It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then give you a chance to link up your own post in the linky below. And today we’re going to deal with this problem: what do you do with a workaholic husband?
A reader recently wrote me this letter:
My husband’s work hours are way out of control. He owns his own business and regularly works 75-90 hours a week. We have been married almost 30 years and our kids are almost out of the nest.
His obsession with work overrides his common sense. The kids and I staged an intervention (literally) where we said that they would not ride in his car with him if he continued to text and check emails while driving (that has improved a bit since then).
He thinks I don’t appreciate his hard work. I do, but it has left me to be virtually a single parent, and in fact, an angry, disconnected wife. I try to open discussions with “I/we want to have you at home more. I miss time with you”, but it immediately goes to accusations that I don’t understand his work, his stress, the economy etc.
I am tired of pat Christian answers about making my home a sanctuary for him and understanding that work is what God created him to do. I am angry when I hear other Godly men ask with a laugh, “Still working those crazy hours?” instead of calling him on his out of balance life. I have considered talking to an elder couple that we are close to in order to have someone else discuss this with him.
My husband is a good man and I know, in my head if not my heart, that he loves me and his kids, but even as I write this, a voice in my head whispers, “but not enough to cut back his work hours”.
My heart breaks for this woman. She IS married to a workaholic husband, and it’s making her feel so unloved. So what does one do in this situation? Here are some general thoughts about workaholism and marriage.
Is He a Workaholic or Does He Just Work Hard?
My husband is a physician, and when he was in training he was often at work for 100-120 hours a week, being 36 hours on and 12 hours off. It was horrible. When he had his own practice he was still on call frequently, and his work weeks were still long. I never considered him a workaholic, though, because he loved being home–and when he had to dictate charts or bring work home he was always really grumpy about it. He wanted to be away from work; the job just didn’t always allow it.
What good would it have been for me to be angry at him for that? He was already upset that he wasn’t home more; me adding to that would not have helped. Working hard and working long hours does not necessarily mean he’s a workaholic.
A workaholic husband, on the other hand, is someone who routinely chooses to engage in work rather than engage in family time even when the job does not necessarily demand it. If he’s a pastor and he’s forever visiting people and counselling people after hours and going to meetings and he’s never with his family, then he’s likely a workaholic. If he’s a business owner (like our letter writer’s husband) and he can never put the job down, then he’s likely a workaholic.
Certain jobs are more prone to workaholism: the “caring” professions, especially ministry ones, where you can always justify working harder because “people need me”, and entrepreneurs, who feel as if everything rests on their shoulders. There are others as well, but those are the two categories that seem to be especially prone to it.
If He Simply Works Hard
Can He Switch Jobs?
Can you make a long-term plan for him to get more training so that he can qualify for something different that pays well? Can you create a 5-year plan together that gets him into something more manageable–so that your family life is better?
Can You Change Your Work?
One reason that my husband’s job was never too much of a burden to us was because I didn’t work outside the home. Because I was there to take care of the day-to-day things, then when he was home we could relax as a family. If I had been working 40 hours a week too I don’t know how we would have done it. When he got home instead of playing a game or talking we’d have to clean something or tend to errands.
Is there a way that you can reduce your hours or change your work so that the family becomes more manageable–even with his hours?
Can You Carve Out Family Time?
I have two dear friends who are both family physicians in a small town. The wife works part-time; the husband has always worked more than full-time because that’s the nature of the job. While he’s around most nights, he honestly is gone a lot of the time. But what they have done is carved out several weeks of vacation a year where they get out of town completely, so no one can page him. And they love their vacation time! They’ve taken their girls on missions trips, on backpacking adventures, and all kinds of places so that they create memories.
If your husband puts in a ton of hours at work, perhaps he can negotiate more vacation time where he’s out of the office and away from his phone.
I have another friend who is a project manager for huge corporate projects. He goes to work in one place for 2-3 years, managing some new huge launch, and then he’ll move to another corporation. So everywhere he goes it’s always at a stressful, busy time. He misses Thanksgiving sometimes. He misses weekends sometimes. But one thing he never misses is his kids’ quiz meets (his kids do Bible quizzing with my daughter). He coaches and he’s made that his priority. So even though he misses some traditional family things, he is always there for one particular thing that has become his priority–his barometer of whether he’s involved enough or not. And that works really well for them. Can your husband find one thing that he is always there for–coaching soccer, working with the youth group, attending a small group with you? And that is always your priority?
For years my husband and I spent Wednesday nights ballroom dancing. He never, ever took call on Wednesday nights, no matter what. That was our time. So, yes, I couldn’t always count on him for birthdays or for weekends, but I knew that he would always be there for me for Wednesday nights.
If Your Husband is a Workaholic
Can You Plan Your Goals Together?
If the issue is not one of time but honestly one of priority, then it’s a much bigger problem. Like Bill and Pam Farrel say, men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. Men live their lives in little boxes: when they’re in one box (like work) it’s hard for them to think about another box. And often that work box gets really big.
One way to force them out of it is to talk to them about goals. Workaholics are often quite good at setting goals because they do it in the work setting all the time. So what about asking him to set goals for your family and your marriage? I’ve got some printable, downloadable worksheets right here that you can use to dream together and vision together.
If you start asking, “what do we want our family to look like?”, and then “what are the action steps we need to take to get them there?” that can help him see that he has action steps that need to be taken at home, too.
Can You Find the Root of Workaholism?
