John Gottman says there are only two things you need to do to have a successful marriage.
It’s Wednesday, the day we always talk marriage! Today I want to talk about what makes a successful marriage, and according to John Gottman, it’s pretty simple. It’s all in your attitude.
Let me tell you the story of two women that I know.
One lady, we’ll call her Maude, is a senior. She hangs out with a lot of other senior ladies doing a particular hobby, which I can’t mention because my hometown will know who I’m talking about. 🙂 She’s a riot, but every time she talks about her husband Gerry she complains about him. When the kids were little she could never leave him alone with them. He’s lazy. He doesn’t know how to cook. He forgets birthdays. He’s just a big kid himself.
I didn’t have a very high opinion of Gerry until one day he walked in and I actually met him. I was expecting a gruff, angry man. Instead I met a teddy bear whose eyes twinkled as he joked with everybody else there. But when he looked at Maude, his eyes grew almost dead. She picked at him, and he turned away. He was a great guy–but she didn’t see it.
Then there’s a university friend I’ll call Elaine. She and her husband Todd are complete opposites–they’ve done the Myers Briggs personality test and she’s an ISFP and he’s an ENTJ. He’s never held a job for more than 3 years, because he’s always trying new entrepreneurial ventures–most of which succeed. He’s got several businesses on the go now, but life is hectic. And his hobbies? They’re hectic, too. She’d like to sit and be quiet but he wants adventure. She thrives on stability; he thrives on every new thing.
And when she talks about him she may tease him, but she does it while touching his arm. She smiles when she looks at him. She’s impressed by his many different ideas. And she’s always saying nice things about him to other people.
John Gottman, who has been studying the “Science of Marriage” for several decades, would call Elaine a Marriage Master and Maude a Marriage Disaster. And the difference between the two is often not huge. It’s in two little things, according to a new study.
In a Successful Marriage People Scan for Successes
Contempt is the number one thing that drives people apart. Contempt says, “you aren’t doing this right and you never will.” Contempt judges and leaves people in the dust. Maude and Gerry were still technically married, but they hadn’t been happy in decades.
And contempt means that you notice failures, not successes. What’s the point in noticing a success? Sure, he may have said that one particular thing nicely, but that doesn’t count if he never remembers my birthday and works so hard that he’s rarely here. He may have put the kids in bed tonight so I can have some time to myself but that doesn’t count because he worked last Saturday and left me with all the kids and he’s always doing that. You see yourself as the martyr and him as the bad one, and no matter what he does, you don’t give him credit, because he can never dig himself out of the hole he’s in.
Suggestion: For one week, thank him every chance you get for every nice thing he does. Don’t ask whether he deserves it. Don’t think, “if I thank him for this he’ll think he’s off the hook about that.” Just do it.
Why? Because when you have to thank him, you have to look for things that he does that are good. When you look for them, you see them. You think about him. And you end up thinking of him in a new way.
In a Successful Marriage People Turn Towards Each Other
Your husband walks in the door and yells, “Hi! I’m home!” What do you do? Do you get up and give him a kiss, or do you ignore him and keep cooking dinner? Your husband says, “I saw a woman today who looks just like this girl I used to live beside when I was little. You don’t think it could be her, do you?” Do you reply,
- How would I know?
- Don’t be silly. You grew up across the country from here.
- Neat! Who was the girl you grew up with?
- You never know. Remember when we met my old Math teacher at the Grand Canyon?
When the husband walked in the door and called out, that was a “bid” for connection, Gottman says. When he began that conversation about the woman he recognized, it was another bid. In successful marriages, people scan for these “bids”, and when they happen, they move towards each other. Either literally–as in going to the door and hugging him–or in conversation–as with the last two replies, rather than the first two replies. They don’t cut someone off, they continue.
Suggestion: For one week, really listen to everything your husband says. Continue conversations and pay attention.
Why: You show your husband you value him. And as you talk, you do grow closer.
Need More Help to Feel Close?
If you’re struggling to feel close to your husband, maybe all it takes is a few small changes–like John Gottman found.
That’s what my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is all about.
Small changes. Tiny changes. That make all the difference!
It’s not about learning to be nicer. It’s about learning to be good, and figuring out what that looks like in your particular relationship. And when you find that out–things will get better! Learn to think differently. And you’ll have a different marriage!
That’s it–just two things that can change the whole dynamic of your marriage.
I think women sometimes get in this mindset that says something like, “my marriage isn’t great and it never will be because my husband just doesn’t get it”, and then they give up trying. They relate to their husbands like the husbands are simply always wrong. They put all of their efforts into their kids, or into their jobs, or into their ministries. And even if everyone else can see that they’re married to a great guy, they can’t see it themselves. They gave up a long time ago, and sigh about him all the time.
