It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! Today Jennifer Ferguson, author of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart, joins us to talk about regaining intimacy and rebuilding trust after her husband’s porn addiction.
I did it was because I was afraid of losing him. I needed to remind him I was still there, still valuable, still able to please and satisfy him. Perhaps I needed a way to remind myself: I am still his wife. Don’t give up. Keep trying.
Each time I caught my husband, Craig, looking at porn, I would go through the same emotional cycle. At first, I would explode, wrath drenching us both, the slime of sin and shame dripping from our mouths and our hearts. Then, I would see his contrite heart, the doubting of himself and my love for him. My anger would recede and I’d try to show him the best way I knew how that I was willing to move on and try to forgive. And I’d offer myself to him on the bed.
But my offering was tainted. Sex is supposed to be a reminder of those wedding vows, the ones you took to love, honor, and cherish. This gift I was giving him wasn’t wrapped in intimacy and devotion. It was wrapped in fear and doubt.
- I don’t want you to forget about me.
- I’m trying to be everything you need.
- I need you to tell me you think I’m enough.
- I need you to tell me I’m more than porn.
It took a long path of healing for Craig and I to regain intimacy, emotionally and physically, with each other. Intimacy requires a level of trust and even though I could trust Craig with my body, I couldn’t trust him with my heart, the very place from which intimacy arises.
Not every partner has the same reaction to his/her spouse’s porn addiction. Some people are like me – they withdraw emotionally, but not physically. Some spouses withdraw physically, but are still able to give emotionally. And some are able to give nothing at all as porn wreaks havoc.
How do we regain intimacy with our partners when we are unsure if we can trust them? How do we give the gift of ourselves, physically and emotionally, when the act of betrayal could be just a few short steps away to another room? How do we give of ourselves if we are unsure if what we are giving will be received without comparison to something we know to which we can never measure up?
The truth is, this wasn’t something I could do on my own. I was too broken. My own baggage of self-worth and competition was too heavy and the anger I repressed because of my fear was always threatening to erupt. None of this was conducive to rebuilding intimacy. Also, part of the reason Craig turned to porn was because he felt inadequately prepared to address his own needs in relationships. He needed to learn how to communicate and press in instead of hiding and running away. We needed Jesus to show us how to let go and let each other in.
Here are some of the practical ways we started the rebuilding process that might work for you, too.
1. Remember when you first met
When you’re in the middle of fighting addiction, it easy to quickly get tripped up by fresh hurt and repressed pain. There are triggers all around and emotions run high. It was easy for me to return to places of anger and label him as “the porn addict who is ruining our marriage.” It was easy for Craig to interpret anything I said as controlling or manipulative. But when we took time to remember our relationship way back from the beginning, it interrupted our current vantage points and took us back in time. Recalling the first time we met, the first time we kissed, the first time we knew we were meant to be married helped us to see each other without all the current junk. It reminded us of the things we saw in each other that we dearly loved. It rekindled dormant feelings that were crucial in bringing us back to the foundation of our marriage – our love for each other and our love for God.
2. Converse. A lot.
Marriage, let alone overcoming addiction, takes a lot of intentional work and practice. Craig had to practice emotional intimacy because it was not only something he didn’t intuitively know how to do, but he was also afraid of it. He feared that if I knew the real him – the one with needs and emotions – I would dismiss him and not meet them. He had to learn to trust me with his emotional self. As he let me in, he realized his sharing made me embrace him all the more. Letting me see the fullness of who cleared a path so I could ask him things about his addiction. (How can pornography really not be about me? What kinds of things trigger you to turn to porn? How can you not compare me to then?) He realized that his behavior had a significant impact on me. And as he realized how much I cared for him, the more he wanted to be able to take care of me. In addition, the deeper our emotional connection went, the more I could physically be intimate without fear, anxiety, and constant comparisons going through my mind.