Is workaholism about money? Or is it about self-worth? Or is it about a lack of trust in God?
I have a friend named Mark who has a construction company. He has always prioritized his family. He works long hours, but he’s home on weekends, and they do vacations together. When the downturn came in 2008, he didn’t lose his business, though many in his town did. And he says he just trusted God. He worked a little harder to drum up business, but he didn’t panic, because he knew God would take care of them.
Sometimes people become workaholics because they’re essentially scared that God won’t take care of them, so they have to do it all themselves. In that case it’s a trust in God issue.
Sometimes he’s grown up to believe that his worth is from his work, and so he puts all of his emphasis there.
And sometimes he just wants more money, thinking that it will buy security.
Figuring out what the spiritual root is can help you tackle the problem. And sometimes you will have to talk about this with a counselor or a third party. In extreme cases, you will have to say, “I can’t live in the marriage like this anymore and we need to get help.”
Other times just using logic can help. How much money is enough for your retirement? If you go at this trajectory, will you manage? Does the business need to expand? Do you need to work that many hours? If they can see it in black and white that their financial goals are already met, that can help them scale back.
If the issue is that he’s in a caring profession, and the demands are never ending, then I’d read this post which addresses specifically that.
Be Honest with Your Own Role
I am not saying this is the case with my reader at all, but I have had many men comment on this blog about how desperately lonely they are in their marriages, and how they have turned to their work instead so that they can cope with the loneliness. The babies came, and their wives threw themselves into the kids, virtually stopped having sex, and were critical and demanding. And the men felt unloved.
So they threw themselves into work, and for a few years everyone was happy. He could cope because his needs were met at work; she could focus on her kids unimpeded. Then the kids started to grow, and she began to miss him, but he wasn’t here anymore.
Ask yourself if you have done anything to contribute to his workaholism (and this is not always the case). Then ask him. And if you have, repent, apologize, ask forgiveness, and try to start fresh. Here’s a good post on asking for forgiveness.
Confront Him About His Workaholism
Like my reader, I have heard the advice, “just make your home a sanctuary he wants to come home to!”, and there is some truth to that. But I think that truth is more relevant if your husband works hard, not if he’s a workaholic. If he simply works hard, he needs that sanctuary. If he’s a workaholic, the problem is usually a spiritual one, and no matter what you do it won’t get better. In fact, you could end up enabling him to grow further away from God and further away from his family if you do nothing.
Instead, I’d advise my reader to bring in that older couple she was referencing. Perhaps talking to a counselor would help. Read the book Boundaries in Marriage. But do not just let it be. That makes you an enabler, not a spouse.
Our reader and her kids did a good thing confronting him about texting. That was a great first step. But take the next step, too.
Make Your Own Life
My friend Leanne had a workaholic husband. She tried for years to change it and finally realized she couldn’t. So she stopped waiting around for him. She began taking the kids on vacation by herself. She took them to the beach in the summer rather than trying to plan around his schedule–and then being disappointed again. She started taking painting classes herself and hired a baby-sitter for the kids. She stopped putting her life on hold and started living it.
An interesting thing happened. His workaholism stopped bothering her quite as much because she had other areas of joy in her life. And because of that, he started wanting to be home more. He realized he was missing a lot of fun, and he made more of an effort to be there for those beach trips.
Their marriage is still not perfect, but she’s finding it easier to cope with it.
So those are my thoughts on workaholism–and now I’d love to know yours! How do you deal with a husband who works a ton? Let me know in the comments!
And now it’s your turn to leave your own link for Wifey Wednesday! Just put the URL of your marriage post below, and be sure to link back here so other people can read the great marriage advice!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
My hubby currently works 2 jobs, we have some debt we need to get rid of and we decided a 2nd job was the way to do it. My hubby isn’t a workaholic, but he has a hard time carving out family time. He does it best when I say: I am planning on doing ______ next Friday. Can you get off early to make sure you’re there? It works well.
Exactly! I think sometimes being direct and giving him something specific helps, rather than just “I need you around home more.”
May I please gently caution you about referring to yourself as “virtually a single parent?” You are married to a man who is a dedicated provider, all faults aside. I am not saying you have nothing to “complain” about and I have been in your shoes, perhaps to lesser degree at various times in my marriage. It’s no fun! But single moms are truly on their own. They don’t have someone overdoing it to provide for their family. Even with the challenges you face, I would greatly prefer a committed, faithful husband who is an ambitious provider, to having to go it alone. Single parents face an entirely different set of challenges and heartaches.
I agree with Tanya. My husband is in a caring profession and gone from home far more than we would like. Because of emergencies, I often find myself with no backup at the last minute. My poor kids have been dragged to SO many meetings, etc. because he didn’t make it home. I often refer to myself as a SOLO parent–he’s there, but we can’t count on him to be right next to me. A pilot doing his first solo flight has an instructor on the ground, but is expected to perform without his assistance. I fly solo far more often than any of us would like. But my friends who are SINGLE parents have a very different set of circumstances in many ways, and I would never want to indicate that we had the same situation. I don’t think the writer meant any disrespect, particularly because she did say “virtually”, but you mention a great reminder!
