Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today’s comes from a college-aged friend of my oldest daughter Rebecca:
Should you wait until you finish college to have a relationship–or to marry?
This is a question that’s rather emotional to me, because both Rebecca and myself dated men who felt this way–and eventually ended it. Both of us were just starting relationships early in university, and those men, who genuinely liked if not loved us, decided that they didn’t want to pursue a relationship because school was more important.
In retrospect, we’re both glad, even though it hurt horribly at the time, because I got my amazing husband and Rebecca is now in a serious relationship. But that man that I would have married in a heartbeat has now been divorced at least once, and the man Rebecca would likely have married is now alone.
I am not saying that we are the ones who caused these men’s heartache–as if, had they chosen us instead, they’d be happy now. I actually think that this idea they both had that school came first was the main cause of their current predicament–not that they lost us in particular. So let me share my reader’s question, and then I’ll look at it from several angles: the young woman; the young man; and the parents of that young man.
Reader Question
Priorities Follow You–if you prioritize work above all early, you will prioritize it later too
Rebecca and I were chatting about this question yesterday, and she said an insightful thing: “in marriage you have to deal with personality differences and family of origin differences and differences in expectations, but these can all be overcome if you share two important things: you both love God, and you both feel the relationship comes first.” And she’s right. If you both love God and you both value the relationship, you can work through anything else.
But here’s what happens to many people when they approach school: They think, I have made certain goals for my life academically and career-wise. And I can’t afford to have anything distracting me from my goals.
There’s a problem with that line of thinking, and it goes like this: If you decide that the main focus for your life will be your career, then the main focus of your life WILL BE YOUR CAREER. It will not automatically change once you graduate. Essentially you’re saying: I need to concentrate on my real life now, and when I am ready I will add a wife and children (or a husband and children, if the roles are reversed). And that’s the problem: you’re ADDING the wife to your life; she is not the central focus of it. You have compartmentalized your life, and you likely will continue to do so. It will be very difficult to all of a sudden do a 180 and then start thinking of your wife, and here’s why:
Life Does Not Get Any Easier After College is Over
This essentially is the biggest misconception people make about relationships and college. They’re so focused on reaching their goal–whether it’s becoming a doctor or getting that Ph.D. or whatever–that they think that once this is over I can start to live my real life.
But let me tell you: I have been married to a physician all during his training (including medical school and residency), and I have done postgraduate work myself. And while there is a unique kind of stress to school, there is stress at every stage of life. Every single stage. And it doesn’t get easier.
If you train yourself that your way of handling stress is to be alone and buckle down and get it done, then that is also the way you will handle stress when you are married. If you think you have no time for a relationship now, you will have no time for a relationship later, either–even if you do marry. Everything in life is about priorities. And deciding that a relationship is a lower priority now is also toxic to a marriage later. Those who prioritize school now are far more likely to become workaholic husbands (or workaholic wives) and have distant marriages later. Which leads me to this thought:
Don’t Underestimate the Asset that a Relationship Can Be During College
I grew up without my dad. I endured my mother and my step-father splitting up at a very vulnerable age for me (14). My son died.
But with all that, I can tell you that the thing that took the worst toll on me is the fact that my now-husband initially broke off our engagement. For three months I was alone, thinking that relationship wouldn’t work, until he came back and we started again.
Why do I share that? Because as terrible as the death of my son was, I could deal with it because I was in a good marriage. Being married strengthened me; being alone shattered me. I learned a lot from that period of my life; it was a spiritual turning point, and God used it for good. But looking back, I also know that one reason God gave us a marriage partner is so that we don’t have to take the storms of life alone. Having someone to walk through the hard times with you is a tremendous boon.
I was married during some of Keith’s hard struggles with school. Medical school was awful for him; he’s an outgoing, energetic, kind person, and having to do extreme bookwork for two years with professors constantly talking down to you was debilitating. He almost quit, and he often says that he would have had it not been for me encouraging him and telling him that being a doctor would be completely different from being a medical student. If he could just get through this, he could get through anything.
And the sex didn’t hurt, either.
Seriously. Sex is a great stress reliever!
So here’s the thing as a student: you’re going to go through stress anyway. It’s going to be a lot of work. So you can choose to go through it alone, or you can say, “if God brings me someone, I’ll really consider it.”
There is a degree of pride in saying “I can do it on my own better.” God made us for relationship.
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God’s Agenda is Not Always Our Agenda
I’m a goal-oriented person, and so I can understand being so focused on an academic goal that you decide that relationships have to wait. But I don’t think this is a wise spiritual decision.
You may have the best plan in the world–but that’s all it is. It is a plan of your own making. Do not EVER become so wedded to your own plans that you miss out on what God has for you. Keep open to the Spirit. Keep open to new things. Keep open to changing your plans. If your plans become your life, then you are cutting God out and you are standing in His place, and that’s pride. It may seem like it’s selfless–I don’t want to get into a relationship with someone when I know how much I will have to work to get through this degree, and so I’m sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of the person I may end up hurting–but it’s really pursuing your own goals no matter what.
