Out of the last five times you’ve made love, how many have you initiated sex, and how many has your husband initiated?
If you say he’s initiated all 5, that could be a problem! Now, I know sometimes you just start making love because you’re kissing and snuggling, and it’s not clear WHO initiated. It just happened (all the more reason to go to bed at the same time, so that things can “just happen”!). And sometimes he has a really low sex drive, and so the whole initiation pattern is thrown off. I’ve got a series for women in that situation here. But quite often we get into this rut where he wants sex more than you do, and so he’s the one who always initiates making love. And you’re not even sure how to initiate sex with him, because you’ve never really done it! When I was researching my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I did surveys and interviewed both men and women. And here’s what one guy said about initiating sex:
Men don’t want to be placated; they want to be wanted.
Paul Byerly, who writes at the Generous Husband, puts it this way:
For men sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates the opposite. I realise this is not usually what women are communicating with sex and saying no, but it is what men feel. Even when you convince a man this is not what she means, he will still feel it. When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife he starts to want other forms of intimacy. Not tolerate, want. The need was always there, but it is hard to hear over the much louder need for sexual intimacy.
So, ladies, it’s time to step up to the plate! But how do you initiate sex?
Today, I’d like to share 10 tips on how to initiate sex with your husband
–and help your husband feel like the most blessed man in the world!
1. DO Show Enthusiasm
Initiating sex requires enthusiasm. The following do NOT count as initiating sex:
- (Lying in bed, arms crossed. Turning head towards him). We can if you wanna.
- (Standing at the bottom of the stairs, heading up to bed). I’m heading to bed. If you come up within the next 10 minutes we may still have time, I guess.
- (Lying in bed, looking at the ceiling). So, I shaved my legs today.
- (Lying in bed, arms crossed). So…I guess we’re due, eh?
(Sorry, that’s the Canadian coming out in me in the last one). If you’re going to initiate, the first step is NOT telling him “do you wanna?” The first step is getting in the right frame of mind for sex so that you’re enthusiastic about it, too!
2. DON’T Overthink It
Why don’t we initiate sex? Because often as soon as the thought pops into our heads we talk ourselves out of it.
Do I want to tonight? Well, I don’t know. It is kind of late, and I do need my sleep. And he wasn’t very nice to me tonight. He hardly hugged me when he came home from work. I just feel so distant right now. I can’t make love if we’re distant, can I? Wouldn’t that be deceptive? And what if the kids wake up? And what if….
Turn it off! Seriously. When you get the thought, pounce on it (and pounce on HIM, too!) Start kissing him. Let your hands wander pretty much immediately (seriously–women don’t like guys to GO FOR IT right away, so we often assume men need the lead up, too. They don’t. Just zero in!). Don’t second guess yourself. You’ll be happier later–and you’ll likely sleep better, too!
3. DON’T Be Embarrassed
“Good girls don’t like sex.”
Did you grow up thinking that? If you grew up thinking that only boys wanted sex, and girls just acquiesced, then you may think that it’s your role to sit back and just respond to him. Anything else somehow upsets the apple cart. But good girls DO want sex! God gave us sex drives, too. And inside marriage sex is supposed to be a wonderful thing for both of you! Think about it this way: This is the only man on earth who can touch you like that. He’s the only man on earth who really truly knows you. You don’t need to be embarrassed around him. I know that can be a hard transition to make. But practice little things, like saying to him the morning after you made love, “I had fun last night”, or “you made me feel great!” Practice talking about it afterwards, and it makes it easier to talk about it beforehand! So saunter up to him and whisper in his ear, “do you want me to drive you crazy tonight?” He’ll get the message.
Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?
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There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.
4. DON’T Beat Around the Bush
But remember: If you’re too embarrassed to be that direct, or if you’re embarrassed about saying, “do you want to make love tonight?”, then you may not give clear enough signals. My husband was leaving for a business trip for a week recently, and he was spending the morning before he was picked up sorting papers and paying bills and getting some tasks done around the house. I kept getting up from my computer whenever he got up from his and walking over and seeing if I could get him interested in something, but I never let him know what I was doing. I thought he was just busy and wasn’t interested. But after following him around like a puppy dog for an hour, he finally turned to me and said, “are you okay?”, and I said, “I just thought we could go upstairs for some fun before you left.” He jumped on board immediately. I had thought he was busy and was rejecting me, but he just really didn’t know what I was getting at. Men are usually afraid of getting rejected, and if he tends to have the higher sex drive in your marriage, he may have conditioned himself to never think about it, or to try not to assume you’re going somewhere, because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. Subtlety, then, isn’t a good thing. Be obvious. It’s easier on everyone!
5. DO Use Your Hands
Don’t like talking about sex? You don’t have to. Come up behind him, wrap your arms around him, start nibbling his ear, and let your hands wander. Watching a movie? Rest your hand in a creative place. And again–don’t beat around the bush. Put your hand EXACTLY where you know he wants it. Or lead him to the bedroom–but not with HIS hand. You can get things going without saying any words, if the words make you shy. Just do it!
6. DO Be Creative
Initiating sex can start earlier in the day. You can text him at work (“You’re in for it tonight!”). You can get dressed in your “pretty” underwear (not your functional underwear), and let him see, and say something like, “so this is what I’ll be wearing all day today….” You can put a note in his lunchbox, like a Skor bar, and say, “Wanna Skor tonight?” If a thought occurs to you, do it! Chances are it’s a good thought, and most guys won’t laugh at you. They’ll definitely go with it! I’ve got 10 super fun creative ideas to signal “I want sex tonight!”, too.
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7. DO Laugh
It’s okay to smile, and chuckle, and be giggly. It’s okay to act like teenagers. It doesn’t have to be super serious. You can joke around. “Hey, Big Man, do you have anything to help Little Ole Me?” You can flirt with your husband! It really is okay. And the more laughter, the more fun all around.
8. DO Be Eye Candy (It’s Okay!)
Instead of wearing your flannel pyjamas, get into some silk ones. Or put on a matching bra and panty set, and as you get undressed, show him what you’re wearing. Try putting on a teddy! Or go naked underneath a bathrobe and “flash” him while he’s downstairs. Then walk away, and see if he follows.
9. DO Follow Through
If you’ve been texting him all day, or you whispered in his ear when he walked in the door, then do follow through. It’s hard on a guy to get his engines revving and then stopping with no warning. Obviously if something comes up you may have to forego sex that evening, but if you’ve been hinting, then as much as possible, set the right conditions. Don’t watch a chick flick if it’s likely to make you so tired that at the end of it you want to collapse into bed. It may seem romantic, but if it will push bedtime back too far, then make love FIRST, before the movie. Don’t get on the computer thinking, “after I’m done this we’ll head upstairs.” If sex is your plan, then make sure it happens early, when you’re still thinking about it, rather than giving other things–the news, the computer, the movies–a chance to distract you and make you change your mind.
For a lot of men sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates the opposite.
10. DO Be Active
Once you’ve caught his attention, and you’re heading to the bedroom, don’t let the initiation end. Be active as you make love. Touch him. Guide his hand. Be the aggressor–at least a little bit. Find a good position yourself. Get on top even! When you’re active, it shows him, “I want to do this.” If you lie there on your back and don’t do much, he may think, “she’s just doing this for me.” Show him you are interested, and you do want this to happen–by making it happen!
Learn Great Sex Tips!
Pick 1-3 things and then DO THEM. You don’t need to do all 10. Just find the 1-3 tips on how to initiate sex that resonate the most with you. Small changes now can add up to big changes in the long run. Now go and have a great time with your man!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
Sheila,
I just want to thank you for your blog, and your books. You have helped me see sex and intimacy in a COMPLETELY different light. While my husband and I (mostly me) struggle with a consistent sex life, at least I’m thinking and reading and sharing my thoughts with my husband and attempting to get over my insecurities to let sex just happen. I feel like sex will take FOREVER and impede on other things. I’m working in making sex and my husband the priority.
I’m a woman who struggles with pain from previous partners. I was that girl who just placated, and gave myself when I wasn’t ready.
I’m also a woman who struggles with previous porn use. Not “porn” in the traditional sense, but cyber intimacy, chat room addiction as a teen, and researching and “play-acting” the freaky stuff online, along with reading and WRITING erotica. Pretty hardcore erotica at that. I have a great gift for writing, and I’m pretty good at romances.
Since I got married I have struggled with these past unfortunate mistakes. I see sex as this freaky over-acted, over-processed thing. I don’t read romances anymore, as they set unreal expectations in my mind, just like porn. I also don’t write it anymore, and I struggle with thoughts popping up in the bedroom. I have it in my mind that he wants, or will want, the freaky stuff I know about (he does too – he’s read my erotica) but I’m actually a pretty shy “vanilla” girl. I don’t DO that stuff.
It makes it terribly hard to initiate anything. But I’ll try. #2, 3 and 4 are the ones I’m going to focus on and see what comes of it.
So glad I can help you, Davita! And I’m sorry about your past. I know that this grieves you. But remember that Jesus did paid for it, and He doesn’t want you to carry it around anymore. He died to set you free! I know it’s really, really hard to get those images and expectations out of your head, but I do believe that He wants to help you with that. You’re not alone.
Hello Sheila am from Nigeria please buzz me if you get this message am trying to get in touch with you
Hi Esther! You can send an email through right here. Thanks!
My wife don’t no how to romance or even sex..what should i do now?
Praying for God to remove the past junk from your mind and allow room for His best for you & your husband.
Porn is puke and God helped me to recover from using it.
Gods best,
Dwight
Greetings,
I’ve been rejected sexually from my husband shortly after I was diagnosed with a spinal disease about 6yrs into our marriage.
I have practically begged for his love., his touch.
Other than that we have a 9 outta 10 marriage.
He is afraid to hurt me. I e assured him he wouldn’t and informed him having an orgasm is a natural pain killer.
