I’m so excited about today’s Wifey Wednesday! I’ve been to Kenya three times before, and I just fell in love with the country. And one of my frequent Wifey Wednesday link up contributors, Ngina Otiende from Intentional Today, who is active in the comments and has an awesome marriage blog herself, is from Kenya. I wrote her a while ago and said, “I would love to write a post on the difference between African marriage and North American marriage, and what we can learn from each other, but I don’t feel like I’m qualified. So can you?” And she said yes!
Here’s Ngina:
My husband and I moved to the United States two and a half years ago. We arrived early in the evening and I remember looking out of the plane and beholding a strange sight. Although it was past 8pm, the sun was still shining! Where we’d just come from – Kenya, Africa – the sun sets at 6.30 pm.
We’d soon discover that the sun setting at later time than we were used to was just one of the many fascinating changes we’d experience in our new life in North America. (after a 23 hour flight, disturbing turbulence, severe food poisoning, cramped seating, we thought we’d experienced it all!)
Different life
It’s been two and half years and we have settled to life in North America–as far as possible anyway! Life in America is very different from life in Africa. From the weather, the food, the culture, the hectic pace of life, sometimes we feel like we moved to another planet, not across the oceans!
I am a marriage enthusiast and one of the things I wanted to find out was how different marriages are in America. I had come to America without high expectations, unfortunately. We’d heard stories about American lifestyle and culture and just before we left were inundated with counsel and warnings “take care of one another, stay committed and fight for your marriage because America will want to tear you apart”.
While there’s been some truth in some of the warnings, we’ve also discovered a lot more we didn’t know existed. For example, and just to give you an idea, think about all the things you’ve heard about Africa. Then imagine going there someday and discovering most of the stuff you heard was either half truth or lies. And the rest of the “bad” is eclipsed by all the good you never heard about. That’s been our discovery as far as marriages (and other areas) are concerned. We’ve enjoyed discovering all the great North American marriage habits and using the things we were told would drive us apart to knit us together.
So here are some of the differences between marriage in Africa and marriage in North America that I have observed. (Please note my views are based on two and a half years of stay!)
Differences: What I think America does better than Africa in marriage
America values Team work.
I come from a very traditional society where the roles of men and women are as different as night and day; very well defined. But here in America, these lines are a little blurred. Both husband and wife dive in to chores and responsibilities and do what needs to be done to keep the family moving forward. A dad can stay at home with the kids while his wife works. Men don’t recoil (at least not too much) at certain ‘wifey things” like cooking, cleaning, taking care of babies e.t.c. Overall, I think the lifestyle demands are very different as well. And hiring that extra pair of hand is not cheap! Unlike Africa where anyone can afford to hire domestic help. So I love how the hectic “First World Life” forces couples to work together as teams!
America has Expressive Marriages!
Africans are the warmest people you’ll ever meet but we are not very expressive in our emotions! Most North Americans are, and it’s been fun living in such an effusive and affectionate culture.
America has God-centered marriages
If Hollywood and the media is to be believed, most couples in North America are either divorcing or on the brink of divorce. Or living together out of wedlock. Or fighting to redefine marriage. That’s the picture Hollywood beams to the rest of the world. It’s been wonderful to discover many many happily married couples! And not just happily married but vocal advocates of the same! Marriage ministry is still at infancy in Africa and I enjoy connecting and learning from all the resources and people here. In fact, that’s how I discovered Sheila’s blog years ago. I had (and still have) great real-life mentors but at that point needed some deeper insights in a particular area of struggle as a young wife.
America Values Women
I love how the law treats everyone equally in North America. And not just the law, but society in general. Everyone is equal and that equality protects women and the vulnerable. For example a man can’t stop taking care of his children because he separated from the wife. You can’t make a girl pregnant and leave her to take care of the baby alone. Maybe you can, but you don’t have the law – and it’s enforcers – on your side! And boy do they enforce the law here!
I like how everyone is held responsible for their actions. That kind of equality protects the vulnerable.
