Do you long to feel more adventurous in bed?
Recently I received this email:
We’ve been married for 8 years. I am an introvert and do not like being in the center of attention. This also reflects in my sex life and has from the very beginning. I know that my husband wishes I were more adventurous and open and I wish that too!! How can I become more comfortable with spicing things up in the bedroom (wearing lingerie, being more vocal during sex, even doing a sexy dance, etc.). I want to be completely free, but freeze and feel self-conscious at the idea of actually doing one of those things. Do you have any suggestions for being more adventurous?
You’ve come to the right place! And so today, for top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d share 10 tips to be more adventurous in bed–just in time for Valentine’s Day!
And these 10 things all address the problem: We’re too self-conscious, and we’re nervous about sex. So the key is to first make us more comfortable, and second set up scenarios where we don’t have to feel like we’re the ones who have to come up with something to do. It’s on the agenda anyway, so we’re not instigating it. And for a lot of women that’s a lot less scary! So here we go: we’ll start with little things first to make you more relaxed, and then we’ll get steamier as we go along!
1. Turn The Heat Up
It’s such a little thing, but most women are a lot more comfortable when they’re not cold. If you want your husband to see you in lingerie, don’t be shivering! Just put a space heater near your bed. That way you don’t have to turn up the heat in the whole house.
2. Turn the Lights Low–or Use Candles
If you’re nervous about him watching you, or about what you look like, then turn the lights low. You can still do a little “lingerie fashion show” without the lights blaring.
A little light is fun–men are visual, after all. But if you’re nervous, setting softer light can go a long way to making you feel more at ease–and help you feel more adventurous.
3. Start with a Bath–or a Massage
Instead of just jumping in to sex, start with something that relaxes you and helps you feel intimate. After all, why are we scared to be adventurous in bed? Because it feels like all we care about is sex. Doing something that connects you more intimately first shows you that it’s about the relationship. So cuddle in a warm bath. Take a hot shower. Have him give you a massage (while you’re both naked!) Get relaxed and let yourself FEEL that he accepts you.
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4. Add Something Extra That You Can Prepare Earlier
Sometimes we need to act when the thought strikes–instead of hoping that your courage will be there at night, when he’s watching you or you’re together. So if you’re feeling a little frisky or a little more adventurous, and you’re hoping for some fun tonight, head to your bedroom NOW, before you talk yourself out of it, and draw a little lipstick heart somewhere interesting for him to find later–like on your breast or inner thigh. Put on some risque lingerie for him to discover when you undress tonight. Dab bits of different perfume on different areas of your body that he’ll have to find later. Or come up with some other ideas.
But the key: do it when the thought strikes. Don’t assume you’ll follow through tonight!
5. Create His Nights and Her Nights
Maybe there’s something that he’d really like to try that you’re not totally keen on. And you’re worried that if you do it he’ll want it all the time! Or you feel embarrassed to suggest that maybe you should try that tonight.
One couple I know decided that every Saturday was either “his” night or “her” night–they switched weekly. And on his night they did things that he liked doing. On her night they did things she liked doing–even if that included a 45 minute massage first.
Here’s the benefit: If you’re feeling shy or embarrassed to try something new, psychologically you’re “off the hook” because it’s not YOU who is initiating this; it’s him. And you know that you’ll get your own preferences later. Then on the nights between the Saturdays you can just do what you would normally do.
Often we women actually want to do some of the things he’d want on “his” nights, but we don’t want to feel like we’d have to be doing them all the time. Or else we’re embarrassed to say, “that actually interests me too”. Here’s a way to just do it!
If you find it difficult to voice what you would want on your day, write your “his” and “her” ideas on pieces of paper and then put them in a jar–you can use different colours for each of you, or just use two jars. Then on his nights and her nights you can pick out a piece of paper and do what it says. Again, this psychologically feels easier because you don’t have to voice a preference, but you do get your needs met.
6. Have Him Stay Stock Still–and Don’t Let Him Talk
Have him lie on his back and tell him that he can’t move for ten minutes–and he’s absolutely not allowed to talk (he can moan if he wants to, but no words). The benefit? You can explore his body without any feedback from him (well, except that you’ll likely see the response you’re getting rather obviously). Don’t even look at his face if you find it too embarrassing. This lets you actually feel his body or do whatever you want to his body and just get to know it better. If you need to, blindfold him so that he can’t see what you’re doing, and you feel more free to explore.
