I’ve had some heavy posts on the blog, and have had some very difficult email questions sent to me. And then on Facebook I’ve had some happy posts that have gone really viral.
I’ve talked about when to leave your marriage, but I’ve also talked about how to save it. I’ve talked about a little thing you can do to turn a marriage around, and I’ve talked about what to do when nothing seems to work.
Sometimes I feel like I have whiplash, almost arguing diametrically opposing things. How can I believe that sometimes separation has to be used as a last resort, and yet also feel that the vow really matters?
And so today, rather than writing a “regular” blog post, I thought I’d take you through some of my reasoning over the last week, and point you to a few articles that are just so amazing–especially one not even written by me. (please read to the end to see it! It will be the best thing you read all year–I promise!)
Easy Answers Don’t Usually Exist in Hard Situations
Post I wrote this week: When Your Marriage is in Crisis
I once heard a line in a movie that said, “the hard thing to do and the right thing to do are almost always the same thing”, and I agree. Magic reglationship bullets have never been found.
Usually when a relationship is in crisis, what a woman (assuming it’s a woman who is hurting, since most of my readers are female) wants to know is “what can I do to get him to change”? If he’s watching porn all the time and ignoring the family, what can I do to make him stop? If he won’t get a job, what can I do to make him work? If he’s been texting an ex-girlfriend and is considering having an affair, what can I do to bring him back to me?
Nothing.
That’s the hard truth. You can’t make him change. The only thing you can do is to change what you are doing in response. When you change your behaviour, his will also adjust. And sometimes that can bring about reconciliation–but not always.
Nevertheless, even that isn’t an easy answer, because the way that you change may be different in different situations. I had one woman email me whose nonChristian husband was using porn–but he was still a great father, he was still a great provider, and they still had a good sex life. Should she give him an ultimatum?
And in that case, maybe not. It’s not always clear cut. And I get so many questions like that: here’s my situation. What should I do? But the truth is I don’t know, because I don’t know my readers in real life. I can give general principles, but I can’t tell you specifics.
But that’s why we need two things: we need to run to God and get used to distinguishing his voice now, so that when hard times come in our marriages, we’ll be able to hear what he is telling us to do. And we need to surround ourselves with a solid Christian community that can hold us up, pray with us, and help us make decisions in times of crisis. You need people who know you in real life. But to have those kinds of relationships, you have to invest in a church. You have to be a friend to someone else if you want someone to be a friend to you. You have to use your giftings and your time there, so that when you need help, others already know and love you.
Do you see? We need to be spending our time building up our relationship with God and our relationships in Christian community now, before a crisis hits, because that’s the only way to get through a crisis.
Easy Answers Sometimes Do Exist in Other Situations
Post I wrote on this: How a Simple ‘Thank You’ Can Transform a Marriage
There may not be hard and fast rules for what you should do in every crisis, but there are easy answers that seem to really help a marriage BEFORE it hits crisis. And this is what I so want my readers to understand: when we are intentional in the little things, showing love to one another, being kind to one another, understanding one another–we usually can avoid many of these crises.
I gave one example on my post on Monday of what Shaunti Feldhahn found when she researched thousands of couples over several years. Men say ‘I love you’, and women say ‘thank you’. It’s very simple, but it matters! Check it out.
Often these things are simple that can change the whole dynamic of our marriage. So please, before a crisis hits, be intentional! And then you may never hit that crisis in the first place.
Sometimes All It Takes is a Change in Perspective
Increasingly, though, I believe that most crises can be solved if we just get a change in perspective. Often things take on a life of their own because we get so wrapped up in our feelings that we aren’t able to see straight.
As I’ve been working on the final edits to my upcoming book, 9 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage, I found this article on Today’s Christian Woman that was brilliant. A woman was packed up and ready to leave her husband, when her mom made her make a list. It just wasn’t the list she thought of, and it changed everything.
I included the story in my book. It’s been a long time since I’ve read something so profound. And on Facebook, as of this morning, it’s been seen by more than 350,000 people.
The List That Saved My Marriage
Please read that. It will bless you. And if you haven’t joined my Facebook page, please do so. I share stuff like that all the time, and much of it doesn’t make it to the blog. So don’t miss it!
I so appreciate all of my readers, and I do wrestle with how to answer difficult questions. But ultimately I may point you in the right direction, but you need God’s wisdom to know the specifics. So please: invest in a Christian community. Chase after Him. No matter what happens in your marriage, He is always there for you and He always loves you, and His power is there to help you make the right decisions in difficult situations.
