For every guy who has ever thought, “my wife hates sex,” or, even worse, “my wife hates ME,” I really want to try to encourage you practically today.
Usually I write this blog for women, but I do have a fair number of men who read it, and I get emails all the time from men saying, “my wife hasn’t had sex with me in months. She hates sex, just doesn’t think it’s important, and I don’t know what to do.”
One man writes:
Reader Question
What once (far too long ago) was vibrant, ecstatic, passionate and FREQUENT has become flat, robotic duty-oriented and only frequent enough to miss the definition of sexless. (yes, she actually brought that up in an argument once. She “makes sure” we have sex at least 10-times-a-year so I can’t say it’s a sexless marriage). This has been a downward spiral since we became pregnant with our middle daughter nearly 10 years ago. She had complications with that pregnancy, and I was afraid to hurt her, so we went for 10 months without sex. Steadily, over time, the variety of positions diminished as well. Now about the only “acceptable” position is with her on top.
Over the last year, or so, we’ve fought less and talked more about this and frequency is improving (on average about two or two-and-a-half weeks between encounters.) But it is still a major wedge between us. I fully accept responsibility for allowing our sex life to dissipate. I allowed myself to become bitter and selfish because my needs weren’t being met; deeply un-Jesus of me. I am working to die to myself and my needs, sacrificing myself for my wife in an effort to more fully live out the command of Eph. 5:25, but I struggle SO DEEPLY with feelings of resentment, anger and hunger for my wife.
She is in a very stressful season of life right now, and inasmuch as I know that frequent MEANINGFUL sex could help de-stress her, right now it’s just one more stressor on her to-do list. A messy, unpleasant chore.
And so I thought I’d write a post for the guys on what to do when your wife hates sex.
Figure Out Why Your Wife Doesn’t Like Sex
All of us–yes, even women!–were born with a sex drive. We were created to want to make love and to experience intimacy that way. Unfortunately, that often gets short circuited, and many women “turn off”. It’s important to figure out why. Here are some of the most common reasons:
- Sexual abuse in the past
- Feeling ashamed of sex and sexuality because of how she was raised (like some of the problems with the modern purity culture) or because of sexual experiences before marriage
- Simple exhaustion and busy-ness
- Physical problems (ie. sex hurts due to vaginismus, or they have low testosterone)
- Emotional problems (problems with vulnerability, letting go, trust, always has to be in control)
- Relationship issues (feeling distant from you)
Scenario 1: Relationship Issues–ie. Wondering, “Does my wife hate me?”
It’s really important to first examine yourself and make sure that relationship issues are not the cause. Do you feel like your wife hates you, or like your wife hates sex, because they aren’t necessarily the same thing. Many men on this blog say that other than sex, the relationship is great. They’re wonderful friends. But there’s no sex. For them, read below. But if it’s more this pervasive feeling like your wife doesn’t like you and doesn’t want to be around you, then that’s a bigger problem to handle.
Sometimes the issue is broken trust in the past. Let’s say, for instance, that you used porn and really hurt her, or you’ve both been fighting a lot lately. These problems can definitely cause her libido to plummet.
But there’s also good news here. If you can trace the root of the issue, then it’s actually easier to deal with, because it’s largely in your control. You can talk to her honestly, tell her you love her, show her in word and deed that you care about her, help around the house, tell her she’s beautiful, and make every effort to acknowledge that you recognize the problem and that you take it seriously and that you will address it.
This may take a while for her to feel close to you again, but if you persist, it will likely get better.
For most marriages where the wife loses interest in sex, though, I think #3–simple exhaustion and busy-ness–is the main culprit. It’s not a relationship issue, it’s not a psychological issue, she just never seems interested. She’s totally shut down. So let’s turn to that for a moment.
Scenario 2: Your Wife Hates Sex but There’s No Obvious Reason
Other than exhaustion, it doesn’t seem like there’s a reason. Your wife has time for everything but you, and you’re feeling really neglected and really sad and rather desperate.
I think this is the most common reason, and I want to try to explain what your wife is likely feeling.
Have you ever gone grocery shopping after you’ve had a big meal? It’s actually not that easy to do. You pick up something off of the shelf, and then quite often you put it back because you can’t imagine ever eating it.
When you’re full, it’s very hard to imagine feeling hungry. Foods that would normally tempt you–say, chocolate cheesecake–just don’t seem that alluring.
Many women walk through life with that kind of feeling about sex. But how can they, if they’re not “full”, so to speak? It’s as if their libidos don’t exist. When women don’t make love for a long time, their libidos often go into hibernation, because for women libido is a use it or lose it phenomenon. And when her libido is in hibernation, she can’t even picture wanting to make love. It doesn’t even compute. She can’t imagine your body feeling that way.
So there you are, desperate for sex, and your wife acts like it doesn’t even exist and it’s rather distasteful. In this particular letter writer’s case, this could very well be a factor. They were having frequent sex; then they went ten months without it and she never regained her sex drive.
So what do you do? You simply have to talk to her. Don’t give her a guilt trip, like “you’re my wife and you aren’t supposed to deprive me” because guilt sex is totally unsexy. You want her to feel sexy again; you don’t want to give her another reason to hate sex!
Instead, talk about intimacy. You want to feel close. You want to experience that with her. You feel as if you are missing out on such a great part of life, and you want to try. Tell her about the use it or lose it thing, and ask if you could even try to schedule sex, twice a week, for a month and see what that does. But again, talk to her about intimacy and having fun and joy and experiencing something together, do not talk to her about what she owes you, or about how frustrated you are. The more you talk about how frustrated you are, the more you sound like some lesser being who can’t control himself. I know that’s harsh, but when a woman has no libido, someone with a libido can seem pathetic, like they can’t control themselves. That’s why keeping the conversation focused on intimacy is better.
Share with her this post on why you want her to start the sexual journey with you
Learn Great Sex Tips!
Scenario 3: Physical, Psychological, or Emotional Issues She Needs Help For
Many women who hate sex do so for good reason. Maybe they were abused. Maybe they grew up in an environment where they had no control over anything, and they refuse to lose control now. Maybe they were shamed as children. In this letter writer’s case, I wonder if control issues also play a part. She had a difficult pregnancy (very scary for a woman), and now the only position she wants is the one where she is in control. She may have a few control/trust issues that she needs to work out.
These are deep seated issues that affect sex so much for women, because sex is an intensely personal thing for us. We’re literally letting someone else into our bodies. And our sexual response is far more in our heads than yours is. Yes, there are certain parts of our bodies that feel really good when stimulated, but they only feel good if our heads are in the game. If we don’t want to do it, we won’t feel good. We’re brain-centred rather than genitalia-centred.
If she has these issues, then, they need to be dealt with before she’ll ever be able to enjoy sex fully. She needs to get some outside help, and ideally that would involve talking to a counselor who is trained in this sort of thing.
The problem is that because she doesn’t want sex, she’s likely perfectly able to keep going through life just as she is. It’s you that’s suffering, even though she’s the one who is hurt. That means that she doesn’t feel any urgent need to get help. Talking to her again and showing her that she does need to address it is crucial.
But perhaps when you talk to her about it she gets defensive and breaks down in tears right away and starts talking about how awful she is, and then you have to reassure her and you never get anywhere. That’s a very common scenario, too.
In that case, I’d take this tack with her:
“Honey, I’m not going to divorce you. Stop saying that. That’s a copout. You’re trying to push me away so that you don’t have to deal with your issues. I am not leaving. I am not going anywhere. But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to stand back and see you punishing yourself like this. For whatever reason, you are determined to live a small life and lose out on some of the huge blessings that God wants to give you. What kind of husband would I be if I let you do that? I’m responsible before God for you. He will hold me accountable for how I treated you. And when you push me away, or say that you just can’t work on this, that it’s too hard on you, I understand, but it’s not good enough. What you’re really saying is, “God created me for an abundant life, but He didn’t really mean it. He meant it for everyone but me. He made me broken.” And He didn’t.
What this really comes down to, honey, is an issue of faith, not an issue of sex. Do you believe that God is good? Do you believe that God loves you? Do you believe that God wants the best for you? Because if He does, then He wants to bless our marriage. And He wants us to feel really intimate. And He wants us to feel like we’re truly connected. You’re walling yourself off because you’re afraid to be vulnerable. And when you do that, you can’t grow. So you’re copping out on God, too.”
I know that may sound harsh for you to say to her, but it’s the truth.
And then try this,
“Honey, for the next two months, I don’t want to talk about sex or concentrate on sex. What I want to do is really work on our spiritual intimacy. As your husband, I want to pray over you every night, and ask God to bless you. I want to read Scripture with you every night, even if it’s just a chapter. And I want to pray together with you for our kids.
