Every Monday I like to tackle a Reader Question, and this week’s is a common one: “my husband has ED” (erectile dysfunction).
One reader writes:
Reader Question
Can you post about men with ED problems. My husband is 52 and I am 53. We have struggled in the area of sexual intimacy for most of our 27 yr marriage. I was always the one with low libido and my husband would react very negatively. I recently had my hormones checked and she gave me testosterone shots and it reversed our issues! He is struggling with ED. He is on blood pressure meds and thyroid pills. We are trying to talk thru the emotional aspects but it is very difficult.
I would say that’s the typical “face” of ED–a middle aged man, with some health problems, who suddenly finds that things aren’t working well. Yet increasingly it’s also younger men who have ED:
We’re in our twenties and we’ve been married for two years. My husband has never really been able to maintain an erection. Either it peters out before we really get started, or else he ejaculates too quickly. So now he’s almost given up trying, and he just plays video games until about 2 every morning. I want us to be intimate but I don’t know how to get around this.
This week I’d like to do a three-part series on erectile dysfunction and marriage, looking today at strategies to deal with impotence (ED), tomorrow at some of the “other” sexual problems we face, like premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation, and then on Wednesday at how to keep a great sex life even when these things start to plague your marriage.
I have to admit from the outset, though, that I feel awfully sorry for men. Let’s face it: lots of times we women make love when “we’re not really in the mood”, and it works fine. We don’t always orgasm, and it doesn’t matter. But for a guy, if things don’t work perfectly, everything is thrown off. No wonder it’s so scary! And when things start to go wrong, there’s often a vicious cycle that starts, where they get so worried that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and then these husbands stop wanting sex altogether.
So let’s look at the three main causes of ED–one cause for ED in young men, and two causes for ED in older men–and then see some DOs and DON’Ts for the different scenarios.
If this isn’t an issue in your marriage, please read on anyway! I have a special word further down for wives who haven’t experienced this yet–because I think the key word is YET, and we need to be prepared!
ED in Young Men
It used to be that the face of ED was Bob Dole in the Viagra commercial–an older man, who had been fine in his younger years, but now health problems and circulation problems had affected things.
Over the last decade, though, an epidemic of ED in young men has started. Here’s Dr. Oz–pretty much as mainstream as you can get–talking with a panel about how ED is now becoming a young man’s issue. And the reason? Porn.
A few weeks ago I wrote about the top 10 effects of porn, and one of the most common that they’re finding is that it causes sexual dysfunction, from ED to premature ejaculation to delayed ejaculation. It trains the brain to become aroused to an image, and not a person. And then when the image isn’t present, the person doesn’t provide enough stimulus. And so the arousal process doesn’t work.
This can be the case even if your husband is no longer using porn. For instance, I received this email:
My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. I was 22 and he was 23. He told me that he had used porn a lot as a teenager, but stopped when he was 20, and while he was still tempted, he really doesn’t look anymore. He and his best friend meet regularly to keep each other accountable & before we were married he gave me access to his computer and phone. But we had sex on our wedding night (it was really quick), and then once three days later, and now it’s been two months and he says he isn’t interested. Is this normal?
Yes, actually, it is normal–at least it’s normal for guys who have used porn a lot in their formative teenage years. Even if they’re not using porn anymore, often that arousal process is still messed up and needs to be retrained.
Porn is not the only cause of ED in young men–it could be that the two causes that I’ll list in a minute for older men apply better to your husband. But for most men under 40, porn is the root cause. So what do you?
1. Stop the porn
No ifs, ands, or buts. This will not get better if he is still using porn–it will only get worse. Project Know is a community of over 73,000 self-reported internet porn addicts who have made the decision to abstain from porn and masturbation, and they’ve produced some great research on their membership. 37% of these addicts reported experiencing erectile dysfunction, and only 27% reported having no sexual dysfunction at all–meaning that 73% of active porn users do report some sort of sexual dysfunction. The good news? Once you abstain for a few weeks, and your body and brain start to normalize, 60% report an improvement in sexual dysfunction–though they could still have problems, as our letter writer shows.
Nevertheless, it will not get better while the porn-and-masturbation cycle is still occurring.
These posts may prove helpful:
Top 10 Effects of Porn (show them to your husband if he’s skeptical)
4 Things You Must do if Your Husband Uses Porn
Are you a spouse or an enabler? (if your husband refuses to deal with his porn addiction)
2. Start the Recovery Process Focusing on Intimacy
Assuming the porn use is in the past, and your husband realizes that it was a major cause, you can now retrain the brain to become aroused by true intimacy, and not just anonymous images. Here’s a post on sexual recovery from a porn addiction, which includes some exercises on learning how to become vulnerable and truly naked with each other.
I’d also highly recommend my book 31 Days to Great Sex (which is only $4.99 in the ebook version), which can walk you through, step by step, how to build real intimacy. Taken together, the book helps couples understand the difference between real intimacy and just sex, and helps couples move step by step towards achieving that.
Feeling sexually disconnected?
Like you've lost your groove?
Like you're on two different planets when it comes to sex in your marriage?
31 Days to Great Sex can help you talk through what's gone wrong and try some new things to figure out how to make it RIGHT!
Some DONTs for Younger Men with ED
- Don’t recreate porn in your marriage, thinking this will solve it! The answer isn’t to be “hotter” than porn; it’s to retrain the brain to find real intimacy!
- Don’t berate him for it. See porn as the enemy, not your husband.
- Don’t rush things. It takes a while for recovery, and if you cling to each other, and give it time, you’ll come out stronger.
Some DOs in Marriages where Young Men have ED
- Do work on your friendship with your husband–the more you can laugh together, the more you can take on anything!
- Do work on creating more spiritual intimacy–like praying together or reading a chapter of the Bible before you go to bed. When you can become spiritually vulnerable with each other, this has a big impact on our intimacy, and often triggers a sexual response because of that intimacy.
- Do encourage your husband to talk to someone else. You can’t be his accountability partner. You have to be his wife. Let him go to someone else to grill him. Don’t let that person be you.
ED in Older Men
When we think of ED, we do tend to think of older men.
1. Dealing with the Physical Causes of Erectile Dysfunction
Here’s what I reported in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex:
According the the National Institute of Health, chronic erectile dysfunction affects 4% of men in their 50s, 17% of men in their 60s, and 47% of men over 75. Transient, or temporary, ED affects about 50% of men between 40 and 70. About 70% of chronic ED has physical roots, while the rest has emotional roots.
