It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can comment, or, better still, link up your own post in the Linky below. Today we’re going to talk about asking for help from our hubbies.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do in marriage is to ask for help. We think either that he should already know what we need, or that if we have to ask, that means there’s something wrong with our relationship.
Today Kate Tunstall from Refined Prose joins us to tell the story of how a baby changed everything in her marriage–including her perspective on asking her husband for help. We’ve been talking about this theme a lot on this blog recently–how sometimes we can avoid problems just by voicing our needs. I thought sharing a real life story could drive this home. So here’s Kate:
When my husband and I decided to start a family, we were one of those sickeningly ‘perfect’ couples who had been together a long time and done everything in the right order.
Not only were we very established, I was also in the enviable position of having a husband who was attentive, thoughtful and selfless. I was totally confident that difficult though a baby may be, my incredible husband would make the tough times endurable and the special times magical. We were relatively young, fit and healthy.
And thus came the life-changing decision that would alter the dynamic of our relationship forever.
Preparing for a Baby
My poor husband was slightly behind me in terms of readiness, though he could see the logic in the timing and was fully supportive. However, he underestimated what can happen when two health-conscious people actively begin to try for a family: within six weeks I was pregnant and his catching up became a sprint, not a marathon.
I still had no concerns: after all, I married the best man I know and was convinced that a baby would only strengthen our bond.
When I delivered our beautiful daughter following early induction due to complications, we were both in awe. One moment the wait for her arrival seemed interminable, the next everything was being medically forced with some urgency. After a difficult labour, she was born mewling and perfect and was placed immediately on my chest, at which point she looked up into my eyes as though to reassure me that she was okay. She was sixteen days early and at 5lb 4oz, she was tiny and delicate and fragile. We were besotted.
Finally, after nearly a week of scans, monitoring and procedures, we were back home with our baby daughter and our new reality set in.
Everybody has heard about The Tiredness, but until it has been experienced, the torment is incomprehensible. Lest we forget, sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture…
Being the good wife that I am, and given that I am breastfeeding our daughter, I said from the very beginning that I did not expect my husband to get up in the night. I have always maintained that since he is working while I am at home during the day, his need for sleep during the night is greater than mine. (That said, I question the practicality of ‘sleeping when the baby does’. It has never happened for me – my baby needs clean clothes even if I don’t.)
The First Weeks with Baby Were a Blur–and Exahaustion Took Over
I was totally consumed by love and tiredness and worry and exhaustion and delight and tiredness. It was overwhelming and I wondered constantly if my life would ever be normal again, whether I was caring for our daughter well enough, when I would ever get some proper sleep–and how I was going to cope the following day.
Despite the absolute fatigue, I consoled myself that at least I was the consummate wife: I still didn’t ask my husband to get up in the night. Not only that, I actively encouraged him to continue to work out regularly after work (and I still do). Even though I also used to frequent the gym myself, and am half-crazy with pent up energy which I am unable to expel. Even though I could use some adult company and a little help in the evenings. The way I saw it, why should we both miss out, right? He works hard; he needs to have an outlet.
I knew of other dads who were expected to help with night feeds and who would have their babies thrust upon them the moment they walked through the door in the evening. And I thought to myself how harsh their wives were, how inconsiderate! Not for us, that needy thoughtlessness – oh no. I allowed my husband to get in, have a leisurely shower, make himself a brew and spend half an hour relaxing, only then relinquishing his daughter to him for playtime and cuddles.
An hour later, I would take over again to deal with the bath and bedtime routine. But it was fine, because during this time my husband would potter downstairs and hang the washing, empty the dishwasher and make the dinner. As I may have mentioned once or twice, he was pretty close to perfect.
Resentment Started to Creep In
However, it slowly dawned on me infinitesimally that actually, my husband could be doing things differently to help me more, things that would enable me to have a small break. Things that would forge a bond between him and his baby girl. Speaking to friends brought to my attention that there were issues I had been ignoring which displayed my good wifely intentions in a different perspective.
When my husband told me early on that he was not able to bathe our daughter because it hurt his knees, I accepted it without hesitation. When he (regularly) said it was easier for him to make dinner while I saw to our daughter, I didn’t consider his motives. I trust my husband, I believe in our marriage – why should I question him?
One evening after work my husband expressed a desire to spend a Saturday with a colleague at a comic convention. I was disappointed (he had never before shown any interest in such an activity), but said that if he would prefer to do that than spend time with his family then I didn’t mind. A few days later, after a particularly taxing day, he told me of his intention to learn a new language which would, of course, take away more of his time from us. And this was the moment that the creeping resentment thwacked me over the head and I started to view our solid marriage in a different light.