And in those two months, I’d like to pay for you to see a counselor. I’ll go too if you want, but I’d really like you to find someone to talk to so that we can get to the root of this. I don’t want to see you living your life small. I want you to live a life full of passion in every way, and I think God wants that for you, too”
Now counselors cost quite a bit–often $100 an hour. But let’s say that your wife needs 12-15 sessions. That’s $1500. Is that a lot? Yep. But as an investment in your marriage? It’s priceless. If you can afford it, please do, and tell her that she shouldn’t feel badly about the money.
And if it’s not a counselor she needs, perhaps it’s just a doctor to check her testosterone levels, or an ob/gyn or Christian sex therapist to help her through vaginismus (pain during sex) issues. Whoever she should go to, do your research and have it all figured out.
As for how you act during those two months, pray a lot. Eventually work up to just holding each other, naked, without having sex. Let her start to feel close to you and accepted by you and intimate. And don’t give up! Keep telling her that no matter how hard she pushes you away, you’re going to fight for her.
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Scenario 4: She Won’t Get Outside Help
You’ve talked to her. You’ve prayed over her. And she absolutely refuses to get help.
At this point it’s likely time to involve a third party. She is hurting herself. God created us for passion, and she is unable to feel it. As her husband, you are responsible for her, and you do need to help her find that healing.
So insist that you talk to a counselor or pastor together. Insist that she get help. If she won’t, talk to a pastor or counselor yourself and ask the best way to handle this. Talk to a few select men that you can trust to pray with you and figure out a strategy. But leaving it alone is not a good idea, because God wants healing for her. He wants love and intimacy for you. And He wants your kids to witness a vibrant marriage.
Where to Go Now
A few more thoughts. If your wife has never seen sex as a positive thing, she may benefit from reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. It explains how sex is far more than physical, and shows how it can actually be a beautiful, intimate thing. Many women have written me saying that they always felt sex was somehow dirty, but after reading it, they understand it so much better now. That may help her.
And if you are ready to start again, the 31 Days to Great Sex challenge can help you ease into things. You don’t have to have sex for 31 days straight; many of the challenges aren’t sex, but are learning how to flirt again, how to be affectionate again, how to talk about sex. And you can stretch it out for more than 31 days. I do talk about libido differences and how to deal with them, and how to see sex in a positive framework. So it can be a fun one to work through.
Couples have told me that the best thing about the book is that they could finally talk about sex again! Sure, the challenges were fun, but finally they were able to open up to each other and have those real conversations!
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I want to say to you guys dealing with this, I understand how hard it is. I’m sorry you’re walking through this. You are not alone. God does want more for your marriage. And I pray that something I said can help you find it.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila…thank you for speaking to the guys out here. It DOES
feel super lonley. It starts messing with our head, as if we’ve done something wrong or she’s attracted to someone else…or just not me anymore. Please keep sending out your encouragement and advice! It helps me and helps my marriage more than you know!
You’re so welcome, Ed. And honestly, for many women it’s not that they don’t love you or that they want someone else. It’s just that the desire is gone. They still totally love you–but they don’t feel like showing it that way. It’s really hard.
I married my wife more than three years ago; we are both Christians and did not want to have sex before marriage; so we chose not to. Yes, we did some exploring but never had sex. Three years after marriage, my wife is still uncomfortable with sex, cannot take me at all really; and i believe her hymen is still unbroken (we were both virgins before marriage). I am 51 and she is 45 — we married when she was 42 and i was 48. We had a very long courtship (she is Singaporean Chinese and I am a Caucasian Canadian) of almost twelve years due to our locations primarily and also because we really wanted to be sure we were never going to divorce and remarry, as we don’t believe in that. I think our situation is quite sad. I wanted to have children since i was in my twenties; but several years after i was dating my wife and we were living together for awhile, she announced suddenly that she did not want children. This was a shock to me because she had not made this clear at all in the previous six years we had known one another. Now i feel terribly cheated because she dislikes sex (we have never had penetrative sex in the twelve years i have known her) and on top of that i will never likely have children. In her defense, for many years i had a problem with porn. I chose to not marry her until i had that under control, or had lost interest (another reason for the long delay before marriage). Now i feel we are in a hopeless position, where we love one another but i know i will never have children and i am tempted to chase younger women who ‘could’ give me that — but of course, i cannot ever make that choice since divorce and remarriage is adultery in Jesus’ words; no matter what the liberal churches say today. I am also tempted to chase after other women because of our issue with sex. The church is of no help in this matter because they cannot be approached: Chinese culture is extremely insular and even on critical issues, Chinese will only trust Chinese and even then, will never mention family secrets like this due to the fear of being mocked (losing ‘face’). As a Westerner, i feel my life has become derailed and that i will need to leave my wife to herself in a sense, so that -, even if we never have children (and what is the point at 51? By the time our child is 20, i will be 70: can i do anything worthwhile at such a late age). Do you have any useful advice? By the way, if you are not a Christian, i seriously doubt you can understand our predicament, since it is based on trying to please God and also on (on both our parts) choosing to be selfish and not seeking to obey God and getting married much earlier (though my wife will tell you she wasn’t mature enough to marry at all when she was in her 30s).
I’ve been married for 25 years. in the last 6 years my wife has not cared about me, or our home, it is filled with boxes of items of crap she orders from hsn or qvc, its gotten to to point where 2 years ago, i actually bought a 1br apt to move into so she could “fix up the house” she has done nothing at all , and on top of that hasn’t had sex with me in at least 6 months, every time i tried to initiate something she turns into the ice queen, so at this point, I realize d even the few times we did have sex, it seemed more like an obligation on her part, so now regardless of how we got here, i don’t care who fault it is or was. When she comes over here to the apt, she spends the weekend watching TV all day and night. I’m done, there is no way i can ever have sex with her again, I will wait until its 1yr of no sex, and I will simply divorce her for sexual abandonment. I will NEVER HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. THATS WHAT RAPIST DO. Id rather have sex with an unattractive woman who desired me, that a woman who feels “obligated “.
Practical and compassionate. Well said!
Thanks, Hannah!
Very needed essay.
The irony, and it is sad, is that now a days the reality is that many couples engage in sex while dating and while engaged to marry, and then after they get married the sex becomes less and less frequent. It is better to try and save the sex for marriage.
Yes, when all else has failed, involve a trained third party. Marriage counseling can truly be a blessing if both spouses “buy” into the process. If the spouse that is “hating” sex is the wife, it may be advantageous for the marriage counselor to be a woman. The wife may open up more to a woman counselor and the counselor can add helpful insights from other wives who have struggled with sex drive and intimacy challenges. As the counseling progresses, the husband and wife ought to meet together with the counselor as she can help facilitate communication and address specific issues that have been brought to light in earlier sessions.
Before getting to that point, it may help for the husband to put more effort into foreplay with his wife and help his wife get in the mood. This can help if she is not completely uncomfortable with any sexual intimacy. Most husbands want their wife to enjoy lovemaking. They want for it to be a beautiful, giving and sharing and pleasurable experience for both spouses.
For those couples who are engaged and who worked to save sexual intimacy for their marriage, I do think that it is very important during the time of engagement to talk about sexual intimacy and their expectations. Mutually fulfilling sexual intimacy is a crucially important part of marriage, and that needs to be recognized and acknowledged.
I am amazed at all these wives who don’t want their husbands near them. I have the opposite problem, we have been married 24 years with 4 children and have sex on average about 2 times a year at the moment. I would be happy with 2 times a month even but he won’t talk about it and I feel like I’m a sex maniac or something when I bring the subject up. I don’t think he has ever initiated sex. His testosterone levels are normal and he has access to prescription medicine for performance issues but I’m beginning to think I’ll just have to accept a sexless marriage. He’s 46 and I’m 48. Has anyone any ideas? I’m beginning to wonder if he’s gay…??!!
Hi Lois, you are absolutely not alone! I get so many emails from women just like you. I wrote a series of posts on that subject here (there are links at the bottom to the follow up ones). It may be worth talking to a counselor or pastor and getting to the bottom of this, because it is very serious. I’m sorry you’re going through this! I hope those articles help.