If your husband experiences ED once, don’t worry about it. It’s likely just temporary and it will pass. If it happens a few times, though, your husband needs to see a doctor. ED is often one of the first signs of circulatory issues, heart issues, and other health concerns. He may not like seeing a doctor, but think of ED as an early warning beacon. Don’t ignore it.
Sometimes ED can be caused by medication. If he’s on a number of medications and he starts experiencing ED, have the doctor or pharmacist take a look at all the drugs in combination and see if they’re all necessary, or if there may be a better combination that he could try.
ED can also be caused by obesity, smoking, or drinking too much alcohol. We may think we can “have a few drinks” to get us in the mood, but actually the opposite is far more common. Living a healthier lifestyle can often overcome many of the causes of ED.
UPDATE: I’ve had a number of readers write to me swearing by l-arginine, a compound that health food stores sell that apparently really helps. One man writes,
I didn’t want to take Viagra or Cialis because of the potential complications so I went to a health food store and bought some pills with L-arginine. I take one a day and now I’m fine.
I’m not a doctor, so I can’t give you any medical advice, but enough people have emailed me I just thought I should mention it. You can see arginine supplements here.
2. Dealing with Emotional Causes of Erectile Dysfunction
A physical root to ED can often morph into an emotional cause for ED. Because a guy’s virility is so tied up in how he performs sexually, when he suddenly isn’t able to, even if it’s for a legitimate physical reason, it can cause him to become so insecure that he’s afraid to try again. Or when he does try, the stress that he’ll fail causes him to fail.
Other men have an emotional root to ED to begin with. It could be sexual issues–perhaps sexual abuse in the past, or dealing with homosexual feelings, or some issues from the family of origin. Or more commonly it could simply be stress. He starts to feel like he’s not man enough at work or in another high pressure situation, and this comes into the bedroom.
If your husband has ED, he’s going to feel sexually nervous. Many men, after a handful of times dealing with ED, swear off sex altogether. I’ve even received letters from women saying that their husbands have moved into another bedroom. Sometimes these same men are then caught masturbating. The men want release, but they’re scared of what may happen to their ego if they attempt intercourse. Or they become almost asexual, deciding that it’s safer psychologically to shut down that part of them.
Some DOs If Your Husband Has ED:
- Do help your husband through stress he’s feeling–at work, with finances, with family. Help him talk through his feelings by being a sounding board. Do fun things with him.
- Do treat ED as a minor inconvenience–not the end of the world. Sometimes things don’t work; let’s watch a movie instead, or just kiss for a while.
- Do work on helping your husband stay healthy. Drink less alcohol, lose some weight, and quit smoking. These can help in the bedroom, too!
- Do talk to your husband before this happens.
I want to emphasize that last one:
Even if your husband has not experienced ED yet: chances are one day he will. If you talk about it beforehand, it can make it easier. Look: we women are going to go through menopause, and EVERYBODY knows that. It’s talked about and joked about. We’ll get moody, we’ll get hot flashes, and our libidos may disappear–for a time. Because we’re expecting it, it isn’t as big a deal. Maybe we need to talk about ED in the same way! Most men will likely experience at least intermittent ED. If you talk about it now, before it happens, and acknowledge it openly, you can decrease the emotional punch that it may bring. Say that you expect it one day, and when it happens you’ll get through it together and develop strategies once you need to. If it’s something you’ve talked about, then it isn’t coming out of the blue, and it isn’t likely that he’ll be as self-conscious about it.
Other Posts in our “Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love” Series:
Some DONTs If Your Husband Has ED:
- Don’t try to analyze this at the time. Let it go, and then talk about a few days later. Don’t push things in the bedroom, when it just happened.
- Don’t baby him. Treat it matter-of-factly: this is something most men go through at some point, and we’ll get to the bottom of it. I have confidence in that–and in you.
- Don’t Make This About You. Helen, from the The Unintimate Marriage, writes about her journey with a husband who has ED. And she has this advice for us: There is one temptation you will have through all of this: to make it about you. I’ve been there. You’re in the middle of a pretty hot and heavy make out session and you realize that it is causing very little reaction in him. All of a sudden you are off track too. You’re thinking, “Oh my goodness! He does think I’m fat!” or “I knew it, he does hate this haircut” top it off with a little, “Has he met someone else that he thinks is prettier than me?” Our insecurity comes on quickly, so I want you to really hear me when I tell you that this is not because of you! Don’t question how he feels about you at the time; treat it matter of factly, and move on to something else. You can talk about the root causes when it isn’t so emotional.
Where We’re Going From Here
Tomorrow we’re going to talk about how to handle two other areas of sexual dysfunction: premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation. On Wednesday, we’ll look at how to keep a sex life alive even if sexual dysfunction means that intercourse itself isn’t always lengthy, possible, or very enjoyable.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
While porn is a huge problem, don’t think that younger guys can’t have health and psychological issues. A guy who stays up until 2:00AM playing video games probably isn’t taking good care of himself and there may be a genuine physical issue, though this is rare.
Additionally, if a man is overly nervous or overly excited around sex, his blood pressure can spike, which makes maintaining an erection physically impossible. If he can get an erection, then he may struggle with premature ejaculation. This seems like it could be the problem with the younger couples you describe. Problems with ED and premature ejaculation only put more pressure on him. These men may masturbate or turn to porn because these are self-controlled fantasies and there is no pressure. It becomes a vicious cycle.
Over the last few years (I am 51), the “quality” level becomes really erratic. I don’t think I’ve ever had a case where I could not get aroused at all but I certainly get cases where my wife can feel something missing and/or I don’t last as long as she needs. We look at all the usual suspects (sleep, alcohol, emotional closeness, stress, etc.) but frankly it all can seem pretty random. We honestly don’t know why some encounters seem awesome and others are so much less satisfying.
How do people feel about the “Viagra” type products? If a fifty-something man is basically healthy but wants more “consistency”, is it advisable to experiment with these products? Are there downsides?
Roger, I’d definitely talk to your doctor about it and try it! I mean, we start needing reading glasses when we hit our 40s. Our bodies just change. If there’s something out there that can help, I think it’s worth a try. So just talk to your doctor.
