6). I am praying that your relationship with Jesus continues to strengthen and in that you will find freedom from the addiction. Jesus is definitely in the business of breaking strongholds!