When we get married we’re supposed to leave and cleave–but what if your husband won’t leave his mother and father?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. Today we’re talking mother-in-law issues:
Reader Question
What do you do when your mother-in-law interferes? She will call the house and if I don’t answer she will call my husband at work and bug him about me not answering…She calls every evening around 7 when my husband is getting home. Most times I don’t even get a hello from him before she calls. Some nights she will keep him on the phone for up to an hour…Almost every Sunday she bugs us about going to church with them and she gets mad if we don’t go to their church. Every time we plan on going out something comes up (usually because of his mom) and we don’t. We have only been out once in the last year for our anniversary. I feel like I never see my husband and when I do his mom is involved. It is very stressful and it is causing a wedge between us. Please help!
Here’s another woman who is frustrated that her husband is still primarily concerned with his mother:
Reader Question
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have several children. We married quite young and went straight from our parents’ homes to married with a baby on the way. We’ve been through a lot in our marriage, but one thing that hasn’t changed is his tendency to choose his mom over me. If she wants us to do something and I do not want to, we do it. We have talked and argued and battled over this our entire marriage. When he does go along with something, he acts as if it couldn’t be helped. In the past I have tried to get him to go to counseling, but he “doesn’t like the idea”. I realize that this is a power struggle that I am in, but my life and marriage are being controlled by his mother. I am 33 years old, a mother myself, and do not want her dictating our lives. What do I do that is both pleasing to God and putting my foot down?
The Basics: What Does “Leave and Cleave” Mean?
Genesis 2:24 says,
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
When we get married, we leave behind our parents and we join with our spouse, becoming one flesh with them. We are a new unit.
That doesn’t mean that we aren’t to honor our parents; they deserve our love and respect and our help, especially as they age. But our primary allegiance is no longer to them; we’re supposed to identify first and foremost with our spouse.
This summer, after my husband walks our oldest, Rebecca, down the aisle, the minister will ask Keith and me and Connor’s parents if we are prepared to let our children go. I never thought much about that, but as the date draws near the enormity of it is hitting. I have to let Rebecca make her own choices. I can’t interfere. I can’t demand that she update me on what’s going on with school. I can ask, but it really needs to be her choice, and I need to be okay with that.
Our children’s engagement photo
I hope that she still wants to spend lots of time with us, but ultimately that is her decision, not mine. She and Connor will be the unit, and we won’t be a nuclear family in the same way again.
How Do You Talk About Leave and Cleave?
Usually when leave and cleave in-law issues come up, the conversation with our husbands focuses on the mother.
Let’s imagine the first scenario for a minute:
“Your mom called right as you came in the door again! I feel like I never get to talk to you. Instead of eating dinner with the family you speak all night with her. She is always interfering in our lives and taking you away from us!”
Now, what’s your husband going to think? He now is put in the position of either defending his mother or attacking his mother–neither of which is really comfortable for him.
What’s a better strategy for having this conversation? Offer him two things:
- A specific chance to help you
- A chance to plan with you
Let’s say the conversation instead looked like this:
“Honey, I feel like we’ve had so little time together lately because your mom has been calling so much. I love your mom and love the fact that you love your mom, but I’m feeling lonely. Can we talk about how to find time to feel more connected?”
Now the issue is no longer his mom–it’s the fact that you have a need that he can fill–and many guys like feeling like Captain America swooping in to save the damsel in distress.
You could also frame a conversation like this:
“I love your mom and so appreciate her role as grandma. I also really love our own nuclear family. Can we talk about what a great relationship with a grandma would look like, and what a great nuclear family would look like?”
Again, no blame is being placed. You’re not attacking his mom and asking him to choose sides. You’re just asking for some ideas. And as you have these conversations, you can say something like this:
“I’d like to write down what we’re saying so that we can refer to it later. What do you think is a reasonable amount of time to spend together with your family in the evenings? How often should an adult check in with their parents if they want to honor their parents? How many weekends a year should a family give their parents, and how many weekends should they take, just them? Can you think of a family that we know with a great relationship with their parents–but also as a nuclear family? How often do they spend with their parents? What makes that relationship great?”
Once you get these parameters written down, you can now refer to them when things get out of hand.
“Honey, I notice that you said you thought it was reasonable to check in with parents every other day for about twenty minutes, but in the last few days you’ve talked to your mom for an hour each day. How do you think we can move our family closer to what we want?”
These are the kinds of conversations that are often more productive. You’re not blaming, you define parameters, you set up goals which you you can easily see whether you’ve met or not, and you have something tangible to come back to if things don’t work.
Who is Responsible for Leaving?
It’s important that parents let their children go, but ultimately the child must decide to leave. And you can’t make that decision for your spouse. If your mother-in-law is taking a lot of your husband’s time, you can certainly talk to her. But your husband must be the one to set the parameters.
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
How Can You Build a Life with Your In-Laws?
It’s easier for him to set those parameters if you make an effort to love your mother-in-law and make your own relationship with her. If your husband feels as if he always must choose between two women who don’t like each other, you put him in a difficult position.
Romans 12:18 says,
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Do what you can to have a great relationship with your mother-in-law. Sometimes that won’t be possible, but try. Ask for recipes. Ask for her to teach you something. Ask if you can join a hobby with her, or take her shopping. Go get your nails done together on a regular basis.
If you can find a way to relate to your mother-in-law that does not involve your husband, you go so far in making it easier for your husband to leave.
I’m about to be a mother-in-law, and I’m starting to have some sympathy for the mother-in-law in these relationships. Here’s the thing: I believe that mothers-in-law often become interfering because they are desperately afraid of losing their child. And so you try to make sure that your son still loves you as his mom. You want to still feel special.
I know that I won’t worry about losing my daughter if Connor takes some time to get to know us individually. And that’s why we were so happy when he agreed to go on a father-son canoe trip coming up with my husband! If we feel as if our son-in-law loves us as individuals, and not just because he’s married to our daughter, then we won’t be nearly as concerned with our daughter proving her loyalty. And I’ve been so proud to watch how Rebecca is trying to reach out to her future mother-in-law, and put her at ease that she won’t take her son away from her. She gets it.
So reach to your mother-in-law. It may not take much–but if she knows you’re an ally, not a rival, then she may have an easier time letting go of her son.
What if Your Husband Never Chooses to Leave and Cleave?
What if you’ve done all of this and your husband is still at her beck and call?
Can you move away? I’ve known several marriages that have broken up that I’ve always felt would have survived if they had just moved away from her parents (in those cases it was SHE who wasn’t leaving, not HE).
If that’s not possible, you have two choices:
- Grow bitter about it and make his life miserable
- Decide to let it go and love your husband
I know that everyone would be better off if your husband learned to leave and cleave. But you can’t make him. You can seek out a mentor couple; you can ask for all of you to sit down with a counselor; you can even go to your pastor. But if things don’t change, what are you going to do?
I wrote a post a while ago about changing our attitudes when there’s one big area where your husband disappoints you–and you have to learn to accept it, and find ways to make your own life happy and peaceful anyway.
If you know that your husband is going to talk to his mom every night at 7 for an hour, then can you find something you do at 7 that you enjoy, so you’re not disappointed and stewing every evening? If you know that your mother-in-law is going to want your husband to help her with errands this Saturday, can you plan something fun for you and the kids so that you don’t end up making him feel guilty?
And if your mother-in-law wants you all to come do something with her, it’s quite okay on occasion to say, “I really need a weekend just with the kids. I’d love for you to join us, but if you feel you must go with your mother, feel free. But I think I’ll keep the kids here with me this weekend.” You don’t need to go along with everything; you can set boundaries yourself.
Keep expressing your feelings, as we talked about above, but ultimately you’re letting go and you’re letting your husband make his own decisions. Sometimes in that letting go he feels freed to look at the situation more objectively, because it’s not so emotional. He may decide that you look like you’re having a lot more fun without him–and he wants to join you! But even if he doesn’t, at least you’re not as miserable anymore.
Now it’s your turn: Let me know in the comments, have you ever had to set boundaries around in-laws? Or are you an in-law yourself and you’ve had to watch how you treat your adult children? Tell us any tips you have!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
For me I have a similar situation. But its my wife’s mother that always interferes. It feels like my wife cannot do anything without her mother being there. My mother-in-law that I tolerate and get along ok with is always a third wheel and always has to put her 2 cents into everything. Sometimes I really do wonder why my wife married me if she rather be with her mother.
I have a real problem with my husband’s mother. She wants to be involved in every area of our lives and thinks that she is entitled. She wont get her own life and tend to her own business and it is getting on my nerves. I cant take her. I told my husband that he needs to talk to her.
I know what that feels like. I’m having trouble with my mother-in-law as well. She always interfere and always be part of our decision in life, but always defend herself that she’s not meddling or whatever, that she’s just concerned and that she cares, but she is making me stressful and making our marriage life miserable. Keeps on pushing herself and all. I did talk to my husband before when he had troubles with his mom while we were far that she is his mother, but when I met her, she sure is more than a handful. She is just unbearable cause she wants to control everything and wants to be appreciated a lot based on my observation. She knows how to manipulate some people around her but I’m sorry I don’t want to be one of them.
If she’s really concerned and if she cares, she can’t force someone to do what she wants. You can’t make another persons life perfect if your life is miserable, cause what she’s been doing is choking other people. The meanest thing I can say is she should have married her son since she’s not focus on her husband and other children that she adopted.
same case with me. My MIL also interferes in every decision of life. Worst part is she always thinks she should be a priority in her son’s life always. I am longing for his priority and importance and he also updates everything to her and in every occassion treats her like she is the priority. it hurts me a lot.
same with me. Emotionally blackmails him. Our s is long distance marriage . We spent just around 30 days together. We were alone only for 6 days.
My husband is so awesome about this! He’s my hero. I love my MIL, but she is a very codependent person who has always just kind of “tolerated” me. She still acts like we’re dating and we’ve been married for 4 years.
She has been known to judge me for not being the traditional wife. Also, my husband is her favorite child, so she’s always had a hard time with him not being in her womb. He loves and respects her, but he always defends me. That’s huge for me and he knows it.
It is very hurtful knowing she speaks negativity to him when God brought us together. Marriage is hard enough and every family member needs to be cheering and pouring love into us, not slithering around like snakes trying to plant doubts.
I’m so grateful for my loving, devoted husband. Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to “let it go” Elsa-style if he didn’t regularly man up. Manipulating time (like the mother always calling when she knows he’s just getting home) is still manipulation. It’s controlling behavior. Marriage is the team. The only way to not be on our side is to oppose us, and if a husband willingly chooses that, the marriage is really to his mother. Oh Oedipus! Eww…
This is encouraging to read. My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. My relationship with my MIL really only became challenged when we came to Christ (5 1/2 years ago) and got pregnant with our first children, twins (5 years ago). She sent the whole pregnancy looking at ultrasounds and saying how the babies looked just like her. She was big on “giving advice” and telling me how I should change when that wasn’t really what we needed. We were, and are, very different parents then she was. She and her husband divorced shortly after my husband was born. Her oldest son left to live out of state with her ex husband and my husband decided to stay with her as he puts it “to make sure that she wasn’t left alone”. She’s had a series of unfulfilling relationships with unhealthy men. My husband makes mention that whenever he spends time with her it feels like she’s playing “house” with him. She professes to be a Christian as well, but does not live like a follower or Christ and her “beliefs” are much more feelings based versus the Truth based. This year, it’s all boiled over after I found out she said some very hurtful things about my family and myself to my husband’s family who lives out of state. My husband handled the whole situation very badly, and it affected us in a huge way. Now, he is having to be much more aware of “defending” me and our way of life. We now have 4 children 4 years old and under. Life is chaotic and exhausting normally, but when you add bad family relations to it, it has broken me. The Holy Spirit is holding me accountable to anger and resentment towards my MIL. It’s also holding me accountable to the fact that my Christian witness has probably been damaged with her because of these feelings. I like the idea of finding something to connect with her on outside of something involving the kids or my husband. I’m just going to have to pray through that because, honestly, I don’t want to be around her after she hurt me so badly. It’s hard to be around someone you don’t trust and cannot understand where they are coming from with their thought processes. I am going to start reading that Boundaries book today. I’ve been looking at it for 2 weeks, and today is the day. thank you for the encouragement and ideas on how to move forward.
