Our society frowns on marrying young.
We want people to be established, be educated, and play the field first.
Personally, I think marrying young can be a very good thing. Tonight my daughters and I will attend the wedding of a 19-year-old woman named Emma. She’s a sweetie, and she’s so happy, and I’m excited for her.
So I thought I’d write about the pros of marrying young. But first, a few caveats:
I do not believe that everyone should marry young.
In fact, in many cases young marriage doesn’t work. If the couple really is not very mature, they could be making a very bad decision. I get nervous when a 19-year-old chooses to marry who hasn’t really seen the world much or expanded their social circle at all. If all they know is a very small corner of the world, they may not know themselves very well yet.
Finally, many young people marry to escape. They want to feel grown up, and they want to get on with their lives, and marriage seems the easiest course.
In almost all these cases, these young marriages will not be good ones.
I’m also fully aware that many people will not meet anyone suitable to marry until they are a little older. I have a good friend who married for the first time at 42 a few years ago. She would have loved to marry earlier, but her love didn’t show up until she was older. I in no way mean to shame people who have not married young. I know often being single older is not by choice. I have frequently told my daughters that while I firmly believe they will marry, no one knows when that will be, and they need to work at being comfortable on their own and with God instead of thinking their lives are only complete once they are married.
Nevertheless, none of that means that young marriages can’t work, and so here are 10 reasons why I think marrying young should come back into vogue. We’ll start with the benefits to society, and then look at the benefits for the couple themselves:
Why Marrying Young is Good for Society
1. Drifting Through One’s Twenties Can Waste a Key Decade
When people expect that they’ll marry at thirty (the average age for first marriages is now at around 27 for women), then they tend to see their twenties as their time to explore, not their time to settle down. Everything gets delayed. You can spend a few years experimenting with different careers (or lack thereof), or traveling with no purpose, or hopping from relationship to relationship. As I talked about last week, though, your twenties are an important decade financially. If you can start saving then, you really set yourself up well for life.
And the earlier people start saving and maturing, the better off and more productive society is.
2. Having Babies Younger is Better for Society
Physically, the best time to have babies is in your early twenties. Yet few people are married or ready today at that point, largely because we have extended adolescence so far. While most people had babies young fifty years ago, today having one’s first baby after age 30 is the norm in many circles.
Yet while socially we’ve changed, physically we haven’t. And as fertility rates drop, perhaps it would be better for society to prioritize maturing younger rather than prolonging the years when you “find yourself”, especially since those years really are so valuable.
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Why Marrying Young Can Be Good For You
3. You “Grow Up” Together
When you marry at 20 or 21, you haven’t always figured out what you want in a house, or how you want to organize a kitchen, or how you want to pay your bills. You don’t know what you want in a church or where you want to live. But you can grow up and make those decisions together, and it’s kinda fun!
When Keith and I married at 21 we had no idea about how we wanted to spend vacations or what kind of house we wanted, let alone how we wanted to do housework. We just figured it out ourselves. And because we hadn’t had our own routines for so many of these things, it wasn’t hard to merge.
4. It’s Easier to Merge Two Homes when There’s Not Much To Them
Imagine you’ve been doing your finances on Quicken on the computer for ten years, and then you marry someone who keeps all receipts in shoe boxes. That’s tough to find a new way of doing it, when you’re both so set in your ways.
Imagine you’ve had ten years since you moved out of your parents place to set your own traditions for Christmas and Thanksgiving. Now you have to do it all over again, when you’re emotionally wedded to the things you’ve already done.
It’s just tricky to merge two households. It’s easier to start off together.
5. You Can Be a Younger Parent
I remember being 27 years old and having one toddler on my back and one baby on my front and getting on the Toronto subway for 45 minutes, with 2 transfers, to get to the zoo, where I spent 6 hours with the kids, only to reverse the whole process.
There is no way I would have had the same energy to do that if I were 37 instead.
And here’s the thing: so many people say, “I want to travel before I settle down! I want to see the world!” But my youngest will be leaving home next year when I’m just 45. (I’m still tearing up at that a little, by the way). Keith and I are going to do some major traveling! We’re going to buy an RV and start seeing the world, little bits at a time. We’re heading to Australia for a conference. It’ll be wonderful (and hopefully take my mind off of my kids being gone). We’re still young, we’re still energetic, but best of all, we have some money now. We didn’t have any in our twenties. We can travel way more now than we could have then.
6. You Can Be a Younger Grandparent
I think a lot of people forget this one: my mom became a grandma at 51. She was so energetic with my girls. She’s 71 now, and she’s still active, but the girls have such strong memories of her being much younger. They remember when she was still a career woman. They remember her doing really fun trips with them. They will always have very clear memories of her.
On the other hand, my grandparents were 62 when I was born. While I have great memories of one of my grandparents, my maternal grandfather had a massive stroke at 64. He was a really strong, active man, yet I only remember him in a wheelchair with impaired judgment. My maternal grandmother, apparently, was just like me. She was opinionated, extroverted, and great at public speaking. Yet most of my memories of her are post-dementia.
My mom has many friends her age who are just becoming grandparents now. I actually hope my girls have kids young, because I’m looking forward to piling grandchildren in our RV and taking them around North America.
7. You Resist Temptation
If you’re with a guy you totally love when you’re 21, and your parents say, “you have to wait until you’re 25 and that graduate degree is finished before you marry”, how in the world are you supposed to resist the temptation to have sex? Sure it’s possible, but it’s awfully hard.
When you love someone and feel close, you’re going to want to make love. It’s natural. Physiologically for men especially, the sex drive is highest from 18-25. It’s really, really hard to wait, and when I hear Christian parents saying, “I hope my son doesn’t marry until he’s done med school and residency when he’s 27”, I wonder what they’re thinking, frankly. Walking down the aisle to meet the only one you will ever make love to is such a beautiful thing and a gift. But if we start telling hormonally charged teens that they have to wait 15 years post-puberty to get married–fewer will wait for marriage for sex.
8. You Avoid a Lot of Heartache
If people married young, perhaps we’d have fewer “exes” and fewer regrets. So much of the problem in marriages is caused by past baggage. If we put the expectation on kids that “it’s fine to get married at 21” rather than “you had better not get married until you finish your degree and you have a good job”, then people would treat relationships at 20 more seriously. They wouldn’t think, “this can’t go anywhere, so let’s just have fun!” Often that “fun” ends up causing a lot of tears.
9. You Can Focus Your Goals Earlier
Once you’re married, you can start making real plans. Where do we want to be in 5 years? In 10 years? When do we want to buy a house? What education do we need? Where do we want to live? Certainly you can do those things when you’re single, but it’s often tricky since you don’t know where life is going to take you. Once you’re married, you can nail these things down. And if you do marry at 22, then you will start thinking about buying a house. If you don’t marry until 28, you’re often not worried about buying a home at all, and so you rent for years.
Researchers have found that marriage boosts one’s income and one’s net worth, all on its own, even controlling for class, race, and education. Being married makes people hunker down and treat life more seriously. And that’s good, because it means that ultimately you’ll be financially better off.
10. You Have Decades and Decades Together
I am so looking forward to growing old with my husband, but I am also looking forward to years and years of having fun together before we do get old. He is my best friend. He is my lover. He is my favourite person in the world. I am so blessed to be able to be with him, and I am so blessed that we do have all these years together. Why would you not want as many years as you could with the man that you choose?