Try the Encore pump. Very effective. No drugs and no prescription required. Under $200.00
Sheila..Thank you so much for this post. We’ve been going through this for some time and you’re spit on! From the feelings of insecurity in myself to the way it’s messed up his mind. We’re working through it and your series is much appreciated. I’ve already purchased The Good Girl’s Guide To Sex and we’ll be reading it together. God bless you.
So glad I can help! It’s a difficult thing to write about because it’s so different for each couple. I hope I can shed a little bit of insight on it, but I know that everyone walks through it a little differently.
I hope you know I meant SPOT on 🙂
My husband is 44, I’m 43. For done time now he has experienced ED. It’s so frustrating. I to use to blame myself. I tell him it’s his drinking and smoking. But he just doesn’t stop. We tired it before, where he stops and we saw the difference. He is able to “perform”. But he goes back to the same thing. I feel he doesn’t want to fix this issue.. But when it comes time to get busy in the bedroom I’m the one mad, upset and crying because nothing happens. I’ve tried helping him.. But he’s not putting his part. There was a time I wanted out of the marriage. I just feel it’s not fair to me.
Having spoke to quite a few couples on this and also researching on various christian blogs I would also like to list these things that can cause ED:
1) extreme stress & tiredness, but especially work and maritial stress at any age
2) extreme disrespect towards the husband, both sexual and non sexual. From refusal over a long period of time to not respecting a husband. Men’s preformance is not just tied to the physical, but the psychological and how they are treated will effect, to greatly effect, depending on the level of severity.
Point number 2 by Julie is relevant in more marriages than we care to admit. There really is an emotional and psychological component to male sexuality that is often either overlooked or trivialized in the US and Canada. Many husbands may withdraw emotionally and not really desire sexual intimacy if they are being disrespected by their wives.
I would also point out that on the physical side, a more natural diet can help in this area. Exercise and getting enough sleep each night can help to alleviate ED in some men. Vigorous exercise, such as regular training in the weight room, can help the body to make more of its own testosterone. Prescription medications (for other medical conditions) can make ED worse for some men. For the wife, whose husband is suffering from ED, try taking more time in foreplay. This can help some men to achieve and maintain erection. Keep the stimulation going as that can help.
My husband has ED and he seems to have accepted the situation completely and he is not worried at all. He is58 and l am 50. The problem started five years ago he is always watching porn. Hiss phone is full of pornographic videos and he is not ashamed regardless of his age
My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years (second marriage for both of us), he is 58 and I’m 49. Hubby has been on blood pressure meds for over 10 years and dealt with ED since that time. And needless to say, he does require the use of vitamin ‘V’. 😉
Since he had already been dealing with this issue before we got married it doesn’t seem like a big deal to him and I certainly don’t think any less of him for it, it’s just how it is. But I would say the one issue, at least for me, is having to schedule lovemaking which can be difficult during those times I’m wanting to connect sexually suddenly and he just isn’t ready. We usually just agree to wait until the next morning or later in the day, but for me that can get frustrating when I’m in the mood and suddenly have to just stifle that desire until a later time. Then suddenly he’s ready and I wake up sleepy and not feeling very sexy, kwim?
So, I guess to sound a little selfish here, I think it’s harder on me because I have a higher drive than him and we can’t just make love at the drop of a hat.
I sure hear you, Amy! You don’t sound selfish at all. Life is full of adjustments and compromises, and our society is used to thinking about guys compromising to have sex less often but don’t think about women doing the same. In fact, some men have argued that it might be more difficult for women because they haven’t been practicing controlling their needs since they were 14 years old! 😉 Hang in there dearie! Keep communicating with your husband. My heart hears you!
Thanks for the kind words, Kendra! This has certainly been an issue for me, not so much the ED, but how to gain a little more spontaneity if that’s even possible. And yes, communication is key in all aspects of marriage, but especially during a difficult time as this. 🙂
I am experiencing the same thing. I been married for one year now and my husband hid his ED problem from me..now I’m going crazy because he loves telling me to wait for later but later never comes.
Different blood pressure meds can have different effects. I believe beta blockers can cause ED. I was on Toprol, a beta blocker, for years ,and had periodic problems with ED. Then my doctor switched me to Lisinopril (an ACE inhibitor), and it’s been a LOT better!. I also had a brief period of ED when I was on Lipitor – not a known or listed side effect, and it may have been unrelated, but I changed my diet and got off Lipitor and that helped a lot.
Although it’s often a more difficult, long-term solution (no “quick fix” as in adjusting meds), you cannot understate the importance of diet, exercise and stress reduction. Since I’ve been eating better, exercising more, and consciously working at de-stressing my life, I have virtually no problems with ED. I’m 57, and very often get and maintain an erection as good as when I was in my 20s.
As far as the performance-anxiety/stress vicious cycle, my wife has been so wonderful when I would have some difficulty, and we now agree that at a minimum, we hold each other naked and just kiss and talk and enjoy being close, with no expectations or pressure. Sometimes that’s all that happens, and we’re both very happy with that, but more often than not, after 5-10 minutes, well, let’s just say there’s no ED around any more!
My husband and I have been dealing with this problem off and on for years now. For along time he was using Viagra and it worked great! Then about 3 years ago it stopped working. He went to the doctor to find out why and see if there was anything else he could try. That was when he was diagnosed with diabetes. We were able to get his blood sugar under control and things started working again. Not regularly, but we were able to have sex again. But that has not been the case for the last 15 months. We have tried everything!!! and nothing works. It has been a long emotional year for us. We are learning to find real intamacy with what we have and learning to surrender it to the Lord. I never thought that at 41 I would have to give up sex, but were praying through this and know that God is using this to teach us something. Thank you for this post, I have been one that has struggled with thoughts of “Is it me”? Thinking I was part of the problem. It’s nice to know that I am not the only woman out there who struggles through this with her husband
I am struggling also. Find it hard to accept that at 39, sex is such a difficult part of our marriage. It is hard to accept and deal with. More so for me then him.
I am 34, my husband is 41, we have been married for a little over a year, and my husbands Ed is ruining our marriage. This is the second marriage for both of us. While we were dating, there wasn’t much time for sex and now it is a disaster. Most nights I go to bed crying, there is so much tension. I just don’t know if we will make it.
