It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today guest poster Abigail Alleman explores whether making love can actually be a vehicle God uses to show the depth of His love. Here’s Abigail showing us where sex and the gospel intersect:
It’s Easy to Be Blind
During the first couple years of our marriage that my husband and I went to a Family Life ‘Weekend to Remember’ Conference. There were fun talks from married people including some about sex. Considering my ‘mum’s the word’ upbringing regarding ‘intimate things’ I was eating all of this good teaching right up.
It was then that I remember hearing that women need to feel loved in order to be ready for sex. I clung to that and, at times, used it as a club to beat my husband away if he wanted to have sex but I wasn’t feeling loved…for whatever reason. Even if I truly wasn’t feeling loved, those who know my husband and what an amazing servant he is, can feel free to call those ugly moments for me. I know I do.
But if any woman is willing to be honest and take the journey to find what holds her back from giving fully to her husband–and ultimately, God–she will find similar things. When we say we ‘don’t feel loved’, at the heart is the shame and mistrust and rebellion towards God we inherited from Eve. We are afraid of rejection or having our weakness used against us, so we hide and cling to some semblance of control. At the heart we are cutting ourselves off from God and therefore can’t feel His love or anyone else’s. Sadly, because we are one with our husbands, they pay the price.
…And then comes the Gospel
And yet, in the middle of all of this is the Gospel. It is where God in Christ redeems, or buys back, everything. He rescues us and binds up our wounds through His own. We are transformed by this Love that entered time and space and a fallen world and gave all of infinite God to buy back the darkness.
Nothing looks the same.
As I have been looking at my own faulty views on sex, that unconsciously included lies that it is somehow dirty (even as a married woman) or ultimately for men, I have seen how utterly wrong and devastating this thinking is.
I have become convinced that the more fiercely the darkness clings to something, the greater its potential to be transformed into something totally new this side of Calvary. This is absolutely true about sex.
God wants to blow the top off of our limited, boxed thinking about His gift of sex in marriage.
And through transformed thinking and practice, send us boldly into the world with a message it desperately needs. It’s the one where sex in God’s bounds and for His Glory brings both husband and wife healing and fullness instead of pain and emptiness.
What Is Hard to See
Let’s go back to the truth that women need to feel loved to have sex. Did you know that the reverse is also true? Men have sex to feel loved. They probably shared this at the Family Life Conference, but it conveniently did not make it into my head and definitely not my heart. It wasn’t until after 10 years of marriage, three kids, international moves, and reading Sheila’s book that I saw the whole picture.
And when I did, I was humbled at the gift God has given me as a wife. Through giving myself fully to my husband in sex, I partner with God in the revelation of His love for my husband. I had prayed for years that my husband could experience God’s infinite love for him in radical ways. So when I read that my husband’s desire for love was expressed through his desire for sex, I was blown away. I instantly saw that his seeking of physical intimacy and my full open response are a tremendous gift through the Gospel where he can know and receive the love of God.
You see, it’s not just the sex, it’s the experience of it when two people have put their faith in the Gospel .
Recently, at a concert in a conservative Baptist Church, I heard one of the pastors describe the beautiful worship we had experienced in a way that made me think of sex. He said that for him, as a guy, he often lacks the language to express what God’s love and beauty means to him. But when he worships God through great music and lyric, his heart, soul and mind find satisfying expression.
I tapped my hubby on the shoulder and whispered in his ear, ‘Honey, that’s what sex is like for guys, isn’t it?’ He smiled at me in a way that told me, ‘yes, that’s just how it is.’
Why It’s So Important To See
I’ve heard a lot about my duties as a wife. Obedience to God is a key element in the life of the believer. And, yes, the Bible says that my body is no longer my own and as a married woman I no longer have authority over it (neither does my husband over his).
But if I stop there, I do an All-Gracious God, myself and my husband a great injustice. The chief end of my life is not obedience, but to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. My body, and my life, are not my own BECAUSE I have been bought with a price. Infinite God emptied of infinite Glory to make a way back to the Presence of God where I know as I am fully known.
