The most common email I receive and comment I get on this blog is about pornography. So many of my readers are struggling with what to do if their husband watches porn. I’ve asked several experts to write some guest posts for me over the next few days to help us deal with the trauma of porn use and point our way to recovery. Today Dorothy Maryon, a clinical therapist, shares with us about the effects of discovering your husband uses porn–and how to get through it.
Most women are blindsided when they discover their husband has a pornography or sex addiction.
Many wives struggle to deal with that realization while their world comes crashing down and the bottom falls out of the marital basket they were trusting in. It can be a devastating and disorienting experience and it takes a big toll on their self-esteem.
It’s not uncommon for a wife to wonder why she wasn’t enough to keep her husband from straying outside of the marriage. That “enough” takes in almost everything from feeling not interesting enough, not loving enough, not thin enough, not sexy enough, and so on. In addition to those feelings is the compounded emotions of feeling disconnected from him and for some time now. Unfortunately, and mistakenly, many women fear they are the problem and spend a lot of time and effort trying to be the ideal spouse.
In reality the situation is very different than what many women think. His looking at porn is not about you. His interest, desire and connection should be all about his wife, not about a counterfeit. Pornography robs a wife of playing a central role in his life and she feels demeaned and replaced by an air-brushed picture on a screen.
His turning away from you to pornography exposes a lack on his part, not yours.
Most people underestimate the addictive quality of porn and by the time they recognize its compulsive and addictive underbelly it’s too late and they are trapped in a repetitive cycle of shame, compulsivity, and often betrayal.
So what can a wife do?
How does she recover a foundation for her own self-esteem and a roadmap to go forward?
Honestly, there are no easy answers but there are a few things we know about the trauma this causes wives–and how to help.
First, recognize that it is trauma.
The closer you are to someone who betrays you the more profound the trauma. Therapists call this “relational trauma” and it ranks right up there with all the other traumas. Because as human beings we are wired to connect and it is a brutal experience to have that connection betrayed. Women often report that they feel “crazy” or “not themselves” after such a discovery.
Some of the more common symptoms of relational trauma include:
• Fear and/or anxiety
• Outbursts of anger or rage
• Intrusive thoughts of the trauma
• Feelings of self-blame or responsibility
• Feelings of panic or feeling out of control
• Sadness or depression
• Feelings of detachment
• Feelings of worthlessness or being broken
• Preoccupation with body image
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Hyper-vigilance
• Feelings of helplessness
It’s normal after a betrayal to feel and act this way.
Second, don’t isolate.
Find a way to reach out. This can be a tricky place for women. Who do you tell? Many women don’t want to “expose their husbands” and so carry the burden of “the secret” as well as their own trauma. Find someone. Tell a spiritual leader, a therapist, or a 12-step group. This experience is too difficult to navigate alone.
Third, get educated.
Learn about compulsive or addictive behavior. It will help to learn about it as a disease, as a lack, as a method of self-medicating. It will help to understand how it impacts the brain. This knowledge will also help because over time you will learn that it isn’t a lack on your part. In fact your husband can still be in love with you despite the ugly issue in his life that he has kept secret and has prevented him from being fully in the relationship.
Fourth, get help.
Find a good therapist who specializes in relational trauma and compulsivity/addiction. They can help you create a roadmap for healing. Find a friend to pray with and encourage you.
Most people underestimate the addictive quality of porn and by the time they recognize its compulsive and addictive underbelly it’s too late and they are trapped in a repetitive cycle of shame, compulsivity, and often betrayal.
Fifth, learn how to take care of yourself.
Be self-compassionate. Do things that help you feel stronger or more grounded. Exercise. Pray. Find a pilates class. And above all be patient with your own process.
Sixth, learn about trauma and triggers that reactivate the trauma.
Understanding will help you be less reactive and more forgiving when you are. Many women describe the experience of being “triggered” as being on a roller coaster. One day you feel fine and somewhat normal and the next something small can trigger feelings of anger, grief, fear, and loss.
Seventh, don’t give up and don’t give in.
Healing is a journey and in this case requires the deep soul work that takes time and great compassion. Insist that he get help. In the case of sexual compulsivity or addiction being sorry is not enough. Work and help is required.
(Sheila says: I totally agree with this! I’ve always said that a man who says he is sorry but who refuses to admit his fault to anyone else is not really sorry. Real repentance is accompanied by confession and accountability. James 5:16–Confess your faults one to another, and pray one to another, that you may be healed!)
Find freedom from porn!
Your marriage, and your thought life, do not need to be held captive to pornography.
There is freedom.
Beat porn–together!
Lastly, take heart!
You may be familiar with the term post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) but not as familiar with the term post traumatic growth. Post traumatic growth are positive changes that can occur as a result of coping with a traumatic event. Women get through this. Post traumatic growth can lead you to a stronger sense of yourself as well as a deeper and richer life that comes from moving through a difficult and deepening experience.
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Dorothy Maryon, CMHC, is a licensed clinical mental health counselor who specializes in partners’ issues associated with sexual addiction in marriage. She has worked as a counselor in the LifeStar program for 15 years, focusing on addiction and relationship issues. She is in private practice and has presented at several conferences on addiction, codependency, creating safety for partners, and grief and trauma issues.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thanks. Looking forward to your next posts on this. A husband’s porn use is devastating. So hard to trust again. So hard to feel sexy again. So hard to have my brain assaulted at random points during the day, imagining what must have been watched… What I have to compete with. Have been reading “What I Wish My Mother Had Told Me About Men” that you recommended recently… It’s helped more than anything… I do place too much dependence on my husband for my happiness… And when I had my happiness based in him, and found that he was finding happiness elsewhere in porn videos… Well, I had every single symptom of relational trauma listed above:
• Fear and anxiety
• Outbursts of anger
• Intrusive thoughts of the trauma
• Feelings of self-blame and responsibility
• Feelings of panic or feeling out of control
• Sadness and depression
• Feelings of detachment
• Feelings of worthlessness and being broken
• Preoccupation with body image
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Hyper-vigilance
• Feelings of helplessness
It’s not been fun. And thanks to that book, I’m reminded that my husband is imperfect… as I am. My husband is incredible, for the record. Amazing daddy, husband, provider… Not like the sleazy, dirtbag, scum-of-the-earth, low-life guys that I have previously known that used porn. What’s WITH the nasty stuff!?!?… Why is some fake slut better than me!?! I’m real! I’ve never turned my husband down… In fact, 99% of the time, I initiate… We have a great sex life!… So why porn? WHY!?!? My husband says he’s not looked at the stuff since I found out in June… But he had a little run-in with Playboy 9 years ago… I had all the same feelings then, but recovered fairly quickly, and we moved past it… This time it’s staying pretty fresh and painful a whole lot longer. Oh to trust again.
I have been where you are for a long time. My husband has dealt with porn addictions most of his life. I’ve walked a long road with this. It is really important that you understand that he does not look at porn because he doesn’t like the way you look. He doesn’t look at those images because he isn’t happy with your sex life. He does it because it is an addiction. The same reason someone who wants to quit smoking cigarettes or an alcoholic that wants to stop drinking does it anyways. I know it feels personal to you, but it isn’t. It is a sin that has a hold on his life. You will learn to trust him again.
I am the person that is questioning myself is there Hope!? Will this ever stop? In your life has it stopped at some point? Or kept going? And still going? Is there hope for all this pain??? Can a marriage be truly restored???? Can I ever trust him again with no single doubt?? Please share your results
I found out about my husband’s addiction last week. It is so fresh in my mind that I’ve fallen into the anxiety, depression, and sadness. My husband feels so bad about his habit and is reassuring me about his love and commitment to me. But all I can think about is why did he do this? And how come he’s still doing it? Its really hard not being able to share my feelings with someone….I feel so bottled up about this situation.
Just went thru this discovery this past weekend and I don’t know how to recover. Every article I read recommends sharing with someone but I’m too ashamed, too embarrassed. Not sure how to move on from this. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated.
I’m so sorry.
Hi Mel, I feel for you the exact same way. I found out about his porn use back in May, we have gone through very tough times. He explained that he suffers from Erectile Dysfunction, got meds for it. For a while he refused to get them, he finally got them because I insisted. He has told me he loves me, that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever been with. We have been married for 26 years…He finally took the pill for his alleged dysfunction and told me it didn’t work…I read to him the instructions which said it wouldn’t work unless he wanted it to…enough said…just yesterday I confirmed what I already knew, he is still watching…I am devastated it, I feel so betrayed, not good enough, belittled, dissapointed, hurt…I feel broken inside, I feel lied to, I feel cheated on…WHY? I have always been a good wife to him, a good mother to his child, all I have ever done is truly love him heart and soul, pampered him, sorround him with love and affection…I don’t deserve it.
Hi Maggie,
I’m so sorry. After 26 years, too! The pill doesn’t work well in cases where porn use is the problem, because essentially what the pill does is to help when circulation/physiological reasons are present. When it’s more brain based (which is what porn does to people; it rewires the brain so that what’s arousing is an image rather than a person) the pill doesn’t have great effectiveness. All that works is quitting porn and slowly rebuilding your intimacy.
I’d get him to read this post on the effects of porn, because it points out that it is porn that is likely causing his ED. And then tell him that you won’t tolerate it anymore.
Again, I’m so sorry.
I have been married for 9 years, together for 15 and have 2 young boys, and I am currently 6 months pregnant with a little girl. I caught my husband yesterday…this isn’t the 1st time. Last year while I was 9 months pregnant with our 2nd child I caught him and he insisted he was just bored and he would stop. It took me awhile to get over it, but we had a baby on the way…i felt I just had to. Well same situation again but I found ao much more this time. I feel stuck…I am a stay at home mom. I have no job, how can I afford to and emotionally start over on my own raising these babies. Am u supposed to just “grin and bare it” for the next few months. I have been physically ill over this and I’m scared its going to hurt the baby. Feeling hopeless….
Carrie, I’m hoping but not sure you will see this…first, I am SO sorry for what you’re going through and I wish I had answers or even advice to offer…but I don’t.
I am a stay at home mother of 2 and am carrying our 3rd, a son, due in May. I’ve known for a long time that something wasn’t right, my husband is distant, I’ve begged him to be “present” when he’s home. I’ve also made excuses and told myself that he works long hours for us, be supportive, his job is stressful, etc etc etc. I’ve told myself it’s me, my hormones are raging, I cry watching commercials, I’m overly sensitive…until this past weekend. I looked, I found EVERYTHING! I’m so confused and hurt and mad! I am mad at him and I’m mad at myself for looking and mad I didn’t look sooner! On top of the obvious pornography addiction, I also found thousands and thousands of dollars in bets he has placed with a bookie? My world has completely imploded in the last few days and feel so naive! I don’t know who I am married to, I don’t know this man, who’s child I am carrying. He is an attorney, with his own practice and obviously don’t know OUR income!
I am so trapped and I can’t help but think that it is all by design. I don’t know that he would let me (and the kids of course) leave with anything but the clothes on our backs! How do you divorce an attorney?!!?!
The one thing I do know is that you are amazingly strong! I would have never had the courage to share my situation, had I not read your post. I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that even at your weakest moment, you are inspiring and you are absolutely not alone!
I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this issue.
