Should sex involve intercourse?
Every Monday I like to post a question from a reader and take a stab at answering it. Today’s is a thorny issue: what if your husband wants things OTHER than intercourse all the time?
Reader Question
My husband often prefers us to finish individually, without intercourse. He thoroughly enjoys giving and receiving. I told him about that denying the spiritual connection and he said that it is completely the same for him however it happens. He feels totally connected to me whether we have sex or not. It doesn’t feel as intimate to me and I would prefer it not be 50/50. Should I be feeling this connection without sex as well?
My second question I’m embarrassed to ask. Often my husband wants me to do things I don’t care for. It’s not painful, or degrading, I just don’t like it and it feels awkward. It is definitely something that only makes him feel good. This is how he wants to finish more than half the time. I feel like I am being selfish in not wanting to give my husband what makes him feel good and enjoy my body, however, I don’t enjoy it at all. He’s so happy and appreciative afterward that I don’t want to deprive him of something he wants or make him feel guilty for wanting something he can’t ask for. I’m afraid of continuing it and losing all the progress I have made because I’ll start to resent “sexy time” knowing there’s a good chance he will ask and it will become a chore I try to distract myself from. I don’t want to be selfish, my husband has been so supportive and loving through all the rejection and crying over the last 2 years, I’m just not sure if I can ever enjoy it. Should I keep trying to make my husband happy?
Wow! Tough issues.
Let’s try to deal with some of them individually.
Intercourse is Uniquely Intimate
When you have intercourse (forgive me for using the technical term in this post instead of ‘making love’, but I want to be really technical here so everyone knows what I’m talking about), you’re both receiving stimulation and pleasure from the same act. You are both experiencing something at the same time. That’s part of what makes it so intimate. When you are just stimulating each other in other ways (orally or manually, for instance), you may do so simultaneously, but you aren’t actually experiencing it together. You’re both experiencing two different actions.
There’s also something else about intercourse: the man actually ENTERS the woman. That makes it highly intimate, too. You’re actually joined. There’s a vulnerability there that isn’t present in the same way with other acts (other acts may be physically vulnerable, but it really isn’t the same thing). With intercourse we’re almost laid bare physically and emotionally.
If someone is running away from intercourse then they’re also running away from intimacy, and likely don’t even understand what I’m talking about.
Is there a Place for Other Sexual Acts?
Absolutely! They can be great for foreplay (and are often necessary to get a woman aroused enough to feel pleasure from intercourse). Also, as I’ve talked about before, there are ways to be really intimate there if health problems make intercourse impossible or difficult.
However, barring these health issues, if someone prefers other sexual acts to intercourse, then it’s almost like they’re saying (and forgive me for being graphic), “let me use your body to masturbate with.” They want a type of sexual release where they’re focusing ONLY on what they’re feeling, not on how the other person feels, and it’s a very self-centered act when it’s used on its own.
Oral sex or mutual masturbation are great for foreplay or occasional fun and can ENHANCE intercourse; they should never completely REPLACE it.
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Why Would Someone Not Want Intercourse?
Essentially her husband is saying, “I prefer my sexual experiences to be focused on myself rather than on us together.” He may not consciously think that or say that, but that is what his actions are showing. So why would someone get to this point?
Someone who has been really involved with masturbation growing up rewires sexual arousal and response so that it’s a solo-based thing, not focused on relationship. And let’s face it–the feeling is often much more intense through oral or manual stimulation. Intercourse is great, but it often takes longer and you have to concentrate on another person. When you’re used to sex being about nothing more than thinking about yourself, then that can seem like a huge hassle. Who would want to do that?
This also represents a stunted sexual maturation, where someone is literally “stuck” or fixated on early teen sexual development. It’s like they never matured. There could be psychological reasons for this if it’s really an ingrained thing from some sort of brokenness or abuse in their past, but more likely it’s due to a masturbation habit that formed right when the sexual feelings did, and they never grew beyond that.
Could There Be Other Things Going On?
Absolutely, and here are just a few to look out for:
He could have sexual dysfunction
Perhaps in the past he’s tried intercourse and it hasn’t worked very well, or he’s become really nervous that it won’t work. So he’d rather try something that doesn’t require work or potential performance issues.
