A woman writes: “my husband is texting another woman. What do I do?”
Every Monday I try to answer a Reader Question. Sometimes the questions I get are really hard ones, and today’s is an example. I know many of you have caught your husband on Facebook with another woman, or texting another woman, and your whole world is thrown up in the air. You’ll likely relate to this:
My husband does have a history of looking at porn on the internet, but claims to not do this anymore. Recently, I logged into his computer to print something, and his facebook was up. There happened to be a text between he and a “friend” who he claims helped him when we were going through marriage problems a while ago. He says they were just friends and she helped him understand a women’s point of view. Well, the FB text was horrible, sexy talk from him. He was asking her about masturbation and if she thought about him during it, etc. I have been praying about this since, but my question is: do I tell him I know? I am having a very hard time with this, as I feel every time he brings up sex or talks to me about something personal, that he is lying to my face.
I am so, so sorry if you’re walking through this, and I want to give a few general thoughts about it. These would apply whether you catch your husband texting another woman, catch him using porn, or even catch him in an affair.
You Are Not to Blame if Your Husband is Being Unfaithful
I see this in so many women’s emails: the husband is doing something that is completely and utterly wrong, and yet she is the one who feels badly or guilty. Here she’s wondering if she should tell him, because if she does he turns it around and often blames her, and this sends her into a tailspin.
When a spouse is doing something wrong, one of the marks of it is that they will deflect the blame. If you’re walking through a relationship like this, you’ll often suspect something, but if you bring it up you’ll be told that you’re crazy, that you’re jealous, that you need to see a counselor, or, if the person can’t deny it, that it is all your fault because you weren’t sexual enough, or you weren’t available, or you nagged too much.
I’ve seen women who were certain their husbands were having affairs for years, but at the same time they felt that maybe they were just too jealous or were reading too much into things. They started to doubt themselves.
There’s two reasons for this: Your husband often denies and turns things around on you; but you also are so scared to face the truth that the relationship may be as bad as you fear that you throw the responsibility back on yourself.
So let me say this loudly and clearly: If your husband is texting another woman, or sexting another woman, he is the one doing wrong, not you.
You are not to blame. Yes, we can contribute to the temptation to sin. But no matter what you did, there is NEVER an excuse to start a relationship with someone who is not your spouse, and you need to let go of that guilt.
No Matter What Happens, You Will Be Okay
Please hear me on this one. You are bigger than your marriage. You are precious to God, just who you are. If your marriage falls apart, God will not leave you, and He will carry you through this.
For most of us, divorce or separation is the scariest thing we can imagine, next to losing our children. Our whole identity is tied up in being a wife. The thought that the marriage may be at stake sends us into such a tailspin.
Marriage is a wonderful thing. Marriage matters. The vow matters. But listen: God is bigger than your marriage, too. You are more important to Him than your marriage. And you honestly will be okay. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, you will cry a river of tears. But He will carry you.
Now, hear me on this, too:
I am not saying that your marriage is over. I am not saying that it can’t be rebuilt. But until you are able to say, “My trust is in God, not in my marriage”, you will not be able to deal with this problem effectively. You will be so scared of losing your marriage that it will be hard for you to confront, to draw boundaries, and to do what is necessary to give yourself a chance at saving your marriage.
Now is the time to go running to God, and to find a close friend or counselor to help you do that, so that you have His inner strength and peace to deal with this.
You Must Confront Him Over the Texting–or the Betrayal
Our letter writer is wondering if she should confront her husband with the texts to another woman she saw on Facebook.
Her reluctance is understandable. As soon as you say the words, you can’t take them back. You can’t go on pretending everything is fine. It’s out in the open, and now all the ugliness has to be dealt with. What if you can’t put that genie back in the bottle?
If you don’t confront him it will get worse. If you don’t confront him you are hurting his own spiritual life. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions; that’s the only way that he will have the motivation to do the right thing.
Many men (and many women) are living in this fairytale that they can have their cake and eat it, too. The more they go down that path–by pursuing a relationship with another woman–the more they damage themselves as people and hurt all those around them. He must be made to choose, which means that you need to be willing to accept the fact that he may not choose you. As I explained in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, it’s all about choosing to live in truth, because if you just try to “keep the peace”, then you’re actually continuing to live in a lie. And ultimately, that’s bad for everyone.
(See the book here).
A few practical things: If you have caught him texting, take a picture of it. If you caught him on Facebook, take a screen shot. It is best to have proof so that he can’t argue or tell you that you’re crazy. If you found him using porn, take a screen shot of the computer’s internet history, just so that he can’t deny it. Then, instead of debating whether he actually did it, you can move on to dealing with the consequences of it.
Also, sometimes it’s better to confront him in the presence of a third party who can help you navigate that conversation. If it’s something big, talk to a pastor or counselor first, and ask them to be present while you talk to your husband. This isn’t always possible, but often these conversations go better this way.
Living in Truth is Better than Living in a Lie
There is nothing more exhausting than trying to maintain a fiction about your life. It is easier to live in the truth, even if the truth hurts, than to maintain a lie. Jesus said that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Jesus is the Truth; Jesus lives in the Truth. If you decide to live in the Truth, too, His resources and His power are there for you in a very powerful way.
Luke 8:17 says:
For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.
God is in the “bringing things out in the open” business.
When people start to be honest with each other, and honest with themselves, then God can work.
Whether you caught your husband using porn, or caught him in an affair, or caught him texting someone else, the first step always is to run to God and put your trust ultimately in Him. Then remember: things need to be brought to light. Find a friend, or a counselor, or a pastor who can help you do this. Sometimes sitting down with a third party and confronting him is better than confronting him on your own. But do confront, do bring to light, and do know that no matter what happens, God is there for you and He can carry you.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Be prepared for your husband to lie. Even after I found emails between my first husband and one of his mistresses describing their sexual encounters, he came up with every lie under the sun. His account was hacked, she was just joking, he was just testing to see if I ever read his emails, he was writing fictional erotic material etc. Every lie imaginable.
I don’t have an answer, other than be prepared in case he tries to lie about it.
I caught my husband asking for nasty pix from one his acquaintance and few months later i caught him reaching out to his ex -girl friend who cheated her husband wz my mine (that was before we met) my point here is -if your husband has short temper then the matter would be really ill. I was blamed, called a dumb B*&^ch , he even said why he chose me to marry coz he never thought our marriage would be so stressful (that’s coz i was striving to live wz morals and values) I did exactly what the above. i confronted by my self and burnt my finger – I told what i needed to say and then turned to Jesus He is our ultimate intimacy ,healer, comforter and what ever we need Him to be ( i’m smiling while i just typed that) so i know what you are going through. my husband is a porn addict too i have spoken about it – am praying and asking the Lord to move -we cannot change our husbands except God ,Only the Holy Spirit can bring conviction to the person. unless he is changed inside out by God nothing will work. its like talking to a brick wall. I went to talk to my pastor’s wife and she counseled me and told me-you have now done your part- now stop sneaking around and doing the 007 work and hand your husband over to God, when we as wives keep doing what our minds tells us to do out of emotion God cannot work in our husbands. she said keep you mouth shut and start writing a prayer journal. start writing every thought in it like a prayer and pray it over and have faith. Lord will reveal things and bring things to light. and show LOVE,KINDNESS, turst the Lord He will answer you and your heart will know it! God bless….
Hi! Your comment is very helpful. At an early age of thirty, I found out that the love of my life for more than 10 years cheated on me and it was not easy reading over their disgusting chats. It was more than what a strong wife could handle. We don’t have a child so he can do these things with less guilt. I confronted him and I know he said both lies and truth, and yes, I began the 007 job because I believe the truth will set us free. I just want to know the truth because he keeps on lying to me even when I let him face the altar in front of God, he still lied to me. But I could not leave him, I have loved him for more than a decade and I have given up everything for him, what am I suppose to do without my husband? Please help me.
I am going through the EXACT same thing. I gave up having kids to be with him because I loved him so much. I found incriminating texts and at first he admitted to them being inappropriate and now he is turning the table and mad at me for hacking his account.
My husband of 27 years cheated for almost a year. Our 16 year old found the messages via email.
They were so cruel and full personal attacks against me. I did forgive him for it, and now I see that he texts with women who ask for hook ups on their day off, and he calls me crazy. I will be crazy if this continues.
Joymie I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, it really is heart breaking to go through. If you are anything like me, you can’t eat, sleep or focus on anything but him and the pain right now, I know because I am again going through the exact same thing, I say again because my husband has done this a number of times over the past nine years, and every time he does it, I forgive him and we start again.
Well this time, I have had enough. he is still in touch with two of these women. He told me he wasn’t, but my spirit just knew he was lying, he got really upset because he thought I had been through his phone, I hadn’t I just knew you see he has a pattern.
We are now in the process of a separation, I would say trust in God always he knows the truth, and trust in yourself you know what is best for you even if you don’t speak it, and ask yourself what do you what you want from your life, if he wasn’t in your life would your spirit be at peace/calm. I truly believe some people just come into your life for a reason and a season, they come into your life to teach us lessons about life yourself and maybe even relationships.
I personally have had enough, he has no honor or respect for me, and how much self respect would I have in myself, if I continue to put up with that bad behavior For so long he was up front and center in my life, I made him my world and he didn’t make me his. So now I need to make me and our children my world.
I really do hope this helps.
Stay true to you x
I’m going through the same thing however I’m 21 married with two children this is me and my husbands 3rd year of marriage and him talking to other women happens at least 3 times a month. That’s based on when I catch it. When I ask who it is oh my co worker was using my phone oh we were talking about you getting advice. But he was asking the girl was she off work. I’m young and I love him we have a family for crying out loud I don’t understand its like my world is upside down . I trust God and I believe soon he will show me the way.
Hey Giselle,
I’m going through a very tough time right now in my marriage. My husband is sending Facebook messages back and forth, and also calling this woman who is so called his cousin. But I found out that she is not his cousin.
When I read your comment on what your pastors wife had told you, it hit home for me. My spiritual GOD mother told me just about the same thing. But I am trying not to keep looking and searching to see if their still talking to each other. I confronted him, and told him to stop talking to her and I believe he is still communicating with her.
I’m a stay at home wife and mother, I attend college part-time. If I had the means, I would pack up take the kids and leave. So he could sit and think about what’s more important, talking to her or his wife and children. I have prayed and prayed, and cried, I’m waiting on the Heavenly Father to fix this situation. I’ve prayed for strength so I can hold on and stay still. I trust in Him, but my spirit is in rage and I’m hurt because I never had any problem before with my husband and other women. I just don’t know how much longer I can hold on.
