I recently read an amazing post on Julie Sibert’s blog Intimacy in Marriage about the effects of a sexual drought on your marriage, and I asked if I could reprint it here. So today, for Top 10 Tuesday, we have a sober warning from Julie:
Well.
Some marriages go decades without sex, so the question of “can” doesn’t really get at the heart of the matter.
A better question is, “What happens when a marriage goes a long time without sex… for no justifiable reason?”
I always have to add that disclaimer in there, because there are some marriages plagued by chronic illnesses and injuries that make any kind of sexual intimacy impossible.
But most marriages? Yeah, in most marriages, sex IS an option.
My guess is if you are reading this right now, sex IS an option in your marriage — yet it never or rarely occurs.
What does happen when a marriage goes a long time — maybe even years or decades — without sex?
Here are 10 things I think can happen (in no particular order).
Ongoing lack of sexual intimacy in a marriage…
1. Stirs resentment.
Sex is never just about sex. It’s about soul mingling, which is a vital aspect of marriage that is found in no other human relationship. When I wrote the post “I like him better after we have sex,” I meant it.
Consistent and mutually-enjoyable sexual intimacy in a marriage equips us to extend grace, to be kinder toward one another, to do life together.
So it’s no wonder, that when you take sex out, resentment is eager to arrive on the scene.
2. Fosters distance.
I think we intuitively recognize when there is distance between us and our spouse. Distance is different than resentment, but still equally damaging.
Sex is a vivid reminder in a marriage that we are “in this together.” It’s not surprising that when couples report going long stretches without making love, they feel “distant” from one another.
And that distance begins to chip away at all the things that give marriage richness and strength — vulnerability, friendship, shared joys, common ground.
3. Reduces your marriage to roommate status.
Sure, the two of you pay the bills and run the house. You share the chores. You raise the kids. You mow the lawn. You decorate the Christmas tree. And you run the carpool.
BUT… without physical and emotional intimacy… all of that roommatish stuff barely qualifies as a high and holy definition of marriage.
I would be a wealthy woman if I had a dollar every time I heard someone express to me that their marriage exists, but it never thrives — in large part because of the lack of sex. And sizzling sex doesn’t even have to be difficult!
Roommate status in a marriage sucks. It just does.
4. Dishonors God.
God designed marriage and sex — and He designed them to go together.
He implores husbands and wives to make love often. He places a fundamental command on sex being exclusive to marriage. He created women and men both to be able to experience orgasm.
Sex is God’s deal — His arena — in a very big way.
So, suffice to say, when we marry, we are saying “yes” to sex being part of that covenant. We are saying “yes” to God. Take sex out of the covenant? How can we think that doesn’t dishonor Him?
5. Makes it easier to rationalize infidelity.
If we tried to count the number of Christian men and women who want to step out on their sexually unavailable spouse, we would be counting for awhile.
And that’s just counting the ones who want to, but don’t.
Let’s not even start counting the ones who actually do give into that temptation.
I’ve never been a fan of the phrase “affair proof” your marriage, because a spouse could go above and beyond their responsibility in the marriage, including being sexually available — and their spouse could still choose to cheat.
But I do think there are ways we can guard our marriages. Making love is one of those ways. When sex is non-existent, the spouse who hungers for it may be more tempted to loosen the reins on their marriage vows.
To not see some cause and effect in that whole scenario is careless.
Yes, adultery is a sin and there is no way to rationalize it.
But listen to the raw feelings of refused spouses, and it’s not too hard to see how they convince themselves that sexual indiscretion doesn’t matter at this point.
6. Sets a horrible example for kids.
Don’t kid yourself on this one (no pun intended). Your kids are learning about marriage from watching you. You may say, “Well, they don’t know anything about our sexual intimacy.”
You’re right that they aren’t privy to the details of what happens behind your closed bedroom door, but I guarantee you this. If nothing is happening behind that bedroom door, the collateral damage from that spills out into the rest of your life — you know, the life where your kids are present and paying attention.