Husbands porn use can devastate your core and leave you feeling lost, lonely, and like you are going insane. But, please know there is light at the end of this dark tunnel… perhaps this is a good time to start paying more attention to yourself and find out what it is that makes you happy! It is way too easy to fall into the trap of thinking that somehow his pornography use is because of you… you are an amazing and beautiful woman! Look at yourself differently… make a decision of rather to stay and work things out or leave and start fresh! Remember you are not stuck! There is always a way out!
Hi Mel…from my heart to yours, I get your pain. My husband of forty years turned into a monster…even cursing at me and demanding g that I get my hands off of him…so D day was October 1, 2017…I absolutely lost it…cut off all my hair, three bricks thru the window and shrieked like a banshee. I was lava girl. Nobody had ever seen me freak out…but it was (and still is) the deal deal. His flimsy excuses were
1. All guys do it, even my son’s
2. Men need a release
3. He can’t remember anything, like another guy did it.
4i cut him off (!ie)
Bottom line guys get addicted to porn like a drug and their brains get synthetic triggers making them crave po rn and be disgusted with real women. It is a dangerous addiction and if he fluent get help and quit, it will destroy him. Get yourself help and do it now…and let’s pray your hubby finds a no gap support group…right now. Prayers…
I found out about my husband same time as you and I still can’t get over it …..
I’ve caught my husband looking at porn multiple times during our marriage. The first time he said it wasn’t a big deal and he’d stop. A couple of years later I started finding it again. I confronted him and he again assured me that porn is not worth it and he isn’t going to anymore. But I still feel disconnected and I’m having a hard time trusting. Does it ever feel better?
I am new to this. I found out my husband after two weeks of marriage has this problem. We have no foundation barely – i literally am so broken, disgusted and I am a strong women yet this is breaking down my confidence. I have always had a lot of confidence – this is some crazy mess.. i applaud all these women who stick lt out. Is there online help for this? Like support groups. ?
I found out last week my husband of 13 years has been watching porn on computer..
I wouldn’t have a problem as I’m not a prude. But he has over the years shut me out as far as having sex with me.. he works away for a month at a time and even when he gets home he can go around ten days without coming near me.. I have asked myself if it’s because he doesn’t fancy me if I’m too fat too old too ugly over the years .. when I have asked him over the years why he doesn’t want sex with me apart from couple times when he is home for the month he has said he just gets worn out at work !! He has absolutely no idea still that feel very hurt by his behaviour I am a good wife to the point I get his slippers out ready at the door for his return home .. I am loyal wouldn’t ever look at another man . I don’t go anywhere while he is away I wouldn’t do anything to cause him distress wondering where I am or what I’m doing while he is away… I used to watch porn and use all manner of toys with my ex so it’s not like I’m against this.. my husband has never wanted to watch porn nor use any form of toy!! He said it wasn’t for him ! That was fine with me also .. at a loss now to know exactly where I stand in this relationship..
I am going through the same thing as well. I wish I could find a support group for this. I’m at a loss of what to do and it’s already been over two months since finding out
It is somewhat “refreshing” to hear so many woman with the same issues as myself. My husband started watching porn at a young age and it wasn’t looked down on by his peers or family so I feel like now, 8 years into marriage he still does not see it as an issue. He ultimately blames me and gets so angry whenever i find out he has been watching again ( usually every month ) . He says we don’t have sex enough ( i am pregnant and have three kiddos) but I know thats not true because he had the same issue when we were young and dating and early in marriage! It feels like a never ending battle…that I cannot overcome.
I am in the same situation. I met and married my husband in six weeks. We’re older, not impulsive youth, and we had the connection of a lifetime, something I thought wouldn’t ever happen after the terrible relationships I have been in. It was that connection, that all-consuming cosmic soulmate connection, that I thought was sacred, and that is why I feel so betrayed. I discovered some things he was covering up here and there, like being on a sexual Facebook page in the middle of the night that was private, or red flags like the fact that he “liked” EVERY female photo that was posted, and I started getting suspicious. I looked through his phone and found that he had told a friend “She’s not as pretty as [the ex] but everything else is **** awesome.” (which he tried to explain away by saying the friend in question had an obsession with that particular ex’s looks) That just about killed me, my self confidence was in shambles (and I’m not ugly, never had a problem getting male attention). Then about four months into the relationship I found the porn – over a thousand photos in his Google activities since we met, including some from the morning after our wedding. He says it is just like looking at cars, a habit because he was single for so long. He says he stopped, but I have a terrible time trusting him again. I have found little things that he easily glosses over, but nothing I can call concrete evidence. Things like Youtube videos in his history with chicks half dressed – which he always says he hit it on accident-right) I feel like a completely different person from who I was when he met me – the confident, unafraid, tough, strong woman that I was, now this broken, insecure, over-emotional, CRAZY JEALOUS shell of a person. I KNOW he loves me, but I can’t seem to get over it, my heart is broken, and I love him so much I cannot give him up. It has turned me into crazy – obsessed with snooping, which I feel is an addiction in itself – almost physically ill and full-blown anxiety attack when he (frequently) looks at other attractive women wherever we go (or even if they’re in the same room). Even if he has stopped the behavior, I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I feel like I have PTSD. How long do I have to deal with this? I WILL NOT end the relationship, he is spectacular in every other way.
We recently unplugged our internet router and sold my husbands iPhone for a flip phone without data. He suffers from internet and pornopraphy addiction. We have come to realize that eliminating internet except on my phone simply to pay bills and check email is our only remaining option. This is a lifelong decision as he will never again own a smart phone or have home access to WiFi and internet. We are one step away from losing our marriage to pornography. I hope the inability to access it will be the breakthrough he needs. The pain this has caused to me is almost unbearable. My self worth has dissipated, I know I’m beautiful because I’ve been told my entire life I am but when i look in the mirror I don’t see beauty. If I didn’t have two children ages 2 and 4 with him I would already be gone. I can’t bring myself to raise them in poverty and tear them back and forth. This thought only adds to my depression. He wants to quit and he says he loves me. Maybe we have a sick idea of love.
Oh, Rebecca, I’m so sorry, but I’m also so glad that your husband has made these changes! That’s really wonderful. It sounds like he’s really trying to quit. Is he in a recovery group at all? That’s very important, too.
If you both could get some counselling as you walk through this road, I think that may help a lot. But you have a guy who is trying to do the right thing, and porn is such a terrible addiction that usually predates the marriage. It isn’t about what you look like at all, either. You could be a supermodel and it would make absolutely no difference. Please hear me on this. I know it sounds lame, but it isn’t about you. What porn does is rewires the brain so that what’s arousing is an image or a video, not a person. And the way a porn addiction works is that to get the next “high” you don’t need more, you need “different”. What makes porn addicting is the constant different images and different things people are doing. So it wouldn’t matter if you were the most gorgeous woman on the planet. Because you’re not “different”, you wouldn’t do it.
Once he quits the porn and works at growing real intimacy, maybe for the first time, I think you’ll notice a big change. But just know right now that porn has warped him, and it’s not a judgment on you. It really isn’t. I pray that he’ll be able to fight this!
We went through the same thing… just keep an eye on where he’s going in his vehicle. Here I was thinking we had eliminated the issues and mine was viewing porn at convenience stores or Googling “pussy” in Wal Mart. So humiliated and disgusted.
It sounds like myself talking
Thank you it was what I needed to hear my husband had done this a few times and only just admitted that he had an addiction he’s going to talk to someone so he can deal with this I just don’t know where to go from here I’m lost
I’m going threw that now don’t know what to do feel sad like I’m not women enough I want to get things done to my body like a bigger butt or big boob’s I look at the mirror all time I hate what I see I use to have a smile on my face now I don’t I worry when he goes to work if he’s watching porn we just got married
I have been trying to deal with the same issues,almost a year ago I found out my husband of 22 years was deceving me with porn for 4 years we were not having sex.I was thinking after your with someone for years the sex dies down ( stupid me). It was a devistating event. We are in counseling , to no avail. I cannot and will not forgive him, this hit the core of my heart.I ended in a mental hospital for over a week. My first reaction was to hurt him back , I have never thought about hurting him with an affair that is all I think about so he will know what it feels like to be betrayed . I was a depressed person when we meet. When he was watching porn and not giving me affection I was told I had Lupus and needed his support and the whole time he was betraying me. What was wrong with him was erectile disfunction , and he could not come to get support from the one person that has always been there for him. When I went throu menopause I was devastated but I did not exclude him. All I can say it’s not easy and I personally don’t think our marriage will survive.
I am now into 6 months of intense therapy with a brilliant porn addiction therapist. And I am still falling into deep sadness over discovering the love of my life husband ‘s severe porn addiction. I was always beautiful, I loved our life , I created a world for us that was honest, loving, intelligent…especially sensual.And now I feel as if I have shared my bed,my life,my love with thousands of other women.Every time he chose porn he did not choose me.I cannot recover this nor will I ever be the same as I live with or without him…perhaps the addiction process mimics that of a drug addict etc, however the collateral damage to a love story is a devastating blow to all that is sacred.I will never toss my naked self into our bed again without a broken heart
Oh my gosh. I could have written this. My heart goes out to you.
I discovered my husband’s porn use last month. It’s been going on for years apparently. He calls it “people watching.” We went to his therapist and that was a disaster! I screamed out of frustration so the whole conversation turned to my instability and his humiliation. I’ve been in a constant state of panic attack for four days now. All I keep thinking is “he looks at naked women who aren’t me” I don’t want to stay sober, but I’m on Weight Watchers and that will screw up my progress, lol! I don’t ever want to be naked in front of him again. I wish I could get in a car and drive far away. I’m a survivor of child sex abuse and I guess part of me thought that after going through all that, I’d get a pass! Guess not. We will be going to see my therapist and then a marriage counselor.
That is beautifully worded. My husband has been having ED issues since year two of our marriage. I knew he watched porn, and it never bothered me until this past year, when our sex life almost diminished. Every time we would have sex he would be rough, I’d feel like an object, and he’d have ED. Eventually I would just let him finish himself, which certainly helped nothing, especially not my self esteem. One month in particular, I made a decision to seduce him. Pulled out all the stops. I’m a fit woman and I model, I figured it couldnt be me. But he turned me down for an entire week, despite my best efforts.
The morning after one of these particularly hurtful rejections, I found porn on his iPad. I confronted him, furious that he had consciously chosen to watch porn over being intimate with me. He swore he would stop.
Last night we had a disappointing experience becuse he totally zoned out during the act, had ED, and I felt like a means to an end. Found porn gifs on his phone this morning. I’m not entirely sure what to do besides walking away. I know I can’t make him change if he doesn’t want to, and I’m still in my sexual prime. I don’t want to tolerate this in hopes he will change. I have asked him to find a counselor and he has not. Swore the hfs I found were old and he doesn’t know how they got on his phone. I’m
Not an idiot- how do you handle a relapse? Should there be consequences? What do I do?
Gretchen, what you’re describing is very typical of a man with a porn addiction. I would think that what you discovered on his devices was just the tip of the iceberg. This will not get better until he wants to do something about it, and that’s unlikely to happen unless he realizes the consequences of what he has done. I wrote a post on 4 things you must do if your husband uses porn. If he resists these things, then you need to show him that you will not tolerate this.
I’m so sorry that he’s treating you this way, too. So sorry.
