Good friends ask the hard questions–especially when a friend’s about to get married!
I’ve been friends with Diane for seven years. She had divorced about five years before that through no choice of her own; her husband left her for another woman. Diane got a job, pulled herself up by her bootstraps, and supported her three kids. She also became very active in our church, working with the youth. She was a bundle of energy and on fire for God. I love her very much.
Then she met Peter. He wasn’t necessarily the kind of guy that we all pictured Diane with. But Diane loved him, and they became engaged.
People were wondering whether or not she was marrying the wrong person, and I decided that rather than talk about it, I would take Diane out to Dairy Queen and we would have a long talk before her wedding. I would ask her all the questions that were on my mind so that I’d be able to either support the marriage wholeheartedly, or give her a real warning.
I was reading a blog post recently from Love Truthfully about a woman who discovered her husband had had a porn addiction. When asked what she wishes people had told her before she was married, she replies:
People simply told us that we were “such a great couple” without offering any real wisdom on the journey we were about to embark on. I wish someone had not told us something specific, but that they had asked us the hard questions, that we had been forced to look deeply at ourselves and to really prepare for the journey. It would not have been a magical fix, but would have equipped us and offered more sure footing.
I think that’s so important–let’s ask the hard questions! And so today, on Top 10 Tuesday, I’d like to share 10 Things to Ask a Friend who is about to Get Married.
1. Does He Use Porn? Are you sure?
Porn use is so toxic to a marriage–and to a person’s soul. It eventually changes their personality as well, so the wonderful, loving man you think you’re marrying is no longer that loving, wonderful man. So ask: does he use porn? And then ask deeper: does he let you see his phone? Can you check the history on his computer? Is he open with you using his devices, or does he balk at that? There is no room for secrecy before you get married; you need to go in with your eyes wide open.
If this is a problem for you, I’ve written a post on Should You Marry Someone who Uses Porn that may help.
If he uses porn, or keeps his electronics secret, that’s a red flag.
2. What do you DO together for fun?
Many couples do very little together. Before marriage they watch movies or they make out. That’s not really a foundation for a marriage. Also, often before marriage we “date”. We go out to dinner, and we do “dating” things. But do you do day-to-day things? Have you cleaned the house together? Have you done a project together? Do you have a hobby you enjoy? Make sure that the couple actually has fun things that they enjoy doing, because once you’re married you can’t have sex all the time, and you can’t watch movies all the time. You need something that will build your experiences together.
If you have no hobbies together, that’s a red flag.
3. Can you PRAY together?
I know many people have difficulty praying out loud, and for some people prayer is such an intimate thing that praying together before you’re married can actually lead to a lot of sexual temptation (that may sound odd, but for many people it’s through spiritual intimacy that they feel the most drawn sexually, which is actually quite natural). But you should know that you can pray together. If the guy says he’s a Christian, and he goes to church, but he never wants to pray and you never see him reading the Bible, then you have to wonder if he’s truly a believer. Don’t marry someone thinking he’s one way and refusing to look at the facts on the table that perhaps he really isn’t like that.
If you’ve never heard him pray, that’s a red flag.
4. Do you know his financial situation?
You will be one in every way–including financially. Do you know what he owes? Do you know what he makes? Most importantly, do you know what he spends? Do you know what you make? Do you know what you spend? Have you shared this with him? I know one woman close to me who received a large inheritance from her father, and it was in an investment account. She didn’t tell her future husband about it until just days before the wedding, and I totally understand why. She didn’t the fact that she had a lot of money influencing the relationship. But in general, it’s a good idea to be completely financial open with the person you are marrying. I’d even suggest setting up a post-wedding budget NOW, before you’re married, so that you see what life will look like.
If he’s reluctant to tell you what he spends or makes, and especially if it’s because he doesn’t know, that’s a red flag.
5. How do you plan to serve together?
The Christian life is not just about attending church; it’s about being part of a community. How will you be a part of that community together? Will you volunteer in youth? In childcare? Will you be part of the outreach team at your church? Will you work on a university campus? Will you volunteer at a food bank?
If he can’t tell you any way that he’d like to serve, that’s a red flag.
6. Does his family accept you?
You’re not just marrying him; you’re marrying his whole family. Have you made an effort to get to know them? Has he made an effort to get to know yours? Sometimes you can’t have relationships with some family members because they are toxic, but have you talked about this so that you both are on the same page? How will you spend vacations? Just make sure that this has been discussed.
