Does you husband know that you enjoy sex? Or are you a little shy and he’s not so sure?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! Today guest poster J of Hot, Holy and Humorous shares 5 ways to tell him you enjoy sex–that you love making love to him!
One of the aspects I adore about the Song of Solomon, the one biblical book devoted to marital intimacy, is how the wife communicates her own enjoyment of sex with her husband. Yes, she makes love to meet his needs and desires, but she also finds pleasure in the experience. And then, she goes a step further and shares with her husband her appreciation of their sexual intimacy.
“How handsome you are, my beloved!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.”
Song of Solomon 1:16
How can we wives lovingly communicate our enjoyment of marital lovemaking?
Here are five ways to let him know you enjoy sex.
1. Say yes.
One sure way to let your husband know you don’t desire and enjoy sex is to say “no” often. Of course, the opposite is true: Say “yes” often, and he’ll get the message that you see sex as a priority for your marriage. But don’t merely be available; get engaged. Say “yes!” to the whole experience.
Show up to the marriage bed as a fully participating lover. If you give your physical intimacy more attention and focus, you’ll likely find yourself enjoying sex more and more.
2. Move your body.
Lean into the lovemaking. When you have sex with your husband, touch and caress him. Kiss his lips and his body. Rub against him with your body. Tilt your hips toward him. Move in rhythm with his thrusting.
Your movement will likely increase your own arousal. Moreover, when you “get into it,” you convey to your husband that you’re fully involved in what’s happening with your bodies. It’s like the difference between a man dancing and dragging his partner across the floor, and the both of you fully enjoying the “mattress mambo.”
3. Make some noise.
No matter how focused your husband is on other things, he can probably hear you throughout the sexual encounter. So let your voice convey when you are feeling pleasure.
Noise can be anything from low moaning to heavy breathing to unbridled screaming—whatever fits the moment, your comfort zone, and the distance from your bedroom to the children’s bedroom. But don’t worry so much about sounding weird or being overheard. Let loose a little and make some bedroom noise.
4. Initiate Sex.
Show him you like sex by outright asking for it! Most husbands revel in that moment when a wife overtly suggests sex. Your initiation can take the form of sexy flirting, setting a romantic scene and donning special lingerie, requesting sex at a particular time and place, or simply straddling your husband in bed and saying, “Let’s do it!”
But make it a priority to initiate sex, at least now and then. Express to your husband that sex is so wonderful you’re eager to make love again.
Here are ten tips on how to initiate sex.
5. Just tell him you like it—but not subtly.
We wives are often brought up to use courtesy and subtlety as ways to communicate in a ladylike fashion. That’s all well and good, ladies, but most men don’t read social cues and body language as well as we do. They don’t take hints. So simply say it—as candidly as you can. It can be as straightforward as “You’re an amazing lover,” as meaningful as “I adore feeling like one flesh when we make love,” or as playful as “Honey, you put the wow in bow-chicka-bow-wow!” But get the point across to your husband that sex is important and satisfying.
Those are small ways to let your husband know that you enjoy making love.
But if you’re saying to yourself, “I don’t currently enjoy sex all that much,” try these five tips anyway. Oftentimes, they will likely increase your enjoyment of sexual intimacy in your marriage. And considering picking up a copy of Sheila’s excellent book, 31 Days to Great Sex, or my own, Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives, for more tips.
J. Parker is the author of Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives and writes the Hot, Holy & Humorous blog, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
For valentines day I’ve been giving my hubby a gift each day with a note. Similar to a candy bar letter, but spread over the last 2 weeks. A lot of the notes have been about sex, and my hubby has loved it. It’s been a good way to let him know that I enjoy him. Examples: I like to ROLOver in bed with you. I like to SKOR with you.
I like your other suggestions too. I need to do them more.
Those are awesome!
Love the ideas about the candy bars ~ totally going to steal and use for my hubby 😉
Love that idea!
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…A Love Letter to Yourself
And we husbands say, “Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes.”
Laughed out loud! Glad you agree.
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…A Love Letter to Yourself
I love your #1 and the word Yes! Yes to initiating, yes to his overtures and if you are shy, saying, “Yes!” during lovemaking will brighten his day and let him know what he’s doing right. Great tips, J!
