How do you tell your husband what you want in bed? It’s a scary thing, isn’t it? You have to be vulnerable and actually share something intensely personal. Here’s a letter I received from a reader:
Reader Question
Me and my man have been together for a year and a half, and we can talk about almost anything. It’s wonderful! But when it comes to needing to discuss things like sex, and telling him what I like or showing him I get so shy and nervous I get on the borderline of having a panic attack. I know now that I should tell him and ask him instead of just going along with whatever. But I’m so extremely shy about talking to him about it. A lot of little things bring me to the point of an anxiety attack, like the thought of doing it in the light, or him seeing my face with or without light or even me seeing his, (I’m also insecure about the way I react when I orgasm, I feel like I don’t react right, it’s hard to explain). How do I get over my shyness?
Now, one caveat before I try to answer the question: I’m not sure if my reader is married or not. I know many people who read this blog aren’t married, and that’s perfectly fine. But my advice is really for married women, because sex changes so much once you’re married. Good sex requires vulnerability, and that kind of vulnerability you cannot have when there is no commitment. When people are engaged sexually before marriage, they often feel more intimate than they really are, because they’ve shared their bodies.
They may not actually, however, have shared real emotional intimacy. It’s like the physical has gone 100 miles an hour, and outstripped the other. It’s hard to be truly vulnerable when you don’t have a commitment and when you haven’t shared your heart as much. That’s why God designed sex to be in marriage alone: outside of marriage it takes on a whole new meaning, and that can really distort sex.
When I wrote and did my surveys for my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found the women who had the best sex were those who had been married for over a decade, who felt the most spiritually intimate together, and who had waited until marriage to have sex.
So I’d just encourage women in this situation: back up and ask yourself what you want. If you want marriage, then don’t settle for less. And read this!
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
Okay, now let’s get back to the question at hand: how do you tell your husband what you want in bed?
Picture this scenario: your wedding night is here–all that hopeful bliss you’ve been promised your whole life. And, whether you’re a virgin or not, the earth doesn’t really move. You think to yourself, “is this all there is?” But you don’t say anything, because you don’t want to wreck your guy’s pride, after all. And then the honeymoon goes on, and the earth still doesn’t move, and you still don’t say anything because you secretly wonder if something’s wrong with you. He’s enjoying himself; why aren’t you?
Weeks go by. Then months. Maybe even years. You still find it hard to reach orgasm–or even to feel much pleasure. And you’ve never really told him, “I actually don’t like it when you touch my breasts like that. It’s too rough”, or “I really need you to pay more attention for longer to my clitoris before intercourse–but not so hard,” or “I’d actually like to try another position.” You’ve never said any of these things. And now you’re scared to, because if you do, isn’t it like saying, “we’ve been doing it wrong this whole time”?
I don’t think so, for two reasons. First, the vast majority of men honestly want to please their wives. Their pleasure is largely dependent on our pleasure. When we’re not having that much fun, they know, and it makes sex less exciting and a little disappointing to them, too. So they’d likely love some tips on how to make sex fun!
But more importantly, when you start sharing what you want, you open up to your husband. You become more sexual. And that’s sexy, in and of itself! When we’re honest, especially about something so personal, we will feel closer, and that makes sex hotter, too!
So today, on Top 10 Tuesday, I’d like to share 10 ways, from easy to more challenging, to tell him what you want in bed–and to feel more adventurous!
1. When he touches somewhere good, make sure he knows!
Moan a lot. Seriously. Say, “oh, yes, that’s wonderful”, or “right there, baby”. If you’re too shy to actually say, “I want you to do X”, then make sure that every time he comes anywhere near doing X, you moan and give him some positive reinforcement!
2. Guide his hand (or whatever else!)
Can’t say it out loud? Do a mime performance. Take his hand (or whatever else) and show him where you want to be touched. Be active! Don’t just lie there and let HIM make love to YOU; be an active participant and make things happen.
3. Be the one in control
Taking #2 a step further, if you’re the one initiating sex and running things, you can often make them go the way you want them to. So if you’re the one who starts making love, and you start rubbing against him, or climbing on top and changing things so the angle is just right, or taking his hand and showing him, that can work well, too. And then he knows more what turns you on when he sees the effect it’s having!
