It’s a new school year, and a time of new beginnings! For the last few Septembers I’ve joined in a “virtual marriage retreat” with a bunch of other great marriage bloggers to encourage us all to intentionally build our marriages. Every Monday in September six bloggers will all be posting on the same thing–with our own twist to it! You can read our posts, and then click through the links at the bottom to read everyone else’s.
Today’s theme is Embracing Grace, and I was thinking about my own unique take on that. I don’t want all of us to write the same thing, of course!
Now I write a ton about the importance of sex, but does that have to do with grace? And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it did. I know others will be writing on forgiveness, and so here are some different thoughts on how we can make grace tangible in our marriages–by realizing the importance of sex as a vehicle to show love.
What is grace?
The definition is “unmerited favour”–showing someone favour not because they deserve it but because you want to. Jesus, of course, was the perfect example of grace, forgiving us not because of what we did but because of the price He already paid. And He asks us to show grace to others, too.
Let me suggest that one of the best ways to demonstrate grace is through the act of making love.
Let’s dissect this: what about the word “unmerited”?
How many times do we diminish the importance of sex by saying “I’ll only have sex if he deserves it”?
We may not use those words, but picture this: you’re lying in bed and you’re tired. He’s tired, too, but you know that a lot of your exhaustion is because you were running around all day with HIS kids, and he did little to help. And you shouldn’t HAVE to have sex when you’re tired!
Or perhaps it’s not exhaustion as much as it is feeling distant. You haven’t had time to talk in a while because you’re both so busy with work, and he doesn’t seem to miss you as much as you miss him, and it hurts. Or perhaps he’s been working late a lot lately and your life has become entirely the kids, and he doesn’t seem to be bridging the gap. Why should you reach out to him when you feel hurt?
I understand. I really do.
But here’s the thing:
Men make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved to make love.
When we feel distant, we tend to withdraw. To our husbands, that seems as if we don’t love them, because to them, the way to bridge the gap isn’t to talk, or spend time together, or be affectionate. Those are all nice, and men do enjoy them, but their primary way to experience love is through sex. When we start holding back, he feels unloved. And if he feels unloved, it’s hard for him to reach out to us.
Here’s where the “favour” part matches up with the importance of sex in your marriage.
When you make love to him, he experiences that as “favour”. It turns the whole relationship upside down for him. No longer does he feel distant; he now feels connected.
Sex is like your secret weapon–it’s just so powerful to turn your relationship around. When he makes love to you, he feels loved, and his body releases oxytocin, the “bonding hormone”, which makes him feel closer to you and more positive towards you. That’s why the day after sex he often laughs so much with you! So if what you dream of is a marriage where you feel one and where you have fun and feel like you can communicate, it can start with sex.
Over this month in our Embrace Your Marriage retreat we’re going to look at the different aspects of marriage where we can grow. But let me suggest to you that if you start making love more, right off the bat, you’ll likely have an easier time feeling loved, forgiving, reaching out, and growing your friendship. He feels positively towards you, you feel closer to him, you laugh more–and everything gets easier. So instead of thinking of sex as the LAST thing you fix, recognize the importance of sex and make it one of the FIRST.
The message of grace is showing unmerited favour. You don’t have to wait for him to deserve it, or to do everything right, or for YOU to get it all together. You can jump start that process.
Now, hold on a second! What if sex doesn’t feel pleasurable for you? What if it creeps you out because of past abuse? What if you’ve lost your libido? What if you’d LOVE to have more sex, but HE doesn’t want to? I know that many of us struggle with prioritizing sex because of all kinds of issues, and I don’t want you to live like that or settle for less than what God designed marriage to be.
In my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex I address all of these issues–and more–at length, so that you really can enjoy a great sexual relationship with your husband. Check it out!
Recently I ran a post by a woman who said that she had stopped having sex in her marriage because of kids, and work, and exhaustion–and then she realized how distant they were. When she started making love again, everything changed.
If you struggle with sex for various reasons, get the book! But if it’s just that you’ve fallen into a rut, think tonight about how you can give your husband UNMERITED FAVOUR. Give him something he will interpret as a gift, whether or not he’s reached out to you lately.
Here’s today’s Embrace Grace Challenge (that all of us bloggers are encouraging you to do!): Before you can extend grace to others, you should start with the preparation of a pure and tender heart. Pray asking God for wisdom and guidance in this area. Think of how God’s grace has impacted your life, and acknowledge the areas where you have been forgiven
All the participating bloggers have their own unique take on grace in marriage, so please visit them to get some other ideas of how to make grace relevant in your marriage!
