Last week I wrote on the Myers Briggs Type Indicator–the MBI–and how they classify different personalities. I’m an ENTJ, and I told you all why that sometimes makes blogging difficult. If you want to know more about what the letters mean, I’ve got a quick description of MBTI types here.
It seems most of you really liked the post, and many asked me to write more on personality and marriage. So today I thought I’d tackle a different type–the ESFP. And why choose the ESFP? Well, let me describe her:
E- She’s extroverted. She likes to process things by talking about them. She rejuvenates by being with people.
S- She’s a detail person. She likes doing things step-by-step.
F- She focuses on relationships. She’s interested in people. When making decisions, she asks: “How will this affect other people?” She values emotion over logic.
P- She’s a go-with-the-flow person. She’s easy going. She doesn’t like planning too much. She’d rather be “moved by the Spirit”.
Do you notice anything about that? Let’s summarize it a little more:
She’s humble. She respects authority. She not brassy. She loves people. She’s caring, often in the background. People flock to her. They tell her everything. She tears up easily. She genuinely cares.
See it yet?
Let me summarize it a little more:
The ESFP is the perfect Christian woman.
And that, my friends, can be a real curse.
I know a lot about ESFPs, because this is my family:
My oldest daughter and I are both ENTJs, which is the exact opposite of the perfect Christian woman. We challenge authority. We’re the first to run around shouting, “The Emperor Has No Clothes!” We’re interested in doing what is right, even if it occasionally means stepping on toes. It’s a matter of justice, you see.
But to an ESFP, the important things are relationships. Here’s a graphic depiction of the difference between the two types:
Isn’t that cute? But here’s the problem, and why I want to talk about it today:
The ESFP doesn’t like change, and doesn’t like conflict. And at the same time, the church is telling the ESFP female, you’re fine just the way you are! Because of that, it’s very easy for the ESFP to sit back and keep doing what they’ve always done, without having to grow or stretch themselves. But when they do that, it’s very likely that they will get walked all over, and will find that the things they want most aren’t coming to them. They often end up very dissatisfied.
The benefit of being an ENTJ is that we clash with the Christian culture, and so we’re terribly aware that we have areas of growth–we need humility, we need more grace, we need to learn to play well with others.
ESFPs don’t tend to get that same feedback. And so it’s easy to sit back and be comfortable–ESPECIALLY because it’s also your nature to sit back and be comfortable. So you have two forces telling you not to change and not to grow–your own personality and the church culture.
The thing about personality, though, is that one is not right while another is wrong.
Just because there is a cultural “perfect Christian woman” type doesn’t mean that this actually IS the perfect Christian woman.
I think Jesus was perfectly balanced. He wasn’t a type; He was Himself. He was the only one who could deftly manage the balance between the four preference dichotomies (extrovert/introvert; sensing/intuiting; feeling/thinking; judging/perceiving). When we find our type, we figure ourselves out, which is fun. We know our strengths and our bent, but we also know our weaknesses. And knowing your weaknesses is extremely important, because it’s in our weak areas that we need to grow.
Our church culture may value a certain type for females, but Jesus values ALL the types. Just as the body is made up of many members, so the church is made up of different types, with all having things to contribute. We’re all necessary.
So just because the ESFP is the cultural ideal for a Christian female, it does not mean that all females should be ESFPs. Nor does it mean that female ESFPs have got it made.
I see a lot of evidence of the ESFP/ISFP type in the comments section of the blog. They’re often the first to say, “just pray and leave it to God,” or “Sure, that may be bugging you, but why make a big deal about it? Let it go!” Now, both of those things may be EXACTLY the right thing to do in certain circumstances. But quite often they’re not. And the challenge for the ESFP/ISFP type is to stretch themselves to stand up for what is right, or they have a tendency to get walked all over.
Here, then, are three areas in which ESFP/ISFP types need to be very careful, and need to grow if you’re going to have happy marriages, happy families, and a happy church life:
1. Dear ESFP: Not all Problems Are Your Fault
The ESFP is very focused on people, so when people start treating them badly, they often internalize the problem and turn themselves inside out to try to fix it. My daughter Katie has had several friends treat her very poorly, and her response has always been to love them more and try to fix the relationship.
