Let’s talk nudity, TV shows, and husbands today.
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I thought I’d tackle a subject I get asked about a lot: what about nudity on TV? What do you do if your husband watches Game of Thrones–or something like that?
About a decade ago now my husband and I decided to start watching the HBO series Rome. Keith’s really into ancient history, and we heard that the series did a great job recreating what life would have been like. We watched the first episode and there was a LOT of sex and nudity. We fast forwarded through all those scenes.
By the second episode we realized we were fast forwarding a good half of the show. And the plotlines were really gross–a mom trying to “sell” her daughter to a man to be his wife; a 13-year-old being sold into sex slavery (and the actress looked 13, too). We just thought it was too gross and we never made it to episode 3.
What do you do, though, if your husband doesn’t share your views on this? One reader recently wrote me saying:
My husband is an avid TV watcher. He loves catching up on his shows and looks at his TV time as his “me” time. The TV itself, however, isn’t the problem. He doesn’t spend too much time watching TV and he doesn’t neglect his responsibilities or our family to do it. The problem that I am having with the TV shows right now is the content – specifically the graphic nudity that is in a good portion of the shows he is watching.
The thought of my husband seeing another woman naked makes me feel sick. He claims that when a naked woman comes on screen, he immediately looks away. While I am inclined to believe him, I’m still not comfortable with him seeing anyone other than me naked at all! This fight has become bitter and has permeated into our whole marriage, because he feels like I am trying to control him, and I feel like he is completely disregarding my feelings when he engages in these TV shows.
I guess my question is, what is the line when it comes to the things that we view on TV or in movies? Am I overreacting about the nudity, as long as he is not “lusting” after the naked woman? Should he respect my feelings and stop watching the shows, or should I stop being angry every time he watches them?
So let’s look at how to handle disagreements about what is okay to watch.
1. Pray that God will convict him that watching nudity is wrong
I asked on my Facebook Page yesterday what people thought that she should do, and the number one answer was “pray”. Pray that God will convict him and show him it is wrong, and I do totally agree. When God convicts, it’s so much easier to quit. I read books and watched shows when I was younger that I never would now because my conscience wasn’t as sensitive. Pray that God will show him.
And give this some time–perhaps a few weeks–while you pray about how to react and how to prepare your own heart so you’re acting for his good and for the good of the marriage, not just out of anger.
I’ve been going through an odyssey with prayer lately in my own life, and let me tell you–when you decide to pray wholeheartedly for something, it is amazing how often things happen! What if your husband is in a spiritual battle, and he needs you to fight on his behalf for a time? Really take some time and pray hard! You may find that the problem goes away, and you’ll learn a lot more about prayer in the process.
2. Don’t tolerate your husband watching graphic nudity
At the same time, though, we aren’t to tolerate sin. And tolerating sin when it is damaging to the person isn’t helping them; it’s hurting them. If you see someone about to walk off a cliff, and you do nothing, you’re hurting them. Give prayer a chance to change his heart and yours, but maybe YOU are the vehicle God wants to use to convict your husband. That’s part of what being his help meet is–you’re to help him!
One woman wrote this on Facebook:
Game of Thrones, Spartacus, and shows similar aren’t just sinful for their blantant sex and nudity, but for rape, incest, prostitution, possible pedophilia, disregard and disrespect towards women, completely ungodly themes, extreme unnecessary violence, etc. If he was haunting a porn site we wouldn’t be telling her not to nag and asking her to examine how she feels. This stuff IS porn and more. It is from the pits of hell and she has every right to extract it from her home or pray that God does. She can’t stop him from watching it, but she can insist it does NOT belong in their home. Tell him to find another way to decompress.
I completely agree. Some things are borderline, but there are some sins that are extremely blatant. Many of these shows are pornographic–and even the parts that don’t show nudity show things that are sinful and awful. There is no reason to watch it, and it is wrong, and it should not be in your home, period.
3. But I Don’t Want to Nag!
Like I say in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change your Marriage, there’s a difference between being a peacekeeper and a peacemaker. A peacekeeper just tries to stuff issues down so that conflict doesn’t erupt. A peacemaker says: I really want us intimate and on the same page. And that means that we have to get real about the problems in the marriage.
And here’s the crux of the issue. This woman has already made it an issue with her husband. She has told him she doesn’t want him watching it, he says that he does, and they go round and round and never resolve anything.
So let’s look first at other ways to talk about it.
Focus the conversation on your reaction to the show, not on whether he should be watching it
If you focus the conversation around “it’s pornography and you shouldn’t be watching it”, then you’ll get into an argument about whether or not it really qualifies, and you can’t win that.
Instead, talk about the real issue, which is this:
I feel disrespected and humiliated when you watch that, and I don’t know why you want to do something which makes me feel disrespected and humiliated. When you watch that, I feel sad. I feel ugly. I feel like you don’t care about me and don’t really love me. I understand that you enjoy it, but if I enjoyed something that hurt you this much I would never do it. The fact that you don’t care about how it makes me feel hurts me in the extreme. Do you think that it is appropriate for you to do something which hurts me like this?
He needs to understand what he is doing to you. Often refocusing the conversation around feelings rather than sin is more productive. He can’t debate how you feel; that is a fact. And you don’t need to be angry when you share it, either. You’re sad, you’re sharing your feelings because you want him to understand how serious it is.
4. Set Clear Boundaries Around Nudity on TV
As another Facebook commenter said (who also happens to be a real life friend), “break the TV!”
I think she has a point.
Jesus says that if an eye causes us to sin we should pluck it out. If a hand causes us to sin we should cut it off. If a TV is causing you to sin, then, it makes sense to get rid of the TV.
But you don’t HAVE to do that. There are other things that one can do as well. But I think too often we, as wives, think that because we’re women and we’re married for life if we disagree on something there is really nothing we can do but live with it. Not true at all. Whatever you tolerate will continue.
We can choose not to tolerate many things without divorcing our husbands or even disrespecting our husbands.
You can say something like, “I understand that you want to watch these shows, and should you choose to watch them, I will be extremely hurt, but I will understand. I will ask, however, that you do not do so inside our home. If you are going to be disrespectful towards me, I would ask that you do it somewhere else.”
That is not being disrespectful towards him. You are honoring his right to make his choices, but you are also acknowledging that you have the right to make choices, too.
You can talk about getting rid of the TV, or you can talk about removing yourself (and perhaps the children) from the premises when he chooses to watch these shows.
Alternatively, you can say,
On the nights that you watch those shows, I would ask that you also sleep separately from me. It hurts me to be near to you when you have treated me this way, and when you are close to me afterwards, I have no way of knowing if you are thinking about me or thinking about the person on the screen. I love sleeping next to you and I want to sleep next to you always, but I can’t sleep when you are doing something like this.
Then you stop talking about it and you just start doing. You’re not nagging. He’s made his choice, and you’ve made yours. On the nights that he doesn’t watch TV, be nice to him! Be giving to him! Have a great time together and don’t punish him for it.
You’re not controlling him–he can choose to do what he wants to do. But you also can choose to do what you want to do, and his actions will have consequences for your actions.
Which approach should you take? I have no idea. It really depends on you, your marriage, and your personalities. But this idea that all we can do is tell him, “I really don’t like it when you do that”, and then we should keep our mouths shut, is not scriptural.
In Matthew 18, we’re told what to do if someone sins against us. We go to them first. If that doesn’t work, we go to one or two others and ask them to help intervene for us. And if that doesn’t work, we go to the whole church. What we don’t do is just tolerate it.
I’ve written before that this applies to marriage as well–we’re to be wives, not enablers. When you do nothing, you enable sin.
What General Principles can we take from this conundrum of a husband watching nudity about resolving conflict?
Here are a few quick things:
1. Focus on your feelings, rather than the infraction.
2. Leave some time for God to convict.
3. If the problem persists, change your own behaviour.
4. If the problem still persists, bring in a mentor couple or a pastor.
The problem I have with a lot of marriage advice is that it stops at #2. And then people are stuck just feeling like they’re nagging and not getting anywhere.
I wonder how many divorces could have been avoided if people used good conflict resolution early and stopped tolerating things that are wrong?
We start tolerating little things, these little things escalate, and soon we have a huge problem.
You don’t have to make things into World War III, but some things just need to be done for the good of the marriage, and for the good of your husband’s soul. Not everything is that big a deal, of course, but some things are. And the principle here isn’t just that the husband is watching nudity; it’s the fact that he’s choosing to hurt her terribly. That can’t be tolerated, either.
I know what I’m saying is controversial, but I’m also trying to be helpful. If you want more information on how to deal with problems like this calmly and properly, I talk about it at length in thoughts 5, 6 and 7 of my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. It will help you talk about the real issues, draw boundaries where you need to, and find a win-win solution for both of you.
Check out the book here.
Now, let me know (and let me have it, since I know many will disagree with me), what do you do if your husband is doing something that is endangering his spiritual life and the marriage?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I must admit, I haven’t fully read the article, but the problem is not nudity! The problem is lewdness. I see naked people at work every single day. Many of them, male and female, young and old (all adults). But my husband (who is a Godly man) isn’t bothered by it. Why? because it’s not sexual. I’m a nurse and it’s just part of the job.
Nudity itself is not a sin or God would not have created Adam and Eve naked, nor would babies be born naked. In fact, until several years of age, most children are not the least bit bothered about running around in the nude. The problem is lust.
Medical training videos contain nudity (when appropriate) and it not “pornagraphic”. It is a necessary part of the training of healthcare workers. So it’s not the fact that something is on a tv either that makes it sinful.
In fact, a fully clothes person can be more sinful to look at than a naked person in certain contexts. How many of us have seen tv shows with skin tight clothing where the person (nearly always female) has every single curve and pointy bit on display? Even in g-rated shows this can happen (an example I saw as a kid was Star Trek – if you look at some of the costumes of the shows made in the 90s, every inch of body is covered, but by clothing so skintight that there is nothing left to imagination).
Anyway, my point is, the real issue we need to address is our husbands seeing sexualised images of women whether those women have clothes on or not. If my husband was a doctor, I wouldn’t be bothered by him seeing naked women every day. I’m more bothered by him watching clothed women in Japanese anime (cartoons) with giant “assets” that are covered but only just barely. They aren’t even real life images, but it’s their sexualised nature that is the problem.
Nudity is not sinful – viewing someone other than your spouse in a sexual manner (clothes or not) is the sin.
Great point, Butterfly wings! It’s the context of the nudity and the aim of the nudity. My husband’s a physician, too, so I totally get where you’re coming from.
I am not married but I dated a massage therapist once. One thing I couldn’t get over is her being that close to many naked men. In fact, I would rather her watch Sex in the City, than for her to be a massage therapist. As I read your comment, I realize that I would feel the same way about a nurse or doctor who comes into regular and frequent contact with other naked men. Although men are more visual than women, women react to visual cues as well. Even though any reaction might be fleeting and involuntary, knowing that my wife would be having many fleeting and involuntary reaction to other men would make me feel just awful. That they would be in very close proximity and possible alone, makes it even worse. Even if my would be wife never acted on her fleeting, involuntary cues, I could never be happily married to a woman in such a profession.
