Today we’re concluding a 3-part series on sexual dysfunction in marriage, and today we’re going to wrap it up by talking about ED in marriage–and how to keep your sex life alive.
We talked on Monday about the different causes of ED (erectile dysfunction), and how to deal with them. And yesterday we tackled premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation. We looked at how porn was often, though not always, the underlying cause of ED and other problems.
But what about when porn isn’t the problem? What about when it is a physical issue, and it doesn’t look like there’s an end in sight?
Here’s an email I received from one woman, for instance:
Reader Question
ED has been an ongoing health issue for my husband for years. It happened gradually, but now we never have sex. Of course that has left a huge void in our marriage. But we’ve been together 29 years, so it’s not a deal breaker either. He’s seen a doctor who found an enlarged prostate, and he takes meds for that. The other stuff to enhance erections are not covered by our insurance, and we can’t afford the out of pocket expenses. He’s also very sensitive to some meds and does not like the long string of side effects that can happen from those.
So how has that affected our relationship? “There is other intimacy you can have,” you say? Well, when a man loses his ability to perform sex, he also gradually loses his other intimacy practices. i.e., playful touch, hugging, flirting — basically anything that might lead to sex. It’s disappointing to us both — we talk about it rarely — it’s hurtful. I get resentful sometimes that he won’t knock down the doors of every medical institution to “get it fixed,” like I imagine he should want to. But the truth is, that even with couples who still have a healthy sex life, it takes work, and sometimes planning to make that time happen. It’s easier to skip because you are too tired or whatever so you get content not having sex. Same thing for us, only it’s because it’s too hurtful to try and disappoint. I feel like we’ve settled.
Am I happy with the sexless part? Not at all. Do I Iove my husband? Dearly!
I still have hope that one day God will restore this part of our marriage. But I’ve accepted that He might not as well.
What do you do when ED, or other sexual dysfunction, is a physical problem, but you don’t want the sexual side of your relationship to end? You do want to feel intimate. You do want to feel pleasure. You want to be able to laugh again without this BIG THING between you–this feeling like you’re distant, and you’re settling, and things will never be totally good again.
I want to give just a few thoughts today, and hope that others who have gone through something similar will chime in, too. I’m not going to talk about how to cure ED today, since I talked about that on Monday. I want to just talk about how to revive your sex life even if things still aren’t working like clockwork.
Acknowledge that He is Grieving about His ED
If your husband can no longer have intercourse, chances are he’s really grieving. A huge part of his life–what many would say is the most important part–seems gone. Let him air these feelings without having to fix them. Now is not the time to say, “but we can still do X…” Just let him vent. And hold him. And tell him, “I will always love you, and we will get through this, and we will find our way.”
But let him grieve.
You Need to Be Able to Communicate About the Sexual Dysfunction and what it Means
That being said, you can’t stay in the grieving process. You have to move on, and you have to find your way through towards a new kind of intimacy.
Now, you aren’t going to be able to do anything if you can’t first talk about the issue. So the question isn’t really “how can we save our sex life if he has ED”, but rather, “how can we keep talking about our sex life if he has ED, and not ignore the elephant in the room?”
Here’s some general guidelines for keeping these lines of communication open. And these suggestions build on each other–as in do #1 before #3.
1. Laugh everyday. Do things together OUTSIDE the bedroom and work on your friendship.
2. Find other hobbies to do together so that you still feel like a unit.
3. When you talk about wanting a sex life, stress that you want intimacy, not intercourse. Stress that you do not think he is a failure or that you want him to be different; the issue is simply that you don’t want to lose what you still can have. Your life is simply different, but your relationship can still grow.
For more ideas you can see my post here about how to talk to your husband if he has no libido, since the issues are actually quite similar.
See Sex as More Than Intercourse
Sex is about being intimate together. It’s about becoming one flesh. It’s about sharing something with one person that you don’t share with anybody else. It’s about becoming open and vulnerable together.
And you can do all of those things without intercourse.
Obviously intercourse is the culmination of this, and when health problems aren’t a factor, I would never recommend giving up intercourse. But if intercourse just doesn’t work, that doesn’t mean that you have to stop being sexual beings.
Sex can be about being naked together; sex can be about doing full body massages with massage oil, switching places. Sex can be about taking baths together and talking about your dreams for the future. Sex can be about deep kisses.
Talk to him about how you still want these things in your life. Our letter writer wrote that when ED hits, it’s not just sex that she loses. It’s kissing and touching and affection, and it doesn’t have to be this way. Let him know that you still want to touch him. Again, acknowledge his grief, and tell him you’re grieving, too. But you’ve lost intercourse. You’re not willing to lose everything else, too.
Do What You Can Despite the ED
Some men have intermittent ED, where it works sometimes and it doesn’t work others. Or perhaps he suffers from premature ejaculation where he doesn’t like to have to sex often because he’s afraid he won’t perform well. Agree that you will do what you can–meaning you’ll have intercourse when it works, and when it doesn’t, that’s okay. But it’s not a PASS/FAIL system. Don’t think of each sexual encounter being about orgasm; think about it being about pleasure. See how much pleasure you can give each other, whether or not you come to orgasm.
In fact, start talking about it that way. Instead of, “can we make love tonight?”, or “can we have sex tonight?”, let’s say, “can we feel good together tonight?”
If he honestly can never reach an orgasm, he may be reluctant to do anything sexual. But you can ask him to help you feel good anyway, and see if you can help him feel pleasure when he can. And remember–you can still massage and kiss and feel close. If an encounter doesn’t go the way you had hoped it would, don’t get upset, just go with the flow. It’s really okay. Yes, you’re missing something you once enjoyed, but you still have your husband. You can be sexual without intercourse. Be grateful for what you do have, and think positive things, instead of casting a negative pall over the marriage.
Schedule Your Sexual Times
The default when sexual dysfunction like ED hits your marriage is to cut way back on sex. He doesn’t even want to try. And then when you initiate sex, he may turn you down. You feel rejected, and he feels like a failure, and you don’t want to keep bringing up those feelings, so you stop initiating. Yet every night, there’s that unspoken question, “should we try anything?” Even if nothing is said, it’s there, between you. And you feel it every time you roll over and turn your back to him as you go to sleep.
One way around this that works well for some couples is to schedule sex. It isn’t necessarily the time that you have intercourse; it’s the time that you spend together naked, massaging, feeling whatever pleasure you can, kissing, and just dreaming and talking together in bed.
I firmly suggest, as forcefully as I can, that shortly after the diagnosis of some sort of sexual dysfunction (with a physical cause), that you agree that at least once a week you will have a “sexual night”. Make it regular, like every Tuesday or every Saturday, and don’t change it except in extreme circumstances. That way you both know what to expect, you don’t feel rejected and nervous and on edge all the other nights of the week (because you do know what’s coming), and he can start anticipating things so that he can also get in the right frame of mind.
Now, this isn’t going to work if you can’t talk about things, which is why it’s so important to work first on communicating. I realize that many people will say, “my husband just won’t do this”, because he feels so much like a failure he’d rather shut down completely than be reminded of what he’s missing. But that’s not a good solution, and couples would be better off if they saw this. So I’d keep at it–keep praying, keep talking to your husband, keep laughing, and keep communicating, stressing intimacy and pleasure, not intercourse. Don’t give up. See a counselor if you have to. But intimacy is still possible, and is so important in your marriage. Don’t write it off just because sex doesn’t work like it once did.
