If you’re in an emotionally destructive marriage, filled with emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual abuse, I pray that this post will help you today.
In January I challenged everybody to the Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge–read one book a month all year, on a set subject. This month’s was on setting boundaries in your marriage. For those in marriages characterized by mutual respect, where this wasn’t an issue, I suggested the awesome book Ask It by Andy Stanley. Then I had several other suggestions for those in different situations, culminating with The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick. And today I’d like to share 10 truths about those marriages, using many of Leslie’s words from the book.
1. Most Marriages Are Not Emotionally Destructive
If you are reading this blog, chances are your marriage is NOT emotionally destructive. I took Leslie’s 50 question quiz to find out how my marriage ranked, and I answered “never” to every single question. I’m married to a great guy–as many of you are.
And as Shaunti Feldhahn showed in her research for Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, in 90% of marriages each spouse genuinely wants the best for the other spouse.
However, even though most marriages are not emotionally destructive, emotionally abusive marriages are over-represented on this blog, because so many of you land here in crisis after a Google search.
2. Emotionally Abusive Marriages follow a pattern
In every marriage people may say cruel things during a fight. They may act inappropriately and harshly. I’ve yelled at my husband (though I haven’t called him names). He’s yelled at me.
But this isn’t typical of our marriage. Leslie Vernick says that a good marriage is one characterized by mutuality, reciprocity, and freedom. We each try to make it better. If a rule applies to one person, it applies to both (for instance, if one person has to make account for the money they spent, then both do. In abusive marriages, often one person forces this on the other without any reciprocity at all). And both spouses feel free to express opinions, make decisions, and choose how to act–even if in bursts of anger we may occasionally do the opposite.
On the other hand, Leslie Vernick says,
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
An emotionally destructive marriage is one where one’s personhood, dignity, and freedom of choice is regularly denied, criticized, or crushed. This can be done through words, behaviors, economics, attitudes, and misusing the Scriptures…
It’s characterized by repetitive attitudes and behaviors that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting her growth. This behavior is usually accompanied by a lack of awareness, a lack of responsibility, and a lack of change…
Emotional abuse systematically degrades, diminishes, and can eventually destroy the personhood of the abused.
Eventually the emotionally abused spouse (and either spouse could be abused) no longer feels like “me”.
3. Emotionally Abusive marriages make you sick
The stress from living in an emotionally destructive marriage takes its toll.
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
Your body feels it. Your stomach churns, your teeth grind, your hands clench, your jaw tightens, your head pounds, your legs shake, and your blood pressure rises. You cry, you can’t catch your breath, and you throw up.
When your husband is near your body starts to shake. Almost all women in these types of marriages experience physical symptoms: ulcers, digestive issues, migraines. And it only gets worse.
4. Emotionally Destructive marriages make you crazy
Abusive spouses seek to control their mates through manipulation, anger, rage, and deceit. They play mind games. And then, every now and then they perform acts of kindness to keep their spouses ambivalent about leaving.
But when our personhood is systematically denied and we aren’t allowed to express, or even have, feelings, we feel as if we’re going crazy.
Leslie writes,
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
Our emotions always serve a purpose, like the warning lights on a car dashboard. Ignoring them doesn’t make them go away, and often ignoring our feelings only makes the problem worse.
5. Most typical Christian marriage advice is exactly the wrong thing to do in an emotionally abusive marriage
To me, this is the most important point. I believe in biblical submission–with a firm emphasis on the word biblical. I do not believe in just plain submission. And yet over and over again in Christian blogs and in Christian books we’re told how submission turned their marriage around. How submission was the key to marital happiness.
That may be true–as long as you’re not in an emotionally abusive marriage. As soon as you are, acting in a typically submissive way only makes it worse, as I shared in this post about how not all advice is one size fits all.
Yet too often we in the church are told that the only proper response for a wife towards her husband is to defer to him–a position that ignores the entire book of Proverbs, most of the Pauline epistles, and how Jesus Himself acted towards injustice.
In many emotionally destructive marriages, wives have spent years reading marriage books on how to make their marriages better. They’ve tried everything they can get their hands on–but nothing works, and in fact things often get worse, because the typical advice doesn’t fit.
I’ll let Leslie Vernick speak to this,
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
We’ve misdiagnosed a marriage that has terminal cancer and treated it as if it were only suffering from a common cold. We’ve also misplaced the responsibility for keeping the marriage alive by putting an extraordinarily heavy burden on a wife’s shoulders to somehow maintain a loving and warm relationship with a husband who treats her with cruelty, disrespect, deceit, and gross indifference. It’s not feasible, nor is it biblical…
When you are the only one in your marriage caring, repenting, being respectful and honest, sacrificing, and working toward being a better spouse, you are a godly wife, but you don’t have a healthy or biblical marriage…
In some marriages, trying harder does not engender a reciprocal response. It has the opposite effect. It feeds the fantasy that the sole purpose of your life is to serve your husband, make him happy, and meet his every need. It feeds his belief of entitlement and his selfishness, and it solidifies his self-deception that it is indeed all about him.
6. If you’re in an emotionally destructive marriage, be good, don’t be nice
In every marriage, our goal should be to encourage people to be more godly–and that should be all the more so in marriage because we are the helpmeet.
If we act in such a way that we solidify his self-centeredness (or her self-centeredness), then we aren’t being good or loving.
One woman said to Leslie,
I made our marriage worse by never speaking up, by being too nice, by not expressing my needs, and by accommodating Charlie even at my own expense. I went along thinking that this was my role as a godly woman, a submissive wife, a biblical helpmate.
7. To love your husband in an emotionally abusive marriage is to be concerned about his welfare and his soul
Leslie writes,
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
Biblically loving your husband doesn’t require you to prop him up in order to enable him to continue to hurt you. It involves something far more redemptive…
He needs a wife who will love him enough to tell him the truth and to respectfully challenge his selfishness, his self-absorption, and his self-deception.
What can you do to help your husband grow? You refuse to accept behaviour that is destructive and abusive.
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
When you put your foot down and say, “I will not allow myself or the kids to be treated this way anymore. It’s destructive to me, to them, and to our marriage,” you are not going against God by speaking the truth in love. You are standing for goodness, for truth, and for the healing and restoration of your marriage.
If you don’t know how to do that, Leslie lists some very practical examples of how you can set repercussions and boundaries for destructive behaviour while still making sure you and the children are safe. She talks practically about how to get a team around you for support, how to express to him what you will and will not accept, and how to start a process which can lead to him understanding what being a godly man is.
8. The Bible clearly says that if you are married to a fool, being nice only makes the fool worse
If people are doubting whether women have the “right” to put these kinds of ultimatums to their husbands, then I’d suggest you read the book of Proverbs and look at how God tells us to treat fools. Leslie explains in detail these Bible passages and how they apply to marriage.
And she looks at one example we have of a woman who was married to a fool–Abigail who was married to Nabal in 1 Samuel 25–and how she went against his wishes and was not submissive because she put God first.
9. We are to obey God, not man–especially an emotionally abusive man (or woman)
Following your husband into sin may be submissive, but it is not biblically submissive. Allowing him to berate you and your children may be submissive, but it is not biblically submissive.
As Peter says in Acts 5:29, “We must obey God rather than man.”
10. God cares about the individuals in your family more than he cares about your marriage
Finally, if you’re in an emotionally abusive marriage, know that God sees you and grieves for you. In her book, Leslie shows through Scripture how God feels when His children are physically and emotionally hurt. He cries with you.
And she shows how the verse “God hates divorce” is often used against women in abusive marriages, rather than against the husbands who have made the rift–which is who that verse was directed at in the first place!
Leslie writes,
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
Maybe you think that God is more interested in preserving your marriage than the well-being of you and your children, but that is not true…
Joanne realized that her marriage, although important to her, had become idolatrous. Keeping it together was what controlled her, not the love of Christ…
A wife is not a body to use but a person to love.
And finally, let me leave you with this:
Most of you reading this are not in emotionally abusive marriages–but some are. And I want you to know that God cares. That you are not alone. And that He wants you to get help. Maybe that first step is picking up a copy of Leslie Vernick’s The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, which outlines how to identify your marriage, how to seek help, and how to do the hard work of seeing if the marriage can be saved. I encourage you to get it–it will give you hope!
Let me know–have you been in an emotionally destructive marriage? Or do you know someone who is right now? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I agree with the article, but some people wants divorce for the smallest thing, he can look at his wife the wrong way and she wants a divorce. I think that if you are in a abusive relationship you should definitely separate and try to work things out and exhaust all options. Also stay single and celibate while separated and until divorce is final. Go out and meet new people while going through hard times is definitely a recipe for failure. Also don’t talk to your ‘friends” and family about your spouse because they often like to push their opinion on you but talk to a unbiased counselor.
I don’t think that it’s typical for a wife to suddenly want a divorce over something small like being looked at the “wrong way”. There probably would be a lot hurt behind a “rash” decision like that. I’ve heard that many husbands say that the marriage was getting better before their wife asked for the divorce, when in fact she had just given up and quit fighting.
