Teens will invariably ask questions about sex. Are you prepared?
Today on Top 10 Tuesday guest poster Rajdeep Paulus joins us to share the questions she’s had from her teens about sex! Personally, the worst question I had was from my daughter Katie, who wanted to know, “How long does he have to leave it in for?” Let’s just say conversations are often awkward–but it’s so important to leave the lines of communication open! Here’s Raj:
I’m a big advocate of communication when it comes to parenting, and when you come from a culture that didn’t talk about certain things, and you look back and wonder if things had been different if you had talked about the tougher topics with your parents, there’s one thing you can do about it. Change things when it comes to talking to your own children. And I think most parents would agree that they’d rather have their teens ask them then go to their peers or some on line website that might not tell the whole story or tell our kids how to put the delicate information in context of God’s plan for their sexuality. It’s a much more complicated topic than just abstinence vs. experimenting, and our teens need to hear the truth from us, well before they enter serious dating relationships and move forward to wedding days. I’m blessed to have a great relationship with my girls at this point, and they seem comfortable enough to talk to me about things. I tease them every once in awhile about who they have a crush on, and they all know that mom chased down a boy in fourth grade and kissed him, so they know mom’s not someone who doesn’t “get it,” sort-a-speak.
Here are the questions that have come up in the last few years with my firstborn who is now fourteen. Usually after we’ve had some heart to heart about something else. Often when we’re driving somewhere. And always when it’s just the two of us.
The First Ten Questions Your Teen Might Ask About Sex
1. What does it mean “to try?”
When my teen was a tween, she overheard hubby and I chatting with newlywed friends of ours that were trying to start a family. When the kids streamed into the living room, we began to talk in code and assumed the kids weren’t paying attention. Until later when my then eleven-year old asked me, “What did Uncle J. and Aunty M. mean when they said, ‘They were trying to have a baby?’”
I took a deep breath, knowing that my response could end the conversation or open up the door to many more questions. “What are you really asking? What do you want to know?”
And then she said, “Well, what does it mean to try?”
And then we had our first conversation that involved a lot of pauses and, “Does that make sense?” and “What else do you want to know?”
2. Do you have to take off all your clothes?
I thought this was a cute question. I still recall this walk hubby and I took on Devon Street in Chicago a week before our wedding. We were buying garlands and found some nice ones that looked like they were made of real flowers, and Sun turned to me while holding the garland in the air and said, “Can’t wait for our wedding night when this is all you’ll be wearing,” and I nearly fainted with shock. He was thinking about it. Me. Without clothes on. And I went home and cried, because I didn’t love my body, and it just hit me that he would see it. So as a mom who understands that self-image and self-love are important, I try my best to encourage my girls and help them to love their bodies the way God created them so when it’s their time, they won’t be ashamed or afraid like I was.
3. His what goes where? Is there any other way? I mean, it seems so weird. Complicated. Did I mention weird?
I think it’s good to acknowledge that the puzzle piece aspect is both weird and wonderful. And it’s normal to think the whole thing is cu-razy weird when you first hear about it. I recounted my own personal reaction when I first learned about sex in Health class. We had some laughs. And then I reminded her that acceptance and celebration comes with age and maturity and security in a strong marriage.
4. Why do they call it “safe” sex?
I think that’s a good question too. There’s nothing safe about an act that will forever change your mental, emotional, and physical world. I think it’s the furthest thing from safe, and that’s why it’s so special and not to be dealt with or decided lightly. I think that’s all the more affirmation that God created this act for married people. That’s the safest place to learn and enjoy intimacy.
5. Should I close my eyes?
Funny how we often close our eyes when we kiss. But it’s up to each person to know how they want to experience things. And I encouraged her to try things both ways, with her eyes closed and open. With the lights on and lights off. With music and without. There’s something to variety that spices things up and when it’s her turn, I want her to know there’s room for creativity. God made us creative for a reason.
6. Will it hurt?
That’s something I think more teens and young newlyweds need to understand. That it could very well hurt, but there are also ways to keep it from hurting or hurt less. And it’s okay if your kids want to talk about things with a physician. And the knowledge of real truth can also keep teens from rushing into things knowing that it’s not all easy under the sheets like Hollywood often portrays it. Conversations are important to have, closer to the wedding date, in my opinion.
