How do you show your husband he’s important when you have a new baby and you’re exhausted?
A reader asks this question:
I’m wondering what there is that I can do to makesure my husband feels looked after in the time after a baby arrives. We just welcomed our first 16 days ago and I feel bad for my husband because taking care of the baby takes so much time I feel like I have no time to take care of his needs too. Do you have any advice? I know it’s very soon after baby but I want to make sure my husband knows he’s still a priority despite how much the baby needs.
That is a challenge, isn’t it? I’d say carve out “us time” when the baby goes in the swing for half an hour, but my youngest was colicky and that wouldn’t even have been an option. So I asked Arlene Pellicane, author of Growing Up Social and 31 Days to a Happy Husband, to share her best tips for letting your husband know he still matters to you.
When our first baby came into the world ten years ago, he was like little Simba being presented in the Lion King. That exalted, tiny 7-pound lump was about to cause some serious changes to the kingdom of our home. When baby makes three, it’s extremely helpful to realize that baby is prince (or princess) but daddy is still king.
If you’re not intentional about it, your husband can become like wallpaper in your home, quietly existing while all your attention goes to your sweet baby.
Here are the TOP TEN ways to make your husband feel special after baby:
Keep gazing into his eyes.
The picture of a mom gazing into her baby’s eyes is powerful and iconic. Deep bonding happens through this eye contact. Make sure you spend time gazing into your husband’s eyes too. You don’t have to stare at him for hours, but whenever you have the chance, savor each opportunity to look into his eyes. By the way, this includes putting your phone down more often and looking him in the eyes when talking.
Oxytocin is for him too.
Oxytocin is the bonding hormone – if you’re breast feeding, oxytocin is produced so you feel close to your baby. When you kiss or hug your baby, your oxytocin level goes up and you like your baby more. Guess what? Oxytocin is necessary for you and your husband too! Don’t forget to kiss, hug, and make love (once you’re physically able to again) to your man. It will make you like him more and vice versa.
Kiss everyday for 5 seconds.
In my book, 31 Days to a Happy Husband, I interviewed sex therapists Dr. Cliff and Joyce Penner who suggested a daily 5 – 30 second kiss. Since you have a baby, I’m making the assignment easier: 5 seconds will do! Let your husband know that this daily kiss is not the “GO!” signal. It’s just a way that you want to stay close and keep the pilot light lit between you. These 5 seconds will speak volumes to your husband. Just 5 seconds will let him know you still find him desirable and you care about him.
Bring on the babysitter.
Whether it’s a grandparent or a trusted teenager, hire a babysitter so you can go out. Sometimes mothers are afraid to leave their precious baby, but trust me on this one. As long as your baby is being watched responsibly, your baby will not remember that you went on a 3-hour date when he or she was 6 months old. (But your husband will).
Skip the donut.
I had three babies and two miscarriages in my 30s. My weight went up of course with each pregnancy, and it meant a lot to my husband when he saw me trying to lose that baby weight. Men are wired to be visually stimulated so don’t be mad at your husband if he would love to see your “before pregnancy” body back. Obviously your body changes through the years. But when you skip the donut and grab the apple instead, it communicates you are doing your best to by physically healthy which means a lot to your husband.
Plan for sex.
Exhausted and sleep deprived, you may not want to have spontaneous sex for a very long time! But when your body is able, plan for romance and put it on the calendar. Dr. David Clarke says parents who don’t schedule their sex, don’t have sex. I agree! You’ve got to make room in your calendar for what’s most important to your marriage and lovemaking falls into that category.
When baby naps, you nap.
It’s hard to be a caring wife, let alone an amorous one, when you are so sleepy and tired. When your baby takes a nap, leave the laundry alone. Fall off the planet with social media. Don’t watch TV. Take a nap instead. The more you can snatch pockets of time to catch up on your zzz’s, the nicer you will be to your husband and everyone else.
Connect with other positive moms.
You need time with adults who are not burping, drooling, or needing to be changed. This way you’re not expecting your husband to meet every conversational need in your life. Join MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) or other mom group that will connect you to positive moms. Or you can have a weekly playdate with a friend who has a child similar in age. Just make sure that the moms you hang out with are positive. Avoid moms who constantly complain about their spouses and their kids. Complaining is contagious and that’s a virus you don’t want to catch.
Pray for your spouse.
My friend Sharon Jaynes has a wonderful book, Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe. It’s easy to use, giving you Scriptures to pray over your man to protect and bless him. As you bring your husband to God in prayer, he will feel your prayers and love. And your heart will turn towards your husband. When you’re praying for your husband, it’s hard to be irritated or callous toward him.