Again, I know that not everyone will meet their marriage partner young, and that’s okay. There’s nothing inherently wrong with marrying later.
My problem is that we’ve started to see marrying young as inherently wrong, and I think young marriage actually has a lot of benefits–probably even more than later marriages.
My dream would be a society that focused on helping teens mature faster so that they would be ready to marry younger again. I personally think that would be a healthier society overall.
So I’d encourage all of us who are parents to stop hoping our children marry later, and start preparing them to launch into life younger. It’s okay to marry in college. It’s okay to marry in your early twenties–as long as you’re sure of your faith, you’re sure of yourself, and you’re sure of your relationship.
What do you think? I’d love to hear!
Why Sex Should Be Saved for Marriage:
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you for this article! It was just what I needed.
I’m 21 and hope to marry my boyfriend right after turning 23, God willing. I live in Europe and getting married young is even more unusual here than in the US or Canada. It’s like marriage has lost most of its meaning, with people living together for years before getting married, and divorce being so easily available. Now that getting married at 30 or so has become the new norm, people who get married young actually seem to get a lot of criticism and consternation. Or people think the only reason you’d get married young is because you’re pregnant.
I know I shouldn’t really care what people think, other than my family and church, but do you or any of the commenters have ideas as to what to say to people who think getting married young is a dumb thing to do?
Ask them to show you scripture that states that marrying young is a bad idea. God created marriage and only gives us two stipulations; marry a believer and it is better to marry than to burn!
Absolutely! AND I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THE BURN PART. Whoops. Just amended the post to include sexual temptation as #7.
I would be careful about that. I have seen good young Christian couples take “better to marry than to burn” a bit to far and marry so that they can have sex. They usually end up divorced a few years later.
I’m with C.S. Lewis on this one: “Better to commit fornication than to add perjury to it.”
Thank you, but if they believed that the Bible is valid and true, they probably wouldn’t think negatively about marrying young in the first place.
Not true. I know MANY Christians who don’t believe you should marry young. They listen to society rather than believe God’s Word.
Yes, but I believe what Kate is saying is that in Europe where most are NOT Christians at all, saying, “the Bible says it’s a good idea” isn’t really going to convince them. They have no real biblical heritage or biblical belief to base it on.
I agree that many Christians also don’t believe in marrying young, but I think Kate was talking more about a European cultural phenomenon.
Lori,
While I am in complete support of a couple marrying young, I’m hearing you imply here that it is more biblical to marry young than to wait. “They listen to society rather than believe God’s Word.” God’s word says nothing about what age a person should marry. Please don’t add to scripture and imply that early marry-ers are more spiritual or better Christians, or that those who wait to marry until the ripe old age of 29 are “worldly”.
Very true. As a culture we have definitely moved away from those principles.
You can ask them why and just refute them on every point. There really isn’t any good reason to wait, so you should be able to counter anything they say with a well thought out response. Or you can say: I know what I want, I don’t see the point in waiting to get it.
Or you can be slightly more catty and be like excuse me, I didn’t realize I asked for your opinion.
Or you can just smile sweetly and say nothing.
Agreed. I always felt it was nobody’s business except for mine (well, and his). I didn’t bother arguing with people — I just said “This is my decision” (not always exactly like that, it depended on the situation) and then stopped talking about it. And now here I am 5 years later at age 24 and doing just fine! People don’t bother you about it after you’ve been married for a while. 🙂
I completely agree with you, Sheila! We married at 22 and began having babies soon after. I would have loved all my children marrying young but none of them found their spouse until their mid to later twenties. Now they are all very happily married. They knew age wasn’t a factor in getting married, but in waiting, they all found amazing spouses. I am not sure why most couples are getting married later today, even those who would have liked to get married sooner…
I wonder if the reason it’s harder to marry young is that there are fewer people who want to? When, even in the church, we start saying, “you should be 25 or 26”, then even those within the church don’t really think seriously about marriage at 22 or 23. Perhaps that’s part of it?
You may be right. It may be a whole mind set that has subtly infiltrated the church that one must have an education, a career, money socked away, etc. before marriage. I love what Dennis Prager states about married…it matures men faster than anything else! I have seen that with my older son. It has been the best thing for him. He works VERY hard to support his growing family.
I don’t know. We just had like 5-9 couples in my church get marry this year. There’s more to come. I think they were all in the 19-25 range. Except one couple was 27 and 28. And I know the church has been praying for a husband for the 28 year old for at least 5 years now.
We’re in a college town and our youth pastor tells the boys to get their stuff together and get married all the time. So maybe that helps. But no-one here would even bat an eye at a 21 year old getting engaged.
Aaand then there’s me. Who’s 27 and still not even engaged. I’m a spinster, and acutely aware of the benefits of marrying young. I wanted to be on baby #2 by now. But then I made bad life choices and went to grad school for chemistry instead. *sigh*
I think that this article is so dumb. Listing off reasons why you should get married young is putting pressure on people to get married young, which you harped on people for putting pressure marring old. You are a hypocrite for doing that. I went to Liberty University and was discontent because there was so much pressure to find a spouse. That pressure was ridiculous and the source of so much pain. I wish that people could understand that there is not right or wrong time for marriage!!! To say that one is better than the other is completely tarnishing God’s gift. The point of marriage is not to make a lot of money, be a young grandparent, or to even be happy. The point of marriage is to reflect the picture of Christ and the church, which you can do at any age. If you look at the benefits of marriage instead of it’s purpose, then you clearly missed the whole point. So please stop deceiving people into thinking that if God doesn’t bless them with a husband until they are older that their marriage is ANY less special.
Me and my girlfriend have been together 1 year she graduates this year and and by the time she graduates I’ll be 20 and she’ll be 18. Is it a bad idea to get engaged write after she graduates?
My husband and I got married when I was 18 and he was 21. We Just recently celebrated our 6 year anniversary. We have 4 babies (we had our first one around our 2 year anniversary), have a booming business that we thought of and started together and our farm is paid for from working hard and being dedicated. My husband also had bought his first farm when he was 19. We loved each other and knew we wanted to get married so why wait? Look what we have now together and at the age that most are just starting to think about marriage! (I’m 24, he is 27) I wouldnt have it any other way. But yes, we had A LOT of critisim getting married so young and a lot of gossip (they must be pregnant!). But now people don’t mention it any more.
Yes yes yes! I’m 27 years old, coming up on our 5 year wedding anniversary, as well as our 3rd child. My husband was emotionally and financially mature, and we both came from large families. 3 out of four of our parents became grandparents in their fifties, except my mom, who was 48!
However, both our parents have a long ways to go until the nest is empty! My husband’s baby sister is almost 14, and my baby sister, only 7 years. 😉 By the time she’s married with children, my parents will no longer be “young grandparents”!
Yes, that’s a good point! If you have a large family, you’ll be an “older” grandparent no matter what! 🙂
I agree wholeheartedly. Fortunately all of my three children met their life partner in early to mid 20’s. Each own their own home and are self sufficient. Each have a blessed us with a grandchild, one here 2 on the way. I look forward to taking them to Wonderland and riding the coasters with them in a few years. And I can, because I am still youngish myself. I see many of their friends still living at home, relying on their parents for even gas money or entertainment funds. This, in my opinion, is a parental issue. Do you really need to allow your mid 20’s child to live at home unemployed and pay for all of their needs and wants? I shudder to think what retirement will look like for those who have not been set firmly on their own two feet early on. The added bonus for us as Christian parents is that they have all married within the Christian faith and are active in their churches as well. I believe as Christians we are also to be active members in the body of Christ where we worship. This too can only happen when we raise our children to be mature in their faith and lives. They will be enriched as they give back to the church and the God who loves them, thus maturing them even more quickly. At 51 years of age, I am truly blessed and thrilled to be married to a wonderful man for over 32 years. Wouldn’t change a thing!
