I’m sorry my post is late today.
I’ve had a sleepless night, thinking and praying about something I’ve been involved in. And I’ve been wrestling with my motivations, and my commitment, but most of all my WHY?
Many years ago, when I was in high school, I knew a girl who was being abused. No one would believe it because her dad was an elder in the church. And I tried to help and I tried to counsel, but I was just a kid. And the abuse went on. And I felt like I had let her down.
In later years, I had kids in my extended sphere of influence that I knew were sad and dejected. And I tried to fix it. I had a neighbourhood girl who from age 6-12 practically lived at my house. I fed her most of her meals. I tried to teach her how to resolve conflict and act appropriately. I introduced her to Jesus. Most of all, I loved her.
But as she grew up she started to pull away, and I was desperate to keep her. What would happen to her without us? What if she went down the wrong road?
And then I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. I was wearing myself out trying to be this girl’s mother, when her actual parents didn’t care. And no matter what I did I couldn’t make up for the lack of parenting in her life. I stopped and let her go. We still saw her every now and then, but I did all I could do.
For a while now I’ve had a similar motivation about another group of kids. I see how they’re being treated. I see how the parents don’t understand that what is being taught them theologically is wrong. I see how they’re getting a warped view of God, and I desperately want to fix it. I love these kids. I want them to know Jesus.
And so I have poured my heart and soul and much time that I really don’t have into loving these kids, even though doing so puts me in the same path of the bullies that hurt them.
Last night I was finally released. I let it go. I can’t fix things, as much as I want to. And I can’t keep opening myself up to adult bullies.
I feel sadness this morning, but a great weight off of my shoulders.
And I woke up thinking about this column I wrote two years ago. I liked it then; I thought I would rerun it now.
Have you ever encountered an adult bully?
I’ve been in social situations when someone has said something so outrageous and mean-spirited that I was temporarily rendered mute, a state which drove me absolutely bonkers as I was lying in bed later that night thinking of all the things I should have said. They eluded me at the time because the situation seemed so bizarre.
I think that’s why adult bullies can be so effective: the behavior is just so out of the ordinary.
Sure, we may talk behind people’s backs (which is terrible, too), but in general we try to be polite to people’s faces. When someone violates that cardinal rule, we’re often so shocked that we say nothing. Perhaps it’s the residual British culture in us, but we’re not programmed to make scenes; we’re programmed to avoid scenes.
Bowling over people, then, becomes an awfully effective way at getting what they want. And adult bullies may genuinely not realize they’re pretentious jerks, although I think more likely they don’t care. They have such an inflated sense of their own self-worth that they keep at it.
We’ve been busy teaching children how to deal with bullies, but perhaps we need a refresher course for adults.
You’re being bullied if someone constantly demeans you or says snide remarks about you. You’re being bullied if someone is constantly yelling at you or criticizing you. You’re being bullied if someone deliberately isolates you in social or work situations. And you’re being bullied if someone is constantly making helpful “suggestions” and laying guilt trips if you don’t take them.
I often find that adult bullies tend to be older, especially in families. They think they have the right to tell other people how to live their lives and demand things a certain way. And we tolerate it, because “that’s just Grandpa Joe.” Or we do our best to compensate, running interference if anyone opens their mouths and says something that may set him off. We spend our energy trying to placate or distract Grandpa Joe so nothing bad happens. What kind of family life is that?
Sometimes bullying, especially in families, is more covert.
If you call out an adult bully, they reply with incredulity, “I was just asking questions! I can’t believe you took it that way,” putting the blame back on you. And then you start to wonder if you’re the crazy one. Yet even if you turn yourself inside out to try to please the bully, you never will, because bullies thrive on the feeling of instilling fear. Meet one demand and they’ll come up with another.
Maybe it’s time our British, don’t rock the boat culture learned something from the Italians, who say everything. So let’s practice: “You are being inappropriate.” “I won’t sit here and listen if you talk to me like that.” “You are a guest in this home, Mom, so you should treat us with respect.” Or, better still, stand up for someone else. “Dad, you owe Jennifer an apology. You were completely out of line.” And if they start yelling or criticizing you, just repeat it. Then stand up and leave the room. There is no law requiring you to sit in a chair and be insulted.
If more of us just spoke up, bullies would lose their shock and awe power.
And it’s time the rest of us had some shock and awe on our side instead.