My MIL stopped taking to us shortly after my husband and I and our 3 boys came to Christ and after we read the Boundaries Book and started learning to say “no” to her. Unfortunately, we found out that unless we continued to submit to her controlling and manipulating ways, she didn’t want anything to do with us. She wrote me a horrible email, accusing me of “turning her son and grandsons against her” and accusing me of always starting arguments with her, although I loved her for 14 years (I was very hurt!). She didn’t even have the number of years we were married correct in the email! She needed a “scapegoat” to blame (that would be me) for her son’s (my husband’s) new behavior- that of leaving & cleaving (Gen 2:24), boundaries with the ability to say no to her when he felt like it irregardless of her getting mad, his strength through the Lord to be his own man in his life & the leader of our home & make decisions for our family. In her mind, she thinks I’ve manipulated him and the kids, but she has no idea the strong spiritual leader he had become & continues to be, and as for the boys, they don’t want anything to do with a grandmother who could say such mean things to their mom (me)! It’s been 3 years and she has made no attempt to apologize and our life without her has just made our immediate family unit grow closer. The fact that she isn’t a Christian is a big deal too, as my husband once asked her to pray with him & she told him no! ? We know our lives are better off without the toxicity. It’s just sad that she can’t love us unconditionally. We now know exactly how NOT to be when we are the in-laws. We will love our boys unconditionally & not interfere. We fully understand the “leave and cleave” concept & we live our lives free of manipulation in relationships. We pray for the salvation of my husbands family members & we have forgiven their behavior (they could care less about their grandchildren, they are as selfish as they could be), and we have accepted that we are not going to be reconciling with them. God has given us so many new family members in our church family. They are the ones who are there for us & love us and our sons. Glory to God.
Well said Deena! I totally agree that the MIL calling at that time each and every night is a manipulation. That isn’t discussed in this article – it’s all about trying to find something else to do. Why shouldn’t the wife expect some time with her husband when he arrives home at night? I think in that instance he definitely needs to set some boundaries with his mother. She’s being very unfair.
Great article. I wish I had read it a few years ago. It took my husband around 5 years to tell his mother her hysterical behaviour was no longer going to be tolerated. He told her we were putting boundaries in place and she could respect that or not see us or her grandchildren. This was a judge shift for him after going to marriage counselling as I told him I couldn’t cope with her behaviour any more. Up until then he had told me to ‘sort it out’ with her. I’m a mother of boys and I have had a very good lesson from her on what not to do. I just hope I can ‘let go’ gracefully when the time comes!
My husband and I have been married for several years. My husband did seek out counseling to learn how to approach his mother and family who have done some incredibly hurtful things especially on days that should be the best days of our lives (threatening not to attend our wedding, not coming to the hospital to meet our child, not attending baby dedication). After a year of couseling, my husband had a conversation with his mom and his siblings to ask for forgiveness for any disrespect, to clarify boundaries and to work on their communication. It’s been a very slow process, but things are improving. My husband is like a new man who appears more confident and less ashamed. He has learned to find his own voice. While we still have a long way to go on this journey, but all the hard work has been worth it. We have learned that God’s way is really the best way- so he has honored our decision to do the right thing. But it was ultimately my husband who had to WANT the change and work on himself- I couldn’t force anything. Just pray that God will help you husband or wife see.
this sounds a lot like our situation. my husband is very much a servant, & since my MIL is a young widow, she obviously needs his help. however, it came to the point that i felt we needed to set healthier boundaries if our marriage was going to survive the distance. my husband was wonderful & agreed to counseling even though the mental work of it as well as the time from his work schedule really were sacrifices. it was amazing! good, Christian counseling is such a wonderful tool, & i have come to realize that whether it’s a big or small difficulty, i think counseling should be used more often & not be viewed as such a serious issue; having a third party was vital in helping us resolve the MIL dilemma. while we are still currently new at implementing this healthier boundaries, i really feel like we’ve come to a good place & that we understand ea. other’s positions better & what makes us tick as individuals. i thank God for working in our marriage & in ea. of our hearts through the counseling process!
Argh!! This post is perfect, but a day late. My Hubby and I got into it a bit on Saturday night over something so silly I feel embarrassed about it right now. We got in a small about… wait for it… dinner time. Yes, dinner time. Quick background: I have OCD and one of the compulsions is to keep a schedule. I have been working very hard and now schedules are a thing of the past for basically ever aspect of our lives but one: dinner time. Also, my in-laws are living with us to get back on their feet, and they are late people: they go to bed late, they wake up late, and they eat late. To compromise I have asked that dinner be between 6:30 pm and 7 pm. The reason for this is that the days I work at the office lunch is at 11:30 am and meetings start at noon until the end of the day so no time for a later lunch. By the time 6 pm arrives I am very hungry. Also, my 3 year old is usually also very hungry by 6:30 pm regardless of when lunch has been. I also feed out 1 year old at 6:30 pm so it would be nice to eat as a family. However, my in-laws, like I said, are late people. Dinner is usually decided at the last minute, and then bought. I have tried a menu, but have received tons of griping about it regardless of getting input from my in-laws. So, slowly dinner has moved later and later until it finally came to a head on Saturday when dinner was at 8 pm, which is a half hour before bedtime! Our 3 year old was hungry, crabby and getting yelled at because he was just being 3 and hungry.
This frustrates me to no end because this is supposed to be my house, and it is the only thing I have asked be maintained at the time I had it set. I will admit, at my worse with OCD schedules were very strict, but I have been working on it and now the only thing I ask to be at a set time is dinner. My in-laws do not want to change, and my husband is no help. He tells me it is just not going to be possible to eat when I and the kids are hungry. I do not want to do two different dinner times, but I will if it is what is going to keep the peace and full bellies.
Oh good grief! Who says you have to cook THEM dinner? Is that part of a rental agreement? If you were running a boarding house (or bed and breakfast), meals would be at a set time and if you didn’t make it, you didn’t make it.
You have every right to set the meal time in your own house. Who says they have to eat with you? If they are late, they can fend for themselves. You run your own tight ship and they can just figure it out. They snooze, they lose. END OF STORY.
That is where the whole “leave and cleave” comes in, I guess. Either that or I am way off base here, which I accept. But if we do not have dinner together than I must be mad at people, then my mother-in-law gets moody, and my hubby gets mad at me. Somehow it gets so mixed up that I end up having to apologize to my mother-in-law because I was hungry (and the kids were hungry), and so I ate earlier with the kids. I know a lot of the issue is having my in-laws living with us (they have changed the whole flow of the household), but right now I am unsure how to change things because it gets thrown back in my face that I went through a very difficult time for a few years (yes, that is right, years. it took a while to get as good as I am {and I hope I get better than I am now!}).
Tell the in-laws to get a mini-fridge and a microwave or toaster oven to keep in their room. These can be found cheap on craigslist. Tell them to prepare their own food. Not only that, but they need to be contributing, if not financially, then w/ home care or something else useful, per 1 Thess 4:11. You can’t always get respectful or kind behavior, but you will generally get the behavior that you accept. If you accept being guilted, over-worked, and verbally shamed, then you will probably keep getting that behavior. THEY are in the wrong! What I’m trying to say is that they aren’t going *volunteer* kinder, respectful behavior, but you do have power to and authority to direct them to better things. You don’t have to keep smiling and apologizing for things you didn’t do wrong just to “keep the peace.” It’s your house, and you’re doing them a favor! If the bad behavior continues, take Matt 18 to heart and get a 3rd party moderator. Not to go between the in-laws and you, but your husband and you. Because his first responsibility is to you, not them. And I hate to say this, but depending on where you live, you might have to get a lawyer as well, to get them out of your house. Some places have laws that are pro-tenant, and even if that tenant is a free-loader, it can be difficult to get rid of them.
Wow. That sounds really rough. I am sorry that they are treating you like that. When I imagine myself in your shoes, I see how ganged up on you must feel – especially since you have to live with them constantly. It could be hard to put your foot down when you are being made to feel like the unreasonable one. It honestly sounds like they are verging on emotional abuse territory. I’ve had to put my foot down lots of times in my marriage, and it is usually not pleasant. When I first got married, I was so afraid of doing something that would mean any kind of separation from my husband (think feeling desperately clingy). It took me a long time and a lot of hurts to be able to take a risk and do anything that might push him away while not also making myself miserable because I couldn’t be with him.
It’s hard to put up a boundary and say you won’t do something when you are a people-pleaser – especially when you know they will be angry and especially when your husband doesn’t have your back. I REALLY think you need to say, “Heck no, this is MY house and you will respect me. I will not be berated and falsely accused. I told you my rules, and if you can’t follow them, then you need to make other arrangements. I am not your servant.” Don’t let them get you all worked up. I was reading proverbs last night, and this part brought people to mind that I know that just like to get everyone all worked up with them: Proverbs 29:8 “Mockers stir up a city, but wise men turn away anger.” If they try to fight with you, just keep confident and silent. Don’t let them stir you up or make you budge. It’s okay to say, “I’m sorry, but I will not dignify that with a response.” Then go about your evening. It’s a hard thing to let go emotionally (you can’t dignify their comments with an emotional response, either), but they will eventually know you mean business if you are consistent.
Like other people have said, you have to put boundaries. These people are mere houseguests even though they are “family”. You need to put your foot down and set the rules if your husband won’t open his mouth. Your main priority is to your child(ren) and if they are hungry at a specific time they eat at that specific time no matter what your “houseguests” say. It sounds to me like your husband has yet to decide what side of the court he wants to play on. No offense.
Well said.
Definitely eat dinner when it’s good for you! You’re the one working, and you have a 3-year-old. If worst comes to worst, cook just for you and your husband and let them fend for themselves. Nothing wrong with setting boundaries there, especially if you’re the one doing your in-laws a favour!
I understand your frustration. Baby Girl is 5 and she wants to eat dinner at 17:30 – even 18:30 is too late for her, and 20:00 is practically her bedtime, so definitely too late. I think that you should say dinner will be served at 18:30 – and if they’re not there, they lose out. It is your home, your schedule and even with OCD, eating at 18:30 is not being unreasonable with little ones. Its perfectly inline with raising children. In fact, I think they’re not being as generous as they should be in a situation where there are little kids involved and family meals are vitally important for their growth.
