Yesterday I was talking about how our Christian modesty message can make women ashamed of their bodies, and pleaded for reframing our message: let’s point to God, not make rules.
Today I want to talk about how the purity culture message can leave women ashamed of sex.
To reiterate, I absolutely believe that sex is meant for marriage. I do believe that we should wait for marriage for sex–not only because God tells us to, but also because when we have sex before we’re married, we make sex into something only physical, and we miss out on the spiritual and emotional intimacy we’re supposed to have.
Yet I fear that by stressing to young women, “you must never ever think about sex or you’ll be lusting,” and “if you so much as touch a boy or kiss a boy before you’re married you’ll end up in bed together, so you shouldn’t have any physical contact”, then we inadvertently make women scared of sex. This isn’t universal; some women can grow up with that message and be just fine. But not all.
And so today, rather than arguing the point myself, I’d like to share with you two different emails I’ve had from readers, and then follow up with my own thoughts. This first email came from a woman after she read my post about how the purity culture can go overboard.
I’m 21 and I’ve been married two years. Two nights ago my husband and I FINALLY had REAL sex. Our wedding night was a disaster, and a trip to the doctor’s office revealed that I had vaginismus, a condition that makes sex impossible because my brain tells my PC muscles to clinch together. I’ve struggled with this for two years, as I’ve felt like a bad wife. I wanted to have sex by our second anniversary, and, by completing a program my doctor gave me, I can now buy and enjoy your 31 Days of Great Sex book!!
Anyway, the biggest struggle I’ve had through the last two years is trying to figure out WHY I have this issue. I’ve had a GREAT life with a wonderful upbringing, but apparently I was harboring sexual shame. I was not properly educated, and, growing up in the church, I remember how guilty my youth pastor made me feel just for having a boyfriend. Though I never had sex, I struggled with setting boundaries sexual, and now I’ve paid the price for the Christian’s obsession with how “evil” sex is.
Here’s another story from a woman who wrote to me after I asked for stories about sexual shame. She was active in a very conservative homeschool community. She’s now engaged. She writes:
I grew up saving my first kiss, planning to only have a quick hug at engagement and then only hold hands until my wedding day. I never planned to be alone with a guy. I learned to shutdown if I ever felt any bit of sexual attraction or sexual feel good emotions/hormones. I didn’t know how my body would work when I felt attraction and my sex knowledge was very limited. I didn’t even know all of my own body parts.
Because of my lack of education on sex, sexuality and the way my body would response I was sure that if I was alone with a guy it would lead to kissing and that kissing would easily lead to all of my clothes laying on the floor within about 15 seconds. It would be like standing on the edge of a cliff. Once you stepped off, even if it was a small step, there would be no going back. You would lose control, be unable to make rational decisions and fall into deep sin.
The first time I had a “real hug” from a guy I liked (he squeezed me, then put his arm round my shoulder and massaged my hand) put my body into shock for about three days. I felt overstimulated and my brain didn’t know how to respond. I was amazed that I was still in control and could still make choices not to have sex but I also realized that because I had learned to shut off any sexual attraction that I could barley enjoy the good feeling let alone reciprocate.
I began to realize that if I went from training my brain to be essentially asexual, rejecting my sexuality until my wedding night, it wouldn’t just turn on and work like it was supposed to. If a hug sent me into a three day shock what would it be like on my honeymoon?!
My amazing fiance never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to do. We have abstained from sex and will continue to until we’re married. He always asks before we try something “new” and always respects my choice. That being said we talked and felt that it was wise for us to get to know each other a little bit physically so I would deal with my fear of sex. We would still be considered “conservative” in our physical interaction but he began initiating little things like hugging me close, touching my hair, rubbing my back etc. Each of these things were introduced slowly and he always gave with the intent of bringing me happiness and not expecting anything in return.
For each new thing I initially could not reciprocate because I had to focus so much on letting it feel good and not shutting down pleasure. I had quite a learning curve, I felt and sometimes still feel shocked by simple new things. I felt like I should be naturally responding but that I was held back because I had repressed these feelings for so long (by the way I am 22). I was very surprised at the way my body did respond to feeling good… physical and hormonal changes that are natural when there is a combination of touch and attraction. I was also amazed at the fact that I was still in control and that neither of us HAD to have sex right then like I had always been led to believe.
