Feeling unappreciated by your husband and kids? Most moms and wives do at some point.
And that’s why I wrote To Love, Honor and Vacuum (the book). I wanted to help moms who feel taken for granted rethink how they do family so that instead of feeling like a maid, she can feel like part of a healthy family unit that’s all working towards the same goal. And a revised and expanded To Love, Honor and Vacuum is being launched this week!
On that vein, I thought I’d share the top 10 things that we wives and moms do that we think are helping, when really they can actually make our family situation worse. Be sure to read through to #10, because that’s the most important one–and it’s the root cause of all the other ones.
I asked on my Facebook Page last night, “when do you feel most like a maid instead of a mom?”, and many of these 10 things were mentioned! Now, of course, you could answer that question with “when my husband ignores me” or “when my husband sits on the couch all night and does absolutely nothing”, but I think it’s more helpful to give women strategies they can use to actually change things. We can’t change someone else; we can only change ourselves. So whether you’re a stay at home mom or a working mom, let’s look at the things that we women do to undermine ourselves, here on Top 10 Tuesday:
1. Doing all the housework yourself
One woman on Facebook says that she feels most like a maid when she’s doing the dishes–for the fifth time that day. I totally get it! Housework is exhausting. It’s never ending, it’s tedious, and no one really says thank you. So why are you doing it all yourself?
You cannot keep a perfect home and raise kids who are active and engaged all at the same time. Something’s gotta give. And one of the best ways to help you not feel like a maid is to make sure that from a very young age kids are doing chores, too. Tie the chores to an allowance when they’re young. If it’s a struggle with teens, change the password on the WiFi everyday, and don’t give it out until they’ve completed their chores. Require your kids to work.
A 3-year-old can dust a coffee table and can clean the bottom kitchen cabinets. A 5-year-old often LOVES cleaning toilets with that toilet brush thingy. An 8-year-old can clean a bathroom well and can certainly do the dishes. So don’t do it all yourself.
Here’s an article on age appropriate chores for kids.
2. Not asking your husband for help
Many men do very little housework if they work outside the home and you stay at home. My husband always worked long hours, and when he got home, I didn’t want him doing dishes. I wanted us spending time together as a family. So I didn’t ask him to do housework (though he always picked up his clothes and took care of his own messes). But if you both work outside the home, you’re definitely going to need some help. Even if you do stay at home, you still will need help with the childcare (and men need to spend time with their kids) and you’ll certainly need help on weekends.
But too many women don’t ask for help. They assume that the men should know what to do, and if they’re sitting playing a video game or if they’re goofing off, they’ve actually decided not to help you. That may not be the case. I asked on Facebook a while ago how many women had actually asked their husbands for help, and I received story after story of women saying, I stewed for ten years about how insensitive he was, and yet when I finally asked him to do the dishes after dinner, he did them no problem. He just never knew I needed help!
Try asking. It doesn’t always get you the results you need, but don’t be resentful if you’ve never even asked. Men often think that because we have systems for things, we would find their help more of a pain than anything else. If you want help, don’t expect him to read your mind. Ask.
3. Allowing your children to treat you rudely
From an early age, make your children say “please” and “thank you”. If they talk back, discipline immediately. If they ask for anything rudely, they never, ever get it. Do not let them treat you with disrespect.
When my oldest was five, another five-year-old once stayed with us for a week. That little girl whined all the time. It was her default setting–and I can’t stand whining. So I stopped giving her anything if she was whining. “Can I have some mi-i-i-lk?” she’d whine. And I would say, “when you can ask in a proper voice.” After three days she had stopped whining. I honestly don’t know how her parents stood it. It would have driven me beyond the bend if my kid talked like that all the time. Within a few seconds of her mom walking in the door, though, the whining had started again. Don’t ever reward whining or rude behaviour, or they’ll just keep doing it.
4. Picking up after everybody
Do you spend your life putting stray socks in the hamper and picking up toys? That’s exhausting–and can easily fuel resentment.
But people will keep leaving stuff everywhere if you keep picking it up.
If your ten-year-old comes in the house and drops his coat on the chair and his backpack–with his lunchbox inside–on the floor, and you pick those things up and clean out his lunchbox, you’ve taught him to treat you with disrespect. But not just that–you’ve also taught him to ignore the mess he’s making, so that he likely doesn’t even realize that he’s inconveniencing you.
Don’t pick up people’s stuff. Require them to pick it up–and have consequences if they don’t. For husbands, have a corner of the bedroom/house where you can put stray items if they drive you nuts, so that they can be his responsibility again.
Here’s an article I wrote on how to get kids to pick up their stuff!
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5. Rescuing everybody
You’re running late, you’ve got to get to work, and you get a text that your 13-year-old forgot his lunch at home. So you drive back to get the lunch and drop it off, making yourself even more frazzled. Or you mentioned to your husband that he really needed to send that birthday card to his mom, and he didn’t, and you notice it on the counter the morning after it should have been sent, so you run to the post office and send it express. You had to squeeze it in between appointments, but you did it–and you were only mildly late for the kids’ piano lessons.
Do you rescue everybody? There’s no problem with doing it occasionally, out of love. But if family members start assuming you’ll rescue them, they also stop taking responsibility or even making an effort. They’ve taken you for granted. That’s going to make you feel like a maid, too.
6. Over-scheduling yourself and your family
If you’re busy and exhausted, you’ll feel like a maid. If your life is spent chauffeuring everybody, but rarely in the things that feed our souls, like down time with those we love, we’ll go through life with this chronic malaise like something’s wrong.
Beware of over-scheduling your family.
Here’s an article on the time crunch with extra-curricular activities
7. Being disorganized
Are you the kind of laid back person who goes along life just fine for about five days, letting the messes get worse and worse, but having fun with your kids, until you finally realize OH MY GOODNESS THIS PLACE IS A PIGSTY and you go ballistic? And then you feel like you need to spend twelve hours in a row cleaning?
Sometimes the best way to feel less like a maid is to get a little more organized, so these crises don’t happen!
8. Asking your children to do things instead of expecting it and following through
When you ask your kids something, do you make it a firm command? Or are you wishy-washy?
Compare this:
Johnny, it’s getting to be time to clean up your toys, okay? It’s almost time for dinner.
To this:
Johnny, start cleaning up your toys now. You have five minutes before we eat, and I’m setting the timer now.
In the first case, you haven’t actually asked Johnny to do anything. You’ve just made a statement about the time. You may feel like you’ve asked him, but you haven’t. And so he’s unlikely to listen and do anything, and you’re likely to get your blood pressure boiling! If you want them to do something, make it very clear. Ask firmly. Set a deadline. Expect follow-through.
