Are all men perverts?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts below.
Today I want to start a short series on the lies we often believe about men, starting with this one: all men are perverts. Have you ever felt that way?
When I was nineteen years old I took a missions trip to Tunisia. There were 6 of us, from 4 different countries, and we visited several missionaries there and learned the culture and talked to lots of people. The problem was that everywhere I went in public, men touched me. Everywhere.
I’d be sitting on a crowded bus, and some guy behind me would reach his hands around and feel my chest. Or we’d be standing in a crowded bus and a whole bunch of guys would feel me up, and I couldn’t tell who they were. I tried to tell the people I was traveling about this, and the leaders of the team, but they didn’t do much about it. I think it was because the other women traveling with me weren’t getting the same attention. I was blonde and young and cute, and they, quite simply, weren’t. To talk about protecting me would be to make a statement on their desirability, so they did nothing.
I asked one of the guys to act like we were married or something, but he wouldn’t. And so I felt very alone. I’d wear a scarf over my head to try to hide my hair. I stopped making eye contact. Eventually I just didn’t want to go out to the cafes and talk to people like they were, and then the team would get mad at me for not wanting to minister. But I couldn’t take it anymore.
When I returned to Canada I had a difficult reintegration. I still couldn’t look at men in the eye. If I was walking on a sidewalk and a guy was walking towards me I’d have to cross the road. I stopped saying “hi” to strangers (and we’re Canadian. That’s normal). It took me a few months to relax and be myself again.
Fast forward twenty odd years and I started writing this blog–and with it I started to get emails from women in some serious pain. I’d get a dozen a day. And I’d read them and they’d be heartbreaking and often gross. Husbands who were into porn. Husbands who had done something to her niece. Husbands who had been caught photographing her best friend’s underwear. Husbands who wanted things that were gross.
When you read those emails day in and day out you start to feel like all men are pigs. And then my husband would come home from work, all happy to see me, and I’d bark at him. It got so that I had to stop reading the emails. My assistant reads them now and passes on the ones that she thinks I can use on Facebook or for Reader Questions. And she prays over them. (So pray for her! That’s a lot to have to read through). But it was tough.
All men are perverts.
I think we all go through times when we feel that way. Julie Gorman has written a book called What I Wish My Mother Had Told Me About Men: 12 Secrets toward Greater Intimacy, and one of those secrets is that all men are NOT perverts. Julie weaves her own story about why she believed that–abuse, promiscuity, and more, that scar the heart and leave you knowing you want to get close to men, but hating them in the process. How do you stop that feeling?
Julie writes like a novelist, weaving vivid stories into her chapters on the lies that we believe about men. And the book isn’t a self-help book as much as it is a Bible study, pointing us to passages to study, verses to consider, and prayers to pray to help us defeat these lies with the tools that God’s given us.
She knows what it is to feel like all men are perverts–just like you probably have at times, or do right know.
If you’re walking with a husband who is using porn, it’s easy to get sucked in. If you’re married to someone who has had an affair, it’s easy to start believing that lie. Or maybe you’re married to a wonderful man, but all the things that other guys did to you has just distorted your image of men so much that you can’t relax around him. You can’t let him be him.
And it hurts. It hurts because you don’t want to live like this, and you don’t want to feel this way about your husband, but what hope is there? You feel like you know the truth about men, and the truth is that they ARE gross. Men are perverts. Men do only want one thing. And somehow we’re supposed to give it to them? Makes sex seem awful, doesn’t it? I understand.
After years of blaming her husband and looking down on her husband, Julie realized that she couldn’t keep living like this anymore. She had an epiphany, and it went like this:
I could bash man’s design, or I could seek to educate myself about how God wired his body and desires differently than my own.
I could openly see all men as perverts, or I could view the men who sexually sinned against me as fallen beings in need of God’s mercy and forgiveness.
I could run away from the painful memories and build more walls of isolation and pain, or I could invite God to heal and restore His original intentions for my life.
I could masterfully concoct and strategize plans to protect my heart, or I could allow my heavenly Father to expose the wounds that ravaged my innocence since I was four and heal the fallout of men’s actions.
You face that choice today, too.
If you’re walking through life thinking all men are perverts, you are at a crossroads.
If you keep going down that path, telling yourself that lie (and it is a lie), then you will find yourself increasingly isolated, alone, and bitter. And that is not God’s design for you.