We use the word “workaholic” so casually in our society, but there is definitely a difference between a hard worker and a workaholic. I will try to paint a small picture of life with a workaholic. At the risk of sounding like a fool to those who do not understand, I will say this very strongly: work can be a genuine addiction just like drugs, alcohol, or porn. There are books written on it so I wont elaborate here. Unfortunately it is the “praised” addiction which society (particularly corporate America) admires. Unfortunately, to the families of true workaholics, it is a very lonely and devastating situation. There is hardly any support or understanding for families who suffer because people say “Well, you should be glad he has a job in this economy!” A struggling spouse is made to look like an ungrateful wretch, when really what they are looking for is answers. But there is not much advice out there. Workaholism is extremely detrimental and destructive to marriages and families. In fact, there is a 50% HIGHER chance of divorce in workaholic families than the average American (which is already 50%!!). It ruins relationships just like any other addiction. Many workaholics are actually physically addicted to the adrenaline rushes their body produces from the constant stress (its a “free drug”). They go through angry withdrawals, panic attacks, depression, mood swings, etc snapping at everyone in their path, if they can’t work.
Ask me how I know all this. I’m married to one. And while I think he is a wonderful man in many many ways, this addiction has destroyed our marriage and family. I do believe it is a spiritual problem as well, lack of trust in God, lack of self-worth, ….many things bundled together.
It does feel like you parent alone. In a workaholic’s life, there is no room for family, no time to be wasted with trivial things (trivial = EVERYthing other than work). There is no mental support coming from them. You make important life decisions alone, you eat alone, you lay in bed at night alone, you raise your children alone. The children grow up knowing they can’t ever depend on their workaholic parent to keep their word, to be present at their birthdays or important events. They may not even get to see them for days/weeks on end. When my husband did come home every night (instead of sleeping at work), my children still didn’t see him for the whole week because he left at 4:30 am and came home past 11 pm. It is not about money in many true cases of workaholism; it is about self worth and needing to “prove” themselves to the world. Spouses of workaholics cannot live the single life, nor a married life. They are stuck in a strange limbo of neither world.
Usually these people only change when they hit rock bottom and lose everything (health, family, job, etc). So really, in the mean time (i know this sucks) the only thing you can do is to create your own life with no expectations. It took me years to do it (and years of crying self to sleep), but now I am much happier instead of frustrated. I fill my life with other people to celebrate with and go places with. Husband is happy living in his work world, I am happier by being around others who enjoy other parts of life as well. No, you cannot really have a “marriage” with a workaholic. My biggest struggle is knowing my children suffer but trying to fill in as many gaps as humanly possible.
Ways that others (church family, friends, etc) can help, would be to try to support the family of workaholic by their presence and involvement in the family’s life. The children are missing a father or mother, and men and women in the church can help (not replace, but help) to pour love into their lives.
Thank you for that wonderful comment, Holly. I think you really put a face on workaholism, and what you said was very true.
Holly, you definitely explained how it is much more than working a lot. One of my saddest moments came when one of my teenagers told me that she did not know why anyone would get married. I weakly said that she would probably change her mind when she met the right man. Any talk of spiritual partnerships, being cherished by your spouse and kids needing a dad would have made her roll her eyes because she knows what she sees in her own house.
My church occasionally talks about men making their priorities to be God, wife and then kids. My husband then says that he is working for us. We were invited to mentor young married couples. I handed him the letter and neither of us mentioned it again. We are going to counseling, but I have trouble hoping for a change after so many years.
dear Holly,
my tears when down when i read your comment. Because i can totally relate to myself, and that’s what i feel too. my partner is so damn busy working (runs his own business) and hardly have time for me. often when i complained about his work, the typical answers coming out from his mouth such as ” im working for us”, “you are my priority, i’m doing this for you”, “you never try to be understanding”,etc. it’s very heartbreaking for people like us. when i try to live my own life, i am afraid that he’ll always be okay, so later on , our life will be separated, but as a team? there’s no more sparks, but he said he loves me. it kills when you are actually felling very lonely, altough actually, physically, have a partner. until now, i try my very best to be okay with this. i fear that he doesn’t chase me for love and companionship when i start to make myself busy. i fear his workaholic attitude grows bigger when i start to learn to make myself busy with work..
This is absolutely true. I live this word for word, but I hav an added twist. A workaholic that does Not want me to make a life or even plan a fun day with friends. According to him, I have everything I need right here and there’s no reason to go anywhere or “spend any $”. I think that might reveal the real issue with this workaholic.
MjG, I think that is a very big red flag when he is trying to control your activities through controlling the money. I would suggest you find a counselor to talk to about this. In the meantime, plan activities with friends that are free or cheap–a friend to walk with in the mornings, a group to have coffee with, park playdates if you have kids, join a church group. Don’t let him isolate you because that is not where you should be.
Thank you, Holly! You GET it! I’m so tired of all the advice drivel telling me to try to engage him, or help him set goals. What I feel like I need is a 2×4, to wack some sense into him.
I’ve been married for 35 years and I have spent more time alone in those years than most widowed women will ever spend. Even now that my husband is working from home, it’s worse. I’m not allowed to talk if he happens to be nearby and the phone rings. TV’s have to be turned down or off, and I can’t walk in my own basement for fear of being caught on camera with a conference call. If we are in the middle of a conversation, I am immediately cut off with a raised hand, while he takes the call. I am nobody to him. My life is not my own. My marriage is not a marriage. Recently he has been telling me he can’t listen to me talk because he can’t concentrate on what he has to do, and listen to my thoughts too. If you aren’t married to a workaholic, you shouldn’t give advice.