Realisation That There was a Problem in our Marriage
Listening very carefully to some close friends discussing their relationships is what ultimately helped me to fix things with my husband. While I had been secretly putting our relationship on a pedestal, they had been at the other end of the spectrum, asking for the support they required and having their needs met. I felt a little bit ashamed of my superior attitude (luckily it was a private view that had not been shared). I was humbled as it began to register that I had been so fixated on my husband’s wishes and the desire to maintain the image of a perfect marriage that I had actually been neglecting my own needs. Surely there had to be a happy medium?
Epiphany: My Husband was Insecure as a Dad!
That night I went home and had a frank discussion with my husband. What I discovered broke my heart a little bit: my very competent, capable husband lacked confidence with his tiny, fragile daughter. She was like a delicate little bird and he was terrified of breaking her. While I had had no choice but to learn how to safely handle her, my baby’s daddy was frightened of injuring her little body with his big, clumsy bear hands. This changed everything. A brutal shake-up was required in our house.
One of the most important factors in a successful marriage is communication with your spouse. It is all too easy to make assumptions based on historical truths about your partner and your relationship. However, when you are thrown into completely new territory, you can’t know how a person will react, and sometimes they may need support to adjust. My husband’s failing in this scenario was his inability to discuss his lack of confidence, and mine was to blindly believe in the perfection of our marriage–and then to do him the disservice of presuming he was disinterested or lazy or both.
How exhausting for my husband that I am such a perfectionist that I projected my impossibly high expectations onto him too, and was unable to see him as anything other than infallible! I was so determined to attain The Perfect Marriage that I inadvertently undermined and sabotaged the relationship we do have.
Ultimately my husband’s ego prevented him from owning up to his fears, and mine prevented me from seeing that our habits were getting unhealthy. But my marriage does not belong to me, it belongs to us. And it is not something I can singlehandedly protect or perfect. That responsibility is equally my husband’s.
Change Comes by Asking for Help
So now I have simply learned to ask for help–and once he admitted that he was insecure, and put his own feelings out there, my husband was glad to see where he could be of service. He now gets home earlier after work, helps out with bathtime with the aid of a cushion, and settles our daughter back to sleep if she stirs during the evening. Life has improved exponentially as our daughter has now surpassed a healthy newborn weight. My husband now relishes every moment he has with the baby he dotes on, and in return she adores her daddy. Having those hard conversations was totally worth it.
I learned a valuable lesson here. While I am still proud of our marriage and I still look up to my husband, I also believe that in the future I will be better equipped to handle any similar issues; because I now express my needs to him–without feeling that this is a failing in me or in our marriage.
With thanks to Hot, Holy and Humorous for reminding me of this quotation! Now, can you all see what would have happened to Katie’s marriage if she had said nothing–and kept trying to do it all? What would that relationship have been like five years down the road? Don’t forget–sometimes we need to ask for help!
Now let me know: have you ever seethed with resentment, when simply asking for help would have fixed many of your issues? Leave a comment! And if you have your own blog, feel free to link up a marriage post by putting the URL in the linky below. Thanks for joining me for Wifey Wednesday!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Yes, yes, and yes! This sounds so much like what I just went through. There is a shocking lack of warning that we mothers of newborns need so much help. It’s seriously cray.
My daughter is 7 months old now, and I remember crying every single day the first 2 months because I was so angry and tired! We even talked about a plan before she was born (like all good, prepared parents-to-be do, HAHA), but it didn’t matter once we were thrust into the throes of new parenthood. I resented my husband like crazy because – just like your situation – he still got to workout, not be up with a baby all night, have his tennis/softball leagues, and keep his same life. Fatherhood was a few hours out of the day, whereas motherhood was 24/7.
I seriously hated him until we talked at the 6 week mark. He finally developed the confidence to take care of our daughter regularly when he got home so I could go rest and bathe, etc. Now we have it together, thankfully. Communication and compromise, that’s all I can say! Thanks for sharing and congrats on your baby.
Hi Deena,
Thank you for the positive comments and congratulations to you too!
It’s sad when it transpires that lack of support from hubby stems from lack of confidence. Great news that you too were able to resolve your problems.
I find support from peers also goes a long way, so I’m glad the post resonated with you.
Kate
Katie- Thank you for sharing. I am right there with you on some of these points. Our baby is now 8 months old. It took me awhile to figure out it was okay to ask for help. I am a very dependent person. My husband learned that early on and has taken to that. He know has this mind set if I don’t ask for help or express I have any needs than everything is going well. I have to remember to let him in on those things rather than assuming he should know. Throwing a baby into the mix of all that for sure does increase mom’s need for help. Thank you for sharing openly with us today!
Hi Cassie,
I’m glad you like the post, it’s great to have feedback from other mums who have been through similar difficulties. Congratulations and thanks for taking the time to share your experience.