I am so thankful to my wonderful fiance. He always gives without expecting a return. He was/is so patient with me, letting me talk through my issues and insecurities. Truly my sexual health is a priority to him over his own enjoyment.
I think each couple needs to talk about their own physical standards and these may change some as your relationship does but I would encourage a serious couple to get to know each other at least a little bit physically. Are there wise boundaries? Yes! But sexual attraction is NOT bad. Feeling good is NOT bad. Enjoying each other is NOT bad. Not all physical interaction is sexual and not all sexual interaction (like kissing) is sex. We are sexual beings… and that’s ok.
I appreciate her sharing her story, and I want to leave a few thoughts:
1. Physical contact does not necessarily lead to sex.
I have had so many emails from women saying, “I thought that if we kissed the clothes would immediately fall off and we’d be unable to control ourselves. So I was scared to kiss him. But actually, that didn’t happen at all. We could totally control ourselves.”
When we tell young people that any physical contact leads to sex, we tell them that their bodies can’t be controlled by their minds or their wills. Their bodies become the enemy. And that makes women especially disconnect from their bodies–seeing them as evil, and not wanting to let their bodies feel anything. That does not go away just because you put a ring on your finger.
2. Some physical contact can be a good thing.
Affection is natural. To deny any kind of physical contact makes your body seem somehow evil, and makes us concentrate so much on avoiding any stimulation that it’s hard to reverse that.
I am not saying that physical contact is necessary in a relationship. Not at all. If a couple decides they want to save their first kiss until marriage, that is totally their prerogative, and that can work very well for some people. The Duggars live by that philosophy and are very vocal about it.
The problem is that not everyone emerges from that kind of purity culture whole. Some may, but others end up deeply shamed. We need to be very careful that we are not legalistic about this, telling people that kissing or hugging or holding hands is somehow evil. It isn’t. The Bible says sex outside of marriage is wrong, but kissing is not sex, and kissing does not necessarily lead to sex. It didn’t for me, it didn’t for my friends who dated and married the same time we did, and it didn’t for our parents and grandparents (most of whom kissed before marriage, too). Even Laura Ingalls kissed before she was married!
3. When we teach women to avoid sex at all costs, then marriage can seem like rape.
I think this gets to the heart of vaginismus. If you’ve been taught to avoid sex always–that it is bad, and that it is wrong to feel turned on, then what happens when you’re married and suddenly you don’t have a choice? Now, obviously all women still have choice, and for a man to demand sex when she doesn’t want it is wrong, and to take it when she says no is rape, even if they are married.
But even if he doesn’t force her–even if he’s as gentle as a kitten and is kissing her and trying to warm her up–she can still feel these conflicting, scary emotions: “sex is bad, and yet now I have to do it. It’s expected of me.” That tension can cause her body to refuse. She’s not consciously refusing; but it is affecting her nonetheless. Even if it’s not vaginismus, she can find it virtually impossible to be excited, because she feels so out of control in an area of her life where she has always been told she has to have complete control.
How We Can Reframe Our Purity Message
If I could reframe our message, I would talk less about why sexual feelings need to be avoided, and more about why they’re natural, and how to channel them elsewhere. I would talk about intimacy, and how it’s best in marriage, rather than saying “no sex until marriage”. I would talk less about setting up specific, rules-based boundaries, and more about how sexual feelings will be inevitable and good when you love someone–and here’s how to pursue God together to make sure those feelings don’t take over. I’d try to say something like this:
God made sex to be an awesome way to bind you and your husband together. It’s amazing physically, but it’s also incredibly intimate emotionally and spiritually, too. And it’s that intimacy we were made for–we feel it intensely physically, but we were also created with hormones that actually “bond” to the other person when we make love. It’s supposed to make you feel super close to one person.
Billions of people have had sex, but not all of them have made love, because the two are not necessarily the same thing. And if you want to truly make love, you need to save it for marriage, because that’s what God intended, and that’s what He promises you. You’re going to feel a real physical drive for sex, and that’s perfectly fine, because it’s a reminder to you about the real intimacy you yearn for. Don’t worry if you have that drive; ultimately it’s a good thing. Just ask God to help you channel that drive elsewhere until you’re married because then you’ll be able to experience sex the way it was intended.
That drive is really intense, though, so be careful to create some boundaries so you can stay pure. But it’s okay to be attracted to someone. It’s natural. It’s part of being a woman/man. And one day you’ll find someone that you can share with completely. And believe me, it is worth the wait.