Sheila, I hate sex now I’m 39 yrs old and I’ve been married a yr and i hate for my husband to touch me, I hate that feeling of him thinking just because he’s a man that when he wants sex I’m suppose to just deliver, Sheila it feels forced and dirty then we argue about it and it makes me hate it even more, I love holding him during the day I like going out that’s when we get along but when it comes to bed time I put a pillow between us, my husband has so disappointed me and has said hurtful things to me since we have been married that I don’t want to be sexual with him, I use to love being with him now it feels ugly because it feels I’m giving my temple to someone who makes me feel dirty
I understand this perfectly well. At the beginning of marriage, I wanted him all the time. I couldn’t wait to get home. I couldn’t wait to see him after work. But within those first few years being yelled at, still get yelled at (now 5 yrs), harsh things are said, threats made, and the video game console and his online friends are more important…..And it’s funny because there is an awesomely sweet and helpful side to him…. The domineering side, is like a totally different person, that no one else knows but me and my dogs……A side that’s mean and cruel, not willing to understand, refuses to listen with the heart and domineering ….. You don’t bother to say how you feel or you are wrong, so you just don’t say anything…. However, I enjoy watching movies together, going out to dinner, or him being home with me… I just enjoy his presence…. But my body hates when he touches me…. Inside I feel his touch is a lie…. I try to make myself want him to touch me… I’ve seen a doctor to get hormones to feel more sexual…. But when I feel like I want him…. I get mean comments or domineering attitudes and that feeling just sinks back inside… So all the medicines and hormones are for nothing….. I love him…. Can’t see myself without him…..but I hate when he touches me….and I don’t know how to change this. I don’t nag…. I’m actually prefer pretty quiet and to myself. My job keeps me busy and exhausted…but my marriage is more important than anything…. I just don’t know how to talk to him or how to express how I feel, because if I do, I’m being too sensitive, I’m imagining things, or its my fault. So now, I don’t even try to discuss it. Yes, now my emotions and body are numb and I don’t know what to do.
Why rate you always referring to your links when someone asks you direct question ?
Generally Sheila’s already written a post on the issue, and instead of writing it all out again, it makes more sense to redirect people to a whole post that will be much more helpful than a quick little comment 🙂 So she’s answering it directly, but in a more in-depth way than she could in the comments.
Twice a year? I wish my wife would go for that. That’s twice more a year than we have now. I have been weeping almost every night and every morning for 12 years. We waited until our wedding night so I had hoped to make up for all the lost years while I was single. I don’t even get to have sex on my birthday.
Weekends are unbearable as it it just work, work, work around the house. All the fun i anticipated enjoying with my bride has not been a reality. I still have the same dreams of one day being able to enjoy sex with my bride. The same dream I have had while I was single. We sleep in separate rooms so that she doesn’t hear me crying.
I do most of the cooking and cleaning and when I read so many articles saying my wife won’t have sex because I am lazy and needed to do more around the house, I just laugh. I take care of everything in the house as well as maintain the cars, yard, pets, and dishes. I try to keep busy every night after work with chores so that I am not the husband the articles talk about not deserving to have sex. Also, I am the primary bread winner. We lead several Ministries for church and we pray every day. People likely could not tell that I live in constant loneliness.
I wish I had known that I would be in a passionless, sexless marriage. If she didn’t want sex I would be okay with her at least touching me. I have several erections a day, and I can’t even imagine how anyone would ever need medication to get aroused. We are supposed to be healthier from a regular sex. I am sad all the time, even depressed a lot but she doesn’t even notice. She used to say during the week “we should have sex on the weekend”. I would say “Ya!”, and get excited for the whole week…anticipating finally being able to have some fun. Then the weekend would come…I would make sure I did a lot of work in and around the house, but she would always fall asleep watching tv or being on her tablet. Then the next week she would say the same thing. This would go on week after week. I stopped getting excited as it hurt too much to get let down so many times.
I have never been able to even explore her body. She doesn’t like to be touched or looked at. She has had several male doctors that have seen parts of her that I have never seen. Is that normal? I thought it was normal to desire exploring your wife’s body. I waited until I was married and now I may die without ever seeing something I dreamt of seeing since I was a teenager.
I love my wife and I would never break my vows to her. I used to break up with my girlfriends when they initiated wanting to have sex. I thought how great it was that women had the same sexual desires I had. I just didn’t want to be fornicating. Then I got married and the one woman I want to have those desires – doesn’t. Now I feel like a sex maniac because it is all I think about. I am tired of weeping. Tired of being lonely. Tired of looking away when my wife gets undressed so that I don’t get aroused. Tired of waiting. Tired of working all day and then every evening. Tired of never getting to have fun. Tired of praying for my wife to love me. She says she does. Every day she tells me she loves me. Every day I get more frustrated.
How can you love your spouse, and never let them make love to you? I don’t know what else I can do. I used to count the months I have gone without sex. I lost track after 15 months, and it was more than that the time before.
I continue to pray, dream, and wait. Every day I feel less like a man.
Hi Greg, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and I so admire your attempts to love your wife and to keep your vows regardless. That’s wonderful.
There’s only one thing: I don’t believe that God wants us stuck, never healing or never growing. I think that He does want us challenged so that we can grow more Christlike, and it sounds like your wife doesn’t have any incentive or need to grow. She can do what she wants with no repercussions–and I honestly don’t think that’s what God wants for her.
If your wife is running away from sex, then she’s running away from passion and intimacy too, and usually when people do that, they are also running away from God. Her relationship with Him is also suffering.
You are in a unique position to influence her towards growth, and I would take it. I wrote a post earlier on being a spouse vs. being an enabler, and I’d encourage you to read that. I do hope it helps!
I don´t know how someone can stand such situation. It is better to divorce
Greg I am so sorry. It must be so hard. I am also a wife who doesnt have sex with her husband due to sexual and emotional abuse in my past. I want you to know that it is absolutely possible for your wife to love you with all her heart but not want to have sex with you. I love my husband so much and it breaks my heart that I cant be intimate with him. I hate sex, it makes me feel used and dirty and I hate the thought of my husband getting aroused by me. Because men have used me like an object and their pleasure always meant suffering for me. I am not able to see sex positively even though I love my husband and I know he doesnt want to hurt me. Maybe your wife is hiding something painful from her past? I really wish you all the best 🙂
Amanda
It sounds like you are silently desiring your wife. If that is the case, let her know that you want her, and then kiss, touch, caress. Grab her butt. Be a little vulnerable. Put yourself out there.
A couple of suggestions: the next time your wife brings up sex in the future, say “Why wait until the weekend, lets go right now.” Or, the next time she is undressing, you undress as well, and tell her that you want her.
Greg,
Even though this post is over a year old, I felt compelled to respond. I could be your mirror image; saved sex for marriage, avoided relationships prior to marriage that might turn sexual, do housework, good dad, etc. everything you just mentioned, all to discover that I had been tricked; she has been unresponsive and “dutiful” at best; I honestly can’t remember the last time we had intercourse; to the best of my memory it was probably 8-10 years ago. I feel cheated out of what I thought would be worth the wait. She has no time or energy for me but can stay up late on Facebook, run 5 and 10K’s etc. I was 26 when we married, 10 years passed my prime of virility but like you hoped to “make up for lost time.” Now at 49 and with health problems that preclude intimacy (and nobody who would want me anyhow(they never did so why should I think they would now?) my window of opportunity has closed.
I can’t bear the thought of having to live like this another 10,20 or 30 years. My heart is breaking for you, my friend.
Dear Greg,
I know you wrote this almost 2 years ago, and I do sincerely pray and hope that your situation has changed for the better since then. But nonetheless, I felt the need to reply because reading your post honestly made my soul ache. I am sure you are an AMAZING man!!!!! You sound like the dream man if you’d ask me and I’m positive there are millionssss of women out there desperately longing to have a husband like you or at least one who will make them feel wanted or desired from time to time. I do not say this to make you feel worse but to reassure you that you are a wonderful man, who clearly tries to live according to God’s own heart, and deserves to feel loved and appreciated. However, I did read some of the comments made in response to your post and I can’t help but agree that perhaps there is a major underlying issue or multiple ones here. And the longer you continue to suffer in silence, the more you kill yourself spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and eventually it starts to take a huge toll on you physically as well. Besides, you mentioned that you are both very active in the ministry, and I can speak from personal experience that it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to give your best and your all to God’s kingdom and to the people around you when you feel so broken and dying painfully slow inside. Similarly to how Jesus said, “Take out the beam from your own eye, and then you shall see clearly to take out the mote from your brother’s eye” (or something along those lines), I feel the both of you need to experience deep inner healing in order to better help heal other souls. You mentioned that your wife hates being looked at by other men or touched in the simplest way. I don’t need to tell you that the majority of women frequently long for attention and affection/passion, so I have a big feeling that there is something buried within her from her past that she has yet to share with you and that is causing her to feel like this. Perhaps it may have been abuse as a child, or witnessing a family member be sexually abused.. it could be a great number of things. But one thing’s for sure: the marriage will never progress, for intimacy is a significant part of marriage, unless you take the initiative to calmly sit down with her and ask her for some honesty. You deserve it and it is the least she can do for you, her husband. It may be difficult at first for her to open up something that by this point may be pushed to the back of her subconscious, but keep praying about it and be patient with her. Try to help her see that it is not about you or a favor for you, but she desperately needs to come to terms with those issues for herself. and her own healing/growth as a person in all roles of her life. You can’t save this relationship by yourself and there can be no solution if she continues to act like there is no problem. I do feel it is not fair for you to have to suffer like this seeing that you are still willing to remain faithful to her despite everything, and I think there are a lot of insecurities in the way of letting her understand how badly you are suffering and knowing what to do about it. Please seek counseling. Again, as the article mentioned, try to help her see that you are not trying to push her to do something for you but you want her to live the fulfilling and rich life that God has designed for her and together experience all of God’s promises and blessings for the both of you. For God wants to bless you guys with the kind of loving, passionate marriage that Solomon so vividly describes in Song of Songs!!! And it is not impossible!!!! For when the Bible says there is nothing impossible for our God, I am absolutely positive that nothing means NOTHING!!! And God may use you and your testimony to help save other intimacy-starved marriages that are on the path to destruction. I will keep your marriage in my prayers, and do not lose faith!!!