I am evidence of your very words. I have lived with an angry husband who struggles to react in any other way. We’re both Christians and it is a second marriage for both of us. I’ve put up with his emotional outbursts & watched him verbally abuse my kids (which now I struggle with guilt over), because I thought staying was the “godly” thing to do. The kids are all grown now and out of the house and there is just me to react to so he has gotten better. He sometimes apologizes after the fact but I have gotten to the point that even the smaller things that he gets mad about feel like deal breakers to me. I’m just so tired of it; of the tantrums, the hyper-sensitivity to almost everything I say (and what others say because I’m the one he vents to) and feeling like his feelings take precedence over a loving relationship.
I know EXACTLY how you feel! This is my first marriage – 30 years of this! I was taught to love my husband and to submit to him. We are both Christians too and he did the same thing to our children. They are now grown and out of the house except for one. The one at home is 27 and he sees what his father does but feels I don’t have the right to leave after investing 30 years. He thinks I should just suck it up and deal with it. My husband will “pay nice” in front of others but when he gets in his moods there’s no stopping him. He is intolerable. He flaps is arms around so he has everyone’s attention and belittles me in front of others as well as in private and tries to make me feel small and unimportant. Mind you I am an assertive person and I stand up for myself with everyone else but he has a way of twisting things and making everything my fault. I am finding it hard to explain to people what he is doing because I feel it comes out whiny. For example, he joined some groups at church and now when we attend, he goes off and talks with his friends like I’m not even with him. He hasn’t even bothered to introduce me to anyone. It’s like I’m a roommate not a wife. It makes me not want to go to church anymore.
I have prayed and prayed and read every book available but with just one person trying to make this “marriage” work it’s not working at all. I am so tired…just tired.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore but because we have some financial issues to resolve I can’t leave until these have been handled. I don’t feel there is anything left to save.
Saw Pam’s comment and goodness, apart from my hubby being a non-Christian {he said he’s agnostic or something}, everything she said is exactly how things are with my marriage!
It is so hard. If one were to learn about the things I and the children went through in the 20-odd years we’ve been in this marriage, my sanity {for choosing to stay} would be questioned. He was my first and last relationship, and please believe me when I say that I jumped through all the hoops and circles to make him happy and help him build himself. Over the years, he has made quite a name for himself. Rubbed my nose in it, too, about how far he has left me behind. I was left behind to mind the children, whom my hubby just didn’t prioritise. Our children have experience milestones and he just wasn’t around. They would get sick, be recognised for academic excellence, humanitarian efforts and advocacies in the Far East, and he just wasn’t around. He played ideal hubby and model father on social media, though, and dress up we did whenever the part calls for a “model family.”
We have three children, two of whom are now away at college, and an 8-year old boy who teachers think is gifted. The two are in favour of separation. They have been silent witnesses to the hurts and abuse that raged through the years, and now acknowledge how toxic it has gotten. One has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder; the other exhibits symptoms of depression, too, and before leaving to return to the uni, said he experiences chest pains and other physical aches in the presence of his dad.
I stayed in the marriage to ensure they don’t grow up victims of a broken home. Now, it all seems like I and my children are the broken, wounded ones. I feel like staying is the wrong decision; I’ve cried to the Lord over this.
Thanks, Leslie, for writing about marriages. It has helped validate me: that I wasn’t just “thinking it,” that I am not being crazy. Abuse is abuse, and no one deserves to be in an abusive marriage.
Oh, Lee, I’m so sorry. So very sorry, for you and the children. I do believe that you can find real freedom! God has never forgotten you, and He values you, and it wounds Him when you are treated like this, too.
I commented earlier but after reading the other comments, would like to offer a suggestion. I’ve been reading a book called “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. It’s an old book that I found among the reading material in my mother’s estate. I started reading it because I thought my husband was codependent. I guess I didn’t understand the word. I thought it meant “a person who depends heavily on another, for their happiness.”, when indeed it includes people who feel pressured to please others and take on responsibilities that are not theirs in order to control a situation or feel better themselves (which includes “keeping the peace.”) I was surprised to find that I am codependent. Although this knowledge hasn’t changed my situation, it has empowered me somewhat to start thinking differently about my marriage. –If your’e a Christian, don’t be put off that she refers to “your higher power” in the beginning. She reverts to just saying “God” as the book goes on. Have you read this book, Shiela? If so, what did you think of it?
I just ordered the book Codependent no more. Thank you for name of the book and the author!
Perhaps, but just because someone is hurt doesn’t mean the husband did it.
I recall my UNFAITHFUL ex-wife wouldn’t let me compliment her. If I told her she was beautiful, I was told to stop.
Not wanting to be controlling. After all, who am I to tell someone she has the wrong idea about herself, after I heard her complaints and requests to stop enough times, I stopped.
With some people, you really can’t win. Worse, you can’t not lose. (I hope the distinction is clear. We shouldn’t try to win at the expense of our spouse, but some of us were/are in the circumstance where we are/were simply trying to not lose.)
Some people are broken and they choose hurtful, destructive behaviors to address their hurt. They blame you for their choices to have affairs and take your child. (I’m her mom, of course I should have her. My affair was right, God wanted me to be happy. If you loved me, you would know what to do. )
And of course, the church is complicit. When I went to our pastor, the first question is what did you do to force her to have an affair. Well, I should say former pastor. If you get the blame when your wife is having an affair, it is unlikely you’ll get any helpful advice. I don’t think they even confronted her. I know that when I asked for the next step in the church discipline process spelled out in Matthew 18, I was told they don’t do that.
I might be a great engineer, but I can’t figure out people.
And somehow, it gets turned around and made into it being my fault.
I believe almost ALL issues in a marriage are created by both. The pastor could have used some more tactful words, but ultimately, he had a point: if one person is having an affair, it may be a sign of some underlying issues both partners have to work on, such as creatiing more intimacy and communication. I also read how your wife did not accept any compliments, etc. I know how so many women sabotage the efforts of their husbands and in the end it spirals out of control. Sometimes causing the man to be abusive and then all the fingers are pointing to him. I think it is RARE that an abusive husband is abusive in isolation. If the woman constantly rejects him, criticises or (subtly) controls his every move, then I would get angry, too! So I think marriage issues are often a mirror for what is going on with each individual. I cannot stand it when ONE of the two is fully blamed. It is rarely so.
This is such a dangerous comment. I was going to delete it, but I thought that I would let it through so that it could be evidence of why abuse flourishes in Christian circles.
We cannot CAUSE someone to be abusive. Some people are just evil. Being abusive is a decision that a person makes. It is never caused by the person who is abused.
If that is so, then Jesus was to blame for getting crucified. And yes, He did “bait” them because He was righteous! He healed on the Sabbath. He told people to follow the heart of God rather than the letter of the law. Is He thus to “blame”?
Yes, sometimes women’s behaviours do provoke men’s violence. That doesn’t necessarily mean, though, that they shouldn’t have done those things. For instance, the most dangerous period in an abusive relationship, the time when a woman is most likely to be killed, is when she leaves him and tries to separate. Does that mean that she was wrong to leave? That she should have stayed with him?
What, exactly, did the Jews do that provoked the Nazis?
Abuse is not justified. Ever. It is not a person’s fault for “provoking” anybody. Period.
Abuse is never anyone’s fault. No one does or says things to validate abuse. I completely disagree with the comments above.
I was in an extremely abusive marriage for thirteen years. Often times my children and I would tiptoe and whisper around the house so as not to anger my husband or he would explode at us. If I went to church and did anything he did not approve of (stopping to talk to an elderly person, taking too long to put on my coat), he would become angry. Once he took me home and demanded I get out of the car and go inside while he took the children out to eat Sunday dinner because I was a disgusting disappointment to him. I have been made to get out of my car and walk, I have even been threatened with a gun at one point.
Please do not ever assume abuse is partially the fault of the abused. I am living proof that it is not. Abuse is sinful, disgusting, cowardly behavior.
If your argument that abuse is partially the fault of the victim were really true, then abused children would be partially to blame for abuse when they are victims of child abuse.
Obviously that is not the case and isn’t in marriage either. Please be more careful with your comments and arguments. Comments like this are what caused me to stay 13 years in extreme abuse and I lived in total fear and no safety.
Matt, I mean this with the upmost respect but your comment is how women get guilt-tripped into staying these situations. I’ve been in an abisive marriage and tried everything I could to hold it together and I ended up with PTSD. We can’t judge anyone, we don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors. The best thing we can do is to love and support them in prayer. By the way, My ex was a “war hero”. He saved hundreds of people in battle and received some big medal for it. No one knew he was abusive and still wouldn’t. Please don’t judge.
