Today’s guest post is from Sarah Ball, aka The Virtuous Woman Exposed, talking about insecurity as a mom. I dare you to get through this without laughing!
I had 2 health care appointments recently – one for an overall health examination, the other for an overall women’s health examination. It doesn’t look good ladies. The diagnosis? I have saggy breasts and a saggy stomach full of stretch marks and there is no cure.
My first appointment was an overall health exam. I sat there obediently waiting for the doctor to come in, all dressed up in my wrap-around blue cotton gown. (What does one wear to accessorize?) The doctor examined me from head to toe. Asking mental health questions along the way. First my reflexes, then my throat, then my stomach, then my breasts.
“You don’t have any body image issues do you?” the doctor asked as he mechanically circulated my mamos. “Um no” I answered. “Should I?” I thought to myself. That was an odd question for a doctor to ask while doing a breast examination.
My 2nd appointment was a few days later for an even more thorough women’s health exam. The dreaded PAP. Thank goodness they changed the recommended checkup to once every 3 years. I chose to snub my family doctor based on his handsomeness and go to a women’s clinic at the hospital instead. A friendly female doctor came in, casual and confident.
“She does PAPS for a living, this should go quick and easy.” I thought to myself. I answered her standard questions, got dressed into my blue gown (I hate wearing the same thing twice in one week) and I positioned myself into THE most socially awkward position known to Woman.
Being near 40 and having had 5 children, I know they are going to ask me to scoot forward, more…(awkward) a little more… (awkwarder) and a little bit more (death by awkwardness). I am always hesitantly but obedient.
After the dreaded PAP test, the doctor examined my lower abdomen. “You know…” she said in a friendly tone “There’s nothing you can do about that, you could do 500 hundred crunches a day and you’ll never fix that.”
If I had an Adams Apple (which obviously I don’t or that appointment would have been even more awkward) I would have choked on it.
“A lot of women have opted for surgery, that is an option,” she said as she moved her examination upwards. She began her breast examination. “Nothing you can do for that either” she said as she checked for lumps. “There is surgery though, lots of women just go and get both done at the same time, they call it the Mommy Makeover.” Unprompted by me, she preceded to explain the surgical procedure and options.
I swallowed my imaginative Adams Apple and came out of my awkward trance just enough to say, “I’m actually not that bothered by it. I work out, I feel good, my husband is attracted to me, and I’m a pretty confident person.” She responded with a sympathetic smile as if she thought I was lying.
I am glad to say my smear was clear and I am lump free, however, I came away from that experience a little confused about my self-image.
My thoughts took over…
“Should I have surgery?” I asked myself “Do I want to give up my baby scars for a giant smiley scar, only so I look good in a bikini and lingerie?”
“Do I want to have higher breasts, when I have nursed 5 babies and I am super proud of that?”
“Should I be insecure?”
“Does my husband secretly wish I would get surgery?”
I know that insecurity is a battle all women will face from the time they are a developing little girl to an aged woman.
I have a teen and a 7 year old and I can see it in them. But how do we surrender to this fight when society is in our face about it? We can’t escape it; it’s everywhere. Just when we seem to have crawled back to confidence (either post baby, or hitting a new age, or succeeding at weight loss) we receive another blow.
I remember getting hit hard with insecurity right after the birth of my 5th child. I had gone to a hotel swimming pool with my husband and my 5 children, one being my 2-month-old newborn. Bathing suits and new baby bodies are the biggest clash of a mom, but I had ‘been-there-done-that’ and I had gotten over it. So I thought.
We walked into the pool area; the older kids dove in with dad as I yelled, “don’t run!” I looked around, proud of my cute baby, and then I saw Her and I froze.
There she was, in the flesh, ‘victoria-not-so–secret,’ in person, leaning over the poolside table. She was standing and leaning over a laptop with her perfect butt propped in the air, leaning in her string, no nothing bikini.
Frozen, I grabbed my baby boy and held him close to my body like I was nude and he was my towel. I ran to the hot tub and quickly submerged my 5-times over imploded baby body and sunk. I sunk literally and figuratively.
