On Tuesday I made quite a stir on Facebook when I wrote about divorce and remarriage. In regards to this post on when you should give up trying to get your ex back, I wrote:
I’m having to delete a lot of comments on the blog today from people saying that divorce is never a biblical option. I find that sad. I know God hates divorce–but He hates people being wounded and abused and betrayed, too. And Jesus gave us some reasons for divorce. Anyone who reads my blog knows that I am very pro-marriage and anti-divorce, but more importantly I’m pro-truth and pro-healing. If a marriage is based on abuse, manipulation, and lies, then that is not God-honouring, either. Most of these situations are not black and white; they are grey, and I believe God’s grace is there for us. If I let those comments through, I fear that they will do emotional damage to the very hurt and wounded people whose marriages have fallen apart who wind up at my site. We need to be pointed towards following God in the situation we find ourselves in now, not being yelled at for very tortured decisions we made earlier.
The outpouring was immense, and so I thought I should do a follow-up and explain what I really think about divorce and remarriage. Please keep in mind that I am not a theologian. I have just thought about this a lot and prayed through it, and this is what I believe.
Divorce Is a Last Resort–and there are only a few reasons for it
I am absolutely anti-divorce. I’ve written that the vow matters. I’ve questioned whether women are leaving marriages too fast. I’ve said that sometimes we live in a loveless marriage–and we need to find a way to get through that.
However, with that said, I am also fully aware that sometimes divorce is necessary, and sometimes divorce happens when you didn’t want it to. My father left my mother. My mother certainly never wanted to divorce, and it pulled the rug out right under her. But divorce wasn’t her choice.
Then there are those who live in a physically dangerous marriage, or an emotionally destructive marriage. For them, too, divorce was likely not what they wanted–but they had no option.
What are biblical grounds for divorce?
The Bible lists two: adultery and abandonment.
Adultery
Matthew 19:9 says:
And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.
Abandonment
Then 1 Corinthians 7:12-15 says this:
If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.(emphasis mine)
Clearly Paul here is saying that if a spouse leaves you, you are no longer bound.
Notice anything that isn’t mentioned here? You’ve got it:
What about Abuse?
And this is where I get really uncomfortable and why I started deleting those comments. The divorce “purists”, as I will call them, read the Matthew passage (and seem to ignore the Corinthians passage) and say that the only acceptable reason for divorce is adultery. Because Jesus gave us no other reason, then there can be no other reason.
To them I would ask this:
Why do you believe abortion is wrong?
It’s because we’ve inferred an awful lot from a few verses. Abortion itself isn’t mentioned in the Bible because it wasn’t relevant for the culture. So the Bible doesn’t speak directly about it, yet pretty much all Christians fight against it for one simple reason: Because of what we know about God from the rest of Scripture. He knew us while we were yet unformed in our mother’s womb, and He planned our days (Psalm 139:13-16). He planned good works for us before the foundation of the earth (Ephesians 2:10). God is love. The rest of Scripture speaks to the sanctity of life. The Bible doesn’t mention lots of things we struggle with today–pornography, career choices, education choices–because these weren’t talked about or relevant then. But we can still infer from the Bible what godly decisions are.
So what, then, can we infer from the rest of Scripture about living in an abusive marriage? Does God expect us to stay?
Absolutely not. Read the Old Testament prophets and you come away with the overwhelming impression of a God who goes to battle for the downtrodden and who notices injustice. We serve a God who hates abuse in all its forms.
God Cares About Children
And here’s an important point: living in an abusive marriage, even if the woman is willing to put up with it, harms the children. Over and over again in Scripture God talks about rescuing children from those who would mistreat them (see Luke 17:2).
If staying in a marriage to an abusive person, or staying in a marriage to an alcoholic or drug addict, would hurt a child, then God does not want that.
I do believe that the word abuse is thrown around a little too quickly today, and I’ve written what is abuse and what is not. Not all yelling is abusive; it depends on the pattern, the effect, and the bigger picture. But emotional, sexual, and physical abuse are real and they are not God’s plan for His children.
One important point, though: We often believe that “kids are only happy if the parents are happy, so if the parents’ marriage is unhappy, it’s better to divorce.” Not true. Researcher Judith Wallerstein found that kids who grew up in an unhappy marriage (even a loveless marriage) fared better than kids who grew up with divorced parents. The effect of parents’ unhappiness on the kids is not a legitimate reason to divorce–except in one case. Studies also showed that children who grew up in violent or abusive marriages did better if the parents did divorce. So if you’re just unhappy in your marriage, it’s better for the kids if you stick with it and make it work. If you’re being abused or you’re in a high-conflict marriage, it’s not.
God Cares About Sin
Another theme of Scripture is that God cares about the heart, not appearances. Divorce purists seem to stress the form over the heart–as long as the two people are technically married, God is happy. But no, God doesn’t want appearances. God wants changed hearts and changed lives! Here’s what I wrote in another post, Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?:
If your spouse is acting in such a way that they are denying a vital part of themselves and a vital part of the Christian life–like responsibility or intimacy or community–then doing nothing about it enables that spouse to avoid any impetus for spiritual growth.
Churches should be places where the wounded come to find healing, not where the wounded come to give them cover so they can avoid healing.
And yet all too often that is what we’ve done–we hate divorce so much that we ignore the other side: God does not want an army of wounded, damaged people. He wants wholeness. And so we must deal with people who are refusing to confront huge issues.
In that post I show what the Bible says we should do if a spouse is sinning. One of the Facebook commenters on Tuesday wrote this:
One truth that I believe that is overlooked or dismissed by people who are quick to judge those of us who have suffered through divorce (it was a heartrending and crushing experience) is that pleasing God and being like Him is not about keeping up appearances. God looks at the heart, and in light of that reality a true divorce has happened long before any secular legal actions have been taken – or can happen even when no actions are taken. A dead marriage is equal to a divorce in all the ways that are visible and valuable to God, and it’s sad to me to see married couples who obviously despise one another or (perhaps worse) are completely indifferent – especially if children are involved and being hurt by their parents’ situation. I am a child of Christian divorce as well and our young lives were fraught with secret abuse, sadness and confusion until my father (a well-educated preacher who led a double life) left my mom and abandoned us. Life was hard and sad growing up after that too, and I felt very mixed emotions of relief, abandonment and guilt once our father was gone. However, I was nothing but glad for my mom because she had done all she could to be a good wife, and had been so mistreated and disrespected by him in every area you could imagine – she didnt deserve that.
Scripture does not contradict Scripture. We aren’t told in one place to confront sin and live blameless lives and look to the heart and then told in another place to just keep the form in place and ignore sin. The heart matters. And if someone is sinning so much, either through abuse or adultery or an addiction or a refusal to work, then this must be dealt with.
None of this means that divorce is necessary in these cases; usually, I believe, a separation is a better tool. If a spouse is addicted to porn, or refusing to work, or an alcoholic, or gambling away the paycheque, then a separation says, “you need to shape up and this will no longer be tolerated.” That’s what James Dobson recommends in Love Must Be Tough. And, ironically, it’s this separation that often kickstarts real change which leads to reconciliation. That’s what Leslie Vernick also shows in her book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, for those living in emotionally, spiritually, or physically abusive marriages.
Why Does God Hate Divorce?
Divorce “purists” point to the verse that God hates divorce as proof that we should not divorce except in the rarest circumstances. But here’s the thing–I think we would all agree. In fact, most divorced people would be the first to say that God hates divorce, because they hate divorce, too. They know how awful it is. They’re anti-divorce too!
The more important question, then, is WHY does God hate divorce?
I do not believe that He hates divorce because people who divorce are somehow worse sinners. I believe He hates divorce because He loves us so much, and He knows the severe trauma of divorce. He knows the havoc it wreaks on our hearts. He knows what it does to the children. And He knows what a culture of divorce does to undermine the culture of marriage and family and commitment. Divorce has major ripple effects.
So God hates divorce because of its effects–not because divorce is any worse sin. We know that if one is guilty of breaking one part of the law, one is guilty of breaking the whole law. We are all sinners. I believe that when it says, “God hates divorce”, it’s really saying that if your husband left you or beat you or made your marriage unbearable, and you are weeping buckets of tears, that God is weeping those tears with you.
The Beauty of Grace and Living in the Present
I’ve explained why I believe that adultery, abuse, abandonment, and other major sins that endanger the whole family (like addictions or refusal to work) are grounds for separation and/or divorce.
But what if you don’t have those?
Another commenter wrote:
I’m divorced. No excuses, no Biblically sound reason. I was young, stupid, and a big ol’ sinner. He didn’t beat me or abuse me in any way. However, it’s done. It’s in the past and I feel absolutely certain that it is forgiven like any number of other sins in my past. I was wrong but that awesomely mighty God forgave it AND was generous enough to send me a husband who loves me and doesn’t judge my past.
She did not have biblical grounds for divorce, and she knows that. But now she is a believer, and that means that she is a new creation. And you can’t turn back the clock, and God does not intend you to. Why is that we say some sins can be forgiven but not others? Paul was a murderer, yet God still used him. David was an adulterer, yet God still used him (and his son through Bathsheba). Indeed, that adulterous relationship is in Jesus’ line.
God hates divorce–but there is grace.
So if you divorced in the past, and then became a believer, are you supposed to reconcile with your husband? I believe that, if possible, you should try. That’s what Juana Mikels did in Choosing Him All Over Again, and God showed them tremendous grace.
But that does not always work. Sometimes you can’t reconcile because he doesn’t want to, or he’s moved on. So then what?
What About Remarriage?
Divorce purists will also say that remarriage is never an option. God may have given us grounds for divorce, but not remarriage.
However, I don’t believe this is true for two reasons. In the Matthew verse quoted above, Jesus said:
And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.
That means that if you divorce and marry another and it was because of sexual immorality, you are not committing adultery. So if you had grounds for divorce, you also have grounds for remarriage.
Yes, it says “whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Luke 16:18), but you can’t look at that verse without also looking at this one. Jesus obviously was carving out an exception.
And in Corinthians, Paul wrote that the husband or wife was no longer bound if they were abandoned. They aren’t bound anymore–therefore they can remarry.
The Cultural Reason for Remarriage
Why isn’t the Bible more obvious that remarriage after divorce is okay? Because it was just assumed. In those days a woman was either under her father’s care or under her husband’s care. There was no way for an adult single woman to make a living. That’s why caring for widows was such a huge deal in the New Testament church. For Jesus to allow divorce, then, meant that He was also allowing remarriage. He would not allow divorce just to consign women to desperation and abject poverty. People simply had to remarry.
I know many of you who are here on this site are remarried–and want to make these remarriages work. I welcome you here; and I hope that I can help you with just that! I never want you to feel that because you are not on your first marriage that you are somehow inferior. God wants you to honour Him in the here and now.
And so that’s where I’m at: I’m anti-divorce, because I think it should be the last resort, and only in certain circumstances. But if divorce has been inevitable for you, then I wish you great happiness and intimacy with someone else, if God brings someone into your life.