For some people that may be what God has for them. But in my own life, every time I have thought I had a really great plan God has changed it. The people that I see who are miserable today or not living up to their potential tend to be people who have pursued their own plans. Be careful.
A Quality, God-Fearing Spouse is Not Easy to Find
Many people who delay relationships for school figure that they will meet someone wonderful later. They may even see this as an act of faith–believing that God would bring someone else when they had made themselves ready. (And if God has honestly told you to wait, it likely is an act of faith. But save a word from God, I’d just be very careful.)
God does not work on our timetable. And if you find someone that you respect and admire and get along with easily and laugh together who also loves God–do not give that up lightly. Marrying young is not the worst thing in the world. Sometimes it can be the best.
You may have the best plan in the world- but that’s all it is. A plan of your own making. Do not EVER become so wedded to your own plans that you miss out on what God has for you.
Break Up Because the Relationship Won’t Work, Not Because the Timing Won’t Work
If you end something, it should be because God has shown you the person won’t work. Timing isn’t a deal-breaker; it’s an obstacle, that’s all. Jacob had to work fourteen years for Rachel in the Old Testament story, but he didn’t abandon her just because of timing. “A wife of noble character is hard to find”–as is a husband of noble character. Don’t shut a door that you don’t know will open again. That may feel like an act of faith, but from what I’ve seen, it’s more likely that you’re substituting your own plans for God’s plans.
But What About Money to Support a Spouse?
After all, if you marry, shouldn’t you be able to support someone? Isn’t that a legitimate reason to wait?
It may be a legitimate reason to wait to marry; but I don’t think it’s a legitimate reason to wait to have a relationship.
First, if you’re living off of student loans and part-time jobs to put yourself through school, chances are it’s cheaper to be married and live in one household anyway, so money shouldn’t really be a factor in that case. When Keith and I married we saved money, and because we were married we also qualified for more government assistance because they stopped taking our parents’ income into account.
But what if you’re going through school on your parents’ dime? Here’s where parents need to enter the conversation. With our daughters, we are paying a certain percentage of their undergraduate costs (once you’re in grad school you can earn your own way). We have always decided to do that, and it doesn’t change if they marry. So they don’t get cut off from support for school just because they marry.
Last Words to the Young Woman:
To the woman who asked this question, you need to move on and run far away from this guy. If he can’t prioritize you now, he would not be able to prioritize you if you ever married, either. Run close to God, and God will fill the gaping hole you’re feeling right now. And God will bring someone into your life who WILL prioritize you–don’t ever settle for less.
Last Words to the Young Man:
I do understand how important school is. I understand the urge not to pursue a relationship because everything is so up in the air, and you don’t feel you have the time to dedicate to a relationship right now. If no young woman presents herself, then this may honestly be okay. But be careful of ending a potential relationship with a great young woman over timing, because the timing will never get better. And ask yourself this: in twenty years, what do I want most? A great career, or a great marriage and family? If the answer is “a great career”, then you likely should remain single always. That isn’t fair to a spouse. And if the answer is “a great marriage and family”, then that doesn’t happen automatically.
You can’t wall yourself off from people now and expect to be able to prioritize them later. Tread carefully; listen to God’s voice; and keep your eyes open.
Last Words to the Parents:
We live in an age where we value status and career almost over everything else. This is a mistake. The most important aspect of your child’s life will be the legacy he or she leaves behind. For some of us, that will be about career, but for most of us, it’s about family. And family often speaks more to character than anything else. Don’t push your child away from relationships in college, because that’s giving the wrong message about what’s really important in life.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
When men decide to break off of a relationship because of school, career, or whatever else, I think it comes down to the fact that he’s just not that into you. He doesn’t like you enough to deal with all of the complications that come with having a relationship while in college/grad school.
Abby, in general I’d agree with you, but I have known a LOT of men who have broken up relationships because of school, and that’s really the only reason. I know many guys currently in college who are determined not to date because it will wreck their grades. So I do think this happens–and it’s that philosophy that I think is a mistake. But regardless of the reason, a guy who would make that decision isn’t worth pursuing, because I still think he will make similar decisions once he’s married.
I see what you’re saying about the guy who isn’t willing to put relationship above school. I do think the opposite is true as well. .. a girl who isn’t willing to understand the time commitment of school and at times be willing to let him devote his energy to his studies isn’t going to be understanding when work gets demanding. My son chose to break off his relationship because she was expecting daily Skype dates and such. He is in a very demanding program and she wasn’t willing to sacrifice and let him focus on his studies. I thought it was quite telling of her self-centered, demanding spirit (which I also saw while they were in high school). I’m glad he chose to break it off. He needs a woman who will understand and be supportive when work needs to be given more focus, rather than nag and complain that she’s not getting the attention she wants. And that is what she was doing.