Respect his opinion.
Yes, you may know more about how the baby should be burped and when she was last changed, but when your husband has something to say about parenting, listen to him. Continue to show him respect in your marriage, especially in this new role of child rearing. So many men feel inept as fathers because their wives make them feel foolish. Instead view parenting as a team sport, where both husband and wife have something valuable to offer.
Okay…which way are you going to practice today to make your hubby feel special? After all, it’s awfully hard to compete with a 7-pound lump of cuteness and perfection!
Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World (co-authored with Gary Chapman), 31 Days to a Happy Husband, and 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife.
Arlene has been featured on the Today Show, Fox & Friends, Focus on the Family, Family Life Today, The Better Show, The 700 Club, Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah, and TLC’s Home Made Simple.
She and her husband James live in San Diego with their three children. You can learn more about her ministry at www.ArlenePellicane.com
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Some good ideas there.
Other things that I found helpful were:
1. Have dad spend time with the baby too.
Other than nursing, he was able to do anything, and I gave him the chance to be with the baby as much as possible when he was home. Men also get a surge of oxytocin from playing with babies.
2. Show appreciation
Make a point of saying thank you when he helps. I’d also tell him how much I loved seeing him with the baby and how it made me love him even more.
3. Try to work in activities with the baby
We lived downtown and our families were in the burbs when baby #1 was born, and it was hard to get babysitters. So, we made an effort to go out and have fun even with the baby in tow. This doesn’t work for all babies (some really need to be on a set schedule and demand their own crib), but if you can make it work, you won’t be tied to the house. Simple things like exploring the city, going to street festivals, being with friends, and going on some date nights (with baby sleeping in the stroller) were important to us. Eventually, we also traveled with babies (again – not all babies will adjust well, we just happened to have babies that resisted schedules at home but didn’t mind being on the road).
4. Pump a bottle each day.
If dad can do one feed a day, that gives him extra fun bonding time with baby, and you a chance to nap, exercise and/or shower. You’ll be a better wife when you feel refreshed and human again.
These are great ideas!
I think, also, let him be involved. Esp in the good moments. “Will you hold baby?” And there is this thing we call ‘Daddy Magic’: baby and I would reach a point of frantic emotional feedback loop that we couldn’t break out of (esp right about that 4 to 6 weeks when the baby hits the first major growth spurt). Hubby would take Little Man, and that Little Man just feel right asleep on Daddy Man’s chest. Not all Husbands will be up for that, but when you are at your end (and you will be!), ask him for help. “Babe, I need 10 minutes to collect my emotions. Could you rock baby for those 10 minutes? I know it will be hard, and I think 10 minutes will get me back to a place where I can be more effective.” (and be back in 10 minutes… no pushing that time promise) And your man might find he has Daddy-Magic, too!
Great advice, Rachael!
This may be unpopular advice, but the single best thing I ever did to help my family adjust to a new baby is this:
Put yourself last.
I realize that sounds bad, so let me explain — essentially, take care of other’s emotional needs *first,* *before* they reach critical mass. Example — spend some time singing to your baby, feed her, change her diaper, play with her a bit, and then put her down (she will learn to enjoy playing for a few minutes un-held after a couple tries). Then move to the next person (for me it’s my 2 year old daughter). Read her a book, ask her to run an errand with you, teach her something new, etc., and be sure to include plenty of snuggles (surreptitious snuggles are easiest for my 2 year old to accept!). Then your husband — for mine, he likes it when I bring him something to drink or ask him to do something specific with me that night (watch a particular TV show, play a game, read a book, etc.). Make sure they all know they are loved in whatever way is good for them.
And then guess what! They will leave you alone for a few minutes if you need it. It’s amazing what even 20 minutes does for you. 🙂
I also meant to say that it’s not really feasible to meet a newborn’s needs before they reach critical mass just because that happens, like, instantly. 🙂 But if you try to do it anyway, soon enough it will just happen without you really noticing the transition!
I’m the one who sent this in. Thank you for such an awesome response. I will have to include some of these into our routine. We have been on a date without the baby and it was really wonderful.
Great suggestions. Yes to the dates! After a traumatic birth, my husband and I took a date to the cafe across the street from the hospital while our daughter was still in the NICU. I ate a tuna sandwich. I think it was a 45 minute date, 3 days after she was born, and it was one of the best dates we’ve ever had. Just time to look into each others’ eyes and say, “Oh hey, you’re a parent now!”