Not getting along with his family is not a red flag necessarily; but not discussing or coming to an agreement on what that relationship will look like once you’re married is.
7. How does he treat his mom?
One of the best rules of thumb I’ve ever seen is how a guy treats his mother. If he hugs her, calls her, and treats her with honour, he’ll likely do the same with his wife. If he lets her wait on him, he’ll do that with his wife, too.
If your fiance treats his mother poorly, that’s a huge red flag.
8. How clean does he keep his apartment/house?
If his place is always a pigsty, remember–his habits won’t miraculously change once you’re married. He’s likely very messy. If his house is neat as a pin, will that conflict with your cleaning standards?
If you haven’t talked about who will do housework, and what the house will look like, that’s a red flag.
9. Tell me something you’ve been unhappy with him about, and how that was resolved.
If you’ve never been unhappy with anything, that’s a red flag, because it likely means you’ve both had a mask on and you’re not being your authentic selves yet. You’re still in the dating phase, and you don’t really know what the person is like. On the other hand, if you have been unhappy about something, but you just chose to overlook it and not bring it up, then that doesn’t bode well, either. Before you get married, you should have resolved at least some issues. If you haven’t, then you’ve been shoving things under the rug, and that is a seriously dangerous way to live in a marriage.
If you’ve never had a conflict, even something minor, that’s a red flag. It may be time to prolong the engagement and get some serious counseling together. It could be that one, or both, of you isn’t being honest and is still hiding a lot of true feelings. This needs to come out before you get married.
10. How does he handle anger?
Have you seen him angry? What did he do? Are you confident that he is safe to be with, and that your future children will be safe with him?
Erupting in irrational anger, where others feel threatened, is a huge red flag. Many people have anger issues; talk with a counselor about these before the wedding.
There you go–ten questions to ask a friend who is about to get married, to help her think things through and see if she’s marrying the wrong person or not–or whether the marriage is a good idea or not. I don’t believe that there is one magical “right” person for anybody, but I definitely believe there can be a “wrong” person. So even if that friend has gone through marriage counseling with a pastor (and I hope she has), it’s still a good idea, as her friend, to ask these questions early.
And Diane? In that conversation I came to see Peter in a totally new light. She told me things about him we at the church had never seen. I understood her deep love for that man. And I supported her marriage wholeheartedly. But she was glad, too–she had never thought through all of my questions before, and even trying to answer them helped her articulate some things and helped her be even more sure about her decision. A mature person who is ready for marriage will welcome these questions. An immature person will not–and that, in turn, is a red flag.
Don’t let your friend enter into a marriage naively, before she’s ready, or to someone who isn’t godly or good. Don’t let her say five years down the road “I wish I had known that before we got married.” Ask the hard questions now. That’s what a real friend would do.
I haven’t even talked about the question “are you having sex”, because I hope we’d be asking that of each other, and keeping each other accountable, long before the engagement. But that’s an important one, too! I just didn’t put it in because I think that’s an ongoing question that we should all be asking our friends to keep them accountable, and not something that would only surface once they’re engaged. If you’re interested, here’s a post on why we should wait until marriage to have sex.
Now let me know in the comments–what questions would you add? Did anyone ask you the hard questions before you were married? What did you say?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila,
This is a smart post. I’m going to pass it along to my young adult children. Maybe they can use these questions by applying them to their own situations.
Blessings!
Lori
Great, Lori!
What a great list! I just had a friend get married a few months ago, and I wish I had had this list then. Her husband is a great guy, but he is very reserved, and I don’t know him very well. Once they got engaged, I so wanted to get her talking about him and why it would be a good idea to marry him, and found myself at a loss about how to do that. Thanks for posting this!
You’re so welcome! It sounds a lot like my Diane and Peter story. The truth was we all knew Diane so well; none of us knew Peter. And so it was easy to think that they weren’t a good match. It was so fun (and relieving) to hear her talk about him!
I love this post for Christians, but I have a non Christian friend about to get married (already living together). Any additional questions for a situation like that?
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You can still ask the questions that aren’t the spiritual ones. And I’d still ask something like, “what about him do you admire most? Tell me about his character qualities” or something. Just get to his heart.
My niece is getting married and I’ve had a heavy heart as to how to have a good discussion about marriage. Thank you for this!
You’re so welcome!
