My husband and I have been married for several years. My husband did seek out counseling to learn how to approach his mother and family who have done some incredibly hurtful things especially on days that should be the best days of our lives (threatening not to attend our wedding, not coming to the hospital to meet our child, not attending baby dedication). After a year of couseling, my husband had a conversation with his mom and his siblings to ask for forgiveness for any disrespect, to clarify boundaries and to work on their communication. It’s been a very slow process, but things are improving. My husband is like a new man who appears more confident and less ashamed. He has learned to find his own voice. While we still have a long way to go on this journey, but all the hard work has been worth it. We have learned that God’s way is really the best way- so he has honored our decision to do the right thing. But it was ultimately my husband who had to WANT the change and work on himself- I couldn’t force anything. Just pray that God will help you husband or wife see.

Oh in-law issues, I know thee well. 🙂 My husband is his mother’s only child and they were VERY close his entire life. Co dependently close. That was his normal, so he really didn’t know how unhealthy it was. He thought my family was unhealthy for a while because we’re pretty chill and not all up in each other’s business. It started causing problems during our engagement, when his mom would give him extended guilt trips about things we were or weren’t doing in our wedding. Not that my mom was perfect either – her flaw was being way too controlling with the wedding plans. We both agree we love being married but we are really glad we don’t have to plan our wedding again!

The biggest problem we encountered was unmet expectations. My in-laws sort of expected life would go on the way it had always gone on, that I would just meld into their family dynamic and automatically be super close with them and tell them everything and like all the same things they like. Well, that’s obviously not how it went. I’m a much more private person. I believe some things are just between me and my husband. My in-laws – my mother in law specifically, my father in law was a fair bit more understanding – took that to mean I didn’t want to have a close relationship with them. My mother in law would call my husband when she knew he was on a break from work or driving and complain about me. And my husband didn’t stop it. Which really ticked me off. We battled hard about this for a few years before things started to improve. My husband realized he had to be the one to set the boundary, and was he more afraid of hurting his mom’s feelings or of hurting his marriage? So he started letting her know, gently yet firmly, that those kinds of things were not okay any more. She may not understand me (she’s an extreme extrovert, I’m definitely an introvert, she comes from the June Cleaver generation and literally does everything for her husband and keeps her house spotless, I come from a generation that believes God gave our husbands two hands and two feet and is perfectly capable of getting his own drink from the refrigerator if I’m up to my elbows in dishes or laundry or cooking dinner for the family as our kids run around leaving a trail of destruction behind them), but just because I’m different than her doesn’t mean I’m some horrible broken mess of a person. I’m just DIFFERENT. And her son loves me.

My husband also had to re-set his expectations. In his mind it was okay to share everything with his parents. I mean EVERYTHING. To the point that it was embarrassing. He’s learned over time that there are a lot of things that are perfectly fine to share with his parents, but certain things like the day to day details of our finances? Not so much. And also that it is never ever okay to indulge them in a gripe-fest about me behind my back. I am not perfect, my husband is not perfect, and we are fully aware of that and we are constantly growing and maturing and working on our issues. We don’t need a peanut gallery detailing all of my flaws.

Our eighth anniversary is coming up soon and things are so much better. Yes there will always be things about my in-laws that drive me nuts, but is it a hill worth dying on? Not usually. Everything has come into a much more moderate state and overall there is peace. And they are wonderful grandparents to our children. 🙂

This post was helpful but hit a nerve with what I’ve been emotionally working through lately — my in-laws aren’t clingy or manipulative necessarily in this sense, but they see their kids as still part of their nuclear family and the daughter-in-laws as just pulled right in — on several occasions when they ask the kids to do something for them or for another family member that we can’t financially or feel comfortable with biblically (a sister is “needy” due to some choices that she has made and is not repentant) They insist that we need to rally and support and if we (as wives) object, they just say, “well, the Bible says you leave and cleave to your husband, so this is your family now.” Fortunately my husband doesn’t agree that we have to do everything they say, but it is still hard to counter this and it has caused alot of strife. Now they are telling us that they are ready to retire and have given us a list of their expenses to divide up with their kids — they have 10 children and have always “joked” that they are their retirement, but they arn’t joking. This is really very hard as we are trying hard to budget, and I certainly knew we would end up helping financially, but they literally just turned 65 and they are just planning on letting the kids take over. They have nothing basically because my FIL has never been able to hold down jobs for long (much in part to a personality issue) so its very frustrating but at the same time we can’t let them starve either. Its just really hard finding a balance and boundaries!