The truth is that SOME men are perverts.
Some men will use little girls. Some men will travel to Asian countries to rent out an 8-year-old virgin for the night. Some men will kidnap Nigerian teenagers to pass them around their camp.
Some men will stare at pictures of naked women being used. Some men will throw away a great family and a great marriage for a little roll in the hay with some woman at work.
And some–not all, but some–of these men are upstanding men. Some of these men are normally good guys, but they occasionally fall. They are tempted, and they don’t make it through.
Yes, some of them are evil all the time. But most are not.
And so we have a choice: will we define all men in terms of their temptations (and some of their failures), or will we see them as creatures like us, who sometimes fail, but who are, at heart, good?
For there is a problem with defining all men as perverts. When we do that, we define ourselves, too. We say, “I am going to be the strong one and put a wall around myself so that a man can’t touch me. I am going to keep myself from being hurt.” But when you keep yourself from being hurt, you keep yourself from being vulnerable–and vulnerability is a part of love.
I know many of you have seen so much evil in your life it’s hard to let go of it. But I think, like Julie, you have a choice. Will you let your past experiences impact your life now, or will you let yourself be free? Will you let yourself truly experience love with a good man who sometimes falls, or will you condemn yourself to a life locked up in a box of your own making?
God doesn’t want you in a box.
God wants to start healing you. You are precious, and if things were done to you, He is angry about that and He will avenge and there will be justice. But He wants you to know love, too.
If you’re struggling, why don’t you pray this prayer today:
God, I know that you created us, male and female. I know that your design is perfect. But I feel like you messed it up–like you made men to be disgusting pigs sometimes. I’ve seen it. And I don’t want to live with that constant suspicion and that constant fear anymore. Please, God, help me to see men through your eyes. Take my bad memories and show me that they don’t define me–and they don’t define men. Let me experience your love. Lead me through a journey of forgiveness and letting go of bitterness. And in your mercy, surround me with good men. Let me notice when a stranger opens the door, or smiles politely, or lends a hand. Keep my eyes open for the good. And keep my eyes open for the good in the man I married, too. Teach me to trust, and forgive me where I have let anger seep in. I don’t want it anymore, and I give it to you. Most of all, let me see the perfect man, Jesus. Let me see how He loved women and sacrificed for women. And let me experience His love today. Amen.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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I have talked with so many women who have had this same kind of experience, Sheila … the one you mentioned early in the post. But I’m so glad that Julie realized how she was generalizing and sought to change her perspective and attitude, especially toward her husband. It’s never an easy journey to overcome these faulty internalizations, but it’s so important to find the freedom we can have in Christ as well as with helpful therapy. Thanks for hosting and sharing such a relevant post, my friend!
As for all men being perverts, I agree. I also agree they can be good men as well. I am married to one. While he looks at porn obsessively, he’s a hard worker and does make an effort to show me love. I’ve since given up on competing with the porn. It does affect our sex life (he doesn’t have much of a desire for me) but it challenges me to initiate sex more often . I realize the problem is his and though I’ve researched every solution, it is to no avail because he refuses to admit he has a problem. He won’t even discuss it. So I resign to the fact it could be worse. Am I right or wrong?
Sorry for you, Mandy. Resigning yourself to your husband’s porn addiction is probably not the best thing. Is he willing to go to counseling on this? Regardless of the kind of addiction, outside resources can help.
Dear Mandy,
I have been in your situation. It hurts. One day I got so angry I decided it had to be dealt with. Somehow it hurt more once we told a few trusted friends. Because that made it real. You must ask your husband to stop. He must talk to some trusted friends and confess to them and ask them to hold him accountable. Sheila has some excellent articles on this. Other websites are also really helpful. You must fight to change your marriage to what God intended it to be. It won’t be easy but I will pray for you along with all the other women in our situation. Satan is stealing joy from our marriages. Don’t let him do it to yours.
Mandy, I posted a reply down the page that has a suggested answer to your question.