I’d love to know: how is this working in your marriage? How have you find talking to your husband about this? Have you found ways around it? Let me know in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thanks so much for addressing this issue… Hubby and I are also on this road…Funny how we didn’t realize, what we lost until we lost it.. We both deeply grieve for what was lost… But also know we are better people now than before… I am certain that it has to do with his weight and he can gain back what was lost.. but even if he doesn’t the healthy life we have adopted is better for us both…. Our intimacy is HIGHER then ever…With each other and with God.. 🙂
That’s really beautiful. Thank you.
As we age, the arteries and veins in the penis narrow and accumulate penile plaque which leads to erectile dysfunction and atrophy. I have found that exercising the penis with jelqing rings helps introduce new, nutrient rich blood leading to a much healthier penis. I used a product called Magnum Rings however there are several brands available online..
There is a simple fix for all this anguish. Get a penile vacuum xevice. Put the tension ring/size on it, put it on the pens and vacuum out the air. This created a rock hard erection. Of course us lube on pens and device as needed for smooth operation. Have normal intercourse up to 30 minutes. No problem. Even if firemen kick down your bedroom door you won’t lose that erection. Whe not you witness your wife walking funny with a goofy grin on her face you will know you are back in the game
I am having a hard time with my husbands ed. Sometimes we can have intercourse but most of the time he is not fully erect but he can ejaculate 99% of the time but Im always left unsatisfied. He can ejaculate if his penis go 1/4 of an inch inside me. He always wants to try but it make me so sad because his ed affects me more than him.
We are beginning to have issues as well. I would like to incorporate some toys to help finish the job and satisfy my urge. I’m not sure he’s into that idea so much as it was hard enough to get him to the store with me for a penis ring. What are you doing to overcome the issues? Is there an online support group?
Hello,
Wondering if any wives have husband’s who were left with permanent ED after surgery and chemotherapy treatment. Also if it is taboo to even discuss the situation without the reaction of extreme anger and being accused of being a sex maniac. Having said that along with the sad outcome of surgery permanent dysfunction there is permanent no intimacy at all and I mean cuddles, kissing comforting when out if sorts. 20 years it’s been. It’s not so much the sex but the intimacy. I don’t think I should feel guilty for wanting a intimate relationship, but after all this time I think I would be too embarrassed to try. I am not even allowed to see him naked so I reciprocate to avoid embarrassment on both sides. I wanted a joined intimate relationship, not a married flatmate that just shares a bed. It’s too weird. No one would believe me I don’t think.
Yes – I am SO GLAD to know that I am NOT alone! I am dealing with the same sort of reactions from my husband in our marriage. He has permanent ED as a result of multiple health issues and various medications and he does NOT want to talk about it. I am seen as a sex crazed woman because I can’t just “get over it”. He is 42 and we have not had intercourse in 12 years. And every OTHER form of intimacy has ceased as well – I don’t even get a kiss goodbye or hello or goodnight. It has effected every aspect of our relationship, as I (too) feel like he is merely a roommate. He shows almost no compassion to the pain it causes me emotionally and mentally. He greived this loss the first 5 years we were seeking a solution, and I was compassionate to his grieving the entire time and I was the one who held out hope. Finally, about 3 years ago (9 years into it) after we had exhausted all medication, devices and even penile injections I realized that it was never going to change and I began grieving the loss myself. He has been callous and cold toward me in the process and it has caused me to grow bitter and resentful toward him. I have asked him multiple times to go to counseling with me about this so we can salvage what is left of our marriage but he consistently refuses. I am heartbroken and although I have gone to counseling alone for the last 2 years concerning this, I don’t have any hope of change due to his closed off heart. 🙁
My husband had prostate cancer and was left impotent. He always said it was not sex but making love because we were so connected. He went on 2 get a penile implant that was a failure. I have grieved for 3 years. He used to be so romantic, playful and fun. Now he just sits in front of the TV emotionaless. I try to talk about it and he gets angry. I am tired and depressed. He has changed so much. Some days I feel like I don’t recognize him. I am tired of living in an emotionally void relationship. We have tried counseling with no help. How can such a wonderful relationship turn into nothing. I’m lost.
Dana, I’m so sorry. It sounds like he is really grieving and has retreated into himself. I would just say–fight for him! Fight for your marriage. Don’t let him just sit there. Say, “Your life is not over, no matter what you may think, and we are not going to live like this.” And then fight. Plan hobbies to do together. Plan outings. And tell him that you’re going. Show him that he’s still fun to be with. I know this is tough, but you need to start tough, too. You don’t want to lose everything that you built together.
Thank you for this article. We are young but my husband has low testosterone. I’ve felt very discouraged but found your article encouraging.
I’m sorry, Annie! I know that it is a hard road. I’d just encourage you to seek out medical help for it, because I know so many marriages that have totally turned around with the right treatment.
If I may ask, what were the symptoms that led you to suspect low testosterone? I’m concerned my husband may have this. Thanks.
Something to be aware of is potential health risks of getting testosterone shots or testosterone replacement therapy. I recently heard that some men have had adverse side effects from getting testosterone this way. (No doubt, there are articles about this on the Internet.) Perhaps a healthier and safer way to address low levels for the husband is to look into adding certain herbs, fruits, etc. to the diet that help the body to make more of its own testosterone (such as high quality ginseng tea). I have heard that vigorous exercise 2 or 3 times a week can help the body to make more of this hormone. Going to the gym or the weight room can help in that regard. (When younger and regularly pumping the iron, I did not have low levels of testosterone.)
Here’s what I’ve learned, in three years of marriage to an older man who suffers from ED.
1. Amen to the planned – especially if the ED is made worse by certain medications. If we plan ahead, my husband can plan a relaxed day where he takes fewer painkillers or other ED-worsening meds that day. If he relaxes, the Viagra works better.
2. Oral. Just sayin’. He can usually have an orgasm even if he can’t get a full-blown erection. Makes him happy. Makes me happy to make him happy (he makes me happy too, though that doesn’t take much!).
Thanks for that, Liz! I’m glad to hear that the planned does work. That’s what I assumed and what I heard from some others, but glad to hear it’s a good idea!
Liz- I have floated this proposal on my blog and am glad to see there are women who realize that oral and manual sex may be more needed as men age and lose sensitivity. In his “Guide to Surviving Prostate Cancer Guide”, Dr. Patrick Walsh explains that by age 60, the average male has throughout his body has only 60 percent of the nerves he was born with. You can well imagine how this would effect his sexual organs. Without meaning to disappoint those women who feel PIV sex is the ultimate experience, when men age the mouth and hands may be far more effective than the smooth, less griping vagina for stimulating the less sensitive penis. I always fear it sounds suspiciously self-serving and is seen as an attack on women who do not want to engage in oral sex with their husband, but it is a suggestion based in reality for the aging male. Bless you for realizing it and having the courage to put it in print here.