This is a great list – I had a friend ask the question: “What is his experience with porn?” Sadly, every man (Christian or not) is exposed to it and has some history. Knowing the truth and how that affects our togetherness has been important insight for me. A more general question may be to know their sexual history and what kind of expectations are held for married life.
So true! Pretty much everybody has been exposed. The question is: where did they go from there? And where are they now?
This is what I’ve been thinking about recently. If I were to give advice, I’d advise a girl to ask not just stopping at “Does he use porn?” but “What has been his experience with porn and how is he handling it?” If he says it’s never been a problem, that would actually be a red flag, don’t you think? I know it can be true, but based on statistics I’ve read, it’s not all that likely.
Yes, absolutely. I’d word it that way, too!
This very wise man that I know, whenever he is getting to know any of the guys who want to date his daughters, one of the first questions he asks is, “When was the last time you viewed porn?” After getting over the shock of the question, they will tell him. If they say anytime in the past 2 years, he shows them the door.
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That’s very smart!
Define porn. I get upset with just PG-13 movies that have hints of sex and sexual behavior and R-rated movies, which are loaded with sex. I hate it when my husband doesn’t turn away from those scenes. Usually he has his face in his i-phone but before he had iphone, he just watched like any other scene being shown.
I would also add:
Is Jesus Lord of his life? Many people believe in Jesus and say they are Christians, but Jesus is not Lord of their lives. Does he love God with all of his heart, mind, soul and strength?
Does he display the character of Christ? Is the gospel reflected throughout his life? The goal of marriage is to show the glory of God and display the gospel.
Does he point you to the cross? To Jesus? If he doesn’t now, he probably won’t after you’re married.
Is he ready to lead a family?
Those are some questions I’d add.
I love “does he display the character of Christ”? So good! I think I’d phrase it this way to a friend, “Tell me about a time when he really displayed Jesus’ character.” I think people would be quick to say “yes” to the first question, but if they had to think of an example, it would make them really mull over their interactions.
This is a great list for a great conversation. Having a like list for what to talk to a groom would also be nice.
Thanks Sheila for all you do for thousands of marriages.
Interesting–what different questions would you ask if you were asking a guy? Any thoughts, anybody?
I think something about children is missing from the list – do they want kids at all? How would they plan to raise them (mom home full time, dad home full time, day care while both pursue careers, some other option)?
It is such a huge thing in marriage, and important to be on the same page.
I dated a really nice guy in high school who didn’t want kids. I knew I wanted a family, and that was a major reason we split. He’s still a really nice man, and his wife is lovely, and they don’t have kids.
Before we married, we agreed “at least two and no more than 4, with one parent home full time as primary care giver.” Which has ended up as 4 children and me homeschooling them! The important part was agreeing on the “big picture” of how we saw it looking.
I know a lot of guys who assume their wife will want to be home full time, or assume she will also be earning, and are a bit surprised when she’s pregnant and they start talking about their assumptions.
First, Sheila, GREAT list. And a big AMEN for encouraging us women to take this kind of role with each other, rather than just rubber-stamping things.
And to Emily I would add:
YES! Talk about expectations for children.
I “cornered” my brother with a similar list when he got engaged (a VERY short engagement after a VERY short get-to-know-you phase.) He told me they weren’t going to have kids. Okay, fine, but even if you don’t plan kids, sometimes… surprise! He has that deer-in-the-headlights look that told me they’d never considered that possibility.
And what do you know, she got pregnant the week after the honeymoon. They were in no way mentally/emotionally/spiritually prepared for parenting.
I would definitely add parenting to the list!
Julie
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Great point, Emily! I had a point in there about “what do you think your life will look like in 5 years? in 10 years? What about kids?” but that would have made it 11. 🙂 But I think that’s so important, too!
Hello Sheila,
Just wanted to say this is wonderful post. Excellent questions for the wife to be.
@ A Happy Husband: While reading the list I thought the same thing. I recently just put together a blog geared at Christian married men. (Just Man-to-Man Scriptural based guy talk) So, after some scriptural research and surveying I will try to put together a similar list for fellas to ask prospective grooms before they make the jump into marriage.
Thanks for the inspiration
M.D Henderson recently posted…2 Little-Known Secrets From The Crucifixion of Jesus
Love this, Sheila! Thanks for taking the time to spell it all out!
You’re welcome!
Some of these I would ask, others probably not. I wouldn’t ask about porn first I would ask about praying together and his spiritual walk since I think that would dictate alot of his other behaviors. And how this question is answered is very telling.