For all of you who are staying in jobs where the culture is killing you, but you don’t feel like you can leave because then who would protect the other employees or the clients–I understand. For all of you who are sticking it out with extended family, even though they are toxic, because if you leave, who will care for your nieces or nephews or siblings or grandkids–I understand. For all of you who are staying in toxic churches or toxic schools because what about the kids? I understand. I hear you.
And I know that what you need, more than anything else, is for other people to just speak up. For other people to support you and to say, “this is not right.” In most situations 90% of people will agree with you–but it’s the toxic 10% that are the ones who speak.
So let’s all speak. Let’s all call a spade a spade. Let’s end this, especially within the church, because it is wrong. Jesus would never yell at people, belittle people, or berate people. And it needs to stop.
I have been watching Natalie at Visionary Womanhood go through her year of standing up to adult bullies, and I’ve so appreciated her posts. Here are just a few on deprogramming from Christian lies–which include calling a spade a spade.
Now that I have more time on my hands, I’m going to celebrate these two! I have about 5 months left to plan the wedding. Here’s one of their engagement photos. So proud of you, Rebecca! And so love you, Connor!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
What if the bully is your husband? Has to be his way or no way, which is what he grew up with. Will not consider the Christian way to do things and completely ignores you. He was also a bully in his younger years when I did NOT know him.
I’m so sorry, Heather. That’s so difficult. The best book I’ve seen on that is by Leslie Vernick, who writes a lot on this subject. She’s written the Emotionally Destructive Marriage, and it focuses on what to do if you’re married to someone who does bully you. I can’t recommend that book enough, and I hope it helps you!
Heather, I just popped over here from Sheila’s link on Natalie’s FB page. I just posted this within the past hour – right on the same topic you just asked about – “Recognizig Pervasive, Poisonous Power in Marriage”: http://watchtheshepherd.blogspot.com/2015/03/recognizing-pervasive-poisonous-power.html
I have other links on the blog about abusive tendencies in marriage, not just physical violence.
Natalie has a lot about this dynamic on her blog, too.
Thank you Sheila and Virginia! I read the blog post and need to get the book. The blog post was right on target and what I needed to read.
Glad to hear it, Heather! You might like to read some of the other articles and sites I listed on my Domestic Violence page.
BTW, just saw the typo in my comment above. I do know how to spell “recognizing”!
Hello Heather P. There is hope for dealing with a bully husband. First of all, just being able to say someone is being a bully is a big step. A lot of bullied wives have a hard time admitting they are bullied or abused because they will excuse the behavior somehow in order to stay “positive” or “hopeful” that the bully can change. ESPECIALLY if that bully claims to be a Christian. And after all, there is hope, you tell yourself, but can and will are two different things. It is ALWAYS a choice to behave or speak the way we do. No one should blame their ways on how they were raised. The bully and abuser must recognize when they are doing it, and how can they do that if you hide the truth of the matter in an effort to keep them cool?…. It’s their own hearts they must guard, from crossing lines and destructive attitudes, expectations and behaviors.=It’s everyone’s own responsibility. The bully chooses to be a bully and likewise the bullied chooses how to guard their heart as well and if they will remove themselves from the bully. (I am a Christian woman who used to be married to a man who was a bully and also an abuser who claimed to be a Christian for 12 long years.) The book that God used to help me stand up and become the woman of God that He wants me to be is titled Boundaries: When to say yes, and when to say no, to take control of your life. By Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Thank you for mentioning some of my posts in this article, Sheila! Beautiful picture of your daughter – I’m so happy for you!
This here: “And I know that what you need, more than anything else, is for other people to just speak up. For other people to support you and to say, “this is not right.” In most situations 90% of people will agree with you–but it’s the toxic 10% that are the ones who speak.”
Reminds me of the phenomenon “group think” that takes place over and over again in history. The minority controls the majority through bullying and propaganda. It takes place on a small scale too – right under our noses. We have many opportunities to speak up and defend the weak and powerless. Christians, of all humans, should be the fighters against evil. The risk takers. The courageous. But we get comfy and complacent. Thank you for writing this!
First I don’t understand what you want for website? And about your article and to the comment above. My Dad was a bully. I became a Christian and thought by marrying a Christian I would be free from bullying. I think I finally had to call my husband on his yelling at the kids and I and other bullying tendencies. I had to stick up to the bully. Which to me respect for him is agreeing with him and supporting him but that wasn’t right when he wasn’t treating us well. How do you respect a husband who is a bully is my question? I will get the book you suggested!