The comment with the most likes was one from my friend Kathy, whom I know in real life. I’d like to leave you with it:
As a divorced person myself (with what I understand to be a biblical divorce–abandoned by an unbelieving spouse who was committing adultery), and someone who desperately wanted her marriage back, I feel the weight & sting of those who think in judgmental terms as if their own sin issues are minor compared to a divorce. I always jokingly say that divorce is the unpardonable sin in the church, but sadly, it seems far too often that it is looked at in that way. I have done my share of study on the topic of divorce and remarriage as a biblical counsellor, but also as someone who hoped to be married again one day, but only if it did not offend God. As far as I can understand in my simplistic way, God has allowed for remarriage in my circumstance. I was blessed with the offer of marriage just over two years ago from a wonderful Christian man who took divorce and remarriage as seriously as I, and also did his research (and by the way, he was widowed after 36 years of marriage so no divorce on his record). We consulted many “wise counsellors” and studied God’s Word before taking on our vows of marriage because again, we did not want to be out of step with God. We are convinced God is the author of our love story, but should we find that in our fallible state we were mistaken, is not the blood of Christ valid even on this? I believe we should take marriage, divorce, and remarriage very, very seriously, but I also believe we must approach it all with truth IN LOVE. Divorce seems to just be one of those divisive issues, and invokes much emotion, but hopefully it will not invoke undue unkindness from those of us who have been shown unfathomable love.
Blessings on all of you.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’m so glad you decided to talk about this. My thoughts are – those that say divorce is never a biblical option have never been beaten to a pulp by their spouse. They don’t understand that sometimes the only way to save your life is to get out. They don’t understand that not every marriage is sunshine & lollipops & bad things do happen. I know that was true for me. I also remarried. My thought on that is that I wouldn’t have 3 AMAZING children who contribute so much to my life & to society if I did not take the step to remarry & find out what a real marriage free from abuse was. My marriage & my children are a gift from God. If he did not intend for these things to happen- he wouldn’t have had them in his plan & they would not have happened. I think it’s easy for those who have not gone through it are quick to judge – but until they experience it for themselves- they are in no place to do so.
Gina, your story is the same as mine. I rejoice with you that God was merciful to us, saved us from the violence and gave us a loving husband. It is bliss to live without fear and to know at last what marriage was ordained to be like. Only those who haven’t experienced the terror of spousal abuse can be so judgmental. Blessings, Glenys
Well spoken~thank you
I’m so glad to see a balanced post on this issue! Too often we ignore the Law for the sake of the Gospel, or ignore the Gospel for the sake of the Law. Thank you for this!
Thank you so much! My mom is divorced. And not just once. Sometimes for Biblically sound reasons, sometimes not. Everything you’ve said is so so true, and the thing that, after much study, she and her now (actually decent, not manipulative or abusive) husband have concluded is that the verse about marrying a divorced woman being adultery isn’t a death sentence. Those who are the “divorce purists” must think that remarried people are 100% guaranteed to go to Hell because they’re “perpetually sinning” just by still being married, and therefore being adulterers on a basically permanent, no escape basis. But I don’t believe there is any such thing like that. God doesn’t work that way, we have grace! If you know your reasons for divorce weren’t necessarily the scriptural ones, but you’ve asked forgiveness and are remarried, then God has forgiven and it’s off your record!
Amen
Thank you for this post. As a woman who has been attacked and left for dead (and told by shocked medical staff upon arrival at the hospital I should have bled out from my injuries long before I got there), I do not believe GOD would have had me stay in that relationship. Still, with all people said about divorce, I was relieved to know adultery meant GOD would forgive me. Looking back, it is so sad I was told this and wondered if this was really how GOD felt in my circumstance.
I am remarried to a wonderful man and GOD has restored so much in my life and the lives of my children, as well as in my husband’s life.
Bottom line–GOD is a GOD of grace and when we as believers come across people who have done things we consider wrong, we are not called to condemn them, but to pray for them. If we cannot show love to believers who have sinned, how then does an unbeliever witnessing our attitude and behavior even believe they can be forgiven?
I know you won’t post this either – you will only post what edifies your opinions (& that’s what they are because if you look at ALL the scriptures regarding MDR (marriage-divorce-remarriage), you will know how erroneous your beliefs are. To begin with, people need to stop using “comforting, soppy” translations of the bible. Go back to the original language. Sexual immorality is a current, “let’s not offend anyone”, “let’s not lose our tithes/offerings” translation. The original language uses porneia which is defined as fornication – for the Jews during their year-long betrothal period (thus why Joseph believed he could put Mary away prior to the angel speaking to him). This word & its specific definition is used purposely in scripture. In other areas, Jesus most definitely used the words for sexual immorality, adultery, etc. Each is a very specific word/form/tense.
I’m not going to waste either of our time by rehashing what I wrote the last time.
I am MORE THAN HAPPY to provide you with all the MDR scriptures to support ONE MARRIAGE UNTIL DEATH. In the case of abuse, The Lord (not Moses or any other man) allows us to “separate” NOT divorce. Of course God does not want any of His children in danger. BUT, He then gives ONLY TWO options….. reconcile or remain alone/celibate.
As Jesus’ return is coming closer, more & more people WORLDWIDE are beginning to go back to true biblical beliefs – not watered down versions that have resulted in where we are today.
I pray that at some point, you would open your heart & mind up to GOD’s truth. I am happy to speak to you via email, you site, FB, telephone, skype, etc. to at least expose you to the truth. Only God can convict you.
So my question for you is, where does God’s grace fit into all of this?
Romans 6:1, “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?” We are not to live in sin simply because God is able to forgive all sin. We flee from sin and we strive to walk in true faith and holiness. “For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.” I John 5:3
thank you, PJ, for sharing the original meaning of the text where Jesus supposedly allows for remarriage. to answer your question, Laura, i would say that we can’t truly know, but in this situation as in many others, I would much rather be safe than sorry. God’s grace is amazing & wonderful, but we so often act as if that supersedes the fact that He is holy & no sin is able to be in His presence. if we live in a constant state of sin which as harsh as it may sound, i believe divorce & remarriage is because of the original translation, how can God’s grace cover an unrepentant (repentance- a sorrow & turning from sin) heart? God does not force His grace on anyone, but He does expect repentance for His grace to apply.
Sheila, i have been so encouraged, our marriage has been strengthened, & many days, you have given me hope. i thank you for this gift! however, i am very saddened about your view on divorce & remarriage. i know it has become an acceptable belief in modern Christianity, but why then has it taken so many yrs. for Christians to be “enlightened” on the topic, i wonder. there are 2 additional factors that are very important to this discussion, i believe, & they are as follows:
1. marriage is a picture of Christ & His bride, the church- because of this, marriage is very sacred & binding. remarriage completes skews that picture. Christ will never have another bride; it is against His nature, so how can we justify this in our human parallel?
2. Christ says that we must forsake all to follow Him, bear our cross, etc.- sometimes, as in the case of to remarry or not, this is a very hard reality. i have much respect for the men & women who i have the privilege of knowing who have followed Christ’s teachings & not remarried; i can’t imagine how hard this must have been for them esp. when children are involved. however, in my humble opinion, i strongly believe that God will bless them for their obedience, & i think they would confirm that He has already.
here is a link to an article that clearly explains divorce, remarriage & what Scripture says on it: http://biblehelpsinc.org/publication/the-tragedy-of-divorce-and-remarriage/
sheila, i pray that you will continue to search the Scriptures on the subject of divorce & remarriage & that you would do so w/ an open heart to what God believes on the subject. if you have any questions that you would like to discuss, i would be happy to be in contact w/ u. once again, thank you for your work in building strong Christian marriages!
We all sin and fall short of the glory of God but once we have been born again nothing will take His grace away from us. One sin is not worse than another and every single day we all sin. So you are saying that we fall out of His grace because of that? Then you would be saying that Jesus died for nothing.
The ONLY unpardonable sin is the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. Matthew 12:31-32.
We do our best to live according to God’s Word and be in His will throughout our lives, and sometimes we have hard choices to make and we do the best we can. But through it all, we never lose His grace or His love. There may be natural consequences to certain decisions we make, but falling out of His grace? Never!
I think you nailed it Amy! This is really a conditional/eternal security debate. I think there is major confusion about sin, as if there are all these categories of sin, so that one is somehow greater than others…pride is a sin, some go through a lifetime fighting with that sin. Lust is a sin, again a lifetime battle. God doesn’t up and abandon anyone. Christ died to save the sinner! It is the sinners he comes to call, and it is those that sin that he continually calls. He rescues us, restores us, and teaches us how to live in order to please Him.
Joanna, I must say I was intrigued by the article you linked to and headed over to read it for myself. I quickly realized, however, that I couldn’t bring myself to take anything the author said seriously after reading the section where he said, “One’s best chance for success in marriage occurs when he is a Christian, and he marries another devoted Christian, and when the married partners are of the same race, nationality, and religious faith.” While I am in complete agreement that a believer should only marry another committed believer, I don’t even know where to begin with the notion that a person should only marry someone from their own country and with the same colour of skin. I am extremely saddened to think that this viewpoint exists, especially within the context of the author being referenced as someone who “clearly explains Scripture”.
Also, from that same article, the author writes:
“Some say, “But what about people who were caught up in divorce and remarriage before they were Christians?” They say, “Surely people should not be penalized for what they didn’t know, or for what they’ve repented of.” And further, “What if people are happily married the second time? Would it be proper to annul that marriage and break up homes?” To answer such questions, we must remember that Jesus made it clear that to follow Him might involve breaks in human relations. He said that even homes would became divided for His sake—and in strong language He said that those not willing to break family ties, are not worthy of Him. Read Matthew 10:37-39. To be separated on earth for a season (from family ties), is nothing, compared to missing eternal union with God. The way of the transgressor is hard.”
I have an extremely difficult time believing that breaking apart a marriage of new-believing Christians is what God would ask for, or that the words of Jesus could be twisted to be understood in that manner. And what would the author expect to tell the children of that second union? “I’m sorry honey, but God says I have to divorce your daddy because it was a huge mistake and sin for us to be married, just as having you was a sin as well. Remember, Jesus said some families would be split apart while following him”.
Joanna you said “He is holy & no sin is able to be in His presence.” I have heard this teaching before, but then I wonder, if this was the case, how was God able to walk in the garden with Adam and Eve after they sinned. This was before the animal was killed to make a covering for them (symbolizing a necessary death to cover our sins). Just an observation.
One thing I notice with those who believe divorce is NEVER permitted and like to remind us that we are the bride of Christ, the church, is that they fail to notice that Paul did not follow the idea that because one is the bride of Christ, no matter how they behave, they continue to be married to Jesus. Paul actually put those who continued in sin out of the church after giving a chance to repent. There is no instruction to the bride to `just continue loving on the man who has his father`s wife`, or just continue warning and loving and praying for the divisive person“. If they choose to repent, they can be welcomed back but if they choose to carry on in sin, they are to be regarded as an unbeliever. There is no instruction for the church to put itself on hold and wait around to see if the one declared an unbeliever is going to repent. And the one married to an unbeliever who wants out is also not told to keep hanging around and praying for that one to come back and decide to be married or follow Jesus either. My thoughts of course are not final or binding and I would never want to direct someone into sin. However, I can`t help but notice that this is somewhat relevant to the discussion. Also a husband who professes to be a chjristian or wife and who continues sinning willfully and using the cover of belief to get away with it, is most like not a real believer. I find that rather relevant to how the marriage worshippers try to use these very scriptures to suggest that there are no limits on covenant.
Great thoughts! Thank you for sharing. I was thinking similar things this week, about how as long as a spouse claims to be Christian, then we’re not allowed to do anything. It’s like because they’re Christian, they’re somehow protected. But if they’re honestly a Christian, they wouldn’t be acting like this! And Paul says that if the unbeliever leaves, we’re free. I think Paul saw belief/unbelief differently than we do. He was focused on behaviour and whether or not people had fruit in their life and were being sanctified. He wasn’t focused on what they said or whether they had “prayed the prayer”. Very much what you’ve said here. Thank you!
How much in your opinion should we endure in the name of bearing our cross? A few kicks or punches? A crushed spirit? Nervous breakdown? Chronic depression? Death?