Because Katie is surrounded by ENTJs, Rebecca and I have often challenged her, saying, “why would you WANT to fix that relationship?” If someone is treating you that badly, why do you want to keep investing in them when there are others who treat you better and need you more? And Katie has learned to call people on things when they behave inappropriately.
What does this mean for marriage? In marriage, ESFPs will tend to own the problem, too. If a husband is using porn, they’ll look to themselves and say, “how did I cause this?” If a husband isn’t engaged with the kids, they’ll say, “what am I doing to drive him away?” It’s good to ask these questions, but it’s wrong to STOP at those questions.
Growth rarely takes place unless we are willing to name the issue and state what is wrong. It’s easy to say “I’ll give it to God in prayer, and completely surrender it,” but beware of taking this approach too often. For an ESFP it’s an easy way out of having to do anything. And perhaps what God is asking you to do is to calmly confront your husband on something that he is doing wrong.
I just read a great book about this called The Emotionally Healthy Woman by Geri Scazzero which talks about how to confront and say no when you have to. It’s easy to read and has brilliant insight for all types (I learned a lot, too!). But ESFPs and ISFPs really need to read this.
2. Dear ESFP: Sometimes You Have to Say No and Stand Up for What’s Right
A few years ago my girls belonged to an unhealthy youth group. When Rebecca and I noticed some of the negative things occurring, we talked to the leadership (Rebecca even took the initiative to do this as a 14-year-old kid). Katie, on the other hand, kept wanting to give them “one more chance”. Becca and I were yelling, “CHARGE!”, bayonets drawn. Katie was hemming and hawing in the background.
But after giving them a second chance, Katie drew a line in the sand, and said “enough is enough”. We have to do what is right. And because she’s an ESFP, she won’t change her mind now. She doesn’t like change, so once she’s changed once, she won’t go back.
It’s hard to say no as an ESFP because you want people to like you. You’re a people pleaser. When you see something you disagree with, your tendency is to assume that you’re misinterpreting it, or you’ve got the story wrong, or perhaps you’re just wrong and they’re right. Katie is often fond of saying, “I don’t really have opinions, the way Becca and you do, Mommy.”
Yet Katie does have opinions (just not as strongly as Becca and me), and for the ESFP, it’s vitally important to trust your gut. That gut is often the Holy Spirit talking to you. When you start to feel that something isn’t right, listen to that feeling. Don’t reason it away, even if it’s scary and goes against what you would naturally do.
How does this apply to marriage? If your husband feels that something is wrong in the extended family, at church, or at the workplace, listen to him. Your tendency will be to smooth things over, but he could very well be right that something needs to be done. And if you feel like your husband is wrong about something–say he’s doing something bad, like using porn, or ignoring the kids, or being verbally abusive, stand up for yourself and your children and get help.
3. Dear ESFP: Take Initiative!
Katie hates change. She’s a home body. She doesn’t like trying anything new. All her life I’ve had to push her and prod her and shove her to do new things. She’s currently ranked eighth in international Bible quizzing (which means she has like nine whole books of the Bible memorized), and she absolutely loves the competition. But I had to force her to do that, too, because it was new!
It’s hard for ESFPs to take intiative to get out of their comfort zone.
In my extended family is another ESFP. She had a rather unhappy marriage to an INTJ. He basically walked all over her. But before she left him, she complained to me, “He never does anything with the kids! He never takes them to the park. He never plays with them. He just does his own thing!” The problem was that she never took her kids to the park, either. She was sitting back, waiting for her husband to take the lead. And when he didn’t, the family withered.
What this means for marriage: If things aren’t going well in your marriage, don’t wait for him to change. You do something! If you’re not connecting, find a new hobby you can do together. If you aren’t dating, you plan the date. If he isn’t what you want in a spiritual leader, you start figuring out how to pray together. If your sex life is blah, you take the initiative to do something new. Don’t sit back and wait for him to do it. If you want a different life, you have to start doing things differently, too.
The church tells women that we should all be ESFPs.
The church does a poor job of telling us how to confront sin and injustice; how to draw healthy boundaries; and how to take on leadership and initiative when we have to.
ESFPs are great at loving others; they need to give themselves permission to love themselves.