Hi Mandy. Sorry for what you’re going through. You need to visit with my wife – she was there. Up until about 4 months ago (and for the past 40 years for that matter), I was a pretty consistent porn user. After the last time she caught me and kind of put down an ultimatum, I began to realize just how much my porn use was hurting her, our marriage & sex life, my family life, my self-esteem, my relationship with God – so many things. I decided it was long overdue to face my addiction (which it was by definition), learn more about it, and deal with it once and for all (do a search on the Candeo program). It’s been a struggle with bumps along the way, but I can’t begin to tell you (and hopefully him, too), that I have grown so much in the past 4 months and that our relationship, marriage, communication and my own self-esteem and spirituality have all improved dramatically. And if that doesn’t give him incentive, our sex life has been absolutely INCREDIBLE – increasing both in frequency, quality and openness – getting to the point of true intimacy vs. just sex. Thankfully I had a partner willing to stand by me “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” and I made a coupld friends thru an online support group who could relate to my struggle, be trusted with confidentiality, and hold me accountable. For both your situation and in mine, could it be worse? Oh yeah, it could be and that’s how I felt, too. But now, I’m discovering how much BETTER everything is because I chose to eliminate the porn. Good luck and I’ll be praying for you and your husband.
Joe, you have given me hope & restores my faith in some good men actually being out there! My husband ‘gave up’ porn (after, yet again, being caught out & lying about it/calling me a snoop etc) around 6 months ago, but after an on line affair, perving and years of porn, I am very wary unfortunately. I can see clear changes in his demeanour, the way he treats me and how his relationship with God has improved, but my trust has been broken and I’m unable to fully believe the desire has been taken away.
Thanks Joe
I’d rather be alone. Thy have to share my home with a man who was into porn. He views those women as objects and doesn’t care what you think. Have more respect for yourself. Don’t let him touch you until he seeks out help.
As a husband I appreciate this since I’ve felt my wife thinks of me as a pervert since I want sex more or want to try something she doesn’t.
Also, radio host, Dennis Prager, has mentioned for years wanting to write a book on men for women titled, “Your husband is not a pervert”
I’m in the same boat. Was called a pervert because I said that I thought sex once a week was not unreasonable.
This was when I was 22, just married, an full of youthful hormones.
Apparently I was a pervert for suggesting such a “sinful” thing.
Now I’m in my 40s, still married to to the same woman, sexless (avg about 4 times a year). Recently suggested that maybe every other month was not unreasonable. That is, going from 4 to 6 times a year.
Apparently I’m still a pervert. oh well.
That in incredibly sad. I’m game for 2 to 3 times a day, and I’m a wife. What gets in the way of sex sometimes is that he’d check out women in the past or watch porn. He had secret facebook accounts to look at and flirt with other women. He said he stopped the porn, stopped facebook and says he doesn’t look anymore, but I can see it in his eyes when he sees and attractive woman, and I can just imagine where he goes to in his brain. Also, it’s sometimes unnerving when he closes his eyes during sex. If he hadn’t betrayed me from the beginning, I could tell you that sex would be so much better. Women need emotional connection before sex. When a man takes part in perversion, he is including other women in the bedroom. No wife feels comfortable with this. I’m convinced many women shy away from sex because of current and past pain–the feeling of just being a body to use, because I was there too. I don’t see sex, itself, as perverted. God designed that, and people have mucked it up. It’s time for men to get honest with their wives and turn away from all temptation. God provides a way every time. It’s time for wives to understand their husband’s need for physical intimacy.
Stephanie I feel your pain. After decades of lies, gas lighting and sarcasm I have had to leave. Closing your eyes during sex is a sure sign he is a porn user and off in his fantasy land…
what woman wants this? Porn addicts are emotionally vacant and only think of themselves…what a mess for future generations…
Sheila,
Thank you so much for this article. It has been a long while since I cried reading one of your posts. Very helpful and healing.
Praying for Holly 🙂
You mean Becca? My daughter? Just heard from her–she’s still on lockdown and she’s getting hungry, but there haven’t been any gunmen on campus! The soldier died, though…
Oh, I totally get the prayers for Holly reference now! You mean prayers for her reading my emails! Absolutely. I thought you were talking about the Facebook post I just put up at just that moment about the shooting in Ottawa and my daughter being on lockdown. 🙂 Sorry!
The majority of husband’s are good men. God wired them differently regarding sex and Satan uses that difference as a weapon. We have to remember who the enemy is. It takes a good deal of selflessness and love to turn our eyes inward to our own pitfalls. But, when we do it gives us a whole lot more compassion for our guys. Thank you for this article.