3. Be spontaneous–and don’t overanalyze!
When a good thought about your husband or your wife pops into your head, say it. If you aren’t in the same physical proximity, you can send a text. Or write it on a sticky note and hang it on the mirror. The more truth you can speak to each other and the more you can affirm your relationship, the stronger it will be. If you’re out shopping or running errands, see if your spouse can meet you for a quick cup of coffee or lunch. See a little something in the store that you know would bring delight? Buy it. When those good thoughts and ideas pop into your head, do not let Satan steal that moment of joy. Don’t weigh in your head whether or not he deserves it. Don’t stop to think if she is really in love with you or if she’ll be grateful. Push through with love and trust that God will use your act to grow much fruit in your marriage.
I know from experience these things are not easy to do, but they are worth it. And remember this: You weren’t meant to journey this road alone. If you need help, ask. Satan wants you to hide behind the shame of porn addiction, but when you utter the truth, you invite Jesus in.
Jennifer Ferguson and her husband Craig are the authors of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography.
Now it’s your turn! Do you have any marriage advice for us today? Leave a comment, or link up the URL of your marriage post in the linky below!
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I didn’t know about Jen’s struggle or her book, so I’m excited to have another resource in an arsenal of books on this subject. It is a problem that touches way too many women. I’m going to be sharing this with several that I know and on social media as well. Thanks so much, Sheila for highlighting Jen and her and her husband’s story. Inspirational!
Thank you so much! Your words are an encouragement!
You make this sound like quite a straightforward process. How long did it take for your husband to take things seriously? How long before you felt genuine intimacy again? I discovered my husband’s porn use about 2 years into our marriage but it took me 2 more to realise it was a big problem and now 2 years after seeking some help I feel things are just as bad relationally, even though he has stopped as he’s not seeking change in everything else.
Healing, I’ve found, is never straightforward, especially in relationships and especially when the betrayal is sexual. Craig began his addiction in jr. high or early high school. We got married when he was 25 and I think he really realized this could be the end of his marriage probably around 10 years later (we’ve been married for almost 15). But, it took him a year or two to really walk through to freedom. At first, he really tried to do it all on his own strength and it wasn’t until he realized he needed a very real relationship with God that he would find true freedom. Honestly, the process of writing out his story really helped him get to the very root of how he got ensnared in the first place. Once he identified those roots, then he could look at his whole life and see where God wanted to make changes in other areas, too (like communicating effectively, not keeping things bottled up, etc).
After a week of fighting with my husband and wondering if there is any way for our marriage to survive 22 years of porn addiction, this blog post was in my inbox this morning. Do you think a person can really change after 22 year of addiction? I am feeling pretty hopeless right now. He is a year clean from porn, but in the past the typical cycle is getting caught or confessing and then doing good for about 2 years before giving in and going back to his porn addiction and lies. A couple years ago we lost our young daughter to cancer and right before she died I found out he was using porn again. Something in me broke that day. I have been through counseling and it seems to only help temporarily. Our bond just feels broken and it all feels hopeless. The only reason I have stuck it out to this point is because we still have kids at home and I don’t want to further rip their lives apart. Losing their sister has been hard enough for them.
I’m so, so sorry about your daughter. That is just awful. I can totally see how you’re feeling so broken. I can tell you that God CAN heal, and God CAN change someone, but that doesn’t always mean He will. The person has to be willing to change. And likely with all the grief your husband has suffered, too, it brings back the temptation full force. I will say that if he is a year clean, then celebrate that. Don’t judge him through old lenses. Don’t push him away. Be his ally and fight TOGETHER against porn, because it’s porn that’s your enemy, not your husband. I know you’re hurting, but he is, too. Can you choose to hurt together rather than apart? I’m not trying to make it seem easy; I know it isn’t. But if you could get on the same side and fight for your marriage together, rather than accusing each other, God would work a miracle in you. He really would.
First, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart aches.
My husband was addicted for about the same amount of time. It’s been a long process of healing, but healing has taken place. I do have to say, I think you are right – porn addiction is cyclical. I describe in the book what triggers catapulted Craig back into the cycle and how he started to be able to mitigate those triggers. It’s important for wives to know how to recognize those triggers, too, and to really pray over their husbands with extra intention when those things come up.