Hello I have been trying to deal with my husband cheating for over 5 years. He has never admitted he has a problem or explain why he did it. At first it was all my false for not being sexy enough not wearing the right underwear etc. I have been so hurt for many years that I want out not know the why behind it all. I feel I was a good wife and mom sometimes demanding for a better life for our son. I feel I got lost because I was always working long hours and taking care of our sons education. I come from a very abusive background. I did not want that for our son, but I feel I let down my son and myself. I have not been able to recuperate. My husband denial of his cheating went of for so many years, I knew something was wrong but he always denied it and blamed me for everything. Thank you for reading this I have so much hurt in my heart that I feel lost in times not wanting to go on. I have carried this for so long, that people always blame me of being the bad one and my husband the angel.
I’ve dealt with my husband’s porn addiction for many years now. There have been times when I handled it better than others. I do want to give encouragement to any woman or man out there that porn addictions do not mean you can’t have intimacy in your marriage. Does it mean that when the trust is broken you don’t have to figure out how to regain it? Of course not. I know that there were times I battled with self-esteem when my husband viewed porn. One day, I took a step back and realized that what he was going through had nothing to do with me. He wasn’t looking at porn because he didn’t love the way I look. He did that because it is a sin that has a hold on his life. When I was able to see that he was hurting because of his addictions, it really changed my attitude. I was able to take the focus off of my feelings, and see what he was dealing with. When he is dealing with the sin issue, I try to remember that I have my own sin issues that negatively impact him. I don’t do these sins because I don’t love my husband, I do them because they have a hold on me. That is the same when it comes to his porn addictions. He doesn’t view porn because he doesn’t love me. Him looking at porn has nothing to do with me at all. It is very important that you and your spouse are honest with each other when it comes to porn. You can still have a strong marriage, even if your spouse has a problem looking at porn. By this I mean, if you have a spouse that does everything they can to stay away from porn, but still falls into the temptations and gives in, you can still have a strong marriage. I’m not saying that a spouse that refuses to see how it is negatively affecting their partner and continues doing it regardless will have a strong marriage. I’m just saying, if you find that your husband or wife struggles with porn, and they want to break the addiction, you can still be romantically in love and feel fulfilled. It takes time to get over the break of distrust, but it can be done as many times as it takes.
After 15 years of marriage, my husband conceded last night that he may be wrong in the way he views the impact of his porn habit on me. He has maintained that the porn has nothing to do with our marriage. last year when I caught him, we went to counseling. my husband maintained he wasn’t addicted and his viewing was normal and that I did not understand. he said he didn’t have a problem and would stop. Obviously I didn’t trust him because I kept asking him if he was looking at porn. He always said no. A couple of days ago I found it on his computer. I am shattered. I finally realized that I feel very similar to the way I felt during my first marriage which was physically and verbally abusive. It took me a long time to come out of that and rebuild my self esteem and I have allowed myself to become that woman again. I told him that I now hate my life and I am done with his issue and am seeking help for myself. He has neither apologized nor committed to getting help. He is researching self help. I honestly don’t think we will come out of this. Did you feel anything like this? Do you have words of encouragement?
Oh, Marie, that’s so sad! You know, I read a stat once that 70% of spouses of porn addicts experience symptoms of PTSD. It sounds like that’s what you’re going through. I definitely think you should get help for yourself and try to rebuild. Absolutely!
But I also think that him exploring self-help isn’t enough. With a porn addiction you need help to get better–you need accountability. I’m a real fan of the Covenant Eyes system, and they have a lot of ebooks over there you can download, too. Read more about it, and then maybe figure out a way to say to him, “no more. We’re dealing with this through filters and getting you into a help group.”
Tough Stuff – I have been going through the same thing. It has helped me alot to contact puredesire.org to talk to a counsellor and to order the DVD set from https://conquerseries.com/ Although I still feel pain – understanding has lifted some pressure, and self doubt off. There is so much man shame in this issue – with many really good guys getting addicted and having no idea how to stop because self control just doesn’t do it. Clinical studies have shown that porn is more addictive than heroin. You are brave – there can be a light at the end of this tunnel and you can come out stronger and closer in the end!
The Conquer Series is great! I really should write a review of it or a post on it or something. I’ve heard such great things from people who have gone through it!
I feel the same way. I’m lost sad tired hurt angry. I hate the feeling of wanting to die. This world isnt for me. Not what its become. Its everywhere. No longer sacred. No longer for a man and his wife. God didn’t want this for us. Why does he put us thru this. Why does he let this happen. So many unanswered ??s
I feel your pain…..I have been in a 7 year relationship and just found out my boyfriend is a porn/sex addict. Can’t stop crying, say’s he is sorry and wants help but the trust I ever had is gone.
Aileen
I feel the same way. I want out of this world. That’s scary because it sounds suicidal. But, what you wrote is my experience for so long that it is my daily struggle and daily paradigm. I wish I had a group of women to just talk to and support each other. It is so hard to find that. I’m lost. I feel forsaken by God and left alone to be tortured here by men. I know that sounds sick. But, men really really are a disappointment. And, so am I.
Oh, Hurting, I’m so, so sorry. I’d just encourage you to talk to someone about this. I know you long for a group of women, but they really are out there! If you find a Celebrate Recovery group, they may have a group for spouses of addicts, too. Or a big women’s Bible study may have a group. You are NOT alone.
Hurting: I feel the exact same way. Everything you said . You took the words right out of my mouth. I wish there was some way we could contact each other. I have basically no one.
My heart goes out to every woman who is going through this trauma. At the end of May I found my husband who was also a church leader /preacher and who I trusted 100% watching porn one month after I had an operation and was recovering having my colon out and a Stoma bag I have still got to have open heart surgery soon so I have banned him from any hospital appointments I have it just brings it all back what he did. It has rocked our marriage to its core and I have been through every emotion possible and am still struggling with many things. He is so full of remorse and is having counselling with a Christian counsellor and is being accountable to a Christian. We have left our church as the leaders had no compassion when I went to explain how it had affected me, so now we have lost our friends as I’m so ashamed of him. I am on medication and am now having EMDR therapy with my Christian counsellor and this is five months on. I feel I will never trust him again and after 12 years of marriage my love for him has changed. This has been a horrendous time in my life but it has made me stronger in my walk with God and I know he is with me every step of the way. I don’t know what the outcome will be but I think a support group for all women who go through this and understand each others trauma is vital.
Please give yourself plenty of self love! It’s his issue, his problem, his weakness and sin. I am so sorry for you but you can change your reaction to his sin- feel free to reach out to me anytime
Yes, I am just tired of the pain, I do not want to do this anymore after 27 years of marriage promises, lies, and apologies. I have a mental roadblock but I do not know how to get free. Prayed so much.
22 years here and battling all the feelings. Tired . Truly it changed him.
Mad, he walks and talks like a duck…he’s a duck.How long have you been pretending he will stop and learn to appreciate the amazing woman who married him? Get out and toot your own horn. Tomorrow promise me you will begin the journey of finding somewhere else to live and securing the finances for your own story. He keeps you like a home slave. Show him how unimportant and awesome you are….and oat your fanny and tell him “can’t touch this”
My husband says he does not have a problem! One night I sat up to confront him! We had a laptop he would stay up late.. I would go to bed.. He would sit at the couch view porn and jack off! I said and you wonder why I will not let you touch me! How can I compare to your young pieces of ass! He shuts the laptop. Goes to bed.. Says nothing! Does not use the laptop anymore.. Went to waiting till I was out of the house goes on the PC and does it again! And lies to me that he has stopped!! BUT the history on the PC tells a different story! What is sad is that these girls are the age of his eldest daughter!!! I ask he says he is not doing anything! BUT! Now when we do have sex he can not finish.. He blames me.. I am not performing well enough.. I am in the wrong position.. On and on! In my opinion.. He is use to his left hand and getting it done in seconds!! With a person who will do anything on the screen! He has no interest in pleasing me at all it is just sex in his part! He will not get help for he says he does not have a problem.. It is his wife who does not know how to please her man! He now calls me his ROOMATE.. He is not my husband cause I CAN NOT PLEASE him!! He critizes me at every turn and now it does not matter where we are or with! And to add to all that.. Know one stops him or helps me.. Or stands up to his behavior.. The ignore it like it does not happen!
Debby, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. And I’m so sorry that your husband is blaming you and allowing porn to ruin his life. That’s just such a tragedy, and such a waste.
I’m also sorry that no one is stepping in to help you. But you know what? You’re the only one who can really stand up to his behaviour. You’re the only one who can really say NO. No more. If you’re not sure how to do that, I’d recommend this post on 4 things you must do if your husband uses porn. But this won’t get better until someone draws some firm boundaries!
I feel the same! My 19 year marriage has been filled with traumatic cycle of finding pornography, lying, “I’m sorry”‘s, and broken promises to stop. My husband lies about the smallest things so trust can’t ever be rebuilt and I can’t heal. It feels like he’s doing the sin, but the kids and I experience the consequences for the sin. I have every symptom of todd. My husband has virtually no interest in having sex with me.
Kari, I’m so sorry. And what your husband is doing is so wrong. And it is not just hurting you; it’s hurting him, too. I’d read this post about the four things you must do if your husband uses porn. At some point, you may have to draw a strong line in the sand.
Kari, it’s the same here. As if the pornography is not enough hurt, I actually think the continuous “little lies” do the most harm of all. Even if the porn (and paying hookers for a peep show on his 18 wheeler) were to stop long enough to show any sort of real remorse, the lies continually break any trust and hope of it ever stopping. The lies always mean another secret is at hand. And, of course, there is the monthly repeat of how I am the cause of his addiction, although, the addiction was there
before I even knew him. Had I not been duped by the dual personality, I would never have married him. He is the master of deceit. I have hoped, and believed his many broken promises for so long, I’m just tired of it. It even seems he wears the Christian cloak only to convince me he is changed. I believed with my whole heart and faith in Jesus, he had, then would change for years now. I did not want to give up for so long because I didn’t want to give up on him as a wife and believer.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.HURTING RIGHT NOW!
I’m going through same thing. I just found out yesterday after calling to complain of my costly bill. There must be some mistake?!? No-no, my husband ordered 11 porno movies on TV in month of May. ..$100.!!!! No wonder my tele.-TV bundle was outrageously high.
I’ve been married 5 years…I was shocked yesterday, hurt, angry. I feel so betrayed.
Today I feel VACANT. I don’t care how many times he has begged forgiveness and said he’s so so sorry. “It means nothing to me”. Well, his “nothing” is my VACANCY.
I love him, but I do not trust him anymore.
When did your husband finally realize he is hurting you?? Because mine is confused of why I’m hurt because he tells me it’s not me or my body thag made him fall Into this addiction. It’s his issue . I tell him I want to help him and be on same page but only if he understands that it’s hurting me and he’s not willing to understand . When I come to him and bring up that I had a bad day because I’ve been thinking bad stuff it hunts me down he gets mad and doesn’t wanna talk .. he doesn’t understand that I need help too. It’s hurting me too. How did your husband get to understand he has hurt you with this action ?