I am not embarrassed to try new things. However he’s more old school. My mind never wonders out side of our marriage. We have 4 kids and the best life ever. I am lost in a world with no intimacy.
Thank you for sharing. Same issues here, sort of.
Your examples in #1 made me laugh. I think all of us ladies have been there at one time or another with our pseudo-enthusiasm. Thanks for being real & helping me to aspire to something more =)
Oh boy. Here. We. Go. Again. Bear with me. To all of you ladies whose husbands want sex all the time, consider yourselves blessed! How wonderful it must be to be so attractive and desirable that he wants you all the time. I have been struggling with the opposite for quite a while and I think I have found the source of many of my issues. Christian marriage blogs. (NOT Sheila’s – Sheila’s is one of the best, most honest, and most realistic.) But I read a LOT, and my high expectations and my glaring failures are a result of all of that reading.
I will NOT initiate any more. I have a wonderful husband in almost every way. He is a very hard worker. He goes to work at 5 am, works 10 or more hours in construction, and falls asleep around 7:30 pm – especially in the winter months. That is a lot of the reason why we only have sex once in a while. I also have a tween and a teen who do not go to bed before 9:30 and a very small house. So logistically it is hard as well.
We have sex once, MAYBE twice a week. According to so many blogs out there, all the other husbands want their wives daily or more. That is a hard and bitter pill for me to swallow. My husband is not into porn, when we do have sex it is awesome. So the only other answer must be that I am not attractive enough for him to want me every day. Ouch.
Another failure these other blogs point out is that I only have two children. From what I’ve been reading, good Christians will have as many children as they can conceive. Due to two complicated deliveries, we were advised by doctors that more pregnancies could be dangerous. We decided to heed the doctors warnings and be happy and blessed by our little family. But now I am reading that if I don’t just go for it anyway, I’m not trusting God. Ouch! I try to grow as a Christian and grow in trust, but again – another hard and bitter blog pill to swallow.
Also, I am not hideous, my husband seems to like me. I’m tall, average build (size 8/10), blonde, blue eyes – average looking mom. But I can not compare to these blogs where these “good, Christian moms” take countless pictures of themselves looking flawless and being super moms. So not being obsessed with my appearance is apparently another one of my failures. Although – thanks to Sheila, I did start “fighting the frump” and my husband is quite appreciative. So thank you!
I don’t mean to sound like Debbie Downer, but sometimes in reading the comments of other readers, it helps me to realize we are all flawed and in great need of our Savior. Thankful for Jesus and for all of you. But all of that to say – ladies with husbands who want you – QUIT COMPLAINING and start realizing how blessed you are! There are some of us who would love to be as attractive and desirable to our husbands as you are to yours!
Becca,
Wow, you could have been telling my story! My hubby is a log truck driver and is up at 2am and in bed by 7pm during the week. This is a second marriage for both us and my teen son (almost 19) still lives with us. So needless to say, due to hubby being exhausted during the week and having a teen boy in the house, it comes down to sex being once, sometimes twice on the weekends only.
And even on a week day where he is home early and we have an empty house he rarely has any interest in making love, he always seems to have an excuse or ignores my initiation until it’s too late and he has to go to bed.
I’ve cried myself to sleep plenty of times because of wanting him to desire sex with me more and it makes it very difficult to understand when most blogs about men needing and wanting sex so often. My hubby really seems content with only once a week and it does start to make me wonder if it’s something about me.
So, all that to say, you are not alone. I think there are perhaps more women out there like us that do desire more sex with their husbands, but often get turned down. Unfortunately, society typically views the woman as the denier and as having little sexual desire.
And I’m with you…I just want to scream when I read comments from women who are upset at how much their husbands desire them sexually…be grateful and enjoy sex with your husband!
That would actually be a good post, wouldn’t it? “Why you should be happy your husband wants sex so much!” Maybe I’ll think about writing that one soon…
Sounds good! 🙂
Yeah. I would have preferred reading that one first. Every day (or more) is just too much! I feel like a sex object, not a person. I don’t get a chance to want sex we have it so often. So, wanting to initiate it, not so much.
It’s a year later now, Julie. How is that working out for the two of you? Have things slowed down a bit and are you feeling less objectified? Have you ever asked him why he wants sex so often?
I just want to say this to amy, maybe his job has wired his brain to want sex with images instead of a person. It isnt you, its him. Keep your head up :/ *hugs*
Could you be confusing sex with wanting quality/ emotional time with your husband? Maybe because he is so busy and tired, sex time is the only time that he gives you one on one intense quality time?
When I first married my husband, I wanted sex every day. It scared him a bit because he had been a bachelor and without sex for so long. After a couple of years, my sex drive normalized, where now I want it once a week, but will have more for his sake. The other day I realized that I had been conditioned to associate sex with quality emotional time with a man. Because of previous abusive relationships, the only time I received attention or positive input was while having sex, I thought the only way to get love was being physical.
Thanks to God, my husband is a wonderful man who loves me and spends time with me listening, doing things for me and fills my emotional bank without necessarily being physical. We do have a fulfilling sexual life.
I also believe that the amount of sex varies according to the couples lifestyle. It’s unreal to want to compare your sex life to other bloggers or people. Ask you husband what he thinks. If he wants more. Tell him what you are feeling. Really you are the only 2 people who should be concerned and involved in it, anyway. 🙂
ok ladies the problem here is not that they don’t want you…is that they work a lot and are too tired. Their schedules! Be comprehensive. I have a husband who wants sex all the time which is great, but he wants it too late for me to get my 7 hours of sleep. Weve been married for only one month and we are very unhappy because of this. Slepping is very important for your health. How can people dont understand this??
Ok ladies. Its funny because ill be walking down the street or in a store and get hit on by 5 different men. But my husband barely notices me and honestly, he never proceeds me for sex ever. I always have to be the one. It breaks my heart and i too have cried many many nights and days. I have talked to him about it and he says hes stressed out or aferiad of rejection but ive never rejected him ever. So it leads me to believe he just isnt into me. Idk… But i wish he would learn the importance of a woman knowing that shes desired.
Wives and husbands both are sinners. Our husbands are not perfect so we must be careful not to set him up to be our idol.
Know that women are also children of God and that we as women are to love ourselves and know our importance.
Sometimes our men get clouded and confused by other worldly things out there and forget to appreciate their wives take their wives for granted. But other people still look at you and think you are beautiful. Don’t let hubby’s ignoring of you, make you feel bad. Stay chipper and go on about your daily business, do your hobbies and visit girl buddies.
Sex should be initiated by the partner who wants it at that articulate time. He should not hold a grudge about this and wife should not either. Those are childish and mean behaviors. That is not what God wants a husband to do to his wife.
I just want to say that I would feel very blessed if my husband wanted sex once a week. Most of the time it is a month or more. He is a loving man and we get a long good, but I cant get him interested. I have stopped wanting to initiate because he has told me no too many times and I really dont like the rejection either. I too feel like He is not attracted to me, but I found out that he was the same way in his first marriage. But where does that leave our marriage? We used to go to bed and pillow talk and sex would be initiated out of it. But I cant even get him to do that anymore. I feel like a stranger with my own husband anymore in bed. Where do I go from here? I am constantly telling my husband he is awesome and it doesnt seem like anything changes the situation…unless he happens to want sex. I love my husband and I want our relationship to get back to where it was or better.
So sorry for what you’re going through! Unfortunately, it’s quite common. I have some other posts that may help: When your husband never initiates sex and when your husband doesn’t want to make love. I hope you find those useful!
Amy
Being a male, I continue to be in awe of men that do not desire their wives as much as I desire my own. I personally make it a point to have the intimacy/ sex talk with my wife monthly! We literally talk about what can be better and what the other may want more of or possibly want to try! My point is that you have to talk about sex. You may find that the conversation may be the spark you are seeking inn your sexual relationship!
BLESSINGS,
Kort
For the wives who’s husbands are too tired from their long work days: I have been there. Let me give you a tip. Tell him that you are in the mood, and need some sexual release, and ask him to just hold you while you ‘touch’ yourself. Say that you know he’s tired, so this is a win-win for both of you (you’ll be satisfying yourself while still having physical closeness from him. And there will be non pressure on him to perform). Guess what will happen? He will say “ok” and hold you while you touch yourself, but he will think that it is so darn sexy that he won’t be able to stop himself from being arroused. Before too long he will want to ‘help’ you satisfy yourself AND have sex with you. Trust me, ladies. This works most of the time. And if he really was too tired to become arroused, then you will STILL have gotten sexually satisfied while being physically and emotionally close to him). If you are shy about touching yourself, then ask him to lend a hand while you touch yourself. He’s not too tired to caress your breast. Believe me, this will wake him up.
Best answer ever!
Becca, I hate to hear that you think you are not attractive or desirable to your husband just because it happens “only” once or twice a week. I think that is a very normal rate! In fact, I think you’ve got it better than lots of folks. I can say that my marriage is not that active (though we do have our issues…). Besides, everybody is different and comparison is the WORST trap we allow ourselves to fall into. I can tell that that is a huge stronghold for you based on your comment. Focus on God and be thankful for what you DO have. Don’t concern yourself with others and what you feel pressured to have/do. I’m with you…I can only stomach a few very down-to-earth Christian woman/marriage blogs.
My wife and I have sex a few times a year. She never initiates and is always too tired or concerned with the kids or on her iPad until it is too late to do anything. Once a month would be awesome. Once a week would be heaven. Your husbands are lucky to get it so often.
I would love it if my husband and I had sex more than one or twice a month. It drives me nuts, and hurts me too, reading about all these ladies who complain about having it to much. Makes me want to tell them to shut up and enjoy it.
My husband is a truck driver and works in another state than we live in. We live in southern NH and he works just north of Boston, MA. He has no set time to go into work and works until the job is done. Sometimes he begins at 5am, sometimes at 9am. When works ends,sometimes it is at 3pm, sometimes it is 9pm. So, he is always tired when he gets home. He falls asleep the moment he sits down it seems.