Incidentally, I think Katie is becoming the perfect Christian woman–in the right sense, not the cultural sense. She does love people, and she automatically puts people at ease. But because she’s surrounded by ENTJs and ESTJs, she has been pushed, and she’s grown, and she’s become a natural leader. She doesn’t stand for injustice. She’s starting to try new things.
Maybe we all need friends and family of opposite types who can help us grow in our weak areas, too!
I hope that in some way this blog can serve that role for you.
Now, let me know: Do you see ESFP tendencies in yourself? Do you have a hard time drawing boundaries? Let’s talk about in the comments! And my older daughter, my ENTJ, has written about what it’s like being a Christian ENTJ girl. It’s not easy!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Hi Sheila,
As usual, I find myself nodding in agreement with (almost) everything you say. There is a tendency for ESFP to be the “perfect” ideal of what women in the church should be. But you say that as ENTJ you are the complete opposite. Not quite. You are still E, not I.
Try being an INTJ woman in an ESFP church. I say the wrong things, challenge the status quo, and don’t think men are the only ones with leadership abilities. And then *gasp* I want time all by myself to recharge!!
Square peg in a round hole? Well, over the years I’ve concluded I’m more of a parallelogram. And I’m ok with that. Because if you get a parallelogram the right shape, it’s a diamond. 🙂
Oh yes. INTJ… with a very strong I. I don’t fit well either.. esp in this stage of small children. I had no idea how much motherhood would challenge my introversion. I say no to lots of things. LOTS of good ministries, or expectations from others, bc saying yes would stretch me too far. I’ve found a balance to be able to really invest in my littles- and primarily it means saying no to outside things right now. Does this narrow balance get better as they get older and a little more independent?
The balance does start to shift a bit.
I have 4 children, ranging from 13 down to 4. Their being able to entertain themselves for parts of the day gives me space to recharge. There are still a lot of ministries I say no to. (yes, I homeschool my children. no, that doesn’t mean I want to teach them on Sunday mornings too!. No, no, no!!)
When they were very little, I used to keep a Bible in the bathroom or a couple of ‘currently relevant’ verses taped to the wall. Every time I was in there, I got a quick reminder of why I was investing so much in these little people.
There are seasons in life. There is such a short time while our children are little. The day will come when they don’t want to sit on my lap and hear a story. I don’t want to look back and wish I’d spent more time on the floor playing trains. On the other hand, there are only so many Boynton books I can handle in a morning!
Another thing that helped for me, was to have my husband more or less take over the bed time routine. He works all day, and arrives home about bed time. So dinner as a family is a weekend thing, but bed time stories, Bible story, and chat and pray with daddy is what my children expect. And that hour is MY time. I do not use it to clean, nor to sort laundry, nor to straighten the kitchen. I use it to read a book, to knit, to play the piano or my clarinet, to take a walk, to do something that will restore me to at least approaching sanity so that once the children are in bed I’m ready to spend time with my husband.
Thank you for this thoughtful reply! My husband takes bedtime with the older kiddo (the 1 yr is still nursing) and that’s so helpful! If he didn’t do that, there wouldn’t be anything left for him in the evening. 🙂
INTJ’s unite! haha.
It is definitely a struggle to operate in a church setting. I am a feather-ruffler for certain. Once in a small group brainstorming session, they asked people to list off the importance of small groups. I waited, and listened as others in the room just gave the Christian answers and quoted Scripture. I couldn’t stand it anymore, raised my hand (hello, introvert) and said, “I don’t think they ARE important. I haven’t been to one in a year. I don’t have time in my schedule to drive 30 minutes just to hang out with people I don’t even like. They could be great, but the way they are set up right now is a waste of time.” It opened up great discussion. Afterwards, one of the pastors came up to me and said, “Thank you. Thank you for just being real and for setting the tone that people didn’t just have to say what they thought we wanted to hear.” Just call me can-opener.
For a while, I actually had brothers and sisters in Christ tell me that there was something wrong with me because I’ll get all fired up about certain things and then I’ll go lock myself in my room and crash. I have explained so many times that I am an introvert. That doesn’t mean I hate people; it just means I really like my space 🙂 Like A. LOT. Yes, I can lead, but only if no one else wants to. Yes, I can go to a party, but not for long before I start to shut down.