Joe can I reassure you that not everyone’s minds think that way? To be honest, the male “parts” are one of the most ugliest looking things I know. I’d rather a clothed man over a naked one any day. A nice tailored shirt and pants, something like that. I must admit, the first time I had to sponge bath someone, I was repulsed. But with time (usually very quickly), “private” parts become to health professionals no different to other body parts. Of course there are some people with fetishes who are turned on by toes, or wrists or ears. But most people are not – most health professionals feel the same way about private parts. Another comparison is cultures where it’s natural to be topless as chests are seen as something for feeding babies with, not as sex objects. Men in these cultures see nothing sexual about women’s chests. It’s a mindset.
I must admit, if I was married to a gynocologist or breast cancer doctor/male nurse or even more so… a male midwife (they do exist). But I would accept it’s my own insecurities and deal with it between me and God. But then again, we also need to be comfortable with the person we marry and if we are bothered by a person’s profession it is going to cause friction eventually and maybe it is better to not marry a person we can’t be comfortable with.
I understand it. I worry about my (second) husband working in IT after my second husband having a severe porn addiction (even downloading kiddy porn which I discovered the day before we separated). I find it hard to deal with the fact that my husband could download anything and would be able to hide it so well I’d never know. But sometimes we have to trust our spouses, as hard as it may be.
Ooops there was a typo… my FIRST husband had a severe porn addiction and downloaded the kiddy porn. Just to be clear.
My husband admitted halfway through our relationship that he watched porn. I was absolutely gutted – I nearly threw up. I just couldn’t understand how he could do that to me, especially as I had expressed very deeply how much I hated pornography. He has since stopped, but still struggles with temptation every now and then. He frequents the site reddit, which I now also hate and sees questionable things on there sometimes, which has led him to temptation. For a while he did not even use reddit, but now more than a year later is back to using it all the time. Now that the new Game of Thrones season is upon us I have learned that he also watches it and is committed to the last season. I had never seen it but had heard of it grotesque sexual content. I agreed to watch the first episode of the final season with him. Nearly twenty minutes in there was a threesome sex scene. We fast forwarded but the damage had already been done. Full nudity with “realistic” looking sex. Angry and furious I abrubtly sat up and expressed how uncomfortable I was and that I did not agree with any of tjat
Angry he replied that “it was not the shows fault, but my own and something that I needed to get over.” I sat in the other room, doing my own thing, and crying all night. We have not spoke about it again (this was a few weeks ago). I have tried to have every conversation with him possible, from how nudity is a sin, that I don’t want it in our marriage, and that it makes me feel sad and unworthy. All of which I’ve heard nothing back but “well everyone is doing it, he knows it’s a sin, it’s my fault (me” making” him refrain from masturbation) , and how it’s my issue and something I need to get over. ” I’ve spoken with people at church and continue to pray, but don’t know how to make him understand and respect my feelings.
I’m sorry, Rachel. I think maybe focusing less on the fact that it’s a sin and focusing more on “this makes me uncomfortable, and I would ask you to honour me as your wife” might help. He doesn’t feel like it’s a sin, so getting into that argument won’t help. But if you’re upset, that should matter!
I see your point, but respectfully disagree that nudity is not the problem here. Your job is just that…a job. You can’t help seeing naked people, just as you stated its part of your job. I myself am about to start nursing school. However, inside your own home, you make a conscious choice and decision what to watch. You have the option to change the channel or turn the tv off completely. What reason inside your own home, could you or your husband possibly have to look at a naked body other than to lust after it. If the majority of a show is nudity, it doesn’t have a place in our homes anyway. Its no different than going to a strip club…you just don’t have to leave home to do it…kinda like hiring a stripper. My husband is not a Christian so he sometimes doesnt understand my views on these kinds of shows. But even he agrees that it would be very disrespectful to me if he were to continually stare at another woman in public. We all cant help that first glance and what we see with it or the feelings that might come…but we can help that 2nd and 3rd look and control our thoughts and bring them “under the subjection of Christ.” Not only is this womans husband staring at another woman…she’s naked and by continuing to look at her, he is disrespecting his wife’s place as THE WOMAN of his home by bringing the nakedness of another one inside it. He doesn’t have to look…he chooses to. Its not a requirement. That’s what hurts. I know exactly how she feels.
I see so many things wrong with the advice that is being given here. First off this guy is blatantly disrespecting his wife. Even if she says “oh you can’t come to bed or be intimate with meninnthebnight that you watch” so what?? He can go without sex one night. Men store up lustfullnthkughts in their minds to use at other times. That’s why they can masturbate in places like the shower where no tv is around. Who’s to say that he is not having sex with her the night after and pulling up those fantasies of other women. She’s not guaranteeing herself anything. The REAL problem is the disrespect. Why would a man who supposedly loves you want to make you feel bad, and essentially choose a TV show over you because he refuses to give it up.
You can’t mince words or pussyfoot around.
Tell him it’s either his x rated flicks or you. Take your pick. If he thinks he can have both, he will try. Believe me.
You are allowing him to treat you this way by not putting your foot down.
If not your going to keep walking around broken hearted, having your self esteem shredded, by him enjoying these other women, and it will effect both of you. Him because he will desire you less and less because you cannot possibly live up to these women and you because you cannot live up to these women.
Enough tiptoeing around he issue and allowing him to have his cake and eat it too.
Ladies we may be Christians, but we are NOT doormats.
So, there are actually Christian men that don’t watch tv with nudity this day and age? My ex would just see movies in the theatre during the day with his buddies and lie about it. And I would still see the porn on his phone that other men sent him to admire.
Oh, CC, I’m so sorry! There definitely are Christian men like that. And if men are watching those movies and then lying and watching porn, I’d question whether the term “Christian” is really accurate. I’m sorry.
I dated a wonderful guy who was super considerate of movies we watched, he never oogled other women, was classy and a gentleman all around. I ended up marrying the complete opposite and Im miserable. My husband thinks being manly is watching porn, Game of Thrones, girlie mags. I stopped loving him the day I caught him searching for porn again. Already filed for divorce, Id rather be single than be disgusted with someone I married. There are more men who want to treat me with respect than settling for somene who doesnt value me and makes me want to vomit by being a pervert.
Do you have any other solutions to it? I have talked to him of how hurt i am by him watching such images abd playing games which contain those images. I realised that he tries to do it then discreetly. So when i caught him again, i would advice him in religious manner because he is a religious man. But it has been continuing again. And most of my happy times after having sex, i then realise that he was watching lewd images before it. Hence, it is depressing and saddening for me.
So now, i am keeping quiet about it since he does not know that i know for the current situation.
So what should i do now?
Hello all. I’m so glad this info. was here. I have a major problem with TV, movies, magazines, stores (Victoria’s Secret, i.e.) and computers and their depiction of women. When I was a teenager I went to many X-rated movies thinking they were funny and, in embarrassed honesty, for the arousal aspect. One night there was an old man masturbating to the movie; then something clicked in me. I may have remembered early trauma, I don’t know for sure. Since then I get enraged when a woman pops on the screen in any form of nakedness. Enraged! I feel all the same feelings stated by others. Let’s be honest, it’s all about naked women and arousing men. That’s what the media does to sell. And, it all ties into how all women are viewed as sexual objects. Objects – undeserving of respect. Why do you think there are so many stories for the Me Too movement? Somewhere along the way men began to think they’re entitled to doing anything they want to women. I have argued many times with my cable provider as they insist on giving us cable channels and on having the porno channels’ graphic titles on screen. I don’t have HBO or any other cable stations and I don’t think I ever will, but they claim there’s nothing they can do about the disgusting descriptions for the pornos. My husband knows we’re “better” without the channels. We have to stop allowing women to be portrayed as objects. And to the nurse here, I know what you’re saying. I was also in the medical field and felt as you do, but I have a Me Too story from years ago about one of the “best” fertility specialists and his nurse at Yale Hospital and a recent experience with a male nurse (different hospital) so what you’re saying doesn’t apply to all in the medical field. Bottom line – say “NO MORE” to the nudity and disrespect. We CAN say no. That’s what I taught my daughter and wish I had been taught. You have every right to feel comfortable in your home and if those shows are more important to your husband, I’m sorry, but then those shows are more important to your husband than you. Although, I’m willing to bet that if you tell him it’s either those shows or you he’d choose you. Take care.
I agreed with everything said here. My wife has the same insecurities about her body, no matter how much I compliment her and let her know how attractive I find her she still feels the same way.. the only difference is that I actually don’t watch any of this shows mention before. Her issues are with cheerleader shots during football games and superhero movies. I can’t even take my 11 year old son to watch avengers As a fan of the sport and comic character I’m having a very difficult time giving up the game and pg13 rated movies. Any advice?
Same insecurities? So she’s insecure about her body because men are being raised as perverted voyeurs attached to their TVs? Not sure if you noticed but women have been oversexualized for a long time. Don’t you men enjoy women in short skirts dancing around?
It is so unfair that women are fully expose but they never show male nudity
I have been dealing with a similar situation but maybe worst. My husband reads the Bible, goes to church and we pray as a family before each meal. But the videos he likes to watch has nudity. The nudity parts are of people having a sex, when we fight he watches porno and runs to girl classmates he hasn’t seen or heard from in over 20 years and vents or to some random female at stores or at parks and vents to them about our problems. I grew up where violence, sex or scarey movies weren’t allowed in our home because my parents loved God and they said what you watch you bring those demons in your home. When we are out and he thinks I’m not looking at him he is always staring at woman in their bikinis and will watch them crossing the streets all the way till they reach the other side. We been together for almost 11 years and I have cried, I’ve talked nicely to him telling him how it makes me feel and is not of God but he be littles it telling me that God have him eyes to see, that if I have a problem with him looking or double sometimes triple looking at woman I need to find someone else, or it’s just a movie that I need professional help😔. He sometimes answers his phone calls with woman on the phone and starts making his tongue to me like a person would do to give oral sex to a female while she is talking to him. I pray, I stand up and try for enforce no movies of that kind allowed in my home. He says when I argue and stand my ground I am sining by doing so. I’ve even left him for months for him to just attend church more and pursue working things out. Always hoping for the best this is the 4th time we are together. What am I supposed to do? Unlike a lot of you who work a certain job to help people and see them naked and not lust on them mines saying he not listing and that he watches porn sometimes just to watch it. And so what if he looks at other woman in the bikinis he’s not looking at them lustfully. As his wife for almost 11 years I can’t understand how a man can do these things without lusting. I feel responsible as mentioned to tell him right from wrong, what is if God and what isn’t. There is always some excuse to do it. I’ve told him if he wants to do that then he’d have to do it without me and the kids. But he won’t leave and says I’m just insecured. I don’t believe in Luke warm. Things are either right to do so or straight up wrong. I feel like I’m going crazy and so alone in this battle. He is the main provider and with this pandemic Hotels and restaurants ain’t hiring and this is what I’ve done for 19 years. I can’t provide for my children and family won’t help because I went back. Am I wrong if I leave? Is it my duty to stay and help correct this matter in Gods eyes? He is so spiritually lost not with just lust but matters of this worldly desires. Please someone help
So your husband doesn’t respect you and your not sure if you should stay or not? He sounds like a dirty old man that most girls would be uncomfortable around. If you want a chance at happiness, he can’t come with you.