“Maybe it’s time our British, don’t rock the boat culture learned something from the Italians, who say everything.”
Hah! So many times I’ve wished I’d grown up in a Mediterranean culture, and not just for the food. Author Deborah Tannen wrote a study on this that begat her later, related book, “You Just Don’t Understand.” In the book she describes the clash that sometimes occurs between people who simply don’t speak the same “language.” Mediterraneans put their emotions out there for the benefit of all; northern Europeans (which make up the bulk of North American culture) tend to hide them.
You know the old expression, “Don’t talk about politics or religion?” That didn’t come from Italy. People in standoffish cultures can’t handle emotional topics while maintaining a facade of impenetrability.
I’m not sure what the remedy for this is, other than to set about personal change.
What if the bullies are your older brother and your grandma? And while everyone gets trampled on, my mom tries to placate them? It’s getting harder to accept, and while my husband is more ready to take a stand, as my little boys get older. …I see that I’m going to need to say something when it is needed. My brother lets out a constant stream of belittling remarks to our 6 younger sibs, and even my parents, whom he lives with. my mom would say we are to be charitable and accept these opportunities to practice patience….
That’s a tough situation! I have never been insulted by a family member, but I have learned something from the many bullying patients I’ve cared for over the years. I do think we need to practice charity and patience, of course — just because they call you a name doesn’t mean you fire one right back. (We all know this, yes — sorry to state the obvious). But I don’t see how allowing someone to continue to sin against you, and against other people, is very loving. Sometimes just looking the obnoxious person straight in the eye and telling them, “You know, the way you just spoke to so-and-so is unnecessary and unkind. That kind of thing is not acceptable anymore,” –sometimes just having someone stand up to them will surprise them into silence, at least for the time being. And if I were being picked on, I would really appreciate someone standing up for me. I know it’s awfully hard when it’s your own family, though. I hope you figure out the best solution for your situation.
Yes, Erin, that’s exactly what I mean!
Foolproofing Your Life by Jan Silvious is AMAZINGLY helpful. You can get it on Amazon.
Great post! I think part of why we need to stand up to the bullies is because we don’t want our kids to see the example that it’s okay to be bullied. How can they stand up to a bully when they see us being bullied?
What I have experienced is that even if you do stand up to the bully, others will side with the bully against you, because they are afraid that they will be the next target.
Thank you for this article.
Yes, and when others side with a bully, they are basically being enablers of this behavior.
I have had to endure dealing with bullies and their abusive behavior in the workplace. Some of these people, actually many of these “bullies”, are very unhappy people. The saying comes to mind that misery loves company. Being miserable, bitter, and hurting they often try to make others around them miserable.
I have a story similar to yours, Sheila. When I was 17, there was a girl at my church who was five years younger. She began telling me of sexual abuse by her father. I was floored at first and thought she might be making up tales … although what she described seemed to be very detailed for a 12-year-old girl (at that time, not by today’s standards). Thing is, her parents were both highly regarded by everyone in that church while my family was not and I was almost afraid to say anything. Factor in that this girl could be passive aggressive and just wasn’t very nice some of the time. I didn’t know what to think. As we grew older, she became cheerleader, seemed happy with a boyfriend, aced her classes and then promptly had a meltdown of gigantic proportions (including suicidal thoughts and actions). Oh, there was talk of demon possession (seriously!) by some of our members while I was wondering if this girl had finally lost it after years of abuse. Time passed, this girl recovered, earned almost perfect SAT scores, got accepted to a great college and promptly ran away from home before graduation where she became caught in a very negative lifestyle for many years. I’ve always felt somewhat responsible yet I truly didn’t know if she was telling the truth those times she confided in me (and yes, there were more than one). Today, I do believe there was abuse going on and wish I had acted differently. One of the reasons I didn’t say anything was because this girl and another girl around the same age told our pastor that they’d been abused by their fathers. In his wisdom (*eyeroll*), the pastor decided that they were both seeking attention and completely dismissed their allegations. Despite that, I still believe I should have come forth to this girl’s defense.
As an adult, I’ve encountered women who were know-it-alls and who would chide others in the group who didn’t conform to their way of thinking. That’s a bully, imo, however, the worst by far, has been my M-I-L! Sounds like a cliché, I know, but it’s not. She was extremely uncomfortable to be around and it got so bad that at one point, my husband almost cut off all contact with her. He and I did try talking with her at various times over the years to no avail. It wasn’t until her husband died five years ago that she was alone and realized even her own children didn’t want to be around her. She finally asked why she wasn’t liked. I think for her, she had to experience the results of her bullying and unkind behavior to realize how bad she was. She’s pretty much a different person now (for which I’m thankful!).