Great post! I think some Christians (my home church included) make a big mistake thinking that our men are perverts JUST BECAUSE they think about sex all the time and that’s “all they want,” even if they aren’t doing any of the perverted things mentioned in this post. But God designed men to think about and desire sex, so can we talk more about why that is? I’ve read a lot of the books in your current giveaway (which I LOVE, by the way!) But I don’t feel like they do a very good job addressing this issue. Thinking about God’s purpose behind the male sex drive in contrast to the female sex drive has completely revolutionized my marriage! Things like selflessness, reconciliation, breaking the Crazy Cycle (from Love and Respect). Knowing that my husband’s strong need for frequent sex actually teaches both of us those things (if we let it) is key. That’s God’s good design, to promote Christ-like love and put to death our selfishness. With that in mind, I think the male sex drive is pretty awesome… as long as a husband and wife continue to use it to cultivate these things.
Such a great article. So sorry to hear about your experience when you were 19. Those men seemed to not be equipped on any level to know what to do for you or how to protect you. They may have been fearful as well. It is encouraging to see that you were able to return to your normal pattern at home after some time had past. I know you can’t be totally prepared for any missions trip, but it is important for the seasoned travelers to come alone side of the younger ones and prepare them for the cultural differences in regards to where they are heading. It may have helped you to pray about how you would blend into the culture a bit more before you went on that trip. May God continue to bless you as you write such useful articles for the Kingdom.
Fathers and husbands who act sinfully repeatedly open us up to that choice: believe men are pigs or realize that many men are good, maybe just the ones in my life are not. It is almost easier to believe all men are pigs than to feel the crushing weight of knowing that the most men are good, and I am just unlucky in daughterhood and marriage .
I have often told God I think He was being cruel to women to make men like He did. I may need to read that book 🙂
Rachel, this is really insightful:
So true. That IS a crushing weight for so many women. So sad.
Thankfully, I have seen strong, protective men…as well as the perverts. Good men stand up for abused and harassed women, and I pray that more men will be encouraged to use their masculinity and strength to protect rather than take advantage. I think many fathers understand this when they feel an intense desire to keep their daughters safe from sexual and physical mistreatment. We should remember that all women are daughters, and daughters of our Heavenly Father.
Thanks for answering this charge, Sheila. Well done.
I’m so sorry that was your mission experience. So disheartening that your team didn’t realize how important it was to back you up.
I agree with your post, but I disagree with the use of the word ‘tramp’ in this situation. While yes, the woman is also at fault in that situation, you gave the man the respect of being called a man (albeit a man who failed in that moment) but didn’t show the woman in the scenario the same respect. Just bothered me a little.
Bothered me too. You don’t know her or her situation.
I just wanted to respond to the above thread re: the wife “giving up” on her husband looking at porn. I am in a similar situation in that my husband is an amazing husband and father, but he is not a believer and continues to look at porn, which has caused major strain in our marriage in the past and breaks my heart. However, he will not admit to feeling convicted about it at all and we still have an enjoyable, active sex life.
It has reached the point where it is not a battle I am willing to fight and cause stress in our marriage over. I do not consider this “giving up”, but simply realizing that there is only so much that I can do if he is unwilling to change.
I just thought I would throw that out there in case there are others in a similar situation.
I meant to reply to you and your comment, but it seems to be posted as a completely separate post below…
Hi Anonymous, I’ve actually written quite a bit for women whose husbands use porn–because porn is really dangerous! Here’s a post on 4 things you must do if you discover your husband using porn, and the top 10 effects of porn on your marriage. I hope those help, and I am so sorry that you are facing this in your marriage!
Thank you for the encouragement, Sheila, and I definitely agree that porn is dangerous and has a negative impact on our marriage. However, I have to say that I have been reading your blog for a while now and many of the things you suggest apply mainly to husbands who feel accountability to the lord and would heed counsel from a pastor or who would feel shame or conviction in the matter at all.
I absolutely agree that prayer can be and is probably the most effective tool in this sort of situation. I feel, at this point, bringing others into the situation would potentially do more harm than good, especially since there isn’t anything (currently) that i can point to specifically and say ‘porn is causing THIS bad thing in our marriage.” Many of the behaviors and actions that originally were heartbreaking and stemmed from his porn use have ended over the years as he has realized how much I absolutely disliked them.