That’s a great point, too. I definitely should have made it. I think a girl/boy who doesn’t respect the work that has to go into a degree would count as not having the character to continue a relationship, and thus you’d be breaking up because you know the person isn’t right. Not because you won’t have a relationship in principle, but because this particular person isn’t right. School is a lot of hard work!
I think my husband managed his better once we were married because he could just study at home; he didn’t have to come and see me all the time. 🙂
My husband and I have a strange story. We met during the end of my freshman year/his senior year because we were on the same missions trip to Rwanda. We got along very well during the trip and then when we returned we ended up working at the same summer camp. Throughout the summer we became closer and closer and eventually it became obvious we “liked” each other. This was the first time to my knowledge a boy had felt about me this way, as I had not been interested in dating in high school. Problem was, when I started college I had made a promise to God that I wouldn’t date until the end of my sophomore year/when I turned 20. At the time I hadn’t given it much thought. Dating had never been a part of my life. Much like I decided to not pursue a scholarship playing basketball because I wanted to focus on the education I was paying thousands of dollars for, I decided not to date either. I still gave plenty of time to my friend relationships, but school was important to me. Well, even without officially “dating” my now-husband and I both felt that we were headed towards marriage. When he first headed back to his parents after some after school plans had fallen through (he had graduated remember), we would talk on the phone for hours and hours. Finally, I felt very convicted about this because even though we weren’t dating in name, we were essentially in action. So, I did the hardest thing I had to do up until that point, I told him we couldn’t talk anymore (he knew about the whole God-promise thing from the beginning). It was horrible. Like you described that three months apart from your husband. I felt like I had lost my best friend. We didn’t wait all the way until my birthday to communicate again. He called my when his cousin died and we started talking occasionally again after the new year to discuss our plans for our relationship. He surprised me on my birthday and took me out on our first real “date.” We were engaged by the end of the summer. Going on six years of marriage – one kid and one on the way.
I’m not sure what this story exactly has to do with your post except to share our strange college meet-up story. I would never have planned it our that way for sure. And if I had known I probably would never had made that silly little promise to God. But God knew. I think he was protecting us with that promise. If we would have had to wait even longer to get married than we did (about a year) we would have, as Paul says “burned with passion.” I guess the point is one of the same ones you made. Follow God’s plan as he unfolds it, not your own. His is better anyway. And, even though we put our relationship on hold.. we still put it first. You’re right – life doesn’t get easier. We’ve been through grad school, cancer, 12+ moves, infertility scares, and more… but our relationship has always been there.
Sorry for the novella!
-liz
Don’t apologize! I loved your novella! So true. God’s plans–not our own. And I’m sorry about all the stresses you’ve faced–but isn’t it better to have someone to face them WITH?
It sure is! 🙂
There is great value in learning to cope with stress before you are married.
My husband and I started dating in our final year of university. We were long-distance, so big phone bills and a new invention called “email” helped us keep in touch.
It wasn’t easy. There were days we would have liked to talk more, actually see each other instead of emailing, etc. But I’m so glad we stuck with it. We learned how each other copes with stress, how to handle pressure and limited time together, how to offer and receive support. All very useful now, with 4 kids in the house!!
That’s awesome, Emily! Long distance relationships are so hard, and often so lonely. Lovely how it all worked out for you!
My husband and I have been married 17 years. We got married in the summer between our freshman and sophomore years in college. We chose our wedding date based on college sessions. We chose the time to start trying for children based on my graduation. I am so glad we got married in college. We learned early in our relationship that decisions must be made for the benefit of our marriage. My husband changed his college choice because it would have put a strain on our relationship. I received full tuition for the first year; therefore, the logical choice for our relationship was for him to attend the same college that was giving me full tuition. Together we learned how to deal with the stress of college and having a job to make ends meet. We also learned that there are times when one spouse needs to study and do other responsibilities so the other spouse must take on a few extra responsibilities. It taught us how to work as a team. Attending college to achieve a career meant nothing to either of us if we didn’t have each other. We wanted a good career so that we would have a great life together. Life is much easier when you can lean on your spouse during rough times. Life is much more fun when you can lean on your spouse during the good times as well. I would also like to add that college does provide a unique type of stress that is often times very difficult. My marriage went through approximately five years of a really rough patch due to a failed business, sick parent, and other life stresses. God taught us how to deal with stress together in college. This lesson learned in college helped to keep us together through this long rough patch. God is so good!
Thanks for sharing that story, Carnetta! That’s great, and that’s similar to my experience, too.
I agree with the premis that at any point in life you will have to prioritize your spouse, and as a previous commenter suggested, give your spouse the ability to focus on important goals. I just wish my first marriage had this. I married in college and ended up not completing because my developing theology on life and fundamentals were not welcome, and I did not ‘contribute to the household $’. So I quit and got on a career track if only to prove I could contribute equally if not more. Needless to say I was jaded and ended up divorcing him because the mental games were too much.