Well said, I gave this book to my former wife when she and I were on the verge of divorce but I feel that Leslie’s comments reinforced her to go through with filing for divorce and leaving our marriage than doing everything to try to save it. My ex-wife was having an affair and yes we were having issues and I was willing to go to counseling for my anger issues and even willing to leave the ministry of which we were pastors for 2 decades. While emotional abuse is a very real issue, we must be careful not to stress the biblical importance of the covenant of marriage that Dr. Chapman so clearly does in his book on Reconciliation. Leslies book seem to give my ex wife false ammunition to go ahead and break our marriage up and destroy our church as well as wreak havoc on our children. Dr. Phil says a spouse should earn their way out of a marriage by doing everything they can and turning over every rock so they can say they have. I think Leslis Vernick should rethink some issues in her book by stressing this importance and reinforcing the covenant of marriage. Our marriage was NOT divoreable and I believe had her book been more in line with like what Dr. Chapman’s book stress, our marriage could have been saved.
At what point did you ‘become willing’ to go to counseling etc, Barry? Was it at the point where she had finally had enough? I begged my husband to go to counseling for years, but he refused until I was on the point of leaving. We are still together, by the way, not that it is a great marriage by any means, and I wish that I had had Leslie’s book years ago.
Thanks for the article! I have read the book and I am in an emotionally destructive marriage. I am currently trying to figure out my next step.
It seems to me Barry, that men will blame anything and anyone for their angry abusive behaviour. They will make all kinds of excuses about why they are angrily abusive and treat Gods daughters with contempt. And angrily abusive men will remain in denial that they had a significant role in the break down In their family relationships. Women and children quickly lose trust in the one person who is supposed to cherish and nurture them, with every angry outburst. Men don’t see that harsh, unkind leadership belittles their wives and children. When this abuse goes on long enough there is an unavoidable silent divorce that occurs. Men are often guilty of murdering their wives with their anger and pride but get away with it because the shell of their wives is still going through the motions. I can only hope your wife got out and to safety in time.
Well, of course Barry’s wife shouldn’t have had the affair, I’ll give him that. But he would have us believe that she didn’t try hard enough to save their marriage, even though he admits to “anger issues” and she stayed married to him for at least 20 years. That does not sound plausible. The thing about abuse and personality disorders is that they will persist after decades of the other person trying to love them through it. My first husband also was willing to get counseling AFTER I asked for a divorce. That is a common pattern. And Barry, that is pretty crummy of you (although completely predictable) that you are accusing your wife of destroying your church and wreaking havoc on your kids just by getting away from you.
My husband threw his sons glasses away on purpose and he put lying order of protections on me and my son
Lori, that is terrible. Please seek out some help. Go to the police or a women’s shelter and ask for advice. You do have rights, and people can help you.
I definitely agree with the 10 truths! I’m not the only one to has gone through abuse before and i definitely won’t be the last one either. But, saying no is the hardest part. Usually, i am the one trying to fix everything in ANY way possible. But, sometimes you have to just stop and think for a second and review everything from even before you two got together. Think of causes and effect and if you are one of those wives, like me, where you only somewhat understand your husband only because he won’t talk to you or tell you everything even when you ask nicely then dont overcompensate for what he isnt doing. It’s taken me a while to get to this point where I’m not texting him or calling him or going to see him often (due to different reasons) and basically now I’m waiting for him to be the one to try anything and everything to try to save our Marriage. If i dont see an effort which i havent in two days so far, you just have to keep waiting and give it to God and pray things will work out for the best and for your spouse and your children too… i could write so very much about the subject of abuse since I’ve dealt with it in numerous different waysby different people my entire life… and now I’m just not doing what i usually do and am just being patient on what will happen next. I’m trying to figure out if God wants me with him, or if it will be better if it’s just the twin girls and i since i am a 100% stay at home mom with them and enjoy it more than being with him sometimes honestly… i know that is bad but, he has definitely changed and so have i and we both have pros and cons changes in us due to being Married or at least together… you see i believe the past should stay there and not come up in future arguments. I believe that i shouldn’t be cussed at for something so small like forgetting to hang a towel back up after i use it or putting any tem somewhere it doesn’t go, and i believe i should be able to ask about money things and about who he is talking to and what about because I’m still his wife and instead of getting upset he should be willing to talk to me about that stuff since we really don’t talk about hardly anything and he is on the computer or PlayStation, sleeping or working, or hanging out with a bad influence that i’m not allowed to tell him he cant hangout with anymore because i don’t like it… it’s all just getting to much there is SO MUCH MORE that’s been going on don’t even get me started on the sexual pleasure thing either. I am just glad that i have subscribed to “To Love Honor and Vacuum” i go to check my email and read every new post she puts up and gives me some great advice and I’ve used the advice of course only if it fits to my Marriage since every Marriage is different… so i just want to say thank you and you probably have a lifelong regular subscriber fan. Lol. Thanks Sheila.
Hi Heather, so sorry you’re walking through this, and so glad I can be an encourager to you!
I just want to emphasize something you said, which Leslie deals with a lot, too. In a marriage, both parties should feel as if they have full access to money and know what’s going on with the money (that’s reciprocity). Both parties should feel free to ask the other about where they’re going (that’s reciprocity, too). Both parties should feel safety, not worrying that they will be yelled at, belittled, or have their things broken (that’s freedom). I’m sorry that you’re not experiencing this, but I pray that your husband may understand what it means to be a godly man.
I pray that others surround you and your little girls as you try to stand up for what’s right.
Hi Heather,
I know your comment is almost a year old but I just saw it. How did you finally solve your situation? I’m going through the same and your comment sounds just like my story. I also have two(not twins) girls. Thank you.
I was in a marriage like this for ~5 years, and the best thing to happen for me was my abuser leaving me for someone else. It hurt like the dickens at the time, but oh, I am so much better off now than I was back then!
Maybe that 50 question quiz should be online somewhere so everyone can take the test. Not all of us can afford to buy a book.
I found it online at Leslie’s site! Here it is.
yes, I agree! 🙂 Then if we are – we know it’s worth the $ to buy the book! 🙂
This is a good reminder for me that, for all our problems, I am not in a marriage that is “emotionally destructive.” I am married to a good man who inadvertently wounds me with his neglect and misplaced priorities. The emotional pain is still there, though.
Absolutely, Meredith! That’s such an important distinction to make. In every marriage we will wound each other, and that DOES hurt, and we do need to work through it. The difference is that in good marriages there is goodwill there. In emotionally destructive marriages the other person does not care about the spouse except in terms of what they can do for them, and that’s so dangerous.
The last two comments hit the nail on the head for me. And I am so grateful for your blog Sheila, thank you. I have looking and searching and praying for understanding and support in an emotionally neglectful / abusive marriage of 16 years for many of those… and really haven’t found the validation until now. I really hope you are able to read and respond to my question even though this post was so long ago. But first some background… my husband was not angry nor verbal abusive. He was absent. Absent emotionally, absent as a father to our children, absent financially, and on and on. When I read the part of “mutuality, reciprocity… etc.” that confirmed for me that my pain and speaking to them was not unwarranted… which he made me feel… that I was the crazy one by being emotional. He flirted with other woman, defended all others over/instead of me when wrong was done to me and the girls… and was uncaring and unloving when I finally became ill. Because Im a therapist… I knew why my husband was absent and emotionally unavailable… so this understanding gave me compassion for him. But over the years, it turned to anger for me, bitterness and depression. When a husband is not overtly abusive… the neglect and absence is hard to pin point… similar to gas lighting. This was the first notion for me that I was in an abusive relationship. But the pain of not being seen, heard, having support financially or with any other marriage concerns… only sex or fun, like trips, etc… that I planned… was all we had. Projects kept our marriage alive for so long, like renovating our house…and again my compassion and understanding of his own dysfunction. But when I became sick and hated myself… and saw the effects of my truthspeaking to him about his neglect… on our 2 daughters… I knew I had become imbalanced and needing to leave. In fact, it was my only choice. I felt crazy with him… and today… after 1 year of separation … I still do when I need to bring up an important issue that involves me or the girls…such as my father dying. I can’t quite explain the pain that arises when I would share my symptoms about my health, or about losing my father, or about our daughters issues. The response was nothing. No feeling, no dialogue… in fact he would leave the room b/c he didn’t know how and wouldn’t try despite counselling attempts. The loneliness and neglect I would feel carrying the burdens of all responsibility and not be cared or loved in return was debilitating. The issue now Sheila is, now that I am in recovery… and when I do set boundaries and speak to his behaviours that are painful…. and I continue to get nothing in return but arrogance now b/c he doesn’t have to hear me anymore… I go into a mini depression for speaking to him about it. Over the years when I began to speak to it and so no more… you need help, you need to pray… this is destructive to me and the family… and get nothing in return, not even a response… I would feel the neglect moreso… and feel unlovable, or that i was the one at fault b/c I had become “critical” or angry at times. I don’t know how to heal this…. I feel horrible for speaking the truth through gods love. Your post helped me see that I am doing the right thing. I feel now I should have left years ago…. but stayed to help preserve the family and show the girls we can heal anything with love. But we couldn’t. There was no reciprocity, no love returned… no gratitude, no sensitivity. See… Im sounding critical… and then I blame myself again… and feel sorry for him. Why couldn’t I stop this feeling from happening? Is this the co-dependence? Is this the duality of being in an abusive relationship with someone we love? The love and the pain? Then its not love… even when he is not doing it intentional… Im still here, at this place… and I need to move on. But knowing I was not loved for so long, in an emotionally abusive relationship, and speaking to it … is so painful… why is that?