I hope I’d say it a little better, and maybe some of you have something you’d like to add. But I think telling young people: don’t have sex, don’t even think about sex, sex is bad, isn’t a good message, because how are they automatically supposed to flip that switch once they’re married?
There’s one other aspect of the purity message I’d like to look at tomorrow, and that’s the way we talk about virginity. But for today, I’d like to know: did the purity culture make you ashamed of sex? What are you planning on telling your kids so that they can have a positive view of sex, while maintaining their desire for purity? Let me know in the comments!
If you’re struggling with understanding sex and not being ashamed of it, please take a look at my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. It’s a fun book, and it explains in detail how God made sex to be intimate emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I think you’ll find it really helpful in dispelling some of the negative things you were taught!
Other Posts in The Healthy Sexuality Series:
Does the Modesty Culture Make Women Ashamed of Their Bodies?
Do We Need to Stop Using the Term Virgin?
Top 10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Culture
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
The second email is EXACTLY like my husband… He allows himself to have sex but he always has to have such complete control over himself that sometimes he can’t maintain an erection, he’s never had a real orgasm– ejaculation and orgasm are not the same!
My husband grew up in a very conservative, Christian familyHe was taught from a young age that sex was bad and that boys would like control over a single kiss. He knew from the age of 12 that he wanted to be a pastor/preacher so he did everything he could to keep hold of his control… and that meant shutting down his sexuality.
For a long time, I thought I was doing something wrong because I couldn’t turn him on. I read every book and magazine for tips on all the “right” moves… nothing worked except direct physical contact which isn’t necessarily a result of being turned on even someone who is paralyzed can get an erection without any feeling because it’s what their body was made to do.
I still struggle with insecurities relating to this but I have come to realize the issue is much deeper than me not knowing what I’m doing.
Does anyone have any advice on how to break the hold that his upbringing has on him?
I think that our youth pastor had a great analogy for sex that he used with the teens. He likened it to fire. Fire can be good or bad—-depending on the situation and how it is used. Fire in the furnace heats your home. Fire in a campfire ring is great. Car fires, forest fires, house fires, etc. are not great.
Sex is like that. In the bounds of marriage it is a great and wonderful thing to be enjoyed by the husband and wife. Outside of marriage it can cause great heartache, lead to STDs, unplanned pregnancies, abuse, etc.
Oooh! Love that analogy!
When talking to teens/young singles, it is also helpful to ask them how they would describe a fire in the fireplace on a cold winter night. Words like welcoming, cozy, warming, comforting, pleasant, etc. will typically be used.
Then have them describe a fire in the house that is NOT contained to the fireplace! Words like dangerous, horrid, disastrous, bad, terrible, etc. will be used.
Then tell them that the same is true of anything when it is used inside or outside of its proper place. Sex within marriage is beautiful, warm, comforting. Sex outside of marriage is dangerous. God has given us the proper venue to use this glorious gift!! I love the visual reminder that it is.
I grew up in the “just don’t do it” culture and no one really talked about sex because there was such a shame in even discussing it, evidently. One of the most precious things to me on my honeymoon turned out to be a Polaroid shot of us at our reception – it was a constant reminder to me that this was okay since I had proof that I was married!!! I can remember being very nervous even the day after the wedding and just so thankful for that picture that showed that it wasn’t all a dream. (No digital cameras then!) We definitely need to do more talking, and I’m determined that my kids won’t have the same experience!!
When I was dating my husband, we made our own decisions together about how far physically we felt comfortable going. All I had heard was sex is bad, but I didn’t realize how many things there are between holding hands and sex!! But my husband was wonderful and patient and whatever decision I made, he respected. After we had been dating for about a year, a family friend pulled me aside and asked how our physical relationship was. I told her it was fine, and she proceeded to tell me that if he wants to do more than hold my hand, he isn’t a good Christian boy and we shouldn’t be dating!! And that anything we do physically that arouses my (then) boyfriend is wrong! Foolishly, I called my boyfriend and told her what she said and that maybe we should start over and just hold hands. Well obviously we fought about it, and it caused a lot of unhappiness for us. I finally realized how ridiculous her rules were (though she meant well. She had been with men before marriage, before she was saved, which is why I think she had those standards for her kids). Thankfully we went back to deciding what we were okay with (with prayer and input from parents and respected adults), and we have now been very happily married for over a year. We still saved sex until marriage, and I’m so thankful that we did. He was my first boyfriend, and I was his first serious girlfriend, so almost everything has only been done with each other, which is a wonderful feeling. Thank you, Sheila, for writing these posts! They are spot-on!