It is mostly now simply something that I know he watches porn, he knows I know it… and that’s pretty much it. Would I stop it if I possibly could? Absolutely. But I don’t have that control over him.
I hope that makes sense.
You are right, there is nothing you can do, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Do the right thing, and emotionally dissociate yourself with your husband’s addiction, because it truly has not a thing to do with you personally. This addiction has obviously taken over this area in his life and i understand that is has its effect you, but it is not about you. It is a stronghold from Satan and should be treated as such. This is the time for battle. You can routinely pray over your husband, over your marriage & your home without ceasing (he doesn’t need to be home at the time). Go through your home with your pastor or some women from prayer group if you like, but you can do this on your own, go through and open up the windows and begin anointing everything with oil, you speak and demand the vile perverted demonic forces in your home to take their hands off of your husband, your marriage & your home and to flee in Jesus Name, never to return. Then begin to speak life and blessings over your home, asking Jesus to come in and to fill the empty places with His peace, love, joy and pure light. Plead the blood of Jesus over your home, a hedge of protection around so that nothing that does not celebrate & edify the covenant of marriage in your home will not pass through it’s threshold. Anoint and pray over a handkerchief to place under your husbands pillow, or under the mattress where his head lays. Pray over your husband’s mind and his thoughts. That the Lord would keep them pure and washed in the precious blood of Jesus. This is not the time to give up sisters this is the time to engage in battle, battle on your knees. Have people praying for you, for your husband and your family. You pray daily & perhaps fast if medically possible for you, even if it’s just a one meal fast that coincides with your prayer time. Walk through your home and pray over yourself, your family, over your husband. Speak life into your marriage. Walk by faith and not by sight. Speak aloud to the Lord God and give thanks to Him for your wonderful husband. For your Godly husband, that loves the Lord with all his heart, his soul, and his mind. For your wonderful husband that thinks on whatever things are true, are pure, are right… your husband that protects his eyes and his heart from evil. Find scripture to recite over your husband your home, His word does not return void. This is a spiritual thing, ladies, your husbands are in bondage and some don’t even know it. Only the Lord can convict the heart, that is His job alone. We as wives can pray over them, speak over them, and love them through it (striving to keep ourselves walking in pure Christ-likeness as an example) while God does the work. His work, in His time. You clean that house out and bless it, ask Jesus all up in it. Pray, asking the Lord to restore your marriage, your covenant with Him… and to renew your husbands heart and mind towards the things of Him. You can also demand all the ungodly soul ties to release and be broken from your husband while you are cleaning out and anointing your home. Then ask God to return everything to your husband that belongs to him back to him, and everything that was attached from the pornography goes back to the demonic force from whence it came and then goes straight out of your house back to hell along with any other demonic presence as they flee…. And it must leave in Jesus Holy Name. When you ask these things according to God’s will, and restoration of covenant is always Gods will, you have the promise that these things are DONE! Satan will try to make you think they are not done, but we know in Jesus Name that they are done. Again, keep walking by faith & not by sight… and keep SPEAKING. calling things that seem not, as though they were, because they are. In the spiritual realm the battle has already been won, you are just exercising your faith by calling it as so before it has fully manifested in the natural. Once you ask, it is done. Just keep praying, and keep thanking the Lord for what a fantastic job he has done with your husband and with your marriage. Give Him praise, Praise. and more PRAISE!! Trust me, you start implementing the things i wrote about and you’re going to start seeing change, things are going to start happening. It may even seem a little darker before the dawn, that’s your cue that you’re almost there… so, hold on, just hold on & don’t give up, cause it’s working, the Lord’s working… pray even more, speak life all the more… your breakthrough is just around the corner! For the covenant between your husband, yourself, and God Almighty has been restored, strong and true, into something far better than you could have ever hoped to have dreamed! God is sooo good. He is in the miracle making business, and i know, cause He made nothing less than a glorious miracle out of my marriage… Praise His Holy Name Forever!! 🙂
I chose to reply here on this comment, but this is for all the ladies with the same scenario. I love y’all and i am praying for y’all <3
This is exactly right. Good post GaBelle.
