Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and try to take a stab at answering it. With the Christmas holidays approaching and extended family being more on our minds, I thought this sad one would be an important one to answer. What do you do if you catch your dad watching porn (or another married relative)?
My reader writes:
I’m in my mid-twenties and still living at home while I finish up graduate school. I’m very blessed to have parents who are willing to support me financially while I pursue my career goals. But I have a HUGE problem: two years ago I walked in on my dad watching porn while my mom was at her weekly women’s bible study. In the two years since, I have walked in on or came close to walking in on him watching porn several times so I know this is a regular occurrence. I believe that God has allowed me to discover this about him. My dad has acted like nothing has changed between us, and I think that is because he has convinced himself that I did not actually see anything. There are times that he is colder towards me or dismissive and angry. He has verbally abused me on a few occasions and yelled at me for being a “petulant child” then the next minute swings back into his normal temperate state like nothing was even said. He has never treated me like this when my mom is around, and no one else in my family knows what he is like behind closed doors. Either my mom has no idea that he watches porn or has convinced herself that there is nothing that she can do about it. She has counseled me that porn use is an automatic no in a dating relationship (my dad was in the room when she said this-awkward few minutes for me).
I do not want to see my dad in sinful bondage like this, but I am fearful because I am financially dependent on my parents allowing me to stay at home. I have debated and prayed and asked for advice on whether or not to confront my dad. I want him to get help, I want my parents to have a real, healthy marriage. But I have no idea how to go about that as an adult daughter still at home. There are lines that I am afraid to even toe for fear of retribution. I’ll be honest, I am very uncomfortable living in my own home and spend most of my time shut up in my room. I need advice on something, anything I can do to try and help make this situation bearable. Keeping my dad’s secret is exhausting, not just the porn use, but his verbal treatment of me at times.
This is a really hard situation, and I want to raise just a few issues which could help people make decisions about what to do in a case like this.
You Are Not Responsible for Keeping Someone’s Marriage Together
No one is responsible for anyone’s marriage other than our own. Yes, we need to support our friends’ marriages, but that doesn’t mean that if we rock the boat and the marriage falls apart we are somehow to blame.
If something falls apart because of truth, then that something wasn’t really together in the first place. Look, what you want is for your parents (or other relatives in other cases) to have a good marriage. A good marriage is one that honors God. And Jesus said that He was the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Jesus is the Truth, and Jesus is in the Truth. We should never flee from the truth.
And if you really are the thing holding a marriage together (like if you telling a secret would break up a marriage) then that marriage wasn’t really together in the first place. Our aim should be for truth and God. God works when things are brought to light, not when things are hidden and when people refuse to address issues and work on them. Hiding things is lying. Often family tries to suck us in to agree with a big “family lie”, but that isn’t your role and it isn’t right. The Truth is what is right, and don’t ever let someone else convince you otherwise.
Secrets Eat at a Family
Secrets get replicated. What happens in one generation often gets passed on to the next, even if it’s never explicitly talked about. A woman marries a man who cheats, and even though the kids never specifically know that he cheats, somehow they all pick similar people to marry. These patterns repeat.
Secrets are dangerous.
Confront the Person Who is Being Wronged
So who needs to be told?
I once discovered something about a young man at our church that I knew the parents would want to know. I went through a crisis of conscience. Is it honestly my business? But it came back to this: If someone knew something like that about my child, I would want to be told. And so how could I not tell his parents? They had the chance to do something about it if they knew; by not sharing the secret I wasn’t helping him or helping my friends (his parents). I was just allowing him to engage in really damaging behaviour under the radar.
I did not have to talk to the young man; he had very little to do with me. But his parents were being directly affected, and they needed to be told. In this case, the person most being affected is the mother, and she deserves to know.
In this case, her father is engaged in really dangerous behaviour. That sinful porn addiction is also likely responsible for the verbal abuse and the cavalier attitude about other things. Porn affects all aspects of our lives. I believe she must divulge the secret, either to just her mom or to a pastor as well, but it is absolutely not fair that she be put in a position where she feels like she has to keep a secret.