7. Why do all the kids at school giggle when someone says the number 69?
Yep. This came up. And we talked about it. Position and all that fun stuff. But we also touched on how sex-obsessed our culture is and how the exploration and experiencing of things out of place of God’s timing leads to a lot more than heartache. I know of couples who were actually “bored” on their honeymoon. And I always refer back to the picture my best friend gave me close to my own wedding day: sex is like a beautiful garden surrounded by the fence of marriage. You can steal touches and moments by reaching past the fence, but shameless pleasure and wonder comes after you say your vows, unlock the fence and roam the garden freely.
8. What if I just want to stick to just kissing? Is that an option?
That’s the beauty of marriage and communicating and as days and weeks, months and years go by, you learn that not every night is a night to “sleep” together. Some nights are a time to just snuggle and fall asleep in each other’s arms. ☺
9. What if I don’t like sex?
I was very honest with her when she asked this. I said, “At first you might not, but some day, when you figure out how your body works, I promise you, you will!” Hopefully. But there are no guarantees. But if things go as they should, it could go amazingly, but it’s like every great relationship, you learn together, grow together, and grow in your love for each other as God gives you time and patience with each other.
10. Does this mean you and Dad…?
Don’t answer that.
What did I miss? And you and your kids? What kind of questions have come up?
UPDATE: After Raj wrote this, she and her husband learned that he’s been diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, a serious heart condition. She’s just asking people to pray for her husband, and for peace for her and her family. Thank you! I know she’d appreciate some kind words in the comments, too, to say that you did pray for her.
Rajdeep Paulus studied English Literature at Northwestern University, and spent over a decade as an English Teacher and SAT Tutor, during which she married her best friend from Chicago whom she then followed to the island of Dominica where he began medical school. Fourteen years, four daughters, and a little house on a hill in the quaint town of Locust Valley, New York later, she now blogs weekly and writes masala-marinated, Y.A. fiction.When Raj is not tapping on her Mac, you can find her dancing with her princesses, kayaking with her hubs, coaching basketball or eating dark chocolate while sipping a frothy, sugar-free latte. She blogs at www.insearchofwaterfalls.com and secretly hopes someday she’ll own a laptop that f
unctions under water.
And check out her first YA Novel: Swimming Through Clouds! Sheila reviewed it here. The sequel is and Seeing Through Stones.
I don’t see any reason not to answer the question about whether mom and dad have sex. Kids, once they’re old enough to know what sex is, should know that their parents have sex, that they love each other, and that sex is good thing for married couples to engage in and to prioritize as important in their marriage. They definitely don’t need to know details of what you do or know when you’re doing it. But knowing that their parents have a good sex life together helps affirm the proper role of sex in marriage and sets a good example for them. Plus, it makes them feel more secure to know that their parents love each other.
Oops. I replied below. 🙂
I really can’t thank you enough for this. I wish my mom had been willing to answer questions like this! Unfortunately, all she talked about was the SIN associated with sex. lt left me feeling very afraid. So my hope for my own children is that the topic of sex is not “taboo” nor all about sin, but an ongoing conversation we can have throughout the years that leads them to a sense of God’s beautiful plan for human love and the creation of cute, snuggly little people. 🙂
By the way, we are praying for your family and your husband!!! May God choose to heal him and shower your marriage and family with his redeeming love through this painful and difficult time!!!!
Thanks so much for praying. Appreciate the love and concern. 🙂
-Raj
Hi Raj,
I’ve worked with teens and I’ve always felt weird talking to them about sex beyond the “don’t do it until your married” Thanks for posting these helpful ways to discuss sex. And I am praying for your husband and you family. Our God is a Healer!
Your welcome, Preslaysa!
Thanks for the encouragement! 🙂
-Raj
hi Lindsay,
I totally agree with you. That last one was a joke. As in… Your teen knows the answer to that question. We come from two cultures and even though we limit out pad when we’re around our parents, we kiss and hug freely in front of our kids! hope that helps. Best,
Raj
I loved your answers to #4 and #7. I have several friends whose view on sex before marriage is very different than mine. These are answers I am going to share with them. I hope these are the answers they will share with their children one day.