Kate
Yes to everything these women shared! I pushed myself too much after the birth of both my kids and now I have a mommy pooch and diastasis recti:( but I didn’t want my husband to think I was lazy especially because he was helping so much. Thanks for this post!!:)
Hi Annie,
Sorry to hear of your problems, I can relate to the worry that hubby may think you lazy when you’re unable to do as much as you have been used to. But I like to think (with the benefit of sleep, rather than a shroud of sleep-deprived fog) that the men we married are better than that.
Try leaving him in sole custody of bubba for a day and he definitely won’t think you’re lazy! My husband thinks I’m a total saint for what I do, and I think all mums are pretty admirable. We need to give ourselves a pat on the back and acknowledge how tough it can be!
Kate
My husband did not enjoy his time with the little infants, who cares? Why do we feel so compelled to diagnose every thing we see in our husbands that we don’t find pleasing? Just because a 275 pound man doesn’t want to carry a 7 pound baby around doesn’t mean that he is in denial about his legitimacy as a father or that he isn’t mentally prepared enough yet, probably more likely, carrying infants around is not so natural for dads as it is for moms. If a husband said these things about his wife when she became a mom, people would be furious. My husband is awesome now that they’re toddlers and even if he wasn’t, it seems so disrespectful to take it into my own hands to decide what does and does not qualify as “experiencing the transformation to parenthood.”
When getting your husband to help is key to your sanity, it doesn’t matter whether or not he’s ready, or if he likes that stage of childhood. Marriage/parenthood is a union, and it depends on both people helping each other and their child. A father’s weight, height or gender has no bearing on whether or not he’s capable of helping out. A father should be willing to carry his own infant, and he should certainly be wiling to help out a wife who is overwhelmed or exhausted by the disproportionate responsibility of child-rearing, especially in those first weeks and months. It’s not fun for anyone to stay up with a colicky baby, but giving a dad a free pass just because he’s a man is both sexist and short-sighted. There are blessings and joy to be found in parenting, along with trials and heartache, that both parents should experience. Does every deficiency need to be addressed or diagnosed? No. But communication is key in all areas of marriage, especially parenthood.
Bottom line: It’s not disrespectful at all to ask a husband to help out, and it’s totally appropriate to help your husband embrace parenthood with you. Doing otherwise is to treat him like a child who isn’t capable of doing hard things.
You place your entire sanity on whether or not your husband helps or not? Really? What about women whose husband’s died in a car accident while they were pregnant? Are they automatically insane because the babies’ father isn’t there to help? What about a women who left the baby’s father before she gave birth? Is she automatically insane? No one bases their sanity on whether or not a husband is helping. That is far fetched and has nothing to do with the point of this post. This women is not on the brink of insanity, she is acknowledging her so called right to diagnose her husband’s insecurities as some big marriage crisis issue that she is solely responsible for solving. Also, you are quite contradictory in your response because you state clearly that “both parents should experience” every single infancy stage of their baby and then a little earlier you say that child-rearing is a “disproportionate responsibility” on the mother. Which is it?
The Bible verses about babes and babies are almost exclusively mentioned along with a mother, not a father. This notion that fathers are not on the parenting band wagon if they do not share equal parts of the infancy stages of their children is what is “sexist and short-sighted.” There is nothing wrong with mothers being more appropriate for the task of caring for the infant. Yes, it is exhausting but a lot of gender specific things are exhausting. Like pregnancy. Should a husband have to carry a child in his womb as well because “parenthood is a union?” I agree that it isn’t disrespectful to ask a husband to help out but it is disrespectful to diagnose him as less of a man if he doesn’t prefer to coddle a week old child.
I’m not looking for a fight, much less a battle over semantics, so I’ll be brief. My heart goes out to single mothers, widowed or otherwise. I never said a woman should base her sanity on her husband’s help, just that those who are struggling often need extra help from their husband to keep from drowning. Single mothers would be the first to suggest a woman take advantage of the privilege of having a husband to get extra assistance, rest and love.
A mother is divinely called to do most mothering, but that doesn’t absolve a father of responsibility. A father can’t carry a baby in his womb, but he can carry one in his arms. That’s not coddling; that’s parenting. It might not make him less of a man to refuse to do so; but he sure does make him less of a father.
Hi Ladies,
Firstly, I love it when something I’ve written sparks debate. But I’m a huge advocate of supporting each other and one of my biggest rewards from doing what I do is seeing and being a part of a pretty awesome network of women.
Every marriage works by its own rules, and nobody should judge what is working for their neighbours. We’re all entitled to our own opinions, based on our values.
My husband and I have taught each other what we can expect from one another. I like the deal we made in this respect and that’s why I married him. I get that some people may not understand the values attributed to my marriage, and that’s fine. But it’s what I and my husband expect from each other that counts in our situation – likewise for each individual reading this.
In calling my husband out on my growing resentment, I actually helped him to face his fears and start to bond with his daughter. I have no regrets about doing so.