I found texts on Facebook and on my husbands phone between him and a female coworker. He told her she had a nice ass, that she was sexy, sent her big heart eye emojies, etc. He works for Honda and they rent out Six Flags for employees and their families once a year. When we got home I went into the house while he pretended to sit in the car so he could listen to the football game (We don’t have TV, just Netflix). But later I found the half hour long text conversation he was actually having during that time. He sent her a kiss emojie, told her she had looked pretty, asking her how soon after he saw her she had left, and told her she should be his sugar momma but she didn’t have to pay him. He claims it was all innocent joking around, that he talks to all the girls at work like that and that it was never physical. I told him 1) I don’t care if it wasn’t physical, it already wen to far 2) You obviously DON’T talk to all the girls like this, at least not outside of work, because there are no texts to them on your facebook/phone. I was willing to forgive what he had done immediately, in fact, the way I confronted him was by saying “I want to believe these are innocent but I would be lying if I said my heart wasn’t pounding right now.” But I know that sometimes people cross lines withough realizing it and was willing to beleive this was one of them. That it really was meant as innocent flirtatious joking and only in hind sight did he see how it was wrong. But it took him a month to even admit it was wrong. For that month he was giving excuses and telling me my feelings weren’t justified. He used to be a methodone addict (went into rehab 3 months ago) and one of his excuses was that now that he is clean his emotions are coming back and he wants to cut up and flirt, but these texts I found went back a good six months prior to him going into rehab. A month after finding out about the coworker he still had her phone number in his phone. When I said something he said she was such a sweet girl he didn’t want to hurt her. 1) She’ll never know if you sill have her number so she can’t be hurt by it. 2) So you’d rather hurt me by keeping the number? Finally, I took the initiative and deleted the number. Unfortunately, he has transferred his dependancy from methodone to alchohol. After repeated instances of him driving drunk I locked him out of the house and had his brother come and get him. He spent the night there. I am happy to report he hasn’t driven drunk since. About a week later his pawpaw died. He took a nerve pill to deal with is and then mixed it will alchohol. He became very verbally abusive and while we were in the car together kept reaching out and jerking the wheel around (I was driving). I was worried that we’d get the attention of a cop at best and end up in a ditch at best. I shouldn’t have done it, but I fisted my hand and thumpped him 3 times on the arm/shoulder while yelling “Stop it!” He responded in kind. That time I kicked him out for the entire weekend. The next weekend we went to one of his coworkers birthday parties at a club. After the party had ended (And he had drunk 11 beers, a shot, and two mixed drinks) he decided to hit on a girl at the club. I let him sleep it off in the car that night. I believe in your vows, for better or worse. So things have ended up being worse, but that doesn’t mean that I should quit. I’m trying to be strong and work towards fixing things, But it’s hard when it doesn’t feel like he’s putting in any effort. I went through 10 years of methodone use with him, I don’t want this to be what beats us.
Sheila is giving the best advice. I am a little over a year of rebuilding my marriage after finding out my husband was having an affair with a coworker. He tried to lie his way out of it and I almost allowed him to, because I was so scared of him divorcing me. Thankfully the Holy Spirit kept putting it in my face in ways I could not ignore and gave me plane tickets in both of their names as my proof. I hid this from him and we went to a counselor and I basically told them I knew about an upcoming trip without letting either one of them know I had copies of the tickets and he lied the entire session. I finally went to a lawyer, but went to Mass before meeting him and the Gospel that day said, If you are to go with your opponent before a magistrate make an effort to settle the matter on the way…Luke 12:58-59. I confronted him with it he denied, I shoved the tickets in his face, he got mad and 2 months later finally decided to try to work it out. Go to Jesus, TRUST IN HIM, He will see you through this. Sheila, I would be happy to talk to this woman if you want to contact me and exchange emails or numbers. I had a few amazing woman to pray me though this and my priest. Jesus led me to them, without them I could not gotten to the wonderful place I am now. Trust in Him, He will carry you through this.
Hello, I know this post is old but I am going through this now. I need prayer and was hoping you could help me. I have been with a man for over 10 years and we have always gotten through our issues but things are at there worst again and o caught him talking to and tecting someone and getting explicit pics from her as well. I confronted him DURING this and lost it. I was crying and he got so angry at me and calls me every name in the book and is now telling me to get the f out me and the kids. It hurts me so bad. I thought I was the one and only and here he is accusing me constantly when he was the one. He drinks everyday and it’s just gotten so bad I am constantly crying as I don’t understand how he could do this to me. The man I have loved through it all. He acts like he hates me now and I am the one that was done wrong. Can you please connect me to someone who can pray for and with me? I hope you are still doing well. I just really need someone as I have no family here and no one to talk to because my while life revolved around him and his family.
Hi,
I am with be happy to be connected too with someone who can counsel me through and work me with prayers. this is the first of its kind after being with him for 10 yrs ,married for 4 with 2 girls. I dont knw what to do. i feel like speakig with someone but i dont know who to?
I am so scared. Please H.spirit help me
Hello ladies,
I truly know how you are feeling, keep in mind that you are not alone and that not only God but someone else is going thru the same thing or similar. I believe in restoration and not giving up on a commitment one has made. I also believe that the devil is a liar and that God is our only truth. It is very difficult at these tormenting moments to see what God sees when we are pained. I challenge you to pray what you do not want to pray. To pray like Anna, to sob in his presence and give thanks for every moment. Just recently I went thru something similar, actually I’ve been thru this several times since I got married now for 11 years. I became a bitter, resentful wife. At times I got revenge from my husband by ignoring him every time he wanted to talk, to never give him compliments, and to always nag him. This was my way of vengeance for him not giving me what I needed, for him not respecting me as his wife, and for his lack of honesty. At times I would regroup myself but then slip back into bitter old me blaming my unhappiness on him. Mad at him for not being the man God wanted him to be, because God will judge men for what they did with their families, not me. So I was mad at him for not taking his Godly role and I made sure my attitude showed it. I made the mistake of allowing someone to change who I am in the Lord, I am wrong for not believing in my spouse, I am wrong for accusing him when I myself is full of weakness (just not those), I am wrong for not being the Godly life of Proverbs 31 when it says She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. At times I believe I cannot be this women, it is too much, but I know we are being molded, and God is breaking us to be who he wants us to be.. Women without fear, loving, caring, courageous, victorious women who can handle and will defeat in Jesus name. Believe me this is not his plans for us, but he wants us to stop having our husbands like IDOLS. He wants us to put our eyes on Him, HE NEVER FAILS, MEN in general do .. We do. Fight for your homes, cloathe yourself in Victory and Declare Victory over your Family. God gave it to you because You are Stronger and he trusted us with a Godly family. Do your part and do not get tired. Do just like David when Saul was after him…. Let God get tired, let his revenge you, let him put the limit.. not you… meanwhile pray, pray, pray, and fast. Every time I feel like lashing out on my husband I pray and cry and it goes away. Sometimes talking to our spouses is like talking to a brick wall.. NO CHANGE and it leaves us anxious and desperate for answers. TALK TO GOD! The bible says in Phillipians 4:6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Every time you start the feelings and your heart getting the best of you PRAY! It works. I fasted 7 days straight and after a year God restored my marriage. When I was about to give up and I told HIM…”Lord I am about to mess up everything and kick him out the house, I cant take it anymore” a person came on the radio saying just the right words I needed to hear. Don’t give up the victory for your home is around the corner, and it was in about 2 weeks he went crying to the altar and saying he was sorry and telling me how proud he was to have a fighting wife like me… for the first time my husband praised me… and I fell in tears when he did. God gave me the peace I needed and he counseled me and put oil over my wounds and told me he was my awaiting forever husband. Remember this is all in the world but it will not be like this in heaven. Matthew 22:30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven. So if this world is just a walk to heaven don’t get stuck in it… Again pray for your marriage and don’t give up. LEt God draw the line, not you. Once you forgive and you have the victory, YOU MUST REMAIN IN THE SPIRIT OF GOD. Why do I say this because if you put down your armour and weapon the devil will come back again to torment you and your spouse. YOU MUST REMAIN IN THE SPIRIT AND FIGHT in order to fully forgive and love like HE loves. Hope this helps … Ladies keep your heads up and remember our work in the Lord is not in vain. …. XOXO
Hi . Go and speak to someone it’s help. My husband is doing the same thing. I’m married for 10 years. My husband always got a story. At the moment my husband and I are not staying together. All the best ladies
I saw this and it was like me talking. I am going through a really rough time right now with my husband also. I will pray for you & hope that things may be better for you now. I know first hand how hard this can be but remember its not your fault they are the ones with the problem
I love to get some prayers about my marriage as well. L. Meyers
Hi Lynn i was just reading you comment am currently going through the same situation i have been married for 1 year already but just found out my husband has been talking to other women on social media he is incarcerated and we have known each other for 9 years i don’t know what to do i am so hurt my head is jummbled and confused
I completely agree about confronting him, any other thing will be, soon enough, intolerable for you.
But it’s important to confront him the right way.
Doing it wrong will indeed make him tell you you’re crazy, that it’s your fault, that you’re paranoid etc etc, and will send him running from the house (for a chance to get his story straight and hide evidence).
I wrote a post recently about how to confront an unfaithful husband, and I think it can be of help to you:
http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/confront-a-cheater/
I hope you hang in there, I know from personal experience how shattering this eperience is for you, but don’t lose hope. It doesn’t mean it’s the end. It’s actually a golden opprtunity to make your marriage better than it is now.
Lisa recently posted…Comment on Contact by Lisa Penn
As I sit here and listen to all the bias comments,I truly wonder if these ladies are on God’s side or their own.
There is a reason for your man’s actions. It takes two individuals to get to the point were you both were in your relationships.
I’am living this right now. I too was text and meeting a women whom truly helped me. I told her that I wasn’t looking for what she thought. It is typical behaviour for the other party not to believe this when the evidence is right in front of them.
Its fact that if it was a guy whom helped out, or I should say the same sex, we wouldn’t have a problem with it now would we.
Fact of the matter is that Trust has been lost in your relationship. some thing that you need to take responsibility for.
Having your friends say its not your fault clearly tells me that you have choose not to take responsibility for your actions.
and is some thing that needs to be done. so in closing ladies and gentleman go to your spouse ask for forgiveness
and mend your marriage as intelligent and loving husbands and wife’s. then thank god for what he has given you.
pray for your marriage and for your actions.. good luck and forgive me for my tongue.. May God bless you all.
John, anytime a man goes outside his marriage to find a woman “to truly help him” with or without the sex, he is cheating. The Bible is very clear in both the old and new testaments that we even THINK about it we have committed adultery (Matt 5:27). Your statement that “it takes two” is only partially true. There is NO excuse to cheat – even emotionally only — on your wife. There are plenty of good Christian counselors – both men and women – to whom you could “truly get help”. But that isn’t what you wanted. You wanted an emotional affair, an ego boost and someone to agree with you. Be honest with yourself first and please, question your own side before you accuse others of not being on God’s side. He knows your heart. It is never the other partners fault when their spouse CHOOSES to cheat on them. I’m not saying both parties don’t contribute to marital problems, but in your own example, YOU have gone outside the marital home. There is no justifying that.
Here here!
I just love this answer. Thank you!
Well, I understand John but FRIST AND FOREMOST you should NOT be talking to any woman about your personal businss other than you WIFE. That statement alone negates everything you just described not should your WIFE be speaking to any man about her personal business. As Kent just stated you have gone outside of your marital vows and you can’t justify what you have decided (CHOOSE TO DO) as a result of BOTH of your contribution to the marital discord. Marriage is a life for a life. That means you must die to yourself in order that your marriage may LIVE. You are no longer just the one person you are one person with BOTH people as a part of the WHOLE person that’s how God’s sees you. Your wife has to now stand in the GAP that you have created with your own selfish desire to converse intimately with someone else out side your MARRIAGE. Every Man’s Battle and Every Woman’s Battle are great books to read about sexual immorality which includes friendships outside of the marriage.
“Boundaries,” by Cloud & Townsend, gave me incredible Biblical courage. I think every woman should read it. It will give you the strength to do what you must do in bringing this out into the light. God revealed the messages to you because it is time for it to be addressed. As Sheila said, until you can say you trust in God, more than your marriage, you won’t be able to move forward well. None of this is easy. My prayers are with you, dear reader.
Bonny recently posted…Piece of Cake….
I caught my husband. The first time he denied it then I found more and more evidence and finally confronted him and he confessed. I called in to work said I had an emergency. I then went straight to church and told my pastor. Long story short my husband was a complete jerk to the pastor but after lots of counseling and prayer we are making our marriage better. It has been heartbreaking but I’m pushing through the grace of Jesus.