Now that I’m in a healthy relationship with two daughters I have realized that there were several things I missed in dating that were indicators that he might be a bait and switch. My dreams and aspirations were fine for a girlfriend, but for his wife, I guess, they were supposed to be tempered down. Funny that never came up before the wedding. I do realize that I must teach my girls to not just fall for a man, but court with purpose- because regardless of if you are still learning who you are or not, does this person value you enough to grow with you, to encouraged you, and if necessary, guide you in a loving way.
I hear ‘oh you were young and were finding yourself’ as an excuse why young people divorce. As someone who married at 20 and divorced 7 years later I refuse to accept that. College wasn’t the only life-changing event I have been through. I’ve had children and reevaluated what I consider acceptable tv and music, gone to funerals of people young and old, had medical emergencies, etc. I don’t get a pass for youth, and men and women should think more of themselves than to believe this lie. I’ve seen many older marriages that started young, where they had to find their identity together as a couple, not as an individual and it made them better people and their marriage secure and intimate. So here’s to Grace, greater than all my sin!
Hi Sarah, thanks for sharing! It’s so important to keep your eyes open during dating–and when you know the person’s character isn’t good or the person isn’t a good match, to end it quickly. I’m sorry you missed the warning signs (so many people do!) Glad you’ve found a good relationship now. You’re right–youth isn’t an excuse.
Thank you for this article. My son is a sophomore in college with a serious girlfriend who is also a sophomore. As a parent we have lectured about waiting until you finish school to get serious or marriage talk and about needing to be able to have a career that will support a family down the road. You have given me a different perspective to think about. I worry all the time they are going to come home and tell me something I don’t want to hear. (LOL) but I do think they are in love and are made for each other. I do not want them to break up, just wait on the marriage part. But your article made me see that if they don’t, their world will not come crashing down around them! I have prayed for our sons to find God fearing women to marry since they were born and it looks like our first born has found that so I guess I should celebrate, huh!!
Absolutely! Celebrate. That’s wonderful!
Wow – that stings! Right now my own life is in such a complex place (ongoing illness making it difficult even to contemplate dating; starting and maintaining a small business – at God’s leading – with what energy I do have; trying to have something left over to give to church, etc.) that dating and marriage seem a remote possibility. Relationships seem to come last right now because just keeping going is a full-time job!
But I guess I’ve been guilty of this in one way or another and it has given me food for thought.
“Life Does Not Get Any Easier After College is Over” – so true!! It may have been graduating at the start of a very bad recession (1980 – 1982), but this was true for me. “Don’t Underestimate the Asset that a Relationship Can Be During College” – excellent points here. (How I wish I had had a good relationship while an undergrad and married earlier.)
It is a shame that we place so much emphasis on career and worldly success and status. We tend to make a false god out of these. (Of course, in the US, the government’s failed policies are making it more difficult for young adults to start out.) I think postponing marriage, as many do today, can be a problem. If you marry later, both spouses may be too set in their ways (too rigid) and less willing to make the adjustments and adaptations necessary to make the marriage work well. Yet, young adults do change and mature even after they finish college. What he or she wants and values at age 20 or 21 may change by the time he/she reaches the late 20s. That said, earlier marriages worked for our parents and grandparents so these can succeed, last and be happy.
Personally my values have never changed but I do agree being set in your ways as you get older is a definite problem. And with age also comes a certain amount of baggage. There are only two things my husband and I struggle with – his lack of interest in sex, and the fact that because we didn’t get married until our early 30s and had lived on our own (well me with my daughter from my first marriage), we were used to doing our own thing. We are both determined to make things work though and have been to counselling for it. It still can be very frustrating when he does things without telling me (I am happy to follow his lead but I need to see where he is leading to be able to follow). But things are getting better.
I concur that if that’s the guy’s excuse then he just isn’t that into her. Not that he doesn’t care at all, but that he doesn’t care enough. You have time for whatever you want to have time for. He doesn’t want to have time for her. Sure, it hurts, but would you rather end up marrying someone who will work you in or someone who can’t do without you? There’s a difference between trying to do well at school at making that one’s whole life. That kind of single minded focus, as you point out, is likely to manifest later on as a major career focus. That’s something to be concerned about.
When I met my wife (well, she’s my wife NOW, she wasn’t then… obviously…) she was midway through pharmacy school. That is a pretty grueling program with long hours of constant study. But she decided she wanted to have time for me. We would hang out at her shared apartment while she studied or on weekends. She found the time and the ability to step away from schoolwork and study periodically to have a good (well, I presume it was good, she’s still married to me) relationship didn’t hurt her schoolwork at all. If anything, it gave her a future to go for- she wasn’t just studying for a career, she was preparing for a career that will help support a household with her eventual husband.
Iff you’re cutting off all possibility of dating during that time there’s a lot of interesting opportunities you’re turning down. Sure, someone can do that if he or she chooses, but what it finally comes down to is you aren’t important enough to them to investigate that possibility. That being the case, best to move on and explore other possibilities. Sad to say, but he probably did the young lady a favor, even if a painful one. He set her free to find someone who really DOES care for her that much.