I certainly agree that men, especially over 50 with high blood pressure, really need to make their doctors pay attention to their concerns about ED and meds. I live in Birmingham, Alabama, home to one of the top medical center complexes in America (UAB) but it is very, VERY hard to find a urologist or GP who will actually take ED concerns seriously. The drug companies seen to give them marching orders where BP meds are concerned. The latest/greatest most expensive non-generic is what they always prescribe, and the ones I have seen act like you are a complete idiot if you suggest they try something that won’t kill the moment in the bedroom.
Another word of caution for the wives of men with some ED issues – if hubby is like me, and the togetherness and intimacy of sexual oneness is way more important than ejaculation, don’t doubt hubby’s word when he tells you it’s ok. The act is just as pleasurable for me and while a “normal” conclusion is preferred, as long as we are together and loving one another during the act, a “misfire” or two is no biggie, and NO, it is not a reflection on sweet wifey’s physical attraction.
Will, that’s very encouraging. Thank you! I’m talking about the togetherness and intimacy on Wednesday, and I hope that many couples can move towards that view of it.
This is such a great post! We’re in our early/mid 30s, but we’ve talked about how we want to handle it if/when it happens. I like how you stressed handling it matter of factly, even if it feels really emotional at the time. I’m making a mental note! My dad had a long term affair while he was married to my mom, and deep down, I really struggle against the idea that all men do this (or want to). My husband is a wonderful man who is aware of the pitfalls and is very careful in his relationships with women at work, having appropriate boundaries, etc. But, it’s still hard for me – I know that’s my baggage, though. Hearing you say to handle it matter of factly may help me have an appropriate reaction if it even needs to be discussed.
My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years and have been dealing with ED the entire time (we are in our 20s).
We were both virgins and did not expect that we would be dealing with this issue, let alone for so long… We’re trying to get pregnant and ED is our biggest roadblock. We have tried all kinds of solutions: we have seen a counsellor, have seen our individual physicians, have tried Viagra, have read some great Christian books on sex and intimacy, and have spent a lot of time in prayer… But nothing seems to help.
Personally, I am so frustrated and depressed with our situation. It is not the kind of topic that I can go to my girlfriends for advice, and it is isolating. We both have a low libido as a result and don’t know what else to do.
Thank you so much for addressing this topic!
Sheila thanks for tackling this topic . However it is sort of frustrating to see the same information over and over. Not all men can take ED drugs nor can they take shots nor does the pump always work. It would be nice to have a frank discussion of what it means to be sexually intimate outside of intercourse. Dr. David Schnarch in one of his books wrote the following” what if you never can you have intersourse again” Does this mean you are not sexually intimate anymore-of course not. Also PLEASE beware of the fact that ED can be a forerunner of major heart health issues. So after living with this issue for the last 19 years and being in a sexless marriage for 4 out those ninteen years this is what my husband and I have done- talk and redefine what it means to be sexually intimate with each other, Mind you that we have married for 32 years- it was only after I addressed the white elephant in the room that things began to turn around. We play and we have fun-are we initimate again- yes -does intercourse enter in to things- not often and not successfully. Are we making it work-yes. So Ladies- go for the brass ring- talk to your husband about what you want outside of intercourse. Men- understand that intercourse does not define who you are and what it means to make love to your wife. MOST of ALL sex is meant be bonding and fun – so go have fun.
Don’t worry–that post is coming on Wednesday! I just couldn’t fit everything in one post, or the post would be too long!
I’m wondering what I’m supposed to do when 1. Money is tight and can’t afford the doctor (especially for a non life threatening condition). and 2. Hubby doesn’t really care that he can’t get an erection. He just shrugs it off as “Well, I tried, but it just isn’t working” and that’s good enough for him?? HE doesn’t think he has a problem, even though he knows it’s a problem. He had problems to start with, I’m assuming, because of high blood pressure, and even after getting on meds, he still has the problem. Doctor who gave him the blood pressure meds just says “Well, it shouldn’t be a problem”……and pushes us out the door :/ I’m barely 40, we’ve been through a lot of stress, the death of our oldest son to cancer 2 years ago, and we need this connection…..Despite the fact that our sex life has never been fantastic, I’m not ready to be in a sexless marriage.
Yes, CJ, that is really tough. Unfortunately, as I said in the post, if the communication isn’t there and you can’t both agree it’s an issue, then it’s so much more difficult to deal with it. I’d just recommend keep plodding through and trying to talk to him. I’m so, so sorry about your son, too. I’m sure that this has really contributed to everything. I pray that you’ll be able to cling to each other through this really awful pain.
We had/have this issue due to his blood pressure issues … he takes meds for that and of course one of the side effects id ED, so he has a prescription for Vitamin V (Viagra) our insurance does not cover it either … but we had the doctor prescribe 100 mg. and he cuts them in half and we save some money that way versus buying the 50 mg tabs at $20 a tab … very expensive and of course there is no generic yet as Pfizer is fighting to keep the patent in tact 🙁 He doesn’t need the med to much anymore as he has lost some weight and adjusted his eating habits and that has all helped in that department … but Shelia is spot on with not focusing on just intercourse … there is so much more to “sex” in marriage than just the pure physical “intercourse” … 🙂 Explore other avenues of pleasure that maybe you have never thought of … it’s quite exciting to think outside the “vagina” for a change!
One common cause of ED for folks I know, including us, is prostate cancer. It’s a devil’s choice. If you choose radiation, then there are few options if the cancer returns. If you choose the surgery, you can do radiation if the cancer comes back. But even with the new DaVinci surgery, ED is often a result. And if the man has the hormone therapy, all desire is gone. Thankfully my husband is cancer-free two years out. But ED is a struggle. We tried Viagara and its clones. Nope. We tried actually injecting the drug into his penis. (Ew) Nope. Now we are using the pump. It works, sort of. We are very limited on positions because his erection is not firm enough for my favorites. And it is big process. By the time he has finished getting ready, I have lost my mojo. Add to that we both have stressful, exhausting jobs and just don’t have the energy to go through the whole process. It is so frustrating. Still, at least I have my husband, so I try to focus on what we do have.