I agree with you that confronting the bullies does take away their power. It has taken me years to get to the point where I’d do just that. As a middle child, I’ve always been the mediator and disliked confrontations, but I do so agree that bullying cannot be allowed to continue.
BTW, great picture of Rebecca and her fiancé. My daughter and her husband will celebrate their first anniversary in May and I still smile when I think of their wedding day. 🙂
Shelia dear, you do SO MUCH to help others. Whatever is bothering you please know that you have the love and support of the saints (and also prayers!) Sending you so much love right now!
You cannot do everything 🙂 . What you can do is ask your readers to open their eyes, pray & act when God brings them into contact with an abusive situation. Abuse can only thrive where people allow it to. Abuse is complex & can’t be fixed by human beings (I know) but its effects can be weakened if victims aren’t further victimised by being ignored.
Bullying & abuse are often well hidden & it’s incredibly difficult & draining to know how to deal with. We all need to open our eyes & speak up but the burden is too great for 1 or 2 people. The more people who speak out & support others, the better but help may be finding the right person to do something rather than intervening personally. People who are less emotionally involved can be better placed to help. I was bullied & abused as a child. I guess as someone who as a child needed an adult to speak up I’m saying please speak up if you have the opportunity but we’re not equipped to carry everyone’s burdens – only Christ can do that. Even counsellors & psychologists have colleagues to debrief with!
Please know that your writing helps so many of us & honours God. The Lord gives each of us tasks & writing is clearly yours. Thank you for doing it so faithfully.
PS great link to ideas for how to deal with all those less dramatic but horrible bullying situations that poison people’s days.
Thank you so much for publishing this blog. It gives me just what I need when we struggle with both sides of our family. Thank you for giving me confidence and hope!
The church doesn’t always address abuse well at all. One pastor I talked to (some 25 years ago – I hope things have improved) clearly regarded anyone who’d been abused as ‘damaged goods’ and assumed some guilt on the part of the child as well as the abuser. Another pastor went to a conference and was horrified to find that some of his colleagues believed that if someone had been abused they could not marry because they ‘belonged’ to the abuser! The second pastor had the courage to have a deacon removed from the church when he became aware that he had abused boys and there was no evidence of repentance.
Bullying and abuse in all their forms are ugly but they can be fought. The look of shocked surprise on a bully’s face when you do confront them is priceless 🙂 . A tiny young woman stood up in the middle of a bus and shouted at a man twice her size to take his hand off another young woman. In shock he did so and left the bus. This was in the UK so the young woman was then told off by other passengers (who had done nothing) for doing something so dangerous… Fortunately she had a friend with her and they got off at the next stop.
This is a great topic because it is somehow so shocking to find yourself bullied as an adult. I was bullied by a supervisor at work, yet felt like I couldn’t leave before I found another job. The people at the top were also bullies so there was nowhere to go. Also, as an adult, it is hard to make the case that horrible comments, passive-aggressive behavior, and telling me I was “not allowed” to contact other departments was bullying. I don’t work there any more, but it was pretty scarring.
My husband’s sister is a bully and we now limit our time with her to the absolute minimum. We see her without the kids when possible and we usually choose a neutral place like a restaurant. When we just can’t avoid her, the kids (teens and adults now) usually have “a friend to meet” in order to leave as soon as it is polite. Attempts to deal with her only led to family members saying, “That’s just how she is. Nobody pays any attention to her.” I decided that my priority was not to “show up and be nice” in family situations–it was to teach my kids that they should not associate with toxic people. I gave them permission to respond to her insults with, “Wow, that was incredibly rude”, or, if they didn’t feel up to that, “You will have to talk to my parents about that.” It took a while to get my husband on board because the family had catered to her bad behavior her whole life. Even now, he tends to get caught up in her drama, but he’s quicker to step back. She’s in crisis right now and it’s going to be ugly, but I will watch from far off.
Teresa, it sounds like you’re a great mom!
I think that’s the issue–people say “just ignore her”, but they don’t realize the tremendous negative impact she has. It’s ridiculous, and it needs to be called out.
