Do you long to feel more adventurous in bed?

Recently I received this email:

We’ve been married for 8 years. I am an introvert and do not like being in the center of attention. This also reflects in my sex life and has from the very beginning. I know that my husband wishes I were more adventurous and open and I wish that too!! How can I become more comfortable with spicing things up in the bedroom (wearing lingerie, being more vocal during sex, even doing a sexy dance, etc.). I want to be completely free, but freeze and feel self-conscious at the idea of actually doing one of those things. Do you have any suggestions for being more adventurous?

You’ve come to the right place! And so today, for top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d share 10 tips to be more adventurous in bed–just in time for Valentine’s Day!

And these 10 things all address the problem: We’re too self-conscious, and we’re nervous about sex. So the key is to first make us more comfortable, and second set up scenarios where we don’t have to feel like we’re the ones who have to come up with something to do. It’s on the agenda anyway, so we’re not instigating it. And for a lot of women that’s a lot less scary! So here we go: we’ll start with little things first to make you more relaxed, and then we’ll get steamier as we go along!

1. Turn The Heat Up

It’s such a little thing, but most women are a lot more comfortable when they’re not cold. If you want your husband to see you in lingerie, don’t be shivering! Just put a space heater near your bed. That way you don’t have to turn up the heat in the whole house.

2. Turn the Lights Low–or Use Candles

If you’re nervous about him watching you, or about what you look like, then turn the lights low. You can still do a little “lingerie fashion show” without the lights blaring.

A little light is fun–men are visual, after all. But if you’re nervous, setting softer light can go a long way to making you feel more at ease–and help you feel more adventurous.

3. Start with a Bath–or a Massage

Instead of just jumping in to sex, start with something that relaxes you and helps you feel intimate. After all, why are we scared to be adventurous in bed? Because it feels like all we care about is sex. Doing something that connects you more intimately first shows you that it’s about the relationship. So cuddle in a warm bath. Take a hot shower. Have him give you a massage (while you’re both naked!) Get relaxed and let yourself FEEL that he accepts you.

4. Add Something Extra That You Can Prepare Earlier

Sometimes we need to act when the thought strikes–instead of hoping that your courage will be there at night, when he’s watching you or you’re together. So if you’re feeling a little frisky or a little more adventurous, and you’re hoping for some fun tonight, head to your bedroom NOW, before you talk yourself out of it, and draw a little lipstick heart somewhere interesting for him to find later–like on your breast or inner thigh. Put on some risque lingerie for him to discover when you undress tonight. Dab bits of different perfume on different areas of your body that he’ll have to find later. Or come up with some other ideas.

But the key: do it when the thought strikes. Don’t assume you’ll follow through tonight!

5. Create His Nights and Her Nights

Maybe there’s something that he’d really like to try that you’re not totally keen on. And you’re worried that if you do it he’ll want it all the time! Or you feel embarrassed to suggest that maybe you should try that tonight.

One couple I know decided that every Saturday was either “his” night or “her” night–they switched weekly. And on his night they did things that he liked doing. On her night they did things she liked doing–even if that included a 45 minute massage first.

Here’s the benefit: If you’re feeling shy or embarrassed to try something new, psychologically you’re “off the hook” because it’s not YOU who is initiating this; it’s him. And you know that you’ll get your own preferences later. Then on the nights between the Saturdays you can just do what you would normally do.

Often we women actually want to do some of the things he’d want on “his” nights, but we don’t want to feel like we’d have to be doing them all the time. Or else we’re embarrassed to say, “that actually interests me too”. Here’s a way to just do it!

If you find it difficult to voice what you would want on your day, write your “his” and “her” ideas on pieces of paper and then put them in a jar–you can use different colours for each of you, or just use two jars. Then on his nights and her nights you can pick out a piece of paper and do what it says. Again, this psychologically feels easier because you don’t have to voice a preference, but you do get your needs met.

6. Have Him Stay Stock Still–and Don’t Let Him Talk

Have him lie on his back and tell him that he can’t move for ten minutes–and he’s absolutely not allowed to talk (he can moan if he wants to, but no words). The benefit? You can explore his body without any feedback from him (well, except that you’ll likely see the response you’re getting rather obviously). Don’t even look at his face if you find it too embarrassing. This lets you actually feel his body or do whatever you want to his body and just get to know it better. If you need to, blindfold him so that he can’t see what you’re doing, and you feel more free to explore.

Intercourse is actually not the most intimate thing. It’s far more intimate to be intentional about touching and teasing and taking time to explore. That shows real interest on your part about learning about him–and that’s why it can be embarrassing. If any of us grew up thinking that showing interest in sex was shameful, then to show interest in learning something sexually can be difficult.