What about confronting her father?
She may need to tell her dad to get it out in the open. It is not her role to get him to stop, because this sin is not about her. But she could say,
I know you use porn. I have seen you. And I believe that the porn is causing you to treat me badly when we are alone. I hope and pray for your sake that you stop, but I need to tell you that I will be telling my mother, because she has a right to know, and I cannot be put in the situation where I need to keep a secret that is not mine.
One note: it may be smarter to tell her mother first, so that he doesn’t try to convince her not to tell.
If you’re the one dealing with this, though, beware: you may tell your mom and she may choose to do nothing. That is her choice. But you have now given her a choice, and that’s important, in and of itself.
We All Need a Support System
Find some mentors that you can tell these things to–not a whole lot of people, but some, who can pray for you before you disclose the secret and who can pray for you as you try to live in this environment. You can’t carry this all by yourself anymore.
We Need a Safe Place to Live
Here’s another thing that’s so important to realize: we all need a safe place to live. So many studies have been written about the effects of living in a toxic environment. If you are putting up with verbal abuse and lies because you need to save money, you still are likely paying too high a cost.
Toxic people hurt you. They give you a negative outlook on life. They wreck your self-esteem. They make you pessimistic and sad. That’s not a good combination.
Sometimes Life Involves Risk
Disclosing your dad’s porn use is risky; you may not be able to live at your parents’ house anymore. But often doing the right thing is also doing the risky thing. The reason so many of us live miserable lives is because we choose to live with the secrets rather than rocking the boat. And when we do that we limit what God can do.
God really can do amazing things, but He tends to do those things when we open ourselves up, make ourselves vulnerable, and stop trying to protect ourselves.
And that may mean not just disclosing a secret, but also moving out.
And it doesn’t have to be that expensive! A female grad student who stays in her room on wifi? Do you know how great a tenant that is? My mom rented out a room to a college student a few years ago really inexpensively. If you’re prepared to just take a room in someone’s home, you can often find an older woman or an older couple who just needs a little more income and who has a spare room. Sometimes someone in your church, if you let the need be known, may do it for free to help you get on your feet.
The unknown is scary, but when we step there, God opens doors.
One More Thing: Porn is Not Inevitable
Whatever you tolerate will continue.
Most teens will be exposed to porn (which is why it’s so important to protect the gadgets in your home!). But while many teens will be tempted (including girls) not all will become habitual users. And if they are habitual porn users, that needs to be dealt with before an engagement or marriage–but it absolutely CAN be defeated.
People say porn is inevitable because it gives them an “out”–if their significant other uses porn, and they haven’t wanted to rock the boat for fear of losing that person, they likely justified it to themselves by saying, “everyone uses it”. But it’s not true.
If, in your circle of friends, everybody uses it and no one is struggling to stop, then you need a new circle of friends. Porn isn’t inevitable, porn can be defeated, and many, many people are fighting for pure marriages.
So those are my thoughts for this poor woman, but I know that there are many of you in the same position–people who caught their brother-in-law using porn, or their married brother, or an uncle, or whoever.
Let me leave you with one last thought: what if your sister-in-law (or whoever the spouse is) has been struggling under this burden of her husband’s porn use? What if she has thought it was hopeless? What if she has convinced herself there is nothing she can do, and she feels so alone and so dirty? And then you come to her and say, “no, this is not acceptable. You’re right to be upset.” You actually free her from the trap that she’s built for herself! You’ve spoken truth into a web of lies, and it’s amazing how one word of truth can often turn a situation around. Maybe she’s hurting, and she needs the strength to do something about it. Maybe you’re the kick in the pants, the reality check, the support she needs.
Now, I’d love to know: have you ever been in a situation where you caught a relative using porn? Or did you have secrets in your family? What did you do? Let’s talk in the comments and encourage each other!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I think the most important step for the young woman to take is to tell her father that she observed him watching porn and that it hurts her. She should ask her father to consider that the act is more harmful than he may realize and that he should stop. She should mention that she was always loved and respected him and this behavior diminishes that respect. It’s important to a father that his children respect him and the message should be that he is better than this behavior.
