It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today Sarah Ball, aka The Virtuous Woman Exposed, joins us talking about how you can be a non-stressed wife this Christmas–by not being a Christmas martyr!
Dad is sitting peacefully with his pipe by the fire, the kids are playing joyfully with their new toys, the in-laws have that 1,000 pieced puzzle mastered, and Aunt Sally and Uncle Joe dance arm in arm to “I’ll be home for Christmas.”
But wait, where’s mom?
Oh, right. She’s hyperventilating in the walk-in pantry.
“It’s just the onions,” she says with a forced smile. Come on, we all know it’s not just the onions. It’s a layer of exhaustion, trying to please everyone, a failed soufflé (do women still make these?) a critical comment from the Mother-in-law, an eye roll over paper plates from the Aunt, oh…and the one gift she received under the tree.
One hand-made candleholder made with love and painted macaroni.
She loves seeing her family happy, and nothing beats watching her children open gifts, and she knows the true meaning of Christmas. Yet she can’t help but feel a little empty; so she distracts herself with giving and serving, while telling herself she ‘is being stupid and needs to suck it up.’ She takes the freshly made bacon wrapped scallops out of the oven, waves her eyes clear of tears, inhales deeply, and joins the party. “Hungry?” She sings. They all run to the platter of savory and leave her none.
Does this sound like you? The Christmas Door Mat or The Maid of Merry Men?
If so, I am here to release you from the hard bondage in which you have been forced to serve. With a loving lecture!
STOP IT!
What if I were to tell you that the reason Jesus was born, (the reason we celebrate Christmas) was so that we could rest and receive abundant blessing? Not strain ourselves to the point of tears.
Jesus knew that women have a tendency to strive to earn favor with man and Christ. Which is why God strategically left this story of Mary and Martha, in the bible….
Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.”
And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10: 38-41
His peace and presence is available to all, but it is up to us Martha’s to put down our apron and just be present enough to enjoy the gift of the moment.
It is perfectly acceptable to expect blessing for yourself on Christmas. It’s not selfish and it’s not sacrilegious. No one ever called you to be a Christmas Martyr. In fact when you take it upon yourself to please everyone, you are actually taking away their opportunities to be a blessing. It feels good to give. Why not let your family experience that too.
We as moms need to help our children and husband bless us. I know that this sounds selfish, and I know that the giver in you is cringing. I realize Christmas isn’t just about gifts, but gifts are a legitimate godly way of showing care for one another.
I drive my children, including my teenaged son, to shop for their dad and me. I drop them off at my favorite store and tell them what I don’t want.
Last year, my teenaged boy was absolutely mortified when I dropped him off at a girly accessories store. I walked him into the store and introduced him to the cashier. “My son is shopping for me, these are the things I like, and can you help him?” I asked. She looked as awkward as he did. It was a match made in retail!
“I’ll be in the car,” I said, as I walked out the door. My son, his poor face turned Rudolph red. But that face turned into a very proud grin when I opened a great pair of gloves and scarf on Christmas morning.
I just scored points with his future wife. ‘Not afraid to shop at girly stores to buy his wife great gifts.’ CHECK!
Some husbands may need the same encouragement.
My husband loves to make me happy, and to be honest he deserves more gifts around the tree this year than I do, and he spoils me. So dropping him off at the local frilly shop will be in vain. What I can give him, that in turn blesses me, is an unstressed, joyful version of me. He’s not looking for a perfected Christmas Décor, or an overstuffed brined turkey. He is looking for moments with me, moments when he has my full, happy and content, attention.
This year I have given up the family photo, the Christmas letter and even the Christmas cards. I’m going to express my needs and ask for help. I am going to serve child decorated cookies, that look like reindeer vomit and I’m going to stick to mashed potatoes, turkey and pie. Martha Stewart, you’re fired!
What can you do for yourself this Christmas?
Sarah Ball is a blogger, speaker, and mother of 5 children. She is currently working on a series called Fearless in 21 days, helping men and women break free from crippling anxiety and panic. You can follow her blog at Virtuous Woman Exposed.
Sarah says, “Head on over to my Virtuous Woman Exposed Facebook Page so we can be friends! You can also find me on Pinterest and Twitter.”
Have any Christmas marriage thoughts for us? Link up the URL of one of your marriage posts in our Wifey Wednesday Linkup below! And be sure to link back here so other people can read these great posts.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I wish I read this 20 yrs ago!! I can totally relate to doing, doing, doing and getting zero appreciation, only suggestions on how to make it better for next year. Then 2 Christmases ago when my youngest complained about the matching pjs I got-for 7. First I went to a quiet place, ‘my pantry’ and sobbed. It was the last of many insensitive things that had happened that beautiful day. As I contemplated how to get to my car & leave for the next week or two, sure my absence would only be noticed when the dishes needed done or groceries got low, I heard my children and brother talk about all I did, my efforts, and how much I deserved to feel appreciated. And I realized they DO appreciate me, and need more opportunities to show it and grasp all I do. So last year everyone helped with the preparations, from grocery shopping to meal prep to clean up. And I realized I ‘taught’ them to expect me to do everything and ‘just sit back and enjoy’. What started as wanting to serve them turned into being a doormat. This year we’re learning about appreciating what we have, courtesy of my youngest again, who is learning to treat his belongings well, and to contribute to the family rather than benefit from our efforts. So the one present they will receive from me will help reinforce what I’m teaching them. They will likely be surprised, but they’ve been forewarned. The memories are being built, and I am going to enjoy my second Christmas in a very long time instead of feeling empty afterwards.