I am also convinced that being an INTJ Christian woman is one of the reason I’m still single. Just too hot to handle… 😉 😀
I’m an INTJ married to a totally free-spirit who thrives on contact with others. I’m not sure how it happened, honestly. I need to get him to take this personality test. 🙂 The INTJ statements about relationships being hard is so true! God just caught the two of us at the right time I guess.
Good for you for being brave and honest. My coping method for my need to be real as been to just not speak at all… I’d rather be quiet than be real and risk judgement for my opinions in a group. But those closest to me get the earful of opinions on the way home! Ha!
PS I think INTJs like reading blogs. Its like having contact with others, but totally on your own terms. 😛
Ha!
I’m a male and an INFP last I checked. That is exactly why I like blogging. I can pick my friends. I go where I’m welcome, talk to people with the same interest and hopefully learn something. We don’t have to always agree either. It isn’t about burying my head in a common digital sand on topics. I just like being with people I like, and yes, if they were all in the same room I would enjoy being with them, but would withdraw from anyone with a strong E leaning that might be inclined to dominate the other I’s…like me.
INTJ here too. I was following another relationship forum where MB types were mentioned and there seemed to be a disproportionate number of us. Are we the type that focuses on how to improve relationships by reading lots of books and blogs? My Kindle is stuffed with marriage books! My long suffering husband we suspect is ESFP although he hasn’t done full assessment. He is conflict avoiding to a huge degree. I just told him he fitted the profile for the perfect Christian wife. Don’t think he was hugely impressed.
I so get this!! The being a leader and ruffling feathers…I don’t mean to ruffle anyone’s feathers truly I don’t! I’ve even tried just shutting my mouth, but that doesn’t seem to work either. Sigh…Just let me go in my room, close the door and write my blog okay? LOL
I’m absolutely an ESFP, but just as you, I have a sister and husband who encourages me to stand up for what’s not right, to voice my opinions and giving in to change. Although I find it difficult, I have a great support system !
Where can I find more information to pursue figuring out my personality type? All the online “tests” say I need an educated person in this area to administer the test. Where would I find such a person? I believe doing this would solve a LOT of issues in our marriage, as I believe we are contrasting personality types and we don’t always jive.
I don’t know, but if you google there are likely some free online ones. They won’t be as accurate as the long one you take. I can’t link to them because my mom IS a certified MBTI trainer and administrator, and so it would be violating the family code. But I know my daughter found a bunch online you can take!
I was just checking this morning on the MBTI website, and it looks like there is at least one that you can take entirely on-line. It’s an official one, but interactive so that you can do it directly through the website. I think it costs about $50.
Cool! Can you give me the link?
https://www.mbticomplete.com/en/index.aspx
There you go! 🙂
Here is a really accurate free test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
I’m an ISTJ 😉
Are ENTJ’s not touchy-Feely type of people?
Nope! We’re thinkers and planners. We can be very fun at a party because we are very extroverted, but in general we’re big idea, logic, efficiency type of people.
Wow, Because of this post and your previous post on personality’s I decided to retake the test and got the same results as before INTJ. As mentioned above, it can be very difficult to find your place in a traditional church, because we tend to see things and express ourselves differently.
So I decided to look into it a bit further and discovered it is a very rare personality type. Only 1-3% of females and 2-6% of males fit within that type. Perhaps it’s a good thing since one of our nicknames is “Mastermind” which is not always flattering. I was encouraged to discover that one of my favorite authors was INTJ, C.S. Lewis. Start looking into some of the POP charts where the apply it to popular programs and books and it’s less encouraging. I share places with the “Emperor” on Star Wars, Draco Malfoy of Harry Potter, and Mrs. O’Brein of Downton Abbey. On the positive side I share places with Erond of Lord of the Rings & he is a personal favorite.
I think what stood out to me is the fact that the personality is very good at achieving it’s goals. The issue will be what are the values that drive the goals. If the values are selfish, then it would be so easy for cruelty to take over to such and extent that you wouldn’t care very much about who was hurt in the process. If however you value the welfare of others above your own then you can use those skills and talents that God has giving you to help teach, or lead in a way that serves God.