Great points, that he has done something quite wrong and she needs to talk to him about it. But then what? From the comments above she should expect lies, denial and a complete mess, but don’t worry, no matter what happens, she will be ok.. really? If this whole scenario is occurring in the first place, she is not ok, he most certainly is not ok and they are not ok. So before we call this case closed, why not consider what’s actually going on. Here’s my take:
He is a desperate man. He wants nothing more than to be loved, appreciated, adored by his wife, especially physically. This isn’t even about sex; it’s about honor. He is so cut and devastated by his own wife whom he loves, who doesn’t appreciate him in a way he can understand, if at all. He feels stuck in that miserable situation. I’m sure he’s tried to tell her how he feels, too, but has not been met with understanding. He needs to feel appreciated, and he has sunk to the point of taking it wherever he can get it – from another woman who’s no doubt got her own problems too.
So before she brings up his sin, I suggest she asks him whether or not he feels appreciated by her, physically. And after opening up all that sin and pain, if he cannot articulate his position clearly, show him what I’ve written to see if he relates to it. I’m quite sure he will.
William, I can’t possibly write all that happened, but I was trying to say that, the Holy Spirit will guide you through this if you open yourself up to God and trust in His way, not the world’s. I had family and friends tell me to leave him, humiliate him…I knew I wanted to try to save my marriage. I was blessed to have a priest and some friends who believed in marriage enough to help me through all the struggle. Yes, he cheated, but they helped me see that we both allowed our marriage to break down. Sadly neither one of us saw this coming until he was in over his head. We both woke up when it hit us in the face. Everything you described he was going through was correct, but sadly I felt the same way. Our communication had broken down and while I was trying to go to him to make things better, he was working long hours and he was working with another woman who was also hurting. It was easy to be there for each other because they had no baggage together, they could tell each other their troubles and relate in their hurt, but it was easy, because they had nothing to work on together, they could comfort each other instead. If he had talked about his struggles with me, it would have required work on both of our parts. To quote you, ” If this whole scenario is occurring in the first place, she is not ok, he most certainly is not ok and they are not ok.” You are correct, but he needs to go to her over and over until they can both communicate what is going on. Talking it out with a member of the opposite sex is not going to help any marriage. Instead together or individually they need to find a neutral person, in my case it was a priest, for someone else it may be a friend of the same gender or a counselor, but going to a friend or coworker of the opposite sex is a red flag in my book. I have seen too many affairs begin with the innocent idea of being there for the other person. All this talking is intimate and even if they don’t mean to get close, they are sharing their hearts with someone other than their spouse. Sharing this with their spouse, although harder and more painful can bring closer intimacy if they give it the time. Like I said, it took my husband about 2 months to end the affair. During this time I kept trying. I called, wrote notes…I did not try to hurt him the way he hurt me, I tried to show him that it would be hard to rebuild trust, but that if he was willing to try, I believed we could get past this. It took us about 8 months of real struggle, but after about 8 months we crossed a bridge and since then have continued to get better at communicating our true feelings to each other and rebuild our marriage. I believe it is better than it has ever been and unless he needs to change careers and go into acting he is very happy in our marriage now too. Pray and trust God to lead you through this.
Lynn. It’s great to hear that your marriage is on the mend even after an affair. I do hope, though, that the original wife in question is saved from that depth of pain through open communication before her husband is further lost in sin. Marriage is built on actions and words. I have worked so hard on my own marriage and the hardest thing has been breaking communication barriers, and I also know that my marriage too is the best it’s been and getting better all the time.
well said Lynn…..lovely to hear! God bless
William why do you assume that the wife is at fault in this situation? how do you know his wife isn’t adoring, appreciating and loving him, especially physically?
When I was married to my first husband, basically I worshipped him. It was wrong of me to adore him that much, in many ways making him an idol. Yes we had problems, but not because I didn’t adore and appreciate and love him. We had sex nearly every day, sometimes twice a day. Even after I was sexually assaulted while in hospital (long story), when I couldn’t even stand my toddler hugging me I was so repulsed at being touched, I still kept having sex with him and when he’d roll over and go to sleep I’d go to another room and cry. He never knew – he used to boast to his mates how good I was in bed and how much I loved him – plastering all over the internet (embarrassing to me, but it was nice that he could see how much I adored him). Yes we had problems but those problems entirely centred on him having a drug problem, draining all the money out of our bank account and my purse to buy drugs, beating me if I hid money to buy food for our baby, beating me if I begged him to leave me so money to feed the baby, and then coming home high and beating me just for the sake of it because he was high. He started cheating on me because as well as a drug addict, he was also a sex addict. He knew he was always loved and appreciated at home and had a fantastic sex life.
Some guys cheat even when they have a great sex life and a wife who adores them. My problem was I just forgave and forgot everything he did and never put boundaries in places. I adored him too much. There are sadly many men who feel very appreciated who still cheat. You can’t just assume that a cheating man has a woman who doesn’t appreciate him.
Hi Butterflywings. I do not assume the wife is at fault. The first thing I wrote was ‘he has done something quite wrong’, acknowledging that he is at fault. Then I described what may be his perspective and his feelings. These don’t justify his sin, but his feelings are still real and worth noting, which was my aim.
His wife may well be doing everything right. But if she is, and he still feels unloved and unappreciated, then there is a communication issue.
Also, I was not addressing the wives of cheating husbands everywhere. Only the wife who submitted the original question and wives in similar situations where there is an online relationship but no physical affair. I certainly would not generalise my response to your situation, which is completely different.
William, you couldn’t be more wrong about this. His wife could be the worst human being on the planet, and it is still his decision whether or not to honor his marital vows. To cheat, to stray, to be unfaithful is all on him. It was his choice, his utilization of his agency, and when he opted to look outside of his marriage, the sin is on him. There was someone in the plan who was advocating that we not have agency, that we not be responsible for our choices– and that individual fell. Don’t follow the same mentality of the great deceiver.
Hi Keighty. I agree with you, the sin is on him. The very first thing I wrote was that his action was wrong. I aimed to bring to light what may be his perspective and feelings. Understanding his perspective is important in seeking to mend the situation.
Am I wrong? Lynn wrote that ‘everything [I] described [her husband] was going through was correct’. So I maintain that the original husband in Sheila’s article probably feels this way too.
I’m pretty sure the devil was a strong advocate for agency when he chose to stand against God. And I have never heard of him shirking responsibility for his actions. Adam and Eve did that though.
I was bringing to light a broken man’s feelings, which is far more grace than most commenters are willing to offer him.
First visit a lawyer & find our what your rights are. You don’t have to divorce just find out where you stand. Then if she is married contact her spouse & let him know what you’ve found. Don’t tell him you are doing this. Immediately after confront him Tell him it stops now. If he is in ant ministry position tell the pastor right away. He need a swift. & hard wake up call. Shock & awe to get his attention. I am 15 months out from discovering an affair w my husband & I’ve been thru hell with an unrepentant spouse for the first 3 months. There are things I wish I’d done different. But I did all the above except contacting the spouse. I regret that decision. My wayward husband convinced me not to. Wrong choice. I don’t think Id have had those 3 months of torture if Id contacted the other spouse. The husband was covering his own butt & his affair partners as well & they kept in secret communication for a month after I confronted him. They wouldn’t have happened if her husband had known. He even filed for divorce at her urging with plans they’d get together afterward. Of course prayer too. I had several prayer warriors praying with me but it was still excruciating. We have to take action too along with our prayers.
Really, William? We should pity her poor husband because he has been denied the level of physical adoration he prefers? This isn’t about lust, sex or sin, but about a wife who won’t satisfy his sexual needs?
I’m not saying that she’s a perfect wife — she’s human and thus imperfect — but to suggest she shoulder the blame is wildly inappropriate.
You clearly condone or at least sympathize with his actions. This woman is crying out for help after a sickening betrayal, and all you see is a husband who didn’t get enough sex.
I don’t know who I feel worse for – the wife who sent this, or yours.
Hi Quincy. No you should not pity him, but rather understand his perspective on the situation.
I said nothing of his sexual needs. I said that his needs are honor, appreciation and understanding, and that he doesn’t feel these from his wife. I described the feelings which may have lead him to sin in that way.
I did not suggest she was in the blame. The situation I described is not based on the wife’s actions at all. It is based on what the husband perceives, regardless of her actions. It’s like in Gary Chapman’s book where two people love each other but that doesn’t mean they are both receiving that love.
I don’t condone or sympathize with his actions. I sympathize with his feelings because in the past I have felt unappreciated by my wife and it’s miserable feeling. I hope that this man does not give up on his marriage, just like his wife has not given up. I did not see a man in need of sex. I actually said that ‘this isn’t even about sex’. I saw a sad and desperate man, who deserves as much understanding and grace as the rest of us. I don’t think the marriage is a write-off.
I too feel sorry for the wife in question. I also feel hopeful that her marriage can be redeemed, like Lynn’s was.
But why feel bad for my wife? We love and appreciate each other, face challenges and enjoy life together. Getting to this point has been tough. It’s required much hard work, persistent communication and grace. She is worth it, and we are both committed to putting in the effort.
William–I think the point, though, is that you are making a LOT of assumptions about the husband, and that’s what people are reacting to. Nowhere in that synopsis did it say anything about whether or not he was respected or whether or not he was getting his sexual needs met, etc.
In fact, it’s quite often in marriages where the husband has an apparent LOW sex drive that he strays–largely because he’s using porn instead of having sex with his wife, and then he decides to act it out.
Is this the case here? I have absolutely no idea. We have no information to go on. But there definitely are marriages like that. So are there marriages where a husband feels disrespected and he strays? Sure. Are there marriages where a wife desperately wants an intimate relationship, doesn’t get one, and then finds out he’s texting another woman? Sure. It could be ANY scenario, and I think what people are reacting to is that you assumed it was one, when it really could have been a number of others.
I don’t know how I assumed those things since nowhere in my comment did I mention respect or sexual needs. I even said it wasn’t about sex. So it seems just about everyone here is willing to put words in my mouth.
I think the upset over my comment is that I wrote the man’s side of the story (as I said, not to excuse him but because it was given no consideration in the article). I didn’t balance it with the wife’s side of the story because everyone seems to empathize with her already, to say the least.
William, hope you won’t mind if your wife has an affair because she feels ‘unappreciated’ by you. Or maybe a co worker betrays because he/she feels ‘unappreciated’ by you. I hope you really work hard to see that everybody around you feels ‘appreciated’. Well, I don’t think there’s any excuse for immorality in a marriage.
I recently caught my wife texting another man making plans , using excuses why we weren’t getting along , so I got his phone number and called him after I had to sneak behind her to unlock her phone? One indication of her being sneaky, so I confronted him didn’t like his answer so I looked him up on Fb and looked up his wifes Fb and it automatically gave me her place of employment so I called her and asked her if she knew that she was getting a divorce as well and she knew nothing about that, so my wife found out that the mas wife was called and wow she blew up and kicked me out and filed for divoce on that same day just cause she got caught I get the bad end of the stick.
So its not just women that are victims men are too but dont come forward.
JP
I’m sorry to hear that Joe. Sadly I know all too well what you mean. One of my husband’s mistresses that he was “engaged” to when we separated was married – with five kids, two of which weren’t even her husbands (and the other three may or may not have been with her history). Didn’t stop her from cheating on her husband to be with mine. And the most sickening thing? when her husband found out about their affair and got sick of it and dumped her, that was her excuse in convincing mine that he needed to get a divorce – because “women can’t survive without a man” and she “needed” him so she wasn’t alone. I mean there are millions of single men around, and women who sleep around have no problem attracting a man, so why set out to break up a marriage with a man who she knew had a loving wife who had no clue he was cheating and who she knew adored him and believed marriage is for life. She could have had any man, but wanted a married one.