Now here’s where I think Marriage in Africa is Better
Africa has Strong community ties
In Africa most people experience life as a community. Friends and family drop into each other’s homes any and all times. No planning or warning necessary – just dropping in and hanging out for no reason whatsoever. In America I see most people have to plan for things like that. You just don’t show up in someone’s house uninvited! Every second of life seems to be allocated for something important and there’s no margin to hang out, “doing nothing”!
Africa has Deeper Appreciation for Good Values
The wind of change is blowing across the world and in Africa has not been left behind. The culture is changing, societies are changing. But there’s still some really good old-fashioned traditions and values in Africa. For example men are still regarded as the head of the homes..and that respect and honor has got nothing to do with their perfect performance! Submission or staying at home to raise your kids is not a “controversial” subject. Generally good values are not seen as weaknesses or hindrances, but appreciated for what they are.
Africans are More Teachable
Generally Africans are less-wound-up, a little more willing to use wisdom from yesteryears. (In other words they are more teachable compared to North Americans 🙂 )This open heart makes for easier relationships and helps when it comes to sharing wisdom in marriage.
Africans Know how to Do More with Less
I used to think that an easier life ought to translate to stronger marriages – less to worry about and more to be grateful for. But after living in North America for two and half years and observing the state of some of marriages, I’ve come to believe that comfort and ease can make drifting in marriage easier. Not harder. So while I used to belly-ache about many of our “developing continent” pains and challenges, I am a little more grateful now. Because hardships tend to grow and deepen people. Challenges force you to hold tightly to gifts and miracles when they show up (e.g having a spouse). Most African’s don’t have many of the resources and support and margin that most developed nations have. But they’ve learned to thrive and grow with what they have.
Now here’s 3 things that both America and Africa can do better in marriage!
1. Understand the importance of strong marriages for a strong society
We might have different challenges but I think we have the same human condition – we like to major on the minor things and minor on the major things. We continually under estimate the importance of a strong marriage as the foundation for everything else in life. We put our marriages last in our list of priorities. And then get suprised when our marriages reflect that last position!
2. Kick out popular culture from our marriages
Traditions or culture will never give us a a good marriage. Only God can! We need to start pursuing God and His blueprint for marriage and stop pursuing what society – even ourselves! – think we should pursue.
3. Mentor and support other marriages
Even though I come from a culture where people are more willing to receive and be taught, we still have ways to go as far as mentoring in marriage is concerned. And we have the same problem here in North America, more mature couples hesitating to open up to younger (or other) couples. Opening up our lives to others is not easy, obviously. But often our fears are not based on truth. We think other couples are looking for perfection, but they are not. They are looking for other imperfect couples who’ve learned to make marriage work, even in imperfection.
Ngina Otiende inspires and equips early-wed wives to build intentional happily-ever-afters, over at IntentionalToday.com. Pick up a free copy of her Ebook when you subscribe to her blog. You can also connect on Pinterest or Facebook.
Now, what advice do you have for us today? Put the URL of a marriage post into today’s Linky below! And I choose at least two posts to highlight on my Facebook Page each week–I try to choose blogs I haven’t highlighted before. So link up to get more readership, and join our marriage party!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thanks Ngina and Sheila for sharing these great insights. North Americans tend to assume that our way of doing things is always the best way! I appreciate hearing about what we can learn from marriages and families in another part of the world.
Thank you Ngina for sharing! It was neat to see your comparison on marriages in both places. I liked how at the end you also said what both places can continue to do to improve. I believe there is always new things to learn and grow from!
That’s true Cassie, there’s always so much to learn, from one another as well as, and lots of room for growth!
What an inspiring blog, Mrs. Otiende. Thank you so much for sharing your observations. We all can learn something from each other! 🙂
Thank you Mrs Mac!, glad the post was inspiring 🙂
Brilliant. Thank you.
And what you say about marriage in Africa lines up with what many African friends have told me, too. Especially about the importance of community and not trying to do marriage in isolation from other couples.