I’ve discovered that it’s easy for those who’s marriages are good to shame those who weren’t so blessed.
Very well put, Marisa.
Hi-Could you explain what you mean by “rather be safe than sorry?” Isn’t this the reason God sent his son to save us from our sins and reconcile our relationship with God?
Does that not apply to those Christians who sadly find themselves divorced?
http://www.leslievernick.com/is-divorce-a-sin/
You can separate in a marriage but still be bound. That’s why Jesus offered divorce in 2 cases but al others he cited as does Paul , to separate but not divorce. Still bound to one another but neither could remarry while the other was still alive. Even if one remarries they would be in an illegal marriage because they are still bound. So the other cannot just get remarried as well , when the spouse enters the illegal marriage.
Rationalize it as you may. There is no proof of any other option. Under Grace we are forgiven for the separation but the consequence is for the remainder of our lives we cannot remarry. Grace does not wipe away the fact that “let no man separate”…
Grace according to Paul is not to be abused and allow us to sin ( divorce under any reason OTHER than adultery or unbeliever) as we see fit. The law still guides us to show us where to walk. Grace forgives but consequences remain. If we kill someone Grace says you are forgiven with repentance but getting the electric chair or 40 years in prison is the the consequence.
I am sorry, but I think much of what you’ve said is just lunacy. Cultural norms in an ancient society cannot dictate to us in a modern society how we should live. Otherwise, we’d be stuck in the 7th century along with all those poor women who suffered under the barbaric rule of the Taliban. We have to judge marriage-divorce-remarriage by the totality of scripture, not by what we personally feel is correct. As for the bible versions, that is again more of your opinion. The best scholars around have sat on the boards that brought about the modern translations, experts in Hebrew and Greek, and they have concluded that sexual immorality applies. When I read the bible in my modern version, I fully understand that sexual immorality includes fornication (sex outside of marriage) and adultery, and other forms of sexual sins like pornography. Are you THE expert on Greek and everyone else is somehow deceived? Your post reeks of self-righteousness. Which, by the way, is just as much a sin as fornication, adultery, or divorce. Jesus died so that we would be new creatures, new in every way, so ALL of our past sins and failures are GONE in the eyes of God. For anyone to say otherwise is basically to argue that the Blood of Jesus IS NOT enough to cleanse us of all of our sin. Yet, the blood of Jesus IS enough and has cleansed those of us that believe from all sin, even if that sin is a biblically unjust marriage in our Before Christ days. Do you also believe that women should cover their hair in church, dress like 1st century Christians (males and females), give all of their surplus with willing hearts to those in need? Didn’t think so. We have to separate the cultural norms of ancient times in light of the biblical principles that do not change despite the long ages that have past. We understand that marriage is a sacred, holy union, not to be entered into lightly. Yet for those that have divorced, there is grace, grace to forgive and heal, and grace to help the Christian ensure that any future relationship is in accordance with biblical standards. At the end of the day, when we all stand before Christ, we will be measured with the same measurement system we have used on others. That causes me to tremble and to leave the judging to God, while I pray for those I disagree with.
Romans 6:1 “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?” We are not free to live in sin, simply because God has the power to forgive sin…we should desire to bear fruit of the Holy Spirit that dwells in our hearts, and to live a life of faith and holiness.“For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.” (I John 5:3). (Moderator…please post this time)
And? I do not find past sins that have been forgiven and forsaken to be falling under Romans 6:1. Also, I think remarriage is allowable under certain circumstances TO KEEP people AWAY from sin. Some, especially having once experienced sex within marriage and are divorced, struggle with maintaining Christian standards. I don’t think God pats anyone on the back for pornography addiction or masturbation if the person has a ‘conviction’ not to remarry. If you divorced when you weren’t saved, remarried when you weren’t saved, are you now supposed to get redivorced even though adultery is not present, and you also took another vow? Or if divorced, and then remarried, with a vow to God til death do you part, does the new vow not count? I just do not think that is scriptural or logical at all. To say that a woman must remain in a relationship with a man who cheats on her (risking her physical and sexual health, not just emotional or psychological), or beats her, or abuses children, or acts as a slavemaster, because if she gets a divorce she is sinning, is absolutely crazy. God respects the value of human life, and as Shelia has pointed out, looks on the suffering and vulnerable with compassion. I do not think God punishes the battered wife, or the wife who has been cheated on, for the sins of her husband, which lead to divorce, or vise versa. There is a point at which all Christians must grow, and God helps us to recognize things that are not in accordance with His will. He doesn’t expect a recovering drug addict to become the Apostle Paul overnight. That means, that there is a lot of things in the life of a new Christian that will inevitably have to change, but it is God that does the changing, leading Christians to repent and forsake the things that God reveals to the individual in scripture to be wrong. This covers not just overt sins, but sins of the heart, envy, self-righteousnes, bitterness, those parts of us that are distinctly not the fruit of the Spirit. It takes God walking with us, leading us, forgiving us, and being patient and compassionate to us that we can begin again and grow. This is a lifetime of work, no one arrives at day one. It is not in works, but in grace that God counts us righteous. Do you believe that an alcoholic forfeits salvation for falling off the wagon a few times, even if the sin is repented of and forsaken, and the person beings again? You seem to think that the Christian life is perfected overnight, and most of us realize that we are forgiven absolutely, but practically, we do still struggle until the sin loses it’s hold on our hearts and we give glory to God for the victory. I mean, this is a blog for those that have strong sin in their lives, or suffer because significant others have sin in their lives and need help. My understanding is that I am to shun sin, to grow in understanding of who Christ is, what He has done, and what that means for me and the human race. That means that I am not to be entangled or entrapped by sin, ideally, but that if I fall, there is grace. The difference is, I am not to wallow in sin. When I have struggles with certain sins, my heart is torn apart by it, I am deeply grieved and depressed about it, knowing that God hates the sin in me. Yet, I look to the one that my very sin offends, to pardon, forgive, and help me forsake that sin. That is the gospel. It is not a drive-thru prayer of perfection from Day One to Death. Please stop picking and choosing verses…I can also do that.
What exactly do you think justification is? It is God declaring the sinner righteous by looking to our atoning sacrifice, Jesus Christ, the sinless, spotless, Son of God made ransom for our sin.
Pj, you are flat-out wrong about the definition of “porneia.” It is not a specific term referring only to fornication during the betrothal period. It is the catch-all term for all types of sexual sin, and is used as such in verses like Matthew 15:19, Acts 15:20, Romans 1:29, 1 Corinthians 5:1, 6:13, 18, 1 Thess. 4:3, and Rev. 17:2. You are artificially narrowing what you want the word to mean in order to defend your understanding of divorce (or, more probably, following the bad teaching of others who have done so). “Sexual immorality” is a fine translation.
I realize the OP will likely never read this reply, but I want to leave it for future readers.
God himself is remarried. He divorced the old covenant Israel and has now taken the Church as his bride. When He calls Israel adulterous, it wasn’t literal adultery but “lusting” after other gods. It was their incessant idolatry that made them adulterous. His patience with Israel was overwhelmingly gracious, he forgave again and again and again for THOUSANDS of years, and did so many things to win her back. But when one party in a covenant breaks that covenant over and over again and will not repent, even God himself said, “Enough is enough. I divorce you. This covenant has reached its end.” Then He chose for himself a new people, whom He loved so much that he laid down his own life to make her His bride under a new covenant. God is a remarried divorcee. He hates divorce because he IS divorced.
Absolutely, Kay! I love that.
❤️ I LOVE THIS!
Didn’t Paul say to remain single, or be reconcile to your mate? So where do you people come up with remarriage?
I think I explained it pretty well in the article. There’s a whole section on it, near the bottom. I hope that helps!
1 Corinthian 7:10 -11 And unto the married I command, yet not I ,but the Lord ,Let not the wife depart from her husband : 11 But if she depart,let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband : and let not the husband put away his wife.
Even when they are departed they are still called husband and wife. How can man separate what God has joined together?
You do not know what love is. Is God your Father?
Thank you!!! I think the thing I would want people to know about what I think of divorce is this: Being divorced does not automatically disqualify you from God’s plan for your life. He can redeem it. He redeems a lot of stuff for a lot of us every single day. Both of my parents are children of divorce. My in-laws were both divorced before they met and married each other. God has taken all of their lives and made something beautiful of them regardless.
Thank you, Sheila, for addressing this very tough issue.
I find it interesting how the mention of divorce among Christians brings such judgement and division.
I have been divorced for almost four years now after a 20 year abusive marriage which ended with my ex walking out 6 years ago — did you follow all of that?! LOL
Divorce is no laughing matter, it.is.devastating. No matter the reason divorce is never easy. Sure there may be some who flippantly go from one marriage to another seeking that ‘greener grass’, but there are many of us who made the tough decision to divorce an unrepentant abuser who refused to ever take responsibility for there destructive actions/behaviors.
I’m so tired of listening to people like Pj who only offer condemnation and judgement towards others, and am so very grateful for God’s grace which covers us all. I’ve always said, especially 6 years ago when so many in my church at the time criticized me for not wanting to reconcile, that I’m so grateful my God is not like all of them. He has never turned his back on me but continues to cover me with His grace despite my foul-ups, my bad days, and any decisions I have made to the best of my ability.
I have been remarried for 3 years, [gasp], and God shows me daily through this marriage what a healthy marriage should look like. My husband was sent to me to help restore my heart and soul. Even on my bad days my husband has never, ever treated me like my abusive ex did on all my good days.
God hates divorce becoming necessary BECAUSE of the violence and treacherous way a husband/wife treats their spouse thus destroying the marriage vows which should be considered sacred in the eyes of God.
“God hates divorce becoming necessary BECAUSE of the violence and treacherous way a husband/wife treats their spouse thus destroying the marriage vows which should be considered sacred in the eyes of God.”
Yes! Well stated, Amy!
The entire chapter of Malachi 2 is a treatise on how much God hates treacherous abuse of covenant vows.
And somehow…sadly…all that most people remember is the popular catch-phrase, “God hates divorce”…which is, at best, an inaccurate quote plucked completely out of context…and used as the foundational basis of a shaky doctrine used to try to keep abused spouses enslaved to their abuser.
The EXACT OPPOSITE of the overall context of the chapter in which God repeatedly denounces treacherous abuse of covenant vows.
I also love how people say ‘you can separate for safety”. THAT ISN’T IN THE BIBLE ANYWHERE!!!! People also forget in the OT that God sent armies to destroy those who came against His chosen people!!!! Alos, every christian/pastor I know who hold to no divorce ever has serious control issues. How sick is it to think “I can treat you as badly as I want, and you are stuck with me.” Is that really how Christ treats his bride? If you think that you can treat your spouse as badly as you want, and still get in to heaven because the abused can’t divorce, you don’t really know Jesus at all. I think He would have much more to say to those doing the hurting than to those being hurt, and seeking divorce.
Thank you-nicely said
Well spoken
Joe Pote, well spoken
Thank you~very well stated. I completely agree with your points.
Divorced Christians feel bad enough already and full of shame without others heaping on more.
Amen, amen and Amen!
oh and I love Angela Thomas’ books and her thoughts on this subject as well.
I love this post Sheila! My parents divorced when I was very young (mum left him because of emotional abuse, controlling and dangerous behaviour due to a mental illness, and probable adultery). Even as a child I was always amazed at how judgemental people were of my mother – mostly Christian people who I looked up to! I think in these circumstances we need to remember that judgement is God’s job because He knows better than us. Praise Him for His grace!