4. Play teacher
Decide that tonight you’re going to play “teacher”, where you instruct him for 15 minutes on what he’s doing, and he only gets his “prize” if he “passes”. This can be a fun one, because you can tell him, “not so rough”, or “slower”, or “more circles”, or whatever it may be. If you’re playing a teacher, then it is not always as intimidating. This often works well if you BOTH have a chance. You be teacher one night and he can be teacher the next night.
These scenarios where you’re the one in control are often easier for women who have sexual abuse in their background, too. It can be easier to let down your defences when you know that nothing will happen that you don’t want or haven’t asked for specifically.
5. Take lipstick and draw a treasure map where you want some attention
Want him to spend more time on foreplay and more time in certain areas? Take a lipstick and draw a treasure map on yourself. Start with 1 and work your way up to number 10, and he has to “connect the dots”, spending at LEAST a minute on each number. If you have a difficult time actually vocalizing what you want, giving him a map may make it easier!
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6. Make him stay still and “use” him
Sometimes we just don’t know what we want. We’re not sure what feels good. Using his body with the expectation that you will set the agenda can help you explore more without worrying that he’d rather just “get on with things”. So set the timer for 10 minutes, or 15 minutes, or however long you want and tell him under no circumstances is he allowed to move–or even talk. If you get nervous about what he’s thinking or that he may not respect you or that he may think foreplay is silly, then having him talk can also get your anxiety level up again. But if he’s not allowed to move or say anything and you can just use any part of him that you want, then this can be much easier (you can tell him he can move his mouth if you put something there, for instance). But this lets you explore his body and figure out what you like about it, too.
Often when we make love we rush through, and then we don’t always figure out what’s really fun. Take the time to figure out what you actually like!
7. Show him what feels good yourself
This one takes some courage, and not everyone is comfortable doing it. But the vast majority of men really do enjoy it. Show him how you want to be touched by touching yourself. I’m not talking about full-blown masturbation here, truly. It’s just that if you can show him how you want him to touch you, then he may “get” it a little bit better.
Okay, those are 7 tips for helping him pay more attention to the parts of your body that want attention, in the way that it wants attention. But what if there’s more–what if you’d like to try something else, or you want to try a new position, or whatever? Read some of my posts on setting boundaries and what’s good and healthy in marriage and what’s not (you can see a bunch of posts listed under the right heading on my post with a summary of marriage advice), and then try these three things:
8. Sit in a bathtub with candlelight and talk to him about what you want sexually
If you want something but you don’t know how to tell him, here’s one way: sit in a bathtub together “spooning” so that you’re not looking at his face. Use candles so there’s no much light. Then try telling him. Don’t like the bath idea? Try in bed, in the dark, with him hugging you while you’re facing away. The three key ingredients here are: physical contact, so you feel accepted; little light, so you’re not as self-conscious; and not looking into his face so you’re not worried as much about what he’s thinking.
You can also make this easier by having him share something, too, so it’s not only you opening up.
9. Write down some new things you’d like to try
Another version of the above: Write down 3-4 things you’d like to try on small slips of paper, and have him do the same thing. Put your papers in an envelope and his in an envelope, and every few weeks one of you draws out a piece of paper and you do what it says. That way you’re each trying what the other person wants.
Again, if you have reservations about something, read what I wrote about deciding what’s okay to do in bed. You never have to do anything that you feel is degrading, sinful, or dangerous. But sometimes it’s nice to spice things up!
When we’re honest, especially about something so personal, we will feel closer, and that makes sex hotter, too!
10. Leave some lingerie somewhere he can find it–with a note
Finally, this one isn’t for the faint of heart. But if you’ve been opening up with your husband more and telling him what you’d like, you’re likely finding that he isn’t taking it as an insult. He’s probably really excited about this turn in your relationship! So add to the fun by letting him know what’s coming. Leave him notes about what you want to do tonight in bed, or, even better, hide a piece of lingerie that you haven’t worn in a while (or a new item if you have the money) somewhere where he’ll find it, along with a note. Don’t put it in a place where he’d discover it with others there–like in his briefcase. But you can put it in a pocket, in his underwear drawer, in the passenger side of his car to see when he drives off to work, etc.
I guarantee most husbands would love it if their wives opened up and did more things like this. And if #9 and #10 are too much, that’s okay. Start with #1 and #2, and move you way down as you get more comfortable.