I’ve written a series on sexual dysfunction here.
He could have a porn addiction
One of the main effects of porn is that it makes intercourse far less intimate and far less desirable. Because most arousal is now dependent on these images in your head, people prefer sex that doesn’t require thought and allows them to have these images pass through their head. Intercourse can be a distraction.
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He could have abuse issues in his past
Has he been abused in some way that has made him fear sex or fear his sexuality or sexual orientation? That’s another thing that needs to be considered.
So What Do I Do if My Husband Avoids Intercourse?
Unfortunately there isn’t a magic wand you can wave. The only thing you can do is talk openly. Talk about some of the points I’ve already raised–that intercourse is intimate because it’s both of you experiencing something together. It requires concentrating on each other, not just being self-focused. It feels wonderful. And it should not be avoided.
And then I’d say something like this: I’m not saying that we won’t do other things. What I am saying is that I no longer want to finish that way. I would like us to experience something together.
If you need a roadmap to follow, 31 Days to Great Sex is a wonderful one. It helps you work through building intimacy towards intercourse slowly, and helps you learn to enjoy each other’s bodies in the context of a really intimate relationship. And it’s a lot of fun! If you want a way to address this but you’re not sure how to have a “big” conversation about it, this book may help you have that conversation in dribs and drabs over the course of the month so that you start to understand better how each other thinks about sex and what sex was supposed to be. I really recommend giving it a try!
Work on Intimacy
It does sound your husband is stunted at an immature stage of sexual development. So what do you do to help him play “catch up” or to understand what sex should be? Work on intimacy in other ways. Take baths naked together. Pray with your husband. Work on your friendship and spend time together. Do a lot of massage where you touch each other and talk to each other.
And understand that it may take time for him to start appreciating intercourse when he’s used to other things. It won’t be instantaneous, and you need to leave him time for growth. But if you work on feeling intimate in other ways, often the libido for intimacy during sex does return.
What About the Sexual Acts He Wants Me to Do that I Don’t Like?
You can always compromise–say that one night a month is “his” night where you get to do whatever he wants, and then one night a month is your night where you do whatever you want.
But these are “special” nights, and they don’t replace your normal sex life together. If he says, “fine, I don’t want anything except my night” then you do have a problem.
Where To Go If He Still Refuses Intercourse
If he won’t agree to have intercourse, won’t talk about it, and thinks that you’re wrong, then it may be time to bring in a counselor and ask him to go see one with you. He does have issues that are harming his ability to be intimate with you, and if he can’t be intimate with his wife, it’s also very likely that he can’t really be intimate with God. When we hide from intimacy sexually we’re also usually hiding spiritually, too. This isn’t good for him, and to enable him to go on like this does him no favours. Sometimes you have to draw a huge line in the sand and say, “I love you too much to let you keep going down this road.”
I hope that helps. I get this question quite often, so many women are dealing with it, and you’re not alone. Let me know in the comments if you’ve ever dealt with this, or if you’ve found other things that help your husband understand real intimacy.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
If he is avoiding intercourse then he is selfish. Then its all about him and his needs. I think you should put a stop to servicing him and tell him that if that’s all you are to him then he can take care of his own needs. I can also take it a step further by saying that he is sinning against you and God by denying you intercourse.
Very blunt–and very true!
Thanks Mrs Sheila. Sometimes you have to tell it like it is.
Good answers Shelia. I think you are getting these questions more often because the penetration of porn in our society. As you stated in one of your potential diagnoses, men are very prone to having visual images be paramount in their sexual experience. God intended us men to be visually oriented so we can be aroused quicker and thus arouse our wives. That quality, however, is used and abused in multitudes of ways. Because the Internet provides a diabolically successful channel for porn, it has vastly penetrated the mind share of men (and women) and made us more likely to desire the *visual* imagery of non intercourse such as oral sex. As you stated, these acts have to be used to enhance intercourse and not replace it. When sex becomes about providing exciting visual images first and foremost, a person’s primary interest may deviate from intercourse.
