Yesterday we talked about how to talk to your younger kids about sex. Today’s guest post from J at Hot, Holy & Humorous offers some great advice for parents of older kids–how to begin, KEEP the conversation going and how to teach your teens about sex.
“Hey kids, gather around and let’s talk about sex!” No, of course, I don’t approach my teens that way. Instead, we have an ongoing conversation about sexuality in my home, because I want my kids to be well-informed, well-armed, and also well-excited about sex when done the right way.
As we raise our teens, here are ten things I want them to learn about sex:
1. God created sex, so it’s good.
Sometimes in our quest to get across the message that sex before marriage is bad, we communicate that sex itself is bad. But it’s not. Sex according to God’s design is a wonderful thing—a beautiful gift—and I want my kids to have that foundational belief.
2. You can always talk to me about this topic.
One of my kids asked me a question about something mentioned at school, but prefaced that friends had warned him not to ask a parent because he might get in trouble. Thankfully, I’ve made it clear my kids can ask me anything about this topic. It’s not taboo. God created sex, He talked about it (the good and the bad), and He put parents in charge of instructing kids. I tailor my answers to age and context and so on, but my door is open for tough topics. It’s part of the parent job.
(By the way, that question was about condoms. The friends had erroneous information, and because he asked, I got to provide better information, along with our biblical values.
3. Pregnancy and STDs aren’t the only consequences for premarital sex or promiscuity.
These concerns get drilled into teens’ heads so much. Many believe the worst, or only, consequences of having sex before marriage or having multiple partners is unwanted pregnancy or contracting an STD.
Yes, kids, those things could happen, but the scars left on your heart, the disruption to your future marital happiness, the disobedience to God—these matter so much. They may be intangibles right now, but in time poor choices can wreak havoc on your life. So make the right choice.
4. Birth control is not 100% effective.
Speaking of which, many expect to dodge an undesired pregnancy with birth control. Sure, we have some great contraceptive methods that couples have used successfully. But I could also sit down and make you a list of couples I know who got pregnant while using contraception. If a birth control method is 99% effective, that means that 1 time out of 100, you’re on your own. So don’t rely on it, and only make love in the context that could properly support a child (aka marriage).
5. Sex is more than intercourse.
What constitutes sex? Is it merely intercourse? Is foreplay fair game? When I was a teen, the phrase “technical virgin” meant you’d done just about everything else, yet considered yourself a virgin because you hadn’t done “the deed.”
I look back and think how utterly stupid that perspective was! Sex is the whole kit-and-caboodle. If you’re getting the least bit naked to do something with someone, welcome to the world of sex. Even purveyors of porn and erotica know this, so we really have no excuse. I want my kids to understand sex isn’t everything but, and that sex encompasses far more than intercourse.
(By the way, this is good news for their future marriage. There could be times when intercourse is unavailable, but they won’t have to give up being intimate with their spouse!)
6. “How far is too far?” is the wrong question.
However, that’s the question youth workers hear again and again when the topic of sex is brought up with teens. Teens want to know where the line is—how far can they go without sinning or risking consequences. It’s basically, “What can I get away with?” Which is not the attitude God wants us to have toward Him or His gift of sexual intimacy.
Rather, we should ask, “How can I honor God when it comes to sexual intimacy?” Framing it that way, some of our nitpicking questions simply go away, and it becomes clearer what we should and shouldn’t do.
7. If you mess up, it’s not over.
Activities such as dabbling in online pornography, chatting promiscuously in a chat room, going much too far on a date, engaging in premarital sex—yes, they are bad, but they definitely don’t make the unforgiveable list.
Messing up doesn’t mean it’s all over… and you might as well give in, and God’s already mad at you so what’s the point, and you have to hide your ugly stuff or people will know how bad you really are, etc. No, no, no! If you fail at some point, God’s grace and healing can cover our sins and both He and your parents are here to help you get back on track.
8. The Bible has a lot to say about sexuality.
It’s easy for kids and teens, and plenty of us adults, to feel that a book written thousands of years ago has little bearing on our modern-day challenges. After all, where are the verses about sexting and 50 Shades of Grey and the hookup culture?
But the Bible is relevant. There are direct stories of sexual sin and sexual love, as well as many verses about guarding our hearts, measuring our actions, and honoring others. If God’s Word is true, it permeates every aspect of our life, including the bedroom. You can’t compartmentalize, believing that “loving your neighbor” has nothing to do with treating that girl or boy in your arms with respect. So if you want to know the real deal about how we should approach sexuality, read the Bible.