Thanks for sharing that Emily, glad hear you’ve heard about it. It’s always interesting, the new things we learn from one another!
How VERY interesting! I would love to hear from more immigrants a comparison of the pros and cons of their move to America and their views on how marriage is different here. We could learn a few things!!
I would disagree with you on men and women being equal in the eyes of the law and don’t believe you’ve seen the damage our culture does to men nor the damage the legal system does to men.
If we were equal, men and women would receive uplifting messages on father’s day and mother’s day. One if famous for it, one if famous for the opposite.
If we were equal under the law, women would pay ailmony and child support and not just the other way around (women do initiate 70% of divorces and yet pay only 5% of the above).
If we were equal men would not have to pay child support for children that are not there own, and yet you see even in state supreme court cases the law requires this of men.
If we were equal and did the same “crime” (since abuse, child support) was brought up, we would be convicted at the same percentage rate and imprisoned for the same amount, and yet we have half the percentage on both of those.
I won’t get into biblical roles, because of Sheila’s belief on them and I’ll respect that. Teamwork is good. But men becoming women and women becoming men is not. On a team, each player or coach has a specific role. These roles might blur at times, a quarterback might have to run for a first down, a point guard might have to score but they are the exception. What we have done is put our quarterback’s in as linebackers and goalies in as forwards…and it’s disaster. There is a reason for biblical roles.
I’ll respectfully disagree on much of what is “good” about North American marriages, and rest assured I’ve done a lot of mission work in third world countries and have family living there right now so I’m not uneducated on such things.
Thank you for your thoughts Julie. You’ve brought up interesting points. I’d just want to add that I doubt we can have ever have perfect systems or laws or lifestyles because as human beings we are imperfect. So i think sometimes we’ll just have to look at what’s good and working and try and celebrate that..cos there’s another side to it too if we look hard enough! But i hear what you are saying, I haven’t stayed here long enough and there’s lots to learn still! 🙂 Thanks friend.
Ngina,
You already gave the other side of it. I will go with your thesis of “look at what’s good and see if it’s working and try to celebrate that.
So is it working? Christians have the same divorce rate as the world. Women make up 65% of church attendance. Sheila’s letters and questions every week about husband’s failures.
Men do not want (because they were not created to be) helpmates. They were created to lead. They were created for a role and we’ve gone past blurring it. Sheila won’t use the word submission, that is how far the pendulum as swung. The very most repeated command to wives in the Bible is not being taught on the biggest woman’s blogger in the Christian world. In other words, when we stop treating men honorably men will stop acting honorable. There is a reason why men don’t want to work, sit around watching porn, playing video games…should they be doing it God’s way? Yes of course. But we as christian women and women in Northern America are disincentive that by this exact teaching and celebrating what is failure of marriage in our western world and it’s churches in just about every way imaginable.
Ngina, what American churches are doing is not working. It’s a massive failure. Even our marriage infastructure (ministries, churches, books, radio programs, blogs, etc) that you celebrated is full of more human psychology and wisdom than scripture.
I can’t agree with you Ngina, let alone celebrate it. I apolagize if I am coming across harsh, but we are literally on the collapse of western civilazation and marriage as we know it and we are celebrating that e are doing it well? Something is off, way off here.
There is a reason why African churches are growing rapidly and Asian churches are growing rapidly and western churches are dying fast. The word of God is alive in one and not alive in the other.
Julie I would caution you from perpetuating the myth that Christian marriages end in divorce as at the same rate as non-Christian. This is only true if you define a Christian as one who marks it on the census form, but with those who are true church attenders the 60% divorce rate falls to 38%. My guess is if you narrow that down to those who actually accept the Bible as God’s authoritative Word for life and godliness, and have chosen Jesus as Lord of their lives, the divorce rate may fall into the teens.