It takes a while to feel comfortable in our own skin with our husbands. For some of us it takes years! But the more honest we can be, the more fun we’ll find sex is, and the more intimate and close we’ll feel because we’re truly revealing a precious piece of ourselves–what makes us passionate and excited.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Love all these!! Another trick that works: go to a (mostly) deserted restaurant/out for dessert and talk about your expectations. Make sure you have a table away from other people—obviously!—but this less intimate setting can help you deal with the emotional and specific issues that underly sexual needs, without letting the momentum of the physical (or the libido of your partner) cloud the issue. Sometimes my husband and I even do this when we have fights—take it to a restaurant or cafe, and that helps us to really communicate rather than getting distracted, selfish, or raising our voices. After talking about each others’ needs for a little bit, you’ll be more than ready to get home and try it out!
That would be totally fun, too! And I agree–going somewhere else is often an easier way to have a really in-depth talk.
Thank you Sheila. I am so glad you share these tips. I have had a difficult past with sex and it has affected my marriage. I am so grateful for your advice because my husband is against talking to a therapist.
You’re so welcome, Lola. Glad I could help!
I think you hit the nail on the head with this:
Almost all husbands want to please their wife sexually. The sooner you talk about it the better. A wife can always explain that she hasn’t spoken up before because she is only now learning what she likes and figuring out how to describe it.
Candlelight works really well – enough light so you’re not stumbling in the dark, but not so much that you feel exposed. And everything looks better in candlelight too! Husband here has gotten in the habit of lighting candles when we’re going to be intimate.
The more you talk, the more comfortable you will get at talking about sex. Honestly, it has taken me a number I years to get comfortable talking to my husband about it, but it gets a little easier each time.
I’ve thought about the treasure map idea, only more as an “instruction manual” written in various places with an eyeliner or lip liner pencil – will definitely have to try it now! 🙂
This is superb
so timely for my situation. found out just a few weeks ago that my husband of 25 years has been cheating thru that awful website Ashely Madison. I had not idea !
I have tried most of the things suggested in this post over the years…. when he asked me to talk about what I wanted in bed, I had a tough time at first. But I wanted to enjoy the sex more. He’s a tad on the rough side and likes some things a bit harder than I do. I would softly say things like ‘not so fast, or gently, slowly’ while he was stimulating my clitoris. he would do so for a short time, then go right back to rubbing me so hard and fast that it HURT. I’d ask him to slowly lick my nipples instead of biting them because it gave me more pleasure and he’d sometimes bite just a bit too hard. He liked it when i bit his nipples, but i didn’t. again, he’d respond for a little bit, then go right back to his routine.
He is the only man I have ever had a vaginal orgasm with….. and I was 30 when we met ! I had no idea what I’d been missing all those years ! It was incredible and of course, I wanted that every time. Of course, that didn’t happen every time. Now that we are in a serious crisis in our marriage and he’s been griping about all those times i talked to him about what i wanted, saying that I was complaining ! He even told me one time, while I was on top, going for multiple orgasms, to not be selfish.
Im well into menopause and goiing thru all those challenges too. sex hurts, alot. dryn ess….not sexy. I just try to get thru it or avoid it all together. we have not had sex for many months and our intimacy has struggled for years. I know that I am partially to blame for our problems; I realized this past few weeks that i have been withholding sex as punishment for many many hurts over the years.
We are scheduled for our first marriage counseling session in 2 weeks. your site has been a Godsend
I agree, a lot of women have a really hard time talking about sex. If a woman isn’t comfortable talking about sex, then it is almost impossible she will tell her man what she needs in bed. I really like that you said for a woman to use her man. That is something I think we have a hard time with. Tell our husbands to stop what they are doing and move in a way that makes us feel good. It took me a long time to be ok with helping my husband work with me and not against me. I would move one way so it would feel good, and he would do something that made it stop. It took a long time to feel like I had the confidence to tell him what I wanted.
I’m so thankful wd yo advice madam
I can’t speak for all men but most would love their wives to let them know what they want. My only advice that may be new is to chose your words wisely. Heather and I were recently having some fun. I was down south nibbling on her goodies. I must have done something a little too hard. She jumped a little and said, “be nice”. This was the 2nd time she had said within a few weeks.
I was a bit bothered at her choice of words the first time but the second time it bothered me enough to stop what I was doing to ask her, “what am I doing that’s mean?” Totally killed the mood.
When we talked about it, she realized she should have been more directive than punitive in her approach. A simple, “softer”, or “not so hard” would have been better.
We men are out to please you, ladies. Take full advantage of us.