We only have sex on the weekends when we do, and it is always initiated by me. For once I would like for him to initiate sex. Send me the cute little love notes and texts. The one time I sent him a texts saying just “Love you more”, he called me thinking something was wrong. Not exactly how I thought it would turn out.
Hi Sheila! I love your articles, and I really love to initiate and my hubby loves it too, so your ideas are great. Keep up the good work and lots of thanks for sharing it with us.
But how often should I initiate sex? Please suggest..
Hi there! I think it depends on your situation. If you’re both home every night, and you’re making love relatively frequently, then I would try to make sure that I initiated about 1/3 of the time we made love. So if you’re trying to make love 2-3 times a week, then initiate about once a week. If one of you is on the road a lot, and you’re not home all the time, then still aim for the 1/3 frequency, but try to make sure you’re connecting in other ways, too. It can be hard when people are on the road so much!
If you and your husband are both happy to have sex once or twice a week, then I think that’s just fine! There’s not a mandate in the Bible about how much sex to have.
I’m overweight, and have had drastic weight fluctuations throughout our relationship. Right now, I haven’t lost much of the baby weight from our third baby, and feel self conscious about my body. I definitely don’t look like a model or one of the adorable bloggers you mentioned.
My husband and I finally had a real talk about it one night, and he said, “I have enjoyed your body for so many years at so many different weights. I just want to touch you and be with you.” I honestly think this is probably how most good-hearted men feel about their wives. Realistically, would he love it if I lost some weight? Of course. But, this is where I am right now. He had never said those words to me, and it was really freeing to just see that little bit of his heart. I bet your husband feels the same way about you. There is NOT an explanation needed for having great sex once or twice a week, and even if there were an explanation, I really, truly don’t believe that it would be that he isn’t attracted to you. Try to get that thought out of your head.
From the way I read her comment, I think Becca wants more sex and her feelings of being undesirable come from her husband not wanting sex very often. And this is where I’m at also in my marriage. I appreciate how hard my hubby works and I know without a doubt he loves me, but when he turns me down every time I initiate it is hard not to feel undesirable or wonder what is wrong with me, even if that isn’t what is going on. And because we all hear how men need and want sex so often I think it makes it even harder when the wife is turned down or has a husband who just doesn’t seem interested very often.
I feel for you, but many women would consider once or twice a week an amazing improvement. (Yes, you read that right!) And considering all the hard work he does, I would take that often as a sign that he DOES find you incredibly attractive. Also, you don’t mention his age, but that can play a role as well. 20-year-olds can often (though not always!) go any time the wind blows. As men age, sometimes the mind is willing but the body just isn’t able at that moment – and I don’t mean just men in old folks’ homes or in need of little blue pills. (Maturity can factor in as well. Maybe your husband could work 10 hour days and still have fun every night when he was 20 but now he knows a good night’s sleep is important if the next day at work is going to be particularly rough.)
It is so easy for us women to see a perceived slight (tired hubby only wants sex once or twice a week) and immediately assume that either he is doing something wrong (another woman, porn) or that we are (not attractive enough, etc.) And the truth is, the more we worry about whether we’re attractive enough, the less fun we are in bed. As my husband says, “there’s a seat for every saddle” – kinda romantic, I know 😉 – but think about the wide range of couples you come across in a day, the wide range of women (body types, sizes, personalities, breast sizes, everything). It is absolutely NOT true that one or another “type” of women as a group is not getting sex because they’re not ___ enough. Someone you might not think of as attractive is likely getting loads of sex because her husband loves HER, not a specific body type, AND because she enjoys sex with him. It is WAY more about our attitude than our appearance. (Has your husband ever gone crazy over you when you were dirty from going on a run or working in the yard? See what I mean!?)
Sorry, Sheila – not trying to hijack. This just struck a nerve. Apparently.
Becca- oh my goodness, what I wouldnt give to do it once or twice a week! We’re talking once a month over here if i’m lucky.
I know how you feel. My husband I only have sex 3 times out of the year or sometimes even longer just let’s say between seven to eight months without having intercourse. I understand that that is not normal. What should I do? I feel that I am falling apart and that I might cheat on him.
Hi Sandy, I have quite a few posts on that. Try this one first, and then follow the links to the rest.
Hi Sandy, I feel your pain. My husband and I have been having sex two or three times a year for 4 years now. I am feeling excessively hurt tonight as I tried to initiate sex this morning only to be told I smell. I would have been happy to jump in the shower to freshen up but my husbands desire is so lacking for me that I didn’t think it would help. He just isn’t interested in me anymore. I am an Australian size 14 and have done some modelling work in my younger years but now that I am 43 and overweight he isn’t interested in me. I still try to look good and dress smartly but he rarely looks at me and regularly yells and complains that the house is not clean enough even tho it is and there are only a couple of grains of rice on the floor from our 4 year olds dinner. I am a woman of faith and put my love and trust in the lord and my husband but he is getting more distant, more abusive and more resentful by the weeks which pass. He works hard but he choose to. There is no pressure on him to perform at work as he works in a family business yet he is highly strung and angry with me ALL the time. I keep trying to please him with doing all the housework before he gets home and look after our young children and work part time too as he was so resentful that I want contributing enough before I went back to work. He still not happy and today I have thought about going to an escort agency just to receive some intimacy but I could never actually go thru with that. My husband has said that no one would ever want me as I have had mental health issues in the past and will have to take medication for life. I am at a point where I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t find me attractive anymore and said under his breath tonight that I was fat which is a result of my medication. I am so hurt by all of this and am begging God to give me the strength to carry on when all I want to do is overdose on my medication as divorce is not the option and it is the only thing I can think of to ease my hurt at his constant verbal rejection. What is wrong with me? Maybe because I used to be desirable and am no longer young and sexy but it is so hurtful as most of my friends husbands want them every night and have had more sex than me by the end of the first week in jan than I have had in years. I desperately feel for all those men and women who are constantly shut down and just wish that those of us who were lucky enough to have love and passion would just shut up and go away. Geez it’s hard. I don’t know where or what to do. I have tried to lose weight for years now but can’t.
Sweet heart this sound abusive. Please go seek counseling, if even from your church. A god man will respect the mother of his children. <3
I think you need to get some proper help hear, you should go see your GP or get counselling he is clearly abusing you and you shouldn’t have to put up with it just because you are married. God would understand
Praise God that you both connect 1-2x’s a week. My wife kicked me to the curb and it’s
close to 2.5ys of no sexual intimacy. Imagine doing that to your husband!? Not good!
I would not be complaining about once or twice a week – that would definitely make me feel desirable – try once a month which is my story – I have a high sex drive and this is destroying things – what I would give for once or twice a week
Amen to that . I would love to have that . try being on the depo shot for birth control and in the three months till your next shot its your appt time and you have not made love since the last one . yeah .
Why are you all so obsesed with sex. A marriage is more than just sex you know.i don’t know it is just so strange to me.
Lilly, its true that marriage is ministry and so it does not revolve around sex itself, but just a question for you to ponder on,
1. would you marry a man you are not sexually attracted to?
2. would you enjoy a marriage without sex?
3. what is God saying about sex in marriage?
Marriage is not for sex, but sex IS for marriage! Without it, your marriage is missing an essential, God-ordained component that believers are COMMANDED to include to the extent they’re able.
If you followed God’s teaching about sex prior to marriage, then ended up with a spouse who won’t follow God’s teaching and reach for His blessing within marriage, you have been cheated, and you should be wanting that fixed!
It sounds like you think you’re holier than these people because they want sex more than you do. That is frankly inconsistent with the Bible’s teaching on marriage, which is about bonding two people so they both serve God better together! Starving people make lousy workers!
Becca,
I was raised in a church group that promoted having all the kids that you can, being the perfect wife and mother that has it “all together”. So I understand were you are coming from.
I would encourage you to find websites/teachers that promote the fact that you are loved by Jesus Christ JUST AS YOU ARE, RIGHT NOW. He knew you before you were born, and went to the cross for you. He cannot be disappointed in you because he knew your every thought and action before He created you.
When your husband comes home from a long day at work, he is bushed. He needs love, gentleness, and maybe a back rub with no strings attached. Let him relax, and collapse. HE IS NOT PUTTING YOU OFF, OR REJECTING YOU, he’s just tooooooo tired. Men cannot “perform” when they are shot. Show him your love through the week. He needs your total acceptance in that he is supporting you and your children. He needs to know that you understand construction work is hard work, it takes everything that he has to do the job right, there is nothing left when he gets home, AND YOU LOVE HIM FOR IT.
The fact that your weekends are “awesome” proves that you ARE desireable in his eyes. Satan is using the reading that you have done to put doubt into your heart as to your lovers love for you. Relax in your husbands love, and stop tearing yourself up.
When my husband was working 12 hour shifts, I also stopped initiating. We have been married 25 years, and I am in my 50’s. There are 2 things that I have learned: this too shall pass, and when men get older they want and need more sex. Hang in there, the best is yet to come!
God gave us sex for two reasons, relationship and children, in that order. He also gave us brains, and common sense. For you to have more children would have been dangerous, don’t let those who have the “holier than thou” attitude, tell you what Gods will is for you. That is between you, your husband and the Lord, NO ONE ELSE. Relax, and trust in Christ’s love, and enjoy the children God gave you.
If you were a fly on the wall in the home of those perfect Christian wives, you would find that they are just as human as you, and DON’T “have it altogether”. Don’t compare yourself to them, because just like the magazines that show the perfect home, it’s a FAKE, it’s not reality, and can’t be because we are all human.
I am going to repeat myself, so forgive me, but I believe that this is important. It sounds like the reading that you have done is putting a roadblock between you and your husband. That is not Gods wisdom, but mans. Please, wash your mind and spirit with His wisdom, His Word. Seek His face, and rest in His love. God Bless You, Sister.
Thank you, Faith. Very much.