I’ve been up for a few hours searching for recent articles to give me to some indication on how to deal with this situation. I am 29. My husband of 9 years is 32. He has been diabetic for 8 of those years, along with a few other health issues and has struggled with ED now for a year. A year and a half ago he decided to take control of his health, resulting in a total lifestyle change, losing 50 pounds, lower medications, the works. everything improved but the ED. Recently he’s become very depressed about it and I’m just not sure what to do. He’s stopped working out which had been his stress relief and he’s totally unmotivated in just about every area/aspect of life. It’s really hard and I just don’t know what to do for him.
That “don’t” about don’t make it about you is wrong. It’s about both of you. It’s natural to have those thoughts, especially if it’s your first time dealing with ED. It’s all about the poor man who’s willy won’t work. Guess what? It’s also about you and how you feel rejected by this failure. As women we’re told to be sympathetic, to seek help, to do all these things that good wives do for our husbands. Yet it’s not just about him. It affects your relationship, it affects his manhood and willingness and your overall need for that intimate connection. So, yeah, it’s ok to make it about you too.
I am 31 y/o female my husband is 42 y/o when we were dating 5 years ago I noticed he had some issues maintaining an erection, but it was not every time when we were intimate. My husband is the most sweetest and companionate man I have ever known. Over the 5 years his ED has increasingly got worse so much that I gave him an ultimatum. The ultimatum was he needs to get to bottom of why the ED is happening and how to correct the ED or we will need to call it quits and put off our wedding plans. It is 2 years from the time I said this to him and now we are married, but the ED is worse. He has went to the MD; no low testosterone, no diabetes, no high blood pressure. He has started working out daily and loss weight; ED still present. Psychologically he is not affected by porn; he does not really like porn so that is not an issue. I have ask have he had any type of sexual trauma from his past; he has had none. I am and have been a very supportive wife to my husband concerning this issue. I am young and before my husband had a very healthy and active sex life that I miss and crave for again. Marriage is through sickness and through health, but I am not sure what else to do. I have recommended to him that maybe we need sex therapy, since he has stated that he was never really intimate when he was younger like other guys. I have even asked him did you have any feelings to males, which he stated “NO”! Maybe he lacks how to be intimate? Will sex therapy help him?
OMG it is like I wrote this. This sounds exatly like my situation. My fiancee is 38 and we have been experiencing this for about 3 years now. He’s healthy, been to the doc, had a bunch of blood work, tests normal, tried Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, nothing worked. He doesn’t watch porn, doesn’t really like it and was very sexually inexperienced when we got together. No childhood trauma, nothing. We can’t explain it. He loves me and is the most wonderful caring and compassionate man I ever met. I just don’t know what else to do. If you figure it out, please let me know. We were looking into sex therapy but it’s way too much money. I feel like we are out of options.
I would first have a complete blood work profile done to rule out any medical issues. Sometimes men could be using various soaps and lotions on their body that has chemicals in it. These chemicals could cause higher levels of estrogen. I would be sure to read the labels of what he is putting on his body because these items are absorbed into the body through the skin. Also may want to invest in a shower filter to filter the impurities out of the water. Water has chlorine and fluoride which could also cause problems. Check with your doctor before beginning any supplements. Is he on any medications? Have you tried L-Arginine (Sundown brand)? He would need 3,000 mg along with POM juice. Multivitamins, vitamins C, D, E, & B12 (methylcobalamin) with folic acid. Have his vitamin D levels checked. and especially need minerals. I use Bevko vitamins Bone & Mineral (4 capsules). Prayer should always be your first option. Hope this helps!!
Sheila
I’m very frustrated , I’m 25 & was s virgin at marriage , my husband is 10 years older & wasn’t virgin
I was shocked to find out he has Ed !
He is 100% dysfunctional , viagra has a 50% effect only
My needs are unmet greatly . But he’s a great man otherwise
I’m really frustrated .. I need advice
Sara
Did u find ur answer.? Plz let me know because I am newlywed and 7 months already passed my husband has ed issue. We barely intimate. I have tried to suppress my desire for intimacy because I have a higher libido but I feel frustrated and upset most times. Sometimes I feel to leave him because I want to be loved by someone but he is just too caring and asked me to give him some time what should I do. I think I am losing my self-confidence.
Great post Sheila with some very interesting comments. It definitely makes me feel more comfortable reading other peoples comments and experiences.
Another reason in certain younger men that is overlooked: PTSD for OIF and OEF veterans. The VA estimates 9-20% of them have ED, but very few will discuss it. Due to all the possible exposures over there, it is important to discuss it with a doctor to see if it is psychological, or a symptom of something else.
Thank you so much for this post. My husband and I are in our 30s but have dealt with ED since we were 1st married 10 years ago. In fact on our wedding night it was so much effort we decided to try later. We both were sexually inexperienced so I didnt know if this was normal or not. He is still in denial because he thinks only old men get this condition. Every blue moon it works great and it’s both the best thing and worst because I become so aware of what a great sex life we could have. I have tried to suppress my desire for intimacy because I have a higher libido but I feel frustrated and upset most times. I dont like to even be affectionate sometimes because its just more frustrating. He doesn’t drink or do porn but we both come from very conservative backgrounds. I wonder if this could be affecting his view of sex and causing him not to be able to fully indulge.
There is another “issue” that can happen to men, one until it came to our home I had never hear of. Peyronies Disease. We have learned how to deal with it, but it can be painful for the man when he climaxes.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/peyronies-disease/basics/definition/con-20028765
If you have questions please ask and I will answer with what we have experienced, but for the sake of my husband and families privacy I have chosen to use the name blank.
I have noticed that my husband has suffered from ED, when he rejected me to have intimate romance for a couple of times, so I asked him then. Yeah, at first he felt so insulted but I let him understand that he shouldn’t take it in a negative way since I am his wife. So, as a wife, I did my duty, I did research on how or what to take to regulate sexual functions, thankfully that there’s a certain herbal plant ashwagandha that is known in India that stimulates the libido, indeed it worked to my husband, to us. I hope, that it helps to all husband who has suffered the same thing.
Are there any support groups out there that can support couples with ED problems? My husband and I have been dealing with this problem for 12 years. I am 52 and he is 62, we have been married for 32 years.