9. More sex happens in marriage than outside it.
One might think it’s the opposite based on media, entertainment, and conversations. But studies show that married couples are getting more, and more satisfying, sex. If kids think the sex well is going to dry up the second they say “I do,” they’ll buy into the sow my wild oats theory before marriage, or put off marriage for fear of their sex drive going unheeded.
But I love what one newlywed man told our youth group: “I’m having lots of sex now, and I never, ever think, ‘Man, I wish I’d had sex back in high school.'” It’s kind of like Christmas, kids: It takes a while to get here, but the gift you receive is worth the wait.
10. Your parents love each other—yes, even in the bedroom.
My kids are well aware that marriage includes sexual intimacy, because they see it hinted at with their parents. Of course, they don’t have details, because that aspect of our relationship is private. But they see us flirt and display appropriate affection in front of them, and they know the bedroom door gets closed and locked at times.
They might roll their eyes at our hugs or kisses, but they also smile. It’s reassuring to know their parents love each other and that marriage, even as long as we’ve been married, includes true passion.
What do you want your teens to know about sex? Which tip speaks most to you (for me it’s #6!)? Let me know in the comments!
J. Parker is the author of Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives and writes the Hot, Holy & Humorous blog, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thanks for sharing! Good reminder that it’s not just about “the deed”. It’s about sharing an intimacy with someone else that really should be saved because it’s so special!
Exactly, Mary! Well-put.
My favourite answer when kids are pushing for a specific “line” on how far is too far:
“Remember, unless and until you are married, whatever you are doing is possibly with someone else’s future spouse. Show them the respect you hope your own future spouse is also being shown. ”
You can see them pulling the lines way back in their heads!!
(This is especially useful with teens, as opposed to young adults who are thinking marriage!)
Absolutely! That’s great. I often say this: If it would gross you out to see your parents doing it, you shouldn’t be doing it!
Nice angle! Thanks, Emily.
Hahahah Sheila!! That is SO good!!! I’m going to remember that one!!!
I like the list. In general, I think parents need to focus less on trying to prevent their children from having sex before marriage, and focus more on preparing them for a healthy sexual relationship for a lifetime. There’s a lot more to that than “Wait till you’re married, kid, and the rest will all magically work itself out.”
It’s true that we often give the impression that if you just get across the marriage finish line, you’re home free from there! That runs contrary to what many experience. We would do well to prepare singles better for a lifetime of intimacy with their spouse.
I don’t think my parental mentoring ends with teen-dom. I expect to help prepare my kids for marriage more specifically when that season comes. Thanks, Keith!
I think it’s also important to give your kids appropriate ways to express interest (or appropriate levels of intimacy) and build relationships with the opposite gender. Like “no, sex is not a good idea until you’re married. but holding hands and going on a walk provides a way to get to know each other with appropriate amount of physical touch.” But help them decide what is right and good by asking critical thinking questions rather than giving them a list of do/don’t do’s will empower them to take responsibility and ownership for their sexual lives and choices. Of course, help them ground those decisions in Biblical Truth.
Lastly, teaching them that they each are soley responsible for choosing whether or not to have sex – make sure they know they can’t blame their boyfriend or girlfriend if things go to far. (Obviously not in the context of rape. That’s a whole different conversation.) They each have the power to say yes or no.
True, Chantal. As to your first point, I wonder if it would help to ask teens a series of questions or pose various scenarios, since they sometimes accept things better when they come up with the answers themselves. (Of course, they would be leading questions…but yeah, you get the point. 🙂 )
I just had to post this one on my FB page! So helpful.
So glad! I think J from Hot, Holy and Humorous is awesome!
Thanks so much, Shannon!
I also want to teach my future teens how to chart their cycles so they can use fertility charting once married and ditch the chemical contraceptives. I wish I had known about fertility awareness method sooner. Good list!
I do wish someone had told me before, or even during, marriage that oral contraceptives can affect mood and desire. I suspect that’s a conversation we’ll have as my kids move toward marriage. Thanks, Karen!
I’d like to offer another alternative standard for “how far?” I eventually realized that my physical boundaries needed to leave my mind clear so I could make wise decisions. This means the boundary is going to fall in different places for everyone, but I think it’s practical enough to concretely apply. The problem with “how can I honor God” is you end up thinking you have to wait til the wedding to even kiss, decide you don’t want to wait for that, and then you don’t have a standard to go by.