I had and in some ways still have a hard time finding a way to serve in my Church but God did show me a way. It’s a small Church so I teach a weekly class, as well as organize a memory verse challenge each week for our kids. I also plan the VBS for our church & I have found it both challenging and enriching. Since we are such a small church my tendency to find a way that works, even if it’s not the way that it’s always been done before has helped with VBS and the memory challenge. When it comes to so many positions being traditionally filled by men in general, and my seeing how in some cases a particular women would be better, it has at times hurt.
I have been so blessed though that people are at least willing to hear me out when I want to try something new. Most of the time that has been key. The fact that they can see a reasoning behind it, not just willfulness has made a huge difference in how we see one another. Communication is said to be an issue to INTJ’s, they don’t always explain their reasoning in a way that others understand.
After reading all of this I wish I had learned about personality types years ago. I feel like I wasted 10+ years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, and in all reality, I just needed to work on my people/communication skills.
I took one of the free online tests (about 100 questions). I don’t know how accurate it is, but it says I’m an ENTJ. Which I figured I am. However, being an only child, I can be OK with being alone, and I find comfort in it. It’s 50/50. Sometimes all I want is alone time. Other times I want to be the center of the party – especially if I planned the party. I’m the first one with party plans in my own home, or under my terms. I’m a control freak. Out-of-control or un-planned and I don’t get along. I’m an organizer. Phew. Did I just describe an ENTJ or what?!
What a great post, Sheila! Are you going to profile other MBTI types? I’m an ENFJ – but just barely E. I took the test years ago for work and would love to learn more about my type in terms of relationships and non employment contexts …
I am a INTJ and echo what my “sisters” have already expressed it is hard at times to fit in at church especially if God has called you to lead! 🙂
I’m an ISTJ. Very introverted. So much so, in fact, that I don’t get involved in any of my church’s ministries unless I’m directly asked. The online test I took had my J factor stronger than my T factor, but I believe my T is stronger than my J.
INTJ here, too. I’m starting to second guess the percentages given to different types.
I find the ENTP as the “perfect Christian woman” type a very interesting choice. As the exact opposite, I’d agree that it makes sense.
I would love to hear how the different personalities could use their “gifts” for areas of ministry. When I looked for resources on this, there is very limited information out there. ie crisis organization work, youth group leader, or counselling.
I love this! I am an ISTJ on the MBTI, but one of the other personality tests (actually not sure if it is a true personality test) that I had to take for work recently was StrengthsFinder. I really loved this assessment. The basis of this book/test was that instead of focusing on your weaknesses, if you instead focus on your strengths, what you are able to accomplish will be multiplied. It isn’t all positive- it tells you what to watch out for with your type as well- but mostly it focuses on the equation of talent x investment = strength. If you have a lot of talent in one area, but don’t invest much there, your strength there will only be minimal. Likewise, if you have little talent but invest a lot of time, your strength still will be minimal. However, if you are talented there and make the investment in your talent, your strength will be multiplied. Not only was it spot on for me, but I loved the spin by focusing on enhancing our strengths rather than overcoming our weaknesses. Sure, first and foremost, we must listen to what God is telling us to do and even if it is a weakness of ours, we must remember Phillippians 4:13. However, as a general rule I would love to know how I could better use my strengths or “gifts” to glorify the kingdom of God.
Love that! Thanks for that comment. May copy and paste it for a follow up. 🙂
I’m an ESPN
Ha!
I’m looking at all these comments and feeling a little lonely – I’m an ENTP. And I seem to be on my own.
I did the test originally when someone blogged about being a Downton Abbey personality using the Meyers-Briggs method – I’m the mother, apparently.
Wow…ISFJ. (can you say “doormat??”) Not what I was expecting! I took the test about 15 years ago and was INFP. I must have changed over the last few years!
Awh!! I fluctuate between that and INFJ, and always feel rather irritated after reading my personality descriptions for ISFJ. I don’t think it’s actually possible to have a bad personality though 🙂 I wonder what kinds of things about you have actually changed in your life since you tested INFP? Sometimes I think it is also our perceptions of ourselves and our motivations that change. Anyway, I hear you.
Thanks! This really sheds light on my personality! I am surrounded by ENTJ and am frustrated that I always feel like a doormat. I like to keep everyone happy at home and church and I just can’t seem to 🙂
I’m an ESPN
INFP here…although I’ve gotten a lot less introverted as I’ve gotten older, although I can be logical and detail oriented at times. Oh, and throw in a tendency for a little attention deficit disorder (not hyper though) and many days I don’t know if I’m coming or going! Let’s add a husband who I’m sure is my polar opposite in many ways too. I’m just glad that GOD didn’t make us all the same or give us all the same gifts!