To this day it makes me sick that she tried to use the excuse of her own (second actually) husband dumping her for cheating repeatedly as an excuse to tell my husband to say he had to break up with me to be with her because of the pathetic “women can’t survive without a man” excuse. If women can’t survive without a man, where did she think that would leave. He ignored her, but in the end it was another of his mistresses tactics that split us up – she was telling him to be violent towards to me and our daughter, and when he bashed our 5yo, I had to ask him to leave the house. He in turn shacked up with one mistress then the other and demanded a divorce to marry the second.
But yes, there are definitely women out there who are cheats, women out there who are abusive. The advice for you would be the same good advice given to the women here. Don’t let your wife cheating break your spirit. You’re not alone and you have people who care. Even if we are just strangers on a page.
That’s really sad…..she was waiting for an opportunity to jump in to kick you out. i think women cheat more than men , only difference is that women are very careful and play the Innocent role… sad how people hurt each other intentionally or unintentionally….
Puke, William. He has his own agency, and she did not force him to sin. She could have been the worst wife ever, and his decisions are still his. What you have described is what professionals call “victim blaming,” so pack that right up and be on your way.
Of course she did not force him to sin. They are both victims of sinful nature and she is the victim of his infidelity. That’s quite clear. He and his wife did not have a mutual understanding of love and appreciation. They are responsible for their marital situation. He is responsible for his infidelity. There’s a difference.
To quote a professional, speaking to the victim wife:
‘And if there is anything that you did–even if you were only 5% responsible, as if such a thing could be measured–it’s important to own up and admit that. It helps you break the ice. You’re not blaming your spouse for everything; you’re saying, “we have a problem. I know that I partially contributed to it. I did X and Y, and I am truly sorry, and ask you to forgive me.”
I’m not blaming the victim any more than Sheila is in that quote. I sure don’t appreciate your animosity toward me for expressing the husband’s perspective. I didn’t comment to make a point. I commented to add to the collective understanding of Sheila’s readers. I hope someone appreciates that, and Sheila too, otherwise I really am unwelcome here.
I believe that waiting a little bit to confront is ok. This allows time for emotions to settle down so that the wife can discuss with the husband calmly and rationaly. Also, it gives the wife time to take it to God 1st! That is number one….take it to God…ask God to help the you be able to confront the husband lovingly and gently. (if you disagree, please refer to Galations 6:1-10). Pray, study God’s word on this subject and on how to confront and fast. The husband’s reaction may not be any different, however he will be able to see that she is coming to him calmly and not acting crazy…and hopefully her loving confrontation will point him back to God and be the beginning of restoration.
So true! Great point.
I failed to do that! i called him names when he 1st got got caught…..
Willi8am said-They are responsible for their marital situation. He is responsible for his infidelity. There’s a difference.
No William, ‘they’ are not responsible. HE is responsible. It does take two people to make a marriage work, it only takes one to blow it apart, just ask any wife who is abused, dealing with an addict, someone who has multiple affairs. You can love someone perfectly, and they will still hurt you. Just look at Jesus, He loved perfectly, and some still didn’t believe, and they crucified Him.
Wow, kind of a similar situation over here! I could really use some Christian friends to help counsel me! I love my husband, and we’ve been married 10 years (only by the grace of God!) But I’ve also caught him with text messages, and recently he told an exgirlfriend he wanted to take her out to lunch. He’s always leaving me at home with the kids to go “do stuff” but gets mad when I go play cards on Tuesday nights w some friends. I don’t have any proof other then the texts, and I’ve caught him in MANY lies! I’m trying to give it all to God, but could definitely use some more prayers! Especially for his soul! He doesn’t like me going to church and being so “weird”. Could u pray for us?
Hi Tina, I’m caught up in the same situation as you are. I’m married and I can’t do anything , I can’t go out with my girls or go play pool by myself, but I know my husband is sexting other women and im pretty sure he’s had an affair , he’s pulled away from me , and it isn’t the fact he isn’t getting sex at home, I’ll give him what he wants anytime so I know for a fact men don’t cheat because they aren’t getting it at home , we only been married a year and I don’t know how much more I can take , it hurts so much to feel unappreciated. And so disrespected.
In the past my husband commited adultery. Just recently I saw a message on his phone where he asked another woman out on a date. He also messaged a few other women to tell them we were fighting and he was at a certain hotel drinking beer. The messages were flirting one even gave him a phone number. One he had plans to go pick up for a day of riding his Harley. My question is does this fall under the biblical definition of adultery?
I don’t usually post on these, but I have gone through all of this and am still battling the resentment of it all. I ask God everyday to remove the hurt and resentment, and to change his heart and mind. It is only Him that can make those changes, not me. I cannot change what he did, all I can do is try to forgive completely, as I continue to love him unconditionally. As for the comments that are regarding who is to blame, I do not believe that you can place the blame on the one being chheated and lied to. If the relationship is not at it’s best in any matter, it is still a choice that we each make to remain faithful or to leave. If he was that unhappy, leaving would have been the better choice. Not choosing to keep what he had and keep himself pleased with another. That is in no way her fault. It is in no way her fault that he made the CHOICE that HE did. The problems they already had should have been addressed. And, those are BOTH their responsibility to take. But, in the choice of cheating, lying etc., that choice is not shared by both. Just the one doing it. And, so that problem within the relationship is SOLELY his fault. Not hers by any percentage. As far as the professional statement, it is their job to be bias and not make any one party in the relationship feel “cornered” or defensive. So yes, they are going to place the burden of blame on both parties. I call it BS.
I agree 100% with Jennifer. My husband had an affair 1-1/2 years ago. He had other choices. He could have voiced his unhappiness, moved our, filed fie divorce, sought counseling on his own, ask fir an intervention with his wife with a church friend to help him, written a letter to me, so many other options instead of cheating on me. He bricks my heart & my teen children’s heart just to have ace with a much younger woman. He told us I was his reason fie being unhappy & that he was leaving. he literally destroyed our 28 year marriage & the hearts if his wife & children because he didn’t open his mouth & let me know what was bothering him. It was nor my fault in the least. We are trying to reconcile now but so much hurt & devastation could have been avoided. People need to grow up & speak up & act like adults & take responsibility for their lives & stop blaming others around them for their lack morals. Any spouse whose been cheated in did not have an equal choice in the marriage. I know I would have made changes if my husband had asked for it. I would have done counseling if any kind instead of enduring this pain. But, that would have been too easy. He wouldn’t have gotten his ego stroked by a younger woman or gotten to have sex with her.
Thank you so much for this! I am currently dealing with my husband texting and calling other women. I am feeling like losing all hope and desire to stay married to my husband. We have not been married a year and this is not what I expect from him. Please keep me in prayer! I really need it. Thanks again for this article for I will seek God for comfort. Be bless!
How do you trust again?
Good question…I would like to know this as well, because although he seems repentant I feel like I can’t trust my husband anymore. 🙁
Everyone is bashing William instead of trying to understand his point. My husband had an affair with two other women a year ago and this was a lot of our situation. Is the affair on him? Yes, as far as the choice to go outside the marriage. No one made him do it. Did I do everything I could to affair proof our marriage? I don’t think so after everything I know. Both women were “damaged”, had two kids by two different dead beat dads and no families to help them and worked minimum wage jobs. From the time we dated my husband always made three times my salary. Three years ago is was injured on the job and found himself making a third his salary and I was promoted to a new job meaning I make twice his salary. That was hard for him, and whether anyone agrees or not that’s hard on a man. I come from a broken family so I have always been independent and guarded. The two of these things were no doubt a blow to my husband. I’m more of a non confrontational person (libra in every way) and when my husband would do something that made me mad I would suck it up and let it build. He lost his job when our baby was 4 weeks old. He allowed himself to wallow in his pity party after losing job and stopped helping me with the baby meaning I did everything from getting up four times a night to all her care while also working 40 hours a week and working on my masters degree. I tried to make him happy still as in let him hunt whenever he wanted, take a nap even when I was a walking zombie, and still buy all his toys meaning sacrificing my wants for his because of our changing finances. What happened? It made me resentful towards him. Why should I even be married if I’m in it on my own? Did I tell him how I felt? Not with my words but with my actions. When he would clean the house once in a blue moon I wouldn’t bother to thank him, why should I when he’s doing something I do everyday and he never thanks me. He would want to be intimate and I would but I wasn’t the most into it, of course I’m going to roll over and go to sleep afterwards I have to wake up at 5am and the baby is going to wake up multiple times during the night and he isn’t going to get up I can use all the sleep I can get. Basically I had a lot of my own issues as far as respecting or appreciating him. I didn’t, and didn’t feel like he gave me a reason to. I was wrong on my part for that. It’s marriage and were both adults and keeping score isn’t love. I became detached from him emotionally. My husband didn’t tell me his feelings either. He felt like no matter what he did try to do it didn’t matter. It was only a matter of time before these two women, which he worked with, started talking with him and him with them about their relationship issues. These women made less than him, had nothing, and were emotionally drained from their relationships. It was a knight in shining armour situation all around. When I found out I threw his stuff out, confronted the women, and have him an ultimatum. He said let’s go to counseling, changed his phone number, deleted Facebook, and put a tracking device on his phone if I would just forgive him and try to fix our marriage together. Did this damage me and destroy trust? Yes, believe me three different anxiety and depression meds later I’m sorting myself out. Is our marriage stronger than it’s ever been? Absolutely. We went to counseling, learned our love languages, and really had an awakening about what both of us needed and lacked. Supporting your spouse (Husband and wife) through words of affirmation, listening to each other’s wants and needs, and just being transparent in everything as soon as it happens is the only way to make it work. Marriage is for worse or for better, sickness and health, rich or poor. If both parties are committed to fixing it with God foremost and each other things can be renewed.
Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. I have a eerily similar situation, only it was texting and facebook. We are married and I love him with everything I am, but I am still finding the trust thing to be the most difficult…. It’s mostly because during the time he did this, he never stopped being sweet and loving. He always said the right things and so I didn’t even know that he was having an issue with us… I know that my faith kept me loving him unconditionally, without falter. But, does it get easier?
Like you, I had no clue something was going on. In the weeks before it came out he had even started taking our baby to daycare for me in the morning so I could sleep a little extra. In counseling he came out and said the reason he started doing that was guilt. He had started to realize he was in deeper than intended and didn’t know how to find his way out. We are a year out and did counseling and he has taken the steps needed to reestablish trust but it is still not where it was before. He gets frustrated but it’s like the idea of taking a plate throwing it on the ground and breaking it. Even if you say sorry and put it back together it’s still not what it was before. Something that has helped significantly in rebuilding is the Gary Chapman book Love Languages. You can find it online for free. We learned we have two completely different love languages which was a key issue in our frustrations over the year. The thing he is still having to learn to cope with is he destroyed not just our marriage with the act, he destroyed me. I felt like everything I knew to be true was a lie because the person I would lay down my life for betrayed me. It’s going to be hard for a bit, and then you’ll get to the point where you have triggers that will cause bad days but you can get there. Keep your head up. God promised better or worse and I can tell you we have had a lot of betters since the worse, but HE must be willing to do what you want and need him to do to reestablish trust.
Yep. I still have bad days, and I think women are more prone to being triggered than men when they’ve been betrayed because it’s just the way our psychology is. Really little things can set me off and then my guy is left wondering what he did wrong and why I’m suddenly having a really bad day. Eight months and counting. It took over six months before I started to even see any progress in healing for myself. Still tough, but it’s encouraging to finally see more good days than bad.
I’m a physical touch person, and we’re unfortunately the group that has the hardest time with affairs. If I can do it, the original wife in the article can do it. It’s painful but ultimately worth it.
Confrontation is a good place to start. Actually, it’s the only place to start. But it’s better to start now than to wait for it to get worse.