The Dad is doing what any person would do when caught doing something embarrassing. He tries to pretend that he was not observed doing it. She should take away this pretense.
Having said all that, I honestly feel that the Internet has changed the way that we must deal with porn. We all use computers everyday and we are one Google search away from any explicit site with instant free streaming. No one has to search out porn anymore or even pay money to watch it. We have to expect that this issue is more like alcohol abuse or obesity than it is something like an affair. Many, many people will be tempted to observe porn because there is no *immediate* bad consequence.for doing so and it is so easy to “not get caught”. Porn use (unfortunately) is going to be an issue in *lots* of marriages because of the role of the Internet in our lives.
I thus see danger on both sides of the porn acceptance issue. Yes, too many people don’t see that it’s harmful and should be stopped. I also sense that some overreact to its use which is not helpful in curbing the problem. If you act like catching a spouse (usually a man) watching porn is like catching him/her cheating with another woman, I think that mindset will cause a crisis in confidence in that person and their marriage that is inappropriate. Many people learn to overcome destructive behavior in their lives (like alcohol overuse) and their spouse and children should not immediately lose faith in them or be shocked that their own father/husband is completely immune from something so ubiquitous in our society.
I agree with most of what you said here. However, I don’t think the mom said porn is inevitable in a dating relationship. Unless I misread she said it’s an “automatic no” which I took to mean you should automatically disqualify the person as a potential relationship.
Came to say this. I had to read it a couple times to be sure.
Great answer though Sheila.
Sorry, Beth! Don’t know how I missed that.
“She has counseled me that porn use is an automatic no in a dating relationship (my dad was in the room when she said this-awkward few minutes for me).”
I took this sentence to mean something different. I assumed it meant that the daughter already has a dating relationship and the mother counsels her that the use of porn within the context of an existing dating relationship is a no. The mother doesn’t say that the use of porn within the context of marriage is a no.
First, I want to agree with Beth about the Mom’s beliefs as referenced in the post.
Next, Kelly, I think you are being too harsh.
Lastly, I want to say that this is a real issue and even married women can be oblivious to their spouse’s involvement, if they are hiding it. Secrets are hard to keep and hard to ignore. Being vulnerable and asking for help is hard and not always taken well by the offender.
This is true…I never knew when my husband was ” using” until he confessed to me.
This issue of porn use and acceptance of porn is more complex than many discussions about it admit. What are the reasons a married man uses porn? We are quick to condemn the offending user, but we rarely look deeper into the problem.
And, let us not bury our heads in the sand. Porn is accepted by not a few married couples where the wife also views porn videos with her husband. Yes, the internet has changed our lives in profound ways and perhaps it has showed us how messed up we are on the issue of sex.
Is the loving sexual relationship present in the marriage? This needs to be asked. We see many comments on marriage blogs from husbands who say they are in a sexless marriage. If the husband is sexually fulfilled with intimacy with his wife, he is less likely to be vulnerable to the temptation of porn.
I am not being an apologist for pornography here. But, we need to honestly consider and address the causes rather than only condemn the behavior.
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Woa. Careful there. You are victim blaming and it is NOT good. We are all responsible for our own actions. Lack of sexual fulfillment is not an excuse to view porn, or a cause to use porn; otherwise every single person would be free to use porn. The cause of using porn is sin in the heart of the individual who is watching it. Period.
I had a friend who waited until marriage to have sex–even though marriage came in her early 30’s. So as one might expect, her honeymoon included plenty of sex. Yet it was also on her honeymoon that she discovered her husband watching porn.