Prayers for your husband and peace for your family as you walk this path of your lives.
Thanks so much. I have plenty of my daughter’s friends and parent friends who feel differently as well. I think it’s a great topic of conversation because so many medical studies are out that show the benefits of monogamy and abstinence, that you don’t even need to bring in God to prove the worth of waiting.
And thanks so much for your prayers. 🙂
-Raj
Thanks for the great article, Raj! Praying for God’s healing over your husband!
Thanks, Melissa!
Appreciate your prayers. 🙂
-Raj
So I’m a little naive to what is out in the teen world as my kids aren’t there yet. And I wasn’t in the know when I was there myself. What does 69 mean? And what other terms do I need to be savvy to? I figure this forum is safer to ask than Google. Thanks!
Well, 69 refers to a couple each performing oral sex on the other simultaneously. Sorry if that’s too graphic!
Thank you for explaining what “69” is, Sheila. I’ve heard it and read it multiple times but did not know what it meant. AND I was afraid to ask.
So glad you asked! I was going to as well because like you I definitely didn’t want to search it elsewhere. Sheila, thanks for always answering honestly! Definitely better to figure it out here in a safe environment before having to face these talks with kids. My oldest will be reaching that point before long as well.
Great post! I’m getting ready to have the “talk” with my son very shortly, and I love seeing how you incorporated your children’s answers with God in mind…it is so very important to me that my kids understand the importance of waiting for marriage!
My prayers are with you and your husband!
Thanks, Kay!
My sister is about to send her first son off to college, and they’ve had some talks but she plans on having another specific talk on this with him, and one thing I reminded her to tell him was how easy it is to do things. And how impossible it is to undo things. There are some choices in life you cannot reverse. And there are firsts that will never be the first time again. I also encourage my teens to trust that they will meet people who are like-minded in time, especially in college since there’s so much diversity. But I love what my hubby told our girls the other night when the topic of dating came up. He said, “At some point, you will run out of things to talk about and you’ll want to grow closer to the natural progression will seem to move from mental and emotional intimacy to physical intimacy. So well before that happens, you should have the boundaries conversation so you know what to expect and what’s expected of the other person.”
Thank you for your prayers.
🙂
Raj
This is so great – thank you for sharing! This topic comes up sometimes as I mentor teenage girls, and your answers have opened my eyes a little about healthy ways to answer!
Hi Rachel!
Appreciate the feedback!
best,
Raj 🙂
Praying for your husband and your whole family!
My 10 year old son has started among alot of questions in the last few months… it’s rough to know how to answer, but I try to be honest and Open with him. And they can learn it everywhere…he came home from church group wanting to know what “slut and whore” meant. Which led to why he should never use those words, to why some boys will call good girls names to break them down. One of our best conversations, but it horrified me that at that young of an age, in a “safe” place, he was still exposed to that kind of thing. I’m just glad he felt sage enough with me to come to me with his questions and pay he always does
Hi Monica,
That’s so great that your son came to you and asked you rather than “googling” it. Our kids are getting bombarded by information from all directions, so the fact that he’s bringing his questions to you is awesome! I made it a point to mention a few women to my girls that they can go to with questions if they feel shy (for whatever reason) to talk to me: my sister, my BFF, a neighbor who loves them and loves the Lord and certain youth group leaders. It’s good to help our kids identify adults in their lives that are a great resource for the many tough conversations to come.
Thanks also for your prayers.
🙂
Raj
What a great idea to identify a few other “safe” adults. I think sometimes, no matter how open your parents are, there are just some questions you don’t want to ask mom and dad. I love the idea of identifying other trusted people beforehand so kids know where else they can seek answers and support.
The problem with not telling your child about sex, sexual urges, inappropriate touching, bad feelings, etc. at a young age is that you open them to sexual abuse. Pedophiles prey on children who are ignorant about sex and try to entice them into doing something that will harm them. How will they know what inappropriate touching by others is wrong or harmful if they don’t know what it is? Children might get a queasy feeling, but they’ll dismiss it if the pedo is in a position of authority. Don’t assume that someone who is a Christian, a minister, a teacher can’t molest a child. It’s more likely to be committed by someone who has credibility and trust. Less likely by someone who’s obviously creepy (kids avoid creeps when they’re young).