Girl, make dinner when you want to eat, eat with your family, and what ever is left for your in laws, put it on two plates for them, put some clear wrap over it and sit it on the counter for them when they are ready. That’s what I do. My MIL doesnt like “leftovers”…. I said, “I dont like wasting food cooking twice or cleaning the kitchen twice. That’s why we eat at 5. Your meal was not a leftover at 5″…. she now eats at five.
I sympathize, my MIL lives with us and is completely capable of doing everything for herself. Having said that, I have OCD as well, but mine is more on cleanliness. My husband is the same way, the problem is she is not anymore (yes she was before she moved in). What she does is make a mess everywhere and then complains that I don’t clean or cook. She has done many other things, trying to turn my husband against me, it’s manipulation. The problem is my husband doesn’t see it and is a non complacent person by nature. He won’t defend me and often times comes in the door and says hi to his mother nicely, then greets the dogs, and either says nothing to me or snaps at me for something I have moved or not done etc. I have told him that she needs to go live with her daughter, who by the way, wants her to live with her. Her daughter is single, alone , and has a lot of money with a large home for both of them to live in. My MIL knows this and says she doesn’t want to live with her daughter. She is completely capable of living on her own as she had preferred and done her whole life. I am the one who actually said she could live with us after she had lived with her other son and his wife of 30+years, but then they started having marital problems due to the MIL living with them. I tried to do a nice thing, and now I’m stuck with her manipulating to get the attention on her and it is becoming a real problem for our marriage.
Oh in-law issues, I know thee well. 🙂 My husband is his mother’s only child and they were VERY close his entire life. Co dependently close. That was his normal, so he really didn’t know how unhealthy it was. He thought my family was unhealthy for a while because we’re pretty chill and not all up in each other’s business. It started causing problems during our engagement, when his mom would give him extended guilt trips about things we were or weren’t doing in our wedding. Not that my mom was perfect either – her flaw was being way too controlling with the wedding plans. We both agree we love being married but we are really glad we don’t have to plan our wedding again!
The biggest problem we encountered was unmet expectations. My in-laws sort of expected life would go on the way it had always gone on, that I would just meld into their family dynamic and automatically be super close with them and tell them everything and like all the same things they like. Well, that’s obviously not how it went. I’m a much more private person. I believe some things are just between me and my husband. My in-laws – my mother in law specifically, my father in law was a fair bit more understanding – took that to mean I didn’t want to have a close relationship with them. My mother in law would call my husband when she knew he was on a break from work or driving and complain about me. And my husband didn’t stop it. Which really ticked me off. We battled hard about this for a few years before things started to improve. My husband realized he had to be the one to set the boundary, and was he more afraid of hurting his mom’s feelings or of hurting his marriage? So he started letting her know, gently yet firmly, that those kinds of things were not okay any more. She may not understand me (she’s an extreme extrovert, I’m definitely an introvert, she comes from the June Cleaver generation and literally does everything for her husband and keeps her house spotless, I come from a generation that believes God gave our husbands two hands and two feet and is perfectly capable of getting his own drink from the refrigerator if I’m up to my elbows in dishes or laundry or cooking dinner for the family as our kids run around leaving a trail of destruction behind them), but just because I’m different than her doesn’t mean I’m some horrible broken mess of a person. I’m just DIFFERENT. And her son loves me.
My husband also had to re-set his expectations. In his mind it was okay to share everything with his parents. I mean EVERYTHING. To the point that it was embarrassing. He’s learned over time that there are a lot of things that are perfectly fine to share with his parents, but certain things like the day to day details of our finances? Not so much. And also that it is never ever okay to indulge them in a gripe-fest about me behind my back. I am not perfect, my husband is not perfect, and we are fully aware of that and we are constantly growing and maturing and working on our issues. We don’t need a peanut gallery detailing all of my flaws.
Our eighth anniversary is coming up soon and things are so much better. Yes there will always be things about my in-laws that drive me nuts, but is it a hill worth dying on? Not usually. Everything has come into a much more moderate state and overall there is peace. And they are wonderful grandparents to our children. 🙂
I empathize with these readers. My mother-in-law strongly dislikes me. She cannot be in the same room with me without saying some snide or snarky comment about my parenting choices, my housekeeping, even the fact that as a young person, I like to wear distressed jeans. She once went into a tirade to imply that I was a bad mother because I fed my baby baby food from a jar rather than fixing a meal, and blending it up the way that she *had*. Her memory of her own child rearing is faulty, because aunts and uncles clearly remember the jarred baby food they fed my husband as a baby when he spent the night with them, the food that she bought and packed for him. At this point, I know that my mother in law is actually quite childish at heart and behaves like a bully. She did, however, raise a very wonderful man, for which I have to respect her for. At this point, I just grin and bear it, and secretly laugh a bit inside that an adult woman would act as she does over really stupid things. MILs really seem to want for their sons, exact copies of themselves. If mothers were enough, men would never need to leave home and find a wife of their own. Some mothers seem to really have the idea that they can feed, clothe, launder, and baby their grown sons, and all a wife really does is have sex with said son. After all, the DIL cannot cook properly, has terrible housekeeping habits, and is spoiling her children.
Personally, I feel the direct route is best. If your husband feels that he needs his mother so badly that he allows her time to interfere with your time as his wife, invite your husband to move back home with his parents. That should get the point the across. If, though, it is more a case of a son trying to escape the guilt trips of a mother-turned-tyrant, by spending inordinate amounts of time with/about her, maybe a better approach is to schedule son/mom time. Sheila is dead on about the mother fearing she is going to lose her son. One way to combat that AND set boundaries, is to give mom a specific time she can call, and a specific day she can spend with her son. Request that your husband talks to mom on the drive home from work, or after you put the kids to bed for 15 minutes or so. Request that your husband set aside a few hours on a convenient day to hang out with his mom. Later, if everyone is okay with it, the rest of the family can spend that time together. In this way, mom is not overflowing into the life of her grown kids in a way that puts their relationships and marriages in jeopardy.
I think this is one of those lessons us mistreated DILs must learn in order that we treat our own future DILs and SILs with respect and dignity. A stable and secure marriage only strengthens our children and adds to their happiness. Also, we have to raise our sons to not be helpless couch dwellers. So much of the battle with my MIL is the fact that I have a team attitude toward marriage and housework, where she has that women-should-work-outside-the-home-AND-do-all-housework-and-cooking attitude. I am not a maid or a domestic servant. She cleaned up after her husband and son. She was upset and put out when she learned that, upon occasion, her son actually did a load of laundry and washed dishes. The earth shook and quaked. I teach my kids to clean up after themselves as part of being responsible, and that all the family has duties and responsibilities around the house, as part of being ‘family’ and ‘community’. It is important to me that I do the right thing and learn this lesson about MILs so that I will be a helpful, supportive, and open MIL when it is my turn.
This post was helpful but hit a nerve with what I’ve been emotionally working through lately — my in-laws aren’t clingy or manipulative necessarily in this sense, but they see their kids as still part of their nuclear family and the daughter-in-laws as just pulled right in — on several occasions when they ask the kids to do something for them or for another family member that we can’t financially or feel comfortable with biblically (a sister is “needy” due to some choices that she has made and is not repentant) They insist that we need to rally and support and if we (as wives) object, they just say, “well, the Bible says you leave and cleave to your husband, so this is your family now.” Fortunately my husband doesn’t agree that we have to do everything they say, but it is still hard to counter this and it has caused alot of strife. Now they are telling us that they are ready to retire and have given us a list of their expenses to divide up with their kids — they have 10 children and have always “joked” that they are their retirement, but they arn’t joking. This is really very hard as we are trying hard to budget, and I certainly knew we would end up helping financially, but they literally just turned 65 and they are just planning on letting the kids take over. They have nothing basically because my FIL has never been able to hold down jobs for long (much in part to a personality issue) so its very frustrating but at the same time we can’t let them starve either. Its just really hard finding a balance and boundaries!
It sounds like your in-laws are abusing the Word and their family.
For one thing, Gen 2:24 specifies that the MAN leaves his family and becomes one flesh with his wife, and is repeated in Mark 10:7. So the in-laws need to back off, way off.
Also, your in-laws are way out of line expecting that their off-spring should support them just because they feel like “retiring.” No, Ex 20:9 says “six days shall you labor and do all your work” the command is about resting on the Lord’s day, but you’re supposed to work six days (times of feasting and rest are addressed elsewhere, but not year-round!), and to add to this, we know that in 2 Thes 3:10 that “if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either.” But note the next verse: ” For we hear that there are some among you who live in idleness, mere busybodies, not working at all.” (“busybodies?” could that apply to some people’s in-laws?) and then v. 12, too! “Now, concerning those who are such, we command and exhort by our Lord Jesus Christ that they quietly work and eat their own bread.” We are supposed to take care of our parents when they are too feeble-minded or feeble-bodied, but not when they are being lazy and rebellious. We should not encourage that kind of behavior, and certainly not subsidize it. Furthermore, we also know that parents should save up an inheritance for their children and grandchildren (Prov 13:22 & 17:2), which you could remind them of if you want to goad them a bit (not that I would recommend that), but also to keep in mind, so that you do not end up disinheriting your own children and grandchildren due to subsidizing your in-laws profligacy.
Great comment, Mina! Thank you. Love what you said too about how if we give too much to parents who really shouldn’t need it we end up robbing our own children and grandchildren.
Thank you Mina 🙂 Yes, I do know those passages well, and also think they completely apply (and know several are being “reinvented to fit their views), however, if I was to actually bring them up they would very likely be contested with some other obscure and misused scripture or thrown back in my face somehow 🙁 They are very big on respect and obedience, even with grown children and needless to say there is often a lot of disagreements.
Thank you Mina 🙂 Yes, I do know those passages well, and also think they completely apply (and know several are being “reinvented to fit their views), however, if I was to actually bring them up they would very likely be contested with some other obscure and misused scripture or thrown back in my face somehow 🙁 They are very big on respect and obedience, even with grown children and needless to say there is often a lot of disagreements. Fortunately my husband is very responsible not to put our family in financial jeopardy with his parents but we definitely don’t have anything left over for “family fun” usually either — so family experiences with our children is affected.
Well, like KTW said below in comment #9, you set your own boundaries: “We are going to do X.” “This is how it’s going to be.” No being upset. No desperation in your voice. Cool, calm, collected, and firm is what gets it done. Then move on. It is not an issue to discuss. It’s hard to have a one sided argument. If you get any complaints, just don’t say anything and move on as planned.”
I thought that was great advice. Ultimately you and your husband get to decide whether your follow your interpretation of Scripture, or your in-laws. And what example you set for your children to live with in their future families. So if you prefer to give up “family fun” to keep the “peace” (which doesn’t seem particularly peaceful), then that’s up to you. But own it – if it’s your choice to spend your discretionary money on his parents, then that IS your “family fun.” So to speak.
Yep! 100 times yep.
Oh, Trisha, that is hard! But honestly, I don’t think that we are called to support lazy parents. “He who does not work does not eat.” At 65, if you’re relatively healthy, you can still eat. Otherwise, Social Security may be enough for a small bachelor apartment they could live in together. I think they should still live within their means, personally, especially if they didn’t hold jobs well.
