Can sex really be a spiritual experience? I thought I’d launch into 2015 by combining my two favourite topics: Sex and God. And I’m going to let one of my favourite guest posters, J from Hot, Holy and Humorous, give us her insight since I’m still on holidays. Here we go!
As Sheila has stressed here many times, and in her marvelous book A Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, sexual intimacy is more than just the physical. When we make love according to God’s design, there’s a spiritual depth to the experience.
Unfortunately, sometimes we wives don’t feel or believe that. Sex seems purely carnal, as if it couldn’t be associated with our deeper soul. Frankly, the only time God is brought into many marital bedrooms is when someone yells “Oh my God!” in the heat of climax.
Look, sex is physical. It’s very physical. But I believe this act can also honor God and touch our spirit.
Here are some reasons why.
God the Creator designed sex and said it was good. Who thought up this crazy thing called sex? Well, that would be God. He could have made sex a fairly straightforward, reproduction-only event. But instead He designed it for intimacy and pleasure as well.
Consider the pleasure centers of our bodies, the way humans often make love facing one another (not a feature of the animal world), and His words about husband and wife becoming “one flesh.” It was after God commanded humans to “go forth and multiply” (and we know how that’s done) that He labeled His creation “very good” (Genesis 1:28, 31, NRSV). His design for sexual intimacy in marriage was good from the beginning.
There’s a whole book in the Bible about sex. God made certain an entire book celebrating marital intimacy – the Song of Solomon – was included in His Word. This book is instructive to couples on what thriving intimacy looks like in marriage. It includes affection, affirmation, connection, and yes, sex.
Song of Solomon even includes a passage in which the married couple engages in sexual intimacy, followed by the encouragement to “be intoxicated with love!” (5:1, HCSB). In other words, get the full amount of pleasure and excitement from this experience that a husband and wife can. God is in favor of physically expressing love in marriage, and expressing it fully.
Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is a metaphor for our relationship with God. This one can be difficult to imagine.
How can a physical experience between husband and wife relate to anything in the spiritual realm between God and His people?
Yet, that’s what God says. In the book of Hosea, God promises to take His people as his wife, in that intimate relationship of marriage (see Hosea 2). And in Ephesians 5:31-32, the Apostle Paul expresses it in this way: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church.” God likens the one-flesh experience of husband and wife, that deep intimacy, to the relationship our Lord wants to have with His church. When fully making love with your husband, you can’t get any closer physically. And this intimacy is a metaphor for how close God desires us to be with Him.
Sex is most intimate when we bring God’s commands and biblical principles into the marriage bed.
Sex by itself is a purely physical act, but we know that in relationship – in marriage specifically – it means far more. Sex becomes an expression of emotional closeness, of trusting another with your most private self, of covenant love. As said before, it should be physically pleasurable. God created to feel good. But if you want the very best in your marriage bed, you’ll approach it with God’s commands and biblical principles in mind. That is, with love, kindness, patience, honesty, goodness, and joy.
That’s why I wrote Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage—to help wives improve their sexual intimacy by applying the Word of God to their marriage.
No, I’m not constantly picturing God while making love with my husband. (That could feel awkward.) But I don’t leave behind the person God wants me to be when I enter the marital bedroom. Rather, I want to honor Him there too, while having a fabulous time with my husband.
God created my soul, and He created my body.
I can use both in tandem to follow His design. Indeed, as I’ve learned how to approach my marriage bed with a more spiritual focus, the sex has become even more physically exciting.
So yes, sex is physical. But God created it to go beyond the physical in your marriage. Even to embracing the spiritual in your life.
J. Parker is also the author of Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives. She writes the Hot, Holy & Humorous blog, where she uses a biblical perspective and blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.
J writes so well and so REAL about sex. And with the New Year upon us, it’s a great time to make a resolution to make sex awesome for BOTH of you this year. If you’ve always struggled to make sex intimate, and not just physical, why not embark on a journey with J this year and work through her book Intimacy Revealed? It’s one devotional a week–one thought to chew on and pray about all week–so that by the end of the year you’ll feel more confident, more excited, and more in awe of how God created sex to be.
From marriage-specific scriptures to biblical principles, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage guides Christian wives through weekly devotions that shed light on God’s gift of marital sex.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I think the idea that sex is purely physical and not spiritual is due to the influence of gnostic teaching in the church. It’s very common for people to have the erroneous idea that there is a disconnect between the physical and the spiritual – that they’re separate and that physical things can’t be spiritual.
In the days of the early church, this kind of thinking led some to argue that Jesus Christ couldn’t have had a real physical body because He was spiritual and physical things can’t be spiritual. They believed that physical things were inherently evil or base. People today tend not to fall for this particular heresy about Jesus, but the idea that physical things are inherently bad or un-spiritual is still around.
One of the most common areas that this idea affects is the topic of sex. People tend to think that physical pleasure and things that involve our bodies are not spiritual, or even that they’re bad. They tend to think that being spiritual means rising above physical things. They view everything in little boxes labelled “Physical” or “Spiritual” without ever allowing them to mix.