Hi Kim! Great to see you here. And I totally agree with you! I bet you’re a wonderful Grandmother, too! Here’s to the Ghoster Coaster at Wonderland!
This is such a fun post….My husband and I married when we were both 21….Sometimes looking back I think “What were we thinking?” We were just babies! and we had no clue what we were doing! But I also remember how precious that time was…He was in the Marine Corps so I moved to North Carolina when we married and we started our life together all alone basically. Our family and friends were in Alabama….so 12 hours away from all familiarity and we just did life together the best we knew how…and how fun it was…like an adventure really. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything. And no, we didn’t have our careers figured out, finances or ourselves really….we learned and did all of that together…I think that’s why we are strong now, because we had to learn and fail and succeed together as a team.
Yes, I’m the same way! We figured it all out together, and it WAS fun.
We have seen both sides of this in our family. I married at 24, after finishing college, simply because no one came along until then. I had always hoped to marry at 18, but didn’t have anyone to marry then. My brothers, however, all married young (21, 20, and 18) to girls they had known from our homeschool group for years. They’re all doing well, having babies, and with strong marriages.
My husband was 40 when we got married, so his parents are older. Our little girls have one set of grandparents who are young (50’s) and still have kids at home and another set of grandparents in their 70’s who can’t get around much. I realize my girls will likely know and remember my parents better than my husband’s parents simply because my parents are still in good health and can get out and do things with my kids.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. My husband and I got married at 19! 2 years later (I know we are still young) we are so glad we did! We are each other’s best friend and looking back we are able to see how God was grooming us to become each other’s spouse. It was sincerely disappointing however when people would go up to our parents and siblings abd ask how our new baby was….WE DON’T HAVE A KID! for some reason when two young people decide to get married, people assume it’s because they got pregnant….just throwing that out there.
We had our obstacles in getting married early, but in turn we have so many experiences that we’ve learned to work through together.
My wife and I met in college and married at 21/20. Having been through this, I would say:
1. There is no reason NOT to marry young if you have found the right person.
2. There is no reason to feel like you HAVE to marry young, either. What matters is the person, not your age.
You do grow up together and that can be great. Our experience has been wonderful. Unfortunately, a very high percentage of people we know who got married at about the same age we did are now divorced. That being said, I don’t think the problem is so much age as that I think many people who do get young either marry for the wrong reasons or make poor choices in a spouse.
As for children, having babies in your early 20s is HARD. You’re working entry level jobs and have very little social support. Forget the whole “saving money in your twenties” thing if you have children, because guess where your money will be going? (This is especially true in the United States where the medical bills for the little blessings can be quite expensive, even with insurance.) That being said, having a 10 year old in your early 30s is awesome. Your still young enough to enjoy them. Plus you have the option of having more if you start earlier. While you won’t be as young for your youngest as you were for your oldest, guess what? Your youngest will have cool older siblings who are still young themselves. Having young grandparents is great too.
I think you hit on a good point here — it’s not the age a person is when they marry that matters the most, it is the *person* they choose to marry. I think both sides of the “marry young” or “don’t marry young” argument focus way too much on age and the benefits that may give the couple and neglect to focus on finding the right person. Some people may find their spouse earlier where other people may not find their spouse until later. One isn’t better than the other, it’s all in God’s timing for each individual person.
I think it’s also important to emphasize that a person shouldn’t settle just because they’re “getting older,” which, to be honest, I don’t think marrying in your mid-late 20’s should be considered marrying older. The focus should ultimately be on finding a good spouse, not feeling pressured due to age.
I was 23 and my husband was 25 when we got married and the #1 response we got from people at the resort on our honeymoon was “Oh…you’re so young!” to which I started to reply “Well, 18 is legal.” 🙂 I have a sarcastic evil twin inside of me who likes to come out and play sometimes.
I wish people would see marriage as being less about age and more about overall maturity. Some people are more ready to be married at 19 than others will ever be at any age. My mom was 19 when she and my dad got married and they’ve been married 35 years. I have a few friends who got married basically right out of high school, as soon as they turned 18, and are celebrating tenth anniversaries. So it happens. Being young when getting married does not automatically equal failure.
And y’know what, while I’m on this soapbox, being young does not equal failure in ANYTHING. Being young and energetic used to be considered a good thing, back when kids were taught how to channel that youth and energy into hard work to prepare them for adulthood. That’s why I don’t freak out when I see a Duggar kid getting married young and having babies right away. Because their parents prepared them for adulthood and people should be asking them how they did it instead of criticizing them.
Amen! I love the Duggars- they have indeed raised some responsible kids (and adults).
I think you have a lot of great points! I wish I could have married younger, but I didn’t meet my husband until I was almost 31. Decent Christian guys that weren’t already married to my friends were hard to find. I do have a lot of friends from church who married young, though, and my parents were only 18 when they married and are still together, so I know it works. I guess the advantage on my end in unintentionally waiting till I was older to marry is that whenever my husband and I do have kids, I have a lot of experienced parents around to ask for advice!
We were both 19 when we married and, 10 years later, we still know it was the best choice. We faced a fair amount of opposition and a number of people were surprised when the pregnancy rumors turned out to be false. We grew up in an area and church where getting married young is pretty common though but, since we moved a couple years ago, we have noticed even moreso how out of the ordinary that it. I love all of the reasons you listed and have been telling them to people for years now. I also would add that I never got really settled into a huge career when I had my first child so it was easier for me to “put my career on hold” to raise my children and I believe my children will be infinitely better off because they have had a prent present and involved. Plus, when you start out young and earning starter incomes, you get used to living within your means which makes having a stay at home parent a much easier transition.
This is a very important message. Marrying “young” worked in our grandparents’ day and it can and does work today. A big reason for the delay in marrying is so that young people can finish their educations and start their careers. I say let’s retool education and our economy (especially in the US) so that young people can enter the workforce by age 20 or 21 and marry then. (I would not recommend young people marrying and living with one or the other sets of parents or in-laws. From a practical standpoint, living with one’s in-laws adds pressures and stresses to the marriage.)
As to “burning” and temptation, yes, there is much serial fornication and promiscuity in the decade of the 20s. Marrying earlier or younger thus avoids the issue. Young women and young men ought to find sexual fulfillment within a loving marriage which is what God intended, and that is a good thing.
Thank you for sharing this! I agree with this post! I too got married before I was 20 and it was the best decision! My husband was 25 and had finished college and had a great job, so I actually was blessed with both benefits (me being younger for all of the above reasons and never regretted it and him being more established and having a means to support). I have also thought about another reason for a long time too….. intentionally allowing yourself to wait to “discover self” often leads to bad discoveries. We are not naturally good and if we give ourselves at a young age to decide what we really want, we drift further from our parent’s ideals and morals and allow the world to take us over and over more until we have little resemblance to our upbringing. Our hearts are deceitfully wicked – we will not naturally chose and discover the right things (at least very rarely). By marrying young, you have the motivation to stay on track for your spouse and your future children. It is basically like instant sanctification 🙂 Children are another level of instant sanctification on top of that! Thanks for sharing!