Sheila, may I first say how much I appreciate you and your blog– it has been an incredible blessing and encouragement to me since I found it this past year 🙂 Thanks for your encouragement here–I’m not really sure if anything can be done, but I’m definitely praying for my attitude 🙂 In our very happy marriage, his parents are pretty much the source of disagreement if it comes up 🙁 Maybe because I have questioned things and been too critical too much, but now we don’t discuss it much because he’s really sensitive about it. I agree that they should live within their means and could probably do so, but now they are discussing purchasing a new truck (and my husband vetoed a brand new one) so they can travel around the country and also want to buy land out west to build a house. Sadly I don’t have to wonder whose money they are planning all of this with 🙁
Wow! What a sense of unreality they must have. Well, I guess they can always purchase the truck and the land–but you can make it very clear that you will not be helping, and that you will not help with other bills if they choose to spend their money that way. How awful!
it is definitely an unreality and we will have to break that to them, but they have lived their lives with the sense that “God provides all our needs-!” which is true, but the reality for them is that, yes, God worked, but it was the neighbors or friends that put food on their porch when they didn’t have the next meal, and while I understand we give thanks to God for what he gives, its also grateful to acknowledge the people that sacrifice to meet those needs. Like your children that you are expecting to budget away their kids college funds so you can “plan” a dream retirement and then just say, “oh, look how God provided all these wonderful things . . .” Like I said, I’m working on my attitude 🙂 But it still needs to be dealt with lovingly.
Unfortunately it’s a long term issue that’s not easy to resolve- several of the sons have been supporting the family since high school. As in, they were encouraged to go out and get part time jobs to help pay for food and bills. I understand the old idea of “helping out on the family farm” concept where kids did work so that extra help didn’t need to be hired- but this just seemed to go way beyond just chores. After they were married they stopped steady financial support as they were not able to keep it up the same with new responsibilities, which really disgruntled my inlaws and they continued to ask for “help” whenever a need came up. My husband and I settled on a “no-handout” policy and when they needed money we would find some project for my FIL to do in exchange for payment- it felt weird to have to do this with a parent but they were agreeable to it and its worked out so far But now the retirement issue has come up and it looks as though the responsibility is going to fall on the shoulders of only a few of the siblings (ours included) as some arn’t financially capable, etc, so it’s really a strain and a frustration. I know there may not be an easy answer but it’s so hard and angering to see my husband and siblings placed in a position of guilt and duty that I don’t really feel is right.
When we had been married 3 months, one of the new husbands from our premarital counseling group passed away unexpectedly and it tore me up. It was just so close to home and it took me a long time to be able to look at the young widow and not imagine myself in her shoes. My husband and I went to the funeral, along with his mom, and even knowing what a hard time I was having, he held HER hand the whole time and basically ignored me. That was a rough day and it caused some issues. A few months later, we drove the 20 minutes to his parents house for a family meal and we were expected to spend the night. My hubby and I got into a big fight in the driveway (in the car) and when we finally went into the house, my in-laws suggested we needed to go see our pastor. We did, and he told us that what he was seeing was a newly married couple on different shifts who desperately needed some real time together. Without parents. We worked on that, but family trips are still big to my MIL. At one point, I actually told her that I felt like they claimed all our vacation time and when we went away, we couldn’t even have sex because we were in a room with 8 other people! We recently moved away and this next week will meet up with everyone for a vacation in a cabin in the mountains and I’m really excited. Now that my husband has made the choice to leave, I can rest easy and not be so defensive.
There is a really simple solution to that first email. If she calls every night when he gets in the door, simply answer the phone first and say, “I’m sorry, but he is not available right now. I will have him call you back later.” Ask for your husband’s cell phone when he comes in the door and establish that when he comes home it’s “family time.” He can talk to her on the drive home everyday. I’m a big believer in just saying “this is how it’s gonna be.” The “conversation suggestions” Sheila gave were too wishy-washy. You have to say, “This is family time.” “We are going to do X.” “This is how it’s going to be.” No being upset. No desperation in your voice. Cool, calm, collected, and firm is what gets it done. Then move on. It is not an issue to discuss. It’s hard to have a one sided argument. If you get any complaints, just don’t say anything and move on as planned.
My husband and I don’t have many in-law problems, but I know that he does talk to his mother every single day and has done so since I met him. Usually it’s on the way home from work. He is adamant, though, that I come first and if I call him he will usually get off the phone from his mother to answer. I do my best to do the same for him whenever I am on the phone with someone. I am blessed, though, that neither of our parents interfere unless invited. (My husband never says anything bad about me to his mother, but he does call my mother to tell on me! lol)
I strongly agree with this advice. Husband & I have had a certain amount of stress from both sides of our families. We began setting our limits, and sticking with them. We rarely even explain ourselves anymore. “No, we’re not travelling for the holiday.” “No, we can’t talk on the phone now.” If we get any push-back or “guilting”, we withdraw more. It’s worked beautifully to evaporate drama.
I’ve been married for 9 years and have struggled with a controlling mother in law the whole time. She is at our house every weekend from 6 am to 4 pm, “helping my husband” She used to come in the house and “help” me by cleaning- ie throwing away everything of mine, rearranging cupboards, and telling me what a slob I am. Since we have had children things have gotten much worse. She smokes and my children and I are deathly allergic to smoke of any kind- just the smell of smoke on someone’s clothes causes asthma attacks, ear infections, and months of coughing fits, nebulizer treatments, prednizone to get over it for the children. My Dr. has said that he considers it child abuse if I let them be around her, but if I ever leave them with him so I can have a few hours to myself he lets her come over and see them. My son had his first asthma attack at 3 months old and my daughter at 6 months old, both after seeing her. My son is now 5 and has had over 80 ear infections since he was born. I have asked my hubby to put his foot down and set boundaries with her about the children at least, but every time he does she threatens to kill herself because she can’t live without seeing them. My hubby feels guilty and gives in. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to be with the children 24/365 to protect them and then get called the B word and worse because I am so horrible and won’t let her see them. Together they have schemed and purchased him a new $60,000 truck, horse trailer, and he quit his job, all without him telling me or listening to my opinion, since I am the one who has to help make the payments. Her name is on our house and for 8 years my name wasn’t even on it. He tells her everything, including intimate details about our sex life and talks on the phone or texts her up to 100 times a day. I wish just once he wold choose his family over her. He will not go to counseling.
This is twisted. You need to get counselling, maybe even from someone who has experience w/ severe personality disorders. Go alone if you have to. Don’t forget to mention to the counselor about the issue w/ smoke allergies & your pediatrician’s warning. And take *that* warning seriously. What are you going to do if CPS shows up at your door?
I am so appreciative of Sheila’s blog, and other helpful blogs, but sometimes you can’t get the help you really need from a blog, even if there is a lot of wisdom. Sometimes we need to see a professional who can get messy in our lives. Do it for your marriage, and for your kids!
I would agree, Mina. This is a really serious thing–and the husband needs to understand that he cannot endanger the kids like that. I had a cousin with extremely severe allergies and her parents took it very seriously and eventually she grew out of them. But they did treat them well.
I do agree with you and I have done everything in my power to keep my children away from her and to take them to the Dr. and keep them on their meds. I am currently seeing a counselor for depression ( no surprise there, right?) and we have been discussing the MIL situation. My hubby has talked to our Dr., My Dr. has written a note for my MIL to see, nothing really changes, she says I have him wrapped around my finger to say that. My hubby knows what he needs to do and tell her no to seeing the kids until she stops smoking completely (she has never smoked around them only at her house- outside) but the 3rd hand smoke from her body and clothes is enough to set us all of. But he just will not do it. There is nothing I can do to change things, it has to come from her quitting, or him standing up to her. The only alternative I see right now is leaving him, but then he would have the kids sometimes and I am sure she would be around and they would be exposed. My Dr. is willing to tell the court but isn’t sure the judge would agree with him about endangering them. I am at a loss at what to do to change things. . . maybe leaving him would be a wake up call, but I don’t believe in divorce.
No, I’m not surprised that you’re seeing someone for depression. 🙁 That said, you might need a different counselor, because it seems like the problem isn’t your depression, but that your depression is a side-effect of a toxic family which your counselor may not know how to address. Some professionals are better suited for some things than others: some doctors are better than others, esp. with certain health problems. Some electricians are better than others, some mechanics are better than others, etc. Perhaps you need a counselor better suited to toxic family relationships than the one you’ve been visiting. I don’t know, it’s just a thought.
Now, imagine this scenario: Sheila posts a reader question, “Dear Sheila, my husband’s brother comes to our house every weekend. While he’s here, he sometimes wrestles my children, holds them down, crushing their diaphragms so that they can’t breathe. It’s causing severe health problems, and my pediatrician says it’s child abuse, but my bil is always giving my husband money so my husband won’t intervene.” What would you tell that reader? Sit patiently and pray and hope no permanent damage is done? What happens if permanent damage IS done? Remember the story of Nabal the fool, and Abigail (1 Sam 25).
It’s not true that there’s nothing you can do to change things. It just might be that it’s time for hard decisions. It’s probably time to go to your church leadership, per Matt 18. They actually do have some authority over your husband. It’s their calling to protect the sheep from bad doctrine and from wolves. While I would really focus on prayer and counsel right now (from counselor or elder/pastor), as well as being in Scripture, it might come to you having to leave for a while. That doesn’t mean it will come to divorce, though, because God can use this time to intervene. That’s what God’s people are for – helping each other, including from the traps laid by dysfunction and wicked decisions. And if you do move out, to *protect* your children, and your husband moves on (or back in with mommy), then it is HE who broke faith with you, not the other way around. Also remember, that while Mal 2:16 says that God hates divorce, it goes on to explain why: because he “does violence to the one he should protect” (NIV). Is your husband dealing with YOU treacherously, by choosing his mother over you? Is he doing violence to you and the children by allowing a woman to injure you & your children, and your ability to even breath? God does not hate divorce *in the abstract,* He hates people who commit acts of wickedness, especially against women and children.
Please, please get help.
Mina, that’s wonderful! All your comments are very wise. Thank you.
Yeah not cool.
If she threatens to kill herself you should check her into a phych ward.
It probably is manipulation and not a real threat. Which is truly horrible btw. But assuming she’s actually in such a fragile mental state that the thought of not seeing her grandkids 24/7 makes her suicidal, putting her in inpatient for mental health issues would be doing everyone, including her, a favour.
I am so glad I am not alone! And I am so glad for the advice. It makes perfect sense to me.
My husband is a wonderful man, but telling his mom “no” just doesn’t happen. Like she was raised, she raised her kids to stay with her, and since my husband is her favorite and successful, etc. she cannot stand that he doesn’t do all he does, for her. I have a decent relationship with her, after years of abuse from her, but ultimately she is in hopes that one day I will go away and leave my husband and the kids with her. She and I are “friends” but anytime I try to move that relationship forward it gives her the motivation to put my husband in the middle. She has gotten better over the years, but she just can’t seem to help herself. The best way for us to handle it is to keep ourselves separate and visit from time to time, but when we allow her too much into our lives, she wants to push the door down. We actually did move a good 30 miles away, but recently thought about moving back to our hometown. When that decision was being made, my MIL showed her hand just a tad too early and we shut the whole move down. At this moment, though, because I was forming a stronger friendship with her over backyard chickens (we both have a flock each) and the move, I am storing 4 large items in my home that belong to her. One of these items is the ugliest grandfather clock, in the world (there’s also a potential legal issue with this clock that just makes it so much worse). I had no say in the matter. These decisions were made without me and I am hurt by it, but I’m trying to let it go, because what can I do? I’ve told my husband how I feel, but they’re still here so my only defense is to be kind but put some communication distance with my MIL in place. I know it may seem silly to be upset over a clock (and other items) in my home, but this is about control on her part. She wants her stuff here because then she can have control over our home. Trust me, this isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with this very situation. Both she and my GMIL use stuff (or in the case of my BIL, money) to gain control. My husband knows this is a problem for him. We were both raised by bullies so I understand him, too, but it doesn’t make it less hurtful when ultimately the choices are made without consideration to our home and lives.