Becca,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I too come from a religious upbringing. I have learned though, regarding my sex drive and things I like…I had to Stop beating myself up about my high sex drive. I had always went around as a teen and later, feeling so much guilt about who I was; my passions and desires. We are all created unique but are all children of a loving Heavenly Father, who created each one of us. So, there for God created me with a high sex drive. What I believe he wants from us, is to find balance in life…the triad, emotional, physical, and spiritual. When we find balance in life, then we enjoy Peace.
All those moms from your church who post all the “happy” life is great pictures…are not uploading the images of their trials, struggles, and hardships. I had done something very bad and was seeking repentance, counsel from my Bishop. I felt I was so alone and such a Terrible person. He said Patrick, you’d be amazed every Sunday when I look out on the congregation, how many are having serious problems in their household. So…no matter all the happy pictures you see posted and all the happy smiles you see at church, there are problems people don’t want to take pictures of, and under those smiles, there are people whose hearts are troubled and breaking.
God created us with passion, and sex drives. I believe and have been taught that what couples do in there bedroom are up to them, as long as both agree and it doesn’t hurt the other person…in a bad way. Haha
I have been married for 30 years. We both have different sex drives. It has. Even this year thT we have been opening up more to each other and talking about our pasts and how our experiences may have shaped or hindered our drives. It’s been fun to be very open about desires, our likes and fantasies. By doing this, we are expanding our sexuality with one another which in turn, is spicing up our relationship.
Thanks again. Stop comparing with people you Think are the perfect. There aren’t any. Stop beating yourself up and find pleasure in your sexual relationship. That’s why God gave all you women the one thing that does nothing but provide intense, physical pleasure! Enjoy it.
Becca this may sound strange coming from a man but just tell your husband how you feel. Even more so, let him know what pleases you or that you would like to explore more together.
Kort
I feel the same!
I always initiate and I am not shy to talk about sex and I am VERY adventurous
My husband was addicted to pornography, he is in active recovery but he still rarely wants sex. I am an older woman but older men find me very attractive; I could cheat if I chose but I am faithful.
I don’t know how to get my husband more interested in sex; I am definitely NOT frumpy; I always wear makeup and have great fashion sense. Other men notice so I can’t understand why my husband compliments me but rarely wants sex.
I feel this way too. I’m having a hard time because he rarely initiates, and it’s always been that way. I used to do it almost every day through our early marriage and it was fine because I was ravenous about sex. Then I birthed my baby and trying to get back into it was hard because I took a long time to heal and he was so neutral about it. A lot of times that I tried to initiate beyond that, I’d be disappointed when he didn’t reciprocate or didn’t seem that enthusiastic. He regularly falls asleep while cuddling and/Or talking. He’s even fallen asleep while making out. Now I rarely do try to initiate, and he thinks I rarely do, so we rarely have sex and it’s rarely exciting if we do. I love him a lot and like him, but I just don’t want sex anymore and I tend to not want to be touched at all because ive been let down so many times. I was so used to being desired before I was married that this development was kind of shocking.
I actually sent my husband a message the other day, telling him I shaved a little more than my legs ;-). His response; rawr ;-)).
But great points, as usual.
Ha ha ha ha!
Great Ideas – any husband would love it is his wife did any or all of these ideas!!
Great tips Sheila! I definitely feel like this is out of my comfort zone. So reading up on this really helps.
Thanks for sharing.
Have a blessed day!
Becca, I would love to share a few things that have helped me. I see from reading what you said your husband DOES find you attractive, to work those long hours in a physically demanding job and still be able to have great sex twice a week is an amazing feat. We are farmers, and my husband also works off farm weed spraying, again long hours and physically demanding. Sometimes I milk cows for some neighbours, early mornings and late nights. Sex can be hard to fit in. But he is blessed that I desire him, and some days that has to be enough.
Many years ago I would listen every day to Focus on the family, I had to stop because it became like porn to me. Meaning that I would get upset because my husband didn’t live up to the expectations I heard about every day. But when I stepped back from that and took a realistic look at our marriage I could see that he might not put love letters in jars for me, or buy flowers, or go out to dinner. But that is not him, he shows his love in different ways.
Some things that you may find helpful, well things that work for us anyway. Go to him in the shower and wash his back. When he goes to bed exhausted, give him a massage. When you are just sitting on the couch watching telly massage his hands or arms, do these with no expectations of anything more. Sleep naked and let him know that you don’t mind being woken up in the middle of the night or early morning. We have always showered or bathed together, so our now late teenage/adult children just expect it, I often sit on his knee while watching a movie or just sitting around talking with the family, We usually give each other a touch or rub as we walk past one another, sometimes it might only be on the arm sometimes it might be somewhere more personal.
Don’t get down, give thanks for the good man you have. And don’t waste your time on marriage blogs etc that are telling you that you are doing it wrong. They are wrong for you.
these are great tips. Finding out what your husband’s love language is can be very helpful. My husband loves to be touched. So massages, back rubs help him relax, de-stress and sometimes get him ready for sex. Communication is essential between husband and wife. It’s very hard, if not impossible, to have a good sex life without talking and expressing your feelings and needs. If you and husband can’t talk/ communicate, that is the first issue you need to work on.
I have read article after article about him wanting it and the women not wanting it. What if the woman wants it but he doesn’t? What are we to do? I personally have tried everything from lingerie, to making his favorite meal, to going to bed in my birthday suit, to flat out asking and still get told “no”. It is now going on a year and a half. We are suppose to be in our prime time sexually but all I’m getting is pushed away. Advice and suggestions are very much wanted and welcomed.
Sharon, I totally hear you, and in about 30-35% of marriages now that’s the way it is. I have a whole series for women in that situation that starts here. I hope that helps!
Another thought on something that Becca mentioned, I’m sorry it’s a bit offtopic. I think it is very responsible to “only” have two children. Imagine if everyone had as many as possible in a world which is already struggeling with overpopulation and where so many people have children but are not willing to look after them properly.
There is so much pressure on wives for sex. Reading all these blogs and posts are stressful in themselves. Every now and again I would like to see a blog tellinghusbands to be intimate outside of sex, or be understanding when your wife is having libido issues, or even educate yourselves on the causes and possible treatments of a low libido. Instead, all I see is “suck it up and have sex”. And not only have sex, but pretend to be enthused about it. Having sex when you simply dont want to can be painful and damaging,and doing it anyway (as alot of us do) is a huge sacrafice, that i dont mind making occasionally. But where are the blogs telling my husband to make equally large sacrafices for me?? Please point me in that direction. I feel no “connection” during sex, because its just sex. I feel the whole “men feel loved through sex” is a lie, its just a tactic to make wives feel bad about something they have no control over. There are sooooooo many other ways i show my husband unconditional love throughout the day, but the only one that matters is sex??? Give me a break!
Oh, I really do hear you! And there are sites with male readerships that do help men see the women’s perspective {folks, jump in with good ones; I don’t regularly read them because I’m not a man, but I’ve seen some good ones}, but this blog does cater mostly to women. And there’s not much we can ever do except work on ourselves.
That said, I don’t think Sheila (or any other sites I’ve seen) are advocating the “suck it up” approach or suggesting gals “pretend to be enthused.” I think the idea is: get enthused and then you don’t have to pretend or suck it up!
I KNOW – that’s easier said than done. I used to have a quite low libido (for a variety of reasons) and even once said, “What’s so good about sex anyhow?! Who says it’s all that? Maybe I’m the normal one and everybody else is off base!” At the time I was quite serious but now that I’ve found my quite healthy libido, I realize the error of my thinking. This is a biological urge that God put in each of us {or “evolution” if you roll that way}. It is necessary for the survival of the species and it is meant to be fun for both parties. If it’s not, that’s likely the first place to focus.
Of course, the husband may have to adjust his expectations a bit, too. But if his approach is “I want some” (even if it’s a lot) and hers is “I don’t want any” (like mine attitude used to be), then the only place to change at first is hers. Besides, often he wants it “all the time” (or seems to, to someone who never wants it), because he’s never getting it. Once he gets some, that might settle down. Plus, that’s the only place to start for helping him to expect it less, when he’s getting some (good) sex in the first place. We can’t expect starving men to not want ANY food.
I don’t mean this is necessarily you. Honestly, I’m “tangent girl” tonight and went off on my past issues. But it seems they might be informative for someone reading. Blessings to you, my dear. Seriously. I know that’s such a hard spot to be in. I was there for many, many years (and it ultimately ruined my first marriage). I feel nothing but sadness when I think of how alone my previous husband must have felt, and I didn’t understand until it was years too late.
I have (slowly but surely) learned that most of the time my feelings follow my actions. Fake til you make it 😉
Here is a site that might helpful if your husband is a Christian and wants to love you as Christ loves the church – https://www.youtube.com/user/savemartg
I did the nice nightie deal and my husband decided to play “she’s rocking the beer gut” can you write article for husbands. What not to dowben your wife initiates
Hello again everyone,
Thanks for your replies and your encouragement. To those of you who feel like me, I’m sorry, I know how painful it can be.
To the other wives who don’t seem to like sex, or have low libido, I may not know how you feel – or even understand it – but I am so sorry. How strange that sex can be the root of so many different problems. Thank you Sheila, for giving us a forum to discuss it. I do believe men feel loved through sex (most men anyway), because I know I do – and I think that’s why I get so upset when my husband doesn’t seem to want it. In fact, when he says he loves me or tells me how beautiful I am – I get so upset because I think he’s just blowing hot air – then he gets upset that I don’t believe him! But seriously, if he felt that way, why wouldn’t he desire sex more often than once or twice a week? So many articles you read say that men think of sex constantly – so if I am ready and willing – and he doesn’t want to take advantage of the opportunity – then what other conclusion can I draw? He’s not attracted to me enough to want to be with me more often – so telling me I’m beautiful is just mean! I have asked him what I should do – get breast implants – get veneers – dye my hair – lose weight – what?! And he won’t answer! He says he loves me just the way I am – but obviously not. Actions speak louder than words, right? THAT is why I won’t initiate. Most times he will respond if I initiate, but that is pity sex, and that makes me feel even worse about myself. All I want is to feel desirable – to my husband – not to anybody else. Am I nuts? Because sometimes I feel so frustrated!