In this, my understanding of sex, through the lens of the Gospel, is completely transformed. So are the patterns of guilt and shame or whatever may keep me holding back a body, a life, that is no longer my own. I am called to give it all freely to my husband so that in great beauty and mystery we experience the fullness of Grace and Truth that is meant to shape every area of our lives. In the consecrated act of sex in the sacred space of our marriage we BOTH are wrapped more tightly, fully, deeply into the only Love that remains.
The felt needs of love for me and sex for my husband are becoming, for us, one consuming desire to know and embrace and enjoy God together. It is changing everything for us. And I want that for you too.
Abigail says: I am wife to a wonderful man, mama to three precious now-little-but-soon-will-not-be loves. Each born in a different place–two states {Pennsylvania & Florida} and two countries {U.S. & Hungary}. I can now claim fluency in 3 languages: English;) Spanish & Hungarian. I am a sojourner longing for Home. Yet, in my messy and broken, I embrace the moments given with all I have. For the past few months I have been writing about my journey in understanding sex and sexuality in a series called Pure Passion. You can check it out here!
Thanks for joining me for Wifey Wednesday!
If the idea of sex and spiritual intimacy seems foreign to you, I talk about how to get to the point where sex is something more than physical in both my books The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and in 31 Days to Great Sex. I encourage you to check them out–don’t miss out on something this amazing in your marriage!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Once again an insightful article from Abigail. Opening our eyes to see the truth and beauty of God’s perfect design. He IS in the sex – but only between a man and his wife where desiring to submit to one another completely and freely in Christ. No wonder Satan wants to destroy it so badly. Thank you Abigail… AS always, I continue to follow your blog and your wisdom daily.
What a great guest post! I’m definitely going to be reading her Pure Passion series!
For me it’s totally different. Making love makes me feel loved. Which could explain my high sex drive and his very low sex drive. Wonder why this is? Why do I have to be different? It’s frustrating! Are there other women out there like me or did God make all women need to be loved in order to make love?
Hi! While it’s certainly true that women’s libidos are more emotionally focused than men’s, it doesn’t mean that we both don’t experience love through making love. It just means that, in general, we’re motivated differently.
That being said, in a marriage where sex isn’t normal and frequent, then a woman will, too, start to feel very unloved and unwanted, because she isn’t being pursued or touched or made to really connect. So I don’t know that it’s that your different; I think it’s just that in your marriage, you likely have the higher libido, and that’s causing a lot of issues and strain. I did write a series of posts on that topic, and you can find them here. I hope that helps!
Hey Still Waiting! You’re not alone! Just like you I have a higher libido than my very laid back, easy-going husband. For many years of our marriage I felt very isolated and unloved because we rarely had sex. I thought he didn’t love me. Lots of digging in the Word and time spent in prayer allowed us to understand each other better and I came to realize he did love me very much he just felt intimidated by my very obvious gusto for sex. There was even the fear that he wouldn’t be able to please me and the fear that I might reject his timid advances. The more I learned about God and experienced spiritual intimacy with Him I longed to do the same with my husband. Explaining that to my husband made a huge difference. We are able to be totally vulnerable with each other. His “performance anxiety” has been replaced by the knowledge that through sex we are creating a stronger bond. Truly feeling like one flesh and enjoying real intimacy. I prayed for you just now that God would allow you and your husband to experience each other the way He designed. I pray that God would help you feel so very loved!
That’s beautiful, Adrianne! Thanks for sharing that.
I though I might be crazy because I’ve often thought about how sex and the relationship between husband and wife could be “substituted” for how we worship God and the relationship between God (the groom) and the church (the bride). I might not be explaining myself correctly, but it’s like there’s a correlation between our sexual life and our spiritual life. Sometimes I’d think I was weird because these thoughts would come to me also while a speaker/pastor/preacher would be describing how God longs for us to serve him. 🙂