I am so glad I am not alone! And I am so glad for the advice. It makes perfect sense to me.

My husband is a wonderful man, but telling his mom “no” just doesn’t happen. Like she was raised, she raised her kids to stay with her, and since my husband is her favorite and successful, etc. she cannot stand that he doesn’t do all he does, for her. I have a decent relationship with her, after years of abuse from her, but ultimately she is in hopes that one day I will go away and leave my husband and the kids with her. She and I are “friends” but anytime I try to move that relationship forward it gives her the motivation to put my husband in the middle. She has gotten better over the years, but she just can’t seem to help herself. The best way for us to handle it is to keep ourselves separate and visit from time to time, but when we allow her too much into our lives, she wants to push the door down. We actually did move a good 30 miles away, but recently thought about moving back to our hometown. When that decision was being made, my MIL showed her hand just a tad too early and we shut the whole move down. At this moment, though, because I was forming a stronger friendship with her over backyard chickens (we both have a flock each) and the move, I am storing 4 large items in my home that belong to her. One of these items is the ugliest grandfather clock, in the world (there’s also a potential legal issue with this clock that just makes it so much worse). I had no say in the matter. These decisions were made without me and I am hurt by it, but I’m trying to let it go, because what can I do? I’ve told my husband how I feel, but they’re still here so my only defense is to be kind but put some communication distance with my MIL in place. I know it may seem silly to be upset over a clock (and other items) in my home, but this is about control on her part. She wants her stuff here because then she can have control over our home. Trust me, this isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with this very situation. Both she and my GMIL use stuff (or in the case of my BIL, money) to gain control. My husband knows this is a problem for him. We were both raised by bullies so I understand him, too, but it doesn’t make it less hurtful when ultimately the choices are made without consideration to our home and lives.

Thanks for the insight.

While I haven’t had some of the majorly extreme in-law situations, there have been plenty of opportunities to crucify my flesh, so to speak, and choose to love when I would have MUCH rather “shared” my feelings. To many, my mil would seem extreme. The past 20 some years of marriage haven’t been years of continual in-law bliss. I have had to stop and consider whether remaining in my marriage was the healthiest life for my children because of in-law relations. We live in the same area and work together in a generational family business; not being around each other isn’t a viable option. Realizing that not being with their father would be more detrimental than beneficial, I had to do something so that our family wouldn’t be ruined.
Over the course of years, a few things have been very helpful to me. One thing has been to remember that if it hadn’t been for my mil, I wouldn’t have my beloved husband. No matter what she does, says, etc. I can be grateful for the gift of my husband. Something else that has helped me make sweet choices when I want to be nasty or hurt is to remind myself that I might be a mother-in-law someday, and I will want my daughter-in-laws to treat me kindly, especially on those times I don’t deserve it. Because, after all, we all have “those days” when we are less than lovely. During particularly painful times when she won’t believe I have chosen to love her no matter what, I just have to know that because of her childhood there are broken places inside that have nothing to do with me personally. Yes, the unkindness, manipulation, and attempted control may be directed towards me at this time, but at the root this is NOT about me AT ALL. All three of us daughters-in-law have taken our turn as the enemy. She is a dear woman who has been heartbreakingly wounded. One way I can live my love for my husband, her, and the rest of the family, is to realize this and refuse to take seeming attacks personally. No matter how it looks and sounds, it really, truly is not about me. I love my mil and my mil loves me as much as she is capable of loving. And she is a wonderful grandmother who adores my children. When all is well, she dotes on me too and tells me how much she appreciates the wife I am to her son and the “perfect” grandchildren he and I are raising and have raised. A final small thing I have done is that I have quit referring to my in-laws as in-laws and refer to them as my in-loves instead. I married their son because I love him so we could be together in love, not law, though we are that too.
There are other things that have been helpful through the years, but these few have made the greatest difference. None were easy to do. They are seeds of love and these seeds, often sown in tears, are producing good fruit for the future.

