Can a long distance engagement work?
Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and then take a stab at answering it–and invite my readers to chime in, too. Here’s one from a woman in a long distance relationship wondering about engagement:
Reader Question
A few years back I met a guy from several time zones away. We got to know each other through facebook/skype/texting/etc, and saw each other in person for a month or so each year. The last visit (3 months ago) we both admitted that feelings had developed beyond that of “just friends”, and we want to try a relationship with a purpose (neither of us want to just casually date).
What kind of advice would you give to those in a long-distance relationship? We are neither young nor desperate, and are willing to take our time. Even so, I don’t want to miss a huge red flag (or HIM to miss one!) that would be completely obvious if we were living close to each other.
This is such a common scenario today, and here are a few thoughts I have on having a healthy (and productive) long distance engagement:
Long Distance Engagement = Skyping with a Purpose
This reader has hit on something really key–when your relationship consists mostly of Skype dates, how do you make sure you’re not missing red flags? When you see each other on a regular basis, you can figure out if they’re lazy, if they’re good with kids, if they’re kind to strangers, if they take care of their home, and other things like that. When you don’t, then all you see is the persona that the person uses online. How do you get past that?
You Skype with a purpose!
And by that I mean that when you do Skype, you aren’t just talking about “safe” things that make you feel close and all luvey duvey. You don’t just bond over childhood memories or favourite movies or things like that. You actually have to ask the hard questions and make an effort to get to know each other. That can be a difficult thing to do, and the first step is doing exactly what this reader did–clarify the expectations of what this relationship is.
What Are We Doing?
One of the problems with long distance relationships is that, especially in the early stages, you’re always guessing about what the person feels about you. You text and they don’t text back for a day. Does that mean they don’t care? You were hoping to Skype tonight but he’s too busy. Does that mean you take the relationship more seriously than they do? And because you can’t really see body language in the same way, it’s inherently insecure.
Long distance relationships for just that reason have the capacity for a lot of heartache. I’ve seen my girls and other kids I know agonize over long distance relationships because it’s just not clear where it’s going. One person may just have fun chatting while the other is really invested in the relationship. And how do you take it to the next level?
It isn’t worth obsessing over someone long distance for too long. I think we owe it to ourselves to clarify what we’re doing. So once you have some degree of confidence, ask, “what are we doing?” And it’s fine to set some ground rules, like, “if we’re going to talk long distance, I don’t just want to be someone you turn to when you’re bored. I expect that we’ll connect twice a week to get to know each other. If you’re not comfortable with that, I’d like to move on…”
Many women assume they’re in a long distance relationship because they have a guy that they like that they skype with every now and then. But he may not see the relationship the same way. So you do have to talk about it, and be prepared to move on if he isn’t that into you.
Once it’s apparent that you both do want to date with a purpose, then it’s time to do some interesting things while you talk online!
Do Some Personality Tests
Early on in your relationship I think it’s fun to take some personality tests online and figure out some basic things about each other. What is your love language? What is your MBTI type (this is my favourite personality test!).
Ask Some Hard Questions
If you’re moving towards engagement, you have to really know each other. But it can be tough and awkward to ask the hard questions. So I’d recommend getting a book, like 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged, that you agree to work through together. That way if a question’s awkward, you can say, “well, we did agree to work through the book….”
Some people have found the book a little negative–like he’s giving you all kinds of reasons NOT to get married, which can solidify someone’s decision who is commitment-phobic. Perhaps I’d agree in some cases, because I do think commitment is one of the hugest issues in marriage, and you’ll never find that “one perfect person”. However, because of the inherent riskiness of long distance relationships, I’d really recommend a book like this, because you do need to discover those red flags.
Some of the key things you’ll want to know: how does He serve God? What has God been saying to him lately? What is his relationship like with his family? What are his career goals and how is he moving towards them? How do you handle money? When’s the last time you looked at porn? Yes, they’re tough, but you need to know!
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Get Other People Involved
As much as possible, use Skype to create some interactions that you would normally have. Meet his parents. Meet his friends. In fact, as often as possible Skype with other people involved, too. You want to become part of his social circle and he should become part of yours.
Once the relationship has become serious, it may be good to set up a Skype meeting between a pastor and the two of you.
And take other people’s concerns seriously. When you’re in a long distance relationship, it’s easy to think of the two of you as living in your own little world, but if you get married, it won’t be just the two of you. It will be your friends, your family, your co-workers. You have people who care about you–listen to what their instincts (and even the Holy Spirit) may be telling them.