I was 21 (by less than 1 month) when I married my husband (he was 22). We had known each other for years, were best friends and yes, burning with passion. 🙂 We have had adventures together, birthed degrees and children and grown up/matured together. Would I be a different person if I hadn’t married that young? Quite likely. Do I regret it? Not at all. It is actually quite cool (to me) to look back at who we were when we married and think of the ways we have matured individually and as a couple.
It does make it weird when your peers are just starting out in parenthood and you are all done with the baby-toddler stage or your parental peers (people with kids the same age as you) are a decade older, but is just life.
In my opinion, as Christians, waiting to get married has its advantages too. It helps us learn to make God our priority and to allow him to complete us in every area of our lives before anybody else. I say this because it was one of the first things I noticed when I first got married, somehow all my devotion and attention wasn’t just for God anymore but because I experienced being complete in Him it helped me to be more conscious of not making an idol of my husband. Something else I noticed is that being single for a longer time allowed me to build up friendships that otherwise I wouldn’t have had the time to make and that helped me be more socially, emotionally and mentally mature. I also have the feeling that many people make sex a god in itself and the main reason to get married. I think the Bible also teaches self control is a good thing and we can “survive” without sex. Whether older or young, we need to choose who we’ll marry not just because we want to go to bed with them but because it’s the right person for us (as other readers have commented). I have realized that many Christians don’t ask God if it’s his will for them to date and marry a particular person. It’s like we don’t want God telling us what to do in this area of our lives, even though he wants the best for us.
Another reason (not as important as ones you have listed!)…. In the US, it may be easier for 2 young married people to afford a college education than if they remain unmarried and at home with their parents.
Many young people may qualify for a different financial aid package when the FAFSA generally looks at the income of 2 newly married young people versus the income of their parents. When you are married the FAFSA looks at your marriage income and not your parents income. This could be huge financial benefit to very young families and made be a huge blessing to their parents. It may be a great way to make college affordable when it otherwise could not be.
“It may be a great way to make college affordable when it otherwise could not be.”
I’m sorry, but a financial aid advantage cannot be a “reason” to marry. Yes, it might be a nice side benefit, but I would have a nice long talk with any couple who says, “we want to go ahead and get married so that we can receive more financial aid.” I’m sure this isn’t what you meant, but it is what you said. Yes, it would decrease student debt. But it could be a recipe for disaster.
The exception here might be a couple who has been dating all through high school, and truly know that they want to get married.. Realizing that getting married wouldn’t hurt their financial situation could help them move in that direction. I could back that.
This post kind of broke my heart. I always wanted to be, and assumed I would be, married around 20 or so. I was spoken for by 19 but that fell through shortly after. After that I waited and waited, then went through a serious “I think this man is the one I will marry” relationship (because he seemed so serious and *said* he wanted to settle down and start a family with me) only to have him up and decide he didn’t want marriage and family at that point in his life (at 27! Still too young to settle down?! Sigh). So it was back to waiting. Long story short, God brought the most perfect and amazing man to me when I was almost 24 but due to long distance and job obligations we didn’t marry until I was 25 and now at 27, I am still hoping and praying for a baby. Had I been writing my life story, I’m pretty sure I would have written it with me having a few babies by now and a good many years of marriage behind me. Sadly, that was not the case. I try to trust God and his timing but the closer I get to my 30th birthday with no baby, the more I grieve over the years I am missing out on being a mother. (And the more I realize when we do finally have kids, they’re going to be around when we’re old, hehe!) So while I would agree that too many have put marriage and family too low on the priority list, I think there are lots and lots that would have loved to have married young, but just didn’t find that special person early enough. They may take up a career while they wait, and some people may think that’s all they care about or that they’re just “playing the field” (or in my current situation, people assume and/or judge that I just don’t want kids or we are putting money before kids – so not true!) – that’s not the case. We just don’t want to wear a label of “can’t find a husband” or “can’t have kids” for all to see. 🙂
Please don’t let this article discourage you. God brought an amazing man into your life at just the time that He decided. He has a plan for your marriage, and it most likely includes blessing you with children in His perfect timing. You aren’t old. Not one bit. Enjoy this season in your marriage, and trust God for the rest. So you may not be a 50 year old grandmother. That’s okay. You’ll still have oodles of fun blessing your grandkids some day.
I completely agree with you Sheila! I am 22 and my boyfriend and I hope to get married next year. I think that when you get married, it forces you to grow up and be responsible, but our culture has become so intent on avoiding responsibility. I am ready to be done with the “in-between” stage of being a young adult instead of prolonging adolescence. I also think our culture sees marriage as a trap or as something limiting, instead of something that is freeing. I look forward to marriage because I will be free to go on even more adventures with the man I love, but without having to say goodbye at the end of the night.
I wanted to meet the right woman when I was young but my wife and I met when we were 34/31 and got married when we were 35/32. God knew what he was doing in our lives. My wife was well worth the wait. The only downside is that we are now 75/72 and our grandsons are only 5/3 with vastly more energy than we have! By the way our marriage just keeps getting better and better.
My wife was just out of high school, and though our families knew each other through our whole lives, the 9.5-year age difference between us hardly mattered. In fact, in many ways I believed she was more mature than me. But, after 17 years and two teenagers, I learned that she was one of those ‘many young people marry to escape’ you alluded to. Everybody’s now mad at everyone — except for one of us, who is just extremely sad. I don’t have the financial wherewithal to — no, that’s not right — we, as a family, didn’t have the financial ability to deal with the strain of just one more catastrophe. One income due to her health issues, and having downsized last year to a house at half the mortgage (our savings were completely eaten up by our first home), we were just coming out of the ‘tunnel’, facing our final car payment in February, when the strain of pretending became just to great for her to continue — and when I left gracefully, I left everything but what was in my old junker, behind with my … her … family. I don’t know how to gauge the maturity of myself at any age — and I was unable to know that my beautiful bride, my deepest most-cherished love, would need most desperately for me to be her getaway driver, her children’s father, her protector, her breadwinner, her … well, everything but her confidante and friend. Those would always be roles played by other people. So, I plead with couples who are thinking of tying the knot… your age will not keep you from happiness if you can truly commit; but a spouse is not just another compartmentalized role… it’s your very best friend. The only one, in the end, that matters.
What an amazing post! I am 22 years old, and I recently got engaged to my boyfriend (FIANCEE!) Justin 🙂 I’ve really been praying and just falling more into God during this time in my life – I hope to marry next year, when we’re both 23 years of age. It’s not ‘young’ compared to 19 year olds, but people STILL think we’re nuts. I love these reasons. 🙂 I’m so excited to grow up and grow old with him.
I got married young. I was 21, he was 22. Now it’s been nearly 18 years and we have 4 kids. Pure chaos, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 🙂
The only thing I would say if someone asked me if I thought they should marry young, would be to ask if anyone around them has reservations. Parents, friends, fellow church members, etc, can often see “red flags” that are hard to spot from inside a relationship, especially when you are young.
When we got engaged, nobody was surprised and lots of people said they saw it coming. I took that as a good sign – people older than us, with solid marriages, whose opinions we respected, were not surprised to hear we were planning a wedding. That, to me, meant that we had something right and that we could last.
