What do you do when your husband’s job stress wrecks your sex life?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. As a doctor’s wife, I could really relate to this question from a woman whose husband’s job stress sucks the romance out of their marriage:
Hi Sheila,
I just had to write and say that hands-down, your book A Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex has been the most useful book I’ve read all year. My husband said there has been such a difference that he owes you a box of chocolates. (Sheila says: tell him truffles are my favourite!)
Speaking of my husband I have a question. He’s a youth pastor and my biggest challenge now is how do I change the mood at night for us? It’s common for him to get texts/calls from teens at night who are cutting or dealing with eating disorders or drunk parents. The mood goes from light-hearted and me being excited to having quality time with him in the bedroom to heavy burdened for these kids. Besides praying together any suggestions?
I have to admit that this is something I’ve struggled with and I don’t think I have an easy answer.
On the one hand, people would be quick to say, “you need boundaries! Just turn off the phone at night.” But when there are such horrible things happening that’s hard.
Sometimes Job Stress is Inevitable
My husband is a pediatrician who often has to respond to life and death emergencies at our small town local hospital. When we first moved here fifteen years ago, there weren’t enough pediatricians to cover the call schedule. There were often days that were completely uncovered.
And then, if an emergency happened at the hospital, what would the hospital do? They would phone Keith at our house because they were desperate, and he had a very hard time saying no, because a child could actually die.
I remember my daughter Katie’s second birthday party. We had family over, and it was a day that we had looked forward to for weeks. And just as I was lighting the candles the phone rang. A baby had been shaken and was unresponsive in the Emergency Room. Could Keith come?
He rushed to the hospital and stabilized the little boy for transport. He died a month later, and Keith testified at the trial that put the step-father in jail.
To this day I still remember that little boy’s name: Tyler Barriage. I write it here because I don’t want that poor little boy to be forgotten. He was only a little younger than my own daughter, and we were celebrating her birthday just as he was being killed.
I could have gotten angry at Keith for going into the hospital, and plenty of times I did–when it wasn’t as life and death. But that ultimately wouldn’t help.
So I don’t just want to say “get better boundaries”, because I really do understand the pull of these difficult jobs. But let me still give you some “big picture” strategies that perhaps you can use to reclaim your marriage in the midst of job stress.
Is the Job Stress Life or Death?
Some men (and some women–I can be guilty too) let their work intrude on everything. Often business owners are especially guilty of this. We have started a business and so we want to have control and make sure everything is okay. When people call at night, or when we have some spare time, we immediately respond to these job demands, and often family life falls by the wayside.
Is this life or death though? Certainly there are seasons when a business is in trouble and it needs more attention. But a relationship can’t sustain a workaholic spouse. This isn’t really the issue I’m addressing today, but I know that it is a very common one, and if your husband has a hard time putting his work away at night, then this post on dealing with a workaholic husband is likely more for you.
Does the Job Stress Just SEEM Life or Death?
What I do want to talk about today, though, is what to do with the job that actually IS life and death. But sometimes what looks like life and death may not actually be life and death.
In the letter writer’s case, I wonder if this is what’s happening. Let’s face it: if teens know that if they threaten to cut themselves that the youth pastor will drop everything and talk to you for hours, what’s going to stop them from keeping threatening to cut themselves?
If you are always at everyone’s beck and call for everything they deem a crisis, then crises will multiply.
My husband faced this, and finally the pediatricians sat down with the hospital and emergency doctors and obstetricians and said, “if you call us for everything we will burn out, and then you won’t just have 5 days a month with no one on call; you’ll never have anyone on call. So from now on you can’t call us unless it is truly life and death.”
So perhaps you can set up some systems so that people are still able to get a hold of you in emergencies, but only in emergencies.
Here’s one idea: turn off your cell phone outside of business hours, and let people know that if they have a crisis, they will have to actually phone your landline. People text without giving it much thought. To pick up a phone and have to call someone’s house is different. You realize that you’re calling a family. You realize that it may be dinner hour. There’s more of an inconvenience aspect. And to teens who text all the time, having to phone may slow them down.
With my husband, we also got into the habit of me answering the phone. That way I could screen his calls if necessary. If you set up the expectation that “I am available all the time by text during the day, but in the evenings I’m only available in emergencies”, perhaps some of these calls will lessen.
Recruit Others to Help
If you are in a job, especially a ministry position, where people are constantly in crisis, then you should not be the only person handling this. It isn’t healthy for the church, for you, or for the people you’re ministering to. What happens if a dozen teens rely on you for everything and then suddenly you’re in an accident or you quit your job from burnout? They have to be connected to the church, not just to you.