Hi Tamara, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! That must be so, so lonely. But I wonder if what you’re feeling is just plain grief? Grief not just for losing your husband, but grief for losing a dream. You had a dream and an expectation that your husband would love you, and with each interaction you’re realizing that he didn’t. So it’s grief over never being loved the way that you should have been.
And perhaps your drive to talk to him about important things is still that urge to find out if just maybe he really does love you and can be there for you?
I think the longer you go without talking to him the less that drive to ask him things will be. But it will be hard. And you’ll need new friends, and people around you, and likely a counsellor yourself. I’m so sorry that he is so lost. That’s a tragedy indeed.
The book is masterfully written and eye opening. Every woman and her daughters and especially the men in her life should read it.
Nancy
Thank you for writing this. I am married to an alcoholic and he is verbally abusive. He plays mind games and rarely comes home so he can drink. When he does come home, he is either a blubbering mess and emotionally and verbally abusive and ignores me entirely. He screams at me and wakes up the kids and I am sick of it. Over the past month I have finally gotten the courage and strength through the Lord Jesus to tell my husband that his behavior towards me is wrong and I will no longer put up with it – he needs to get help or consequences will follow. I have been trying very, very hard to be the godly wife who serves him, looks nice for him, keeps up the home, desires to spend time with him shows interest in him and has sex with him regularly just to be treated worse the better I “behave” as a wife. Some days I am acres but the Lord is strengthening me and helping me to be brave. I still love and pray that he gets help but for now, my kids and I will not be living this way anymore. It’s heartbreaking because I love him so much and would support him all the way if he were to get help and forgive him for all of the abuse.
Oh, Anna, I’m so sorry that you’re walking through this! It souns, though, as if God has been whispering to you and speaking to you and strengthening you and you are taking some very positive steps without getting bitter. That’s so wonderful! Let us join with you in prayer for your marriage and for your husband’s heart.
Thank you for your prayers. I still love him and I am praying that he is freed from his addiction and that God rescues his heart. And also for me to heal and that my heart would be able to heal and separate itself from he whom I truly become one with
In an abusive marriage like depicted above.. Even getting a book like this Is hard. Especially when finances are controlled, mail is checked and looks like a model husband and father to everyone around. Trusting God and making steps to heal my heart and to keep his promises. Thank you for articles like these.
Absolutely, Jill. If possible, people should reach out to friends who may be able to aid them get a copy or figure out what steps to take. Sometimes we just have to be brave and ask for help!
Oh, man, can I ever attest to the truths of this post. For me, it took eight years of praying. God lifted that burden for him and for my family last Fall. Were it not for one very wise woman who told me to guard my heart and teach that to my children, I’m certain we would be divorced. Last October, I told God I wanted out of our covenant, because my husband’s past and his extreme anger (verbal and emotional, not physical except on inanimate objects) was destroying our family. I remember vividly the day I can say things changed. I had just told him that I wasn’t going to marriage counseling with our pastors anymore because I had to guard my heart. I expected another verbal onslaught. I braced myself for it. Except that it didn’t happen. We talked for hours that night. And then, we went to see my mom-in-love (she has dementia and is in hospice now) in January. That weekend, my husband started expressing this tenderness and love for me I have never seen before from him. So getting an email from him a few days ago like this was totally unexpected, but as a wife, made me so grateful that my husband has suddenly begun to comprehend the love of Christ in his life and he’s now passing it on, yeah. Totally made the heartache and the prayer worth it. I have to brag on him, because I’m still so much an awe in the change God has worked in his life.
He said…
I first of all thank you for the goodness that you have bestowed on my life through the relationship I have with my wife Rachael. I thank you that she is strong in many ways and is a source of strength for me, a source of encouragement, even when I don’t feel like it. God without Rachael I would be a very lonely man. She is my best friend, the one who has my heart as her best interest. No one is like her. I love how you have shaped her physically, mentally and spiritually. She is the perfect fit to my life. She is everything I want and need in a help mate. I thank you for the blessing that she is and all that she does to be a blessing. I ask you for your favor upon her life. She is my good thing, she is the favor of God on my life.
That’s wonderful, Rachael!
I am now married to a wonderful man, but I lived for years in an emotionally abusive relationship. Point #5 onward are like breaths of fresh air to the woman attempting to be godly in the midst of manipulation and abuse. Hang in there, life can be better and the Lord will deliver you if you have the courage to follow!
Thanks for that word of encouragement, Missy! So glad God brought you a wonderful marriage.
Hi Sheila. Thanks so much for posting this article. I am in a marriage like you describe, and I am making plans to separate from my husband this week. I am familiar with this book as I have read it in the past, and I am planning to read it again soon. I looked at the quiz again, and it’s so disheartening to answer frequently to most of the questions, as well as one or 2 always. This is not the life I dreamed of for me or my precious kids :'(
I’m so sorry, R! Please know that God CAN redeem if the person’s heart is open, and I think taking a step where you set a firm boundary is exactly what you need to do if you’re in a relationship like this. Often people report that they never would have changed without realizing that this was the last straw–they would lose their family otherwise. Strength and blessings to you, and prayers that you will have godly people supporting you through this difficult time.
Boundaries are wonderful when they are honored. But, my husband plows right through them. I have no way to enforce my boundaries especially if they conflict with his boundaries or expectations. I answered “sometimes” & “frequently” & a few heartbreaking “always” I am in counseling for my problems & he won’t participate in couples counseling which is fine w me since I wouldn’t feel safe sharing. Everything I’ve ever told y husband is thrown back in my face later in his arsenal of verbal attacks. I’m waiting for support of my church but they seem reluctant or not equiped to assist us to avoid another seperation. I am unemployed mother of 2. I’m praying that counseling will help me gain the empowerment to stand up for myself in love & truth instead of joining in the crazy when I reach my threshold of tolerance (it very high & takes a lot to get me to boiling point) I don’t want him to go the rest of his life this miserable I love him too much to see him ruin his life & our marriage.
I’m so sorry, Carolina. That sounds awful.
And I’m sorry that your church isn’t more supportive. Perhaps it’s time to find a different body of believers who can be there for you when you need it! I’m glad your counselor is helpful, though.
I understand you and your situation completely. Hope you are okay and doing well now.
I hope that women will also read this post with an open mind as to how they may literally emotionally abuse their husbands. Especially “now a days” (probably forever) women are soooo critical and controlling of men. In a very abusive way many times. And of course nobody will take a man seriously if he says he’s being abused. Especially emotionally. Even sadder, the women doing the abuse will say their husband is the abuser because he isn’t obeying them 100% of the time or making them “happy” (something abusers seem to be incapable of in reality). I suppose an abusive man does the same thing. He heaps the blame towards his wife so it looks like she’s the bad guy. I guess its a universal abuse thing. I have a friend whose abusive wife left him and, especially with her bizarre behavior during the divorce and custody proceedings, he’s fully realizing the gift he’s been handed. The worst part of all is when the abusers call themselves Christians and cause awful harm to the Kingdom.
To be fair, we all have stuff we can work on. Neither abusers nor abusees are perfect. But it’s virtually impossible to make yourself perfect enough for an emotional abuser. They have a laundry list of your flaws and as soon as you fix those ones the list regenerates with all new stuff. It’s so obviously their problem.
Absolutely, Merrie Beth! And we are all fallen human beings–abusers can come in all genders, ages, and sizes.
Merrie Beth, my father is the exact way you described, making my mother look like the bad guy. One day (and I heard him say it) My mom told my father, “If it was possible, you’d find something wrong with God and fix it for him.” and my father answered, “You’re right, I would.” To say the least, I was shocked! To have my father, who is emotionally destructive, think that if there was something wrong with God he could fix it for him? I’m glad that God is perfect!
According to the quiz which was linked to, I am positively in an emotionally destructive marriage…
My spouse is now openly committing adultery. There is so much that has happened over the past few weeks and months…
I feel so lost, and have no idea what to do anymore. I just pray and try to be a godly example to the children. My wife is no longer here with us in the martial home.
Hi. I’ve seen you around on blog and I’m very saddened by your comments.
I just wanted to know I’ve been praying for you. I hope your doing better now.
Hello, alchemist.
I make it day by day by the grace of God. My children live with me full time, and their mother already has plans to move out of state and to marry someone else later this year. Our divorce is finalized.
I was faithful to her throughout our entire marriage, yet everyday I felt totally alone. Love was never reciprocated, and she lived in a continuous pattern of unfaithfulness.
Honestly, I feel so alone. I am told that I should not even think about dating anyone until my kids are 18 and moved out. I feel hopeless, as though no woman would ever want anything to do with someone like me. I am disabled, and I receive benefits through Social Security. I maintain a good budget, & I have very good credit. I live on my own, and I take good care of my children. But I feel so alone.
I am not trying to be negative. Just stating facts. I love God, and I love my boys so much. But I want to be in love with a godly woman. I don’t want to rush a marriage, but I do want to be married again, and I want to stay married until my eyes close in death. I absolutely love being your father, but I hate being single.