I have enjoyed your articles until reading this one. The timing of when to get married and have babies is in God’s hands thankfully, regardless of society trends. I wanted to get married at 20 but thank you Jesus he took that man out of my life and blessed me with the man of my dreams at 25. I’m in that bucket of a 30 year old happily married, financially stable expectant mother. Sorry if that is bad for society.
I really like what you have written Shiela. I’m so glad that you have written and made it plain about the change we need to marry younger. I married when I was older, and spent 8 years teaching kids as a teacher during years I could have been having fun with children of my own, if I had found the right spouse sooner. I’m glad you understand that not all of us ought to marry young.
My husband and I married at 22 and people said we were too young, but I wish we could have married sooner! They said to get out and enjoy life before you get married, but I really wanted someone to enjoy it with! And now, in hindsight, we wish we had not waited 4 years to have kids. Everyone told us to wait and enjoy life so we did. Now we regret limiting God’s Blessings and are praying that He will bless us with more children yet! (that might be a good article, Sheila, if you haven’t written one yet… Benefits of not waiting too long to have kids as the world encourages!)
Thank you for this great post! My husband and I got married at 22 and just celebrated our two year anniversary with a beautiful 6month old baby girl 🙂 Our parents ranged in age from 43 to 49 when our daughter was born. She is also blessed to have all but two great-grandparents and THREE GREAT-great-grandmas! It is so cool to have five generations together. That wouldn’t have been possible without each generation marrying young. The biggest problem we have faced with marrying and becoming parents so young is there aren’t many other couples close to our age. Almost all of our friends are still single except my husband’s cousin that is just a little older than us that just got engaged!!!
Our daughter got married 1 week before her 18th birthday and she didn’t “have” to either. Her goal in life was to be a wife and mommy and when Mr. Right came along early, we did not stop them. She will be turning 24 in Sept. and has 3 little ones and 1 due in December. She has NO regrets! She loves her life and would encourage anyone to marry young.
Thanks for this Ms. Sheila! I love all your articles and books! So glad for your boldness in speaking truth!
Interesting ….I did not marry young. I was 26 and my husband was 36. My parents paid my way through college and 1. marrying during college would not have been supported 2. I didn’t date anyone in college so it would have been hard to marry haha. After college I moved to my favorite place I had visited while on family vacations and started my teaching career at 21. I loved my single years they were full of very meaningful lessons involving teaching, being introduced to women’s bible study/ministry, deep friendships, and church involvement. We just had our first child and I was 31 when he was born. Both marriage and parenthood were significant adjustments for me (as well as blessings) and I don’t know if I would have handled it in my younger years. although we will be old parents and very old grandparents so that is a down side. haha.
I love it. I giggled when I read the part about you being 37 and having a toddler and a baby, and how you wouldn’t have had the energy at 47. My grandma was 37 when I was born, and 59 when she became a great grandma ( I was 22, my mom was 20 and my grandma was 17 when we had our first babies) My mom is 55 this year and has 13 grandkids, my dad and I had all the boys at the cottage for a week this summer *except my one nephew who is a year old. I think that he had more fun than they did. My brother and sis in law were married 2 months after she graduated from high school. They have been married for 14 years now. I love having a young family. I know it’s not for everyone, but it definitely has its upsides 🙂
I got engaged 2 months after graduating from undergrad and married one year later after just turning 23. One of the best decisions I ever made. Love the post Sheila.
Even though I married at 30 (Mr. Right didn’t make his appearance until my late 20’s), I heartilly agree that getting married younger is better. I found myself saying over and over that I wasted my 20’s (see #1) and that we had too much “stuff” to blend when we did get married (see #4)! I also believe that long-engagements are a recipe for disaster, but I think I’m in the minority these days! Thanks for such a thought-provoking and eye-opening post!
This article is very encouraging. I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 29. I know that when the time is right, I will one day be a Mrs. I’ve been praying really hard and trusting in God the last couple weeks more than I have been before. Temptation is hard, but I have realised that when that special day does come, it will be a gift. Also, I fully realise that wanting to have sex is no reason to marry early. I’ve realised it’s because my boyfriend is my Accountability partner, best friend, and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Making prayful decisions is key and trusting in God’s timing. Thanks everyone for their encouragement. I’m open to comments on what I posted, I really appreciate it. -daily reader
I married young and it was a disaster. It lasted barely 3 years. After the divorce, I took the time to get to know myself and what I wanted from life, so when I met and married Mr. Right when I was 34, it was a love that has lasted through thick, thin and everything in between. No kids…that wasn’t to be, but that’s ok.
I don’t think marrying young is the “answer” to anything. Some folks are ready to settle down and be married, kids, mortgage and all that stuff at 21, and others aren’t ready until they’re in their 30’s. After my disasterous first trip through marriage, I was gun-shy and definitely not ready to make that sort of commitment any time soon. It took 10 years, finishing college, establishing my career and myself before I was ready to even think about marrying again. I needed that time to finish growing up, to figure out what I wanted in life and from a spouse, to solidify my identity, as a woman, as a professional and yes, as a Christian. Once I found Mr. Right who wasn’t “Mr. Right-now” I was able to give him ALL of me…and to be secure enough in myself that I didn’t need his acceptance to boost my self-worth. Instead of trying to make myself into someone else to please him, I presented myself as I am and it was his choice to accept or not. He did. The man loves me beyond reason and for that I am glad. We have something that neither one of us was ready for when were in our 20’s…we just weren’t mature enough yet.
We were not able to have children, but we’ve managed to open our home and our lives to foster children and have had a lot of joy doing that. No grandkids, but lots of foster grands that we love on and enjoy. We have a full life, without kids and without marrying before we were grown-ups.
Each person is different. Presenting young marriage as a blanket prescription is doing a disservice to every young person who does not feel ready nor willing to be married before the age of 25, to every young person who has dreams of furthering their education before being tied down with a family, for every young person who wants to establish themselves before taking on the awesome responsibility of a spouse and family.
Hello there
I love that article, especially point 5&8 !!! I am 27 happy & happy married with 4 kids (planning one more)& next year will be our 10’th wedding unniversary ! I always prayed for my future love sinse I was a small girl & the Lord was willing to give it to me 😀 For sure have to agree you have to be mature enough as we’re both from difficult families we were far more mature in the age of 17 already. When I was 18 & my future husband 19 we got married & we have never regret this decision. It is nice to hear someone does agree its not a bad thing to get merried early or even more, that its a good thing to get married young. When we were getting married sadly even my mom said whats the point if we will brake up soon anyway couse we’re far to young. But we both new that our love is a true, everlasting love. We grew up together but especially as christians, we got baptized together 1 year ago & it was beautiful. Lets make people aware of the great positives of getting married young. Thank U Lord! Couse of that we have more strenght & time for ourselves & our children ! Praise the Lord !
I wanted to be married in my early twenties and have lots of children but was married at 33. I didn’t even know my husband until I was 32. I am thankful for the years that I had to travel and do want I wanted without any real responsibility. Even though I wanted to be married, I decided to just enjoy life and be available to serve married people with children, and being able to really focus on my relationship with Jesus. Now I know that when my children get married and have children I will be an old grandma but I feel like I am young at heart. I also will not discourage my children from marrying young, if they are marrying someone who is madly in love with Jesus and they are willing to spend the rest of their lives together. I don’t think there is a right or wrong age to get married, but a right or wrong mind set.