Thanks, Bonny!
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…A Love Letter to Yourself
It’s so important for us as wives to play a part in sex. It’s one way to say to our husbands, “I love you.” I think playing a major part in sex and enjoying it maintains a strong marriage bond. Thanks for your advice.
Tiffany Godfrey recently posted…Marriage and Communication Series: #10 Anger and Resentment
Indeed, Tiffany. It’s sometimes hard for us wives to grasp that sex sends that message of love to husbands, but it’s true. Thanks!
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…A Love Letter to Yourself
Sadly there is no reason for saying yes when your spouse shows no interest in your pleasure.
There is nothing worse than a husband who complains about lack of sex and then makes no effort for my enjoyment.
My heart aches for you. I hope you’ve talked to him outside the bedroom about how you desire to enjoy the experience more and what might help. Praying your situation improves.
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…A Love Letter to Yourself
I LOVE the candy bar idea! So creative. It’s often difficult for my husband and I because of our work schedules. I am a nurse and work 12 hour days, and he’s in management. However, we do make it work! Sheila, thank you for your inspiring blog and examples of how a Christian marriage should be.
Those conflicting schedules certainly are difficult for sexual intimacy in marriage! Make the most of the time you have. Many blessings, Kelly!
J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…A Love Letter to Yourself
Don’t discount having sex 5 times in the same week as five ways to let him know you enjoy sex. Well…just sayin’. 😉
Dan recently posted…Her Sex Is Broken and I Gotta Fix It
Would love love to follow the hot, holy and humorous blog but it is by invite only.
I’m not sure where you’re getting that–maybe I have a link wrong somewhere. But it comes up fine here: http://hotholyhumorous.com
I wish I could…this just makes me want to cry. I suffer from mental illness (I am in therapy) and past abuse issues. I cant have sex with my husband because I basically hate myself and my body, it makes me feel dirty and used and I have big trust issues. Just the thought of it makes me want to curl up in a little ball to protect myself. I would be so grateful for anyone who wants to pray for me and my marriage, thank you!
Hi, Amanda! I’m so sorry that you’re carrying so much pain and hurt from your past. I too, know firsthand the experience of past abuse, and how dirty and awful it makes you feel. It took me a lot of counseling and a lot of tears to get to a good, healthy place in my life. I would highly recommend getting counseling, even if it’s just meeting once a week for coffee with a good friend who is supportive. Don’t be silent about your past-silence is a good hiding place for shame, and it won’t bring healing! Talk through your issues and be brave enough to be honest about how it’s currently affecting you! You can’t get the help you need if you are skirting around or completely avoiding the issue! I would also recommend seeing a doctor for mental illness and getting treatment. Fill your life with things that make you happy, and pray for God to restore you to wholeness! Nothing is impossible with Him! I will be praying for you and your marriage- that God will heal your heart and that you will find freedom from the pain and shame that you have carried for so long. I pray that your marriage will become more amazing than you ever dreamed, and that trust will be fully restored between you and your husband.
Believe God for the impossible, ask and you shall receive!
Love, another sister in Christ <3
Great word, Nicole. Thank you!
Be strong may god be with you
I hear u i have self esteem issues and i gained weight since my bf first dated me i hate the way i look my advice to u that if your bf or husband tells u u are beautiful start believing it try doing other non sexual things to get closer to your spouse try going on dates that you both will have fun doing try getting emotionally closer to your significant other lots of affection works for me too like cuddling and kissing just knowing he loves me for me and cares about me takes care of me i think once you get closer to your spouse u will want to have sex well i wish u the best hope my advice works
Using the Song of Solomon as an example does nothing for my wife except make her mad. She looks at David and Solomon as sex starved men with hundreds of wives and or concubines. How does there life compare to ours living in a committed monogomous relationship? Sure they could write about being sexually satisfied with hundreds of women. If they were so truly in love and satisfied with their wife then why did they need more than one? I’m at a loss as how to use any example from David or Solomon to help her show how God intended a man and woman who are married to enjoy a sexual relationship.