Oh, and I did http://www.16personalities.com to figure my type out, and checked on http://www.personalitypathways.com too.
Jesus was fully human, so therefore he must have had an MBTI type. He could no more be “perfectly balanced” in personality type than any other fully human person. He was an INFJ, if you read the scripture closely. I’m an INFJ female. The fact that I’m nearly completely opposite from ESFP women (except for the F) explains why I never could fit in to the local churchy-women culture. However, having the same personality type as Jesus makes it much easier to feel close to Jesus, which is, of course, the whole point.
Yep, this seems to sum up women who do very well in church circles today–happy (to help draw in new members), helpful (overworked), passive (won’t stand up for themselves, even when the authority is wrong or unbiblical doctrines are being taught), detailed (because the pastor demands perfection in all things–um, I mean, “excellence”), and interested in others (until they don’t sign up to volunteer for countless ministries in the church. In that case, the passive “perfect Christian” woman simply distances herself). Such fakery is why women are leaving churches in droves–why “play the game” in church when you can study the bible on your own, or study and serve with likeminded people away from the church?
Sheila, can you write more about being an ENTJ? I am an ENTJ, too, and REALLY struggle with it. I have NO idea how to be myself and still be “acceptable.” And no one is talking about it because they just…I don’t know, kind of pretend we don’t exist or something. It’s as if there are the sweet, gentle, domestic Christian women, and there are the men, and as far as the Church is concerned, that’s it.
So I feel like my personality and abilities totally clash with my belief system (which, as you know, is pretty important to an ENTJ, so it’s like fighting with MYSELF!), I stink at all the things I’m “supposed” to do, and the things that I really “shine” at are useless because I’m not allowed to use them. And everyone is trying to make me into someone else – either because I don’t fit the mold of the “good Christian woman” or just because I make them uncomfortable. (Just as a for-instance, I like to debate. But I don’t get to, because the gentler personalities around me get upset/stressed when they hear even a friendly debate in the same general vicinity, even if it doesn’t involve them. But they are never asked/expected to go somewhere else; I’m just expected to “sit down and shut up.”)
I don’t mean to whine or complain, this is just something I’ve struggled with for YEARS, and I can’t figure out how or where to find answers because no one seems to understand the problem in the first place. So I’m hoping you will. 🙂
(Also, another “vote” here for StrengthsFinder. It’s not a personality thing, exactly. It’s complementary to personality typing systems, not a replacement for them. But very enlightening and useful! My mom and a lot of the others at an organization she’s part of took it and it’s been really helpful for them to understand where the others’ are coming from.)
I would have to disagree that ESFP are considered the perfect Christian woman. In fact just about a month
Ago I got a call from my pastor telling me to try to be less ESFP. It was a very stressful call and he was very
Insensitive, he later apologized. But he never excused the content of the call just the delivery. And I agree I tend to
Try to fix things but I’m at a loss here. He holds his very introverted wife up as the perfect woman and I just
Can’t be like her. I’ve tried but its pulled me into a very dark depression. I don’t think I can serve any more
In any ministry because I’m not the personality type they need. This kills me! She is quiet and a homebody, she
Never starts a conversation or draws attention to herself. I be talked to her after about a month of knowing her
Because she wouldn’t speak to me at first, and she says she’s terrified of speaking to strangers. I’m very confused.
Hi Melissa. I hate to say this, but that was very inappropriate of your pastor. A church needs ALL types of people to minister. That is why we are different, and that is what the body of Christ is for. If your church only has very prescribed roles for the women, and doesn’t let extroverted women serve, then perhaps that church is not really a good fit?
I’m just gonna say that most ESFP’s with Christian background jump into relationships really quickly. Love sinning.. I have to heavily disagree and say that the perfect Christian woman has to be an XSTJ. Logical people who follow and enforce rules. Lead by example and very loyal individuals.