9. Eating in a rush–and not at the dinner table
You’ve spent an hour making a great meal, but everybody sits at the table, rushing through it, with their phones on. Or else someone grabs it and heads to their room. Perhaps you all sit at the table, but the kids are whiny and picky and don’t like it and the meal is over in five minutes.
Make dinner a family time. Keep conversation starters at the table. Ask trivia questions. Have everyone say their “high” and “low” for the day. Start some family traditions where you really connect and talk over dinner. It’s an important family time–don’t waste it.
Here are some tips on getting picky eaters to eat!
Raise a family to be responsible, and you’ll likely find that peace and joy you really want.
10. Thinking that the goal is to make your family happy
Finally, here’s the most important reason we often feel unappreciated: You think that your job is to make sure your kids and your husband are happy. In fact, that’s likely why you do each of the nine things already mentioned. You want them to enjoy life. You want them to smile. You want to avoid unpleasantness. But in doing this, you’re likely inadvertently causing your own unhappiness, because you’ll feel taken for granted. But even more importantly, you’re missing the point.
God’s priority is not that your kids are happy; it’s that they look like Jesus. And He wants that for you and your husband, too. If you set up your family in such a way that you’re enabling selfishness, laziness, and ingratitude, you’ll be miserable because you’ll always feel put upon, taken for granted, and like something’s off kilter. But the rest of the family will also not learn what it is to look like Christ.
That’s what To Love, Honor and Vacuum is about–it’s to change our perspective so that in everything we do, whether it’s housework or childcare or paid work or even how we do marriage, we’re encouraging Christlike behaviour from ourselves and those around us, rather than encouraging people to take us for granted. It’s amazing how the way that we do the little things in our home, like chores and dinner and school, can have such spiritual ramifications.
So be careful that happiness doesn’t become your goal. If it does, you’ll almost guarantee that everybody will be miserable. Raise a family to be responsible, though, and you’ll likely find that peace and joy you really want.
You won’t feel unappreciated anymore!
If this is resonating with you, pick up To Love, Honor and Vacuum!
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When do you feel most unappreciated by your husband and kids? What have you tried to do about it? Let me know in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Wow this sounds like my life. My wife was in a car accident last year which messed up her back more than it was before. Her doctor told her she could not do any housework so that leaves me with it. I don’t mind doing it. Sometimes it feels just frustrating that there is not enough hours in a day to do everything, from working 7-5 and then cook, clean, wash dishes, wash clothes, walk the dog, mow the lawn etc etc etc. It gets overwhelming. And then she wants me to spend time with her and help her with her things.
As a women I just want to say you sound like an incredible husband. I’m Sure your wife appreciates you. Its got to be difficult for both of you. I can imagine how how lonely she feels. Maybe having her near you in the kitchen to talk to while your cleaning would help. I find if you make chores time for bonding it becomes less tidious (mind my spelling).. Good luck to you both!
Are there little things she can do that would ease your housework tasks? Even the little things can make you smile. What are her restrictions? I know bending and scrubbing a floor are out (obv), but maybe dusting before you are planning to vacuum (those Swiffer duster things with the extended handle are fab! or socks on hands with the kids!) Or helping to guide/teach the kids who to do things that are age appropriate like laundry sorting, having them take their own clothes to put away after they have been folded? Make mommy the kid captain of housework. Seeing her do these things will make you appreciate them and unburden you and make her feel useful. When my hubby was hurt on the job and out of work for over a year, it was hard on his morale and made him feel useless while I was feeling crushed under the weight of everything (work, his rehab, housework, etc). I finally realized I had to find things for him to do to save us both. I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there and I hope that your wife can find a doctor that offers some relief and some life!
This is my life with my husband. Down even to the garage is my responsibility. He lacks common sense to see the areas I need help which is everywhere. No yard work, no garage, no housework, no kiddos…all he does is work. I now stay at home and it is still bad but I was working, just like yourself and had to do it all by myself too. I resent him for it and can’t wait to be alone someday.
Have you got any relief from this… I am going through the same with my husband
I am in the exact same boat. I had to quit working because I couldn’t work and raise the kids without help and keep housework up with my poor health(kidney failure and heart condition) Its been 8 years. I do everything. I babysit during the day to earn some money at least. I have a 19 yr old, 11 yr old 2 needy large dogs and a husband on top of babysitting 2 children under 5 for 50 hours a week.only exist to cook or clean. Nobody in my family does a single thing. Wont even put dishes in the dishwasher when they’re done with them. Its December 28th and I got nothing for xmas and my family only talks to me when they’re hungry or looking for something. I think when my youngest grows up I’m getting a job and going solo.
Story of my life. I’ve been exhausted ever since I had my baby, 2 years ago.
I work a full time job 5am-1pm.. I get out, I go grocery shopping and get whatever needs to get done. Then I pick up my 2 year old from the baby sitter. I get home, I make lunch for her, wash the dishes, clean up after my 2 year old and husband, I cook dinner, I clean up after, give my daughter a bath and put her to sleep. I feel like I do too much, I do everything. My husband just gets home after work, sits on the couch and watches TV all day. I dont get a break. I’m so overwhelmed.
I resent #2 Not asking your husband for help. He should contribute to the household in which he lives. If you ask him to “help,” it implies that it is your responsibility to do the housework and that he’s some kind of hero for “helping” you. Even if you are a full time homemaker doing the house cleaning, leaving things to be picked up, cleaned up, or put away by someone else is just disrespectful and rude. Put your coffee mug in the dishwasher. Respond when the dog you wanted is barking incessantly to come inside. Put your clothes in the hamper. I could go on.
Yep!
It should even be obvious someone needs help if baby cries when you simply want a bathe after everyone else had one already.Can’t be that important if you can’t bother….and it really is just plain rude to dump clothes all over the floor and tell the wife to clean it.
Well Said.:)
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Hi,
My husband and I both work full time. I have often asked my husband to help around the house but he refuses, saying is my job to take care of the house and to take care of our children and their activities. Many times I stay up late cleaning and preparing for the next day while he sits on the couch for hours. So asking husbands to help it doesn’t work all the time.
I completely agree it is impossible, my husband will ask “what do you need help with” and I will tell him and he still wont do it, later he will say he was too busy and will do it “later” It still wont happen,how long is eternity?
I have tried to dump his mess in one spot and now there is no back bedroom, it is a junk yard, he will quite happily go in there and find a pair of socks and close the door to it.
I have asked him for the past 6 months to clean the garage. He just dumps things in there and that is it.