Thank you for posting. I hope it gets easier but it doesn’t. My husband has been battling porn addiction for most of our marriage. We have been together for 20 years. He is a good man who grew up in a severely dysfunction home where porn was normal. 5 year after getting a computer he hit his lowest point. He formed erectile dysfunction and would spend 3 to 4hours a day online watching porn. When I found out I was devastated. I couldn’t sleep, eat or focus. I went through everything and found web sites, porn saved to phone, huh ooku websites that he was a member of. I was so mad and ashamed, felt like I am never enough. So I shared all his history to his family, friends. I went on the dating websites and posted his family photo. He flipped out. Called saying someone set him up and denied all of it. When confronted with proof it was some old story. We don’t have sex enough or we are horny at different times. Anyway we found out about porn addiction and went through treatment. He has relapsed 2. We have in the past recovered quickly but this week I found out he has been watching porn for past several months. I had caught him looking at nude Facebook photo but he denied it. I should have known then. So here we are back at square 1 again. I love him but in tired of this battle. It kills me and this time it hurts worse than last time . I know he has a problem and instead of talking to me instead he chose to watch porn and hide and hide it from me. Sad thing is after confronting him and arguing for 2 days and hearing the same old song I started doing all I could to keep his eye on me. Sex has been great but it’s not going to solve anything. He will go back to porn because he always does and I can’t fight this battle. Its not me with the problem it him. They are the ones with problems and it will not get better unless they put all their effort in. Apparently he doesn’t want to fight this battle I’m just gonna ride this out because I do love him but I m done feeling all this.When he’s ready to fight for us then I’ll start having sex. As long as he’s watching porn and not getting help then no. It took me a long time to get and I still have to remind myself. It’s not that our men don’t love us and it’s not that they are not attracted to us. They are aroused by visual stimulation. Girls online and porn are available anytime that want, can preform any fantasy they want, they don’t have to talk to them, they don’t have to worry if they are satisfied . All he has to do is push a button and he has quick easy way to get off. It totally resets their brain. So just remember it’s not us it’s them . They are mentally I’ll. If they truly love us then they will try to get help and actually work the program. It is hard to do. Praying my husband will want to go back to treatment but so far it doesn’t look like he’s going to.
That doesn’t erase the lies, the constant betrayal, the whole thing feeling fake, it doesn’t erase a wife/gf attempting to connect with someone they love but finding nothing, it doesn’t erase the lack of intimacy she/he has had many times for years.
I get what you are trying to say, but for me it sounds like an excuse to make it alright. It isn’t alright. Do you hide your “sins”? Repeatedly hide them? Make them feel stupid if they question you?
I get that each person is different, but for me….I hate hearing someone make it okay for them to do this. I also felt slapped by the “I’m not a prude” comment from another poster. It isn’t about being a prude, it isn’t about being an understanding compassionate person, it’s about the thousand tentacles that destroyed who you are as a person.
I realize that it has nothing to do with me, I guess I just struggle with the why part of it. If we are having sex 3 or 4 times a week why am I finding such a dirty browsing history on his smart phone? I have asked him about it, and he assures me that he’s not addicted, “it’s just a sometimes thing.”
Hi Chris, I know this is SO hard, but it really isn’t you. It’s two separate things: one is a relationship and one is a almost chemical reaction to a sexual fantasy that’s based in anonymity. The arousal processes are completely different–so just because he’s getting sex at home doesn’t mean he won’t want porn, because porn satisfies a different part of his brain and has a different chemical reaction. It’s just really sad.
But just because it’s two separate things doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong, and doesn’t mean it’s not cheating. I’ve got an article on the effects of porn here, and it may be useful to try to show that to him.
How does one depersonalize this? I try to just ignore him and live my own life in the marriage but it’s not working for me. Don’t really want to be married anymore but I never follow through.
Even if your husband isn’t addicted, it’s a habit that hurts you. If it’s not an addiction, he should stop. Every woman is worth giving up porn for! Addiction or not. And if he’s really not an addict, he should realize it’s hurting you and that something as stupid as pornography isn’t worth hurting the woman he loves.
Hey, just read your post and I feel for every one on here. I have had the incredible misfortune to only have dated and mistakenly married liars and cheaters who heavily use pornography. The ones who used and still maintained an active sex life have told me that they replay them while they are having sex with me so they can ….. I know this is painful, we are not meant to be used to masturbate to other women, but I think you should know what is really going on and it is not innocent. I have such severe PTSD from all of the porn induced abuse and mistreatment, but this one killed my desire for any sexual relationships. To all of you, you should know it has NOTHING to do with your looks. I have never had a partner who didn’t start exclusively using porn soon after dating me and I am built like a bikini model with the face of a twenty year old Winona Ryder. It has to do with their poor coping skills, emotional immaturity, low self esteem, no fore thought, sexual abuse or self training, and addiction to the 5 second intense dopamine high. It does not mean that you should ever accept or allow him to blame you for his poor choices to disregard your safety or feelings and his commitments, integrity, or respect for you, your marriage, and your relationship. Lastly, pray. Honestly, I was not a believer until my last betrayal by a man who took years to help me through my triggers, professing his love, asking for my hand, only to abandon me for porn and blame my looks and race for his choices. God can heal, trust and know He can. I ask Him every day to heal my heart because I feel the cold of bitterness and that is NOT who I want to be. I want to be what He made me to be. Strong, happy, loved. He is softening my heart, He does take the pain, and He can not use you if you are not broken. Remember, the forest has to burn down if anything new and vibrant and beautiful is to grow, but it takes time. That goes for everything in your life including you marriage.
I began writing a much longer comment, but it was just too painful. The kicker for me was him blaming me for his porn usage, saying that when I don’t want to have frequent sex, it “pushes” him to porn. When we are having less sex, it is generally because I feel emotionally distant from him or he is just not home much. I found out about the porn when I was trying to figure out why he was so distant (I suspected an affair). If he had said that a good sexual relationship made it easier to stay away from porn, I would have been good with it. It’s the blaming that gets to me. I have my own sin to deal with and I don’t tell him that it is his fault that I fall into sin.
Meredith, I wrote a post on that that may help here: Can We Cause Someone to Sin? I’d also really recommend looking at this post on the effects of porn with your husband. Does he understand what this will eventually do to him (if it hasn’t already)?
Thanks for the reply, Sheila. I have read the posts before and I just reread them. I agree that I should do what I can to encourage my husband (and anyone else I influence) to keep from sinning and I have apologized for being less sexually interested . My problem is with the blaming, and honestly, he only said it once because it did not go over well. He is very defensive about the porn and said in the same conversation that he has never been unfaithful–that in fact, he “never looked at another woman”. I pointed out that these online videos are real women, with parents and families. It counts. I can’t somehow be the perfect sexual partner and then all this will stop and it’s hard to have sex and wonder if he just watched someone else do the same thing. I will try to talk to him about the other. We are in counseling (a recent development) and he hasn’t disclosed the porn use yet. It might help to have this discussion with the counselor present.
Depressed I don’t even know who I’m.anymore my heart is breaking daily like he isn’t my husband but my last husband did this to me and he’s the man the one now I’ve been with for 5years I saw so much porn in his phone he had a few phones with things I can’t erase from my mind I’m so hurt he says he’s going to do what he wants he doesn’t show he cares that I’m.hurting and when I catch him at night he tries to act as if he’s not doing anything or me hearing noises is all in my head because I have a mental disorder so I know what’s real I’m 21 years younger than he is and I don’t want to lose him but I’m at the point where I can’t take it anymore I also feel like he has watched it while being with me I literally stay up sometimes just Tom see what happens like play sleep and I know what he’s doing I can’t take it anymore I have been.through so much and this is killing me I feel so lonely and like I’m.just not enough for anybody .I was abused as a child and I have always had issues with men and I’m crying as I write this like I feel so stupid he keeps.doing it either no regard for me and then only has sex when he wants to.I feel like I’m just a hole to put his …. In and I don’t knkw what to do I can’t even think straight I’m.so depressed I need to talk to.other women about this pls help.me
Oh, Lula, I’m so, so sorry. It sounds like you have betrayal trauma on top of all the other trauma you’re dealing with. If you can’t live like this, then you need to figure out a plan to do something different. Do you have a healthy church community in your area you could join? Or a counselor you could see to help you through this? It’s okay to say, “I will no longer tolerate this.” It’s okay to say, “I am drawing a line in the sand.” But it also takes a lot of strength. If you don’t have that right now, I’d work on getting strong yourself, despite your husband. Then you may be able to see more clearly as to what you should do. And again, I’m so sorry.
I hope a post is coming on how you actually go forward? 5 years in to this crushing addiction and he had gone 3 times to counseling, is not in a 12 group and has an accountability partner that basically just looks at his bad Internet reports. We are separating until he shows fruit of repentance and change. With addiction comes lies, manipulation and betrayal and the right answer is not always “just stay and pray and hope it resolves. “
Rachel, I’m so sorry–and it sounds like you are doing something wise. If there are no fruits of repentance, then he needs to understand the consequences of his actions and start sowing what he is reaping. I hope you have a good counselor or mentor that you can lean on when you need it over what is sure to be a difficult few weeks and months ahead. Stay strong in God, and rebuild yourself. Then if your husband repents and turns back, you’ll be strong enough to take him back. But if he doesn’t, you’ll be in a better place to rebuild your life, too. Prayers for you!
I agree with not always staying and putting up with betrayal for years and years. Personally I desire respect far more than love which is what often opposite to what is often taught in Christian circles. I have worked with women in various programs and MANY agree it is a myth that live is not important than being respected. They want to be respected first – it is not true that ALL women want love and men want respect. It’s wrong to state something about ALL women or all men UNLWSS you poll EVERY man and woman. Generalizing is not right as it assumes you know what a person wants or needs.
If my husband respects me as an equal person of value I then feel better about who I am. It’s easy to love the unlovable but being respected is more important for me and hundreds of women I have counselled.
PS Not that this writer said “stay pray and hope it resolves” but I have had some horrible advice from Christians with no training or expertise in this area.
Rachel, When my husbands porn was disclosed 51/2 years ago the advise I was given by my close friends from church was to forgive and move on. I was also told that I was wallowing in self pity. But I was hurting. My world just came crashing around me and I didn’t know where to go, or how to recover. I am certain I had post traumatic stress.
It took years to feel normal. We had years of horrible times in our marriage, following the disclosure, which was the third in our marriage. There were triggers, and so much recovering of trust. My self esteem was damaged to badly, to this day I still feel ugly.
We were able to rebuild, although I feel before the disclosure I felt loved more. I felt he loved me despite how I looked. Now I feel like a sorry replacement for what he truly wants.
I was told the same thing. That it only hurt because I had “daddy issues” and that I needed to forgive my father and I’d feel better. That it was the devil, not my husband. That I needed to be freer with my body, have sex more, and not take it personal. I needed to “cover his sin in love” and protect his image so he didn’t feel ashamed.
Basically, I abused myself, had numerous breakdowns, and finally (praise God) found various blogs (Leslie Vernick, for example) and this one that finally said what so many other Christians were unable to say. Namely: sin destroys marriage and you don’t have to martyr yourself for an unrepentant adulterer.
Always acting in love, towards reconciliation, but love isn’t always more sex and hugs!
To 5sonz, I too still fell ugly. But only around my husband. When I am out alone I don’t feel that any more.
When I discovered my husband had accessed porn on a college computer where I was attending I couldn’t even go to the store for weeks, maybe months. I started having panic attacks.
I thought everyone knew “how stupid and ugly I was”.
It was one of the most horrible things I have ever been through and let me tell you, I have been through some bad stuff.
I hope your self-esteem improves. Love yourself. God loves you.
I know it is hard. I understand.