However, this is NOT a Christian teaching and is more similar to several non-Christian religions like Hinduism. Christianity teaches that the physical is created by God and was initially very good. God designed humans to have physical bodies and planned for those physical bodies to engage in sexual intimacy and pleasure within marriage before sin ever entered the world. Thus sex is a good thing, designed by God, and is not evil or bad as long as it stays within the limits God has given for its proper use. There is no reason that physical things cannot also be spiritual. In Christian teaching, sex is both physical and spiritual. Ignoring either aspect of sex is unhealthy and incorrect.
Yes but it was the disobedience by Adam and Eve that broke creation and by that twisted our views of sexuality into what we see today. I would love nothing more than to be physically and spiritually connected with my wife while having sex but our minds at this day is so full of “junk” that we can’t let go. The Bible says that with one man (Adam) sin was brought into this world and with one man (Jesus) the penalty of sin was paid for.
I think our minds are not capable to understand that something physical can be spiritual. Jesus was God in the flesh. Both man and God.
Matt B – Jesus redeemed all that was broken at the fall, including our sexuality.Yes, we must have our minds renewed (Rom 12:2), maybe especially where sex is concerned, but I 100% agree with J about the powerful connection between the spiritual and physical realms.
I agree, Lindsay. Indeed, the gnostics didn’t win most theological arguments, but they had a real impact on how Christians view the physical vs spiritual. It fascinates me, however, how often Jesus dealt with people’s physical needs while also addressing their spiritual hunger. It seems to me he was concerned with both.
Thanks for commenting! Many blessings.
I think there may also be some confusion when first reading the Bible, about what the “forbidden fruit” represents. Since its appearance is followed closely by fig leaves and pain in childbirth, many may confuse sexual desire with shame and punishment to follow.
I say this as someone who didn’t learn the metaphysics of the apple until my 30s.
Confusion certainly reigns among Biblical illiterates. Note the number of “sex shops” named for Eve, the apple, temptation, etc.
This is a great post. My church upbringing led me to grow up with a negative view of sex and the human body. I’m glad to see the biblical view of how both were ordained by God for His purpose! Thank you!
Thanks, Preslaysa. Yes, I believe it’s the distortion of healthy sexuality that is our true problem. And it can come from both the secular world and bad teaching in the church. Instead, we must continue to look to God as our source of truth on how sex can honor Him. Blessings!
I loved reading this post. Understanding that sex is both physical and spiritual is confusing, but you explained it so well!
Thanks, Lindsey! May God bless you and your marriage richly.
Wow, I truly believe this. Sometimes I would bless my husband during see cause I just believed it’s deeper than the physical. Thank u for shedding more light. Am blessed.
Thanks, Kitaan. I think it makes sense when you consider it deeply and when you experience it in the marriage bed. Blessings!
What a great post. When my parents talked me about not having sex before I was married, they taught me this concept. There is a spiritual element to being united with your spouse. God made the two flesh one, and that takes place in sex. I believe that marriage is to mimic the relationship Christ and the church has. I was definitely taught that you can worship God through an honorable sex life.
Yay, I love hearing about parents who taught well about sexuality! I know they’re out there, though I often hear a different story. But your testimony shows that good and godly parental guidance makes a real difference. Thanks so much, Keelie!
I prayed and prayed and tried talking with my wife about this topic. Our sex life was/is very minimal, often once every few months. I love her dearly and unconditionally, but sadly she has drifted very far away from the Lord and from me. And now, early this morning, I find that she plans to file for a divorce this month. Her words to me were, “I want to have a sex life and a love life, but not with you.”
My heart si aching more than it ever has in my life. From an earthly standpoint, there is nothing I can do.
I married for a lifetime, and I find that the marriage covenant si being broken…and there is, seemingly, nothing that I can do about it but pray for God’s grace and intervention and ot reitreate to my wife how much I love her and need her.
If anyone reads this today, may I ask…please…please pray for me and for my family. This pain is beyond excruciating.
oh, that’s so sad. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
I’ll pray for you.
Oh, I am so sorry. I know that the pain is horrible, and nothing really compares. I will pray for a work of God in your wife’s heart and in your marriage, and for a work of grace and comfort in your heart.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I will be praying for you! Believe in your heart that no matter what happens, God is with you through this and He can bring good and beauty out of what we see as only brokenness. His will and in His time and that is what makes our time on earth so trying. When you don’t think you can stand another minute of this pain, repeat, Jesus I Trust in You, over and over until you know in your heart He will bring you through this terrible time.
I can only add that I will be praying as well. I can’t imagine how your heart aches, but I pray that God will comfort you and bring healing to your situation.