I respect my husband completely. I would not have written, or allowed this piece to be published, without his full backing – out of respect for him.
Crystal, I just want to jump in here and say that you seem to be very judgmental towards this woman who wrote this post (and the commenter), and, quite frankly, I don’t think anything that she wrote warrants it.
You said that the guest poster “diagnosed him as less of a man”. Where did she ever say that? Her HUSBAND admitted that he was nervous around the baby; she admitted that she was in the wrong too (she laid blame at BOTH of their feet), and then they opened up communication so he could start to feel more comfortable and she could start to feel more supported.
And now they’re both happy.
What is wrong with that? She did exactly the right thing–she spoke to her husband, and he then acknowledged where he was struggling. She never judged him about that; she felt sorry that she hadn’t recognized what was going on earlier.
I’m honestly not sure where the hostility in your comment is coming from. Personally, I think that the woman who wrote this post is striving to have a marriage characterized by mutual respect, love, and open communication, and when she saw that they were failing, she did something about it. Bravo! Those are all good things.
@Sheila, Kate- the author, and Quincy
I do not want to come across as hostile, I want to come across as a woman who sees a red flag and mentions it.
It is common knowledge, reinforced all throughout history that the infant years are primarily mom’s territory. I know that it is difficult and very, overwhelming at times but that is why a network of sisters in similar circumstances (this blog, for example) is a blessing from God. It isn’t, however a blessing from God when we warp our union into a way to legitimize resentments for our husbands instead of being an encouragement to one another. I don’t see why it is wrong to say that women are primarily the ones to nurture infants. If we ask our husbands for help and they give it, awesome! But we shouldn’t resent them if they don’t give it because we have convinced ourselves that we are owed that from them. It seems that we are forgetting where our strength comes from, and placing too much of our success on our husband as opposed to God.
Kate says that “calling my husband out on my growing resentment.” This perfectly illustrates my point. The author has decided that her husband was to blame because she was tired, and overwhelmed instead of just owning the fact that she is tired and overwhelmed. While it is perfectly reasonable to ask your husband for help, it is wrong to place blame on him for your own resentment under the guise of concern for his bonding with the children.
Kate says “We’re all entitled to our own opinions, based on our values.” I can’t help but point this discussion back to the Bible considering it is a Christian blog. Our opinions should be shaped based on God’s formula for our lives, not our own opinions. God’s Word says “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” This means that our Lord will give us the strength to endure the task at hand. There is nothing inherently wrong or evil about asking your husband to help and I agree with the overall thrust of this post, but I do think that most women who read this will see it as a license for resentment of a less perfect spouse than our author’s, and most women will then think that if you “ask, {our husbands} you shall receive {help}”. I think in most cases, the husband isn’t going to react as Kate’s husband did and that is why I believe this might be setting readers up for disaster.
Sheila, I do not wish to bring you strife and I have commented positively on posts as well, so I do hope that you will continue to allow me to voice my opinion, even if it is different than others.
Thanks to Kate and Sheila for your insights. And thank you, Crystal, for clarifying your statements. Just as I didn’t intend to come across as angry in my response to you, I can tell that you didn’t mean to sound hostile. I’m sure you are a lovely person who is striving for goodness.
I think we probably all agree more than we don’t here. I don’t think anyone thinks resentment is a virtue, which is why Kate recommended addressing the source of her negative feelings (“I’m overwhelmed and need you to get more involved”) rather than letting them stew. And I stand by my belief that a good husband and father will step up to the plate when needed. I don’t think that goes against any Biblical teachings, but we can agree to disagree.
For most people, getting a husband to take a more active role in parenting (holding babies, changing diapers, waking up in the night, attending games, watching kids while wife has a day off) is better for the whole family, because mom is happy and the kids get special Dad time. I’m feeling extra grateful today for a husband who honors his fatherhood.
The author admitted to her own expectations/failures as well. Yes, she used words like “he was perfect.” However, her tone throughout was also very condescending toward her husband. She also contradicts her own words in saying “and was unable to see him as anything other than infallible!” and yet the majority of the post was about how fallible he was. She uses these words to get us to trust her as being a wise, godly woman. However, in the end, her identification of her failings does not come across as a repentant heart because of sinful selfish pride, but rather a way to get your husband to do what you want.