Hi Greg.
I feel for you brother and am in pretty much the same boat as you, except your wife tells you she loves you. I haven’t heard that in a meaningful way in years. Another major concern I have is that our kids see this lack of affection and are left more impoverished by it. I’m slowly accepting that this is God’s will for my life and marriage, as prayers seem to fall flat…in my heart, I know this is not what God wants, yet it is what is transpiring… reconciling the two is a nightmare.
I know this is an old post, but I’m curious how things are going Greg. I am in a similar situation and only been married 11 months. We had sex a couple (3 at best)of times prior and it was great, but we knew we should wait. We were both ok with waiting because we believed in what we had. I thought “WE” were waiting but it appears she may have been using “waiting” as a way to kick the can down the road because she really didn’t care for sex but didn’t want to say it. I am like Greg and do it all and have remained faithful, but it gets harder by the day. I talked to a counselor and she says I’m grieving. I told her my wife is always wondering what’s wrong and telling me to cheer up. Counselor ways she is happy because she got everything she wanted in a man. She sometimes feels bad and says she shouldn’t have gotten married until she was able to work through whatever issue she is facing with her libido, but we’re here now. We both went to the counselor initially and after the initial session she told my wife she wanted to see her one on one. My wife says every time she calls no one answers and no voicemail picks up, but when I, call I either get an answer or voicemail picks up and I get a call back. They’re starting to feel like excuses and it’s very frustrating. She can make hair appointments and any other appointments she feels necessary, but this is just not important. She does have some sexual baggage that she says is not affecting her. We addressed that prior to marriage and she says she has been to counseling for that and is ok. We have no kids in the house most of the time as they are only here on the weekends, so it’s just the two of us. I’ve mentioned before that if a roommate and someone to help pay the bills was the goal then I needed to know that up front. I’m frustrated and at the point of just saying what’s the point of waiting. We pray together, read devotions together and talk about it, but nothing works. I’m at the point where I should just watch porn and masturbate. That’ll be some type of satisfaction I guess even if but for a moment.
He is not necessarily gay, but he might be partially impotent. Talk to him about Viagra or other sexual performance enhancement medicines.
Thank you so much!
It would be interesting to hear the wife’s perspective on this. I know when similar issues come up in our marriage I have realized that I feel as if I only get touched when my husband wants sex and it’s usually when we are going to bed. I pointed this out to my husband and it was a big AHA for him. I challenged my husband to touch me 10 times a day without sex being the end result. When I feel the affection then I desire him and things get better. He may be thinking about sex all day but I don’t know that so I asked him to let me know he was feeling that way during the day-to flirt with me so it’s not a jump start for me when I haven’t been focused on that during the day. That makes all the difference in the world for me!
This is such a good idea, to write this for the men. I think they really need it, because men tend to “calculate” their self worth according to the quantity (not quality, by the way..) of the sex they “get” at home.
In my experience, when a woman used to be passionate and somewhere along the way this changes, it usually has to do with feeling distant from her spouse (even if she is not even aware of it) and usually starts when children come into the picture.
I’ve written a blog post about what to do when you love your husband but don’t want sex anymore (http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/low-sex-drive/) since this more than a common problemn in a marriage.
Any way, this post is a great idea and greatly written..thanks!
I have read your book “Good Girls Guide To Great Sex” and some articles but I am still struggling with my attitude. I know that this is the way that God created sex but it just seems so hard and frustrating. Basically, the woman has to talk herself into having sex. It would be easier if it was more naturally enjoyable.
I’ve been there and if my husband had ever said the first blurb that you have under scenario 3, I would have completely shut down. This may be appropriate for someone who truly is just trying to create drama, but for us sensitive types who tend to blame ourselves for everything, it’s not a good idea at all. If your wife is working on figuring out what’s going on (which I was), then be supportive and patient like in the second blurb, not accusatory and condescending like in the first one.
Oh, and help your wife! Spend a day with 2 kids in diapers and then you won’t wonder why she’s so tired all the time. 🙂
My husband and I are both in our 50’s. His sex drive has increased as he’s gotten older. Mine has steadily decreased to near zero. We have two things working against us… I’m pre-menopausal and my hormones are not where they used to be plus he works away from home and is only home weekends. He loves me like crazy, is borderline obsessed with me, so on the weekends you can imagine what it’s like. He can’t leave me alone. I love him like crazy too but I just don’t have the urge or desire to express it physically like he does. You’re wrong that women in general view their husband’s intense needs as pathetic. At least in my case, that is. I don’t view him as pathetic at all. Instead I envy him. I remember when I had a strong sex drive and how great that was and I miss it. I envy how easy it is for him. Sometimes I lay there and quietly cry afterwards because of how empty I feel and how much I envy the enjoyment he experiences. Sometimes I even feel like God has betrayed me. The only thing that has helped us is for me to have a couple glasses of wine as a prelude. Getting a buzz seems to be the only thing that halfway gets me in the mood anymore. I’ll be glad when he’s back home every day. I didn’t know about the use-it-or-lose-it thing. That’s probably part of the problem, too. To those men whose wives are going through the change, or about to, please know that it wreaks havoc with our hormones and sex drive. Be patient with us. This is a very difficult transition for us. It’s not that we hate sex, we’ve just lost the ability to want it or need it. I want to want it. I want to need it. I just can’t. I’m looking into using herbal therapies and natural hormone replacement. And prayer, lots and lots of prayer.
Scenario 2 is a common situation. Honestly, for me talking about it does the opposite. Just seduce me and give me something to look forward to next time. Put some effort into it. Make me feel like a woman. Find out what I like. And remember it for next time. When my husband finally got that, things definitely improved.
In my case there is another reason that women sometimes don’t want to have sex with their husbands. If they are anything like me they maybe having a hard time accepting that their husband has had sex with other women before marriage, and doesn’t regret it, and doesn’t value sex the same way that their wife does. It’s difficult to want to be intimate with someone who didn’t wait for their wife, especially when they waited until marriage for them. I am just putting out another option as to why maybe the woman doesn’t want to be intimate with their husband.
What about scenario #5, the one in which said wife unilaterally decides, “Enough”, and imposes celibacy on her husband? This is a real scenario, and one that is a real problem in many marriages. (Note: “many”, not “most”.)
3 years ago, after several years of “you’re a sex addict” (tops, 2x/week), “well, one time a week ‘date nights’…” and other niceties, the woman who used to be enthusiastic about sex (typical, until we got married) cut me off entirely.
She’s very adamant that anything other than me off in a corner while she’s not around is unacceptable sex for me, and that any touch, regardless of intent, in any area which could possibly be construed as sexual in nature, on either of our parts (she wouldn’t, and I’m forbidden), is inappropriate.
This was about the same time as she came to Jesus, but there is no connection that I can see; indeed, biblically, if she were to read it, that amounts to adultery (her forbidding me any sexual involvement).
And, of course, there’s no talking about it; it’s a done deal, with no discussion.
OY.
This is terrible advice. If you wife doesn’t want to have sex with you, it’s because she’s not attracted to you. Reality sucks, but once you face it, you at least have the chance to work against it.
I had a diminishing sex life like the one described here. It’s fixed now. How’d I fix it? I started lifting weight, eating right, jogging. I took up reading intellectually stimulating books and new hobbies. I focused on being in charge in our household, instead of letting my wife run all over me. I stopped pandering to her every whim as if maybe if I tried hard enough to please her she would graciously condescend to my level and bestow pity sex upon me (which hardly ever happened). I stopped letting her mood determine how I felt. I became confident and stoic. This is what makes a man attractive to a woman. She doesn’t want your weakness. She doesn’t want your vulnerability. She wants your manliness and stoicism.