Due to unforeseen circumstances at our home my husband, myself and our kids moved (6hrs away) into my inlaws camper. We have no where else to go. The camper is set up on their property. This was only till we got a job and got our own place. We have lived here for over a year. My husband worked odd jobs all he could to pay any bills we had. All the while we put in several applications. We agreed to help by paying half the utilities which is more than our share since the camper dont run that much electricity. It started when my MIL would have my kids to get whole containers of sugar, oil, soap ect… out of our cabinets while we were gone and keep them for her own. I would go to fix meals and my supplies would be gone. Or let her borrow sugar for a recipe I would let her use what she needed then she could bring me back the rest. I walked in one day and found her filling up her sugar container too. I finally stopped it all. For a few months we paid nothing on the lights because of work being so slow. 6 months ago my husband and I finally got a job working nights. To make up for those few months that we didnt pay any bills, we paid all of the property taxes. Ever since then its been harder and harder for us to live here. We give FIL money to help pay for bills as soon as we got paid. Everything was fine till all of the sudden they started wanting more. Last month my FIL used the money for his medication instead of bills. Then we wound up paying most of the bills for that month on top of what we already let him borrow. Now this month FIL asked if he could borrow money for his vehicle insurance. We let him. The other day we gave him half of all the utilities as always. He called us while at work asking for more. He hasn’t even payed the insurance money back yet. Without talking it over with me my hubby goes straight to the bank and withdraws the money. I have brought it up several times to my husband. He keeps saying he hates not to since we live here and FIL don’t make much. Yes, but MIL dont pay a dime on bills. She doesn’t have to pay anything but her car insurance. She blows the rest. She refuses to work a full 40 hrs a week because “it will cut into my beach time”. My SIL out of pity pays MIL’s cell phone bill and gas. We buy laundry detergent which MIL runs through as if it was water. And doesn’t hesitate to let me know we need more. Since we have so much money going out we can’t save anything to even think of buying or renting a home.

Also, my MIL gets on my last nerve sometimes. Like if I put my baby girl in lets say pink tshirt and jeans. she will say “She should wear…..today I think it would look better” or she will tell the kids the opposite of what I told them. Like I wont let my daughters wear anything that looks inappropriate. She will occasionally buy a shirt or something for them I dont approve of and gets mad when i wont let them wear it. We cant go to any of the kids events at school without her their taking pictures. Which is fine but not when she constantly stands in my view. I have taken lots of pictures with the back of her head in them. Telling her to please move makes it worse. My list could go on and on.

All of this causes so much problems in our marriage. My husband for some reason dont see much wrong with it. I on the other hand have been in prayer and tears many times over it.

My MIL is overly involved, but its because she and her husband have such a terrible relationship that she depends on my husband for emotional support. Many times I feel lime she is the “other woman” by relying On my husband to meet her need for companionship, physical labor, and emotional encouragement. He comes to me empty with nothing to give, cuz hes given it all to her. And if I say anything he defends her asking what I have against her. It has been very hard, and ive gone ahead and told her how I feel because my husband will not stop being there for her. It is inappropriate for her to be expecting him to be her emotional husband/best friend/girlfriend. When I shared with her my husbands lack of love and commitment to me, she very quickly told me it was because was overweight and he was disgusted by me. She has become manipulative and hard to have a conversation with. I fear my husbands devotion to her, because what will happen to him when she finally passes on?

I have 2 stories.
1. My husband’s brother married a gal whose mother never liked him. The wife and mom were close, and in their conversations the husband’s flaws vs old boyfriends’ strengths came up a lot. We thought it strange when even after many years of marriage and children, this wife recounted attributes of her old boyfriends to us! To make it worse, my BIL and his wife lived up the hill from my in-laws. My FIL is very demanding and selfish, and he picked on the wife! So eventually she divorced my BIL and has now remarried a man who is very controlling. I miss her and feel badly for her.

2. Regarding my controlling and selfish FIL.: neither my hubby nor I saw good communication modeled by our parents in their marriages, so we knew from the start that it had to be a priority for us. We also knew it could be “dangerous” to live close to my in-laws, though I loved my MIL dearly! (She was a real catalyst in my salvation and was a lovely mentor to me, though she died almost 20 years ago.) So when we eventually lived in the same state as our in-laws, we were far enough away for it to be a major haul to go see them, and the most my FIL could do in those days was she my husband’s articles and want ads via snail mail, trying to lure us to their area. Fortunately my husband had no desire to be near his dad, and so we were free to later move to yet another part of the country. We’ve always had a bit of pioneer/adventurous spirit in us and have followed “the road less taken”, if you catch my drift. We see life as an adventure with God and want to do whatever He leads us to do vs following the crowd. Hence 6 kids, homeschooling, and a very unusual career path for my husband. But we love our life together and are always trying to communicate honestly with each other.