This series is really needed right now. My girls have sat through sessions with well-meaning women who, in excruciating detail, explained what was and was not allowed in a relationship before marriage. I must have missed the Bible passages that discussed whether a guy could french kiss you before you were engaged or married. I am also fighting against a dress code that seems to shame girls who actually have breasts. It is no wonder that so many girls are so thin as to look more like ten year olds than teenagers–it must feel safer to them. We have little debriefing sessions to counter some of the stuff they hear elsewhere.
My mom, God bless her, was not comfortable talking about sex. The only “talk” I remember, though, was about how sex in marriage was a wonderful, glorious gift shared between two people. I guess she talked about the most important part.
I was a teenager during the courtship craze in the church, and then I went through a super strict church internship program with a lot of rules about how girls and boys could interact and girls were CONSTANTLY getting in trouble for being “flirtatious” or “having a heart connection” (although I noticed the boys didn’t seem to get watched as closely but that’s another issue for another day). The result was that I was extremely uncomfortable around guys for a very long time. I didn’t know how to be friends with them because my brain had been so highly trained to be so careful to not break any rules of interaction with them.
Do you have any articles that talk about issue #3 more in depth? As I was reading it, I was thinking, Oh my gosh! That’s me! I know sex is supposed to be fun, but it’s mostly just scary and confusing. And I don’t know how to explain that to my husband or what I’m supposed to do about it…
Sheila’s Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex would probably be a good place to start.
Hi Sheila, my upbringing and more conservative culture did not make me ashamed ..at least not in the context being discussed. I guess maybe because my African culture is generally more conservative compared to most western cultures and so erring on the side of caution or strictness is something I am familiar & comfortable with…i think 🙂
Also, I do feel that we can never fully understand or grasp the ways of wifehood and the bedroom before marriage. By that I mean that we can’t tie every bump and blues we experience in the bedroom to a “rigid culture movement”, because that’s not always the case, it’s just that we are learning new things. I know that’s not what you are saying here, you are talking about the extreme cases and people that have been hurt by them. But just thought to mention that because I’ve listened to discussions about the “damage” caused by “purity and high standards” but really, what those people are against is any form of self-restraint, caution and holiness.
I am with you when it comes to teaching about the beauty of intimacy and sex and why God wants us to wait till marriage. But i also feel that we should not throw out the baby with the bath waters, it’s still important to help define boundaries, for example for girls. (I think you mentioned that in a past post/comment). So it’s good to encourage both but major on the WHY..it’s what (why) I would want to major on with my kids as well (when we get ’em! ). It’s so much better when they have personal revelation and can think through for themselves, not just follow something semi blindly.
I grew up in an extremely conservative circle where you didn’t even hold hands before getting married. I got in trouble numerous times for not being “chaste” and “shamefaced” enough, (my own parents now attest that I never did anything inappropriate), and for being attracted to the guy who is now my husband. Being attracted to the other sex if you were not intent and planning on marrying them was a form of lust, is the impression I got from many people. Fortunately I had a personal relationship with God and saw that I was not sinning, but I was helpless to do anything about all the wagging tongues and critical eyes around me. I spent three incredibly miserable years repressing everything I felt and crying myself to sleep in anguish. God worked out the amazing details where my husband and I were able to start a courtship and got married. To this day I am amazed that I truly can enjoy the beautiful gift of sex. I know not everyone who has gone through similar things is able to, and it makes me both sad and angry. We have now left that circle. I hope I can give my children a much more healthy, God centered view on sex.
My take on this issue stems from the verse 1 Cor.7 “Its is good for a man not to touch a women.” Before I met my husband I use to wonder what exactly did this verse mean. Well, when my husband and I started courting I could remember just a brush up against me would send chills down my back(in a good way);) and if he held my hand it was like an electricity shock just went through my body. Now, I know why our parents, pastors and youth pastors warn young people about the dangers of holding hands and kissing before marriage. Some people say what is the harm in holding hands and kissing before marriage especially if you are engaged? Well, we should ask people who ended up having sex before marriage, who with all their heart was planning on waiting,and ask about the shame and guilt they must have experienced and for some the shame and grief of find out they are expecting. Then they do what they always held a deep conviction against, abortion. I personally am going to encourage my children to not hold hand or kiss, because I cannot imagine my girls and my boys innocents taken from them before marriage. We should let them know that the feelings or desires they have is not a sin as long as its pure. Because God said, ” be ye holy as I am holy”, and we can do all thing through Christ(abstain) and we need to teach our children why we have the standards that we have.