If you’re unattractive to your wife, become attractive. It’s hard, and takes a lot of work. Lots of physical, emotional, and mental self-discipline. But it’s cheaper than divorce and way better than a dead bedroom. And you’ll be a better man at the end of the day for it. Don’t let our feminized culture tell you that real masculinity is bad or beyond your reach. You’re a man. Don’t let your masculinity be taken from you.
Thank God a sane comment.
I cannot understand all these messages telling about going through years of pain, and they only do more chores at home and think that will help.
Be a man, Demand respect. Be kind, compassionate, but be a man for God’s sake.
You can’t demand respect. Respect has to be earned.
What about when it’s your husband that is not interested? I’ve tried talking about it…the intimacy is just gone. It makes me so sad because I want him all the time and he is just completely uninterested. Or when he is interested it’s not enjoyable for me because he just is interested in his own needs in that moment.
Alex, that’s a really common problem, and you are NOT alone! I wrote a 4-part series on this a while ago, and you can see the first post (with links to the rest) here.
Hello Sheila, Thank you for addressing this issue from mans perspective. I am currently in a sexless marriage with no affection or intimacy whatsoever. It has had an emotional toll on my well being and has made me question my manhood as well as the faithfulness of my spouse. I have tried having conversations with my wife regarding how I am feeling to no avail. She has even in the midst of an argument stated that she has never enjoyed sex with me or had an orgasm as she had with partners prior to our marriage. Which I believed was said in the midst of an argument and not necessarily true to find out during other conversations not in heat of argument to be true. That hurt deeply…. We currently live far from any family and have had difficulty fitting into local churches well enough for me to feel comfortable sharing this with our pastor. My father passed away a few years ago and her father is a pastor specializing in marriage and family ironically a few states away. Although I have a great relationship with her father I don’t feel comfortable discussing sexual relations or the lack thereof with him as he is her father! I have not told anyone this but I have found it increasingly difficult to stay faithful to my wife although I have. I pray every day to not be tempted by the devil and to remain faithful to my wife for it is what the bible commands. I feel lost and alone. I don’t want to anymore. Sometimes it feels like she is trying to push me into having an affair as she believes that is the only way she could get a divorce and stay in good graces with church. She has not said that but really I do feel like that is a possibility. As I have had many sleepless nights with little else to fill my time my mind often has time to come up with scenarios that would have normally been absurd to entertain but seem plausible. I pray for my wife every night that whatever the root of our intimacy issue is that God will bring her peace. I guess I am not really asking a specific question but as I feel I have no one to talk to this about that I’m comfortable with I ask that you say a prayer for our marriage and that I will stay strong and faithful to my wife. Alone and sad. Jeff
I agree with Anonymous, Sept.22! Although I don’t think this article was terrible advice, it was horribly incomplete to overlook 2 extremely common things. Both have to do with this: what if your wife doesn’t hate sex, she just doesn’t want sex WITH YOU. Maybe she is feeling just as sexually frustrated as you are, but you just don’t do it for her. Either 1) you are not a good lover and she is not satisfied by sex with you, or 2) she is sexually turned off by you. In either case, she might be sparing your feelings to let you think she just doesn’t like sex at all.
In my own marriage, my husband quickly became passive, wishy-washy, indecisive, obese, and just over time becomes more and more effeminate. (Did you know fat cells generate estrogen???) I am a heterosexual woman looking for a MAN. I can be very horny, but 10 minutes with hubby and I’ve lost my “appetite.” I am struggling with the fear that my sexual needs will never be met in my marriage, even though it’s my husband who’s always complaining about the lack of sex. And the whining doesn’t do anything to enhance his manliness. I spend so much energy trying to control myself not to be unfaithful. Duty sex with no pleasure for me feels like being celibate, except at least with celibacy, there’s no work involved and it doesn’t take up my time.
About #2. Men also need to look at this another way. What if your likes chocolate, and you pressure her into eating chocolate every day. It’s like that’s the only thing on your mind. Everything you do is done simply to get her to eat chocolate. And for a while, she does it to make you happy. But she gets nothing out of it. After a while, she just starts to vomit because you’ve kept asking and asking her to eat chocolate. Now she does NOT want any more chocolate. Ever again. Because you won’t let her enjoy it when SHE wants to enjoy it, you have to be selfish and insist on her eating it, even to the point of telling her that’s it’s good for her. She’s vomiting up chocolate and yet you still insist on her eating it. The ‘chocolate’ is ‘sex’. No wonder wives don’t want to have sex. If sex was a build-up, a much anticipated event, a luxury, something your wife longed for and desired, then maybe she want to ‘eat the chocolate’. Some people like to say that sex is the ‘glue’ that holds a marriage together. But be careful – sex can also be the ‘poison’ that destroys a marriage.
I commented a couple of years ago, to no effect. I really need some guidance, because my attitude is starting to suffer (which isn’t entirely surprising, I don’t suppose, given that it’s been 56 months, almost to the day, since our last sexual encounter). I hadn’t known that, other than she told me that the last time we made love was on my birthday in 2011. It was shortly after that birthday that she announced that she’d made love to me for the last time; her recollection of the date of our last intimacy came much later. Happy birthday, Darling!
There is no physical involvement in our lives at this point. Not so much as a hug, let alone a caress, and God (well, she does) forbid, any touch which might be remotely considered intimate.
We sleep in the same bed but the closest thing to intimacy is her occasional spooning me to get warmer. We’ve discussed the situation, and I’ve had confirmation that any touch which could possibly be considered intimate is out of bounds. That she might even consider touching me in such a fashion is not open to discussion. The closest thing to a kiss is a peck on the cheek.
She recently observed that living with her must be like with a roommate; I had to agree. Her recognition and acknowledgement doesn’t mean that she’s open to any form of resolution or seeking either medical or psychological assistance with the issue, however.
This comes on the heels of a previously enthusiastic, mutually satisfying, sex life. Whether there’s any connection I can’t say, but her pronouncement of unilateral celibacy came shortly after she ‘discovered’ Jesus. We’d always been active in the church, sang in the choir, and so on, but she wasn’t saved. Now that she is, it appears she’s married to Jesus, not to me. Our lives grow steadily apart.
Other than resigning myself to living out my life in celibacy, is there any other hope?
I thought I had it bad. You must really love her to put up with that. I’d be just thinking how life was going by and I’m missing out. It would hurt, but I’d divorce and move on…..
It gets better. I’m trapped.
She wisely invested for her retirement. I did, too, by buying and holding rental real estate. Then we got married. And she started throwing money at her kids…
The net proceeds were consumed by ‘loans’ to take out insane debt of her children, either of credit card debt at 20+%, or similar interest on predator lending for consumer goods; they promised to pay 8%APR monthly interest, which is about half my gain on what little investment I do have (and on hers – but hers is unassailable/unavailable). A significant amount of it was money funneled to spendthrift kids, as well, usually without asking me first (I’d put most of the proceeds into our common checking account). When, just before one of the properties settled, and we were looking at starting to live off our credit cards, let alone sending the $5K a month which was going to one of them, I doubt very much that she would have invaded her 401k to continue those payments. And aside from one kid who faithfully makes the small payments to cover the car we financed, the others haven’t made a payment in nearly 5 years. Right about the time she was saved was when the two major debtors quit making any payments, one by declaration, and the other because they didn’t have any money to do so (we’d – well, I’d, actually) supported them for more than two years, without any change in their spending habits which got them to that place to start with). Those spending habits haven’t changed since then, despite their 6-figure income, which means that we still aren’t being paid – anything, let alone interest only, and, surprise, not amortized, either.
I don’t think there’s a connection between her finding Jesus and her kids quitting, but it makes you (well, it does me) wonder.
Of course, God came through right at the moment of need – twice, yet, after one settlement was completely sucked up after we’d run out of funds just before the first one one settled. After two years of refusing to alter their lifestyle, I cut the other one off just before the remains of the second settlement were gone.
Now, I have a very small investment account, less than half of the final settlement, and the home we live in (a boat) is in her name due to the way it was bought at the time.
We can make it, together, on my SSI, living on our boat, which is paid for and doesn’t incur taxes or insurance or costs at anchor. But a divorce would leave me homeless and without the means to replace the place I live (another boat); rent and utilities would consume my small income were I to try to move ashore, let alone provide the rest of life. Any expectation that that huge diversion of funds would be allocated in any way to my heirs should I die first is laughable. I have no question whatsoever that she would dismiss those debts out of hand should the issue present itself. Tough luck for my kids, one of which, with 4 kids of her own, and a disabled hubby, is truly at the poverty level.
So, here I sit, hoping to meet my maker sooner rather than later. I believe it would be an improvement. Despite her occasional declaration that she can’t imagine life without me, because she loves me so much, she’s more than firm in her stance as above.