I completely relate. It has been about 7 weeks since we started working through this issue. I know in my head that I’m not an ugly woman. I’m 36 and have had 2 kids, but I’m 5’6″ and 130 lbs, in good shape and I still feel like there is no way I can compare to the images that my husband has seen of 19 year olds. I still struggle with a little bit of panic attacks, especially at night. I’ve never been one to love nudity in a movie, but now, when a scene comes on t.v., even if just slightly risqué, I’m completely embarrassed in front of my husband. Even though he is repentant and sorry, I’m still so hurt. Instead of feeling like my husband is in the happy relationship I though we were in, I feel like he is constantly wishing he had someone better. It is a very gloomy feeling.
I can totally relate with this. After having 2 children, my body isn’t what it used to be and I never feel like I am enough. Although it has been quite some time since my husband has watched porn, I still have trouble trusting. I always feel like my body and the sex can never compare to whatever he viewed. Trying to figure out how to feel happy and good about myself again. I don’t want to be so dependent on him for how I feel about myself. I also never talked to anyone about it, because I didn’t want people to judge him because he really is a good guy.
I can relate to your post whole heartedly!
How can a wife confront her husband about this when she finds it on his phone without his knowledge?
I went searching because I knew something was wrong and he was sort of guarding his laptop when I walked into the room. I talked to a trusted friend and waited until I was more in control of my emotions. Here is what I said:
“I have been so worried about this emotional disconnect between us. I wondered whether you were having an affair, but I really honestly didn’t think so.”
He interrupted saying, “I’m not having an affair!”
“I know you aren’t. It’s porn, you’re using porn.”
He never even asked how I knew , but he must know I searched his laptop. He’s not good with computers so he hardly ever cleared his history. I even took screenshots in case he denied it. He has changed his laptop password now.
I was prepared for more of a fight about privacy, but it never came. I planned on telling him that when someone I love is in danger of hurting himself or others, that takes precedence over privacy. I needed to know and he had withheld the information. End of story.
That sounds like you handled it really well, Meredith. You calmed yourself down, got some prayer support, and went in with the attitude “I want to help you”, not “I want to punish you.” Prayers that he will accept help!
SP, I dealt with this. I found it and waited a week before confronting him. I took that week and cried, prayed and reached out to two “Godly” ladies whom I assumed had various experience as they were in lady’s ministries positions.
I was told to forgive and that my love will empower him to make the right choices…ect. not necessarily what I believe.
I sat him down after a week and explained to him, as your spouse we mag have different usernames and lock screens but we have always known each others passwords. I said that I picked up his phone to use it as mine was charging and I ended up coming across xyz. He was mad. He said I violated his privacy. He brought up every fault of mine from the past many years of our marriage (I ruined one of his shirts by sending a crayon through the dryer). Because I knew what he had been looking at it explained several positions and painful experiences that he had us “try.” I made it clear I would not be intimate until I healed physically. I also told him to get counseling…which made him angry and he threw his ring at me and drove away. He was so defensive.
This was the third period of time I found he was looking at porn.
Flash forward 6 months. I started counseling right after this. I realized the power he gave to manipulation and that he wasn’t going to change. We have attended a few couples therapy sessions (again) but they are so quick and spaced out I feel like nothing is being accomplished. He is defensive and not willing to be open. It is so hard. I am sorry that was so long. Ladies, you are not alone.
Chris, I think your response was great–you prayed about it and sought good counsel and calmed down a bit and confronted him honestly.
His response is his choice, and you are not to blame for that at all.
I am sorry that he didn’t respond better, but I’m so glad that you’ve surrounded yourself with wise people who can guide you through this. Praying for you!
I really appreciate this post. I never thought of it as a trauma before. But it makes so much sense, I have had all the symptoms mentioned. I found this blog searching desperately for guidance when I found out about my husbands porn use, The third time. The first time i talked to him calmly rationally and he was sorry and i tried to forget while trying to keep him satidfied and he tried to make it less obvious. But eventually i found out he was still doing it. That set me off i yelled, i cried. He was sorry again he swore he wouldnt and said he would tell me if he needed help and for a short time that worked. And i moved on. I got pregnant with our first child and at 38 weeks i found it on the computer again. I was so vunerable hugely pregnant. I googled found this blog and I wrote him a long note and wasnt there when he came home from work. I said he needed to confess to our pastor and he needed help and if he wouldnt do that then I wasnt able to stay right now. I think there is a coorelation to this stress and my sudden onset pre eclampsia. Just putting it into the terms of a trauma makes me feel better about my still having symptoms. He did go to confess and we so far are doing good. But i know there is always the temptation so some days the enemy really works in my imagination.
Sheila,
Please consider writing more on this topic. When a husband is unrepentant what can we do? How do we set loving boundaries? For me as I shared in one of my previous posts I realized some of the things he has had us “try” have left me feeling disgusting. What can a wife do when a husband brings porn into the bedroom not just in his head or anot actual video buy in the form of crazy requests/expectations?
Sheila, would you also consider writing more about porn in dating? I have read your one article here (https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/10/should-you-marry-someone-who-uses-porn/), but I would love to see a series on it after this one. So many of the articles on porn are geared toward wives — but what about those of us who are trying to decide whether or not to marry the man? What questions should we ask specifically? Generic statements like, “I struggle, but I have accountability set up” can really mean so many different things…but in a dating relationship, it’s hard to know how specific to be without crossing any boundaries.
If he is unrepentant how do I set boundaries? I have read your article on 4 things a wife needs to do if her husband is looking at Porn… but if he isn’t to the place of wanting to be done how are boundaries set? Technology free hours would never fly with him. His phone took a dive into the fish tank last week and I was praising God. But he mailed it in and got it fixed, and nearly every night he would take his laptop and dissappear. And now the smart phone is back and it travels with him every where he goes. Even to the bathroom! He also deletes history.
Thank you for addressing this topic! It is so widespread and needs talked about more. My heart breaks for women in this situation because I know how poignant the pain can be. I am fortunate to have learned of my husband’s addiction while we were still dating. He was fully repentant and dedicated to change (praise the Lord that he wanted to change)! It has been a long journey, full of road bumps. And each day is still a battle and choice for him. Right away he committed to accountability partners, computer and phone filters, and open honesty with me. He is in ministry (yes, even ministers struggle, we know several), which can make it an issue we don’t want to shout from the rooftops, but he made sure that the elders were aware and he has even shared it with many people at church. One of his biggest defenses is taking the “secret” out of this secret sin. There are still hard days, it is an addiction after all, and since moving to Phoenix he has had a hard time finding reliable accountability partners, so most of his are back in Nebraska. I am proud of his willingness to be honest and change. I have felt the pain, anger, disappointment, suspicion that most of these women are expressing. If our testimony or support could in any way benefit others, let me know. We want to share our story and help others journey to health and healing.
That is such a great story, Nathana! I think bringing things from darkness to light is always the right choice.
Thanks so much for posting these incredible articles. I work with many wives and this is a far too common problem in their marriages, Sheila. I’m sharing these with them and grateful for the work you do to help in this way. Thanks also for hosting!
I’ve been married to the same man for 25 years and I found out about his addiction just 4 months into our marriage. He has been to therapy and quit, he said his Therapist told him he was not that bad, but when you have sex sometimes only twice a year, the addiction is way out of control in my view. He broke the news to me last week that he had been with a prostitute and to a massage parlor and I tried for a week to get thru this, but can’t do it any longer when he won’t abide by the boundaries I have set. I made him promise to never masturbate with in our marriage again and 2 days later I caught him. I kicked him out of the house. As a Christian woman and wife this is unacceptable to live like this. In my eyes our marriage is over and there is no hope for him. I fear for my health and emotional well being. The hard part is I miss my best friend, where will I go? I even care for his sick mother and he still does this.
I’m telling you, this is like living with a heroine addict, and I can’t see it ever stopping. All of the dreams we talked about have vanished into thin air, I feel like I was the delusional one in this marriage. As for all of the above symptoms of post traumatic stress, I have them all and then some. I have even had to go as far as training my dog to be a therapy dog so I can take her with me on outings because the of the strain from the alienation I feel so deep inside that I can barely go out of my own home. I have no one to talk to about this and the shame and embarrassment of the burden I carry is overwhelming. This man has ruined me and all because I stayed in a marriage that I thought God would heal.
NO MORE!!! I have succumbed to the fact that he will probably not make it into heaven and will probably die from aids. These are hard cold facts and now I have to move on.
Please don’t waste your life on a man with this addiction for long.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this Lisa! I’m glad you set firm boundaries. That’s so important.
On thing, though–this man did NOT ruin you. I know that’s how you’re feeling, and I know that you’re overwhelmed with shame and fear right now. But what this man did reflects on him, not on you. You are not ruined; you are God’s precious child, and God has so many wonderful things in store for you in this life. He really does. I pray that people will come around you to encourage you, and that you will start to receive healing and can move on.
Porn destroys intimacy quicker than just about anything. It perverts the mind and obstructs a man from having the meaningful encounter that God designed for him to have while having sex with his spouse.
Porn hasn’t been a struggle in our marriage, but we have done marital counseling during a general “weak spot” in our marriage and are quite open about it. I just wanted to add that requiring him to seek help should be two-fold—he seeks help apart from you—preferably professional counseling, and you seek counseling together. Couples should never be afraid to seek counseling. It’s an open forum to discuss WHATEVER before a completely objective person. A minister that has known both people before or a friend does not have the same objective viewpoint, and thus might be biased towards a particularly partner. A good counselor or Christian counselor will affirm you both and help you talk openly about the hurt and how to cope with addiction.
This is such a hard & painful topic for me. I’m sad to say that after almost 10 yrs of marriage my husband has filed for divorce. He has had 3 affairs now & has used porn since childhood. He deals with alcohol problems, illegal steroids & has a history of meth addiction. I guess I should’ve seen the red flags more before we married. He kept the porn addiction hidden so well when we dated that I had no clue. He went to Iraq for a year (just days after our wedding) and came back a different man. The first affair happened only months after his return, with an old girlfriend. I found out too that they had been corresponding while he was overseas. In the past 2 years he has frequented Craigslist and responded to and posted ads that talk about meeting and doing all kinds of things. He went as far as meeting a lady 2 times before I found out. Last yr we were separated & he again slept with another woman he met at a bar. Always very drunk and at hotels. So very hurtful & yet I have chosen to forgive him. He says I don’t forgive him, my family hates him, and that it’s all my fault he chooses things like this. So sad & heartbreaking. I still love him so much and long to reconcile. We have two beautiful kiddos (5 & 3) and now he says he wants 50/50 custody. I can’t even imagine. Praying that he will not get that. I know I deserve to be treated better but I feel that God brought us together & we fell in love & had these two babies. So many dreams and plans have been shattered. I’m having a very hard time dealing with this and I just can’t stand the thought of letting go. I am praying for a miracle. We have done counseling with our pastor and a marriage counselor last year after the craigslist affair. He stopped going because he said we only talked about what he was doing wrong & never about me. My prayer is that he will consider going with me to counseling again (whoever he chooses) & work on us again. My parents & siblings are supportive, but so cautious of me wanting to reconcile.
Sorry, this turned away from the original topic some. I do believe that his being abused as a child and made to watch porn by a very bad man is the reason he is so confused about how a normal sex life should be. I too have been asked to do some weird things in the bedroom & believe now that it all stems from the porn addiction. Ugh this is SO hard!