See points 1, 2 and 3 for further insight.
7. Invites the enemy into your home and bedroom.
Satan is all about division, and he doesn’t really care how he goes about doing it. He is crafty and clever and will work with what we hand him.
When you willingly decide to take sex out of the marriage, the enemy is delighted. Why? Because he knows that anything designed by God — in this case, sex — is powerful. And holy. And worthy.
When a married couple stops having sex, Satan has gained a huge foothold. Division is so much easier when unity is no longer mutually valued.
8. Increases reliance upon masturbation as the only form of sexual fulfillment.
I don’t think masturbation in marriage is always a bad thing, and I’ve blogged about that here and here.
BUT… if it is happening often and only because someone’s spouse has arbitrarily removed sex from the marriage, then the negative impact starts to add up quickly.
When a husband and wife could be having sex, but aren’t — and one or both of them resort to masturbation — are we really that surprised?
If anything, it just confirms the power of sexual desire.
Even more heartbreaking is when the refusing spouse gives “permission” or “encouragement” to their spouse to “just take care of things themselves.”
How can we possibly think that’s God vision (or even your vision) for sex in a marriage?
9. Makes pornography look more enticing.
No, I am not justifying any sin, including the sin of pornography.
But we are a naive people if we believe for one moment that pornography doesn’t look more alluring to some people who are consistently sexually rejected within their marriage.
I know that pornography addiction is complex. I also know that I hear from many people who struggle greatly with pornography and are trying to stop looking at it. To feel as if there is no other option but pornography only compounds the problem.
Many couples, usually through the assistance of counselors and ministries, have overcome the betrayal of pornography. Without a doubt, a husband and wife eventually resuming healthy and active sexual intimacy is a part of that healing.
Again. A lot of this goes back to, “What are we doing to guard our marriage and our hearts?”
10. Damages your ability to serve in the body of Christ.
If you are gung ho about serving in countless ways at your church — yet you know you are blatantly refusing your spouse sexually — then your Christian witness is hampered. I have no doubt about that.
There’s nothing wrong with using your talents and heart to serve the Lord outside your home, but if you are doing it at the expense of priorities in your home and inyour marriage, then I encourage you to step back.
Take a good hard look. Be humble. And admit that this may be a blind spot for you.
The Lord is willing to meet you in that place of struggle — and in all the others I’ve listed to this point.
How long can a marriage go without sex?
Well. Like I already said… I don’t think that question really gets at the heart of the matter.
Do you?
For more reading on this, check out one of my favorite posts: Extraordinary Sex in Your Ordinary Life.
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage and is the co-author of Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer dog who kind of wants to chew up the kitchen floor.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I don’t have much to say about this for once. But its never good to lock your spouse out of the bedroom so to speak.
I also do not want to justify adultery but might go a little farther to say that a long term, consistent, refusal to engage in sex with your spouse IS a form of infidelity. Infidelity can occur by acts of commission (affairs) and omission. Mind you, I am not saying so foolish that spouses need to be “on demand” for sex or cannot have good reasons to avoid/refuse sex. I am just saying that if ALL of the following are present, there is infidelity
a) There are no physical or serious health barriers to intercourse
b) There are no issues of physical/emotional abuse such that separation might be a healthy consideration
c) You have not initiated with your spouse and have refused his/her initiations over a prolonged period of time
Shelia, would you agree?
I think the issue is also that many couples doesn’t communicate about illnesses or issues or anything, they just flat out refuse sex and then tension build up.
Roger, I’m not sure that it would be infidelity, but it WOULD be sin, I think. Just like lying isn’t stealing, but it’s still wrong? I think, though, that we can have “affairs” with something other than another sexual partner. For instance, if a spouse pours all their emotional and mental energy into work, or into the kids, or into a hobby (like video games), and then ignores the marriage, then I would say they were having a work affair, or a video game affair, or a kid affair, if that makes sense.