Wow, these are hard words for me to digest, and I’ve been married for over a decade! Although I became a Christian as a young girl, I have been conditioned by the world to put career and personal goals above family relationships. Through lots of prayer and seeking God, I’ve forgone a career outside of the home to raise/homeschool my children and pursue a writing career. But most days are a mental battle to put the needs of my family above the needs of my writing. In college, I did put my academic goals first and, while I dated my husband in college, we waited a couple of months until after I graduated to get married. We have a pretty solid relationship, but like I said, being a mom and wife at home is a mental struggle that I have to overcome daily.
Well, for me it’s simple if I truly do luv urselves. Luv comes first. I was still in sch wen I got married n somewhere along the line, my husband went back to sch for his masters n today I am a proud mother of two most beautiful boys born into a luv-filled marriage.. U can simply
work around anything when u luv.. Thanks
Good words, Sheila. I have one in college now, so those kinds of relationships have been on my mind. He doesn’t have any special girl-friend, which is FINE. But if he did… well, 18 is still pretty young, but I’m really thinking on what you said. He’s working at UPS, and could potentially support himself and eventually a spouse/family if he chooses to stay with that company, even without a college degree (which he’s working on.)
I think a couple other factors come into play also. My parents warned me as a young adult, NOT to expect to live at their standard of living right off the bat. Kids often forget that their parents didn’t start out where they see them now! By the time I was in college, my parents were both working and through wise decisions were doing well financially. I don’t remember our first house (bought furnished for the princely sum of $3000) with its ONE bedroom, and no central heating in a cold climate! Four of us lived there. They shared a car until I was probably in elementary school. If my mom wanted the car for the day, she loaded us all up in the morning and drove my dad to work, and then picked him up later. These were not considered unbearable conditions. Kids need to be prepared with realistic expectations – be prepared to start with less. Don’t think you have to wait to get married until you can live at the level of your parents.
The other factor is the reality of long-term relationships. Sometimes that works great for people – they’re in the relationship but waiting until they graduate (or for whatever) to get married. But realistically, if we want our kids to stay pure, a long relationship can be really counter-productive. They continue to grow closer and closer together, and the temptation mounts. I’m all for taking your time getting to know someone, but then having a relatively short engagement once you’ve made that commitment!
Just my two cents 😀
Julie
I love the description of your first house! So true. We did the one car thing for several years, too. It really isn’t that much of a burden–and it’s great to be able to afford things on your own!
I wish I had what my parents started with when they got married. My parents had a huge two storey house which started off as three bedrooms, kitchen, separate dining, seperate lounge, a study, huge rumpus room (which is now converted to a fourth bedroom and a second study), two full bathrooms and a double lock up garage. and two cars that weren’t very old – and they were younger than my (second) husband and I when they got married. And they had the privilege of my mum being able to be a stay at home mum after she had me.
The thing is all kids these days want is to be able to have the same as their parents at the same life point. When my parents were my age, their wages were nearly the same dollar figure for similar jobs (my parents and my husband and I are/were all public servants – they were teachers, I’m a nurse and my husband works in a government department doing IT), except for $1 34 years ago isn’t worth the same as $1 these days. And their four bedroom, two storey house 34 years ago cost literally a tenth of what my husband’s two bedroom tiny townhouse cost four years ago. And don’t even get me started on the cost of living increase.
My parents also had two near new cars when they got married. My husband and I wish we had that. Mine is near new because I needed to get one that was suitable for me to drive with my physical disabilities, and my husband’s car is as old as he is. And while it’s great when people can live on one car, with two workers with very different start times, we couldn’t if we wanted to – and we don’t want to as we both have to drive very long distances to work (and not near each other) so it’s actually cheaper to have two cars than for one of us to drop each other off at work.
I’d be more than happy to have what my parents started off with when they got married. I’d be happy with a lot less. The problem is young people don’t have the same opportunities as our parents’ generation, particularly here in Australia because the cost of accommodation has literally increase at between 10-20 times the increase in wages and the cost of living has increased at nearly the same ratio. The reality is a single wage could easily buy a brand new house 30 years ago and support half a dozen kids. These days it takes two people working just to buy a run down old apartment or townhouse a lot further out of town and lucky if you can ever afford to have kids.
I’ve long accepted that we’ll never live at the standard of our parents even though we both work very hard in our jobs (I’m only part time but there is a little loophole in government subsidies here that they will only subsidise three days of childcare a week so I work 5 days a fortnight, have one day for medical appointments – if I worked the other two days, I’d lose a lot of money by working them), we scrimp and save far more than our parents ever had to, my parents never went without medical care, yet we have to often (and that’s despite having private insurance because there are so many things neither medicare nor insurance cover like massive gap payments etc), and yet we barely break even. We’ll be living in this two bedroom place forever. And it’s hard with a toddler in our room as we can’t justify putting a little one that wakes several times a night in with our teenage daughter (not that there is space for a cot in her tiny room anyway).