There was absolutely nothing unnatural about this father’s “bonding” with the child, that the author felt so needed to change. This idea that the husband must be involved in infancy is an asinine idea, one that is only come from post-modern thinking. Have we forgotten that until even the 1980s husbands were not allowed in the delivery room? While I know some will argue the “progress” we’ve made in this change, the fact remains that husbands were not in the delivery room because husbands are FATHERS. The role of fathers and mothers is very different. Do we expect that this post-modern progress will suddenly change the genetic makeup of man, change 6,000 years of human history, and most importantly, change the God-ordained role of a father, which is different than a mother? Do we honestly think a woman in at nearly an point in history (except the last 25 years) would have gone home and “communicated” to her husband about how much she needed his help with the infant? No, she would have done what God designed her to do, and care for the child. And a godly wife would have done so with a humble and meek attitude. That doesn’t mean that a loving husband wouldn’t suggest to his wife that she go take a nap while he takes care of the baby for a while, but these expectations are just another reflection of our entitled society, and our deep disrespect for both the family structure that God put in place at creation and our husbands.
This post defies Scripture, as well as 1850 years of church teaching. Jesus did not tell us that communication was the most important thing, rather repentance and obedience.
If the objective of our marriage is to be comfortable and happy, then we are grossly mistaken. I think the problem Crystal had, as do I, is that the posts over the last year or so, have been seemingly skewed towards the wife telling the husband how the marriage should operate.
Hi there,
I really do appreciate where you’re coming from and especially your devotion to Scripture. That’s so important!
However, I just question whether you’re reading too much in to our cultural tradition and equating that with Scripture. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that men are not supposed to help with infants, or that women are supposed to be the sole (or even main) caregivers for children.
Or here’s another way to look at it: what God says is true actually has positive benefits for people. For instance, those who are virgins on their wedding day tend to have better sex in the long run. Those who wait until they are married tend to have better marriages. Those who devote themselves to their families tend to raise children who are healthier emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
If we see a command that we think is from Scripture, then, that has negative consequences when lived out in real life, it’s worth asking whether our interpretation of Scripture is wrong, because God’s commands always are for our good. In this case, I think you’re a little off, because research has consistently shown that children are healthier in every way when the dad is involved in childrearing from the very beginning. This isn’t a feminist thing; this is simply true.
That in no way means that men have to do 50%; I think trying to measure 50% is ridiculous anyway and leads to a whole host of marriage problems. In most marriages each spouse ends up specializing in an area (one may do most of the cleaning and childrearing while the other earns most of the money), and that’s fine and good. Like most commenters here, I certainly got up with my kids in the middle of the night and didn’t expect my husband to, because he was at work all day (and often many nights). And I did most of the cleaning because when he was home I wanted time with him. Nothing wrong with that. But he did take an active role in caring for the babies and interacting with the babies because that’s what dads should do.
I think saying that “we’ve been doing it this way for thousands of years must mean that it’s God’s way” is erroneous. We had slavery for thousands of years, too. Just because things have been a certain way doesn’t mean that’s right. The question is: what does God say in Scripture, and what is the healthiest thing for families? In this case, I think having the dad interact with the baby and be part of childrearing is so key.
I believe there is a lot of false teaching out there about how a woman can’t express her opinion (or that she’s sinning if she isn’t always happy with her husband’s choices) simply because she’s a woman. That is not what the Bible teaches, and I am trying to provide some balance that actually leads to healthy communication, respect, and love. A marriage can’t survive in a healthy way if one person is never expressing an opinion or is never being heard. I think that’s a misreading of Scripture, and I do think that it needs to be countered.
First of all, I didn’t say that a father shouldn’t be involved, but rather that dictating to him how he is going to be involved is a response of our entitled, self-centered thought process. Again, it points back to the wife. This post is presented in more than just the wife communicating, but rather the wife getting her husband to do what she wanted. She could have listened to his concerns and insecurity and said, “okay, I understand that, it was wrong of me to not respect that.” It isn’t a matter of wives not being able to express need, but rather that the wife is telling the husband what he needs to be.
There is no doubt that a father’s involvement is so very important. Every statistic bears this out overwhelmingly. In fact if a father attends church without the mother, 93% of children will continue in the faith. However, if the mother attends without the father it drops to single digits in percentages. Nobody is arguing against a father’s involvement. We are arguing against a wife dictating to her husband how their marriage is going to take place. It’s a reversal of headship, and in the long run is very damaging to marriage. That is much different than expressing your tiredness with a newborn and asking if he can help during this time of exhaustion.
Up until formula, breast pumps and bottles, so yes, all of human history, it was the woman’s responsibility to care for the infant. By design of our Creator!
Now, you reference to slavery. Some slavery was certainly within the moral standards of God. For did not God send the Israelites into slavery? There were slaves in the new testament time, and what did Paul command them? To respect their master, and serve him as the Lord. To the master He did not require him to grant freedom to the slaves, but to treat them as a brother and sister in Christ. You are making a different type of argument, one in which you could be wrong Scripturally by saying all slavery is wrong.