Thank you for your post on this! I have recently read a book that was trying to explain that as our spouses help mate that we have to sometimes hold them accountable even when it is hard. I was having a hard time understanding what an appropriate way to do this would be. After reading several chapters I agreed with the concept and what they were saying, but I was still having a hard time wrapping my head around how I was to actually do that other than using I statements and not blaming. Your examples here are very helpful.
I also liked how you discussed praying hard for a certain amount of time. That sometimes you can’t just stop there. Great point.
Thank you for your willingness to tackle such a topic! It was for sure helpful and encouraging to me!
Thanks, Cassie!
At my house, the content I find most objectionable is when sex and violence were paired, regardless of whether any skin was shown. To make matters worse, my husband would watch these when our kids were present. As I write this, though, I realize that I have never addressed this as a sin issue. I have a really strong aversion to violence for entertainment (as do my girls), and I think I have felt guilty for saying no watching so many movies and TV shows with him–like this is a flaw in my emotional makeup. So, you have given me something to think about and I am already considering how and when to address it.
I think I will tell him that by choosing to watch stuff that I find morally objectionable, he is picking TV over me because I will take myself elsewhere (this has in fact, already been happening). I am uncomfortable with the idea of saying that he can’t sleep in our bed on nights he watches something that I find sinful or offensive, though. I would rather say that I don’t want to be intimate on those nights, because it seems that he was aroused by the TV, not by me, and that it makes me feel used. Honestly, though, we have a lot of issues we are working on and I will have to weigh whether this is one to tackle now, or to wait until later.
Yes, Meredith, if you have other issues, then I think prayer until you feel real guidance about what to do is the best idea. And I do believe that when there are a lot of issues, working first on building your friendship and finding fun things to do just so that you lower the tension in your marriage is often a good first step.
I’m sorry you’re walking through this, but I would agree with you that sex and violence being paired is really destructive–and shouldn’t be looked at in front of the kids, especially.
You need to lookup 9 thoughts that can change your merraige it is extremely helpful good luck and God bless you
I’m so glad you found 9 Thoughts helpful! Here’s where you can get it.
It dosnt work they just keep watching it and nothing I say matters….They have to see it as wrong before they will stop and me telling him just engulfs the topic and it is never resolved quite exhausting 🙁
What a great article! I fully agree that women do not have to put up with sin in their homes. As long as the husband is also a believer, the steps given here will help to lovingly convict him.
It’s important to remember that all of this must be done with the utmost love and respect. It’s very easy to withhold sex from our husbands as a weapon to get him to do what we want. Although it’s not sinful to let him know that you are hurt, it is sin to cut him off because you are having a disagreement (see I Corinthians 7).
Remember, in the end the goal is to restore the love and respect you each have in your marriage. Not to alienate your husband by nagging, withholding sex, or talking badly about him to all your friends. Prayer, love, and counsel will go a long way to changing the poor behavior of a God fearing man.
Love this response. While I do agree it is wrong to withhold sex, if someone were to talk to their husband, and they agree that she will not have sex with him when he watches tv etc that she finds questionable due to sinful content etc, that is ok. The bible also clearly states that sex may not be with held except on mutual agreement for a set time. I believe this circumstance certainly fits that criteria
I’m conflicted about the advice to sleep separately.
I don’t want to comment specifically on Game of Thrones, because I’ve never seen it. I just know that it’s very popular with fans and critics, but that it has also received a lot of criticism for having a lot of graphic sex and violence.
I think that there can be situations where a spouse is enjoying something so extreme and disturbing that it literally makes you physically repulsed. If that happens, any real intimacy is not possible, and the lack of physical relations is a natural consequence. The issue has to be addressed if the marriage is to survive.
On the other hand, I’m not a fan of using withholding sex as a deliberate threat if you would otherwise be willing. I can see how this could spiral out and make things worse. She gets angry, goes off to bed and makes it clear that he’s not welcome if he’s watching the show. He resents the ultimatum, watches it even more, and sleeps on the couch. Suddenly, it’s no longer about the merits or problems with the show itself. It’s become a power struggle, and intimacy is grinding to a halt.
We can decide what we will watch ourselves. We can control what our children watch. We can share our concerns with our spouses, but they are ultimately adults who are responsible for their own actions. Period. It’s not up to us to tell them what to do.
It is appropriate to share information and discuss values. If something makes us feel violated or triggers flashbacks to past abuse, our husbands need to know that. Beyond that, though, we need to discuss values together. WHY does he like certain forms of entertainment? Let him answer this question honestly, without jumping all over him. It is just an exciting show, or does he find the sex and violence itself to be exciting? What are his thoughts on how women are being portrayed? I know I had some issues when friends of my husband enjoyed watching strippers and make comments about how “hot” the women were. I ended up knowing some of the women through my work, and came home with stories about how many of them were only 18 or 19, and were doing the work not because they loved it but because they were living in desperate poverty and it was a way for them to feed their children. They wanted to buy into a fantasy, but they needed to face the reality of the exploitation these women were facing.
A good man (and I assume that our husbands are good men) who knows ALL the information and who has a chance to think deeply about the issues and values will be able to come to a good decision on his own. If it’s HIS decision, based on HIS values, you won’t need to ever nag or worry about enforcing your standards. Instead, he will be following his standards and values. That’s far more valuable than getting a husband to agree (at least when he is in front of you) by pressuring him even if he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing.
The other reason that it’s important to keep the lines of communication and intimacy open is that some of our fears may be exaggerated or misplaced. Is it possible that he likes a show for reasons other than wanting to watch sex and violence? Is it possible for him to see nudity without immediately comparing us to that image or losing attraction? I’m not saying it’s great, just that we shouldn’t make any problem worse than it is. Are there other things that he does which show how he feels about us or that say something about his character? For example, if he is watching a show late at night, after working hard all day to support the family and help others and do things with the kids, we can put this into perspective and appreciate his good points, and realize that one flaw doesn’t need to define him.
Excellent comment.
Cynthia, the entire society would benefit from your perspective and worldview! Excellent analysis! God bless women like you.
What about computer games with sexy women showing practically their whole body? And lots of bloody violence on top of that? We don’t have a TV, but these games are the problem in our house. Not only can they take up hours of my husband’s time, but the content of some of them also makes me feel yucky. I know it’s only made-up images, unlike movies actually being acted out, but I still have a problem with it.
My husband has asked me when I’m going to stop dieting. Really, I just try to prepare healthy meals and make sure I’m not eating over-sized portions. But how would I ever want to stop watching my weight when I’m constantly being bombarded with these images of sexy, perfect bodies in my own home?
Oh, that’s so tough. I think the best answer is to sit down and have an honest talk about both of these issues. Does he understand how you feel? Have you ever spelled it out completely? I know it’s hard to talk about it, but that’s likely the first step is to really explain your feelings, even if it’s a little scary.
Hi Sheila,
My problem might be more rare. My wife absolutely adores shows like True Blood and Game of Thrones (not to pick on HBO). I think I’ve seen more of True Blood (the vampire show) than the Game of Thrones, but it just looks silly to me, including the over-the-top nudity.
Do you have any advice for the issue when the genders are switched? I guess I’m saying I don’t take the shows (or my wife watching them regularly) very seriously, but should I?
I think I’d say exactly the same thing, actually. I don’t think it’s a gendered thing–it’s a sin thing. It’s just wrong to watch nudity and blatant sexuality/violence like that. It just is. And we need to call people on it!
Thanks for asking.
I could watch anything explicit with a male buddy, wouldnt bother me a bit, but someone I love? Different story. Lusting after naked women onscreen is cheating. Men wouldnt want women doing to this them, although movies like Magic Mike sure give them reason.
That is upsetting.
I’ve already had some very intense discussions with my fiancé about this stuff. He used to watch this stuff, but as far as I know he’s stopped completely. He’s not had a television or access to cable for several years. And I’ve made it very clear that I find all of this morally objectionable.
We’ve especially had some discussions about hentai (anime porn basically) and whether or not that is morally objectionable to watch/ read it since it is animated and not real actors. Glad we had these talks before marriage. Hopefully we won’t need to after.
I would classify hentai in the same category as porn, and here’s why: it is sexually stimulating. If 50 Shades of Grey can be called “mommy porn” with NO visual component, then hentai falls squarely in the same camp.
The problem is that many men say “I can handle it, it doesn’t affect me” about violence, nudity, sex scenes, etc. But all they have done is desensitize themselves to the affect this stuff has on their spirit.
As we watch or read or otherwise consume this material it DOES affect you! Society at large would have you believe that there is no harm in this stuff, and I am appalled at the shows that are given awards from HBO/Showtime for their “gritty” drama. I kind of want happy entertainment…I have enough to deal with in life without having even more miserable stuff thrown at me.
I used to be someone who said it didn’t affect me, that my spirit was not harmed by this stuff. We have been without TV for several years (by choice), so I have not watched any new run shows for years. Recently sat with my parents and watched some current shows….and I was frankly uncomfortable with the level of sex and implied sex in those shows (and these are BROADCAST channels).
Was it overt and pornographic? No, but the heavy references really did make me uncomfortable…me, who didn’t think twice about it for years.
Remove yourself from it, find something good to fill the void and then watch it again….part of you will be drawn to it but I am willing to bet that part of you will be a bit horrified that you thought nothing of letting that stuff in your head!
Actually, that’s something I noticed too. After I stopped watching TV for several years, when I would go to a hotel and see a show I’d be shocked–even though I used to watch this stuff before. Once you’ve been without it for a while and then you see it again–it’s so jarring.
I wasn’t a proponent for it. I’m vehemently against all forms of porn, erotica and the like. My position was that whoever draws that stuff is sinning by squandering their God given talents, damaging their souls, and leading other people into sin. He did grow up in a Christian home, but their church was in the all grace and no holiness camp. So he had a bit of the “if it doesn’t hurt anyone it must be ok” mindset. This was all several years ago. We go to a very good evangelical church now, and he’s changed his mind since.
He got rid of TV cause it costs too much money, and now he’s realized that it’s a shocking waste of time. He still likes to watch TV when we visit his parents, but it’s all wilderness survival, top gear, gun and car shows. That’s basically what he watches on youtube too.
I don’t have cable either. My sister and I watch anime online. Most of it is like Naruto, Bleach, Legend of Kora. Nothing with sexual content. I’m not going to say it’s completely non-violent, but we stay away from the gratuitous violence and the seriously weird stuff. I read lots of reviews before I watch something. That goes for live action shows and movies too. We watch stuff on Netflix, after reading reviews for content. We only watch about 2 hours a week. I’m not about to waste time on bad and/ or morally corrupt shows.
Hentai isn’t just the same category as porn. It IS porn. It’s just an animated version of it. Just as animated violence is still violence.
So good you’re talking about it now! And if he’s taken steps to get rid of the TV, that’s awesome!
Sheila, I love your practical tips in this post. I love that you start with prayer..that’s where our help comes from/starts! On our knees. Very often though, we have to go on, press in and fight for health. Some of the things you’ve said, some people might take issue with. I like that you’ve pointed out that at it will depend on your marriage, your personalities e.t.c. There’s no one-size-fits-all answers for some marital challenges. That’s why we start on our knees, so that God will give us the grace and the specific direction we should take and the wisdom and strength to do what is required.