Thank you so much Kristin! You have no idea how good it was to hear this. I am also a “physical touch” love language. When you mentioned having triggers and going from good to bad this is me. Mine are simple things like hearing a song the other female sent to him on the radio, him using an emoji she uses a lot, even made him get a new truck because I couldn’t get her nasty butt riding in it out of my head. It all sounds so stupid but can literally put me in a down mood for the rest of the day. It really is starting to get easier and as hard as this year has been, I am glad we salvaged our marriage. I feel like now we communicate our feelings more than ever and make a point to be partners in everything.
I feel the same as Dee, you are a mature human being so if you are unhappy about your relationship, partner o whatever the situation may be you should express this to your spouse. Communication is key, even if you feel the other person isn’t listening continue to express yourself in clear calm voice. I am married for less than a year but my spider senses feel my husband may be texting (or worse) with other women. He says he likes women as friends, I don’t mind that at all. I like most of his female friends, the ones he knew before we met/married but I do not understand why he continues to befriend young (barely dressed) females or exes that contact him after years. I told him I don’t appreciate that, that I find it upsetting. I am not befriending handsome, single men or ex boyfriends, I have no need to do that. I have my husband as my bestfriend, that is why I married him. Yet he continues to blame me being insecure. Sure, I may act insecure even though I tell him in a mature way but he continues to keep these “new” friendships from me. Why? We’re married so why this need for a secret online life? He isn’t open about who he befriends, he’s always very cheerful when coming off his phone, secretive with his phone (makes sure I can’t see his screen etc) and he stays out late when he says he leaves work early. Whenever I want to discus it I am being told I am the one in the fault. I am too clingy, than I am too distant, too pushy, don’t respond to his touch always contradicting responses in same conversation that leaves me spinning and wondering “maybe I am a terrible wife” even when I know I am not. He doesn’t like communicating equal, he want to tell me what he needs and I need to obey by it, his rules… my needs do not matter, my wants are demanding and don’t meet his so why do I fuss. I asked God for strength, help and what not except it keeps getting worse. I am sexual, open, listen, grow, try to do what ever he says he needs but I feel I am starting to loose myself, I’m starting to feel numb and every night I cry… he doesn’t seem to care, even tho he says he’s an empath he doesn’t give a ratsass (pardon my French) about my feelings. Sure he spends money on me and spoils me with materialistic stuff, he works hard etc but that is not what makes a husband. He knows I don’t care about materialism, it’s about growing together. Loving and nourishing each other… right now all he seems happy with is his online life and God knows what else. I know I am not it and I need some help from a pastor or minister. I am going to seek help, if not with him than I go alone. Sorry for my little “me” rant.
Not a rant to apologize for. A marriage is made for two and only works with two. When he married you he vowed to forsake all others. He doesn’t need female friends. If they need someone to talk to he could ask you to do it. He is opening the door for negative marriage destroying consequences. Also I have learned that there needs to be 100% transparency in EVERYTHING. If he has a password you should know it. General rule we have is if it isn’t a conversation you would have on speaker phone and with your spouse present, it should not be said at all but especially not to a member of the opposite sex. Also I learned if you gave a gut feeling trust it. But also know this, he must be willing to turn from his actions, ask for forgiveness, and become transparent. If not, it will not work. Will it be your fault? Absolutely not! You cannot be in a marriage alone or with someone who is unfaithful and I strongly believe being unfaithful is not just sex. It’s emotions and words meant only for your spouse as well. Pray about it and talk to someone. Just know you cannot make it work for him.
Thank you Tara, I feel the same, there should be transparency in a marriage. I allowed him to spin me, my words and believes around anytime I ask to talk to each other. It always turns out that I’m a nag, I never listen (and I listen, I hear, I try really hard to not interrupt but it’s never enough) Im always the one in the wrong, immature for finding it strange he has these old ex lovers/ friends as new friends (and than says he accepts them to see if they have something interesting to say or he cuts them loose) I don’t care about his really old female friends (he knows them since diapers, they’re married etc and respect us as a couple). He also finds me immature for not allowing him to have his privacy aka private online life. Why marry me if you want single life? I’ve always been open and honest about my views of marriage, very clear!
Even yesterday he added a new “old” friend/lover who reach out to him so I asked him calmy about her “who’s your new pal?” I don’t wNt to talk about it now (it’s another thing; in past relations he talked about everything and they never appreciated it do he stopped it, I told him I need open and honesty but he’s done with it he now says). I tell him everything, an old friend reach out to me (male friend from when we were kids) I told my husband and talked to him about it and his respond: “yea weird, why befriend him… but it’s up to you”
I definitely need to talk to someone before I explode. I’m new to this part of the world so I’m actually alone (besides my husband) and know no one. I’m going to find a church or outreach and see if I can find someone I can trust. Right now I try to live up to his standards and rules but that’s not healthy at all and not the kind of person I am or want to be.
Right now I feel I cheated myself, I take full blame of everything and that’s just wrong (although I take responsibility for allowing this treatment and my actions). Things need to change, he needs to change instead of thinking he’s sone kind of mister perfect and mister know it all, better than me as he’s been acting the last months. There’s no excuse for his behavior! None, not even being in pain, I am a chronic pain patient and never ever allowed that to treat others disrespectful or as second hand or trash. Thank you, I hope I keep this strength you given me. It’s nice to know people think the same, I was thinking he was right and I was really the “bad guy”.
He wants you to feel like that. Cheating, emotional, sexual, etc is selfserving and wrong. More than likely somewhere inside him he knows he’s wrong whether he admits it or not so he places that on someone else instead of taking ownership. That’s why he puts it on you like you’re the crazy one. It is not I anyway “crazy” to want a faithful spouse. If a person doesn’t want monotony and faithfulness they should not get married. I know your frustration but understand you are not “crazy” for wanting a loyal spouse. Trying is commended but don’t be afraid to stop taking this road if he can’t be faithful. Even religious people realize that while marriage is for life it isn’t meant to be if the other is unfaithful. I don’t know if you are religious or not, I respect people not ideas, but NO ONE deserves a life with someone that does not cherish them or remain faithful to them. Whatever your decision may be like Shelia said YOU will be ok. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. Shame on him for not appreciating someone who clearly cares about being faithful to her husband and showing him unconditional love when your disrespected.
I understand William’s point (I think largely because I also recently read Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages”). At first I was a bit taken aback as well, but I see what he’s saying after a bit of clarification from him. He’s not saying she’s at all to blame for his straying, that ultimately the decision was his, but that he made that decision because he’s in a bad place, and people often reach that bad place because they do not feel loved. I believe he was offering it up as a possibility for why the husband made such a poor decision. It just came out sounding like it was DEFINITELY the reason. I think it’s wise of him to be able to step away from the enormity of the situation and try to look at the deeper issue rather than just the (admittedly horrid) symptom of cheating. If you understand the deeper reasoning behind an issue of that magnitude, it offers some insight into how to fix the problem. Kudos to William for hating the sin and not the sinner.
I’m just now entering this situation in my marriage. I’ve forgiven him twice before. I caught him early this time. Texting and talking to 7 women from an adult website — all within a week!! I’m lost here and hurting. I LOVE my husband. I own that I am not a wonderful wife and have not been great at speaking his love language. We both are opposite in the area of love language. I’m “acts of service” and he’s “touch”.
I explained to him this though: no matter the reason, if you identify a reason to step outside of your marriage —- you don’t step out, you FIX the reason!!
We have two boys (4yrs and 1yr). I don’t want to lose my husband. When confronted, he melted and wept. He called our church leadership and resigned his volunteer positions. He also put himself under accountability with 3 elders/ leaders. He set up weekly counseling. He says he knows he’s wrong and is not asking for me to forgive him until he has “fixed his problem the right way this time”. I desperately want to believe him, but also don’t want to be played the fool only to have him do this again in yers to come. I also don’t want to give in so soon that he doesn’t see the seriousness of the situation. At this point (day 4 since confronting) he knows I’m undecided about going forward with our marriage and that I have biblical right to divorce. He breaks down at the thought of losing his family.
I made I’m move to the guest room for now.
Will I be stupid to “take him back”?
Stupid to divorce?
Why did he put me in this difficult place!!?
Sara this is the same question that plagued me in the beginning and still does when I have a bad day with memories. All I can recommend is he give you all the transparency you need anytime you need it. He made the poor choice, not you. Like you, I owned that I was not always the best wife, but he made a vow for better or worse. I didn’t feel appreciated or loved either but didn’t choose to step outside our marriage. We purchased iPhones after this happened, his idea, so that I could hold him accountable and have a safety net while he earned my trust. The iPhone allows me to receive all texts and track the phone. He is also an avid hunter so to help me with trust while he’s in the woods he only hunts with his dad or grandpa both elders in our church and also sold his stand to buy a ground blind and asks me to go with so we can bond if I’m having a bad day. I’m the end your husband needs to do anything and everything you want and need him to do to rebuild your relationship and restore trust.
I just want to make a comment about those who are saying ‘well, maybe I wasn’t giving him what he needed. that’s why he cheated/strayed/looked at porn.” Baloney. That’s like a person saying “I’m an alcoholic because my spouse won’t give me alcohol.”
my name is rekha i saw yesterday my husband was having sex talks and pics with the girl name yamuna i was really shocked and i didnt sleep yesterday and morning i talked to my husband but it is very painful tome what i want to do please help me.
Thank you for this ! Exactly what I needed to get through what I’m going through.
I was recently involved in a situation where a friend of mine of about 10 years (who was 10 years younger than my wife and I ) began texting/calling me with her relationship problems… First with her boyfriend (who was my friend and co-worker), then with her new boyfriend.
{Editor’s Note: Comment shortened}
As much as I just want this to go away…. I had never touched this woman… Never kissed her… But have virtually destroyed my marriage and, as I write this, am grateful for God’s grace to me. My wife and I are trying to right both of our wrongs and want to be married… I am still in love with my wife and we have four sons… It’s hard… Trust on both ends has eroded… It has been UGLY… But we are in a better place today… I know that, no matter what my wife does to me… I NEVER want to hurt her this was again… I thought emotionL affairs were a “woman’s thing”… Today… I know better… Keep us in your prayers….
Wow. I came here to read an article, perhaps see if guests posts were welcome and I found a comment conversation infinitely more interesting than the article itself (no offense Sheila, it was brilliant BTW)…
I’d like, if I may, bring up a concept that might be useful. One that I’ve used in my own marriage and with my own children.
“No Matter The Thought, Opinions or Impressions of Others, You Have Earned Your Reputation.”
No matter where you are right now, you did (or did NOT do) certain things (and sets of things) to earn whatever reputation you have with someone else.
This could be your wife, husband, child, coworker, friend, anyone at all…and the point is this: If you don’t want that reputation, change change it by consistently changing your actions.
Now, so as not to point fingers or upset anyone, I’ll use myself as the example.
I’m a man. Not “just” a man. I’m a man, a father and a husband. I strive to be the spiritual leader I my home and yet somewhere along the line, I’d lost the confidence of my wife.
Though we talked about it scores of times, nothing I seemed to do made a difference. So I dropped to my knees and begged for answers. What could I do to change my reputation and regain the confidence of my wife?
The answer came to me that my conduct and consistency with women had to be more strict. So that’s what I did. Through prayer and dedication, I made changes in my life that may seem little and insignificant to many (like NO texting the opposite sex except my wife and female family), but it made a difference to ME.
No, my wife didn’t notice. No, I didn’t get “credit” for my actions—but that wasn’t the point. The point was to do the right thing, for the right reason, because God put it in my heart.
That was 20 years ago.
Last year we had a drawn out situation with a friend of the family who needed friends. She chose us. She is a widow of my good friend. When she started coming around with her kids to spend time with another family who loved them, it was…off. Top be kind and respectful, I’ll leave it at that.
My wife loves her to this day—but as the ups a downs, pains and drama played out, my wife was nearly beside herself. For myself, it was like walking through a field on a warm spring day without a care in the world. You know why?