I guess I’m not on that bandwagon of no-kissing-pre-marriage, so that question doesn’t bother me. I think you can honor God and kiss your boyfriend. But I understand that people’s standards do differ. Thanks for sharing your approach, Bethany. Blessings!
This is wonderful! As parents of 2 teens we have tried to instill these views and values in our children. Pinning this one. Thanks so much!
Thanks so much, Heather! Good for y’all.
I am in total agreement about your line of thinking. My parents handled conversations about sex just like this. Recently, my husband and I began the conversation about sex with our 9 year old. Of course this came after years of teaching them what their body parts are. I think that is where you start. I never avoided telling the kids that babies were made between a man and woman. Even though I didn’t explain the full process when they were younger, I didn’t make up stories about it. I was honest and told them that I would share the rest of the information with them when they were a little older and could handle it.
Thanks for this awesome post. I really love that you tell your kids that more sex happens inside of marriage instead of outside of marriage. That is the exact opposite that television and movies portray.
Yes, Keelie! Information should tailored to age and readiness, but you can always cast it all in the foundation of your values and God’s design. Well done. 🙂
My mother did a pretty good job with these.
There is one question that my mom didn’t address that I haven’t really seen anyone address. I’ve read blogs that (married) women have written stating that single people are sexual beings as well. Now I suppose this is true, and it’s very well for them to say. They’re married. But what does it mean? Literally all avenues of sexual expression are closed to you as single person. It doesn’t even really behoove you to think about it. Dwelling on it just cultivates lust or aggravates frustration. So what are you supposed to do other than feel extremely frustrated and then brush those thoughts and feelings aside?
That’s actually a good question, and I have a post scheduled for a few weeks from now trying to address it. I’m just not sure exactly what I’m going to say. I may let my older daughter write it because she had lots of good things to say when we were talking about it a while ago!
Maybe you could get someone who got married later in life, or someone who didn’t get married at all to contribute some thoughts?
I’m eager to hear what Sheila has to say on this subject!
My own thoughts are that it’s bit like when you crave something you really shouldn’t eat. You shouldn’t hang around it, dwell on it, smell it, put it on your plate, etc. But it’s a bit foolish not to admit that it’s tempting — to deny that you want it and one day you want to have it. So I’d say that singles need to recognize their drive and feelings, but then channel their energy in other ways, saving the moment they can “enjoy the dish,” so to speak, until marriage. Looking back into my single days, I think I could have done that, with the right motivation, boundaries, focus, and support. And I’d have been much better for it in the long run.
(By the way, I’ve always wondered about Jacob working SEVEN years before marrying Leah & Rachel. That had to be tough…)
What a great article. My hubby and I were raised with different teachings about sex and relationships, so I think these are great guidelines for us to go by when we are able to teach our kiddos about sex.
Thanks, Reba! Best wishes with your kids. 🙂
One thing I wish more parents, churches and youth leaders would share with teens and young adults is that “relationships based on sex are like diets based on cake: they won’t sustain you long-term.” My husband and I are very fortunate to have a large group of young adult friends. Most of us have been married 3-6 years, and the biggest thing I’ve noticed among young adult couples is that those marriages that began as sex are the ones struggling to make it work five years down the road. Jumping into sex before you’ve gotten to know the person spiritually and emotionally and before you’ve made a deeper, lasting connection as friends, will cloud your judgment and base your relationship on the “dessert” rather than the nourishment. We know a lot of couples who are struggling because their relationship started as sex, and now that they’ve been married a while and the sex isn’t new, they’re finding that their relationship doesn’t have a lot of substance. They’re finding that maybe they never learned to be best friends, they don’t have a lot in common, they disagree on life choices and goals, or they overlooked things that would have otherwise sent up red flags. And now they’re married to someone they suddenly realize they don’t really know (because it was all about the physical). But if we hold off on sex until marriage and we base our relationship on character and friendship and compatibility and emotional intimacy and all those things you can focus on while dating, once you’re married, the sex will come. If you both wait, you will have no one to compare your partner to (past sexual partners), and the sex itself will be an amazing journey of discovery that you share together and have the rest of your lives to enjoy. No one jumps right into sex being an expert, and when you wait until marriage and travel that road together, the learning can be the best part. And you have your entire life to learn with your best friend in the entire world as your learning partner.
So true! Thank you.
So glad you guys write like this. You give me a great resource to send my readers when they need specifics like this. Thanks for all you do.