I needed to read this and so happy I came across this article today. My past has witness perverts. I was grabbed once and some nasty man stuck his tongue down my throat and fondled me once in my neighbor’s home. I witness someone close to me do things to my sister and niece that were inappropriate. And then to hear the countless stories from the news about perverts, well it makes being a mom hard sometimes not to worry, be suspicious, and guard her children extremely. I’m married to a good man and the other day I asked him to promise me he would never hurt our daughter. So foolish! Why would I even go there! My husband is a good man and I know he would never do that yet I put him in a position, asked him something stupid, he got mad of course and still is…ignoring me, resenting me all week. This is because of what I’ve witnessed. Please pray for me, to heal my inner wounds, to trust my husband because there is no reason why I shouldn’t. Pray for me please. Thank you.
God opened my eyes to something quite a while ago, but I never hear it preached or talked about. The reason a man is so powerfully drawn to porn is because God created men and women for relationship – for intimacy. When a man sees a woman naked and she has that look in her eye like she wants him, it plays on a man’s need for intimacy, but he doesn’t realize that’s what it is! Of course he knows it’s wrong – I’m not making excuses for men – I’m saying what men (and women) need to know is that a man craves intimacy because we are made in God’s image – but he probably isn’t aware that that’s what he’s craving. After all, intimacy’s a “feminine” thing. A real man doesn’t need “intimacy.” But there she is, in the picture, naked AND wanting him. Yes, the hard wiring is a big part of it, but if men would pursue true intimacy with their wives it would go so far in curbing the temptation to give in to lust. And – NOT to put the responsibility on women, but if you really WANT to help – act like you want your man! I mean in bed. I don’t mean hanging from the chandeliers and gymnastics, I just mean LOOK him in the eye. GIVE him that look that he so wants from you – that you love him wholly and want him wholly and are offering yourself to him wholly. Kiss him like you love him – not like in a porn movie – just that he is your world right then. You many have to teach your man what intimacy is – and is not. Be patient, it doesn’t come naturally, but I do believe it is the answer to a Godly marriage. (I hope everyone who reads this gets my heart and doesn’t think I am making excuses for men or placing any blame on women.)
Very true, Shawn!
Maybe if churches stopped promoting the idea that men are perverts we wouldn’t see them that way. Comments from the pulpit I have heard “Be hot for your husband”. “Be your husbands’ porn star”. “All men need is sex and food.” “Give him sex and he will be happy.” The church is setting men up for failure this way. Without realizing it, the church ahs adopted the worldview of men. Also, sex is not a ‘need’. You won’t die with out it. I also cannot find anywhere in the Bible that states men ‘need’ sex, or that is how God ‘wired them’.
While I agree with you, and also think Churches need to stop what you listed above (instead, teach what the bible says in 1 Cor and Song of Solomon, among others), but I think you ought to be careful with saying things like “sex is not a need – you won’t die without it”. It is true, you won’t die without sex. Its not air. Its not food. Its not water. I won’t die if I never have sex in my entire live. Believe me, I know. I’ve been in a sexless marriage for 22 years (about 6 times a year, if that, with times of YEARS of nothing). And I’m still alive, still breathing, typing here at this very moment, no denying it.
But -you- also won’t die if your husband:
1) Never talks to you again
2) Never holds your hand
3) Never kisses you
4) Never opens a door to let you through first
5) never does the dishes
6) Never helps clean up
7) Never helps with the children
8) Always watches football every saturday and sunday, ignoring you and the children
9) Watches porn
10) Calls you stupid, air brained, and worthless
11) Refuses to visit your side of the family at all
12) bad mouths your parents in front of you
13) Gambles, drinks, or smokes too much
14) Works 16 hours a day, hardly interacting with you.
15) ETC
If your husband does any of those listed above, you’ll still be alive, right? You won’t fall over dead as a doornail, right? Its not like he’s depriving you of food, air, water, or freedom. You might get angry, upset, sad, etc, but you will still be alive, correct? You won’t die.
Yet if your husband does any (or all) of those listed above, I bet nearly anyone wil say something is wrong with your marriage (or, your husband, most likely). A part of your marriage dies, even if it is just bit by bit, when stuff like the above happens. Even just one of those listed above, it does damage, correct? But you’ll still be alive. But something will have died within you, and a little part (or big part, like porn can do) will die.
Its also true that nowhere in the bible does it say men need sex, or we’re wired that way. Though I believe God gave us brains to think, and the scientific/psychological evidence of it is overwhelming, But its also true that the bible doesn’t say women need conversation, relational, or non-sexual intimacy, either. So I guess those are not needed either.