My dad is a bully. He has bullied my mom for 40+ years and bullied all of us kids growing up. I am now in my late 30’s and for the last several years I have taken a stand against his bullying. The result is that he wants very little to do with me, my husband or my kids. The only time he has called me is to yell at me for things he has perceived that I have done wrong, things he thinks I should be doing, or because he wants to just frazzle me in general. I tell him that I will not be yelled at and that if he wants to continue the conversation, he needs to speak to me with respect. The first time he continued to yell so I hung up. The second time, he replied by yelling “You started it!” and then hung up on me. He hasn’t called now for a very long time. My mom left to get help for depression and try to regain some sense of confidence with the full intention of mending the marriage. He bullied her enough that she really didn’t get very far with it and returned home. My dad’s bullying has torn this family apart. I have one sibling who sides with him and enables his bullying- we no longer speak either. I know that I can’t fix him, I can only pray.
That is so, so sad, Jenn. Why do people DO that? All I can think of “the wounded wound.”
When I was younger I was bullied by a girl who was 3 years older because I dared to talk to my friend, who happened to be her boyfriend. She threatened to beat me up if I even LOOKED at him. I finally had enough,when he called me to ask why I was mad at him and avoiding him. I told him what was going on. I then went to school the next day and told her if she laid a hand on me, I’d press charges against her (she was 18 and I was 14/15). My friend broke up with her. She was obviously insecure and had what later was exposed as some serious family issues, but it gave her no right.
I now as an adult have no problem standing up for myself and those I see being bullied. I will not put up with it and the Lord I feel has helped me to have confidence to stand up for myself and others. I know my experience just from high school all those years ago, obviously has helped form me into the woman I am, today.
You’re right, Sheila, some adults are big bullies! As to the thoughts you started with though – and this is so much easier for me to say and believe than to practice – perhaps these kiddos aren’t your responsibility anymore? You’ve given them so much love. They know what they mean to you. They’re likely very appreciative, whether they consciously realize it or not. And you’ve shown them ways to be in the world that they apparently didn’t learn from their parents. We don’t have to take full responsibility, all-or-nothing, to make a difference.
I’m reminded of some kiddos I knew who were going through a rough (abusive) time with a parent and I told them they could come to my house any time to get away, even told them where the hidden key was in case I wasn’t home. The older sibling said, “Kendra, you’ve been our safe house plan for years.” So poignant to know that it had been so bothersome that they’d come up with a plan (3rd grade?) and so touched that their plan was to come to my house. I had no idea they even much realized who I was, except a friend of their parents. And, several years later, there are happy endings to this story all around.
My point – give the love that you have to give. They’ll get the gifts they need from it. It is not necessarily your job to protect them or fight their battles. Sometimes it is just your job to be the light, whatever that means. And often it happens in ways we don’t even know. Remember: God is on this and He is much bigger and stronger and better at working out the details than you’ll ever be. And that’s a good thing!
Bless your dear heart, Sheila. All will be well because the Creator of the Universe says it will and I trust Him. I’ll pray for you and the others involved.
That was beautiful, Kendra. Thank you!
I think this is my favorite quote, “I’ve been in social situations when someone has said something so outrageous and mean-spirited that I was temporarily rendered mute, a state which drove me absolutely bonkers as I was lying in bed later that night thinking of all the things I should have said. They eluded me at the time because the situation seemed so bizarre,” because it is SO relatable. I’m not quiet, nor shy, and generally at a loss for words, BUT I’ve been in many of the situations you’ve described, and the comments have been so horrific, that I was ‘rendered mute’. Which like you, drove me nutz! I’m planning a post called, “Finding My Middle”, where I’ll discuss how I used to be TOO opinionated, then became too permissive, and now am trying to find my middle, which is speaking up and speaking out with truth in love. Thank you, as always, for all you do. XOXO -Sherry
This might be too rude, but in case it makes someone smile, here goes: When I was reading the title of your upcoming post, I read it as “Finding my Middle Finger.” And I smiled.
I haven’t even read the article yet, and I have to thank you for writing it. I too was bullied and ostracized from 6th through 8th grade. I don’t have to tell you that, in a tiny PAROCHIAL school, it left a… mark. It seems odd that now I am facing a bully in the workplace. Having those feelings drudged up again, even though I am not accepting or allowing the behavior, it is shocking how close they still are to the surface. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
This is a great post, thank you! I was actually at a women’s Bible study and a couple people said some very rude things about the woman who graciously lets us use her house, and she was sitting right there! I was so socked that, like you said, I didn’t say anything, and then later thought of all the things I could have said. I definitely try to stand up in those types of situations, I just need to be aware that they DO happen, so I’m not taken by surprise when it does and I can stand up for others, or myself! I also know what you mean about trying to help someone but being unable to continue. My husband and I had a young girl in our lives that was headed down the wrong path and we tried to be there for her but we eventually had to let it go because we couldn’t even be around her due to the things she said. She was the one that needed help but was also the one bullying us! We told her we would still be there for her if she needed us but that was it. It was one of the hardest things we ever did but we definitely felt like a weight was lifted afterwords. Thanks again!