Telling me to make a life for myself is ridiculous. He is my mate, my LIFE partner, the other half of me, yet I am not even as important as a stranger, because he would be polite to them. I am taken for granted, treated like a servant, and shamed because I “just don’t understand”.
I made a commitment to God and I will keep it, but I didn’t realize I would have to raise my son alone, and when he was grown, spend the best years of my life waiting….and waiting….and waiting to no avail, for there to be any change for the better.
Promises are rountinely broken to me, but never to a client. He will stay up for all-nighters just to make deadlines, but will forgo anything else, including visiting his aging mother. He lets me do that alone, while he “works”. We don’t go on vacations, we don’t have friends that we do things with, and he gets mad when people call to ask him for anything. Projects get started and never finished because he has to “work”.
If I wasn’t a Christian, I would be gone. It would be easier to live alone than to live with the misery, continued disappointments and lies.
MJG, I live the same way. Everything that brings me joy, he finds a way to make sure I can’t continue. I told him last week that he just squeezes every bit of joy out of life and squelches any possibility for pleasure. I used to sing in groups, and do plays, but he hated it, so I quit. Recently I took up painting, and got a lot of attention for it, and suddenly he couldn’t stand the smell of the paints. I had to give that up too. There is nothing left for me to do but sit here with nothing to do and nowhere to go, and wait.
Elaine, I’m so sorry you’re so lonely and going through all this. I really am.
But I find some things in your comment that make me pause. You say that he takes away everything that you find joy in. But Elaine–you are ALLOWING him to do that.
If you want to sing in a choir, why no say to him kindly, “I understand that you don’t want me to do this, but I think it’s reasonable for me to have one night a week to pursue a hobby, so I’m going to go.” If he fusses, that’s his choice. But you can put things in your life that you enjoy. I think your view of the Christian life is that we have to make our husbands happy. That’s no our calling. Our calling is to look like Jesus, and Jesus called people out when they were being unreasonable. He wants you to be a spouse, not an enabler. I talk about this concept a lot more in my new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.
If he is controlling your life it is because you are allowing him to. Now, if he’s being physically abusive or denying you money, then you need to get out and get some help. But if he’s just being plain mean and selfish, you can still choose to do other things. You can stand up to a bully. You really can.
Whatever you tolerate will continue. He is treating you badly, and he will continue to do so until you say, “this is how far I will go but no further.”
That’s what we’re asking. How far is too far and then what??
I could have written your post. Have things improved? I don’t think it’s going to change for me. So tired but can’t think of a way out.
Holly,
How’s it going two years later? I was about to write why I believe it’s justified to be compared to a single mom when I read your comment. It’s so painful! Isn’t there any current boards out there to discuss this issue? I’m on year 31 of marriage and it’s only gotten worse. I should be counseling young moms on how to handle this issue, but I feel that I haven’t any wise advice to give. Now the grandchildren are old enough that they aren’t “filling the void” so I’m utterly alone AGAIN. All I want to do is curse him out and leave, but everyone else loves him SO much, I’d be the one who is left out of my family events! Work, crafts, exercising…really, is that going to make up for the intimacy I’m craving? I don’t think so. There is no answer for this problem, is there?
You hit the nail on the head. I am married to one and it is devastating me. WE have been married for 10 years and have taken one vacation a year and I’m lucky if it is more than three days in a row. All the children are grown and out of the nest.
“Spouses of workaholics cannot live the single life, nor a married life. They are stuck in a strange limbo of neither world.
Usually these people only change when they hit rock bottom and lose everything (health, family, job, etc). So really, in the mean time (i know this sucks) the only thing you can do is to create your own life with no expectations.” THIS is the TRUTH that I am facing. The woman who stated that single Moms have it harder was not correct. I make enough money to care for myself and my children, but I also have to care for my husband’s exacting needs, his extended family, the guilt I feel over never doing it well enough, and yet none of the benefits of marriage (except extra cash, which like I said I can earn my own).
The past year or so, after 30 years and a now empty nest, I have worked hard to emotionally separate from him and from the children that he taught to ignore their mother by example. I cannot survive with the pain of being ignored but yet at the same time not being “free” to find someone who might care for me. So I am emotionally making the break and accepting the roommate situation. I am also withdrawing the behavior that was “enabling” him to continue. I have stopped cooking and cleaning and “doing” everything for him. He is an adult, too.
I also must realize that I have some co-dependency issues, due to a very dysfunctional childhood and a lot of abuse and I did learn to “never say no” and “always put others first” which has only made my life a LOT worse. By being so compliant (which is ENCOURAGED by the church, btw) I just let him get worse and worse. So this is partly my fault as well. Time to pay the piper. With my whole life.
Wow. Yes, Holly. I’m reading this in 2018, but felt like this for about 4 years now. My husband in lept from stress at work, to binging on porn, to swearing off porn at my insistence and finally getting clean with God’s help and the help of a great counselor – only to replace it with MORE WORK. At a job he HATES. That is NOT a caring job. He’s an accountant. But he takes the responsibility of the money of where he works, as if it is a child and a life that he tries to save over and over. It IS a spiritual battle , a lack of trust in God, he only believes in himself. This is sad to read. It really seems like an addiction he won’t recover from without God’s intervention. And I’m so impatient to have the man I married (or thought I married) back in my life. Since your post is 4 years old…I would love to know an update. Any positive change in his addiction?
I totally agree I feel like a single parent! My friends and family even say I am one. We have separate finances. I’m beyond exhausted all the time. I’m a full time teacher, full time mommy, tutor hours a week as a second job and run another business on the side. He works one job and greatly benefits from it. I have started living my life and will continue!