How do you then explain Romans 7:2&3, “For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another.” and I Corinthians 7:39, “The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; But if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.” The only circumstance in which the marriage bond can be broken, and remarriage would not be considered adultery, is when either of the spouses is dead. Also, marriage is a picture of the relationship of Christ and His Church. And we, as His Church, are unfaithful constantly in sin, but Christ remains faithful to us as His Bride…even when we are least deserving…so then shouldn’t we be faithful to our spouses…even when they are least deserving. If I’m not saying it’s always easy…this life is not easy, it is a continual death and “walk through the valley of the shadow of death”.
I think you’re ignoring the other verses in Corinthians which clearly say that she is no longer bound if he leaves.
Anon, you are trying to take an object lesson and make it say what you want to say. Paul was not teaching about marriage rules, but making a point about the Law. And under Jewish law, the situation he is describing is that of an “agunah” wife, one whom a husband refuses to give a decree which frees her to marry. The problem of “agunah” wives has persisted among conservative and orthodox Jews until today.
It might help if you knew something about Jewish marriage laws, teachings and customs of the first century. After all, Jesus and Paul didn’t operate in a vacuum.
Life isn’t supposed to be easy. You got that right. 🙂
Well thought out and Scriptural supported post on a difficult subject. I think another reason that God hates divorce is that the marriage relationship is used to show the relationship between Christ and the Church as explained in Ephesians 5.
Sadly though many marriages DO NOT represent Christ and the church in any way shape or form. We need to turn that phrase around. Instead of saying marriage represents Christ and the church, maybe we should say Christ and the church represents marriage. It takes on a whole different dynamic when you look at it that way.
You did very well in this article Shiela! Thank you!
In addition, there are believers male and female on the earth today that I respect. I know they have a good relationship with God. They have experienced divorce and they have remarried with a clear conscience, A truly clear conscience comes from God.
“But you are a God of forgiveness, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkiness.” (Nehemiah 9:17) May the God of hope fill you with joy, hope and peace as you trust in Him.” “Peace to the brethren and love with faith, from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.” Shalom, shalom.
Fantastic, smartly written article. Thank you.
Of course God forgives divorce, and allows it in some circumstances. Because of Paul’s admonition to “remain as you are”, I think it’s safe to say that remarried couples should remain as they are, and not get divorced – that would be kind self defeating, huh.
But if one is divorced, or interested in a divorced person, and knows Gods teaching against remarriage, WHY remarry?
Short answer: “My way, not God’s way.”
“I deserve to be happy and marry who I want.” (Coincidentally, the logic behind the gay marriage movement as well, whatever your stance on that may be)
If you truly believe that you should go on doing whatever you want so that “grace” may abound… well, there’s a book you should probably read. It’s one thing to have sinned in the past, before knowing Christ or understanding His teachings. It’s another to understand them, and choose to rebel anyway.
I can’t judge you, only God can do that. But if you’re unwilling to “deny yourself” and take up your cross… (which might be celibacy), what does that say about your spiritual walk?
What does that say about your spiritual walk? Maybe that one is not mature in Christ yet.
I don’t think that God forbids remarriage for all people. There is ‘remain as you are’ and if I took this as literally as others, that would mean that because I was saved at 13, and unmarried, than I should never have married in the first place. I Corinthians 7 says a lot, and it also talks about those that would burn in lust, being better married. Remarriage, in certain circumstances is allowable, if it prevents a person from sexual sin.
I concur!
So many people think about their happiness more than they value following God’s words and will. 🙁
The Bible only gives two grounds for divorce, and only has one passage which deals with divorce and remarriage. And they were all specific.
Divorce because of abuse is only allowed by human law. In such cases, the faith only recommends temporary separation.
Nowadays, many Christians have become lax regarding God’s high standards regarding marriage. Moreover, it’s sad that many Christians practice Hyper-Grace, and not the proper “version” of grace.
—-
Matthew 16:24
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.”
How much abuse to you believe Jesus would find acceptable in our effort to take up our cross?
I have no words to describe how profoundly impacted I am by this explanation of grace. I believe that I can translate this understanding of grace to so many other areas of life. At moments, I have wondered if God could accept my faith when I so struggle to believe and trust the very crux of the Gospel, grace. I feel hope that I will be able to live with His grace in a new way, particularly in my mind. Thank you.
I would like to pose some thoughts and questions on this topic, but would like to start with a couple of disclaimers… This is directed only at the topic of remarriage, not divorce, and only at the Christian interpretation of it, as the standards and beliefs are different than those of the secular community. I would also like to acknowledge the 8×10 beam in my own eye, and am not trying to point out anyone else’s sliver, or even their 2×4 plank. These comments are not judgements, but rather an effort to better understand God’s perfect design for men, women, and marriage.
That said, I have some questions and concerns in regards to his particular post (a first for me, I think;-) The defence of remarriage based on cultural norms is troubling. Our present (secular) culture finds it perfectly acceptable and normal, as did the ancient one, but if we are using that as sound reasoning, then we are opening the door to all sorts of endorsements of things like abortion being an option anytime, because our government says it’s okay, and polygamy being fine, because Abraham, Jacob, and all sorts of other old testament men of God had multiple wives and concubines. Tricky territory.
I also find the lack of commitment to our vows troubling. If we are truly promising our spouses that we will remain faithful to them and them alone, “until death do us part/for as long as we both shall live, in good times and bad,” but think that remarriage is a viable option if we are in fact irreconcilably different, then we need to change the wording of our vows accordingly. Our spouses might leave us, abuse us, or cheat on us, and yes, separation and/or divorce are sometimes necessary/unavoidable, but what about the idea of celibacy and faithfulness to our marriage vows, despite living apart? What about keeping the solemn promises we made, with God as our witness?
My greatest concern with the pro-remarriage stance, is that it closes the door on reconciliation. In our often self-focused lives, with popular culture selling us worldly happiness and instant gratification at every turn, we often lose sight of the fact that God’s timing is not our timing. We are potentially robbing God of His chance to show His Might, His glory, and His mercy when we move ahead with remarriage. We also rob ourselves of the amazing God-given fruits of our faithfulness: the joy and fulfillment of being satisfied with God and God alone, as we trust and lean wholly on Him.
There are consequences of every decision we make, and every action we take. God’s great wisdom, love, and mercy are great enough to cover all of them… good and bad. His promise and His love are more than sufficient. God forgives, but we still have to live with the consequences of our choices, and, unfortunately, often with the consequences of others’ choices. This is the reality of living in a fallen world, and being sinners (saved by grace, hallelujah!). I don’t have any concrete answers, only more questions. I look forward to following this discussion, and pursuing it further with other Christians I know.
God continue to bless you, Sheila, as you bless marriages (like mine) through your writing!
“Closing the door on reconciliation” is not always a bad thing.
For one married to an unrepentant perpetual abuser, the door needs to be slammed shut, padlocked, and sealed over.
When God redeemd and delivered Israel from Egypt, he certainly didn’t leave any doors open for reconciliation.
I was a Christian woman married to a professing Christian seminary man. He stopped going to church, stopped bible study, dropped his last classes and became emotional & verbal abusive. He filed for divorce and refused counseling. I held out for 3 years, praying he’d have a change of lifestyle & repentance. I didn’t want to have the scarlet D on my life, but it happened.
When I remarried 5 years later it was after much prayer & counseling & Godly wisdom from scripture and mentors.
My marriage now is everything God intended marriage to be. I still don’t understand why it happened this way. God has shown me grace, mercy, love, faithfulness and true joy!
Your words are full of wisdom. Thank you!!!
I had every reason to divorce my husband after I discovered he comitted Adultery with a woman who I thought was my friend. I was seriously considering leaving him….because God said I could. Until I read a post here on Sheila’s blog about how divorce affects children. My husband was willing to end the affair (it had already ended by the time I discvorered it) and wanted to work things out. So, no, I didn’t leave him….Instead, God has used my example for good. Our marriage is a work in progress and although it was over 3 years ago…we are better now than we were then.
That’s wonderful, Kelly! I’m so glad I could play a small part in that. That’s an honour. And there’s another story I’ve told here on this blog before too–a friend of mine’s husband had had a porn problem earlier in their marriage and had had a one night stand. She stuck with him. Then years later SHE met someone and split from her husband, claiming she had grounds. But by the time she split, he had recommitted himself to God. That totally wasn’t legitimate. I do believe that God can restore all things–but sometimes he doesn’t. And in those times, sometimes we need to leave. But an affair does NOT mean your marriage is necessarily over. A repentant heart can do amazing things!
As someone who’s marriage has survived a modern day christian’s version of “unpardonable” behavior. It really hurts my heart to see these discussions come up between people, secular and believers alike, over the grounds of divorce within the church. I have seen that restoration can, and does happen, if you give things over to God. We have to be careful not to set someone else up for failure by putting our opinions out there as the “law of the Lord.”
Reconciliation is an absolutely beautiful gift. It is one I longed for and prayed and begged for after my husband abandoned me and our children. I did absolutely everything I could to save the marriage. But when the spouse refuses to repent, to leave the adulterous relationship, to seek or hear counsel, or to believe any truth, there is simply nothing to be done. (That’s not including when he stops providing any financial support, which in this state can only legally be rectified by divorce proceedings.) There is nothing more heartbreaking and crushing than knowing that the best thing for the children – and the terribly difficult thing that you are more than willing to do – is completely out of your control.
It’s been 3.5 years now since he abandoned us, and a little over a year since the divorce was finalized. I am still waiting for the fullness of God’s redemption and the man who can love all of us. But there is no doubt in my mind that God has been with me throughout this horrific experience and will continue to bring about good things in spite of it.
Thank you for this! I appreciate how you always point us to the Gospel.
When dealing with issues of abuse, divorce, adultery, and remarriage, I think discerning God’s plan can be difficult, because none of it is part of God’s design.
Abuse isn’t part of God’s design for marriage.
Adultery isn’t part of God’s design for marriage.
Divorce isn’t part of God’s design for marriage.
Pornography isn’t part of God’s design for marriage.
Abandonment isn’t part of God’s design for marriage.
As soon as one party in the covenant steps outside of God’s design for marriage, they are no longer dealing with following a design, but asking God to work in a broken situation.
The question is no longer, “How can I follow God’s design for marriage?” But, “How is God going to bring healing to a broken situation?” And that will be different for every couple.
We see time and time again that God uses unconventional means to accomplish His purposes. Jesus met with the woman at the well. Jesus healed on the Sabbath. He countered legalism with God’s truth.
Marriage is supposed to be a picture of Christ and the Church. When one has divorced, perhaps the best way for her to truly see that picture of Christ, to live out that covenant, is to remarry. That can bring so much healing. It is by God’s grace, and God’s grace alone, that He should make way for a woman to remarry. Are divorce and remarriage in the original plan? No. But God’s grace builds a new plan, a new path. Obviously, these things cannot be taken lightly, but I believe that God is living and active and willing to give guidance to every couple. And I thank Him immensely for providing Christlike husbands to women who have been trampled on (literally or figuratively) by their spouses. Because a Christlike marriage provides a picture of Jesus, not abuse. Not adultery. And the world needs to see Christlike marriages. That will make a difference.
Wonderful comment! You are absolutely right.