So set up a system where several adults become “buddies” for several friends. Or in a churchwide situation set up a system where certain elders in the church (it could be an actual position, or it could be volunteers with great wisdom) divide up the church phone book between them, and everybody knows who their own person to call is. That way the expectation is that you only call the pastor if it’s an actual emergency.
I went to a church like that almost two decades ago now. If I had an issue to talk about, I called a woman, and she was wonderful. But when my son died in the middle of the night, we called the pastor and he came down and sat with us. Now, if we had called him for everything, he would have been so burnt out he couldn’t have come the night we really needed him.
So perhaps having a talk with the leadership team at the church, or the hospital, or the police station, or wherever, and talking about how to divide up the task so that others are also responding to crises can work.
Get Out of Town Regularly
Finally, you can try all of these things and sometimes they just don’t work. With my husband’s job we managed to certainly minimize the intrusions, but they were still there.
What saved us was that we left regularly. We camped a lot in the summer. We took trips. We visited friends for weekends. And when we were away, Keith wasn’t able to help, so they didn’t call him.
Sure, there were still life and death situations, but Keith didn’t feel responsible if he wasn’t actually able to help.
For people who are always being bombarded with requests, physically removing yourself regularly throughout the year may be the only way to get some breathing room. Yes, people will still be in crisis, but you can say, “I can’t help you this weekend, and my cell phone is off, so you’ll have to call Mr. Smith instead.”
How Do You Reclaim the Evening When Job Stress Strikes?
There are some ideas about how to set some limits, but the letter writer also wanted to know: how can we reclaim the romance after a horrible phone call? I don’t have an easy answer. Certainly you can pray and try to leave it at the foot of the cross, but I know it can still ruin the mood. And that’s why I think it’s better to deal with the root of the problem and limit the requests on your time.
But if anyone has a good, practical answer to this part of the question, please leave it in the comments. How do you turn your brain off of your job and back onto your spouse after a crisis? I’d love to know!
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My biggest concern is the temptation of the wife to let frustration turn subtly into anger.
My husband, as a business owner and not at all a workaholic, struggled with pressure, and I often got sidelined. No life and death situation…payroll the next day.. not enough in the bank to cover it…our sex life suffered. My reaction turned to anger.
I see now how that solved nothing. This situation takes patience and grace. Grace to see that tomorrow presents hope for money to come in. And hopefully a celebration in the bedroom. Each time some work situation crowded out sex I had new opportunity to love him in some other way.
If only I could have been more prayerful and patient about what was clearly out of my control.
I would be very interested in hearing how to maintain a marriage when the husband is a workaholic and chooses sleep instead of being intimate with his wife. (She initiates most of the time)
My husband is a surgeon, and we now own our own business (the medical practise). He doesn’t do call that often and I think I cope with his call weeks quite well – after all I am also a physician. What intrudes more is a) conversations about the office, usually including a to do list for me, usually initiated once we are in bed and b) texting his staff about their to do lists – often late in the evening. I realize that boundaries are needed – but it does make me feel like a nag. He tells me he doesn’t find sex particularly de-stressing but needs to be relaxed first – me, I’m definitely the other way around, but his work stressing certainly kills my mood!
Is there another time during the day that you two can find time to be together? Intimacy doesn’t have to wait until bedtime, so maybe there’s a better time of day when he doesn’t get as many important calls. He may also have to set a boundary with phone calls from time to time.
Honestly, it sounds to me like the kids of the youth group have been given free reign to call when they want to. I don’t see how moving “intimate time” to earlier in the evening is going to solve anything.. the kids are still going to be calling.
earlier in the evening may be tough, but if the wife happens to stay at home they may be able to move their intimate time to a time while the kids are in school and less likely to be calling. my dad was a pastor, so i sort of grew up with this problem. since he worked so many evenings with meetings and such no one had a problem with him being home for a couple hours during the afternoons.
Also, not many teenagers will have problems first thing in the morning 😉
This is true. 🙂
Hello,
My husband owns a web company called BrandHoot (brandhoot.com) and has three employees. It is 2 years old and has definitely added a LOT of stress to our marriage. I am now at home with our two kids (2 and 4 months), so his income is our only income. Because he is the business owner and it is a tech business, he can work whenever and wherever, as long as he has his phone or his computer. I often feel like I am competing for his attention but try to be reminded of the pressure he feels to provide for our family. In the last couple of months, we have been especially tight financially, so he is under even more pressure. Connecting is often difficult, and work often invades our personal life as he is the business owner and must address issues when they come up. Any advice?