I understand not wanting to call it infidelity, but it is an unfaithfulness. Suffering through this in my marriage, I do TRULY feel cheated on. And yes I have tried to get her to see this, but the reply is always, “You just don’t understand.”
When you say “mutual” in reason 1, does that mean mutual orgasm or can mutual mean one orgasms, but the other almost never does, but says they are satisfied?
As one who hasn’t had sex in 14 months, and only 8 times in the last 4 years (not by my choice), I can say that all of these are spot on. And anyone who says otherwise are just fooling themselves – and probably heading for divorce court sooner or later.
What a powerful post. I think we do need to hold each other accountable for being intimate with our spouses. If you are choosing to not have sex, then there are some serious issues that need to be dealt with.
I think point 7: “inviting the enemy in” is huge! I’ve been thinking a lot lately how couples struggle to maintain sexual intimacy and singles fight so hard to avoid it. It seems like our sexual lives are a place that the enemy likes to target. First in singleness (by having difficulty controlling urges) and then into marriage when the urge is somehow shut down. I absolutely believe that sex is the glue that bonds marriages. And, I also agree that sex makes a couple feel more closely bonded to one another. It is certainly part of that “two become one” that should be happening in marriage.
Sheila or Julie, what are some of the guards that you often encourage couples to put in their marriage to encourage healthy sexuality?
Great list and great thoughts.
#3 is something people don’t often realize. The ONE THING that a married couple can do that is specifically reserved for them in Scripture is the act of sex. You can go grocery shopping with friends. You can catch a movie with anybody. You have dinner with family. But the one thing a husband and wife can do that sets that relationship apart from any other is the act of sex. It’s a major part of the two becoming one, not just in a figurative emotional manner, but an actual physical expression of that. Take sex from the marriage and there’s no functional difference between that sexless marriage and a couple people who just happen to live in the same residence.
I can’t imagine that’s what any married couple started out wanting to achieve in their marriage. Still, it’s what many end up with because they neglect this important aspect of a marriage.
Completely agree, Phil! I’d add you can love kids unconditionally, you can live with roommates, you can be affectionate with parents. But the only person you can have sex with is your spouse!
And if you take sex away you might as well just have a room mate and there is really no point in marriage in that case. In some countries there is more and more common for people to just live together just like they would be married and some laws apply just like for married people.
These kind of post just ugh me.. Why.. Well because I think about ppl in situations like mine.
I’m a stay at home mom, I have 5 kids, I’m needed constantly day and night. They are all still young. I’m tapped out. And guess what I hardly ever get help. If I wake him because my 2 yr old needs something in the middle of the night(and I’m nursing) he will have attitudes. 90% of the time I’m doing the work. He will crash out at 8pm even tho works not till 6am. That’s the kids bedtime… the way he treat my kids can be harsh and I find that very unattractive. We don’t talk, and yes I resent that we have a baby and I take care of them.. There’s no intimacy outside the bedroom, there’s no time for me wind down, draw close to him. There’s no love. So it would be just that sex, letting him get his so I wouldn’t feel guilty. Letting him use me like I was when I was younger… I’m sorry, but I don’t believe God made woman just to please the mans sexual desires. And that’s how some marriages are.
Giveing him sex constantly didn’t change anything. It just made me feel used and h feel good….
I feel for you, Tina. I also have small children and understand being tapped out. I’m sorry that you felt condemnation from this post. I’m sure that was not Sheila’s goal at all. It sounds like you and your husband need to work on several logistical issues (more time for you in the evenings, him helping more around the house, etc) before the sex can be addressed. Easier said than done, I know! Hang in there…you are not alone!