Set Up a Schedule to Talk
If you’re moving towards engagement, then you should be skyping/texting/interacting regularly–I would say at least 2-3 times a week for an extended period. If you only talk once a week, then it’s easy to just put on your best face. You want to see them in real life as much as possible–and they need to see you like that, too.
Do A Bible Study
Read and study the Bible together and pray together. Now, some people aren’t really comfortable with in-depth Bible study. That’s not their way of relating to God, and that’s okay. But you can still read a Psalm together. You can agree that “this month we’re going to read through the book of Acts”, even if you don’t do a word study on it. And you certainly can pray together! Make sure that your spiritual life is part of your long distance relationship, even if you can’t go to church together.
Long distance relationships can be challenging, especially when you want to get engaged, here are some suggestions how to make sure it’s healthy and productive.
Plan for “In Person” Visits
I know it’s expensive, but you simply must spend the money and be together in person several times before you get married. It’s cheaper to do that than to rush into a relationship that’s wrong. Ideally these visits could be for a few weeks, but even a long weekend is better than nothing. Meet his family. See where he lives. Go to church with him (do people know his name? Do they greet him?). The hard part, of course, is where do you stay, since you likely don’t want to stay overnight with him. That’s where meeting some of his friends on Skype beforehand can be good. Or perhaps you can stay with his parents! It may be awkward, but it’s actually good to get to know his social circle and his family anyway.
Once you do get engaged, I think it’s important to move to the place where he lives, or have him move to where you live. Obviously sometimes immigration issues may make this impossible, but if it is possible, be with him on a daily basis before you actually tie the knot.
I know many couples who have married after a long distance engagement, and they’re all still married and still happy. My daughters did the hair for one wedding last year that was just a blast–she was from Pennsylvania, and he was from Saskatchewan, and they met in Bible quizzing. I’m not against long distance relationships at all. I just think you have to be super careful and super wise, and go in with your eyes wide open. But in this day and age when technology makes long distance engagements possible, it opens up a whole new world, and I think ultimately it’s a good thing.
And, of course, if you’re getting married, I can’t recommend The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex highly enough! I wrote it for any engaged or married woman, but it’s really my prayer that more engaged women will read it, because I think if you understand sex better from the beginning you’ll save yourself so much heartache–and you’ll have so much more fun. I’ve got a special chapter in it for the wedding night/honeymoon, so please read it before you get married!
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
But I’d like to hear from you–what would you add to this list? If you married after a long distance relationship, what’s the one best thing you did while dating? Let us know in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Good old-fashioned letters.
Skype and email are wonderful for quick, regular contact. But there is something about a handwritten letter that is very special. We “dated” trans-atlantic for a summer, and my sweetheart wrote me a letter every week. I still have them.
Also. In any relationship it is important to listen to friends or family who are pointing out red flags. It is even more important in a long-distance situation.
Aw, I love letters! That must be so special that you still have them all. How sweet!
I married after an almost exclusively long-distance relationship, although we originally got to know each other in person. We met at a church event while I was on study leave and became casual friends for about three months. When I was moving back overseas at the end of my leave, my now-husband asked if I would consider a long-distance relationship. After we became a couple, we only spent another 3 1/2 weeks in the same city before our wedding and even had to be apart for most of the first 14 months of our marriage (not by choice!).
I second everything that Sheila has mentioned above! We were so thankful that we spent the early part of our relationship with a purpose (to answer the question of whether this relationship should proceed to marriage or not), asking good but sometimes difficult questions (to get to know each other at a deeper-than-casual friendship level), and ensuring that we were building each other up spiritually. In fact, that last point was our litmus test of the relationship: were we “sharpening” each other (As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Prov 27:17) in our relationship with God, or were we distracting each other? We knew that our relationship was healthy when we could see growth spiritually and emotionally, both as individuals and as a couple. We also knew it was important to invite other people (our pastors, our parents, close friends, etc) into our relationship, so that we could see how the other interacted with people and also raise any concerns that we might have been blind to.
We used the book that Sheila mentioned above by H. Norman Wright, among others, to help us ask the tricky questions. I can also recommend long-distance relationship resources by Lisa Mackay. Although her books weren’t published in time for us to use, she has some great stuff and helpful questions in her books and website about long-distance relationships. Although long-distance has many drawbacks, one of the biggest benefits of doing things long-distance is that the relationship focuses primarily on communication and building spiritual and emotional intimacy.
As Christians, one of the most important things that we did while dating long-distance was to pray for wisdom and discernment. I also prayed that God would help me to “guard my heart” and not get too emotionally involved prematurely. Skype relationships can become intense/emotionally intimate very quickly! And I wanted a chance to evaluate the relationship with a clear head. Once I had confirmed that he was a growing Christian, committed to helping me grow, honourable, trustworthy, and pursuing my heart with gentleness and passion, well, it didn’t take me long to fall in love! And now a few years later and doing life “in-person”, I’m more in love than ever!! I can confirm that long-distance engagements can work out, and not just work out, but really thrive.
