It’s top 10 Tuesday, and today a brave Rajdeep Paulus (who is really hoping her mother isn’t going to read this blog) is going to fill us in on her top 10 reasons for morning sex!
Back in pre-children days, hubby and I were younger. Had more time and energy. Making our way into the bedroom early in the evening seemed all too easy–except maybe when the Chicago Bulls were in the playoffs. But really, sex was a priority and seemed like the perfect way to end a day.
Sixteen years, demanding careers, and four daughters between the ages of seven and fourteen later, time and energy seem more limited than ever.
Hubby’s also biking countless miles to prepare for a cross country trek next summer to fight human trafficking. I’m juggling several manuscripts, hoping to turn in drafts to my editor before Christmas. And the girls and their needs and activities require time and attention on a daily basis.
So when does a marriage have time to thrive—especially in the bedroom?
When we were newlyweds, just figuring out each other’s bodies was a challenge. About six years in, we attended a PAIRS class over ten weeks and it changed our marriage. Gave us the tools to communicate about the most delicate of topics, taught me a lot about myself, and challenged us to stop “dirty-fighting” and work through conflict with the perspective that we were on the same team, fighting for our marriage.
One of these conflicts has always been the “WHEN” in the equation of sex. You see, I married a med student–who then went through residency. And now juggles a few roles at the hospital he works as an attending physician. Throw in four babies along the way, and the fact that we’re opposites (he’s a morning person and I love to stay up at night and sleep in,) and the limited privacy in a small house in New York. Making sure we went to bed at the same time hasn’t always been an option. But, more often than not, waking up together happens.
And before I dive into my TOP TEN Reasons for Morning Sex, I want to share one of the best gifts given to us during the Emotionally Healthy Marriages seminar we attended. On the last day, we were asked to share our concerns about our bedroom relationships with our spouses, and I brought up the choice to say no. Was it okay to say no? Especially if I’m just tired. And the answer was a resounding, YES. Sex is a gift to be given to each other out our love and commitment to each other, not out of guilt or manipulation.
BUT, knowing how important it is to invest in each other to keep our marriage thriving, we chose that day, together, to really limit our “no’s” to each other since time and energy only dwindle as we get older.
That was also the day we began the conversation about WHEN was the best time. The nights work for many couples. And if it were up to me only, I would choose nighttime. But marriage is made of two people and compromise and what works best for the both of you.
Here are the Top Ten Reasons For Morning Sex:
1. You can tap into that dream you had last night and make those details come to life in real time.
2. You have more energy in the morning, and I say this even though I do not consider myself a morning person. After a good or decent night of sleep, most people wake up recharged and refreshed.
3. You have the background of singing birds outside your window to drain out any noises that might stir the children. Well, at least till winter comes and they all go south. 😉
4. You have a little light seeping through the shades, meeting the visual needs of a great experience without the floodlights of overhead light bulbs.
5. You can stretch out your kinks and stiffness that you wake up with. Morning calisthenics never felt so good.
6. You can enjoy an undisturbed time of making love with your spouse since teenagers prefer to stay up late at night and sleep in every morning.
7. You’re more in tune to the other person’s needs—what feels good, when to slow down, or when do things differently—simply because you can see each other’s body language.
8. You can put the “good” in Good Morning and give each other something to think about all day.
9. You’re just nicer to each other when the morning starts with kisses.
10. You can go to work with a smile on your face!
And nothing is written in stone. We still break the mold many days. But for the most part, this sleepy-head wife can honestly say, that whether it’s a weekend or a weekday, the best time for us as a couple has become the morning. Because hubby is a morning person, and he patiently wakes me up with his arms circled around my waist, waiting for some sign of life.
This usually includes me turning toward and not away from him.
And with eyes closed, I drift from my dreams to his tender kisses. Morning sex is a nice way to wake up. It really is.
What did I miss? And you and your honey? When is the best time to sneak in some couple time?