This makes me feel so bad. My husband and I (married 1 1/2 years) have had sex 3 times. We had sex before we got married and had multiple sex partners before we met. I was promiscuous in before I met my husband and used sex to feel “loved” because I hated myself and thought this was the only way to get any attention and “love” at all. Because all men I knew watched porn I tried to act like the pornstars in order to be “good enough” (I am crying writing this) and it has absolutely traumatized me. The thought of being touched that way (even though I love my husband) makes me want to run away and hide. I feel so dirty and used…I know that it is wrong and I have prayed and prayed about it and I have tried. My poor husband. Everytime we try (I initiate because he has no idea how to act with me anymore) I have to stop before anything happens, I cant stand to be touched and I start to panic. I want it to work so badly but I just cant help my mind and body reacting this way. I have now been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders and I plan to adress my sexual problems during my treatment too. Everything this article says is correct but I am still not able to act the way I know is right. I hope and pray that my husband and I can get out of this, it is heartbreaking and I miss being connected to him so much! I feel so guilty but I cant just “get over it”, I have tried and tried and tried…
If you’ve talked to him and explained all this and you are in therapy for this, I’d say you need to give yourself a break. You can’t force yourself to get over trauma. Work with your (Christian) counselor to address your issues, but realize that this will be a process. You can’t force yourself to undo all the damage you did to yourself over years and years over night. You need to give yourself time to heal. Try and keep your husband in the loop if you can. But don’t beat yourself up. It’s really counterproductive. Be patient and kind with yourself and if you’ve confessed your sin to Jesus, you have to let it go. And keep letting it go over and over again. You shouldn’t keep punishing yourself for sins that Jesus already forgave. Work on accepting his forgiveness.
So work with your counselor. Realize it will be a journey and it will be hard. But stick to it. Also, if your doctor and counselor thinks you should take meds for your depression, take the meds. It makes therapy a lot more do-able if you don’t feel this terrible crushing weight of sadness and exhaustion all the time.
What do you do when your spouse has an unreasonable idea of regular and frequent? My husband thinks once a month is regular and once a week is extremely frequent and only nymphomaniacs have it twice a week or more. He thinks I’m a pervert for wanting it 2-4 times a week. How do I make him see 2-4 times a week is average for young couples and only because young couples with a small child don’t have time for more and that before having a baby it’s normal to want it every day. (I only want it every second day so i don’t even see myself as high drive just average).
I feel like we’re in roommate zone and over the last few weeks I’ve tried telling him this. And it’s not just the sex either. We don’t do anything as a couple or a family either. He won’t do any activities outside the house. If I want to do something with the kids, I end up going alone. He won’t even do simple things like grocery shopping with me. I can’t do it alone and while he is happy to go, he often buys the wrong things like things I’m allergic to or forgets key ingredients. He’ll take our oldest daughter to sport but if I say lets go together, I get told “if you can go, take her yourself. No point both of us wasting our time”. I don’t see it as a waste and on days I can’t drive, it means I can’t go because he won’t go with me. Even at home he won’t do anything with me. He eats in front of the computer, he’ll do housework but not at the same time as me, he won’t watch a movie once a week with me (we used to watch a few a week), he won’t even go to bed with me – going to bed as soon as he gets home from work before the kids have even had dinner, sometimes as early as 4pm (meaning I can’t go to bed as the kids eat around 6pm and often struggling to make them go to bed by 9pm) or he’ll stay up til 4am or later knowing I’ll give up and go to bed without him.
I’ve shared houses before and I’ve had more interaction with housemates! And it’s effecting the kids.
Are there any blogs or books that explain to people the importance of spending time together as a couple or a family? Including sex but just general couple things and family things as well.
Your comment feel a bit different. It almost feels like your husband has a porn addiction. The symptoms you are describing are those of a porn addict. Or someone who has problems with ED. I hate to tell you this but you need to go through his search history while he at work and see if he is visiting adult websites or chat lines. It’s disturbing that he avoids going to bed with you.
Hi Matt, unfortunately I can’t check his history as I can’t access his account (it’s legitimate – it’s related to his work) but I do know how much porn he uses as I’ve seen the declarations he had to make about it to his work. It’s more than I’m comfortable with and enough to be hurtful, but not enough to explain his actions (I think his signed statement was 5-10 hours a month and he cares too much about his job to lie to them). I do know he has a really bad computer gaming addiction though – I’m talking 5-10 hours a day. Even when we do make it to bed together, I often fall asleep while he’s playing games on his phone.