Thank you so much for praying for me. I cannot really talk to many people at my church about how I feel. Honestly, I feel that many are treating me differently because I am divorced. So, for the most part, my social life consists of my kids, and that is about it.
Thank you again, so much, for your prayers. Believe me, it means so very much to me. For the most part, with the exception of my kids, I feel invisible. It really means a lot to me to know that you, a stranger, are praying for me.
I apologize for the misappropriated word usage in my last post. I typically use voice dictation on my mobile phone to type out messages. As much as I try to proofread, I do miss some things. I do not like to use the ampersand (“&”) as a shorthand for “and”. Also, I meant to say that I love being “a father”, not “your father”. Please forgive me for missing those errors.
Once again, thank you for your prayers.
Alchemist is not the only one praying for you.
Thank you so much.
I can’t really give you a huge spiritual answer. But your story is almost identical to my husbands. 22 years of marriage, wife left via text, to another man and left their son behind. He is on disability. When we met he confessed he thought “no one would want to be with me and my limitations.” But his heart was not limited in any sense of the word and it was and always will be his greatest gift to me. The loving, kind, humbleness , yet also very strong and faithful condition he kept his heart in, after what could have put him to bitterness, is now a heart I can trust and love and be friends with. Stay focused on your kids that is good. They need you. But keep a little hope for yourself too. God sees and knows you. 🙂
To hurting husband I am so sorry for your hurt. I feel the same way. I was in a very lonely marriage. I have my kids and love them so much. My son manages to get my son away from me when he turned 19. Now he is 21 and I don’t get to ever see him. My son has taken him away from our family and my son depends on him financially. I am hurting too. All I have is my other two kids. 14 and 16. However, they are older now and not home much. I am by myself and feel very lonely. I feel your pain and understand where your coming from.
I understand you and your situation completely. Hope you are okay and doing well. I share a majority of your background like being disabled. Being a women with no other options it seems. Don’t have anywhere to turn or go.
Great article. I’m sure there are women out there who really need to hear this. But I do disagree on one little thing. I didn’t read the book but you said that Abigail was NOT submissive to Nabal. My pastor recently gave a message about biblical submission and I thought it was really great. Abigail was his example of submission. He explained that submission is really just putting the other person and their wellbeing above your own. Abigail did go against what Nabal said but she actually risked her own life to save Nabal’s life when she went to David with gifts. 🙂
Such a good point, Judith, and what I was trying to say about the difference between BIBLICAL submission and just plain submission. Thanks for clarifying that!
I didn’t see a link to a quiz? Where is it?
Right here!
Off topic, but how did you turn “here” into a hyperlink? I’ve tried doing that in comments before, and couldn’t figure it out (embarrassing). Appreciate your post, as usual!
You know what? It’s probably because I’m not commenting from the main page; I’m using the blog dashboard.
But the code for turning something into a hyperlink is explained here.
If you do that, then you can put a hyperlink in too!
Hi Sheila. on the quiz. It says that if you answer “seldom” to any questions 1-16 you may be in danger. That doesn’t seem right. Shouldn’t it be the opposite?
While it is less talked about, there are many MEN in abusive relationships. I believe there are even less resources and help for men in these marriages than there are for women. Everyone feels bad for women who are in abusive relationships, and rightly they should, but men often get overlooked and have few options, without having to make very difficult sacrifices and often jeopardizing their relationship with their children. This is a very serious issue wether the abused is male or female!
I took the quiz but answered from the perspective of how I felt in my marriage ~2yrs ago. In Questions 1-25, I had 4 always, 5 frequentlys, 8 sometimes, 3 seldoms, and 5 nevers. Man, I guess we had things worse off than I realized! I knew things weren’t going well in our marriage and knew that there was some emotional abuse issues, but I never let myself turn my husband into a bad guy and abandon all hope in marriage. He was going through a difficult time in his life and I knew that’s why he was responding this way. Not to say that the way he was treating me was right – oh no, not at all! – but that I continued believing that this was not really him and that our marriage could get better.
I fully agree that unfortunately, a lot of marriage advice is counterproductive to those who may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. When I first realized that our marriage was having trouble, I too looked for advice and tried to be compassionate to my husband, thinking that he’d respond positively in turn. But it kind of backfired and he realized that I would “bend” to his desires out of kindness and he took advantage of that in arguments. It got to a point where I seriously wondered how in the world I’d gotten into the marriage that I’d had. I’m a pretty strong women and esteem marriage very highly and thought I’d chosen a worthy spouse when we first married. Being in a bad marriage was the last thing I’d ever expected!
However, I still did not give up on our marriage or my husband. I refused to consider divorce (if it had ever gotten really bad, I may have separated for a bit in order to give us space and to work on our marriage, but I would have refused to divorce and I told him that often. He was stuck with me so he might as well figure out how to make our marriage work!) Its taken time, and patience and I had to kindly and firmly push to get us to that first online marriage counseling. But I knew my husband was angry at himself too and wanted to be a better man. Slowly but surely, I gave him the opportunity to be that better man, and we’ve been able to talk more and come to terms with things. I’ve also started speaking my mind more. Not that I ever felt like I couldn’t before, but I always tried to avoid his angry confrontation by not pushing his buttons more than I had to. But I started to just come out with things I felt I needed to say even if he wouldn’t be happy to hear them. I tried to say them in kindness of course, and not be a jerk about things I felt to be shortcomings of his, but I stopped trying to always make him feel better about himself. Things aren’t 100% perfect now, but they are a lot better than they were and our marriage is A LOT stronger and I have confidence that we’ll continue. It’s been a rough storm in our marriage, but it’s made our marriage so much stronger because of it. My husband really is a great guy and a good father.
So I guess I say all this to say two things: 1) up until I’d taken this quiz, I never considered our marriage previously to be THAT horrible to the point where it was impossible to get better. I never gave up completely. Honestly, taking that quiz makes me feel like, ok, I guess I wasn’t just making all our trouble up, ha ha, and 2) just because anyone reading this may be in a bad marriage now does not mean that it will ALWAYS be a bad marriage. Stand up for yourself, but also think about who you know your spouse to be deep down. Do you know that your spouse is truly a better person that they are currently treating you? Do they want to be a better spouse and parent? Stand up for yourself, but don’t give up on them either.
I went back and took the quiz but answering at this point in my marriage instead, and I got: 0 always, 0 frequentlys, 8 sometimes, 7 seldoms, and 10 nevers. So see, things can get better in a troubled marriage!
What a wonderful story! Thanks for sharing that!
And I do just want to clarify one thing–Leslie never says that a marriage that is bad according to that quiz is impossible to fix. On the contrary, she spends a far amount of the book telling people what steps to take to do exactly that. The only problem is that a person can’t fix a marriage all by themselves. The other person has to at some point own their own actions, stop blaming others, and take responsibility for acting appropriately in the marriage. But when the downtrodden spouse starts speaking up and puts limits, quite often that actually does happen!
I LOVE your comment! I didn’t take the test but my guess is it would be similar to yours. Our marriage has been so much better over the last year! I also said divorce was NEVER an option! I think that really helped because there was no other option other than to work through it! I felt like I was reading what has been in my head 🙂
Thanks for this story. Im at point of just realised Im in a marriage like this….scored 26 sometimes or often ? and now looking back-can see this was happening when we were even going out….can’t believe didnt see it til now (married 11yrs now). Anyway Im at such similar place to you were. Things are very bad but Im determined to not give up on this. But Im v weary & broken and just trying to get my strength up for what i know will be a long battle ;(
As you know Sheila, my husband had an affair….I forgave him and decided to remain married as he severed all ties with his mistress. Well, he also continually remained emotionally abusive to me…making snarky comments on my appearance. Losing his temper by yelling over the silliest of things…..I tried, I really did but after 3+ years of living like that since his affair, I decided that I’d had enough of his belittling and berating of me and we are getting divorced.
it’s for the best, it really is. Neither of us were happy. He’d told me after his affair and our reconciliation that we’d start going to church as a family…never happened. I could not bring him to my family functions because he’s alienated himself from them. Holidays were spent apart because we’d usually all go to my Parents house for Christmas, etc but since the rift, he decided to stay home. My parents only live 22 miles away.
So, now I must pack up 15+ YEARS worth of belongings…clothes, craft supplies, hygeine supplies, makeup..etc. I’ll be happier though and won’t be living with someone who treated me poorly 🙁
I’m so sorry, Kelly. So sorry. Prayers for you as you rebuild. And sometimes it’s seeing the reality of the consequences of their actions that cause a person to finally wake up!
While all of this is good and truthful advice, I want to encourage and even plead with fellow Christian women to honor God’s instructions for going INTO a marriage, so they might save themselves from the pain of fixing or getting out!
As you say, wives (and husbands) are justified in leaving an abuser to prevent enabling further abuse. But in my own experience, individuals with abusive tendencies are easily identified by friends, parents, co-workers, etc (but NOT by someone “in love” with them) – yet honest warnings to one pursuing a romantic relationship with an abuser are interpreted as misjudgment, jealousy, “hate”, etc. The one “falling in love” with an abuser thinks they can handle the abuse because of the love they currently feel for the abuser, or that they can fix the abuser, or that everyone else is crazy.