Thanks for the insight.
The boundary-setting never ends, and you have to remain watchful. We had finally gotten the relationship where we wanted it, when the in-laws planned a large anniversary (theirs) trip for all of us. Since they were paying, we were all stuck doing what we were told. It was a great trip for the most part, but it reset everything. My hubby is 1 of 3 kids. The other two live out of state while we live in the same town. We had to begin all over again setting boundaries because they couldn’t seem to understand that we expected to return to our previous boundaries at home. Five years later, we did it all again with another anniversary trip and had to reset things once we returned. Sometimes it is awkward and frustrating, but if we give an inch, they’ll take a mile. It’s worth the occasional awkwardness to avoid building resentment.
While I haven’t had some of the majorly extreme in-law situations, there have been plenty of opportunities to crucify my flesh, so to speak, and choose to love when I would have MUCH rather “shared” my feelings. To many, my mil would seem extreme. The past 20 some years of marriage haven’t been years of continual in-law bliss. I have had to stop and consider whether remaining in my marriage was the healthiest life for my children because of in-law relations. We live in the same area and work together in a generational family business; not being around each other isn’t a viable option. Realizing that not being with their father would be more detrimental than beneficial, I had to do something so that our family wouldn’t be ruined.
Over the course of years, a few things have been very helpful to me. One thing has been to remember that if it hadn’t been for my mil, I wouldn’t have my beloved husband. No matter what she does, says, etc. I can be grateful for the gift of my husband. Something else that has helped me make sweet choices when I want to be nasty or hurt is to remind myself that I might be a mother-in-law someday, and I will want my daughter-in-laws to treat me kindly, especially on those times I don’t deserve it. Because, after all, we all have “those days” when we are less than lovely. During particularly painful times when she won’t believe I have chosen to love her no matter what, I just have to know that because of her childhood there are broken places inside that have nothing to do with me personally. Yes, the unkindness, manipulation, and attempted control may be directed towards me at this time, but at the root this is NOT about me AT ALL. All three of us daughters-in-law have taken our turn as the enemy. She is a dear woman who has been heartbreakingly wounded. One way I can live my love for my husband, her, and the rest of the family, is to realize this and refuse to take seeming attacks personally. No matter how it looks and sounds, it really, truly is not about me. I love my mil and my mil loves me as much as she is capable of loving. And she is a wonderful grandmother who adores my children. When all is well, she dotes on me too and tells me how much she appreciates the wife I am to her son and the “perfect” grandchildren he and I are raising and have raised. A final small thing I have done is that I have quit referring to my in-laws as in-laws and refer to them as my in-loves instead. I married their son because I love him so we could be together in love, not law, though we are that too.
There are other things that have been helpful through the years, but these few have made the greatest difference. None were easy to do. They are seeds of love and these seeds, often sown in tears, are producing good fruit for the future.
What a wise, gracious woman you are! Thank you for what you wrote — it has helped me tremendously.
Thank you for this. This a beautiful and godly perspective and so helpful.
After nearly 13 years of marriage, we’ve hit a happy balance, at least for our marriage. My husband talks to his parents every week or so, and we visit every 2-4 months (they live 4 hours away.) if anything, my husband gets on my case for not talking to my dad enough! I’m quite content to let it go 4-6 weeks between calls. Not that I don’t love my dad & stepmom, but I just don’t think about calling. And my dad has remarried in the last couple years, which changed the dynamic there dramatically, too.
Due to unforeseen circumstances at our home my husband, myself and our kids moved (6hrs away) into my inlaws camper. We have no where else to go. The camper is set up on their property. This was only till we got a job and got our own place. We have lived here for over a year. My husband worked odd jobs all he could to pay any bills we had. All the while we put in several applications. We agreed to help by paying half the utilities which is more than our share since the camper dont run that much electricity. It started when my MIL would have my kids to get whole containers of sugar, oil, soap ect… out of our cabinets while we were gone and keep them for her own. I would go to fix meals and my supplies would be gone. Or let her borrow sugar for a recipe I would let her use what she needed then she could bring me back the rest. I walked in one day and found her filling up her sugar container too. I finally stopped it all. For a few months we paid nothing on the lights because of work being so slow. 6 months ago my husband and I finally got a job working nights. To make up for those few months that we didnt pay any bills, we paid all of the property taxes. Ever since then its been harder and harder for us to live here. We give FIL money to help pay for bills as soon as we got paid. Everything was fine till all of the sudden they started wanting more. Last month my FIL used the money for his medication instead of bills. Then we wound up paying most of the bills for that month on top of what we already let him borrow. Now this month FIL asked if he could borrow money for his vehicle insurance. We let him. The other day we gave him half of all the utilities as always. He called us while at work asking for more. He hasn’t even payed the insurance money back yet. Without talking it over with me my hubby goes straight to the bank and withdraws the money. I have brought it up several times to my husband. He keeps saying he hates not to since we live here and FIL don’t make much. Yes, but MIL dont pay a dime on bills. She doesn’t have to pay anything but her car insurance. She blows the rest. She refuses to work a full 40 hrs a week because “it will cut into my beach time”. My SIL out of pity pays MIL’s cell phone bill and gas. We buy laundry detergent which MIL runs through as if it was water. And doesn’t hesitate to let me know we need more. Since we have so much money going out we can’t save anything to even think of buying or renting a home.
Also, my MIL gets on my last nerve sometimes. Like if I put my baby girl in lets say pink tshirt and jeans. she will say “She should wear…..today I think it would look better” or she will tell the kids the opposite of what I told them. Like I wont let my daughters wear anything that looks inappropriate. She will occasionally buy a shirt or something for them I dont approve of and gets mad when i wont let them wear it. We cant go to any of the kids events at school without her their taking pictures. Which is fine but not when she constantly stands in my view. I have taken lots of pictures with the back of her head in them. Telling her to please move makes it worse. My list could go on and on.
All of this causes so much problems in our marriage. My husband for some reason dont see much wrong with it. I on the other hand have been in prayer and tears many times over it.
As your article speaks to me the husband, I have no identification with most of what you wrote. Independence was fostered growing up with my parents and they leave us alone. I love them and the relationship is intentional which is how it should be.
I would enjoy reading your thoughts on boundary setting for the wife with her parents. Both in leaving and in discretion and disclosure of details about the married offspring’s’ relationship. The latter has certainly retarded the process of connecting/cleaving with my wife who has no hesitation in sharing my faults and failings with her parents, siblings and friends.
My MIL is overly involved, but its because she and her husband have such a terrible relationship that she depends on my husband for emotional support. Many times I feel lime she is the “other woman” by relying On my husband to meet her need for companionship, physical labor, and emotional encouragement. He comes to me empty with nothing to give, cuz hes given it all to her. And if I say anything he defends her asking what I have against her. It has been very hard, and ive gone ahead and told her how I feel because my husband will not stop being there for her. It is inappropriate for her to be expecting him to be her emotional husband/best friend/girlfriend. When I shared with her my husbands lack of love and commitment to me, she very quickly told me it was because was overweight and he was disgusted by me. She has become manipulative and hard to have a conversation with. I fear my husbands devotion to her, because what will happen to him when she finally passes on?
I came into my marriage with a baby in tow… My mil hated me for that!! She made the first two and a half years of my marriage so miserable and hurtful between my hubby and I that now I’m the bitter one towar her. The weekends were and absolute requirement for us to drive an hour and a half each way to spend the day or night with them so they could spend time with the kids, but I always got treated like the step child that no one liked. It was so bad that at one point she asked my hubby in front of me “why didn’t you just get back with your ex-gf?”
It was really bad for a long time before I became so angry, hurt, sad and overwhelmed that I said the most hurtful thing to my husband that I never thought I would say to him “if I would have known how your mother was going to be with me, I would have NEVER married you!” This statement alone was so powerful to him that he finally realized how hurt I was. But by then it was a few arguments to late, I was already way past my limits and there is no turning back my behavior that was a direct result of hers. The respect I had toward her is slowly coming back but the affection is just gone.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and we’ve only had about 4 years of a truly happy marriage. We’re now moved away but it’s sad that so much hurt and moving away had to happen in order to find my happily ever after.
I have 2 stories.
1. My husband’s brother married a gal whose mother never liked him. The wife and mom were close, and in their conversations the husband’s flaws vs old boyfriends’ strengths came up a lot. We thought it strange when even after many years of marriage and children, this wife recounted attributes of her old boyfriends to us! To make it worse, my BIL and his wife lived up the hill from my in-laws. My FIL is very demanding and selfish, and he picked on the wife! So eventually she divorced my BIL and has now remarried a man who is very controlling. I miss her and feel badly for her.
2. Regarding my controlling and selfish FIL.: neither my hubby nor I saw good communication modeled by our parents in their marriages, so we knew from the start that it had to be a priority for us. We also knew it could be “dangerous” to live close to my in-laws, though I loved my MIL dearly! (She was a real catalyst in my salvation and was a lovely mentor to me, though she died almost 20 years ago.) So when we eventually lived in the same state as our in-laws, we were far enough away for it to be a major haul to go see them, and the most my FIL could do in those days was she my husband’s articles and want ads via snail mail, trying to lure us to their area. Fortunately my husband had no desire to be near his dad, and so we were free to later move to yet another part of the country. We’ve always had a bit of pioneer/adventurous spirit in us and have followed “the road less taken”, if you catch my drift. We see life as an adventure with God and want to do whatever He leads us to do vs following the crowd. Hence 6 kids, homeschooling, and a very unusual career path for my husband. But we love our life together and are always trying to communicate honestly with each other.
#2 is wonderful! I think distance can be a very good thing in many instances (though we’re actually having my mom move in with us! But she’s great, and she and my husband have always gotten along really well).
#1 is so sad–but I have a similar story in my extended family. So needless–if only she had learned to “leave”!
I have a situation with my wife’s family. They’re Spanish/Latino, and so family togetherness is very important to them. At least when it’s about their family. We have to get together with them every Sunday for dinner, and when big holidays like Christmas and Easter roll around, we’re expected to spend pretty much the whole holiday with them. If they’ve made plans about something (like a big birthday party) and didn’t tell us, but plans we made to see my family will keep us from being involved, they get super upset and try to guilt my wife into having us change our plans.
A bigger issue with them, however, is that they don’t want us to move away ever. I’m a teacher and there is very limited opportunity in that field where we are. I’ve got a big student debt to pay off and we’re just barely making it. There are other areas in Canada where opportunities have come up that will help us get much more on track financially, and while my family has always been supportive, her family always gets very upset and tries to guilt us into not moving away from them if we mention something. It’s really frustrating, and my wife is just emotionally unable to venture out on our own and do something that her family doesn’t want us to do.