Thank you for listening. It helps just to be able to express my feelings.
Oh sweetie, I hear you!! SO much, I hear you. I’m big on small steps and experiments. What if – for ONE WEEK – every time your husband says you’re beautiful, smile big, say “thank you”, and resist the urge to downplay it in your head or out loud. Whether you deep-down think he means it or not, ACT like he does. {The smile first is crucial, not just because it communicates to your husband, but more important, because it tells your brain that you mean it. Seriously.}
Just that, one week, every time.You’ve inspired me to try my own version of the experiment this week. Thanks!!
I’ll try. I really will. It’s so hard when I don’t believe it, but I’ll give it a try. Thanks Kendra!
Becca, It seems to me that the two of you are expressing love to one another in the way that you want to receive love. If you’ve not read The Five Love Language I would highly recommend it. Just from what you’ve written it seems like physical touch is your love language and when you try and express love to him in the way you need to receive and he rejects you then you start doubting yourself and feeling rejected. However, the same goes for him. He is expressing love to you in the way he wants to receive it which is words of affirmation and when you reject his loving words and accuse him of lying or even in your heart think he is because he is rejecting you physically you are doing the same thing to him. Think about how hurt you feel when he rejects your physical advances. Now think about how hurt he must feel when you reject his words of love. You seem to be shooting right over each other. My advice would be to give him love in the way he is showing you he needs it. Shower him with words of love and affirmations of your affection and see what it does to him. It will awaken him and then there might be an opening for you to tenderly talk to him about how he can make you feel loved and cherished. And absolutely do what was suggested above. When he gives you words of love then just accept them. Don’t let Satan tell you they are anything different then what they are, which are affirmations of his love. Just a thought!
Hmmmm… interesting. My husband’s family is not a very affectionate bunch. They aren’t touchy feely people. My family wasn’t really either, but we did hug a lot more. Yet my family was not big on words of affirmation. In fact, they were more likely to put one another down. I was so cute and athletic as a teenager (I’ve seen pictures!) – but I didn’t think so. My older sister told me almost every day how fat and ugly I was. I believed her! I think in some ways, I still do. I told my husband not that long ago, that when people compliment you they are usually lying (to butter you up for whatever reason), but when they say something negative they are telling the truth – because who would be mean enough to say mean things unless they were true. The truth hurts, right? Wow – do I have issues or what? It sure sounds kind of stupid when I reread it.
And I have noticed through the years that my husband – who is a VERY hard worker – is happiest at a job where his boss recognizes his hard work and takes the time to say so. I think you may be onto something here, Melissa. He does seem pretty happy when I speak words of affirmation to him, and even more when I speak positively of myself (which isn’t often). Maybe I have a lot of praying and heart examining to do. For some reason, I do not like to be complimented – it makes me downright uncomfortable, even angry at times, and I almost never believe it. I wish I could get past that, but I’m not really sure how.
Thanks for commenting – you have given me a lot to think and pray about.
Becca, you are not alone. :-/
Becca, it’s not about you. Your guy could be married to Miss America or a Victoria’s Secret model & respond the same way. Apparently, his lack of desire is rooted in how HE’S put together, physically or emotionally, not how he feels about you.
There are many physical and emotional issues that can decrease a man’s libido. Even just nt being able to keep up with you sexually must leave him feeling ashamed, as limp as a crushed cabbage leaf. If he has to have intercourse to prove he loves you & considers you beautiful, and he cannot, then your protests are telling him you consider him oess than manly.
Unless he’s into porn or masturbating (this can be a control issue if he’s feeling belittled) then his low libido may be the result of 10 extra pounds (men lose an inch for every 10 pounds of extra weight, which leaves them less able), high or low blood sugar, fatigue, anemia, poor diet, thyroid disease, low testosterone, sex headaches, certain medications, Celiac disease, poor circulation… the list is endless.
I know if you’re desperate for more physical intimacy, none of this is going to satisfy your needs, but perhaps it might give you perspective. Whatever you do, don’t nag him about any of the above mentioned possibilities. If you show concern for his health, don’t make it about sex. He needs to feel loved by you, not just a meeter of needs.
I can’t tell you how to “fix him.” For better or worse includes sex, I’m afraid. Believing that everyone else is having sex every day doesn’t help. Supposedly, the “average” is twice a week. That means some get more and some get less. Perhaps he would be willing to satisfy you ways that do not include intercourse, if you ask nicely. Once onvolved, he made fht get interested. But I can tell you, the most mind blowing orgasm is more likely to happen when he is focused on you alone, and ypu might be glad you had the chance to find out. Seeing you in ecstasy will be a blessing to a truly loving husband. I pray God blesses you both.
Hey, in my first year of marriage sex was about once a fortnight and I would get all offended and cry a lot thinking all the stuff about not being attractive enough especially since this was supposed to be the “honeymoon period”. Our lives were so busy tho with studying and working & that was before kids! My husband too is a hard worker who is up at 4:30-5 and tired by 7:30. He is a wonderful wonderful man! On holidays we are more intimate (possibly 2-3 times a week) but it is usually once a week. And I’m ok with that now! It’s actually perfect for us. I know my hubby loves me and finds me attractive and there is no rule about how much sex is normal. I have come to like it this way because it isn’t a mundane thing we have to do all the time. I have learned to love and appreciate him for who he is and be secure in his love – not comparing our intimacy to other people’s ‘normal’.
Honestly a man wants to be desired just like a woman if not more. Think about it, mother’s mold them and love them and where do they get that love that has been long gone from their youth. They should be getting it from their spouse or they will have unfulfilled desire just like anyone else.
I had two failed marriages and it wasn’t until my new relationship that I felt like I was from another planet. I can’t even imagine what I put those men through. I felt I didn’t have to put in any effort, that it should be all on them. Like I was God’s gift and I should be catered to.
I was so wrong. I now work at my relationship, I’m learning to talk and share my feelings my desires, my deepest fantasies. I feel I can now be free and it is so scary because I didn’t even know myself. It has been quite journey. I am determined to be everything I need to be for me first so I can give my all to moving forward.
By God’s grace, if that means roleplaying, dressing up or whatever it is count me in. Your spouse is the better part of you and you are the better part of your spouse. Make it happen, the marriage bed is undefiled. Their is world of pleasure right at your fingertips. I have done things I couldn’t even conceive or dream happening.
Trustin God and dig deep, don’t get in the way of yourself. Love is what you make it.
Question: what about when the husband is the overthinker? It’s difficult for him to initiate without overthinking it. And he’s an external processor, so he doesn’t overthink in his head, he overthinks out loud. And it doesn’t exactly get me in the mood. I’ve told him many times that if he wants to do it, then do it! Chances are better than not that I will respond really well if he just straight-up initiates! And then sometimes when I initiate he also overthinks, which totally kills MY mood. This is the way his brain works, he’s a thinker and a researcher by nature, but it’s not helpin’ life in the bedroom, ya know what I mean?
Great post. I find often it just slips my mind to make an effort. These posts are super, full of real life and do-able ideas. Thank you x
Sheila, thank you so much for this blog! I just found it a few days ago, but already I am hooked. I have just recently come to think about sex with my husband differently – I never understood why he wanted it so much all the time before! Your blog is one of the tools that has really helped me understand him better, and it’s helping our love life a lot (especially the 29 Days to Great Sex)! And I love that it is Bible-based. I would have died of embarrassment looking at books on this topic in a bookstore, so I thank the Lord for the internet! I am thinking of ordering some of your books from Amazon, too. I so wish my mother would have explained a lot of things to me before I got married, but she and my dad never talked to us about relationships at all. Now I am so looking forward to sharing a lot of important information with my daughter as she grows up (she’s only 5 now) so she can have an easier, healthier start to her marriage when that time comes!
Oh, Kay, so glad you found the blog, and I’m glad that I’ve been helping you!
One evening my wife was trying to initiate sex. She was in bed before I was. She was naked with the sheets up to her neck. I had no idea what she was doing. I crawled into bed gave a kiss goodnight the started to fall asleep. She got upset at me for not pouncing.
I and my husband avoided premarital sex and I thought in marriage we will be like other normal couples. We ve sex less than once a month (like 10 or even less times a year)and he looks for all reasons to run away from sex. He complains of tiredness from sex!!! He looks for fights during weekends. He was a virgin before marriage. I have tried talking things, that we can even just cuddle ones our child is asleep, but he will sleep earlier than the child if he is at home early. I have complained and nagged too and all he says is that I should go get satisfaction somewhere else. I am even thinking of an affair, starting an emotional one first. I wish we had no kid, I did ve think of divorce more. Just wish I had a normal marriage
He should see a doctor, maybe he has a sleep disorder. That could cause him to be sleepy, not want sex, and be irritable on the weekends.
Just wanted to say thanks for the article.
I am 30. in the beginning of my relationship, i wanted sex all the time, few times a day all over the place. Now married, there was a period of time where he didnt want sex and i was depressed and upset about being in a sexless marriage. but now tables have turned, he wants sex ALL the time. and i have NO drive! its gone! Im either tired or not in the mood, i honestly could go with out. When we have it, im just ready to get it over with. One of the things is, for some reason, i focus more on the “pain” of having sex rather than the pleasure. Im just very upset that my libido has completely vanished–and there’s all these things to stimulate pleasure but heck i just want a magic pill for that! its to much work to put a mid aged woman in the mood compared to a younger woman! Im getting quite concerned considering, this has been very recent feeling for me and i use to be vamped for sex. (and this is probably the #1 reason why men do have affairs) because their wives have zero libido 🙁
Wow!!