You assume in this article, that all people are choosing to wait to marry. What about those who would prefer to marry young…but don’t find their love til later!?
Actually, I didn’t assume that. I specifically said it in the article–that I know that many don’t find their love until later, and I talked about my friend who didn’t marry until 42. I certainly didn’t mean to make people who married later feel judged; I tried to make that clear in the beginning of the article, but I’m sorry if I didn’t do that well.
My issue isn’t that some people don’t find their love until later; my issue is that society is telling us early marriages are bad, and I just don’t think they are. That doesn’t mean everyone can, should, or will marry young, but to say that marrying young is bad isn’t true and isn’t good for society as a whole.
I’m sorry if I didn’t make that clearer!
I was 22 two months from turning 23 and my wife was 22 when we got married. I don’t regret getting married that young. People kept saying we were to young and in our wedding pictures we look like kids, but God has given us 28 wonderful years together. We are now grandparents and that is great. My inlaws married latter on in life. My father-in-law was 35 and my mother-in-law 38. They also had a happy life but my wife was not allowed to by as much of a child as we were growing up because her parents did not have the energy for it. I would agree. There is no reason to hold off getting married. Being older does not make marriage that much better.
Hi Sheila!
I wanted to take a minute to say how much I love this article! It is so spot-on! I’ve been reading a book about today’s younger generations and how they are extending their teen years into their twenties, living at home longer, etc. I agree that society would be much better off if they would mature faster.
My husband and I were both 20 when we married, and although looking back I can say I would have liked to have known myself better at the time, you are absolutely right that doing life together and “finding” myself along with my husband has been a huge blessing! I feel like we’ve grown up together. We were high school sweethearts, together at 16. In November, we will be celebrating 17 years of marriage and 21 years of being together!
We have an awesome relationship that has deep roots. We can both talk about our hometown, our families, our high school friends, and other memories and know what each other is talking about. (I have recently thought about how if I had married someone from a different place or as an older person, we wouldn’t know each others Facebook friends. We’ve spent so much of our lives together that we can share, laugh, cry and bond over our own issues…down to things like our friend’s Facebook statuses!)
We are raising three daughters now. I am 37, sending my youngest to kindergarten. (Transitioning into life as an at-home-mom with “Empty House Syndrome!”) It’s a new season that is sweet and sour, but I’m ready for it and am embracing it. When I look at my friend down the road who has three kids under 6 years old, at age 42, I rejoice with her in being blessed with children…but man, I pray for her!!! I can’t imagine it.
We have a very rich and full story. I am so happy to have experienced it all with my husband. He is my best friend and it’s awesome to have had him by my side through it all! Thanks for this post and reflection…it’s a blessing to me today!
My hubby and I married young (19 and 20). Ten years this month! One thing I’m thankful for is that we are never able to really compare life on our own with life together. We’ve pretty much always been together 🙂
I think it all depends on the maturity of the couple. God has different timing for each marriage. We met at 20 and 31, but married at 27 and 39. Military service was the reason behind our meeting and separation. We were both active duty and that can be hard on a marriage. I’m happy that we got married five months after I left the military. I think of the 5 years apart as God preparing me to grow into the woman who was meant to be a wife.
Having red your article I find myself not agreeing with you. I was married at 18 and had my daughter at just before 20 years old. Being so young, looking back now, I was nowhere ready to settle down. You say that you grow up together but as I grew up and developed my character there were (and are) conflicts because I am not the person that I was at 18. The truth is that most people change a lot and develop who they are during their early 20s. While it can work for some lucky people there are so many that say that it doesn’t.
As for having kids young being good I wish I had waited to have my daughter. At that young age I didn’t have the patience and the maturity to be the best mother that I feel I could be now at the stage that I am in my life.
I also suffered financially because I had not prepared myself properly for what adult life is and all the responsibilities that that entails.
It seems to me that Christians are more worried about not having sex outside marriage than couples being properly prepared for such a big commitment that is marriage.
My husband and I got married at 18/22. We just celebrated 30 years! My whole family is made up of young marrieds’ (my parents -52 years). One of my daughters at 18 and the other at 21. Both my brother and sister. “Growing up” together in finances, houses, how you do life, where you live, where you go to church, etc. all was an experience to find and work on together. There are lots of memories, a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of love. I’ve got 4 grandsons now and I am so grateful to be a young Grandmother! It may not be for everyone, but it sure has been great for us.
I did _not_ marry at a young age. Not because I was picky, or playing the field, or “just having fun” – but because Mr. Right did not show up until I was 29. Before that, I had _one_ boyfriend. I didn’t meet Mr. Right in my youth group, and after that, I seemed to be in environments where there were few males, most of them a lot younger than me, and the ones my age already married or at least engaged. This wasn’t how I had pictured my life, but I have to trust that God knew what He was doing.
BTW… I did grow up in Germany. I’m not sure how the financial situation or possibilities are here in the US, but — getting married young is all fine and dandy, but where’s the money for rent and groceries coming from? I don’t think your parents ought to foot the bills once you formed your own, new, family unit.
I don’t really see why not. I they are supporting you as a single say at college or grad school, why can’t they give you the same money when you are married?
I think Sheila is specifically talking about people who are delaying marriage for no good reason. For example I know a young couple who dated through high school and ended up at the same college. They knew they wanted to get married. Their parents were paying for their schooling, rent and groceries. But for some unfathomable reason the parents didn’t want them to get married till after they both graduated. So temptation won out and they started sleeping/ living together instead. Both parents were against pre-marital sex. If they’d just let the couple get married, they would have avoided temptation and saved the parents money to boot.
Alchemist and Ilka, this is a really interesting issue, and one that I haven’t fully come to peace with myself, and one that I am actually dealing with in our family (though I don’t want to blog about that because it really is my daughter’s story not mine).
But my instinct is to agree with Alchemist–if the kids are going to be in school for years more anyway, and you’ve always promised to pay for tuition, then why would that stop just because they marry? On the other hand, I do think it’s a good idea for people to start off marriage as their own entity, without ties, because I do think in-law issues can grow in a marriage. And I don’t want to be that in-law who is still interfering. So I do think it’s a tough one!
Will you be speaking at the conference you are planning on coming to Australia for? I’m interested to know where and when.
I would absolutely love to! In fact, I’m reaching out to all my Australian readers in the next week to try to book something. If you know of a church that may be interested, can you email me here?
I agree with all your points. I was 19 and my husband was 23 when we got married, though he’d already been on his own for 7 years before we were married. I believe marrying young was the best decision for me, since we knew from the time I was 16 we would spend the rest of our lives together. God has been so good to us.
Love your case for marriage. I think the note about traveling before kids being an invalid excuse is interesting because you are able to have more energy and travel in your 40’s after the kids leave.
A late “PREACH” for you on this. Young marriage is the only solid way to avoid premarital sex. Folks who are against both young marriage and premarital sex are living in something other than reality.
Beyond that, I especially like your point 3. Becoming one is a lot easier if you are not two well matured people when you get married. Sure it can be done, but it is a whole lot more work, and many do not manage it.
This post makes me so sad because all I wanted out of life was to get married and have children – young. I did not purposely delay marriage. I was 32 when I got married, and because my husband had a heart tranpslant two years later I was 36 when my baby was born. I agree with each of these points so much. I’ve personally experienced them. The only point I’d kind of disagree with is #5. Yes, I’d would definitely have more energy at 27, but my age doesn’t stop me from doing anything. Having a baby at my age actually keeps me young and healthy, I think. So I would go to the zoo for 6 hours without blinking now. You do what you have to do, and God gives you all that you need.
