It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own posts below. Today I want to tackle a really hard question–one that is left often in the comments. What do I do if my marriage is in crisis, but he doesn’t think it’s a big deal and refuses to change?
Here’s a comment, for instance, that was left yesterday when we were talking about the trauma of a husband’s porn use:
If he is unrepentant how do I set boundaries? I have read your article on 4 things a wife needs to do if her husband is looking at Porn… but if he isn’t to the place of wanting to be done how are boundaries set? Technology free hours would never fly with him. His phone took a dive into the fish tank last week and I was praising God. But he mailed it in and got it fixed, and nearly every night he would take his laptop and dissappear. And now the smart phone is back and it travels with him every where he goes. Even to the bathroom! He also deletes history.
I want to say first and foremost that I weep for women in this situation. A man who is throwing away a marriage to indulge in pornography is acting so selfishly and immaturely. Even though it is likely an addiction, it still makes me almost physically ill to think about this.
And I know there are men doing other things which are toxic to a marriage–gambling, overspending, refusing to work. I received an email last week from a woman whose husband, as soon as they were married, announced, “I believe that God will provide work”, and so he refuses to look for work. They now live in his parents’ cramped basement while she tries to hobble together what money she can while caring for the children, while the husband plays video games all day. And then there are the men who write in whose wives have refused to have sex for years.
These are horrible, horrible situations. And if you confront your husband (or your wife), and he does nothing to change or says he won’t change, what do you do?
I recognize that the vast majority of those reading this blog do not have marriages in crisis, and don’t worry–some “regular” marriage thoughts will be coming again soon on this blog! But I do receive so many notes from women in crisis situations that I thought it warranted a post. And because I rank so high on Google for certain search terms for people in crisis in their marriages, I get a lot of people in that situation here. So this post is for those who are in crisis!
Whatever you tolerate will continue.
I wish people could understand this earlier–even when they’re dating. If you tolerate a little bit of porn, it will continue until it’s a lot. Obviously we should never go ballistic over each and every sin, but there are some things which need to be non-negotiables, and I think being sexually pure and being responsible with money are two things that are essential in any marriage. I would not marry someone who did not have a proven track record on these two things.
But what do you do if you marry someone and then these things pop up? Or if you married someone assuming the problems would get better, and then they didn’t (hint: that’s a really bad idea).
You still don’t enable sin–you be a spouse, not an enabler. If you follow that link, I have an in-depth post on when it’s necessary to get some help in your marriage and to stop tolerating certain things, and I’d encourage you to read that first. Then come back here and we’ll call this a part 2.
Read: Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?
Get yourself some support
Something has to change. A man can’t be retreating into the bathroom to look at porn on his computer, all the while his wife knowing what he is doing. A woman can’t keep living in her parent’s basement while her husband refuses to work. These things must stop.
But likely if you’re in this position you’ve talked and talked to your husband, and nothing has changed. So what do you do?
First, get some support around you. That doesn’t mean that you confide in everybody under the sun, but find a few people who can pray for you and who can give you some wise advice and counsel. I’ve shared the story before of one older friend of mine whose husband had used porn for several decades in their marriage. They had gone to counselors, and he had promised to quit, but he never did. So one day she confided in their small group and in her pastor, and the small group came and helped her move out while the pastor had a meeting with the husband saying, “you need to get your life back on track, and if you don’t, we will support your wife.”
You need a church community that takes confronting sin seriously. Unfortunately, not enough do. To many Christians, the highest ideal is a couple that stays married–no matter what. Yet this is a misreading of what God wants. God doesn’t want marriage to be a cover for people having to work on their issues. God’s purpose is that we each look more and more like Christ. Yes, God hates divorce, but you know what He hates more? His children falling farther and farther away from Him and getting more and more sucked into sin. And when we tolerate horrible behaviour, it gets worse. I am not advocating divorce. I know the vow is crucial. But it should never be a cover for people to sin.