We had the “talk” with our daughter at the age of 5 after an 8 year old told her about it before we got to her. Fortunately, the 8 year old was correct. Tell your child VERY early about sex, inappropriate touching, feelings, etc. I was told that the best time to tell your child about sex was when he/she asks. Wrong, tell the child about sexual behavior in age appropriate terms BEFORE someone else does. Don’t assume that just because your child plays around other Christians that they don’t talk about sex. They do. When I was a kid, all my friends were Christians and we used to have Barbie orgies in the front porch and would toss the Barbies to and fro when the parents showed up. Do not have your heads in the sands.
We told her it’s normal and natural and of course, that’s how she came into the world.
We told her that we had sex. Why would you not do that? That’s insane. If you want your child to be turned off from sex, you tell them you did it. No brainer.
And the whole idea of discovering everything about your soon-to-be spouse EXCEPT sex prior to marriage is patently absurd. It’s a recipe for disaster. Sexual compatibility like everything else is important. Christians have sex before marriage as much as non-Christians. There are so many reasons to not have sex outside a non-committed reasons besides a biblical injunction against it – STDs, pregnancy, emotional consequences. My daughter is now a young adult and I’m pretty sure she hasn’t done it yet. She doesn’t want to get STDs or pregnant – she has too many goals. Also, she has no problem with our looking through her computer, her room and her phone. She leaves these out all the time. she has nothing to hide.
When you’re not around, your kids are getting down. Wishful thinking won’t stop that. Teach them about safe sex and stop being so coy about it. They won’t come to you if you’re unwilling to be frank and honest. You don’t have to tell them everything about your sex life, but they deserve the honest truth.
Hi “Antsy” –
You point out many excellent points, especially the importance of protecting our young children. Thanks so much for your feedback and that’s great that you and your daughter seem to have a very open relationship. I wasn’t sure if you were suggesting that sexual compatibility is a reason to have sex before you get married to test the waters and make sure that works with your future spouse. Sorry if I misunderstood, but if this is what you’re implying, I respectfully disagree. Simply because I think when you commit to marry someone, I’m assuming there’s some attraction, and marriage is where you can learn how to meet each others needs, even if it takes time to figure things out sexually. And there are no guarantees-but you don’t marry someone because they will or won’t be able to satisfy you in bed. You marry them because you choose to take as many years as God gives you on this earth to love them daily, and love is action – often one act at a time. And it’s the commitment to learn together and, by God’s grace, not give up on each other. Does that make sense? Again, sorry if I read your comment wrong, I just wanted to encourage young couples out there that are headed to marriage to strongly consider waiting to have sex till they say their vows, not just to avoid pregnancy and STD’s but to do things in the order that God designed. As someone who waited, it took a couple of years for us to “figure things out,” [Sheila posted a blog where I shared this journey here: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/10/honeymoon-blues-to-over-the-rainbow/ —but we did it together, and we went through the stages of ups and downs together, and we struggled through the learning process together and I think these experiences gave us a chance to, as my hubby put it, “finish growing up together.” And also appreciate where we are today all the more.
Btw, I’m married to a physician who has the talk with lots of teen patients. He advocates abstinence but of course he teaches them how to protect themselves. And I think you’re right about the importance of being honest with your teens and not assuming that they will necessarily choose to wait and giving them the knowledge and tools to be safe, but I think when we make it seem like a simple choice and throw around a term like “safe” as if we’re talking about something like putting your seatbelt on, we risk giving our kids the fighting chance and motivation to save their virginity for their marriage.
Thank you, Sheila, for a place to dialogue about these tough topics.