That’s really rough, Nathan, and I totally know what you mean about teaching positions in Canada right now. Can your wife see the need to move? I totally understand parents trying to guilt their kids, but whether or not they succeed is entirely up to both of you. They can try all they like, but if you know you’re making the right decision, then they can’t really succeed. You could say, “I’m so sorry that you’re not happier for us as we try to get ahead. We love you and we want to stay close, but you are acting as if we are rejecting you, when really you are rejecting us by not encouraging us to do what is best for us. We would like to stay on friendly terms, but if you refuse to do so, then that is very sad.” Put the blame back where it belongs.
But it does take some people a while to learn to do that. It took me a while in my own marriage. I pray that your wife will see this!
My MIL loves me and I love her. Unfortunately she has become a (self inflicted) invalid since we got married. We have just celebrated 9 years yesterday and have a beautiful 4 month old girl. MIL is 75 and has to have my husband fix her medicines, which are too numerous, every week for her and do all her bills. She has gone downhill very badly and will not do anything that would help her get better. Her other son lives in Vegas and never never comes even when we think she’s dying. It is such a burden on my hubby especially since she is not very grateful for his help and refuses to help herself. There is not enough money to put her where she would be cared for properly, so we are kind of stuck. I have to say, he does put me first now MOST of the time. I used to be last on the list, or not even on the list, for the first 7 years. MIL would love for my husband to be under her thumb at all times. It’s almost a reverse Oedipus complex, without the sexual implications of course. So, MIL’s of baby boys, please let your sons go. You are not losing them, you are gaining a new family!
Maybe you should do a post on how to be a wonderful MIL.
I love my MIL but she is not central in our marriage just a really good friend. I aim to be a MIL like her: kind loving helpful and wise.
I nor my husband have no problem setting boundaries and she has no problem accepting them.
I’d love to write on that–but I’m still trying to figure it out! And I thought it would be easy, but as the wedding gets nearer I think I understand some of the troublesome mothers a little more. I just really DON’T want to be like that. So maybe I should write a post and aim it at myself: here’s what you’re NOT going to do over the next ten years–as a reminder when I need it!
My Pastor did preach about that a few years ago on MothersDay.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cU7Wu2-BlG8
My husband and I have been married almost 22 years, and I could not have asked for a better relationship with my MIL. she was always kind and respectful towards me, and I felt like the daughter she never had rather than an in-law. She passed away three years ago, and I miss her dearly.
My problem is with my own mother. Early in my marriage she was critical of every decision my husband and I made together, and tried to be controlling and manipulative until we set boundaries. Of course she didn’t like that, and told anyone who would listen that my husband bullied me and took me away from her (he didn’t, and doesn’t). Then she and my dad moved 1800 miles away to be closer to my sister and my aging grandparents, and it was a revolution for our marriage! We would go to visit every few years with the children (it’s quite costly where they live) and kept in touch via phone calls. When my dad passed away in 2009, all was well with my mom for a bit, but then she started making snide comments towards me in public (Facebook) which grew progressively worse/more rude, and I deleted. When I tried to ask her what was wrong, she would say things like “Well if you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you.” And so on until I finally had to ‘unfriend’ her because of the verbal abuse. Then she proceeds to tell all my extended family how ‘selfish’ I am, and that I’m not the Christian I claim to be (that hurt the worst!). I found out through my Aunt that my mom said she felt like I had abandoned her and didn’t try to help my sister take care of her (even though I would ask how she was doing during every conversation). I asked mom how I could help, and again got the run-around. I asked my sister, and my sister said everything was fine. My Aunts suggested she move out of her big house to a more reasonable apartment, but she won’t hear any of it. She no longer talks to me, and I have given up trying to talk to her. Sheila, I can’t financially support my mother from halfway across the country, but that’s what she expects. I don’t know what else to do. Any advice?
Oh, I wish my husband would move away from his Mother, but I know for a fact he never will. My in-laws (both my parent-in-laws and my brother-in-law and his family) all live on the same 12 acre of land. When my father-in-law’s mother was living, she was here too. For the most part, amazingly it works out well having all of us here. However, there is a constant issue with struggling with who is going to spend time with the kids when they are outside playing.
She comes in the house a hundred times a day unexpectedly. If she doesn’t come over, she’s on the phone calling one of us requesting something. There are NO boundaries at all, and it bothers me to pieces. In my case,
I believe it would lead to a divorce if I were to push to move away because then I’d NEVER see my husband and kids because she’d push to have them here.
To my husband’s credit, he does keep her from crossing boundaries that I put my feet down on, but those are rare. I choose my battles VERY carefully. He is a good man, and he loves me and my kids completely. However, his mom plays cards she shouldn’t to ensure BOTH of her boys are at her beck and call and live close to her.
If my only major complaint is having to deal with really good in-laws (which they really are when you get down to the nitty gritty), then I still count myself blessed.
My problem is that I tried allowing my MIL to live with us. My God that was a HUGE mistake she manipulated my husband so that he kicked me out 1 week to the day before Christmas. I didn’t run to my husband and tell him the conniving and manipulative evil things she was doing. I worked hard to stay in my own lane. If you didn’t do what she wanted you to do you became her enemy. She didn’t pay any bills but she ran the house as if it was her’s. My hubby and I have been working to get our marriage to the place it needs to be. He got a new job & moved 3 hours away and I spend a lot of time with him. We have made a choice to work things out as God would desire us to. Due to my health situations and the fact that my doctors and specialist are in the area he left he has decided to come back so that we can get to working on our marriage. Now he tells me that his mother is moving in with us I said “No the hell she isn’t she can go live with your single sister that’s where she needs to be” He claim she has changed and promised not to instigate in our marriage. I say its bull. Now she claims to have had some kind of surgery on her chest that none of her 5 kids know about but her & him. I said to him sweetheart your mother hasn’t changed this is proof She is using her manipulative tactics on you now she is healthy enough to get her own place or go stay with the single sister. He replies I just wanna be there for both of you I told him he can be there for her but I say no and i mean no. The part that’s funny but sad at the same time to me is this. She had her own SS apartment and I wasn’t allowed to come over with my husband when he went to visit lol. Then on top of that she went and made a brand new car note verses keeping her apartment. I simply told my husband that God doesn’t approve of him putting her before him or myself(his wife). Gods word is law. Your mother is causing an abomination in God’s eye. She has so much to say and don’t know what the situation is or isn’t. I told him that I detest the fact that he tells her things and then allow her to say things without him defending my honor and She being married 2 times previously should be in the position to counsel us and help us mold into a beautiful Marriage as God would approve. In stead she still burying her nose into the wrong business and I am well equipped to defend myself since he can’t stand up to her and put her in her place. My family isn’t all in our business even after the incident that happend the week before Christmas neither should she cause its not her place. Now he says we should divorce cause I said his mother can’t live with us. I told him to send me the papers. Its sad because he is in law enforcement and his mother mingles and work for convicted felons and drug dealers. She doesn’t care that she could reap havoc on his career she just don’t want to pay her own way. No one wants her to live with them because of her ways except the daughter she don’t wanna live with cause she can’t manipulate her or run her house. I smiled and told my husband God will have the last say so. Your mom needs to grow up and get a life if you were dead or lost your job what would she do or go then? Am I wrong for saying no? When I tried living under the same roof with her things got so bad I didn’t wanna go home and I slept in my car many nights. She isn’t worth my peace.
My husband and I have been married for 7 months and I’m already aggravated with his mother. It seems like she always has something to say about everything and she doesn’t want us to move out of he house. And when I talk to my husband it’s like he hears me but doesn’t hear me. His mother is still stuck on something he said when he was younger and not married; he said he will never leave her and when he moves he’s taking her with him. I questioned him about it and he confirmed that he said it but it doesn’t apply to now. His mother is so inconsiderate of our marriage; she constantly calls his name when he comes and try to spend time with me. My husband doesn’t understand how it makes me feel when I’m always staying to myself because I don’t want to deal with his mother.
Just venting here…My husband and I are from different countries. In his culture it is common to have families living together in harmony. Well… my mother in law is “visiting” for 6 months…. I do not speak her language… I do no share that get along part of their culture. Also I suffer from OCD where everything needs to be in its place at all times or I get panick attacks. It is my belief that she knows that and is using it to cause fights between me and my husband. She has taken over my chores, does my laundry – her way – and it totally freaks me out. My husband has never understood my OCD and now it keeps getting worst. He even told me I was crazy a couple of times. Whenever I try to discuss this with him, he freaks out and says that I am against his mother and being a bitch to her. He doesn’t understand that I can’t have someone touch my laundry or change everything around all the time… my god… one month would have been more than enough…
I’m ranting.
What can you do when my husband is actually leaving me to go live with his mother and his brother in order to assist his mother financially. She says its temporary but this is the 4th time my husband says she does this. His mother has asked for both my husband and her first son to start taking care of her since she doesn’t want to work anymore at age 50, she is in debt, and she never worked her social so she won’t receive any social security retirement. He plans to leave me to pay for her bills and i am to fend for myself after 7 years of us together. I am financially stable to do so but he thinks i will wait for him. His mother doesn’t like me at all either because i am not Korean or christian. I don’t know. She turns away when she sees me ever since she met me. Trust me, she has personally told him, i was in the next room listening, to leave me. I know he is his mother, but i also have a mother. I mentioned this to my mother and she is sad because she says she would never ask me to do what his mother is asking him to do and that is to leave me. His mom says it is his duty as a son to support her. Reality is, if he does leave i cannot be with him anymore. The saddest part is 3 years ago we got a dog, and the our dog loves him and he is turning his back on his responsibility of the dog that he chose to take care. I will have Tibbers (dog), and Tibbers has me at least. I am waiting for him to make his choice.
what can you do when your mother in law doesn’t like you and wants to take back his son? And the son may go?
I dont have answers, but can relate on some level. Its just sickening isnt it? To have invested wholeheartedly in a relationship with a man who is considering or willing to jeopardize his relationship with you to be his mothers pawn. Ive been with my H 18 years and cant imagine life w/o him. You might want to look up MEM, emotional incest and surrogate spouses as you consider your future w or wo him. Eye opening insightful and stomach turning all at the same time.
My MIL lives out of state, and when we have visited her my H takes on a different personality. He becomes extremely emotionally involved with her and almost treats me like I’m not there. At first I rolled with it bc they don’t get to spend much time together. But over the years my MIL has went from being emotionally dependent on my H, controlling, and dismissive towards me to talking about me literally behind my back, trying to undermine our marriage and has even been physically threatening towards me coming at me with a small kitchen appliance once and throwing a knife by me another time. My husband avoids conflict, does not confront her, etc. So I talked with him about setting some boundaries like not all staying under 1 roof when we/she visits. Instead of my husband respecting my request and booking us a hotel, he now excludes me from trips with his family. She manipulates him into acting like a surrroagate spouse, and he adores all the attention he gets from her. I dont think he understands how disrespectful this is to me or considers the impact it is having on our marriage. Every year I am more put off, even disgusted and I want nothing to do with him when he’s with her or returns from a trip with her. Ive tried talking with himand he just doesnt seem to get the extent of this, and he’s not the type that would go to therapy. I dont want him to feel like he’s trapped in the middle, I want him to honor our marriage. I know, based on the times his mother is not visiting, that he loves me and is a great husband. How do we make this work?