Yet the scientific/psychological evidence is also overwhelming that women need/desire those things.
I’m not trying to be mean, I’m trying to make a point. Its true, sex is not a “need”. A lot of stuff in marriage isn’t a need. But I believe the Bible clearly teaches that sex is an important, “needed” part of marriage. Just like conversation, relational, or non-sexual intimacy is needed as well. You won’t die without all of thes – but something inside you, a part of your marriage, will. and that damages marriages.
John. I agree with everything you said – and it was well-written, too, I just think you were actually way too nice about it. I’m not advocating meanness or insensitivity, I just think it’s safe to say, “Men need sex,” and “Men are created that way by God,” without being so worried about offending. : )
Well said, gentlemen.
yes I agree with what you are saying and I am a woman married to a porn addict. it seems that some men however, become so addicted to their porn habit that no matter how willing a wife is to be intimate, the porn is preferable…
so the lies and anger continue as he would rather look at a screen than be with a body…
no way to live..
I agree with a lot of the points made in this article. However, there are no good men. We have all fallen short of God’s glorious standard. I think we must be careful to not make excuses for men and referring their perverted acts to just “being weak or wired differently” etc. Yes we all sin and we all make mistakes but their must be some accountability in our lives. We all have freewill and we all make choices. We should not make excuses for perveted men. And MOST men are perverted. You do not have to look far to see it. Take a look at our society. The author mentioned the numerous emails she received about it. Men need prayer not excuses.
I have always agreed that men get to use excuses for all their sex habits.
I’m a female and i can guarantee you i have a sexual appetite that can compare to any guy. Its just that women have had to suppress ours for so long!
We are all equal humans with equal desires. I’m so sick and tired of men saying that they are “wired” to be “pigs”. That sucks if you don’t have control over yourself and emotions. That’s a weak human.
I too believed all men were pervert’s and past relationships made me have a strong hate for men.
After 22 years married to the most wonderful man, a man who has no interest in porn or a perverted sex life, I know I have been blessed. We still have a very healthy sex life and only lust after each other.
Not all men are perverts and that’s something I thought I would never believe!!
But we can’t speak for other women’s experiences. I have a dear friend who was constantly bothered by a male relative inthe presence of other male relatives. It was not stopped until she was almost grown.
That’s her experience and no one can deny that.
Sarah you are very blessed…wish I was not in this nightmare porn addict marriage..
but not for much longer…
Hi , I’m a guy from Libya (near the country you visited ) . I admit when I was young I was looking at girls and they were so attractive to me , I was felt guilty about it sometimes , latter I learned that natural when man grownup , since I’m from Strict society my parent never teach me about what’s relation between men and women , so the only education source was the street where you find every kind of Psyches and the woman most of time are object . nevertheless I was little bit different from them since I was educated reading newspaper/magazine reading books I was knowing that woman have their own will as I’m , and I never think to force women to do something never want , that include the harassment you talked about , this things make me anger more the women being harassment .
I remember one Jerk tried to harassment on co worker that I know her husband even that moron know she is married he talk to her sexually like she’s some ‘whore’ , that embarrassing for her , she didn’t find a word to replay on him (like she so weak) so I spontaneity asked him to focus on work to done , he looked very anger at me as I spoiled the moment (yeh not on front of me and not my friend wife ) .
I’m not that strong man but I know how to defense on my self and on people I know .
Even on men world there a lot of harassment if they find you weak they will never let you alone As once on middle school I saw my neighbor were insult by one of Bully told him to Kneeling under his foot , I just give him very angry stare that’s confuses him so he come to me and ask me why you stare on me and I just kept stare on him prepare myself to fight with him until other students come to solve the issue . since that day he never git close to that kid or to me .
So for woman like you you should not scare from Scum like what you saw in your trip , you can yelling at him as you can and say “don’t touch me” they are like Stray dogs if the feel victim stronger than what they thought they will leave you .
I don’t know if it the poor or the culture that make this thing happened on third world countries .
BTW I’m not good looking guy at all and most of time women scare from me because my face harsh looking , while I never touch or hurt woman on my life . and I know many men never do that , but it’s the 20% of men who do permanent damage to others . which you good luck .