He doesn’t take the bins out when asked either.
He does work and comes home to sleep. we have family night Tuesday where we are supposed to do something as a family and this doesn’t happen ever, he just sits there and watches football when I challenge this he says “its a family game our sons watching it isn’t he?”
I am so frustrated and often cry throughout the day this is not my depiction of a Godly family life.
If I say nothing he asks why I am sulking and if I complain he says stop moaning.
Anything he asks me to do do I do it, it can be church, cooking for everyone, hosting guests as I did EVERY SINGLE DAY last week we had someone to fellowship with but in return nothing gets done.
I am kept in the dark about finances as “he will take care of it” and there is NEVER enough money to do extra there is always barely enough, we can afford gym, but he will take nasty digs at me about my weight. (I do give as good as I get on that one)
I am so frustrated as I do love him and we are childhood sweethearts and I honestly know he is busy, but I honestly feel so taken for a ride here!
You need counseling. He has control issues and is not treating you as a partner in marriage or Christian life.
She doesn’t need a marriage counsellor, she needs an abused woman’s shelter. Im so tired of “godly men” using religion as an excuse to abuse!
Yes Kim I agree 100%
I wish church would address this widespread abuse…..but nope. So alone, it’s much lonlier than being single. At least people wanted to spend time with you back then. God doesn’t convict a single pastor in this matter? What are pastors even really learning?
Elise W,
I hear you when it comes to our husbands not helping when we are overwhelmed with daily chores. I’m a house wife and a student with seven children and every day I try to make my husband and children happy. I can’t say he’s controlling, but sometimes it feels that way when we Argue over why food is not took out on time for dinner and when I tell him leftovers then I’m being lazy. I clean and so does the children, which we all have chores around the house. My husband believe that his chores are just work and that he does not have to help because he puts food on the table and pays the bills.
Tell him what you would LOVE him to do (I would love it if…). rather than point out the obvious (negativity). If he obliges, you might feel more relaxed and romantic and things can go from there…win/win! He’ll be putty in your hands!
It never works for me. When we first moved to the town we live in nowwe had a 6 year old a one year old and a 2 month old. I worked over nights at a gas station to support us then came home got the oldest to school because even though I asked my husband to get him on the bus he never did. Then get home and change and fed my babies wash the laundry in the bath tub them drive to dry it then come home start cooking while taking care of my babies folding clothes and sweeping and mopping them fed everyone help with homework wash dishes and maybe get a 30 minute nap before going back to work. I asked for help being very specific at first when that failed I simple said “will you please help me I’m so exhausted” and still nothing now he works and I stay at home and my cleaning and chasing kid never ends and he still doesn’t help do anything at all hell throw his may clothes on the ones I’m folding or just folded leaves a trail of trash and plays on his phone until he passes out. Tells me on a daily basis he doesn’t listen when I talk and he works so I should do everything else I’m too a point where I’m feeling like maybe I’m just not good enough
That is just it! What about Mom’s who work FT/ Dads work FT and yet all of this STILL falls on MOM?! Love my husband and he does come home and during the night will run the dish washer but 90% of the house is done by me daily. I have 2 jobs amounting to FT and taking classes for another! I have 2 kids 11/8 and I keep them very busy with playdates and activities…. I often feel unappreciated by all 3 of them! The needs of them seem to trump my own needs by all!
Maybe the kids do not need to do so much stuff…playdates and activities. Maybe just one activity per season.
I feel the same way. I’m a stay-at-home mom, homeschooling my 3rd grader, with a newborn, recently moved into a new house, was going to school part to full time online to pursue my degree, and trying to write in the process as well as other ways to bring in some extra income. I had to stop nursing my baby because of the lack of support and I was still expected to do it all. My husband does do some things, but I think he feels like since I’m home all day I should be doing everything at home. Then he just grumbles and complains his way through things. I try so hard to put on a happy face and get everyone motivated, but all I get is backlash or that I didn’t do something good enough. All I do is try to care for the home and family, while juggling everything else. My needs matter very little. He’s supportive of me going to the gym, but not as much support when it comes to the demand of homeschooling my oldest, all the prep work, and doing work. I have to do everything, with little to no sleep. When I put my foot down he still doesn’t understand and turns it all on him. I feel so alone. I feel at my breaking point. I fight with my oldest most days with his attitude, then my baby fusses and won’t sleep long, and I’m supposed to keep a clean home, go through boxes and get us all settled, do my schoolwork, cook all the meals, clean, and miraculously have time for God, and then the two of us? I feel so used and unappreciated. I feel like he only needs or wants me to take care of the home, as a maid, to ease his burden. I need this article and will try the advice, but I don’t know what will help this emptiness inside and lack of connection between my husband and I… All the child-rearing seems to fall on my shoulders, as well as everything else. It’s too much, but he doesn’t listen…
No and nothing will ever change only get worse, take it from me for over 20 years I have cryed, but I know now not to give your all to them there is little in return. EDUCATE yourself and find employment that will give you a future. Im only with the father of my two children because of the financail security it offers untill they finish school. One in year 12 and other year 9.
make sure you dont do everything for your children they grow up and become lazy and selfish, start teaching th.em to pick up afterthemselves as soon as they can, let th.em have chores and help they like to at an early age. I work in child care and it has certainly opened my eyes.
Same here!!!😩
I stopped doing laundry for my son and hub. Then the clean undies ran out. When asked I said, “Well I guess you two need to do some laundry.” They both keep a better check on their clothes now and help when running low.
Great idea!
All I got from mine was “I WORK 12 HRS A DAY!” Never considered, I worked 9 hrs with 4 kids ranging from newborn with 24/7 colic at age 40, a ten year old cheerleader, a 15 and 17 year old. He’d pay allowance with a promise to clean their room, then fuss at me how I never did anything!
Great, great tips. And I think many women, along with feeling like a maid, feel truly anappreciated by their husbands. Maybe because they never ask for help like you’ve mentioned, and maybe because their communication “style” needs a little fixing.
Everyone who feels taken for granted should remember that in some way they are allowing it, and in worse cases they even unknowingly encourage it. I’ve also written a post about what to do when you feel unappreciated by your husband, maybe you’d like it: http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/my-husband-doesnt-appreciate-me/
So true, Lisa. Love this sentence:
But there are also husbands who even after their wives ask for help would simply choose not to pitch in or pitch in consistently. How do you deal with those husbands who are countless heart-to-heart talks still do not change their ways? And there are things at home or in the family that needs to be dealt with or else they will pile up or become a crisis in the long run?