So find yourself a Christian community that understands the necessity of wholeness. That may take some time. It may mean switching churches. It may mean that you have to get involved in that church so that you have a natural group of people around you. It takes investment on your part to be part of community. But you need that community! This is a spiritual battle. You need prayer. You need people pointing you in the right direction so you don’t get bitter and vindictive. Search those people out!
And sometimes your spouse could need extra help too, like a counselor or even a rehab center. Get him the help he needs.
Get yourself a counselor
Likely you will need a trained person to walk through this with you, too. Most churches have a list of counselors they can give you. Some churches even have them on staff so that people in crisis don’t have to pay.
Own your boundary
Now that you have support and you know that something must be done, the question remains: what should you do to make him stop?
Right?
Wrong. That’s not the question. You can’t make him stop. You can’t pressure him to do anything. The only thing you can do is enforce your own boundaries, not his. And that means that you have to come to terms with the fact that he may not choose to change. Things may stay exactly the same, no matter what you do. Grieve that. Feel that. That is really hard to live with. This is why you need people around you, so that you know that you are never alone, and so that they can point you to Jesus.
So what is the real question? It’s this:
What is the limit to what I will tolerate? And what should be my response if that limit is crossed?
For instance, you may say, “If he is not actively looking for work, providing an income, or caring for our children so I can work, then I will not work to support him. I will work to support our children and myself, but not him.” Or you may say, “I will not be intimate with someone who is turning to porn for release. I will be the sole object of sexual attention, or I will not be the object of sexual attention at all.”
Let the law of sowing and reaping play itself out
The best vehicle that God gave us to learn to listen to him was the law of sowing and reaping–we reap what we sow. You see this throughout the Old Testament, when Moses, for instance, warns the Israelites: if you follow what God says, you will be blessed. If you don’t, you will be cursed. And this cycle continues throughout the prophets.
We see it in Galatians 6:7:
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.
We should reap what we sow. Too often in marriage, though, we disrupt the law of sowing and reaping, as Cloud and Townsend explain in their book Boundaries in Marriage. A man sows destruction by using porn, and the wife reaps the rejection and sorrow.
If he is doing something to jeopardize the marriage, then he must feel the full weight of that. That is God’s tool to move him towards repentance.
Please note, I am not talking about everyday sins, like being short with you, or not always helping clean up the house, or buying too many gadgets. I’m talking about fundamental things that are toxic to a marriage. (If you’re not sure that your issue is that fundamental, then talk to someone else and get their perspective!)
My friend Anna caught her husband Paul with porn, and her response was to gather her brothers and her father to confront her husband. They disconnected the internet, carted off all the equipment, and told him in no uncertain terms that he was getting help or else. They even made sure he went and saw the pastor and got in an accountability group.
Having an intervention from people close to you is a great first step, and for many people, this works.
But what if it doesn’t work? This may mean that you have to separate for a time. That’s a scary, scary thing. But not all separations lead to divorce, and I have seen many people reconcile after a separation. This does not necessarily mean that the marriage is over. But you have to be prepared for the marriage to be over. You’re not doing this to manipulate him; you’re doing this to preserve truth. There was no truth in a marriage where you tolerate the intolerable; you’re running back to God and relying on Him, and you’re putting your relationships right.
Please: do not separate unless you have first talked to some Christian mentors or a Christian counselor and pursued other options. Don’t take this option on your own, as the first step. This is HUGE. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and your kids to consult with others and get their support. If you do something without getting help, you’re likely to let emotions take over and do something really drastic from the start. And then you won’t have help! Let people offer you advice, prayer support, and emotional support. And then they can be there for your husband, too.
If I separate, can I move on with my life?
Quite frankly, no. You are still married. If those around you agreed that separation was the best option after other things had been tried, and you have separated, I hope you have done so not with the intention of leaving him permanently. I hope that this is to provide breathing space. Space for him to be confronted by God, and space for you to find healing. Rushing into another relationship cuts off the chance of healing of your marriage, and especially if you have children, you owe your marriage some time.