Here is one report of many on the subject. I can tell by what you write that you are a Believer, so it is important not to confuse true Believers with those who say “Lord, Lord… did I not…” and then do not do what He says:
http://www.gospel.com/blog/index.php/2011/02/24/do-christians-have-a-lower-rate-of-divorce-than-non-christians/
Yes, Ken, I agree. The stat that has been spread in the media is from a narrow study in the Bible Belt in the south and uses a form asking people to self-identify. That survey found that Christians were more likely, or just as likely, to divorce. However, if you look at the Northeastern United States, where Christianity is not as culturally accepted, or most parts of Canada, where it also isn’t, the divorce rate plummets. I’ve seen some studies that don’t ask if you’re Christian but instead ask, “do you attend church every week” and “do you pray together?” For those couples who pray together everyday the divorce rate plummets to under 10%.
Christ makes a difference! We seem to believe that in every other area of our lives, yet we’re too quick to accept the idea that Christ doesn’t seem to make a difference in marriage. He does. And I think it’s important to start saying that loudly and clearly, or else we really malign Christian marriages.
Julie, I understand what you’re saying about men not being treated well in our court system, and thus they are often seen as disadvantaged.
However, I just want to say that I think this is a big stretch to say that men are disadvantaged here in a way that women are disadvantaged there. The fact is that we have much closer gender equality here than they do in most parts of Africa, and I do think that we need to be very sensitive to the fact that our sisters in many countries are very vulnerable and treated very badly.
Yes, there are some problems with gender equality here, but I would not compare them in magnitude at all. I just think we need to be careful about that, because girls go through so much in so many parts of the world, and I don’t think that it should be taken lightly at all.
Sheila,
Yes our sisters in Africa have their lives threatened. But did you know that the horrors are just as bad & worse for African men? You are giving a one sided, female, point of view on the blurring of lines within North America and the atrocities in Africa. So why is that not important? This was a very female sided view point of marriage, life in two continents and it took almost nothing into account for men, the actual health of marriages (western marriage is on it’s deathbed, in and out of church), let alone about God’s ways.
We talk to much about the hardships of women, like it only happens to women. The result in our thinking is it’s men and the government oppressing us. When we don’t acknowledge the atrocities, hardships, trials of men in these same times and countries we are feeding ourselves a lie. Sin is what oppresses us. It’s s choice we made at a tree 6,000 years ago. Men are just as oppressed in Africa. Yes, fewer are taken as sex slaves. Yes, they are mutilated in different ways. But young men are drafted into the gangs and armies and die at younger ages and are shooting AK-47’s at 10 and walking across mine fields at 11, and working at 8. We tell one side of the story, the female side. It’s the same thing we do here.
Our churches and marriages are dying, in large part because we don’t respect God’s roles and men in our society.
“2. Kick out popular culture from our marriages
Traditions or culture will never give us a a good marriage. Only God can! We need to start pursuing God and His blueprint for marriage and stop pursuing what society – even ourselves! – think we should pursue.”
Sheena,
That was my point, but seemed to conflict with what was stated as one of plus’ of North American marriages under teamwork (and made gender roles appear negative).
Do you believe dad staying home with the kids while mom works is God’s plan?
The bible has clear roles that are very defined and not blurred. The blurring is not a positive but a huge negative in my book, and is influenced by culture (mainly feminism and progressivism).
So forgive me, I wasn’t clear how you were responding to me.
I guess partly what I’m saying is:
1) I agree with you.
2) Your passion is clear and came off a little over-bearing (and maybe it should be) and somewhat attacking of Ngina…. which generally turns people away. I put that quote above bc I was saying that Ngina leaves room to have it wrong to.
3) You have to see Ngina’s point of view: B/c we’re talking about marriage, Ngina is speaking about marriage and HER experience between the different cultures. It maybe refreshing to her to see women treated good as opposed to what she’s grown up with and how she’s seen women treated traditionally. (Not to say anything of the fact that we as Americans have it wrong too bc we definitely need to regain what it means to be a man and a woman in God’s eyes. We, in the American culture, have feminized….everything for that matter, including manhood.) “Werner Neuer accurately writes in his book, Man and Woman, “The feminist movement tends to confuse a real equality of men and women with their being identical.” This quote is from http://cbmw.org/uncategorized/profiling-christian-masculinity/
I think that article puts a lot of things into perspective. I appreciate your passion about this subject.