My husband and I have been married for 8 and a half years now. He and his mom are close because he is the baby and I’m the baby in my family too. However he had to ask his mom to move out just before we got married in 2007. My husband and his 2 brothers agreed she could stay at the grandfather’s house that they inherited around the same time. However, in August 2014 her eyesight became so poor she had to give up driving and is legally blind due to magular degeneration. She can see well enough to do everyday function and activities and recently has a clean bill of health other than smoking and her vision is now stable after 2 years of injections. She gets around fine and I do not see any reason why she should continue to live with us. She is poor at managing money so my husband wanted me to take over her finances since she moved in. I thought her eyes were so bad that I needed to quit my job in order to help look after her but afterwards I quickly realized how wrong I was. She gets around great and does everything for herself as long someone manages her finances for her because she is careless with money since she doesn’t have assets. The last 2 years we all have gone through a lot of changes and my husband has went through a lot of medical issues in the past 2 years too including now! Unfortunately, things have not gotten easier. I’m to the point where I want her out and I would like to have my home, husband, sanity, and privacy back! Do not get me wrong, I love my mother in law and glad she could help when my husband was sick or out of work a while. We are about to have a few debts paid off and I know we do not need her to help financially anymore. However, my husband says he had to ask her to leave when we got married and will not ask her to leave again! He has 2 brothers who “could” help and live in the came county! I will say they don’t seem to care as much about her as we do which is sad, but I know she is capable of living on her own because we have been away while she stayed home. She says she is fine to stay by herself so why can’t she live alone? She knows our marriage is suffering due to no privacy, no time alone together, and I’ve even said I felt like the 3rd wheel and still do. She’s had him practically his whole life and I barely had him 7 years before we let her move in. She has been here now almost 2 years and this has been one of the biggest challenges of my life! Besides to make it more difficult to understand this house was hers until 2001 when my husband had to buy it out of foreclosure. Back then we weren’t together and he worked out of town a lot so he allowed her to stay as if it were still her home . I know she is a widow of 30 years but even so aren’t we suppose to leave our parents? I’m starting to think I should go back to work, save money, and just make plans to leave because I know I cannot live like this for the next 10 years or so! How can I stay in a marriage when I know his mommy is always here for her baby? How can I stay knowing there are loose ends where our property is concerned that has not been changed to me…it’s still goes to her according to the deed because he has procrastinated about getting the mortgage and property deed changed? Not only have I lost sleep over this from time to time but if something were to happen to my husband my future is not secure not only with property issues but his mom would be left with me! My parents are the same age as her but they are financially set, and have planned for assisted living if or when that day comes. My MIL on the other hand has nothing to show for her life other than her monthly income and would blow her check in a week if we didn’t control her finances! In fact the most important thing to her is cigarettes even though both of her doctors have told her she needs to quit. She is just a careless person and cigarettes are something that’s a comfort for her. She has to smoke in my husband’s shop and we have had to train her to wash her hands after smoking because I’m allergic to the smoke. We went through a lot moving her in based on the fact she promised to quit smoking and still hasn’t quit after almost 2 years! Not to mention I thought it was necessary to quit my job and now know I could have still worked! My husband doesn’t see how much this has effected me and doesn’t think it’s a big deal that his mom is here or that our marriage is in trouble! He keeps saying he will tie the loose ends but it’s been almost 9 years since we married so why should I believe that he will get these important matters taken care of now? I’ve also had to endure seeing my husband go through emotional roller coasters,and panic attacks as he came off methadone which was a treatment he used to come off pain pill addiction. I’m not trying to play the victim here but I’m at a lost as to what to do. I can honestly say I do love my husband but if I’m not first in his life how can I be secure? We’ve been through so much these last few years that I cannot remember the good times. I’ve been praying for healing in our marriage for years now and know we should have worked on it more before his mom moved in. I’m actually mad at myself for letting her move in because now I feel trapped, and can feel resentment setting in! Regardless if anyone can give some Christian advice to me, please pray for us! Right now I do not know what God has in store for us but, I can only hope that his mom moves out and maybe we can repair our broken marriage!
Update: things are finally looking up! My husband talked with his mom and she agreed to move out. We plan to help her find a place to rent locally. It will take time to find a place in our small county, but we will move forward as quickly as possible. Never in my life did I think this would ever happen of moving my MIL in and then back out, but I do believe in the power of prayer. It’s very hard living with someone so different, careless with financial responsibility, and irresponsible in many other ways. However, I do love my MIL because she had my husband. Regardless of what your situation, marriage is worth fighting for unless abuse is involved. To my surprise, one day after an all day event alone with my family, I came home to a strange feeling that something was out of the ordinary. Once my MIL went to bed, my husband told me he had a long talk with his mom about moving out because he could finally see that I felt trapped and that she quit trying to do a lot for herself in many ways. I never thought I would see that day come but it did! He said if the role were reversed with one of my parents where he couldn’t be free in his own home, and have personal time with me then he couldn’t imagine how to act. When he thought of this and talked to a friend going through the similar phase in life, my husband realized how I must feel! I’m am so thankful that he gets it now. It may sound harsh having her move back out, but she will still be close by, and let’s not forget she has two other sons in the same county! Her doctor feels it will be good for her too as long as she feels safe! Thanks for letting us have an outlet by sharing on this site!
That’s wonderful! I’m so glad for you.
Today was supposed to be my wedding anniversary celebrating 13 years, but my mother-in-law and husband decided differently. I had a husband who always put his mother and sister first in his life, I tried to talk to him about it and it did not help. All he said that this is how they are and I knew the circumstances of them being a close-knit family, because we date for 7 years before marriage and married for 7 years. They filed for divorce, I had no say and it did not matter how hard I fought, because still today I believe in our matrimonial unity. Over the last 6 years, I did self assessment, life enriching courses and read a lot, meaning I have educated myself, but it will never repair my heart…….
Good luck to all out there who believes in their marriages……
I’m confused. Who filed for divorce? Your divorce? And you let them?
I just cannot imagine family having that much say in a marriage. That is so very sad.
Timely read for me. My MIL displays many narcissistic traits and has always been very controlling. But strangely for me, it was my sis in law (who has been sort of a substitute mom to my husband) who for a long time was “the other woman.” She manipulated my husband and had to constantly be talking to him, while entirely leaving me out of the picture. Often we would have them over and it was like I didn’t even exist; I was completely ignored. This hurt me so bad, especially since she and I had been close friends before my husband and I started dating. We moved far away from family about a year after we married and that helped tremendously. But ultimately her eyes were opened (I don’t know if by our move or other things) and we are now friends again, and she has really let go of my husband to be who he chooses to be.
So a couple years later we move back close to family, with kids in tow, and the MIL drama begins. I feel like us having kids was what triggered it with her. Lots of subtle undermining of my parenting choices, and trying to get us to do things with them HER way. Down to the name we chose for one of our kids!!! Why she should even care, I have no idea. They tried to get us to call said kid by middle name instead of first name. While I was still in the hospital recovering from the birth. OUCH.
My husband has done very well with leaving and cleaving, all things considered. Not that we haven’t had struggles, but it’s not been nearly as bad as other stories in the comments here. The part where he and I do not see eye to eye is the amount of time our kids should spend with his parents, particularly my MIL. My MIL has never been evaluated by a psychiatrist (because of course she doesn’t think she needs it) but she exhibits very strong narcissistic traits. Most of the kids agree on that, to some degree or other. They know mom has got mental issues that she’s in complete denial of. And it’s BECAUSE of her denial that she has lost relationship with the majority of her kids. She has always been very partial among her own kids, and it has damaged the family relationships so horribly. I have always seen this, even before my husband and I were dating. But I never dreamed it was nearly as bad as I discovered after we were married. My husband was one of her favorites. So it follows that our kids are her favorite grandkids. And as if that’s not enough favoritism, she also has a favorite among OUR kids. This concerns me extremely! Because I KNOW the damage her favoritism has done among her own kids!! If anyone ever tries to confront her about her behavior she plays the victim, or uses gas lighting. “You’re imagining things. You’re way too sensitive. You’re emotionally unstable. You’re jealous.” It seems hopeless. This has been her behavior all her life, as far as the kids can remember.
And yet, my husband feels that leaving our kids with her is basically harmless. My FIL I have never had any issues with. He, however, rarely goes against her, and thereby further enables her childish and damaging behavior. Ive been praying a LOT. I don’t want the kids to grow up without grandparents, but I also don’t want her to cause the terrible, awful divisiveness among my own kids that she has done with her kids. My kids are young enough now that they may not notice her favoritism yet, but it won’t be long before they will. It doesn’t help that we live pretty close to them. I try to keep our visits to once every other week, but my husband doesn’t see what I see, and if I leave the kids with him he’ll often head over there with them. We have discussed it several times and I hope we are making some sort of headway.
Anyway, Sheila if you ever need more subjects to write about I’d love to read about overbearing MILs who try to parent their grandkids and don’t respect their DIL in that area. ?
I am all for Loving, Christlike behavior towards MIL, but I’m not about to bend over backwards for her as I watch her cause division among my own children.
I have an “in-law” issue I could really use some help with. We are not technically in-laws yet — and she is the reason why. I am 25 and my boyfriend is 29. We have been together for three years and the main reason we haven’t gotten engaged yet is because we CANNOT stop fighting about his mother. She lives five minutes from us. She got divorced 10 years ago (husband left her for another woman). Ever since her husband left, she has never picked herself up off the ground and tried to start living again. She has no life, no job, no boyfriend/husband. And she doesn’t want a life of her own. She prefers to live vicariously through her two adult sons and their girlfriends. She showers us with attention, gifts, affection, kindness because she is so terrified we will try to live our own independent lives and not include her as much as we do now.
We see her multiple times a week. She texts me and my boyfriend almost every day, about nothing at all! Just random little observations and thoughts that pass through her head. She invites us over for dinner several times a week and when it’s game day on Sunday in the fall, you bet we’re over there. Things that couples normally do together (think pumpkin picking in the fall, Christmas activities) she expects us to do them with her. She tries to organize things like this before we get a chance to plan a couples day doing it. She just wants us all to be big one happy family, with her at the center, all the time. And she talks to my boyfriend like he’s 10. If we have a formal event coming up she is on him about “did you get your suit dry cleaned? you need to take it to the dry cleaners, don’t forget” as if he can’t live his life without her guiding his every little move. If we go somewhere, like a day trip into the city or a wedding, I am instructed to take lots of photos of me and my boyfriend and text them all to her. She just wants to live our lives alongside us rather than getting her own life. She doesn’t realize that her son is pushing 30. She is so dependent on my boyfriend it makes me sick and it is the reason we aren’t married yet. I don’t know if I can deal with this!
I am at the point where texts from her and invitations produce a lot of anxiety. I have panic attacks and insomnia. My boyfriend and I battle over this all the time because I find her behavior so intrusive, interfering and unhealthy. Her attachment to him is so weird and I can’t make him see that. When I complain about her, he defends her and makes excuses for her and ends up mad at ME. He just doesn’t see how much she is coming between us by forcing herself into our relationship. I always come off as the bad guy because, while extremely overbearing, she is a very kind, generous and welcoming person. She has never said a bad word about me, and never would, and I believe she truly wants us to be good friends. This makes my boyfriend see me as the bully and her as the victim. I used to enjoy my relationship with her before she amped up the contact to daily texting. What can I do about this in the long run?? My boyfriend has spoken to her about toning it down, but I don’t believe she will change permanently. And I’m tired of him getting mad at ME for this. I’m really desperate for help here. Thanks
****Please read and give me some feed back!!! I need help!!!****
I am not married but I am engaged. Me and my fiancé have been talking about relocating for our careers. We decided on where and its an hour and a half from where we currently live. One day I was talking to his mom and I was telling her about our plans. She instantly got upset and said that was too far away. She then went and told him behind my back that i was trying to take him away from her. Every time me and my fiancé are trying to plan our future she always has something negative to say. Lately she has been very bitter towards me and i do not appreciate that because i have done nothing wrong but treat her with respect and let her know how excited i am about the future. We currently live with his mom and dad and she does not want us to even move out. When i say us, I’m referring to my fiancé. She treats him like a little kid and it frustrates both of us and he won’t say anything to her because he knows his dad will get mad at him and he is afraid of his dad.