Dani, I am glad that the message of purity that you grew up with did not cause in you the fear of sex that it engendered for so many other women, but rather that it proved valuable for you in your courtship. I would like to note that not all people, or even a majority, necessarily feel such sexual power from the simple touches you described. For those who do, like yourself, stringent rules may be good. But for others, such contact may be quite innocent and tight rules create guilt, shame, and relationship friction where there is no cause for it. As some other commenters here have said already, one size does not fit all. I would also like note that holding hands does not have to start a couple on a slippery slope leading to premarital sex and abortion. This is point 1 in Sheila’s article here.
What would you say to elizabeth smart regarding purity?????
“It didn’t for me, it didn’t for my friends who dated and married the same time we did, and it didn’t for our parents and grandparents (most of whom kissed before marriage, too).” — I have had the opposite experience. My grandparents were pregnant when they got married, most of my friends have admitted to “fooling around to an unhealthy degree” before they got married, and a pastor friend of ours told the story of a couple he had done premarital counselling with – This couple asked about sex in session and they were the *only* couple he had ever spoken with who actually stopped at kissing.
I’m not saying that I think kissing is wrong for everyone before marriage, but I really admire those who choose not to do it. Perhaps the context and framing is what needs some tweaking?
I agree with writer of the blog about this topic so I didn’t feel a deed to write a response before I read Dani´s comment about 1Cor 7:1, and thought maybe it would be a good thing to tell a bit of my story and clarify this verse a bit.
My fiancé and I work as Bible teachers in Ukraine. Before we got engaged we had a clear boundary: no kissing. We dated for one and half years and I’m very grateful that we save the kissing for our engagement. I cannot emphasise how important I think it is for the couple to get to know one another deeply in a non-sexual way before they get physically involved. But as we got engaged we were happy to share a new level of intimacy that came with the new level of commitment. Now we have a new boundary: no sex (that is a lot more complex issue than just simply having an intercourse or not, like someone above already commented), because making love needs a new state of commitment and that comes only with the marriage. To announce our engagement I shared on Facebook a picture of us kissing. A few weeks later a co-worker approached my fiancé telling him that he needs to take the picture away, because if we want to work with churches we must know that kissing before marriage is not encouraged since it can lead to sex. He also quoted the verse in Corrinthians and told that the Bible says, “it is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman”. To respect my co-worker and the culture I changed my profile picture. But my fiancé and I felt unsatisfied with way of dealing with the issue.
First using this verse from 1 Corinthians is a bad choice because it’s taken out of context. If you read 1 Corinthians in context you understand that Paul is writing as a response to some false teachings that the church has heard. So my own very free(!) translation of these verses 7:1-3 would go: “You Corinthians have heard a teaching ´It is good for a man not to touch woman`, but for you married man THIS IS NONSENSE! If you don’t have sex with your wives that doesn’t make you more spiritual! You should have sex with our spouses, so that you won’t get tempted to have sex outside of your marriage!” That is why using this verse to explain that you should not kiss before marriage –not the best pick of verses.
Talking about saving yourself for marriage I would go to a verse in Song of Solomon. Out of verses 8:8-9 you can make a teaching that shows that sex within the marriage is awesome (because all the verse before that has been talking about it), but tell the young people: please save it for the marriage!
I understand that this is a complex issue. We are all influenced by traditions and cultures, and I think it is wise to respect those. But also each couple is different. Some people have more, some less self-control, so giving a strict rule doesn’t work. You can give guidelines of what is wise and what is not, but in the end each couple struggle through their own battles.
At the moment my fiancé and I (both individually) are reading a book called “The Gift of Sex” by Clifford and Joyce Penner that has been really beneficial for us concerning this very issue. They talk about sex in a very holistic manner and how it’s so much more than just a physical thing. I warmly recommend the book to all married and engaged couples who want to discover the God given gift of sex.
That’s a really interesting paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 7:1-3! Very well thought out. Thank you.