Roger, the thought crossed my mind on this article that the guy might actually be addicted to porn where visual images are replacing the sexual act of intercourse.
Yes, it’s interesting but “real intercourse” doesn’t photograph or film well, and so porn tends to focus on other images. Then those acts become more desired. It is just so, so sad.
This is a thought I kept having as I read. She doesn’t say how old they are… Could they not be on the same page and he is possibly afraid that intercourse will lead to pregnancy and a family?
Sheila you says “Intercourse is Uniquely Intimate” and ” you may do so simultaneously, but you aren’t actually experiencing it together. You’re both experiencing two different actions”. and “the man actually ENTERS the woman”
I’m sorry to say but I Think you’re wrong here.
Don’t get me wrong I definately think penile/vaginal intercourse (other acts are considered intercourse to), is a big part of sex, and it is the only way to experience the miracle of Life.
But I don’t agree it has to be more intimate, or create more intimacy than other acts. A penile/vaginal intercourse could be far less intimate than an oralintercourse. And purely technical YOU DO BECOME ONE oteher ways to.
Once again I’m not for a marriage without penile/vaginal intercourse, I’m FOR IT! but in my experience. WHat creates intimacy is being naked and accepted and able to enjoy one Another just as You are.
A penile/vaginal intercourse with a condom or without the intension of giving ALL of you, can be very unintimate, and on the other hand manual stimulation, really giving and receiving pleasure to someone you given your heart to could be one of the most intimate things there is.
I feel that as intimacy grows from low levels to a zenith, so does the sexual acts gravitate till Penile/Vaginal intercourse. I do agree agree that intercourse is the zenith and the end of intimacy. This naturally means that your intimacy leaves much to be desired is it stops short of intercourse. We must move beyond the forecourt into the Holy of Holies, that’s the reason the cloth covering was torn in two.
The girl Writing the quistion says “My husband often prefers us to finish individually, without intercourse. He thoroughly enjoys giving and receiving”
I can’t see her husband is refusing intercourse and I can’t see that he is only thining of his own pleasure.
Still most of the repsonses talks about him only thining of himself, and not wanting intercourse.
Am I missing something???
I would agree with Another Thought above: There may be concern about getting pregnant. I know that, when we’re seeking to avoid pregnancy, foregoing intercourse is one of the options we sometimes choose. I think you’ve offered some good thoughts, but biblically, can you defend the position that couples should only have intercourse-inclusive sex (excluding health requirements)?
I don’t think Sheila is saying you have to have intercourse every time you have sex, but that you shouldn’t exclude intercourse from your marriage altogether. I think it’s fine for some encounters to not include intercourse and instead be about pleasuring one or both spouses in other ways. But that shouldn’t be the norm, and most certainly should not be the primary or only means of finishing. The problem isn’t a sex session without intercourse, but a marriage without intercourse.
There was mention of tears over the past 2 years in the question… My husband and I have suffered through 4 miscarriage in the past few years and it has been heart breaking. There are times I can’t help crying after he finishes because I’m scared of having another miscarriage. I try hard not to, but my husband knows it’s difficult for me. I could see something like that causing a couple to avoid intercourse. I know it’s not healthy, just a thought.
What do you do when he wants nothing but intercourse. ….the same old intercourse every single time. No foreplay, no manual, no oral. Just intercourse (which I almost never orgasm from).
I’m going with another thought as well. My husband is terrified of another pregnancy, mostly because of financial reasons. We already have 4 children, and 2 pregnancies while using the pill and an IUD, they resulted in miscarriages. So he doesn’t really trust anything. For about 1 week a month, when it possible to get pregnant he avoids true intercourse.
Hi everybody! Great comments! I know what some of you are saying about pregnancy/birth control, and I agree that for many this is an issue, but that’s not the impression I got from this letter because the issue, to her, is one of intimacy, and he says that he doesn’t need intercourse for intimacy. So the issue, it seems to me, is that he can’t finish with intercourse and doesn’t think that intercourse is important. I think if pregnancy were the issue the woman would be writing differently.