Great post, Sheila. My husband works hard, but he’s not a workaholic. However all of his hard work can lead to us crashing at the end of the day and failing to connect. My husband and I started to do couch time every day. We basically spend 10-15 minutes talking about our day when he comes home from work. It helps us connect.
My husband has just started a new job that has already been longer hours, with a couple of nights away on a trip and it’s only been 3 weeks!
At first, I was getting really angry with the longer hours (increased demand on him at work = increased demand on me at home!) and I asked him whether this would be a short term thing (this job).
He explained that in his industry, and for the money he is earning, the longer hours are somewhat expected. There are not that many options for him to change to a less demanding career, for multiple reasons. However, the hours he is doing will fluctuate based on where projects are up to.
So I said to him that I will make an effort to get more on top of things at home, and manage by myself and he can just get involved as he is able to, during the quieter times.
It’s amazing the difference a good talk and an attitude change (on my part) makes! 🙂
As you wrote, Sheila, there is a difference between hard working and workaholic, and I know my husband would always prefer to be at home with us.
I am now so thankful for the sacrifice and effort he makes to provide for our family, and try to tell him so often!
Sheila, thanks again for giving me much to think about and new tools to use.
My husband is a workaholic and this has robbed him of the joy of a close relationship with his kids. One of them has been deeply hurt by his preoccupation with work when she needed both her parents during a time of crisis and I don’t know how that relationship can be repaired, other than divine intervention. I have “made my own life” to some extent over the last 7 or 8 years and I am continuing to seek out interests so I will not be sitting at home getting angry. I wish I had done it much earlier, but on the other hand, it has left me feeling great sadness about the years stretching before us.
I never thought of this as a spiritual problem, but of course it is. My husband sees his worth only through hard work and success–proof in his family that you just might have value, although you would never know for sure. Realizing this is very helpful, since I already mentally thought of work as his “god”. I also like the idea of family (relationship) goals and I think I will talk to him about it. He likes goals. We have been seeing a counselor and I am trying to be hopeful, but I sort of expect him to get too busy to keep this up. Maybe a goal will help us keep working on the relationship. I think that’s the great harm of being married to a workaholic–the behavior goes on for so long that you lose hope of something better.
I’m glad I could help, Meredith! I pray the goal-setting exercise is helpful. I do find that some men who thrive on goals in the workplace actually respond quite well to it, and it helps all of us see our home lives in a different way.
I too have lost hope and slipped into depression over my “non existant marriage”. I feel stuck having been a stay at home mom but now have to find education in some field to be able to support myself later on. I’m 55–never thought I’d be in this mess, but his physical and emotional absence has been preparing me for the day I’m truly alone. I’m encouraged to know there are others in this situation expressing their thoughts on this—I’m not the one losing my mind and being ungrateful or selfish. God, give us wisdom, courage and discernment in times like these! Amen
These are really great tips! In my family, I tend to be more of the workaholic. I’m a freelance writer and blogger and I work from home, so there is always more I could be doing and my work is always right here in front of me. Setting specific times aside for the family and getting out of the house (away from work) are the two strategies that work best for me.
I am married to a workaholic. He works in his family’s business, and eats, drinks and sleeps it. It is his number one, his passion. He works a minimum of 12 hours a day 7 days a werk and when he comes home he takes multiple sales calls at night, sometimes up till 10pm or so.
We have been married 10 years and have a 1 and 3 year old. I work a public service job, and have to work for financial reasons, and my job provides health insurance since his does not and he has a chronic illness. I haven’t slept more than 3 hours at a time since the youngest was born as I am up tending to baby’s needs. (Husband is a deep sleeper and “doesn’t wake easily” iits easier for me to get up and tend to it than it is to wake him for help)
I work 40+ hours at my job, tend to 95% of household duties, 75-80% of the children’s needs, all the meal planning and grocery shopping, and about 70% of the yard work. (When he comes home before dark to do yard work he gets 2-3 work calls and has to stop mowing so I finish with the baby in a baby carrier on my back)
We are Christians. I am trying to find a way to thrive. I’ve talked to him about it, he promises to change but never does. He will not consider leaving the family business. I am looking for a job for me with less hours, so I can juggle it better. I am also trying to invest in friendships with other moms and girlfriends so I don’t feel emotionally isolated anymore. I have no family in the state, and am so overwhelmed. We can’t afford a sitter to watch the kids (after work hours) so I could get my hair done, or a walk by myself, or whatever. By the time husband gets home it is too late for any of those things.
I am trying to remain open and vulnerable with him. (Lord help me! It is so hard!) Last night he told me I need to initiate sex more often. I told him it is so hard to do when I feel so overwhelmed all the time. I tried to tickle/play with him and he got huffy because he wanted to get “straight down to business”. When we have been so disconnected, I can not ” play” without a warm up time, and I told him that. He got mad and went to sleep. Which was fine, I cannot give any more than I feel like I already am.
I pray about it, think about it, but I can’t figure out a way to make our marriage healthy when I am the only one trying. Since he works every weekend, I do things with the children like go to the park, or play dates or grocery shop. If he gets home 30minutes before us he’s slightly aggrevated. His actions say he expects myself and the children to be joyously awaiting his arrival home from work.
I want to remain married, he is a great father when he is here. But I am finding myself resenting him.
Help!