She leaned for ten minutes with her butt purposefully and seductively in the air and I molted. My husband was off swimming with the other kids and I kept wondering, if he had seen her. “Of course he has! EVERYONE has!” I thought to myself. Later my husband reassured me that without his glasses (which he had taken off for swimming) he was blinded and oblivious. (Good answer)
But in that moment, I imagined myself thrust onto a bare stage in my full piece full figured bathing suit standing next to her and her butt. The world and my husband were the judge. I felt humiliated
“And the award for best breeder goes too….drum roll……Sarah Ball”
“And the award for sexiest body and playboy bent over a lap top leaning position goes to…It’s unanimous! The Butt!” The crowd goes wild.
This attack had come out of nowhere. I was instantly thrust into an inner battle and I was forced to come to terms with my stretched baby badges and cellulite and face this demon head on.
This was probably the most insecure moment of my life.
“Should I hate her?” I questioned,
“Should I blame her for dressing and standing so provocatively?”
“Is she purposefully trying to mark her territory, including my husband?”
I closed my eyes, I tried to imagine her giving birth to triplets, and it didn’t help. I told myself she would be fat and old someday too. Nope, she still won. I was losing this battle and losing it fast.
I went home in tears. I cried for days, with my reassuring husband who would look me straight into my puffy face and tell me he would love me and always find me attractive no matter what. (How that translated into “So you DO think I’m fat!?” I will never know) I didn’t believe him. I was a wreck.
Soon, The Lord led me to a very hard question… Was I enough? That was a 2-part question. Was God enough AND Was I enough for God?
I faced this question with truth. Not with some superficial denial that my stretch marks are a gift from God to remind me of the most amazing experience life has to offer. REALLY?! The experience of puking bile for 3 months because there`s nothing left in your stomach, excessive heart burn, bulging varicose veins all leading to the climactic moment of torturous pain?! No thank you!
The truth was – I am grossly imperfect in the world’s eyes. I am technically “disfigured” as far as the definition of a perfect body goes. I am an overweight, stretched out, saggy mom, but I am beautiful, I am adored and I am enough.
I had to come to the realization that my self worth does not and cannot come from myself, the world, or even my adoring husband. My self worth comes from God.
I choose not to have surgery because the battle is within, not external and no scalpel is going to win it for me. I am determined to meditate on becoming the most beautiful woman in God’s eyes.
Song of Solomon 4:7 You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.
I WILL continue to eat right, exercise, look up 5 Ways to Make my Skin Glow, and drink plenty of water to make me look younger. I WILL still plan on wearing push up bras, pull in SPANX, and under eye concealer and I WILL always hate wearing a bathing suit in public.
However, I WILL keep meditating on God’s adoration for me, I WILL keep trying to respect my body’s changes, I WILL find victory in each insecure battle I face with the truth of God, and I WILL still go for regular awkward PAP tests.
Psalm 34:5 Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.
Sarah Ball is a freelance writer, blogger and a mother of 5 children ages 3-15. She lives with her husband in a small town (by choice) in Alberta, Canada. You can follow her blog at Virtuous Woman Exposed.
Sarah says, “Head on over to my Virtuous Woman Exposed Facebook Page so we can be friends! You can also find me on Pinterest and Twitter.“
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you! Rather than laugh, I found myself tearing up at how close to home Sarah’s words hit. I hope I can learn the lesson Sarah is teaching, that my self worth comes from God. It is such a struggle to love my body.
I think Sarah’s commend ring true for both men and women. Some men does have some excess stuff and I know since I have quiet a bit feel very unattractive. I’m trying to lose the weight, but like the doctor said, You never get rid of it. So what’s the point. The point is, that you give it your all and you feel better about your self and your efforts. Your spouse will notice and just that is enough. I think we all want to be desired by our spouses. So now on to the “pool part”. Me personally would probably caught a glimpse, thought “DAMN” and just went on and thought nothing more of it. You see worse just bringing up any website including the news. Being 41 years old I love my wife, I would not trade her for the world. I doesn’t bother me that she too her a bit of excess stuff, that she droops here and there. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
This was AWESOME. I have to say, though, I was formulating this comment in my mind about how I have a friend who swears she loves her sags and wrinkles, that she’s earned them . . . and yet I find it ironic that she wears spanx. And then I read the last paragraph that talks about using spanx!