I also shortened the letter a bit, so I probably got more of a definite vibe in one direction than perhaps is apparent here! One of the dangers of having to shorten things for the internet!
It is distressing to me to so frequently see a connection made between “other sex acts” and porn in these types of discussions. I think the context of the act is very important. We agree that oral sex ought not become a substitute for intercourse in a marriage. That said, oral sex can supplement intercourse and enhance intimacy. As others have been blunt or direct, let me be so here. Regardless of which spouse is giving and which is receiving, a desire to receive and/or to perform oral sex is not by default motivated by selfishness. Many Christian wives have found giving oral sex to their husband to be a beautiful and loving act. Mutual vulnerability and shared trust and acceptance are involved. Look beyond porn, be objective, and view this in the context of a loving marriage where the spouses both love and respect each other.
Larry, I absolutely agree and I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. But as I said–it should be, in the broader scheme of things, to enhance not replace, and when it’s starting to replace, there is a usually a broader issue going on.
Perhaps this problem can be characterized by a metaphor.
This “together but solo” sex described in the letter is much like dancing has been since the ’60s: acrobatic, exhibitionistic, voyeuristic, and separate. Whereas, real dancing is of the ballroom or C&W variety: each has to submit to the other for it to work.
And when it works, it achieves a beauty that cannot be managed alone. That’s the unity. That’s the goal.
Everything else is second-rate.
That’s a neat analogy, Michael! Thank you.
Well said . As a fairly recently married man, I believe marriage is also a dance of submission, LOVE and mind…or Will’s, meaning, while my intent may be good, she may be able to …temper my way of doing something, so I don’t hurt someone.😊
Very tough question from the reader. You don’t know the husband’s side of things either. He could have hangups that are not known to us that are trying to diagnose. Maybe he has never thought of choosing to “finish up” with other sex acts instead of intercourse as being a problem. If he feels that he is satisfying his wife, he may not think it matters as to how he is satisfied. I think you have given wise council to anyone in this place, but who knows what else is going on there. Hope it will be a starting point for them.
Well, everyone’s different, it seems. In addition to intercourse, my wife and I BOTH enjoy oral and manual stimulation, given to each other and enjoyed by both equally. Often it’s not clear who’s enjoying it more – the giver or the receiver – we just love having sex together, all kinds (but nothing weird – no anal, S&M, B&D, porn, etc – yuck!). Plus, during the week when she’s most likely to be fertile, and the 4-5 days of her period, we can enjoy sex just as much (although we both always look forward to intercourse at the end of these two times).
I completely agree. Oral stimulation can be enjoyable for both parties. And it is VERY vulnerable for someone else to be in your mouth. . .for them and for you. I agree with Sheila that it isn’t quite as intimate as intercourse. There is just something special that only intercourse can provide and I can’t even put words to it.
Robert, I agree. Sheila, I like your perspective on this issue. IMO what I’ve found in my sexual relationship with my wife- as her husband, lover, friend, the most pleasuring thing about sex is seeing her through, and completely satisfiying her inner most desires. Nothing satisfies me more than to experience this with my wife. This guy defenitly has an issue or I would venture to say he’s into porn.
Great points, Sheila! I think it’s very selfish and degrading for a man to want to do anything but intercourse barring health issues. And like you said, it could point to a deeper problem like a porn addiction. Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
“When you have intercourse………you’re both receiving stimulation and pleasure from the same act.”
I don’t quite understand what is meant by the statement that both the husband and wife receive stimulation during intercourse. Pleasure, yes, but a wife receiving stimulation from it?
Ellie, My wife is not able to orgasm without intercourse 99 percent of the time so I would say she receive stimulation from intercourse. If you are not receiving stimulation from intercourse then your guy must be doing something wrong or there may be some kind of medical issue. Having said that, foreplay is just as important. Many times my wife just want to rush past the foreplay and do intercourse but I rather take my time with her. But she has so many medical issues with her back and nerves that she can’t lay down for long or move around too much so normally its a quickie that will happen. Not that I would not mind but I rather the longer love making sessions. Not just “wham bam thank you mam”.