Hi,
I too would love to know if there is a support group. I am desperately looking for support
I came to this site because I have just discovered that my son, married a year ago, has never been able to consummate his marriage due to ED. I am told his very weak erection lasts for seconds. His wife is still a virgin one year into the marriage. The house is always so quiet when I visit as they hardly talk to each other. His wife told me in confidence what the reason was. I’m going to ask her to read these information and comments. He is such a wonderful son, husband,brother and friend to everyone. My heart breaks for him and his young wife who kept herself for her wedding day.
That is so sad, Teary! I’m so sorry. But I’d really recommend that your son go to see a doctor, too, and perhaps a counsellor and get to the bottom of things. I know it’s embarrassing, but it’s better than never fixing the problem. How awful!
My husband had ED since the first night of our wedding and since I was 25 years old girl who is still virgin he lied to me and claimed that because my body was overweight then he couldn’t continue to get me to orgsem and I believed that based on the fact that he is a 13 years older than me and he is supposed to be an honest person and a servant in the church. So after 15 years I managed a good diet program and also had a tummy tuck surgery done and all the fat that he blamed on for his ED/premature Ejecultoion was gone so after all of I went through I came to him with very high self-esteem with the perfect body and asked him to stay with me a little more next time when we are making love and then he told me the truth that killed me… no I couldn’t because I have Premature Ejaculation and I couldn’t last more than that .I noticed that I have been deceived all these years believed what he deceived me claiming my body was too fat that made him tired quickly and couldn’t last with me for long ( my weight before the surgery 210 and my height was 5’2″ and his weight is 190 and his height is 6′ 2″) so it has nothing to do with weights or height.
I am in the process of getting a divorce and feeling somebody has stolen 15 years of my life with his selfishness .
couldn’t have any other explanation why he had done such a thing to me
I’m so, so sorry that you’ve been so hurt like this. Your husband deceived you; he was embarrassed for something about himself, blamed it on you, and then made you feel badly. And he finally got caught and had to confess!
But can I say something? I’m not quite sure how leaving him is going to fix the problem. There is so much hurt here. So much. Is adding to it really going to help? I know you’re angry, but studies repeatedly show that working through a marriage problem with the person you have is easier and much less work than getting a divorce and trying to find someone else!
It sounds like your husband is likely hurting, too, and really needs some healing. You both do. Is it possible that you could see a marriage counsellor and try to work on this together? Premature ejaculation can be treated. You can have a good sex life. And maybe seeking help together would be the happiest thing you could do right now for your marriage?
sheila, I really appreciate your reply to my problem but at this point I couldn’t trust this person over my body or my life again not to mention that he started violent action and curses and we did talk to religion counselling who been to so many cases like ours but the real problem right now is that my husband still lies about his case as per the religion counselling request my husband went to see a Urology and when he came back he said to me that the doctor told him that he is 100 % okay and nothing should be wrong with a man who has 2 kids…. I was like WHAT this is unrelated matters!! 2 minutes later a call from the pharmacy with a massage about the 3 medications that the doctor prescribed for him one was to delay the ejecultoion, the 2nd to keep the erection , and the 3rd was a kind of cream. (Oh God how great are those who depending on you)
So that person not honest, selfish and still a deceiver.
Not to mention that he cheated on my couple of years ago with his co-worker and I considered my family in the first place and I forgave him .
So I couldn’t take this perosn any more this is more than enough. So its not only the ED problem that it could be treated or not but its way more than I can bear.
I’ve been through a lot. Testosterone replacement, Alterntive meds, weight loss, etc. My T only got back up to a number that just barely got over the minimum recommended. The meds made me very, very sick. I think a lot of men have serious side effects from hormone replacement but the pharmacy industry squashes reports because this is a multi billion dollar business.
I’m moving into my 50’s.
I still don’t get erections hardly ever, I have not ad a sex drive really for 3 or years. I’ve tried. I was even hospitalized due to drug reactions in the hormone therapy.
Places like this just keep telling me to suck it up and do it and you’ll lie it. Don’t. With little to no testosterone I can’t. It can be repulsive. Whee are my rights as a person? God is going to judge me harshly because I don’t want to go back to the hospital because of bad drug reactions? God is going to judge me harshly because I’ve tried pleasing her but I just can’t anymore.
Without the hormones, a man doesn’t like the taste, smells, or even the actions. Sometimes I find myself think “you want me to put m what into what?!?!? You have got to be kidding! Who would eve want to do that?”
I’m a good man. I work multiple jobs to provide. I volunteer in the community. I go to all of my ids activities. I was on the council at church. I support my wife in every way. If the subject of sex did not ever come up life would be perfect.
After all of this, are you still going to tell me I’m wrong and bad?
I’ve had ed for about 10 yrs..I’ve tried everything! ! Testosterone. .penile shots..pump..u name it. They say my problem is that my blood doesn’t stay in my penis. .it flows back out. I’ve basically given up on ever having sex again. Tried everything advertised on fb…Ive tried just doing oral on my wife to get excited . I can’t even get any excitement worked up..There’s no romance anymore..little touching..like kissing. .nothing . HELP pls I’m only 62 !!!
My husband has EDand hasn’t touched my five years absolutely nothing no touching no affection nothing and it’s getting to the point where I just want to leave. He doesn’t want to have anything that he feels will lead to sex. I can’t go on like this. We’re not teenagers but we’re not over the hill either
Way back about two years ago when we used to get intimate about every six months I couldn’t get an erection because she would hardly even touch me. I had to take care of her needs and mine too. It was very frustrating. Now we just don’t even try anymore. If she is getting it somewhere else I wish she would just go ahead and go to him and set me free.
Sheila, I’ve dealt with this issue in my marriage for quite a while, and after eliminating the possibilities of porn, and testosterone, and stress, and sleep, I found an article from celeste and danielle that hit the nail on the head: Some men’s ED is because their wives are emotionally abusive, still their husband supplicate to them in order to gain access to sex, but the body’s agenda does not want to breed with such an abusive person, so the ED is a “functional response to a dysfunctional situation”.
When men feel it is better to dwell in the corner of the roof than inside the house with the wife, as in Proverbs 25:24, a husband is still totally stupid enough to think sex will still work and still want it. His body just has more sense.