Beautifully spoken~thank you
I am what the article calls a “divorce purist,” but I also believe in grace. My purist ideas come from Scripture. The verse that gives me great pause is I Corinthians 7:39. “A wife is bound as long as her husband lives;but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” If we are interpreting Scripture in light of Scripture, which the author seems to imply in her discussion of abuse (& I whole-heartedly agree that Scripture needs to be interpreted in light of other Scripture), then this verse should cause us to stop and really evaluate our convictions, IMO. This verse does not seem to leave much wiggle room. It has even made me wonder and research about the supposed adultery exception. Even if adultery is allowed, the author seems to open the door to many exceptions, “adultery, abuse, abandonment, and other major sins…”. I would agree that there are times when the family needs to be separated from a bad situation, like abuse. I am in agreement that neither you nor your kids should stay in an abusive situation (or other severe circumstances). There are times when specific action needs to be taken and sometimes the offending spouse needs a very clear wake up call, short of divorce. What I disagree with is that this is done for the keeping up of appearances. I would contend that this is done for the sake of obedience. God does not call us to comfort and happiness, He calls us to obedience (Abraham & Isaac, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, & Abed-nego in Babylon, Hosea & Gomer, Jesus & the cross). Again, referring to I Cor. 7:39, it seems very clear that marriage is for a lifetime, “’til death do we part.” A separation, ideally with the goal of reconciliation and healing, may be needed. It is not though a farce. It is a real response to a bad situation. Also, if marriage is for life, then could it be that even if you get a “worldly” divorce, in the eyes of God you are still married? If so, then staying single after a divorce is not keeping up appearances, but being obedient. Most Christians would not say that if you are any kind of bad marriage, but you are still married in the eyes of the state, that you should go out and find someone new. It’s not being a happiness crusher but being a keeper of the vows. Should it be any different if the state says you are divorced but God still sees you as married? If that is the case then it no longer is about your happiness, or your rights, or your anything else. It is about obedience to the vows that God still sees as valid. I’m not saying that the situation wouldn’ t be difficult. But then, obedience rarely is. On the flip side, I do agree with the author. If you have grounds for divorce, then you have grounds for remarriage. If God sees your marriage as dissolved, then you are no longer married.
Having said all of that, let me be clear, I am not a hater of divorced people. I don’t walk around condemning all remarried people. If you are remarried, I hope that you have a wonderful, God-centered & glorifying marriage. Given how He views divorce, I can’t imagine that he would want you to end this marriage now that you are married. I would though not counsel for divorce. Please understand, being obedient to the Scriptures does not make one lacking in grace. Having a frank discussion of the tenants of Scripture will hopefully though help those who are not in that situation to make up their minds as to what they believe before the situation occurs because then emotions are involved as well.
Hi Sheila,
Loved the post! It’s a bummer that people can be so judgmental with their opinions. Christ never wanted us to force our opinions on others, but to speak in love. We are all to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling, not tell each other how to interpret Scripture – that is the job of the Holy Spirit. There is no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, so we must not condemn others for disagreeing with us.
We will all give an account of our lives, so better to just mind our own business & do our best to live out what we believe the Holy Spirit is showing us. Any truth/opinion presented in an uncompassionate manner is not from God – Truth and Love must be equally balanced. Our example is the life of Jesus.
Christians will never agree on every topic. I appreciate you laying everything out this explanation in a loving, honest way without insisting your way is the only way. Continue to do what you believe God has called you to do – you are an encouragement to so many women!
If just one confused woman gains peace from this post and understands God’s direction for her marriage, then it’s worth all the negative comments. Thanks!
Two comments:
1 – About “abuse as grounds for divorce”, in Prov. 21, we are told it is better to live in the corner room on a roof (v. 9) or in a desert (v. 19) than with a brawling spouse. By inference, get away from him/her. (Even Paul Byerly noted the possible significance, last month in a Generous Husband post.
2 – “God hates divorce.” But divorce was okay in Ezra 10? Also, I’ve discovered that several newer translations word Mal. 2:16 differently, including the newer version of the NIV. Newer translations don’t say “God hates divorce….”, but hating the man who divorces his wife. And there might be more to the story than that, as I’m finding out.
■ “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the LORD…: (ESV)
■ “If he hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD God… (Holman)
■ He that rejects her, sending her away, said the LORD (Jubilee)
■ When thou shalt hate her put her away, saith the Lord (Douay)
■ “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD (NIV)
Just a thought, with no judgement intended, regarding remarriage only, not divorce…
If marriage is an earthly example of Christ’s relationship with the church, If He is the Bridegroom, and we are the bride, how would we feel if upon us turning away from Him, and/or sinning against Him, he not only turned away, but found another lover, thus closing the door on our potential prodigal return? If I am the example of Christ’s love to my (Wayward? Abusive? Absent?) spouse, what does it say to them of Christ’s love if I break my vow and close the door on reconciliation, by moving on with a newer, better-for-me lover of my soul (and body)? I may find the relationship that Christ had in mind for His earthly church, but I have become a massive stumbling block for the erring spouse.
p.s. Thank you Jen Cudmore, for your comments of love and encouragement. I agree that we don’t all see eye to eye, and many comments can either seem, or actually be very judgemental. I often find that I have more questions than answers, and enjoy reading the comments section, as while there isn’t always agreement, there are some wonderful, loving points of view to go along with some of the harsher tones (which can be valuable, too). We all need to draw certain hard lines in our own lives, but also recognize that they pertain only to our own lives, and not thrust them on others. It is good, too, that people know where we stand, and why. May we all exude grace, love, understanding and encouragement as we seek to be better spouses, and more passionate lovers of Christ!
What are the biblical views on a couple that remarry after they both committed adultery together? What does God think of their remarriage?
My parents divorced after I married. My mom saw how happy I was when I came back from honeymoon and decided to leave. Having had the pressure on me all the years of keeping the family together, then failing because I was happy has heaped so much guilt on me, I can’t even begin to understand all of it. I do know that my life altered when my parents divorced. Because I had failed, because I was the reason… Cognitively, I know that’s not true, but its how I feel. While I know there are reasons for divorce – and legitimate ones – I am deeply ashamed that I am the only one in my circle of friends to come from a broken home and that Baby Girl asks me questions like, “why did Granddad not want to be married to Granny anymore” when I know that he did. How do I answer that? And the fact that I still hurt about this after 10 years tells me of the huge impact it has had. And all this anxiety I battle with – is a direct result from my parents divorcing. For not trying hard enough – not for me, but for their own sake. Which is why I am loving reading Gary Thomas’ book – a Lifelong Love. Its got to be more about whether I just feel like it or not. I pray for God’s grace that I can be the wife He created me to be. And not follow in my mother’s footsteps. I love my husband so much – and after 15 years of marriage I still feel anxious about our relationship.
Sheila –
Good stuff here. Thank you. We at A Cry for Justice (cryingoutforjustice.com) have been working and writing and posting for three years now with much of the very same message, specifically ministering to abuse victims who in so many cases have been further abused by their pastors, churches, and fellow Christians when they went to them and asked for help. If you would like to have a copy of my book, send me an email at [email protected] with your mailing address and I will be glad to send you one. Blessings in Christ, Jeff Crippen
Thank you for this post and the last one you wrote. It was so refreshing to a soul like mine that is still healing from divorce. My story is unique in that I was one of those “divorce purists” (I believed absolutely no divorce or remarriage) for almost 10 years before God showed me the truth. I became a believer within my first marriage, and my ex-husband was not interested. I lived a godly life, believing that my behavior would cause him to change his mind. Over a period of almost 10 years, he committed adultery at least 20 times and he also abandoned me and our son. I hung in there, believing for reconciliation for all of those years. Even when we were separated and I knew he was committing adultery, I would not divorce. I believed that he would turn to the Lord and our marriage would absolutely be restored. A woman challenged me once with the words, “if God doesn’t answer that prayer….” I simply wouldn’t hear it…it was black and white to me. Two and a half years ago, my ex-husband filed for divorce. He remarried his mistress a month after it was finalized and moved thousands of miles away. Last year they had their first child together. During all of that time, I continued to endure the pain and tell God that I would wait and reconcile if that was His will. Fast-forward to today….I am recently remarried to a godly man and there is no denying that God brought him into my life. How in the world did I go from being a “purist” to having a completely clear conscience in being remarried? Only God can do that. It would take me pages to explain the work that God had to do in my heart to get me to surrender to his truth on divorce and remarriage, and to the plan He had for ME. He had a purpose in everything that He allowed me to go through, and this was just how HIS story played out in my life (so far). Not everything is black and white with God, and I’m finding that you can always find his grace and guidance in those gray areas if you just trust that He will show you the way.
Brooke –
I am smiling as I read your comment. I see so many similarities between your story and mine.
I, too, was taught that ‘divorce is not an option for a Christian.’ I too, thought if I just believed deeply enough, prayed devoutly enough, worked hard enough, loved sacriffically enough…that somehow, someway, God would miraculously intervene to heal the marriage.
God did work in powerful ways…but God does not violate free will.
That marriage ultimately ended in divorce. Today, I see God’s hand throughout…life deviated significantly from MY plan…but it was all within God’s plan. The things i learned of God during that experience, I woudl not trade for anything.
God is ever faithful!
Thank you, for sharing!
Thank you Joe!
Amazing story~Happy that you have found the type of marriage that I believe God wants for us.
This post was very thorough and very well thought out. It is definitely sound from a Scriptural standpoint as well.
I am in the beginnings of a divorce right now. I have been married for several years to my wife, who I dearly love. Sadly, she has no love for me and has no desire to stay maried. She has, for the most part, renounced biblical Christianity. I am an imperfect individual, but I have done nothing to give biblical grounds for a divorce. Since all divorces where I am are treated as “no-fault”, I can do nothing but pray that God would intervene.
There was a big sting for me in this article: that of not working. Oh, I have ALWAYS wanted to work to support my family. For years and years I have looked for work, but, despite my education, employers always would turn me away because of my disability. I have done my best to take care of things at home and to bring my children up to know the Lord. I do my best to homeschool them, and God has helped me immensely with this.
I don’t want to be alone…and the pain of loving someone who wants nothing to do with me is immense. I can only imagine how Christ felt when He, in love, gave Himself for a wretch such as myself. Each day I wonder, “Will today be the day that this marriage ends?” while praying for God’s intervention.
While I want for restoration to take place, I am the only one who does. Maybe God will restore this marriage, and maybe not. Maybe He will lead me to love again in the future…but, in all reality, I could not see anyone want to have anything to do with someone who cannot act as a provider. Regardless, I want to be nearer to the Lord, for myself and for my children…even if I have to remain alone here on Earth. Each day, I am yearning more and more to be home in Heaven.
Thank you for posting this, and thank you for just being real, being who you are.
Wow, thank you for sharing your heart. I have been exactly where you are. Wanting restoration so badly, and just getting rejected over and over. It is very painful. I think the pain of rejection and divorce is one of the worst types of pain you can feel. It truly gives perspective on how Jesus felt when His people rejected Him. Loving someone unconditionally through the rejection is such a privilege in my opinion because it gives us the ability to respond like He did. I will pray for your wife’s heart and for the restoration of your marriage. I will also pray for you to continue to trust Him no matter what and for healing both physically and emotionally. God has something above and beyond what you can imagine for you in this life – He is a rewarder to those who seek Him.
Brooke,
Thank you so much for your kind words, and especially for your prayers. I am very grateful for any and all prayers from God’s people concerning this matter. Please pray for my wife to come back to the Lord, and please pray that God would show me all of my faults which need to be fixed, and give me the grace to fix them, regardless of what takes place.
I started out my life in a bad way, and I want to finish my race a godly man. Regardless of the outcome of this marriage, I do not want it to ever be said that I did not love my wife. Even in the valley of the shadow of death, God is good.
Sheila,
I just want to commend you on a very courageous post on a very important topic.
While my perspective may not perfectly align with yours on every single point, I very much appreciate your taking the time to biblically explore this topic…to look past the legalistic debates common within our church culture…to search out the heart of God…His heart of love, grace, mercy and redemption…and to courageously speak out on your understanding of God’s truth.
You’ve taken a lot of harsh flak within the post comments. Don’t let it get to you. Hold fast to the truth God has shown you and keep searching His word.