Also let me add that when someone hasn’t gone through specific challenges, it’s hard to understand what it feels like to walk though those specific troubled waters. Hence the reason people might want to throw some tomatoes here and there..but the one who needs help will find these tips very helpful and practical! thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Ngina! And it does vary for each couple, depending on what else is going on in the marriage, the history of the marriage, etc. Sometimes it’s just HARD. But we have to fight for what’s right.
I can’t help but notice that the picture at the beginning of the article appears to be of a much older couple. They may not have experienced nudity on TV before they were married and now it has become an issue. With much younger couples, it may be different. They most likely would have grown up in a culture where nudity of TV (such as Game of Thones) was commonplace. For these couples, I think it is very important to discuss this issue before they get married.
what about if I am sitting right next to him watching True Blood and Game of Thrones with my husband??? and enjoying the show??
Everyone can choose to do what they want to do. We all have those choices. But I’d just encourage you to look closely at those shows and ask if that’s really helping your life–or if it’s distorting your image of what sexuality is.
I love the way you said this! I would also just add that having the conversation while he’s sitting down watching it might not be the best time. I think timing is an important part of the conversation. He may also need time to “think on it” and let her words sink in. One thing that has worked amazing in my marriage is a conversation journal that I can write in and leave for my husband to read while he’s alone. Certain topics are much easier for him when he doesn’t feel the pressure of having to have a response right this second. He can process it, pray about it and bring it up when he’s mulled it over.
Sarah, I LOVE your conversation journal idea! Wow!
That’s a great idea, Sarah! Love it.
This is an interesting idea. I have a hard time talking about things with my husband because he just doesn’t talk! The conversation just ends in the middle leaving me feeling very frustrated and worse than before I bring something to his attention. I feel this ins’t healthy for both of us. This would be a way to show respect to him and still be able to bring things to his attention.
As an aside, this also works great with teens and tweens. My husband and I have a notebook, my son and I have a private blog that only the 3 of us have access to. You have to think more to type or write, and it works great to make you careful how you word things and make them feel less attacked
It doesn’t matter to me. I know who he’s sleeping with every night. There’s nudity? So what. As long as it’s not porn, it doesn’t matter one whit to me.
Definition of Porn: television programs, magazine, books, etc. that are regarded as emphasizing the sensuous or sensational aspects of a nonsexual subject and stimulating a compulsive interest in their audience.
I’d say Game of Thrones does just that!! Take some time and read what goes on in this show, maybe then you will see that it is not JUST about nudity every once in a while. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0944947/parentalguide?ref_=tt_stry_pg
My hubby loves movies and recently bought one that contains two nude scenes…one of which apparently had a bit if vulva going on according to IMDB. He knows I hate that, but he didn’t know about the nudes until he asked if I was going to watch with him. I looked it up, told him what it contained. He groaned, but watched it anyway, so I slept on our nice, comfy couch. I can only pray and trust he didn’t indulge in lust.
I did put my foot down on Game of Thrones. He says because he doesn’t watch it for the sex it is ok, but I tell you, when he was watching It, before I even knew he bought it, he was treating me like crap. He didn’t care that my poor little feelings were hurt and I finally blew up, called it what it really is, told him he was sinning, and that’s the end of that.
I love your blog Sheila!!! Thank you for all that you do to help us strengthen our marriages. You’re the only blog my husband will read when I send it to him. 🙂
Here is my thought on this. If this was me, I would not try to alieniate my husband. I wouldn’t tell him to go watch it somewhere else or sleep in another room. (That’s a recipe for further destruction – satan wants to break-up the marriage). Because instead of TV shows what if he turns to porn? No one around to keep him “accountable”. Sleeping in another room? That can allow him to really fantasize about the women on TV. I would sit and watch all these shows with my husband while praying silently the entire time. I would not say a word or nag but allow the Holy Spirit to perform a miracle. I have learned in my 4 years of marriage to allow God to change our marriage situation rather than be so “dramatic” over things that my husband does or doesn’t do. Don’t push the husband away – that’s what satan wants. A nagging angry wife will surely push the husband away!! I’m am proof – a praying and loving wife reaps God’s blessing on her marriage.
Excellent answer. Especially true – A nagging angry wife will surely push the husband away!! I’m am proof – a praying and loving wife reaps God’s blessing on her marriage
I thought the same thing until I started watching the show with him and it’s not just nudity that was the issue. If it was just flashing boobs a couple times it wouldn’t bother me so much but it was the prostitution it was lesbian sex it was forced sex incest and rape. I can’t accept this as a form of entertainment. I can’t watch the show and I’m so hurt that my husband wants to watch it. He claims he doesn’t watch it for the sex scenes and doesn’t really even pay attention to them but that only tells me that he is desensitized. He has agreed to not watch it in our home but he insists he will still watch it. I’m not sure it’s necessarily helpful that he’s just going to go somewhere else to watch it without me. It has driven a wedge between us. I have zero control it seems and my only option is to accept it or get mad every time he watches it or leave the relationship. The only one that makes the most sense is to accept it and that’s extremely hard to do because it goes against the core of everything I believe in.
As a Christian, I am trying to grasp what had transpired over Thanksgiving weekend when HBO offered 5-free days of its content where my husband came across a show called Game of Thrones.
I sat down to watch television after coming home from work on Thanksgiving weekend (11/24/2018). I had never heard about the show before that night. My husband said he was binge-watching it that entire afternoon into late night…
A sex scene came on and I kindly asked him, “Out of respect and honor for me, can you turn the channel?” He yelled at me and said, “If you don’t like it, go to the next room.”
I attempted to take the remote to change the channel but he pulled it out of my hands.
What ensued was an argument I never saw coming…
The sad thing is that he professed to be a Christian.
Two weeks later, he served me divorce papers.
Two days before Christmas, he moved out of the apartment (all his belongings were gone), and I walked into a semi-empty apartment, hearing the echoes of my cry…
I truly believe that Game of Thrones is Satanic. I’ve tried to grasp and understand what happened – My husband of 7 years no longer wants to be married to me. How did that happen overnight?
Some shows that my husband and I watch together, like Law and Order SVU, contain questionable scenes. Since I’ve always been really jealous, I’m the one who’s overreacting. It’s not his issue it’s mine. I’m just jealous and a prude. Knowing that I have a jealousy issue i feel like I don’t have any validity to my side of the argument. I do like these shows, but would give them up to keep him from seeing those images. It hurts so much when my feelings are discounted after already feeling ugly and insignificant.
I know how you feel! I battle with jealousy and it sucks. However, after doing a LOT of praying I’ve come to the conclusion that just because I struggle with jealousy, does not mean that my feelings do not matter. I use to get mad when he would watch any kind of show that had a pretty girl in it, or I’d not want to attend a party if there was pretty girls there, or I didn’t want to go to public events because there was always a chance that someone pretty would be there. That all sounds pretty crazy, and I know that. Praying has helped. I still struggle at times, but I know that it is an issue that I have and I can’t get upset with my husband just because we are at an even and there are pretty girls there. Most of my jealousy issues are related to my husband and when he would view porn when we first got married. He has stopped, but I can’t seem to let the feeling of “not being good enough” go. Although my husband is wonderful, he has always had strong views on women and feel that they should not let themselves go after marriage. He has also made it clear that he is not attracted to fat women, and he wants a wife who is healthy. Most people cringe at that, but he is not saying I have to be a size 2, he just wants me healthy. I know he does not intend to hurt me with those comments, and normally he just brings them up in conversation with other people, I’m just stuck hearing them over and over. He tells me daily that I’m beautiful and that he is happy with me. Anyways, to get back to my point. I’ve leaned to understand when I’m being jealous and when I’m being honestly effected. I’m 100% not ok with my husband looking at naked women, and that is because it has hurt my marriage in the past and we worked hard to get past that point, and honestly we did a GREAT job at communicating, praying, letting God in, and overcoming this battle of pornography. So, when my husband wants to watch Game of Thrones I do get upset, and to me it’s a disrespect because of what we have been through. He still feels that it’s just my jealousy, but I feel like I’m justified in my fight for a porn free marriage. So, before I watch any movie or show I go onto imdb.com and check out the parents guide. It gives details on the sex and nudity in almost every show/movie. If there is nudity, I simply don’t watch it. My husband has gotten upset with me over this (because he feels we can’t enjoy a movie together), and sometimes feels like I’m being “to Christan” but that is his sin and I just pray about it and let God work in his heart.
Although it can be frustrating to lead husbands away from sin, doing the Holy Spirit’s work can be rewarding – especially if you can justify divorcing him for his non-submission and take his house and kids.
I wonder why men are avoiding marriage and church? Men are missing out on all the benefits of growth.
You’re right, Vic. Wives should never confront husbands on their sin. Sapphira was right to listen to Ananias. James 5:19-20 only applies if you have a penis, as does Matthew 18:15-17.
Thank you for correcting me.
/Sarcasm off
I’m not sure I quite understand what you are saying. It seems to me that you are saying it’s okay to justify divorce if your husband refuses to submit to your wishes, whether his actions are sin or not. Is that correct? If so, there are much deeper issues at play in your marriage. If not, please correct my assumption.
Vic is being sarcastic. He’s saying that by telling women it’s okay to confront their husband’s sins I’m really telling them not to submit, and therefore I’m justifying divorce for women. He’s misreading everything I’ve written about marriage and advocating a view of marriage which is not biblical but which basically means that women can never speak up or advocate for what is right because otherwise they are sinning.
I think both of you are missing Vic’s point. He neither said nor implied that wives cannot “speak up or advocate for what is right.” What is objectionable is the idea that a submissive Christian wife (which SHOULD be a redundancy) gets to be the judge – always monitoring the level of her husband’s Christian walk – and then be both jury and executioner if she doesn’t feel that he measures up.
Should wives have input? Of course they should. Should they edify their husbands and help them walk more closely with God? Of course, and 1st Peter 3:1 explains how they can do that. Does she have the right to violate 1 Corinthians 7 and cut off sex (which is what you are advocating when you suggest separate sleeping arrangements) as a means of bringing pressure to bear? No.
I’m sorry, Lyn, I’m reading Vic’s post in relation to the about 150 comments I’ve deleted that are extremely rude. There’s been a launch sending men to this site about this particular post, and they’re all in the same vein. You just can’t see them.
Vic sometimes women have to divorce for non submission eg when a man is a repeat, non repentant cheat, or repeatedly extremely violent etc. Sadly we live in a world where adultery is no longer a criminal offense (so the law will not get involved) and where even extreme domestic violence is often not taken seriously (often again the law will not get involved), and sadly many churches don’t want to get involved in people’s “private” matters, so women are left with nothing but divorce as an option.
But as for taking the house and the kids? Maybe things are different where you are, but here even if you are fleeing a man who has tried to kill you in front of your kids and the reason he tried to kill you in front of your child is because you asked him to stop bashing your 5 year old child, he will still walk away with 100% of the assets and 50% of the custody and despite having a good job and the woman unable to work because of her injuries, him still not pay any child support. Welcome to the modern world.