😫😫😫😫my husband has diabetes (blood flow) AND nerve damage from a car accident. I promised to “forsake all others” & didn’t know at the time I forsake MYSELF😭
Meanwhile I think running 5+miles a day & beating myself up & furiously masturbating when he’s in the shower is going to (NOT) suffice for the rest. Of. Our. Lives…😫😭😫😭
I definitely understand where you are coming from. My husband has diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and is over weight. He had a heart attack in his late 30’s. I figured he would take meds and try to get healthier. Unfortunately, that’s not the case and he seems to not take meds
On a daily basis. The put him on pill to help with the E.D. problem. We tried only once and because it didn’t work he has completely given UP. It’s like he just doesn’t care and don’t want to even try. I am just STUCK with someone that don’t want to work together and try other things to correct the problem. So I really understand how you feel.
Oh; my opinion as to why us women stop trying?
1.we start and don’t “get finished”.
MANY sleepless nights rubbing my legs together like burning matchsticks crying & trying to mentally convince myself that it’s ok to never have sex again FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
2.it leads to resentment on both sides
3.did I already mention resentment???
Not worth the argument we suffer like typical martyrs😱
My husband is in his 60s and became impotent a couple of years ago due to health issues. Pills and pump don’t work. Doctor says he’d either need an implant or would have to inject himself in the penis when he wants an erection. We used to have a great sex life and my husband was always very affectionate. Now he is neither. I can live without the sex but I can’t live without the affection. He doesn’t touch, kiss or cuddle with me anymore. He sleeps in the Lazy Boy chair almost every night. He doesn’t want to talk about it; doesn’t want to go to counseling. I am very angry and very sad about the loss of affection. I feel betrayed – like he only used to be nice to me because he wanted sex. Not sure what to do.
Pat, I’m so sorry! I think your husband is likely just grieving. It’s not that he didn’t love you before or that he only did those things for sex. It’s likely that he’s just depressed and grieving.
I’d talk to the doctor about what you can do about that–maybe he needs some antidepressants? And then really just work on your friendship. Try to find a new hobby to do together or inject some fun in your life. You may need to take the reins and say, “we’re not spending our life in front of a screen. You’re not dead; don’t act like it!” But find something fun to do!
For me, its the result of constant refusal by my wife. In the beginning of our marriage my body would respond when I saw her(she would dress in a way that was teasing), but after constant physical readiness with no outlet, my body finally stopped responding to the stimulus.
I’m in my mid 30’s.
No, I don’t pursue any porn or the like.
Oh, Mark, I’m so sorry. Have you sought counselling for this? Both individual and as a couple?
I have seen counceling, the councler told me that it was in my head and that I should get over it. The wife sees it as “not her problem”.
That seriously is a problem, Mark. Could you find a different counsellor? Or really seek out a good support system at church? Some counsellors aren’t trained well. It’s good to ask questions–do you take sexual refusal seriously? Do you work with individuals and hold them accountable? Do you teach people how to set clear boundaries? These things are all important, and often counsellors are mostly focused on improving communication and making sure a divorce doesn’t happen, which isn’t always helpful.
My husband is 12 years older than me, in his early 50s. When we met, I had no idea he had Ed, and had never experienced it before. It was 3 months before he initiated any type of sexual contact. When the time came and he couldn’t get an erection, it was like a kick in the teeth. It had been an extremely long time since he had had sex, and he said he thought he might have it but wasn’t sure. How do you not know this? I felt liked to and decieved. I realize that it’s not something a guy wants to talk about on the first few dates, but when it comes time for sex, it should be brought up. I wouldn’t have felt so crazy about it and would have read on it to see what I could do to help. He has diabetes and high blood pressure. He was overweight and had really low t. He lost a lot of weight, got his t up, came off two meds. Things were working a lot better. His doctor checked his hormones levels and his testosterone was off the charts high. He had to quit taking it and the doctor gave him Cialis. It doesn’t work, neither does Viagra. The low t center had given him something else that worked a lot better off and on, but his doctor wasn’t comfortable with it. So, here we are again. He puts himself through mental torment Everytime it doesn’t work. Says he’s a failure and such. I’ve tried to tell him it’s not a failure, we’ll get through it. We’re still working on it. It’s a daily battle. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I started dating him, I wasn’t given a choice by being told the truth. I married him knowing it, but it wasn’t a good foundation to start on. Guys, be honest with your lady. Give her a chance to be a pertner in it. Be careful with low t center, they’re there just to make money. While it might help, they let my husband get dangerously high levels that also hurt things. Just be honest with each other. I hear let him vent and support him, guys, let her vent and support her. It effects her just as much as it does you.
I feel for you Tired. I’m going through the same thing.
My husband has always been seemingly normally interested and accommodating sexually. Married many years. 1in6.org explains the frequency of childhood sexual abuse of men and boys. oh so long deep dark secret my husband was sexually abused by his mother. Later in life he realized it was incest and got help. Many several long term outside covert relationships later .we are now in groups with so many others so effected not uncommon. Time to change a woman’s attitude toward her man!! Elephant in the room.
Thank you very much for this post. I am not sure whether or not my husband has ED. I have gained a LOT of weight since we’ve gotten married and I often feel that he isn’t attracted to me anymore. I know he loves God and me and is a very faithful husband, but he hasn’t initiated sex in years. (Btw, he is 71 and I am 52) and we’ve been married for over 10 years. For 5 years, at least, we’ve only had intercourse if I initiated it, which is why I felt like it had to do with my weight. I have tried over and over to lose, but due to hormonal issues I have, whatever I lose doesn’t stay off. Now, we aren’t having it at all no matter how many advances I make. It has been over a year since we’ve made love. Whenever I try, he gently moves away from me. He does take blood pressure medication but is otherwise fairly healthy. In reading the other posts, I should mention that he has never been into porn, strip clubs, or anything of the sort. When we were dating, we used to have phone sex so those are the only times that I am aware of where he “took matters into his own hands”.
We go out on dates once or twice a week, we pray and worship together, serve in church together, laugh all the time, travel together, do fun activities, cuddle and we love to hold each other. We tell each other “I love you” several times a day and we kiss a few times a day also (not the passionate kisses we used to do though). We talk all the time about everything except this subject. I can say he is truly my best friend. I do feel that we have intimacy and I am so very grateful for that, but my sexual desire is about to burst! Admittedly, there are times when I pleasure myself, but then I feel this tremendous sense of guilt afterwards because I feel like I am sinning. But I am extremely sexually frustrated so I don’t know what else to do. Any advice? Thank you in advance!