If you’d like to read some from another blogger with a heart for standing up for those who are hurting, you might enjoy this post: http://josephjpote.com/2012/06/free-to-remarry/
Blessings to you, and keep up the good work!
Thank you, Joe! I love what you said in the post you linked–you and your wife didn’t get “remarried”, you “married”. Blessings!
Sheila, I love it that you bravely and graciously stepped into this topic, knowing that it would be a hotbed of controversy!
I was a very judgmental Christian regarding divorce, probably a ‘purist’ without having really examined it… until about a year ago. I began counseling with a Christian therapist with the stated goal of no longer fantasizing about leaving my husband. Within a few sessions she had helped me understand what was really going on – my husband is an alcoholic and was in a binge cycle, and my kids were absorbing lots of hurt from our constant conflict. When my counselor recommended that I make a plan to leave if it became necessary I recoiled in shock – after all, I knew he hadn’t cheated! And he wasn’t violent. He just chose alcohol instead of his family, and when he was sober he felt guilty and defensive. After thinking it over and praying, I confronted him with an ultimatum (calmly and sadly): quit drinking or I have to leave. I can’t let our kids grow up thinking this is how marriage is supposed to be.
and PRAISE GOD – he has been sober ever since, we’ve had lots of marriage counseling, he is faithful to attend AA and work his program, and we are happier than ever because now we know how to work through conflict well. He says that God used me to change him. I see positive changes of strength and peace and joy blooming in my own life as we both continue to heal.
And I really would have left, with the hope and prayer of reconciliation. My responsibility was to protect my children (toddlers at the time) since my husband’s relationship with alcohol was more important to him than his family.
I just can’t be a ‘purist’ anymore on this topic; I have to assume that God who calls us to be holy is also the one who sanctifies us HIMSELF – even if we followed all the rules, he would be the one to make our hearts holy! So I trust Him to lead, and I trust that when I stumble and make mistakes, he forgives. Including in marriage decisions.
That’s wonderful, Ellie! I’m so glad you found a wise counselor, and so glad that your husband listened to God (and to you!) and chose the right path. That’s such an encouraging story!
“Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible” by Jay E. Adams is a great resource on this topic. I do believe these are black and white issues and Jay lays out when divorce and remarriage are allowed. Much is the same as Sheila has presented but he is more limited on when divorce is allowed. I think people do have to realize that other processes are also involved as their are differences between unbelievers and believers. Church discipline comes into play on whether a spouse in sin is willing to repent or if they are to be considered an unbeliever. I think God’s main reason for hating divorce is that it means someone isn’t forgiving their spouse and God doesn’t have good things to say about those unwilling to forgive after all He has forgiven us. This means, even if people can divorce due to the sin of their spouse doesn’t mean they should as they are not forgiving their spouse. This also doesn’t mean one stays in an abusive situation, but that doesn’t mean divorce is the solution.
I agree! That’s more biblically-grounded and traditional. 🙂
Sheila, As much of your writing does amount to counseling, I recommend Jay E. Adams materials in addition to the book I mentioned in my previous post. I think these will reinforce much of what you say but may also provoke other thoughts that will enhance your already excellent work. Hope you can find something of interest. Thank you for all your work.
Okay, having done a lot of research, reading, and asking people who really do Theology, I share my learnings:
God would rather have us grow hearts of flesh
There are only two biblical grounds for divorce:
1. When a spouse commits adultery against the other.
2. When one spouse is an unbeliever, and then the unbeliever leaves the believer.
There is only one passage that deals with divorce and remarriage:
– when a person divorces his wife and then marries another, then that person commits adultery.
— however, when a person divorces his wife because said wife committed adultery against him, and then he marries another, then that person does not commit adultery.
– remember, it is the innocent party who is given the permission to remarry.
Remember:
– God hates divorce.
– He says that what he has put together as one flesh, let no man separate.
– He says that it would be better for someone to remain single after a divorce, or to reconcile with his former spouse.
– He only “allowed” divorce/ set-up guidelines for divorce not because he wants to, but because of the hardness of people’s hearts.
– Separation is an option during certain circumstances. Divorce is an option after an offense, not a requirement. Remarriage is an option for the innocent party, but it is not required of him.
– The Bible does not include spousal abuse (or even child abuse), in the form of physical, emotional, and/ or psychological abuse, as a ground for divorce. Only human law allows divorce in this case. Here, the faith recommends temporary separation (the duration of the separation is dependent upon the couple’s context.)
– Finally, he encourages forgiveness and reconciliation, not divorce.
Again, please be careful of a Hyper-Grace understanding of grace..
When thinking of grace, please remember these:
1.) John 8:10-12
“When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.”
— remember, forgiveness was given, but the price was no longer committing the sin of adultery.
2.) Hebrews 10:26-27
“If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.”
— remember, if you now know what is right in God’s eyes, and what is wrong in God’s eyes, and yet you still choose to disobey his words and will, then you must seriously review what salvation entails.
All in all, God forgives. But remember, he always demands the cessation of sinful practices/ a sinful lifestyle before he forgives in abundance. Please, be careful about grace.
Lance,
God extends grace to those who choose to repent and turn from sin. I fully agree.
You seem to feel grace is offered up too freely. I personally feel that grace and love is not offered up others as freely as condemnation and judgement.
Your scriptural examples are right on when it comes to an abusive spouse who continues in sin but if you’re trying to use them to condemn someone who has chosen divorce, they don’t cut it.
1) Jesus knew all about the woman’s sinful life but extended His grace and forgiveness towards her even before she stopped living in sin. He didn’t condemn her for how she been living, He simply told her to go sin no more.
So too, IF a spouse who is abusive in a marriage is truly forgiven by Christ they will repent of their wrongdoing and stop abusing their family. Period. God won’t condemn them, He will simply extend grace and forgiveness to them. But unfortunately, when a person chooses to continue breaking up their family with abuse the natural consequence is often divorce. And it is then the condemnation should fall on the abuser NOT the one who chooses to divorce. God knows our lives, He knows where we are at and as much as He hates seeing His people divorce He also knows that it may be necessary where violence and abuse is involved.
2.) And this one, how I love it! If one is a true believer and knows right from wrong, then they do not continue in a sinful behavior — how I agree! We are all sinners and will all struggle with sin, but a true believer chooses to resist sin and cease a sinful behavior.
Most abusers on the other hand will continue in their wicked ways destroying their marriage and family, which often leads to the question of whether they are truly saved to begin with. So, yes, I agree that an abuser needs to repent and turn from their abusive ways, and if they don’t — hmm, it makes one wonder if that person truly has salvation.
Oh, but again, I forgot, you are not talking about the person who breaks the marriage covenant with abusive/sinful behaviors, you are talking about the person who chooses to divorce because of that unrepentant sinful behavior.
Every single believer is a sinner who needs God’s grace daily. And one wonderful thing about God’s grace is how He gives it without added condemnation.
The woman at the well — He knew exactly how she’d been living her life. He didn’t throw it in her face or lecture her. He simply told her what she had been doing and she admitted that she had been living in a sinful way. And then Jesus extended forgiveness and grace to her without condemning her for what she had done.
Yes, we are to turn from sinful behavior and sin no more if we truly have repented and know Jesus Christ. And a true believer will WANT to do what is right, but will often FAIL many times. And this is where God’s grace comes in.
But you know, there was a group of people whom Jesus did condemn often though and did not extend His grace — the Pharisees. He was basically fed up with their holy-than-thou attitude they had because of how they felt they were better than everyone else because they tried so hard to keep the law. They judged and condemned everyone else, and Jesus condemned them for doing so.
You know, Lance, there are two ways to be lost and only way to be found. Luke 15:11-31
We may become lost because of trying to walk on our own without the Lord thinking we can make a better life for ourselves or we can try to earn His grace and salvation by holding on so tightly to rules and laws that it causes us to sin by judging and condemning everyone else around us.
The good news is there is only one way to be found — one way home — through the Father!
Whenever someone decides life is not so great without the Lord and choose to come home to Him, you know what He does? He comes running out to meet them with open arms and throws a party! He doesn’t condemn them for what they did, He doesn’t lecture them about not keeping the rules and laws, He doesn’t turn His back because He hates divorce and cannot believe someone would do something so sinful! Nope, He instead extends grace and mercy, and welcomes His children to Him with open arms.
But to the one who grumbles how unfair it is that the Father never threw him a party for all the years he stayed with the Him and kept the rules ever so religiously, the Father says to him — but you have always been with me and I’ve given you everything so either come join the party to celebrate one who has been found or go throw your own party! Stop condemning and thinking you are above everyone else.
It’s time for believers to stop condemning other believers and trying to show how sinful they are all because some things in life happen and people make the best decisions they can or sometimes make the only decision possible given the circumstances of their life.
Does God hate divorce? Yes, because He hates the destructive/abusive actions and behaviors of an unrepentant person which often times lead to divorce.
So in a nutshell, God hates abuse, God hates violence directed at His children and God hates that sometimes families will be broken not by divorce but by the sinful behaviors of those who never choose to come home to Him where forgiveness and grace will be extended.
Stop criticizing, stop judging, stop trying to lay the law down. Most believers who live with abuse stay in those marriages for far too long because of people like yourself, Lance, who are so worried about keeping the law to the letter that you offer up more condemnation and judgement, than love and grace.
Thanks for these words~
Lance, thanks for your comments that are obviously well thought out. I won’t address everything because I said what I wanted to in my post. But I would like to comment on the “God hates divorce” statement. I hear that verse–Malachi 2:16–quoted quite a bit when this debate comes up. The problem, though, is that people seem to be using it for the opposite of how God used it.
First, when God says “I hate divorce”, it was in the context of talking to men who had been unfaithful to their faithful wives. He was railing against unfaithfulness. Yet when this verse is often used, it is used to tell women whose husbands are being unfaithful or whose husbands are abusing them that God hates divorce. God was not addressing these women; he was addressing the men who had made a sham of the marriage covenant.
Second, God Himself divorces. In Jeremiah 3:6-13, God tells Judah that he has issued a certificate of divorce to faithless Israel, as a warning to Judah.
Certainly God hates divorce, but He also knows that sometimes it is necessary.
Third, God hates many things, and yet we often imply that God hates divorce most of all. In Proverbs 6:16-19, God lists 7 things He hates. “One who sows discord in a family” is #7, and certainly divorce falls under this. But it is not the only thing he hates, and I think sometimes those who have divorced feel a unique condemnation, like they have somehow committed the unpardonable sin. Not true.
Fourth, what does God hate more–those moving away from Him and more and more into a lifestyle of darkness, or the breaking of a covenant? I believe that often by staying in a destructive marriage we enable sin, and we are never to do that. To say that to divorce in cases of abuse is simply “human law” rather than God’s law implies that it is somehow lesser, like God says “I suppose I’ll let it go”. No! God fights for his children. Do you honestly think that if Jesus were standing right there in a room where a man was hitting his wife, he would tell the wife, “you have to stay married to him”? No. I think he would take a whip of cords…
Fifth, divorce is not necessarily the breaking of a covenant. The breaking of that covenant preceded the divorce–the divorce simply puts it down on paper. If someone beats his wife, he has broken that covenant. If someone habitually has affairs, he (or she) has broken that covenant. The one who divorces did not break the covenant; it was already broken.
Wonderful response! Love it!