I also echo everything Sheila said above. Praying for a fresh infusion of hope and light in your marriage.
We have been through this, even after almost 25 years of marriage (this year will be 25), six kids, dairy farming etc., I was the offender … not the hubby … when he found out he didn’t say or do anything about it for almost 6 months since I was going through a very intense foot surgery and rehab period … he didn’t want anything to hinder my recovery … so he waited until the “right time” to bring it up … and it got brought up when I was being snarky about “only being needed in the bedroom” and he lit into me and told me everything he had found out and to compound the seriousness of it, it was one of my daughters that found my online activities and alerted him to them … I didn’t know my children knew until he told me … I was devastated beyond words to say the least, that might sound selfish since I’m the one that was the offender, but you have to know my husband … he is the hardest working, kindest, most selfless person I have ever met or been around … I had been married before to a horribly abusive alcoholic and was raised the same way from the time I was 10 until I moved out when I was 18 … went from the fire into the frying pan quite literally and he was sexually abusive (first husband including forcing intercourse just 5 days after a very bad vaginal delivery of my first daughter), my step dad attempted to rape me as well … lots of verbal talk of sex etc. so I didn’t have a good foundation going into a great marriage with my current hubby … I can honestly say I did it out of “boredom” … I liked the attention … not that I wasn’t getting that at home, but there was something about it coming from strangers that I liked … an alternate personality of sorts … so back to the blog topic (sorry to go on but felt I had to give some background info), I know I told my hubby that I wouldn’t have sex until I was 110% sure he was secure with me and our marriage and that I would never do that to him, our marriage and our kids EVER again … we have Covenant Eyes on EVERY device in our home, all cell phones are covered (including our childrens), my kindle, tablet, both laptops etc. I have to be accountable and need that security that it provides and I think it helps him know what I’m doing when I’m online and alone and that if I do override Covenant eyes that it will show up on my report … I don’t want ever to see that kind of hurt in his eyes EVER again … so it’s not just the guys that are the offenders in this very dangerous issue … lots of moms/women at home get drawn into it also, and then with the mainstreaming of stuff like Fifty Shades … it makes us females feel like it’s “not that bad is it?” …
Thanks for sharing Sandra, I so appreciate your honesty. Do you know about the new book by Juli Slattery & Linda Dillow ‘Pulling Back the Shades.’ I got it because I know how easily I could get sucked in too…from boredom and a lack of healthy intimacy or understanding of sex growing up and just unhealthy patterns in my life.
Thank you again for sharing! I hope you keep sharing your story to free others!
Abby recently posted…What Story Teaches Us :: We Learn We Need God and Others
Sorry, correction. The book ‘Pulling Back the Shades’ is Dr. Juli Slattery & Dannah Gresh.
Abby recently posted…What Story Teaches Us :: We Learn We Need God and Others
I do want to get that book … thanks for the reminder … it’s a must get for me!
You’re absolutely right, and I’ve written before about what porn does to women–how it causes us to fantasize and not be able to get aroused unless we dissociate (think about something else while we’re making love). It’s really scary! Glad Covenant Eyes is working so well for you–if anyone else is interested, you can get a free month with this link.
Works great for us 🙂 Totally worth it and the fact that my accountability report is generated weekly keeps me in check!
I am so proud of you for speaking out here and sharing your heart. Thank you for this. And I agree – it’s not just about men being the offenders. What I really appreciate about your comment is that you bring up such a good point – porn is not about sex. It is about fantasy. It sounds like you needed a place in which to escape and porn was this place. Praising God for your freedom and for your husband that has loved you so well through this.