This is a great list, especially #10! I get frustrated with my husband because he doesn’t pick up after himself: laundry, food, trash, etc. I asked him if he would make the bed after he takes a nap in it (we only have a comforter, no sheets, so it’s not like it’s difficult) and he said, “yeah, that’s not likely to happen.” You could just laugh at that statement, couldn’t you! 🙂 His mom never let him clean anything growing up because she was a perfectionist, so that’s what he learned, never to help out, never attempt because it won’t be good enough, anyway. SO MAMAS! Let your youngin’s help out, even if they don’t do a good job, and especially the boys! Train them now, and they will be a BLESSING to their future wives! Amen. 😉
I said in To Love, Honor and Vacuum: “The best gift you can your future daughter-in-law is a son who cleans toilets”!
I recently told my teenagers (boy & girl) I was no longer doing their laundry. When more than a week went by, they were ready to learn how. And now I find them picking up after themselves more without me asking them too. But still no one wants to do dishes or clean the bathroom. 🙁
Great points! I think sometimes women do everything because they feel that they are serving their families by doing so. But I read a quote in a book once that I think sums it up perfectly: “Servitude is not service!” When we are serving so much that it becomes servitude, we are actually doing our families a disservice because we are not teaching them to be self-reliant and helping them develop the skills they will need in the future.
So funny you should say that! I used those exact words in the book. Here’s the thing: Jesus served by washing the disciples’ feet, but the reason that resonated with them was because He was who He was. Lots of people would have washed their feet in that culture, but they would have been the “lowly” ones, and it wouldn’t have registered. If we want our service to register to our family, then we can’t act like we’re lowly–and too many of us do. We have to garner respect at the same time, or else we’re not modelling respect. We’re just enabling people’s laziness. And those are two entirely different things! So glad you saw that, too.
I am a stay home mom with 2 kids under 4 years…my husband works…he helps me sometimes and he mostly expects me to ask…then he said one day that he doesn’t feel appreciated….and then he says I dont see what he does in the house and tells me he is offended.he also says I have responsibilities and I want him to help me but he does not ask me for help with his responsibilities ..I am thinking to myself what are his responsibilities he works and pays the Bills and does the groceries and he says I am ungrateful….my question is why is it that he has to be thanked and appreciated for caring for his family….I am his wife and they are his kids we are his responsibility why should I be told he is not asking me to help….does that mean I should not ask for help just because it is my responsibility?
I am confused..please someone enlighten me.
Growing up, my mom did nearly all the housework, and I just assumed it was my job as an adult. Now, as a homeschooling mom of 4 kids ages 9 to 16 I tend to forget that I do in fact work, albeit at home with my own kids. I am learning to ask for help. I still forget especially when everyone gets tired, and I revert back to doing it all and feeling resentful. I could still use to get life more organized to prevent myself from falling into the tired trap. I have To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. I guess it’s time to read it again!
Hi Lisa,
I read your blog, and I have a question. What do I do when my husband asks where would I like to eat, but constantly saids “gross” to every place I mention. I am not trying to be a victim here. But my husband is very difficult. When I fix meals he comes home and adds more to it, this annoys me. In a few occasions he has thrown the coffee I prepare because is not good enough for him. So I have stopped making coffee.
I love these Sheila. I think # 10 sums it up! I am quite the juggler and “hard worker” because I grew up thinking hard work equates acceptance and love. # 2 resonates alot..unless I ask my husband, he really doesn’t notice things. I am glad that he picks after himself but unless I ask for specific help, he thinks i have it under control. Thanks for the reminders 🙂
I feel taken for granted when I work my butt off to get the house to a state my husband likes (he’s the neat freak, I’m the messy one, he works full time and I stay at home so the bulk of the cleaning is my domain) and then stuff just gets dumped and left for me to pick up. You wanted a clean house, I worked hard for it, do your part please. Or when the systems I set in place to help keep the house clean are not respected. Is it really THAT hard to put one’s socks in the hamper instead of on the floor next to it???
Yes! I understand perfectly. I’ve spent countless hours trying different chore charts and systems for household organization for everyone to pitch in, but there’s always an excuse. I HATE feeling like I have to be a mother to both my children AND my husband… then he gets upset and lets out his anger and frustration on my oldest child when he doesn’t pick up his things, yet my husband is no better! Nothing I say or do helps either… Being a woman/wife/mother feels so hopeless sometimes!!!
My husband is disabled (Tourettes) and stays home while I work. If the trash bag is full, he won’t remove it from the can, he just puts what he’s throwing away on the kitchen counter next to the trash can. And when he helps me vacumn, he has to sit in “my” desk chair and roll around in it to vacumn
Thumbs up! Great points, Sheila!
Thank you!
Where can I find your book in paperback. I am one of those who still like to turn the pages
Just follow the exact same link and choose the paperback version! It’s there, too. But here’s the link for you. Thanks for asking!
Thanks for the enlightenment Sheila. A lot of homes have problems with communication. In our case, I always take the initiative to speak out with my hubby and kids. If I’m tired, I let them know. If I need help, I joyfully asked them. After all, what makes things grouchy and unhappy depends on how you choose to react on things. Respect is very very vital in our family. I don’t feel like a maid because we do things together.
Thank you for the article. I can see how we can create our own hell, but also let’s say that you and your husband/significant other have totally different parenting styles that strongly affect the way the kids respond to Mom? For instance, he is the good guy in everything, but I have to be the bad guy……..in their minds anyhow. So, what that does is totally makes it OK in their minds to undermind me and do what they want……..and in the meantime, I’m getting no support (ridiculed even) in front of kids by husband for being firm and structured with the kids. I have tried many different tactics with them all….but I’m thinking that it will all be for not if he can’t find a way to back me up on all levels. Kicker is: I know our family needs counseling…but he won’t go says it’s stupid. He knows what he needs to do and doesn’t need anyone’s help in that respect……….
Please help me with #4!! We both work fulltime. My husband is a great help around the house. We have 3 young men ages 15,18, and 21 who leave dishes and food everywhere! Same with their bathroom -always dirty. We have tried everything. Changing the WiFi passsord won’t help because we pay the bill. Please help!!