I’m an ESFP. I am glad to have found this blog about b/c I have always struggled with the way I think. For example, I always question myself b/f others when something is wrong in a relationship and I have trouble acknowledging that the other person could have an issue or be wrong. How can I be mad at the other person when I’m not perfect either? BUT, the trouble is I do know I’m not happy with the person or I cannot get past that I’m hurt therefore I just avoid conflict or I break down sobbing just overwhelmed by being hurt and not sure who’s wrong!? God is good and works some of this out and I have grown a lot. I can really relate to your daughter Katie. It’s hard for me to realize I’m important b/c I put others before myself. I’m terrified of being selfish. I often feel left out, however and stepped on. So you are quite right about the trials of an ESFP with their relationships. My husband is a brilliant INTJ (we’re complete opposites!) and he is a great advocate for me.
Thanks for your write up!
I’m an INFJ. I think generally speaking INFJs are better suited for Wesleyan-Arminian theology, and charismatic styles of worship and experiences.
INFJ women are definitely NOT the culture’s ideal church woman. INFJs are terrible housekeepers in general (and just forget Proverbs 31 – if you’re an INFJ you need to pick some other proverb!).
We are introverts, with complex inner lives, questions most theologians can’t answer, and typically we have mystical experiences of God that other Christians would be uncomfortable hearing about, or would openly disapprove.
We don’t emotionally gush over people we aren’t very, very close to, so we can seem remote or disengaged. We only very slowly reveal ourselves to others. We have few trusted friends, and most people will find we are friendly, but we don’t open up quickly, if at all.
Jesus was probably an INFJ. He was an introvert (often withdrawing alone to pray after a speaking engagement), intuitive (he knew what others’ needs were even if they couldn’t articulate them (the woman at the well, for instance), feeling (he really loved people more than rules and concepts, although he knew scripture deeply, he wasn’t a bible-beating NT type), and judging (the money changers incident – ’nuff said).
It’s not true that introverts are too shy to speak in front of people. Many introverts aren’t shy at all. It just takes a toll on our physical energy. We have to recharge our batteries after spending time talking to people. Too much time talking to other people = introversion burnout.
The story of the woman with the issue of blood touching the hem of Jesus’ garment finally made up my mind that Jesus was an introvert. Jesus himself is quoted in the Bible saying he felt energy leave his body when she touched his garment. Extroverts gain energy from contact with others; introverts lose or sacrifice energy from contact with others. It drains them.
And so, like Jesus, INFJs are deeply connected to God, but we often find our church family is less vested, and can turn against us on a dime.
Sheila — I found your blog quite interesting for the ESFP…you talk about the ladies being and having the traits of women (I know this because I have read this and found it interesting with the comments as well). I am a husband of 15 + years, and my wife is quite different from me, but we are both extroverted and it works quite well. the percentages that I received for taking this test was: 41% Extraverted; 12% Oberservant; 28% Feelings; and 53% Turbulent. When you were talking about your daughter that is an ESFP, it sounded like me. I was just wondering if you have anything regarding the male side of this trait/characteristics?
This also explains a lot about me; I was abused by many different parent type people growing up and my wife cannot see why I would want to rebuild and reconcile with them (other than that Christ commands us too). Either way, I look forward in hearing from you either on this blog or by email. Thanks and God bless!
Selah;
C. “Sil” Silva
I am an INTJ, and like ENTJs, we tend to clash with religions. Due to this, I have gotten some insight on the Christian culture, as well as others. While I am not a Christian, I do agree when you say ideal church women are ESFPs. Some might even go as far as to say the church tries to manipulate women to behave like one. Even if this isn’t the case, they clearly discourage certain personalities, maybe the rationals (xNTx types). We tend to challenge authority, and question everything. These women aren’t exactly the sweet, submissive type that churches encourage. Idk… I just find it interesting.
Of all the great qualities ESFPs have, they are not known for their intelligence. I find this frightening (no offense, ESFPs, you’re one of my favorite types).
Honestly, what is wrong with ENTJ or INTJ women? Plenty of NTJ men are Christians and no one tries to change them. Why is it so bad for a woman to have leadership skills and intellectualism?