Thank you for writing about such an important topic. Being bullied whether you a child or an adult is a hard issue to deal with. Standing up for myself is something I have been asking Jesus and praying about lately. I’ve lost too much sleep worrying about what people think me especially when God is the one I need to be answering to. Thank you for this post and all of your posts! They have helped me so much in the last year I’ve reading.
I have learned that we get to CHOOSE our life, we get to CHOOSE who we are around. As an ADULT you are in control. If someone it toxic in your life…remove yourself from them. It truly is that simple. Been studying Moses this year. and when Korah was on the verge of getting disciplined for bullying what did God instruct Moses to tell every one….MOVE AWAY, move VeRY far away…. I think to myself….put your big girl panties on and realize you have power over your life and you have the choice. I have decided…I am TOO old for this nonsense. Goodbye.
So after reading this, I was reminded how much I’ve been kicking myself the last couple of weeks over a little incident in which someone spoke so out of the ordinary, the whole room was mute. I was at a book signing, and after it was over, some people left while others remained to get their book signed or chat. One of the attendees stormed back inside, announced loudly and angrily to the whole room that whoever was blocking him in the parking lot better move now or he was going to ram into their vehicle. It was so ridiculously rude we all just stopped and stared. I have thought so much since then, “Why did we let him get away with that?” I wanted a do-over in which I courteously, yet firmly, spoke up against that harsh tone and let him know he was being a big ol ‘bully. I suspect the whole room would have applauded at the end of the speech, the one I concocted in my head long after the event.
I don’t know how to shift my reaction quickly enough in the moment from astonished to proactive. I don’t want to pick fights with bullies, but I agree wholeheartedly with the famous statement, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” We have to be willing and ready to stand up, to “learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed” (Isaiah 1:17a). Thanks, Sheila!
And may you have peace in that personal situation you described.
It is ESPECIALLY difficult to stand up to bullies in your home for some reason. I went through it for 26 years. It is such a shame and has left me quite broken. But, I have the Lord and a wonderful husband who help me each and every day and I am better than I was when I left. Now if only I can answer the bully without giving them a taste of their own medicine and just be Christian towards them, that would be the key. It’s so hard to be nice though when you finally get a back bone to stand up to them. But, I do know that trying to give them a taste of what they do or try to get them to ‘see’ how they act doesn’t work, they think everyone else has the problem but them. It’s a frustrating situation to deal with.
This is very timely for me as I had someone say something very unexpected and discouraging yesterday to me. She said it as she walked away so I didn’t have a chance to respond but now I face a decision. Should I choose to respond when I see her again?
I wholeheartedly agree that bullies (toxic people) sometimes need to be confronted, in love. I think it’s very important to point out, though, that that approach sometimes results in the end of that relationship. After years of bullying, I confronted the bully, and made it clear that I did not appreciate the controlling, demanding treatment and insisted that it stop. Sometimes the bully is so full of his or her feeling of self importance, that the unwritten rule is “You cross me; we’re done”. It’s been 10 years since the bully ended our relationship. I miss the bully terribly, but I do not miss the abuse and the blanket of belittlement I lived under.
Yes, that’s the really sad part of standing up in Truth. We do risk losing the relationship. So sad.
This was so timely for me this week. It’s exactly what I have been praying about regarding two people with similar personalities and how I am to handle their bullying and yet love them at the same time. Thank you so much!
“And you’re being bullied if someone is constantly making helpful “suggestions” and laying guilt trips if you don’t take them.”
So let me ask you this. There is a christan men’s conference – Iron Sharpens Iron. Our churh is promoting it. Every week the pastor gets up and says “all men should want to go and all men need to go”. He has wives raise the hands if they want their husbands to go – as their husbands stand right next to them. He even says to “lay the guilt on your husband” to get him to go.
I don’t want to go. I went last year and didn’t enjoy it. Am being bullied? I feel like I am.