Yes, oral sex can be used successfully during foreplay to help the older husband to achieve and maintain an erection. Then, at the proper time, the couple can switch to intercourse. The oral sex does not have to be performed to “completion”. Does this help in all cases of ED? No. But, it can and does help some couples. Oral sex ought not be shunned simply because it is shown in porn. (PIV is also shown in porn.) It can be a beautiful practice for the loving couple.
From personal experience ED does not affect sexual desire or enjoyment of sex for the man. Other things replace IC pretty easily in my experience. The loser may be the wife although my wife seems to naturally adjust and understands. I know she likes me laying on her and can orgasm this way. Whilst I make the most of manual sex for her etc. I love her doing other things to me which has opened up far more than it would have done if I didn’t have so called ED. (Don’t like labels). I often wake up with an erection as good as it ever was but that isn’t sexual in itself. It is a mystery really.
I was pleased to see you supporting there is more to sex than just intercourse. With aging partners, this can become the order of the day and adjusting to that reality is necessary to pursuing a fulfilled sexual experience.
After a heart attack I ended up with ED. Fortunately I do not need any nitro medication and my cardiologist prescribed pills which work very well. All we have lost is spontaneity. Love making has to be planned ahead. When my wonderful wife suggests I take a pill I need no second bidding! The only downside is the financial cost, but it is still less than a dinner out and much more fun.
In 2012, Pfizer’s patent on Viagra was supposed to end making generic Viagra available. Pfizer found a small change to make in the pill to allow them to extend the patent. It’ a shame they let extreme profit affect the quality of life for couples where ED is a problem. The use of a PDE5 inhibitor is not always effective and not at all for some men. ED is not only about increasing circulation. The blood has to stay put and not leak out and that requires a different approach than an increase in nitric oxide.
The sad thing is, let’s say 1000 men buy a pill at $20 a dose. That’s $20,000. But let’s say only 1 in 10 men can afford that. What if you drop the pill to $5 a dose and 8 in 10 men can afford it. 8000 men at $5 a dose is $40,000. You just made you product available to 8 times as many men and doubled your gross which never would have happened at the higher price. I don’t know how that affects their margin, but with increased volume could they find a margin they can be happy with and increase their share at the same time. And a lot of ED patients benefit.
Even at $10 a dose a lot more men could afford it and their market share would increase. Seems doable to me.
We have had to deal with this issue because my husband was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer at the age of 50. We opted for surgery, complete removal of the prostate and cancer. He is now 7 years cancer free! We learned a great deal about how a mans body works. Erection, ejaculation and orgasm are all separate. A man can have an orgasm with out an erection, he can have an orgasm with no ejaculate. We didn’t believe it when the doctor told us, but since we have found out it is true. Much trial and error, doctor visits and trials of different ED pills, medical devices made to make and maintain an erection have given us fodder to argue, laugh and find fun and pleasure. It wasn’t easy, I didn’t like having to let my husband know an hour or so before I was ready to go to bed. This led to some stand offs, frustrations and deeper communications. The pills are too expensive to “waste” and for a while I just wanted to quit trying to figure things out. Neither of us was happy with that but we have a strong marriage with many other shared hobbies and life experiences. Feeling desperate a few months ago I decided to search out some answers to figuring out what we could do to get the spice back. That is when I found Sheila’s blog and bought her book. Wow, did I have some past ways of thinking that needed to change. Her book walked me through it. It also helped me understand my husband even better. We have put into practice so many of the things I learned from her book. We are now even closer and communicating on a much deeper level. I said all that to give hope to others that are working through this issue. Intimacy can come back and be there, even if intercourse is not always possible. Sheila’s advice is right on and doable.
My husband is now cancer-free for two years. We use the pump, but I find it not as satisfying. And I struggle with low libido. Sometimes we just have to laugh. I found Sheila’s series on 28 days to great sex to be extremely helpful. Thankfully my husband has been fairly game to try things and truly enjoys making me happy. A really good vibrator is nice too. In a weird way, my lack of libido has helped us to deal with this current challenge to sex. We had sort of got used to not having it! I wish we could have more sex and I wish we could do my preferred positions (his erections aren’t firm enough for anything except side to side.), I’m pretty blessed we caught the cancer early enough before it had spread…unlike several other men I know who are fighting for their lives.
My husband and I have been struggling with ED for years. For the last 15 months he hasn’t been able to get an erection at all and it’s really been hard on both of us. We have tried everything but nothing works. We even stopped trying for awhile because we were both so tired of the disappointment. Then God spoke gently to my heart and helped me to realize that intimacy was still important in our marriage. Even if we couldn’t have intercourse, we could still have intimacy. We now have our time together every Saturday, and though at times we still struggle with feelings of disappointment, we have learned how to have a wonderful time just being together. I get more enjoyment out of helping him feel good than when he helps me. Thank you for this post. Every suggestion is what we are doing for each other now and it helps to know we are not alone that there are many others going through this very thing.
I like the idea of intimacy however I do need an orgasim. My husband will not touch me ,hold me and only smack kiss me. I need to feel loved. He had a heart attack and now has a stintvand has to use a nitrate patch daily. I have tried to explain to him there are other things he can do to me in order for me to have an orgasim.He refuses to do any of these things for fear of disappointment for both of us.I can give him an orgasim with a limp penise, but I need satisfation. I even suggestedthat I get another partner only for sex and he could even select. He threatens to leave. I love my husband but why should I be punished?
For me the most difficult part of my hubby’s ED (although he does use vit. V) is the lack of spontaneity, especially as the higher drive spouse. Sometimes I’m really in the mood and he’s just not able to right then. I never ask for him to just pleasure me in the moment because of feeling selfish about it and he never offers. I know he prefers to be intimate when both of us are able to. But often when we wait it’s usually the following morning when he’s ready and then it’s me trying to wake up, get in the mood again, all the while he lays there ready for a quickie. So whether I can climax or not, it’s me then waiting for him to be ready again and usually it’s not until days later, and he never offers to get me there later that day, we just wait until he’s able to go again. And it’s a struggle for me to know when to ask or even want to try initiating when I’m usually turned down and after so long of that it is easy to begin wondering what’s wrong with me.
It can be a hard road to walk down and I’m trying to find peace and contentment in what we have. I’m 49 and he’s 58, and my hubby is the love of my life and my best friend, but honestly, I wonder what will happen in the upcoming years regarding our intimate relationship. I don’t want to just settle for very little intimacy, but I guess as Sheila said in her post, intimacy is not just about sex.
I’m trying to learn not to be selfish in thinking I want more out of our intimacy and pray that I can come to a place where I don’t get upset when things don’t turn out as I as hoped.
I wanted to weep as I read your comment. It is my story as well. I am so sorry. I am praying for you both.
Thank you, Jen. I just keep praying and keeping loving through it all. And I’m determined to try and be more open with my hubby about my needs too.
Have you talked to him about how you feel? I know this was a struggle for me also. I always had that higher libido, so I know what it’s like to get turned down all the time. It feels like he’s rejecting you. But things wont change even a little if he doesn’t know how you feel. Maybe you can ask him if once in awhile he would be willing when you’re ready and he’s not.