Being a young man, I found I was more inclined to do something if I saw some sort of beneficial result for me. Doing the dishes for mom? Gross. Doing the dishes because I’m hungry and there’s no plates? Disaster. Attempt to separate yourselves from the boys. It sounds childish, but “my dishes, your dishes” will get them to clean, unless they use yours. Find a way to make the chores “for you” have an appeal to them, even if it means leaving a mess. Your OCD will survive 🙂
Why does anyone NEED a reason to pick up after themselves? The 3 young men are well old enough to do it without expecting or even seeing a reward. How about helping mom and dad who give them a roof over their heads and food in their bellies?? Jesus NEVER asked for anything in return but our love. Why does doing what’s right have to APPEAL to them? This I don’t understand. Why is doing anything for mom gross? Your mom loves you unconditionally and would do anything for you … even die for you. Why do you have to treat her like that? Why do you expect HER to make it worth your while. As many parents have said, once you have your own place, pay for all of it, you can do as you please. It has nothing to do with OCD, it has to do with living a healthy and fulfilling life, and that’s all mom wants for you. Your mom loves you, why don’t you just love her back?
Honestly 2 of the mentioned young men are old enough to start either paying rent or paying you to clean up their mess. If they don’t like it they are also old enough to move out and make their own way. I’m all for having my kids live under my roof for as long as possible because I know they can be saving more money for their future if they don’t have to pay rent. However when it reaches the point where they don’t respect the house rules or contribute in anyway then it’s time for them to grow up.
Take the dishes and put them in there bathroom or bedrooms and tell them to wash them,just leave them and you’ll see it works,my friend’s dad did that to him and he got responsible..show them who’s boss don’t get soft with them..
Thanks for or write up, I’m actually a victim n it has turned mi into a resentful wife always quarrelling n making faces at home, but it hurts that most tyms when u ask for help or hubby says he is busy or starts comparing u to other women especially his mom. I’ve dislocated my waist fetching water in my pregnancy state n not only that I had to back my baby of recent to fetch water n the same dislocation occurred n I was like what was wrong in my husband helping mi but I will work with this 10lists so I could be happy again. Thanks.
I think my issue is that I feel guilty because I don’t work. I let myself believe that I’m useless. I battle adhd, and The truth is when I clean I honesty have no idea where to put things and so forth. The fact that five of us live in a single wide and have no closets .doesn’t help either. I don’t ask for too much help because my husband constantly rubs in my face how I work and I feel bad because the kids have school. But what you said is true. Because I’m constant running in circles with nothing to show for and everyone is miserable!!! EXTREMELY
It sounds great in theory to make your kids pick their stuff up off the floor but I have 4 sons from 8-21. The mess is never ever ending. The 8 yr old hears nothing unless I attach a curse word and raise my voice. So basically you’re saying I need to spend an hour a day AT LEAST being a persistent nag. They hate me, I hate them and then I hate myself. And by the time a hour passes, the cycle restarts.
I work outside of the home full time, and I feel like the maid, too. Since I’m tired of asking my family for help keeping the house clean, I’ve hired a cleaning lady. I hate to spend the money, but I can’t do it all myself.
My problem is a 42 or old son. I am helping raise is daughter after the death of his wife. He is in my home. Never picks up after himself in or out of the home. I fuss to get the yard cut.He has to be ask several times to do something or pay his part. But let a friend call for help he is gone. Several times he says he will be home in afew mins. It may be several hours. I have his daughter knows mama is here. Mama will cook, clean, baby sit. Etc.
That’s such a tough situation! I’m so sorry about the death of your daughter-in-law. How absolutely tragic.
Have you sat down and talked with your son? With everyone in the house sitting down together and dividing out the chores? Sometimes we assume that people get it when they don’t. And then just make consequences: Something like, “I don’t mind cooking dinner for everyone if you’re also cutting the lawn and cleaning the bathrooms. But if you can’t do that, then I’m going to ask you to get your own food. I’ll feed your daughter, but I won’t feed you.” And stick to it!
And don’t do their laundry. They can be responsible for their own laundry. I know it’s tough, but sitting down and talking about it and putting down limits is the only thing that will work. Magically hoping he’ll figure it out one day won’t.
If my kids leave their things lying about the lounge I will pick it up but will leave it ALL on the floor of their room and then ask them to tidy their room. They are shocked to discover how messy it is! They ask me why I dumped their stuff on the floor, so I remind them that it was already on the floor. And since its in their room now, its their problem! 😉
That’s so awesome!
Hi I feel overwhelmed and taken for granted from my kids I’m a single mom working to provide for them I have a 16,15,13,11 year old sons they talk back to me yell at me and tell me I’m a liar when I tell them I don’t have the money to buy what they want they don’t believe me when I tell them I have bills to pay they tell me I’m being pushy when I tell my 16 and 15 year old they’re old enough to get a part time job. I’ve been balling my eyes out because I can’t hold it in any longer I told them I’m not going to be buying them what they want anymore because they’re not helping me out with the chores at home without having to be told too
I know my wife has a hard job cleaning and taking care of kids and home. But i tey to do some cleaning and organizing and she tells me to stop or not doing it the right way. When im fixing something she says im not doing it right. She does not work. She barely cleans, and i know she is depressed being a stay at home mom. I have talked to her about getting a job so that i can stop working extra to provide for family and be at home more but get nothing. She doesnt seem to want to work. I tell our daughter to clean her room and she doesnt listen amd then her mother tells her to jist stay away from me. My son doesnt get any discipline when he acts out and gives in all the time. She constantly nags on me for everything and talks down to me like a child. And she barely gets the kids to school on time.
I know this sounds like i am teying to down my wife and im the perfect person. I am far from perfect. But i am tired of seeing dishes piled up, kids have no responsibilty in the house. And she makes no time for me whats so ever. She use to lay with me at night and watch movie and cuddle but there is nothing. She doesnt sleep in bed with me and she sleeps with our son in his bed. And her phone is the most important thing in her life. She never leaves her phone and eats in another room while kids sit at table or in living room watching tv. It never use to be this way. Im just tored of working so many hours to provide and nothing is done and i get nothing in return
Any suggestions would be helpful and a blessing. Please any suggestions. I dont know how much longer a frustrated father and husband can hold out. I have told her my concerns and needs but nothing ever changes
Hey,
In my case, my hubby never helped with kids and household chores when our kids were little. May be a little on weekends. I use to let him focus on his work.
Finally, within 5 years he was promoted, we also bought a home. Slowly I started feeling that I have to focus on myself and asked him to help around the home but then he just tells me to hire someone to do the chores and he will pay. I hired hel. Help will do am major chores and little chores around the home that maid wil not do have to be done by me. Like picking dirty clothes, putting them near the washer. Everyone comes at different time, giving them food according to everyone’s schedule and also picking and dropping kids to school and classes.
Overall, I have balanced lifestyle. But I could see my kids and hubby totally spoiled. They will do not do anything and also take me for a ride asking that you have help then why you worry so much or bother us. Not sure what to do? Any suggestions.. They all want to live their own life leaving me alone towards the end of the day.