The reason secular men avoid marriage is because they know they don’t have to “buy the cow when they get the milk for free” and so called christian men (not genuine christian men, but the ones who call themselves christian while being shallow and selfish) avoid marriage because they know society now sees women as equal just as Christ saw women as equals. It has nothing to do with lack of submission. The bible made it clear that women are equal to men. The command to submit is just one of many commands to submit to others who are still our equals. Submit to one another, submit to the church leadership, submit to the authorities, but always with the rider that a person doesn’t have to submit to commands to sin.
Questioning something is not the same as not submitting, nor is rallying to change something not submitting. How many christians are out there protesting unfair laws and edicts? It doesn’t mean we are not submitting, it just means we are following a just process of speaking up. eg one that a lot of my christian friends here in Australia are constantly involved in protests about is the treatment of asylum seekers. They submit to the government’s rulings, but they are very vocal about asking the government to change those rulings.
Speaking up and refusing to participate is not the same as non-submission.
[editor’s note: this actually could have been a helpful comment, but it was riddled with very derogatory terms for women that I will not have on my blog. If the person wants to resubmit the comment taking out the derogatory terms that’s fine. But I won’t have people using derogatory terms, or swear words for that matter, in the comments section.]
By the way, when I wrote,
“If you married an abuser, the chances are extremely high that you knew what kind of man he was and thought you could “tame” him,” I did not mean you in particular. I have no idea what your personal situation is. A better way to put it would have been, “If a person married an abuser, the chances are extremely high that he/she knew what kind of person he/she was and thought he/she could “tame” him/her.”
Proper grammar gets clunky sometimes.
Your blog, your rules. But for the record, I used two words to describe a real-life example to make a point. One of those words (and its derivatives) is found in the King James Version of the Bible 74 times. The other word I used is embraced by many women who practice that lifestyle themselves (they don”t call them “harlot-walks”). I did not use any swear words at all.
Since I did not make a copy of the post, I cannot edit it.
I want to stay positive with my comment here as I am a huge advocate of Christian marriage. That said, Shelia, we have a problem here.
The problem I have with posts like these is that you are motivating single Christian men to remain single which (in turn) creates more and more unhappy Christian women who never find husbands to support them. Any single Christian man who is contemplating marriage is now going to think twice (maybe three times) before saying “I do.” You placed doubt in his mind. No Christian man wants to marry a wife who instantly had “headship” over him in their marriage. That is what you are advocating, the wife takes “headship.” Instead, a Christian man wants (dare I say needs) a “helpmeet.” He already has a boss at work, why would he ever want to marry one and get a boss in his own home? The fact that you encourage women to threaten to divorce their husbands if they watch programming that you find offensive, in turn, destroys Christain marriage. There is no way to defend this. Look at our marriage rate Shelia, don’t you think this a serious problem?
I want to encourage my sons to find Christian wives and marry. I can’t be a good father and do that if your type of role reversal thinking here becomes mainstream Christain philisophy.
Thanks for your comment.
Are you saying that young Christian men won’t get married if they know that their wives are going to hold them to account if they sin? Are you saying that young Christian men only want to marry wives who will not hold them to account or confront them on sin? If so, then perhaps these young men aren’t really Christians?
Personally, I want my daughters to marry men who will totally call my daughters on it when they sin, and who will welcome my daughters’ input when they sin. And thankfully, my oldest daughter has found such a man, and there has been plenty of give and take in their relationship so far.
Maybe you need to see it this way: how many people in church would you advise your readers to go monitor in this manner? Would you want a pastor dictating to you which programs you may or may not watch on TV? Where you may or may not shop?
The fact is, it is disrespectful, to say the least, for any adult to be monitored the way you suggested. Whatever happened to treating an adult like an adult? And, remember, just because you found a program offensive does not necessarily make it sinful.
And, coming to think of it. Do you think if indeed a husband really wants to watch a TV program which his wife does not approve of, he will not find a way to watch it?
Oh, he’ll definitely find a way to watch it. But she can say, “not while I’m here, not while the kids are here.” She can set her own boundaries. Game of Thrones is porn, and I simply cannot believe that so many so called Christian men are supporting it. We have a porn epidemic in our churches, and until men start addressing that seriously–rather than blaming women for not being submissive–there is no way I can take this line of argument seriously.
Game of Thrones is not porn…not even close. Yes there is nudity, but it is a small part of the show and is unfair to equate it with x-rated content. Trust me…there’s a huge difference. There are many Christians who have no problem seeing an occasional nude body and I think it goes back to whether you are convicted or not. If you have a problem don’t watch it, but remember what is sin for one person may not be sin for another.
But if your SPOUSE has a problem with that, that matters. And if you’re wanting sex after getting aroused watching a show, that matters. That’s what we’re discussing here!
Johnston if a pastor could do it in a loving way and CORRECTLY labelled shows or shops or whatever as inappropriate for a christian, of course the pastor should “dictate” about these things. That’s exactly what is wrong with churches these days. They don’t speak up when people are sinning. In fact, my experience is churches tend to attack people who are doing nothing wrong, while saying nothing about those who are sinning. If pastors were willing to confront people about serious sin issues in their life, perhaps there would be a lot less broken relationships in the church.
In a perfect world everything you say is true. However, in today’s world, because of broken and media messed up people, We need to remember this…Jesus wants us where we are, he just doesn’t want us to stay that way. If a pastor lays out the law from the pulpit it may scare people away. In a small group, where the intimacy of life can be shared, would be a better way to address these issues. Build followers not just fans. I truly believe that people don’t know right from wrong anymore. Guidance through love is one answer.
As a Christian woman who has been happily married for 20 years, raised 2 Godly sons, and mentors other Christians in marriage, I can say that there is a great misunderstanding of this article. I read nothing about divorce justification. Although I don’t agree with sleeping separately because of a disagreement, I do believe in accountability. Scripture says that iron sharpens iron, I am called to be my husband’s helper, and that through God’s love we help in the sanctification of one another. I love my husband but I love God more. I am more concerned with the day my husband stands before God than whether he is happy with me. I am fortunate enough to be married to a man who accepts that God can speak to him through his wife and isn’t arrogant enough to think I can’t recognize sin. That being said, I would be in sin if I was arrogant enough to think that my sin is any better than his.
In the end, it’s all about treating each other with love and respect. I love him enough to not leave him in his sin. Just as Christ loves me enough to not leave me in mine. This in NO WAY means that I am in charge of my home.
Hopefully I’m not way out of line here, but these recent comments are troubling.
I may have missed it, but attempting to “punish” a spouse by sleeping separately (for watching a doofy TV show??) is creepy at best and indicative of deeper problems at worst. If I ever, one time, attempted to “punish” my wife (for whatever I judged her “sin” to be) by not sleeping in the same bed as her, she’d be horrified and devastated.
Seriously, do we just add to wedding vows: “For better or worse… unless you watch HBO dramas!!” Uh… maybe I’m a weirdo, but I’m thoroughly not threatened by dumb-dumb vampire shows (or Game of Thrones).
So you are okay if a wife is watching or reading programming that encourages a wife’s sin- say Oprah, or HGTV, Lifetime, and even your own website & books(I can find thousands & thousands- maybe millions- of christian men & women that would put their hand on a bible and say you are leading women away from biblical teaching) with him taking the kids and leaving? Or telling her she must sleep on the couch? I know you preach an egalitarian marriage but I can’t see you being okay with those things even if it makes the husband feel horrible and he can find scripture to support it & even churches that support it?
When have I EVER said any of that? You are raising a red herring. Are you saying that you support Game of Thrones? Spartacus? Rome? Tudors? These are pornographic, they are wrong, and they cannot be tolerated.
Hang on a second, Sheila. In this very thread (comment #11) a commenter who calls herself Cheryl wrote:
“what about if I am sitting right next to him watching True Blood and Game of Thrones with my husband??? and enjoying the show??”
Your reply was not to call her out, or tell her that she’s sinning by watching porn (as you said in response to comments #7 and #18 when you were addressing men watching those shows). Your reply to her was as follows:
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Sheila says:
February 25, 2015 at 2:42 pm
Everyone can choose to do what they want to do. We all have those choices. But I’d just encourage you to look closely at those shows and ask if that’s really helping your life–or if it’s distorting your image of what sexuality is.
_____
Either those things are sinful of they are not. You certainly are not telling women that they ought to ask their husbands to “look closely at those shows…” – you are telling them to lower the boom, including emotional blackmail, denial of sex, and kidnapping of their husband’s children (let’s call it what it is). If you really believed that watching those shows is problematic (and I would tend to agree with that assessment), then the standard of whether or not they are sinful cannot, and must not, be “Whether a woman is bothered by them.” That gives de factoheadship to the wife. The push-back you are getting is mostly because you are telling wives that the measure of whether their husbands need to be punished or threatened (by them, no less) is their own FEELINGS. Your response to Cheryl shows that you don’t really have much of a problem with the shows, per se, but rather that you have a problem with husbands doing things their wives don’t like, and are willing to call it sin when men do such things, but only something they should “look closely at” when women do them.
Point taken, Lyn! Thank you. The thing is that I have a lot of non-Christians on this site who comment–and when I reply to them I do try to take a different approach, because I’m trying to be effective. To tell someone who isn’t a Christian “that’s wrong and you can’t do it” doesn’t work. And I would say that probably 40% of my readers are NOT Christian.
If, however, I knew that the person was a Christian I would definitely call them out on it!
I’m very glad to hear you say that, but there’s another step we must take. You were unwilling to call watching those shows sin, or even porn, when a woman wrote in to say that she watches them. I understand your reasoning: you don”t know if she’s a Christian and playing the “Bible says” card doesn’t work if the person doesn’t recognize the authority of the Bible. Fair enough: I commend you for understanding the debate maxim that “appeals to authority” only work if the other party acknowledges the authority being appealed to (I wish more people understood it).
But nowhere in your article or in any of your responses do you extend the same courtesy to men who may not be Christians – or even married to non-Christian wives. You have been consistent (and rightfully so) in your criticism of the shows when men watch them… based on the fact that they are objectively bad. But if their “badness” is only sufficient for classifying them as sin and/or porn when a man is watching over his wife’s objections, then logic dictates that you think that their “degree of badness” is largely subjective, with the subjectivity based on the feelings of the wife. I’m sure that was not your intent, but whether intentionally or not, by doing so you have enthroned the wife’s feelings, giving her de facto headship. I’m a complementarian, but even within the most secular egalitarian marriage, giving one spouse veto power based on subjective feelings would be problematic. Whichever spouse is best at expressing his/her emotions (usually her) therefore gets to be the final arbiter of what may or may not happen in the home.
I’m sure that is not what you are advocating, but I see no other logical “destination” based on your stated reasoning.
That’s a good point, Lyn, and I would say that if you’re married to a non-Christian it is much more difficult. They don’t share the same moral code or “appeal to authority”, so you can’t just come down hard. That’s why unequally yoked marriages are so tough.
Perhaps I emphasized feelings too much in the post, but what I was really meaning (and I used shorthand for it) was this: if you talk about the TV show you get into a debate about whether or not it’s porn, and you really can’t win. You’ll go around and around and get nowhere. And too often that’s what couples do. They debate the merits of the show and it’s ridiculous.
Instead, talk about how you’re feeling.
If that still doesn’t work, then you do need to take more drastic steps, even for his sake.
“You can talk about getting rid of the book, or you can talk about removing yourself (and perhaps the children) from the premises when she chooses to read these books.