Darlene: The Time Warp Wife
Lisa: Club 31 Women
Jennifer: Unveiled Wife
Courtney: Women Living Well
Ashleigh: Ashleigh Slater
A note to my regular readers: I know usually on Monday I post reader questions. I’m going to try to scatter them throughout the week in September, and then in October we’ll get back to Mondays again!
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We are having a Marriage Simulcast at church on October 4th called “I still do” by FamilyLife.
How fun!
When obstacles abound and we feel emotionally disconnected, it is very hard to be gracious. Prayer goes a long way toward helping to extend grace! I struggle with grace, but Christ got my heart on board! Great post, Sheila!!
Hi Sheila ~
Please help. I so want to be that kind of wife. I deeply desire a peaceful sex life with my husband. I want to be able to meet all his needs — I don’t want him to feel frustrated or unloved. 🙁
I truly enjoy sex, when I’m up for it… which averages about 1x week. When we are together, I’m a fully enthusiastic participant. Yet, sex has become such a sore subject for me… because I do try so hard, and it’s still never enough. Sometimes my heart feels like it could just shatter. The stumbling block for me is “life”. Just feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by inevitable difficulties and responsibilities.
I love my husband dearly and don’t want to dishonor him, so please understand that I only say the following because I’m looking for help… I feel that our problem starts with what seems to be my husband’s lack of empathy. He really is a great guy, I just think he chooses to remain blissfully unaware of much of what is going on around him. So, somehow all of life’s problems land on my plate. And, I’m overwhelmed. So often when he pursues me, it hurts MY feelings. I feel so unloved and uncared for. I don’t know how to convince him that my exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed is really OUR problem… that it’s inappropriate to expect a plane to fly without fuel. My lack of desire is his problem too.
I’m also so worn out from all of the “conflict” that happens after I have refused him. It certainly doesn’t help me feel more rested or more interested in being together sexually…
You mentioned that sex is like a secret weapon, that will make a husband more connected or loving. I don’t find that to be the case. After we have sex, he just wants more of it. It becomes THE topic of conversation that day. Most days all he wants to talk about is the sex we just had, or he’s grumpy and complaining about the sex we didn’t have. In the meantime, I’m trying to handle life (homeschooling, meals, laundry, cleaning, yard work, sick children, etc. etc. etc.)
I use to be in the once a week sex boat too. And sometimes I wanted to skip a week. One day I heard Courtney Joseph’s video about how she “makes love to my husband anytime he wants it.” God used her to show me that that was not my attitude. but God gave me a desire to have that attitude. I wanted to change. It didn’t happen overnight. I started reading a lot about sex in marriage through godly blogs like this one. It helped to change my thinking about my marriage. It was an education. I wanted to put my husband in front of all that other stuff called life. God was changing my heart. We added another day of sex to our week. Then another day of sex. and we slowly built up on our intamacy. There were days when I did not want to have sex, but I prayed about it and God changed my heart. Sex is something that I truely enjoy now. I crave my husband and miss him when we go 2+ days without sex. My relationship with my husband got WAY better, even though we had always had a good realtionship. Things just got better. I could see my husband changing too. We have grown a lot this last year as individuals and as a couple. We celebrated 16 years of marriage this August. I don’t want to take my husband for granted. We don’t know how long we have on earth. When I look back on my marriage I don’t want to have any regrets.
If you want to make changes in your marriage then pray about it, educate and encourage yourself through this blog. Decide what on your list you can let go of (cleaning, laundry, yard work?) If you put your husband in front of those other things he may help you more with these things. I mean, that shouldn’t be the goal, but if you pray for change God will change you and he will change your husband. Watch it happen. It’s WONDERFUL! God is faithful.