This is great; point #2 really resonates with me… when I started asking my husband for help on certain tasks when my schedule got busy, he was more than happy to help! I will pass this article on!
But then when you try to stand your ground and do something different for a change – like choosing NOT to spoil everyone in the house – they think you’re just being selfish and mean, when you’re the one who is constantly self-LESS and serving everyone all the time. I’m talking about my husband, who is a wonderful loving husband. But, when I try to do things differently, he gets upset like I’m the one being selfish. It’s always about what he wants, and if I want my needs met, I have to ask. He never thinks of what I might want. But he sure knows what he wants all the time. And when I don’t do it, I’m the bad guy.
Jenn, you’re right–that’s often the dynamic! And it’s very awful to be in the middle of it.
But here’s the thing: ARE you the bad guy? Are you really? If you are simply drawing healthy boundaries, then you aren’t being bad, you’re being good. If others are trying to make you feel like you’re the bad guy, you don’t have to let them. You can agree with God, not with those who want you to feel like you’re being selfish.
Be at peace with your boundaries. Keep those boundaries. And then just love your family wholeheartedly in ways that are healthy, even if they aren’t treating you well. Your job is not to act in such a way so that others will treat you well; your job is to act in the way that God wants you to act, and then let the pieces fall where they may. Just because someone is treating you badly does not mean that you are doing something bad. It just means that you have to run all the more to God for your daily strength to do what is right for your family, even if they don’t see it!
Thank you Sheila!
Since I’ve read this article, I’ve started to set some healthy boundaries, and everything seems to be getting on the right track 🙂
So glad, Jenn!
Love that’s someone finally spoke the word BOUNDARIES! So many of the comments are sad to read but, in all honesty, most are rooted in a total lack of boundaries. I can say this because I’ve lived it but decided to do something about it. I’d highly recommend all of the Boundaries books by Cloud & Townsend. Start with yourself…if you can’t set boundaries for yourself (like not putting yourself down, etc) then it’s impossible t9 set them for someone else. I’m convinced that if an entire generation would learn about Godly, Biblical boundaries, so many relational issues would be greatly reduced.
Respect…it starts there, with yourself. You can choose to respect yourself or not. When you don’t, it opens the door for others not to respect you and then it’s all a downward spiral.
Hi. Me and my husband will be married for 10 yrs this June and I love him to pieces, but I am extremely frustrated with him. We have 5 children, 9,8,6,4, and a 6 month old. We are both full time college students. I am in nursing school and my husband is study in Natural science. We are both busy but most days I am the busiest. I do a lot around the house, and our oldest children help me out a lot even with the baby while my husband just stays in his office. I dont get it. He says he loves me but it feels to me like we’re just roomates. He never goes to bed with me he just stays up late and sleeps in his chair all night until I have to wake up in the morning. He never really spends time with us and when he doea he gets frustrated with the kids right away and goes back into his office and LOCKS the door. I really do not know what to do or how to feel anymore.
I just finished reading and was like “ok i have to drop the phone and go finish the laundry now!” ????
Just what I needed. Another article telling me how it’s my fault I’m overworked and unappreciated and what I can do to fix it. Fix men.
I understand, Robyn, I really do. But here’s a post that explains why I don’t write to fix men–and why ultimately that’s rather a useless exercise, since the only thing you can control is yourself. If your answer to everything is “he has to change”, then it’s very likely that your life won’t change. And that’s the hard truth.
I’m a mother of a toddler (19months old). We live in Qld Australia, in a small house up a hill. I’m a stay at home Mom and my husband works during the day. I spend all day doing house chores and taking care of our child. Our house is small but it feels like forever trying to tidy up everything every single day. There’s always new mess every day. We don’t own a dishwasher so I do the dishes like 5+ times per day. My husband does gardening, mowing the lawn, taking the bin down, cooking dinner at times, etc. Im really thankful for that. I just don’t know if he really has complete understanding of what I’m actually going through right now. I have never had an alone time since we had our child. He refuses to get a babysitter or put her to day care simply because we can’t afford it. He wants me to work so we can afford to put her to day care and later on have my alone time. He doesn’t understand why I am tired when I am only at home and not actually working. We’ve had big fights about not being able to make love because I really didn’t feel like it and my body is physically exhausted. We’ve had a big fight recently when I was feeling unwell due to my monthly cramps and migraines and couldn’t attend his mate’s birthday party at Fitzroy Island for the weekend. I just didn’t have the energy to go on a trip, ride a bumpy boat and run around after our kid on an island, expecially when the weather’s spewing when I am unwell. He still wanted to go, even without me and his daughter. It really hurt me and made me feel bad that he’d still want to go despite me being unwell and needing that extra help in taking care of our child. He got angry coz I was upset and I tried to explain to him why and we just ended up arguing and fighting. It was horrible so I just asked him to go and told him that I can handle the physical pain but not the emotional and mental stress. He did not go but he is so angry with me. He does not understand what I have to endure every single day. I feel really stuck here. I also don’t have any close friends or family here since I’m from a different country and just moved here when we got married. I just want to be able to talk to him about these things and for him to understand but I can’t. He becomes defensive and argumentative.
This is my life. I do EVERYTHING. When I say everything I mean everything. Inside and out. When my son is home I can get him to do the yard and take out the trash. My husband and I both work. Me from 730-5 and and him from 7 to 630. We have a 17 yr old boy and twin 8 yr old girls. I handle everything from work, school, softball, house, yard and car. I have expressed my frustrations about it more occassions than I’d like to admit. My husband is a drinker. Always has been. We’ve been married for 14 yrs. I grew out of that stage of my life but he’s still there and I don’t see a future where he is sober. He comes home from work and sits in the chair and watches sports and drinks. I have a lot of resentment in that aspect and I don’t know how to get past that. Now that’s the bad side. He does have a great side. He’s brilliant and funny and I know he loves me and would do anything for anyone. He has a good heart. Now I have my own issues. I know I’m a bit controlling and I have a mad jealous streak. I’m trying to get past that. I know he would never cheat on me because that is not who he is. It’s mostly due to my own insecurities. However, he doesn’t do anything the ease that feeling when I express how I feel. He let a female co-worker talk him into looking at houses with her while on the clock. He can’t seem to understand that, although it was innocent, it was inoppropriate in my eyes. He and I can’t have lunch together on the days he’s working and I’m off without her there. I always feel like a 3rd wheel. I know it’s my insecurity but no matter how many time I tell him how I feel, it always backfires and I end up feeling guilty for feeling the way I do. So, I end up just bottling everything up and doing it all myself because I feel like it doesn’t matter what I say or if I ask for help I am and always will be the bad guy. 🙁
Hi there. I’m a Mom of 5.. 22/20 (live on their own) 16/14 & 6yr old who is handicapped. I’ve been divorced & started over w the youngest who’s father I’ve been with for 8yrs. Its a daily struggle to get help from all of them let alone help with the youngest who’s in a wheelchair. I had to quit my job of 4yrs just to make the necessary time for my daughters doctor appointments with I might add no help from her father. I’m exhausted and depressed as my 16yr. Old just ran away to live with her Dad. I’m at my wits end feeling under appreciated as I try to run my own business, keep a fairly clean house – they do have chores however its always a fight to get them done unless they want something a ride to church.. when I ask for help from my boyfriend he says why? I created who’ve they’ve become.. it seems so unfair to ask for so much from the kids when I feel like & they see no help from him. Ugh- I’m so lost. And now I’m afraid of that being the reason my babygirl has decided to move in with her biological father. I feel so alone..and I can NOT continue to do this alone!