Serving together is nice but not necessary – as a young person getting married we/I never gave this any thought. But the overriding theme for us, was if you’re a Christian, how do you display it? Do you pray together? Can you pray together? How do you treat others (including your mother). How do you handle finances? How do you handle disagreements?
Of course alot of this depends on my relationship with the bride to be.
Thought provoking.
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Oh, absolutely you can do them in a different order! I didn’t really think of them as a particular order, but yes, absolutely do the ones you think would most naturally come first given your relationship with your friend!
Love love this Sheila! I am passionate about helping marriages before they start and this is right along the things I ask bride to bes.
When my husband and I were courting, our mentors were so tough on us that at some point we were wondering if they were trying to keep us together or break us apart! But now that we are married, 6 yrs this Aug, we see the wisdom and benefit of what they did for us. It’s tough hearing these questions when you are in love and filled with butterflies..but you got to try! And not just try but really soak it in, learn and grow. This prepares you for real marriage and real relationship. Thanks for talking about this..super needed in our courting world today!
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Thanks, Ngina! Neat to hear that you appreciated the questions, too.
Wow, I didn’t ask my husband-to-be any of these questions before I married him (36 years ago). I guess I was naive or too trusting, but he’s the absolute greatest husband on earth 3+ decades later.
I suppose there is a place for these questions, but you need to be careful as to not sound judgmental to your “friend”. Good marriages take alot of work and patience; no one is perfect. There will be things you discover about your mate long after you’re married .. some good, some not so good, but remember this “there may be better fish in the sea, but there’s better bait too.”
As I read this very insightful list today, I too thought to myself, “I didn’t know the answers to any of these questions” before I married my husband. I hadn’t really seen him interact enough with his mom to even know the answer to that one for sure. Betty, I am glad that you won your game of roulette…literally, almost all of these topics are problems in my 30-year marriage today, which is barely hanging by a thread. So thankful to have this article to help as I guide my young adult children in their lives.
I don’t consider myself having won at roulette. My marriage of 36 years was never a gamble. It’s a success because we’ve worked hard to make it a success.
Oh, great questions! This reminded me of the class I’m teaching on Marriage and Family Counseling. Earlier in the semester we talked about if it’s proper to talk to someone who’s relationship we have concerns about, and if so, under what conditions. This would be a great followup to that discussion. Could you grant permission for me to reprint this in a hard copy format with your name/site/etc. on it?
Thank you!
Love that Susan’s post sparked such a great topic!
These are fantastic questions. I would highly recommend the workbook Preparing for Marriage as it walks couples through all of these topics. We used of for our pre-engagement and pre-marital counseling and it was very helpful! Oh yeah, and that’s another thing… pre-engagement counseling. Just do it! You’ll be so thankful you did.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0830746404?pc_redir=1398639936&robot_redir=1
What if the man is a porn user, but trying to quit? Would you have follow-up questions, or is it just a bad idea to marry them no matter what? I mean, do you have a way to follow up your questions, or is it just awkward after they say yes? (A lot of guys do use porn, and are trying to stop)
Great question, Julie, and I wrote about that at length here. My quick take is that they need to have an accountability partner; they need to have publicly repented and confessed (not in front of the church, but at least to a close friend or an elder or something), and they need to have been clean for some period of time–say a year? It really can mess with your sexuality so much, and I think that the guy needs to have some time to go through the healing process before he marries.
What does one do if a couple will not heed warnings or listen to sage advice from anyone? So many young people that have good romances will honestly evaluate their relationship and plan for the future with the help of others. Couples entangled in toxic, immature, ungodly relationships seem deaf to warnings from everyone.
So true! Then I guess there’s nothing we can do except pray. But it is really sad to watch.
Wow… you dove right in there with #1. But I think this is a great list. There can be underlying struggles here. It takes courage to ask these questions, and a true friend would do just what you did, instead of gossip concerns behind the friend’s back. I imagine this would be helpful with a daughter who is considering marriage as well… that that takes REAL courage!!
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I know the answer to most of these questions. Except, what is a good way to ask your boyfriend whether he uses porn?
Also I’m not that comfortable praying out loud. Specially in my non-native tongue (i.e english).
Pre-engagement counseling is a thing? Where would you go for that?