Amy
“But a relationship can’t sustain a workaholic spouse.”
This sentence fills me with despair; what does this mean, exactly? I can’t make my husband change his workaholic habits, but I won’t divorce him over it either. I feel like I am stuck in this sucky in-between place where people tell me to be grateful he is basically a nice guy and isn’t cheating or drinking. Church guys slap him on the back and ask, “Still working those crazy hours?” –like it’s a badge of honor. I am near to giving up hope for anything better and it’s a very lonely place.
Dear Meredith,
My dad was a medical doctor. He moved my mom across the country, far away from her family and friends to go to medical school. He worked and went to school for many hours. When he was finally a doctor, he left at six in the morning and didn’t get home until seven at night. We rarely saw him. My mom was a wonderful mother to us three girls. She provided a loving and warm home. She hated my dad working so much but I never heard her complain about it growing up. She got busy in the church and caring for her home and family. She is 83 years old now. She raised three daughters who walk with the Lord and married godly men. All of her ten grandchildren walk with Jesus. My dad is retired and so they are together all the time now. She calls him her “Rock!” even though there were times throughout my childhood that she mentioned divorce. She has reaped wonderful fruit for her faithfulness in staying by his side and doing the best that she could.
I can relate as well…my husband works A LOT and with things like Blackberrys its very easy for a supervisor or colleague to text/email at all hours of the day (and night!) I do get frustrated and have many less than graceful moments because I just wish he could turn the darn thing off! His job is not life or death, but it is very competitive…I know he worries that he will lose his job if he isn’t on top of it 24/7. It would be easy for me to get too busy doing other things at the church and in the community but seeing less of me isn’t the answer. I still try to create En Gedi for my husband, and only God can give me peace and satisfaction in that…it takes lots of prayer, and I am no expert- but I’m learning 🙂
Meredith,
I’m not saying this is the case, but it is often enough that it would be worth considering. Why does he prefer to be at work than at home? Is he respected there? Is there order there?
Again, I am not saying this is the case but it’s not often about how great work is, even if he enjoys his job but more about how he does not feel respected at home and/or has a hard time with the chaos that is in the home.
In Christ-
Before I posted earlier, I deleted a sentence about being tired of women being told that it’s their fault. You know, “Make your home a haven, and he will come home.” This thinking kept me from being able to discuss the issue in a productive way in years past because I felt guilty somehow. Raising a family is a messy, chaotic business at times, so I imagine every woman has guilt over what she could have done better. As I get older, though, I wish I had spent more time saying, “This is supposed to be a two-person job!” As far as the workaholic behavior goes, if we are looking for a reason, he’s done this his whole life, well before marrying. Perhaps he’s still trying to make his critical, workaholic, love-with-holding dad love him. I can’t fix that.
Meredith, thank you for your posts. Why should you feel a need to edit a sentence that is how you feel. I feel shame for the person whe felt a need to This is something that I have come to realize, the foot should have been put down long ago. Slavery was abolished over a century ago. You are right, you can’t fix that. I surf from the same beach
Minister, stunned by your sharp critique, that as women it’s all up to us, sink or swim. Cast the blame really is a soft form of bullying. Sad and shameful. How about a life preserver now and then, much more helpful than shoving another head under the waves.
It is important to set boundaries or limits in these type situations. For pastors and counselors, one such boundary is to inform others that after a certain time in the evening phone calls, texts, emails, etc are not going to be taken or responded to until the next morning. One has to reserve some private time each day for his/her spouse (and family).
These days, with so many 2 wage earner or 2 career couples, it can be the wife’s career or job pressures and demands upon on her time that are the problem or challenge in the marriage. It does seem that many of us are attaching too much importance to our careers. Perhaps, some persons need to step back and re-evaluate their priorities. There is always an opportunity cost that means the more time you commit to your career by working long hours the less quality time you have for other aspects of your life.
I find that when my wife is not in the mood or is not really interested in making love I tend to find more work in the office that has to be done. The reverse is true also. You may be offended by this but the emotional connection or rejection plays a part. I would rather make love to my wife than spend it in the office. But given a choice if being rejected verbally or non-verbally or go to the office and get some things cleaned up the decision is not really that hard.
Secondly, when we are in a period where we are active 2+ times per week it is amazing how organized and efficient I am. I hardly waste anytime (like I am right now) even thinking about it.