Despite my praying unceasingly, as the saying goes, for both her and me, there’s been no change in that time. I don’t expect any in the future, and, having been this long, it might not be possible, even if there were (“use it or lose it” as mentioned above in other comments). At this point, my prayers are for God to take my libido; at least I’d be on the same page.
Sigh…
Why not play the deprivation card and get right to the point? Talking about intimacy instead of being direct is beating around the bush (no pun intended). She knows exactly what the conversation is about. Unless she is an idiot and can’t read between the lines, she knows the only point of the conversation is “why aren’t you having sex with me”. I am here to tell you women: men are easy to please-give them sex and a little free time for their hobbies and they would stop the world for you.
Good Point! My wife liked to beat me down and tell me how worthless I was on top of that she would deny me sex and affection. That was problem the main reason why I was unfaithful; I just wanted to be loved and appreciated so I had to find it elsewhere. When I told her that I would eventually go somewhere else to find sex she didn’t seem to care, Sad that women use sex as a weapon.
Sadly not true that all would “stop the world” for you. Yes men are easy to please, and I did all of that and more, perfectly, for many years. I got nothing in return, except for more expectations, more work relegated to me, more demands I move wherever he wanted, insecurity and more poverty. I did not get emotional support, respect, intimacy, fun, companionship, help, real concern for my well-being, or love. I went down to 99 lbs (I’m 5’5’’) since I had so little food, and was anemic, while he ate out on the companies dime. He didn’t even notice. Told me I needed “emotional help.” When I finally gained a backbone he couldn’t understand why I changed, since it had been so “perfect” before. Married 27 years.
Thank you Sheila for your article. I wish that I could have understood my wife better and why she didn’t want sex. ‘I know that I was a terrible husband at times but my issues was that when I would ask her what she liked or wanted in bed and her answer was Always ‘You’re the man. You figure it out!’. It was quite frustrating. Once when she came home after having been out with some girlfriends we started to make out in the couch then she said that she was tired and going to bed and after being denied sex for so long I took for granted that she was going to sleep but then she was mad because I didn’t also go to bed. Ok, misunderstanding I get it. But when we did have sex and she enjoyed what I did she would deny it Days later. When we fought and I became all ‘manly’ I guess and yelled and scream and got mad she would almost Always initiate sex. She told me how she, and most women, didn’t like sex, never thought or fantasized about sex. During and after our divorce she became a sexual dynamo and was up for anything. Go figure?
First let me say thank you for this article. As I read this I examined myself intently and I have found myself coming up short in some areas. These areas I will address immediately. But the one thing you left out was what do I do as a man,husband and father of two grown daughters? My wife has BOLDLY told me she hates sex. She wants NOTHING to do with it. Numerous occasions (lost count) has told me to take care of it myself. She knows something is wrong but REFUSES to ask for help because something might work and she says she does not want to be better. I am now TOTALLY involved in porn,to try and get some relief of my sex drive. Recently we had a huge fight and the wife of 33 years looks me in the eye and tells me if I need sex so bad I should go somewhere else. As a matter of fact I hope you do so I won’t have to! I need intimacy with my wife I DON’T want another woman. I ask her about seeing a Dr. She says no she does not want to get better. I have reached my end. She is a Godly woman who says I am not the Godly man I use to be. To be honest how am I supposed to respond to that? She refuses to ask God to help her because she is afraid he might give her a desire for me. My marriage is almost gone so no need to keep trying. Suicide is looking more and more appealing. And not due to lack of sex it is lack of my best friend who WILL NOT accept the fact that she could have a problem.
All is hopeless. By the way she tells her coworkers that I spoil her. I CONSTANTLY tell her how beautiful she is and how much I love her, buying her flowers continually etc.
Please respond soon as I am nearing my breaking point. Thank you
I’m praying for you brother. I’m nearly in the same boat, but I’ll admit you’re situation is worse. Please don’t commit suicide. It won’t fix your wife, but I understand that it may feel like a release from your broken heart.
I don’t have any advice for you unfortunately 🙁 but I am praying for you and your wife. Stay strong brother and keep the faith.
Brother, this sounds like I wrote it myself!!!
I’ll make a deal. You don’t kill yourself and I won’t either. You / we will survive. My wife is beautiful. But I repulse her. Feels great , right? Hang in there.
Hi. I have been married for 5 years and with my wife for 13 total years. I feel like my wife does not want me or is even attracted to me anymore. We have 2 wonderful kids and she is a amazing mother to them both. I do realize she is a working mother and is tired but she never wants to have sex ever. When we do have sex it feels like she is just giving me a treat and she really does want it to go as fast as possible. I have a very high sex drive and I would never cheat on my wife, but I would like sex daily and realize that is a bit much but she could go forever and I do not think she would care. I have had every thought cross my mind from am I horrible in bed, is she having a affair and so on. It is really starting to effect me bad, I can not tell you the last time she came onto me it has been years. This is the worst part of it, she does not even want me I feel, I wonder to myself if we did not have kids would she just leave me.I have talked to her about it more times then I can remember, I have been thinking lately of leaving her but I love her so much it hurts to even think like that. I do not now what to do anymore, the only thing I know is I can not go on like this much longer.
I love my wife and my kids but here is what no one is really willing to say……marriage starts to kill your sez life, and children finish it off. I have become a paycheck and a roommate to my wife. I assist with every aspect of our household, and I do the vast majority of cooking, cleaning, and laundry in addition to working full time. In the end it does matter I was flat out told sex is not important to her anymore and I should expect her to be like she was when we first met. We’ve been married for 10 years and we had sex 4 times last year because I begged. I have given up, it’s not worth the battle and I’ll just wallow in my sorrow for the next 30-40 years.
I don’t know why this was not included on the list of reasons that wives don’t want sex, but for sure, one important reason, is because the husbands do not satisfy their wives during sexual intimacy . Either these men, don’t care about the wives’ satisfaction or they don’t know what to do.
Our culture, our society, seems to be only concerned with what husbands want and need and so we read articles, that speak only to wives. We often tell wives what they are not doing for their husbands.
Example: ( “how to satisfy your husband” ) or (“what a your husband needs from his wife”) or (“how wives hurt their husbands”) or (“wives need to be more submissive and respectful” ) or ( ” it’s the wife’s fault that her husband cheats”) ……………and so on and so on………….
But we hurt wives so much this way. Women buy these messages, then they gullibly and pitifully blame themselves and do what the article tells them to do, even when the husband us at fault. This is wrong. There are valuable messages that men need to hear, that may actually heal their marriages, but no writers will write them. We need to cease focusing on wives’ fault and focus also on husbands. The husbands must contribute to the healing of the marriages as well. We might just find that many marriages can be saved from the sexual disconnect.
Thank you for bringing the subject up. But what can you say about hopeless cases? Sometimes I feel there is just no way. Everything is connected to everything, every worry, stress, emotion everything and unless everything works 100% there is just no place for such a trivial subject. Every time I bring it up it always ends the same. “There’s this and that problem and beause of it I can’t….” The thing is many of them are long term problems (like financial or lack of time for vacation etc) which are impossible to overcome in a short term. And even if they were life always has something up it’s sleeve. Today it’s X and next month it’s Y. I feel helpless, frustrated and humilliated because at this point I’m even afraid to ask because it became an irritating subject. I feel like my problem (becaue I feel it’s only my problem, it’s no problem for her) reduces me to a primitive state of a man driven by simple urges. But that’s not the case! Am I going mad? This wasn’t a problem for some years but now it really messes with me, I even had a depression because of it sincce it also makes me feel unwanted, unattractive and a failure of a man. I feel ugly, old and repulsive on top of feeling a general life failure since I contributed to a sub-par life apparently. I know it’s not logical but after long time it really starts to mess with your mind beyond your control. I also get really angry sometimes because I feel controlled completely and have literally zero say in the matter. And I can’t even say to my partner why I’m angry and grumpy because I am both afraid and ashamed (she can get really angry about it and point out the primitive nature of my problem). Because of the “it’s connected to everything and if there’s ANY problem in our life it’s out of the question” I think it’s a hopeless case. And from what I learned I’m not alone. I just wanted to point that out.
My problem is very serious. I am 80yrs , wife 76yrs 5’7.5″. We both are in good health.She had her menopause at around the age of 55yrs. She was quite normal before menopause and we used to have sex two to three times a month. Her height is 4’10”. Before too she was never inclined for sex,
of her own. She had no arousal . But after menopause she totally hates sex. She is sleeping in a separate room for the last over 17yrs, locks the door from inside. She has practically no love ,affection on any intimacy with me .Can you believe that we hardly speak a sentence in a month. She hates me for no reason. I am in quite good health, do exercise, has absolutely no vices, never looked to any other lady. I am a jain Hindu , of religious minded . I am suffering very very much due
to this behaviour of my wife . Her sex desire is 0%, while I am starving for it for the last 17yrs or .more. I undertand that this change has come in her due to hormonal change in her body after her menopause, and she badly needs treatment for it. I told her long long back that let us go to a menopause specialist, but first she said all male Drs are not good; I said ok let us go to Lady Dr.but she is adamant like a granite rock and will never hear me. My body is starving for sex for the last 17to 18yrs. I intensely feel my body needs sex. Due to this most annoying behaviour of my wife, my life has become HELL for me. On my part I loved her and have love in my heart immensely. I am under extreme mental tension for the last 17yrs and it has seriously affected my as well as her health too.