My MIL loves me and I love her. Unfortunately she has become a (self inflicted) invalid since we got married. We have just celebrated 9 years yesterday and have a beautiful 4 month old girl. MIL is 75 and has to have my husband fix her medicines, which are too numerous, every week for her and do all her bills. She has gone downhill very badly and will not do anything that would help her get better. Her other son lives in Vegas and never never comes even when we think she’s dying. It is such a burden on my hubby especially since she is not very grateful for his help and refuses to help herself. There is not enough money to put her where she would be cared for properly, so we are kind of stuck. I have to say, he does put me first now MOST of the time. I used to be last on the list, or not even on the list, for the first 7 years. MIL would love for my husband to be under her thumb at all times. It’s almost a reverse Oedipus complex, without the sexual implications of course. So, MIL’s of baby boys, please let your sons go. You are not losing them, you are gaining a new family!

My husband and I have been married almost 22 years, and I could not have asked for a better relationship with my MIL. she was always kind and respectful towards me, and I felt like the daughter she never had rather than an in-law. She passed away three years ago, and I miss her dearly.

My problem is with my own mother. Early in my marriage she was critical of every decision my husband and I made together, and tried to be controlling and manipulative until we set boundaries. Of course she didn’t like that, and told anyone who would listen that my husband bullied me and took me away from her (he didn’t, and doesn’t). Then she and my dad moved 1800 miles away to be closer to my sister and my aging grandparents, and it was a revolution for our marriage! We would go to visit every few years with the children (it’s quite costly where they live) and kept in touch via phone calls. When my dad passed away in 2009, all was well with my mom for a bit, but then she started making snide comments towards me in public (Facebook) which grew progressively worse/more rude, and I deleted. When I tried to ask her what was wrong, she would say things like “Well if you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you.” And so on until I finally had to ‘unfriend’ her because of the verbal abuse. Then she proceeds to tell all my extended family how ‘selfish’ I am, and that I’m not the Christian I claim to be (that hurt the worst!). I found out through my Aunt that my mom said she felt like I had abandoned her and didn’t try to help my sister take care of her (even though I would ask how she was doing during every conversation). I asked mom how I could help, and again got the run-around. I asked my sister, and my sister said everything was fine. My Aunts suggested she move out of her big house to a more reasonable apartment, but she won’t hear any of it. She no longer talks to me, and I have given up trying to talk to her. Sheila, I can’t financially support my mother from halfway across the country, but that’s what she expects. I don’t know what else to do. Any advice?

My problem is that I tried allowing my MIL to live with us. My God that was a HUGE mistake she manipulated my husband so that he kicked me out 1 week to the day before Christmas. I didn’t run to my husband and tell him the conniving and manipulative evil things she was doing. I worked hard to stay in my own lane. If you didn’t do what she wanted you to do you became her enemy. She didn’t pay any bills but she ran the house as if it was her’s. My hubby and I have been working to get our marriage to the place it needs to be. He got a new job & moved 3 hours away and I spend a lot of time with him. We have made a choice to work things out as God would desire us to. Due to my health situations and the fact that my doctors and specialist are in the area he left he has decided to come back so that we can get to working on our marriage. Now he tells me that his mother is moving in with us I said “No the hell she isn’t she can go live with your single sister that’s where she needs to be” He claim she has changed and promised not to instigate in our marriage. I say its bull. Now she claims to have had some kind of surgery on her chest that none of her 5 kids know about but her & him. I said to him sweetheart your mother hasn’t changed this is proof She is using her manipulative tactics on you now she is healthy enough to get her own place or go stay with the single sister. He replies I just wanna be there for both of you I told him he can be there for her but I say no and i mean no. The part that’s funny but sad at the same time to me is this. She had her own SS apartment and I wasn’t allowed to come over with my husband when he went to visit lol. Then on top of that she went and made a brand new car note verses keeping her apartment. I simply told my husband that God doesn’t approve of him putting her before him or myself(his wife). Gods word is law. Your mother is causing an abomination in God’s eye. She has so much to say and don’t know what the situation is or isn’t. I told him that I detest the fact that he tells her things and then allow her to say things without him defending my honor and She being married 2 times previously should be in the position to counsel us and help us mold into a beautiful Marriage as God would approve. In stead she still burying her nose into the wrong business and I am well equipped to defend myself since he can’t stand up to her and put her in her place. My family isn’t all in our business even after the incident that happend the week before Christmas neither should she cause its not her place. Now he says we should divorce cause I said his mother can’t live with us. I told him to send me the papers. Its sad because he is in law enforcement and his mother mingles and work for convicted felons and drug dealers. She doesn’t care that she could reap havoc on his career she just don’t want to pay her own way. No one wants her to live with them because of her ways except the daughter she don’t wanna live with cause she can’t manipulate her or run her house. I smiled and told my husband God will have the last say so. Your mom needs to grow up and get a life if you were dead or lost your job what would she do or go then? Am I wrong for saying no? When I tried living under the same roof with her things got so bad I didn’t wanna go home and I slept in my car many nights. She isn’t worth my peace.