Yes, you probably are. It’s fine for the pastor to say it; it’s inappropriate to ask wives to raise their hands. That’s asking wives to publicly criticize their husbands, and that’s a problem.
Firstly thank you for having the courage to keep it real and keep it biblical. May the Lord bless you and your family. I hope you realise how valuable your writing is.
As a University lecturer I have seen students and colleagues dealing with bullying in both personal and professional relationships, from so-called minor offences (which can still cause lasting damage) to criminal behaviour. Bullies test the water to see what they can get away with so it’s worth dealing with so-called small issues. ‘It’s just him / her’ or ‘Don’t make a fuss’ allow the behaviour to continue and may even foster it. Bullies all have to start somewhere so we need to deal with their behaviour in its early stages rather than waiting for it to become ‘serious’ (most bullying is in private so by the time people actually see something it’s often far worse than it appears). You don’t wait for cancer to spread before treating it.
I’ve found some simple things worked for my students, when I had to deal with the odd misogynistic colleague and when confronting a seriously abusive bully (who sadly ran a house church):
picking our battles (or we’ll become exhausted)
planning responses (so that we may regain some control, be effective and not take unnecessary risks)
remaining as calm and unemotional as possible (fear, distress and even anger may feed the bully’s sense of power)
being specific in what we say eg ‘Please don’t speak to / treat people that way. It makes for a horrible working environment’
keeping it impersonal: ‘Students / colleagues are uncomfortable when you stand so close to them / lean over them as they work / at the way in which you speak to them when you criticise them.’ In a family context it’s easier to challenge someone for their behaviour to another person eg ‘Why did you speak to X like that?’ ‘Why do you think it’s ok to do that?’, ‘Why did you assault him / her?’ than it is to say ‘Why did you do that to me?’
managing the physical space – taking a step back from someone taller to enable more equal eye contact, never allowing the bully to block the exit
even a smile for lesser problems (Oscar Wilde commented that a smile is a civilised snarl) – ‘Gee, you really don’t like women do you? / We’re not in the 18th century now; shall we get back to work?’
The bigger the bully the tougher one has to be but it still helps to plan, to stay calm and to leave as soon as possible!
I love what you’re saying about dealing with the more minor issues. So true, and a great thing to hear! Thanks for your helpful comment.
Just found Samantha Reed’s ‘How Are you Really?’ blog post & it’s great for those who are being bullied or those who are trying to help:
Extract from Samantha Reed, http://www.christianity.com/devotionals/encouragement-for-today-proverbs-31/encouragement-for-today-september-18-2012.html:
And so I selfishly checked out in the name of self-preservation; retreated into myself, away from their words weighted with pain and trouble and questions. Distanced my being from all words.
Until the Word beckoned me with cupped hands large enough to hold my weary soul, and my friend’s worn circumstances, and the thin world.
I poured into the Word, a measureless basin in which my words rested. He asked four words my soul thirsted for, “How are you, really?”
I’m weary. “I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10b (NIV)
I feel alone. “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20b (NIV)
I’m tired. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28b (NIV)
I poured out, He poured in. An ebb and flow more natural than the ocean’s tides. My soul needed His words; needed Him: the Word.
Community is God-given. But friend’s and family’s ability to be leaned on will ebb and flow. Hence our soul’s deepest need: friendship with the Lord. {Inhale deeply that delight: we’re friends with God.} Friends with the unchanging nature of the Word, Jesus.
The full post can be read here: http://www.christianity.com/devotionals/encouragement-for-today-proverbs-31/encouragement-for-today-september-18-2012.html
I deal with bullying every day, either from my father, my brother, or both. It is really hard to live with, especially when you are literally stuck, can’t go anywhere, and it literally happens everyday. It’s hard to live with when my brother doesn’t see it as bullying or abuse, just (being human). I WISH that I could do some of the things in this article, but apparently Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” doesn’t apply to my father. Because every time we try to reply in a Christian way he just gets more angry and more abusive. It’s really hard being trapped.
Thank you for this article, Shelia! As I was reading it, I could not get my mind off of my father-in-law. He is definitely an adult bully and has been for many years. He is actually my husband’s step-father, and ever since he came into my husband’s life, he has verbally abused and bullied my husband and his two siblings. The problem is that they were all so scared of him when they were growing up that the entire family does not dare say something against him while he is in a bullying state. In their minds, it’s easier to take it and be quiet than to speak up. I don’t see it that way (I’ve always been quick to confront those who bully.) but my husband has basically forbade me from speaking up against his step-father. He even has told me that he doesn’t believe that verbal abuse is real and that it was invented by those with “worldly thinking.” If I came right out and said that his step-father was a bully, he would very likely get upset and say that it was also worldly thinking. How can I help my husband understand how wrong that is and the importance of standing up to his step-father?