PLEASE!!! If you are being warned about your boy-/girl-friend by your parents, family, friends or their family or friends – LISTEN! Hold off on the relationship a few years! Don’t marry until he/she shows BEFORE marriage that they can sacrifice themselves to love and serve you! If you are so sure you can fix them – do it before marriage! Once married, you can glue those rose-colored glasses to your face til death do you part, but please don’t put them on initially, while choosing your mate!
I don’t mean to be bossy. I only have watched friends turned into a shell of who they were – even go to jail – because of ill-advised marriages. I can’t go back and save them now, so I hope to warn anyone who still has a chance.
Oh, Virginia, that’s not being bossy at all! Preach it, sister. I’ve often grieved at the letters I receive from hurting women, and thought: all of this could have been prevented if they had chosen better in the first place. I know Gary Thomas feels the same way, which is why he wrote Sacred Search. We need to teach young people how to choose a good mate!
not gonna lie, I chose bad. But the new man, who has loved me for 20+ years when we dated, is a good person & loves me for me….so I’ll be ok 😉 I went with the first guy who showed me any interest and asked me to marry him….I should’ve taken my Mom up on her offer to run away the morning of my wedding as she was doing my hair (She’s a beautician) Live and Learn….when you know better, you do better as Maya Angelou said.
That is sometimes true and we all need to exercise and admonish regarding due diligence, but…there are also cases such as with a narcissistic abuser who sweeps into the other person’s life as the knight in shining armor and is so very skilled about the facade and mask that NO ONE sees it. Only when the kids come along or real life sets in that the narcissist is no longer receiving 100% of love and devotion that the mask starts coming off and the REAL person behind the mask takes over. There is no one pat answer for everyone’s situation, but there ARE those of us who were careful and had careful vetting from christian family and friends before entering into marriage and we still find ourselves in an emotionally destructive, horrible situation that is SO VERY FAR from what God intended a christian marriage or christian family to be.
So true.
I have lived the EXACT same story. My abuser finally filed for divorce. The narcissistic games really picked up once he filed, and it cost me tens of thousands of dollars. I’m still trying to accept the emotional and psychological freedom that I should be enjoying, but it’s financially difficult, and I’m struggling to find God’s purpose for my life. He has protected me and provided for me all along the way, though, so I am grateful for my blessings.
I want to second this comment! I’ve never been in an abusive marriage, but during my seven years as a nurse I worked with many abusive people. Very seldom does a decent person turn into an abuser;usually he was abusive before the marriage, and the signs were ignored. Don’t blame yourself for your abuser’s actions, but if you’re not married look out for those warning signs and heed them. You cannot fix an abuser; unless he wants to change you cannot change him. A good book on the subject of warning signs is The Gift of Fear, by Gavin deBecker.
Where was this article 7 years ago 🙂 The one thing that is bothersome however is the church’s stance that it’s usually the Men that are abusive. Quite the opposite. After leading divorce care groups for a few years now and working with the community, abuse has NO gender. To say otherwise is destructive and doesn’t give men the opportunity to speak up and receive the help they need. I went through tremendous physical, emotional & spiritual abuse at the hands of my ex-wife. I stayed because I wanted so badly to honor God and do the right thing – to a major fault. I pray the church truly is receptive to all who come forward to expose abuse in any relationship. It takes a huge amount of confidence to finally mouth and expose the fact that you are being abused.
I would agree, Brett, that it definitely is a both gender issue, and Leslie does mention that in her book quite a bit. The problem that is unique to women, I think, is that the church also teaches women to submit, and that can confuse a lot of women into thinking that putting up with this is expected of them. We really need to change our teaching so that it’s clear that what both spouses need to be primarily concerned with is loving their spouses the way God loves them–and expects the best from them!
Amen to that! Thanks for posting on this topic. We need more advocates and safe havens in the Christian community. We, as you shared, need true, back to basics teaching and a real understand of what true submission is. Thank you again for sharing this article….it will be a go to and forward for many people I deal and share with. I’ll also check out Leslie’s book!
Thank you Sheila! You have helped so many people. May God bless you!
I am sorry to say that I have been married for 27 years with over half of those years being emotionally destructive! My husband degrades me, makes me feel like crap about myself, makes ALL the decisions, and blah blah blah…lol
My biggest issue right now is…
He has no desire to spend time with me and the girls. He wants to be with his Mom, Sister and other friends and to heck with us! I’m really tired of always giving in and doing what he wants when he makes no sacrifice for us at all. I’ve begged him for just the two of us to go away for a weekend, rekindle the romance and just enjoy each other….and his words to me were…” If I take you somewhere for a night, will you shut the &@$,?:#%¥£€ up about it?!” To say the least I was DEVASTATED. Now I would NEVERTHELESS go with him anywhere! I just don’t know what to do. Any ideas?
I think that to some extent people treat people the way they are “allowed” to treat them. I’m not saying that there aren’t true cases of bad people doing horrible things to each other for no reason. But especially in cases where things start off well and then behavior deteriorates more and more, I think some has to do with tolerance of the behavior. That doesn’t make it right. I just think it’s a contributing factor to things going from okay to frustrating.
To not sound like a bad person for sayng that , let me say that I find myself in that situation (but I’m the bad one) when my husband is passive. The more passive he gets, the more aggressive I get. It’s almost like I’m begging him to just speak up. To care enough about whatever it is we are doing the passive/aggressive dance about to want to be in relationship with me. To respect himself enough to speak up so that we can both respect him. To help me by speaking up so that I have some clue where I stand in things. I’ve read some books about this like “no more mister nice guy”. Like how just appeasing your wife is so counter-productive for true relationship to occur. And I just wonder if that doesn’t happen in all sorts of relationships where there’s a dominant, belittling spouse and a spouse that’s “taking it”. And I am not talking about beatings here. I’m not talking about dangerous situations. I hope I’m not sounding callous. I’m just saying that I think a lot of times the one taking it says “I can’t take it anymore” to other people but never to the spouse. And rarely do they follow through with consequences. I think there should be consequences for bad behavior. And quite honestly I think the people acting badly would love for there to be some boundaries.
If I’ve underestimated your situation or anything, I’m sorry. I just wanted to bring up something that crosses my mind a lot in my own relationship.
I`ve been married for about fourteen years, and is not easy, well nothing in life is easy.
I have two daughters and believe me when you are talking very loud with your wife, the children are always listening and watching, you might think they didn´t hear that situation, but they always do. When they grow, they might see this situation as normal and it will come the day that they will not talk about it.
We as adults are very naïve, then we ask ourselves why our sons or daughters act in a particular way.
I used to behave this way with my wife, now I try not to do that, because I love so much my daughters and I don´t want to see them grow seeing their parents behave like two kids.
regards,
Thanks! This topic is so seldomly talked about in a Christian context, but it really needs to be. It really helped me to reinforce some things I had already begun to discover on my own, especially the part about “normal” advice being totally wrong for some situations. It has helped me to be more confident in my decisions about how to deal with my emotionally abusive marriage, even when they go against what I had been taught. What a great blessing prayer and personal revelation is in all of this, because there is no guide book.
I’m so glad, Shanna! May God guide you as you walk this difficult road.
I’ve been in an emotionally abusive marriage for 31 years. I never really felt appreciated, got much affection, or much attention at all from my husband. My kids, 22 and 20 are still at home, they work, college local, etc. They plan on being gone within a year or two. My children and I seperated from my husband when they were toddlers for a few months but came back to my husband who promised counseling, we went one session to his priest, he decided we didn’t need it anymore. And since then, all these years its been so stressful, and discouraging and depressing because all he does is either ignore me, shut me out emotionally, degrade me like im stupid, controlling with money, never wants to have fun, no humor or laughter, is a hard worker and great family supporter in that way, but a recluse, and never connected with me emotionally as a friend or wife. I realize something had to be missing from his childhood. He never really connected emotionally with our children, girl and boy, who now our daughter is with someone like my husband, but will not give up the relationship. Thankfully, both my children are fun and engaging and my son treats his girlfriend he has very engagingly, fun, kind, attentive and loving, The bad part also is that for the last month and a half, a Christian man who is divorced started talking to me on facebook/phone etc. as I discovered that my true self of being fun, spontaneous, happy, alive and engaging came out in talking with this person as I realized I felt “alive” for the first time in 31 years. But of course, I realized I was having an emotional affair with this man. A week ago my husband found out about it, was physically abusive to me in his anger (one thing at least he wasn’t actually during our marriage) and I repented to him and to my pastor’s wife another time in a counseling session. My husband has since temporarily forgiven me. My pastor’s wife said to cut off all contact with that man, which I did, but I am very sad about that because I had a taste of another man conversing with me, engaging in a real life way of descency and honor and uplifted me so much with scripture and humor and his own vivacious alive spirit that it upsets me to realize I have to leave cut ties with him for my husband, who is a “dead” man in his own persona. My pastor’s wife insisted that he really should go to counseling with me, but he refuses constantly and says he knows what to change and no counselor is going to tell him what’s wrong with him. I see this, our marriage, going no where good. I in fact after a taste of “fresh air” and “new life” from that man I had the emotional affair with, I don’t even have any desire to be in this marriage as I dread the thought of my husband’s emotions to me. His attitude towards me has already slipped as he senses I don’t want to make this work out with enthusiasm (actually, any love for my husband seemed to slowly die over the years as he always had a wall up to me with his emotions as the only emotions I ever got from him was anger) and so he has expressed bitterness towards me recently and brings up my “cheating” all the time now, even though I didn’t physically cheat with the man. I just feel like i’m never going to win here. I’m trusting God to do something for all of us, my kids too. I just really feel hopeless. I don’t want to leave the residence yet as my kids whom I love and they love me back are still here. I just feel like all I ever got from my husband was his anger, abuse (emotionally) and so much anxiety from it all over the years, despite always praying and interceding for the situation.