Intercourse is actually not the most intimate thing. It’s far more intimate to be intentional about touching and teasing and taking time to explore. That shows real interest on your part about learning about him–and that’s why it can be embarrassing. If any of us grew up thinking that showing interest in sex was shameful, then to show interest in learning something sexually can be difficult.
But what if HE’S the one who balks at this, and doesn’t want to try anything racy? Here’s a post when he’s the one who needs to be more adventurous in bed.
7. Have Him Play “Teacher”
On Sunday night, in Houston, I was giving my Girl Talk presentation on sex and marriage. Part of that presentation always includes an anonymous Q&A (I answer questions that were written down), and one of the questions was “How exactly do you perform oral sex?” (although it was worded a little more graphically. 🙂 ).
Sometimes fear that we’re doing something wrong can also make us embarrassed and hold us back from being adventurous. What if you do something wrong–or something that doesn’t feel good? This can especially be a problem if you know that your husband has had a lot of sexual experience beforehand. What if you don’t measure up?
I replied to that question like this: “I’m pretty sure you already have someone who could teach you that in detail, but that person is not in this room.” Because most husbands, I would guess, would be eager to show you exactly what to do.
So have a night when he plays teacher. He’s not asking you to do something; he’s actually giving very clear direction and “orders”, if you want to phrase it that way. And then he can give you a special reward if you master whatever skill he wants you to learn.
Honestly, every couple should do this periodically, because we all could learn from each other. And quite often we’re hesitant when we’re normally making love to say, “a little to the left” or “a little harder” or “not quite so fast”. It seems rude. But if you’re playing teacher, you can easily. And then you can be a willing pupil!
When you see that you’ve actually mastered a skill, it’s easier to initiate it later.
Do you want MORE for your sex life?
The 31 Days to Great Sex Challenge was written to help you spice it up in the bedroom!
Try new things, explore each other, and turn on those fireworks!
8. Play a Game
Here’s another way to try new things. Put the things you want to try on a dice, and then roll the dice and do what it says! I’ve got a Dice Game that you can print out right here.
9. Play Beat the Clock
Here’s another fun–and adventurous–one. Using a kitchen timer (or a stopwatch on your phone), make a list of things you’d like to do and then do them each–but only for two minutes. This gives a kind of urgency to what you’re doing, but also helps you to relax a little bit because you’re changing things up so constantly. There isn’t a lot of time to start second guessing yourself or getting nervous!
Here’s another variation on the same idea: take him into the bedroom and tell him he can do anything he wants to do–but he only has 5 minutes. So he had better get a move on and have some fun! If he’s not finished in that time, then you’re going back downstairs (but have pity on him later in the day, or play again in an hour or two).
This is often exciting because you’re concentrating on his pleasure, not yours. In that amount of time most women can’t reach orgasm, so the emphasis isn’t on making you feel good. It’s on letting him have as much fun as possible as quickly as possible. So he doesn’t have to worry about saving himself or holding something back for you. He can let go! For a lot of women this is a very freeing thing because you see how excited you get him when he only has to care about having fun himself (a lot of men won’t even need the whole 5 minutes).
10. Talk
Our reader asked how can she learn to be more vocal during sex. The key? Don’t overanalyze. Don’t worry about what you’re supposed to say or about saying the right thing. Just FEEL–and then tell him what you feel. Here’s how:
Ask yourself: what feels good right now?
When you ask that question, you pay attention to your body and you start realizing what is feeling good. Often we women get so caught up in our heads when we’re making love that we become almost disconnected from our bodies. Asking this question reminds you to pay attention to what your body is saying.
When you realize what feels good, just say it. “Oh, my [insert whatever body part] is tingling”, or “It feels so good when you [insert whatever he’s doing]”. Just say what you’re feeling!
Ask yourself: What do you want him to do now?
When you start paying attention to your body, you’ll likely start to notice that some parts of your body are now crying out for attention. That’s what arousal does to you.
When you notice it, say it. “Oh, baby, touch my [insert body part]”.
You don’t have to use weird words for body parts–it’s okay to use the real ones (or whatever you’re comfortable saying). And believe me–this is sexy! It may feel like it sounds trite, but what really turns a guy on is hearing that you’re into it.