Again, the point is not whether or not a father should participate, but rather the wife both expecting and telling the father to do so. Using your own logic, I want to challenge your assumptions. For all of christian history fathers were the head of households, and respected as such. Families stayed together and children stayed in the faith and by and large grew into responsible adults. Women were happier. For several decades now, the church has been preaching communication (of more importance than repentance) and fathers being mother’s helpers. This teaching is playing greatly into the rapid descent of church attendance, and christian families reflecting no identifiable difference than the world. What we had for millennia worked, men being the head of households, being men.
There is nothing wrong with communication, and there is nothing wrong with fathers helping out. However, it has to be in the right application; the biblical one, in which wives aren’t dictating husbands how marriage and parenting are going to take place.
Hi there,
Just a few things, because I think I’ve said all I need to in my posts already, and I don’t always find these back and forths fruitful, when there are fundamental differences. I totally recognize that not everyone shares my views, and that is totally okay. You are more than welcome to search out the Scriptures for yourself and come to a very different conclusion than me. In fact, I think that’s what faith is about–searching out God and taking responsibility for our own views, and I appreciate that you’ve done that.
But I think a few things do need to be answered. Nowhere in this article did the wife “dictate” anything to her husband. She had a concern and she expressed it. I think by repeating that this woman “dictated” something you mischaracterize her motives and malign my guest poster, who wrote a lovely piece about how both she and her husband found peace in their marriage. They are both so much happier now that things have been brought out into the open, and I don’t understand why people are having such a hard time with that.
But let’s say she was more adamant–what you would call “dictating”. I think there are times when that is warranted. If a husband is clearly in sin (say, using porn or having an affair or abusing the kids), he needs to be told, “this ends now.” God NEVER calls us to submit to sin.
Second, slavery is NEVER justified. God allowed slavery as a punishment–but that does not mean slavery was good or right. In fact, He punished those who put the Israelites in slavery, even as He allowed it. I think Christians making excuses for slavery and not condemning it in every possible way puts Christ in a very bad light, personally.
Solascriptura, slavery was reprehensible then and it’s reprehensible now. It’s a denial of the inherent personhood of human beings. And frankly I find it shocking and repulsive that you would defend slavery on a public forum. That reflects badly on Christ.
I can totally see this. I babysat all through my teens, so I was completely comfortable around babies when we had our first. She was one of the first babies my husband had ever held (other than his niece, who lived in another city). He was uncertain, like your husband. At the same time, my husband was also very busy with school when both our first and our third daughters were born, so like you, I tried to do everything to let him focus on school. Maybe as a result of that, all of our girls have been “mommy’s girl” and I’ve resented my husband at times for not helping out more. So thanks for sharing! 🙂 I hope other new moms can learn from this and not make the mistakes we made! 🙂
Hi Bonnie,
Good to know I’m not alone! Thanks for your feedback.
Kate
I had that same mindset years ago, Katie, when my boys arrived on the scene, but for different reasons than yours. I simply became enthralled with my babies and it took over all of my time and attention–leaving my hubby in the dust! I’m glad that you learned to balance this tricky situation. Everyone is on learning-curve overload when a baby comes into the mix that sometimes we don’t see an important aspect that’s been minimized or left out. Thanks for sharing this important truth to us all and thanks to Sheila for the linkup and highlighting your wisdom today!
Hi Beth,
That’s exactly the point I was trying to make – I totally missed that my husband was having his own struggles. I’ve been reminded to look for the best in my husband and not presume the worst! (Cringe.)
Kate
Thanks for posting this! I’m newly married and expecting my first. I’m pretty sure my husband will be okay with babies, since he has brothers 12 and 14 years younger than him, but I’m sure fatherhood can be a big change! He is planning to take off 3 weeks of work when I have the baby, so hopefully that will help us to set up some balanced routines.
Hi Abby,
Congratulations and all the best for when your little one arrives!
I am sure your husband will do fine since he already has experience. Good luck!
Kate
Hi! We are so happy to make your acquaintance and join your weekly party. We found you on
myjoyfilledlife.com
Thanks for hosting a great party,
Denise W. & Aubrie B. of BeBetsy.com
I am 22 and so is my husband. I am a stay at home mom with identical twin girls who are over a year old now. I am happily married to my husband but he is unable to help me due to certain circumstances. I have done everything all by myself. I wish I could ask him for help but, as much as he wants to help me he can’t… I don’t resent him for it I completely understand and I try to make sure he feels like a good father although he can’t help me.
Sometimes, I do get upset when he tells me that I don’t do much all day, or I need to get a job overnight… because to me, I have a full-time job and even though I don’t get paid for it, I don’t care… and he doesn’t know what it is like to be a stay at home father since he is away… and if I work all night and dont get rest during the day I will drive myself crazy trying to stay awake during the day with them while still trying to be a positive example for our daughters… It’s not healthy to do that in my opinion anyway… but, kudos for the women that can do that! Lol. Anyway, every woman’s parenting situations are very different and learning to cope and learning to ask for help when you feel you really need it helps especially if you have someone willing to help you. Thank you to everyone who has shared on this blog too!