Trouble is that she won’t hear me, she hates me for no reason.
Some times I feel that if I make her sleep by giving her sleeping tab.secretly mixed in her tea or milk and do sex then to arouse her desire, will it be ok. to arouse her desire.
I am in really serious trouble , please advise me the best course. I am tolerating her being from a respected family; I am sure no one will ever tolerate such attitude and behaviour of wife which has ruined our life almost two decades now. I request you to keel this 100% up to you only.
Expecting your valuable reply and solution very soon on my email address.
Thanks .
I thought the title of your website would sum it up but that is where it dies for me. We do not have sex because I feel more like his mother then his partner I work hard to keep the house clean, cook , take care of our kids and there are times I even hold down a full time job, and am still responsible for the majority of cleaning. Then in walks the husband dumping his crap everywhere I just cleaned saying my typical greeting Whats for dinner, and if I say hey can you please put your stuff away it starts a huge blow up argument and I am a B—- or a Nag well I do not want to sleep with my children or the big giant baby I live with either. I have to bite my tongue or suffer his mood or the argument I am not his mother and I should not have to pick up after him hes a grown man over 40ty. Worse though I can not even talk to him about any of it because if I say one word even nicely I am a crazy b. So we do not communicate either, and most men mistake sex for intimacy and love. I wanted a partner not a grown baby I wanted an equal and never thought I was signing on to be Cinderella before her happily ever after came. Guys you want sex stop treating or expecting your wife to be your mother and communicate better When she asks you to pick up after yourself she is not nagging she is expecting that an adult should be able to get clothing in a hamper and hang up a coat on a hook its not a personal attack on you its a plea for you to stop disrespecting how hard she works all day
So for my wife and I I think it is definitely the hibernation thing compiled with busyness and tiredness. I’m praying and trying to be understanding. I’m begging God to help me be content with simply her even when sex is scarce to non-existent. God is good. He is answering my prayers. But this is sooo hard. I’ve tried talking to her about it in a myriad of ways and it always ends up in the same place ‘well we don’t have to do it at all if you’re not happy it.’ Which I don’t want that for sure. We have been married around 15 years and have gone from the typical newlyweds phase frequency (which in new wouldn’t always be that way) to at best once a month. Or when I try to talk to her she says she doesn’t want to talk about it or just gets mad and says I don’t understand how tired she is. Hey. She’s probably right. I’m probably guilty at least on some occasions of being insensitive towards her exhaustion. Surely that’s not always true though? Sometimes when I make a move she will push me away and sometimes if I’m not sure if she’s just being playful I try again laughingly. Sometimes she is just playing and being fun and sometimes she sighs a frustrated sigh and says. “Well let’s just get it over with…” and isn’t joking.
I’ve tried in the moment or well after the fact to mention that that hurts me and she blows it off and says to just get over it.
So I apologize for getting her upset and forget it. Bury the hurt and move on.
The sum total of the sexual
Portion of our relationship is completely up to her. If I don’t initiate it never gets brought up and it’s entirely up to her how and when it happens if at all.
I get that she’s tired. But I’m tired too and I still try to keep in mind the God-given value for sex in marriage. She has time for every other priority but me.
And she sends mixed signals. During the regular day’s activities she might mention loving me in front of the kids. Making a point to tell them how much she loves me or thinks I’m handsome. If I’m in the kitchen alone she might give me a hug or suggestive touch of some sort. But if I make a move and she’s not up for it it’s all systems down and I’m rude for asking or only thinking about me or always wanting sex.
For the record I don’t always want sex. But i wild hope for more than once a month at our still young age? Legit question, am I asking too much? I really want to know….
I just want her to initiate every once in a while so that I know she still wants it at all even if not like I do… I want her to actually want it and enjoy it and be more mutually giving in it…
We are both believers. I absolutely will not consider (as some articles suggest) adultery and I will not resort to porn. And I’m afraid that if I resort to “self” resolve physically that I’ll just grow cold to a cheap substitute and inadvertently grow cold towards her. Definitely don’t want that.
I love my wife but because she gets it as often and how she needs she doesn’t see a problem. The only problem she thinks we have in that realm is that I want it too much and that no matter how much we had sex I’d never be satisfied.
I want to talk to her and I’ve literally tried every approach you mention above the unhelpful ones and the good ones.
Nothing works. I’m at a loss and feel so shut off from her that I find myself afraid to try for fear of more rejection and making her angry.
Nearly 15 ears of marriage and this has been going on for at least 5 years or so.
I used all anon info but I’ll be checking comment info. Please help.
Ill be candid and ventful right quick. I cannot stand the BS anymore, my wife and I are believers as well, but I have been dealing with this for 5 years as well. I have tried counseling, but nothing helps out. Books forget it .. she doesn’t care… its me that has the problem… she has no clue about what sex or making love is… and therefore, cannot adopt what Gods design on it is… and because of this I am in an unloving marriage…. im just so fed up … [Editor’s note: some profanity deleted]
I totally agree….I appreciate people posting these amazing “I was a refuser for years and I’m now a generous wife!” things, but these people are a minority and live in a bubble. Welcome to the real world when men like me are continually depressed and often regret they are married.
As a wife that had next to no sex drive it, for some women it is not a naturally occurring drive. Many men have spontaneous desire. They want sex, they have it. Many women have a reactive sex drive. The mechanism for arousal only comes once they’ve started. So it’s hard for them to have any interest in sex. It’s sad but it can feel like your husband is bugging you only for sex, all the time. Too often any touching seems to have to lead to sex and I know for me I tried to avoid leading my husband on by touching him just to reject him for sex and I thought I was sparing his feelings by not touching him. For me my husband was obsessed with porn and that really turned me off. It may seem like you are looking at porn to vent your frustration but to your wife it seems like porn is everything and she is nothing. She is being compared in your head to porn and will always come up wanting. If you want sex with your wife, be kind but be a man about it. If she says “I’m too tired.” ASK HER “What can I do to help you so we can have some time for sex/intimacy?” Touch her WITHOUT expecting sex. Sexy touching can get her reactive arousal going without the pressure. Stop thinking that the thoughts you have are the thoughts she has. I didn’t WANT sex myself very often so I didn’t initiate it. But I loved it when I did it. And my husband convinced himself I didn’t like him THAT way because I didn’t initiate. I also checked out the high t marriage website. It has ideas on how to make yourself more attractive to your wife to increase the likelihood she will want sex. When my sex drive was low many of the things on the website rang true to me.
I have long bemoaned the fact that women possess all that beauty (in all of its facets) but so many of them do not have the good sense to know how to use it with their husbands to mutual advantage. It is morally wrong for a woman to trick a man into thinking that she is going to satisfy him in this way by marrying him when her real plan is to gradually decrease it to a bare minimum. I forgive women for this tendency, but would never become involved with another one.
Me and my wife are both 30 years old and I want to have sex all the time. But she don’t. We do have two kids though and it is always some excuse. And if she says we are going to have sex today. I don’t even count on it.
Funny how she wanted sex ALL the time when she wanted a baby. We’re talking 2-3 times every single day. It’s not like it was the honeymoon phase either. This was 8 years into a relationship. Ever since the baby came… it’s never. (Literally never)
Turns out I was just a sperm donor all along 🙁
My wife refuses to have sex or be touched. She told me once she never wanted to have sex with me again. She then told me a little later she had not wanted to marry me but her parents forced her too. She loved a much older man.
At a loss as to what to do.
Sex therapists and counsellors are always recommended, but what if the cost makes it impossible? It’s no use saying you can’t afford not to when the money just isn’t there. Going into debt for this would never be an option for me. What then? If something is so broken and messed up that outside help would be necessary, if it’s unaffordable what would your advice be then? What alternatives are there?
There is no talking sex with my wife. What I say is always completely false, and my feelings are always wrong. We’ve been to counseling, but if she becomes the focus of the discussion she ends it. She has always been very passive sexually, and nothing I do or say changes that.
I always saw to it that she had an orgasm. I was willing to do oral on her. I spent a lot of time on foreplay. I put in far more effort than she ever returned. I even tried doing the housework only to discover that she expected me to always do the housework when I came home from a full day’s work while she stayed home
I stopped expecting her to have sex with me. Amazing how little we fight anymore!