Alternatively, you can say, “On the nights that you read these books, I would ask that you also sleep separately from me.It hurts me to be near to you when you have treated me this way, and when you are close to me afterwards, I have no way of knowing if you are thinking about me or thinking about the person in the book. I love sleeping next to you and I want to sleep next to you always, but I can’t sleep when you are doing something like this.” ”
I’d love to see the reaction of women on this site (or in Church, or on countless other sites) if a husband gave the ultimatum above to his wife reading 50 shades (100 million sales & counting) or one of its multitudinous derivatives (not to mention the 50 shades lite of nearly every Harlequin or Mills & Boon book published these days). These books account for over $1 billion in sales (sin sales?) in the US alone every year. I note that at least one commenter above has mentioned the “NO visual component” mitigation defense, but in reality you cheat in your heart every time you imagine someone other than your partner with you in bed (or on a horse/ship/castle/magical kingdom far, far away). I’ve never met a woman who didn’t lap these up at some point in a relationship as a “guilty secret”. Sheila, can you honestly say that you haven’t? (Oh, but my little books were far more innocent. Just standard Harlequin fare. Nothing to worry about there……or something).
I’ve spoken out very firmly against 50 Shades of Grey in about a dozen posts, and I would certainly advocate husbands take a similar approach as I recommended here to wives–and I would venture to think that most women here would agree with me.
So if my wife buys 50Shades, I should leave with the kids, and not come back until she gets rid of the book?
As I said, if your wife has just read the book and wants to have sex, then that is a different story. She is aroused at that time BECAUSE OF THE BOOK, not because of you. And she is indulging in fantasy. This really is pretty basic, is it not? I’m not saying that a woman should withhold sex; I’m saying that she should tell him that I’m not going to have sex with you after you watch another woman naked. I’m not sure why that’s so controversial.
My use of “NO visual component” (my words in earlier comment) was not meant as a defense, it was meant as a point of comparison. Porn for some seems to mean “visual”….my point was that it encompasses much more than that.
So what about a husband looking at images of almost naked women online? My hubby will click on the ads coming from Yahoo or the like showing sexy models and women in tiny bikinis. You know, Victoria Secret and Sports Illustrated type images. It makes me very insecure, even though I know he thinks I am sexy too. He is very sneaky about it. He doesn’t go searching for these things, but will click on images of these women if they are on the front page of Yahoo or whatever. I have not called him out on it because I feel like he would think I was being creepy for looking at the history of the web browser. How can I bring it up without sounding like a untrusting creep for having looked at the internet history?
He does know that when he oogles at other women wearing almost nothing it makes me sad. I have told him how it makes me feel when he makes a comment like “Ooo wow,” when he sees a sexy woman lustfully flaunting her assets on TV. But I don’t know if he cares. He is just more sneaky about it now. Also, I am just grateful he isn’t looking at porn (but I myself consider these things almost as bad since they can lead to worse things). I just need advice because I feel like I may be over reacting. But It really hurts! I’m very confident in myself, but I still feel terrible about this
Hi KayKay, that’s really rough! It sounds like one of your big issues is that you don’t have transparency: you don’t know what he does online so you have to check up on him; he doesn’t know you’re doing this; and you haven’t told him how you feel. You did tell him about how you feel when he looks at other women, but he doesn’t seem to respond.
You simply need to get this out in the open–tell him that you feel as if you can’t trust him, and you feel disrespected, and this is really harming your intimacy and your marriage and you want more. Ask him if he thinks it’s appropriate to look at other women. And ask him how he thinks you should trust him again. What in his behaviour shows that he is trustworthy?
I think you need to talk about how to build trust and intimacy rather than the actual infraction, because arguing about things like that really get you nowhere. You just end up arguing about whether or not it’s as bad as porn and you go around in circles. The bigger issue is how do you build trust and intimacy, and does he agree that’s important?
And if he really doesn’t, then you likely need to bring in a mentor couple to talk to you and walk you through this, because it is a big issue, and you may need someone else to look at it with you!
Thank you for your thoughtful advice. I guess you are correct that I don’t trust him and don’t have transparency. I just hate making him mad. It’s nice to know I am not totally overreacting though. Looking at women who are almost naked in NOT okay. I grew up with brothers who ALWAYS looked away because they knew it drives the spirit of God away when viewed in that sinful way. But anyway, when you say a mentor couple, what do you mean by that? It sounds helpful.
Regarding “mentor couples”: be VERY cautious about that. Men may counsel men, and women may teach and advise women in certain circumstances (Titus 2: 4-5 spells it out), but the idea that couples should council couples is fraught with peril, especially if it is initiated by the wife to “fix” the husband. I’m not saying DON’T EVER do it (I’m not sure how often mixed-sex couples counseling is the best answer, but at an absolute minimum it should only happen if you both agree to it – including which subjects are off-limits, which you MUST respect)… but it’s not something I would recommend lightly. It’s probably preferable for you to talk to him about your issues yourself, and/or suggest that he may want to establish accountability with another man.
As you can probably tell, I’m pretty passionate about this, so you may assign whatever weight to that you want, but here’s why.. I grew up as preacher’s kid (PK, for short). My dad had a very bad habit of announcing “family problems” from the pulpit involving my brother and me: for some reason he felt the need to “come clean” about his family to the congregation occasionally. He would be vague, but even so, one of the few regrets I have from my childhood is that I didn’t just walk out of the sanctuary the first time he did it. I have forgiven him, but I can tell you that when someone airs your “dirty laundry” in front of others, it is a VERY serious form of betrayal. For a wife to go to another couple and talk about what she views as her husband’s “problems” to another man – or especially another woman in a leadership/counselor role, is likely to backfire in a most spectacular fashion. If you do it without his permission he would have good cause to accuse you of a betrayal far worse than anything you’re accusing him of, and he would be justified in demanding that YOU take strong steps to earn HIS trust in the future. Whatever you do, don’t initiate anything behind his back.
Your advice to withhold sex if a husband watches boobs on tv contradicts what was said in a comment thread last week:
“Matt B
February 23, 2015
If he is avoiding intercourse then he is selfish. Then its all about him and his needs. I think you should put a stop to servicing him and tell him that if that’s all you are to him then he can take care of his own needs. I can also take it a step further by saying that he is sinning against you and God by denying you intercourse.
Sheila
February 23, 2015
Very blunt–and very true!”
Josh, in the first instance when I was replying to Matt it was simply about a woman denying a man sex. In this instance it is about a man sinning and the sin impacting their sex life and having to be addressed. And I never said a woman SHOULD absolutely do this. I’m saying that she has many options, it depends upon her situation, and she should pray about it and seek counsel.
But yes, if a guy is undermining intimacy this absolutely needs to be dealt with. If a guy is getting himself aroused looking at naked women, and then expecting his wife to service him, he is the one with the problem, not her.
One more thing: to the dozens and dozens of men who have left over-the-top comments on this thread that I have deleted–rather than putting all of your energy yelling at women who are telling wives that it is okay to confront sin, perhaps you’d be better off putting some of that energy into helping men overcome a porn problem? When porn is as huge an issue in the church as it is today, maybe we all should be looking at how to defeat it, rather than yelling loudly, “women need to stop confronting men about porn because then they’re not being submissive!” Which do you think is more biblical–to confront sin and try to stop it, or to keep your mouth shut and enable it? What, after all, did Jesus do?
Sheila,
I think you would agree that porn is just as much a problem for women in the church as for men. The pornography just takes a different medium (i.e. 5o shades of grey/romance novels/daytime soaps rather than naked women). Plus, nowhere in Scripture are women given authority to deny sex as punishment or to help convict the husband of his sin. This is a case where bad theology and a faulty reading of Scripture is tearing apart Christian marriages.
Joyce
Joyce, I’ve honestly written the same thing about women–I’ve written so many posts against 50 Shades of Grey I was getting redundant!
The Bible only speaks about not denying one another sex in 1 Corinthians 7. Yet we read a lot into those verses. Do you really think that Paul would say: If your husband is getting aroused by watching porn you should have sex with him? Or if your wife is reading 50 Shades of Grey first to get aroused you should then satisfy her? That would be enabling lust and sin, something we are NEVER to do.
There is so much in the Bible about how to confront people in sin and how to bring people back to the fold and how not to ENABLE sin. I think too often some of the faulty teaching we’re hearing is that “you should confront–unless, of course, you’re a wife, and then you should keep silent”, or “you should never deny sex, even if someone is engaging in serious lust issues.” Jesus and Paul both called people on sin, and that is what we are to do as wives, too. That’s part of being a helpmeet, and, as James Dobson once wrote, if our spouse is endangering the marriage, we don’t just “be nice” so that we’ll win them back. We draw a line in the sand and say, “Love must be tough.” In the end, counselors have found that setting clear boundaries saves many marriages. Enabling someone else to continue in sin and to cross your boundaries does not. The book Boundaries in Marriage explains this really well using a very biblical framework, and I recommend it highly.
Or, to put it another way, I think people are focusing on the law and not the spirit of the law, just like Matthew 12:1-14. Technically in the two stories there the Pharisees were correct–it was wrong to heal on the Sabbath or to gather food on the Sabbath. But Jesus turned it all around and said that it was grace and people who mattered–it was doing right and helping others. I fail to see how having sex with someone after they have deliberately watched other people naked and having sex is helping anyone, even if it obeys the letter of the law in 1 Corinthians 7. Given all that Paul wrote about sexual immorality, I’m sure that if he were writing in the modern context he would come down very heavily on those who would use pornography and then expect their wives to have sex. I think we should deal with the root sin issues here, too.
Sheila, under what circumstances is it OK for a man to withhold sex from his wife?
How about withholding other things from her? Suppose she’s a stay-at-home mom, and he comes home to find out she’s spent the last 10 hours on Facebook/Pintrest instead of taking care of the household — is it OK for him to withhold his paycheck temporarily?
I’m really curious as to why so many of you (and I’ve deleted dozens) don’t get this basic concept: having sex with someone when they have become aroused by watching porn/nudity on TV/reading 50 Shades of Grey is enabling sin.
You are raising all these red herrings that are not the same thing.
If Jesus were here, and a guy was aroused after watching Game of Thrones and wanted to have sex with his wife, do you honestly think Jesus would tell her to?
Do you honestly think that’s what Paul meant in 1 Corinthians 7–if your husband has been lusting, and you’re there, you should feed the lust rather than confront the lust? Does that make any sense at all?
I cannot speak for anyone else, but I will note that there’s a difference in the way Jesus sometimes confronted sin and the way Paul tells wives to deal with even unbelieving husbands:
“You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell?” – Matthew 2:33 (NIV) as compared to:
In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. – 1 Peter 3: 1-2 (NIV).
At the risk of repeating myself for other readers: I am NOT suggesting that a Christian wife may not speak or point out where she thinks her Christian husband is in sin, but that nagging and “punishing” do not seem to be legitimate weapons in her arsenal for combating such error.
Please be very, very, VERY careful in what you advocate withdrawing affection and closeness for. I can see explaining that I might not wish to have sex right after my spouse watches porn or something like it, but to totally throw them out of the bedroom, make them physically separate from me, to avoid even touching them in any manner?
To me that drives a wedge that damages just as much or even more, and one might wish to be very very careful about deciding to do something that reinforced detachment and coldness.