Thank you for all the positive reactions to my sharing … it’s not easy to share, but it’s very cleansing and I felt so much better, as weird as that sounds that my husband DID find out and it was exposed and dealt with and continues to be dealt with … it was the “escape” that I wanted/needed … in spite of having a wonderful husband, a very active and quite satisfying sex life, it was the “fantasy” that I was desiring I guess … it was hard to explain that to my husband since he has NEVER ever struggled with these issues … he thought it was him … I had to reassure and reassure him that it wasn’t him … we went to a marriage retreat just shortly after the “exposure of my alterlife” and the couple had been dealing with the same issue and we were able to get some one on one time with them … even though it was the husband that was addicted I felt it was reassuring for my husband to hear from another ‘spouse” that they can and will get through it and alot of the times it’s not THEM that’s the problem … it’s something quite different … we are headed to another retreat the end of this month … it’s called What is the State of your Union … should be a good one … it’s taking time to take note of where we are in our marriage, where we have been and where we want to head or go … and if we haven’t moved on in certain areas to get them addressed, figured out and move on … and set future goals 🙂
I think you bring up such a good point – it is SO helpful to have conversations with other couples about their struggles and successes!
Jen Ferguson recently posted…Connections: Trapped in Depression {Part 3}
Jen, I love you brave friend! You are wise and beautiful and I am so proud of you! {{{ hugs }}}
Abby recently posted…What Story Teaches Us :: We Learn We Need God and Others
You continue to overwhelm me with your love. Thank you, friend!
Thanks for sharing this. My husband is a pornography addict, and we just can’t seem to get past it. We’ve been married nearly 7 years, and this has been going on (off and on) for 5-6 years. He does it for a while, I find out, he stops, and is “clean” for a while…sometimes up to a year. I recently found some open on his computer, after confronting him about it just a few months prior. We even sought out a pastor at church, and downloaded X3 Watch….but he can find ways around it I guess. I haven’t found anything in the past month, but I feel like I’m living in paranoia – always wondering if/when he’s viewing it again. I’ve even had a difficult time being sexually intimate lately, because I wonder if he’s just wanting to reenact what he’s seen. I just… I don’t know what to do anymore.
Sarah Kilbreth recently posted…Woes of Moving
You are so right – if your husband wants to find a way around it, he will. And controlling his viewing (or him, at all) isn’t your job. You weren’t made for that. Your best weapon is prayer. I got Beth Moore’s Praying God’s Word book. Do you have that? There is a whole chapter dedicated to sexual strongholds. It took prayer and Craig realizing that his relationship with God was crucial to fighting this battle to freedom.
Jen Ferguson recently posted…Connections: Trapped in Depression {Part 3}
I don’t have that book; I’m definitely going to look into it. Thank you!
Sarah Kilbreth recently posted…Woes of Moving
I don’t have much to add to this conversation except that I’m so moved by this amazing sharing and support. The willingness to stick by your partners and accept their humanness is truly remarkable. I am deeply inspired. Much love!
Janna recently posted…How to Bring up Touchy Subjects without Starting a Fight
Thank you, Janna. I really appreciate your encouragement and the bravery of these ladies speaking out.
Jen Ferguson recently posted…Connections: Trapped in Depression {Part 3}
This talks about regaining intimacy… but what about rebuilding trust? we’ve had some run-ins with porn (I HATE writing that word… Feels dirty even to write it)… my husband says he’s clean… But he’s said he was clean in the past when I later found out that he was completely not clean. I actually purchased “Pure Eyes, Clean Heart” as soon as I heard about it through Sheila’s blog sometime last year… But I haven’t gotten into it because I’ve purchased other books on the subject that honestly leave me even more untrusting and possibly paranoid than ever. They leave me wondering if this problem or that circumstance will (or already has) trigger his return to the porn as I’ve read in books… or if the the porn is the tip of the iceberg, with something much worse, that I don’t know about, looming. How can you trust if you suspect it’ll be an issue again? It’s a pretty miserable place to be. It’s miserable to know that I can never compete with that.
That’s a really good question, S, and I’ll have to write a post on that soon: How to Rebuild Trust After a Disclosure of Porn Use. You really can’t rebuild intimacy until the trust is really there, and trust does have to be earned. I’ll try to think and pray about that and write it soon!