Hello, I am walking through an emotionally abusive marriage and will be doing so for at least 3 more years. Did you make a one year reading list for those of us in this situation? I would love to have it if you did! There is such strength and hope to be had in reading about my situation and how to handle it better. Thank you for the article.
It is not always the man who is the bully….and when a man goes for help, it is assume than the man is the abuser. More than one counselor assumes the man is wrong….so does Oprah and Doctor Phil.and out tv educated society…….It is possible that this culture of man blaming will ruin my relationship. My economic future has been spent because of rage driven “needs“ and now I have a future of severe debt. If my wife leaves because I stop patricipating inthe game….saying she has no use for a man who has no money………because she drained it…even the 401k, I will marry a happy and wealthy widow..
I have an acquaintance who is emotionally abused by her husband, and she doesn’t see it. One of the biggest ways I noticed it was the pattern like you explained. I want to share this article with her, but don’t know if it would help or hurt the situation. Thank you so much for sharing this information that is so important!
This article is a breath of fresh air and needs to be shared. Especially where “religion” tells you to stay and pray. Thank you for writing this.
Is there a Christian counsellor here? I’m in dire need of help.
I’m reading these posts,my wife and I have been apart for 5 months with 3 kids,ages 2,5,7. Her staying at her parents and me seeing the kids on the weekends, also divorce pending. Over the time we have been apart I’ve drawn really close to God. I never realized I was emotionally abusive to my wife. This is really tearing our kids apart since our family. I’m am praying for God to soften both of our hearts and for me to be for not only my family but for him. I have left that old man behind me. Please pray for my family.
I appreciate this article so much! Three years ago I divorced my husband after more than 30 years of marriage. At the time I did not identify myself as “abused,” I just knew I could not do it any more.
My ex is not a bad person, but I believe he has almost no capacity to attach to another person; I don’t think he even grasps the concept. I don’t think he ever really saw me as a person; I was more a meeter of his needs.
Eventually, after the divorce, I came to realize that I had been emotionally abused; not deliberately nor intentionally but nevertheless I was. It was destroying me. I believe that God released me from the marriage. I believe God values the institution of marriage but that he values the people in the marriage more.
Since the divorce, my life has changed much for the better. I have grown spiritually, tremendously, and have rediscovered peace and joy- and myself. I believe that, one day, God will send someone into my life and I will have a real husband and a real marriage. I am waiting on His timing for that.
The most important point you made, that I don’t think I have ever seen before, is that the usual Christian advice for marriage does not work in this situation and that, in fact, it can make things worse. If nothing I tried worked, I must not have been doing it right. Not praying enough, not submissive enough, not stepping back and letting him lead, and so on. Not only that, but what was wrong with me, that I was so miserable? He wasn’t drinking, drugging, running around, or beating me up, so it must be something wrong with me! Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t the perfect wife- but I don’t believe it would have mattered anyway. (And God is definitely working on me!)
I could wish I had read this years ago, but I might not have recognized myself if I had. I do know that there is life- abundant life- on the other side.
I know this is old but I would REALLY like to email or speak w/ you I related most to your post/comment. do you have a website or??? in marriage for 15 years, feel like i’m literally dying on the inside….
Sheila,
Thank you for posting these articles about emotionally abusive relationships. My wife and I have been married 8 years this coming month. However she came home a month ago after saying up at a bar with her girlfriend until 3am and said she can’t do this anymore she wanted a separation. She moved into her dads two weeks ago. She has told me that I have been controlling, degrading, not listening, etc and that she loves and cares about me but has nothing left to give.
I have been spending a lot of time with the Lord and have come to realize that she is absolutely right about much of what she has shared.
These two weeks have been very difficult. We are both talking with our pastor separately because she does not want to meet at this time together.
Can you help us in any way?
What a great post. I have read Leslie’s book and a few others. My only point of contention is that all to often, men are painted as the problem. Truth is, in a fare percentage, the opposite is true. (25% I think I recall). Other than that, this post is spot on.
I’m not sure it’s only 25%! 🙂 It’s just that my blog is mostly female readers so I tend to gear my posts that way. But I’d agree–the problems can be the other way, too.
Excellent article. It’s interesting….for lack of a better term….my relationship with my husband would definitely fall under the category of abusive – a significant percentage of the whole, but not 100% of the time. The thing is, he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, about 1 1/2 yrs after we were married. This finally gave explanations to his behaviour. I have experienced extreme emotional and financial things that I feel the average person around me can’t even imagine, but the thing about BPD is the rapidity of mood changes – it can change within hours or even minutes, if the person is very dysregulated/ungrounded. But on the whole, when he is well and himself, he is the model husband – kind, caring, sensitive, giving, takes care of majority of household chores, cooks, wants to please me and meet my needs, smart, works hard, etc…BPD is a very difficult world to navigate – it’s like living on another planet. By the grace of God, I haven’t been sick or had a breakdown (even though this should have happened countless times), and he is very well – he is very stable and the improvements are remarkable. There is hope in faith in God. However, I feel somewhat conflicted when reading these types of articles. Also, I wonder about the amount of undiagnosed mental health issues that are causing these situations. What is causing all these men to be so selfish??
That’s an excellent point, Belle! I know many wives whose husbands have BPD, and it’s really tough. But with treatment it really can be well controlled, and I’m so glad it is with your husband!
I also knew a woman whose husband got very abusive and it was definitely a mental health issue. But he just wouldn’t get help, and that was so sad.
I think if your husband acts like almost two different people, then encouraging him to see a physician is so key. Many of these issues may actually be able to be dealt with with medication and proper therapy.
I will give advice to people marriage is nice but theres so many problems i reccomend you dont marry like paul. You will be so miserable just rely on Jesus for your lonliess, pain, prayers, companionship. I recommend to not get married if you have lust problems just ask Jesus to take them away. I wish i was single now I see why paul says what he says not to marry, just pain . But if you are maried forgive do not divirce God hates it. Yes you can get divorced only adultery but thats because you harden your heart. God really dont want us to get divorced its unforgivess and very hard to heal. When your married dont rely on your hubby to fill you with joy and goodness and comfort rely on Jesus He will never let you down and remember who your fighting against.
Hi
My wife filed for divorce after 19 years claiming that I emotionaly abuseed her.I whould lik to fix myself and try to save my marriage I am a man of God and I really love my wife please help how do I fix this. I love my wife and children and can not think of a life without her I will do anything to save our marriage
This article helped me so much! Thank you. I have never found such a good, Christian perspective for women in emotionally abusive situations. It’s easy to tell a wife to stand up for herself, tell her husband NO, when it’s PHYSICAL abuse. But when it’s emotional, psychological, spiritual – it still tears her down and even affects her health. It is abusive for the children to witness and endure as well. It destroys her soul and her life, her personhood. It’s more confusing, and longer lasting. Christians typically don’t want to deal with the messy, individual situations. This covers so much that needs addressed. Thank you.
I know this is an old post but I have just discovered your blog. I appreciate your post about what is abuse and that not every act can be termed as abusive. This is the problem I have as I am not sure whether my husband is actually abusive or if I am indirectly responsible for it.
My marriage unraveled very quickly even in the first year. My husband argued. He criticized my family members and I would defend them and before I knew it it would be an intense argument. Or he would look at me and ask if I had a problem because my face looked angry, etc. He always blamed me for the arguments citing that I was very intense. But he criticized my family and I just wanted to protect them. The arguments were frequent, it could be about any topic. I felt he was trying to get me to agree to his viewpoints.
I made another mistake early on in the marriage. I worked whilst he stayed at home. Since he took care of the household chores and sorting out the bills, I let him use my debit card, etc. I trusted him then and I regarded us as one unit. But over the years he acted as if the money in my account was his and he never gave me an account of his expenses or how much he spent or what he spent the money on. There was not much savings even though I earned well.
I think I fear him. For example I dare not tell him that I use some of my money for face treatments that I need on and off or to buy personal purchases. There was one time I had to beg him to let me purchase a handbag. After this incident I had enough and I did not bother giving him an account of my expenses. I buy whatever I need behind his back.