I’m an INFP, so I’m very torn. Being taken care of in a sort of mentor-learner dynamic sounds good, having a devoted partner sounds even better, but I also have a lot of really great ideas. I don’t want someone making decisions for me or overruling me. I can’t handle the idea of simply being known as “___’s wife” or being seen as an overgrown child. I pay on dates and I absolutely hate when everyone assumes my boyfriend is buying just because he’s a man. I need to find my own path to success, not just help a man achieve his goals. Moreover, I know there are ExTJ women out there who are natural leaders, and I can’t imagine what it must be like to have to suppress your natural strengths. If God means for women to be helpers and followers then why does he make ENTJ women? This is the main reason I’m not religious. Can anyone here relate?
Also, the majority of Christian women I know are ESFJs. I think this makes more sense as ESFJs have Fe (focus on group dynamics/relations) and Si (sense of traditionalism).
Thank you so much for taking the time to spotlight the ESFP Christian woman. I’ve never read anything online that speaks so directly to my heart and is exactly what I need to hear and know that it is impacting others like me. I appreciated the initial growth opportunity you gave of reminding us that we are not responsible for other peoples’ feelings, we are only in charge for our own and the challenge you issue of calling ESFP Christian women to take initiative and to be our authentic selves despite if it may be frowned upon, or highlight insecurities of not being liked or letting fear get in the way of speaking truth or showing truth. ESFPs have the potential to be easily swayed by others if we are not really spend a lot of inner time shaping values and inner beliefs. ESFPs also have the potential to really influence and inspire so many people , especially if we stretch ourselves and grow, become totally and unapologetically comfortable with who we are and self-accepting. We can learn to harness the gift that we have to share with others in whatever way we were each meant to do it.
You clearly have an incredibly deep understanding of ESFPs and your daughter is really lucky to have you as her mom.
I hope you write more articles about ESFP Christian women, please!
-Emily
Thank you so much for taking the time to spotlight the ESFP Christian woman. I’ve never read anything online that speaks so directly to my heart and is exactly what I need to hear and know that it is impacting others like me. I appreciated the initial growth opportunity you gave of reminding us that we are not responsible for other peoples’ feelings, we are only in charge for our own and the challenge you issue of calling ESFP Christian women to take initiative and to be our authentic selves despite if it may be frowned upon, or highlight insecurities of not being liked or letting fear get in the way of speaking truth or showing truth. ESFPs have the potential to be easily swayed by others if we are not really spending a lot of inner time shaping our own values and inner beliefs and it is so much easier to outsource them to what our friends and family think and believe (much of which we may agree with, but not everything). ESFPs also have the potential to really influence and inspire so many people , especially if we stretch ourselves and grow, become totally and unapologetically comfortable with who we are and self-accepting. We can learn to harness the gift that we have to share with others in whatever way we were each meant to do it.
You clearly have an incredibly deep understanding of ESFPs and your daughter is really lucky to have you as her mom.
I hope you write more articles about ESFP Christian women, please!
-Emily
Thanks so much, Emily! I really should do more personality articles. I do enjoy them!
This is me. I’m an ESFP. But while I don’t like change, I embrace it. I recently had a very close friend disrespect my husband. Twice. It is true that the first time I covered it in mercy, grace, and forgiveness but I was also preparing myself for what would be done if it happened again. When it did happen again I knew what needed to be done and I did it with a clear idea of what would happen, I would lose a friend. That was exactly what happened. My pastor helped me realize that when you do what is right it will eventually find your friends having to make choices to do what is right and change or keep doing what they have always been doing. My personality has allowed me to stay true to my faith while losing what I hold as a priority…relationships. I love unconditionally but my acceptance of your behavior is not. I have healthy boundaries. I do give second chances. Alot, lol. But just as you described, once my mind is set there isnt likely going to be a change. I am loud, highly confrontational, and I learn from life circumstances. Curse? Well, that is in the eye of the beholder. Perfect ideal Christian Woman? Only when I’m dead.
I’m an INTJ woman, and have been a Christian for a long time. I’ve never had any real conflict with fundamental doctrine- as a woman or INTJ. I think when we say “As an (insert type here)” we really limit ourselves to the stereotypes. An INTJ is me at my core, but it doesn’t define who I am or how I act. While there are some things about myself that just don’t change, my experiences, lessons learned, desired outcomes, and other factors affect my behavior far more than my type. My feelings, beliefs, thoughts, and actions won’t be identical to any other INTJ woman’s for those reasons. At the end of the day, God made each of us unique. I don’t think He cares so much about our MBTI as what’s in our heart.