Another option? Sorry to state the obvious, but if he particularly doesn’t like vaginal intercourse, maybe he isn’t interested in having sex with women. Either way, talking about it is the only way to move forward. No partner should do things the other partner is miserable with.
Matt B., that is very interesting. I still cannot imagine that being possible. (I am in no way saying that it’s not, I just can’t imagine it.) I have never had a problem having an orgasm, but it’s never been during intercourse. In fact, intercourse is still painful for me although we’ve been married for over two years. I still enjoy it immensely, but it’s definitely painful, even with him barely going in. I’ve been to the doctor for the issue, but she said that things looked fine and suggested things that we had already tried multiple times. I’m very glad to hear that others can achieve it, though.
Sheila, and other sex/marriage bloggers, have given statistics that a fair percentage of women do not orgasm during intercourse. There are ,any reasons, but it is pretty common.
Ellie, pick up a copy of the book Unveiled Wife by Jennifer Smith. Life changing info anout painful intercourse in there.
Yes, she really did have some great insights, too, about the effects of chemicals on how our bodies work. So interesting! You can find Unveiled Wife (the book) here.
One thing that I didn’t know in the beginning is that your body PH can affect the way that intercourse feels. For me it used to really sting every time my husband was in me, no matter what kind of lubricant we used (or non at all). I had to go on a special diet for different health reasons and cut out wheat and dairy, and the stinging went away.
Pregnancy can affect body PH as well, which can make sex uncomfortable. Coconut oil has been a good, natural lubricant alternative during pregnancy for us.
Yes, I’ve known other women who have said the same thing–that it was almost like they were “allergic” to their husbands, when it really was a pH problem!
My wife likes to orgasm “only” when we’re having intercourse.different strokes for different folks. I think the key thing for the man is to find ways to stimulate her clitoris while having intercourse. Position is key. foreplay is a lubricator. To many men become self focused when having sex. To many men think about “pounding” when having sex. Grinding works better! Sorry guys, but I know how we guys think. Lol
Wow, I’m a little flabbergasted by this post. I wouldn’t have expected you to take Freud’s view on sex so I’m having difficulty weighing your thoughts and understanding them. Please know that I AM trying to understand and process them. I am NOT arguing or condemning or judging.
That said, I’m curious why you feel this way about intercourse – is it conception-related, a Biblical reason, or something else? Does this imply that women who do not orgasm through intercourse (although they may orgasm when stimulated in other ways) are sexually immature as well, or does that just apply to men?
As far as some acts being more intimate than others, I suspect it depends on the situation. {Looking into someone’s eyes can be extremely intimate or just an interaction with a fellow human being at the grocery store.} It’s certainly possible for a man to orgasm into a woman and that not be an act of intimacy. Likewise, it’s possible for a woman to cause a man to orgasm outside of intercourse and it could be extremely intimate or not at all.
Maybe my defenses are just up {who’s Freudian now?! ;-)} but I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around this one. Any thoughts you could share to help me understand would be greatly appreciated. Thanks much for dealing with these sticky issues! 😉
I add to the chorus of ‘thank you’ for addressing these all too common issues.
There is a plausible alternate view of the issue posed in the post. The excerpt shared ends with an allusion to “rejection”. If a husband experiences sexual refusal, he may resort to frequent masturbation (not always with pornographic media). However, the masturbation can desensitize him to genital intercourse as he becomes physiologically and mentally accustomed to a certain process for addressing arousal and achieving orgasm.
While we can seek to assign blame or diagnose the husband as being “the issue”, perhaps each spouse has to accept accountability for the current situation and acknowledge both the impact of past actions on the current situation as well as agree to a course to improve things going forward.
In other words, IF the wife did not avail herself to genital intercourse much in the first couple of years, she may have to admit her part in her husband’s struggle to now appreciate the value of such intercourse. This is not to blame her but to enable a clearer understanding of the issue and the best path to resolution. His pain would be no less real or valid than hers.
I honestly don’t understand what the big deal is here. If a husband and wife love each other, does it really matter how they satisfy each other? I think the main issue here is this wife’s unhappiness, not the husband’s preferences. I don’t find preferring other acts to intercourse strange, and I don’t think it necessarily means that the husband is into porn. However. since they each have different sexual preferences, they need to reach some sort of compromise.