Again, this is where wise counselors around you can help you navigate.
(Note: There are exceptions–I talked to a woman recently who finally left her abusive husband after finding out he had sexually abused their teenage daughter. He went to jail. She remarried. He ended their marriage by abusing their daughter. Some things should signal the end, I believe.)
Be gracious–It’s the direction that matters
If someone has been addicted to gambling, they won’t lose that pull overnight. If someone has used porn habitually for years, successfully giving it up cold turkey is really hard. Focus on the direction: is he getting better and trying to get better with occasional lapses? Then take those lapses for what they are. They are temporary failings, but they do not mean that he is not committed to the relationship and that he’ll never get better. For most people it takes years for the lapses to stop entirely and for the pull to go away, but they can start going in the right direction almost immediately.
If the issue has been sexual refusal, and she (or he) is starting to try to have sex again, if they don’t seem into it, that’s not a reason to give up or get mad. Look at the direction. If they are trying and if they are humble, then give grace.
Final thoughts
I wish I had some magic answer: If you do this, he will change (or she will change). But life isn’t like that. I don’t know why some spouses get to the point that they don’t care what the other thinks.
But, please, no matter what you are going through, know that God sees and God knows. Know that God wants to help you through this. Know that you are not alone. And know that God’s desire is for two people who love and follow Him, not people who cover up sin and hide it.
Now it’s your turn! Have any marriage thoughts for us today? Link up the URL of a post in today’s Wifey Wednesday link up party!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you, Sheila, for being willing to tackle these very difficult issues. This seems like very sound advice for women who are dealing with very tough issues in their marriages.
Thank you for such a wise, gracious and godly response to some very difficult situations.
What great advice, Sheila! It breaks my heart also when marriages are in crisis. I’m so glad there are Christians leading the charge with sound Biblical advice and encouragement. I truly believe that for most couples (as long as there is not abusive situations like the husband/father you talked about), crisis really can come to an end with the right help and they can have a much stronger marriage. Thanks for a great article!
I caught my husband with porn over two years ago. He made promises, and said he would do whatever it took to fix it. He never followed through on boundaries or accountability, or even marriage counseling. Since then our marriage has been cold and distant. I want nothing to do with him intimately, although we still have sex about once a week. I have had no further proof of porn use, because there is a “private browsing” feature on his iphone, so I wouldn’t be able to see anything. My question is do I have the right to refuse sex until he sets boundaries and has accountability in place, even without proof? I know in my heart he is still looking at porn. I don’t let any movies come into the home with nudity or sexual content, and I installed net nanny on our home devices, but he is always on his smartphone. I am holding on to a lot of bitterness and anger. We both came from Christian families and met at Christian College. We had a few small instances early on in our marriage with him watching a lot of movies with nudity in them, but I didn’t actually catch him with porn until we were married over fourteen years. We are now coming up on seventeen years and have seven kids ages 15 to 3 months. I do not want anymore kids with him, especially with our marriage in shambles. What would you suggest in my situation?
Amy, I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It sounds like there’s been a heap of mistrust in the past, and you need to rectify that. I’d ask to see his phone. I’d just say, “we can’t have secrets between us.” And if he refuses, then I’d seek out a counselor or a mentor couple to sit down with the two of you. There should be no reason not to see his phone. So I’d start with that! And you can get accountability software for a smartphone. Covenant Eyes has it.
Thanks for talking about figuring out the crisis times. My marriage is not in a true emergency-style crisis, although we are struggling. I sometimes need to remember that. I recently helped a friend make an escape plan for herself and her kids. Unfortunately it took an event requiring the police to get her out of there, but at least she knew what she had to do then. If she hadn’t told me and a few others of her situation, she would have felt like she had nowhere to go and might still be in danger.