None of it, not even if he does have a porn addiction that he is lying to me and his work about explains why he won’t go places with me if he has to go himself – like if he takes to take our kids places or go do the shopping or to the post office or whatever, why he won’t take me with him. I know he’s not getting up to no good because the other parents would say so at the kids’ activities and he spends so little time when he goes to the shops that I don’t know how he even finds time to buy all the things. It’s like he is actively avoiding spending any time with me at all. The irony is the only place he’ll go with me is church, and if I’m too sick or in too much pain to go, he won’t go.
Just wanted to add, it’s not ED. When we do have sex, everything functions fine. I do wish though he would follow up getting the extra blood tests his GP requested he get. His testosterone levels were on the very very low end of “normal”, so the doctor wanted some further specific tests done. Hubby can’t be bothered. I really think it’s a hormone issue, but he just won’t deal with it because he finds it insulting to his manhood to consider he could have a testosterone issue.
I got pregnant with our 4th child, and my husband completely abandoned me sexually. Baby boy is now approaching 7 months old and still nothing from him and our 10 year wedding anniversary is coming in days. I’m the kind of wife who always happily embraced intimacy, even if I did have a headache I still had fun with him. Feeling broken and undesired, having little value in his eyes. He won’t even kiss me goodnight anymore. Or hug me or touch me or even look into my eyes when we speak.
My h is an abusive porn addict. We have been married for almost 20 years and have had a technically sexless marriage from year two on and a few years ago it all stopped. We live as roommates. We haven’t went out in years and he refuses to spend time with me or the kids. Despite four years of Christian therapy, porn blockers, sexual addictions groups, & three accounability partners, he is still getting worse. I’ve filled for divorce and pray some how my children will make full recoveries from the divorce.
I’m so, so sorry, Hope. I pray that you AND your children will make full recoveries. How terribly tragic.
I ran across your comments while I was frustrated. I am a good husband and father. I am been faithful; however, it has not been easy. My wife simply is not interested in sex. It is a chore for her and then that makes me feel bad (mad). I send love notes; have discussed the seriousness of this lack of sex in our marriage; she says she knows it is her and she will try harder,etc. I cannot get my hope up any more. She will tell me “maybe” later tonight (or whenever). That moment never comes. She is too tired. I go to the doctor frequently making sure I am doing all the right things. I am a bodybuilder who competes in competitions occasionally. I do not have a bad looking physique. If I can appear on a stage with not much more on than underwear then I have to feel fairly confident. I buy underwear and such to make it more exciting and adventurous. I have bought it for her. I have now stopped because she had to buy a “new drawer” to put it in because she needed a place to put the stuff – out of sight and out of mind. She is not a healthy individual. Always too tired. She doesn’t eat right nor exercises at all any more. We ARE strong Christians and believe in the power of Christ. This one area keeps us so distant and angers me to the point of making myself sick. I am tired of talking. We have said the same things over and over for years. The argument is getting old. I have never cheated and neither is she. The only time she would wear sexy lingerie (and such) was when she wanted to have a baby. After that, it was only occasionally. I am not seeking answers because I do not know if there are any. I am TIRED of the husband always being blamed for this area of a relationship. And yes, I do more than my fair share of the responsibilities with daughter, cleaning entire house, car upkeep, everything in the yard and greenhouse, laundry detail every week, bathrooms, etc. I have prayed to Jesus over this matter many times. I have not heard anything from Him. I have even wanted to die because it has been so bad. Thanks again for sharing the truth on this subject. It is awful that churches do not touch the subject. It is a REAL part of life.