May God restore to you what has been lost and stolen from you. I am a widow and a few months ago God brought a wonderful man into my life. His wife had divorced him and his story was very similar to yours. We have found a spiritual and emotional closeness that is beyond words. I have faith that if I am ever allowed to be his wife, the physical oneness will be just as sweet because we have put God in the midst of it all. We are in our 60s. It is not too late. God restored all to Job. He can for you as well
Great essay J. It makes one wonder why we are having to speak these truths in the year 2015. The Church allowed ancient pagan schools of thought and their errors to influence Church thinking about sex for all these centuries. At least now Christians are talking about this.
I my talks to Christian audiences, I point out that there is no “separation of church and sex.” God invented sex, and he still owns it. In fact, we tend to botch it when we try to keep him out, whether through prudery or indulgence.
And to the excellent point about humans mating face-to-face, there’s also the biological curiosity of sex outside the fertility window. Other creatures don’t do this; their interest in sexual intercourse is set at the purely reproductive level, and once conception is no longer possible, sex drops off their radar.
Humans have something else going on, a second purpose. It’s the unity that makes us uniquely human as a pair, male and female.
I agree. I got good teaching from my parents about sex, what there was of it. But I hadn’t thought about the design of human sexuality and how it points to being about more than just procreation until I took Human Anatomy in college. My professor mentioned that humans are rare in that they can have sex at times other than when they’re fertile. Most animals only have sex when the female is in heat and can get pregnant. They don’t have the desire at other times. Also, many animals CAN’T have sex unless the female is fertile. It’s physically impossible. For example, some female animals have a thick mucus plug in the way except when they’re in heat. Some animals, like the ostrich, have sexual organs that are only present during mating season. Humans are unique in being capable and desirous of sex in non-fertile times. This design indicates that sex is meant to be more than merely procreative in humans. It’s more than just a physical urge to procreate. It means something more.
I was molested by my brother at age seven, then raped as an early adult. My concept of sex is warped, and I am really having a hard time with sex in my marriage! How can you be a christian, and how can you have sex with your partner, when they “talk dirty” (which I don’t care for), how can that be godly?!! I fell like it’s not Godly, or caring, I feel it is all about fleshly desire, and I can’t seem to get my mind in the game!
Shadytree,
I am so sorry you were molested. That is a terrible thing and I hope you have found healing. That kind of thing can leave some life-changing scars but they need not be permanent. Our God is a God who heals. He has healed me of my past, though I do still have a memory satan tries to mess with. He uses the past to keep us from experiencing joy in our present. Rebuke him. Tell The Liar to leave. The only power he has over us is what we allow him to have. The Lord takes us as we are and gives us a whole new life. I am NOT minimizing the fact that you were victimized. God already knows all about that and is working on healing you. Completely. He wants to grant us life to the fullest in the present and future.
To be honest, the one place God gave us consent to “get our freak on” (so to speak) is in the bedroom with our marital partner. Even this has some limits, though. A man who truly loves His wife in the way God commands will never pressure her to do things she is not comfortable with. He may desire those things at times. He is human. But he will never pressure, guilt, shame or degrade his wife. You did not say if your husband is a Christian or not. If he is, maybe the two of you can attend some seminars where biblical teachings on marital love are unpacked for him. He needs to learn how to honor you as God loves the church. As for dirty talk, that is a subjective thing. Sex talk between man and wife should NEVER be dehumanizing or degrading. Talk to your husband outside of the bedroom at a time he seems relaxed and able to receive what you want him to know. Kindly but firmly let him know that your ‘love language’ does not involve certain words and phrases. Tell him exactly what those things are and how they make you feel. Then tell him what you DO like. Be specific. Our spouses cannot read our minds. Pray for your husband to desire and get a true understanding of exactly how to demonstrate his love for you in the bedroom and outside of it.
There is absolutely no reason Christians, above all people, should not be having the time of our lives, swinging from the chandeliers if we want to. God has given us sexual intimacy as a gift to deeply enjoy, and He wants us to do just that, guilt and hang-up free, within the confines of His commands. (The two shall become one–not 3 or more, for instance.) I don’t think about God much during the act. It’s weird to me and I don’t have to. I do my best to rest in His grace unhindered, because I want my joy to be full, and so does He! Rest in the love, safety, peace and liberty of God, remembering He came to set us free.
Great post on a far to often avoided topic!
I love the part where you said, “No, I’m not constantly picturing God while making love with my husband. (That could feel awkward.) But I don’t leave behind the person God wants me to be when I enter the marital bedroom. Rather, I want to honor Him there too, while having a fabulous time with my husband.”
I think when people here God and sex in the same sentence they get an awkward picture in their minds, but I think this blog post does a great job showing how sex was designed by God and can definitely be (and should be) a spiritual act in a marriage.
Thank you, Jon, for the kind words about the blog!
Thanks for sharing this. I find that many people are more than ashamed to have a conversation on sex and whether it has anything spiritual or if it is just for the carnal sensations however I have found that it is so important to make a spiritual connection with sex as it is the closest two people can be and with that connection comes the love for God and all that he has given us. It is such an important concept to convey to others. Thanks so much again for posting.
I’m glad you enjoyed the post, Larissa!