Here’s a link to one of my favorite marriage blogs, The Gottman Relationship Blog: http://www.gottmanblog.com/
Today’s topic is relationship violence, very timely.
I have been married 16 years to a wonderful woman. I through my dating years turned down literally 10 or more girls that wanted sex and I said NO WAY– IM WAITING FOR MY MARRIAGE– lots of tears and frustration of getting dumped right–
I met my God given wife- she on the other hand had numerous past experiences. I did not know this all until after marriage and she is VERY CLOSED BOOK to talk about this. I know she has felt really bad and such now that she is a Christian, BUT it really messed with my head. I thought that because I waited for my wife that Sex was going to be really great. Well not so much. She had lots of baggage and had already given herself away. She would never initiate and take part but just sometimes be available. Your kidding me I thought- I didn’t sign up for this. All those other guys got the benefit of her sneaking out at night to have some fun, and now I get the crumbs and left overs whatever that means. I prayed and asked God to help me BUT in all of this I really did struggle to have more intimacy. Because of how I was feeling rejected I fell into the sin of Porn thinking that would somehow help me mask my pain. I have not been addicted but have had periods of time where it has hit me hard and I have fallen. I have not talked to my wife about this as I don’t think she will understand how I have felt. There is never a good excuse for porn but for the first time in my life I can see how men can turn to that in search of fulfillment. I know she has been embarrassed and I have told her many times that I forgive her– but I don’t think she has forgiven herself yet enough to allow me to chase her heart and be the husband she deserves. I struggle with pain, frustration, jealousy when she is not in the mood and I feel rejected, and on and on. I want to be free from what I have endured and have a wife that is free from her stuff as well. If she would only be transparent and talk to me. I have encouraged counseling and she will not have it- she does not see how it makes a difference for us. Any thoughts from a Man who loves God, His kids and wife that I know is that precious little girl inside that wants and needs to come out and be FREE…
Darren, that’s so hard, because it sounds as if you both are in so much pain–she just may not realize it. She has closed herself off to intimacy, and she is suffering, but she likely doesn’t understand why. I’d start with telling her something like: I want us to be close and intimate. I want us to feel like one, but we’ve both messed up. I’m so sad. I don’t want us to keep going down this road of isolation. Please talk to me and talk to a counselor? I do have an article here you can show her. I hope that helps! It is so difficult, I know.
What a tough situation! and one that I always shy away from addressing…. I never want to say divorce is okay… but then there does come a time when enough is enough… and it’s just so hard to figure out where that line is sometimes. Here’s to hoping we can all just star far, far away from it and avoid the issue?? lol
I commented on a previous post regarding my (unbelieving) husband’s porn use and how I absolutely don’t like it, but tolerate it because I don’t have anything to point to within our marriage that it directly affects. Our sex life is active, he doesn’t refuse me to look at porn and I actually don’t even know when he watches it unless it’s at work, which is doubtful.
He doesn’t see it as a big deal, but is completely unwilling to give it up or seek counseling – which I take to be a sign of addiction.
I don’t at all feel like my marriage is in crisis (he is in all other ways an amazing husband and father), I don’t really feel ultimatums or no sex boundaries would be effective… I guess I’m just curious to hear a response to my situation.
That’s just really tough. It sounds as if there are lots of things you love about your marriage, and you have few options on how to deal with the porn. So I guess you pray and you accept that you can’t change it, but I know that’s hard. Drawing firm boundaries has a cost/benefit analysis and a risk analysis. I think for most believers the risk is worth it because you have leverage with the family and faith community to exert influence. But if it’s a nonbeliever you have no leverage, and the risk is higher.
If in the future, though, porn starts to really affect your relationship (he loses interest in you, he’s not able to perform, he becomes selfish and belittling), then you will have to deal with it. I’m sorry, though. Truly.
Thanks Sheila, that’s pretty much where I’m at and it is good to hear that I’m not doing something “wrong” by not making a huge deal about it at this point.