But what if HE’S the one who balks at this, and doesn’t want to try anything racy? Here’s a post when he’s the one who needs to be more adventurous in bed.

7. Have Him Play “Teacher”

On Sunday night, in Houston, I was giving my Girl Talk presentation on sex and marriage. Part of that presentation always includes an anonymous Q&A (I answer questions that were written down), and one of the questions was “How exactly do you perform oral sex?” (although it was worded a little more graphically. 🙂 ).

Sometimes fear that we’re doing something wrong can also make us embarrassed and hold us back from being adventurous. What if you do something wrong–or something that doesn’t feel good? This can especially be a problem if you know that your husband has had a lot of sexual experience beforehand. What if you don’t measure up?

I replied to that question like this: “I’m pretty sure you already have someone who could teach you that in detail, but that person is not in this room.” Because most husbands, I would guess, would be eager to show you exactly what to do.

So have a night when he plays teacher. He’s not asking you to do something; he’s actually giving very clear direction and “orders”, if you want to phrase it that way. And then he can give you a special reward if you master whatever skill he wants you to learn.

Honestly, every couple should do this periodically, because we all could learn from each other. And quite often we’re hesitant when we’re normally making love to say, “a little to the left” or “a little harder” or “not quite so fast”. It seems rude. But if you’re playing teacher, you can easily. And then you can be a willing pupil!

When you see that you’ve actually mastered a skill, it’s easier to initiate it later.

Don’t forget–if you really want to steam things up, my book 31 Days to Great Sex will add a ton of spice and fun to your marriage! It will get you talking, flirting, and trying new things without feeling all awkward! 

And it’s only $4.99 for the ebook version. Check it out here.

8. Play a Game

Here’s another way to try new things. Put the things you want to try on a dice, and then roll the dice and do what it says! I’ve got a Dice Game that you can print out right here.

9. Play Beat the Clock

Here’s another fun–and adventurous–one. Using a kitchen timer (or a stopwatch on your phone), make a list of things you’d like to do and then do them each–but only for two minutes. This gives a kind of urgency to what you’re doing, but also helps you to relax a little bit because you’re changing things up so constantly. There isn’t a lot of time to start second guessing yourself or getting nervous!

Here’s another variation on the same idea: take him into the bedroom and tell him he can do anything he wants to do–but he only has 5 minutes. So he had better get a move on and have some fun! If he’s not finished in that time, then you’re going back downstairs (but have pity on him later in the day, or play again in an hour or two).

This is often exciting because you’re concentrating on his pleasure, not yours. In that amount of time most women can’t reach orgasm, so the emphasis isn’t on making you feel good. It’s on letting him have as much fun as possible as quickly as possible. So he doesn’t have to worry about saving himself or holding something back for you. He can let go! For a lot of women this is a very freeing thing because you see how excited you get him when he only has to care about having fun himself (a lot of men won’t even need the whole 5 minutes).

10. Talk

Our reader asked how can she learn to be more vocal during sex. The key? Don’t overanalyze. Don’t worry about what you’re supposed to say or about saying the right thing. Just FEEL–and then tell him what you feel. Here’s how:

Ask yourself: what feels good right now?

When you ask that question, you pay attention to your body and you start realizing what is feeling good. Often we women get so caught up in our heads when we’re making love that we become almost disconnected from our bodies. Asking this question reminds you to pay attention to what your body is saying.

When  you realize what feels good, just say it. “Oh, my [insert whatever body part] is tingling”, or “It feels so good when you [insert whatever he’s doing]”. Just say what you’re feeling!

Ask yourself: What do you want him to do now?

When you start paying attention to your body, you’ll likely start to notice that some parts of your body are now crying out for attention. That’s what arousal does to you.

When you notice it, say it. “Oh, baby, touch my [insert body part]”.

You don’t have to use weird words for body parts–it’s okay to use the real ones (or whatever you’re comfortable saying). And believe me–this is sexy! It may feel like it sounds trite, but what really turns a guy on is hearing that you’re into it.

So there you go–10 tips to help you feel like the sexual being you were created to be–to help you be more adventurous in bed! Why not pick a few and put them into practice this week?

In fact, here’s my suggestion: for Valentine’s Day, write out your “his” and “her” night ideas, and then make a pledge that you’ll do them over the next few months. Let yourself go! Relax about sex! You’re married. You’re supposed to enjoy each other. Don’t let fear hold you back from something so amazing.

Have fun!