My husband was also an equal partner from the beginning, even though I had MUCH more expertise with babies (I was the director of a nursery and children’s program at my church and also nannied for 10 years). It wasn’t “can you help me for 5 minutes?” but “oh, baby’s awake. Whose turn is it now?” Equality is hard to find in marriages. . .while understandably there is more of a physical burden on the mother (especially if she is nursing), raising a child takes two. And both parents should find ways to make the other feel important.
Also, Oxytocin goes straight from the baby to the dad as well. Babies release pheromones through the top of their head that stimulate oxytocin production in the parents. So I second the comment above—-make sure dad gets plenty of skin-to-skin too 🙂
I don’t even know where to start with this. I have never seen an article about how a man should make his wife feel important after the baby arrives. It is just assumed that she forfeits every one of the needs she has when the baby is born, but his needs need to be especially catered to. If a woman is sharing child care responsibilities for a newborn somewhat even ballpark equally with her partner, she has plenty of time for him. And maybe even for herself. It’s when the duties are plopped 100% on her doorstep that she becomes frantically stressed without a moment of spare time. Sorry but it’s hard to want to cater to his needs when he’s spending so much time catering to his needs, too. Every woman who has had a baby has had the two or three day stretch without a shower or a sleep that lasts more than two hours. During that part of her life as a new (or not new) mom, to tell her that she needs to skip that donut and opt for an apple so as to please her spouse is just beyond ridiculous. If a couple gives up their own freedoms and takes on responsibility equally when the baby is born, they will find a happy medium when it comes to making time for each other. Because they obviously understand the concepts of respecting your partner, and want to compromise. If a person does it alone after baby comes, they’d have to be ill to also WANT to please the spouse that’s shown so little regard for their physical and emotional well being. Everyone’s preferences are different, but the bottom line is that the best way to RECEIVE is to show that you want to GIVE too.
I think a little too much was read into the post. No where in the post does the author, Arlene, suggest that a woman basically being a single parent and cater to someone who is not mindful of their wife’s wellbeing. Nowhere on this blog can I find where Shelia says this. In fact, more often than not, in direct contradiction to what my preconcieved notions of traditional marriage were, Shelia advocates for sharing the parenting load to a degree. These suggestion are not take-care-of-the-baby-all-by-yourself-then-please-your-man. On the contrary, I found them to be well-you-are-parents-now-here-are-a-few-tips-on-how-to-stay-connected. No, a woman does not forfeit every need, but neither does her husband. Here is where I have to respectfully disagree with Elizabeth (comment #3), you do not put yourself last all the time. Personally, I think that is foolish. It sets you up for emotional burnout, and putting yourself last begins to negatively affect relationships. There are times when, yes, you come last; but there are times you have to make time for yourself. And there are times you make time for your husband and marriage. Looking into your husband’s eyes or kissing for 5 seconds are such small things, things that would make a woman feel special, that you can hardly call them “not fair”. No one is advocating for the woman to do it all, that is plain silly, but the author, Arlene, is advocating taking time out for your hubby.
As for there being nothing out there about how to make a wife feel special after baby that is not true. I have seen article advocating for “push” gifts. Lists telling men to give their wives massages, encourage them to take long bubble bathes, and take their wives out on dates. One article I read suggested men change the diapers as it was a nice thing to take on the “smelly” job and was another way besides feeding to promote daddy-baby bonding.
Thank GOD someone said this. Good grief
This advice is so ridiculous. After all of the exhaustion of pregnancy, labor, lack of sleep, and breastfeeding, we are also supposed to make time to worry if our husbands are feeling neglected!? Why are we treating men like children? Surely a grown man can see what a stressful time this is for a new mother. It is a short season and a time when a new mom should not have any added guilt for eating a donut. If there is any time in a woman’s life where she should be spoiled rotten and not worried about how physically attractive she is….it is during the postpartum season. Knock it off. Women have enough to deal with. This is just gross. My husband is amazing thank goodness but it is clear some women are putting up with way more than I ever would.
I have to laugh at the “nap when baby naps” advice. My baby is the youngest of five, and I homeschool. I would get nothing done during the day if I napped when she naps.
Great timing! We are expecting our first and I was just looking around for advice like this. I wanted to check out To Love,H &V didn’t even need to do a search, lol. Thank you!
I’ave Liked Ur Advice Which Has Even Strengthen My Marriage, Me And My Wife We Ar Now Happy.Thank U