Jo,
I’m here reading this article like all the other wives of workaholic husbands, but I wanted to comment on his wanting you to initiate more. That’s not usually the wife’s role (although it’s totally fine if she wants to). As you intuitively said, you need to warm up. In most relationships the women responds to the man’s initiation and warming her up (not just foreplay, but non-sex time physical touch and affection.). Often women initiating get really frustrated because their husbands don’t pick up the cues; they are too subtle.
I was in that position a few years ago. Although I don’t agree with everything in the philosophy, google MMSL. It helped our marriage a lot, and as others stated here, counsels wives neglected by their husbands to work on themselves and to become a better wife, parent, etc., in general. There are a lot of women on the forum in a situation similar to yours 🙂
Meanwhile, lots of things have gotten better in or house; still working on the working 8am–11pm. or later 🙁 At least he’s almost always home for Christmas, family events, etc., even if it means staying up all night later that week to “catch up.”
My husband of 32 years is a Firemen for 36 going on 37 with4 or 5 more to come. At 56 years old I thought by now that my children are grown and have cchildren of their own my husband and I would spend more time together. However he seems too have added more work to his schedule. Just so you have an idea of what he does , he works full time forr a City in Michiganand is the Training Officer as well as rregular duties, he teaches at a Community College for thier Academy, also teaches a Tri City Academy, not only does he do all that be is on the Tech Rescue Team in our 4 Cities surrounding our home and on the Michigan Tasks Force Team, these all require dextra drills and training he must attend. On top of all this he must contiune to keep his own education updated so he can teach. Yes he is not home very much, I miss him, he is a great husband and father but I am lonely and I have put my life on hold thinking he will spend time with me anytime now. But even after therapy, many talks and reminders and short of begging which I won’t do, he continues to slide back into workaholic behavior. I don’t know what to do. Sad, lonely and I love him. Any ideas.
OMG Shelly … we are married to the same type of husband! My husband is a firefighter, Captain, full-time, trainer/instructor (local, state, federal). He is also on a FEMA team in which he can be called at any time. He is also a master electrician and we own a part-time business. We’ve been married for 30 years. I know he lives me and I love him but love is not enough for a marriage. I do things on my own but that gets old after awhile. I’m a nurse and work long hours but always made time for my kids and my husband. I just take life one day at a time.
The only thing that excites my husband is work. Everything else is “okay” at best. He’s a workaholic.
I have read this article of what to do with a workaholic husband and not to mention all the replies….I am grateful I found this because I am currently dating a workaholic and these past 3 years have been a challenge, do much so that I am seriously considering breaking up with him! He never has time for me but if a friend or acquaintance needs a help (he’s a mechanic & painter) there he is, at all hours of the day or night. I have asked him if he could stop working early (he works at his uncle’s shop) on my days off so we can go eat or go to a movie, he’ll try is all he ever tells me & we don’t do anything. At this point I’d be happy if I could get him out of the shop & go to the grocery store or window shipping at the mail but we literally don’t do anything! I am soooo sad & lonely & I don’t know what to do because I may say that I want to break up w/him but that’s easier said than done. At this point I wish he’d do the breaking up because I truly can’t imagine seeing myself (anymore) marrying this man.
dont marry him. it gets worse.
It has been 6 months since your post, so I am hoping that you have resolved this issue. I feel the need to say this in case you have not. 25 years into marriage to a workaholic who was also the same way during our years of dating, I am doubtful that anything will ever change. As hard as it is to think of ending the relationship, it sounds as if you already know this is not right for you. Be honest with him in your feelings, and be prepared for statements like, I can’t just quit working, they need me, you’ve known this is how I am, well i could be out____ (fill in the blank: golfing, partying, hunting, whatever activity) like other men instead of working, etc. Regardless of what he says, don’t own the problem and don’t sell your own needs short. Be clear in what you need from the relationship. If he can’t provide that in action, much less words, my advice is to move on. Trust me, ending a relationship after marriage and children will be much more difficult.
I’m with modify … don’t marry him.
Patsy, It has been almost three years, I am wondering if you are still with him. I am dating one, on and off for 6 years, more time off then on. I really love him, when we spent time together, it was wonderful. I really like to spend time with him. Every time he contacts me, I get back with him. But every time we get closer, I start to feel unfulfilled and resentful, same feelings every time. We live in the same city, but I only get to see him a couple of times a month in everage when we are together. At first I thought that he has other women, but now I know he doesn’t. He fits all the symptoms of a workaholic. But if I bring up his workaholism, he gets very defensive and upset. He is very proud that he has a very successful career. I am over 60, looking for a retirement partner. I also have a very successful career and financially very secure, don’t need his money. I know that he also loves me and said that he will retire after 5 more years. But I don’t quite believe it, and not sure if I can tolerate it that long. I am also not sure what happens when a workaholic retires. I am very unhappy right now because I feel that I am not important to him, thinking about breaking up with him again. Any advice?
Does anyone have any advice for someone whose husband just works too much/maybe borderline workaholic?? The red flags were there when we dated in college, but I was too young to notice or even know what it was. We have been married almost 10 years, kid #4 on the way, he stays up till 1-6 am working most nights(as he did when we were dating, pulling all nighters) well the thing is the all nighters rob me and the kids of a present and healthy daddy on the weekend because he crashes without fail and we are left with a tired she’ll on the couch or in bed half the day. He is a great dad and makes sure he’s present for the big deal things but when I explain my life to my friends who have kids and normal job type husbands they have a hard time comprehending how I “do it all by myself.” I get so angry when I wake up at 5-6 am to do my bible time and he’s just going to bed it’s like we are switching shifts! So tomorrow we have our 2 year olds birthday to be ready for and a list of pretty important family goals and things that need to get taken care of and I’m sure they won’t, other than the party, he will sit down and eat while I tend to all the duties of the party(7 month pregnant.)