And most people who are like this won’t even realize that this blog post is about them.
If you believe that your husband just doesn’t get it, and that you are destined to have a lousy marriage, I’m talking to you. If you believe that your husband is hopeless when it comes to the kids or any kind of personal interaction, I’m talking to you. If you believe that your husband mostly makes you miserable, I’m talking to you. If you believe that your job is to put up with your husband for the rest of your life, but that you’ll never be happy, I’m talking to you.
You are scanning for mistakes. Stop it. Your husband isn’t the only reason your marriage is distant–you’ve decided to make that distance bigger! Start scanning for successes and thank him for them and mention them immediately.
And stop pulling away from him. When he says something that could bring you closer, pull in closer. Pay attention.
Do you realize how small these two things are? Like Shaunti Feldhahn found, the key to successful marriages tends to be in the small things, like saying thank you to your husband.
No, they don’t solve all marriage problems. But what they do do is lower the tension in your marriage so that you’re relaxed around each other because you have goodwill. And if you’re relaxed and feel positively, you can talk about those bigger issues and deal with them so much more effectively.
Many good, Christian women show their husbands contempt (and many husbands show their wives contempt; I understand that, it’s just that I’m writing to women on this blog). That’s not doing your kids any favours. Show your husband love instead!
I’m perhaps more passionate about this today because I’ve seen it in several marriages close to me lately, and that’s why I’ve been going on and on about it. But it’s so important: scan for success. Pull closer. Say nice things. Don’t overanalyze it. Don’t wonder if he deserves it. Don’t worry that it will make him think he gets off scot free. Just do it. Please. And see what happens.
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up the URL of a marriage post in the linky below!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I love Gottman’s research, Sheila. And I just recorded a video on something along this line–how changing my focus from a negative to a positive with my husband changed the way I viewed him (and he didn’t do a single thing differently!). Thanks for this very informative post and for hosting us today, my friend. I still plan to send you a post I’ve written soon. I just have a backlog of stuff in front of that task. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about! Hugs to you!
I do know what you’re talking about! I’d love to see that video. Send it to me when you have a chance!
Excellent! This is so true. And those men being picked on, although it may no longer be uncomfortable for them because they are used to it, it is uncomfortable for the rest of us to watch it happen. It’s amazing how much our opinion of our husbands actually shapes who they and can be.
YES YES YES!!! It is so uncomfortable to witness other women being mean to their husbands–especially when they don’t realize they’re doing it.
Yes! I can attest to these to points being pillars of a strong solid marriage. My husband and I have our days and moments when we are “at each other.” but they are far outweighed by us being for each other and being grateful for each other.
Thanks for another great post and for hosting this link up!
You’re welcome, Stephanie!
What do you do when you really don’t like your spouse anymore and cannot “see” anything to praise?
That’s tough. But I’d look for it. Sometimes when you deliberately look you do see things–thanks for going to work for our family today, you look nice in those pants, etc. And at the same time, try not to criticize for a week. When you don’t let yourself say anything bad, sometimes you stop noticing the bad stuff as much and you start seeing the things to praise.
I will give it a try.
So true, Sheila. I know that my wife is God’s gift to me. She has health issues which mean she cannot drive and so it falls to me, in our retirment years, to take her wherever she needs to go. What joy! That means that I spend time with the woman I love. Whenever we do part I always make sure that my last words are ‘I love you’ and she does the same. Sometimes my wife gets a bit down and she will say disparaging things about herself. I simply tell her that I love her and will she please stop crticising my wife! Of course we do not always see eye to eye, no one ever does, but we spend far more time building each other up. Married almost 40 years I can say that our marriage just keeps getting better. We both thank God every day for our marriage.
That’s beautiful!
This sounds like a great idea. But what do you do when it’s flipped around and I’m not seeing the negative things he does, but all the ones I’m doing? My husband is awesome. He has his things to work on but I really have nothing to complain about. I, on the other hand, regularly take him for granted and am very self absorbed and don’t even realize it half the time until I’ve hurt him so much that he withdraws and then I realize I’ve only thought about myself for quite a while. Any tips for me on how to change myself so I can appreciate the things my husband does for us and make him feel loved and appreciated?
Hi M, that’s a great question! I think you’ve already 90% solved your problem, though, because you realize you do have a problem. That’s great! And admitting that to your husband goes a long way, too. One thing that I’ve done is make my own “triggers”–things that I know will happen that will remind me “now’s the time to think about my husband and say something nice to him.” One of my triggers is a door. Whenever I hear a door open (like him coming in the front door) I go to the door and greet him. If I hear a door closing in the house (like my teenage daughter going into her room) I get up and see what my husband is doing. If I hear the fridge door open, I get up and see if we can have a snack or drink together.