I’d divorce her, but I have kids and the courts would impoverish me. It’s cheaper to put up with a loveless and sexless marital situation than to do anything else.
This comment made by a man in the beginning of the article is unbelievably selfish “I know that frequent MEANINGFUL sex could help de-stress her”. Same old same old, looking at it from HIS point of view. It does not de-stress women, it de-stresses HIM.
I have tried everything in the world to feel okay about sex with my husband. Through words and actions, he has destroyed the drive. I am sick and tired of being told how wonderful it could be and should be. After forty years I am DONE. I am happy with NEVER having sex with him or anyone. I know he is unhappy about it. Tough. I once loved sex but hate his attitude. Its the only thing that makes him happy. I have told him many times I need a christian husband, I need someone to connect with spiritually, he flat out ignores it. No man is ever going to hurt me again. The other day he was talking about giving up sex at his age and just living with it. I felt terrible for him, compassion. But I can no longer tolerate the separation. He feels connected to me having sex. I feel no spiritual connecticut so have no connection with him. I gave sex to him for years and now he is selfishly thinks he is entitled. I wish this could be fixed but I refuse to do anything about it or fight for it. I am done doing all the heavy lifting and work in this relationship. I am exhausted by it. I feel sorry for him but refuse to be the marriage counselor, the wife and the husband.
I’m another man who loves your blog! You provide a much-needed balance to all the other one-sided views out there. I especially enjoy reading the comments. What strikes me every time is how little women understand themselves and their own wants and needs. So just how, in God’s name, is some poor toxic, porn-addled, clueless male supposed to understand the spaghetti that seems to be women’s emotional framework???
“ I know that’s harsh, but when a woman has no libido, someone with a libido can seem pathetic, like they can’t control themselves. That’s why keeping the conversation focused on intimacy is better.”
I’m just going to say, that for you to write this, you don’t have a clue. You do not understand sex one iota. You really don’t.
Would you go to Somalia, find a starving 8 yr old child weighing 39 lbs with distended belly, and warn him not to ask for food by mentioning how starving he is, despite the fact that in the midst of his constant daily suffering he can’t even think straight?!? Would you instead counsel him to ask for food by telling the giver of food about how great they will feel for volunteering with a food distribution organization, and to talk up all the benefits of volunteerism?!?
Would you chain that child 6 feet away from a refrigerator stocked with delicious smelling foods, that is frequented every 5 minutes by someone who is well fed, and then tell that child to ignore their churning stomach and the saliva-inducing smell, and instead talk to the well-fed person about the weather, hoping that they might sit down and shoot the breeze long enough to pull out some food and offhand offer to share some with the child?!? Would you say that child is acting pathetic?!??
Yet this is how you have trivialized sex for men. A man in a marriage has been given a sex drive by God (he did not ask for it. God decided to put it in him), and that sex drive is like that hunger in that starving child. And seeing his wife’s attractive figure every day is like being around a fridge stocked with food. And being caught between the rock of the marriage vows and the hard place of sexual unfulfillment in marriage with a woman who doesn’t want sex is like torturing that starving kid by opening the fridge door but giving him no food. And every time the sex-deprived man sees his wife is like the emaciated child being tortured more by smelling the food he is being denied.
Honestly it would have been 18 quintillion times better to have never married. You don’t know what it is like to wake up day after day in despair. Not depression. DESPAIR. Every day wishing you had never been born.
But you don’t understand. You presume to understand, but you don’t get it.
The second hardest thing in life is the sexless marriage. The first hardest thing in life is maintaining faith in the God who gave you this broken woman who stirs up your desire yet who is too broken to fulfill it. The God who you obeyed in maintaining chastity before marriage, such that you never knew that sex was your love language. The God who gave you a sex drive so strong that you’d rather have sex than eat or sleep. Jesus suffered intensely for 3 days and then his suffering was over ,You follow him with your whole heart, and then he beings you a wife who makes you suffer daily for decades. That’s the hardest thing in life. Paul says it is better to marry than to burn with passion. He doesn’t say what to do when you burn with passion because of your sexless marriage. Proverbs says he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains the Lord’s favor. Part of life’s hardest thing is when the Bible becomes irrelevant because you can’t even relate to that Proverb.
I’m sorry that you feel this way, and I’m very, very sorry that this is the reality in your marriage. So sorry.
But I’m going to be straight with you. What we’ve been doing in church isn’t working. In our survey of 22,000 women, we found that women who believe that they are obligated to have sex with their husbands or bad things will happen have far fewer orgasms and more sexual pain. Women who feel safe in marriage, and who feel as if sex is supposed to be mutual, have more sexual enjoyment and less sexual pain. I’m telling you that when women grow up hearing that message–“men need sex, men need sex”–it turns them off of sex. We have to talk about this in a more holistic way.
That may not be fair from your perspective, and I get that. I do. What I’m trying to do, though, is present a solution that may actually work. We’ve tried hammering in how much men need sex; it doesn’t work. It makes the situation worse.
And the reason is because we’re stressing a man’s physical need, which makes women feel like receptacles who don’t matter.
I hear what you’re saying about Somalia, too, but here’s the thing: sex is not like food. It isn’t in the same category. You can survive without sex. You really can. Yes, you won’t be happy, and yes, it will be difficult. But it is not at the same level, and we need to stop talking about it like that. And in your analogy, food is something that one gives to another. Sex is not supposed to be like that. Sex is supposed to be something that you experience together. By talking about it as something that she gives to him, she’s also being erased from the conversation. That’s likely a big part of the reason why women don’t want sex.
We also need to start talking about sex in a way that includes women’s needs. When our definition of sex is simply intercourse, penis in vagina, so that he reaches climax–well, most women don’t get a lot of pleasure from that. So it’s important that when we talk about being sexual in marriage, that she’s included in that. It’s very vulnerable for a woman to open herself up sexually. So make sure that she’s included. When she grows up hearing that she’s just a tool for him to use–well, is it any wonder that she doesn’t want it?
I know you may not think that’s fair; I’m simply saying that research shows that reframing sex so that it is a mutual thing is the only thing that is going to work.
You have learned a lot in your years as a sex blogger Sheila. Looking at some of your posts from 10 years ago, reading this comment is like reading something that was written by another person. Do you think it might be time to revisit those early posts and update or maybe even delete them? I just don’t think that some of the things you said then represent how you see things these days.
Sheila
I’m so grateful to have found this article. My wife and I have been married for only a year (second for both) and we have absolutely no physical relationship. She says she has never enjoyed sex. She even says it feels ‘unnatural’.
We have talked through mots of your scenarios of she says there was never abuse, and that she lives me dearly but that sex is just not something she desires.
I have felt completely lost and alone during this past year. I continue to be supportive and pray (a lot). I have asked her about counseling several times but she is not interested.
I appreciate the encouragement you give to those of us walking through this. Continue the great work.
I’m sorry your having this problem. I had the same. She would tell me she isn’t interested anymore. She said she doesn’t like or want sex anymore. 1 week later the neighbor kids that I let wash my vehicle every week told me they have seen my wife a awfully lot with the single colored man 2 houses down from me. This explained why she isn’t interested in me anymore. She has graduated to the big leagues.
Well…. I have to say, if my husband spoke those two sample conversations to me, I’d be so angry at him. It would probably send me into “hiding” for longer than if he had said nothing! Sounds like he’s “lording it over” me, claiming to care about my “abundant life” when I’d know he’s doing so only to benefit himself, not me… as if sex is needed for an abundant or happy life- it’s not! Otherwise nuns would be miserable. To offer to pay is crazy since it’s my money as well as his, which we don’t have, and the offer would be offensive. I would view those speeches as incredibly insincere, selfish, manipulative and the speech as a lie.
So… just sayin’! Maybe it’s good for some wives but not for others. Before using it, a man may want to know that.
Thank you June, as a husband I agree completely. My wife and I have been together 20 years. We’ve had a lot of conversations about intimacy, been to different counselors and pastors, and tried all of the above tactics.
I’ve learned in these conversations that there’s nothing I’m doing wrong, she just doesn’t like sex. She’s happy in life though and has an amazing relationship with God. Once I accepted her belief that sex isn’t love things got easier.
I’ll add this for the men – after 20 years, 3 kids, a number of counselors and numerous conversations I’ve realized a lot of wives simply don’t want sex. That may hurt you, but please know the pain is all in your mind, she feels nothing (wife shared this in a positive way fyi). So the sooner you can move past it the sooner you’ll be happy. Accept the rejection and move on. Nothing is going to change. Live a happy life without marital intimacy. You’ll be better off than focusing on years of rejection.