Ngina: I hope I didn’t put words in your mouth. Please forgive me if I did and show me my error. Thanks for your article. It’s interesting to hear another perspective for sure… bc it brings up passionate topics as this.
Sheena,
Thank you for your clarification. I agree with you that I came off overbearing. I still don’t know how to handle teaching that is so damaging to marriages, I felt like this was (that portion of it). Obviously, no one including 98% of men want women beaten, raped, etc. But we have taken manhood, headship, etc as collatoral damage so that we don’t ever have to have those things happen (although they still do). We have chosen safety and government oppression over letting our men be men. And it is killing our churches and marriages and I’ve learned I can’t stand still and say nothing anymore, even if it comes across mean or rude.
Feminism has killed more marriages and more women than 200 years of non feminism ever did in America. We talk about the 1800’s when women had it so bad, and forget the hardships and even more so that men had to endure. I’ll never forget my 100 year old great grandmother telling me when I was a very young girl, “Honey, it’s hard being a woman. But thank God you weren’t born a man.” I remember her telling me this as my grandfather went out the door at 65 years old to work in -10 degree weather. As with most everything in the western world, that is not PC enough to make it in the our stories and sermons and blogs, so we’ve become an echo chamber of how bad of deal we got as women but it is far from the complete story.
We are doomed as country and as a church if we don’t change it and change it quick.
Sheena, you have put it well..the post is really my perspective as a person coming from another culture. There’s some refreshing good things about marriages in America..as there are good refreshing things about the African marriages from someone else looking from the outside. It’s not perfect. And that’s why we need Jesus. But we can’t discount the good God’s doing/or has done in our midst and cultures. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
This was so interesting, Ngina! I’ve picked up a few of these differences in your writing on your own blog, but I love how you’ve laid it out here. I agree with all of your observations of North American’s. I often feel pulled down by all the things I need to do and be and have in this society, and I know that it hurts my marriage. But like you’ve said, it’s the hard times that God can use to strengthen our faith and our marriages–if we’ll lean into Him. Thanks also to Sheila for asking you to write this! And thanks to you, Ngina, for your marriage-mentoring passion!
Thank you so much for your sweet encouragement Beth! And i am happy you find this enlightening. I feel you on that need to be and do and achieve..we are so young in America and yet we feel it too! But God has a plan and it’s when we feel most scattered that we have the opportunity to allow Him to gather us to Himself 🙂
This is so interesting! Thank you for sharing your experiences and observations 🙂
Totally fascinating!
I especially love your point about a lot of the “ease” of our society contributing to the drift in marriages here. I definitely agree. When we don’t have something to work towards or for it’s very easy to just kind of wander around and take everything for granted.
That’s something my husband and I were experiencing just a few months ago before we suddenly had a big project placed in our laps. There wasn’t anything specifically “wrong” before – but after we got kicked out of our house and had to remodel a bus to live in, it really lit a fire under us and brought back that spark!
Thank you so much for your insight.
Wow, Sarah, that’s another whole new meaning to the word “relocation” 🙂 So glad that it’s inspired change for you. It’s funny how we don’t know we are drifting in ease and how that can affect marriage, right. Amen to the little (and not so little) opportunities for growth!
Well said, Ngina! I think the thing I love for the most is that strong community. It takes a lot of work (at least in our culture) to build and maintain that kind of friendship – where you can get ‘in each other’s business’, y’know? But it’s so worth it!
Thanks for sharing your cross-cultural view – so interesting!
Juie
[There was a very long comment left that was quite harsh, and I didn’t want to publish it because I felt that it would be hurtful to the person writing this.
However, there were some good points made, and I just want to address them.
The writer of the comment was saying that we were stereotyping both “North American” marriage and “African” marriage, and this was hurtful and wrong.