Maybe it’s easier for me to laugh because, in spite of weight gain and stretch marks, I haven’t ever been prengnant (we had to adopt) or breast fed, so perhaps my body isn’t quite as saggy as any mother-of-five would be.
I also count myself fortunate to have some positive men in my life when I was a young adult, who said things like, “Every woman should be able to look at herself and see how beautiful she really is.” And a husband who has thought I was sexy even at my heaviest. Those things really can make a difference, can’t they?
And, even in my very skinny youth, I had love handles and a ponchy belly, so I have been able to accept that as normal, just something I sometimes have to work around when clothes shopping, something to wonder about (WHY are they there?), but not anything I needed to be ashamed of.
When I go to our local pool, I have loved seeing women of ALL shapes and sizes in their suits, playing with their kids. Maybe some of them are embarrassed and have concerns — I hope not too bad — but I love that they are still OUT and PLAYING, not refusing to show their body.
I think this article has made me remember to be grateful for the good influences I have had that have made it easier to have a good body image. We all need to be easier on ourselves.
A few weeks ago I went to dinner with a girlfriend- it was our time out. No kids, no men, no distractions…just the girls. We ended up going out dancing afterwards. My friend found a guy who caught her interest and for the rest of the night he was her main focus. I was hurt and so I walked outside, where I stood by myself for a good 10 minutes before my friend came looking for me and to see what was wrong. Her and this man couldn’t understand that I was upset because on a girls night out, she opted to focus her attention on anything else but girl time. I wasn’t offended at the time, but when I told this story later- I realized his comment was offensive to me….even if he didn’t intend for it to be. He asked if the reason I was upset and crying was because I was unhappy with my appearance, because I am a heavier set woman. Why shouldn’t I be secure in myself, whether I weigh 150 pounds or 250?! I’ve dealt with issues my entire life regarding my weight…and it took me a very long time to love myself as I am. God made me this way. Who am I to question His work?
I am able to love myself, because God loves me. Because He has given me the strength, the courage, the confidence I need. I’m not so self conscious in a bathing suit anymore. I love clothing and shopping now because I know how to dress to flatter my body type.
I love articles like this because they inspire me. Thank you for that!
I was just talking with my neighbour the other day how ‘confidence’ is the key to attractiveness and appeal no matter the size. So I am glad to hear you shop and dress to flatter! You go girl!
Oh and P.S – I used to have a friend (in my dating years) who whenever we would go out together men would walk up to me and say “hi my name is (insert random man name) What’s your friend’s name?” – OUCH
I was just in a discussion about this with a group of friends and we concluded that people shoukd keep their weight related comments to themselves, regardless of whether the person is over or under weight. As someone who has been underweight her whole life, not counting pregnancies when I gain an inordinate amount of weight, I have probably received more rude comments about my weight than most. “Are you anorexic?” is probably the most common. Having snide comments whispered about me behind my back, “that skinny b****” and more. I have friends who are underweight due to health issues and those comments hurt them even more because they would do anything for a few womanly curves.
Let’s just remember what most of our mothers told us growing up, ” If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all.” And then go out and dress well, stand up straight, and be confident in the beautiful heart God made in you.
I am certainly not excusing the horrible comments people made about you but there tends to be SO MUCH pressure on women to look skinny/a certain way. There is a very judgmental attitude towards those of us who have larger figures as if we are lazy or eat too much because we are bigger. What has then happened is we’ve developed a swing of the pendulum so now you have bigger gals hating on the skinny gals in addition to the skinny gals who look down their noses at the bigger ones. I wish we could all just stop with that and encourage one another. I have friends and family myself who cannot seem to keep any weight on and I feel like I’ve got all their weight for them. It’s so frustrating! But I’m learning (or trying to) be confident in myself and how God made me. Love to you and so sorry for those who have been ugly!!!