Great article. You have written sensitively on a topic that is a touchy one for many people. As you have alluded, many people don’t meet their spouse until later in life. I don’t agree with the generalization that having babies younger is better for society, as many older parents believe that they are better parents because they are older. While lots of young parents do a fabulous job too, some struggle with the loss of freedom, lack of finances etc. It really depends on the person and their circumstances. There is alot of pressure in the church to marry and to have children, and we have to be careful about encouraging younger marriages, while younger marriages can work, they sometimes have more struggles. While young people may be ready for sex, they are not necessarily ready for the commitment of marriage. People ideally ought to have worked through any issues of brokenness and need to know who they are. Many people don’t know who they are until they are early-mid twenties and the frontal lobe of your brain hasn’t finished maturing until you are 25.
Agreed, however, if our society would stop babying teenagers, and allowing them responsibilities and freedoms, and stop treating them as if they can’t handle responsibility, I can guarantee we would see more maturity at a younger age. Just read history books! So many people were living lives as adults at sixteen! They were respected and responsible and ready to face life.
So true! This is exactly what I was thinking. I’m 20. I’ve been ready for years. 😉
Just caught up reading all your posts after going on vacation and getting the kids back to school. I so agree with your views on this. Sometimes I want to tell my kids to wait to date or fall in love until after college, after they have a job, and a place to live. But ultimately I know that it will be their choice and that I will be there to support them when the time comes to get married. I married young,18, and am enjoying the fact that I had our kids quite young and now I’m only 34 and my youngest is 13 and we all get to hang out on awesome vacations and other fun activities! I don’t regret marrying and having kids young one bit. Especially when I see moms going through baby’s early years (when it’s all about the baby) and I am so relieved that I’ve been there, done that, and now just get to enjoy my children. 😉
LOVE THIS! LOVE THIS! LOVE THIS! Sharing this post with the Future Marriage University (FMU) community at https://www.facebook.com/FMUniversity.
My favorite quote: “My dream would be a society that focused on helping teens mature faster so that they would be ready to marry younger again. I personally think that would be a healthier society overall.”
That’s PRECISELY why my wife and I started FMU, to empower the wise individual to prepare for their future marriage like a successful career: intentionally, intelligently and IN ADVANCE! I hope you’ll check out our little website. Here’s a post you might start with: http://f-m-u.com/Blog/marriage-will-make-fat-nonsense-2/.
So glad to see you here! I’ll check out your FB page, too.
I just want to say, I love this so much! My husband and I married when we were 21 and have been together four years now, five if you count dating. We have a one year old. I always wanted to get married young and have kids young. But sometimes I do feel like I missed out on traveling and I wish we had a house instead of our sad little apartments we have lived in. But, you have reminded me that I get to pick out an awesome house that we both like now, and when I finally make it to Europe, my best friend will be with me! Thank you so much for this article, it was awesome! So many good reasons to marry young:)
Love this article. Friends at 18. Dating at 19. Married at 23 and stayed true to each other and our purity commitments. It was hard, but worth it. We have been married 13 years and lived a lot of good and a lot of rough times, but no one I would rather be with. Your blog was the first marriage blog I found after our 15 week old son passed away. Our marriage broke into a thousand pieces after he died and I wasn’t sure we were gonna make it. God was faithful and we had a great counselor. Thank you for your ministry. I’m sorry for the loss of your son. Doesn’t seem to matter how many days pass, that ache is still I’m my heart.
I’m a Christian who believes I have met the one whom God intended me to find. I will be 22 when we get married, and he will be 23. Our families have both been extremely supportive, especially his sisters. At first he wanted to wait until we paid off our student loans, which would have taken at least 10 years. We sat down and talked about it, and I made sure that he knew that I would wait for him. But I also let him know that debt didn’t intimidate me. I understand why he wanted to wait but I don’t believe in letting worldly things like money control the destiny that God has laid for me. So after two years of dating, he proposed and we will be getting married in October of 2015.
Yay! Congratulations!
Although I am a 34 year old mother of 3, the oldest 14, youngest 8, I have to say this.
In the early discussion of Europe it was mentioned they do not have any biblical heritage to understand Christian views. Must we be reminded we left Europe less than 300 years ago to escape their excessive religious demands? Where is King James from? All of the Christian’s came from Europe, hence the Crusade’s???
Honestly the best legacy we can leave for our children and society is to care for our earth by not having more children/homes/cars/beef cows than the earth can sustain, leaving food and water for our grandchildren, and us as well since we will be so young when they are born.
When I can retire at 45 when my youngest leaves for college I will live in Europe where 300 years ago they were the ones judging us-the colonist’s were savages to the Europeans.
Silly how so many Americans judge people and countries based on their beliefs. A well known pastor in Europe was hurting children with his born again beliefs, and he was ejected from practicing in progressive European countries. A pastor molests children in Colorado and he sees NO jail time. Now who is more evolved? Just be more careful with your insinuations if you do not have the knowledge.
Thanks,
50 is the new 30!
You should come to New Zealand in your travels! If you’re going all the way to Australia it wouldn’t hurt to ‘pop over the ditch’ as people say. Marrying young in New Zealand is mostly something that happens in religious circles. The average age of an average kiwi bride is 29. Not even kidding. When I was shopping for my bridal gown people were confused that it was me getting married and wondering if I was a child bride! We’re really enjoying being married in our twenties and feel so miserable watching a generation of (our peers) young adults wallow around in a period of extended adolescence.
At the same time, I don’t think you should over -emphasize getting married as if that’s the only option. Sure the majority of people end up marrying but many are called to the single life. I was interested in your comment that you firmly believe your daughters will marry. Why is that?? I realise one of them is about to marry so that’s all sorted. But what if they’re called to a full single life and they don’t even look at that as an option because it’s not recognised or advocated?
Love this! Thank you! I got marriEd when I was 19, going on twenty, just days after my husband turned 21. We’ve been married for over 7 Years, and alReady have four beautiful children. We will leave it open to God if we should have more. I know the “knowing ” looks we got from people and I heard the whispers. In fact at my bridal shower I overheard someone ask how long they thought our marriage would last. Ironically one of those people divorced two years ago. We decided that divorce is not an option, that no matter what problems we face, we will work through them together and with God. It amazes me the doubt people have, but anyone who knows me and my husband can see that we are quite the pair! I don’ think anyone who knows us could ever imagine us apart. No, we aren’t perfect, we have our flaws. In fact we are willing to work out problems in front of others, and sometimes it make the a bit uncomfortable, we work through it until the end. We don’t call names and we have lots of respect for each other. My parents married young, and I guess they tAught us how to marry young, too. I can’t wait to travel the world when we are older and our kids are grown. In fact, we started to travel the U.S. With our children last fall, and we plan to do it yearly. We are homeschoolers, and we want the kids to see things! I am so glad we have chosen to do things the way we do. And I feel like we have such a head start!