Sheila, I just wrote a post related to this – “Recognizing Pervasive, Poisonous Power in Marriage” at http://watchtheshepherd.blogspot.com/2015/03/recognizing-pervasive-poisonous-power.html
I started with a quote from The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It’s about Power Over versus Personal Power. I do think that much of adult bullying comes from control issues.
Virginia
I’m bullied
i’m an adult my husband doesnot believe me which makes us worth he tells me i’m very beautiful
and the neighbors have said to my face i look like an owl and bear and panda and ape.
It is horrible
and worse is i have a band and people are disliking my songs which are very very great
and listening to those rumors and bad talk about me
people who have never seen me
and worse is my album is removed
from sites
and even replaced by other music project by my husband
Anyhow i’m making a song
called Bully me
I want to give all the people bullied in the world
my voice
my voice and my voice
i’m born in this world
to give something
even if some have chosen to see me hideous
let them see me this way
it is my voice that matters
My husband’s opinion matters most to me
But with music i want to help bullied people
love to you
lets fight them
Thank You so much for this article……will be adding your ministry & family to my prayer journal…..bullying is the worst….it can destroy families, churches & minstries…..Thank God I have loving , courageous, praying husband………for us the bulleying has torn our family apart……. 3 daughters- in law who eventually removed our sons & grandchildren from having contact with us…one son is back in relationship with us & we have met & spent time with his boy & been able to support him during a custdy trial……..he was awarded 45% custody……after his wife locked him out of their house, divorced him……our estrangement from him was 11 1/2 years ……God answers prayer…..another son has informed us 1 month ago he is separated from his wife…here we again…….we have endure bullying from my 4 siblings during my parents illnesses, deaths, memorial services & inheritance dealins….end result …broken relationships….my siblings were raise in a Christian home but are not believers….still praying for restoration…..then there is church dealings…..bullying pastors, boards & minstry leaders…….loss of position in a women’s minstry because I was team & mentoring….opposed to what one women wanted….1 leader the rest helpers….a few pastors because of their lack of integerity & our addressing their moral failures, loss for my husband of ministry school he had started, ….pastor took over then quickly destroyed…..evean told by one pastor church was ” not a safe place for us”…….we no longer attend church….we do attend some small conferences, & listen to teaching,tapes, & have wonderful private time with our Lord…..attending church is to difficult & grievous although the fellowship would be great……God has been faithfu to heal ou broken hearts…….I know that by no means we are the only one….we actually know others with similar church experiences…..it SAD………I refuse to bebitter & and will continue to do my part to further the kingdom of God…one dåy at a time ….Be Blessed in Jesus name….praying for you & yours….
The bullies that got away with it in junior high, grow up to bully in parent groups, churches, law, families, hospitals, and schools. How do we teach our children to recognize bullying and disarm bullies? So very often, adult bullies have authority, position, or power to make one’s life miserable if they are crossed!
What if the bully is a sociopath? My sister’s husband started out the nicest guy in many ways. Now, whenever we are around my sister’s family there is at least one episode where he subtly or overtly makes us feel like we are doing something bad or stupid. When I watched him scold my parents for something they couldn’t help and then walk out of the room saying “I don’t know why I bother” and never admitting he was wrong when it was made apparent I felt something needed to be done. But my parent’s told me they tried and he only gets worse when confronted. And I know you can’t really change a sociopath. My sister lets it happen, doesn’t want to rock the boat and said she will not leave him. My parent’s want to be able to see their grandchildren so they put up with it. I hate to see him treat my parents and me this way, and often my wife and nephews this way.
That’s a really tough one, especially if your parents want to keep their relationship with their grandchildren. I understand that. But it also likely sounds as if your sister and your nieces/nephews are in an abusive situation. I think it’s important to speak up at times and let your sister know that you see it, and acknowledge it out loud. And tell your sister that you’re always there for her. I do have another article on what to do when your sister is being abused, too, and I hope that helps.
Thank you. As always your wisdom is very eye opening and helpful. And though some of what I read in the article you linked to was hard to take in, it seems to be good advice as well.