Me and my fiancé are also having a small problem right now. He spends more time with his friends playing games then he does even talking to me and its very frustrating. I was talking about it one day and she made the comment that since we live together he doesn’t have to spend time with me. Just because she lets her husband do whatever he wants doesn’t mean I’m going to live my life the same way. Basically, because we live together she thinks that it is ok for him to ignore me. That is not only causing a problem between me and her, but a problem between me and my fiancé. He is letting his mom control his every move and i am absolutely sick of it. Please someone tell me what to do. I love him so much but if he doesn’t control his mother….i don’t know how much more i can take before i either explode or leave.
Since you’re not married, this would be a good time to walk away and find someone who will treat you better. This situation will NOT get better after marriage.
I can SO relate to these situations… yet mine is very unique in itself…
Eversince the age of 20, my husband has been addicted to heroin. At age 15, his 13-year-old paralytic sister passed away from kidney failure, which devastated their family.
His father started drinking excessively and his mother took it upon herself to carry all the family burdens…
And that is where the problem started…
I met my husband about 7 years ago, and in 2010, I moved in with him and his parents, after he had asked me to marry him.
I could see from the very beginning that his mother is a huge problem in his life, because she regularly meddled and tried to take responsibility for every area of his life.
She also seemed slightly threatened at my appearance in his life, even though she claimed to have been praying for a godly “girlfriend” for her son.
My husband claimed to be on a maintenance medication which acts as a legal substitute for heroin, yet I soon realized that he is still addicted and relapsing on a regular basis. It wasn’t helping much that mum was always there to give him money and cushion the blow…
Yet I knew I deeply loved this man and wanted to be with him, come hell or high water.
Little did I know the enormity of the battle I was entering into.
Even setting a marriage date for us became a personal feud between his mother and I… she kept justifying delay of the process.
In some ways she was right, because we weren’t financially ready, but she wasn’t really allowing her son to come to a place of stability.
With counsel we got married in Dec 2011.
My marriage has been a rocky road to say the least, and mother still excuses his wrong actions at every turn…
I have tried reasoning with both of them, but I am always told that I am the one with an issue. He even defends her… most of the time.
I have become co-dependent wife who is left home alone for hours, sometimes days on end… left to deal alone with financial commitments, debt, and when he does come home, mother has fetched him and his friends from the streets after buying his fix for him.
He takes my money, because he feels entitled.
She is more than a problem, she has ruined our lives consistently, and he has drawn it out of her, allowed it and co-operated with her.
Desperate to say the least, I am seeking a godly resolution…
Love him, but fed-up.
Chanel, that’s so, so hard! Do you have a church family that you can go to to ask for some help? Or a counselor? I’d also really recommend an Al Anon group for the family members of addicts. It can help you see that you’re not alone and the people there can help you build some boundaries so that you can start saying, “no more of this. We need to get things right.” But it’s so hard to do that alone, without any support! I just pray that God will bring something like that into your life, and I encourage you, too, to really seek it out.
This is a lot later than the post so Sheila, I hope you can still find time to get back to me. I have now been married for almost a year. I have felt like an outsider in my husband’s family the entire time and even in our engagement and I have done a lot of research but none that addresses the complex situation I have found myself in. My husband’s younger brother battled cancer for a few years but passed away just months before my husband proposed to me. I talked to him to make sure the timing was okay with him and it was but for his parents and sister, I can now see it was not. It started just by feeling excluded. Of course they were grieving and at one point I even apologized to his mother for stepping into her grief in a misguided attempt to help. However, after the wedding we would see them every Sunday for the whole day after church and it became plain to me that they wanted a relationship with him in the same way it had been before he was married but not one with me. They invited him to multiple outings knowing I had work and if they had any questions about me, they asked him. I tried everything in my power to be what I thought they wanted from me and none of it helped our relationship. At Christmas everything came to a head. I had been very withdrawn for months, feeling so discouraged and rejected by what I thought would be my new family. My husband and I planned our first married Christmas by deciding to split it between my dad and my mom (divorced) and his parents and sister. When they realized we were planning to see them Christmas Eve and my family Christmas Day, it was like the world came to an end. His sister angrily texted him, not understanding why “I get to see my family but he can’t see his”. That remark cut me because I felt like giving them 12 hours every Sunday was a sacrifice I made out of love but it just wasn’t enough. Sheila, I so struggle with bitterness and not feeling like I am enough for them. I know they are grieving, but how much do we tolerate their behavior? I feel like I owe them time with their son because their other one passed away and then we got married so shortly after but it takes a huge toll on our marriage when they demand all of this time but have no desire to get to know me at all. How do I be understanding and loving but also take time to understand my new little family of 2 and role as wife? All I really want is to move to another state so I can stop this competition for my husband’s time and attention!
And what do you do, after having a heart to heart with your MIL that you thought brought you closer ended up in her using it as ammunition against you (and your parents) in a conversation with your husband? What if you literally cannot do or say anything for fear that your MIL will use it against you? How do you create a relationship with her? How can your family even have a relationship with her when everything everyone does is criticized?
My Mother-in-law was a sergeant major in WW11. and if she had not changed from 1945 to 1973 -almost 30 years later then this intruder (Yours truly ) would never be able to change her controlling personality.
My husband had to get up and say”Good evening sir” when his Father walked in the room. I greeted my Dad with a hug.
She wanted to choose our furniture ,fashions change and I would have none of it.She manipulated my husband to believe her choices were better and he refused to work with me.
She criticised everything I did and it caused discontent in our home.
As for the lady whose husband had a phone call every evening at 7pm I would simply have pulled the telephone Jack as well as the Jill out of the wall.
I am still married to him because he woke up .She is no longer with us.
I will credit her with one valuable lesson she taught–How not to be a mother-in-law
I have 3 married sons and have a good relationship with all three Daughter-in-laws and I trust their judgement.As far as I am concerned my son’s all chose well.
I learn more from my Daughter-in-laws than I can teach them.
My mother in law was great the first 8 years because She Really worked hard on our relationship. My own mother is a horror, so I thought I was the luckiest wife in the world. except for the first year before moved, we live 2300 miles away from the inlaws. After my son (now 13) was born, things changed. Her feelings “got hurt” several times because I had different ideas. I’d always be the one to apologize and make nice. After my FIL died she stopped videoconferencing with us each week – calls have gotten rare. Also, she got even more “sensitive.” Her daughters that live near her became more protective, and her older grandkids moved nearby and started having their own families. She still visited us, but she stopped trying to connect with me, focusing only on my son. Her feelings still “get hurt,” but last time she visited, she ran to her son to complain about me. I apologized again. The next time I invited her to visit she refused without giving any reason. (She’s never failed to offer an explanation before, so I’m pretty sure this is a message.) I called her so my son could talk to her on his birthday. now it’s summer and I didn’t invite her to visit, nor has she asked about our plans. And frankly, though she has spent nearly every Xmas week with us for 22 years, I’m inclined to make other plans this year. (We’ve always exchanged 3-4 visits a year.) Do I try to clear the air with her and rebuild the relationship? Or do I assume she is doing as she wishes and let whatever problem she has with me affect my family?
I just left my husband 3 days ago for this reason. I cant bear the meddlings. I stayed with my mother and I begged him to take a stand and we will find a house for us. He wouldnt. He felt that he is abandoning them. Which is not. I dont know why he even married me if he still wants to be their baby. I agreed before to stay there because his family still needs us to help them financially. Now they are well off and still, my husband wouldnt leave them. I was infuriated and I finally left. Now he takes all my calls like a joke. Maybe they already told him bad things about me. He would always say that he cant abandon his family while we stay here crying that we are now his family and we should be his priority. Its hard to pull him. Its hard to start life with him so I finally left the man I love. He would always tell me that I am arrogant and too ambitious to desire a house of our own which surprises me because thats what married couple should prioritize. Im going to start my own family even if he doesnt want to. Right now, im looking for a lot and hopefully build my house there. I condone divorce and annulment before now Im taking it into consideration. He can stay in his crib while I will be happy with my new life.
If someone/something is too heavy, leave it/him and go on to your next journey.
I cried tears and blood that I cant cry anymore. Im lonely, im sad but this is better than staying with a mama’s boy with his mama around.
Hi, thank you for this article on something that I am currently dealing with in my own marriage.
My hubby and I have been married for the last 7 years and together for 10. The difference here I think is that we’ve had to live with his parents, due to our financial situation currently. My parents live over 1000 km away from us and I sincerely miss them, but we are not able to always go there to visit, due to our current situation. And I find now recently it’s been a difficult thing for me, one, because his mother is going through a challenge in her own marriage and possibly could face divorce and two, I have been feeling the need for us to move out on our own, but we have not been able to in so long.
And I honestly feel currently that our lives very much revolves around her and all she has to do. Thankfully we don’t have any children yet, but I strongly believe that the time is now for us to set boundaries. In fact we should have done this long ago.
Problem however is that she also very much relies on us to take her around to her work, shop, cook, clean ect. So it is almost like I am feeling trapped. We have 1 car, I have the license, we have been out of work for just over a month, but building a business on the side and she has the money.
A typical day in our life would be as follows:
We have a bedroom next to hers and generally we’d get up in the morning. Depending on who gets up first, they will have breakfast and then get ready. Then the rest of us get up to have breakfast and get to the bathroom. This is generally where the commenting would start.
Now most days, she has to go into the office. She runs a children’s home. So we all get ready to take her to the children’s home. The day starts at around 10 or 11 every 2 – 4 working days and we’d come home or run errands from 3 – 6, depending. My husband and I use the time to work on our business there or to study, but most times I feel like she is heavily infringing on our time and not asking us if we have any plans.
So by the time we get home, either one of us cook supper, we’d have supper and then clear the dishes. We help where we can most of the time. Then I’d go to our room to finally get to do a few things of my own and because I enjoy the quietness in our room. My husband sit at the dining room table in the lounge, working, where his mother would be sitting and watching some TV and they would talk. Most times she would complain to him how horrible people are, how difficult the situation is with the family (and I get that, but how long? – this is one other reason I don’t sit with them), or she would randomly throw at us the money issue and moan that we are not contributing or helping in the house, they also have discussion about the Word of God, my husband is very passionate about his faith and I love him for that, but I feel he should engage me more on that.
Now we’ve had discussed this issue about leaving and cleaving on several occasions, but I don’t feel that the dynamics would change anytime soon, and my concern is that she will always be having a say in our lives. I could really say a lot more, but this would give you an idea of what i am dealing with.
I sometimes feel that I could improve the relationship on my part, but I really need him to realize that our marriage takes first priority after God and we should really be building on our relationship with each other and us with her together more.