We have sat down over our Christmas vacation to do our family vision/goal setting a d he agrees that the family cannot progress forward until he gets his work hours in line/balance. Only the first week back to work it’s back to the same ol’ deal. His parents enable him calling him “driven” or
“Passionate.” Well that is true but after 12 years this man is ready for some family maturity! Advice?? Help!!
Ps we have not done counseling and he does not have any mature family man friends who can counsel him, all his social outlets/friends are workaholic men in the world.
I am a stay-at-home mom and wife and have been married to a workaholic for 30 years. I did not realize this until now. We have eight children and it made sense that he had to work hard to make ends meet and I was so busy raising the kids and caring for the home that I didn’t feel lonely. But now the children are grown and I am feeling the effects of a neglected relationship. He works more than ever now but it doesn’t make sense anymore: up at 5 AM and on his way to work by 6:30. He comes home at 9 PM, and in bed by 10. This is Sun-Sat. There are no vacations. I feel happier now that I am making my own life even though it is not what I wanted. I started home-schooling the youngest two children which is fulfilling and bringing my life purpose and joy. I am building up my friendships and hope to vacation with them. I hate to admit it, but I feel like I am divorced. I even have my own bedroom now because there is no intimacy between us. I turn to prayer and have become ‘intimate’ with Jesus. I wonder what the future will hold when the children have completely left home. I especially feel bad for my children who don’t know the friendship of a father. I haven’t lost hope though. I will always be his grateful partner who loves him through thick and thin. In the meantime, I will seek my own happiness, and it will be his choice to join me in life!
Have been married to a workaholic husband for almost 30 years….this year I will be going skiing with friends without him (he was invited but suddenly had a board meeting come up), will be going to Boston with youngest child on their spring break while he is in Brazil, and then going with him to Orlando on a business trip with oldest daughter on her spring break…
Not sure if he will realize he is missing out on all the fun or not!
Patsy: You are dating, so this is the best it will ever get. Do not marry this man.
So my hubby got a new job at the Pentagon 19 months ago… And there’s been 19 months of crazy work hours. I know the job requires a lot, but I’m having a hard time accepting that I will just have to wait til we move to the next job for this to stop. He’s always worked hard but more times than not he chooses work unless I threaten. If I just ask or tell him how much I want him home or need him home… He will be there IF something doesn’t come up with work.
Of course this causes issues with our sex life… We are both tired, and I’m hurt and lonely but don’t want him to just have sex with me to check that box… I want him to want me.
I tell him I just would like to be his first choice more often.
The kids (5 & 7) tell him on Sunday night that they’ll see him on Saturday! They don’t even bother asking if he’ll be home before they go to bed. But when he is home on the weekends he’s been bringing work. It’s 1:31 on a Friday (Saturday am) and he’s still working. He says its so he doesn’t have to do it on the weekend but I’m not sure if he realizes how much he’s ripping away from our relationship. Not to mention his health!
I’m trying to be supportive as much as I can. But I’ve started pushing for him to find a new less demanding job. I don’t want to become one of these wife’s that had to have a life without my best friend. The struggle is how to get the importance of change across when we feels so obligated at his job and make him put family as the priority.
Prayer daily and pep talks help… But I’m about to put the foot down!
I have been enabling my workaholic husband throughout our 20 year marriage. He is NO partner. I don’t feel cherished in any way. Our 20 year anniversary is coming in two weeks. I have planned nothing, so nothing will happen. I pray often for God to remove this bitterness from my heart. He is not going to change. I wish I had never married the man. Reading about the experiences of others with longer marriages that are still suffering pains me for them and kills what little hope I have for our marriage in the future.
It pained me to read the comments of so many women because I know exactly where they are coming from…lack of connection, lack of intimacy, carrying the load of family, even sleeping alone. I have known for a long time that my husband is a workaholic and I have gone through so many emotions in that time. It is only recently have I realized that I have been an enabler to a workaholic husband for far too long. I know the bitterness and the resentment that this can cause. I also know the guilt I have dealt with for a long time for not being more “appreciative” for the “sacrifices” he has made. There came a day, however, when I realized that these weren’t sacrifices; he put his time where his heart was and with what he cherished most, and it wasn’t me nor his family. I finally got to the point where I made plans and carried them through whether he was present or not. However, this really hasn’t helped because I have felt like I’ve been going through the motions of living, and I’ve only become more and more resentful. Meanwhile, the distance between us has become even greater. Loneliness is a powerful thing to overcome. I very recently began to see a counselor, and I hope that this can help me deal with the bitterness and the resentment, but most of all, to give me the courage to stop enabling him to destroy our marriage and family with his devotion to work. I’ve grown very tired of being little more than a roommate and financial partner to a man who promised to love, honor, and cherish me. I have also grown tired of making excuses to myself for his behaviors (“he didn’t have a positive role model in marriage” or “he wasn’t parented the same as I” or “that’s just how he is”). My Christian beliefs are really all that have kept me in this marriage as long as I have, and I am at the point that even they may not be strong enough to see me through. I find it more and more difficult to honor a commitment to a man who hasn’t fulfilled the ones he made to God and to me. There are times I honestly think it would be easier dealing with an alcoholic or a drug addict. It is very difficult, as has been pointed out, to live with a disease that much of society sees as a positive trait. I just pray that with time and the help of a counselor, I can conquer my own challenges that have made it possible for my husband to continue to neglect his duties as a husband and a father, and that I can find peace and fulfillment again. I don’t know where my marriage will go, but I am ok with knowing I may be facing life without a partner. I’m tired and at the place that I know I can’t continue like this. For me, that is a huge step because I have spent too many years denying the problem and carrying first guilt and then resentment and now bitterness. My children and I deserve far more from me than this. I can’t make up for all they are lacking from him, but I can set out to be the best parent I can be in what often seems like an impossible situation. And for Lisa, I want to say that I’m facing an anniversary too, and for the third year, I don’t have the energy nor desire to make it anything more than another day. As for the rest of your post, I feel I could have written it. I think the only difference is that for the most part, I’ve passed the point of anger that I sense from you. I don’t know that the place I am now is much better; numbness is the best way I can describe it. I will be praying for you.