Just venting here…My husband and I are from different countries. In his culture it is common to have families living together in harmony. Well… my mother in law is “visiting” for 6 months…. I do not speak her language… I do no share that get along part of their culture. Also I suffer from OCD where everything needs to be in its place at all times or I get panick attacks. It is my belief that she knows that and is using it to cause fights between me and my husband. She has taken over my chores, does my laundry – her way – and it totally freaks me out. My husband has never understood my OCD and now it keeps getting worst. He even told me I was crazy a couple of times. Whenever I try to discuss this with him, he freaks out and says that I am against his mother and being a bitch to her. He doesn’t understand that I can’t have someone touch my laundry or change everything around all the time… my god… one month would have been more than enough…

I have an “in-law” issue I could really use some help with. We are not technically in-laws yet — and she is the reason why. I am 25 and my boyfriend is 29. We have been together for three years and the main reason we haven’t gotten engaged yet is because we CANNOT stop fighting about his mother. She lives five minutes from us. She got divorced 10 years ago (husband left her for another woman). Ever since her husband left, she has never picked herself up off the ground and tried to start living again. She has no life, no job, no boyfriend/husband. And she doesn’t want a life of her own. She prefers to live vicariously through her two adult sons and their girlfriends. She showers us with attention, gifts, affection, kindness because she is so terrified we will try to live our own independent lives and not include her as much as we do now.

We see her multiple times a week. She texts me and my boyfriend almost every day, about nothing at all! Just random little observations and thoughts that pass through her head. She invites us over for dinner several times a week and when it’s game day on Sunday in the fall, you bet we’re over there. Things that couples normally do together (think pumpkin picking in the fall, Christmas activities) she expects us to do them with her. She tries to organize things like this before we get a chance to plan a couples day doing it. She just wants us all to be big one happy family, with her at the center, all the time. And she talks to my boyfriend like he’s 10. If we have a formal event coming up she is on him about “did you get your suit dry cleaned? you need to take it to the dry cleaners, don’t forget” as if he can’t live his life without her guiding his every little move. If we go somewhere, like a day trip into the city or a wedding, I am instructed to take lots of photos of me and my boyfriend and text them all to her. She just wants to live our lives alongside us rather than getting her own life. She doesn’t realize that her son is pushing 30. She is so dependent on my boyfriend it makes me sick and it is the reason we aren’t married yet. I don’t know if I can deal with this!

I am at the point where texts from her and invitations produce a lot of anxiety. I have panic attacks and insomnia. My boyfriend and I battle over this all the time because I find her behavior so intrusive, interfering and unhealthy. Her attachment to him is so weird and I can’t make him see that. When I complain about her, he defends her and makes excuses for her and ends up mad at ME. He just doesn’t see how much she is coming between us by forcing herself into our relationship. I always come off as the bad guy because, while extremely overbearing, she is a very kind, generous and welcoming person. She has never said a bad word about me, and never would, and I believe she truly wants us to be good friends. This makes my boyfriend see me as the bully and her as the victim. I used to enjoy my relationship with her before she amped up the contact to daily texting. What can I do about this in the long run?? My boyfriend has spoken to her about toning it down, but I don’t believe she will change permanently. And I’m tired of him getting mad at ME for this. I’m really desperate for help here. Thanks

And what do you do, after having a heart to heart with your MIL that you thought brought you closer ended up in her using it as ammunition against you (and your parents) in a conversation with your husband? What if you literally cannot do or say anything for fear that your MIL will use it against you? How do you create a relationship with her? How can your family even have a relationship with her when everything everyone does is criticized?