Sorry this comment has become so long, but one last idea: don’t forget to ask the not-so-serious questions. It can be really good to know whether your intended leaves socks on the floor, the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up (thankfully, he truthfully answered no to these ones, but it would have been good to be prepared…). I’ve heard that these can cause quite a bit of marital conflict! 🙂
“That last point was our litmus test of the relationship: were we “sharpening” each other (As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Prov 27:17) in our relationship with God, or were we distracting each other? We knew that our relationship was healthy when we could see growth spiritually and emotionally, both as individuals and as a couple.”
Thank you for this! As I read this post, and then your reply, I can’t help but smile. God is so faithful!
Our oldest son is currently “courting” a young lady who lives half way across the country. They have been doing much of what Sheila mentioned. They’ve done the love language test and the MBTI. They talk regularly and have been purposeful to ask fun questions as well as the hard questions. They are working through a Bible study together via email, and pray together during their phone conversations. Our family has Skyped with their family, and next week we are headed to the East Coast to spend some time together as families. In an after-dinner conversation late last night our son asked, “So after all *that*… How much more information do we really need to know? How long should we wait before deciding if we should become engaged or just remain friends?” (He, by the way, is head-over-heels for this young lady…) My husband and I wrestled with that question. They haven’t been courting for very long, but have purposefully learned so much about each other in that time. They appear to be a great pair. Instead of trying to come up with the right time to become engaged, we could only think of reasons to NOT become engaged (aka “deal-breakers”, none of which apply to them). Your answer, the litmus test — that you build each other up spiritually, that you know the relationship is healthy, as evidenced by spiritual and emotional growth as individuals and as a couple — is THE answer.
Thanks again for sharing your story.
My husband and I were long distance for most of our dating relationship and engagement (we’ve been married for a year now). We talked on the phone every night, and each Friday night we did devotions or questions–we went through the book Sheila recommended-it’s great!! We visited whenever we could, and I worked where he lived for 2 summers so we could spend some more time together. One thing that helped me a lot was deciding on boundaries together that you’d follow when apart (don’t be purposefully alone with someone of the opposite sex, don’t front hug girls/guys other than family, etc.). I always trusted my husband completely, but those boundaries always added an extra layer of peace for me. While long distance is very tough, it is worth it if/when you get married, and it helps you be even more thankful to wake up next to him every morning 🙂 The night before our wedding, my husband told his best man something like, “I’m so glad this is the last time I have to drop Faith off somewhere and say goodbye. From now on, I’ll just get to say goodnight”. 🙂 You can do it, and it is all worth it in the end!
One last word of advice, so many people told me we’d find other people, and it would never work out. Just tune those comments out. If it’s not meant to be, it will end whether you’re long distance or not. Just have faith in each other and know that many people have happily made it through the same journey 🙂
My hubby and I were long distance the entire time before we got married. We talked every night via Skype, and I often involved my family if possible (my dad and brother felt awkward about the situation, so they didn’t want to be super involved, but my mom and much younger brothers [ages 8 and 9] did a lot to get to know Garett along with me). After talking online for 2 months, we met in person for the first time. We visited 5 times before we got married (the 5th being a couple days before our wedding), each visit doing our best to include our close friends and family.
We both knew from the get-go that we weren’t interested in “just chatting” or recreational dating. Because of that, we talked about our “uncompromisables” and real-life, things that are really important to us very early on (I think we started being intentional about bringing it up after only 2 weeks). Once we realized our lives were headed in the same basic direction, we did talk about these things in greater detail.
We both had been praying for many years for and about our future spouse. This relationship was bathed in prayer many years before we even knew each other.
The hardest thing about being long distance, was some of the little things. I’m not a horribly messy person, and my hubby isn’t a complete neat freak, but he is neater than I am. So our little quirks like that took a little getting used to, since we hadn’t been around each other in person much.
All in all, I really think we were able to get to know each other on a deeper level because we were long distance, and all we could do was talk. At the same time, I realize not everyone would feel comfortable with long distance relationships. I recommend praying (A LOT!), involving family and trusted friends if possible, and not being afraid to ask the tough questions!
Actually, Lori Lynn, you bring up a GREAT point that I should have made in the post–often long distance relationships start off STRONGER in some ways because people are forced to just talk! And so they really do talk about everything. So often in “in person” relationships the physical takes over, or just the “doing something together” takes over, and you don’t have as many heart-to-hearts. So it definitely can work–as your relationship is proof!