Thanks for the post…I can’t afford a book right now AT ALL,but I am having a hard time in my marriage. My husband has health problems,and sleep issues,and I have health issues,and we have a disabled son. Whew! So,needless to say,our sex life is VERY lacking. We try to spend time cuddling on the couch,and watching movies,but the dog gets jealous(really! She barks and whines when we kiss and cuddle,lol!),and he has stomach problems which causes him to get up and use the bathroom a lot,and our son has to be changed/cathed every 4 hours(he is 16,was in a car accident years ago). I’m starting a very high pressure,government job soon,and I got to school part time(online). So our life is about to get more hectic. Hubby is the stay at home parent/caregiver to our son,and I am always running errands,turning in papers,mailing things,and trying to study and do classes in the evenings while they are sleeping(only time I can concentrate). So without me spending money on books I can’t afford,how do I fix this? How do we become closer? 🙁
Thanks for the post. I don’t feel totally comfortable going into everything. But basically my husband and I have been married 20 years and we have no sex life. He has struggled for years (even before we married) with a type of addiction, not open but definitely of a sexual nature. I was unaware exactly what was going on until a couple of years ago. It all came to light and we almost got divorced. He let me feel bad all those years thinking that there was something wrong with me. Every man is supposed to want sex, right? Not him. We tried counseling but it seemed to me that they were often harder on me than him. I felt attacked in some ways. So we no longer go. He says he no longer struggles and I forgive him and still love him. But neither of us try now. It has been probably a year since we tried. I can’t make him do anything and I don’t really believe in divorce, especially since we do love each other. But it puts a huge hole in my heart and my spirit. I have been told by Christian women that I need to look to Jesus to fulfill all of my needs. But did God not give us marriage and sex? We have emotional needs. And I feel emotionally broken. I have tried for years to get him to understand and now I’m tired so I don’t make an effort. Besides, I can’t take any more rejection. Please pray for me and my family. And thanks again for the blog and the support.
I absolutely love your take on the topic of Grace today. I think we as wives need to be reminded how important this is to our marriages. What a great word today Thank you!! 🙂
Thanks, Tiffany!
Any guys reading this? My wife and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. We”ve had our ups an downs as many others. I read allot about this topic as I want her to understand. We are always so connected when we regularly have sex. But the problem is that this does not happen often enough. I try to explain but it just does not register. I do my best sending her text messages during the day to warm things up, tell her what I want her to wear when we go out, and then, when we get home from dinner shes to tired. And me? Al exited because we had such a great time all I want is to hold her, make love to her to show her how much I love her. Her response? Sorry babe, to tired now, maybe tomorow. Well, I am just abouy to give up!
My message, ladies show your hubbys the love, make love! The contents of this post is so true!!! When the sex is there regularly our hearts are filled with love, love for you our beautifull, sexy, sweet wives.
Great job Sheila! Wish all women could realize that we are not sex addicts, its just that we want to be close to our wives.
Be nice to wives CJ
I love the connection between sex and grace. Our relationships with our husbands encompass all: tone of voice, time spent together, decision making, misunderstandings, triggers of past wounds, and … sex. All aspects of our relationship require grace — both directions. My husband said this week that my comment shamed him, something we are becoming more sensitive to in our relationship, but he extended grace to me even though I hurt him. Back and forth, back and forth, grace to you, grace to me, grace to you, grace to me. Sex is in the mix of grace to you, grace to me.
Just wanted to say that your words resonated in me. My husband & I have been on different planets for many months now. I actually copied & pasted a portion of the post & sent it to him, simply letting him know that I was able to put myself in his shoes & realize how my turning away hurts him. I asked him to do the same for me, with the hope that he might understand a bit more about why I am not always so ecstatic to jump into his arms. Thank you for an eye opening look into the different playing fields.
Hello to everyone. Just wanted to post this point of view, that marriage courtesies are reciprocal. If only a husband could see how his coldness and aloofness hurts his wife and does not put her in a romantic mood, then maybe he could see his role a little clearer. Wives are people too and have needs and wishes, and desires. We talk quite a bit about husband needing sex and then trying to make a wife feel bad, because her sexual urges do not match his. We as people need to be realistic and stop trying to make wives be like husbands. We never do this to husbands.
Women are not made the same way that a man is, strength wise, sexually, and some other ways. We are rather hurtful, when we scold women for not being made like a man. Yet and still we scold wives for having unfair expectation of their husbands. Also, I have not seen anyone express understanding of a woman’s tiredness and being overwhelmed and suggesting ways to let the husband know how she is feeling. Where is there any compassion for the wife and how she does need help around the house and foreplay too, which might turn her on and help her to look forward to sex?
No one thing is more important in a marital relationship and sex definitely is not. We don’t need to keep saying this.all things work together to make the marriage right. Why do you think we have so many divorces. What is important to one person may not be important to the other.
Sex is not more important to women. Foreplay is not more important to the husband. But the other needs what they need. Both the man and the woman, must strive to give those things to the other. So, we should stop scolding just the women/wives, that they will cause damage to the husband if they do not give sex, UNLESS you all will also scold the husbands/men that they will damage the wife if she is not given foreplay and romance.
The only difference is that the male tends to grow cold, distant, nasty, and wants to or does cheat, while the wife keeps smiling and kissing his ______. and she turns him off in bed.
Wow, and we put all the blame on the wives, wow!