I don’t believe that we were stereotyping North American marriage. I’m Canadian, not American, and everything said here applied to us, too. There may be subpockets of marriage cultures that are different, but the North American culture of marriage is definitely as described here.
As for African marriage, we likely should have said “sub-Saharan African” marriages, I’d agree. However, having spent extensive time in Tunisia, I would agree with everything that Ngina said here about Tunisia, as well. There’s much stronger community; there’s no marriage ministry; there isn’t gender equality; etc. etc.
And having been part of a large committee made up of missionaries from different African countries looking into expanding a certain marriage ministry I’m involved in in Canada into sub-Saharan Africa, everything Ngina brought up here would have been true in those countries as well.
So I do apologize to anyone that we may have offended by saying “African” marriage.
But let me ask a favour: if you believe that what Ngina says doesn’t represent your country, then please tell me: how does your country differ? That would be very interesting to know!
But I do believe that there can be a “culture” of marriage in a country (or even a continent), even if there are subcultures where it isn’t like that. All countries have dominant cultures, and I think that’s what we were trying to portray here.
So tell me: how is your country different? Let’s talk about it!]
I agree! There’s definitely those sub pockets in every culture (eg Africa is made up for 54 countries and hundreds of different tribes). So we are not completely all the same! But there’s always the overarching dominant theme in cultures and continents And I believe that’s what i (we) are looking at here..the general theme/culture, not all the individual pockets…cos i think that would call for a series of posts 🙂
I just wanted to say, Sheila, completely unrelated to the comment you blocked, that I really approve of your new comment policy. I know you gave it a lot of thought and were torn up about it for a while, and I think that editing the comments and paraphrasing the helpful or relevant parts of them works well.
Thank you, Sarah!
I think this lady maybe misunderstands stereotyping.
Ngina isn’t stereotyping at all. She is making a broad summary statement of her personal experience. She even says that this is her *general* observations of her culture and that of the US. OBVIOUSLY she’s not talking about individual cases. And SUPER OBVIOUSLY she isn’t talking about all of the US or all of Africa. Because she hasn’t been everywhere.
And obviously she is a very positive lady who chooses to focus on the good.
Everyone looks for general patterns in people and behaviors and stuff. If we didn’t we could never talk about anything. Because there are always exceptions. It isn’t even that things like archetypes in literature or stereotypes in general are bad. These things originate for a reason. Because they actually are true for a lot of people. It only becomes a problem when you refuse to get to know/ learn something/ treat certain people badly because all you can see is your stereotype. So my thought is that stereotypes are more of a tool to help you understand patterns in the world. But you should treat is as a very imperfect tool, not fact.
Thanks Ngina for a thought provoking essay. We can learn much in the US from other cultures. We do need strong, vibrant marriages and thus strong families for a strong and healthy society.
Thanks so much for sharing this, Ngina! I have mourned that we don’t have as much community here in our individualistic culture. Marriages and families are healthier when they are surrounded by the support of friends and family.
Oh, what a great topic ! Being part of an intercultural marriage (european-african), I can relate to many things you wrote. Though it was hard for us, at first, to deal with our different expectations and views on marriage, it eventually made us stronger because we could take from each culture to build a marriage that is ours, we had to question what we would never have questioned had we married from our own culture, and it was (and still is) great foundation.
happy you identify with many of these thoughts! And I love love this”we could take from each culture to build a marriage that is ours, we had to question what we would never have questioned had we married from our own culture”. That’s really powerful!
I always appreciate your passion and heart, Ngina. I find you to have significantly more wisdom than someone your age from America, and that wisdom gives you credibility and authority to speak to your passion. God bless your ministry.
Thank you Floyd. Glory to God 🙂
Such a great post. As an American married to a man from Africa and having lived in Africa for almost 14 years, I found such truth in Ngina’s words!