There is such an hush hush attitude toward sex in the church. That’s not entirely negative because sex is something so special and sacred. But often the lack of discussion and teaching around sex – especially in ministry to younger people – means that the church isn’t offering an alternative, Christ-centered picture of sex to what the world is vomiting out.
When you’re taught that sex in movies, songs, books and other influences is bad and dirty, but you aren’t given an alternative picture of the God-given gift that sex is, then obviously it’s hard not to automatically fall into the trap of seeing sex (and anything to do with sex) as bad and dirty.
I grew up in a very conservative homeschooling household, (LOVE homeschooling, btw), and I was taught from a very young age that sex = married people only. People who had sex before marriage were sinning, etc, and I got a vague talk about what it was, but only in the context of “this is where babies come from”. So in general, sex was bad. Finally, when I was about to turn 15 and starting to be interested in boys, I decided I needed to know more about this. So I went to the library and found books in the juvenile department on sex and puberty. It was helpful, but I felt ashamed and secretive the whole time I was trying to educate myself. We didn’t talk about sex in my home. It was taboo, like in most of the conservative homes I’ve been in. So, when at 19 I finally had my first boyfriend, I ended up letting things get out of hand. We never actually had sex, but I was so young and my parents had only told me that anything besides hand-holding was bad. I didn’t understand why kissing felt good if it was supposed to be so bad. We got engaged because my father told my boyfriend that either he put a ring on my finger or he couldn’t see me anymore. This led to four miserable years of engagement where I constantly felt guilty. Guilty because I thought God and my parents would be mad at me for any physical intimacy I had with my fiance, and guilty because he kept pushing for more than I was willing to give. Finally, after he cheated on me a few times (and I forgave him and kept trying to make it work), he picked me up, took me to his house, and unceremoniously dumped me. Then he drove me home and left me in my driveway sobbing and confused.
It took me two weeks of hibernating in my room binge watching anime to realize that I didn’t miss him. Not even a little. I started going out and doing things, and I began looking for other Christian girls who weren’t afraid to talk about sex and be honest. I got on Christian Mingle and met a wonderful man. We got married a month ago, just three and a half months from when we met, and I am so beyond blessed! We made a point to talk about sex and intimacy in general while we were dating and engaged, and being open about it has brought us so much happiness! We saved sex for marriage, and it is wonderful, worth every second of waiting. I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who thinks that making sex = “evil” is hurting many young people. I hope I can explain these things as well to my own children someday!
I wrote a blog entry about this same thing. See was never ever discussed in my house growing up, and when I was “of age” I was told that if I was having see my mother didn’t want to know about it.
I have REALLY enjoyed your last several posts, as they hit close to home for me. Thank you!!!
I grew up in a strict church that taught all these rules but I ended up not obeying them. I think we should teach just as the Bible says and not to stray from it. I also think that we should teach woman to cherish and see their own bodies as a temple of God not something to be ashamed of or scared of. When we see our bodies as a temple of God and what we see, hear, listen to, etc then we can monitor our own selves. Put in Godly things and you will got Godly things out. If a woman knows she feels like having sex when she kisses her boyfriend then don’t do it, the same for holding hands being alone Making out will probably eventually lead to sex so definitely don’t do that. Joseph in the Bible ran from Pharoes wife, we NEED to do the same. Weather it’s a co-worker, boyfriend or friend. If those thoughts cloud your mind and you feel tempted then run from that situation. Espessialy in this day and age where “sex” is everywhere we need to not compromise with the world and just say,” well everyone is doing it so it’s fine”. NO, it’s not, we are a witness, a window of Godliness for the world to see, we may be their only hope for salvation and if we blow it on our own selfish desires then shame on us. We are also a extension of the Church body, if one of us fails we all fail. Don’t compromise, be a Godly temple in every way no matter what, like the bible says, if your hand offends you cut it off. On the other hand don’t be so inward that you can’t talk to others in the world about Jesus but in all things have a balance of every day life so to fit in Boble time and prayer, that is where our strength lies in Jesus. “With God all things are possible”. And with prayer and Bible reading you can gain knowledge of places where you may need to work on and if kissing, holding hands with your boyfriend is ok. All in all if the Bible says it’s not ok then don’t do it, if you have questions first go to God in prayer then to an elder or pastor in your church who has wisdom of the scriptures and has been possible through what you might be going through.
A bit late to the party on this one, but AMEN infinity.