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Hi Sheila,
The blog has been a bit depressing this week. Sometimes its hard not to think that all men are creeps and into porn, or that girls are destined to be abused etc. It’s tough and I know that so many women are in pain over their marriage situation. My husband has been sober from porn for three years and its a daily struggle for me to not question everything, to not check his behaviors and to realize that his sobriety is ultimately up to him. All I can do is set healthy boundaries and trust that he is working his program and being accountable to the men that he has in his life. I agree with all that was said as far as a community. I do think that it is so important to have a group surrounding you. While I know that you endorse some specific programs (covenant eyes), sometimes I think there are some missed opportunities on your blog. I attended a conference of yours last year in Tacoma, WA. A lady asked a question about her husband’s porn use and I feel it was a missed opportunity with her. Women in these situations are looking for specific answers and as good as your blog posts are, they stop short of shedding light on true support. I remember that you told her to talk to her church or pastor, to look at the books you had brought etc. What you didn’t tell her was that at the VERY church you were speaking at, there was a weekly group called prodigals that has a support group for wives of husbands addicted to porn. I remember walking out thinking how much pain this woman was in and how brave she was to write down her question and that she didn’t even know that there was ready help, practical help right there! There are also SEVERAL celebrate recovery groups with support for women specifically in this situation. I would encourage you to put these resources on your website or even in the blog posts like your ones from today so that women know that they are not alone. It’s still awkward to talk to my Christian girlfriends about porn. The statistics say upwards of 60 to 75% of men struggle with this, and even though I know the stats are good that their husbands have struggled also, there is always that moment where they make it clear that their husbands would NEVER do anything like that. It’s not a lot of authentic community if you know what I mean. Nobody ever wants to talk about it because its really a deep seated fear, and we all hope that this never happens to us, but what if it does? These groups have been so helpful for me to know that I’m not alone. Here are the websites. http://www.celebraterecovery.com prodigalsinternational.org.
Hi Melissa,
I wish I had known about that group in Tacoma, but I didn’t! It’s hard for me to mention specific groups because not all are in every church, and some churches have one group but not another. That’s why I always tell people to get to know someone in real life and find out what their church has to offer. That’s really all I can do online. These groups are really local in nature, and all I can point to is online stuff, especially since so many people who are at the blog have nothing at their church (and because I have so many readers from overseas). So all I can tell people is seek out others in real life–and find a good church community!
But you’re right–it has been depressing this week a bit. Next week, I think, I hope to be more lighthearted! It’s hard when there are so many heartbreaking comments and emails. Sometimes I do have to deal with them.
Yes yes yes. This post is full of so much truth. I loved this line in particular:
“I can give general principles, but I can’t tell you specifics. But that’s why we need two things: we need to run to God and get used to distinguishing his voice now, so that when hard times come in our marriages, we’ll be able to hear what he is telling us to do”
We want someone to give us an answer, while our Great God is sitting next to us, whispering answers we haven’t tuned our ears to hear. We want principles, not a relationship with the Lord. Principles, even Biblical principles, are never, ever a substitute for the voice of the Living God. Teachers (you) are wonderful, and blessed by the Lord, but are never, ever a substitute for the voice of the Living God. Our Lord is active and speaks into our lives. We clutter our heads with the voices of the enemies and the voices of culture.
We have been made competent as ministers of a new covenant (2 Cor. 3). The Lord has enabled us with everything we need to follow Him and obey Him. People offer support, and strangers over the internet are even more limited in the support they can offer, but the Lord brings truth and life to situations.
Exactly!
Thanks Sheila,
I SO appreciate all that you bring forth. It helps that you are so open about these things. In fairness to you, the church missed it also. They could have made an announcement too! Thanks for continuing to speak truth about some very hard topics. Blessings.
“Easy Answers Don’t Usually Exist in Hard Situations” – yes, very true. Often in stressful, crisis type situations we can become our own worst enemies. We cannot get others to act in the way we would like them to. Others have to want to do the right (constructive) thing, we cannot force them. But, we can consciously choose how we deal with a stressful situation or a crisis. We must be careful not to overreact in the short term. It is so very difficult to keep a longer term view or perspective in one’s mind when the crisis is pressing on us and our emotions are erupting.
Sadly, major life mistakes can be made during a crisis. Thus, we must try to keep a cool head.
Thanks so much for posting about all of these hard topics. It has to be done. It is so hard to read about people’s marriages that are in devastation. Right now I’m praying through how to counsel a friend that is in a bad situation in her marriage. She has been there for a long time. Thank you for giving some guidance of what my position needs to be in this.
You’re so right that sometimes the answers aren’t clear cut and black and white. This is an inspirational post. I’m so glad that you pointed out that it’s hard to be on both sides of the fence, but yet stand firmly on both sides when situation calls for it.
Great post.
Thank you, Crystal!