Prayers for all of you! We are obviously not alone, but it sure feels like it at times!
My husband is repentant: did 12 weeks of counselling, become a Christian (I am a Christian), set up filters and passwords on all our gadgets etc. However, he says he does not struggle with any temptation with it now 6 months on. I find this really hard to believe. He says the disclosure has broken the bondage to it. I am really glad he has made big strides in this, but it has been part of his life for 18 years so how can it vanish like that??? I am struggling with trusting him. I’ve asked him to be honest with me about any lapses and told him why – because if I find out the hard way it will be worse. He hasn’t really agreed to that boundary which is making me hypervigilent – setting alarms for 6am to sneak up on him downstairs, checking history on computers etc. I have no peace. Did anyone else go through this? I know i have to trust God with this now he is His child, but i really do not want to be the last to know again. He covered his tracks for 8 years using special search engines to hide his websites and i there are ways around filters. I just feel like i am going mad some days. How did anyone else get past this point?
Loopylou, that is really tough! MOST people do not break bondage that easily, but for many, coming to Christ can do it. I think the key thing is whether or not he is showing fruit in other areas of his life. Is he praying? Is he becoming less self-centered? Is he growing as a Christian? If he is, then that is a very good sign. I also don’t think that you can be the one to check up on him. That’s not healthy. It’s better to get a male accountability partner who will grill him, look at his computer and phone, and then tell you if you need to be worried. Can the two of you find someone like that?
Hi Sheila, thanks for your reply. I suppose that’s the problem. I never had him down as a selfish person. He does things round the house and would do anything for us. He says he is praying, reading a daily devotional and the bible etc. I guess it is the lying and shame he has buried so easily for 8 years i find hard to live with. He lied to me about something quite trivial the other week and it hurt me a lot because i could see how easy it was for him. We are new to our church and even thought they have celebrate recovery he thinks he doesn’t need it. He thought i was going to leave him one day (abandonment issues) and that pornography was part of his personality. So now he knows that the latter was a lie and that i am not going anywhere he thinks he’s fixed. But there must be a need that comes before the act. The lie simply justified the act. I feel like i am living with a ticking time bomb. For all i know it is still going on under my nose and i don’t want to feel that way…
I cried all the while reading this and for the commenters and myself. 3.5 yrs ago my husband of 10 yrs was arrested for solicitation of prostitution, and his name and face was on the front page of the paper and on the news. I had had no idea of his problem and it was very hurtful and humiliating. He did a full disclosure to me the next morning when he got out of jail…intercourse 2xs with the same joker, 6 hand jobs at massage parlors, numerous sex hotline calls and live interactive sex websites and of course porn, where it all started. He used the 12 steps of recovery, which he was familiar with from AA. He was relieved to get caught. He changed a lot after that night. He had told me a month earlier that he was extremely depressed, but wouldn’t tell me why as he was afraid I wouldn’t love him anymore. His actions showed me he wanted to change and was changed. His relation ship with God was renewed (he had lost faith when God didnt answer his prayers earlier to remove his compulsion). It was and can at times still be very hard. We clung to God, and He helped us. Then I grew angry at God for letting it happen. I’m still recovering from that, but I have faith God has me. It has been quite the journey of growth for us in different areas…..together and individually. I was in counseling at the time for unrelated issues, and I was glad for the support. Hubby got on anti depressants and that helped him along with prayer and meditation. He bends over backwards for my trust, and mostly I do trust him, but have some bouts of panic and insecurity and fear of it happening again sometimes. I remind myself God will let me know in time if it does, and then we will see what happens. The ironic thing out of all of this is that I do know at a deeper level how much he really does love me. It has pained him to see me in such pain. I pray for all of us who have, or are, facing this. Thank you for your website, honesty, hope, faith, and support. I pray for healing for all of us.
Before we got married, my husband had been addicted to porn. He was clean for three years before we married, and the first three years of our marriage. Last year, we went through a really rough financial time, and he ended up looking at porn on his phone, which I discovered. I was so devastated, it was all I could do to crawl out of bed in the morning and take care of our two little ones. I spent months crying, praying, and trying to figure out how to forgive and trust him again. Then again, a couple of months ago, I found some questionable things via a certain app that was promptly deleted. Currently, he has no internet access on his phone, and only has a few apps that I let him keep. This is the second time he’s broken my trust, and while I forgive him, I am TERRIFIED to trust him with his phone again. He is open and honest with me, and has an accountability meet with a friend every week (his own idea)…but I don’t think I can handle him hiding this from me again! How do I let go of this fear that plagues me every single day now? I want to trust him, but he has lied to me twice now, the second time because “he didn’t want to hurt me”. I told him if he continues being dishonest with me, he is choosing to chip away at our marriage. Any advice?
Hi Nicole,
That’s such a tough road to walk, but I see such encouraging signs in your post. First, he WAS clean for a long time–he turned to porn during a stressful period, which is quite normal. But it also means it’s quite fixable. If you can work on alternate ways to handle stress, then you can stop that from happening again. Second, he’s agreed to limit his internet access. Third, he has an accountability partner. Those are all good things! It means that he really, really wants to stop, and he’s really, really trying.
This is an entirely different situation from a man who is hiding it or justifying it.
Can you pray about a mind shift? Can you pray that you will fight the porn, and not your husband? That you will get angry at the porn industry, and not your husband?
Maybe ask him how he got started viewing porn. For many guys it was when they were very young teenagers. Maybe you have some nephews in that age group, or some at church. Volunteer to teach Sunday school once for that group of boys and really look at them. Look at how young and immature they are. And now imagine porn sucking them in. Can you start to feel some compassion for your husband–and even some admiration that he was able to stop?
Fight the porn together, on the same side, don’t fight your husband when he’s trying to do the right thing. Be his ally and cheerleader! I wrote a post today that may help, too, and why don’t you read that together and talk about it. I hope it really helps you!
Hi.Thanks for this post. I’m not married. In dating. My best friend, disclosed to me after a year of dating him that he was addicted and needed help. I was traumatized but felt like I had to be strong. I was isolated. It’s been 2 years since then. He has been porn free since confessing to me, but has gotten stimulated with non porn items. He’s off and on. I have gone to counseling. So has he. I really want to be part of a support group, even if it’s just online. Any ideas of where I could join an online group?
My husband is also addicted on watching porn. Our sex life is still very much active after our first year as newlyweds. After I gave birth to my child I observed that we don’t usually make loved. He is acting very cold at me. At first, I thought he had a mistress and his attention is on her. I investigated, but nothing happened. There is no clue or hint that he have a mistress. I changed myself. I make myself sexier and beautiful, but he is really hitting my ego! No matter what I do to seduce him he still acting cold. Then one night I caught him watching porn at the comfort room! I don’t know what to feel. Should I be happy because he don’t have a mistress or should I be sad because he chooses to watch porn rather than making love with me I feel wasted! I confront him and he told me that he didn’t know that he is now addicted at Porn. Until now, I am helping my husband to build his confidence about our sex life.
So hi! I recently got married 4 months ago and I´ve found my husband watching porn several times. The first time I spoke to him, the second time I went crazy, and so on … I finally wrote him a letter, he seemed to understand and promised not to do it again ´til last night. I feel deeply deeply sad, dissapointed for him missing to his promise, besides I obviously have the rest of the feelings you mention here in the post … What can I do?
I got to talk to him AGAIN, but now I can´t trust him … I´m scared! We´re just starting our new lives together.
Just need to feel like it’s not my fault.
I’ve been reading this with all my attention, hoping to find a way to heal myself.
Me, like you reader, have been there, I feel everything you feel. It’s kind of a vicious circle because the more I read in hopes of understanding, the more I hurt.
My personal story is not relevant, how many years I’ve been married or whatever, is not important, either you’ve been 2 years into your marriage or nearly 30 is irrelevant. The disappointment is the same, the sense of betrayal is equally there.
I’m well aware I’m not helping anyone, neither myself. I just needed to vent out because I have no one to talk to, and I think all my feelings will rotten inside of me.
Thank you for reading.
Porn is a terrible and addictive thing and I have had my share of struggles in the past. While I have moved on from them for my sake and the love of my wife I won’t say that the temptation isn’t there. I agree its not a wife’s fault for her husband being weak, I don’t think that you can say that some women shouldn’t examine themselves a little. My wife is a sexual refuser and our sex life is a roller coaster. We saved ourselves for each other and I grew up thinking sex in marriage is going to be awesome fast forward to marriage of 3 years now, still early twenties and its not what I ever thought it would be. I try to explain my feelings to my wife and when she listens she is very attentive to my needs for about a month and the we go back downhill again for about 3 to 4 months. Once again I’m not excusing looking at porn, but when my wife continues to refuse sex time and time again. It makes the temptation about 100 times harder. Just food for thought
I’m having a really hard time believing that it is a mental issue. My husband NEVER compliments me, holds my hand, cuddles, or shows me any affection unless he wants sex. After busting him about a year or so ago for the 2nd time, I forgave him & didn’t give it another thought until I busted him again last night. I have been having an extremely hard time dealing with anxiety, which he is well aware of, along with being self conscious (a life-long issue that I’ve had), & it just really freaking hurts me even more knowing that he’d rather watch porn than to be loving towards me. I’m aware that I’m not the prettiest & that my body doesn’t look like it did before I had our son 8 years ago, but I feel that if he married ME that I’m the only one that he should be wanting, instead of fantasizing about some skank online. I am now to the point where I 100% want a divorce because I honestly can’t deal with this anymore. Knowing that he is the reason why I haven’t been able to get pregnant a second time for the past 3-4 years due to him masturbating to this stuff REALLY doesn’t help matters, either. I know that I need to fix myself with my own issues (none of which are being unfaithful), & I can’t see me fixing myself while trying to put up with this crap. Why are so many people OK with their husbands watching porn & acting like it’s completely normal & I’m struggling hardcore to even accept it being a slight bit acceptable?
Oh, Jess, that is SO heartbreaking about not being able to get pregnant! I am so, so sorry. So sorry. This stuff is so awful, and your husband is making such poor choices. It’s totally not acceptable. It’s totally not normal. It is poison. And I think it’s absolutely okay for you to draw a boundary and say, “no more of this in our marriage.”
Hi ladies, I realise I’m coming in late to this poat, but I found it as a Google search result.
My situation might be slightly unique, I read through all the comments and didn’t see anything quite like it.
My husband and I were backslidden Christians, living in the world when we met. We both viewed porn before we met each other and it was even somethibg we had talked about openly while we were dating.
Now we are 9 years married, we are both very active in our church and raising our family to love and honor God. Pornography hasn’t been mentioned in years.
I recently went to answer my husband’s ringing phone while he was making dinner. He was standing there and asked me to grab it for him. He must have forgotten about it, because when I ended the call, he had a pornographic website running in the background.
I was mortified. This was something that I had thought he’d given up years ago, and it was in my hand.
I immideatly confronted him about it and he got very defensive and said that he never stopped.
He then went on to suggest that I’ve always known about it and that he thought I was ok with it since we had talked about it when we first started dating.
I am so deeply hurt by this. I feel betrayed and worthless.
But how do I convey that to him when he thinks I’m overreacting to “something that all guys just do.”
He even went so far as to say that he didn’t understand why I was upset when I watch it too. I haven’t viewed it in almost 10 years. That was something that was part of my old life, outside of Christ.
Prayers and advice greatly appreciated.