I hope Pure Eyes, Clean Heart doesn’t leave you more paranoid because from our perspective, paranoia is the by-product of a spirit of fear, which God has not give us. I remember lying in bed one night feeling so abandoned, not just by my husband, but anyone who had betrayed me. I said, “I cannot trust anyone. Everyone will let me down.” There was truth in that statement – no one is perfect. People will let me down because they are human. It was the perfect catalyst for God to step in and say, “Trust Me.” One of the things I wrote about in the book was trusting God to let me know if I needed to act. I had given up to God trying to control Craig, but I wanted to be a healthy accountability partner to him. The only way I knew to do that was to trust that if God wanted to use me to intervene, He would let me know. With His prompting, I was listening to Him first, not my fear. I could then ask God how to approach it. One time, God woke me up when Craig was about to get out of bed to look at porn. As I grew in my trust with God, it built such a better foundation for me to rebuild trust with Craig, even knowing that he would let me down at some point (with regards to porn or anything else). I think the conversations we have with our spouses play a vital role with rebuilding trust as well as learning how to love each other well (like in the book, The 5 Love Languages).
Jen Ferguson recently posted…Connections: Trapped in Depression {Part 3}
If a spouse has been caught with porn, and claims that they will not do it again, but they are not willing to put up boundaries on phones, laptops, tablets, ect….what does this really say? That they are not willing to be held accountable?
Amy, true repentance always comes with confession. If they have truly repented, then they will also be willing to confess to someone–to a friend, to a pastor, to someone who will hold them accountable. And they will be willing to rebuild trust with you. So, yes, I would say that they have not really repented. I know that sounds harsh, but if you are really sorry, then you take pains to not do it again and you are humble about it. I’d suggest that he get Covenant Eyes on the computer and other devices and that he find an accountability partner. If he’s not willing to do that, then you may need to go someone yourself and ask for help.
I have heard of people who have gotten caught and then followed through (as far as we know) without looking at it again. I think it depends on the circumstance. Was this a one-time thing? Has he looked at it a lot in the past? Was he going through a particularly hard time at the moment? The last is not at an excuse, but I think we are all guilty of partaking in things that are not good for us when we are overwhelmed and stressed.
There are also other types of accountability other than internet filters. Internet filters don’t really solve the problem anyway. They are a safeguard, but they are not a fail-safe. He could have installed filters and still not have been truly repentant. If he is really addicted to porn, he will need to get to the root of why he seeks this out and internet filters will not help him do that. Are they helpful, yes. But that is not the end of the journey.
Other methods of accountability: Did he talk to anyone else about it? Pastor, counselor, close friend? Small-group? Will he discuss it openly with you?
Trying to figure out if he is truly repentant will sap you of energy. Instead, cover him in prayer and continue to engage in loving conversation about this topic.
Jen Ferguson recently posted…Connections: Trapped in Depression {Part 3}
The pain of watching a spouse go through a porn addiction is so difficult. There have been times when I’ve handled it better than others. I think the thing that has helped me most is to remind myself that my spouse isn’t looking at porn to hurt me. It isn’t even about me. They are trapped in this cycle, and they wish they could get out of it as much as you wish they would. Those lines of thinking has helped me to be more forgiving and supportive.
Keelie Reason recently posted…How to Feel Comfortable Undressed With Your Spouse
Keelie, you are so right. Porn addiction isn’t about you and I believe that my husband wanted to be free much before he actually was free. He was trapped and entangled and it it took him awhile to go through the process of getting untangled. The sooner we can realize as wives that our spouse’s addiction isn’t about us, the more we can help them through the process in a healthy way.
Jen Ferguson recently posted…Connections: Trapped in Depression {Part 3}
Thanks, Sheila!!
I truly can’t wait for that post. In googling/searching christian marriage blogs for advice on rebuilding trust, I’m met with plenty of how-to steps for porn addicts to overcome porn, and also how-to steps for spouses to help porn addicts overcome porn… But not much on what comes next… Like it gets wiped from our memory as fast as God can forgive our sins… or like everything should just go back to “normal”… Except that our normal involved his infrequent porn use and my total oblivion to it.