I wrote a blog post awhile back that gave a list of questions to discuss when considering marriage. My husband and I had a semi-long-distance relationship (we lived about an hour and a half apart) and we were very intentional with our dating. My post gives the questions we both answered early on in the relationship to see if we were on the same page on major issues and compatible for marriage. http://lindsays-logic.blogspot.com/2012/04/items-to-discuss-before-engagement.html
GREAT questions, Lindsay! Thanks for sharing that.
When my husband and I met we only had about 4 months together before I had to go back to my home country. I decided I wanted to come back to see where it would lead to, but was still gone for about 6 months while I waited for a new visa and permission to work. Based on this I would suggest that when things are getting serious one of you move to be near the other before getting married. That way you have time to see each other and find possible red flags before you are married. If you are planning on getting married one of you would move anyway. And if it turns out that you decided not to get married, even a tough move was still easier than a failed marriage.
I am now married (9 years) after our entire pre marriage relationship was long distance. Ours wasn’t very far, a little more than 2 hours but I was a full time college student, working, on an athletic team and a youth leader at a local church. My husband worked full time but often put in extra hours. We initially met through mutual friends. They were more his friends than mine, but none the less, we had people in common we both knew. My husband had family in the area so he could visit over a weekend. He couldn’t visit often but when he did we went to church together, ate lunch, spent time with his family and tried doing everyday things. We made a point to talk daily except the occasional times it wouldn’t work due to one of us traveling. We were intentional in our conversations. I had the opportunity to see him interact with his nieces, they loved him! I had the opportunity to be with him during the loss of his mom and other family members in a short period of time so with that I got to see how he handles stress. When I would visit him, we went to his church, spent time with the people he was around the most. During the summer months, I moved back home to work a better paying job and lived 6 hours away and my schedule got even busier. Phone calls and texting was our main contact but I’d usually email him at night so he’d have something to read in the mornings and then he’d reply to give me something to read when I got off work. Most importantly, we prayed together before saying goodnight each night. We dealt with people telling us our relationship wouldn’t work if I didn’t move closer because we needed the everyday interaction but it also helped us avoid temptation to do anything physically that we shouldn’t. Some of the people who told us it wouldn’t work because of the distance don’t have as strong of marriage, from what I can see, because they didn’t have to learn to communicate, especially the hard stuff. We had to learn to communicate and built a trust in each other. Yes some of the everyday stuff bothered me when we were first married because it was different than how I was raised but I had to ask myself “did I marry him because of how tidy he keeps his place or because of the character he shows? (or whatever thing happened to be bothering me at the time). Over time, he’s started putting in the effort to pick up after himself and some of the things that drove me crazy actually make me laugh now. None of us are perfect and I have plenty of things that he doesn’t like but when we choose to look at the person, not their flaws, and see them how Jesus created them to be, those things become so minor.
I have two examples of long-distance relationships.
1. We met as volunteers in a Christian place, abroad. We were both young, around 20 yrs. He was good looking and I liked that he had goals in life (he wanted to be a lawyer and later he became one). We were attracted to each other, but were quite shy to say anything to each other. He was there 3 weeks and later came back to work again. We started to date, which means we went for a couple of secret walks, kissed and started writing letters when he left (this was before Skype!). I will analyze and give some reasons why this relationship didn’t work. First of all, he was not pursuing me in a way that I would have known what he was really thinking about. Yes, we liked each other, but he did not put himself out there and declare that he is serious and really wants to get to know me better. I, on the other hand, typical woman, was planning the wedding already in my head! He was supposed to visit me in my home country and in my parents home, but instead he wrote a short letter saying that after talking with his youth pastor he decided that long-distance-relationships will not work and he will not come visit me. That was it. I was naturally hurt and wrote back a long letter saying basically that I hope he could have come to that conclusion with me, face to face.
My second long-distance experience is quite the opposite from the first from start to finish!
2. I was on a 3 month short term trip in a difficult access country. Some people I got to know planned a blind date with this tall, passionate man, in his late twenties. I had not planned to date while on my short term…I was on a serious quest whether God wanted me to serve Him in missions or not! However, we met and went for a date few days later.
The reasons why I later married this man are of course too many to list here, but compared to the first experience, here are some thoughts.
-My husband had served the Lord in the field for several years already. God had been working in his life and his team mates were very positive about him.
– On our first date we did “My Favorite Things” inspired by Mary Poppins! He shared one of his favorite things, I shared one, and we took turns sharing our very favorite things to do. Amazingly, we shared a lot of common favorites, things we still love to do together!