Marriage Shouldn’t Be BORING!
So there you go–10 tips to help you feel like the sexual being you were created to be–to help you be more adventurous in bed! Why not pick a few and put them into practice this week?
In fact, here’s my suggestion: for Valentine’s Day, write out your “his” and “her” night ideas, and then make a pledge that you’ll do them over the next few months. Let yourself go! Relax about sex! You’re married. You’re supposed to enjoy each other. Don’t let fear hold you back from something so amazing.
Have fun!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The guy could dress up like Indiana Jones and take out that whip lol.
Thats for a heck of a adventure 🙂
Linked here.
These are some great ideas! Thanks for the fun post. I think we need to focus on the fun factor of having sex. It doesn’t all have to be getting it done and out of the way. Totally going to do some of these things.
#10 Talk – is so very important. Give each other feedback, express your desires and encourage each other. This post applies all throughout the year and not just for the mid February holiday.
I would add to use music or a noise machine too, if she feels too reserved to make some noise. It is more intimidating when it’s the only/primary noise in the room. With time she can turn down the volume of the background noise as she feels more comfortable turning up her own volume. Or if that just isn’t ever going to feel natural, I suggest using her breathing to do the talking. It “says” a lot when you gasp if he starts something new that feels good, etc. Being more vocal doesn’t necessarily have to involve your vocal cords. 😉 Start small and take your time experimenting with new communication, but sometimes “just do it.” Yes, it may not feel totally natural at first, but the only way to make it natural is to just do it!
Music is a must with teenagers and adult children in the house!!!! They are not deaf, blind or dumb, they need to know that mom and dad love each other, BUT….. 🙂
My husband is more than a decade older than I am. From day one, I have been inhibited by being afraid of “what will he think if I…” Any ideas?
Sheila,
You are a treasure! Christian women should be getting this kind of encouragement within our community, rather than from tabloids and movies.
Great idea’s Sheila. The one thing that I find for couples(especially the woman) is sometimes you need to give them the permission to do “anything” their God Given Sensual Mind dreams of as long as both agree to it and it does not do physical harm to either. Too often, one holds back b/c of fear or embarrassment and that crushes intimacy. Happy Valentines to every sexually satisfied Christian Couple out there!
Karen,
I totally agree, breathing & sounds of passion are a HUGE turn on for him, and yourself. He will know how to interpret them.
I got giggly reading the word insert all through step 10.
…Married 4 years and still immature 😛
Great ideas though, thanks Sheila!
HA HA HA HA HA! 🙂
Married 7 years (next week) and we’re still “immature” like that too haha!
I am laughing so hard right now! Do you know the ah ha moment I just had with #1!!! My sex life grows cold in February because I am so cold!!!! I never thought to turn up the heat! I just left the socks on like a true Canadian! DUH! Thanks Sheila!
I love all these! Is also add putting on an album, both for background noise/muffling (we live in an apartment) and if it’s a nostalgic one even better. When we were dating we listened to the Beatles a lot. We’ll start off dancing, cuddling and feeling nostalgic and go from there. It reminds us that all the current stressors that sometimes take us away from sex don’t matter so much—we are the same people in our core that we were then!
I’m sure you aren’t aware of this, but as I was reading this blog post, there was a huge ad for 50 Shade of Gray from Amazon in the right hand column. As a fellow blogger, I know it can be very difficult to control the ads that appear from this kind of affiliate link, but there may be some way to adjust the settings to prevent this kind of undesirable material from being promoted in this location.
Rosemary, the ad you saw may have more to do with your web browser settings than with actual ads on this blog site. On my Mac with pop up and ad blockers I actually see no ads at all on this site. It is an unfortunate coincidence to pop on a Godly marriage site and find a 50 Shades of Gray ad, but I’m doubtful the ad you saw was actually solicited or connect in any way to Sheila’s blog.
Tara, you may be right. I have a lot of ad and pop up blocking in my browser, and there are some sites where I see no ads. I know there are times where individuals see ads on a site that the site owner knows nothing about, because the ad delivery algorithms show different ads to different people or different geographical areas. It’s very common to see an ad on one site for something that you just viewed on eBay or Amazon, and of course that ad is being shown only to you. The ad algorithms sometimes also pick out key words from a blog or its comments and use those to choose ads (sometimes with ridiculous results). So if someone mentioned a certain book, even in negative terms, and ad for that book might be displayed.