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As a woman whose husband struggled with a porn addiction for a part of our marriage, I was devastated when I found out but finding out definitely helped save our marriage. We were not on a great path, I was incredibly selfish (and still struggle with that) and he had a porn addiction and that led to us drifting apart from each other a lot. Once he told me what was going on with him, we could seek help and get accountability and repair things. I felt then and still feel that pornography is cheating on your spouse. It’s giving a part of yourself away to others, even if they are just images. I also felt it opens a door to a real life affair, which did happen in our marriage as well because through porn you’ve already shut your spouse out of your heart and it’s easier to be more vulnerable to others trying to fill those needs then. Our marriage is the best it’s ever been after 8 years, but that’s only because God has been able to help my husband be free from the porn addiction and affair and brought healing and forgiveness and growth in being less selfish for me. Freedom from porn doesn’t mean you are never tempted. It means God gives you the strength to resist temptation. Only through the support of our church and care group of close friends have we been able to survive and I think to keep secrets for others, isn’t giving them the best chance to improve their marriage. Someone catching my husband having an affair was one of the best things that could have happened for us. Healing is possible!
I was forced by my step father to watch porn with him while my mom was gone. As an adult it seems that every relationship I’ve been in has been plagued in some way with porn use. I find myself feeling despair that it follows me wherever I go. No matter how much I despise it. It’s as if the devil is chasing me.
Wow, Jennifer. That is terrible. I am so sorry that happened to you. My first reaction is that it was abuse on his part towards you. Even if he never touched you, he forced you to do something sexual without your consent. Please consider getting some counseling to help you deal with this.
This is to the commenter who said all men like/use porn. That is categorically false. My husband does not use porn and he is repulsed by it. That is not to say that he could never be tempted– of course he can be and has been. But he doesn’t like it, and he doesn’t use it. Neither does my dad. You can say, of course, that they’re just better at hiding it, and I guess nothing I say will convince you, but I am sorry you are held captive by this lie.
[Editor’s note: this comment was in reply to another comment that I deleted because I didn’t think it was edifying–and I will not spread the lie that porn is inevitable or that every man uses it. Every man does NOT use it, and I want to shout that very clearly, so I do not publish comments that say otherwise. I didn’t catch that comment before Sjh wrote hers, but that’s why it’s deleted. Thank you!]
Although it is shocking and disappointing to find out about porn use, especially by one’s father, the daughter may want to ask if he thinks it’s wrong. Is her dad a professing Christian that is obligated to marital purity? Otherwise, the issue is about his cover-up and subsequent (mis)treatment of his daughter. If being called a “petulant child” is her definition of verbal abuse, I would suggest she has perpetuated a dependant child position that benefits her financially, but doesn’t reflect her personal view of independence or autonomy. Time to grow up, own what dis-function is hers, and keep her nose out of her parents’ marriage.
Mrs. Mac,
I think what you said is important. To properly judge the situation, it is key to know whether the father is a professing believer or not. I think it is unwise to try and hold men or women to Christian standards when there is no acceptance of Christ personally in the heart. This just leads to the kind of judgment and condemnation that drives people away from Christ, rather than to Him. Prayer is a much better method. The daughter seems to believe that the mother does not know about her husband’s porn addiction, but if it is as prevalent as the daughter says it is, I find it hard to believe that the mother knows nothing about it at all. The mother may actually be aware, and not wish to broadcast such information to her daughter.
I am sure it is incredibly awkward to have one’s daughter catch one watching porn. We are not told what the daughters half of the conversation has been leading up to the negative comments presented by the father. I find that if I have done something I shouldn’t have been doing and I am caught, I can project my anger on the person that caught me, rather than address my own questionable behavior.
I don’t think it is wrong for the daughter to be concerned though, and I do not think it is wrong for the daughter to be at home if the parents are okay with her living there.
This is a tough call!
As a 24 year old grad student who just recently moved out of her parent’s house, I would probably end up giving dad an ultimatum: He needs to tell mom, or you’ll move out. I would find a family from church to rent a room with. If dad won’t confess, then daughter moves out. If mom wants to know why, well, she can ask dad.
I am feeling badly for you, Jennifer, that as a child, you were vulnerable and subjected to watching degrading images of women and men. The Holy Spirit in you can defeat Satan and his accusing lies. You are a Child of God now, not a victim of men’s lusts.