Hi, how to deal with it when the tables are turned. My husband has no libido and doesnt initiate sex? Which after 1 year of marriage feels like a slap in the face.
Hi Jacqueline, that’s so hard! I have a series of posts that may help you on what to do when your husband doesn’t want to make love. Here’s the first one; there are links to the others there. Hope that helps!
So, I’m late forties and heading for the anticipated ‘scAriest’ event of womanhood – the change. I’ve dreaded my whole life and done as much as humanly possible to know and support its imminent arrival. So far so good, unbelievably my sex drive has just gone exponential – I’ve never been this ‘driven’. Sadly my husband is three years post prostate surgery and uninterested but takes a tablet to maintain relations, He rarely initiates events and I’m So tired of being rejected, my body and soul aches for pleasure, the guilt is huge. I can’t discuss this with him without making him feel bad. He struggles to perform and I give the reassurance required for him to ‘get there’, but am never satisfied, I’m always focused in his pleasure and rarely receive my own ‘just desserts’. Initiating sex is tentative because he’s concerned he won’t get there – but after three years I ve become selfish in my ‘recently driven heightened’ state. I have needs. Please advise, Desperate
Hi everyone! This has been great to read. I’m a 25 year old newlywed and had thought I would be having lots of sex as a newlywed (based off of blogs and opinions). I am not. It’s been a very stressful time for us as we have been working a lot and going to school as well. We’ve been married for 4 months, and had tried many times in the beginning to have sex, but it hasn’t quite worked out well. My husband has orgasmed but I never have. We were both virgins prior to marriage.
In the beginning I was very well interested in trying qns figuring it out, but I have recently found out that I don’t even think about sex anymore. The only thought I ever have about it about how we aren’t doing it and if I should be worried. We’ve recently gotten really busy as the semester ends and there a tons of things to do with work and school, so I blame it on that. I just wanted to know if anyone else has had this experience or knows if this is normal. I sense that he tried to initiate sex sometimes but I’m usually so tired after dinner, and he tries to respect that. I love my husband a lot, and worry that perhaps i am not making him a priority. I am very open to anyone’s interpretation and/or suggestion.
i can see that you are too busy thinking on what you should do and not what you want to. having sex like animals when you are recently married is a stereotype that movies and people make, but is not necessesary. you are just married, you have your hole life to have sex, but now you need to increment your confidence with your husband in a way you won´t ever do it with anyone else. maybe you need to put your desks together and study at the same time, asking for help when you don´t understand something. remember, its just like before, but 24hrs and now you can spice up without feeling guilty! 😉
What do you mean by,
“you need to increment with your confidence with your husband in a way you won’t ever do it with anyone else”
and
“asking for help when you don’t understand something”
Love what you wrote! Thank you..sometimes it’s easy to forget our importance and to get creative. — Now do you have a post for helping men to initiate?
Wow, read all your blogs. My husband allways initiates, i’ve never made a move. I’ve been married 5 years n v hv 2 little kids, i’m very heavy n feel very shy n embarresed. But my husband makes me feel the happiest n beautiful women ever, v make love 4 to 5 times a week n sometimes twice a night but i’ve never ever made the first move. I think its the way i’v been brought up, if girls made the first move she’s sex crazy n thts really bad. As in our culture v r not allowed to hv sexual relations. U r only allowed sex after u r married. After reading your 10 tips im definatly going to mke the first move n im gona do it 2nite.
Awesome! Have fun.
Sheila thanks so much for the tip. I am 31 years old, mother of four. My husband hates me because of my lack of sex. I was having a lot of pain in my stomach. I had gallstones, but it has been taken out two weeks ago, but he doesn’t understand how I was feeling. Please help me to make my marriage work. He is always away travelling, but I want him to have a better sex when he’s with me. Please tell me what to do.
Wow! Complaining about once or twice a week! I’m a man, my wife never really had a lot of interest in sex. I’d LOVE even just once a week at this point. I used to ask every single night and she’d say ‘no’ ‘no’ ‘no’ so after about 10 days — 2 weeks I’d sometimes feel pretty rejected and not ask for a night or two — but that just made her mad and she’s say “why haven’t you asked to make love for the past two nights? You don’t find me attractive? you aren’t turned on by me??” OR she’d wake up the next morning and say “I wanted to make love last night — too bad you missed it, you should have asked.” Honestly it felt like she was just playing games with me. So now, I don’t ask. At all. And she’s just fine with it. We do have sex though, on a predictable schedule: once 6-10 days after her monthly visitor (when she’s ‘fertile’ and her hormones are acting up) and sometimes, but not lately, the night BEFORE her monthly visitor. Twice a month on a good month. Which was all it had been for the past 10 years or so anyway but at least I’ve finally stopped getting my hopes up in between. So, enjoy what you have. Once or twice a week — smile, that’s pretty good!
Well I know what you mean, my husband don’t want to make love and when he does he finishes soooo fast that it leaves me frustrated that he falls asleep. This is a special moments that is just for him and I, but I feel that is all about him and then he calles it a day. It’s only 4 years. I Have try everything and I don’t get no reaction. This sucks royalty.
That’s a shame, Way2Go. And it’s especially hard that it’s only been 4 years for you and he’s like this. I hope he changes somehow soon.
I used to just let my husband take his two-minute trip and go to sleep, reasoning that he worked really hard, was really tired, and was just too exhausted for more, poor thing!
Not anymore!😂 Now I cozy up to him and say, “Baby, I didn’t quite get there, but you got me so close that I can’t sleep! Could we have another go, or could you please finish me by hand?” I’m very sweet and coaxing, but I don’t just let him roll over and go to sleep anymore!
Result: He obliges, plus he’s been initiating a little more often and has been a little more engaged in foreplay.
I think part of our unfulfillment as wives is that we leave out honesty (which leaves them oblivious) or we leave out sweetness. Who wants to get busy with a nag or a shrew?! So maybe try speaking up very sweetly (but persistently!), and make sure you’re being sweet across the board.
I am a woman aged 47, I enjoy sex a lot more now than when I was younger. It is indeed an issue of life.
I am 56 yoa been married 2 years to the man I loved 30 years ago, sex has been good but in the last 6 months or so NOTHING MUCH! I am a stress eater and have put on about 20 pounds since we have been married and I don’t think he is attracted to me anymore, I’m not attracted the me! Is it really the truth when the men say “your weight doesn’t matter” or is it just a crock?
Oh please! I can’t imagine a guy not finding his wife attractive just because she put on 20 pounds or so! If he does think this is that big of an issue that he isn’t attracted as much to you he seems very shallow and should at least TELL you how he feels and talk about it but more importantly, you two should get into counseling. Both of you will go through bodily changes over the next 5-10 years — people age, they gain weight, things like that happen — it’s the PERSON that you are attracted to, not the weight on the scale or the size clothes you fit into.
It makes me sad to read atleast most of u ladies hv some sort of a reason. Im just 29 yrs, we dont hv kids. My husband is only 33.Our sex life is really bad. We hv only once a month or even worse. It was not lik this before but for one year it has been like this. He is a really nice guy and I knw he cares abt me more than anythin in this world. I hv no doubt abt it. We hv discussed abt this issue and it nvr arrived out any convulsion. All I can think is he is not attracted towards me romantically. This has become a major thing in my life since I just feel so sad inside me. Its not like we dont hv time or anything like that. Now he tels me I should initiate and start it first. But the thought he doesn’t find me attractive enough to hv sex doesnt allow me to go forward.
Sheila,
I have read your blog quite often lately and am thankful for it and often in tears reading some of the posts. I have been faithfully married to my husband for 27 years we have 9 children. My problem is that my sex drive has dramatically increased ( thyroid meds finally kicked in) and my husband who knows I want it every night says that he suddenly has a low sex drive. I do believe that stress from his job is high because he feels that he could be let go due to not enough work to keep him billable. He asks me to keep him in prayer about this situation, we should probably pray more as a family. He always ends up finding work to do for his company and he is NOT into porn. That was a old problem that has been dealt with and repented for. I know he is not cheating on me ( I checked his fb messages! and he works from home). I have been doing a lot of crying myself to sleep lately and many nights just can’t sleep so when my best friend told him about just how badly I was feeling ( lack of sleep makes you crazy) he laughed. Probably more out of disbelief, but his comment was ” what comes around goes around”. He says it is my turn to be turned down. He says that for years I turned him down and avoided him ( he is sadly mostly right ). Our sex life was never great, I never had orgasms until years later when I was pregnant and finally got some female stimulation gel. I never enjoyed the way he touched me, it was like groping. But, in the last 5 years my husband has become a wonderful lover, making me feel totally loved , desired and taken care of. I spoke to a Priest about the situation recently in confession and he said that we should go to counseling and to a doctor. But when we spoke later that day he made me feel so much better. He told my friend that I am in a “selfish phase” right now. ( because I want sex a lot! ) I told him how I really appreciate the way he has changed his love making and desire him so much now. I believe that masturbation is sinful because as you said in a previous comment it is done in secret, and it is solitary as well as selfish, not self sharing, so does my husband.
My husband now keeps calling me selfish for wanting sex. He will not spend time with me doing anything except at night watching tv before bed. I told him I feel that he does not want to be around me, do anything with me etc. I am always the one who has to think or plan on anything we do as a couple and as a family. I told him I was somewhat tired of it. I would love for him for once to plan something for us to do. I am tired of being lonely despite my husband being with me 24 hours a day!
We have made love twice since we talked the first time he initiated! ( It used to be only him who did this ). The 2nd time it was during the day and I took him by surprise! Now he is staying up late at night to avoid coming to bed, then he immediately turns onto his stomach. He won’t touch me at all. Tonight when he came to bed at midnight I was standing in a cami by our bed and he said ” what are YOU wearing?” but that was it…..