We’ve had plenty of talks about how I crave more frequency in our love making, but I have never been able to ask for him to help me out on those times he isn’t ready. But I guess it’s no different than the advice given to women on taking care of their man’s needs when they themselves aren’t in the mood or maybe unable to have intercourse, kwim?
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to ask him. I think I’m afraid he will think I’m only interested in the physical release, but honestly when it only happens barely a handful of times monthly I do crave it.
Anyway, it’s something I’m praying about. Thanks for the comment. 🙂
Oh, Amy darlin’. Where have you been. I miss your blogging. I don’t remember if we have talked about specifically this or not, though I do remember discussing vitamin V.
“I’m trying to learn not to be selfish in thinking I want more out of our intimacy…”
DO NOT FEEL SELFISH in requesting him to pleasure you. DON’T! I know you well enough to know you would not be offended if he asked the same of you. In effect, he is asking and you are already accommodating him by waiting for him to be ready. I don’t want to beat him up because I know you think the world of him, especially after #1. I will ease the pain somewhat by comparing him to a child you have borne. You can love that child dearly and forgive them a multitude of transgressions, but at some point you have to insist they become responsible for their actions, especially those that affect others. Admitting I don’t know the whole story. I am still going to tell you, you have to lay down the law. I’m not saying to disrespect him or his authority, but it seems he needs to be called out for his own selfish in-actions. If he refuses to do oral, he can to manual. If he is inept and hurtful with his hands, request he assist you with operating a vibrator. Helping you achieve orgasm is an act of intimacy the two of you can share. It is also very possible that, like some women, once he gets involved, he may find the time spent satisfying and fulfilling.
“I’m afraid he will think I’m only interested in the physical release…when it only happens barely a handful of times monthly I do crave it.” And he should have a problem with this? Has he EVER masturbated in his entire life for release? Duh. You are interested in release, crave it more than a handful of times a month. Own that. Let him know how you feel not having regular orgasm; how it affects you mood and sleep pattern and how you are afraid you will become resentful of his lack of consideration.
Yeah, this is tough stuff to share with a mate. But what if not discussing it meant an unfulfilled intimate life?
” I wonder what will happen in the upcoming years regarding our intimate relationship. I don’t want to just settle for very little intimacy.” You know that is where you are headed if you do nothing. He is a grownup and needs to respond to you like one. If the old sex is not working, HE needs to quit living in the past with his hopes pegged on vitamin V and start living in the sexual present. He will likely mourn the old rock-hard, long-standing erections of the past. I certainly get that, but if he continues to live in denial and refuses to change, it will take the heart right out of your marriage. Not because sex will be missing, but because you will resent his lack of effort to keep intimacy alive between the two of you.
“…it is easy to begin wondering what’s wrong with me.” Darlin’, there’s noting wrong with you. You enjoy sex…a lot. You apparently need regular sexual release to keep you mood level. Not to sound too clinical, there are a lot of hormones that accompany arousal, sex, and orgasm. I don’t want to sound flippant or denigrating, but, in my opinion, you are a “junkie” for the chemical hits that come with sex. A junkie in the same sense that an overweight person is a junkie for the emotional and physical high that comes with certain food chemistries. You aren’t an addict, but like a diabetic, you need to keep your blood and brain dosed up to feel and be healthy. I hope I haven’t painted too negative and offensive a picture with that analogy. You know I think better of you than to make you sound dependent.
I suggest this book if I haven’t already: “Sexual Intelligence” by Marty Klein. I can be found in the library most likely.I would have done an Amazon link, but I respect that Shelia’s may not want to appear to endorse this book with a cover photo and link back to Amazon. The hardcover is going for a bargain of $9+change right now. He is Jewish but does not write from a particularly religious perspective if you get my drift. You won’t find him quoting much scripture. I do think everyone, particularly those aging or burdened with physical issues need to consider his concept of redefining what sex is and how we do it when we are presented with perturbing changes.
Time for tough love, Amy. Prayer is not to be overlooked, but God also expects us to use the wisdom gained from prayer and do something with it.
Hey Dan, thanks for the reply and encouraging words.
When I wrote the comment above I admit it was out of frustration and sadness, so therefore I think some of it came out sounding like my hubby is a selfish lover and does not care about taking time to pleasure me. And that is not the case at all or at least not intentionally. Some of what I would perceive as selfishness is simply him not always knowing my desires because I’m not very good at verbally expressing them.
My hubby is more than willing to pleasure me through oral and/or use of a vibrator during lovemaking, and we just discovered the usefulness of a bullet for me during intercourse too which has been great for us. 😉 So, the problem isn’t so much that hubby won’t do those things, it is me needing to ask him to do those things for just me when he isn’t in the mood or physically able to have sex. And that’s where I almost feel weird about it and/or selfish. But you are right, I wouldn’t hesitate to meet his needs if he asked.
And yes, orgasm is a real mood boost for me and helps me sleep and it does for most everyone I would suspect. I would say I definitely need my ‘fix’ pretty often. 🙂 When it’s been 6 days without I’m becoming grumpy and very discontent. BTW, when we were first together we had much more frequent sex so I have been able to see just how much the infrequency affects me emotionally and physically.
I believe that the main reason hubby does not take the initiative to just pleasure me alone is that he really wants to be a part of it too, kwim? And for him, PIV is the ultimate experience, he has told me this when I’ve offered other things.
I think we are also dealing with a decrease in his libido on top of the other issue. As he has told me, his desire for me has not diminished it’s just getting his mind and body to align at the same time that is difficult. His mind wants to, but his body does not always cooperate. And sometimes his body is cooperating, but his mind is having a hard time getting in the game, kwim?
Anyway, I could write a whole lot more, but since I do have a life outside the computer I should get out there and enjoy it! LOL And today is a great day considering I got some much needed sleep last night, if you get my drift. 😉
As far as where I’ve been, just walking through my mid-life crisis trying to make out where the road ahead of me is leading. I have so many things I start to write about and then the words just don’t make it onto my blog. I’m still ‘here’ just looking for contentment and peace in this very moment. I’ll be back real soon. 😉
I have ED. I wish my wife would be selfish and tell me what switches her on. That would also be an opportunity for me to say for me also. I think talking about it to our spouses is good. My wife is pretty silent as to her sexual desires within the boundaries of our marriage. She has said she likes me kissing her neck but surely there must be more than that?
My husband has suffered with ED for 6 years he is 50 and I’m 47 our sex life was non existing but hat all changed this year when I started talk to him and made him talk to me about how we felt I tell him what I like and what I want him to do to me the only thing he won’t do is give me oral sex as he doesn’t like doing it but I give him a lot of oral and will masterbate him out sex life is amazing now better than when we were a lot younger as he would never talk about sex with me we have been together for 29 years and our marriage is still very strong
This is exactly how I feel. It’s been two years that I’ve really noticed a change in my husbands sexual appetite towards me. He was diagnosed 6 years ago with Spinal Stenosis which he takes a nerve pain medication for. This is the culprit as far as everything I’ve read. It’s only recently he’s opened up to me about the inability to get an erection at all. I’m trying so hard to be supportive for him. I’ve put my foot down and practically begged him to see his physician to be checked. Maybe it’s something simple like a change in medications or decrease dose that still works for his pain but allows his body to preform properly…idk but I’m young so is he 44yrs and 46yrs. I miss him we’re more roommates the last two years. It’s not even about the sex. He’s fine me using a vibrator for my needs but that’s not the point. I miss his touch his kisses. He kisses me like he’s kiss his mom or the kids. I get out of bed in the morning and feel empty and emotional from rejection he doesn’t realize he’s even giving. I’m feeling lost and I live in a small town talking about this to anyone would probably just end up back to my husband who thinks this is just how it’s going to be.