With some kinds of ad programs (such as Google’s Ad Sense) it is possible for blog owners to express preferences about the types of ads that will or won’t appear. For example, I have asked to block all political ads on my site. But there is a limit to how much control we have, and if we need advertising to support our blogs, then we are going to occasionally have something unwanted appear. My guess is that this particular book would get through most filters because it’s just a book on Amazon. I know Sheila would never intentionally advertise it.
Love these tips, thanks, Sheila!
I would like to print the dice game but couldn’t find the link.
Great reminder for folks! Couples need to shed the past and chart a new path.
Always enjoy your posts!
What do you do when your husband wants to take videos of you and him and you aren’t comfortable with that?
You say NO. Truly. If you’re really not comfortable with something, it’s okay to say no. And there are all sorts of reasons why that may not be a good idea anyway. I have another post on why taking naked pictures may not be a great idea either. But then make the things that you are comfortable with super fun!
Just one note, though: if your husband has a porn issue, then THAT is the issue. Not that you’re not adventurous enough in bed. And that needs to be dealt with firmly first.
Thanks a lot. I love the ideas 🙂
Sheila, thanks so much for all this tips. My husband and I just made 28yrs. And our sex life has been great until recently. He is 67 I’m 55 and because of issues with meds he’s not able to perform like he used to, which is a little frustrating. I want to encourage him because he’s been feeling so bummed out. We have an appt. With a urologist next month so we are hoping he can help us. But in the mean time we are being creative. My husband tells me don’t worry honey as long as my fingers and tongue move I’ll take care of you. LOL got to love him but I want to be able to bring satisfaction to him also but not sure how.
Hi Sheila,
My husband and I always have sex with the lights on. I don’t know why, but we always have from day one. The other night, he asked me to come into the bedroom and wake him up after getting the baby down. He was working early the next day and had gone to bed first. I sneaked in to bed, and left the lights off. It was a totally different experience! I quite liked it, actually. I felt more able to relax and wasn’t so embarrassed about how I looked, or faces I made, or how he looked/what he was doing. Hmmmm … interesting.
Sheila,
I know this was supposed to be a more lighthearted post about having more fun and feeling safe with your spouse. However, you said something in number 6 that has me so upset that I’m losing sleep and feeling nervous. I’ll say up front that I’m a spot on ISFJ male so this might explain my deep uneasy emotion toward your comment. I believe to my core that humans are part physical, emotional and spiritual beings. I also believe to my core that intercourse is the ultimate expression of physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy with my wife. It’s our way of becoming one and it is beautiful. To me, touching and teasing during our time together is a given and very fun. Yes it’s intimate, very. It’s the wonderful road we travel down before looking into each others eyes as we truly become one. Which is our ultimate expressing of vulnerability and acceptance. It almost hurts thinking one of us would experience ultimate intimacy alone, which in a sense is what exploring is. We both get aroused in our own way during this time together whether the giver or receiver and it’s intentional, fun and exciting. And we appreciate each others efforts. But it’s just the beginning of the road toward oneness. I guess if I had to choose one word to describe how I feel about only suggestion 6 it would be empty. I’m new here and don’t even know if you read comments from old posts but I just had to get this off my chest. It’s not easy being a male ISFJ, let me tell you. We think too deep, too much and too personally and it can be difficult, sorry. Thank God my wife is the same profile as me or I’d be in big trouble. Thanks Sheila!
Hey, Phil–
I think that if you’re talking about masturbation type exploring, I understand what you’re saying. But Sheila’s definitely not talking about parallel experience here–she’s talking about what you were describing your comment yourself. So I think there was a misunderstanding, because taking time to learn about your spouse and having your spouse study you is definitely something mutual and intimate.