As I tried to read through all these posts about sin and judgment my head began to spin as it seems to me theres no wrong answer. John 3:15. Sin is sin and we all sin even after being born again. One sin is not greater than another. I am faced with an adulterous wife that has slept with at least 3 different men since we married that I found out about. I chose to forgive her each time and keep the marriage. But it still affected me. I love her deeply and the children she had from her previous marriage (her husband left her for another woman) but I lost intimacy. She could come to me anytime she wanted and I would not push her away but I couldn’t seem to initiate it myself. Shes thrown divorce in my face our whole 8 year marriage over stupid stuff. I did want to divorce her at year 5 when I found out about #3 who was my best friend at the time but she begged me at the time to give her another chance. I think shes mentally unstable. She brought me to Christianity and I was baptized before we married but was not baptized herself until 4 years into our marriage (yes that means within 1 year of that she was doing my best friend). Tonight our jack russel who never bites anyone attacked and bit her face tearing her eyelid. I did not see what happened but ran to the back when heard the dogs growling and fighting and she came in with blood running out of her eye. Shocked I started asking details and trying to determine the extent of damage to her eye. As I was driving her home from the hospital I was accused of defending the dog in the way I asked the questions and that I never give her support. I tried to explain I was merely trying ascertain if the dog was a family risk or was it provoked by something else IE. the other dog. She started getting very emotional and went into tears accusing me further. I was outraged. Mind you in the 8 years I have spent with this person she is always at war with at least one family member. Always verbally attacking one of her kids or me and tonight she has once again told me to get out she wants a divorce. Accused me of homosexuality with a friend I only see once every six months and brought up every dirty detail from our past. I am at my breaking point. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle? Well it wasn’t God that gave me her then. I have had enough. I left my home country of USA to live in Australia with her and lost my career because Australia doesn’t recognize my trade certs. I haven’t seen my family in 6 years. Its time to move on. I asked God for a sign before I made the big move. I got one but my heart was too soft to let her go. Now its not. I am almost certain now divorce is what God wants for me.
Excellent Sermon:
Love, American Style. Divorce in the Church
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?m=t&s=1090612628
Agreed with your post… After my husband of 19 years not only had an affair & left me for that woman I certainly still got judged by others at the church. I didn’t want a divorce ( I prayed & prayed for God to work it out..he didn’t btw & I tried to get him to go to counseling and work it out, but nope he filed for divorce and got granted the divorce. So what about those women that have both abandonment & adultery?
God gave me the ultimate grace and blessed me with a man that is wonderful, and I am so incredibly happy, in love & gasp REMARRIED..
. it really is disgusting some of these comments that we should never remarry under any circumstances, that is goes against God’s word… Hmm.. did having adultery & abandonment in the marriage go WITH God’s word? NO. Sometimes as much as we want things to work out, they don’t and it is out of our personal control. I didn’t want to be divorced but it happened… So people need to STOP judging, be compassionate and full of God’s grace towards others. You have NO idea what happened in that marriage. A marriage is between 2 people and God.. Not us.. We need to STOP JUDGING & Love others!
Could I please humbly ask for your prayers?
Nearly a year ago, my wife left to live with another man. I tried my absolute best to encourage reconciliation; I loved, I prayed, I poured my soul out to the Lord. I loved and still do love this woman. I have forgiven, but now the divorce is nearly finali9zed…As far as I can see, it is over. I was told that I was an attempt to solve problems of the past, but that there was never a reciprocated love for me. I do not regret the past one-third of my life which was dedicated to loving this woman, but it seems that this chapter is coming to a close…
Our young children have, for the most part, been with me throughout all of this. I want to be a godly example to them, I want to continue to point them toward the Saviour, as imperfect and as pained as I am and as emotional as I can sometimes be. Our children are so loving, and so many people are surprised that they are children of divorce because they are always so happy and content. I count this all to the grace of God.
For those who have gone through this,can I please ask a few questions?
I have learned, for the most part, to live without the presence of my soon-to-be-ex-wife…I cannot make her feel something that just simply is not there, so I have to let go. I am so thankful that the children are primarily with me, and I do not mean to belittle that whatsoever, but I am trying to figure out how to cope with this deep, cold, indescribable loneliness. All throughout the marriage, I longed for companionship, but that was sadly a one-way street; it was a very lonely marriage, but I hoped and prayed that things would change all throughout the years… How do I deal with this loneliness? The boys and I attend church and I often take them to the park or to other places in order to keep busy, but when they go to bed, it all sets in…I pray through the nights a lot of the time…
I am a disabled father. Although I have many good credentials on my resume, after several years of diligently seeking employment, even with honors marks on my diplomas, I have found no employer who wants to “risk” hiring me. I have given up on the idea of reconciliation…and I pray for God’s grace in remarriage someday…a marriage which would truly last for the rest of my life. But then the thoughts come in: What woman would want a man who cannot find a job? What interest would someone have in a disabled man? Is there any hope for me in this area? Has anyone out there had any similar experiences?
I am sorry for the lengthy post. I guess I am just trying to reach out to others who may be suffering as I am…others who understand.
Even if you do not reply to this, may I ask that you please pray for my children and I?
Thank you.
The judge signed off on the divorce this week…It is over…
Time to go forward, by the grace and the mercy of God.
This morning I stumbled on this post and I lay in bed weeping after reading this. This is an area that I have struggled with for years and this post just helped me to have reassurance of God’s love, but also his grace.
I’m so glad!
I have read everyone’s posts on this website and have just one question. If you truly believe that God put you on this earth for His glory and not your own, would standing and waiting for God’s timing to change the marriage (trusting God with all your heart and leaning not on your own understanding) vs. filing for divorce bring Him glory? Nowhere in the bible does it promise that you will be happy as a Christian, in fact, it states the exact opposite, that suffering brings faith, and the trusting in God and walking with Christ lead to the fruits of the Holy Spirit (joy & peace). I suspect that the reason that 90% of Christians divorce is because one or both spouses at each other for happiness, and this is in direct conflict with God’s Word as he requires us to 1) love him with all our hearts 2) and treat others as we would want to be treated. If we look to others on this earth to bring us happiness, we will always be let down. Trust in God and wait for his timing!
Todd,
I stood and waited for God to work in my abusive marriage…I waited 20 years and tried my hardest to change myself so my ex would change. And God did change that marriage — He destroyed! And my favorite verse, Proverbs 3:5-7, was the one I lived by for years, but you left out the best part — verse 7: Do not be wise in your own eyes, fear the Lord and shun evil.
Abuse is evil and when the Lord set me free by removing my abusive ex from our home 6 years ago, that is when my real suffering began.
You see, the whole suffering for our faith has been turned upside down and inside out. Suffering for our faith has nothing to do with suffering through evil, our suffering for our faith happens when we stand up for what is right — 1 Peter 2:20: But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.
When my ex walked out on me and our two sons and I stood firm not allowing any more abuse (evil) ever again in my home, that is when my suffering truly started. Even God is saddened by and hates divorce BECAUSE of why it happens — violence and evil within a marriage. When I stood up for what was right I suffered greatly. I lost friends, I lost a church family, I even lost the relationship with my oldest son for a while, but God never left me and worked greatly in my life. Why do assume that God would not be the one to dissolve a marriage? Why is it we think those who divorce do not have enough faith or have not waited for God to work in their lives?
In an ideal world, there would be no abuse in marriage, there would be no discourse of any kind. We would all love one another as Christ tells us too, but that just isn’t reality. And you are right that most likely many people look to their spouses for their own happiness and that just isn’t going to happen, but in some cases it’s much bigger than that and while it takes two people to get married, it often only takes one to destroy the marriage when they do not turn to God asking Him to change their evil ways.
And
Todd Sealy, I truly believe God put me on earth for his glory as you say. So how would you address a terrible christian marriage bringing him dishonour? Non-christian friends say to me – your abusive marriage puts me off God/ you putting up with violence and abuse for decades makes me never want to know God/ your marriage is exactly whats wrong with religion!/ why would your God want you to suffer so much?/ Your God expects you to endure abuse rather than escape and thrive, which makes me angry and makes me hate him/ etc.
So in my case, waiting for God to change my marriage is an active, non-glorifying, off putting act.
It’s hard to live with, knowing that instead of bringing my friends into the kingdom as I long to do, I am actively discouraging them by my actions of staying with my long term abuser.
I would like to say thank you for this post! I married at 17 because I truly loved the person I was with. We were married for 9 years, the last 4 of which were a waking nightmare! He was verbally and physically abusive, he screamed at me and went into blazing hot rages in front of me and my children. Oh and he has ‘religion’. He believed that he and a few other men from a particular church were soldiers of God meant to ‘slay the false prophets spreading garbage in the world’. I stayed and I stayed and I stayed. I lost my home, my children and my sanity because of people who told me that divorce was wrong and because I wouldn’t listen to the nudge of the Holy Spirit telling me to leave the situation. We married in 1997 and separated in 2005. Still I hoped he would change but in 2007 he went to jail ( I forgot about the time that he walked into my friend’s house and dragged me out by my pony tail and started beating me in the middle of the road in 2006) he was arrested for drugs, then theft of property and then domestic violence for beating his girlfriend up. I finally filed for divorce. He has been in prison for 4 years now. So telling people who are in abusive relationships to stay is a horrible thing to do. If you have never lived it, be quiet.
This post is so very important and I hope women will share it far and wide!
I am struggling w this very situation. He is catholic I am methodist. We hv been married for a little over 2 years. I have since grown closer to God attend church, read daily, study the bible. Reciently I hv felt the call to Stephen Ministries. Which is not supported by my spouse. He rarely attends church, does not study because he already know what the Bible says. Will not engage in discussing the bible w me. He is highly anxious, accusatory, demanding and attacks me for my relationship w God. I feel trapped in a Godless relationship. I do not feel like this is the spouse God would want me to be with. My walk w him is being hindered by my spouse. I made a wrong decision to marry and did not wait for the one God chose for me. I have been praying for my spouse but since then I hv been drawing further away. I do feel like I’m not w my God chosen spouse. No abuse, no adultery but my walk w a God is not what he wants from me because of my spouse. Help I’m so conflicted and torn. My heart is completely shattered I want to follow God but not sure how. When I pray I get the feeling being alone w a God would be better than Married without him.
Thank you so much for posting this. I come from a romanian conservative church who absolutely look down upon divorce. My aunt is going through divorce and everyone thinks she’s gonna go to hell. The fact that her husband would beat her everyday and threaten to kill her and commit adultery was okay, but divorce is not. I wish everyone in my church understood what I just read on your post.
Thank you for writing about this touchy subject! I found myself divorced at age 31 with three children, ages 3, 6 and 8. I was always incredibly anti-divorce. I even found myself judging those whom divorced thinking, “That is SO wrong, God hates divorce!” Little did I know I was living with a psychopath. 6 years ago, my then husband came to me to tell me that he had been having sex with men, women, prostitutes, had sexually abused our dogs and molested our daughter when she was 2 years old. He told me of the pornography he’d been involved with since he was 16 and had also molested some animals when he was a teenager (as well as molesting his younger brother of 6 years and some other disgusting perverted things). He explained that while sitting in church with me on Sunday’s he would feel a horrible cold chill whenever Jesus Christ’s name was mentioned. He told me he could feel Satan hovering about him all the time and had become paralyzed multiple times in the past while watching demons go inside of him.
I had forgiven him when we were dating for cheating and lying a couple of times, because I felt I had to being a Christian. What I should not have done was stayed with him. He was my first boyfriend and I was trying to do what I thought was “right”. I cannot even tell you the thousands of lies this man told me over the 11 years I was with him.
I was horrified. I went to get tested for every STD possible immediately, took our precious daughter to have her genitals inspected by professionals for signs of sexual abuse, dealt with police detectives, social workers from children’s services, etc.