I want to trust again… I don’t like questioning whatever comes out of his mouth. I’m married to an amazing man… and I really want to trust him again.
I think the fact that you desire to trust him is a huge thing! I don’t think porn use ever gets wiped from our memory, but I do think that God has a process for redeeming it and for making all things new again. There is as much as a process for us as there is for our spouse. I needed freedom from trying to control and holding in my anger just as much as he needed freedom from porn. God had a lot to do in both of us to bring us back to a place of trust and intimacy.
Jen Ferguson recently posted…Connections: Trapped in Depression {Part 3}
This is something that I am struggling with too. In our near 10 years of marriage my husband has been caught or told me about it 3 different times. The first time was hard (6 months in) just a few weeks before our 7th anniversary he came forward again but threw in the wopper of an afair too boot! And only a year later I caught him viewing again. After seeing a marriage councilor and then him seeing another person who had struggled with porn and overcome it I thought we may be doing better. But in the last year my husband has now told me he isn’t sure he believes in God anymore. So now not only am I dealing with the physical trust issues but I am having a hard time connecting spiritually with him too. I love my husband so much but somedays it’s such a struggle to not break down and cry. I don’t know if I can trust him because it seems like he feels the only person to keep accountable to now is me and even then it’s failed in the past.
I pray daily for him to have opportunities to see and feel of God’s love. And that I can love him as Jesus would, but sometimes the fear is just so overwhelming.
You cannot be his only accountability partner. It’s not healthy for either of you. He needs a network of friends for support, just like you do. Do you have a support group of friends who can help and continue to point you to truth? And I wonder if he would benefit from a counselor that is specifically trained in sex addiction? I think sometimes men can become so hopeless when they realize how trapped they are in their addiction and they start to question why they are still in it even when they want to be free. This brings up a lot of doubt and questioning of who God is. Your prayers are so vital during this wrestling time and I pray that he continues to wrestle with his faith so that he will continue to seek answers from God and find resolution. And I pray for eyes for him to see God at work in his life, that he would surrender the things that are holding him back from true freedom, and that he feels the incredible amount of love God has for him. And for you, h, I pray that you would feel an abundance of His love, freedom to come before Him with your tears and fears and heartache. I pray that He would comfort you int his incredibly hard time and that He would fill you with wisdom as to how to proceed and love.
Jen Ferguson recently posted…Connections: Trapped in Depression {Part 3}
A reader sent me this comment that she wanted to post anonymously (without her picture showing up):
I have been married 5 years to a man who has been addicted to porn for 16 years. He is always sorry but really, that feels like an excuse. So what if he is truly sorry but never changes forever, do I live with the nightmares, panic attacks and betrayal? The thought of physical intimacy at all is honestly revolting to me. I have cried and nearly vomited numerous times when I tried to be intimate with him. He is trying to get better and wants nothing but his family but honestly, before or current separation where he is getting counseling, ministry and swears he only wants us, I was near mental breakdown. I dint feel I can believe him if he says he has changed and feel so terrified of living with that fifth again I barely pray because I just try to avoid thinking about it. Immature coping mechanism, but the only way I can make it through the day to take care of our kids. It is almost like I want someone to say I am being harsh or I am being an enabler. I feel lost and stupid, to be honest.
Porn is so filthy and it so hard to continually think about it. Sometimes it feels easier to just ignore it, but I think even when we aren’t consciously thinking about it, the pain still lurks in our souls and kills us from the inside out when we don’t begin to deal with it. I understand not wanting to think about it or pray about it, but what if we thought about it in terms of what you are robbing yourself of when you don’t pray? Because prayer is your access to God who longs to love you and protect you and sing over you. He is your source of joy, your strength is weakness. Prayer is the sword of the Spirit, not just so you can intercede for your husband, but so you can also intercede for yourself. The road to healing from things like this can be so confusing and hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Do you have a support group? Some trusted friends who can help you navigate this process? It can be so hard to learn to trust our husband’s and I realized how desperately I needed not only God’s discernment, but also friends who would help me realize if I was discerning correctly.