This reminds me so much of when our first was born. We talked about our expectations ahead of time, which I still think was a good idea, but the reality was well beyond what we had any idea of expecting. I was inexperienced too but I had instant hands-on training out of necessity or the baby wouldn’t survive. Steep learning curve, but I did it. My husband had a harder time with the details of caring for our daughter and had a hard time even knowing how to hold her. I got to a point (and I’m still working on this) where I measured how much he loved us by whether he would change her diaper or not. Petty, maybe, but to me it symbolized sacrificing personal inclinations in order to serve someone vulnerable who depends on you in a unique way. He probably did it only a handful of times in her first year. However, when our second was born 17 months later, I handed our older one over to him completely for those couple of weeks that he was home on leave and abdicated from nighttime wakings for the older one in his favor. He stepped up quite marvelously. I still do the vast majority of everything with the babies but now that we have several it works for us for him to take the older ones and leave me with the littlest. Interestingly, he was much more involved early on with our current youngest and she is a total daddy’s girl–most of the time he loves it and I’m relishing the times that she calls for him in the middle of the night instead of me. 🙂 When the latest model arrives in July, I think it likely that he will be similarly hands on with him since our older ones still have quite a lot of neediness for mommy, which takes up a lot of my time and attention. Time to start working on that communication…
Hi,
This is an excellent article – thank you very much. My hubby and I had the arrangement that because he works (and works for himself, so no work = no pay), and I was at home, I would take care of Baby Girl when she woke up during the night. She didn’t sleep for 3 years and we eventually had to get a child behaviorist in to help us. In fact, she is now five, and she still hates sleeping. (Guess God just made her that way). I was too tired in the beginning to even think of being resentful, but I do think that sometimes we expect our hubbies to work, provide and cook and wash dishes (which is what my hubby did and still does do), and then I get resentful when he doesn’t wake up in the night to attend to Baby Girl? It just doesn’t make sense to me. I often think our expectations of what our hubbies must do to keep us happy are just too high. Of course there are days when you can’t take another step, and hubby needs to step in to help and I find for myself, the older Baby Girl gets, the more hubby is involved, because he can relate to her so much better. Were the infant years hard? It was the hardest thing I have ever done – I KNOW why sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Because it works. Would I change anything? Not a thing – if that was the only way for us to have Baby Girl with the waking up eight times a night for three years? I would do it all over again. And I have such a special bond with her – she is such a darling little girl. Hubby helped me in the best way he knew how – and I am so grateful for all that he did and still continues to do. I do, however, agree with honest and open communication – sometimes just talking things through changes your perspective and helps to move forward. Thank you for a great article.
Kate, firstly I would like to thank you for posting something that is clearly so close to your heart.
When my daughter was conceived I was not in such a fortunate position as yourself, your marriage is perhaps one I would have quietly envied from the outside.
To read for a while, even the strongest of marriages can have teething problems, unites us as women, mothers and wives.
While we do not all follow the same path in life, we do not have the same relationships, careers, personalities, children… I could go on. I’m sure we can agree that at one point or another we have all felt resentment, we have all required a little more help at one time or another.
I to when pregnant with my daughter had very similar feelings to those you express, I had an ideological view of how parent hood would be, how I would feel as a mother and how this tiny being would fit into our lives. After all, it is expected in society that the mother is the main care giver, whilst the husband is the breadwinner. I certainly accepted this view, I had carried our daughter inside me and had not been alone for 9 months. I couldn’t imagine having someone else know how to care for her as I did.
This same view was the one I had when I started the magical journey, known as motherhood. You express such admiration for your husband, It is clear from the offset this is a man you love very, very much.
I interpret your story of how you come to resent him, not of one where you are pointing out your husbands flaws. Instead of one where communicating with your partner has enabled you to learn more about yourself.
You are honest and frank, you are a perfectionist and had higher expectations of how he would react to your new daughter.
This is not to say your husband had failed as a father or indeed your husband, through communicating with him you were actually able to open your eyes to his feelings and in doing so help him to become stronger.
I can only ponder the thought of how life would be had you not simply spoken to the man you love. In having a simple conversation you were able to understand your husbands fears and wishes and in doing so you were able to relenquish some much needed time.
You have managed it would seem, to once again have a happy medium inside your marriage where by you both are enjoying your new family. Your husband is no longer scared of your once tiny, fragile baby and so is blossoming a beautiful relationship.
I am in awe of the way you have written your thoughts so honestly, we live in 2015 the time where it would seem if something is broken people throw it away. You were able to recognise a small crack and through trust and love in your husband this has already been fixed and will soon be a distant memory. I’m sure to be replaced with another, this is life and you have shown exceptional tools on how you deal with it.
