We get married because we want to believe that we are “made for each other”.
Yet you and your husband are two very different people.
You have gender differences. You have personality differences. You have background differences. The problem with differences is that we usually assume that we’re right, because what we do seems natural to us–the way things should be done. When he does things differently, he seems wrong. And a few years of clashing over how things should be done, we wonder if we really are “made for each other” after all.
But what if those differences are tools that God can use to mold you into better people?
Let me tell you the story of my relationship with my husband, Keith. I told it first in a column I wrote back in 2007, but I think it speaks to this, and today, as part of our “Virtual Marriage Retreat” that we’re doing every Monday in September, I thought I’d look at the concept again.
In my marriage, I tend to be the one who wrecks the cars. Keith wrecks the laundry, but that doesn’t cost nearly as much. For a while there I seemed to have a string of issues needing little bumper touch ups, and the mechanic helpfully suggested that he could install those little floaty-things that boats use to the outside of our car. Keith thought this was hilarious. I did not.
Of course, Keith recently backed into a tree and shattered our van’s windshield, but since this was his one and only infraction in our whole marriage, we viewed it as an aberration rather than a pattern. So when he went to buy a new car this fall, he bought a standard. I can’t drive a standard. So I can’t drive his car. I’m still trying to figure out if there’s some hidden meaning there.
Keith and I have other differences, too. Keith has the “all the lights in the house must be turned off if not needed” gene. I’m missing that one. His idea of a relaxing afternoon is to actually relax. I like taking energetic bike rides. He likes war movies. I like Jane Austen. We’re a strange pair.
And yet, after twenty-three years, what most often occurs to me is how alike we’ve become.
Who we are, I believe, is partly a function of who we grow to be as we walk, day to day, with those we love.
People who know me may be surprised by this, but I tend to be on the shy side. I didn’t speak outside of the house until I was seven. Today I make my living speaking at women’s events and retreats, often in front of large groups, which doesn’t bother me in the least. But parties, where I have to talk to one on one, are stressful. How do I keep the conversation going? I don’t find it natural at all.
It’s not natural for Keith, on the other hand, to shut up. And as we’ve been married, he’s taken me to so many parties that I’ve begun to open up. But he’s also started to quiet down. Had we not married, he might have been even more gregarious, and I may have become more introspective.
Or take food. I crave sweets, but not fat or salt. Keith, on the other hand, once drank a cup of bacon grease because someone dared him. I often have a craving for vegetables. Keith had to force himself to start eating them regularly. If Keith hadn’t married me, he’d likely be a lot heavier than he is right now. And I’d probably still never know wonderful real butter makes everything taste.
I’ve always loved to travel, and even before we were married I had seen a lot of the world, saving up my money from my jobs as a teen to tour around overseas. But my trips were confined to museums and tourist attractions. Keith, on the other hand, likes to get to know people. Over our years together we’ve ventured further abroad, most recently to Kenya. Within five minutes he knew our driver’s life story. The porter in our final hotel told him all about his education. Keith finds a way to draw out people I would never have normally talked to, and I’m gradually learning, too. If I had my initial instincts, we would have seen the world, but only from a distance. And if Keith had his, we never would have seen it at all.
Over the last twenty-three years we have changed. I am not the same person who walked down that aisle, and he isn’t the same one who was waiting for me. I loved him dearly then, but I love him much more deeply now. I think we make a mistake when we search for that soul mate, the one person who completes us. The more I think about it, the more I think that we become each other’s soul mate. Just by being with each other, we change each other.
It isn’t a matter of finding the perfect person as much as it is becoming the perfect couple.
Compromise. Spend time together. Stretch yourself. You just may find that you’re becoming made for each other, after all.
So often we think that when our marriages don’t work it means that we married the wrong person.
And yet, I don’t think there is a right person. I think you become the right person, the more you commit to each other and stick it out. You aren’t born “made for each other”. You become “made for each other” as you adjust to each other with grace.
Change happens gradually, but it will happen more dramatically when we decide to let God set the agenda in our marriages, and not us. When we say, “God, whatever you want from me, I’ll do it,” rather than “God, we’d get along so much better if only you would change him,” then our marriages will blossom. Instead of getting upset about your differences, see them as opportunities for growth.
Marriages don’t succeed because we marry the right person. They succeed when we become the right person. (click to tweet this!)
This post is part of The Virtual Marriage Retreat that six marriage bloggers are doing, every Monday in September.
So far I’ve talked about:
Embracing Grace
Embracing Change
And all the other bloggers have, too! Today, you can follow their links and see what they say about embracing the differences in your marriage. And here’s your challenge for this week:
Embrace Your Marriage Challenge: Don’t just tell your husband that you love him today. Tell him some of the reasons you love him.
Courtney: Women Living Well
Ashleigh: Ashleigh Slater
Darlene: The Time Warp Wife
Lisa: Club 31 Women
Jennifer: Unveiled Wife
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This is such a stunning article and a well written piece. And so true. There is no way at the young and tender age of 20 you could possible know that you’re marrying the right person. But, you can grow to be the right person – each and every day, by the decisions you make and the love you give, and receive from your partner. And you can always make sure that you are moving towards being the wife God wants you to be – no matter what obstacles are in your way, or no matter what life gives you to handle. Amen to this!
Thank you so much! I always loved this column when I first wrote it in 2007, so it’s neat how well it fits into the theme now.