I could cry over these comments. This is my story. We know the cause of my husband’s ED but in some ways that makes it worse. Other than the medical issue and the resultant consequences, he is a wonderful, thoughtful, generous man. As someone above said, I am the “higher drive” spouse. I love that man but his denial of the extent of his medical problem is hurtful. I would hope he would want more for us. While this sounds selfish, it’s not. I want him healthy. I want a long life with him and I want intimacy with him long into life. I may not get either. So while I read what we can do to make it easier for them, I wish, just for once, that someone would be honest and say this absolutely stinks. It hurts to be denied intimacy, and later a touch or a kiss… because it may lead to sex, and no physical touch like massage…because it might lead to sex, no date nights…because it might lead to sex. Trust me to know what is going through your mind…you are scared. And I am terrified that you will later decide to leave because you think that would be better on the long run. I have told him all of this. And that makes him feel bad. And we continue in this awful spiral of hurt, pain, tears, and discouragement. I am alone in this pit because I dare not tell my close friends and embarrass my husband. And that only leaves me more lonely so we don’t go “there.” He won’t go to therapy even though I’ve told him it is affecting our marriage. So please, quit telling me to think of him. I do everyday. I put him first so no one will no know and he can live in his denial. And I pray that one day he will see it as his responsibility to get help and be healthy for himself and for his marriage and for his family. And I cry myself to sleep almost nightly. Long after he is blissfully asleep.
Jenny, my heart goes to you, I felt really touched by your message. There is just one thing i can tell you : you can go for therapy/counseling alone. Of course, if both of you consider it a marriage issue, it is better you both go together, but since he seems to “disagree” on that point, you can still go by yourself, get the help you need to feel better, and to walk through this. I am very sure it will eventually help your husband do his own part of the work.
Praying for you…
I know how you feel Jenny. I am angry at my husband. He brought this on himself. He ate chips, cookies, and candy until he weighed 400 lbs. Yes, he has been a great dad, provider, protector, and friend, but not being able to have intercourse since somewhere around 2005 is often an unbearable truth. I have a rare medical condition that restricts my diet. I can’t have sugar, many artificial sweeteners, garlic, onion, tomatoes, wheat, and other foods. I get no pleasure from food and my husband can’t keep an erection. I look for help and the answer is support him? Support the man who refuses to get healthy? That is not help.
Frustrated but in love with my husband of 30 years.
Although I never got fat, I keep pretty fit, my cholestrol was up so I cut out chocolate, cheese and marg and other stuff. It brought the cholestrol down and the ED is better but not how it was. I think just getting older will affect things. I still have high drive so we still do things and fortunately my wife will orgasm just by me laying on top of her after good foreplay of course. She doesn’t want me to take viagra or other pills as she doesn’t think that would be healthy. I think I agree with her judging by the way I feel afterwards sometimes.
OH MY GOSH! this is so me… I don’t have anyone I can talk to currently because I just don’t feel like I can trust anyone enough. I am going to start seeing a therapist in 2 weeks about something unrelated but hopefully talk about this as well. I’m 48 and he’s 50. Viagra is not working for him. Luckily he is going to see another dr. to get further testing on what is going on. I’m left feeling oversexed and slutty for how often I would have sex and am at the point I don’t even want to make that attempt for how bad our last few times have gone. I do my best to keep my true feelings hidden so not to make him feel worse. And he knows if he lost weight a lot of the issues would lessen, maybe just 10 lbs. (I’ve recently lost 20 and feel better about my self than ever before so that’s also been hard for him). Since he won’t make an effort, for me, I feel like I”m just at a loss on the whole intimacy. We have fairly young kids so when we are up in our rooms, we are working on computers in bed. We could go 3 hours with not a word or a touch. Its like if sex isn’t involved he forgets to reach out. I’ve talked about this to him before, more than once, but he doesn’t remember… I get a nightly kiss and one before work and some days, that’s it. Its really frustrating. and now, with the ED, I’m really at my wits end. I found this website when doing a search on how to help my husband. I’m just delving into it.
We deal with PE and ED. Do I love my husband? Absolutely! Is our sex life good? For him. No matter what we try, all the focus ends up on him and his needs. If things work well, he’s done immediately and I’m left unsatisfied while he sleeps like the dead. When things don’t work well, everything stops while the focus shifts to getting him ready which doesn’t let me enjoy anything. Sex has two results: he gets to feel relaxed and sleep soundly while I spend at least an hour, usually two trying to get to sleep no matter how exhausted I am. (I may slap the next person who tells me sex helps you sleep!) There is frustration for both of us, but far more for me. He knows it’s not good for me and that bothers him, but nothing we’ve tried has worked. I’m glad you’re talking about these issues, because for us, these things began in our 30s.
I don’t know if I am like your husband but I have partial ED. I would do a lot if my wife said what she wanted but it is hard to get her to talk about it. Maybe the solution to the problem is for you to talk about it? It is easy to satisfy me but I am always wondering if she is satisfied too. Sometimes I wish she could graduate away from intercourse and adapt to other things. That is a big tension for me having partial ED. She doesn’t want me to take Viagra and stuff.
This is us! My husband’s testosterone levels are in the low single digits. He has had shots, uses daily gel treatments, but it doesn’t help with the ED issues. He won’t use anything to enhance our experience, whether it is the little blue pill or “toys”. When we do have sex, it’s up to me to get him ready, I do the work, then he’s done and asleep. It’s exhausting, disappointing, and frustrating. We’re in our 40’s and I do stay in shape just for him, hoping that he’ll desire me.
I’ve never has a tosterone check. I do wake up with a hard on often. Come time for sex though and there is not much hardness around for some reason. I suppose I’ve got used to other things.
My husband is unable to physically have sex (ever again – the “miracle meds” don’t work for him, probably due to physical damage secondary to surgery) and we need to focus on other forms of intimacy. Are we always joyful? No. Can we grieve and then move on to new forms of intimacy? Yes! But I found it still hurt when the thinking seems to be that there is something that will “fix it”, for example, oral or manual stimulation, implants, injections, etc. When the nerves are destroyed, nothing will help to gain an erection. Fortunately we have a WONDERFUL Christian gynecologist who is supportive and open to our venting. Do we talk to others about our situation? Rarely, because we have found that others want to “fix it” and bring up all the “old” options that did not work, thereby causing a renewed sense of hurt and failure (if it works for others….). I have an awesome hubby and nothing can take away my love for him. It is not contingent upon the function of a specific part of his body. Just sayin’
May I suggest as an alternative to scheduled sex once or twice a week, to schedule it EVERY NIGHT! For well over a year now, my wife and I get naked every night before bed. Neither of us has any expectations, but at a minimum, we hold each other and cuddle and kiss and talk, and if something happens beyond that, great, if not, great. Probably 70-80% of the time we wind up having really good sex, despite the fact that often one or both of us go into it really thinking we’re not up for it. Oh, and we do the same thing pretty much every morning, too. If you love your spouse, and enjoy being naked and touching and talking,then just do it – you may surprise yourself!