Hi everyone! I feel like the maid because when I ask for help, I have to ask numerous times and when the chores don’t get done I get mad. Then an argument happens where my spouse states how i say he is lazy, worthless, not a good dad! When none of those words ever came out of my mouth. We are 2 families of 3 children each that joined. His children had not mentally developed according to their age so when I finally moved in with his then 19 yr old, 17 yr old and 14 yr old mine were 11, 8, and 4! None of his kids ever worked nor going to college, & new nothing about an OB/GYN! So I have taught them all a lot, personal hygiene, responsibility, how to cook & clean. 4 years later the oldest has a certificate in a field I drove her every day to school and home, the 2nd took a job with a friend of mine and does well but will not strive for more, and the last one is rude, disrespectful tells me where he thinks I should go yet still sleeps all day, with a phone I pay for, & has no consequences! My now 15 yr old is in a trade Highschool comes home and has 2 set chores daily to do, the 12 & 8 yr old have even more choirs to do! My job I can be home at 530 or 9! But when I get home it’s everyone pulling at me! Dinner, school, drama, then i have to push to get all to help with dishes! Now I have to pick up all the rooms, feed MY dogs, walk them, pay bills, go grocery shopping, while my husband who leaves in the am later than me and gets home 3 hours before me plays in the garage fixing miscellaneous lawn equipment for side $ so he can build a car! Comes in the house around 7/8 sits in a chair and doesn’t help the “house”. If I don’t help his kids I am rude mean etc etc but I don’t see him actively involved with mine! So much so we switched my night to take my son to football bcs my husband wouldn’t drive him as it was boring, so nownmy ex does! I forced the two girls to give me their pay checks and within 8 months I moved them into a 2 bedroom home with all their & saved they moved right in, house stocked and furnished with hand me downs & new kitchen and bathroom items. I am tired. I don’t know what my kids would ever do if I got sick. Today my daughter is having major surgery and well my 12 yenold asked tha inwake him at 530 before we leave so he can make sure he and his brother don’t miss the bus’s at 650, as my husband doesn’t get up till 7! Everyone loves my husband such a hard worker and he is but not for our family or with our family.
My life revolves around my family. Especially my children’s. I would always make sure that the home was clean for them and that they would have healthy meals etc. The house house we live in is big and was built by probably the bumbest architect ever as it is so hard to clean. It would take a whole day everyday to clean and still there’s more stuff left to do. It was easier to deal with before my baby came along but now she’s here its much harder. When I was working fulltime I would have to drop n pick kids from school. Cook meals do laundry……not even any time to do the yard so it’s a mess until I pay for someone to come and do it. When I force my husband to help he prepresent meals with no veggies or fruit. Then he complains that we waste food….well he is the one who doesn’t prepare it when I ask him too. He says things such as I am not perfect so I need his advice. He says this when he feels things in the kitchen should be put how he wants them not because he does much in there. When i ask him to do the dishes he stacks them and leaves then i end up havin ro do them. He changes everything around when I go for a weekend at my parents with the kids. For work he goes away a lot. For a whole month at times. When i am sick he provides no comfort he just grumbles and can’t leave the house fast enough and i still have to do all the chores. I have lost so much enthusiasm that I hardly bother doing things properly anymore. I feel I have no purpose in life but to be miserable. I love my children but I am beginning to loathe my husband. The thoughts ‘separation’ keeps going through my head.
As i went through the revelations, it dawned on me that i was walking myself gradually through the troubles i got myself into over the years, thinking that i was giving so much for them and making them happy at the same time, blindly assuming i would be rewarded later on. I had no inkling i was creating a bombshell that would slowly explode on my face end of the day. As i read, i thought the facts were An absolute reflection of what has been going on in my daily grind.
For husbands, they make or break your day. I was always expecting he would get me through the day and feel love, encouragement and appreciation while i sereve and make them happy and comfortable. Most of the time yes, insensitivity is a part of them being a husband. It would have to take a life threatening situation before they could make a move and see and feel your existence as a Mom not a maid.
Obviously, Christ-like image is hardly visible and portrayed amidst the family’s relationship towards another.
Nevertheless, i hope and pray it is never too late for change thus, a healthy and harmonious family altogether.. This can only make me forget that feeling of self-pity and more likely have the dose of being appreciated as a Mom not a helper.
I’m so glad that this helped you, Mary! What you’ve said is so true.
Thanks for the post. Often it is me putting Pressure on myself. I need to be more diligent at holding my kids responsible for their mess. Reading many of these comments though makes me thankful for my husband who does quite a bit of house work! Though I can be on my hands and knees scrubbing jam off the floor and milk from between the table crack all day (you know those jobs that just magically get done by themselves)…but if I don’t clean the dishes off the counter, I’m as good as having done nothing all day. I’ve learned… a clean counter keeps the peace?
Sometime i feel the same. Really nice article, i think every man should read this. 🙂
My husband doesn’t understand that I do and pay for everything. We both work full time but I am the only one that works when I get home and on weekends. He wonders why I have zero time for him in the bedroom. Some nice tips here. I’ll give them a try because after all you have to keep trying.