Jen Ferguson recently posted…Connections: Trapped in Depression {Part 3}
I love how Jennifer shares so openly about the struggle with porn in their marriage. What a testimony! And there are so many hurting marriages who need the hope that this offers. Well done!
Jen 🙂
Jen recently posted…For the Wife Who Doesn’t Feel Like Celebrating Love
Thank you, Jen!
Jen Ferguson recently posted…Connections: Trapped in Depression {Part 3}
Hi. I know I’m really late to the game but I don’t know how to deal with this and yours was the first blog post that came up over google. I found out this morning that my husband has been looking at porn. He used to be addicted but he said he was doing really well lately, but this morning he told me that he’s been lying to me. He’s never lied to me about it before so thats hitting me really hard today. My first reaction was to cry. A lot. And I did, enough that I threw up. I was laying on the bathroom floor and I looked over at my husband and I realized that he was crying just as hard as I was. My only explanation for what came next was that the holy spirit took over because honestly I’ve always been shattered by this and he’s always been the one to hold it together but I calmed down some, and I got up and I told him that I still love him and that we would get through it together. We read the bible together and we prayed together and we were intimate. Usually it takes a few days before I can sleep with him so this was a surprise to us both. He looked as broken as I felt and I just wanted to tend to him and show him God’s love. It was great, and I don’t regret any of it, but now every thing is hitting me so hard. The distrust and betrayal and hopelessness and the fact that I haven’t forgiven him yet because when I say it I want to mean it. I feel so lost, like I’m empty except for when the pain comes. We’ve prayed about it more and we are seeking counseling tomorrow from our pastor. How do you learn to trust your husband again? I asked him several times over the months if he was struggling with porn and he always said no that he was fine. I feel broken. Will this ever get better?
I can tell you that it took a long time for me to really be able to trust Craig again, too, mostly because of all the times he lied to me about not giving into temptation when he had. But in order for me to be able to show him love while we were rebuilding trust, I had to have something else to depend on, someone who wouldn’t fail me, and that was God. I had to be honest and tell God and Craig that I couldn’t trust Craig, but that I would trust God with Craig and with me and with our relationship. Healing, especially from porn addiction, takes time. I had to allow God to develop in me a sense of compassion for Craig, learning to view his addiction separate from myself.
Your pain and hurt is so valid. He did betray you and your wedding vows. Grieve this, but don’t stay in that grief. Allow God to show you how your husband’s porn use is not about you (what you lack, what you look like, what you “should” be), but about the ginormous hole in his heart. Have regular conversations that are intimate (most men who are involved in porn are afraid of intimacy, so carving out time to practice and develop intimacy is so important). Talk about how you can support each other (regarding porn and just life in general). Be honest, but respectful, about your feelings.
Loving him in that moment was so powerful, Nicole. God is using that to show your husband many things. Continue to be real about your grief, but also real about your passion for your husband. Whatever emotion you feel, feel it, and then turn to prayer – for yourself, your husband, your family. Pray for Jesus to continue to intervene and for protection from the evil forces behind the entire porn industry.
It sounds like your husband is really ready for healing. All God needs is this open door. And things will get better.
Please feel free to contact me again if you’d like! My email is [email protected].
Jen Ferguson recently posted…The Great I AM series: Compassionate (and the #SDGGathering)
My husband has had a temptation with pornographers since he was 15. He has only had an issue with it the last few months, the first time in our 10 years of marriage. I have really benefitted from the article and all the comments. Even though he has only looked at it for a few months, it feels all the same to me. I am wondering if there is a place/article that talks about figuring a person’s triggers. I feel like we have kind of made progress but he is still very much wishing I will never bring it up. I know trusting him will be easier if I understand the triggers and signs more.