Hi Rachel,
That’s so hard! I’m so sorry.
I think the most important thing is to get him an accountability partner so that he can talk to someone about this. And if he doesn’t think it’s wrong, have him read my post on the effects of watching porn or have him download one of Covenant Eyes’ ebooks about it. It is serious, and maybe if he reads those things he’ll get it!
Hi, I just experienced the same feeling you had but my situaron is different. I don’t know who to talk to about this, so I went on google and found this blog. Two nights ago my husband told me he wanted to confess something to me. This came up because I had just gotten to a confession and I told him what I confessed. I never hide anything from my husband, even when we dated. So that night he told me that he watched porn while we dated and during our marriage. He told me he had stopped a few months ago, went to confession and he will never do such thing. At first, I only felt weird because back when we were dating, we discussed about masturbation and sex. He told me that as a single man he didn’t do those things because they were wrong. I felt bad becuase I had done things, like keeping a vibrator so I told him the truth. He was chocked and hurt but I’m glad I told him because I didn’t want something like that to come in between us. I threw the vibrator away and we never talked about it. We have been married three years now so when he told me this, I was more surprised than hurt. I asked why he never told me the truth when I was honest with him and he told me he was ashamed. As he kept talking about it I started to feel weird, I didn’t know how to feel so I just smiled and told him to keep his promise true and be honest in everything. After, we went to bed and I started to feel like I didn’t know him as a man anymore and started to wonder why we would have long periods of not making love. He had shared that sometimes he couldn’t control it because he knew I was in my period or I was tired. But the problem is that I am open to love-making but I always feel like if he doesn’t approach me , it means he doesn’t want to do it. So I turn off the switch(my desire) and wait until he comes near me. The times that I have tried coming up to him, he says he’s tired haha so I just wait for him to make the move now. Today I feel miserable and cheated. As I read the blogs I realize that we didn’t close this situation on a good note. My head wonders if he paid to watch these videos on his phone and when would he do this. I see his apology as a move to make amends and change but I can’t stop feeling sad and hurt about this. He’s not saying much to me either and I feel that if I open the discussion again, I will do it angrily and lose control . Putting everything in writing makes me feel better but I want to get advise and know what to do. Thank you
Been struggling with this the past few weeks, me and my husband are still fresh in our marriage. 3 months fresh, two weeks into our marriage I found out when we broke up he had slept with someone. Previous to our marriage I asked him if he had slept with someone and he said no, and found out later he had because he was scared to have an STD. And now hes lied to me about him looking at naked women on his phone. He set up an account on his phone where he can view browser history “privately.” He knows it hurts me, but still does it. Its not fair. I have done nothing wrong to him at all. And he keeps hurting me by keeping it from me. And then we stopped having as much sex!
My huge issue is I don’t want him near me, I don’t want him touching or anything. I cant have sex with him I just don’t want too. He makes me feel like I am not a woman and unsexy. There’s a man at work who gives me butterflies in my stomach and I know he has a crush on me. Its sad he makes me feel more of a woman than my husband because he desires me. And my husband doesn’t.
I am struggling with knowing if I should stay in my marriage of 20 years. My husband has recently confessed to me his porn addiction. He did the same thing about 10 years ago and we discussed it, I forgave him, and he promised to stop. He has not. Our relationship has been suffering and so has our (non-existent) sex life. It has blindsided me. I told him he could not sleep in our bed because I felt hurt and betrayed that I had laid in the bed alone while he masturbated to other women (not sure exactly what he has looked at). He left for a few days and came back. He told me I was supposed to hug him and tell him that it would be ok because thats what married people do – support each other. I just can’t. All of the resentment and hurts of our 20 years has bubbled up to the surface. I have sought therapy and he is going to see a counselor at a nearby church. I just feel like he wont change. He blames me for his depression and being emotionally distant which made him turn to porn for fulfillment. I am devastated. My skin crawls when he tries to touch me. I am repulsed. I feel like I am a bad wife for not “emotionally” supporting him. How do I do that and heal myself? How do I know when enough is enough and it is time to cut ties?
Hi all. Just come across this thread in my desperation. I am hurting so much. My boyfriend promised to stop using porn a while ago, but the other night I caught him sneaking downstairs with his phone to use porn – straight after having intercourse with me whilst I was sleepy. I am also pregnant, we are starting a family and life together. I have struggled a lot in the past with mental illness and now it is all flooding past. Can’t watch TV or even walk outside – when I see a woman, I feel so uncomfortable and anxious, thinking she could be the one he looks at, could be anyone. I feel compared and betrayed – I’m so self conscious I don’t want him to touch me or see my body, but I’m scared this will make his porn using worse! – he says he is willing to go to counselling & sort this out but how will I trust him? I don’t want to turn paranoid, checking up on his phone. I need some advice, I feel like everything has fallen apart. He is such a good partner otherwise. I was so happy for the first time in my life and now I’m shattered and alone. What do I do? I feel like this has taken over me completely.
Hello ,may the peace of Jesus Crist be with us .I was going to pour out my heart here aswell and talk about all of the feelings I was going through but I decided to text my husband everything I felt .I let him know that I understand that this sin has a hold on his life and how with time its getting worse and how I was pritty sure he was hurting too .I let him know absolutly every feeling I have .I let him know I was telling him this not to hurt him but because I felt so alone with no one to talk to about this .I also let him know that even though I was sure he was hiding a lot from me that I forgave him jest how Jesus has forgiving me and continouse to forgive me on a daily basis for my sin .I also told him that I balieve God can free him from this trap the devil put in his life as a child and how I balieve God can also heal my broken heart and how I loved him regardless .I feel much better after sending him this message I actually stoped crying and thinking about it .He didnt text back but this morning he gave me the bigest hug and picked me up and held me tightly for the longest time .When my hope seems at its ends when I feel that this is never going to stop .I remeber that Jesus is king he can free any repentive man from the devils trap .I also remeber that I can do all things through Crist who strengthens me .Im going to hold on to Gods hand tighter then ever .
Hi
My husband has been looking at porn for about fourteen years. It has always bothered me. He told me that it was because I was not available. I was going to college in the beginning of our relationship and very busy and stressed out. I spent a lot of stressful years going to college to try and make more money for our family because I new he was not motivated to do it and follow through, also because he has adhd. I felt the burden of this responsibility. We also had our first child in 2000. It was when we moved into our first house and shortly after we got internet in 2003. At this time I new he was getting on porn sites, I do not know how much because the browser history was always deleted, but I would find porn videos in the trash bin at times and naked pictures of young women 18 or 19 years old with perfect bodies. I didn’t really say anything about it other than I knew had been doing it. After I finished college I’m not sure what led me to disconnect our internet but I did. At this point my husband would steal my phone out of my purse at night without me knowing so he could use porn on the internet. He would forget to put my phone back and I would get to work thinking I had my phone from putting it in my purse the night before only to discover he had taken it out and I was without it. We eventually had to get internet back because my kids needed it for school assignments. It was at this point my children and one time or another walked into the living room while going to the bathroom at bed time only to find my husband on pornhub viewing a threesome. My daughter told my the next day that she say dad watching people have sex. My son also easdroped on my husband in our room watching porn. Granted my son should not have been watching, but at that point I noticed my son getting curious about it he was about 13 at this time. This led my to have to disconnect the internet again because I did not want to kids exposed to it. I have continuously complained about his porn use and he has completely ignored it. My husband got smart and got a cell phone so he can view porn on it. I started to watch a little porn to find out what kind of stuff he was looking at, I thought If i can’t beat them I will join him. I realized alot of the porn nowadays is actual simulated sex. the have the camera over the womens body just like you are the one having sex with her. I realized at this time that how close to actual cheating it was. I was completely devestated. I came home one day in tears telling my husband how this bothered me. I has always said that it is because i am not available, while this is true I have tried to have more sex with him, but after a few days go by after he was still looking up specific porn stars to view. I basically said that if this continued we needed to end our relationship. He said he will stop but I just do not believe him, I’m sorry to say that I do check his phone at time when he has forgotten to delete his history I have found porn. He also had 79 different pictures of naked women on his phone, when I see that he has a new picture of a naked women but a deleted browsing history I know he has been viewing it. I think I should leave. Help what should I do. He does not think it is bad and says would it be better that he cheat on me. HELP
I feel your pain so deeply……
A guys Response. My wife went on a page and found a bunch of girls i had hit like on from instagram. some of them were naked and honestly its made feel like a real sleeze. its hurt her bad. Honestly i hadn’t realized how many times id simply hit like. Ive sense gotten off anything that could show any photos like that. I have never had eyes for anyone than my wife and love her more than i could imagine. my problem is she won’t let this go and seems depressed all the time. On the other hand for three years I’ve talked to her at least once month because she has little or no interest is sex, maybe two or three times per month. sometimes when i ask her which is what she requires she says things like, I’m giving you a chance but it has to be right now, or if we do its just for you, or as don’t kiss me you just used mouth wash. its been emasculating to say the least. About a year ago i found by accident a vibrator and that she was watching movies like magic mike and 50 shades of grey. I know it was disrespectful to do what i did but the hypocracy or at least thats what it seems like is shocking. I’ve ask for 2 years we go to counseling and she flips out at the thought. Am i crazy and what should i do?
My husband had a problem in hie previous marriage with watching porn and looking at magazines or pictures in general. We discussed the problem and it got better for a year but now it has gone to an all new level. He is putting ads on craigslist in the personals and emailing with these women that respond to the email. As far as I can tell he’s hooked on sending pictures and receiving them and talking dirty to each other. I don’t know if there’s a coming back from this. I feel so betrayed and like in the article I feel like I’ve done something wrong that I’m not enough. I’m at my wits end. I don’t know what to do about this. I’m open to any and all advice.
Oh, Samantha, that is so sad and so not right! You really don’t have to put up with that. It’s wrong. It’s cheating. It’s wrecking any chance of real intimacy. I’d recommend that you read this post on 4 things to do if your husband uses porn (because the situations are quite similar), and do all four things. You have to get accountability, bring it in the light, and confront him. You don’t have to put up with it. You can do this.
I want more than anything to run away from my husband for this and I would if I did not have children
Everything between us is destroyed, and I find little emotional refuge in our common life since this happened
It’s hard I found out almost 3 years ago right after my son was born on accident I unlocked his phone and felt so sick….than I want crazy and I’ve researched everything found out he was cheating on me while we were engaged….it still hurts he did changed some things he very early watch it at home….but he is always at work 6 weeks and than 2 weeks home….i know what he watch every night and how terrible those movies are…..rape brutal degrading and even gay…..it makes me sick and breaks my heart…..he is like two man whom I cannot and don’t trust….i get long times when I pretend and forget but them comes realization of what is going on and it’s hard…..we have 3 kids together he is an amazing father and provider but I feel like I’m slipping down more and more….
hello! thank you for writing this article. my husband and i have gone around and around about his porn use. he knows how much it hurts me, yet he refuses to let it go. he says that its part of his sexual personality…whatever. i think what hurts the most is that he does know how much it hurts me and doesn’t care. he says that he’s been doing it since he was 12 and told hisself he won’t change for anyone. the other issue is that i’m very small chested, so when he looks at these women, hes looking at women of course with big breasts. he tried to tell me that with me it’s special, but with porn there are no feelings attached….well, sorry, that doesn’t make it okay, because how do i know that he won’t go to someone else. he can’t get big boobs from me, so he’ll just go look elsewhere, how is that different than cheating? to him, it has to be physical to be cheating. this stinks! i pray for him and this issue everyday and every day it kills me. when he does want to have sex with me, i feel like he’s just using me…like i’m just a warm body available until he get what he really wants. please pray for him and for me for healing. i pray that God will wake him up about this!