I’m exhausted! I want to be the best wife and mom possible and know I have to be in good condition to be able to do that. Both my husband and I work full time outside of the home. He is an independent contractor and I’m a regional manager for a staffing company. We have my 17-year old son from my previous marriage and a 17-month old son with my hubby. Our little one goes to the sitter almost 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. I usually pick up our youngest and make it home by about 6:30pm. My oldest gets home from school by about 4:45pm and my husband is usually home late around 7:30pm. My husband has a back and knee injury that leave him in a great deal of pain so when he gets home, he’s out of commission so he can rest and make it to work the next day. My oldest son has a list of chores: feed the animals, clean the litter box and empty the dishwasher. It’s a daily fight to get him to do any of it. If I just leave his chores undone, my husband gets really upset and then it turns into a big argument. I feel stuck because I just want a peaceful and senior clean home. If I don’t do it or nag until blue on the face, it doesn’t get done. I feel worn out and really taken for granted. I do a little clean up each night before falling into bed and the major cleaning and cooking on the weekends. I feel like my oldest son and husband are absorbed in their own world’s while I’m left holding the bag trying to keep things at home running…not even smoothly, just running. That’s not even taking into account my day job. I’m sure I’m doing a lot wrong and somehow enabling them but I don’t know what else to do. I have talked to both of them but to no avail. So, I just keep going – what do I do to get some support?
I feel so exhausted! My husband is always busy at work and doing church activities almost everyday. And when he comes home, he cannot help you even a simple chores sometimes. if you ask him to help he would straight forwardly answer you “please do it mommy because i am tired”. What he always wants to do at home is to be in his mobile phone. he would complain if you cannot serve his dinner even with the fact that you are so busy with chores and your children right after work. Is this right? I feel so exhausted and unloved!
My husband has “female” friends on Facebook, much to my dismay. So far, I have not read any inappropriate comments/actions, but he is playing with fire.
I feel hurt as you do because we have been betrayed. I compare our husband’s actions to emotional infidelity. I am going to seek counseling before and if my marriage ends
#2 is the root of the entire problem. You totally missed the mark on this. “Maybe you should just ask him for help.” You mentioned a scenario in which both partners work outside the home. Why then, does the woman have to ASK him for his HELP? Is she the designated cleaner and he just there to help out as needed? It’s HIS HOUSE TOO! If the kitchen needs cleaning, why can’t he just clean it? That’s yet another task for her—to see what needs to be done, then delegate the task to him, putting herself into the role of “boss/nagging mother figure.” That’s wrong. That creates resentment. He’s an adult, he ate out of the dishes, he should not wait to be told that work needs to be done. It’s his JOB!
I’d agree that it’s his job, Alison. I really would. But here’s the scenario: It may be his job, but he’s not doing it. And from what I’ve seen, in many, many cases men honestly don’t realize that their wives want them to step up to the plate in this area. They just weren’t raised that way. But when the wife sits down and says, “I need you to do this”, or “let’s divide up the chores”, he actually is willing. We assume that because he’s not doing it now, he won’t ever do it. But that’s not necessarily the case at all (and, in fact, it usually isn’t).
Of course, if you do talk to him and nothing is done, then that’s another story, and I have other posts on how to get your husband to change when he’s doing something wrong. But I do think that asking is a good place to start.
(And, by the way, let’s make sure we raise our sons so that they do know to do housework!)
OK. Have read many of the comments and I guess that the female doing the lion’s share of the work is the norm. However, not in my house: am 63, retired after 38 years in the workforce with several different career paths. Wife still teaches. In my house I do 99% (nothing is ever 100%) of the: shopping, meal planning, cooking, baking, cleaning (including toilets, on hands and knees), laundry, car maintenance, outdoor work, house maintenance, finances (invested our way to several million dollars in assets, no debt, paid college for two girls), volunteering in the schools, home construction projects. Work out at Lifetime 3-4-5 times per week – do NOT want to be shuffling when I’m 75. Want to race skiing into my 90’s (I know a guy who does this). I do NOT resent doing it – she’s working, I’m not. When I was working did 50-100% of these chores, depending on what they were (cars, finances, home/outdoor maintenance, etc). Do I love doing this stuff? No – would rather go cycling or skiing. But – would rather do this than to not have any time together at night or on weekends.
This article really touched home for me. It is nice to know I am not the only woman who feels less like a Mom and wife, but rather a maid and slave. I talk to my mom friends and share pictures with them and they tell me why do I put up with it.
I think my husband finally understands how I have felt because he has been trying to limit a tad of it. Don’t laugh at the tad part, because that is better then nothing at all for how it’s been for so many years now.
So it was really nice to have this article on my feed and know I am not the only mother and wife to feel this way.
I’d like to connect on your Facebook page about this topic so I talk to other wife’s and mom’s to learn ways to break free of this slavery like they all did when they connected there.
I feel like I’m a slave to my partner and kids…
I’m reduced to tears and anxiety daily.. I have no help in the family home at all, and he constantly undermines me when I’m trying to teach kids right from wrond.
He rewards our son for bad behaviour towards myself.
Three days running dinner is cooked and served and I’m that upset with how my son treats me I end up carrying on with chores and not eating. I attend the freedom programme weekly which is helping me massively with my emotional and recognising abusers tactic.
I did leave the family home my kids were put into care and I was left on street for days. So I felt I had no option but to return home, my local mp, council, social services just left me to sleeping rough…
I now feel so low my doctor has diagnosed me with manic depression I’m scared of my own self right now as I feel I prob best not living anymore. I don’t want to die but I feel so worthless.
I agree with most of it and sounds like I have been making some of the mistakes you listed, in particular a couple of the ones with the kids. Thank you!
I do want to say though, that it isn’t the be all and end all. Some husbands are stubborn. They don’t do it when asked, forget (and don’t like that being mentioned!) or glare. (We don’t always think of this when you’re younger, in love, a bit more carefree and there aren’t children around, which can be when the marriage proposal happens. If we DID, then maybe there wouldn’t be very many married people, haha.) And while we do have some role, it is not entirely our job to make sure everyone does as they should, specially the other grown-up of the family.
My husband is a good person, but I constantly feel unappreciated. he’s from a different nationality. he came to the country here for me only.
his sisters also are married here and live nearby, so it’s really not an isolated land for him. he’s in and out of jobs. does not get paid much. we have two little children. he does not have a driving license either. I have a good job and a car. I do mostly everything. he helps in the house sometimes but I spend every penny I have on the house. he does not provide for us at all. he barely can make it providing for his own expenses. when I tell him what I do, the household stuff, taking my kids for the daycare each day and get them back. buying our needs and working hard, he would say: you chose this life, if you do not like it, you can come live with me in my country. and his country we would simply starve. his family is very poor and broken. he would work as a labourer. we would not have the basic life requirements. I fall out of love for him, he’s kind but it’s not enough. no matter what I do; it does not mean anything. I feel unloved. I feel broken. this marriage broke me in all ways. In 3 years time I had two C sections and a gallbladder removal surgeries, my body has changed, my heart my health. And I do not feel loved anymore.
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