My mother in law was great the first 8 years because She Really worked hard on our relationship. My own mother is a horror, so I thought I was the luckiest wife in the world. except for the first year before moved, we live 2300 miles away from the inlaws. After my son (now 13) was born, things changed. Her feelings “got hurt” several times because I had different ideas. I’d always be the one to apologize and make nice. After my FIL died she stopped videoconferencing with us each week – calls have gotten rare. Also, she got even more “sensitive.” Her daughters that live near her became more protective, and her older grandkids moved nearby and started having their own families. She still visited us, but she stopped trying to connect with me, focusing only on my son. Her feelings still “get hurt,” but last time she visited, she ran to her son to complain about me. I apologized again. The next time I invited her to visit she refused without giving any reason. (She’s never failed to offer an explanation before, so I’m pretty sure this is a message.) I called her so my son could talk to her on his birthday. now it’s summer and I didn’t invite her to visit, nor has she asked about our plans. And frankly, though she has spent nearly every Xmas week with us for 22 years, I’m inclined to make other plans this year. (We’ve always exchanged 3-4 visits a year.) Do I try to clear the air with her and rebuild the relationship? Or do I assume she is doing as she wishes and let whatever problem she has with me affect my family?

Hi, thank you for this article on something that I am currently dealing with in my own marriage.

My hubby and I have been married for the last 7 years and together for 10. The difference here I think is that we’ve had to live with his parents, due to our financial situation currently. My parents live over 1000 km away from us and I sincerely miss them, but we are not able to always go there to visit, due to our current situation. And I find now recently it’s been a difficult thing for me, one, because his mother is going through a challenge in her own marriage and possibly could face divorce and two, I have been feeling the need for us to move out on our own, but we have not been able to in so long.

And I honestly feel currently that our lives very much revolves around her and all she has to do. Thankfully we don’t have any children yet, but I strongly believe that the time is now for us to set boundaries. In fact we should have done this long ago.

Problem however is that she also very much relies on us to take her around to her work, shop, cook, clean ect. So it is almost like I am feeling trapped. We have 1 car, I have the license, we have been out of work for just over a month, but building a business on the side and she has the money.

A typical day in our life would be as follows:

We have a bedroom next to hers and generally we’d get up in the morning. Depending on who gets up first, they will have breakfast and then get ready. Then the rest of us get up to have breakfast and get to the bathroom. This is generally where the commenting would start.

Now most days, she has to go into the office. She runs a children’s home. So we all get ready to take her to the children’s home. The day starts at around 10 or 11 every 2 – 4 working days and we’d come home or run errands from 3 – 6, depending. My husband and I use the time to work on our business there or to study, but most times I feel like she is heavily infringing on our time and not asking us if we have any plans.

So by the time we get home, either one of us cook supper, we’d have supper and then clear the dishes. We help where we can most of the time. Then I’d go to our room to finally get to do a few things of my own and because I enjoy the quietness in our room. My husband sit at the dining room table in the lounge, working, where his mother would be sitting and watching some TV and they would talk. Most times she would complain to him how horrible people are, how difficult the situation is with the family (and I get that, but how long? – this is one other reason I don’t sit with them), or she would randomly throw at us the money issue and moan that we are not contributing or helping in the house, they also have discussion about the Word of God, my husband is very passionate about his faith and I love him for that, but I feel he should engage me more on that.

Now we’ve had discussed this issue about leaving and cleaving on several occasions, but I don’t feel that the dynamics would change anytime soon, and my concern is that she will always be having a say in our lives. I could really say a lot more, but this would give you an idea of what i am dealing with.

I sometimes feel that I could improve the relationship on my part, but I really need him to realize that our marriage takes first priority after God and we should really be building on our relationship with each other and us with her together more.