-Without knowing this, we both read the same book in the Bible after returning home form our first date. Imagine my surprise when he started to share about book of Ruth the next time we met! “I read the book of Ruth last night as well!” I said. It was a God moment.
– Very soon after our first date (we lived in different cities) he told me that he is quite seriously thinking about having a relationship with me. We met, talked and shared. We didn’t kiss nor give any promises…we were getting to know each other, but we both knew it was for long term purposes, not to have fun.
– He was impressed by the books I read. We both love to read and I think finding out your dates favorite books will tell a lot about him/her!!!
– He called me every night (10 time zones apart when we were in our native countries!) and we wrote emails every day, long emails. He send me a postcard every day. I still have them. We wrote letters and send pictures to each other.
– We decided to visit each others home countries, parents and friends before making any decisions. I got to know his family. I asked his friends about him. They all seemed to love and respect him. He was send by his church and we went for a pre-engagement/marriage meeting with a pastor, answering questions and discussing the results. For example, we found out that his family was/is very closed knitted almost to the point that it’s not healthy, whereas I come from a family that is little more loose-related. This has helped us later while we visit parents and meet different expectations.
– The whole time he was very clear about his intentions: unless God would stop us, he would pursue me seriously. There was a day or two I felt little too pursued (do I have a choice?) , but it really helped me to know what he is thinking about me! He was inspired to “Be a Man with a Purpose”, to do this by reading Elisabeth Elliot’s books, especially Passion and Purity. I love her books too!
We met in June, he visited my family in October, I visited his side in January and we got engaged that January. We got married 13 months after we first met.
It really helped that we were both serious about long term missions. He had been on the field already, and as I said yes to him, I knew I would be saying yes to missions! God had brought us together and today we have been married for 13 years!
I forgot one thing. My parents don’t speak his native language. He wrote them a letter talking about his life, his purposes and plans and about his interest in me and gave it to them the first time they met. My parents were very impressed by this. He also wrote a letter to my Dad asking for my hand before he proposed, and my Dad was deeply impressed and touched by this. So, my parents were 100% positive about him and our future together in missions!
Those are such good stories, and great examples! Thanks for sharing. It’s so clear that God was so in your second relationship, too. That’s great that God brought two people so passionate about serving Him together.
Hubby and I got serious when I was in China and he was in LA, CA. Long distance. Now, we had been friends before this and had many mutual friends. We’d already been out on one date, but I’d declared us ‘just friends’ after that. While I was in China, I was convicted that really I was shutting down the relationship for no good reason. This man was all I’d been praying for, except he wasn’t as socially adept as I imagined my husband would be. That’s what held me back? I realized that it wasn’t a good reason and social adeptness can come and go and develop (or digress). It started via email, then phone calls (which were very expensive, so we went to yahoo chat. (that’s what was the big chat program nine years ago!) Skype didn’t really exist then, so we had phone cards that made it a bit cheaper. He did talk to my Dad on the phone (both where in the USA then), and asked my hand in marriage from my Dad over the phone.
We found that since it was so expensive to talk, we would really make the most of such conversations. We were both in our older 20s, and knew what we wanted and so knew the questions to ask. (no, we didn’t ask all the right questions and a few have come up that we had to work through).
We got engaged when I returned state-side, so did engagement locally. but I wouldn’t change what we did. I think we started out with a stronger relationship than otherwise. This won’t be true for everyone, I’m sure, but for a lot of folks it will be.
I am in a serious long distance relationship, but we have known each other for five years, and we lived by each other for a long time. He moved to another state over a year ago while he was still in college, and we were very good friends. He was (and is) everything I could want in someone, and he makes more of an effort (sadly) than some of my boyfriends who lived in the same town as me. We do talk about difficult things, and our long term goals, interests, families, art, etc. We actually met via a christian punk rock band forum, lived RIGHT by each other for the first few years knowing each other, had the same circle of friends, and believe all the same things. It’s hard some days, but I feel more peace about him than I did with anyone else. Plus he is a very calm man, and does not panic about the distance. It’s definitely strengthened my faith in God, and built my trust with him as well. Long distance isn’t all bad when you have the same goal in mind!
Skype while doing other things – like cooking for example. If the tablet is set up in the kitchen, you can see what it’s like and get a feel for how the person looks after that space and what kind of meals they prepare.
Great idea!
How grateful I am on media’s role in helping long distance relationship. If you are committed to each other, there is no way you won’t communicate even several times a day.
Thanks for the book recommendation! My sweetheart and I live over 300 miles apart – and we are so blessed in that we’ve been able to visit one another every few weeks. We’ve been reading a lot of books aloud to one another when we’re together, and this would be so helpful to work through.