Hello,
Few days ago I saw this post and thought is was a nice post. Someone commented about a similar post for men. I also thought that was a cool idea. So I went and did some studying and put together a list for men. Here it is:
M.D Henderson
Christian Married Men Brotherhood
M.D Henderson recently posted…Sir, Are You Marrying The Wrong Person?
Interesting and valid questions to be asked about the future husband. But let us be careful to not portray the bride as spotless in attitude and character, while subjecting the future groom to an intense interrogation. Most of those questions can be asked of the future bride, too, in all fairness. Additional questions to ask about the bride:
Does she respect him and submit to his God-given leadership ?
Does she support him in any discussion with her parents ?
Will she fully leave her parents and cleave to him ?
Does she enjoy watching handsome men on The Bachelor and all forms of violence in films and TV shows (such as often shown on the Lifetime Movie Network) and shows mocking the worth of husbands ?
Is there any indication she will bring her pre-marital modesty into the marriage ?
Does she hold the topic of marital sexuality to be unpleasant to discuss ? Maybe a future sexual refuser in the making ?
Does she have close relatives who are divorced or having unstable marriages ?
Does she refuse to attend church events with him and refuse to read the Bible ?
Does she ever mention the divorces of other couples, and automatically put the husbands in an unfavorable light ?
You’re right that nobody’s perfect and the bride should/could also be held up for some bloke-to-bloke scrutiny like this, but honestly, I have some real concern over the additional questions you’ve posed here!
Firstly, until they are actually married, he doesn’t have ANY “God-given leadership” over her!! Until then, they are brothers and sisters in Christ, complete equals! In my understanding of it (by all means, correct me if I’m wrong), there is NEVER a time in the bible when men in general are held to have authority over women in general, not at all! Unless he is her church pastor and has that sort of authority over her the same as he does with the rest of the congregation (and if so, I’d maybe possibly perhaps advise that she seek her church home elsewhere, temporarily, so it doesn’t all get muddled whilst they’re still dating/engaged), then he doesn’t have any authority over her at all, before they’re married! This whole “men in general have authority over women in general” business is ENTIRELY culture based, and, in my opinion, one of the biggest injustices facing the world, which Christians should be standing up to fight (but that’s another story).
That being said, as a woman who is currently engaged, granted, it is important to know what he’ll be like exercising leadership after the wedding, so yes, maybe give him certain areas to have a dry run over, as it were, but make sure to keep your own head! Better conversations would be to come to a mutual understanding (remember, still equals at this point!) about what submission is going to look like, to see if he is worth being promoted to the responsibility of having to care for her above himself.
Also, the ‘leaving and cleaving’ business. The way you’ve phrased that makes it sound like… she has more of a responsibility to leave/should leave “more” than he does, whereas if anything, it’s the other way around! This is the first time in the bible that men and women are addressed differently (once they’re both on the scene, obviously), and it’s aimed at the man, NOT the woman. Having thought about this, I can infer two reasons for it: the first is in-laws. A lot of women are kind of a little bit… “in love”… with their sons, even if they wouldn’t phrase it that way. And even when the son grows up, she doesn’t really want to let him go, and wants to remain number 1 in his affections. (This often co-incides with marriages that started to drift apart once children came along, and then… kept drifting, although I think it is often present on a smaller scale in other families, too.) So, when that son is grown up and looking for a wife, or even, is married, the MIL’s actions can be really traumatic to the DIL, so it becomes imperative that her husband is actively looking to break that closer bond with his mother and to side with his wife. But, Dads wouldn’t be “in love” with their daughters in quite that same way; sure, they may be an initial obstacle to the daughter dating/getting engaged to the bloke, but once that’s settled, there aren’t really any problems between a man and his SIL (unless it’s purely individuals, rather than somewhat cultural). So, score one for groom needing to leave more “fully”. The other reason is the spouses relationships with their own parents. I can see that a man could always be in competition with his father, if they’re too close, but I can’t honestly see the same the other way around — a bride’s mother is much more likely to be collaborative, passing down knowledge, rather than competitive, no? Score two for the groom needing to leave more “fully”. Obviously, either way around, the marriage is just the two of them and neither should be running off to their parents with things that should stay between the two of them, but in terms of who has to do the “most” leaving, I’d say it’s definitely the groom!