Hi Wayne,
I am so sorry that you are in such a painful and frustrating situation…its so hard to live without being close to you spouse physically and spiritually (I believe the two are closely connected). I have a sexless marriage because I have been through abuse and trauma…(Starting therapy now and hopefully that will help me to get over this). Could it be that your wife has experienced some kind of abuse that you dont know of? And has been to ashamed to tell you? I cant speak for all women but I can imagine that “being too tired” is not 100% honest…there must be a reason that she doesnt want that kind of intimacy and usually that would be because she is afraid and/or repulsed by it (and that doesnt automatically mean that that has anything to do with you! I LOVE my husband but I cant stand to be touched by him…) have you really honestly talked to you wife abou this, telling her exactly how you feel without making her feel guilty and without blaming her? In a quiet, calm voice? Have you asked her to be completely honest with you nomatter how painful that could be for her or you? I think that there might be something she hasnt been 100% honest about because it just might be to painful or embarrassing for her (I wasnt honest with my husband from the beginning, when I just couldnt bare being touched anymore I used to say I was tired, feeling sick etc because I was so ashamed)
Dont give up hope Wayne, the Lord sees you and he knows your pain! He has a plan for you and your family and I am sure you will get out of this…marriage can be so frustrating and painful but it teaches us how graceful and merciful the Lord is towards us because we have to learn how to show love, grace and mercy every single day…and that can be so hard! I will be praying for you 🙂 God bless
What can a woman do when her husband is suffering from Erectile Dysfunction due to Diabetes illness?……I feel I will NEVER be seduced again….I want my husband to make love to me SO badly…but since he’s begun to REALLY have this problem…he has shut down almost entirely physically..except a hug and kiss here and there. He is on medication for the problem..has tried a variety of ED medication aids Viagra etc…without much success. But NO means do I want to separate from my husband…I LOVE him VERY much….but I feel I will have to live like a NUN forever with him…eternally celibate…but NOT by choice. He won’t even initiate other ways to be intimate….I feel like I have to BEG him to even touch me that way…but I find it embarrassing to HAVE to ASK him to touch me, and act all desperate…but I TOTALLY am! 🙁 This is WAY more painful than I EVER thought possible 🙁
I’m SO sorry you’re going through this–so sorry! I do see a few good things in your note, though–your husband is willing to talk to a doctor, and he has tried some potential solutions (though without success). That means that at heart he isn’t happy with this state of affairs either!
He’s probably going through a grieving process of feeling as if he’s lost sex forever, and so he’s shut down. I have a series that I wrote a while back for wives with husbands with erectile dysfunction, and that may help you.
Two big thoughts: talk to him openly about how you don’t want to lose intimacy in marriage. You’re both grieving, but perhaps you’re both giving up too early. And two: schedule sex. Seriously. If it’s scheduled it’s expected so there’s less tension; he can take the viagra to see if that does help (even a bit), and you can at least know that every Saturday we’re going to have a bath together and touch each other and BE sexual, even if intercourse doesn’t happen.
I hope that helps! But you have to TALK–there’s no way of getting around it.
Hi,
I read the blog as I have done many others . For me the situation is nothing new as what some of the others have also experienced.
I have been married for over 6 years now. We had a troubled start with a separation for around 16 months almost 3 months after the marriage.
My love for her was so intense that I managed to forego all differences and got her back. I love her a lot .
The problem is I do not have any sex in my life anymore other than once a quarter or even less which also becomes mechanical and due to voicing up my frustration too much at times .
We have a 4 year old kid , and I guess he is the only bonding that is still making us live together. Otherwise I feel there is no more relationship existing.
I try to speak to my wife about this, approach her in multiple ways. Try to trigger and initiate the touch and feel . but nothing seems working . when I touch her also she makes faces or gives reasons which put off the complete purpose .
I feel really dejected and low at times and to stop the annoying questions to be answered I go and drink .
But I really do not see any solution to the situation.
I work hard to fulfil all needs , and if my duties are to fulfil all of them then what are her duties in the relationship.
I am trying not to just hunt out of marriage for sex , but I feel I am just on a dead lock.
Do you feel there is something I can try and do to get things changed.
Nb