Yes, I’m guilty. 🙂 Choosing the right words is important. I didn’t want him to stop.
What if you do tell him but he never listens and/or gets mad and says I’m barking orders and just let him do what he wants. For 15 years.
Then you are married to an inconsiderate controller who does not respect you or care for your needs
I find that too, he’s doing something that feels good and if he continues doing it I could probably reach orgasm, so I say something like “keep doing that”, “that feels so good” etc, and he does it for 30 more seconds and then switches to something else. It’s frustrating because you feel the momentum building and then they stop and you lose it. That’s why it can take so long to orgasm, if you even do. At that point you need consistency.
Would love it if my wife of 40 yrs. would give me instruction. But since we only have sec 4 to 5 times per year, the opportunities are limited. Is it me or menopause. I’m still wanting 4 or 5 times per week. As they say, use it or lose it. I’ve almost lost it- sad. She’s still the sexiest woman I know & cherish.
I can only say what I am working toward my husband accomplishing. We’ve been married 44 years. Menopause causes a women to be a bit like warming up an iron its a slow process not a microwave. I’ve noticed he wants to go staight to z frequently skipping a-y … A-y is very important to menopausal women. Kiss the back of her neck working your way around to the sensitive spot just under the ear. If you feel a shiver or she moves her neck to give you better access your on the right track. Sensitive spots for kisses palms of the hand, instep of the foot, near the spine, inside of knee. These are all kindling to build the fire. Don’t forget her lips!!!! Tell her how soft her skin is, how good she smells. These may be things you are thinking ….say them in her ear. Including things like your kast sentence. Words matter.
Anyone got any tips for those of us who are so cripplingly shy that even these suggestions are formidable to the point of impossibility? (Open up emotionally, I know. Just… how? I’ve never had *anyone* to open up to before and don’t know how!) I know he wants to please me, he used to ask constantly but after only getting variations of “Don’t worry about me, you’re more important” and “I don’t know,” he’s starting to ask less and whistle in the dark more. I just can’t get the courage up to get past #1…
Brievel, sometimes writing things down can help. Talking in the dark? But I think getting you to the point that you feel safe is important. Even just learning how to lie down and have him cuddle you can help.
If you cannot “tell” you wife how how feel can you wrote her a letter or a note telling her how you feel? I LOVE getting a letter or a card from my husband. Hallmark makes some good romantic ones and then all you have to do is write a few sentences about why you married her, why you love her or why you choose her for your wife. I just bet she will love that!
You are right on! My husband and I have been married for 22 years. Our sex life was very active and very pleasurable when we were first together and then, sadly, we let other things get in the way. Many years went by and as he aged he began having ED and we had NO sex…none…nada. It turns out he was afraid he could not perform so he totally withdrew from me. Then we found out that his physical issue was due to a neurological problems (he is 73) and really not in his control. All of these years I feeling hurt and very needy. While I understood this was really not his choice…but my needs were simply not being met and anger and resentment surfaced. Then I unexpectedly found myself tempted by an easily available non-conventional sexual affair but when I seriously thought it over I decided that “drive by sex” was not what I was looking for but rather it was intimacy and pleasure with my husband. After taking the time to think it through one day I decided to share all of this with him; honestly and openly. I shared what had happened, what I went through in my decision making and I explained why I did not take the other man up on his offer. I told him my truth (and even though he still has ED) what I really wanted was touching, loving and the chance to reconnect with HIM. It was then that I decided to initiate more sex and to make a “game” of giving him “lessons” on what I really wanted and amazingly he agreed to participate. (This was before I read your article!) This has worked really well for us. While it is certainly not perfect intercourse, I am much more satisfied both emotionally and physically. As we age intimacy changes as our health begins to change and often the body changes too. Your “play teacher” tip can really work! Recently he asked me when we were having our next “lesson” – it was then that I knew then that we are headed in the right direction.
And what do you do when the roles are reversed? My husband has absolutely no interest in sex anymore. We’ve been married 15 years and used to be very active. Now its maybe 3-4 times a year instead of a week or even a month! When we do have sex it’s basically by the book. He will not vary and I’ve tried lots of these tips. He just says he’s “tired”. Refuses to see a doctor and refuses to admit anything is wrong. He’s just tired…
That’s so tough, Sarah! I have a post on what to do when your husband doesn’t want to make love right here. And here’s a post for higher drive wives with lots of links, too!