Perhaps less time in the office and more directed at time with your wife could give you reason to be productive more often. If the office is your priority, your wife knows it.
I’m in the same boat! Take time to realize what is important and what isn’t, talk about those situations together (for us details aren’t needed but I know a name and general issue so that I can cover it and him in prayer when calls happen)so you both knows what is considered a interruption worth situation. It helped me so much to know its an issue and not just teenage drama.
We also leave our phones in the hall drop box when we want alone time. They get checked again before bed, but then we are not interupted by what time the bus leaves tomorrow for an event. The students get his undivided attention during the week (if I called during youth group that would he rude) but periodically I need it to! I will add this is a hard one for him, but he has seen the benifit of not being distracted while with me. Meal time is another time phones are not allowed. We check them later, but our kids also deserve all of dad once a day.
If a student is able to text a feeling that means they are processing the emotion, knowing that what they are doing is harmful and need accountability. Its a great time to share the responsibility of caring for students with the leadership (weather it be volunteer leaders or a professional depending on the severity). They are reaching out for help and are willing to take it from anyone willing to help, make sure its a quality person and your husbands avalible to help with the needs of the leadership to then.
Ultimately you married a great man who has a heart for his job or the kids wouldn’t be connecting to him on such an awesome level. Remember that when ministry gets messy! He is good at his job and this is the sign of that.
I think Sheila has tackled a tough question from some great angles.
Much like the reader who asked the question my husband deals with kids in trouble too. He is a special ed teacher and has spent most of his career actually working with the “ED” kids, that is the emotionally disturbed. He has learned that he can’t save them all. He does what he can while he is at work, but then lets it go at home. Sure, some days the stuff still haunts him, but he has to let other’s take over. There are many other professionals involved in these kids’ lives, and he has to take care not to burn himself out too much.
Its interesting that the examples listed are mostly those working with at-risk youth and doctors. My husband has a friend who went through a nasty divorce. His friend is a doctor and really does have a savior complex. He would leave his family at all hours, because he literally felt he was the only one who could save that person’s life. Not that I don’t admire his talent and dedication, but really there was no one else in the entire hospital who could help, on a regular basis? Well he may have saved some lives, but it cost him his family.
While there are no easy answers, I agree that as a family you must figure out your priorities. Before we had kids I worked in hotel management. Let me tell you, that though this is not life and death the staff , guests and the bosses sure acted like it was. And when you are in a business environment like that, its hard to say “no” to a request to come in on your day off when your boss is also coming in on his day off and hardly seeing his kids. It really does trickle down from the top. We were already talking about me finding a different job once we had our second baby, when in the end I decided to go back to school and just start over in a different career. I know I’ll still be busy, but it won’t be minimum 60 hour workweeks. Yes, this has meant a few tough years as we cut down from two incomes to one, but for us it was worth it. We have downsized our lives and do not regret it one bit. Because it wasn’t just about me being home while the kids are little, but also about enjoying life as a family instead of me being the stranger they hardly ever saw. Getting out of the proverbial “rat race” can be a tough but necessary decision.
As far as the question about the mood, I think it just is such a challenge now because it happens so often. If she and her husband decide to prioritize their marriage, and less depressing calls come in so often, then it won’t be such a problem when it occasionally happens. Then you just realize it won’t happen that night, or you may just be able to switch gears from fun sex to comforting sex.
If a teen is dealing with self-harm or eating disorders they need to have a support system. And it can’t just be one person. Ideally these kids are in counseling, so their counselors and their therapy groups should be helping. There are online support groups for this stuff too. I hear alcoholics anonymous are actually pretty effective in treating self-harm and ED’s.
Just to be clear, cutting and binging/ purging isn’t immediately life threatening. If the teen is cutting it doesn’t mean he’s suicidal. So the pastor could be helping the kids get in treatment, but then he needs to stand back. No-one can be a person’s entire support system.
So true! Also, if a kid is engaging in any sort of self-harm, you need to have a standard policy on how to notify parents and, when necessary, mental health professionals. My daughter was cutting and was bullied and the youth group staffer decided not to “violate her trust”. We learned about it about months later and it had escalated by then. I am still working through the anger I feel about that.
That’s awefull. I’m sorry you and your daughter had to go through that.
I totally agree about having a policy. But maybe a view from the other side can help you with your anger.
My sister used to cut. I never told my mom or anyone else. She was quite rebellious at the time. So I really was scared that if I told our mom my sister just wouldn’t talk to anyone anymore. We did get her help. She was dealing with a diagnosis that basically meant she’d have chronic pain for the rest of her life, as well as severe depression. She was suicidal there for a bit too. But we got through it.