I was so thankful to read this article. I am 43 yrs old and married for the first time in October of 2013, I married a young 62 year old. Starting the night of our honeymoon he has had erectile problems. It seems to only be remedied by prescription medication, which is so very expensive. Oh, did I mention he is a penny pincher. As you can imagine those two items are not a good combination. I have a cheap husband that can not maintain an erection. What do I do? We have not had one night of completely fulfilling sex to date. Most of the time it is extremely hurried in order to take advantage of the erection he does manage to get. I am frustrated….we are newly married and still developing good communication habits. This is a sensitive subject, that he is not very willing to approach. Does anyone have any advice?
He may be cheap but that doesn’t mean that you have to be. I have a very simple solution – buy it for him! Who says that you can’t pony up the money if this really means a lot to you? There are several very reputable Canadian pharmacies onlines where the prices are about 1/3 of what they are in the U.S.. Make sure the one you choose is registered with the Canadian pharmacy association that regulates pharmacies there. That’s what I’ve been doing for almost 4 years now. No more excuses! 🙂 Best of luck to you!
Finding this article is bittersweet. I am fighting tears as I grieve the loss of what I expected our marriage to be, based on conversations we’ve had prior to marriage. I am encouraged that I am not alone. I am definitely the higher libido one, and in prior relationships my husband was high drive too. On the wedding night I wondered if it was nerves, or too much anticipation, but the things we talked about were very different from the experience we shared. I love him dearly and this is an issue we will work through. Right now I am fighting hard against the feeling it’s me. If I looked like, or perhaps performed like, someone in a previous relationship of his, maybe this would not be an issue. I know he notices women with a much more petite, slender build than me. (I am within a healthy weight range and am often mistaken for 10 yrs younger, so my self-care is not the issue. Plus, I am the same size I was during our dating and engagement). I feel compelled to work at losing so$e weight and slimming down a bit just to know for sure it’s not me.
At this point he is struggling with initiating anything because he feels he is letting me down. And I am to the point of tears because of the need for physical release, grieving this unexpected place we’re in, and feeling selfish for needing the release as I do. I am angry with God that waiting till marriage to consumate our relationship has turned out this way. He is frustrated that he can’t perform as he has in all other relationships, and I am supporting him in every way I can think of. I know he is devastated. Meds are not working for him. I have suggested we are on a journey to find our new normal, and have enceouraged him to journey with me. We have decided to be intimate with no expectations of intercourse, so he isn’t stressed at the prospect of sisappointing me, and I’m not in a place where I can be disappointed (I’m no longer constantly thinking ‘will this be the night?’). I would love intimacy every 2-3 days. It’s been closer to once every 2 weeks. I can’t discuss this with anyone and feel pretty much alone. All of my friends wish their husbands would ‘leave them alone’. I would be very happy if I was in that situation!
So this article has helped me not feel so alone, and has brought the tears I’ve supressed to the surface. Let the grieving process continue, so we can move forward. One day I will be able to help others with this experience. For now I will seek God to help us work through this challenge.
I have been experiencing ED for quite a while now. Occasionally I will use half of a viagra but my wife doesn’t want me to overdo that. My wife still wants IC but doesn’t push. However she does orgasm when I lay on her. Even without an erection.
She used to give me a few spanks as foreplay before sex but I now find this has become major for me and she is quite comfortable to do this much more which really excites me.
I sure hope this doesn’t come off sounding too selfish, but my husbands ED is the best thing that ever happened to me.
About 9 years ago, I went through menopause and sex became painful. I also lost all sexual desire, ability to become aroused, and can no longer orgasm. I routinely get bladder and vaginal infections.
Needless to say, menopause has been tough. I have tried to increase my ability to enjoy sex (herbs, lubes, vaginal creams, testosterone, and am now on HRT). I have been fighting for 9 years to get my mojo back. It’s very hard to have intercourse when it’s uncomfortable, there is no arousal or orgasms, and you often end up with some kind of infection. I never looked forward to sex.
Sex has always been very important to my husband so we have scheduled sex once a week for the past 9 years. I need to schedule our encounters because I need the time to mentally prepare and get myself into the right frame of mind.
Since my husband has been having trouble with erections (meds don’t work and pumps and injections aren’t our thing), it has opened up a whole new avenue to intimacy for us. We can enjoy each other without intercourse! That is the biggest relief for me ever.
My husband misses PIV. He feels like part of his masculinity is missing. I don’t miss PIV at all. I was actually starting to resent it. I was never experiencing pleasure only pain and infections. I had thoughts of going sexless.
Now that my husband has no choice but to explore other forms of intimacy I find myself actually looking forward to our intimate times. That’s the best thing ever.
That sounds wonderful to me. Sometimes I find myself wishing I didn’t have to struggle with intercourse when I have partial ED but I know my wife is very partial to it but the best I can do is just lay on top of her trying my best. I do love foreplay though. To me you have a blank sheet every time to play with. It really excites me and I love it. I seem full of imagination for foreplay but I do find that fitting in IC dampens it a bit. I do count my blessings though and the bedroom is not just about me.
I am suffering from ED. I only enjoyed a sex life with my wife for few years. I am now a sickly person but I still want to have a sexually intimate marriage. However, how could I? My wife, for most of the time was not really interested when I still able to have an erection. I have to begged her for sexual intercourse and that made me felt so low about myself. Now that I have ED (since two years ago), we hardly had a sexual-intimate time. She did not even hug me or kiss me anymore and refuse to intimately kissed. I married in my mid-30s. All throughout my youth and young adult life I remained sexually pure… there were non-Christian girls who liked me but I turn them down because I obeyed His command. At the same time, every attempt of mine at getting close to sister in the Lord ended with rejection. So when I finally found my wife, I was full of hope and joy… I thought I will enjoy intimacy and love. Now, I feel like a failure… I fell cheated in life… it is really really stupid! I have desires that cannot be met because I have ED and a wife who not interested. Sometimes, she even make fun of me. Sometimes, when I say I wanted to have sex… she even cruelly joked that are many prostitutes out there which I can hire. Where is God?
This seems to have become a spiritual problem and not just a physical problem Eddy. Try not to let any negative in as that is obviously affecting you spiritually. Of course God is faithful and Jesus has promised to neve leave us nor forsake us. You need to close the door on these thoughts. Try countingyour blessings first? That will put you in a better position to get the victory over the other.