And seven years later, my husband and I are still changing together. We’re looking at doing new things with our jobs together, and taking new adventures, but we’re doing things together that we would never have done apart. And that’s really neat!
Sheila, great column. We DO change… how awful would it be if we were stagnant? We’re supposed to be helping each other in the process of sanctification… not always easy or comfortable, but GOOD. We’re supposed to balance each other. If I didn’t keep a hand on the budget, we’d be deeply in debt. But if I didn’t listen to Kerry and loosen up sometimes, we’d never have had some wonderful vacations with the boys (investment in our family) or added on to our house (thank God we did!)
I cracked up a little, though, when you mentioned being married 16 years, as I’m guessing it’s a bit more than that now!
Julie
Yep! I wrote it in 2007; we’ve been married 23 years now. I wonder if I should edit that? I don’t know, because I did write it in 2007…
I was kind of confused. You may want to more explicitly state that this is a rerun of the column, or just change the number. I was like ?? If you’ve been married only 16 years all your kids were born out of wedlock. And I know that’s not right
Okay, thanks! I was wondering about that. I’ll go change it now.
So true, Sheila, I am only 6 years marriage and can think about a dozen ways my hubby has changed me for the better and i have changed him. Comes down to surrendering to God, ESP in those difficult moments and asking Him to transform us to be like HIM. As long as we are becoming like Christ, we’ll meet somewhere down the road. lol! I love how He makes all things beautiful in time!
And your post also reminded me of this wonderful couple I know who got married through an arranged marriage. But by looking at them now, you wouldn’t believe it was! It’s really all about becoming the right person! Great thoughts!
You and your husband have been through so much together, too, Ngina! Moving across the world–that’s intense! And isn’t it wonderful that we do get to go through these adjustments together? I think people forget what a blessing it is to change and learn together. 🙂
I love this post.
One teaching that had a huge impact on me was that “God created Adam in his image, male and female he created them”, means that Adam, the first human being, was originally created in the image of God, and later divided into man and woman. So, when a couple comes together as husband and wife, they are recreating that original union and are two halves coming together as a whole – and that whole is in the image of God.
Each of us is only half of the image of God. That’s obviously still very precious and valuable, but it’s not complete. We are good, but not perfect. We don’t need to be with an identical twin – we need a soul mate who will complement us.
Many times, opposites attract – and then drive each other crazy. We can stop that when we step back and realize that we are supposed to be different, and that God intends for those differences to exist and to be used together. For example, I’m really calm, while my husband is full of energy. I can’t say that my calm personality is better than his. I need to realize that aspects of both of our personalities are needed, and that we are most effective when his energy gets us going, and my calm approach manages stress and prevents us from spinning out of control. For example, my husband bought a new TV last week. Left to my own devices, I’d have put off buying anything, and then put off assembling it. Left to his own devices, he’d try to do it himself, and something would break. We know this about each other. So, he takes the initiative. buys the TV, and makes sure that we set aside some time to assemble it. I know that he needs my help, so I get off my tush, read the instructions in small print, and figure out how to put together the stand and connect the cables. We do the heavy lifting together.
This isn’t just the sort of compromise where I think, “well, I know I’m right, but I’ll bend to make peace.” It’s where we each recognize that we truly need the differences that the other brings to the table because that’s what God intended to work together and that’s how we will truly be able to be in the image of God. There is true respect, because we recognize that our spouse’s different traits are just as Godly as our own. There’s no saying, “why can’t he be more sociable/talk less/energetic/calm/generous/frugal/punctual/easy-going, etc.”.
That theology is problematic. Husbands and wives are meant to complement each other and become one, but you can’t extend that to say a person is only half of an image of God. Or that you have a soul mate. That has some serious problems for singles and widows/ widowers.
I can see both points here–I think that male/female each exhibit different parts of God, and together we reveal something about God’s desire for relationship with us. Single people are fully human and fully in God’s image, but the married couple reveals something unique about God’s passion. I’m struggling with writing a series in a few weeks on what sexuality means when you’re single, and how single people do have very legitimate sexuality, so I’ve been thinking about this, and it is really hard to express.
Personally, I think single and married just show different parts of God’s heart. I think the single person can “marry” God in a way, as the nuns used to, and find passion there. And I think as we marry, we’re forced to adjust and let go of self and we learn about God in a different way. It’s tough to describe. I do know what Cynthia’s saying, though, and I think it’s important: it’s not that Adam, as male, was in God’s image and Eve was an add-on; it’s that the genders were divided afterwards. Male is no more in God’s image than female, and that is important to state, especially with the male dominance that has often been so much a part of the Christian church.
Anyway, that’s probably all very confusing. I’m still working through it!
I didn’t intend to write anything that was hurtful to anyone who isn’t married.
Every person is valuable as an individual, and is still good and precious. I just meant to say that we shouldn’t see ourselves as being totally perfect and complete, with no need for the input of others. It would be pretty rare for someone to have a personality that was entirely balanced and neutral – many personality traits are balanced out by an opposite trait.
I know this wasn’t the main point, but you have no idea how happy I was to read that you didn’t speak outside the house until you were 7! My kids are so very quiet. They are getting better, but it’s still tough to even get them to answer a direct question from people at church, for example.
I really was so shy! I overcame it, though. I would talk up a storm at home and then say nothing when we left. Drove my mother nuts!
Thank you for this, Sheila! Loved it and looking at our soon to be 16 year marriage, I agree with you.