I found out that he has used my money to spend on his girlfriend. He has stolen some of my jewellery and my jacket to give his girlfriend. Due to this I dare not keep any valuables in my house any more as it is no longer a safe place.
He indulges in porn. I don’t feel I have a marriage anymore and feel trapped. He has withheld love and affection from me for the past 11 years and accuses me of being cold and distant. He does not even hold my hand. I sometimes feel that he is in this marriage to make use of me and the comforts he has.
S
I realize this is an old post, but I would really appreciate any feedback/guidance. Please!!
My husband and I have been married 8 1/2 years. We had only dated 7 months and I found out I was pregnant, we ended up getting married a few months later and now have 3 children. About 2 years ago my husband took a job and ended up being coworkers with someone he uses to date in high school (I was unaware of there previous relationship ) anyways they were partners and always together, working late, going to lunch etc. He ended up becoming very detached from the kids and i and consumed with her. He was having an emotional affair and insists it was never physical. This lasted 9 months, and finally ended when I got his family involved. He has cut all ties with her and they both work in different jobs. Well, after this all ended, his emotionally abusiveness heightened. He ended up getting diagnosed as bipolar in June and the emotional abuse, anger aggression, and breaking things was at a high as medicines were being adjusted.
His medicines have since leveled out for the most part. There were big blow ups in June and September and I told Him he needed to leave but he wouldn’t and would pretend everything was fine. He would guilt trip me with “in sickness and in health” and write off everything he had done in the past 2 years to bipolar.
The latest episode in the beginning of December. This time afterwards I was more serious than I ever had been. I told him I had enough and was not going to raise my kids around him and setting that type of example etc. He wouldn’t leave so we were in a limbo phase…again… I ended up telling my brother everything hat had happened over the course of the past 2 years because I needed support and help. This of course made him furious at first. Anyways, since the beginning of December he met with our Pastor and claims he has changed and really loves me and will do better.
My problem is, I have been so torn down by the way he has treated me, disrespected me, and chose another woman over me. I know it is in the past and should be water on the bridge and I should look forward and forgive him and hope and pray he really changes, but I just look at him totally different. I do not find joy in him and us as husband and wife. I just feel let down and resentment towards him. In his eyes, I should just be able to flip a switch and be a loving and affectionate wife after being treated so bad..just because he talked to the pastor and is reading a book everything has magically changed for the better.
He is not yelling at me like he was, but I am not really engaging much either. And his treatment and actions to me and the kids is not as much of a secret now since my brother and pastor know. currently I just do what I need to for the kids and what I need to do to keep the house and daily functions going as smoothly as possible without confrontation.
In a sense in my mind i wish I would have separated when he was detached and unfaithful. But at that time, our youngest son was only a few months old and I could not fathom going a day without seeing my kids. Then we got through all the affair and the bad treatment happened and I thoght I do not want my daughter to marry someone like him and I do not want my sons thinking it is ok to treat a woman this way and that’s when it al clicked and I emotionally detached and my heart has hardened towards him.
I think more people wind up in abusive relationships than you think. A lot of people wind up here because they ARE in an abusive marriage and are trying to validate how they feel. I have an abusive addict spouse, who I thought it was my highest calling to sacrifice myself to try to show him God. He rejected it and we wound up in a toxic cycle. After 5 years I finally broke when he threatened to shoot me. I left. I’ve still encouraged him to pray and talk to God, but I am divorcing. This is the second time I’ve had to leave. He has to hit bottom if he’s going to get better and he didn’t want to find God when he wasn’t at risk of losing it all. Two pastors have supported divorce in our case. Just as with coming to Christ, people will only change if they want to. I still feel like I lost everything.
Oh, Melissa, I’m so sorry. I’m so glad that your pastors are supporting you, though. I’ve heard far too many women say that their pastors don’t. I wish you all the best as you move forward, and I know that God has something good for you.
I took the test but I knew I was in an abusive relationship before. If I tiptoe around and live my life exactly how he wants then he won’t get upset. And he claims his behavior is better but it’s only because I’m trying so hard not to give him cause. We have 3 kids. I’m suffering inside. He’s a coaster and his brother is the pastor. I have know one to turn to. I can’t get a job. Most of the time I see the only way out is death but I can’t do that to my kids. That’s also why I haven’t filed for divorce because I don’t want to hurt them it would break their hearts.
Oh, dear, that’s awful. I’d really advise you to read Leslie Vernick’s website (just Google her), and reach out and talk to someone. There are women who can help you. Just pray that God will reveal who they are. It isn’t a good way of living, and you need help if you’re feeling that desperate. Please reach out!
Reading this makes me so sad. I wonder if my sister is in an emotionally abusive relationship. At first, I felt like she & her husband were just not very good parents, possibly emotionally abusive to their children. But I’m not really around them that much to know. In more recent years, they have been abusive to my parents. It’s hard to discern if they’re acting as a team or if my sister is so beaten down that she just agrees with her husband on these things. Something is really messed up. I feel really sad for my parents. I don’t know what to think of my sister.
My husband has betrayed me several times in the duration of 8 years of marriage. I was left to try and deal with my hurt on my own as he uninvolved himself in this. I have lost trust, love, respect, desire for him. As a result, I find it easy to yell at him, call him names. He continues to dismiss my feelings, he very rarily apologizes and expects my hurt to be healed on his time frame. He works away from home most of the time which I am grateful for however, when he does come home for days off, I am finding it harder and harder to have him here.
Hello, I am so grateful to have found this blog. I have been married for 7 years now. It has been so hard to find helpful advice to a Christian woman who is in an unhealthy marriage. I have tried to address the issues in our marriage for years now. I found 2 counselors and he didn’t want to go back, he never wants to tell the pastor anything or anyone else for that matter. Every time I try to talk to him about the problems in our marriage and there are a lot he has lied to me about little things big things doesn’t matter so much I felt like I was going crazy. Every time I try to tell him how unhappy I am, he redirects the conversation, in stead of validating what I am saying he says things like you don’t think you have ever hurt me, oh so you are the only one who can have feelings, all the while saying that I am wrong and rolling his eyes huffing ,until I just give in.. and say forget it.. Im tired of talking about it because there is never any resolve. I feel like we have had the same conversation for 7 years just plug in whatever the issue is, drugs, lies, lack of intimacy, trust, financial problems,no boundaries with addict mom. When we met we were both in active addiction I have been sober for almost 2 years now. I separated for 9 months. and he said he got sober too I moved back in with him to find out he had been lying for at least 6 months of that time. now he is 12 days sober and wants me to trust him and has this attitude like now that he has stopped using drugs and God is guiding him, that in 12 days he has earned back my trust and I should let go of every problem that we have had like no sex in 2 and 1/2 years no communication, the lies, him going through every bit of money that we have . We may or may not be evicted today, and I am just trying to get through nursing school ….his favorite thing to do is to tell me he is worried about a root of bitterness springing up in me and God hates divorce, wives need to submit. I am at the end. I am almost numb if it weren’t for the anxiety and constant tears that I cry. I don’t want to dishonor God’s word but I feel like it is too little to late…
I did the quiz on Leslie’s site and it was really interesting. There were times early in our marriage, and again lately during a really stressful time, where I wondered if i was being emotionally abused. And i did answer “sometimes” to several of the control questions. I know my husband does have a need to control things & people when he is stressed. After some counseling and my setting up boundaries, he has really changed! It’s been a few months and the fear I used to have of upsetting him is totally gone. He grew up in a family where he was yelled at and it wasn’t safe to talk about emotions or resolve conflict…but he really is a good guy and he is learning and maturing so much! (Now that I am making him lol). I’ve been thinking about Proverbs a lot, and how fools & wise men react differently to correction. I think sometimes the only way to find out which you’ve got is to confront them. I’m so thankful my answer is that I’ve got a good man, and I’m praying for those of you that don’t.
Wow! How long I have needed someone to open my eyes my heart and just know that I am ok and that I am not insane. I am hurting so much and I have been hurting my own children by staying in this horrible situation I have allowed for way to long. And now it is just hurting like a big knife being taken out of my gut. And I can not seem to stop crying. Even though I know now that it should have been stopped years ago. God bless you for helping us women who have no idea and feel so afraid of being alone and what to do. I am now 47 and I feel like what can I do now? Especially to go back into the work force. I still have 4 children at home and do not want them thinking like my to older children. That they cant be stuck in a marriage because of us. cause it will end badly. So hard all the suffering we have endured because I too was of the mind set to keep the family together. do not rock the boat to much. Heartbroken Eva
Great article and great advice from the author of the book. The only thing I would add is that emotional abuse often escalates to physical abuse, and confronting an emotionally abusive spouse, usually a man, can mean danger for the abused. If emotional violence or physical violence is felt in the air, It can’t be emphasized enough how important it is that the abused person gets support before, during, and after she confronts and/or leaves her abuser. It isn’t safe to stay in that environment and confront the abuser, as was suggested in this article/book. Emotional Destruction is violent, in an invisible kind of way. Each person has to decide for her or himself their sense of safety I recommend seeing a counselor first.
Thank you for that, Carolyn. That’s so important.