I love your quote: “whatever you tolerate will continue.” I’ve unfortunately witnessed a lot of women I know tolerate a lot in their marriages and it breaks my heart. Porn being one of them. Sometimes, I think a lot of women feel this is the best they’ll get from a man and so they might as well put up with it. It’s an issue of self-worth, in my opinion.
It is indeed. And it is very sad!
Another great article Sheila!
I caught my dad watching porn one night. He turned his computer so I couldn’t see the screen but I could hear it. My father is psychologically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to our family and claims he’s saved. I would like to lead him to Christ this Christmas but I’m praying for him to even acknowledge that he’s unsaved. Him and my mom have been married almost 27 years but it’s more a co-habitation than a marriage and he denies that he does anything wrong. What would someone do that’s in my shoes?
To Lisa, to the original letter-writer (if her father professes Christ), and anyone else it may concern:
Matt 18 says to confront offenders who are professing Christians, first privately, then w/ your church (I would figure the pastor). Not to hide their sin.
Unrepentant fornicators are not part of the kingdom of heaven. Pretending that they are is neither helpful to them, nor is it allowed. They need to be brought under church discipline & accountability, or even excommunicated (1 Cor 5).
If the violating party remains unrepentant, you must cut off your ties (again, 1 Cor 5). The church leadership should come over and kick him out (or at least into the garage. Give him a cot and a composting toilet), but if they don’t, then you must remember Paul’s admonition “not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolator, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat” (1 Cor :11). You might need to move out, at least if you are of age.
And yes, watching porn is fornication, Matt 5:28
This has got to stop.
As one who has struggled with porn fro most of his life, the truth is that most men know it is destructive, but can’t quit. It truly is an addiction. Like any addiction, the man struggling with pornography has to “hit bottom”. This may mean negative consequences, but it has to happen. I love my wife and children, and the last thing I wanted was to hurt them. I had to use a 12 step program to quit, and constant vigilance and accountability (not from my wife) to stay clean. Porn has the capacity to destroy relationships because it focuses on the physical act, and not the emotional oneness that can and should be found in a committed relationship.
If your husband or dad uses porn, just love him. Let him know that his use of it hurts you deeply, but work with him so that your relationship can heal together. He wants nothing more than to break free from the clutches of porn, but is afraid that you will never love him if you knew the REAL him.
I agree with you completely, I’d only add (or perhaps clarify) that if you catch someone with porn, one of the most loving things to do, in reality, is to confront them, let them know it is totally unacceptable, but then show grace.
That is what I needed to start recovery from my own porn addiction, to be confronted by both my God and my girlfriend. That’s what it takes for most to finally recover.
As Rick Warren says, “people don’t change when they see the light… they change when they feel the heat.”
I wouldn’t act Christian and loving, like I should. I know that. I told my boyfriend that cheating and porn wouldn’t be tolerated. I’d be gone in a heartbeat. That’s not Christlike, I know, I am just being honest. Too many of my friends and friends parents drew it out for far too long. They should’ve just left. Thankfully, my husband is very dedicated to God (obviously more than I am since I still feel the same way about cheating and porn). No tolerance in those areas. 0. Childhood taught me hard lessons.
KnittedintheWomb’s comment was painful to read.
“…yet it was on her honeymoon that she discovered her husband watching porn.”
I have imagined the same scenario, and wondered what I would do; it is a powerful and legitimate fear because I almost did end up living it!
To those who think porn addiction is just like drugs or alcohol… please believe me, it is not. Sex addictions bring a host of devastating side effects to a relationship that alcohol, for example, does not. (I have yet to hear of a woman starving herself in response to a revelation of her husband’s love of the bottle).
I love Sheila’s vehemence in declaring that not all men love porn, and she is absolutely right. I have an incredible, godly dad who is utterly faithful to my mom. I have several single Christian male friends who have experienced years of addiction, and broken free! And they find real women of all kinds to be beautiful.
Once I gave up on men entirely, and quite honestly, I loathed them. How wrong I was to do so. After all, no one is too far gone for God’s grace to redeem them, if they choose to accept it. So if we claim to love others, we ought to be encouragers to all (in addition to showing tough love to those still enslaved to sin.)
Peace and hope to all.