I agree Kitty, (sorry Sheila I hate to disagree). My concern is that throwing them out of the bedroom has two effects, both negative. The first being that many men will see it as “confrontational” rather than “gently confronting in love” and it will drive many men to doing the sinful behaviour more not less. While it is the husband’s choice to act this way and sin more, a loving wife should want her actions to inspire her husband to sin less not more. I have had this same problem with my husband and his excessive gaming being “confrontational” only pushes him to do it more even though he is well aware it is wrong and hurting the whole family. Doing nothing though is not a solution either as the sinful behaviour continues. But there is a third option – confronting the sin without being “confrontational”. It’s not easy, but there are usually ways to do it. In my situation, with the excessive gaming (to the point where he is missing work, neglecting the kids while he’s looking after them etc) I have made the suggestion of getting a male mentor to help guide him through how to be a Godly husband and father – me not criticising individual sinful behaviour but rather offering something that will help him grow in his walk with God and in his relationship with me and the kids.
My second worry with cutting off intimacy as a response to watching inappropriate tv shows is that most men have what they consider “needs”. If their sexual “needs” are being cut off for watching a tv show, eventually what will most men do? Sadly many will turn to another woman to have their “needs” met. Again, while this is the man’s sin, as cheating for any reason is not acceptable, why push a person we are supposed to love with all our heart, to the point where he feels like he has to sin? I’m not condoning men who cheat at all. But I personally wouldn’t be doing anything that may push my husband to the point of wanting to sin.
Good point, Butterflywings. 1 Corinthians 7 is pretty clear that regular sex within marriage is REQUIRED to lessen the temptation to sin. Even if we take the assertion that wives and husbands OWE each other sex in the least-binding way possible, verse 5 shows that abstaining from sex DIRECTLY contributes to extra-marital sexual temptation.
I read an analogy the other day that stuck with me: if you force a man to starve, don’t be surprised if he thinks about food all the time.
Yes, but there is a huge difference in withholding sex so that he is tempted by porn, and having him watch porn and then want sex. I’ve written before about whether or not we can cause someone to sin, and I definitely believe that when we withhold sex we open our husbands up to temptation. But that is a completely different thing from REINFORCING a temptation or a sin by letting him use you after he has aroused himself elsewhere.
Sheila,
This may surprise you, but I tend to agree with that in concept. I just hate the trend among some segments of the church to push all the blame in one direction only, or to act as though issues as complex as sex and specifically sex-within-Christian-marriage are clear cut issues involving “completely depraved” sinners and “completely innocent” victims. We’re all sinners, or at least sinners saved by Grace.
For what it’s worth, I don’t let men off the hook any more than I do women, but the trend of our age is to assign “villain” status to men and “victim” status to women whenever there is a conflict, and then insist that wives have authority that they are denied in scripture to punish their “erring husbands.” (And ONLY wives – if husbands did the sorts of things to their wives that even Christian leaders suggest wives should do their husbands, they would be accused of being at least neglectful, probably abusive… and possibly jailed.) That mindset is both unfair toward men and infantilizing toward women. I don’t see that as an improvement over the obverse mindset: that women are too weak to have volition and men are always correct. Neither stands up to everyday observation or scripture.
I understand that you are not advocating either one of those positions, but the former is fairly common in our laws (see the Duluth Model, or “Primary Aggressor” laws, for example), and in our churches.
Anyway, like I said, I agree that withholding sex to get one’s way and being disgusted by sinful conduct are different in concept.
I’d like to a responses to the hurting women like Kay Kay and myself. While I totally see the significance in replies to people not understanding I feel that answers to hurting women are just as important. Please validate them too.
Sorry, Anonymous! Just replied. I often leave those comments for a little bit because usually my readers jump in, but this time I guess people didn’t. I can’t reply to everything, and often comments come through when I’m away from the computer and I don’t see them.
I haven’t even read the article yet but just wanted to say that is the PERFECT stock photo to accompany it! LOL. Where did you even find that?
thinkstockphotos.com! I like it, though some are complaining that the couple is too old. 🙂 I just thought it was cute!
So glad I finally got to read this article! Sadly, I’m in the same position here. The biggest trouble with us is that before I truly became a Christian, we both would act in these kinds of ungodly and sinful behaviors together. Watch any tv programs and movies no matter what they contained. Now, I don’t want any part of it, but my husband still continues and doesn’t see the problem. It’s just TV and in a way he’s right. Our culture has been conditioned to see this as the norm. This type is of watching is not all the time, but if he has heard that “good” movie is coming out he’ll see it. Wolf of Wall Street? My husband didn’t see this as pornographic but a movie portraying how “crazy” the main character’s life was. I’ve brought up complaints in the past, but he says he can see a naked woman on TV and not think/react in any sexual way. Could he be telling the truth?? I can’t ‘prove’ it one way or another because I can’t get into his head. We are having some major troubles right now because of the road I’m taking alone. He says he “did not sign up for that.” Sheila, a post that mismatched spiritual spouses would be much appreciated!
My husband says the same thing. A naked woman is no big deal. And he isn’t aroused or affected sexually. I said the same thing as you. Could he be telling the truth? It’s sad that nakedness is not special or reserved for the married bedroom anymore. I am grieving over this extramarital nudity and sex scenes in my marriage.
On another note, it is time to leave your place of worship when the pastor finds no harm or fault in the shows and openly watches them.
Also, he was confronted about it, and in turn became rude and defensive.
My Fiancé watches Game of Thrones and states it “Is the best show ever made” I had not watched the show prior to getting involved with my now fiancé.. After watching a few episodes I began to notice how much female graphic nudity and violent sexual situations (mainly rape) there was and it made me VERY uncomfortable and started to hack away at my self confidence. He really wanted this to be something we watched together but, I just feel disgusted by the extreme amount of graphic sex and mainly female full frontal nudity and very realistic sex scenes. I have expressed my feelings and he basically says he’ll watch what he wants.. Regardless of my feelings.. He is a self proclaimed Christian and I tried to appeal to him as watching this is a sin…to no avail. He also watches a lot of movies that contain female nudity and if I say anything it’s because I have issues and I have self confidence issues.. What he doesn’t get is I never had issues with how he feels about me or anything until all of this. Its becoming a real issue because he just is not going to stop.. If you’re reading this please pray that he sees the errors of his ways and sees that he is hurting me when he watches these types of movies and shows. Also any advice you can give me would be GREATLY appreciated.
-Jenn
You are not married yet so you have to decide what you can live with for the rest of your or his life. It seems he is unlikely to change.
I suggest telling him exactly how you feel about him watching these things, how you feel about the graphic sex and nudity in films these days, and what you believe according to God’s Word.
If he doesn’t care or doesn’t agree, suggest counseling together to resolve this. If he refuses counseling or after counseling nothing changes, then it is time to decide whether or not you want to be married to a man such as that.
Personally, I believe viewing lewdness is sin.
I just read the article on the husband watching nudity. I feel the same way or worse. I am bothered by cheerleaders with their boobs out and butts during football games on TV. I am bothered by most tv shows because there is too much to be seen. I am definitely bothered by magazines in supermarkets, and other stores, and wear nothing on the beach. My husband just accepts this as that’s the way it is. He does not take my feelings into consideration. He gets real angry especially about football games. After he sees nudity elsewhere, then I feel our relationship isn’t special. I am also bothered that only he initiates sex. We can only be intimate when he wants. I pray about it. But it hurts, I don’t see naked men or care to. To me it’s all private
And I forgot to add that I also dislike opening the computer. Whether you want to see things or not they are there. They are off to the side or just the main attraction. Just going into a pro football site, it’s there. Some may think its insecurity. I was never like this. Now because everything is out there and he just accepts it I have a very poor body image.
Rosa, enticing women are everywhere and have been throughout history. This is why the Bible devotes many passages to men to guard themselves, to avoid sin, and that looking to lust is adultery. Unfortunately, many men find every gray area, loophole, and excuse to indulge and I agree that westerners have largely decided that idle entertainment is their right and privilege and it is ok to dump garbage into their temples (where Christ dwells in them) so long as they don’t specifically watch it for that.
Men have a huge responsibility to make a covenant with their eyes, see all women as God’s created daughters, and treat them with respect and human dignity.
The mere fact that these tv shows and movie producers diliberately exploit women to take in the cash SHOULD make our Christian men cringe. Unfortunately, too many hearts are hardened.
Even if they cut out all the sex and nudity in Game of Thrones, I don’t think I could stomach it. It is just a visually stunning glorification of human baseness and sin while those in it laugh their way to the bank and Satan revels in his success with it.
Hi Sheila and All
I want to thank everybody here that has posted. I believe that between you all you guys are saving my marriage. I have been so very alone with all this for several years now, to the point that it has made me very very poorly. But after finding your site I have been putting in place the principles you guys are promoting here. Already, in just a very short space of time, things are changing around here. My husband has told me he now sees the devastating effect all this has had on me and he has promised that the changes he is making will be forever. I want to believe him, and kind of do actually, but my heart, it is still very tender from all this. I honestly never thought we would have any of this kind of suffering in our marriage
Both of us are under extreme stress because of family illness and such. Our time is took up with so much demanding stuff. But all I can tell you as hard as things are for us, this with the TV sex thing has been for me the most difficult thing for me to deal with and it is the one thing I am finding incredibly difficult to come to terms with. But finally, as I have said, now that I am doing what you guys are talking about, for the very first time, in such a long time, I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel
God bless you all
Love Joanne
Thank you so much for posting this! It’s exactly what I am going through. When I see my husband watching such scenes in shows, movies, youtube, even playstation games it offends me for many reasons. It is a sin against God, it sets a horrible example for our son and makes me feel like I am not good enough or attractive enough. He is not even embarrassed about it! I will try to implement some of the advice I’ve read here today and God willing I will find a way to settle this within my self before I can help my husband with his sin.
My husband IS the pastor and watches many shows that I deem inappropriate even with our 3 daughters who are now 18, 15 and 13. I asked him about Game of Thrones after your post. I showed him your article and he still refuses to admit/accept it. I have for many years now just left the living room to be alone because I don’t like the violence or the sick comedies that are on. I would rather not have any tv in our home but at least we are down to one. This is a big battle for us and I have given up
Thank you so much for posting this article, Sheila. I am going through the same thing. My husband became a Christian while we were dating, in summer of 2014, and we married summer 2015. I have seen him keep going back to his old ways more and more, of zoning in on women on tv, movies and in public, to where he is in a world of his own. And it hurts so much and I see him pull away from God and me. He gets so mad if I even act unhappy about it.
I only recently found this site, so I am finding articles for the first time, even though they are not new. I must say, I love your advice here. My wife and I are on the same page when it comes to nudity in movies. We refuse to have HBO and similar channels, largely because of this issue. Most men are not just visual, we are very, very visual. I’ll be blunt. I don’t believe the husband of this wife is truly looking away. And that image will likely stay in his mind. Men need to guard and protect ourselves from these images. They are not harmless, but lead down a path of darkness, just as the prostitute in the book of Proverbs. It is easy to accept society’s view and say it isn’t all that bad, but I believe we need to look to God’s word first and foremost. He designed us and knows what is best for us. As an added bonus, if this woman’s husband would agree to stop watching such shows simply to honor his wife, one can only imagine how she might respond, and the sexual fire that can be started when she sees her husband valuing her more than any TV show.