I appreciate how no one here is looking to extra marital affairs as the simple solution to getting individual needs met for sex. Everyone keeps trying to work within the marriage and turning energy into creative ways of staying close and getting closer. That has got to strengthen marriage. Good for you! We are dealing with ED and my libido is low as well. My husband gets defensive when I research and share with him possible enhancements. We are working on trying to open communication and for me to not seem like the solution fix it person. I hear the pain and the sorrow here. I know it is so complex and sensitive, and there are no easy answers. I am going to share this site with my husband and see if he will look through it as well. I am particularly appreciative of the input here from men with ED themselves. That you can be open about it and willing to talk about it is great. That you are willing to help your wives out is sweet too. Thank you.
As one that has ED my sexual needs are fully met by my wife but I do have a guilt of not meeting her needs although she has never confessed that. I am willing to do anything but I feel deep down that she craves IC although she never complains so I am kind of left guilty for having my needs met but cannot meet hers. Viagra worked but she doesn’t want me to take that as there could be health issues so it is a kind of catch 22.
I just stumbled upon this article looking for support…I’m 26 years old and I have been married for 2 years. We were together for 5 before that. My husband is 11 years older and over the time we have been together he has experienced ED and it became more frequent as time went on.. I thought maybe it was me like all women it seems…I was overweight when this started happening so I got my health together and lost a lot of weight hoping that would make me more desirable. We got married and it only kept happening more. I have tried all kinds of ways to be supportive and creative in the bedroom. My husband is also overweight…We have talked about this many times and he saw a doctor. He told me this never happened in his previous marriage.He feels the viagra is too expensive but I also feel extremely incompetent as a young newly married woman with a husband who needs viagra. I’m wondering if the extra weight he carries is contributing…I would NEVER want to pressure him or make him feel guilty because of that because he was never like that with me when I was heavy…I feel so alone and I don’t know how I can face our life together feeling like this. I love him so much and he is an amazing man. I want to spend my life with him but I also want to have another really important part of our marriage which is sex! I’m 26 years old!
Sometimes it is connected to high cholestrol which can help block the blood in the veins that bring the erection. Excercise and a healthy weight do help. It is also common for porn to have that effect, not that any man on here would use that.
It is a good idea to look at high cholestrol as that can help block the blood in the veins that bring the erection. Porn also can have the same effect not that any man on here would use that.
Please help,
I am a Christian, married for 21 yrs.
My husband is also but recently a friend came up to me and said my husband was telling men on the job about our sex life.
He denied it admittedly and even took a lie detection test. He flunked.
I am trying to forgive but I no longer trust him and he has ED as well now.
I know the Lord hates divorce but ugh.
I AM LOST. PLEASE HELP.
I have 5 sons and 2 daughters ages10-20 My older ones say ” Mom, it’s ok if you divorce dad, we’ll be ok”.
I just stumbled onto this article as well, and have been researching ED since my husband is only recently experiencing it at times. We’ve been married for 30 years and are still madly in love. I’m 53 and he’s 55. We are both in decent physical shape but especially my husband. He takes care of himself and we’ve tried Cialis and it worked for awhile but seems to be losing it’s effect. We’ve recently started trying toys but honestly I don’t quite understand or know what to do with them. I guess we will keep trying. We’ve also been trying adding new things to spice up our lovemaking. It seems to help but we can’t do all of these things every time as it takes too much time, time we don’t have. Plus my mother lives with us. But I worry we will run out of surprises and eventually they won’t work either. I hope you understand what I mean.
We’ve always had a huge sexual appetite and are very evenly matched that way. He had always had a higher drive than I did and would initiate more often, but I was always excited and passionate in my response.
Over the past 6 months or so, he’s been having a harder time to maintain an erection.
I think I’m probably spoiled because of how it’s always been up til lately, but it’s very hard for me to finish if he’s not still visually excited, as in erect, although he says he’s still very excited. I also am worried that if we take the time for myself he will lose his erection, so I want intercourse right away so we can have that part of our intimacy that we’ve always enjoyed. However he is very willing and eager to take the time for me. It just loses something in the process for me, if he no longer has an erection or if he never had one in the first place.
I don’t mind if he finishes first and then works on me. And that is what we do, often times. But if he can’t get an erection at all or if he isn’t very erect and he doesn’t feel he will climax, he still wants to have fun just with me. I appreciate this about him so much. I love him incredibly.
However I can’t get satisfaction when it’s just me that wants or needs the end result. I’m not used to that. It also worries me that he might have a serious health issue. He says he’s going to get a complete physical exam soon, which I am grateful for. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without this man in my life. I think this fear is making it hard for me to finish as well. It’s becoming a prominent fear for me.
While we have sex daily except when he’s out of town, it doesn’t always end the way we are used to. I know this is a lot of sex, typically and I shouldn’t be complaining. But ED is new to us. It’s scary for me. It’s also making me sad because our lovemaking has always been such an integral part of our life together. I miss it so much when ED interferes, it makes me want to cry. I try to hide it from him. I don’t want him to know how much this is affecting me. I feel like such a spoiled brat, secretly having a temper tantrum, but I miss the sheer exhaustion and hard sleep after beautiful lovemaking.
I know my husband is disappointed too and feels bad for me. But I want to keep being honest with each other, while at the same time, keeping our dignity.
Is there anything else that we can try? Should he go to a urologist? Is this permanent or does it get worse, or is it sometimes just a phase? Or….. do I just need to change my mindset and develop a new desire for a different type of intimacy, one that doesn’t always end in climax and exhaustion after passion?
I just can’t believe that we, of all people are having this problem. We both say we never thought this would happen to us. Yet I understand it can happen to anyone at any time.
Oh! Also, I wanted to share a tip for those of us who have uti’s or painful ic. Coconut oil has helped me tremendously. It’s a natural antibacterial and hormone balancer. I used to get uti’s all the time and have not had one since I started applying coconut oil inside of myself, daily. it’s also a great lubrication. It’s so good for us in so many ways. Hope that helps someone else.
Sheila, I’ve been reading subject matters and parts of your books and blogs that I thought would be appropriate for me to gain some insight to how women think and feel. And I don’t know why, when my wife will give me a straight answer each time. I suppose that I am trying to figure out why, after I spend quit a bit of time thinking and processing what I would like to say, she says, got it, no problem. Only to see no progress. I discuss in detail how important cuddling, hugs and deep kisses are needed, given my emotional state. Since none of this seems to be taking, I am deciding that this just isn’t for me, and my needs, ego and emotional state of mind are just that. So when it comes to sex, I wait a week, knowing that that’s how long it takes for her libido to cycle, and I take care of her orally and after four or five orgasm’s, then I go inside, where she rubs herself for another two or three times. Eventually and IF my body is going to cooperate, I might ejaculate. I am a sixty year old with type II diabetes. I work very hard on my diet, maintain my healthy weight with my diet. SO what’s the problem ? It’s just sex. No buildup. “Just let me know” and off with the clothes. We’ve been married for three and a half years. My ED is intermittent. I have noticed that when relaxed, she unknowingly turns me on. Yes, I have told her. But it’s still, “okay let’s go”
Thanks for listening. Not really looking for answers. Just needed to vent.
Please be careful not to offer medical advice to people when you do not have medical training.
I mean no disrespect and I too encourage natural products and treatments whenever possible.
That being said, I could have easily lost my husband if he had not been tested and immediately treated for low testosterone.