This post is very interesting because I’m African, and I’ve lived in North America, so I can see, and agree with a lot of the points… that being said, every marriage is different. Many working class Africans also have American values (due to globalization) so some things are not as clear cut as that anymore…
Also, not trying to be so sensitive, but that picture of the old man and woman, while I’m glad it’s a picture of two happy people, it just seems to be stereotypical. There are many African husbands and wives who don’t look…well…unkept, and when you compare to the picture of the newlyweds… well it just gives a perception, that perhaps you didn’t plan to give, ended up doing so…
With all that said, thank you for continuing to highlight positive marriages.
Respectfully, and coming from a wholly America POV, I don’t think the African couple in the above photo look “unkept” at all. I think they looked joyful and well dressed. The only thing that could maybe appear that way is that the man doesn’t look clean-shaven, but I only noticed that when I went back and tried to see what you were maybe seeing.
Respectfully, I would say maybe it’s because when you think about Africans, this is what you expect to see. I don’t know a lot about you, so I wouldn’t know, you may have lived in Africa or visited Africa, but from those who have lived in Africa, they can tell you that when you think of African marriages, this kind of picture is a stereotype (similar to the picture of a child with a fly on his eye, or swollen belly from malnutrition), if we were to place a picture of this old woman and man as typical of African marriages, then the picture we should have used for North American Marriage would have been something like the link below:
http://ucce.ucdavis.edu/files/repository/calag/img4807p11.jpg
however if we were to use the picture of the two newlyweds (the hands) as typical of North American Marriage, then the pictures in the link below would have been a more appropriate comparison.
http://goo.gl/JX8kZ7
What a fabulous read! Thank you Ngina and Sheila!! We have family members married to Africans and this was very enlightening. Also, I can see how some of these ppints of interest span the globe. For instance, my husband’s family is from Mexico originally; they really have a wonderfully strong sense of family and community! When we moved away from (both sides of our family living in the same city in) California to Virginia – where we have no family – we realized how wonderful it is to have that large community. Especially the “drop by to hangout, anytime” aspect.
I’m not from Africa but from the Bahamas and the part that I relate to the most in the post is doing life in community; this is such a foreign concept in America. Obviously it can be created here, but it takes time where as in other cultures it’s a given.
The thing about roles (i.e. clearly defined gender specific) I’ve found to be true also, but it’s not insurmountable. People hold on to their cultures because it provides a degree of comfort.
Jesus transcends culture and that’s beautiful.
I’m celebrating 25 yrs in 14 days…
Nylse, it’s so great to read of your experiences. And so true, it’s about fashioning our lives after Christ. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective
Sheila, thanks for opening up your blog to guests. We can learn so much from each other if we will just listen with open minds. Yes, these are generalizations. But they are generalizations for a reason…b/c generally they are true. We can learn so much from each other.
I love this Lindsey, it really sums things up nicely! “they are generalizations for a reason…b/c generally they are true” 🙂
Thank you for your thoughts today, Ngina! This was very informative.
I often wonder how the culture we’re in affects our ideas and beliefs about our faith and relationships with one another. This is so interesting! I agree, we in the US are really missing out on the community aspect that many other cultures have. Now my prayer is to find out how to create true community in our busy car-centric American lives.
Thank you for this post, Ngina. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts on marriage with us and your willingness to provide us with another perspective. I find it so helpful to hear different perspectives because it helps me (and challenges me) to look at my marriage and my world through a different lens. We can all learn from each other if only we are willing to do so and to be open to it.
So enjoyed this!! My Daughter in law grew up in South America and she would agree with this, “It’s one of the things I miss the most about home – the the strength and depth that comes from doing life as a community, instead of solo/couple-only experience.” She talks often of the depth of community and how she misses it.
I think there are pockets of this type of community in the south and mid-west. When I first moved from the South to the North East as a young newly wed I remember being told, “We don’t just drop in on people here!” I’ve lived here now for 30 years and still long to move back to the south….
Anyway…thank you for sharing!
Wow that was quite the welcome Sharon! 🙂 (“We don’t just drop in on people here!”) Haha. And I agree with you, much as we adapt, even try to form new community, it’s just not the same because the wider culture is still different.