I am not sure what to do. I have been in prayer about this, because he keeps saying things about me being selfish and acting like ” a kid in a candy shop who can’t get enough”. He says he is concerned. I think it may be bringing back memories of his first girlfriend who wanted to have sex several times a day. So what should I do? Should I totally stop trying and initiating, start wearing flannels to bed? Should I pray that God takes my sexual desire away? My friend suggested I just stop everything. I think I am TOTALLY turning him off. I want a husband who wants to spend time with me and enjoys it. I want intimacy and feel like I can only get it through sex because he usually works 12 hours a day. I am a full time caretaker for one of my parents as well as mother to most of my children who are still at home .
I have read a lot of your posts and really feel for many of your readers, it makes me feel grateful for what I do have but I am still left feeling empty and alone and searching for advice.
Thank you again.
This is my first time reading the article even though I am a long time fan and follower. I just don’t think I was ready to hear it! But now I am and you have totally changed my attitude and really shed some light on how my actions have been hurting my husband…. however I just found out we are expecting baby #4 so I should go read your hormone post because I am heading into another dry spell after one just finished…. :/
Congratulations on your new little one! That’s awesome, Alexis! And I’m glad you read this–the next little while may be difficult with all the babies, but don’t worry–marriage is decades long!
Jen, It can be very hard to understand that a fairly young husband is changing too. He’s not a twenty something anymore that is always instantly hard by just looking at you.
It’s not at all about your looks. Guys love your beautiful sexual parts even if you’ve gained weight. He’s likely starting a slow hormone decent that continues bringing his libido down.
So, he NEEDS YOU to bring some excitement and enthusiasm to build up his desire. Initiating sex shows him you desire him too, not just enduring sex. Trying some suggestive texts, greeting him with a kiss and roaming hands and telling him how much you appreciate him might bring back interest. Likely he just needs a slight nudge to see you’ll meet him halfway in the starting something department. Then start reading to excite yourself to try or suggest new things. Ask what he wants to try. Tell him what you want. A little novelty can go a long way!
Hi i was just wondering what should i do if im the.one with the higher sex drive and i am always the one who initiates sex with my husband. Is there something wrong with me. I feel like it’s not normal to have the desire to have sex with my husband every other night.
Oh, honey, you’re right in the sweet spot!😂
I want it every night and several times a day! That’s “normal” for me, only really dipped below that right after my babies were born.
Whatever your usual rate of desire is, that’s your “normal”. If your “normal” and his don’t match, a mutually loving couple can and should adjust for that. But humans are wired for sex, and if they don’t want it, that usually points to a problem. Wanting it frequently with a spouse is an indicator of love and good health! Don’t feel bad about that!😄
i don’t know if i can do this but i will try now.
Hi! my husband & me haven’t done sex for 2 yrs & still counting…..I do cry for this….but he is so careless about all this….about me….never talk about anything…….just works and do his homely duties……sleeps immediately when in bed…..We have 2 children…..when it’s holiday, he watches his favourites on laptop…I’m so frustrated.he is always stressed.don’t know why??he’s not daring at all….& he is not after any other woman..
I read this and I love the ideas. But honestly I don’t initiate because every time I do I am rejected. It seems to only happen when he initiates it, therefore I know he wants to. What then? My drive is way higher than his and I try to be understanding. I also have that voice in the back off my head that there’s something wrong with me because I want to so much more than my husband. I’m the female, he’s the male. He’s supposed to wasn’t too and I’m not. So what wrong with me? I guess I’ll keep trying and praying about it.
Been trying too long, never gonna work with me and my wife. Sometimes that’s just what happens——if one side won’t work on themselves or the marriage, it’s time to go. For me, my credit’s ruined and she’s gotten everything she can and doesn’t want the rest.
“Men are usually afraid of getting rejected, and if he tends to have the higher sex drive in your marriage, he may have conditioned himself to never think about it, or to try not to assume you’re going somewhere, because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up.” BOOM. Nail hit on head.
That’s not the sign of a grown up male. Sounds like a boy.jea
Very good article and nice touch. I think you hit it here, especially leading him in to the bedroom but not with his hand. If only.
We are educated by women . we are all boys
Women are afraid of maybe not being rejected, but of the man judging her body. Okay so now we see that the man and woman both have fears!
Stop defending the husband…….. people. Women don’t initiate sex, because men don’t iniatiate conversation with the wife and men don’t initiate cooking the meals. People please stop talking about women not initiating sex. You all have beat that horse to death. Why in the heck should she initiate the sex…. when he is the one who wants it so much?
Nailed it on the head!! Boojah!
I’m in amazement if we have sex twice a month and I usually itintiate it. I’m not sure if my relationship is just mature or we are just not so focused on sex. I think I’m the one with the higher sex drive (I’m 37, 5’6″ size 6 long brown hair and put on makeup to look good for my husband and myself). We have 3 children (13, 8 & 2) and work together in our own business. We cuddle, have dates, and talk, talk, talk. We’ve been together for more than 14 years. Nothing is wrong with us if we don’t have sex daily and I wish people would stop comparing themselves and not feel normal. You have to find your grove and do your best.
Shannon
I’m married and its about to be an year.we didn’t made love to each other yet.I want to start it as soon as possible.I’m so sick of it.please reply me if you have any suggestions.
I have noticed through the years that my husband – who is a VERY hard worker – is happiest at a job where his boss recognizes his hard work and takes the time to say so. I think you may be onto something here, Melissa. He does seem pretty happy when I speak words of affirmation to him, and even more when I speak positively of myself (which isn’t often).
Hi everyone,
It hurts me to hear that most women lack sex in there lives and thats not okey as much as its not written how many times one should have sex but the bottom line is that sex completes a relationship. That is the time when the two of you make ideas build your plans and come up with suggestions.
Before my husband and i did not have as much sex as i wanted as a woman. But i researched and actually found out that he was actually cheating on me. It was so hard to believe because this guy was actually home on time, he never rejected to eat at home as much as he could at times come home late he would still tell me to warm the food for him. I cannot really explain it but it really broke me down to a point that our relationship was to end. We have a daughter and the fact that i found out that he was cheating on me nearly broke my daughters heart cause of the constant fighting,screaming,crying.I stopped taking care of him in every manner and i would rather forget my past and to set the record straight,please my fellow women i think the fewer the kids the better.
After the traumatising incident i decided i will not walk out on my mariage but give it a second chance. I became wise. Whennever he would come home at whatever time i would still warm his meals,asked him if he wanted to shower ,massage him and asked him about his day knowing so well that he was from seeing another woman and i did everything he wanted. God is great that i can say,this man changed for the better. Everything is so good that i think i live in a fairy tale.
My sex life has greatly improved that we always text each other on what he wants me to wear at dinner, he sometimes comes from work earlier than me and takes our daughter to his mothers place so that we can have the house to ourselves. If he has not travelled for work we can have sex twice or thrice a day and i love it.
I feel that these women whom are not intimate with there husbands should do more reserarch and find out even if its fatigue it cannot be excussed. That is your partner sex should not be asked for it should come automatically no matter how tired you are. I have never begged for sex from my husband and i dont want to in the near futur. For the women who are complaining that there husbands have sex all the time appreciate it because when the time comes that they dont to be intimate with you you will be washing your sheets with tears.
This article has some pretty good ideas. My husband and I have been married almost a year now and still have not had sex. We’ve barely talked about it (3 times, but who’s counting?) and still haven’t tried what we discussed. I’m pretty sure both he and I fall under the ‘afraid of our performance and rejection’ category, seeing as we’re both virgins. I also tend to talk myself out of trying for one teason or another which are actually just the fear talking. I naively thought at the beginning of outr marriage sex would just happen, but after months of nothing I figured it wasn’t going to happen on it’s own because he wasn’t initiating like I thought he would. It was only after reading blogs like this one that it finally hit me that I’m just as responsible for initiation, which you would think I already knew, but apparently a lot of women are under the impression that the guy should be the one to initiate all the time. Personally I would like for him to show he desires me that way, but I’m thinking that will take me mustering my courage and showing him I do want this, just like I should have on our wedding night, only I can’t change the past.
I cannot fathom being married to a woman and not having sex in the parking lot outside the church, let alone living together for a year and not having sex. I see that couples really need to discuss things on a more intimate level before they get married.
I would seriously question that I was married if I didn’t have sex. Seek counseling for both of you or for yourself if he will not go.
So, my husband asked me to read the article on initiating and I ended up here. To be honest, I do try to initiate, maybe not often, or at least not as often as he’d like, but I do try. And I like to be adventurous, but I’ve come across a huge brick wall in this endeavor. For 3 going on 4 years now, I have been living with cronic knee pain. There are so many things I want to do and try but it hurts too much to truly enjoy them, let alone just go with it for his enjoyment. It’s a bit of a turn-off for your husband when he sees your in pain because you didn’t want to make him stop and disappoint him. There are few things, aka positions, that I can handle now. And I know he has tried many times to do things to help, but he just doesn’t understand that it only turns him on and makes me feel nothing except weird. At this point, I’m not sure how I can resolve the situation, or if I even can. Would you have any suggestions?
Do you think it would be helpful if wives and husbands’s at down and told the other, what they need and what hurts them?
Have you seen a chiropractor about your knee? My mom was told she’d need knee surgery to get rid of her knee pain, but went to the chiro instead and is now pain-free without surgery or meds!
As far as your husband goes, tell him in your sweetest voice what works for you and what doesn’t. This really should be a natural part of sexual conversation between spouses, though we often keep quiet out of concern for each other’s feelings, or frustration because you did tell him and he still didn’t get it quite right, or timidity because it feels weird or even wrong to say stuff out loud. There isn’t “wrong” between loving husbands and wives who are being true to each other, just things that feel good and make you feel loved and cherished, and things that don’t. It’s loving and healthy to let each other know which is which, as long as you do it in a spirit of making the marriage better!