I love this article. My boyfriend and I are 18 (we’ll both be 19 in a few months, and graduate high school this month), and have been together all through high school. We’ve known each other for about 6 years so we have grown up together, too. We’ve been talking about getting married because, well, we both know that we don’t want to be with anyone else so why not. He goes to boot camp in the fall, so we aren’t sure if we want to do a courthouse wedding before he goes and then have an actual wedding after he’s done with all of his training, or if we want to deal with waiting a year or more. My siblings and friends have all showed their support, but it’s hard to not listen to everyone’s negative comments and feel like our marriage would be doomed from the start. We’ve been talking about why we should or shouldn’t and we’re on the same page on everything. I start college in the fall and am not even slightly interested in being a part of the dating or partying scene, so I wouldn’t feel left out of any of that. If we get married I will be considered family more so by the military and would be able to move with him and what not, and that’s a huge bonus. I’ve been reading about young marriages because not many people near us are married young, so we know nothing of young married life, and I want an unbiased, outside opinion.
I’m definitely not proud of my past.
I got married on my 21st birthday to my girlfriend who was 16 at the time. We had the blessing of her parents, as well as an 8 month old son together.
We’ve been through the grinder in our marriage – all that stuff is out there to read on our blog. But that wedding day was August 28, 1987 – almost 28 years ago. And today, we are still married and BEST OF FRIENDS, serving Jesus together.
I definitely agree with the reasons you have but I have one question… if a young person feels they want to marry to be able to go on with their life and start their own life, family, household, etc, together with their spouse, and that isn’t a good attitude to have if you’re thinking of marrying, then what attitude or mindset should you have if you want to get married young?
Just want to add that just because someone gets married young doesn’t necessarily mean they will have children young, my husband and i get married at 19 and 20 and five yrs later still have no children and it is definitely not by choice but I know God has a reason for it because everytime I pray about it I hear Him say to wait! I totally agree with your post though I have 10 siblings and have seen about all the situations
My grandparents got married when they were 18 and my mom and dad got married when she was 19 and he was 27 and they have been married for 17 years now an they had me 15 years ago and my grandparents were 45 and 46 I hope to get married at around the age of 19
This article has helped me feel a little more comfortable with the idea of marrying young. The only thing is I’m afraid of what my family and his family will think. My sister got engaged at 21 and is now 24 and planning her wedding for next year. My mom got married at 25 and had my sister at 27. I’m 18 in my freshmen year of college and my boyfriend (21) already bought a ring. I feel that if we get married people will think it’s because of one reason. They’ll think “oh she’s pregnant” or “they just want to have sex”. Neither of which are true. I have no idea how to tell my family of my desire. The one thing I keep telling myself if that just because I’m engaged doesn’t mean I have to get married right away.
Wish I had read something like this as a teenager. Never dated in college cos somehow it was ‘forbidden’ in our campus christian group. So waited till towards my final year to start. Now can’t seem to meet the right person. I keep wishing I had started earlier to date/court. Turned 26 this year. Still praying and believing God. Will direct my children better by God’s grace.
I got married in October and im 18. so I decided to do a research paper on why I wasn’t wrong so your one of my sources
What about many of us good people that were never meant to find Love? What happens then?
My husband and I are celebrating 20 years of marriage after getting married at 21. 🙂 We’ve always been happy. Yes, we’ve argued but we’ve always had a great marriage overall. Marrying young was most definitely been good for our finances since we paid off our first home at the age of 37… and that was with 5 kiddos to support. We’ve always had a great marriage, and only wish that we had married about a year sooner! There’s also a part of us that wishes that we’d had our first baby a bit sooner as well. We were 25 when we had our 1st baby, and now that we have 7 children, it’s sometimes hard to wonder who might be missing if we’d gotten started sooner.
I *do* agree that getting married young is not for everyone, but if you find the right person it is often the right thing to do rather than wait. … I feel sick to my stomach with the way society acts like young marriages and having babies early-on in marriage is a mistake. I loved being young, married, and poor. We made it work, we grew up together, and we had each-other as accountablility. Even with that said, I knew of couples who also married young and did not make it more than a few years. They married for the wrong reasons. On the other hand, my husband and I were best friends long before we married. We were both Christians, as well.
I loved your article… I would just add that I have loved having babies even beyond my 20’s. We now have toddler to teen and feel so very blessed. We are now in our 40’s and don’t have extra time and money to travel, but I would not trade a single one of our little ( or big!) blessings for all of that. Time and seasons will change, but for now I am glad for where the Lord has me in this season.
One piece of advice to the single girls: Don’t marry the man you can live with; marry the man you cannot live without!
Great advice, Momof7! And I actually needed to be reminded of this myself today. 🙂
I would have married young, but then I wouldn’t have married my husband! We got married at 33 (me) and 29 (him), and we married within a year of meeting. So once we knew each other was the one, we didn’t wait long to marry. We didn’t wait to marry because of the reasons you stated, we just hadn’t met yet 🙂
God knew what He was doing, putting us together when he did. And the transition from adult singles to adult marrieds hasn’t been tough at all.
I’m glad, Kailin! And it’s great that God wrote the perfect love story for you.
Great post, Sheila!
Yes and yes! I married at 22 and now at almost 32 and expecting # 6 I am SO grateful I married when I did! I was just telling my husband the other day all the things you covered here, and I was saying I think we are doing a disservice to discourage younger marriages . It is such a beautiful thing to marry your love, make love to one person AND LIVE LIFE together!! Obviously maturity is the key. We parents have to do our job and raise our children to be adults by 18 like in my parents’ day. Not be thinking 18- 28 is party and “be me” time.
Thanks for this post!! High time we start saying these things and drop the stigma of young marriage!!
Thank you! I’m glad you liked it. And honestly, my daughter Rebecca is finding that growing with her husband is such a blessing, too! 🙂
I agree! I met my husband when I was 17 and we married when I was 19 and he was 22. No one who knew us well thought we were too young. As a Christian couple and with a heart to serve God there was no need to wait until we were older. We bought our first house after we’d been married a year (and consequently are now financially better off than most of our friends), we travelled together and we had so many ‘first’ experiences together. I’m 38 and we’re celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary this month. Being married longer than many of my peers also means I can help and encourage them in their marriages. Of course, as you said, it’s not that people SHOULD get married young, but if a young couple are devoted to God and each other, they shouldn’t be discouraged from marrying until they are older!
I agree with it all! I married my husband 4 days before my 21st birthday after only knowing him for 8 months. Together with our family it felt right. We made it to our wedding night virgins but I tell ya it was hard! He was half way through his teaching degree and we found his grades were much better when we could just go to the bedroom, get it out of our system and then buckle down and get the homework done.
I love reading your blog, thanks for talking about this stuff in such a clean way!
I married at 21 and my husband was 20. That was 48 years ago. We are still very much in love and are still having a fun life together. This year we are doing a month long bicycle/camping trip along the Loire Valley in France. I’m so glad I got to marry young and I would do it again in a minute.
I like your article. But as a mother of 2 daughters in their early 20’s that are in school. I prefer they wait till a little later. I married at 26. I just celebrated our 24th anniversary in July. And Marriage is no easy task. So i say, yes take your time, figure some stuff out and when the time comes and they feel ready to commit their whole life to one person then marry. I would rather they wait then divorce later.
We married when I was 21 and he was 32. Everyone (except my sister) were certain we would never make it. (At times, we thought we wouldn’t make it.) With God’s grace and Sheila’s help, we’re making it, and working on making it, and working on making it work. (Takes a lot of work!) And I’m sitting watching our 7-month-old bounce in his swing now. ^_^