I honestly feel that the main issue here is the wife’s unhappiness, not whether or not her husband wants intercourse. I don’t see an issue if someone prefers other acts of love over penetration. I dont feel it means that they are selfish or into porn. However, if his wife is not satisfied they need to be open, communicate, and work something out so each partner can be happy.
I think intercourse can make you feel much more like your body is being used. I mean, someone is rubbing themself inside of you to stimulate himself. And to me intercourse has hardly ever been enjoyable,just something for him so he can finish…its hard if you have experienced abuse,it just seems impossible to see it as something good.
So question, what if the husband has PE? One of my friends desperately wants to learn how to have intercourse but he doesn’t last long enough for them to do that. Last week she counted to thirteen from the time he entered her to the time he finished. THIRTEEN. He is pretty generous in then pleasuring her, but she is desperate for a MUTUAL experience instead of taking turns. How does she kindly let him know how deeply unsatisfied she is with their sex life? She has no idea if there are other issues (like above) behind this; they don’t talk about sex. I just can’t relate; my hubby and I have better communication about sex than any other area of our marriage. 😉
It’s strange; my very closest friend’s husband has PE too. What’s up with that. His is from past porn use and masturbation problems, which he is doing really well with (as far as she knows anyway), but their sex life is also just taking turns. She doesn’t seem to have a problem with it, but I guess it makes me sad for her. I agree with this post that there is just something more intimate about intercourse and that those other acts should add to it, not replace it or be limited to taking turns. :-/
In any case, I’m just really thankful that I can’t relate. The other stuff just doesn’t compare!
Wow, that is tough! I do have a post on premature ejaculation that may help, but none of that is going to do any good if they can’t talk about it. People have told me that that’s the real benefit of 31 Days to Great Sex: It helps them talk about something that’s been awkward in the past because it “forces” you to have those conversations, so maybe that’s a good route to go. I do talk a little bit about sexual dysfunction and recovery from porn there, too. So tough!
So, it seems like a lot of people are focused on whether or not certain sex acts are intimate or not inherently. I feel like when it comes down to brass tax, if a wife tells her husband that she doesn’t feel emotionally of spiritually intimate during sex because they aren’t regularly having vaginal intercourse, then he isn’t fulfilling his end of the bargain. Part of her sexual experience SHOULD be emotional and spiritual intimacy so he should really care that she isn’t experiencing that. Whether an act is inherently intimate or not, for HER it isn’t hitting the mark and he should take that into account. Personally, I wholeheartedly agree that it is more inherently more intimate but even if that weren’t universally true, it is clearly specifically true for the person writing in.
Husband has told me my vagina is crooked. (And I do have a retroverted uterus. Maybe they’re related?) So he prefers oral. Perhaps this is a factor for other couples?
What do you do when you’re dating a guy who says he’s a virgin and ‘plans’ to remain so till marriage but one of the first discussions he had with you is that he likes oral sex. Just wondering if there’s anything to be worried about in there. Just asking?
Yeah, that’s worrying. Too many people think that they can do “everything up until sex”, and then they miss the whole point of what God is saying. Sexual involvement is sexual involvement, even if it doesn’t include intercourse.
I’d just have a talk with him about it. I know a REALLY GOOD Christian guy who honestly thought this until a few months before he was married. He thought he could do just about anything and that’s okay with God–as long as he didn’t have sex. So it might honestly be a misunderstanding.
I’d put it this way: Affection is great. Doing something which specifically encourages arousal–not so great. 🙂
My husband and I mostly have mutual masturbation and oral sex. That didn’t use to be the case. He isn’t against having intercourse but most of the time when we do it it’s not very good and neither of us have the physical stamina to be on too long enough to for him to orgasm. When we try other sexual positions they never seem to work and are awkward. I feel we spend more time trying to find a position that works than anything else. Sex use to be passionate and automatic and know it just takes to much thought about logistics taking the romance and passion away. We have been married 8 years and have 2 kids.