My problem is I used to have no problem initiating, when we were younger and I knew I was attractive, but since having kids and getting fat, struggling with weight loss and having hubby say things about my weight including “I’m not attracted to you anymore” when I was 7 months pregnant with our second child, I feel too self-conscious. I know he wants me to, but I can’t even undress completely around him anymore, I feel so ugly. I keep wanting to lose weight but I comfort eat when things go bad with hubby. Which they often do, because he claims to be a Christian but won’t come to church, our oldest is 9 now and i can easily count on one hand the number of times he has come to church with me since we had our first child. I’m the spiritual head of our household and constantly feel like I’m filling shoes too big for me, and I become resentful, knowing he SHOULD be doing it. The worst issues happen when he’s been drinking, but he refuses to believe he has a problem. I don’t know where to even start working on things now.
Hubby and I both need to lose weight. His waistline has increased and I have gained a few inches too.
I still am confused as to why people keep writing and saying that the wife should initiate sex. If he wants it more, what is the problem with him reaching out to her.
I think the one who is horny and wants it more, should initiate it. Doesn’t the one who likes sweets the most, usually go into the kitchen and bake? Puzzled.
I want to have sex more than my husband, but I also want to feel pursued and desired by him! So sometimes I approach him directly, and sometimes I just dangle the bait and hope he makes a move. Initiating is more likely to get me what I want physically. But it doesn’t always feed me emotionally the way it does when he starts it.
I love the article and your blog. Good advise that I wish some of your readers would accept. I mean after reading the comments… he want’s sex too much, he doesn’t want sex ever, he doesn’t see me as attractive, all he does is touch me, he doesn’t ask “correctly”, he doesn’t ask at the right moment, he doesn’t read my mind and do what I want…. Take some responsibility. It would do both of you and your marriage some good!
I am not happy with my married life because my hubby doesn’t have time for wife .he has too much time for his friends. He doesn’t give me attention.he came back to home everyday after two am. I have one baby two year completed for my marriage my hubby do sex once after every two days.plz suggest
I would give ANYTHING for my husband to touch me. We haven’t had sex in over four years and he doesn’t think it’s a big deal at all. I’ve given up completely but then I see things like this. I’ve tried it all. I’ve asked him if there is someone else, porn, even if he is gay. I get nowhere. Empty broken promises.
I have been in a relationship with a man 10 years my senior. And although he is in his mid-50s, the passion in the bedroom has been somewhat lackluster. I’m in my prime and clearly he is not. So rather than get frustrated, I’m going to take your advice. Thanks!
I have a higher sex drive than my husband. At first I thought he didn’t want me or that I didn’t do it for him or that he wasn’t trying hard enough. Sex with my husband has become a necessity to me so I had to talk to him. I told him that even though our relationship is wonderful and sacred and filled with love and respect, I want to keep that feeling of being excited when he comes home from work, I wanted to go on dates, to receive flowers when we could afford it and have more sex. I told him I was sorry that I never gave him that lustful period when we first started dating and I want to give it to him now. What he said surprised me. He said, “maybe I just want to enjoy getting that from you for a change. “. It made sense to me because he always seemed to be able to show how much he cherished me more than I could show him. I was very willing to give that to him. He deserved it. Ever since then, our sex is phenomenal. Exploratory. Uninhibited and daily. And I wouldn’t change it for anything. As a result, our relationship has gotten even better. We are close before but now we are close on an unspoken carnal level. Our love for each other has surpassed the “I love you. I don’t know what I’d do without you” to “I love you intensely. We are bound and connected and fused by our innate intimacy. ” I have never felt better-it has affected my psyche, other relationships, my work ethic and my acceptance for myself. I highly recommend it.
What websites books, lists, etc do you recommend for the husband? Is there a partner sight for men?
After 27 years of a marriage I gave up. My wife never understood one dam thing about me. We must have been the 2 most sexually incompatible people on earth. Your advice is not only sound but correct. I should have ended the relationship after the 1st 6 months. Later my children were born and well you hold on for them, I really loved my wife but she killed our relationship. Her good girls don’t like sex mentality destroyed all the passion in my heart and turn me into what I hated the most … I cheater . Thanks for helping others understand how we think, someone is lucky to have you .
This is a very interesting post with some good advice I think. I know personally I struggle in this area on a daily basis. My husband has a high libido and works from home. So as a result not only am I struggling to match his desires, I genuinely struggle with our different fatigue levels. I often wish we could just have sex earlier in the evening, but somehow he always gets “in the mood” after midnight. Earlier in the evening when it would be more convenient and I try to set up the mood so I can actually get into it; he’s doing his work and wants to be left alone. He also has it in his mind that I don’t ever want to have sex and so even when I try to be more direct, he openly discredits me and isolates himself. Or a common situation is he will be going through the motions to initiate (usually a long flirty conversation) and I may do something ambiguous like turn my head a certain way and he gets upset immediately and shuts it down. I try to explain that I didn’t mean anything verbally and with touch. He never believe me though and he aggressively isolates himself saying things like “it’s ok, I’m not in the mood anymore.” and leaving the room.
It’s like I can’t win.
I havent had sex with nlmy husband for almost1 year. Im scared to go for it while he is asleep.. what if he rejects me…?
I see Becca’s point. I have been married close to 7yrs and I can say 6 out of these 7yrs my husband has cheated on me both physically n through other means (sex chats etc ) At a point I brought it up he showed no remorse n even blamed my being too involved with the baby. My issue is, I can’t bring myself to trust him again or do intimate things with free abandonment as a wife would n should cos I have this sense of feeling of ‘do I measure up to his other sex partners ‘ especially when I know n have seen evidence of his still being involved with them. I have prayed n keep praying but most times I feel maybe I should just file for a divorce. We also go for months without any form of intimacy, so what would you advise in such a case?
This article came too late for me to prevent my husband from having an affair. Although I don’t blame myself for his choice, I can look back at my laziness of the past several years of rejecting him several times a month for one reason or another. The end of 1 Corinthians 7:5 echoes in my head and I accept full responsibility for allowing Satan to tempt my husband. We’re working on our marriage, heading to Weekend to Remember at the end of this month and we’re fighting for our marriage. Can’t help the tears that flow and I know they won’t be ending anytime soon. The past 3 weeks have felt like months. Praise God for all the events that lead to my husband admitting what happened. I honestly wished I had this article 6 months ago when he had started to become distant. But praise God we’re healing!!!
I’m glad you’re on a good road, Jenni! And it sounds like you’re both really addressing the issues. That’s wonderful, and I wish you all the best!
I just feel so sad when I read this because I feel like my husband doesn’t want me anymore. You say that it’s men who feel wanted and loved by having sex often but that goes for some women, too. And not all men. My husband is like a 90 year old. He’s only 49. I just turned 40. We have been married for nearly seven years. At first the sex was regular and great. I felt so loved and so desired. After his father died in 2014 everything changed. Writing this makes me cry and I don’t want to do that. I have to get up and carry on tomorrow, you know? Please pray for me and for my very sweet husband?
Oh, Sandy, I’m so sorry! That is a very big thing to bear. I wonder, has he ever talked to anyone about his father’s death–like a counsellor? Or did the death trigger something in him, like fear of death himself? It may be really worth trying to get to the bottom of this, because your husband wasn’t meant to be a shell of himself. He was meant for so much more (as are you!). I do have a series of posts on what to do when your husband doesn’t want to make love. The second one, especially, about communicating your needs may be helpful.
My husband is very sensitive to me in this area. So I am the one who initiates most of the time. I will strive to initiate 2-3 times a week. It blesses me to know that I can be used to satisfy him. And we communicate all the time about this subject.
I’m confused. The man I’m with says he loves me. He doesn’t like affection, kissing, hugging and says he doesn’t need sex. I have to beg for any intamacy in our relationship. I’m in my early 40’s he is in his late 40’s. I’m lucky if we have sex once a month and I want intamacy alot more. He has had bad relationships in the past….he was cheated on for years and also had an accident causing head trama. Can the head trama and his past relationships make him not wanna show any passion or affection towards me or am I just being fooled by the word…I love you?
I have been married 18 yrs I am 44 yrs old , my husband tells me I am beautiful. I have had no sex drive my entire marriage and faked it and gave him sex as often as he wanted it but didn’t really need it until my husband surprised me with a divorce that he had filed. I was shocked! I thought I had a bullet proof marriage! He said I was too moody and beat him up with words too often and that he had found a negative journal I had written over the past several months about him. I must admit I had been moody but the negative journal was a sort of therapy for me to release my frustrations of anything on my mind to then delete. I apologized to him profusely about the journal too. I also had moody behavior due to him becoming addicted to talking on the phone with his Mom almost every spare moment he had and I was jealous of his time spent with her and not me. After I found out about him filing for divorce via a text to my parents I asked him to give me some time to prove that I could change my negativity into a positive and passionate me that now desires sex even though he now shows no interest in it. I also discovered that he had been viewing porn while locked behind closed doors one day and shortly after this incident when we did have sex he would tell me to fantasize about me having multiple partners with different hair colors. He has since apologized for suggesting this to me and I believe he has cleaned up his life since he now plays either scriptures or uplifting hymns non stop now in my presence I think it is his way of fighting the porn in his head but now he doesn’t respond to my advances and even makes excuses to have sex with me. I blame myself for his turning to porn though since I had such a struggle with my sex drive over the years. Do I let him have some space and not initiate sex anymore? Do you think he filed for divorce because of porn? I have since been writing love letters to him daily hand written, emails, face book leave flirty notes in his pockets and he doesn’t respond much at all to any of my efforts. Only occasionally writes back in E mail short responses. He does say he loves me now since I made the change but he isn’t interested in sex still only does it if I push it on him.
Hi there,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! It sounds like there’s a lot of hurt on both sides.
You really can’t fix your sex life until the porn is clearly dealt with. I’d suggest you read this post on 4 things you must do if your husband uses porn–and then try to do those 4 things. They’re really important. And then slowly start to rebuild. I know you’re super scared of losing him, but failing to hold him accountable for what he has done is not going to fix your marriage, either. You both need to be humble and own your stuff and then work forward from there. I really pray that you can!