The “door” sound–whatever door it is–helps remind me to get out of myself.
You could try something similar–whenever you hear a door, or see a particular picture on the wall, or something, that can be your trigger “it’s time to do something or say something to my hubby now”. Maybe that will help?
Hi M – I was glad to read your comment because I feel the same way! I have an awesome husband and I get so caught up in myself and my own little world that I don’t appreciate him anymore or think about him. Sheila – I love your tip to associate something with thinking about him. We have our first small child and it has been a big adjustment time, but I think I just get so distracted with and focused on what *I* need to do that I don’t think about him. I’m really wanting to change but feel like there is so much I need to change!
I love John Gottman’s research! I attend a Christian university and my counseling professor always says that Gottman’s research helps him the most in his marriage counseling. He even said that what he learned in his counseling program at school didn’t work! He was getting really frustrated until he found Gottman.
Sadly, churches don’t see a lot of this new research. A lot of them still teach active listening (you’re empathetic and understanding when your partner is complaining about something you do), but Gottman’s research said that active listening doesn’t work. Praising your partner, accepting your partner’s bids, and being committed to being your partners best friend is what makes a marriage work!
Interesting, Meg. I’ll look more into that!
Hi, Thank you sheila for the articles. They are very helpful to me especially now that I’ve lost my job and going through challenges in my marriage. Continue the good work.
I completely agree with you. It is so easy to nag on the things our spouse does that is wrong or we don’t like. Thanks for giving the reminder that I should thank my husband for all he does. I think he is a pretty special guy, but I don’t want him to forget it either.
I love the Gottmans’ research!! I tend to “harp” on flaws and their most recent study really convicted me. I’ve noticed a direct correlation between when I’m hard on myself and hard on others. Sometimes if we are perfectionists and are overly critical of ourselves, that’s our “paradigm” for talking to other people too. This morning was one of those moments…I was rushing out the door for work, stumbling over baby toys, nervous about a business meeting later and realizing we were out of milk and I had nothing up offer a friend who was coming to visit later. I criticized myself profusely while getting ready, but ultimately criticized my husband for not packing the diaper bag correctly (when it turns out I was so sleep-deprived that I hadn’t even ASKED him to pack it!). Obviously this spat was a bad start to the day, and it might have been circumvented had I not been shaming myself all morning and then being overly critical of my husband. Thankfully I apologized and we worked it out! You article came at a good time 🙂
I so agree with what you are saying. But how do you compliment a spouse who does NOTHING but play games on the computer all evening. He has multiple addiction issues, does not help with any responsibilities at home and is very lazy (there I go with finding the negative again…sheesh!) . I agree that thinking positive will help and to continue the conversation….I have found that I do not do that at all…I am the one who says “How would I know?”. So thank you for this post. It was meant for me today and I will do my best to try to do your 2 suggestions, without waiting for the reciprocity either…that’s a hard task. Thank you Sheila….I await the end of the week to see how my marriage has improved.
I know it’s hard, but you go, girl! I’ve often found that if there’s one area a spouse really needs to improve (let’s say getting off of the video games and doing more around the house), it’s easier to talk about that and to do something about it if you’re being positive in other areas of his life. I know that’s tough, though.
thank you for these pointers! honestly, i know they are important, & i really struggle, so i needed the reminder to be intentional w/ my scans for positives esp. however, i would like to know what advice you have to keep from over-analyzing when this is your nature?
Some very challenging truths, ones I plan to work on, with the Lord’s help.
That said may I say that being a nice guy doesn’t equal being a good husband. I look around and see a neighbor barely hanging on in a controlling, demanding, abusive marriage, whose husband is outwardly a very friendly nice guy. Another friend’s husband is a willing help to anyone in need (moving, house project) but is distant and help at home comes begrudgingly. Although no one would know, my husband who is known as a gentle giant and all around nice guy, has caused hurt that has caused us all to go into counseling. I could speak of so many more. Outward & public appearances are not always what goes on at home.
Very, very true, K.
Hey Sheila,
What about when the shoe is on the other foot. My husband reads this blog everyday also. Some days I think thank you Jesus maybe this will be a little nudge I will not be responsible for. My husband is an amazing man, very kind, very secure, very stable, he loves the Lord and strives to follow in Christ’s steps. Sometimes I think of these things and wonder what there is to be unhappy about. We are on opposite ends of the spectrum on everything but we know God does not make mistakes. We have been married closer to our 50th then our 25th anniversary. We still struggle with understanding one another. I “feel” like he comments on every thing I don’t do, rarely on things I do get done or do right. There’s always talk about women with holding sex, but what about when your spouse with holds kindness. I feel like I can’t really explain this fully because he reads all the comments also. Just wondering.