Because I knew my place and refused to vary from it.
When asked to text this sister in the Gospel, I said, “That’s not possible, but I’m happy to text your kids to send a message.” She thought I was nuts. She’s probably right, but I’m happy this way (smirk).
Here’s the point: At the end of the…challenge…I was working in my office downstairs and my wife came in, sobbing. I’m talking the type of crying that has my stomach in knots and I’m ready to kill something in her behalf.
I asked her what was wrong, but she dropped to her knees and rested her head on my knee and cried even louder.
Frankly, I was pretty darn scared.
“Sweetheart, please…you’re scaring me,” I whispered.
She looked up at me and gave me the deepest heartfelt apology I’ve ever heard…but I was confused.
“You’ve been so strong and consistent while we’ve been going through al this craziness and in my personal prayers, I thanked God for you being consistent during this trial….and a small voice pierced my heart. It said, ‘Oh my darling daughter, he’s always been that way.’”
This beautiful, wonderful woman, whom I adore more than life, looked up at me and said, “I’m so sorry I didn’t notice you. That I didn’t notice your consistency.”
Men, let me tell you…I had 20 years of hurt and discouragement heal in the blink of an eye…and our marriage reached a whole new level of trust, confidence and love.
It won’t come soon and it won’t come easily…but the changes we make, when we do them for God, are the ones that matter. I personally believe, in the end, will be remembered.
If couples being mentioned in these comments can get help—and it’s not too late, I suggest both parties consider the reputation they might have with one another. Look upward and then work to change that reputation.
Hope the best for everyone here.
God Bless.
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My husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce 2 weeks after our 30th anniversary. I was shocked. He swore there was no one else. We tried for 2 weeks but I found out he was texting a co-worker 20 to 30 times per day. I asked him to leave. The first time he cried was when he thought I was going to hurt the co-worker. He once said he thought he loved her. They are both execs and could lose their positions or be very embarrassed. A lot of business hours were spent texting. We have been separated 7 months and are going to counseling when he is in town – he travels a lot for work sometimes with her. He was a very kind person and good husband prior, maybe almost too self sacrificing. He says I was too critical of him which is why he has no remorse. He has set up a nice apartment and says he wants to see if he can live on his own. I appear to be the backup plan. I have a good job and will be financially ok. He says he cares about me still but fell out of love last year. I have the texting records so coincidentally at the same time he started the texting. Her husband doesn’t know and she told me her marriage was happy when I called her. She said she will not stop communicating with my husband because he needs her. My husband says he is not ready to file for divorce. His relationship with our son who is a High School Senior has been harmed by this situation. How long do I wait for him to move off the fence? Do I tell the co-worker’s husband?
Yes, you tell the co-worker’s husband! Absolutely. They are living in a fairytale land and that needs to come crashing down. When everything is brought to light often these things fix themselves because people realize they’ve been living a fantasy. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and it is really terrible. I hope that you can get some support around you to help you through this really difficult time.
SOnething similar happened to me at 28 years. She was 22 years younger than me. Everything was my fault. He blamed me for his cheating. They all blame their spouse. Helps with the fantasy.
Yes! Tell the co workers husband. He has a right to know his wife is unfaithful.
Don’t wait on him. Take care of yourself. Go no contact with him. Go to counseling for yourself and your son. Separate you’re finances & move on. If he comes back later and is very remorseful maybe you can work on your marriage then, but stop all counseling & contact with him now and protect your heart & your sons heart. Let your son decide if he wants to be on contact with his dad. Don’t force him. they really are in fantasy land!
Thank you everyone! We are talking about this issue. I need to confront and talk with God a lot more.
My husband left our home the end of September. Since he has moved out he was in constant contact with a co-worker (he works 24 hour shifts) by texting and calling multiple times a day. He claims they are just friends and I want to believe this. This relationship has since died down, but now he is texting another female co-worker quite a lot (like from 5pm-11pm). I have actually contacted this female. She says they are truly just friends, and never meant any harm to me. He has never given my any reason to believe he was unfaithful to me at any point of my marriage, other than him wanting his “privacy” on his cell phone. He refuses to show me any of his texts with anyone, male or female. When I confront my husband about this, he says he can talk to who ever he wants and will no longer live in the “cage” I have put him in. He also says he no longer loves me or has feelings for me and will do whatever he wants no matter if it hurts my feelings or not, but in the same breath says he does not want a divorce.I want to believe there is nothing more to this, but the texting has been so excessive. Every book I read, says one person has to be the first to change. Do I change and allow him to continue these relationships, friends or not? Or do I put my foot down and tell him he has to change. I want my marriage to survive and if me showing him trust is what I need to do, do I sacrifice my emotional well being for a while to try to change? I do know I will not allow him to move back home until he is willing to be transparent about everything with me.
CeeCee, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! Let’s take a step back for a second, though, and look at the bigger picture. Do you think God wants you both to learn how to truly love and look more like Jesus, or to just go through the motions? He wants us to grow to look like Him. If you enable sin, you don’t help someone grow more like Jesus. You just let them go further and further down a road away from God–and away from marriage.
Your husband is violating his marriage vows and your trust, even if there has been no physical affair yet. Setting a firm boundary is the right thing to do for BOTH of you. Your husband needs to understand the consequences of his actions. A great book about this is Love Must Be Tough–if you want a real marriage back where you both respect and honor each other, you need to show him that he can’t flirt with and grow relationships with other women.
So I think you’re right to set that boundary of transparency. It’s for both of you!
I have actually read the book- twice. I’m so conflicted. Yes, I believe God wants us to love like him and yes I believe God truly wants our marriage to work. My relationship with God has grown so much since we have been going through this. But how am I supposed to respond to my husband right now? Do I cut off all contact with him until he sees what he is doing? Do I continue to have contact with him? Is cutting off contact with him the kind of unconditional love God really wants me to show? Do I stop communication with him until he is willing to become transparent with me? I really know he is going to have to hit rock bottom before he will really truly see what he is doing to his family.
I was recently caught by my wife inboxing women on fb. Saying horrible things I never slept with any of the women never even went out with any, at the time it felt good being appreciated and noticed. Fb allowed me to be a different man, these women had no clue about me losing my job or becoming ill. I never wanted to hurt or lose my wife. I’m now in the process of trying to win her back, she seems to be done. Although I have found her in some con promising situations 2 wrong don’t make it right. I really want my marriage to work. I pray that she can forgive me!
Mark. I hope you are reading “How to help your spouse heal from your Affair” and enacting those ideas. You need to get some individual counseling and figure out why you needed this escape and find healthier coping mechanisms for yourself. Even if your wife is done, you need to be a safe partner for any future relationships. You need to work on you. You can let your wife know you are sorry and wish to reconcile, but you need to get you straight first. Couples can reconcile after divorce if she is willing.
Looked on my husband phone found he was texting another female but you tell their were other messages so erased some messages. Of, course I confronted him he says it’s oh it’s just a friend seeing how she doing it didn’t sit right with me so I contacted the phone The contact name was enough for me but when I asked who this is and why was she texting my husband she immediately texted as if she had a attitude. I asked if she please not text my husband no longer she text my husband that I text her now he’s mad
I have no idea how I came to this page, but am sorry to say I’m with the cheated-on group.
One of the retaliations is for them to get mad and scream about you getting into his email or whatever. Deflection.
I’d just print it and (in the presence of someone YOU trust, not both of you, YOU) just hand it to him.
Keep in mind that no matter what, they CHOSE to cheat, which makes them self-indulgent, a liar, and a sneak all at the same time. And totally disrespectful of you. If they didn’t think they were doing wrong, why were they sneaking? Why was the whole thing a secret?
They are ONLY sorry because they get caught, not because of what they CHOSE to do.
You should ask yourself deep in your heart if you can live with someone you’ll never totally trust again. You are bigger than living that lie.
I have three children and I’ve been with father of my children off and on for 13 years. For the reasons being he has put his hands on me and caught him texting other women on cell and fb and going on erotic website ect. Recently I had went on his phone not expecting to snoop but what came to my attention was a female name in his text messages, so I read on and really inappropriate things were said , so right there and then I confronted him. He was so quick to hug me and apologize saying things like he didn’t mean it and it was nothing . I told him his just a liar and a cheat and I don’t want nothing to do with him , because this isn’t the first time his done this . It’s like just when I thought everything was going good and then something again . I don’t know why he does this to me but I’m tired of making excuse for him , and feelin like it’s always my fault or feeling guilty if I ever decide to leave him and ruin our family . But I figure by now if he hasn’t learned that it’s wrong and that he know it’s wrong but he still decides to do this then he should just take a step back and think about what he really wants. I am tired of making excuses on why he does this to me and I know I am a good girl and what not but in the end he chooses me and tell me he loves me . I just feel now that his done this to me so many times and I keep takin him back that every time this occurs all he has to do is tell me what I want to hear, but then were good for a bit and then something again . Please help .. I do love him a lot or I should say care about him a lot but I can’t keep letting him hurt me like this ….
As ashamed as i may be wroting this. I was the man doing this. My wife found out and i have attempting to pick up and piece together my life. I am not proud of this but i did learn that as innocent as it my have started out i soon found myself in this hole. I am not saying to forgive and forget but if a man can see his errors then he can improve himself. As i am attempting to this very moment. But maybe to fogive him as a person and move forward from this. Not to forget but to use it as a gate to a new beginning. This is the hardest thing i have ever faced in my life but i can’t stop now. If you do catch your loved one in this situation do not confront them with anger. That will xause them to shut down. Get professional help and let them know both of you can grow from this and move forward.
my husband derives pleasure in having female friends wch he will always attach different forms of endearments when addressing them, he sees notin wrong wt that as a married man. smtyms wn i get tired of it all n confront him, he either keeps quiet n says i’m worrying for noting…now he deletes messages n hide calls 4m me, he’s always interested in their love life n sex life. he now lies like never b4 about them using d
excuse of he doesn’t like d way i react to them. smtyms he says it’s d way he grew up……i use busyness , prayers or wtever to distract myself 4m d hurt n pain. i believe in emotional n friendship fidelity in marriage…..wt can i do
I just found out after 20 years of marriage that my husband started a relationship with a women While he was at work and for the past 10 years he has had 3 children with her and I just am so upset but don’t want to rock the boat we too have 4 kids he tells me he’s working on Saturday but secretly is with them? He comes home every night and pays the bills but I want him to spend more time as a family with us and get back to living is this possible p.s he is Hispanic and I have 2boys she has all girls
Oh, Candy, that’s so hard. That’s a major betrayal. Here’s the thing, though: it’s not a real relationship or a real marriage if he isn’t with you. Your husband needs to do right by all the children that he fathered, but to let him have the equivalent of two wives is not right. I highly recommend the book Love Must Be Tough for women in your situation. It’s all about getting yourself strong, getting supports around you, leaning on God–and then helping your husband see the consequences of his actions so that hopefully he will make the right choice. But even if he doesn’t, you’re still in a much better place.