Best,
Raj
Hi Raj,
Follow-up question. . .my husband and I are also very pragmatically and medically-minded but waited until marriage to have sex and that is a value that’s very important for us to instill in our daughter someday (she’s only 1 right now). Just this week, we were discussing how in the world are we going to talk to her about sex? And one potential conflict I see (because teenagers are very smart) is that if we both advocate abstinence (which we will) and assume along with them that abstinence should be their norm, AND simultaneously talk about using contraception and the medical side of sex (which we will), how will she not see this as a mixed message? Like “we expect you to be abstinent, but if you are having sex we need to know so we can take you to a doctor” etc. We probably don’t need to worry about this now, but I’m already seeing how time flies and I love reading this blog (and guest writers) because I figure if we talk about these things now, we’ll be prayerfully considering what to say to our daughter long before she knows what sex is. Thanks for your help! 😉
Hi Heather,
Your child’s pediatrician will be asking her every year if she’s sexually active (probably starting around 6th or 7th grade,) because they are supposed to when taking the history. The reason we parents talk to our kids about any topic, no matter how tough it is, is to give our kids a safe space to ask questions, learn, and make their mistakes about information at home, where they will be accepted no matter what. (you can always do an anonymous questions in the hat when all your kids are teens and maybe saying their questions out loud might be embarrassing, but I find the one on one times leads to the best environment to talk about tough things.) I don’t want my kids to be the ones that don’t “get it” when things are talked about in a crowd. At the same time, I don’t want them to feel like they have to participate in every conversation our hyper-sexualized society comes up.
I think your kids will respect we more if we tell them what people use to keep from STD’s and pregnancy but remind them that nothing is guaranteed. Even with all the protection out there, girls still get pregnant and STD’s still get spread. And abortions are the furthest thing from simple and safe solutions to “mistakes.” And there are better places to spend time together when you like someone to keep from getting themselves in tempting situations. Decisions that should be made when the boundaries conversations happen.
I hope that helps. And for the record, I’m learning alongside the rest of you. We’re at the beginning of these conversations.
Thanks for participating in this dialogue.
Best,
Raj
Just re-read this article. I’d say, it’s still really important to talk about birth control (and STD control) when they’re teens, because the only thing MORE embarrassing than hearing about it as a teenager is having to go to the family doctor once you get engaged, if you didn’t know!! So you can frame it like that: when you have decided that you’re ready, which I hope will be when you get married, but either way, here’s some information you might need to know… ” 🙂
Praying for you and your family Raj.
Thanks so much, Kirsten.
🙂
Raj
I will definitely keep Raj’s husband, Raj, and all involved in this matter in prayer. This following promise is more and more meaningful to me each passing day.
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
–Revelation 21:4
Appreciate the encouragement and prayers!
🙂
-Raj
One question girls in my youth group brought up was why are guys perceived by many people in society as “cool” if they sleep around, but girls are “slutty”? Boy did that lead to some more talking about sexual dynamics! Another is how do you fulfill that physical desire without denying EVERYTHING to your partner. . .for instance, when you are engaged? Would love to hear your answers on these, Sheila!
And Raj! 😉
I dread the sex talk with my kids. Since we have a sexless marriage (not my my choice), I have to lie about just about everything. Because not only can’t I tell them about how wonderful, sharing, unifying as it should be, but also about specific questions, other than the strictly functional and biological ones. And I have to do it with a smile on my face.
Hi John,
I don’t have all the answers and my heart breaks for whatever you’re going through. But I still challenge you to be real with your kids. So much of the world lies to them… Get some advice from adults/pastors/counselors/doctors and (based on their ages,) be a voice of truth to them. Some day they will thank you.
Best,
Raj
Such a great post! When I was a teen my best friend used to phone me to ask things because she couldn’t talk to her parents about it, which I thought was really sad. And man were they sheltered! She had to ask me what rape was – at about 16! I’m not a parent yet, but when the time comes I will definitely be talking to my kids!!
Will be praying for your husband and family Raj 🙂
What a great article! Thanks for the advice. My daughter is 5 right now, so I don’t need the in depth information for quite a few years, but I’d rather be prepared early. I am wondering your thoughts on how best to explain sex, and the information’s surrounding it, to my 5 year old? I led a very sheltered life growing up, with not much communication with my parents. I learned everything from my non Christian best friend or through experience with my first boyfriend and now husband. I don’t want any of that for my daughter! I am wondering how best to bring up, and explain sex to her, without explaining too much. I want to be sure she learns from us long before she’s curious and asking other kids at school. Having open and honest communication with my kids is very important to me, bit she’s so much like me and won’t come to me when she has questions about something. How do I set the right tone for open communication with her, starting now at 5 years old? I’d love to hear what you and Sheila think!