Hi,
Please be careful with the outward appearance of Maudes husband. My husband is the sweetest ever to everyone and for 26 years would not have a problem with coming home and ignoring me and the kids. No helping around the house. Gladly taking any dollar I made and seemingly being the exemplary Christian to everyone. It saddens me so that the counsellors would believe everything my outwardly sweet husband would say and I would be tossed under the bus as the disrespectful one. He was the disrespectful one by yelling at us and ignoring us and financially making large decisions without me. Please, please don’t think these guys are the same person in and outside the home. You would have thought my husband a prince too. Not until I was at the point of suicide was my husband willing to change. Not until I respected myself and took charge of the money I made did he stop yelling and start serving. Us gals can serve and give too much. Until we show we respect ourselves do we get respect in return….. Maybe. Please don’t always think the wife is disrespectful. Until I came to the end of giving every ounce I had and then some did I reverse my thinking and realized that he was very disrespectful. He was raised to use those in his family and to get his love and attention from those outside the family. Lying for him is a habit. I just wasn’t able to see any of it exactly other than to know things were not right. Please don’t throw us girls under the bus for being disrespectful. I can honestly say that what got me the most respect was getting my own checking account and not letting him have access. When he could use me in every way possible… To clean, cook, take care of the kids, have every dime I made then there was nothing to respect. I now have a husband who doesn’t yell, spends time with me, and will listen to me. He still does not pay much attention to his boys. He had/has some twisted logic.
Thanks.
That’s a fair point. There are, unfortunately, narcissists and others with emotional issues who must be dealt with firmly. It appears that in your situation, you have found ways to be assertive in a constructive way and changed your relationship, which is not at all the same as a person who doesn’t actually change anything but constantly complains about the situation they are in.
And Sheila mentioned, briefly, that her advice really applies to both spouses. It’s just that her primary audience is women. Men, if all you see is fault in your wife, then this applies to you, too. If we all choose to bless and honor one another, an awful lot of marriages would be healed.
Thanks for sharing this. I’m really struggling in a new marriage. I love my husband more than I could ever have imagined loving another human being. But he does things without thinking how it will effect me… One of those happened last night and I’m trying my hardest to extend Grace as God has shown me. We are having a hard time figuring out how to be married. I think I will start reading more posts on your blog to see what else I can do to change me to make things better. Any Bible studies or books you can recommend to help us out?
How can I tactfully share this with my MIL? I love her dearly, she’s so caring and thoughtful and helpful, but whenever she speaks about her husband, it’s usually something critical or slightly demeaning. I hate for my daughters to hear that, whether said in joking or not. I can understand what she’s talking about — my husband is just like his father. Fortunately, God has blessed me with a laid-back personality and a wonderful mom who taught me to honor my husband, so I’ve mostly been able to hold my tongue and change my attitude about things that could really drive me crazy. But how can I encourage her to look only for the great things he does do? Like putting up with her constant nagging and criticizing?! I don’t feel like it’s my place to analyze their marriage, but their influence on my daughters is huge.
Such a tough question, Teressa! We’re going through something similar in our extended family–women who often criticize and don’t even see the great things their husbands do. I think I would just speak up at the time and challenge her. When she says something demeaning, turn it around and name something good. If you do that enough times, at least she may stop talking like that in front of you!
I think maybe this article was written for me. 🙁 I try very hard to see the positive, but I’m a very negative person (by nature and nurture) and reading psychology papers as a hobby tends to keep me in an analytical “here’s what’s wrong” state of mind…
I suppose, even if I can’t shut off my internal analytics, I can at least be more deliberate about seeing the good.
When we were very early on in our relationship, my husband said something that wounded me deeply. For a long time, even though I believed I had forgiven him, I would say to myself, but that’s how he thinks of me, so that’s why we’re not connecting. And it would rewound. And rewound. It wasn’t until recently that it became super obvious to me that I had NOT forgiven him and that I was doing what you are saying. Never letting him off the hook for these past things. I had left a void that no future things could fill. It must have been exhausting for him. When I was convicted of this, I humbled myself and came before my husband sharing how the Lord had shown me I was wrong and asked for forgiveness myself. That actually humbled my husband who was able to see me in a different light as well. Things are not perfect now, but the weight is off both of us and we are both free from the past things that were so toxic to us.
God has made a way where there seemed to be no way.