Thank you Kate for taking the time to open our eyes and I wish you the best of luck with your little family
I’m always perplexed when I hear mothers go back and forth and pick at each other because our methods don’t match. I’ve seen it from stay-at-home vs. working moms, homeschooled vs. schooled, and the list goes on. Can we not share what works for US as INDIVIDUALS instead of trying to pass it off as the RULE?
Mothering is tough, and while the bulk of the load falls on us, a family unit needs both parents to succeed; from start to finish. Fathers don’t get a pass.
I did the same thing Kate did. My husband worked so I took a 24 hr shift as the stay-at-home mom. Not even acknowledging to myself that I was suffering from post-partum blues. Poor guy AND gal! We didn’t know what hit us, but we held hands and ploughed through. I don’t know what I would have done without him there. I don’t know how single moms do it with no support because we are MOTHERS not SUPER-HUMANS. We CAN’T do it alone. Dads are there to help. I mean, they were part of the process too. And because Kate wasn’t a widow, nor I, doesn’t make our plight any less significant. I did not find her tone condescending, if anything, it self-deprecating as she checked herself on her own behavior and called herself out for it.
Let’s laugh at ourselves and cut each other a break. Give each other a slap on the back as we recognize, acknowledge, and take accountability for our behavior. We could be doing a whole LOT worse.
By our second child we both had our sea legs under us and was able to wade through a second difficult pregnancy a with a bit more understanding and preparedness.
Thanks, Nadine. I agree!
You know…it’s funny. Mine are 5 and 2…you’d think I would have at least some of this parenting thing figured out by now. Just this weekend, we were visiting with some family. I was dealing with a sibling squabble that had spiraled a bit out of control. My husband just kept right on visiting. The more I stewed on it, the angrier I got. Finally, that evening I collapsed in a weeping mess because he “just expects me to handle everything.” (I know….dramatic much?) He patiently and kindly told me he thought I had everything under control and didn’t want to swoop in and take over, thus undermining my authority. Great article on how important it is to keep the lines of communication open and never make assumptions on what is going on in the other person’s head.
That is how I do with my husband. If I see him struggling I do not just jump up to help because it feels like I am taking over or that I am implying he can’t handle it. At the most I will say, do need help? But otherwise, I will wait until he says “hey can you help me with this.”
So that is not necessarily right or wrong, but the point is people approach things differently and it does not make them a bad person who does not care about you. They just have a different approach or different perceptive.
If that does not work for the other person, they should communicate that.
Wow, some verrryyyy interesting comments on this article. First, let me say that I am a Christian and do NOT share the viewpoints of some of these negative comments and I believe those commenters are the minority, not the majority. Katie, I so appreciated your honesty while sharing your story. I personally am not married or have any kids, but your point about the importance of ongoing, authentic communication resonated with me. I am a firm believer in communicating openly, honestly, and respectfully with those you are in relationship with, whether that be a spouse, friend, or co-worker. So many problems can be prevented by choosing to be vulnerable with the ones you love and communicating your heart so that you can work towards a solution. I appreciated you sharing your story and the lessons you learned along the way. Blessings to you!
Kate,
First, I am a Christian and I apologize for offenses made to you by others on this post. I agree with Sheila, it’s a minority point of view that misinterprets scripture. The sad thing is so often we remember the judgmental words that hurt instead of the ones that encourage.
That being said, I agree wholeheartedly with what you wrote! But this is something I battle with EVERYday! I too told my husband not to get up for night awakenings. I struggle everyday to be some kind of “perfect” version of a wife. Have the house clean, dinner ready, laundry done, child under control, etc. You see, my husband’s mother and sister (both Christians) are of a different mindset. They portray the “Wonderwoman” mother. The “I can do it all without any help” attitude. And quite often wear themselves out trying. But they say this is the way it is! Hogwash!! My husband’s father worked long hours to provide while his mother stayed home. He was NOT expected to be hands on. There were times he helped out at night when he was on night shift and came home at 2 in the morning. But the biggest things remembered were having the house cleaned and kids quiet by the time dad came home, plus dinner ready, plus mom continued to tend to kids. Now his sister is the same with her husband and children.
Issue is, my husband grew up with that mindset and continues to see it displayed with his family. I stay home, something we both wanted and agreed to, and he works. I feel, though he says differently, he expects the same. Sometimes he makes comments that confirm this. I also feel as though he is not really present when he comes home. I often see that he does not engage our daughter in play and she is 2 yrs old. He loves her beyond words. I do know that! But I think deep down he may not realize his true expectations of our roles in this family.
I believe we both should speak up and talk about our expectations as partners in marriage and as parents. Did we not BOTH take our vows and decide to become one? And did we not BOTH decide to have and raise a family? YES!!! We are in this together, as a team. A team only does their best when they communicate. It’s hard, but I found your guest post very encouraging. So Thank You!!
Heather