We take advantage of this in my marriage as well. I loved reason #4. I hadn’t thought about it before, but that is a very nice advantage.
(And since I’m a fan of YA fiction, I’ll be checking out Rajdeep’s books. Thanks!)
Hi J.!
Hubby keeps saying we need to get “real” curtains, the kind that block out every inch of light, but the shades work just fine for meβ¦ the morning sunlight helps me to come to grips with the new day too. And thanks so much for checking out my YA books! Appreciate the support!
hugs,
Raj
The only downside I’ve found to morning sex (really I do like it) is that when I’m pregnant I tend to have a residual soreness/pain afterward. If we have night sex I sleep and it’s no problem, but if it’s the morning I have to get up and go about the day and being up on my feet is annoying. My mother described having a similar experience but I’ve never heard anyone else talk about this. I’m not even quite sure how to describe it to someone who hasn’t experienced it (like my hubby haha who was confused but felt really bad when I told him the other day for the first time). I won’t let it prevent me from ever having morning sex but it sure is an irritation.
You are not alone — I experience this too! π My theory is that our ligaments are stretchier during pregnancy and we over-extend ourselves without feeling it until later. Who knows, though.
Hi M! and Elizabeth!
Thanks for coming on and sharing! And can I just add, that I think it’s pretty cool that you can talk to your Mom about such things! π
xoxo
-raj
Elizabeth, that’s a great theory! Maybe that’s what it is.
Rajdeep, I love that I can talk to my mom about stuff. Sometimes it’s a teeeency bit awkward but she has always been very good about sharing in a way that’s helpful and not weird. She has had a lot of great wisdom to share and I appreciate it because we do seem to have a lot of similarities (even though not everything is the same!) and it’s been so helpful to ask questions that I am afraid to Google haha!
Nice job, Radjeep. I did contact your mom though and told her to read this. Just messing with ya!
Number 6 is our current favorite, and if my teens read this it will be payback for your mom.
Uh, Shannon, and I just texted your kids. So we’re even. π
hugs,
Raj
I enjoy morning sex very much (so long as I can brush teeth first) but I think our favorite is late afternoon/early evening sex! The transition from the business of work into the business of family life (think five children, dinner, cleanup, sports, homework, etc,) is a moment we like to steal for just the two of us. We still get the benefits of #4 but occasionally the activity around the house can become a distraction. On Sundays, we put in a movie for the younger children and enjoy each other before falling into a lovely, snuggly nap. Sundays are the best!
Hi Missy!
I lol’d when I read about the “movie” momentsβ¦ we used to pop in the 30 minute Veggie Tales vids. Just long enough to catch a mid afternoon snack.
And I’m with you on the brushing your teeth if he wants to kiss me on the mouth! π
xoxo
-Raj
Interesting article. The morning does get around that issue of one spouse or the other being “too tired” for sex. Being post child rearing, we enjoy afternoon lovemaking. But, whatever time of day works for married couples, it is all good.
Hi Larry,
I second that. Making time for each other is the key!
best,
Raj
Raj! So excited to see you here! Great stuff π
Hey Amy!
Thanks for the shout-out! I know you’re knee deep in babies and toddlers, so store this one away for when your kids get a little older! Or maybe they’re great sleepers. π
hugs,
Raj
My husband and I call this “The Breakfast of Champions”!!
Okay, I totally shared that with my hubby, Shannon!!
He just smiled.
Yep.
I think we agree!
xoxo
-Raj
Great post! Hubby and I are not yet at the kids stage but lately we have both been working long hours which makes it harder to find the energy – him especially. So or a couple of weeks we were just waiting for weekends! However, we recently discovrred something that works for us. He is a morning person and I am a night owl who loves to read for 30-60 minutes in bed before going to sleep. By this time I am nice and relaxed – and he has had a good solid power nap. I snuggle up to him, he generally wakes up, and it just escalates from there! Works for us!