Hi there,
That is so tough! But can I ask, have you talked to him about it? It’s very hard to solve these things if you haven’t actually had a conversation about it. The fact that he does move away from you if you initiate is strange, and it could be linked to ED. But I think you really need to have a conversation. Yes, it will be awkward, but if you say something like, “I love you, and I know that God wants us to have an awesome marriage and to feel so intimate. But I feel like we’re missing out on a big part of our marriage, and I don’t want to miss out on something amazing that God made for us. I’m willing to hear anything hard that you have to say. I just want to find our way back. Can we do that?”
That kind of a conversation may be a good first step!
Thank you for your article. After reading it, I realize that my husband had ED. I too have made it about me so many times. We finally had a discussion about it and my heart ached for me and how inadequate he felt. I found your article as I was searching for something to help me understand what he was going through and what I could do to find a “new normal”. I was afraid I would only be directed to seedy ads or articles. Reading your article makes me feel better that I’m not alone or some sex-starved woman! My husband is an amazing man and its frustrating when the heart is willing but the body is weak. Please suggest any reading material that would further understanding and coping with ED. Thanks again!
Wow! We have been going through this problem for about 3 months. This has helped me to see that it really isn’t about me or about how he feels about me or our marriage. We have always been very attentive toward each other so this sudden on set of ED completely rocked my world. He realized (probably from research) that his new, low dose, blood pressure medication could be the problem. He told me that and I basically blew it off. I feel very guilty and selfish since doing the research myself. This will be very difficult to deal with because I am so use to his physical attention. I will need to work hard to help him through this and to let him know it isn’t his fault. His health and psychological well being are much more important. That being said, I will need to pray for understand and wisdom so I can make it through this challenge with him. Thank you all for the information. I completely see this issue from a different perspective. This is very helpful. Your honesty and candor will make a difference in our marriage.
My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years. We got married 5 months ago. He is 41 and I am 37. When we first got together we had amazing sex…all the time. Over the years because of work, kids and being tired the frequency slowed down some but it was still amazing. About 7 months ago he started traveling a lot with work. Traveling so much that I can say he’s been gone more than home since we got married. I’ve noticed that more and more he is having difficulty keeping his erection and getting aroused. I he has watched porn while he’s been gone some. I felt hurt upon finding that out and over reacted…when he immediately said he wouldn’t watch it anymore. He shared with me this weekend that his job is very stressful when he’s away and he is feeling insecure about not being able to take care of me in that way. He has not been to the doctor yet but repeatedly said just being with me makes him happy…like hes already given up on sex. We just got married. Given the distance we often experience I don’t know what to do to help him through this. I am looking for words of wisdom as I want to help him through this.
Hi April–it sounds like his erectile dysfunction is DEFINITELY caused by porn. It’s very common to turn to porn when you’re stressed, and it sounds like that’s what he’s doing, and it’s just making his life horrible. I’d get him to read this article about what porn does to you, and then have an honest talk about how he needs to choose. And if he can’t handle life on the road, then maybe he needs a different job. But it’s time for him to decide what’s really important.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so lonely! A lot of women have come out on the other side, because husbands have recognized the evil of what they’re doing. I pray your husband will, too.
I know this is an old article but wanted to comment. It seems that for women, they seem to think intimacy without sex is the solution to ed. The other fix for women is that you can teach your partner how to stimulate you to orgasm without intercourse. This does nothing to relieve the sexual energy of the man. I have read several articles by women explaining that a man can reach orgasm without an erection. The problem is that women have no idea how hard it is to reach an orgasm without an erection. It is very difficult to stimulate a flaccid penis with a hand or mouth to the point of orgasm. You just cannot slide up and down a flaccid penis with the correct amount of pressure. I know this for a fact since I have a penis. If lucky, I might get to experience an orgasm once for every 15 tries. Those other 14 tries are extremely frustrating. Maybe this will let women know they should be getting advice from a man that actually has ed.
As a man with ED, one thing that REALLY irritates me is the idea that ED should be no big thing. Do something else and enjoy that. It isn’t that simple.
And when the female partner indicates that she’s just fine with not having PIV sex, is it such a stretch to think that maybe she wasn’t ever enjoying sex? I know with my partner that she was almost gleeful when I told her I was having issues. It took all of my effort to not do something I’d regret later.
Forget about talking sex here. I’ve tried to do this all through my 45-year marriage. “You’re supposed to know” was all I ever got as a response, unless there was anger involved that I dared to indicate that something wasn’t to my liking. Hoe DARE I have wants and desires.
I ended up not ever talking with her about sex, and she’s more than fine with that. As long as I hand over the paycheck and not expect anything of any kind in return she’s happy. I’m not. I’d leave, but I’m not prepared to be homeless.
It is a big thing but I have found we can adjust to it. We still have sex but not PIV.
I’m not sure if anyone still reads this specific blogs comments, but I’ve been struggling with this. I’m only 23 and my husband is 30. We’ve been married for a year and a half. When We first met I thought he was just being a gentleman by not initiating sex too quickly. After we got married I learned he had ed. We’ve been able to have sex but the last time we tried led to a situation neither of us want to remember. We were trying and when I became too pushy by grabbing his hand, he yelled and I ended up crying. We haven’t even tried for over half a year.
When he went to a specialist to test out injections (only in the office) they worked twice but not a third time. They told him it is most likely psychological which tore him up.
We’ve also seen a sex therapist, but still no initiation on his part. We don’t even talk about it at home.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I love him so much, but I don’t want to resign my sex life before my life has even started.
Also, going off the comment above…I forgot to mention: i found him talking to women early into our marriage and using porn. All the while telling me he was not and just had no sexual desires.
Obviously that was not true and now I have access to his phone, but some days I just don’t know. He would sleep on the couch due to not being able to be touched while sleeping. I want to believe he doesn’t do anything out there (the private tab on his phone is locked by me and I am allowed to check and do check his history). I just don’t know
I have had ED for quite a while. My wife has accepted it now having tried Viagra etc. which she doesn’t want me to use. There are plenty of other things to do. It’s not as if my sexual urges have gone as it is all in the mind. She climaxes every time with manual and we do other things which I won’t mention on here as they are private. There isn’t a problem now as we have adjusted. There are plenty of sexual triggers for imaginative people and the older you get the less you need sex but when you do have it the freedom and quality of it is different but still enjoyable and intimate.