Ok so happy you wrote this, I have also been underweight always except while pregnant, and the comments are so frequent and so hurtful! And shockingly inappropriate! It can be very hard on your self esteem to be that size “zero” everyone loves to hate.
Sarah you’re beautiful inside out.The number of women that take on the scalpel are many,you not choosing it,makes you a winner and a contender in my book 🙂 and sure does with god 🙂 Hugs 🙂
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Thank You for your kind words!
Sarah, thank you for the laugh today and for the reminder of a woman’s worth in God’s eyes. BTW, I have a similar story to yours. Several years ago, my family and I were at the lake and there was a younger couple there who were attractive. Like the woman in your story, this woman wore very little. Every time I looked her way (she was in my line of vision to keep an eye on my children), she seemed to be posing. I thought I was imaging things at first, but no, she was posing in every possible way: rubbing on the oil, shaking out her towel, flipping her hair, reaching into her cooler bent over on her knees, etc.. LOL, it really became funny and kind of sad at the same time!
Oops, I meant to type imagining not imaging!
Beaches are the worst! That’s a funny story, thanks for relating.
This was an awesome post, Sarah!! Thank you for sharing! I love it!
Whenever I read articles about women in blue gowns, in stirrups, having “general” exams etc., I know it must be an American or perhaps, a Canadian woman. I’m middle-aged and Australian, I’ve never had an annual examine-everything type exam.
It’s interesting when life insurance companies pushed for these sorts of exams to be introduced, thinking they’d save money by preventing disease, the early detection theory, the Americans introduced the exam. (and I assume the Canadians)
The UK did a ten year study first, one group having the exam and the other, no exams. The end result showed the exams were of no benefit, but led to unnecessary testing, biopsies, procedures, surgeries etc.
So the exam was never introduced in the UK, NZ, Australia and in much of Europe. It had already become established in the States and, in my opinion, your doctors enjoyed the profits that flowed from these consults and all the excess they generated.
The well woman exam is actually harmful and of no proven benefit. These are lots of articles now on the futility and risks with the routine pelvic exam. The routine rectal, recto-vaginal, breast and pelvic exam are not recommended in most countries, I’d never agree to them, but they’re not part of our healthcare anyway. The routine breast exam is of no proven benefit, but it leads to excess biopsies.
I’m also, very careful with cancer screening, the law says all screening is elective and requires our informed consent. I don’t have pap tests, HPV- women cannot benefit from pap tests, but can be harmed by false positives and over-treatment. The new Dutch program is the best in the world, in my opinion, for those who wish to screen, they’ll scrap population pap testing and offer instead 5 HPV primary tests or self-test with the Delphi Screener at ages 30,35,40,50 and 60 and ONLY the roughly 5% who are HPV+ will be offered a 5 yearly pap test. This will save more lives and takes most women out of pap testing and harms way. The vast industry in the over treatment of CIN makes a fortune for vested interests, complicating the subject makes billions for the medical profession, hospitals, pathology labs etc. The States use the pap and HPV test jointly on women over thirty, this provides no additional benefit to women, but results in the most over-investigation. The HPV primary test should always stand alone. So most women are having unnecessary pap tests, biopsies and being over-treated.
Mammograms, I declined when I was offered two yearly screening when I turned fifty. The best information is on the website of the Nordic Cochrane Institute, an independent, highly regarded, not for profit, medical research group. Over-diagnosis is a serious concern, about 50% of screen detected breast cancers are over-diagnosed, also, any benefit of screening is wiped away when you factor in those who die from heart attacks and lung cancer after treatments. Professor Michael Baum, UK breast cancer surgeon, has written some excellent articles on the subject.
I think screening is a personal decision, but women need to be very careful, I’d urge everyone to do their reading and make informed decisions and remember, we CAN say no.
So when I read articles about the well woman exam and the discomfort, embarrassment, stress and harm it causes, I can’t help but feel sorry for these women, it’s all so easily avoided. Evidence based healthcare and informed consent is the answer.
That’s really interesting, Elizabeth. Thank you.
Thank you Sarah. Is God enough? Are we enough for God? No surgery is going to help win that inner war!