He was falling asleep during work, he works as a contractor. While trying to drive. He had issues with his blood pressure and blood sugar not staying balanced. Vision changes, mood swings, loss of appetite but gaining weight even though he didn’t eat much.he was restless all night and started suffering from severe muscle pain and weakness. It was a downhill slide for all of his major organ functions in less than 3 months he could barely move after work. It was horrible to see him suffer that way.
His body could have shut down. He had a mental interest, but no physical drive.
Please take low testosterone very seriously.
Our marriage has always been lousy my from day one was so boring. I’ll have to compare her to watching a car rust. And sex with her is just as Bad! Years ago I brought this up to her several times and it went in one ear and out the other. After a couple years of marriage I just gave up, and volunteer ed to work midnight shift and sex was stopped . This went on till I retired! She had a hysterectomy early in life and had no interest in sex i developed ed, and was rather happy about it. This has been going on for probably 35 years of so. So being sexless was tough at first but I made it. Now in our 70s and there is no love and we haven’t talked in years
Wow, that is so sad. I just want to say to people reading this: fight for your marriage. Don’t let it go decades with no intimacy and no connection, and then end up retired and not even knowing each other. When you let things slide, this is what happens. Fight for it. If you feel your self drift, stop the drift!
My husband has ED also, due to a sleep disorder. We have been dealing with it for 10 years now. It started when he was 37 and I was 32. We have seen marriage counselors and a sex therapist for many years and have done all their suggestions. I have read all these comments and I understand all of them. Yes, cuddling and touching and oral sex and sex toys do help but after many years it seems to not satisfy me emotionally. I want old fashioned normal sex with my husband ! He does take Viagra, but after many years, it starts to not work all the time. So maybe 1 time a month we have intercourse and it is so fast for him, I am always left unsatisfied. I am getting to the point I do not want sex at all myself. He is the love of my life, we have fun together and a great relationship otherwise, but after so many years it is getting to me. I know its not his fault, but I am still so unhappy with this issue. I have listened to his frustration and I have supported my husband with understanding, love, and patience with this, but am I being selfish to want more?
Hi Michelle! No, I don’t think you’re being selfish to have real desires. That is so, so hard. But I would say this: Maybe together you and your husband need to honestly grieve what you have lost, because you’ve lost something big. And you need to acknowledge that and work through the grief. And yes, you still keep up with all the other things, but maybe you need to give yourselves time and permission to grieve this, because it is a real loss. If you grieved it, maybe you’d be able to move forward a little easier without always looking backwards.
My prayers are with you. That’s so tough.
Do you have a book I can buy that my husband MIGHT read about still hugging & kissing after ED x 8 years??
My husband has ED and has for the past five years. His was because of diabetes. However, he finally got some pills which do work but he has quit using them because they will not work when he is drinking, which most every night. He is mean spirited and he shamelessly flirts with younger women when we go out and is completely inattentive. He is 68. He was searching for a former flame from college on the Internet one night recently. He shows very little affection towards me or our children. I Am treated as a roommate and someone just to get the work done. My self esteem is quickly eroding. I think he wants to make me unattractive and not worth the effort and with the right woman I would not have a problem type of thinking. I could stand to lose a few pounds but am still an attractive woman. He has always been very egotistical. I am totally miserable.
I was about to buy into this until it became all about the man. Boiled down, it may be medical and/or it may be in his head. Either way, it does a number on a woman and no one ever talks about how devastating it is for her. Instead it is all about stroking his ego until it gets fixed. If it ever gets fixed. No one can change a man if it is in his head. Women get really tired of being rejected when they try to initiate or stroke the ego or help create intimacy. If a man won’t fix his medical issues or work around them or wont so anything at all if it is in his head, it is abuse.
I have been married for over 13 years now and the last 3 years have been rough with ed problems. It started where it was off and on, I’ve been to several doctors/men’s clinics and my testosterone is low for for only being 34. We are both very sexual people, so this has been a grieving issue for us. I struggle with severe anxiety from this. It is a Pass/Fail test every time we try and do it and I fail most of the time. I can perform however sometimes spontaneously or when I’m not anxious. I have always helped my wife to achieve an orgasm so she always feels satisfied when we do have sex. She has worked with me in trying to help me perform over the years, but she is totally uninterested every time I mention things other than intercourse that we could do. So I don’t feel much of anything intimate with her anymore. She wants intercourse and nothing more and says I need to fix it. Any suggestions on how to further approach this? It feels like a hopeless situation.
My husband is suffering with this, and I have low progesterone. Anxiety does not help, so her harsh judgements won’t help “fix it”…but I completely understand her feelings as well. Environmental, lifestyle, and diet factors need to be considered. All more natural, less chemicals, more organic fresh foods…as our food has gone to the dumps over the last 25 years. (I’m actually repeating what my doctor told me and each of her patients) Do the “hippie” “crunchy” “wacko” things- essential oils, cut out chemical use in the home-cleaning products, hygiene products etc. I’m telling you, all these things affect gut health/microbiome, and in turn affect hormones-for both men and women. It’s been a tough road for us, and I’m trying to do the same here in our house.
Do things that are supposed to naturally increase and balance hormones, and then the anxiety will need to be worked with as well. With the wife, without the wife, but talking to a counselor or a hypnotherapist could be beneficial as well.
Porn is not an issue, and we are in our mid-thirties, and want more children. We’re lost. We can’t afford to see any natural doctors that will treat the issues with bio identical hormones and other natural treatments/suggestions so as the clock ticks and we loose time for more children, we are just praying and trying different natural routes that I find online. I hold tears in daily seeing so many other people grow their families. We have one beautiful kiddo and I’m so thankful for that. It’s sad to not be able to have a sibling though. We’d hoped for a big family, and I always thought if we had a problem having kids it would be due to me. People constantly ask us when we are having more…I seem to always get the blame too. “just have sex don’t plan it out, think of when you’ll have to use pills so just have fun now! You’ll get pregnant when you’re not trying!”….thanks for the advice, but please insert your foot to your mouth. Just another Challenge God decided I can handle right, still tough though.
I would like any advice on how to deal with the anger and resentment caused by ED. It’s eating me up some nights.
I like that you mentioned how you should consider scheduling times for your sexual intercourse if your partner struggles with erectile dysfunction. Now that I am starting to get older, I have noticed that it has become difficult having intercourse recently, and I would like to enhance my ability to achieve an erection so that I do not make my wife feel insecure. It may be best to consider using a penis ring to assist me during intercourse.
As far as I’m concerned there is no fix for E/D. It is what it is, I’ve had E/d for half my life. I’m 75 and and I’ve had it almost 40 years. Tried all the fix it stuff, pills made me sick, pumps injections implant and all a waste of money. Now a days they have clinc’s and I’m mentally tired of trying. Plus wife had a hysterectomy and now has no desire for sex. Wife has always upset and all I can say is shit happens, I have no control over any of this.
So true and Thank you for putting grieving for the loss. Since I was 12 I have trusted my warrior to be there for me when needed. But understanding that the grief must end and life must go on is enlightening and brings hope to despair.
I found out about my husband’s ED on our wedding night. We are still virgins and are a month away from our 1-year anniversary. Be grateful that you’ve at least had sex.