This is a stunning article and so well written. Thank you for sharing. I found it quite interesting being and living in South Africa, where we have a dominant western culture, as well as a dominant African culture. And sometimes, in some families, they mix well, but for the most part, those cultures are kept pretty separate (although I have no doubt that the western culture does influence the African culture – but a debate for another time, perhaps). I love the community and strength of togetherness of the African culture that is sorely lacking in Western cultures. Western cultures have a very strong “me” mentality – even in marriage. However, generally speaking, women are not treated well in African cultures – from what I have observed and while I believe there to be strengths in both, I definitely believe that both cultures can learn and grow from each other as well. Well done on an excellent piece…
This is so very insightful, so interesting to see how both cultures live alongside one another. I really love what you’ve said, that there’s so much to learn from one another. Iron does sharpen iron.
This was great! I really enjoyed reading your perspective on marriage, both here and in Africa!
Ngina shares not so much as from an African marriage but from a Kenya marriage – Kenya is a more ‘Christianize’ country compared to other countries in Africa where tribal/animistic and Muslim-Islamic marriages prevail… in those countries, tribal and islamic laws allows polygamy creating lots of friction in marriages and family life.
Hi Sheila. Please read the following post over at Twintopia. I think you’ll see that missionaries are often the most guilty when it comes to lumping africa together. http://www.mytwintopia.com/2014/04/africa-is-continent
I just want to reiterate again that it was never my intention to racially stereotype in this article. Instead, what I wanted to do was to show that our view of “marriage” is just that–a North American view. And we likely have much to learn from other cultures.
I’m just curious, though. There are many comments and emails (some that haven’t shown up here) criticizing the stereotyping–and yet I haven’t had people tell me specifically what’s wrong with what Ngina said.
Remember, too, that we are talking in generalities. That’s what we tend to do when we are trying to understand things in broad terms. Are there pockets of marriage in North America that know how to do more with less? Absolutely. Are there pockets in North American marriage that do not value women? Absolutely. There are always pockets that aren’t the same, but ON THE WHOLE, the culture of North American marriage is as Ngina described.
In fact, I would argue that probably a high percentage of North American women reading this blog DO know how to do more with less, and yet they would also agree that in our marriage culture, that is not a value. In our individual marriages that may be a value, but the culture as a whole in North America values excess, not thriftiness or satisfaction with less.
So I understand people saying we shouldn’t lump everyone together, and I honestly meant no harm. But I’m just suggesting that instead of criticizing that, why don’t you take Ngina up on her points? Where was she wrong? Because I believe that she was right. The culture of marriage as a whole is quite different in most African countries than in North America, and she’s teased on some things which look pretty basic to me, and then pointed all of us to ways that we can improve.
Instead of just criticizing her, how about engaging in the dialogue? Are you seeing changes in what’s happening? Perhaps that would be more helpful. Again, of course there are always pockets that are different, just like there are in North America, but the culture as a whole is quite different, and I think it’s okay to talk about cultural differences.
What a lovely article, and just what a needed to read today. There are always parts of our lives and marriages to work on, and always things to be grateful for!
Great article! Thank you. I wish we were more open to community. We seem to focus on keeping others out and letting them only see what we want them to. Mentors and wisdom would be invaluable. The two barriers that I see are lack of time due to the hectic pace of life and reluctance toward openness.
That was so fun to read, Ngina! I love reading how different cultures do things not only because it’s interesting but also because I feel like I can learn what to do differently. Thanks for writing this blog post!
it is indeed a great inpartation to us, and also to student’s doing their research work to get useful materials to bolster their IT, or project. thanks for your contribution to the development on the readers.
Thanks for this information. I came here and I noticed that interms of development America is ahead of Africans but when it comes to relationships (marriage, boyfriend,girlfriend)America is behind because of it doesn’t last .let’s not forget that nature makes it clear everyone that anything easily acquired will be easily gone.this applies to all domains of our lives even in relationships. If one easily get a lady for a date ,they will easily separate and vice versa