I have a friend who got married some years back to a guy that NO one in her circle liked – for her. But no one said anything or responded honestly to her question of “Well, what do you think?” Not even her family. Now she’s contemplating divorce, wondering why none of us told her our concerns THEN. Truth is, we were right not to express our concerns and interject our opinions. First of all, she would have not received it well. Secondly, none of us were armed with the right approach.
Had at least ONE of us in her circle been armed with this list of questions – she (a) could have avoided making a bad decision and facing her current heartbreak or (b) at least gone into the marriage with a more balanced perspective and mitigated or responded differently/ more appropriately to the issues that popped up. Thank you for this
I am going to keep this list as there will be other opportunities to help a friend or even myself.
Tee, I’m so glad you found it useful! And that is exactly what I hoped the article would be used for. Yay!
Do you think this list is appropriate for a couple to use for dating? And not just for someone who is getting married?
Hi Jamie, that’s a great question! I think if a couple is getting serious it’s fine to talk about these things. I just wouldn’t if they’re still casual and getting to know each other, because you don’t want to give the impression that the relationship is more serious than it is. But once a couple is really moving forward, you should talk about these things, because if you can see the red flags before they get engaged, that’s all the better!
Hi Sheila,
I am a 21 year old Nigerian evangelical Christian lady who strives to be a better person. I love ur website and am a fan. However, I have been dating a man a year older than me who is Catholic. Our parents want us to get masters M.Sc before marriage. Also unemployment and the likes. ..Sometimes I wish I had all the answers
Number 9 made me laugh. It certainly did not apply to us. We never fought or anything while we dated for three years. It was long distance so maybe that made the difference. Our only option was writing letters and talking on the phone. So we talked about everything under the sun and basically did our own premarriage counseling by reading books together and talking about them. Also we chatted a lot before we dated so knew each other well. Our first year of marriage was bliss. 13 years later we are still very much in love and enjoy being a team against the world. I also didn’t meet his family before the engagement, but thankfully we all get along great.
Thanks so much, Sheila! I have read tons of your posts over the last few months and I love it! But this is the first one I comment on because it is right to the heart. I got engaged about 2 1/2 months ago and we are going to marry next year in June.
Except the “hobbies” question (we love to cook together, playing music (usually worhsip) or go for a walk/skate/bike ride, but nothing regular until now), all those questions are easily answered by me. Well, his mother died only three weeks into our relationship, but I see how he talks about her, treats his father and me – we have been a couple for nearly 5 1/2 years now, so I’m pretty optimistic he’ll stick to it. I do honestly think that he is just the man God prepared for me.
We talked about finances in-depth only after the engagement, but in general, we talk and talk tons of hours and he knows me better than anybody else – and the other way around. We are currently part of a 4-person leading team of our students’ missionary group and will continue to serve there. We pray together. We talked about our ideas for the future (and possible children). We are mutually “adopted” in each other’s families. The last thing that annoyed me was that he was planning a surprise trip for me as recovery of a stressful time in university and – to make sure I’d reserve the weekend – told me we would visit his relatives. We told each other calmly and in a non-offensive way what we thought, why that was not good and how it could be avoided. We cried and prayed together and asked each other for forgiveness. We have not had sex and willw wait till marriage. And about porn – we talked about that roughly one year into the relationship, it was no issue at that time and hasn’t been ever since.
The more I and we read on marriage preparation, the more am I convinced that God blesses us so much.
I guess, by now I have read all of your marriage preparation articles and wait for more to come, Sheila!
Shelia: I might include, “Do you know any of his friends? What are they like, and what do they do together, mainly? Many clues to a man are available from game-buddies, golfing partners, etc. They hang together for many reasons, but there are often clues. It is pretty important to know.
I have to make a comment on the “how he treats his mom is how he’ll treat you” thing. I didn’t know my husband very well when we got married (if only someone had asked me the hard questions you posted). He treated his mother great from what I could tell. But what I didn’t know, because I didn’t see him in a day to day situation, was that his mother would come FIRST for most of our marriage until she wasn’t able to be an active part of our lives. Having TOO close a tie to mommy is not a good thing.
Definitely agree, Lynn! That can be a big red flag.
Great list except number 5. While serving the church or the community at large is a fine and noble thing it should not be a deal breaker. Many marriage worthy men don’t serve, same with women. Some are shy and others serve God in ways that no one thinks of when they say “service”. Coming from the background of an abusive father and the terrible marriage-messy divorce that resulted service is so petty in the grand scheme of things. If serving is very important to you then yes it is a valid question but it is not a deal breaker.