The problem isn’t that kids don’t have realistic expectations… the problem is what was realistic just one generation ago is impossible now in many places.
I love this! My husband and I met in our second year of college and started to talk marriage very early on. (Freaked my mom OUT!) As things progressed, however, my husband and I realized that our current career tracks were incompatible, and marriage was just not going to work. For an agonizing 24 hours, we debated whether breaking up was the right thing to do, even though neither of us wanted to. Ultimately, I chose my husband. I changed my major, even though that meant staying in school an extra year. We were married in the middle of his last year of college, even though my parents (mainly my mom) was really upset that I “gave up my dreams” for him, we were marrying so young, and we were both still in school. I’ll tell you what though, this was the best decision of my life, and I am so thankful that God orchestrated things the way He did. In my current career (which I love), I am able to work from home and be with our three girls, something I would not have been able to do had I stayed on my previous career track. Yes, it was hard sometimes when we were both still in school or when my husband was working multiple transitional jobs to make ends meet while I finished school, but I look at those first few years of our marriage as some of the happiest and EASIEST times. (Kids complicated things a little, ha.) I chose my husband over school and over my “dream job” (which I see now would have made me miserable), and it was worth it!
That’s awesome, Karen! I gave up my dream job, too–and don’t regret it at all!
This is a great post and one that we really need to give more consideration to in the Christian community. I think there are a lot of reasons to focus on marrying younger in life. That being said. The only challenge I see is potential pregnancy. I mean even if you use birth control very reliably, if you are having sex there is a risk of pregnancy. As two single students, you both have part-time jobs and go to school part-time. I follow your line of reasoning that is you marry you still have the jobs and part-time school but you save on living expenses. But what happens if the lady gets pregnant. Does she still try to work and go to school and pay for $500+ in monthly child care, assume her parents will watch the baby free, stop working, then what happens to the budget, etc. How does this work. That is the only thing that kind of puts the wrench in this for me. I would love your thoughts.
That’s actually a really good point I was thinking about this morning after I had written it. I know as a parent with a child who will likely be marrying soon, I’m certainly thinking about that! I don’t think there are easy answers, except that if you’re careful pregnancy really can mostly be avoided. But perhaps wait to marry until you’re in that position, even if you do pursue a relationship?
The thing is, I see happening are all these (Christian) parents saying “wait until you graduate”. Well that’s fine and dandy, But do you know how many people I know who’s parents said that and were overcome by temptation? Dating 4+ years is really hard. So then they’re not married, they’re sleeping together anyway and now you have the risk of pregnancy, higher living cost, your wasting time sneaking around to see each other and no commitment. I think we can all agree that this is not a desirable scenario.
I’ve also seen people in graduate school who went ahead and got married. Some of them had unexpected pregnancies. You know what? It wasn’t the end of the world. They made it work. Sure it’s really tough to have one in graduate school, one in vet school and a baby, but it can be worked out.
You can’t delay life indefinitely for graduate school. I keep seeing reports that say average time to phd in 10 years. I’m in year 5 and the end in not in sight. I’m going to go ahead and get married anyway. If I get pregnant with birth control I suppose that’s God’s way of saying I don’t need a phd. I’m not going to wait another 1-3 years to get married.
Totally agree, alchemist! An I didn’t know you were engaged. Congratulations!
Not engaged quite yet. My boyfriend just (successfully) defended his PhD. He didn’t want to get engaged before he got it done. 😀
The irony right?
But we decided we’re definitely not waiting for me to finish my PhD as well. I could get out May 2016, but it could be much longer. I’m hoping to be married by next August. We’ve been dating for 3.5 years, and we’re getting pretty tired of only dating. It is really hard to stay chaste when you know you want to get married.
$500 in childcare? Wow I should move to the Canada or wherever you’re from! Here if I put my daughter in care 5 days a week, it’s $1500 a month. And that’s per child! Even at 3 days a week (which is the heaviest subsidised number of days), I pay nearly $700 a month.
I so wish someone would have told my parents this 15 years ago. They were so against me getting married while at university. They wanted me to wait another 6 years until I was finished (was doing what would have been an 8 year course). They like to say “I told you so” because we got divorced in the end, but the reality is they were happy for me to marry him, just wanted me to finish uni first. They liked him, even defended the terrible way he ended up treating me. But they were so obsessed with career (and in many ways still are). It’s only been in the last year my mother has finally admitted that becoming a doctor wouldn’t have worked out even if I waited longer to get married. With my physical and mental health, I’d have never completed the last four years of my medical studies anyway. Instead I became a nurse, work two days a week and have enough time for my kids and husband and absolutely love my job too because it doesn’t have the high stress of being a doctor.
God gives us options and I chose family over career and I have no regrets at all.