It is good to know my feelings were not selfish, and to realize as a single mom of 5 I did A LOT and need to teach my children to give and appreciate, not allow them to go into victim mentality (dad left us) and focus on what they can take. Sometimes it’s subtle attitudes, or over reacting to situations, and sometimes it’s in-your-face blatant like my youngest. But these are not things that will serve them well in life.
When they blink and try to understand how Christmas became one gift and many memories being built, I’m sure I will go back to this article and be proud I’m teaching my children how to treat others, and how to appreciate what we have in all situations.
Thank you!
Merry Christmas
Amen! Loved this line especially: “And I realized they DO appreciate me, and need more opportunities to show it and grasp all I do.”
Great comment, and great attitude, and I wish you a very blessed Christmas!
I was just thinking about this subject on my way to work this morning because I have holiday memories that make me shake my head in disbelief at what I did or tried to do. I have pared the holiday stuff way back this year, and I realized that it was because last year was so terrible (for reasons mostly out of my control). I am not making cookies! Wait, the world did not stop spinning on its axis when I suggested that my kids make the cookies that they wanted–without me. I told my husband I was not making the holiday treat that his mom always made. It was time-consuming and we were trying to avoid unhealthy snacks so 10 pounds of homemade junk food was a bad idea! He seemed disappointed and I suggested that he make it if it was important to him (nicely, not in a snarky voice). Several hours later, he showed up with a couple of bags of the store-bought equivalent and I can definitely live with that.
I am giving up on the micromanaging, too. I requested that my husband take care of gifts for certain people and then I left it alone. We are now trying to figure out together what to eat on Christmas eve and Christmas day and it looks like a non-traditional Christmas meal because I am not insisting on perfection, whatever that is. I am blessed with thoughtful kids who are good about gifts for me. When they were little, I would give them a $10 bill and take them to the dollar store to shop for their family. They could do it without my help at a very young age (“this money will buy 9 things”) and they were very proud. Now that they are older, they do what they can to give me a great Christmas so they are on board with changing things up to make it less stressful for all. It’s going to be a good Christmas.
Way to go, Meredith! That sounds wonderful. And I TOTALLY know what you mean about having a house full of junk food maybe not being the best thing. With my gallbladder issues this year I’ve realized how healthy I actually need to eat just in order to feel well. My family’s being really good about it, too!
I decided on chili as my easy Christmas Eve meal this year. Usually we make a bunch of appetizers and desserts for the post-Christmas Eve service gathering at my house. But since this year I have to work on Christmas Eve and my husband has sort-of-kind-of moved out making this Christmas even more difficult, I thought chili would be a good, easy make-ahead and heat in the crock pot during church meal. PS, loved this post and want to send this to my mom and grandma who always work so hard and selflessly on holidays to make everything perfect. I’m sure they didn’t always feel their efforts were appreciated, but looking back I cherish the memories from all our family holidays growing up and what they did to make sure they were a special time for us kids and the whole family.
When I was growing up, we always had chili for our Christmas eve meal. I think it is a great choice! 🙂
This is a great reminder! I hope that every woman who reads it will take it to heart and really apply these ideas over the next week.
I love this post! However, my reason for being a Christmas martyr is that my church adds a lot of extra busyness this time of the year. We had a ladies bazaar that was pretty much mandatory, and now we are in a string of late-night choir practices. I wish I were bringing this on myself–if I was it would be easy to do away with some of it! As it is I feel stressed and exhausted, and can’t wait until Christmas is over!
I hear you! You may like this article: When women start saying no to church activities.
What if the Christmas decorations and annual letter and cards are fun for you? I don’t mind doing the decorating. Christmas is my favorite holiday and allows me to share Christ a little more openly through my decorating. I get to choose what goes where and how it is displayed. Even yesterday, I was still putting out Christmas decorations in the yard. My husband asked me why. I simply said, “It’s Christmas!” Now putting stuff off till the last minute makes it harder, and the only gift from my husband will be my trip to see my family. That is a little harder. But, I am learning to trust, and depend on, God a whole lot more and let stuff like that not be an irritant. 😉 🙂
I think if you love it, you should do it! If that’s part of Christmas to you, then it’s important to your soul, and doesn’t make you a martyr!