Totally agree! It can be so difficult for wives when they think that their husbands WANT to look at other women. I’m glad you found my site!
Thanks so much for the reply, and thank you for standing on God’s word. Yes, your site has been a blessing to both my wife and I.
Obviously I have some strong opinions on many of the topics you discuss. I ask that you will let me know if I come across too strong.
I honestly think that this obsession with your husband or wife never looking at another naked body seems much more like a severe insecurity on your own part. The truth is that this is the real world, not some sheltered bubble. You will see nudity and sex. The human body is not something that is offensive or something that must always be covered in shame. It’s just part of life. Also, just because there is nudity on tv doesn’t mean your husband is listing over the other women. I have a news flash for you, if your husband lusts after a a random naked women on tv, then he will be picturing clothed women naked as well. I promise you that. If someone likes to watch a show that happens to have nudity, get over it. Maybe see a therapist because you sound like you have some very unhealthy body issues.
When I share with my husband how much it hurts me when he watches movies that have nudity in them, he tells me that I’m the one who needs to go to counseling so that I’m not so self conscious. It truly breaks my heart for him to look at that kind of stuff.
As I have said any comment why would a man want to see another woman nude anyway? That is the question that a man should answer because all he should be Desiring is his wife. And honestly it really does make the difference in the bedroom to where the woman the wife does not feel secure and even knowing that their husband would want to look upon another woman besides the Lord did not design us to carry that in her our hearts.
he designed us for one man and he designed a man for one woman .it is normal to feel that feeling of hurt. What’s worse is when you’re husband tells you that he’s attracted to you but couldn’t help himself when looking at these women and hates to himself while doing it. but yet couldn’t stop at the same time but says he’s not an addict because he did it sporadically throughout marriage.
If you’re going to ask your husband to give up something that he loves (not that he loves nudity, but some form of nudity is present in a great many movies and tv shows) than the wives should be willing to give up something they love in return as well. This would show how serious you are (maybe its Facebook, Pinterest or maybe social media entirely). However, if you’re not willing to do that and claim that because what they’re doing is sin and they need to be called on it that could be a slippery slope. There are churches here in my hometown where women are not allowed to wear pants because it’s considered sinful because it tempts men to lust. In just a quick search on the internet I discovered many blogs from people who felt that if you work in the medical field you should not treat anyone from the opposite gender…that it’s sinful. I even found interviews with doctors and nurses to back up their assertion. More than one doctor said that when he was examining women who extremely good looking it was hard for him to remain professional; there were hospital nurses who said that it was common for them to talk amongst themselves about the physical “attributes” of some of their male patients. This may sound wild and extreme but when you want people called out for their sin where are you going to draw the line?
Hi James,
That’s a good point–but there’s a huge difference between looking at someone nude in a medical context because it’s your job, and CHOOSING to watch nude scenes depicting rape and incest. I just think that if you were to ask the question, WWJD, there would be no question that he would not watch Game of Thrones. If he were a nurse, though, I think he would treat someone of the opposite gender. I do think we’re comparing apples and oranges here.
In what way does Game of Thrones meet the requirements of Philippians 4–whatever is pure, noble, good, think about such things? I agree that we are all hypocrites when it comes to how we spend our free time to some extent or the other, but just because all of us are hypocrites doesn’t really mean that one can justify watching graphic, nude depictions of incest and rape.
The simple question of why would you want to look at another woman nude is a good question to ask a husband. My husband and I were married for 10 years on November 17th. And last year was a rough year finding out that he was hiding and deleting his history on this phone And all along through these years I would cover his eyes and say I don’t want you to look at that it makes me sad and uncomfortable and not loved and he would say “oh ,I’m not looking at that I don’t want to see anyone but you. “Come to find out he had seen more than those few seconds that pop up on movies or love scenes. I realized that he had a history that I didn’t know about and has been looking at women nude for a long time and all along I never knew that he had this issue it has destroyed our marriage because I have given him children and I give him my life trusting him and believing the vows we took ,” forsaking all others”. Apparently we did not have the same mind although he truly looked innocent all these years it confuses me and scares me of what else he can do in the sneaky kind of way. I still can’t get it, and the trust has been broken
Hi Sisters I thought I was the only one and finally found women whom share my pain I was engaged to a men whom wss obsessed with Game oh Thrones. Before we we’re engaged We live in 2 diffrent cities 7 hours of drive apart he always hung up tje phone for his FAVOURITE SHOW then I found out at his house tjat it was Games of Thrones which for me is pornographic no question asked.
We never got married he couldn’t accept letting it go we tried turning off the tv and fastfowarding but he was depressed without his porn so I told him I couldn’t live like this.
It’s hurtful and it was always a pain in my mind I had become paranoid each time he was in front of the TV amd it was too much.
I still deal with trauma which caused me to ne very insecure, I hate TV and always thought these naked woman were better than me thats how these behaviours make us feel.
Thank you all for comments I am relieved.
Hi everybody,
I’ve read most if not all of the comments and I appreciate everyone’s opinion and input, somewhere out there there’s someone taking your advice into consideration, so thank you and God bless you.
Only need to put one thing across, dear ladies, I am deeply sorry that you feel that way about your men watching nudity and i don’t condone it too, since it has an effect on how you feel about yourself, no one should ever live like that. I however would like to point out that men also have insecurities too, such as, when a commercial comes on and it’s mostly men with perfect bodies, or good cars or certain color or height or money or power or education or talent etc.
We feel less too when our lady sees that, we feel like failures in life, in our visual minds we see our women yelling to us that we’re NOT IT, and they’re wanting out.
But that’s just how life is. Most men love their ladies so much, but have that urge to watch something that their lady wouldn’t condone and or vice versa.
Again am so sorry you feel this way, but communicate with each other, he has his feelings too and wants you to know about them but deep down he doesn’t think they’re big compared to yours, so he’ll try to fight on his own.
Love one another, God Be with you always.
This is a huge issue with us. My husband admitted to watching “soft porn” (which is an excuse for “porn” to make it more palatable) before we married. He “repented” because he knew my first husband had a porn addiction.
Fast forward 21 years…. He says that if him watching a TV show or movie with nudity bothers me, that is my problem. I have tried telling him how I feel degraded, etc. He says he can’t help my insecurity. He at one point told me that he just watches these things after I go to bed, etc. since it “bothers you so much”. He is an IT manager, so he knows how to delete his history, change the settings on Netflix, etc.
We have an adopted daughter, who is 13 and very curvy – she is often mistaken for 16. He spends every evening in her room, talking to her before she goes to sleep. Until I threatened to call Children’s Services, the lights were always off and the door barely ajar. When we watch a movie for family night, they lie on the couch together, and I could go on and on. He won’t let her brothers do that, however. He says parents have a different set of rules.
I know I’m straying from the point of this discussion, but I don’t know what to do. He kicked me out earlier this year after a particularly heated argument, but wouldn’t let the children (ages 15, 13, and 11) go with me, so I apologized so I could come back. I don’t feel as if I can leave again now.
Sorry for the rant.
Oh, Rebecca, that sounds so awful!
First and foremost, you are a mom. And your first job is to protect your daughter. If you have any suspicion that something is going on, anything at all, you have to talk to her. You absolutely have to. Or if you don’t think she would talk to you, but you know she’s really close to a friend’s mother, ask that friend’s mother to talk to her. You must let her know that whatever she says she is safe. And you simply must say that being in the bedroom with her with the door barely open and the lights off is not acceptable now that she is beyond puberty, and being on the couch like that is not acceptable. And if he can’t deal with that, then you do need to get children’s services involved, because you are sensing that there is a problem with your children.
I would also advise getting a lawyer who can help you figure out what to do. You have rights, too–he can’t just say the kids can’t come with you. Please don’t let him say these things and believe them. Find out for yourself. There are often free legal aid numbers you can call in your community. Or you can talk to a women’s shelter and ask what your rights are. But your first job is to protect your kids, and if you’re having suspicions, that’s valid. Don’t ignore those.
Wow! I thought I was alone here! I don’t enjoy my husband having to watch all these naked women either. But I am quiet when it comes up now because we have had ugly fights over this issue. Now I just suffer im silence. There was once a time I just covered his eyes when a woman was revealing her breasts and he got so angry and said I was behaving like Saudis LOL
He says it doesn’t affect him. I want to believe that. But it still hurts cos he used to enjoy porn b4 marriage, and told me lesbian porn was his favourite. So I find it hard to believe that he doesn’t mind the flashes of boobs on TV. I don’t think he has a right to tell me to how to dress when he thinks it’s ok for him to watch these women! He does believe in Jesus and prays to God though he isn’t baptized and he is Hindu by birth! So I do not know how to tell him that it is immoral!
I did have insecurities initially in our relationship and jealousy but im proud to say,that has changed 3.5yrs in!
But this issue is something im suffering with 🙁
I think I will try again to make him understand, and leave it to God!
I would be curious about how my husband, or others, would react if we were watching Game of Thrones together when a sex scene comes on, if I were to start master-bating or getting all hot and bothered. Would it make him uncomfortable? Would I get my point across? What if I started watching a compilation of GOT sex scenes in our bedroom and him walk in. Would it get the point across? Why are we just expected to accept that this is ok behavior and why is there literally nothing we can do without us being called prudes? I look at it this way…. you want to disrespect me in our home and watch that garbage, I’m going to use your money to buy me something that makes me feel better 😂🤣 so every Sunday, I order something for me 🤣😂
I’ve seen movies that allowed vaginas to be shown. But I have NEVER seen a movie that showed a mans naked penis. It’s kind of terrible.
There’s no male nudity in movies and that’s very unequal. If women are made to be some type of sexual item then so should men. The movie industry is pretty sexist. I’m not saying this because I want to see a lot of penis but because you see full nudity of women in almost all movies nowadays but you only see a guys ass or just in underwear. That’s just totally unfair
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Although I do understand and agree with this article for the most part, there is a huge part of me inside screaming, “No! Why should we have to baby a man to be respected or coddle him into the idea of respecting us? ” No. I’m tired of bending my life around what is going to make a man feel better about doing what he SHOULD already be doing anyway.
I have talked to and often argued with my husband about him watching shows and movies with nudity, sex, and sexual violence. He does not watch those shows for that content, and every time those scenes come up he says he skips them, and I believe him. But it still makes me uncomfortable that he watches shows and movies that have that content, even if he does skip it, because he’s flipping a coin on whether a scene with nudity or sex will pop up. Whenever we fight about it he says that he just grew up watching a movie without worrying about the content. I’ve asked him to looked up the age rating content of movies and shows so that he knows whether it should be watched or not, but he rarely does. But the problem is even if he skips those scenes, he’s still going to end up seeing a short part of the scene before he is able to skip it. He’s risking being caught off guard by those scenes and seeing things that are sinful. We are both Christian and we both believe that lust and watching nudity/sex is wrong. But no matter what I do or say, he still watched movies and shows that have that content. I don’t know what to say to him, because I’ve told him why it makes me uncomfortable, but he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong because he skips these scenes.
Finally other women think like I do. I think the scenes should be removed or filmed in a different way without nudity on TV.