Ha. This is something we do too!
Thanks for coming on and sharing one more idea for the pot, Gemma!
best,
Raj
We still have all young children, and a baby in our bed, so morning sex is not something we really do. Plus, neither of us are morning people and the only ones waking refreshed are the kids. Night time sex though is great for us. As 2 night owls, that’s when we have the most energy and can really get in the mood.
Happy to hear you’re still making time for each other, Ashley.
Because those years with little ones can really exhaust a couple many a day. And night.
hugs,
Raj
I am not really in the season for morning sex- 2 little ones who are EARLY risers and a baby that I am still up with at night….. but I know our day will come. BUT that being said I am still NOT a fan of morning sex- the idea sounds awful to me! Morning breath, you’re all groggy, a bit stinky, sweaty…… So what am I missing??? Give it to me straight friends! Are people showering first? Brushing teeth? Or is that just part of the deal I need to accept? I would have to have a no kiss rule otherwise and that is no fun!
I love morning sex for a lot of reasons. I often wake up… ahem… in the mood (post-nap sex is good for me for the same reason), and on weekends I always feel so rested and energized. Alexis, I have awful morning breath so it just depends on the day for us! I just usually try not to breathe in my husband’s face. π And in terms of being stinky and sweaty, well, sex involves getting more sweaty anyway, so I like being able to just hop right in the shower after! (Especially if it’s with my husband. Then the fun just continues! π )
If morning breath is a problem, just quick get a drink of water and brush your teeth first.
One reason I love morning sex is that it means my husband finds me attractive and desirable even first thing in the morning, with bed-head and all. Plus it is the BEST way to start a day, ever. π
Oops. Just realized that I replied to Jamie, instead of Alexis on that last comment.
And I second most of what you said, Jamie, but like I said in the other comment, a few quick hygiene minutes makes it all the more enjoyable, so whatever works for each couple makes sense.
Hugs,
raj
Love the honest questions here, Jamie.
And yes, I am all for hygiene so we do brush our teeth or rinse with mouthwash in the very least (because I want to kiss too,) and I do quickly shower, because that’s important to us. I didn’t go into all the details in the post b/c it was more of a fun post focused on motivation and communication, not necessarily methods. π
hugs,
Raj
Hubby and I struggle so much finding time WHEN we can! He works nights and I work days, evenings when I come home he has just woken up and is in sleepy mode (he takes a while fully awake) and then it’s time to make dinner and he goes to work. It seems to bother me more than it does him… But we struggle for time!! I think it just isn’t a priority and we are so young in our marriage, I worry about this a lot, he doesn’t like articles shoved in his face…He says we need to learn each other on our own but how can we if we are hardly ever “learning”?!
Ps he has also gained some weight and is more self conscious about himself in the bedroom and that isn’t helping anything either!
Advice for opposite shift work is appreciated!
Thanks!
My problem is that I am the one who works while he stays at home due to a disability. I work nights – 10 pm-6 am 5 nights a week and 6 pm-6 am one night a week. I come home (around 6:30 am, unless I do grocery shopping on my way home from work), walk the dog, fix breakfast if hubby feels like eating, do a few chores then head to bed ( around 9-10 am). On regular nights I am up between 5-6 pm, walk & feed the dog, start dinner, do a few more chores, watch a little tv, then get ready for work at 8:30, fix a snack for work, fill water bottles to take with me, if there is time watch a half hour show, then leave for work at 9:30. On my only day off, I come home, try to stay up until noon, go to bed, up around 6 pm, then try to stay up until 6-7 am, go to bed, then get up at 3 pm to start that irregular day, walk & feed the dog, fix dinner for hubby, then get ready for work at 4:30 pm, to leave for work at 5:30 pm.
My husband sleeps while I am at work, so on my day off, he is tired when I am full from dinner and ready to start chores. He has actually fallen asleep at times while I have been giving him a handjob.