My husband lied to me for 15 years about his porn, masturbating, and mistresses. I never found any proof, but I knew in my gut something was wrong. It wasn’t until an angry husband of one of his mistresses came to my front door with a transcript printed out that I finally had proof. The woman was my children’s “Christian” youth leader to boot. We went to counseling. I grew up in a split home, and my husband’s parents were never married (one night stand). It has been six years, and it’s been a struggle to rebuild the relationship. I don’t trust him one iota. He has a smart phone that can only be accessed through biometrics aka his face. I had a hunch one night that something was amiss, I tried to access his phone, but it wouldn’t work on his sleeping face. I woke him up and told him to unlock his phone because I wanted to see what was on it. He was taking longer than it should have. I asked him, “You are deleting things, aren’t you?” He replied that he deleted a confidential conversion between him and a student. (YEAH RIGHT!) He’s told me about students having abortions before. It doesn’t get more private than that. I told him, “You know what this looks like, don’t you?” He acknowledged that it made him look guilty as hell. He tried deleting it by being sneaky, too. I don’t know what the truth of it was. I never will. Yesterday while we were getting ready for Church, I heard his phone buzzing on his dresser. I can’t access his phone, but his smart watch was beside it recharging. It was this young single enrollment lady from his workplace. “Whatcha doing?” was the message. It seems harmless enough, but what business does this chicky babe have asking that of a married man on Sunday morning? I confronted my husband immediately, demanded the woman’s phone number, and called it. I asked her if she always calls married men first thing in the morning. She denied doing it. I told her who I was and the man she texted. Then she said that she is barely an acquaintance of his. I’m thinking to myself, “So you text men you don’t know early in the morning?” It isn’t cute. It isn’t innocent. It isn’t harmless. I’m so weary of people doing stupid, selfish, things like this. I swore that I would not turn out like my parents. I will not have my kids growing up in a split home. I will endure whatever hell I must to prevent that. I’m to the point that I will stay, raise my kids, and when they are adults and able to care for themselves, I (I had typed what I would do here but thought better about it). I’m done with this life. I just returned home from caring for my mother who died from vulvar carcinoma. Her case was a classic HPV cancer case. It was horrific. The cancer literally ate away her entire vulva. It was open. All her friends were so angry with God for why? Why? She slept around and caught HPV. That’s why! I am so sick of paying for the sexual sins of other people.
Nicole, I’m so sorry you’re walking through this. Such heartache with your mom, and such betrayal from your husband! That’s so, so sad.
Just two quick things: You guys seriously need to sit down with a third party and talk this through and set some pretty firm boundaries. And second, he needs to change the passcode to his phone so that you have complete access to it. That kind of secrecy is NOT okay. I’d make these “make it or break it” issues really. You need to rebuild a marriage where you can talk to each other and trust each other and you can’t do that the way things are. I admire your desire to stay together for the kids. I really do. But don’t give up trying to get something more. You all deserve that. So put your foot down and say, “this stops now”, and drag him into counseling. And throw out the phone if you need to. But fight for your marriage, don’t just tolerate this. You’re worth more than that, and your kids are, too. And doing nothing lets your husband walk down a path of real self-destruction.
I came on here looking for help on how to move forward after I found my husband of 11 years had been texting, and possibly meeting, a woman from work. Like an idiot I looked her up on social media, though never contacted her, and now I feel so so low. She is nothing like me and now I feel old, fat and ugly and I can’t shift this feeling (its been nearly two weeks since I found out).
I don’t want my marriage too be over and he is trying his best to make it work and we have spoken about the some of the why’s but he has just lost a close family relative and I feel so trapped in my decisions. I don’t want to hurt our children even more, as they are grieving the loss too. I feel like such an idiot and pushover!
I don’t know what to do. Maybe wait until after the funeral, and then reassess? any advice would be greatly received.
Thank goodness for this thread and thank you to all that shared your stories.I have felt so alone and like the only person going through these very same thing.One thing I must ask thoug.h and didn’t really see was flip flopping,my husand acts at first he’s trying to change and rebuild trust but he reverts back to secretive and suspicious sometimes i feel like its just a game.I feel llike a p.i. in my own house it hurts so much i feel like giving upon ever trusting him againe just keeps doing sos but begs for me to stay is that common.y we have no kids together and he claims i am a terrible wife so why sneak around just leave.
It sounds like he may be continuing the affair
I found texts on Facebook and on my husbands phone between him and a female coworker. He told her she had a nice ass, that she was sexy, sent her big heart eye emojies, etc. He works for Honda and they rent out Six Flags for employees and their families once a year. When we got home I went into the house while he pretended to sit in the car so he could listen to the football game (We don’t have TV, just Netflix). But later I found the half hour long text conversation he was actually having during that time. He sent her a kiss emojie, told her she had looked pretty, asking her how soon after he saw her she had left, and told her she should be his sugar momma but she didn’t have to pay him. He claims it was all innocent joking around, that he talks to all the girls at work like that and that it was never physical. I told him 1) I don’t care if it wasn’t physical, it already wen to far 2) You obviously DON’T talk to all the girls like this, at least not outside of work, because there are no texts to them on your facebook/phone. I was willing to forgive what he had done immediately, in fact, the way I confronted him was by saying “I want to believe these are innocent but I would be lying if I said my heart wasn’t pounding right now.” But I know that sometimes people cross lines withough realizing it and was willing to beleive this was one of them. That it really was meant as innocent flirtatious joking and only in hind sight did he see how it was wrong. But it took him a month to even admit it was wrong. For that month he was giving excuses and telling me my feelings weren’t justified. He used to be a methodone addict (went into rehab 3 months ago) and one of his excuses was that now that he is clean his emotions are coming back and he wants to cut up and flirt, but these texts I found went back a good six months prior to him going into rehab. A month after finding out about the coworker he still had her phone number in his phone. When I said something he said she was such a sweet girl he didn’t want to hurt her. 1) She’ll never know if you sill have her number so she can’t be hurt by it. 2) So you’d rather hurt me by keeping the number? Finally, I took the initiative and deleted the number. Unfortunately, he has transferred his dependancy from methodone to alchohol. After repeated instances of him driving drunk I locked him out of the house and had his brother come and get him. He spent the night there. I am happy to report he hasn’t driven drunk since. About a week later his pawpaw died. He took a nerve pill to deal with is and then mixed it will alchohol. He became very verbally abusive and while we were in the car together kept reaching out and jerking the wheel around (I was driving). I was worried that we’d get the attention of a cop at best and end up in a ditch at best. I shouldn’t have done it, but I fisted my hand and thumpped him 3 times on the arm/shoulder while yelling “Stop it!” He responded in kind. That time I kicked him out for the entire weekend. The next weekend we went to one of his coworkers birthday parties at a club. After the party had ended (And he had drunk 11 beers, a shot, and two mixed drinks) he decided to hit on a girl at the club. I let him sleep it off in the car that night. I believe in your vows, for better or worse. So things have ended up being worse, but that doesn’t mean that I should quit. I’m trying to be strong and work towards fixing things, But it’s hard when it doesn’t feel like he’s putting in any effort. I went through 10 years of methodone use with him, I don’t want this to be what beats us.
“Confronting” sounds like a dangerous word. Ladies, if you are angry and try to “confront” your husband, chances that he is going to run into the arms of that other woman.
“It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman” Proverbs 21:19
You must forgive first. Recognize that he may have done the thing you fear worst. Accept it, then ask yourself, “do I want to stay married?” Do I love this man enough to fight for our marriage. If you need help with the forgiveness part I wrote more about it here: http://wp.me/p4Xa3y-6l
Once you have forgiven him in your heart, you can speak to him from a place of love.
I found another text message from another woman in my husband phone. This isn’t the first time, but I always get over it. When I confront him he gets real mad raise his voice and calls me names. I’m to the point where I’m ready to end this marriage. We been married almost 4 years now. He seems to think that texting and talking to other women isn’t cheating.
I was married for 23 years to my first husband & had four children & adopted another. He cheated on me many times and I found out about three of his affairs before I finally divorced him. I got married to my 2 husband and we have been married going on 8 years. I have caught him sending emails to women saying he is single and looking for a woman, I also have caught him texting other women asking them for pictures of them. I forgot to mention that my husband has erectile disfunction and I have learned to do things I would not have done to make him happy if I wasn’t a loving and caring wife. We have been through a lot and he is so loving and giving. He tells me wonderful things about me all the time. He says he is so thankful for me and that I am his soul mate. So I am so confused because he says one thing and is doing other. We do everything together. I don’t trust him. I love him and because of his actions I am not in love with him. Thinking very seriously about leaving him. I have already dealt with a physical cheater and now I am dealing with a online /text cheater I already have low self esteem. I just don’t understand why? Help please.
Christine
My wife accused me of sending flirty texts to another woman today. She took my phone and looked at them – they were to a woman who was a previous co-worker who was going through a divorce when I began working there, and would often be very upset at work but trying to keep it together. I was friendly with the entire staff and no longer work there – and I do miss them because they were all nice people.
Now let me say this – I am tech savvy, I don’t hide my phone and I certainly understand that I can delete texts but I never felt I had anything to hide. I would often text this woman an answer to something – she might tell me she had a date or something – and I’d send back an encouraging message. Some of them sound a little friendly when read back to me – and certainly with the rage of a woman scorned, they sound worse – but I never asked her what she was wearing, never anything of a sexual nature – mostly just stuff like if I was a friend – saying I know it must be hard being a single mom with kids (as I have two friends who are single dads with kids and it IS hard for them too!).
I guess they DO sound flirty, and I admit that some of them give off that vibe, but I’d NEVER do anything like that. I actually really like my wife – yes I love her – but I actually LIKE her. She’s funny, beautiful, a great mom and my best friend. I can’t imagine my life without her to be honest – but now I’m in the doghouse.
My point is, I’m not a cheater and maybe your husband or wife isn’t either. If anything I’m guilty of just trying to make somebody feel better who’s going through a tough time. I know it’s not my job to do that – but that’s just the kinda guy I am.
I do want to address the pornography thing. I’m sorry to tell you ladies that your guy is probably looking at porn. We HAVE to touch that damn thing. It’s just that, we have to. It’s in our nature. Maybe your guy is looking at porn and NOT cheating on you. Looking at porn is not cheating on you; cheating on you is cheating on you. Instead of getting mad at him for looking at porn, maybe you should just touch yours a little more and maybe watch it too. It’s not going to kill you. God’s not watching because he/she/it doesn’t care that much. If people are getting shot up in a nightclub or at church or wherever, God’s not caring about that too much either. So you watching something that helps you have some fun, well, go for it. If I’m wrong and you end up in Hell, well, I’m certain I’ll be there and I’ll owe you a coke…and won’t my face be red!
HELLO EVERYONE, WAS GOING OVER ALL THIS READING MATERIAL AND GOT TO THINKING SO MUCH ABOUT MY MARRIAGE TO MY HUSBAND. We’ve been together 4 years now, married 5 months now & I’ve been seeing my husband text another woman. Though he says its just an honest relationship, the fact that he’s been lying to me, saying he doesn’t speak with her anymore its only on a basis matter he still connects with her.
He sees no wrong in it. He says he’s guiding her thru the right path, showing her Gods path & all he continues to reach out to her but not in that way. I love my husband, I’m devoted to our marriage, I respect him and our marriage but it seems as if he wants both his cake and to eat it too.
These women live in other states, but to know that another woman has his attention bothers me very much including his lies. He punishes our kids for lying yet he is a hypocrite and lies just as much.
What to do. I’ve asked God for guidance and a best friend.
I’m sorry that so many of you have been cheated on and have gone / are going through such hard, hurtful times. I’ve been married to my husband for 2 years, and it’s honestly really discouraging and terrifying to read all these stories, because it seems to me that it happens to tons of people, and it’s ‘just a matter of time’ for me. Stories of spouses cheating after 2 years of marriage, after 15 years, after 30 years. I never want to go through that pain or betrayal, yet it seems almost impossible. I believe my husband and I are currently happily married, we do quite well with communicating openly, enjoy spending time together, encourage, support and respect one another, and have good sex, although we both agree we should have it more often.
Yet a lot of you say that you never knew your husband that cheated was unhappy. If it happens to me, will I know? And then Notta Cheater saying it’s in men’s nature to watch porn? I’d like to think some men don’t watch porn, but then I read comments like this who says all men do it, married or not.
It feels like there’s no hope for a couple to go through life together without suffering in this way. I understand that there will be hard times and struggles, but I’d personally prefer not to have to deal with this particular struggle (infidelity). I don’t trust easily, and I don’t know if I could ever trust again if I was betrayed in this way.