I’m so sorry, Melody. That’s terrible. Have you seen this post, on 4 things to do if your husband uses porn? It’s going to be tough, but I’d really recommend that you do those things. This has to stop.
I never thought I’d be joining in here. My husband of 34 years has been looking at porn on his iPhone. I suspected something was up and asked him and he admitted it. Even if I’m not in the mood, I have always made sure we have sex at least once a week. I am okay with masturbation because I do not want sex 3-4 times a week and I think it’s good to “clean out the pipes” so to speak. My husband is the nicest person I have known in this world, which has made this really difficult to deal with. He swears he will NEVER look at it again and assures me daily. We had this discussion years ago when he looked at porn and I told him I didn’t like him viewing it alone. Yet, here we are. I know he feels truly horrible that he betrayed me. I have had him read a few articles of how porn affects the wife and he truly cried and apologized. He had no problems with erectile dysfunction and was always totally aroused with our one-on-one sex. He swears he only looked at it for masturbation and for a few minutes only a few times a week. Still, I am so hurt and it absolutely feels like an affair. I have good days and bad. It’s like I feel I’ll forever be doubting him and checking his phone. We had absolute trust in each other before this. It has made me want to do something secretive. I still have days of anger. What constitutes a porn addiction?
When I was 13 I was sexually abused by my “boyfriend”, he would also watch porn in front of my while telling me I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t like the girls in it.. I have had severe trauma since then and even hearing/typing/etc “porn” makes me extremely suicidal. It is very hard to talk about this but I just need to vent because I am too embarrassed to talk about this to anyone… I feel like I’m stupid for hating porn
I have only been with him for two heads, but the man I love, am engaged to, and the father of my child watched*? porn.
He does not even have an addiction, it has happened maybe 10 times during our relationship.
The first time he sent me a screenshot and there was a pornhub tab open. He said “his friend sent him a link, he didn’t know what is what and he forgot to close it.”
There was another time where he did it while he was at WORK… absolutely disgusting. I have my largest self-harm scar from that day.
I have omitted most incidents, and not mentioned several times he’s lied to me and said he hasn’t watched it even though it was plain as day in front of us.
But this hurt the most.. he would apologize all the time and tell me “I have you, I’ll have a daughter, I love you so much. Why would I jeopardize that? I made a mistake before, it won’t happen again.”
And then at 8.5 months pregnant I found him doing it again.
I hurt but mostly forgave him the time I mentioned self-harming, but this one broke me. It has been 6 months and I have wanted to die every day. I don’t trust him at all. I am so broken. My daughter is the only thing keeping me here. I love him and I want to die.
I have been with my partner for 5 years recently s random woman walked up to me to tell me my partner was on plenty of fish and she thought I had a right to know , I confronted him he denied it we have s happy life or so I thought, in the beginning of our relantship he lied alot and cheated but I forgave him and for the past two and half years I have had no complaints until recently since this woman told me him on plenty of fish I can’t stop thinking about it I am checking his phone constantly on doing so I have found he is watching YouTube videos called beach babes etc I feel violated disrespected worthless I literally don’t want to live in this world any more their is no getting away from it sleaziness everywhere! I feel sick constantly I feel disatached from him now he was suppose to be my best friend I don’t know if I can get over this I feel like I don’t even know him anymore this is hurting.me so much I don’t know if I can get past this I can’t continue living like this I love him to death but he doesn’t care what he is doing to me my confidence is now non existent I feel I don’t want to live anymore if it wasn’t for my children I wouldn’t. This is hell you give somebody you’re heart’s and they have the power to ruin you’re life
I have caught my husband watching and manipulating himself years ago, about 6 years after marriage, then looking at pictures online about 6 years later, and now again 10 years later I found a video on his phone. I feel worse this time around and am dealing with depression and guilt. I am going to see a therapist next week to help me deal with the pain. I don’t trust him right now and wish there was a girlfriend I could talk to who doesn’t know him. He is a wonderful person who has always written sweet notes to me and always tells me I’m beautiful, but it’s stinks that one negative action can negate all the good in my mind. I feel like crying but won’t let myself give in to it. I want to call my mom, but I don’t wan’t her opinion of him changed and don’t want to burden her with worry.
Tracy, I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so lonely! But you know, it’s okay to talk to a girlfriend or two about it if you need support. That’s what they’re for! And, in fact, if you have couple friends, it may be worth choosing one couple that you both could confide in so that a man that your husband trusts can help hold him accountable. This does matter, and you don’t have to go through it alone. I’d tell your husband that you need some support, and then talk to him about who you both could talk to. If he’s honestly repentant, he won’t mind confessing to someone else. It’s an important part of healing!
It helped my dignity to dump all my lingerie and high heels. Now, I am dumping out all my skirts and pantyhose, except two beautiful items my spouse will never see. My spouse knows where to look to see that kind of clothing . I am a person, so I human dignity, like any other person. I now dress like a person. Oh, and if you ever think its your fault, I used to work at a lingerie store and I am a belly dancer, but this was not good enough. Its NOT yoir fault, so never harm or change yourself!
Porn is evil.
Two weeks ago, after 33 years of marriage, I caught him masterbating while looking at his cell phone. At first he lied about it but then admitted to porn use for a year and masterbating since he was a boy. It has been hell for me since then, he promised not to do it again. I thought our marriage and sex life was great, me doing the best as a wife and him as a husband. We’re both religious. me striving to be perfect in the eyes of God. But since then, trust has been broken, he seems broken and I can only pray to God that we can both get through with it. Two weeks of emotional roller coaster for me, cries of helplessness, sleepless nights, etc. are what I call hellhole in my life right now. I never thought he would do such thing. No signs no symptoms, just a loving and wonderful husband and father he was. Thats what makes it so painful for me. I often wonder what other secrets he’s been hiding from me. He wants to make our marriage work but the effects it did on me might be very hard to repair and not sure how long I can deal with it without leaving him. I may not trust him anymore but I know I trust God. I will surrender all to the Lord and let Him do His divine will for my life and my husband and hope and pray that something good comes out of this. I told him heaven and hell exist. Porn users who do not change their ways will go straight to hell when they die. That probably scared him.
I pray for all of us whose lives have been shattered due to porn use. Evil can be powerful but let’s not forget that God is more powerful! Pray always!
My husband and I were married for 45 years but he died of cancer in 2017. He was shown porn by his older brother, who I’ve never quite liked and now I know why. I found my husband with magazines when I was heavily pregnant in 1976 and he promised to throw them away and not buy any more. Then I found him watching girls urinating on each other in 2008 and my world split apart again. He’d been doing all the years in between when he’d promised not to. He said it was ‘healthy’ and every man did it but I knew that wasn’t true. My problem us that now that my husband has gone forever from my life that I can’t even grieve properly for him. It gets in the way, like a huge plank. What can I do? Just try to forget everything? But that was MY life as well as his and I feel it was all for nothing because I would never have married him in 1972 if I’d found what he did.
Oh, Lesley, I’m so sorry! That’s just awful. And so much was taken from you. I dealt with something similar in my podcast last week–one of the reader questions at the end. I hope it can help you.
Is it fair to tell my husband that if he doesn’t change I can’t stay in this marriage? We’ve been married 5 years and he has been caught watching porn a couple times a year every year since we’ve been married. And it’s not just watching porn but listing over females on social media. Not saying he’s only watched it a couple times, that’s all he’s been caught. I didn’t realize until this time around that it’s an addiction, it has to be. How do you continually hurt “the person you love” in the exact same way if it’s not an addiction. He’s finally coming to terms that it is in fact an addiction and wants to get help, thank God. But I want him to know how serious I am about this, I think I forgave way too easy every time before and maybe that’s why he never stopped. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get past this, I’m so madly in love with him but so extremely hurt that I don’t want to just move on without knowing he’s willing to change for good.
I get it, Felicia. I really do. Have you read my post on the 4 stages of porn recovery? That may help both of you to work through this.
I feel the same way.
He cheated twice before many years ago when our 4 children were lil.
Recently I found out he had been watching porn and don’t know if he’s pleasing himself while watching it and it hurts me to think about it.
I had just had my surgery and list my mother a week after and then found porn on my husband phone.
What a punch In the gut.
When can I catch a break.
Which made sense as to how he had been acting.
I don’t want to hear any excuses from him.
I been through a lot married with him and never did I turn to this porn crap or cheating.
I am this lil house wife taking care of the home and him and find this out :”””(I’m pissed and hurt and love him. Such mixed feelings.
He says he stopped and we seeked help from our pastor.
But I feel ok and find that I forgive him but then there is a day like this day and certain things he does that raises a red flag but probably is nothing just me hurt and not trusting him like I have.
I just found out this weekend that my boyfriend is watching porn. We have had issues in the bedroom for our whole relationship, including erectile dysfunction and him not being able to finish during sex.
I am heartbroken and I feel so stupid that I didn’t realize there was an outside issue before. The thing is we are both addicts in recovery from substance use, I am aware of addictive behaviours and how hard it is to stop something that has a hold on you. I am so angry and hurt, I feel like he’s been cheating on me with these images and it’s clearly affecting our sex life. I know everyone is telling me it’s not my fault and I know it’s not but my head can’t stop going back to imagining what he sees and feels when he watches and wondering why he can’t feel those things with me, I don’t know what to do, I am looking for a counsellor to try to rebuild myself. I told him I will not tolerate porn use and that he needs to do the spiritual work to fill whatever void he’s seeking to fill through porn. As far as this moment goes, I am so devastated. I know he’s ashamed and devastated too. I just don’t know where to go from here. I asked him how I could support him, he wrote a 12-step exercise on his use, and he claims it was just a moment of weakness. I don’t want to live my life being afraid of what he’s doing when he’s alone. I don’t know if I can ever truly open my heart up to him again. I hate that I’m punishing him but I know that I’m hurt and trying to protect myself. If you have any suggestions on who I can seek for counselling or a relationship counsellor who has a background in addiction and pornography I would greatly appreciate it. I feel so alone. Reading the other women’s stories breaks my heart, I feel for all of you beautiful women. None of us deserve heartbreak. We deserve true authentic love.
I’m broken and lost. Life feels meaningless right now.
When your wife refuses intimacy and staves you of viewing her body. Who has sinned first? She had the children she wanted and no longer needs you, how do you keep the family together?
Porn was my way out, I did not have to beg or pledge for the sight of seeing what God told me I was entitled too.
Wife’s think before you deprive your husband. Unless their is a Ouse which should never be tolerated.
Lonely husband.
Sorry, remind me again where God says you are entitled to see a stranger’s boobs?
Connor, this is why I love you. So very much.
My dearest friends husband passed away suddenly a short time ago. In helping her cleaning out his possessions, she found pornographic magazines, which totally shocked me and her and blew her away. I would never have guessed it. She is still in shock from his death, and now finding this is a double whammy. I don’t know how to help her deal with it and she is really hurting. What can I do?
Are there any online support groups for women dealing with their husbands porn use? It would be so helpful to be able to post on a forum type of page. Thanks 🙁