My pastor told me that the marriage had to die. He said it was never a real marriage and that this man should not be married to anyone. I heard God’s voice yelling, “GET OUT NOW. GET OUT NOW.” My sister in law called me and told me to move in with them.
I didn’t know how to leave because I had made a vow that had already possibly cost me my health, my children’s safety and my little girl’s self esteem and other things. I left. And it was brave and it changed my life. I started to see the ways he had sexually abused me including rape. God LOVES us! He wants to PROTECT HIS own!! My ex was obviously NOT one of God’s, last I heard he was living with a woman with a child and he told me he was still involved in pornography. I have no idea how many other children he has molested or raped, but my hope is that he will be locked up to keep other women and children safe.
It drives me nuts to hear religious zealots claiming if you divorce you are disappointing God, ect. I heard in my spirit my Lord telling me to run to safety! My case is extreme. I know that. However, God does not want anyone to be abused, especially when that person has no conscience and will not change. He speaks about those whose hearts are hard. They do not change. They do not want to change. And 6 years later, I am still single. Mostly because I am still traumatized by my ex husband. I am safe alone. My children are safe with just me. God has sustained me thus far and I trust He will continue to do so.
[Formerly “A Hurting Husband”]
Sophie – Wow…I am so sorry to hear all that you and your children have gone through.
I was like you, in a way, although my case was not so extreme. I was married for eleven years, and I suffered through many cases of emotional and then physical infidelity on the part of my ex-wife. I loved her, and I wanted to hold to the vows which I had made. I hoped and prayed that things would change, but they only grew worse. When it boiled down to it, however, I did file for divorce.
I am now a single father of two precious little boys. For me, however, I want to remarry. For eleven years, I lived in a marriage in which love was given, but not reciprocated. I yearned so desperately for companionship, but never received it. I still have so much love to give, and I literally beg God each day that He would bring a God-fearing Christian woman into my life, someone who would come to be my best friend and who would one day be my wife and mother figure to my sons, helping me to provide a sound and stable Christian home and to point them to the Lord Jesus Christ.
I can only imagine how traumatized you must be from your situation. I am so sorry. I will most certainly be praying for you and for your children.
Thank you so much for this. Last month I found out that my husband had sexually abused our daughter. I am completely crushed. My life has been completely turned upside down and I am feeling so isolated and alone. There is nothing and nowhere to turn to talk about things like this it seems. Although I really do believe that our daughter and, I suppose, I were his only victims and he was really trying to fight against whatever made him do this, I cannot let him into my heart again. I still love him, or at least who I thought he was. Those feelings don’t just disappear, and I also care about him, I cannot be a wife to him. If he was capable of this, what other secrets was he capable of keeping without me noticing? So here I am with 3 kids and next to no income waiting on him to take the plea deal he was offered when we will also lose his disability pay.
In all of this God has been good though. His long incarceration will give me time to think and figure out what God wants me doing, it will give me, my daughter and my sons time to heal, and I get to see Gods hand on my life in a way I had never dreamed. The loneliness is sometimes mind numbing though and today was really rough, but I made it through today and that is all that counts until I have to take on tomorrow.
Oh, Krackel, I’m so sorry! That’s such an awful thing to walk through. I am so, so glad you’re supporting your daughter, though. That’s wonderful.
God will carry you through this. I know this is hard. I hope that you will get a great support group around you as you start over. And this next season of your life may be filled with blessings you’ve never dreamed about!
Thank you for sharing this, Sheila. I’m currently separate after almost 2 years of marriage. It was a very unhealthy marriage filled with emotional and verbal abuse. I lived in fear of my husband. He never did hit me though, but his words and his actions towards me were not okay. I finally broke free and I escaped him with the help of our marriage counselors and my pastor. I love Jesus with all my heart and that’s why I thought it was normal to be in this type of situation. I kept thinking that this was God’s plan for me. Unfortunately, my family and the church have not been on my side. I’m going to give my husband another chance (I’ve given him SO many in the past) just so I can show everyone that I’m trying. He hasn’t changed at all. The church and my family keep telling me that if I divorce then God will curse me and punish me. They said that I can stay separated forever, but I’m not allowed to divorce. I’ve fallen into a really bad depression and I feel completely lost. I’m only 27 years old and I feel like I’m trapped. My dad was abusive to my mom, which is why they think I should suck it up and deal with it. I feel like God hates me sometimes because I decided to leave. I didn’t feel safe and I felt like my husband would hurt me bad one day. I also ended up getting really sick in my marriage due to stress, but nobody seems to care about me. They all care about him. My mom still calls him “her son”. I’ve been trying to be strong. I need prayer now more than ever.
If a man marries a woman, he is bound for life,and the woman as well.( 1 Cor 7:10-11 and 39, Romans 7:2-3, Luke 16:18, Mark 10:11-12.) In Matthews version, Jesus was talking to the Jews (The Parisee’s). “Aside from fornication” meant if they find out their spouse had sex before they were married, he could divorce her. (Although the Greek version called porneia is used and can mean more than one way BUT they were talking about pre-marital sex.)He never said specifically that they could remarry (Luke 16:18 Mark 10:11-12). The KJV or Geneva bible are accurate. The watered down NIV which was released in 1973 versus the 1699 KJV version or the 1560 Geneva version isn’t with “sexual immorality” which is totally different from “aside for fornication”. Many preachers don’t teach this because of loosing their church members(Money), lack of knowledge or they are in an Adulterous marriage themselves.If our spouse commits infidelity in the relationship, we must forgive them (Matt 6:14-15) or God won’t forgive our sins. If they want a divorce and don’t want to reconcile, you have to stay single as long as they are alive. It’s harsh but that how serious God takes Marriage. To sum it up “JESUS SAID” in Mark 10:9 “What Go has put together let NO MAN put asunder.” The old covenant of Moses and in Daniel doesn’t apply and Jesus said about what Moses did was not God’s intention (Matt 19:8). We are in the New Covenant. Also 1 Cor 7:15 gives grounds for divorce BUT NOT TO REMARRY, just to keep peace in your life. You still can’t remarry until your spouse reconciles with you or they die. It doesn’t say ANYWHERE in the New testament you can remarry because your spouse was an unbeliever and they are still living.In order to get Gods grace and mercy we have to depart from the sin and stay awy from it.We can’t ask for forgiveness and STAY in the sin of Adultery,homosexuality,stealing,etc. The bible says no one will enter heaven (including a Christian) who continues to stay in their sin. Yes we all sin but we can’t get his grace by staying in a violation of the ten commandments or other sins.”All things have past away” (2 Corithians 5:17) is an inaccurate scripture to use.No one gets born again and remarrys thier spouse because all marriages are ordained of God. So that is the exception? The marriage doesn’t pass away nor the divorces. We are forgiven but to get Gods grace we must depart from our sins,past and present or the bible would be contradicting itself (Proverbs 28:13 says “He who confesses his sin and DEPARTS or FORSATHED from it shall have mercy”.)
I am in the process of divorcing my spouse due to substance abuse. He doesn’t feel that it warrants divorce, but to me I could not continue on in this marriage where my trust in my husband was not only misused over and over again, it was to me a form of abuse. He took for granted what he had, and then when I decided I cannot live this way anymore I stood up and said I want a divorce and this time I mean it. I had lived in a one-sided marriage for 26 years. I did it because we share two children, who are now grown and on their own. I did it, because my sanity, anxiety, and peace of mind was gone. Everything I did I believed I was doing to be a “good” wife. Following along in his lead, whether or not I thought it was the right thing to do. Because like many I felt that if I divorce this man, I am going to face God’s wrath and HE will not love me anymore, but once I walked away I found more peace. Less anxiety and I am no longer feeling like I’m weighted down. My husband is very good at twisting things around to be my fault. It was his control over me. He made me believe that I cannot live this life without him, and that he is the only one who will love me. Even while both of us were “supposedly living our lives for God” whenever disagreements arise I would be made out to be the one who was crazy, or that I’m making more out of it than it’s supposed to be. He still continues to tell me he loves me, but won’t let me go. Again, it’s a control issue. If he has control over me bending me to do his will, then he’s happy again. But only for a short time, because the more he lives outside of God’s will he will never be happy. My husband fell to the addiction of heroin and back into an old addiction of crystal meth, and yet believes he has not had any for the past year when all who are around him know that’s not true. He will not admit that he is an addict. Because then he will have to truly look inside and see that my walking away is for good reason. I shut myself down because I could no longer do this anymore. I left the home to show him that I meant what I said. In the meantime he continues to fight this divorce as though I will come back. But for the past 3 years he abandoned me to seek his habit. I call it his affair with Ms Brownstone and Ms Crystal, because in this he used the money we did not have to support his habit. He would be gone hours at a time, or sometimes over night. He would succumb to outbursts of wrath, and tell me he hates me, and I’m a terrible person. And I would just be sitting around when he would verbally attack me. And then after he calmed down he would come back at me with “I’m sorry” and I would give in and forgive him. I don’t know how many times he has made me feel like I was worthless and I felt like the only way out was if I would die. I found myself praying that God would just let me die. Take me in my sleep, or something, because if death is the only way out, then Lord you would have to take me. Well this past May he had gone and relapsed into his habit, taking more heroin laced with something that was toxic and it stopped his heart. I looked at this as my breaking point and the death of our marriage. He claims to have died, and I looked it as God’s release. I am forgiven. I no longer feel guilty and he will use any means he can to try and suck me back into our lives together and I just cannot. I have felt free, and at peace and there’s no way I can return. I do pray he gets his life in order, and that he seeks God for direction in his life. I pray that he will learn to trust God and love HIM and HIM alone because even though he believes he loves me, He must love God more. I seek HIS guidance daily and I have the peace that passes all understanding. He can renew our faith, and our spirit, and HE will restore our joy, because the joy of the LORD is our strength.
Good article! Just one thought, if it hasn’t already been expressed. “God hates divorce” is only one half of the Malachi 2:16 verse. Here is the rest of it and great comfort for those of us who left marriages or were forced out because of abuse (mine after decades). I don’t think people read the whole thing when they rush to judge divorced Christians:
For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with [d]wrong,” says the Lord of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”
That’s such a good point! That verse was meant to be speaking to those who were endangering their marriages through unfaithfulness, not to the partner who is trying to keep her marriage together!
Sheila, thank you for this article. As a man that has been on the receiving end of emotional abuse in a 22 year marriage, I have struggled with the issue of divorce. We have attended church throughout our entire marriage and I have struggled with what I should do. I worked on my problems but no matter what God helped me accomplish, nothing change. I did not realize I was dealing with someone who is Narcissistic. I am not saying I did everything right as I did not.
I was raised with a very narrow view of marriage and divorce based on the one verse God hates divorce in the bible. I have been going to a Christian counselor for 7 months now and had originally started counseling with my wife. She has stopped and decided it was making our marriage worse. I did ask the question about divorce and my counselor told me that enduring abuse is not in the nature of God.
The lack of covering the whole scripture has caused me so much anguish and with both my beautiful daughter’s having gone to counseling because of the emotional abuse at the hands or should I say from the mouth of their mother, I wonder if I had the right counsel how much emotionally better off they would have been today if I had left my wife 10 to 15 years ago.
I hate the idea of this and have deeply desired that my marriage be made whole but when one person will not accept any responsibility for the relationship and will not recognize another’s feelings what other option is there. You can’t live in a state where you are to is your the problem and have been disrespected and talked down to ECT. it, has destroyed many parts of our lives just to keep one person happy.
GOD never intended for marriage to be manipulative and one sided. Living with no intimacy and a partner who has not demonstrated her knowledge of the bible in her actions truely tells me that she is an unbeliever unwilling to learn and grow.
So in closing, thank you so much for the well researched and thought out article.