Could we also have inspiring and encouraging stories of couples who have been married a long time and haven’t struggled with this particular struggle? And maybe thoughts from those men so I can be assured that there ARE some men out there who really don’t watch porn, love their wives and don’t want to cheat on them (emotionally or physically), and communicate honestly and healthily, etc.
I’m going through a similar experience and was googling my husband’s behavior in order to find some resolve within myself. I’m a good, smart and caring wife…..we had planned a good life and I thought everything was great. Until I found some Facebook messages between him and a younger woman and it was exasperated when he asked her for her number and they’ve been texting everyday for a little over a month. It’s been seemingly innocent until today…..they’ve made tentative plans to meet up for a drink when she gets back into town. When I first confronted him about the texts, he denied having feelings for her and she’s just a friend. I noticed he changed her name in his phone to a guys name so it would be inconspicuous. I keep trying to tell myself it’s harmless but my gut feeling is to run for the hills with our baby. I’m very heartbroken and can’t bring myself to confront him head on about the specifics. I love my husband but I’m not going to be the fool who keeps a good home only to be disrespected for the sake of his ego.
My Husband and I are in the process of rekindling our marriage of 24 years. I am to blame here due to my neglecting him over the years. No affection and no intimacy (well rarely).
None the less he told me he went on Craigslist to find someone to talk to who was in a similar situation, because he has no close friends close by.
He found a woman or two and he stated it has helped him get through the past few months.
Let me say here he is a very honest person and he has NEVER cheated on me.
Anyways I am going to counseling to get my marriage back on track he is up for going with me when I say I want him to. Our two kids are well aware of whats going on, although not details.
Tonight I came home very tired from work around 8 ish. I sat with him on the couch however I felt so tired I went upstairs to lay down. He came up and lay with me to see if I was ok.
At midnight I woke up and went downstairs to ask him if he had our daughters schedule for tomorrow ( had asked him during the day to get this). He jumped up and began looking.
Meanwhile his phone was there so for the first time ever I picked it up to see who he was texting.
A woman. I went upstairs to be stop him from waking up our daughter and I asked him who is (name) he ignored it the first time then I asked again. Just someone I talk to! I told you I was talking to people I need to its. Why cant you talk to me, we do he says. HE asked me if I read through the whole thread, no just what I saw Hi Darlin its people from the south they talk like that.
I had a panic attack went into the bathroom to blow bubbles as I call it.
I believe him however why did I feel like this and why have I not been able to sleep since then. % hrs ago?
He hugged me I hugged him he told me it was just that they are helping each other and she is in a situation she cant get lout of.(telling me we re ok).
I am still sick to my stomach and cant get it off my mind. I want to lick up his phone not sure if he changed his password. I want to ask him to show me the entire conversation, at the same time I don’t want to jeopardize the headway we have made these past three weeks.
He stayed for over 7 yrs hats true love and he still loves me. He even got me a card today after 16 of my sticky notes, grateful foe one. He is not fake he really has fallen out of love with me but we are trying to save this I have never fell out of love wit him I just got angry, frustrated etc etc. Just not realizing I was pushing him further away.
Hey Angie, don’t blame yourself. When there is a problem in marriage we need the talking. Your husband could have talked to you and let you know how he feels. But he took a unacceptable route. Counselor is a great way to start, good luck!
My marriage of 16 years is falling apart because I confronted my husband texting 24/7 with his female colleague from office. I blamed myself for this for a longtime, thinking probably I was not friendly or available to him or pushing him away when he wanted intimacy. I am short tempered and hence there are times we have terrible fights but then we apologize and move on. So, I had no clue he was finding emotional comfort in someone else. When I confronted him, he told me I was never nice with him, he needs someone to talk to and he is just friends with her. I blamed myself and still have that feeling hanging around my neck. I tired all options, to go counseling with him or take a break but seems like he is not willing to do anything but wants us to stay together and pretend nothing has happened. He is also friends with him female friend but has stopped texting all the time or hiding his conversations with her. I am frustrated, so even though he is a good man and never done something like this before I am planning to divorce him. I simply cannot live a lie!
My husband is texting other woman from a date sight and when I asked he didn’t do it then I caught him texting a females asking her where does she live and he would like to get to know her better what should I do and he put a pass word on his phone so I can’t get in it plz I need help and when I do say some thing he gets mad and talks about my past I’m sick of it I’m about to say bye for good so plz help me I’m lost hurt sick and done of this crap
My husband has cheated on me for 14 years. With new friends, old friends, Facebook friends, hookups, hookers. I’ve found evidence of many of the instances: pictures of his genitals corresponding to specific text messages, actual text messages asking a woman out, phone logs, text logs, pictures of other women, etc. Dozens of women. Multiple “types” of cheating. But apparently since I’ve never caught him in the sack with another woman, in his eyes he can still explain things away. We have two children. I’m at my wits end. I can’t believe I’ve put up with it for so long. It has destroyed our marriage, my trust, me. We have two children. Two.
Thanks for writing this! I googled help in this area after finding texts on my husbands phone. I needed that first reminder that I need to run to God first, and that I do need to bring it to the light. Thank you for empowering women to be strong!
Hello ! My name is Leilah I been married not even a year . Everything was good till now I caught my husband cheating texting other woman’s so I confronted him and of course I got the blame I was crazy insecure so what I did I got a fake number and I text him and I’ve been having long conversations with my husband but he thinks he’s having a conversation with at the from woman in the things he said it’s just hurt me so much that every time I text back my heart cries out I’m a Christian woman and I’ve been trying to put my life together for the longest time but the more that I do I feel like I’m wasting my time and I’ve been trying to put everything in gods hands and praying but I don’t know if he I’m doing it the right way I need help and I cried out for help to got in my my heart just get sad and sad .
Leilah, I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this. But please, stop pretending to be another woman. You’ve made your point. If you keep down that road it just makes everything worse. You need to get on the up and up and talk calmly to him and tell him that you found this and it is NOT acceptable. And I’d get some help, like maybe an older woman who can pray with you first or an older couple who can come and talk to both of you together and help you through this. But keeping going on with fooling him will really only make it worse. I’ll pray for you.
I want to leave a comment to all you hurting wives. Earlier this year I was in a similar situation with my husband lying to me, texting other woman etc, it was destroying our marriage. The Lord lead me to read the book “Love Must Be Tough” by Dr James Dobson. I realised the although God hates divorce, we are not meant to just accept the mistreatment that our husbands may throw at us. By carefully following the advice laid out in the book, I was able to save our marriage. I can now say that my husband and I are happily in love and enjoying our marriage.
Halley, I couldn’t agree more! That’s a great book that shows that the best way to save your marriage, ironically, is by letting people face the consequences of their actions, even if it doesn’t feel “nice”.
your advice may help me. I found out 3 1/2 weeks ago that my husband of 24 years was texting a female co-worker back and forth from early morning- mid day – evening – late evening. It started between Christmas and New Years of 2016. I saw our iphone statement with this # repeadedly. I was shocked, looked into it and found out it is a speech therapist for high school students where he is a campus officer. I was devestated. I tried to contact her on that # and her husband answered stating it was his wife’s phone. I let him know what I found out. My husband was extremely angry denying everything and saying they are just ‘friends’. He was very angry that her husband made her stop speaking or seeing him and it was my fault. He insists he did nothing wrong, in other words they didn’t have sex. He has been kinder to me this past week but I do not know if it is because he is pacifying me until time goes by or he is sincere in rebuilding our relationship. What hurts most is his denial and not wanting to give up that ‘friendship’. I am so tempted to contact her to let her know how she destroyed me with my husband and stole my knight and shining armor away from me. But I have been told not to approach her at all that it would cause more problems. So I have to go on trying to deal with this while she sits real pretty knowing they both were tickling each other’s ego and possibly going down the road to a much more relationship if it wasn’t for her husband stepping in. I really need advice.
my husband chats regularly with girls
Hello. I have a question in this story it’s the husband who was texting or sexting another women. What if it’s the wife and you have sinking or let’s say circumstantial evidence she’s been with other men? How long before or should a person hold on to saving the marriage? We have been married 26 years last year she moved out on the 24 of February 2016, and is still gone! Just want to try and understand why I can seem to let go and is it the right thing to do even?
My husband is a pastor, and we are pastoring a church.
He would often lie to me, and even verbally abuse me.
I know what he’s doing is wrong, and I have already confronted him about that. And also prayed for him. Infact we pray together every morbi g. But he would still makes all kinds lie.
I have not shared this to anyone because I want to protect our marriage.
But it keeps on happening. What should I do?
Thank you.
Hi Evelyn, that’s so hard, and I’m so, so sorry! I’d point you to these two posts: My Husband is a Pastor/Missionary and using porn, and 10 truths of emotionally destructive marriages. They may help more. I know the first one is about porn, and that’s not your problem, but the issues are very similar in terms of a man in spiritual authority sinning, and what do you do? My book 9 Thoughts that Can Change Your Marriage can also help, especially the section on being a peaceMAKER rather than a peaceKEEPER. I think you may find some good principles there! And again, this really is horrible and lonely. I just pray that you’re able to get some help, because that simply is not okay what you’re going through.
– I recently saw that my husband , who I have been married to for 3 months now , messaging a “stranger” because he goes on about how he just SAW her once but they never talked . They both were sending nudes back & forth .. the question that doesn’t escape my mind is ..” why now ??? Why would he do this now that he is married & has a 9month old child ? Why ??” It was his brilliant idea to have his Facebook messenger on my phone & mine on his because he said & swore that I was the one doing this . He would talk about how I’m too friendly to everyone & im also too friend & laugh at all of my BESTFRIENDS HUSBAND jokes . When I ask him about what he did , he just gets pissed off at me & asks me to be quiet to forget about it & forgive him because quote “I wasn’t thinking straight , I don’t know what happened” . Anyways , my question is ; should I confront her as well ? Or just him ?
I am writing about a dear friend of mine her husband has
been talking to some woman on the internet for 5-6 mons
now and my friend is staying upset and I know she needs
to leave him they have been married for 30 yrs and they have
kids and grandkids he threatens to leave all the time but never
does. He talks to this woman all the time and he does not hide
it. He says he’s not going to quit. I hate seeing my friend go thru
this. I know I couldn’t. I know it would be better if they parted
any advice here would be appericated
Three weeks ago I found out by change my husband of 3 yrs has been texting another woman. He says she is an old friend and the texts are innocent and not flirtatious. But the amount of texts and times (early morning and only during his work hrs.) make me doubt. Also why did he kept it a secret? why delete all the messages? I am hurt, angry, ashamed, etc. When I try to ask questions he becomes defensive and says he did do wrong but was not unfaithful and gets angry that I just can’t drop it. Now he plays the victim and says he’s leaving. What am I guilty of?
I am a Christian. I believe in putting God first and trusting God. I have been married almost 18 yrs. we are legally separated now because my husband is not able to fully let go of his emotional affair. He has done everything but sex. He said he is just limiting himself to just texting. This is absolutely not okay. We are both hopeful in restoring the marriage. I understand I always did not show him the love and affection he needed. He also struggles with alcohol. Please give me some wise counsel.
hi i have a problem with my husband,everytime i see text messages on his phone,it’s either he is sending a message to a woman or the woman sends him a message and everytime i hear different stories that it’s a colleague but what i don’t understand why would his colleague call him love and he replys back to her as love,what gets me angry is my husband married to him for 22 years has not once called me love …but can call another woman love when i confronted him about that,he simply told me that a woman has to win her way to be called love so which mean married for 22years i have no place in his heart if he can put other woman in it…i feel so angry,traumatised and this has been going on as forever and everytime he lies to me …please give me legal advice