So maybe the staffer was doing the best he knew how. I’m not excusing him in any way. He should totally have told someone that actually knew what to do. Ideally he should have encouraged your daughter to tell you herself. But yeah. Good intentions aren’t always enough.
I know the staffer was doing what she thought was best and she did encourage her to talk to me about the cutting eventually. Her supervisor, the youth pastor, didn’t believe the bulllying happened because my daughter didn’t report it to him directly and it never happened in his presence (big surprise). I pointed out that his staff knew and didn’t tell him–that was a huge problem.
Yes, I was thinking that, too, and I meant to make that one of my points and then forgot, so I’m glad you brought it up. If the pastor is not a trained counselor, he really needs to notify others if he believes a teen is suicidal or is into self-harm. Thanks for saying that!
By the way, one of my REAL pet peeves is when church workers DON’T tell parents. I found out at our church that one of the youth that was in a group I ran was sleeping with his girlfriend and I made the decision to tell his mom. As a mom, I would want to know and I would be livid if one of my friends didn’t tell me. Absolutely.
Yep! Absolutely. And the pastor may not even be really qualified to deal with these things, either.
For husbands or wives that are too stressed for sex, maybe a relaxing massage without expectation? Just recently, Sheila introduced couples massages here: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/08/massage-in-marriage-is-fun/
Highly recommended! It’s a sweet way to connect with each other while helping your spouse de-stress.
And for those heavy-hearted times, what about tender, comforting sex — where it’s not so much about excitement, but about just holding each other, and being there for each other? (Those are some of the most precious times.)
Well, there could be several different dynamics going on here. I have to wonder here how the husband views this. If husband and wife are on the same page about the need for uninterrupted personal time, then yes, set some boundaries. Declare 2 nights a week “not on call” and turn phones off. Let the kids know that on Tuesdays and Fridays, they won’t be able to reach the youth pastor by phone and they will need to call another adult in case of an emergency. But, maybe the husband isn’t willing to set boundaries during his off work hours with the kids. In that case, there isn’t much the wife can do until they’ve come to an agreement that it is necessary.
Honestly, it sounds to me like the husband is allowing the kids to intrude on his personal time. There can’t that many “emergencies” that arise that need to be dealt with immediately. The kids need to be setting appointments to meet with the youth pastor for counselling, not calling at all hours without regard for his personal life. But he is the one who has to set that expectation.
One of the greatest keys in a happy marriage is “Prioritize” or life will make a “priority” out of you!
This post really hits home because we are going through some of this. My husband works one full-time job, has a part time job that takes up one weekend a month, and is in an online graduate program. I’m finishing up one class for my degree, and am unable to get a part time job right now due to health reasons. His job is our only source of income, and his graduate degree is covered through employment (and the best way for him to get a better job in his field). When he gets home for work, there is time for a sit-down dinner and then he has to work on his graduate work. That leaves us with up to an hour before he goes to bed, and he’s way too exhausted to do much. Weekends are usually taken up by graduate work, and home projects. I’m just not sure what to do. I can’t go to work for him, he can’t change jobs because then he wouldn’t be able to do the grad program, and I can’t do his grad work. Any suggestions on ways to help? Or is this more like a season in life that will eventually pass?
I worked with troubled teens for a couple of years, starting a month before our marriage. I called my hubby on the drive home and used that time to decompress. Now the best way for us to get back in the mood after any distraction is teasing or tickling.
Laughter is the best medicine.
I would agree along the thinking of respect/honor in the home. Pray that The Lord will use you to help your husband the way he wants. I find my attitude changes when I don’t get what I expect or want. This may be a season of testing for you, and encouragement for your husband. Try being on his team and encourage him to good works. I to get the same thing with my husband who can let work be an idol to fulfill some need he’s not getting at home. Pray for your marriage with him that its a testimony to those teenagers. That these kids sees how important marriage is to God. Hope these encourage you on your pilgrimage sister.
That was an inspiring write-up. God bless you.
Please I will like you to write on how to deal with workaholism. Husband is so busy during the day at work and still gets home to work through the night. Gets very few hours of sleep. Will look forward to reading from you. Thanks
This post hits home for me — although my husband’s job is not life and death. The department where he works has too few staff and high turnover, and he is a supervisor and works very hard. When he comes home, he is still thinking about work and is highly stressed. Our sex life has slid so far down the tubes I don’t think it’s ever coming back.