I think that if it were to rear it’s head in an obvious way I would definitely address it as a marital issue and take steps toward counseling, boundaries, etc, but for now I can only do so much, which is pretty little.
Thank you again for the response.
Man, I’ve been reading all the comments on the trauma of the porn addiction post you made. It has really been hard for me to read a lot of this stuff. I’m so blessed that in my husband’s porn addictions, he has been repentant and worked to quit. I can’t imagine being married to a man that refused to do what is best for our marriage. I’m so glad that you wrote this article, because I was not sure in my own mind what to tell women that have these problems. I had a friend come to me crying two days ago about crisis in her marriage. I sat with her and listened and held her while she cried. I just had no words for her. I didn’t know what to tell her. I’d support her if she left her husband, and that surprises me because I’m a huge advocate of working it out. I think that there are times when one spouse is unrepentant for their actions and refuses to work it out, what choice is left? I really take your advice to heart here. Thank you for posting. I have really struggled to know what to say to her about her husband.
I have been married for over 3.5 yrs, and with my husband for 7 yrs. In June, he told me he wasn’t happy and didn’t think we could fix things. All of his reasons didn’t add up. He had been texting another female from work a lot (I stumbled on this info on accident). I asked if he was having an affair, and he became furious and said he wasn’t cheating. Until July, he went back and forth about whether he loved me or wanted to be married. We are both Christians and grew up in Baptist churches where divorce is not an option. On July 7th, he moved out and got an apt. I have been going to biblical counseling which has allowed me to thank God for what I have learned through this whole process. I have apologized for everything and my inadequacies of the biblical wife God designed for me to be. I have told him I would forgive and work to restore our marriage if he will come home. My husband is not receptive and just wants to be alone. I am at a loss. I covet any prayers, encouragement, or biblical advice.
I have an a similar experience with my husband recently. We’ve been together for 5 years, although we just got married this July. All of a sudden, I found text messages with an old female friend of his, saying some unflattering and hurtful things about me. I’ve been having a really hard time with it and confronted him about the situation. He claims he was joking and that nothing is going on with this other woman and that he just needed to “vent”. I tried to be understanding, but it hurt, and I had to let him know that. I tried explaining that whoever you put your trust into, that is where your heart is. I’m really scared at this point that my new marriage is already falling apart. But, at the same time, believe that he really was just frustrated and maybe turned to the wrong person to vent. Not having that trust in him now is something I’m having a hard time dealing with. How do you trust again in that situation? All I want to do is check his phone constantly to see if there are any new messages.
I just hope we can get through it and he is honest and not keeping things from me. I don’t want it to result in a similar situation like Deb, especially since we’re only a few months into our marriage. Deb, I hope it all works out for you and your husband. It sometimes seems impossible to really know what’s going on in their heads with stuff like this. Best wishes for both of us and these situations to be resolved.
Gina,
I recommend praying about it, and God will give you the grace that day needed to deal with life’s circumstances. I do believe however, if he broke your trust, then it is not wrong to expect him to earn it back. A forgiving and kind spirit is necessary as outlined in Ephesians 4:32. Looking back, I wish we had more boundaries bc all that texting leads to emotional adultery whether it becomes physical or not. I will be praying for you and your husband.
This article is great! And I agree that boundaries are important. I wonder though whether the no sex is an appropriate consequence for porn use. I understand that it’s hard for a woman to have sex with her husband if she knows he looks at porn (trust me) but stopping relations seems like it reinforces the porn use because now he has no other outlets. I don’t have a better solution. Just trying to think it through. If anyone has other thoughts, I’d love to hear them.
Yeah, that’s a tough one. I think it really depends on the situation. If he is a habitual user who sees nothing wrong with it and refuses to stop, then steps need to be taken. If he is trying to stop but occasionally relapses, that’s an entirely different story. It’s a question of where the heart is at I suppose?