I honestly thought that this article was going to discourage college relationships, I am so thankful to see that it was the opposite!
My husband and I are so blessed to have each other now, rather than later. I am eighteen, and he just turned twenty. I am days away from finishing my first semester in college, and we are hoping that college is in the future for my husband. Despite all the new responsibilities, I have never had such a stress-free period in my life! I have wonderful parents, and I had a good childhood, but marriage is fantastic! So much better than any career that my college education could possibly give me . . . We are so blessed to be married young! No matter what struggles we will go through, we will go through them together. Thank you for this uplifting post!
This is such an awesome article! I read parts out loud to my husband, and he agreed with me.
We have been married for two and a half years, and I’m set to graduate with my master’s degree this Friday. We began dating at the end of our freshman year of college and got married about six months before we graduate college. I was a double major and graduated cum laude. People always raised their eyebrows at me when I said I was getting married in college, like they were thinking, “whew, she’s in for a surprise.” But seriously, marriage and college fits together a lot easier (at least in our case) than dating in college. Dating is stressful! Marriage is just…chill. Because you live together. And you know you’ll put the relationship first. And it’s great (although I am getting tired of one of us in school–two incomes would be nice for a change).
Next year my husband starts his grad program, and we are very happy we went ahead and married. Our parents kinda freaked out when we first brought up marriage (but really, don’t parents always get a little anxious when marriage comes up, no matter the age?), but they warmed to the idea quickly and fully supported us when they realized we were taking marriage planning seriously.
Bottom line: People always matter over things. Always. A relationship/marriage matters more than college schoolwork. So break up because the person isn’t God’s best for you, not because you have a heavy class load.
This is what my daughter says exactly: “Dating is stressful! Marriage is just…chill. Because you live together.” Yep!
This article was great! I do think that our society puts way too much focus on being 100% settled or 100% ready before getting married. I started law school in August and got married in September – 1 week before midterms! My husband is a great support to me, and I feel like I am handling the stress of school even better than I did in undergraduate school because of our marriage!
Rachel, I experienced the same thing, too! Getting to crawl into bed after studying with someone you love really does make you feel calmer for your exams!
I SO wish someone would have shared an article like this with me in high school or even college! It seems all I heard during those years was “better not to date” “finish school” etc. And b/c I never heard anything to the contrary, I bought into the hype. Didn’t date in HS, went on a few dates in college, but no serious relationships. And now I’ve graduated and am living in the “real” world, and where have all the Christian guys disappeared to? Don’t underestimate the benefits of living surrounded by people your age who share your values. It is exponentially harder to meet some to date/marry after you leave college. Like, next-to-impossible difficult.
Wow so interesting reading the comments! I completely skipped college and got married at 19. My husband, who is a year older, then pursued his degree whilst married, working full time and having four kids! Life only gets busier. We chose to go through the challenges together rather than alone and always knew that with God at the centre of our marriage we would always be able to achieve more together than apart. Love conquers all schedules, challenges and hardships. Keeping christ at the centre is what gives you the strength to sustain a healthy relationship in the midst of difficult seasons.
That’s beautiful, Jenny!
I loved this article. My husband and I married when we were both 20. We have been married for just over two years now and he is going back to school. I think having someone who supports you when you are accomplishing your goals, but also gives you personal room for growth is invaluable. It’s so important to always put God and love first. So many marriages fail because many can not see the big picture of what God wants. No where in the Bible does it say “go to college and establish a career”, God wants you to work hard, but above all he wants you to have a family, happiness, and a relationship with Him. No one should ever sacrifice a person who could bring them closer to God because they don’t have time, that just shows their priorities. Great article!
Hi
I am a 21 year old Nigerian in a relationship with a 22 year old Nigerian, we both just graduated and are doing the one year mandatory service. However, in Nigeria jobs are hard to find whether you go to University or not and our parents want us to go do masters degrees first before marriage. My parents are skeptical because he is a year older, average Nigerian marriage gap is 5 to 15 years age difference. But I love him and I feel peace with him….what do I do?
I have to admit that this reply comes a bit late as it is 2015 now. I met my partner 6years ago a year after I graduated from high school, I was the one with commitment issues not because of school but because I wasn’t sure I wanted to get serious that young. He went to uni in a different town 3hours away and we hardly saw each other. It was fine at the beginning and then I had a problem with it. But communication was always key in going forward. Now imagine my shock when he found a job in a different province (this is what Americans call State). One thing I’ve learnt from this is that What God has put together no man can asunder . Not even the need to focus on school or a career.
Thank you for posting. I recently began seeing a man, a few years older than myself, who feels a long distance relationship while I am still I’m college would limit me and make us both unhappy. I understand his concerns and, considering he does not want to get in over his head (he was with his previous girlfriend for over 5 years, thought he was going to marry her, etc.) and potentially hurt me the same way his ex was hurt.