I love that you direct us to the story of Mary and Martha. Such a timely reminder any day of the year but especially now, when our hearts are trying to create these “perfect” memories and we run ourselves weary–spiritually, physcally, mentally and emotionally. Thanks for reminding me to choose the better part–Jesus, a quiet night at home with my family, etc.
For me, I became a Christmas Martyr to other peoples’ expectations. Our families both live in the same area as us, which has MANY perks, please don’t misunderstand me – there are pros and cons to everything though and for us it’s that the holidays can sometimes be a massive game of tug-of-war between the two families, both layering on the expectations and the guilt trips when things don’t go the way they want. It didn’t take long into my marriage for me to begin to dread the holidays, and then full-on loathe them. Because it was all about what everyone else wanted. We spent the holidays running around with our hair on fire trying to keep both sides of the family happy, and I was exhausted and miserable and feeling like I didn’t matter, because whenever I tried to express that maybe we could try something a little different there would be much wailing and tearing of clothes and putting on of sackcloth and ashes – “Oooooh whyyyyy doesn’t Melissa want the family to be together??? What about our TRADITIONS???” Traditions were trotted out to guilt us into doing whatever they wanted. We couldn’t BREAK TRADITION. OH THE HORROR.
At some point, though, especially after we had children of our own, my husband and I needed to start building our own traditions and putting ourselves into the equation. We’ve been kicking around the idea off and on for a long time that once we had kids of our own, we would like to transition to spending Christmas Day at home and having my husband’s parents come to us instead of us going to their house (we spend Christmas Eve with my side of the family). We both grew up spending Christmas Day at home, and we both wanted the same for our kids. This year, as our oldest just turned five, is the year we finally make that transition. It was good timing. My husband has had some health issues this year and he tires out much more quickly than he used to, so it will be better for him to stay home. The kids will still go spend some time at their grandparents’ house to do “Christmasey” stuff like make cookies and have hot cocoa, but Christmas Dinner will be at our home. And I’m keeping it simple. It’s just our little family (my husband is their only child locally), we don’t need a huge turkey and ten side dishes. 🙂
Ultimately, though, both sides of the family have come to understand that my husband and I are only human, and we cannot be responsible for everyone’s happiness. All we can do is the best we can. Yes there is still a little bit of drama every once in a while. But that’s life. We have learned to handle it differently, to acknowledge “I understand you are feeling this way and I am sorry. But I am only human and I am doing the best I can, and I need you to be supportive of that. I love you and I want to make time for you this Christmas but I cannot make there be more hours in the day than there already are.” That has helped.
Thanks for reminding us, Sarah, of the need to “not be a martyr” this Christmas. I think most wives/mothers struggle with this, so it is a timely and practical reminder to us all. Thanks also to you, Sheila, for hosting us and sharing Sarah’s thoughts. I hope you and your family have an especially blessed Christmas and New Years! Your ministry is greatly appreciated, my friend!
I don’t remember ever having this problem. I grew up in South Africa and our academic year actually matches the calendar year. So school ended the first week in December and we’d pack up and go to the beach. So my mom had some stress getting us all packed up getting the car serviced and making sure she had all the Christmas presents bought before we left. But then we went to the beach and did whatever we wanted. When we got older, we kids took care of all the packing and my mom decided we could run the household at the beach. So we did all the cooking, cleaning and laundry in December. We get to practice domestic skills and my mom gets to rest. Winning all around.
We all happen to love cooking, so we’ll have some baking and probably cook a goose and at least 4 sides for Christmas. But I’m in graduate school and my sister is in college (in America). Exams ends tomorrow. I still have to finish grading for the course I teach. Next week we’re baking and making sweets and making Christmas dinner. But we’re certainly not going to kill ourselves.
This is a great reminder for my to slow down, especially during this time of year when everything feels so hectic. I usually go on daily walks but I haven’t done so recently because I’ve been caught up in the holiday hype. Well, today I went on the walk and it refreshed me. Thanks again for this timely post.
I keep Christmas simple and actually don’t expect anything from hubby Gift giving from him has been on both ends of the spectrum and everything in between….from getting absolutely nothing to getting really awesome gifts that he thought of and purchased on his own. Instead, I focus on what I like to do, and if I get the shaft gift-wise for Christmas, I treat myself during all the great post-holiday clearances.
And I don’t lie about it either If hubby didn’t get me anything and someone asks what he got me, I tell them the truth. I don’t whine or complain, I just matter-of-factly state that he didn’t get me anything.
Amen! I think you have it right. Christmas is not supposed to stress us out, rather be a time of joy to spend with the family. I love this post.
I have had some years where the gift thing really stressed me out. That was mainly because we have had such a limited budget. My husband has been about incapable of really helping me. He is making huge strides in trying to get more involved now. I don’t blame him for his inability to help me, I’m just thankful he is doing more now.
I think it is so important to keep Christmas simple enough that you don’t freak out. If you start freaking out, time to back off.