I try to help him as much as I can– packing his lunch, rubbing his back, not bugging him to do things around the house, etc. The lack of a sex life still weighs on me. I really appreciate my husband’s hard work, which lets me stay home with our daughter, but I find myself frustrated, resentful, and feeling cheated. I was a virgin when I married, and I guess I didn’t expect celibacy after marriage. This isn’t what I signed up for.
I’m afraid I’m coming across as concerned only about myself. I don’t want to be selfish. But this is a very discouraging situation, and I am not sure how to mend it without nagging my husband.
This post is very close to home. my husband loves to work. With an intent to maybe purchase the business he basically runs, he works 6 days a week morning to late night. But he thinks he is providing for us and that he needs to stay with this job. With pleading and frustration on my end I have have almost just given up on working on our relationship. He is too physically and mentally exhausted for us anymore. This isnt just our sex life that its effected. We had an amazing marriage before he took this job. Feeling lost most of the time. Would love to see another post on how to deal with it all and maybe even encourage change.
I’m also married to a doctor, and totally relate to what you’ve said.
There are times when life and death issues arise, and when the issues are so heavy that my husband can’t simply switch gears when he comes home. It took some time for me to realize that if I was hoping for a magic trick to make him instantly happy and carefree during those times, I’d be disappointed.
One thing that helped was for me to stop trying to fight against times and those moods. Yes, we’ve done what we could to eliminate the not-life-and-death stuff, to get better staffing and call coverage, to have him work closer to home and to get better office staff. We consider vacations to be essential for his physical and mental health and our family life. He’s learned to say no to friends and family and “I know your mother-in-law so you better squeeze me in ahead of the rest of your waiting list”. That’s helps, but it can’t eliminate all the life and death stress. When really serious issues come up, I used to either feel resentful, or try to snap him out of a mood by trying to argue that things weren’t so bad. I was trying to help, but made things worse. Now, when I know that it really IS life and death, I simply accept it as part of the job. He doesn’t need the stress of worrying about our reactions on top of everything else.
The bigger lesson that I learned was to allow him to have his feelings and express them to me, without jumping in. I actually picked up that tip from a parenting book, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk”. It works for adults too! When I jumped in too quickly, he felt that he couldn’t really express his feelings, and that I didn’t really understand how serious some situations were. Instead of making him feel better, he’d focus on trying to get me to realize how bad a situation was. When I stopped fighting his moods, I noticed that he got over them much faster, and felt understood and supported even when things were tough. In the long run, that’s been a real help to intimacy.
The other quick tip is to do things whenever we have the energy. Sometimes, that means going straight to sleep if he’s really tired, but having some early morning fun.
That’s wonderful, Cynthia. Thanks so much for sharing!
Yes please please please!!! Help on how to handle a workaholic husband! It’s always the next job or the next payroll or next month or next year… Then he won’t be too tired for sex. Almost 4 years married and I’m ready to throw in the towel. My gracious ness and understanding are wearing very thin. I can’t imagine doing this for the rest of my life.
I can definitely relate to this post! I am a stay-at-home mom with two kids, both 2 years and 7 months. I spend most nights up with my youngest and don’t sleep very much, and I think I have a MUCH higher drive than my husband does! I know that not all men are the same, and he does initiate sometimes. Most times I initiate and have to do all the work, and it can be a bit…boring. :/ It’s not that he doesn’t care, he does want to please me, but he’s just too tired! He works a full 40 hours a week, plus about 20 hours of overtime. I know things are tight for us living on one income, but I’m beginning to feel like he’s married to his job. He did just recently get promoted so I know he’s trying to stay on top of things and provide for our family! I definitely appreciate all his hard work, but sometimes, the workaholic in him drives me crazy! It’s going to take some patience and communication to work things out, but I don’t want to come across as nagging or disrespectful. He’s such an amazing man! I just don’t want him to work his life (our life) away. :/
This is a very insightful post, but I have additional questions. My husband is a paramedic and partner in an EMS service, and not only is the workload 24/7, but also life or death. How can we carve out more personal time? Also, we have a special-needs teen who I have been parenting alone for the last several years. Please, any suggestions would be awesome!
There is a wonderful book out there on this topic called When work and Family Collide by Andy Stanley. Very Helpful.
We are experiencing the job stress leading to erectile dysfunction. So now when I hear things are going badly at work I know our sex life will suffer indefinitely. I think I really need to work on lowering my expectations and be there to just hold him, but it is just difficult.