My parents married each other when they were in their early 20’s so I have always thought waiting a few years to know the person better was the best option, but this man has made me feel like God is challenging my view of marriage. I have never felt so comfortable around anyone and we are both able to be open, respectful, and vulnerable with each other.
In his words, “we’re in a situation where we’re forced to just be friends for now,” even though we can’t seem to get enough of each other. I’m 21 and he is 27. Weve talked about this extensively, but I still can’t imagine feeling like this with anyone else.
I feel like we are essentially a couple, aside from also being monogamous and lovey-dovey.
I so, so so disagree with your article!!!!! My mom got married when she was in college and had to drop out when she married my dad to support them. As she said, she had no idea who she was at 19. My son tells me about how all of his friends are getting married and half of them are doing it in college because it is a Christian university and the thing to do. He says out of the three he knows, only one should really be getting married. The other two are going to end up in divorce. One of them was really getting married just so they could have sex.
My husband and I met when I was in college and he was in med school. So you think I should have dropped out or moved to him?? I had 2 years left when i met him. We dated long distance and it was perfect. There was NO way I was marrying him until I had my degree. I was NOT going to make the mistake my mom made. Now we still made each other a priority during the 2 1/2 years we dated. We got married right before his last year of medical school.
You also act like planning is a bad thing. We wanted to wait 5 years to have a kid, that way he would be almost through with residency and might have a chance to actually help me raise the kids. We wanted to have 2 kids 2 years apart. That is exactly what we did. We didn’t have all of the money stress. I was able to actually enjoy my life instead of being sad and complaining he wasn’t ever there while I was with the kids. Yes we were older when we had our first kids ( 28/30 ) It also enabled us to make wise decisions. To save money so that when our first child had a major medical disability, we could handle it. We saved my salary and just lived off of his and then have saved the majority of his when I quit work to be home with the kids. Now we lead mission trips, are able to contribute large amounts of money because we have learned how to live on much less than what he makes. My husband’s gift is definitely giving.
Yes, you need to hold your plans lightly. God did give us a “surprise blessing” when we were 35/37 and we wouldn’t trade her for the world. But to tell 18 and 19yo they should just go ahead and marry… A few godly couples could, but I’m afraid my son is right. 2/3 of them should not. They are marrying for hormones. I do not think we had wrong priorities by doing what we did.
So one size does not fit all. I think like most advice, you have to be careful and let the God guide you. Thank you for listening.
Christine–it actually sounds like you agree with my article! You started dating your husband long distance. That’s exactly what I was saying–you shouldn’t say that you shouldn’t have a relationship until you finish college if you meet someone awesome. You have to be open to God.
And you were open–and you dated him–and then you married him.
I never said that anyone should drop out of anything. I simply said that we shouldn’t say “you shouldn’t date until you’re graduated from college”. I’m glad you and your husband are happy–and I’m also glad you decided to pursue the relationship when you did, because that was obviously the right choice!
Oh, I love this article. Just reading it now for the first time, and I’m having fun thinking back to where my husband and I were in our lives when this article was published at the end of 2014: newlyweds, renting our first apartment together, no real cares besides work and trying to pay off his student debts asap. If we hadn’t been opened to a relationship in college, we wouldn’t be married now with two of the sweetest little boys with the most beautiful, kind, caring dispositions I’ve ever known. I can’t even think of what my life would be like now if he or I had put college and career ahead of our relationship (most certainly a lot more lonely!).
I think about what my younger brother is going through now: after his first girlfriend of 6 years (from high school and college) dumped him for the college party life, he has spent the last 5 years bouncing around from relationship to relationship (the first of which resulted in the birth of his son by a girl he dated for 2 months). Thankfully now, all he’s gone through between ages 21 and 26 has returned him to the Lord and he’s getting fed spiritually again by a good church and time in the Word on a regular basis.
College, in my opinion, is one of the best times to meet a potential mate: you are surrounded by people your age who probably share similar interest and beliefs as you and have the same or a similar education level as you. As my brother is discovering, it is SO much harder to find people when you’re “out in the real world”. Sometimes you can’t always find a potential spouse at church, so your other options are to date coworkers, friends of friends, or to try online dating (which, depending on the site you use, can be a difficult to pretty much impossible task to find someone of character and worth being married to for the rest of your life).
I’m not denying that God can bring you your future spouse in any number of situations or scenarios, and that He does this for many of His children on a regular basis. But if we’re just talking numbers, college when you’re young and surrounded by other young people is an ideal time to find your mate. Not to mention that if you’re with that person from a fairly young age, you have the pleasure of growing up with them and having many years of shared memories and experiences together long before you’re even middle aged.
Totally agree, Natalie! I do think it’s a lot easier to find someone in the university years (as a Canadian, I still have such a difficult time saying “college”. I know I put that in the title so all you Americans knew what I meant, but to us, college and university are totally separate! So funny). Anyway, it is just a numbers thing. Many of us will have different stories, and God does have paths for each of us, but I do think that ruling out relationships in college can really backfire!