Hey DJ, W It’s been a while since your post and every word you wrote I’ve said a million times in my head about my own husband and relationship. I go for counseling next Wed. to try and help myself in this situation. I was wondering how your doing couple years later?
I have to say coming across this article has made me feel better. My husband has always worked to provide and since my car accident he had worked harder. He makes sure to be home one sometimes two nights a week and Sunday is always family time. I am thankful for reading this because even though I am lonely on his 16 hour days, I know one day we will catch up and have more time together and that I just need to follow what God wants me to do to respect him and be here for him.
I am in the process of divorce. My husband is a workaholic…he creates so much work and yet he takes on more. If he gets invited to give an hour-long talk on the other side of the planet, he always says yes because he wants to think he is indispensable. He does it for validation and augmenting his sense of self-worth. It truly is an addiction. Through our 30 years he guilted me by saying it is for the family, but I know that he does it for himself. It’s not about the money because I told him we have enough ($400K/yr not enough?) and what I want is him to be part of the family. People may say that I should not complain because we live a materially good life, but that is not why I got married. I wanted an involved partner and someone who cared about his kids. And for his off-time he took up playing golf – another obsession. More lost time with his kids. Our now-young-adult children have not communicated with him in three years and he says he won’t lose sleep over it. They don’t feel connected to him since they got the sense that he didn’t care about them. I was the solo parent. And then I found out that during his travels, he was cheating – lying to/using these women to string them along, making promises, sending money….another addiction. A hero to all these random women but not to his own family. Validation that he is not sagging in his 60 year old body. It is abuse really when someone says that they are working for the family but actually living a double/triple life. This is what workaholism can do….in the early years it was only workaholism., but it can lead to mental distortions – sense of self-importance, lack of empathy, lack of impulse-control, and enormous sense of entitlement.
Thanks God this page exists! I thought I was the only one who suffers from a workaholic husband. We used to live by ourselves until we decided to get a house, we started to live with my in laws. We only have nearly 2 years of marriage and he’s a programmer, we decided to have a dog as our baby fur, however he always have 3 to 4 proyects on. My family is in South America, another continent away from me.
I live far away from my friends and because our doggy is so big and still a puppy we decided that I should stop working and look after him to ensure he grow up friendly as my family in law has a low tolerance towards our dog as he’s really big and sometimes naughty. I ensure my husband’s environment in the house is perfect. As he’s the one who works I put a lot of effort on him, the best clothes, the best food, etc… I feel soo depressed.
He takes me out on a dinner from 5 til 9 pm then we go home and he starts to work until 4 am, he goes to bed, ask for cuddles and falls asleep holding my hand, in the morning he wakes up and keeps working during the whole week from 7 am to 7 pm, he doesn’t txt me anything rather than stupid heart emojis! Then when he’s at home (at 7 pm) he have dinner and works from the computer, then at 8:30pm his mom arrives and he gets crazy to talk to her but not with me, he does says I love you but the only thing we do together is watch tv shows and then he comes with some excuse to work. I’m highly tired of watching tv shows with him, I don’t do anything as I have to keep an eye on my dog, I literally watch tv shows because I’m scare To lose him but sometimes i wish I never join this game. I feel he doesn’t loves me and he only enjoys the perks of having a wife… he doesn’t do anything else rather than working. He works from Sunday to Sunday but the sacrifice 3 hours of work to be with me… literally what he said. We never do anything that I like… he stop taking our dog for a walk with the excuse of “I’m in this big project blah blah blah. The bad part is that in his carer and I am engaged in his daily routine rushing to keep him ready because he is “already late for work”
We had fights! I took my ring off and I said I wasn’t his maid. Nothing brings the attention, I apologise if I did something that make him reject the house, I started fresh, we kissed we cuddle and all back again the work addiction strikes in. I don’t know what the fudge I’m doing wrong. I mean I really care about him. I love him but I don’t feel the love! I’ve tried everything!
Hi dalia
Read your comment and it is really emotional. It does not mean he doesn’t love. probably you set the wrong boundaries from the onset of the relationship.
you could get something doing to keep you busy like a real job and not the dog type.
Go to office too or work from home jobs.
You also need to discuss this with him. Let him know how you feel emotionally.
With love.
Thanks!