Rebecca,
Thank you for the quick reply. We partake in all of the above and follow where ever we lead each other willingly. It’s fun but not the end goal, right? The end goal is the ultimate in intimacy. Oh well, I’m just not getting something here but it’s ok, wouldn’t be the first time. I came to this blog to help myself with a decades old internal struggle that prevented my true happiness. I searched for answers everywhere but found nothing. Please pass along my gratitude to Sheila for unknowingly starting my healing process. It means everything to me! On a side note is there any way to get a quick, honest answer to a big question without everyone reading it. I know you guys are not in the free advice business but it’s a Christian concept not really addressed in the blog that is confusing to me but probably not to you. Thanks
Hi Phil, I know this is an old comment on an even older post but it really stopped me in my tracks. And after reading it several times and thinking about it, I think there’s a bit of talking past each other here.
But let me rewind.
A lot of women, I would probably even say, the vast majority, hold as one of their core beliefs about themselves that they are an inconvenience. “Too much”, and also, “not enough”, all at the same time. (For more on this, read the book Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge.) They wouldn’t say it, even if you asked them, probably, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. This creates a lot of pressure in our minds to reduce our inconvenience to others, especially men, in any and every area of our lives. Which leads us to believe that we don’t deserve to take up space, to take up time, to actually have any legitimate needs at all. Like, my nerves are on high-alert thinking, am I taking up too much time keeping everybody waiting when I get off the bus!! Something as ordinary as that.
Now when that gets brought in to sex, it obviously is a big problem. But it still does get brought into sex. Half the reason we end up in unbalanced situations thinking it’s all about him is that voice in our own heads thinking, “he’s going to be getting so angry with me because I’m taking too long, I really need to hurry up, why don’t I just jump straight to the end, I’m sure that’s what he wants,” etc. Which can lead to intercourse that isn’t actually intimate, because she’s not really ‘present’. It’s just bodies, it’s not hearts. And she wouldn’t tell him this, because, well, she doesn’t want to be an inconvenience. So he doesn’t know and thinks that it is emotionally intimate too, since it is for him. (Not always, of course, but it is an easy trap for us women to fall into.)
So all of that, I think, is what Sheila was getting at with, “Intercourse is actually not the most intimate thing.” Not under those circumstances. It’s more intimate to remain emotionally present and not fast forward. Now, to do all of that the whole time and remain emotionally present by and during the time the whole couple is ready for the PIV section, of course that’s going to be even more intimate still. But that is going to be a massive feat, because it is going to challenge an entire lifetime of direct targeted hits straight from the very pit of Hell itself. So most women are still going to want to fast forward a bit, I think, or to put it another way, only show their emotionally vulnerable side for a limited time (and work up to increasing that time), and I think the point of Point 6 is, ‘limited is better than zero’? But if you didn’t know all of that, I can see that it could seem a bit of an odd statement.
Anyway, hope this helps, and I hope you see it.
Unmowngrass.
So what do I do when my husband of almost 15 years tells me he is tired of the same old sex we have and he isn’t making anymore decisions about anything, including sex. I am not a decision maker. And I want his input. We have sex about 1-4x a week. I normally start it & I usually have to get him hard & myself in the mood.
Neither of us have ever had sex with anyone else. (Been having sex with each other for 18 years – high school sweethearts)
I downloaded a new sex game and he won’t even say yes or no just says “I am not making any decisions”
For me/us when we are in the heat of the moment is when she will be more adventurous. This is a troublesome area fir us. What my wife lacks in adventure and variety she makes up for with quantity. I have come to accept that to a degree. Something that has transpired in our relationship is that I have stopped chasing her. Its not malicious it just is. The results have been the same and I am not driving myself crazy anymore. I am sure she has noticed but hasn’t said anything. I have witnessed a very small shift in her initiating intimacy. Not just sex but emotional and physical. I sent her the link to this post asa hint. I have all the hope in the world with no expectations. However. I will say all is well and its still getting better even if it is at a slow pace. I look forward to reading all the other comments later today on this topic. have a great day everyone
What if you have a husband who WON’T tell you what he likes? He seems fidgety and uncomfortable when I ask, and the only answer I can ever get out of him is “I don’t know.” He seems satisfied, but I’d like to make it mind-blowing amazing! So it’s frustrating when I can’t get any kind of direction out of him.😂
In those cases, M, sometimes it’s easier to have something else to do. Like a lot of people have trouble opening up with what they’d like, but they’re okay following someone else’s instructions. So that’s where 31 Days to Great Sex or my Sexy Dares may come in. Because you have to follow instructions, it’s less intimidating. It’s not like you had to reveal something about yourself. And then you can find out what’s fun and do it again!