I can remember the first time I shut down my body because of what I was feeling. My husband (who at the time was my boyfriend) was trying to be funney and started to tickle me. I thought it was funney at first until the rush of hormones over loaded my system and I became aroused for the first time. I felt horrible, my body had betrayed me, and I never wanted to feel that way again. So for the next couple of years my sexual hormones were dead to me, they felt dirty and unwanted- i didn’t want them. Saying “I do” and having a ring on my fingure didn’t make it better. I struggled with Vaginismus hoping they would just go away, maybe sex would just stop hurting and I didnt care if I felt any pleasure at that point.
After having my baby the Vaginismus became unbearable and penetration was impossible. My husband thought maybe i just needed to be stretched back out so I agreed to try to force everything in. I tapped out when he started to push in, he thought if he was quick about it maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. He held me down and forced his way in. I NEVER wanted to have sex again after that.
After talking with my mom i got some help and used the dialators so sex doesnt hurt any more. I still can’t get aroused, I feel nothing during sex which frustrates my husband. I’ve been told “more foreplay” but even spending days at it wouldn’t help.
Pretty much my entire sex life has been out of duty, I don’t get any pleasure from it. I still don’t have any desire for sex, I just submit whenever he wants it and try to remember to initiate here and there so he isn’t always the one to do it. He asked me a couple of years back, said he wished i would ask for sex more (i feel like I stuffed it on my mental list of things to do). I guess if I felt something other than pain durring sex I might have a stronger libido (like one that actually existed).
Oh, I’m so sorry, Victoria! So sorry. I think the pain is a large part of it–if you can deal with the pain, then you can also start to deal with why you can’t get aroused. I’d really recommend something like the 31 Days to Great Sex. Just take a lot longer than 31 days to do it! But it helps us talk about our fears and talk about the lies that we believe about sex, and then it has exercises to help you get aroused BEFORE it tells you to start having actual intercourse. It really may help you.
I’d love to get your book. Sadly I don’t have the money for anything at the moment, money has been the main reason i haven’t been going to the doctor for many of my problems. There are days I wish all this mess would just disappear.
I too have vaginismus – I think the shame about sex started when I was 11 years old – I as attacked by some boys at school, basically pinned to the wall, undies removed and inappropriately touched down there. I was in shock and then a neighbour who witnessed the aftermath (she worked at the school) told my mum about this. Mum was very upset about it but was good with me. However all the neighbours on our street made out that I was ‘dirty and cheap’. The rumours had spread to high school (I started 7th grade 2 months later) and boys also thought the same about me. To this day I still have issues. I have been married for 12 years and we did go all the way once to see if we were ‘compatible’ as I had believed that I was broken. I felt absolute shame and even though it was only with my future husband and never anyone else, I still feel ‘dirty and cheap’ when I feel any sexual feelings for my husband even though I am totally attracted to him. For vaginismus I have seen doctors but nothing has helped.
In my opinion there are families that have this type of baggage from their traditional prejudiced past too: families that are jealous and are constantly bullying around because of their insecure attitude ? they don’t want to see their family member live a normal Christian marriage. that’s also a problem going around….. :/
The purity lovement shames guys too. We’re basically told we’re predators for having any sexual desures before marriage.
That’s actually very true. Too often it conflates noticing a girl is attractive with lusting after a girl, which are not the same thing at all. And that is very shaming. I should write a post just on what the purity movement does to guys!
Can you please shate your thoughts on what “lust” is?
Thanks.
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I completely agree with the dangers of the purity culture and needing to reword the message to be less fear-based and more God-focused. In fact, I was nearly in tears reading this because I’m finally realizing what growing up in the purity culture did to my view of sex and my sexuality. I’ve been married for 8 years and still struggle with believing that sex isn’t dirty or wrong and — heaven forbid — that I’m SUPPOSED to enjoy it in my marriage.
I grew up in a devout catholic home as one of five kids. My issues really come from how I perceived what was taught in catholic school and church. We heard all about Mary being a virgin but never about her having other children with Joseph after the birth of Christ. The message was always purity and left me with shame of anyone else knowing I had been sexual active. To the point I couldn’t even enjoy my pregnancies . The shame and embarrassment is still with me. It’s one of the many reasons I didn’t bring my children up in the Catholic Church. I wanted them to have a much healthier and more natural perspective on sex
Oh, I’m sorry! Yes, I never thought about how calling her “The Virgin Mary” could have that effect, but you’re right. I hope you’re still able to find God, though!